The Grand Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the The Grand script is here for all you fans of the poker movie with Woody Harrelson. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some The Grand quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

The Grand Script


My name is Jack Faro,

and I am a professional
poker player.

Now, I do
some other stuff,

but poker, that's the thing I do best.

My grandpa was also
a poker player.

He built a casino called
the Rabbit's Foot,

and now I own it.

But this story
isn't about me.

It's not about
me and my grandpa.

If it was, it would be
called Me and My Grandpa,

and it's not called that.

That's a stupid name.

It's the story of six people
playing in a poker tournament,

six people who think they've
got the game figured out.


The way I see it,

poker's like some kind
of cosmic metaphor.

Now, don't fade out
on me, here.

It's like even though the
cards fall in a random order

that you can't
possibly predict,

you can still beat 'em.

That's not true for
a lot of other things.

In or out? In or out?

Isn't there a time limit
on this? Come on.

The twist is that
the six of us,

we're playing
for $10 million,

winner takes all.

So no matter how much
all of us believe

that we can make
our own fate,

the truth is that only
one of us is going to win,

luck and skill be damned.

That's why
this story is called

Luck and Skill Be Damned.

Sorry. Wait a second.
It's not called that.

It- It's called The Grand.

Hi, I'm picking up
Jack Faro.

I'm Renee Jensen.
I called.

Right. Um, I just need you
to sign some paperwork,

just releases acknowledging
his medical history

and addictions.

So which ones are his?

Those are all his.


Just sign at the bottom.

He's not going to piss blood
in the limo, is he?

Probably not.

Yeah, he's in and out
so many times,

it just made
more sense for him

to, you know, move in
and make this his home.

Ugh, that's disgusting.

You must be thrilled
to be getting rid of him.

No, actually, I'm not.

I- I love Jack.

Um, actually,
could you, uh-

could you just give me
a second to talk to Jack?

Um, I'll just-
I'll just take a minute.


How's my favorite
patient doing?

Hello, Dr. Sellers.

How are you?
I'm good.

Hey, before you talk,
I just wanted to, um...

play a song
I wrote for you.

You wrote a song for me?


Yeah, I'd- I'd love it.

Sit here.

You wrote me a song.

 Twelve steps 

 Twelve steps 

 Only got 11 more 

It's a work in progress.
It's really beautiful.

And you know,
I always say

it's progress,
not perfection.

If you can smoke it
or drink it

or inject it or snort it,
I've done it.


And that really affects
the mental faculties.

Welcome to
the Rabbit's Foot Hotel,

the finest place to-
casino and the- the fine-

I've been married, uh...

approximately 74 times.

Seems like a lot, but I
loved every one of them.

I make it a point
to know my employees,

just like
Grandpa Lucky did.

I want to make a point
to know this one for sure.

Uh, hey... Toni.

How- How long you been
working here?

Nine years.

We were married, Jack.

I'm still waiting outside.

Hi. Renee Jensen.

Oh, hi.
Your ride's here.

Are you with-

Steve Lavisch?
Steve Lavisch.

Yes, I am.

I'm ready to pick you up
if you're ready.

Yeah, I just- Okay. I
actually wanted to talk to you-

Okay. ... for a second about that.

Could you give us
one second, please?

Just one second.

Um, what I
- what I came in here to talk to you about

was in terms of your feeling like
you should stay or you should go,

it's probably important
that you stay here.

Jack, I don't
like to do this,

but, you know, I don't
want you- don't go.


I have to go now.
I've been here for two years.

I know, but I think-
I think you should stay

for a little-
a little while longer.

I'm going to
call you, okay?

Okay. We should talk today,
though. I'll call you later.

Or I'll call you.

Well, I mean, this whole
Rabbit's Foot thing,

I gotta- I gotta shoulder
some of the blame on this,

maybe a lot of the blame.

Okay, now, what you're
experiencing here

is the real deal.

This is the hub
of the wheel,

the headquarters,
the main office...

of the Rabbit's Foot,

pretty much unchanged
from when Lucky was here.

Quite frankly, at times
I was my own worst enemy,

and I didn't do
a good job running it.

I wasn't a good steward.

Yes, I did get thrown
out of my own casino.

I'm not sure how
exactly that happened,

but they do say
that I gave the order.

So when I was, shall
we say, down and out,

I made an unfortunate deal
with Steve Lavisch.

He took advantage for or 7 million of a bridge loan.

If I don't pay it back,
I lose the Rabbit's Foot.

I don't know
if I could bear that.

Welcome back to the NAIPL
Tournament of Champions.

Brought to you
by PartyPoker. net.

I'm Phil Gordon.
And I'm Mike Werbe.

And we're here
at the final table

with heads-up action between
two of poker's greatest minds.

Harold Melvin
and Daniel Negreanu,

two guys who did not ride
the short bus to school.

I only called 2,000 more
for a pot of 22,000.

I'm getting 11 to 1, so no
matter what I have, I call.

Even if I have deuce-seven
and you have pocket aces,

that's still the
mathematically correct play.

You should have gone
all in three hours ago

when your stack
still meant something.

Some harsh comments
from the chip leader.

Okay. Here, beat that.

Let's take a peek
at the river.

Terrible catch
for Daniel Negreanu.

Harold makes
the straight.

I was a 2-to-1 underdog,
and the pot paid me 11 to 1.

Not a bad
risk-return ratio.

You play poorly.

Harold can't cook.

And he's very particular
about what he eats, you know?

Please tell me
this is not gravy.

Oh, you know
it's not gravy.

It's mushroom barley soup-
your favorite, honey.

It's so stupid
that you don't use

more efficient
cooking utensils.

I've lived with my mother
since I was born.

I live with her
because it is convenient

and because it is
difficult for me

to take care of myself.

I'll probably
be stuck with her

for the rest of my life.

Or the rest of her life

because she's
much older than me.

She will die first.

Ruth, if I were
a food critic,

I would give your
cooking five stars-

five stars that if each
collapsed into a black hole

and merged to form
the largest black hole

in the universe.

If I won this tournament,

I would buy a real house
with secret rooms

and shifting
mirrored passageways

and a garden labyrinth,

all of which would serve
to disorient Ruth

and make it more difficult
for her to find me.

The kitchen is such a mess.

I gotta clean it up later.

We used to have a maid.

She lasted two weeks.

Harold couldn't
tolerate her.

I have pet peeves.

I hate stinks.

I hate breath stink,
I hate body stink,

I hate pee stink,

like from when you take a lot
of supplements or vitamins,

which I take a lot of those,
so my urine smells very bad.

Now, all this stuff
is brain food for him.

I don't know what
the fuck anything is,

but I do exactly
what he wants me to do.

One thing I would like
to talk about is the Mentats

from the motion picture Dune.

I like the Mentats because
they're the human computers.

The Mentat oath
is the following:

It is by will alone
I set my mind in motion.

It is by the juice of Sapho
that thoughts acquire speed,

the lips acquire stains,
the stains become a warning.

It is by will alone
I set my mind in motion.

I say the Mentat oath

before I drink
my brain juice...

because it makes me
feel like a Mentat.

Hi, Lois.

I'll play in
the Ladies' Tournament.

If those fucktards want to
make it easy for me, fine.

You know, poker's been, like,
awesome because we've-

It's been very good.
It's been very good to us.

Yes, yeah.

I know it's-
It's hard, but it's-

It can be hard.
Yeah, it's something.

It's hard on the kids
and on Fred, I think.

I'm at home now with the kids. Yeah.

I'm not a stay-at-home

I'm a husband
who's home right now.

Yeah, I support her,
and the time's gonna come-

I mean, the perfect
example is, um...

is my fantasy
football league,

you know, my Yahoo
Fantasy Football league...

And I know, you hear
"fantasy football league-"

But this is, you know, an expert
- an expert football league.

And the draft is the day
of the final table, so that's-

I mean, we're going to have to
work something out on that.

Somebody's gotta
watch the kids.

Yeah, that's what I mean.

I gotta find out-
you know, I gotta-

Maybe Claude,
maybe somebody.

I don't know. I could bring
- Not Claude.

All right, well,
we gotta find something.

This is- This is-
Yeah, this is-

I mean, this is my-
this is my thing.

This is your thing,
this is my thing.

But just-

and I totally support you
on it, but just-

I could win
$10 million that day.

And does fantasy
football pay?

Yeah, it pays, uh, something
different than money is what it pays.

It pays, you know, m-
Yes, it pays.

Does it pay money?
No, it doesn't pay money.

Right, okay,
a little in the-

and you're good.

Go- Go see what
your sister's doing.

Ah, that's what I do.
I- Yeah.

Didn't know you were
coming up here.

I make up these little
handshakes for the kids.

Hey, I figured out
a good-

here's a good
husband-wife one, okay?

All right, so you just wanna-
you just wanna, "Hey-

Actually, it's only been-

it's been the last
couple of years

I've been coming up
with these things.

And- And, I-

Actually, I'll show you...

I'll explain this
whole thing to you.

Let me show you this.

This is, uh-
This is my lucky hat.

And this is the hat that I-

I'm a lightning survivor.

My husband Fred
was hit by lightning,

and he will be happy
to tell you all about it.

November 15, 2003.

And you know what happened
after that was-

this left side of my brain,
something with the lightning,

it just opened it up.

And tell you about his sayings
that he comes up with

and his round
beach towel idea.

I come up with little sayings.

You know,
Lainie came in second

in the tournament
a couple months ago,

and the announcer said, "It's
like kissing your sister. "

Right away,
I thought, you know,

it's like peeing
in your wetsuit.

I guess it changed his life.

I said, "Give me
a cup o' Joe,

"but I wanna say hello
to the milkman

and I'm takin' it
up the beanstalk. "

Which... is just
this way of saying

decaf coffee,
"I want a cup o' Joe. "

"I want to say hello
to the milkman"

means I want to go to bed early
because the milkman comes ear-

I want to say hello to-
say hello to him...

even though- even though
there's no milkman anymore.

There's a lot-
a lot going on with Fred.

"Takin' it
up the beanstalk. "

Give me a large and
bring it up the beanstalk.

I'm delivering it.
I'm bringing it to the giant.

"Takin' it up the beanstalk. "

I know it can sound a little
like a bad sexual thing, but-

Okay, but lean back.
Lean back and then I'll-

I don't feel like
fucking doing

a handshake right now.
Just lean back a little!


Just lean back a little.

Fred's a really smart guy.

And I wish he'd, like,
move on to something...

besides fantasy football.

You know,
something more... real.

This is only gonna
take a second, so-

Great, because I really
gotta get home.

I hear ya. I hear ya.
Take two steps back.

There. Good, good.



They're called Lainie
and Larry Schwartzman.

They're the David
and Goliath of poker.

Brother and sister,
identical twins,

they're winning both halves
of the Long Island Tournament.

By winning this tournament,
you both qualify

for the grand championship
of poker.

You've been
eliminated by Lainie

two out of the past
four years.

Any comments on that?

What's my style of play like?

Well, I think it's aggressive.

Ha! Aha! Aha! Aha! Aha! Aha!

I know that some people
consider it obnoxious,

but I consider that a strength.

 For he's a jolly
good fellow 

I try to get people
off their game,

which is just
as much of a game

as reading people
and knowing the numbers.

What do you think
of that, Dumbbell?

That's the real dumbbell
over there to your left.

Hey, now, Dumbbell,

I'm trying to be nice
to this idiot.

I like to consider myself
a predator at the tables.

So it would kind of make sense
that I would study predators.

I think if you watch me,
if you study me,

you'll see a lot
of cat-like qualities.



And I can psyche
the shit out of people.

I don't need cards
to beat you.

I could literally
have no cards

and I would still beat you.

If you think that's
not playing fairly

or that's not the way
a gentleman plays...


I would fight you
over that.

You are the worst
card dealer ever!

You should burn in hell!

Competition is healthy.

It's only competition
that breeds winners.

Idiot! A buffoon!
A lunatic!

It was very, very competitive
growing up in our family, yeah.

It was brutal.

My dad made us
compete for everything.

An incompetent,
insufferable asshole!

You know, maybe you get
some hurt feelings.

Maybe you get some, uh-

you know, maybe somebody
goes to bed hungry that week.

You know, it doesn't matter.

Fucking idiot!

Still got more cards!

You don't get to
choose your cards

and you don't get to
choose your family,

so you just make
the best of it.

Well, Jack,
this should be

an interesting
challenge for you.

Mr. Lavisch is not
the kind of man

who considers requests.


Just giving you
a word of advice.

You want to wait over here
for me, please?

All right.

Good luck.

Mr. Lavisch.

Yes. Hello.

Do you see the plans?
Do you see the blueprints?

Yeah, those are-
Are those the new-

Well, why aren't you
wearing your helmet?

This is a construction site, really,
technically. Safety first, of course.

Thank you.
So, what's up?

Jack Faro is here
for your appointment.

Jack Faro...

Jack Faro?

From the Rabbit's Foot.

Uh, do I know a Jack Faro? Yes.

No, Jack.

Jeff Faro.

You sent me to
pick him up from rehab?

You scheduled a-
Not Jeff?

Jack. Definitely Jack.

I really don't
have time right now.

I mean
- Okay, I've got five minutes.

Perfect, that's all we need.

Let's go talk to him.

We have to go there?

I haven't got time
for that.

It would take us five minutes
just go down to the car.

There's Jack.
He's just right there.

That's him.

Oh, that Jeff.

Jack. Let's get it over
with. Right this way.

It's Rabbit's Foot, Jack
Faro. Right, right, right.


Good to see you.
Hello. How are you?

Good. Good to see you.
Good to see you.

Oh, that's Renee.
How are you?

How's everything going?
What do you think?

Oh. Yeah.
Isn't it pretty?

Isn't that something?
It's very nice.

Guess how many rooms.


Take a wild guess
how many rooms.

3,000 or-

I knew you'd be wrong.
It's one room.

One room.

One million dollars a night.

That's what One Lavisch
Plaza is all about.

Well, now, seems like
it would be at least two rooms.

No, no, no.

See, because the air shaft
between the two towers,

you're renting that, too.

So that's all part
of your room.

The walls are just
- that's a formality. Right.

See, my theory is that
most very wealthy men

started life
as lonely little boys,

so this would be
very nostalgic for them.

I myself despise nostalgia
because... it's so old.

One Lavisch Plaza.

So what can I do for you?

Uh, so, you know,
the deal that we made,

I was wondering if maybe-

It's no problem
to pay you back,

but if I could have
a little extension...

I think you're doing
exactly the right thing.

Get out of the business now.
You don't need it.

Who needs the headaches?

Who needs the Teamsters
and the towels and- and-

You're right.
Hi, Renee.

How are you?
Hello, Mr. Lavisch.

And I think you're a very
smart man for walking away-

No, no.

You know, and I don't think
I made myself clear there.

I wasn't being, um-

So I want to keep
the Rabbit's Foot.

It's what- It's my dream
and my passion,

and I think I have to-

As I listen to you,
it occurs to me

that maybe you are
requesting something of me,

and you should know
that I-

I never answer requests
in the positive.

It's just-
It's not what I do.

I did tell him that.
I'm more of-

Hello, Renee.
Hello, Mr. Lavisch.

- of more of a negative-
How much more time do we have?

Uh, ten seconds.

Y- You know-

And done.

Good to see you, Jack.

You're looking really well.

You lay off
those vitamins, now.

Don't forget your hat. Bring
my helmet, will you, please?

I'm sorry. I told you.

I apologize.

Good luck.

Here you are,
Mr. Lavisch.

around the plants!

The Faro family, yeah,

they had the monopoly
on downtown.

And somehow, when poor Jack
got a hold of it,

you see what's happened.

Would you stay
across the street?

Here you go, Brian.

Buy yourself
a couple of hookers.

Hey, Deuce Fairbanks!

You know what- Oh!

What's wrong with you,

Hey, Deuce?

You're washed up!

Suck my cock!

The downfall of Las Vegas
was the day they let people

wear culottes
into the casinos.

Culottes. You never
heard of culottes?

They're not a
- They're not a short, they're not a pant.

I don't know
what the fuck they are.

Will you take a look
at all of this crap?

Buried underneath
all of this is a history.

A history of Las Vegas.

It's the place
where Moe Dalitz

opened up his first
burlesque club,

the place where you can find
a 13-year-old in a whorehouse

if that was your pleasure.

It was a place where the Jews
and the blacks had to

enter the casinos
from rear entrances.

By the way,
on this corner right here,

I stabbed a bum.

Hey, hey,
speak with me, guys.


Welcome to the Golden Nugget.
Hi. Thank you very much.

Fred Marsh, checking in.
Fred Marsh.

Yeah. This is nice.

Yeah, it's great.

Um, I don't have
a Fred Marsh.

Is it under
another name, sir?

Uh... try Schwartzman,
Fred Schwartzman.

Yeah, it's Marsh.

It's Mar- We should probably
change that, all right?

Because it's-
it's Lainie Schwartzman.

Oh, here you are,
Mr. Schwartzman.

Right here.
No, it's Marsh.

Can we change it?
Why don't we change it?

It's fine. Yeah. I'm
going to get phone calls-

All right, and, uh...
Internet? There's Internet?

Spa tower suite?
Yes, there is Internet.

Okay, thank you.
Because I get that thing.

All right.
Yeah, okay.

Hold on.
Where's Ellen?

Enjoy your stay here.
Thank you very much.

Where's Ellen?
Hey, you guys-

Where's Ellen?
And who- this-

Who are you?

Holden, where's-

Oh, she's over there.
She's over there by the fish.

Holden, where are your
parents? They're going gambling.

See, this kid is-
Holden's not ours.

Okay, we're going to get the-
we're going to get Ellen.

Holden, where are your parents? Ellen!

Honey, you come with me.
Let's find your parents.

I told you we should
get the kid leash.

You think it's cruel.
It's not cruel.

What's cruel is our kid
is on the Strip right now.

Welcome to the Golden Nugget. Thank you.

Name, please?

The German.

The... German?

Oh, I have you right here.
Credit card, please.

Thank you.

Could I have some extra
hand lotion up in my room?

Uh, we'll see.

I'm sorry, sir, but we don't
allow animals here at the hotel.

They won't be here
for long.

Most people drink coffee,

but I think it's some sort
of beverage of the cowards.

To feel alive
and to get this energy,

it is essential for me to...

to kill something each day.

It doesn't have to be
a large animal.

I squish an ant
once in a while.

Or spiders.
They come very easily.

I've shot stray dogs.

Goose is a very,
very troublesome animal.

I've had a goat.

To strangle a goat, that
makes you feel really alive.

I've gambled
all over the world,

literally everywhere.

I remember once
in the Gobi Desert

I had to gamble for
a last gallon of water,

and that meant
two days of life.

I gambled with yak bones
against local tribesmen.

And once, I was doing
Russian roulette

with slave traders.

When I gamble,
I'm like a cello player.

It's just, uh...

just something very soft
inside of me.

Deuce is going to be here
in the tournament.

He and Lucky and me,

we were the real good friends
in the olden days.

I mean,
we were battling.

We were battling
against each other.

And he is a bastard,
but he's a glorious bastard.

The German?

I love The German.

He lights up a room.

The German?
Well, he's a good egg.

Me and him and Deuce
ran together

back in the early days.

Lucky Faro,

he was a fiend,
a monster.

And yet, against my better
judgment, I loved him.

We even tried to murder
each other at some point.

I had a lot of fun
in that joint.

The Rabbit's Foot.

It was old Las Vegas.

Not like it is now.

He was a throwback.

And I loved him.

I think when I look
back at him,

I still feel like strangling
the bastard once in a while,

but he's dead

and I think he dwells

in the heaven
of the gamblers.

When old Lucky died, he left
the Rabbit's Foot to Jack.

It was the last

and the worst bet
he ever made.

You know, I love Lucky.

And I love the Rabbit's Foot
and everything he's created,

but I wanted to just-
I wanted to go,

you know,
to the next level.

I wanted to expand.

My greatest achievement
of all time.

I built this casino
based on the concept

of the Chicago fires, 1895.

And it was on fire,
constantly on fire.

And then we'd have fire trucks
come and put it out.

Of course,
it burned down.


This, I think,
was a great idea, too.

Inside this
particular casino,

you actually have
a nuclear reactor

that took care of
all the energetic needs

of the casinos, and...

and that didn't get past
the Planning Commission.

I like this one, too.

It's called
Hector's Frozen Cart.

Now, I'm going to be
candid with you

and let you know that I
don't know what I was thinking

when I came up with this
particular design,

but I was under the influence
of cocaine and heroine

and marijuana and LSD

and mushrooms
and some ecstasy,

and you know how
sometimes you get

that cocktail just right,
and then there's just- boom!

Well, I sold off
the TV rights to The Grand

because I'm positive
that three years from now,

nobody is going to be
that interested in poker

or watching it
on television,

but they will be
watching bingo.

You mark my words.
Bingo is the future.

Welcome to beautiful
downtown Las Vegas.

Tonight, the North American
Indoor Poker League

takes you to the dazzling
Golden Nugget,

the host of The Grand,

the oldest
and most prestigious

poker competition
on the planet.

Brought to you by
these promotional partners.

I'm Phil Gordon, and joining me
in the booth is Mike Werbe.

And I'm Mike Werbe.

And welcome to day of The Grand.

We have all the top players in
the worldin this tournament today.

All the stars are here.

All the stars in a little
galaxy I like to call poker.

Lady Schwartzman.
All right.

One of the biggest
stories this year

is the dominant presence
of Internet players.

Many of our entrants
won their way in online.

Harold Melvin, my son.

That's right, Phil.

You know,
Internet poker

has its own breed
of celebrities.

For example,
there's a player

on PartyPoker
named "Pocket Aces,"

and people are speculating
maybe he's one of the pros.

Yeah, I've heard about
the guy on PartyPoker.

The Pocket Aces guy, yeah.

Phil Laak.

Phil Laak,
the Hillside Strangler.

No, no.
The Unabomber.

Yeah, that's the nickname.
Just give me the sheet.

Rumor has it there's a
player out in the circuit

known as Pocket Aces.

Are you Pocket Aces?

Let me tell you
how the Internet

screwed up poker, okay?

When a guy sucks out
on the river,

on the Internet,

you cannot take the guy
out in the parking lot,

and you cannot break
his fucking knees.

This is it.
You know what?

I don't want to wear a
tie. Oh, stop, stop. Stop.

It looks good. It looks
good. Here, hold this.

Let me just get it-
All right, come on.

Let's check it out.

Oh, I need my basket.

Oh, just in time.

Andy Andrews.
Of course.

Andy, you are
at Table 1.

What is my lucky number?

Well, it's so cold
outside and snowy,

and I think the temperature
in Las Vegas right now is-

What was it,
honey cake?

I think it's 91.

Oh, my gosh!

I teach math
at Saint Thaddeus',

and it's, uh...
it's a nice job.

And I think that you're-
I think what you do...

I don't want to talk
about that. No. Then I'll-

Please let me talk about it.
Please let me talk about it.

Sharon has
- and I don't know. What do you do?

Do you wake up one day and say,
"I would like to sew ribbons"?

Um, okay, so this
is my ribbon room.

I have my own business
called The Ribbon Store,

and this is it.

These ribbons, actually,
you can use for knitting, too.

I've knit some really-

some really nice sweater vests
out of some of these.

So I'm online, and I'm-
I wasn't home.

And I'm hunting and pecking
for fireplace pokers, and I-

Antique fireplace pokers.

Yeah, and I land on this thing
called PartyPoker. net.

And I don't know where I am.

And I'm trying to get out,
and I'm typing in my name.

And all of a sudden- Here.

And pretty soon,
I'm playing!

And I won.

I won a seat.

I won the tournament,
and I won a seat at The Grand.

But if we win, then... Then...

But if we-

Trying to get him to think more positive
- Can you imagine?

$10 million,
and we'll be warm.

Because that's what-
Because you promised.

That's what Sharon wants.

You promised that we would
move somewhere warm.

Well, I was thinking of maybe
making one of these vests

for Andy out of...


You know, sometimes
I walk in here and I...

I look at all this stuff,

and there's so much
stuff in here, and it-

it really stresses me out.

I got this blowtorch
as a wedding gift

to make crème brûlées with,
and I just think, like...

I could totally
set this place on fire.



Shuffle up and deal.

Well, I guess one
of the biggest things

that happened today
is when Jack Faro walked in.

He's one of the few players
that I actually like.

I mean, especially
back in the day, we-

Doesn't matter.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Jack Faro?

Yeah, he walked in.

Now, I'd like
to talk to somebody

about the legality
of that,

because I don't know
if that's kosher.

I mean, that may fly in,
like, Communist China

or Feudal Russia,
but this is America.

Jack Faro, very good.

He throws tournament,
he throws The Grand.

Very good, very good.
That I respect.

Then he comes in to play
in his own tournament.

This is like
if I give you a goat,

and I killed
and I eat the goat,

I have given you shit.

I don't- I got-
I mean, what would-

what would you do?

Because it's a good hand,

but I've heard
sometimes you don't call.

What are you doing?
You can't show me your hand.

You show one, show all.

You gotta show everybody
your hand now, please.

I knew you only had one pair.

Your bet on the river
was as transparent

as a cloaked
Romulan Bird of Prey.

This tournament
is different.

There's money
only for the winner.

The winner takes all,
and that appeals to me.

I just want to see all the others
crushed and disappear and crumble.

I want to win.

It's apparent that you have
no concept of pot odds.

There are a number of books
available in the gift shop

that explain it
quite thoroughly.

Also, you have corn
in your teeth.

I can squish you.

You know what I mean?

Goddamn, this is fun, man.

I believe in luck.

I know that because I've had
so much bad luck in my life

is probably why
I'm so damn lucky at cards.

Luck is a crutch.

Good move.

Where'd you learn that,
playing on your television set?

I think I'm lucky,
but I'm very skillful.

If people played correctly,

I would win
every single hand ever.

Nut straight.


People misplay.

And then they end up with what
I like to call good fortune.

So it's not about luck.

I'm gonna go all in.

Oh, and since you like
my hat so much,

I'll just put that
in there, too.

Well, with respect,
fuck you.

Take it, take it, take it. Thank you.

I wouldn't have wanted
to lose that hat.

Where are you from, exactly?
Your country.

Why do you need to know? I mean,
is everybody miserable like you?

Why are you miserable?
Let me ask you a question.

Jewish? Jewish?
No, I'm not Jewish.

I mean, I have
a lot of guilt and-

Yet another player thrown off
my Achmed's unknown ethnicity.

He's from the Middle East,
but is he Arab, is he Israeli?

Well, no one knows, Mike,
and that's the point.

I think he's a Jew.

Have you seen that
episode of Star Trek

where the guy's painted
half black, half white?

Don't think I've
caught that one.

Yeah, me either,
but, um...

but I heard it's good.

I'm sure it is.

Deuce Fairbanks,

one of the legends
of the game.

I'll tell you, Mike,
he is not at all intimidated

by some of these
younger players.

And he's not intimidated.

I got two pair with
a San Francisco busboy,

a queen with a trey.

San Francisco?

Busboy? Queen?

What are you,
a fuckin' idiot?

You should've hit the
slot machines, jack-off.

God, you're a bigger
dick than I am.

I'm Mike "The Bike,"
Mike "The Bike" Heslov.

My name's Murph Murph.

Tim "Tiny Wonder. "

We're the Bust-You Crew.

Yeah, you know, we've played
together for so long

that we got a lot
of shorthand.

You know, it's like
when you got a-

sitting pretty
on a Jim J. Bullock

and somebody Adrian Zmeds
you on the river.

Brutal beat.

Yeah, we're kinda known

for making a lot
of crazy bets.

If you're gonna be
a really good player,

you gotta basically
be a gambler.

I drank a quart
of semen once.

Mm. It was bull semen,
though, right?

No, it was human.

It wasn't a bet, either.

Yeah, that was-
that wasn't a bet.

Yeah, I just did that.

All in.

I'll call.




Let me give you
a bit of advice, Mikey.

If you don't see a sucker sitting
around this table, you're it.

What do they call
that crew?

The Bust-You Crew,
is that it?

Bunch of sissies.

I wish they would have pulled
that shit in the old days.

We'd have dug a little hole
for them out in the desert,

teach them a trick or two.

Let me see?
Oh, yeah, I'll take it.

My name is Seth Schwartzman.

I'm semi-retired.

And both my kids are top
professional poker players.

Ugh. Uh, wai-
what's going on with-

What happened?

I heard a slogan
when I was young,

and I forgot who said it,

but the slogan was
"Competition breeds winners. "

And I always thought
that that was correct,

that that was a good slogan.

One time, he told us that
he was going to Disney World,

but he'd only bring
one of the kids with him.

I could take one of my kids
to Disney World,

and I had what I called
the World Series of Checkers.

They were going to play
seven checker games.

The winner was going
to go to Disney World.

And, um... it didn't
go well for Larry.

I didn't leave Larry
alone for three days.

He had- the dog was there
the whole time.

He had birds in the house.
He had the turtle.

The kid you see today,
the determined kid,

the kid that's going
to win at any cost,

that's the kid that I saw when
I came back from Disney World.

Whether it was
Chutes and Ladders

or Freeze Tag or-

Monopoly, we played Clue-

Wiffle Ball
or KerPlunk! or-

we played checkers,

and we played chess.

I'd give him Yahtzee.

I had to hear him

cry himself to sleep
every night.

I let her beat me
a lot of the time.

I mean, she's my sister.

There was a time,
you know,

when we thought...
she had cancer, you know?

And it turned out
just to be a bad haircut.

I rocked Candyland.

He never once beat me
at Candyland.

Nobody beats me at
Candyland. Ask my kids.

I think if you
tell one kid

that you don't
love him as much,

believe me, that kid
is gonna try harder.

We're seeing some
great action, Phil.

That's right, Mike,
but not a lot of surprises.

Almost all of the top players
are still in it.

I need to ask you
to remove the glasses.

No, no, no. No.
They're prescription.

You can keep those.


Oh, my God, I haven't
seen you since the divorce.

Andy Andrews
in a pot against

two of the top pros
in the game,

Doyle Brunson
and Phil Hellmuth.

I'm all in.

And Doyle's moving all in.
All in. 60,000.

I'm going all in.


Andy in a very
interesting spot here.

I can't believe I'm in a hand
with Tex Brunson.

The name's Doyle, Andy.

Not Tex, Doyle.


Seriously, Doyle?

Yes, serious.

Well, that's a tell.

That's probably a tell.

No, it's a tell when you don't
know who Doyle Brunson is.

Okay. I'm gonna go...

All right, okay.
I'll go all in.

I'm gonna-
I'll bet everything.

Somewhat loose call
all in here

with a straight flush draw.

The amateur taking
a chance to triple up.

Straight flush draw.

The turn card.
No help for Andy.

Here comes the river.

Oh, it's a miracle card
for Andy!

He catches a flush.

Doyle Brunson
and Phil Hellmuth

are eliminated
on the same hand.

You made a flush.

You won, Andy.

It doesn't look like Andy
knows that he won.

Good job.

I'm sorry.
Good job.

Oh, gosh.

That's so bad manners
that I laughed.

Don't be sorry.
No, it's-

Good hand!

That was absolutely
astonishing, Phil.

It was, especially
considering the fact

that Andy Andrews
has never played

in a live poker
tournament in his life.

But you know, on the other
hand, it's not that surprising.

Oh, and how is it
not surprising?

Well, here's a guy,
he's done the legwork,

he's done the homework,
he's using the Werbe Method,

he's reading my book
Winning is Winning.

How do you know
he read your book?

Well, I've got
an extremely strong hunch

that he's taken
a look at Chapter 3,

a Fictional Persona. "

Hey, Marshall, um...

Guys, can we get a cut?

I just need a minute.


Mike, you can't go
pimping your product

right in the middle
of our broadcast.

It's so inappropriate.

Phil, I was just
stating a fact.

And what fact is that?

It's a fact that
- that he might have read my book.

I'm a top-ranked
poker player.

I've broken the top on a number of occasions.

But not only that,
I am an award-winning guru.

Every time you play
a hand of poker,

you want to run through
a mental checklist.

"Head position,
hand position,

neck position,
breathing, posture. "

More than 25 items.
It's a lot.

And that's why I've come up
with a handy mnemonic device.

Just one word:

"Hphpnpbpecmspamdcpaftsttl. "

It's easy.

I've got a couple books out,
the first being-

well, my tour de force-
Winning is Winning.

I got a follow-up book

that's hot off the presses,
Winning is Really Winning.

There's also a number
of products.

They're available
at TheWerbeMethod. com

And you can take that
to the bank.

Playing high-stakes poker,

the last thing you want to do
is worry about what to wear.

Face it,
putting together

an attractive outfit
takes time.

I call it the Werbe Onesie.

At first glance,
it's a casual ensemble.

But on closer inspection,

it's a single item
of clothing.

One of the more
popular chapters

is something called
"Creating a Fictional Persona. "

it means pretending

you're someone
that you're not.

You know, like,
uh, a caveman.

Anything to throw off
your opponent.

At this point,
I'd say upwards of 10%

of the players out there
are creating

a fictional persona.

I saw a- a Native American
gentleman, and...

you know, it was seamless.

Hello, Andy Andrews.

Oh, how-

Oh! You know-
How do you do?

You know my name.
I don't know yours.

I'm Andy Andrews.
I'm Harold Melvin.

I was impressed by your play
against Hellmuth and Brunson.

Really? How come?

When you had
the straight flush draw,

you were over 46.2% even
though they both flopped sets.

From an expected value
perspective against two opponents,

it was a skillful play.

No, I'm just-
I'm lucky.

You know what I love?

I love it when you get a heart flush because
- and I hate clubs.

Don't you hate clubs?
They're, like, dirty.

Hi. Who are you
talking to?

How do you do?
I'm Andy Andrews.

I'm number 1 right now.
How do you do?

I'm Harold's mother Ruth.

Oh! It's a pleasure
to meet you.

It's a pleasure to meet
you. Thank you very much.

Another pro.

Ruth, I am having
an adult conversation.

You two have
so much in common.

I'm having an adult

He's just brilliant.
He is.

You could learn
so much from him.

Really? Like what?

Well, he has a lot
of wonderful tricks-

one in particular.

His first two cards,

when they match
in color, you know?

And it's one number after another
- Sure.

Well, he plays them
and wins!

Cease, Ruth.
Well, you do!

Maintain a perimeter, Ruth.

Well, you two
should have lunch.

I think that you
look good together.

Exit, Ruth.

I'll see you later.

I apologize
for her presence.

Oh, no.
She's lovely.

I'd- I'd love to have-

I actually can't have lunch.
I can have dinner sometime.

It might be pleasant
to discuss strategy

in a quiet social setting.

We could use our vouchers
at the same restaurant

at the same time
and sit at the same table.

I like Chinese.


He has good moments
where he tries

to be kind
and considerate.

He does.

And with his syndrome,
that's difficult

to think of other people,
you know?

Ruth is always trying to get me
to make more friends,

and I guess I can see
the logic in that

because in the same way that a
herd of antelope protect each other,

in a certain way
there's safety in numbers.

Harold's not
like other people.

And when he was
a little boy,

I took him to doctor
after doctor after doctor,

and they all said
the same thing...

that there's something
wrong with him.


Oh. That's your name, fifth down.

I know, there's a lot
of names on the board.

It can get confusing.

Renee. Right?

From a couple days ago?

When I picked you up?

We spent a good 45 minutes
in the car together.

Oh, that was lovely.

How are you?
I'm great.

So Lavisch is prepared
to offer you

a little bit
of a deal, so-

Did you do something
to your hair?

No. What did you do to your hair?

It's the same.

It's exactly the same,
all right?

He's just- He's willing
to offer you a little cash

in exchange for the hotel.

Please don't touch me.
Oh. Is that a natural curl?

It's enhanced with
a curling iron slightly,

but I do have
a natural wave.

Are you interested?

It's a one-time offer.


If I get to keep the hotel,
then we got a deal.

Jack, why would
he give you the hotel

and give you
a cash settlement?

Because he's a nice guy.

Uh, he's not a nice guy,

and I don't recommend
you screwing with him.

Okay. Well, I am
a nice guy.

Tell him to go
fuck himself.


And then, after that,
let's you and I

go get us something
to, um, drink.

Not gonna happen.


I'm gonna stop you
from eating too much salad.

We gotta get
the Strip Steak

because they said
the Strip Steak,

that's why everybody
comes here.

I think maybe I'll stick
to seafood tonight.

Why would you have fish
in a steak restaurant?

You can get
whatever you want.

Would you go to a seafood
restaurant and have a steak?

Yeah, maybe, if I wanted
a steak. You would?

Yeah, I would.
All right, all right.

Well, you would,
but I wouldn't.

Excuse me, Mr. Schwartzman?

I, um- I'm sorry
to interrupt you,

but would you mind removing
your hat while dining-

I can't. I'm contractually obligated
to wear the hat, so I can't.

You gotta wear your hat
in a restaurant?

That's part of your contract?

Yes, I have to wear my hat
in a restaurant.

I'm sorry.

Okay. All right, fine.
Here, how's this? All right?

That certainly helps
everybody enjoy their meal

if they can see my head.

Or at least be assured
that part of my head here-

Listen, miss,
can we order?

We've been waiting here
for a long time.

All right?

First of all,
take the wine.

Nobody's gonna have wine.

We're gonna have four people,
family style-

Why don't we order-
Let me order family style.

Fred, let me order family style.
I found out what's good here.

We're gonna start out with the
portabello mushrooms for four people.

We'll get potatoes-
Then we're gonna have-

Wait a second, Fred. I just
want some scalloped potatoes-

Yeah. We're gonna
have the salad,

the chopped salad
for four people.

We'll have two fillets,
two strips,

everything medium rare-

Yeah, I- I'll have
the chicken.

You want chicken?
So one less steak.

You don't want
to try the steak?

I'm going to
eat chicken, Dad.

All right,
she wants chicken.

Scalloped potatoes
if you could write that down.

I'm gonna get to
the scalloped potatoes.

First, we want asparagus.


And I- uh, change
one of those steaks-

Oh, look at this,
another country heard from.

What do you want now, Larry?

Um, can you change
one of the steaks-

I don't care which one-

to the sake tuna,
sake-glazed tuna?

You can't have tuna.
You can have a steak.

I know what I want
to eat, okay?

No tuna.

Three steaks, she can have chicken,
he wants scalloped potatoes.

You got everything else?
How come-

We don't need
the scalloped potatoes.

Forget about that.

Why don't you wrap
his steak up?

He'll take it with him.
No, no. That's all right.

Wrap the steak up for him
so he'll take it with him.

All right? Okay?

It's an excellent steak.
Tell the chef.

And bring me the check.

Wow. You don't
have to do that.

I got something very exciting
to talk to you two about.

I've been meeting
with the president

of Peter Pan
Poker Network.

He wants to do a site,
a Lainie and Larry site,

where you two are going
to have your own poker site

as soon as you can get rid of
I Can't Believe It's Poker.

ToPlayPokerDotCom" the word...

Right. Whatever. ... "triple
seven" the number, dot net.

There were some other names

I think would have been
my first choice, but um...

I got into the whole web arena
a little late, and-

Whatever, I'm ready to go.
It's not about the name.

And we all can be involved in this
together... Well, what's the deal? a family.
That sounds cool.

I got them up to
121/2% each for you.

Plus a signing bonus.

It's a great deal.

Well, I appreciate the effort
and the- but that's not a-

that's not the best deal.

121/2%? Did you think
that was a good deal?

He said it was good deal.

Okay, you don't know what
the fuck you're talking about.

If you think
that's a good deal,

you don't know the first fucking
thing about a website, okay?

So don't do it,
don't get involved.

This is not
for you to do.

A daughter...

does not talk to
her father... like that.



You... said you were
going to get the check.

I'm gonna go check on
the kids. You know what?

Lainie, we should talk about
this, because... Take your time.

I'll see you. ... shouldn't
it be LarryAndLainie. com?

No, that's not
even the point now.

I think it is very much
the point. It's going to be-

It's not even going
to happen, this thing, so...


It's Day 2 at The Grand
in Las Vegas,

and the field is narrowing

By the end of the day, we'll be
down to our final six players,

one of whom will win the $million first-place prize.

Hey, guys.

All right.

Let's play poker, boys.

And lady, let's play some poke
- Ma'am, may I speak to you?

I need to speak to you.

Could you come over here
for a minute, please?

Bobby, I'm about to-
Come on.

That's improper dress.

You're not allowed
to wear that.

On, no, no, no, no.
I know.

I converted to Muslam, uh,
last night on the- from-

there was something on TV.

That's all right,
but that's a woman's dress,

not a man's dress.

You have to dress
like a man.

That's anti-Semitic,
and that's anti-feminist,

and that's racist.

And you are going
on report.

Fine. All right.
But guess what.

I'm playing this under
protest, all right?

Have you seen me raise
with shitty cards? Nope.

Haven't raised with
shitty cards all night.

Don't ever say shitty,

Las Vegas is a place
that has no irony.

You just win or you lose.

And you are a giant,
or you are a midget.

You are just walking
away as a dwarf.

You are cowed
if you are not-

if you don't have
the guts to win.

You are drawing more dead

than a rotten corpse
that reeks of carrion.

That makes no sense.

Better get out.

You're up against a lot
of great players, but...

Well, I have a sense
of purpose about this.

Quite frankly,
I have to win.

Ooh, this is a hard one.

Wait, what happened?


Mommy's about to triple up.

Yeah, Day 2, that was
pretty smooth sailing.

I learned that my daughter's
really good at math.

Larry Schwartzman
still going strong.

He's knocked out some
of the best players in poker,

but now he's up against
"Sob Story" Barry Blausteen.

I'm all in.

And Blausteen's all in.

is counting him down.

Looks like he's
considering a call.

Did I tell you
I couldn't have kids?

Zero sperm count.
Doesn't matter anyway.

If those kids were born,
they'd die of cancer anyway.

Everyone in my family
died of cancer.

My wife's got cancer.

Blausteen really
laying it on thick here.

She's got six months
to live.

Your- Your wife
has six months to live?

At the most.

That's- You went
to a bunch of doctors?

You got several opinions?
I mean, you're sure that-

It's metastasized.
It's over.

I loved her so much.

I don't know-

I don't know what
I'm going to do without her.

Wow. This is a very
effective performance.

He's taken it
to a new level,

and Larry really seems
to feel bad for him.

Well, wait a second.
Wait a second.

I just realized
I don't give a shit.

No, wait.
Okay, I'm all in.

Schwartzman didn't fall for
it. All right. Whaddaya got?

He's all out against
Blausteen. Turn 'em over.

It looks like he's going
to win this pot.


Hmm, yeah.

Doesn't quite beat it, huh?

It's all right.
It's all right.

Now you got more time to play with
the kids you're not gonna have.

Talk about a sob story, Barry
is out of this tournament.

You dropped your,
uh, yarmulka.

I'll tell you what
I think happened, Phil.

I think he misread
the cards.

Nah, I doubt it.
Well, it's a common problem.

I talk about it in my book,
chapter 9, "Knowing Your Cards. "

What do you mean
"knowing your cards"?

Knowing your cards.
There's 52 of them.

It's not that easy
to remember all of them.

Werbe tip number 2:

know the cards,
memorize the cards,

every single one of them.

Simple, and it's easy,

especially with the Mike Werbe
patented flash cards.

We're down
to two tables now,

and Andy Andrews continuing
an improbable run.

Over at Table 5, Jack Faro
has had a tough day.

He's trying to hang on
to his remaining chips.

Jack's in the big blind
with two callers.

We've got a three-way pot.

Yes, we do, and Jack is gonna
be first to bet on this flop.

6 of diamonds, 8 of diamonds,
deuce of diamonds.


That's 200,000.

It's hard to say
what he's got here, Mike,

but it wouldn't surprise me if Jack
was just trying to steal this pot.

Melvin out of the way.

The German staring him down.

He might be putting Jack
on a steal here.

200,000 is a very big bet.

And The German
does make the call.

Here comes the turn card.

It's the deuce of spades.


Jack checks and The German
checks behind him.

And here's the river.
The river's the 9 of diamonds.

If Jack was slow playing now,
he'll definitely make a bet.

I'm all in.

Indeed, that's
a very big bet, Mike.

I have no idea
what's going on here.

Jack Faro's
tournament life at stake.

The way he's played
this hand,

I'm putting him
either on the nuts

or a stone-cold bluff.

I call.

And The German calls.
Let's see 'em.


Any diamond
will make a flush.

You might wet your lederhosen
on this one, Deutsch-boy.

And indeed, a king high
flush for Jack Faro.

That's a fantastic hand,
nearly unbeatable.

Only one out for The German,
only one way to win this pot.

King high flush.

The German exposes a card.
That's no good.

He's gonna need the ace of
diamonds or Jack Faro will-

Aw! The ace of diamonds!


Jack Faro is out
of this tournament.

He's cheating.

There's no way he had
that ace of diamonds pre-flop.

He only called.
You are a crazy person.

I think I pulled
the ace of diamonds.

This pot is mine.

I don't know
how you did it,

but you gave yourself
the ace of diamonds

when the fourth diamond
came on the river.

The last 764 times,
you've hit ace-jack pre-flop,

you raised with it.

That is a fact.

This time you only called.

You are a very
predictable player.


Wow. What an incredible
turn of events.

Have you ever seen
anything like that, Phil?

Well, it's really rare
to see a player

accused of cheating
at the table.

It certainly doesn't
happen very often.

Well, you know
what they say.

"It ain't cheating if you
don't get caught," right?

Meanwhile, the question
on everyone's mind is this:

Who will be our sixth player
at the final table?

Will The German be
disqualified for cheating?

And if so, what happens
to Jack Faro?



Hey, Freddy.

I think Lainie and I should
clear the air here a little bit.

Yeah. Yeah, well,
it's 11:30.

Lainie's asleep.

Oh, is she asleep already?
Yeah, yeah.

Let me come in
and say hello to the kids.

I haven't seen the kids
since they've been here.


Seth, come here.
Come here.

I just want to talk to you
for one second.

I just want to-
First of all...

I see what's happening here.
I see things.

I want to give you
some money.

I want to-
You know, I see the deal-

you're coming up
with an idea for the deal.

I understand where that's
coming from, and I just-

Don't take this as a-

You want to give me money? I do.

Where are you going to get
the money from, your wife?

No, this has nothing
to do with-

The money you're gonna give me
you're gonna get from her?

I'm not gonna get
any money from her.

This has nothing to do
with her and her-

So why are you going
to give me money for?

Did I ask you for money?
No, no, no.

And that's what I'm trying
to say. Don't get offended-

I'm not a pauper. I don't
sell peanuts in the park.

I don't need
your money, Freddy.

This is what I respect
about you.

I knew you would
react this way,

but don't react this way.

Don't react this way.
Don't pee in your own wetsuit.

That's what I gotta say to you.
Don't pee in my own wetsuit?

It's a saying-
What does that mean?

It loosely implies right here, this
saying, but it's probably not accurate.

But forget about it.
What are you talking about?

I don't need your money.

And I don't like the way
your wife talked to me.

I don't like how you're talking
to me now. I'm not a pauper.

I'd like to see the kids before
I leave. Is that too much?

No, that's not too much. To
see the kids before I leave?

I'd like to see the kids
tomorrow before I leave.

Okay. This is not an insult.
I'm not insulting you.

I'm just- I'm just saying
don't pee in your wetsuit!

You know, I wouldn't mind
tasting grass now.

You know, just to see
if I like it.

Maybe make, like,
a cappuccino or something.

Or a latte.

The milk probably
doesn't foam that well.


Jack, wake up!

Come on! I was talking.

Okay, I have
a confession to make.

Oh, my God, I feel weird.

Mm, you know Steve Lavisch?

Of course.

He, um- He paid The German
to take you down.


And, um, he's going
to take the Rabbit's Foot

and just blow it up.

I'm sorry.
I should have told you.

You're so sweet
to tell me this now.

Hey, do you think that
there's any possibility that-

Look at me for a second.


I want to ask you
a question.

Would you consider-

...marrying me?

Hold on.


Yeah. Here
- I'm not here. I'm not here.

He's not coming
to the phone.

Robert Thompson Tournament.

No, does not want
to talk to you.

Okay? You can take your tournament
- I want to talk to him.

You can shove it in your ass
because he doesn't need-

Gimme. Hello?
... to play that stuff!



Okay. Okay, I'll be
right there.

What? What happened?

The German,
they saw him cheating.

They want me back
in the tournament.

I'm back in.
I'm back in.

If I could just
clear my head-

I don't look like I've
been partying, right? No.

Wish me luck.
Good luck!

Wait, we're still
getting married, right?

There it is, Mike,
the dramatic footage,

straight from
the security cameras.

And you can clearly
see The German

with the ace of diamonds
up his sleeve.

That's a tough move. I've
never gotten away with that one.

Well, indeed, the security
cameras make it very difficult.

More importantly, Jack Faro
takes over for The German

and becomes the sixth player
seated at our final table.

And the Rabbit's Foot
lives to see another day.

Indeed, it does.

Meanwhile, The German
has lost his tour card

and is being escorted out
by casino security.

Sir, you're going to
have to leave right now.

I can't find my bunny.

Munchkin, he's a rabbit,
a white rabbit.

Have you seen Munchkin? No, sir.

I can't find my rabbit.

Hey, Munchkin. Munchkin!

Where is my rabbit?
Wo ist mein Hasen?

Hey, Munchkin?

Munchkin, Munchkin,
Munchkin, Munchkin.

Excuse me, sir? Sir?

Did you lose a bunny?


This your rabbit?
This is service.

Ah, you found it.

You found it
in the hallway.

Yeah, she was hopping
down the hall.

That's so sweet.
There she is.

Well, she's back with you.
You have a good day, sir.

Yeah. Thank you,
thank you, thank you.

Little Munchkin.

It's the way
we greet each other.

Such a sweet little-
Such a sweet little rabbit.

Yeah, I'm ready to go.

Yes. It's okay now.


Yes, I've got you.

Hey, my little one.

Maybe two rival sports teams.

The Yankees and the Red Sox,
for example, or, uh-

I don't know
the sports teams,

but to have them each
occupying one of the towers

so they're in basically
the same room.

Sir, you need
an appointment.

Am I wearing my helmet?
No, sir, you're not.

This is me.
Maybe you should-

Hello, Mr. Lavisch.
Jack Faro.

How are you, son?

Mr. Lavisch,
you've underestimated me...

because I'm a survivor.

And guess what.

The Rabbit's Foot
is going to survive.

You are not blowing up
the Rabbit's Foot,

not while I'm alive.

Well, of course you can
be there for the demolition.

I wouldn't have it
any other way.

Would you like to press
the plunger yourself?

I think that would be
a brilliant coup, to-

Can you hear me?

Can you hear me?
Do you-

Are you able to hear me?

Jack, when I was
14 years old,

I was stung by a phalanx
of Portuguese Men-of-War.

They're not men, they're
cowardly, evil fish

made of cowardly,
evil jelly.

I lost all the hearing
in this ear

and much of the hearing
in this ear.

I don't even know what ear
I'm pointing to anymore.

Hey, you know what?

That's not going to work.

You know why?

Two rooms.

I should have listened
to my Uncle Phil.

He said, "Don't go
in the water. "

You've been eating
meat products.

Portuguese Men-of-War
love meat products.

But I wouldn't listen.

No, I had to go splashing off
into- into the brine.

Brine is just
another flavoring.

They would've eaten me
alive if they c-


Is it my birthday?

$10,000 million,

the largest prize
in the history of poker.

Six men and women,
winner takes all.

Deuce Fairbanks,
the old timer.

This is his fourth visit
to The Grand.

Harold Melvin,
the lonely genius of poker

with $1.5 million
in chips.

In fourth place,
Lainie Schwartzman,

the woman.

In third place,
Larry Schwartzman,

poker's bad boy.

In second place,
the sentimental favorite,

One-Eyed Jack Faro.

In first place,
the unknown,

Andy Andrews.

Six players, six stories,
one winner.

Shuffling $100,000 blind.

Shuffle up and deal.

Holy shit.
Are we gonna play or what?


Welcome, everyone,
to the final table,

and, boy,
is this exciting.

Too exciting,
if you ask me.

Let's get to
the action on the felt.

Deuce looks like
he's debating

whether or not to call.

He has got
to make a choice.

All in.

Oh, my God.

Aces and jacks
will take the pot.

And Deuce takes the pot.


Wow! Wow!

How did you learn
to play poker?

By playing darts?

I was online

looking for
a fireplace poker...

Harold Melvin has to play
carefully here.

He's very short-stacked and
he'll have to double up soon.

It is by will alone
I set my mind in motion.

It is by the juice of Sapho
that thoughts acquire speed,

the lips acquire stains,
the stains become a warning.

It is by will alone
I set my mind in motion.

Is that Rush?

Where's Fred?

It's, um
- It's the night of the draft.

The what?

Fantasy football.
It's the night of the draft.

It's, like, a big,
big night for him.


Kind of a big night
for you, too, isn't it?

How does he do it?

How does he pick a kicker
in the third round?

No, no. No, no.
No way.

That's not gonna happen.

All right,
you ready for this?

Daddy's working.
Daddy's working.

No, no. Hey! Hey!
Hey, Daddy's working.

Go upstairs.
Go upstairs.

Put on a movie.

Well, it gives him something
to do, you know, when there's-

No, but he's got
other stuff.

It's not just
fantasy football.

I mean, he's designed a, um-
a round beach towel.

I know, I hope nobody
asks me to invest in that.

I wish I'd had a sister.

Did you not ever have a sister,
or is she still in rehab?

What do you mean when-

Do you mean you lost
your sister or-

Are you talking to me?

No, I'm talking to
just behind your glasses.

I just have astigmatism.
Yeah, I'm talking to you.

Well, I do have astigmatism,
so I don't much appreciate

you making fun of people
with astigmatism.

Thank you.

Does anyone else out there
have astigmatism?

You insulted half the people
in this audience.

I'm going to raise
and make it 900,000.


Andy Andrew
is raising to 900,000.

That's a huge raise
with the ace-queen.

And Deuce calls
with ace-8 off suit.

That's a very risky play.

He is really
underestimating Andy.

I'm pulling for you,

Deuce in a tough
position here.

The flop comes, and it's
no help for either player.

I'm all in.

Andy Andrews
moves all in.

I'll call.

I think that's
a terrible mistake, Mike.

That's coming from
a different generation.

Imagine if Abe Lincoln showed
upwith a stove pipe hat.

The electric lights alone
are gonna throw him off.

No 8.

And now the river.

Andy makes the flush,
and Deuce Fairbanks

is the first one eliminated
from our final table.

Deuce Fairbanks.

Thank you, Russell.

Sorry, Deuce.

Can I stand up?

There he goes.

This is bullshit. He deserved
to lose. He played poorly.

He played terribly.
Now look at-

Looks like Jack Faro's
breaking out the eye patch.

It's his trademark.

That's why they call him
One-Eyed Jack.

Well, back to the action,

and Andy Andrews
has picked up pocket 8s.

He's certainly
gonna bet here.

I'm going to make it...

That's an aggressive bet
for middle pair.

I like it.

Back over to Jack Faro.
He's got pocket queens.

And for the first time
in this tournament,

Andy Andrews
is completely dominated.

Some people
find that arousing.

It is a lifestyle choice.

500,000 is the bet.

Hey, where'd you say
that beef jerky museum-

And I'll raise it 500.

Andy Andrews has had a pretty
charmed tournament so far,

but he may be looking
at a little more

than he can handle
right here.

Dad, what are you
doing here?

Well, I didn't like they way
we left things the last time,

and I thought
I'd come here

and I would clear
the air a little bit.

You don't have to clear
the air with me.

I'm not the one that
has a problem with you.

Well, I had a conversation
with Fred right at your suite-

This isn't about Fred. Okay?

Larry's trying to play
in the tournament.



Come on.

I am.

I'm sorry I yelled at you
the other night.

Two players.
The bet is $1 million.

I'm all in.

All in.

I love it.

The only way Andy
can win this hand

is with a runner-runner.

He needs help on the turn
and help on the river.

I can't wait to see
which one plays more poorly.

I have a pair of 8s.
You have a queen?

Oh! I am pretty dead,
aren't I?

Don't look at it
that way.

Look at it as
I'm doing damn good.

I am pretty dead.

You're dead.

I am dead.

Set of queens.
Winner, Jack Faro.

Jack Faro doubles up.
He is back in the tournament.

All right, players,
that's a 10-minute break.

Hey, I'm on to you.

Ooh, that was a tough
beat out there.

Going in with pocket 8s.

I know, I know.
I got a bad beat.

Yeah. Please leave me alone, okay?

Hey, I told you already,
I'm on to you, okay?

Stop it, please.
Stop what?

I'm on to you.

How'd you get all the way
to this final table

by not knowing
what you're doing?

It's bullshit, okay?

You may be fooling
everybody else,

but you're not fooling me,
all right?

This is my game, pal.
Stop it.

This is my game, chief. Don't take
out your family problems on me.

You got problems
with your dad,

you got problems
with your sister.

I don't have
family problems.

I teach kids every day,
every year.

You're a textbook case.

Grow up.
What are you-

Just learn to love them.

I'm just saying I know.
I don't think you're-

You think you know
everything, but you don't.

Let's take a look
at our leaderboard.

Jack has a commanding lead right
now with 5.3 million in chips.

Larry's right behind him,

Andy and Lainie
are pretty close together,

and Harold is bringing up
the rear with 870,000.

Are you okay?

Small, big, 100, 200,
please. Yeah, I am.

Looks like Jack's in a
little bit of trouble here.

Larry with the best hand,
a pair of queens.


And Jack making the bet,
looking for an ace.

A club comes on the turn,
increasing his chances to 32%,

but Larry is still
in control.


Big bet from
Larry Schwartzman.


And a call from Jack Faro.

Jack needs an ace,
a 5, or a club.

And a club on the river gives
Jack Faro the best hand.

Disaster card
for Larry Schwartzman.

The pot is very big here.

It's going to be
very difficult for Larry

to lay this hand down.

Tough spot for Larry,
but he's definitely

a good enough player
to lay it down.

All in.

All in.
But he goes all in.

This is an immediate call
from Jack Faro.

Jack does have
the nut flush.

Queen, 7, 8, 6, nut flush.

Winner. Big hand
for Larry Schwartzman.

And Larry Schwartzman
will be eliminated

from this final table.

Gee, that was fun.
Aw, man.

This was a lot of fun,
you know that? Yeah.

You did good.

Played the best I could.

Thought I did
a pretty good job.

Gambled. That's why
they call it gambling.

And, uh, it's not-

it's not the most
important thing.

And my sister's still in it.

She's gonna kick ass.

You played good.

Dad, he caught
a runner-runner flush.

What the hell
am I supposed to do?

Yeah, what do you mean? Why
are you knocking yourself out?

That's what happened.

You had the best hand,
he got lucky.

You played good.

Yeah, I mean, that's what
I'm saying. I mean- I mean-

That's what happens.
It's a stupid game.

Sometimes people
get lucky, they win,

they shouldn't even
be in the hand.

To me, that's not how
a good player plays.

I know, that was ridiculous.
I totally could've taken that.

Yeah, you win that hand,
you're gonna go on,

you're gonna go
all the way.

That's my opinion.

The name of the game,
I guess.

Poker. That's what the say.
That's the name of the game.


Is that fresh fruit?

Yeah, yeah, it's-
Do you want any?

It's fresh?

Well, I mean-
It looks old.

It's- I mean,
it's been here for a while.

I didn't have no lunch.
Oh, well, take it.

It's free, you know,
so I know that'll-

Here, I'll give you a boat.

Yeah, give me one.
All right.

What could that jerk call you
when he got nothing?

I mean, yeah.
I mean, I should've gone-

That's honeydew.
I want the cantaloupe.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That watermelon looks
good in the back there.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Remember, your mother
used to love watermelon?


She could eat a whole
watermelon by herself.

She did a bunch,
didn't she?

Yeah, remember that?

All right,
thank you, Larry.

You played good.
Don't knock yourself out.

Well, thanks.

This looks old.
I'm not gonna eat this, Larry.

It looks old.
It's not your fault.

I'm not saying
- All right, well, don't eat it, then.

I'll get you a sandwich.

I'll get you a sandwich. Yeah,
yeah, let's get a sandwich.

Four players remaining,

and Harold Melvin
is still hanging in there.

He takes a nice-sized pot
from Lainie Schwartzman,

who has quietly
built up her stack.

That adds 500,to Harold's chips.

You're building his stack.

Yeah, I guess I just put
that little brainiac fucker

back in the game.

You have the vocabulary
of a drunken spice miner

and the hairstyle
of an Arrakean whore.

Oh, man, that's really
gonna set me back, Harold.

You know, it's interesting
that he brings it up,

because I was once
with an Arrakean whore.

You know,
I'm not really sure-

No, no, I'm serious,
and the weird thing was,

she had a penis.

Mike, Arrakean whores
are from the book Dune.

Well, that's not
what she said.

Science fiction.

I miss your brother.

I got to know him
a little bit.

We chatted.

I miss him, too.

I don't miss him.

Me, neither.

Just 'cause he's out,
let's not make him

into a good guy
all of a sudden.

No player's been
more charmed

than Andy Andrews
here at The Grand.

Every single time he's
needed the miracle card,

it seems to be
right there for him.

He's been the chip leader
pretty much the entire way,

and it looks like
his streak of luck continues.

He's pulled a monster hand:
pocket queens.

I will make it 800,000.

Raising to 800,000.

That's a very
nice-sized raise.

Jack Faro, looking at the
king-jack of clubs, will call.

Just the two of you now.

Tough break for Andy.

King on the flop gives Jack
the top pair, pair of kings.

I'll check.

Let's see, now.
All in.

All in.

Why not? I call.

Call. Let's see 'em.

He's got you covered.

This is a real setback
for Andy Andrews.

He's called off all his chips
with pocket queens,

and finds himself
just 13% to win.

Pocket queens.


A queen would be good.

Another king.


Jack on the turn.
No help for Andy Andrews.

He needs one of the two
remaining queens in the deck.

He's been lucky the whole time.
He could pull the miracle card.

Can he do it?
Can he pull that queen?

A queen would be good.

Ooh, six of spades.

It's the end of the rainbow
for this Cinderella story.

Andy Andrews.

That's right, Andy Andrews.

Shit. Good game, Andy.

Thank you.

You played well.

No, I didn't.
That was a terrible move.

I know.

We'll get a bite
and talk about it, huh?

I would like that.
Me, too.

I had the best hand,
and I...

I played it exactly
how an amateur would.

Harold Melvin's in a very
difficult situation here.

He is severely short-stacked.

He's picked up a pair of tens
to Jack's ace-king.

He needs the action.

This is his only way
back into contention.

Here's the flop.

It's absolutely terrible
for Harold.

Jack's now a 92%
favorite to win.

All in.

Harold hung in there
all day,

but I don't see how
he can escape this one.

This guy has nine lives.


Pot's right.
Let's see 'em.

Harold, all in.

Pocket tens.

Big slick, ace-king.

Holy shit.

And here's the turn.
It's the jack of hearts.

That's no help to Harold.

He still needs a ten,
or he's gonna be

eliminated in third place.

An ace on the river
gives Jack Faro

two pair, aces and kings.

Harold Melvin
has been eliminated.

Good game.

You played well.

You, too.

I came into the table at a
tremendous chip disadvantage.

I played as well as I could, but the
odds were against me from the beginning.

Are we done?


We're down to
heads-up action between

Lainie Schwartzman
and Jack Faro.

The winner of this tournament
will take home $10 million,

and the money's
out on the table.

Think about
what this buys, Phil.

That's three luxury homes,
that's 10 or 15 sports cars,

that's countless
items of jewelry.

And how many speedboats?

Um, that would, uh-

It would depend
on the speedboat.

A $500,000 speedboat.
Do the math.

You can probably do it on the back of
an envelope. Off the top of your head.

It's, uh-
That's- It's 11.

20. The answer is 20.

Well, maybe I was thinking of
a different kind of speedboat.

Or maybe you're
just a fucking idiot.


A lot of pressure, Jack.

Sure is.

And we're heads up.

Lainie with
a slight chip lead.

She's been quietly
building that stack all day.

6-8 of hearts.

A playable hand here
for Jack.


Looks like he's
going to call.

Action on Lainie.

I'll raise.


And she's gonna raise.

1.2 million more.

1.2 million more.
2.4 speedboats.

There it is. Call.

Jack makes the call.

And now
the all-important flop.

7, 6, 4 on the flop
for Lainie.

She has an open-ended
straight draw.

She needs a 3 or an to make the straight.

2 million to bet.

$2 million.
Jack with the best hand.

A pair of 6s.

All in.

That's 2 million,
and he goes all in.

Great read from Jack Faro.

I'm gonna call.

And Lainie will
make the call.

Holy shit-fuckers.

Jack is 66% to win.

What are you gonna do
with the money, Jack?

I'm gonna save
the Rabbit's Foot.

I kind of think my grandpa
would've appreciated it.

What about you?

I've got five babies
to put through college.


So this oughta do it for 'em.

And, uh, you know...
Fred has some good ideas.

That's your lucky husband.

My very lucky husband.

If Lainie wins,
she's the champion.

Fuck. I need
some fucking cards, man.

Let's see 'em.

Holy shit.

Open ended straight draw,
up and down.

4, 5, 6, 7.

He's got a pair of 6s,
with a gutshot straight draw.

Gonna need a 3.

I need an ace.

Come on.

An 8.


Lainie is the grand champion.

Ace on the river.

Aw, shit!

Oh, shit.

You take this now.

It brought me luck.
It'll bring you luck.

It'll bring you
fucking luck, Jack.

Yeah, I'm gonna need it.

What? No. No, you didn't. Yes!

No, you didn't!
Yes, I did!

You didn't!
Yes, I did! I did it!

Son of a bitch!
No! No!

Shh! Shh!
Don't wake up the kids.

What'd you do?
I did it. I swear.


You gotta bend back
when you do that.

You gotta bend back.
Okay, I'll bend back.

Oh, man.
I don't believe it.

I know. I know.

Oh, God, I wish I came.
I should've saw it.

No, no, no.
You were here.

How did your night go?

Hey, did you get Manning?

I did. I got Manning. You did?

This is unbelievable.

It's like
- you won 10 million, I got Manning.

It's like a $20 million night. I know.

Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, God.


Are you- Are you-

Yeah, Jack.

Are you warm in that coat?

No, I'm a ghost.

Oh. So- Because we didn't
bury you in that.

I just wondered, did you
get to pick your own outfit?

Jack, I'm not here
to give you

a fucking seminar
on the hereafter.

I'm here to talk about
the Rabbit's Foot and you.

Yeah, I'm sorry, Grandpa.
I just fucked that up.

Now, you listen to me.

I started this
because I liked it.

I liked kneecapin' people.

I liked cheating 'em,
I liked taking their money

and watching their dreams
swirl down the toilet.

Deuce and I are like that.

You're not like that.

You just do it because
you think you have to.

Well, that's a waste of time.

Go live your life.

Want to shut up?
I'm trying to take a leak.

What about your legacy,

Aw, I don't care
about that anymore.

I'm dead. You can dig up my corpse
and piss on it for all I care.

Maybe you fags
should get a room.

You ever had your ass kicked
by a ghost, cocksucker?



Jack grew up
in this business.

Jack knows what
he's getting into.

And if he would've won,
he would've been a hero.

The Rabbit's Foot would've
survived. I don't know.

Now they're doing something
else with it, I guess.

But it's like everything else, you know?

One of these days
they'll blow that up, too.

Mr. Lavisch.


First of all,
let me apologize, uh,

for calling you
a ridiculous,

pathetic excuse
for a human being.

I would humbly
ask you to consider

letting me back
on to the Lavisch team.

You know what the problem is?

It's really two rooms, isn't it? It is.

It's not one room, it's two rooms. Yeah.

That's really what it is.
It's two rather than one.

At first it's hard to notice.
It takes a while to see it.

Dad, can I just
get my job back?

And then we could
move on from this.

Look, two things.

First of all,
you don't call me Dad

unless it's Thanksgiving

or your birthday.
My birthday.

I know.

What's the second thing?

Thanksgiving, birthday.
That's two.

Put on your hard hat.

Sorry. Safety first.

I read a book
by a guy named Werbe

who said "change
your personality,"

and I looked at it as
that was just one more

piece of ammunition
I could use

that nobody else
would know.

We're gonna go undercover
to The Grand.

We're gonna
- We've never played poker before.

We don't know
what we're doing.

We're so dumb,
we're from the Midwest.

Of course, I've played online.

Of course, I've sat
at my computer.

I've won over
a million dollars online.

And it worked.

I come in pretending
not to know anything.

I'm this guy Andy Andy,

and I take out Phil Hellmuth
and Doyle Brunson.

All right, I didn't win,

but jeez, it was great.

I lost. I came in third.

Ruth disappeared one day,

and I thought that she had
been abducted or murdered,

but then she called
and said that she had moved.

Frank Werbe has theories

that suggest
mental impairment,

so, not surprisingly,

Ruth made a poor choice
in running away with him.

I am alone in my
condominium now,

which is neither
good nor bad.

It is simply
the present reality.

Things are good.
Things are really good.

Believe it or not,
I still play a lot of poker,

but I-
not as competitively.

I've been teaching poker
to American Indians,

trying to get them in it.

My sister.

And, you know, I've actually
been spending a lot of time

with Lainie and Fred
and the kids

and hanging out with them,

and, you know,
I've started seeing

this woman twice a week,

and she's awesome.

Um, it was something I never
really thought I'd be into,

the idea of going
to a professional,

you know, prostitute,
but... it's good.

It's worked out for me,
and bought my dad

a ranch-style
dressing factory

that he always-

He's always loved
ranch dressing, and...

you know, I got him
one of those.

And, uh,
it's in Sri Lanka.

When I won The Grand,
it was awesome,

and I felt, like,
a little bit bad for Jack.

I don't know why.
I wish I-

I felt bad for Larry,
I felt bad for Jack,

but, um...
it was fucking great.

That little girl is tough.

She, um...

She got the ace on the river
twice against me.

The second time, of course,
being the most devastating

since it put me
out of the tournament.

Well, Fred and I
talked about it,

and we decided to invest
in the Rabbit's Foot.

Although I think, um,

Fred wants to change the name
to the Lightning Strike,

but we're working it out
with the lawyers, though.

So the Rabbit's Foot
will go on.

It's not gonna get torn down.
It's gonna be here forever.

I do think that there's
such a thing as fate

and there's
such a thing as luck

and there's some big, giant chasm
of disparity between the two,

and I now have come to believe
that there are no accidents,

and things happen
according to a reason,

some big mystical plan.

New York, New York?
Oh, that's original.

I can go
to the East Coast

and experience that
any old time.

Or you've got
the Eiffel Tower.

Oh! Oh, now, let me see.
Where have I seen that before?

And you have the, uh,
oh, the pyramid.

Uh, great, you know.


I also tried
before that to get

at least nine hours
of sleep,

and also- also,
I pay a prostitute

to do sex with me.

And that's how I prepare
for a tournament.

Can I get a, uh-
What do you want?

Um, whatever, you know?

I mean,
you're buying, right?

Oh, wait, I'm buying.
I'm buying.

Give me a Stuttering

I'll have a... just a beer,
whatever beer.

Baby's Coffin for him,
and I'll just have a beer.

Let's get a Hideous Canadian,
and I'll have a beer.

Just a whatever.

What's that?
What's a Hideous Canadian?

I don't know, it's like
butterscotch schnapps

and some other crap.

No, you know, I don't
like ranch dressing.

I never did like
ranch dressing.

I enjoy Russian dressing.

What would be an example
of one of the questions

I might ask you
in an interview?

Well, how did- When did
you start playing poker?

Mm-hmm. When did you
start playing poker?



No, I'm just saying
I don't like the name.

The body of the goose
flips around,

and you hold the neck, and you
twist the neck, and it kills them.

But what happened to me is that
it didn't kill the goose.

It just dislocated my wrist.

So that was bad.

Are there any other questions
that they ask in interviews?


Are you telling me
you don't have questions?

Well, I'm just asking whether
there are other questions.

Yeah, they've got
other questions.

What would they be?
Any examples?

Um, who your
favorite players are-

And who are your
favorite players?

Barry Blaustein.

Mr. Blaustein.

By the way,
my mom has cancer.

You know, it's a point
of pride to me

that nobody ever committed
suicide in the Rabbit's Foot.

No, it doesn't mean that.

No, it's 'cause I'm a giant.

It's 'cause I'm going
up the beanstalk

'cause that's where
giants live.

Yeah, well, I'm married. I'm married
and I have five kids, all right?

From what Fred tells me
about the meetings,

everybody just sits around
and tells their story,

and every story ends
the same way.

They get struck
by lightning.

He's like a savant.
We kind of call him the savant.

He can't do math in life,
only, like, at a poker table.

He can figure out
the odds, like-

Like right now,
what are the odds?

That's the pot,
that's the bet.

What's the odds?

That's correct.

No, no,
that's exactly right.

Well, this is a pretty
important tournament.

Um, who are some
of the other players?

Who are other players
in the tournament?


Every morning,
wake up at 6:28 a. m.

All right? Get up,
run around the bed twice,

I pull the bed away
from the wall.

I mean, it's already
preset away from the wall.

Drink a raw egg,
throw up,

then go back to bed,
sleep till 9.

 12 steps 

 Only 12 steps
out the door 

 I walked to New York,
and I'm from LA 

 I lived on a mountain
once by the bay 

 I bought an old barn
to sleep in the hay 

 But there's no place
that's softer than 

 Livin' today is just
gettin' so bad 

 There's a look on your face,
and it says you've been had 

 Take all my money,
but don't make me mad 

 'Cause there's nobody
meaner than 

 I prayed to Buddha,
to Allah, and Jim 

 I turned to Jesus
and stayed there with Him 

 I fell in deep,
but I learned how to swim 

 Now there's nobody cleaner
and purer than Jim 


Special thanks to SergeiK.