Hamlet 2 Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Hamlet 2 script is here for all you fans of the Steve Coogan movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Hamlet 2 quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Hamlet 2 Script


NARRATOR: To act is to live.

ANNOUNCER: Are you tired?

Lacking energy?

Do you wish you could look
and feel young again? You can!

By unlocking the power
of natural juice

with Jack La Lanne's
Power Juicer.

We juiced with this
other juicer,

and look how
much work it takes,

feeding the small chute.

NARRATOR: To act is to
breathe the poet's breath.



NARRATOR: It is to embody
the dreams of man.

To live as an actor
is to live a dream.

I'm having a herpes
outbreak right now.

But you'd never know it.


Thanks, Herpecol.

NARRATOR: But dreams are
ephemeral, and sometimes impossible.

So we must ask,

where do dreams go to die?

GEORGE: Hey, look,
I'm sorry, okay?

Hey, well, why don't I take you out
to dinner to apologize for my rudeness?

Give me your number.

You want my number?

Which number do
you want, George?

GEORGE: You see, right there.
I like the way you say "George."

For instance, ten. That's how
many months old my baby girl is.

You got a baby girl?

Sexy, huh?

How about six?

That's how old my
other daughter is.

Eight is the age
of my son.

Two is how many times I've
been married and divorced.

Sixteen is the number of
dollars in my bank account.

And I'm guessing
zero is the number

of times you're
gonna call me.


Hey, the reviews are in.

Read them quickly.
It minimizes the pain.

"Are Dana Marschz's
bi-yearly stagings of

"popular Hollywood
films an ironic gesture,

"or is he just
profoundly confused?

"To be fair,

"this year's Erin Brockovich
accomplishes something quite astonishing."

"It manages to make
last year's production

"of Mississippi Burning
look sparkling by comparison."

about the acting?

RAND: "It is perhaps best
not to mention the acting.

"In the theater, actors endeavor
to simulate human emotion.

"Rand Posin and Epiphany
Sellars flap their lips

"and wave their arms like
malfunctioning wind-up toys..."

That's enough!

Every trimester we get
fisted by this guy!

What's "fisted"?


I have so much anger.

I feel like I've been raped.

In the face!

What do I need to
do to please you?

Is that the purpose
of your plays?

To please me?

I put a lot of myself
into my work.

Would it kill you to say something
nice about it once in a while?

Have you ever
considered doing a play

that wasn't originally
a popular movie?

No. Why?

Do you think I should be
writing more of my own material?

That wasn't what I had in
mind, but, sure, why not?

You know, there's so much I
want to say through my work

that sometimes
it overwhelms me.

I gotta go clean
the hamster cages.

Are you going
to be all right?

Yes, I'm great.


Yeah, you take care.

Thanks for the truth
sandwich, my little brother.

Morning, Gary.

Morning, Dana.

Top of the
morning to you.

It's a really kickass sunny
day outside today, man.

Great observation
there, Gary.

We live in Tucson.

Can I talk to you,
please, privately?

Sure, squishy.

Excuse us.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry, I'm a little
groggy. I was up late.

I'm working on
an original play.

It's about my childhood.

Anyway, I know we're broke
and that we needed a roommate,

but I swear to God,
I can't live like this anymore.

I'm gonna go back to
dealing pot, I swear...

No, no, I will not
have you pushing drugs.

I was a dealer,
not a pusher.

It's just until I,
you know, get an agent

and start doing
commercials again.

Also known as never.

You keep me honest,
I adore you for that.


It's not so bad.
I mean, Gary has a car.

That's helped out
a lot around here.

Gary has a car.

Maybe I can get him
to run me over with it.

Oh, you.

What did I do so right
to get you in my life?

Hey, Max.


Okay, I...
Okay, I get it.

Hey, gang,
what's up?

Mr. Marschz, have you
seen our new class yet?

No. Why?

Let's just say,
it's new and different.

Well, Rand, "new" and "different"
are two of my favorite words.



In my prayer circle,
I've been praying

for more racial

but I still get anxious
around ethnics.

DANA: Okay, please
turn down the music.

Not off, just down.

Okay, we've got
ourselves a full house!


Normally, I only have
the two students.

Let's go around and find out
why drama is suddenly so popular.


Yolanda doesn't talk.

But you know the only reason
that we're here, right,

is because there's asbestos
in the portable classrooms,

and because we live
on the poor side of town

and there isn't
any money,

they just decided to cancel
everything that we care about.

You know, like
computers and ceramics

and shop and arts and crafts, and
drama was the only elective left.

Did anyone pick drama
as a first choice?

That's fine.

Better never than late.

Okay, as a point of departure,
has anyone seen the movie

Dead Poets Society,
starring... What's your name?

DANA: the always-superb Robin Williams?
I'm Octavio.

Well, it's very good.
I was, for one week,

Mr. Williams' stand-in on
the fantastic motion picture

Patch Adams,

when I lived in Hollywood.
Hey, come on.

Hey, I'm just trying
to be friendly.

He once gave me
a ride to my bus stop.

I couldn't be happier
for all his success.

Nice guys do finish first.


So what's...
Hey, what's your name?



Heywood Jablomey.


Perhaps some
of you have seen

the movie
Mr. Holland's Opus?

Starring, I know...

Starring Richard Dreyfuss as a
music teacher with a deaf son.

He can't hear his music.
Imagine that?

Very sad.

Also stars Glenne Headley.

Wildly underrated.

Check these out.
They're all



...teacher movies.

DANA: What could I do

to inspire...

Hey, you fucking


Just kidding. Hope
I'm not freaking you out.

Wait, I hope I am
freaking you out!

Is this guy for real?

Okay, let's start
with an exercise.

Rand, get up here.

Okay, Rand.
Be an animal.

Hey, check this out.

Yeah, this is one of the most basic
skills a drama student can acquire.

That's beautiful, Rand.

Feline good.

Anyone tell what
kind of animal Rand is?

He's a pussy.


Okay. So, Heywood.


What kind of creature
would you be?

I could be
a flaming ass crack.

Oh, wait, you're
already doing that.


You know, I'd like
to see your Bottom.

Like to see my what?

I'd like to see your Bottom.

I mean, your
portrayal of Bottom

in A Midsummer Night's Dream.
A Midsummer Night's Dream.

It's written by a buddy of mine,
you may have heard of him,

William Shakespeare.

Yeah, he liked
to goof around,

but most of the time
he was serious.

Because he, like I, believed
that theater has the power,

not only to
transform the actor,

but also the audience.

Do you believe that?

Sounds kind of

But I believe that.

I believe that with
every fiber of my being.

If I kick this trash can...

Oh, my God! Yolanda!

Oh, my God!

Okay, she's still conscious
and she's not bleeding.

Man, you need
to be careful.

You know what I'm saying?

Hey, I've learned a lesson here,
but I hope you all have, too.

About the vitality
of shared experience.

We will all remember this
moment for the rest of our lives.

It was dramatic.
It was visual.

It was stupid.

(GROANING) It was stupid,
but it was also theater.

Okay, I'd like to borrow your cell.
Call 911.



It's free.
Wake up.




We started
without you.


I had to spend some
time with the lawyers

for the school district
and paramedics.

Now, it's all going
to work out.

There's no brain damage.

No charges will be pressed.

I think I need a quesadilla.

Nothing you are saying
makes any sense to me.

Turns out my class is fourteen
times as crowded as it normally is.

I've got a real
tough nut to crack.

A Mexican boy,
lives by his wits.

I'm going to
inspire this year.

I mean, make
a real difference.

I feel, for the first time,
I can make a genuine difference.

Oh, God! I am
getting hammered!


Careful, Brie.
You know how you get.

No, Dana.
How do I get?

Please, tell me
how I get.

BRIE: Hmm?


No, I see. I got you.
I totally got you.

Okay, she got me.

You guys laugh so much.

Another gem of
an insight from Gary.

Our boarder, Gary.

Hey, don't forget.
We have an A-P-P-O-l-N-T-M-E-N-T

at the sperm
doctor on Wednesday.

I don't like airing
our personal business

in front of
you-know-who, Gary,

but if you're shooting
blanks, I swear to God,

I'm going to stab you
to death in your sleep.

But, seriously, you gotta
let your balls breathe, okay?

It's in that
pamphlet I read.

It's... And the corduroy has got
to go, especially with the skating.

It's like...

We live in Tucson,
for fuck's sake.

You're broiling
our little tadpoles

in that crotch
of yours. What?

Can I get a virgin
strawberry, please?

Seven years sober.


I seriously, seriously wish
you would start drinking again.

Brie, I would
never judge you.

Good, because if I had
to give up booze,

I'd blow my brains out
living in this shit-sack city.

Anyway, to Dana.

My husband.
What the fuck was I thinking?

I'm just kidding.

I don't have a drink.

OCTAVIO: Did you do something
different with your hair today?

Look, I have a life plan,
and it does not include you.


Well, if you don't
spend no time with me,

how are you supposed to
get to know me, sunshine?

IVONNE: That's
the whole point.

I don't want to
spend time with you.

So pretty!

It's from Ethiopia.

I re-watched a fantastic
movie last night,

Dangerous Minds,

starring the gorgeous
Michelle Pfeiffer.

It gave me a little insight into
your character, Mr. Tough Guy.

Okay, stand up.


We're going to karate.

No, man.
I don't think so.

Come on.


Nice freeball.

Now, punch me.

I'm not punching
a guy in a dress.

It's a kaftan, my friend.

Keeps my balls at room temp.
Now, do it.

Don't make me do this.

Do it.

Do it!


You all right?

Mr. M?
Oh, my God!

I can't believe
this is happening to me.

Mr. M, are you okay?


I wasn't ready.

Mr. Marx, could
I have a minute?

Sure! Sure, sure.

What's the matter
with you?

Trying to inspire
a troubled student.

Look, I thought you should
know as soon as possible.

Last night, the school board, which
is facing major financial cuts,

decided to cancel drama.

Cancel how?

Completely. Forever.

You can stay till the end of
the term and after that, get out.

You can't have a school
without a drama department.

Sure, you can.

This is obviously
a practical joke.

Look, the county and the school
district are in fiscal crisis.

All the arts programs are
on the chopping block.

And let's face it, we're not
producing any Oscar-winners here.



That would be Tony-winners.

It's the award for theater.

Listen up, guy.
I've seen your plays.

This is no great loss.

Well, you're a dirty,
violent beaner!

You shouldn't have
hit him like that!

Shut up, you cow.
It wasn't my fault.

He made me hit him.

That, to you...

You are racist, okay?

And a terrible person!
Oh, really?


Shut up! Shut up!
Shut up! Shut up!

Shut up! Shut up!
Shut up! Shut up!

Mr. Marschz?
Are you okay?

No, Rand!
I'm not okay!

Can you tell me how

a little boy

from a dairy farm
in Manitoba,

who dreams of acting
but can't do it very well,

and could never get
a decent agent,

so he moves on,
decides to teach,

to pass on his love
of the craft...

Can you tell me how
he deals with all the

God-awful crap that's
handed out to him without

wrapping his lips
around a.
and just blowing
his brains out?

Don't do it!


Is he acting?

No, he's not that good.

Mr. Marschz!

NARRATOR: Dana Marschz's
wavering consciousness

led him to believe that
he was leaving this Earth

and all its trials.

But the fates had
long ago deigned

that his life's work
was only just begun.

Where the fark
have you been?

Staring into the
abyss of nothingness.

Drama has
been cancelled.

Finally! Now you can go
back to your job at Rite Aid

and start making
some real money.

Oh, Dana, I found a great
parking spot right out front

and there was still
time on the meter.


They should just ship
you on over to the Gulf,

you know,
let you talk to people.

All the terrorists would
just kill themselves.

Well, I, for one, am very
appreciative that Gary drove you here.

Why did you
bring that thing?

I don't know. I thought maybe I
could work through my grief in song.


Maybe it's better
that I just...

I can't get pregnant.

I think we shouldn't
pass on this gene pool.

This is for you, baby.

Am I shooting blanks?

Are my testicles
an empty tank?

Is it all a ruse
when I go kergluge?


I want to

Splash you with my
hot-buttered love spackle

So put your lips around
this wedding tackle

It's nuclear war!

Meyerschz? Yeah, I need a
copy of your insurance card.

Can you get the... Thanks.

I'm sorry about
my husband.

He's not right
in the head.

It's okay.
BRIE: It's Marschz, by the way.








I don't care.

Excuse me,
I'm sorry to be so forward,

but you look a lot like my favorite
actress of all time, Elisabeth Shue.

Yeah. I am her.

But you really
look like her.

Well, that's
because I am her.

Oh, my God!
I knew it in my heart-soul.

(MUFFLED) Oh, my God!
I'm freaking out!

I'm freaking out.

You, you were wonderful
in Leaving Las Vegas...

Oh, thank you.

...and so fabulously funny in
Adventures in Babysitting,

not forgetting Cocktail
with Tom Cruise.

What is he like?
He seems totally great.

What are you
doing in Tucson?

Oh, my God!
I'm freaking out!

I'm actually
a nurse now.

I just, you know, got kind of
sick of the business, you know?

Sick of all
the horrible people,

and it's all about being
a fucking celebrity now.

Anyway, there's a real
shortage of nurses out there,

and I like
taking care of people.

Oh, my God!
I didn't hear anything you just said

because I'm too excited.

Would you come and speak
with my drama class?

They would just
lose their minds.

No. They wouldn't even
know who I am, anyway.

They would.

All right. I'll come.

But, I'm gonna talk about all the
insecurity and the self-loathing,

the rejection...


So, what's Nick Cage
really like?

I mean, were you
just paralyzed with awe?

I have to go
back to work.

Elisabeth Shue.

I feel so connected
to you. Yes, I do.

And I thank you for
giving me back my smile.

You're welcome.

Shoo! Shoo, Shue!

Oh, God!

Doctor! Oh, my God!



Okay, gang.

This is the amount
we need to save drama.

6K, a.k.a. $6,000.
How do we get it?

Bake sale.

Not enough dough,
pun intended.

Yo. We could
knock over a 7-Eleven.

Nice thought,

but 7-Elevens are not as
vulnerable as they used to be.

Don't ask me
how I know that.

I saw it on
the Discovery Channel.

I've got a little

Let's hear it.

Toasters. Man, you know,
we just move that skeet.

You know, 10 grands.

(SIGHS) Hell,
we could do that.

Hey, dumbass!

"Toaster" is
street for "gun."

"Toaster" is
street for "gun"?

What a colorful expression!

There he goes!
The little kangaroo rat!

Hey, Noah Sapperstein.

Oh, hi!

Happy? Huh?

Happy you finally
succeeded in taking me down?

No. I think it's
terrible what's happened

to arts education
in this country.

I don't know what to do.

Everything is
out of control.

You want to save drama, but you've
produced nothing worth saving.

You know, it's like...

It's like my father
got reincarnated

into the body of a freaking
little drama critic.

Look, all I'm saying is,

you need to inspire everyone
to come to your rescue.

You know, I was
thinking of working

on a musical version
of The Lake House,

you know the wonderful
Sandra Bullock, Keanu Reeves...

Play with space and time.


There is one other thing.

It's a piece I've
been working on.

I have the first act and reams
of notes in my inspiration box.

It's called Hamlet 2.

A sequel to Hamlet
by Shakespeare?

Yes. Yes. Do you think
it's a bad idea?

Not necessarily, no.

Sometimes an idea could be so bad,
it starts to turn good again.

But... And so, what about
funding for drama next trimester?

Forget about
the money right now.

Put on a play, and make it
the best you've ever done.

Use that as a way of drawing
attention to the funding issue.

What if it sucks?

Isn't that a question every
artist must ask himself?

(GASPS) Yes! I am
an artist, aren't I?

Thank you. You've given me the
kick in the pants I needed, kid.

Okay, well, I need
to go to recess now.

You're very busy.
I understand.

Oh, my God!
Writing is so hard.

What is your
fucking problem, man?






BRIE: Dana? Dana?
Hey, I need some money.

Hey, it's done.

What is? My original work
that's gonna save drama.

The thing I've been working on
for the last 47 billion hours.

Oh, is that what
you were doing?

I thought you were just
having a nervous meltdown.

(SIGHS) You're not
far off, ladypants.

Any creative person
will tell you,

you gotta go a little crazy
to make great fucking art.


Hamlet 2?

The deuce. Correct.

Doesn't everybody die
at the end of the first one?

I have a device.

"The time
machine door opens..."

That's the device.

"...revealing Hamlet,
Gertrude, Polonius,

"and Hillary Clinton having
what appears to be group sex."

It's about my troubled
relationship with my father.

But, you're doing this at
school with the kids, right?

That's the plan, Stan.
What do you think?

I think that your
enthusiasm is remarkable.

I will take that!
I will take it!

Hey, Dana.

Hello, Gary.

Hey! Guess what I've got!

Your head out
of your ass?


Right. Watch out!
This stuff is sharp.

As in cutting edge.
All righty!


IVONNE: Are you okay?


You're telling me that this
guy traveled through time

from Denmark
400 years ago?

And you call me a drunk?

It's true, Papa.
I done saw it.

Come here, boy.

Take it easy on him,
Ray. He's sensitive.

RAY: Come closer.

Lay a hand on him, and I
will make you regret it.

You trying to take me on,
you time-travel freak?

Getting drunk and beating
up on a little boy?

That doesn't make you
a man, you piece of shit!

I got the mind to put
you through that wall.

Then fucking do it, bitch!

Oh, yeah?
Do it, motherfucker, come on.

What? Bring it!

Excuse me! Excuse me,
but they're off-book,

and he's definitely not
using Shakespearean language,

and the violence is getting
a little too real for me,

thank you very much.

Okay, let's stop there.

Heywood, that was
very powerful.

Yeah, that was.

It was gangster.

Wow. Where were you
when I was seven?

Class, thoughts?

I thought Octavio
was amazing.

I felt this
electric charge!

He's so much more powerful
than any other actor I've...

It's stupid to compare.

I'm just so surprised that
one of you people can act.

"One of you people"?
What does that mean?

Man, that's some
racist shit right there.

I heard that, man.

If you don't like
this class, get out.

Or what, bitch?

Don't you call me a bitch!
Hey, simmer down.

I'm so sick and tired
of you, Epiphany.

EPIPHANY: You're hurting me!


Don't do that
to my friend!

IVONNE: That's it, that's it.

Let me give you
a piece of my mind.

No, I'm really different.

You've got to do
something, Dana.

RAND: Time out! Time out!

You've got to do
something, Dana.

You want nachos or pizza?


I have access to
the activities van.

We can go to the
Fun Zone in the mall.

I'll get everyone a snack.

You want nachos or pizza?

I could go for
some nachos.


I'm not doing carbs, but maybe
they have a salad or something.

Anything is
better than this.

All right,
we're back on track!

And we cannot be stopped!



I just don't even care.

Hey, Mr. Marschz.

Hey, are you mad at me?

No, no.

I don't know.

You've barely
spoken to me all day.

Is it because of my resistance
to these gang-bangers?

Hey, hey, just because
they're Latinos

doesn't make them
gang-bangers. Got it?

Yeah, I'm sorry.
I just love class so much.

I just don't want
anything to change.

Rand, you're teacher's pet.

What more do you want?

Come on, let's go
hang with the gang.

You mean Latinos.

Hey, you little thing. Come on.

Hey, guys,
I'm Groucho Marx.

I say funny stuff.

Mr. Marschz,
these guys are drunk.

Come on, guys.
I said no drinking.

Why don't you have
one with us, ese?

Maybe you'd stop
being such a pinche joto.

The truth is, Heywood,
I haven't had a drink in seven years.

I got the chip on my
keychain to prove it,

from an organization
called AA.


Yeah. It's
a slippery slope.

Beer, liquor, dope, coke, meth,
chicks with dicks, then jail.

Hey, what would happen
if you have a drink?


My entire life
would fall apart.

Okay. Who wants to go?

I would love to go home.

No, no, no, no, no.
You can't leave now.

We just coming together
as a class, right?


Heywood, it's late and
my wife is ovulating.

Hey, we got you
another mango iced tea.

Mango iced tea
is my kryptonite.

It's totally.

Powerless to resist.

Okay, a few more
minutes won't hurt.


Yeah, I'd
drink to that.

He's about to go through
the center of the Sun.


Sir, I'm gonna need
you to wake up

and show me some
form of identification.

Time begins
and stops now.

We have a 410 with a 614 in
the 1100 block of Ocotillo.

What do those
numbers mean?

Come on.

Are you sending me
to the gas chamber?

Right this way, sir.

What is happening?


Good morning, class.

Okay, I'd like to start
by saying two things.

First of all, acid
is a very strong drug,

and B, where are my
pants and underwear?

Excuse me, Mr. Marschz.

We need to discuss something
about the latest draft.

The role of Laertes, my part,
you've turned him into a gay.

He's not gay.
He's bi-curious.

And the role has also
been reduced significantly.

Rand, theater is
a living thing.

Octavio's performance
the other day,

combined with my wife's
intense desire to get pregnant,

not to mention the acid,

inspired me to take
some bold steps

in looking at my
relationship with my father.

That meant reducing
Laertes' role.

And the gay thing, I just thought
you'd be more comfortable...

What? What?

This has nothing to do
with my sexuality!


Listen, listen, I've given
my life to this class,

and now it all goes out
the window because of him?

Because he inspired you?

It's what's best
for the play.

Not acceptable! I quit!

Oh, man, you can't quit now.




Let's talk about this.

I hate you, you
stupid, fat fucker!



Am I fat?

I want you to meet
a friend of mine.

He got stuck
inside my time machine.

His name is Jesus Christ.

Oh, yeah. We heard
you were coming back.

Jesus has a rocking
swimmer's bod.

Okay, can I ask
you a question?


What's really going on here?

Is Jesus, like, a swimmer?

Jesus is very lean...

Can we please wait
until lunch to do that?

Thank you.

Where was I?
Jesus has a swimmer's body.

Jesus has a swimmer's body,

and while he's one of the more
spiritual people on Earth,

he's also very
attractive to you.

He's attractive to me?

Jesus is sexy to you. Which leads
us on to the musical interlude,

Rock Me, Sexy Jesus.


Okay, you are
40-something minutes late.

I can't do the play.


My dad's making me
quit the play.

That's impossible.
You're the lead.

He said, "No way."

Goddamn macho bastards
and their fear of the arts.

They just don't get it!

Okay, we're
fighting this.

Even if we have to take
on the whole ghetto.

No, wait.
What do you mean?

We're going to your house.

No, no, no,
we can't do that.

It's not a good idea.

My father tried to stand in
the way of my dreams, too.

He's dead now,

but you could say, like Hamlet's
ghost, I'm still haunted by him.

Because he caused me
so much pain,

which is why I tried
to become an actor,

which caused me
so much pain.

You can't let your
ethnic narrow-mindedness

stop your son from
thriving in our culture.

I have to take exception
to that characterization.

Heywood's a bad boy.

He's a gang-banger.
A deadbeat.

But he also has a gift.

Who is Heywood?

Your son,
Heywood Jablomey.


I just got that.

Octavio doesn't
belong to a gang.

He's got a 3.9 and an
early acceptance to Brown.

He does?

Yes, our concerns about the
play are of a different nature.

If it's the sex and violence,
I can totally tone that down.

No, we are fine with those.

Then what is it?

We merely expressed our
absolute distaste for a sequel

to what is arguably the greatest
play in the English language.

Not to mention the quality of
the writing, which is quite low.


Well, no offense, but what
the hockey-puck do you know?

Well, I've published
nine novels.

I have a PhD in literature.

My wife is a painter.

She currently has an exhibit
at the Guggenheim in Bilbao.

Oh, okay.


Help me fix my play!

I'm trying to save drama!

You have Hamlet
using a time machine

to stop Gertrude from
drinking the poison,

to stop Ophelia
from drowning.

You're taking the tragedy
out of the tragedy.

I just wondered why in Hamlet 1
everybody has to die.

It's such a downer! I mean, if Hamlet
had had just a little bit of therapy,

he could have turned
everything around.

Everybody deserves
a second chance!

Yes, well, we'll let Octavio
make up his own mind.

Thank you for
taking the time.

Let me show you
the way out.

Could we talk more?

I would love to
get your notes.

I would do anything...
I'd do chores.

I'd clean your
rain gutters.

I'm afraid we don't
have rain gutters.

You're a liar, everybody
has rain gutters!

Mr. Rocker?

Yes, what is it, Rand?


Hamlet 2?

It's the play
Mr. Marschz wrote.

What about it?

I think you need
to take a look at it.


Let's just say that
when you get to the scene

where Gertrude
gives Hamlet a hand job,

you'll sense my drift.

Did you just
say "hand job"?

Yes, I did.

He thinks he's going to
save drama with this play.

Mr. Rocker, if you care about
decency and if you love this country,

you will stop Dana Marschz.
Take him down.

Then take him from behind!


PLAYERS: Go Mustangs!


I'm here for her.
I'm here for her.

Apologies, the Snackatorium is no
longer available, regrettably, because

the ladies who make macaroni and
cheese are getting very territorial.

So without further ado, I'd like
to introduce you to Elisabeth Shue.

Elisabeth Shue,
get up here.

All right.


Thank you.

Thank you so
much for having me.

God, I really have a tough time
speaking in front of people.

I get a little nervous.

I'm way more
nervous than you.

I'm like... My brain
is like mush.

Elisabeth Shue, is she real?

Somebody pinch my ass.

It's inappropriate.
I'm sorry. It's just...

Should we just
take questions?

That'd be great.

Okay, class, questions
for Ms. Shue.

Someone other than Epiphany.

Okay, not all at once.

You guys, come on, I asked
you to prepare a few questions.

You know, I'm
a reasonable guy.

I don't lose it when I...

Jesus Christ!

Can we not share
this space in peace?


Hi. I just want to say I
think your make-up is pretty.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

It is nice.

What about Mr.
Alpha Male up there?

Got a question
for Ms. Shue?


Who are you?
Oh, come on!

Could you not
even Google her?

The Karate Kid, the crane.
"Wax on, wax off."

Soapdish. Dreamer,
with the fucking horse.

Any of that shit
ring a bell?

Sorry. Pardon my French.

I've heard
the word "shit" before.

In Hollywood, you pretty
much have to swim in it.

That is funny, that's...


Excuse me for a second.

What do you miss
about acting?

You know what I really
miss about acting?

I miss kissing.
In love scenes.

I had so much fun making out
with all those cute actors.

I would love to
stay and hear this.

SHUE: Yeah, I think if I had
one complaint about nursing,

it would be that you don't get
to make out with your patients.

It's fricking exciting having
Elisabeth Shue in class.

Because of its
unwholesome content,

the school cannot allow the
exhibition of Hamlet 2.

Where did you get that?

Entirely beside the point.

Did Rand give it to you?

Nudity and pornography are not
permitted on the school premises.

There's no nudity
or pornography!


You have Satan

the President of the
United States of America!

It's a parting embrace before
the moment of damnation.

The climax of
a modernist dance.

I think when all
is said and done,

you will find it
quite moving.

Trust me, I won't.

We're 10 days away.
Things are in motion.

Art is happening.

Well, stop it.

You can't stop art.

You're shut down, Marx!

No, you are.
You are.

You never believed in me, Daddy!
I hate you!

We're putting this play on, and if
you don't like it, then tough titties,

you ass-turd


Oh, my God!



Let me see.

Oh, Shue.

How do you keep your head held
high when people keep throwing

steaming piles of
crap in your face?

I know, I know.

That's why I got
out of the business.

Well, fuck you, too.

I have to elevate it.

It's not broken and,
yes, I will still be able

to play any and all
musical instruments.


I have to tell
you something.

I'm pregnant.


Are you shitting me?

No, no.

Christ in a basket, Dana.
That's too tight.

And it will
always be too tight.

I will never not hug
this unborn baby!


It's like he's
giving me hope.



NARRATOR: At this point,
it felt to Dana

as if the air was
perfumed with possibility.

But just as Icarus flew
high on wings of wax,

oblivious to his
impending doom,

so was poor,
dear Dana Marschz.

Well, I'm lost.

Is blue the right color

for a controversial piece of
socio-political agit-prop theater?

I think blue
makes people sad.

Yes, it does.

There's also orange.


The color of fire.

Of ripe tangerines,
of the poet's harvest moon!

Glenn, we've done it!

Stop staring at me.

Okay, all right. Okay.

It's ridiculous.
But I love it.

Okay, guys, I am
pretty effing excited

to announce that the musical
accompaniment to our play

will be provided by the
Gay Men's Chorus of Tucson!

(ALL SINGING) Just a steel-town
girl on a Saturday night

Looking for
the fight of her life

In the real-time world
no one sees her at all

They all say she's crazy

Locking rhythms to
the beat of her heart

Changing movement into light

She has danced
into the danger zone

When the dancer
becomes the dance

It can cut you like a knife

Hey, guys, thanks a lot for
donating your wire-work services.

It really helped out a lot.

When did you
guys get started?

We seen them Kill Bill
movies, like, 20 times,

and we said,
"Shit, we got some wire,

"we got some harnesses."

So we get to work
in the backyard,

and next thing you know,
we're in show business.

So this is your
first attempt?

Yes, sir.

Now hold on, girl.

Three, two, one.


That's cool.

Okay. So this is the Danish
castle/porno theater/time machine.

It's fantastic.

I don't know what it means, but I
think it's the best set I've ever seen.


Who said shop class
was useless?

I don't know.

Wait, somebody said that?

It's a figure of speech.

Hey, M.

Hey, my buddy's
meth lab burned down.

I'm sorry to hear that.

No, it's going to be some pretty
cherry footage for the play.

Well, excellent.
Hey, girls.

Hey, Mr. Marschz.

I was thinking, what
if me and my whoadies

rolled up in low-riders
on stage in the third act?

That sounds
kind of dangerous.

Yeah, maybe so.

Which is why
I want to do it.

We are not making
safe theater.

I'm in the
wrong place.

Jesus Jones! Rocker's
changed the locks.

That is the first shot across
the bow, boys and girls.

Just like that wonderful film
Master and Commander,

starring the terrifyingly real
Aussie badboy, Russell Crowe.

Five more seconds.

Okay, Chuy, breaking and entering
is neither cool nor terrific.

(SIGHS) But we
got shit to do.

Hey, you get off school
property in the next 10 seconds

or I'm gonna have the
Tucson police department

so far up your ass you're
gonna wish you were a girl.

"What about Hamlet could possibly offend

"Principal Rocker
to such a degree?

"Or is offense
the offense at all?

"Truth is
a nebulous commodity.

"As Roland Barthes tells us,
'Multiple perspectives cannot ever coalesce.'"

Does anybody know
what this means?

Did you see this
article in the paper?

We're already
reading it, woman.

Not the school paper.
The News Press.

I stole it from Starbucks.

You really think you're
street, don't you?

Don't fuck with me,
homey! I'll cut you.

I liked you better when you
were an uptight racist bitch.

Oh, my God.

"Why is the school board
afraid of this man?"

That's a picture of me.

I was an extra in
an Al Jazeera TV movie.

I regret it now, but
what a fun bunch of guys.

Dana Marsha?

Marschz. Yes?

Consider yourself served.

Thank you.

What a nice man.
A smile costs nothing.

Oh, shit, this is a cease and
desist order from the school board.

What does that mean?

That means you can be arrested
for putting on this play.

Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, mister, un-serve me!

All right,
mystery man.

Why have you
brought us here?


Yeah, why?

This is Joy Junction.

You know, that
positive ionic flow.

Jean-Paul, the crew, Burning Man,
the lunar cycle, yeah.


Yeah, yo.

Yeah, yo.

Okay, you started
to say something

and didn't finish
your sentence.

You didn't?
No, no, you.

No, I know you.

No, N-O, "no."

No, no, more yes.
You know, less no.

Okay, I'm a little
cuckoo-bananas here.

Look, they throw
parties here.

The promoters are
at Burning Man.

We can use the space.


He does lighting and stuff like that.
See Vitamin J,

he acts like
a huge dumbass,

but he really knows
what he's doing.

Let there be light.

Ah! My eyes!


Mr. Marashka?

Who? It's Marschz. Yes.

Cricket Feldstein, American
Civil Liberties Union.

We spoke on the phone.


Oh, I thought you were a
talent agent, like UTA or CAA.

But totally
not disappointed.

If you're wondering about the
Feldstein, I married a Jew.

It's my understanding
that there are forces

trying to stop you
from performing Hamlet 2.

You received
a cease and desist order

in regards to
this performance?


I think we have a First Amendment
case on our hands, Mr. Marashka.

It's Marschz.
You really think so?


No one is shutting
down this play.

The Justice Department and
the so-called Supreme Court

can suck my balls.

What do they have to do with this?
My balls?

No, the other thing.

I'm a short blond chick,
but I play to the death.

I pick cases that I can win
because I wanna win big.

Cases with controversy
and headlines

and steaming piles of shit
flying left and right.

Mostly left.
How's that sound?


Are you on my side?

Great, let's do it!
Okay then.

Do I need to sign anything?

No, don't sign anything!

I think the play's
gonna be really good.

It's irrelevant.


(GRUNTING) Goddamn gravel!
The bane of my existence!



Oh, my God!

Shut down that
piece of shit play.

but not broken.

Turns out my play has
divided the community,

but I shall not
be deterred.


Hang on, I'm going to
run myself a big bath.

Dana. I have had, hands down,

the worst day ever.

Hey, there's no delicate
way of saying this except...

Except Gary and I are together,
and we're a couple,

and we're moving out now.

Yeah, I'm gonna run myself a big Arthur-
style bath with bubbles.

I'm sorry.

And I'm gonna put
on my top hat,

and wish all my troubles
into a cornfield.

That's what I'm gonna do.

Didn't you hear
what I just said?

Yes, I did, funny bunny.


We're packed,
we're leaving.

We're moving
to San Diego.

God, I almost
believe you.

Believe it!

But why? You're my wife.

Your wife is leaving you.

Gary and I have been getting
closer for a while now,

and turns out we are
very compatible.

As long as he keeps
his mouth shut. Anyway.

Look, you've been so busy with
your play, and these things happen.

So, don't sweat it. It's...

You'll be much
happier without me.

What about the baby?

The doctor told me
a while ago

that you've been
shooting blanks.

I should have
said something.

That must mean...




Brie, I'm starting to think
you are not a very nice person.

Just wake up, okay?

Left you a protein
shake in the fridge.

BRIE: Gary, let's go.

It's strawberry.

Electric and phone bills
are right there,

and the rent's due
on Thursday.

Good luck with the play.

You really will be
better off without me.

Come on.

(SINGING) She's a maniac

Maniac on the floor

And she's dancing like
she's never danced before




Oh, boy.



Hey, what's cheap
and strong?

Grain alcohol.

I feel like
I'm in a cage.

And I feel like Nicolas Cage in
Leaving Las Vegas.

Starring my good friend,
Elisabeth Shue.



I'm sorry.
Sorry about that.

Can I use
your bathroom?


Hey, we got the TVs.

There's a hundred sets
in there, woman!

Where did you get them all?

Stole them from
white folks, dawg.

I have to say
something, guys.

I really think
Mr. Marschz is bipolar.

Just like my cousin.

But she takes pills.

He's not bipolar.
He's a freak.

Do you think he realizes that
every time he wears a dress

he's flashing
his balls at us?

You know, where
is he anyway?

He was supposed to be
here two hours ago.

Maybe he's out
shopping for a dress.

He should buy
some underwear.


Who do you think you are
talking like that, white girl?


I heard everything.
I heard everything!

I haven't bought an item
of clothing in over 10 years

because I don't get
paid for this job.

Did you know that?

I work for gas money,
which is why I skate.

That and the DUI.

My life is a parody
of a tragedy!

My wife left me.
Baby wasn't mine.

People are trying
to run me over.

What are we
supposed to do?

It doesn't matter.

We're not gonna
get this play on.

We might as well
give up now!


He works for gas money?

That is so sad.

Mr. M!


What happened?

Get away from me,
you devil bitches.

Leave me to the vultures.



You come in here and tell
us all to be artistic,

and put on your
crazy-ass play,

and when things get a little
rough, you act like a fucking pussy?


Yolanda, you don't say much, but
when you do, it sure packs a wallop.

She's right!

Okay, you've had a pretty
bad day, I'll give you that.

But that doesn't
mean you give up.

Why not?

Nobody cares.

Yeah, we do.

I don't want your pity.

Man, you keep talking about
making us extraordinary.

That's from Dead Poets.

Well, you're teaching us
something really important.

I am? What is it?

It doesn't matter how
much talent we lack,

as long as we
have enthusiasm.

That's truth.
Because I lack talent.

The football team,
the wrestling team

and all the seniors
are gonna be like security

and kick the asses of anyone
who tries to stop this play.

Yeah. And I got some friends
to watch the parking lot

just in case we have any
trouble, you know what I'm saying?

And we're also sold out.


Mr. M, you're
not getting it.

Like, all the tickets
were bought.

Channel 5 is coming.

And I got a call from one
of Elton John's people,

about permission.

And there was a message from this
guy at the New York Times.


we don't wanna give up.

I just get scared.

Every time I try
to go for something,

my heart gets stomped
on like a baby kitten.

That's no reason
to give up.

Maybe it is.
No, it's not.

OCTAVIO: Help him up.

Let's go to work.

Okay, hey, guys,
my skate is stuck.

I'm such a dick.

Wait, what are you
doing? Let go of me.

I'm not interested in this monkey-spunk play.
Come on!

Ticket holders only.

This event
is sold out.

If you don't have a ticket,
get the fuck out of my face.

I am revoking permission
for my son to appear tonight.

I am, too.

And so am I.

But why now?

I heard the play
was disgusting.

How can you say that
if you haven't seen it?

What about this
Sexy Jesus song?

I mean, that's
just disrespectful.

Look, it's about if Jesus
came to Earth in modern times,

he would have to market
himself like a celebrity.

It's very thoughtful.

That's an
oversimplification, but...

I don't care to see my son
used as a political pawn!

I'm doing this play
for my own reasons.

You know, according to the
Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals,

if you sign a consent form,
that means you're giving consent.

And you can't
take that form back,

you can't take
your signature off it.

You signed it,
you signed consent.

So end of deal, okay.
End of story.

Sorry, you guys, but
you totally gave consent.

You don't
control our kids!

Wake up call!
You don't control your kids!

Now get out of my
performance space,

before I have security,
a.k.a. the 2nd Avenue Angels,

remove your sorry asses.

How did you get
the balls to do that?

I'm still
a little drunk.


What if I have to
go to the bathroom?

Okay, I'll just piss on
your pretty little gym shoes.

Welcome to West Mesa High
Drama's final performance.

If you are moved
by tonight's work,

please go forward and
support arts education...

Eat shit and die,
you tramp.

Let go of me!
Hey, hands off!

And please take this opportunity
to turn off all cell phones.

It's the celestial message.

The portal to infinity
is wide open.


Yeah! Fuck yeah!



Look. I studied
French at Vassar.

I'm not getting
any of this.

Well, can you
give us an update?

Free speech is alive
and well in Tucson,

so go and tell the mundo.

I think it's
going terrific.

Are people
still walking out?

Mr. Marschz,

this is the most important theatrical
event in the history of Tucson.

I have to be
a part of it.

Rand, that is a very brave
and generous thing to...

Piff took the fries.

I've been going to a
shrink five days a week

and I started on

and I'm much more
comfortable with my sexuality.

I'd be happy to play
Laertes as bi-curious.

That's wonderful!

And I forgive you.


Okay. Stop it.
Go get changed.


(SINGING) Sometimes I feel
like I'm drifting in space

I think my heart-soul
is falling from grace

Therapy's taken me
to a better place

So why do I feel,
why do I feel

Why do I feel like
I've been raped in the face?


Raped in the face?

Maybe it's buried emotions

Or maybe the wrong medication

I simply go
through the motions

They say I need a vacation

I really do feel
like a sexual victim

With dark memories
of a rigid dictum

This is disgusting!
Shut up!

This means I love you,
he murmured

This will be
our little secret

You'll wind up
horribly murdered

If you should
dare not to keep it

I know the topic
of rape isn't nice

Don't bring it up
when you're breaking the ice

Is that why you are
so quick to decline

To hear this oral
fixation of mine?

My head spins like a wheel
As I make this appeal

If I'm lost then I'll squeal
It's a pretty raw deal

When they force you to kneel
Holy fuck, it's so real

When you're being

Raped in the face





(SINGING) He's totally the man
The man with the plan

He traveled through time
in an awesome custom van

he taught us to be good

How to set our souls free
And do all the shit we should

Now we do the right deeds
We go to church and such

And we stopped smoking weed
Well, at least not as much

And we can't forget to
mention The golden rule

Do unto others as
you would have them

Slam, bam, spank you, ma'am

Do unto you!


GIRLS: Oh, my God,
it's Jesus!

Oh, my God,
it's Jesus!

You're so hot!
My God, I love you!

I wanna party
with you, Jesus.


(SINGING) Rock me,
rock me, rock me, sexy Jesus

You died for our sins
You got to believe us

Rock me, rock me,
rock me, sexy Jesus

All night long

I'm simultaneously
horrified and fascinated.

We're really amazed
You got to believe us

Rock me, rock me,
rock me, sexy Jesus

WOMAN: Blasphemy! Blasphemy!

All night long

He lays down science,
really blows my mind

But he's also got abs
that transcend space and time

He's the son of God,
and I think that's cool

But he's got a swimmer's bod
like nobody do

Go back to your seat.

Rock me, rock me,
rock me, sexy Jesus

He died for our sins
You've got to believe us

Rock me, rock me,
rock me, sexy Jesus

All night long

Immaculate conception
really makes my day

But the dude's got lats
that make me feel gay

"Turn the other cheek"
is really showing class

But I really think it's sexy
when he kicks Satan's ass

Kicks Satan's ass!

Kicks Satan's ass!

Rock me, rock me,
rock me, sexy Jesus

That's the crane.

He died for our sins
You got to believe us

Rock me, rock me,
rock me, sexy Jesus

Wait, I totally get it.

Jesus kicks
the devil's ass.

But it's still

You got to believe us

Rock me, rock me,
rock me, sexy Jesus

All night long

Surf's up, dudes.

Hey, mister.

Oh, my God,
it's Jesus!


Oh, my God! Jesus!

He's walking on water!

Jesus H. Christ!

Rock me, rock me,
rock me, sexy Jesus

We're really amazed
You got to believe us

His moralistic ways
Totally ease us

His zen zing zang
is gonna appease us

Rock me, rock me,
rock me, sexy Jesus

His holiest of ways
Ain't never gonna leave us

Rock me, rock me,
rock me, sexy Jesus

All night long

Rock me, rock me,
rock me, sexy Jesus

All night long

Rock me, sexy

All night long

Rock me, sexy

Yeah, yeah, yeah

All night long


But it's supposed to
be intermission now.

We can't have

The fire department is trying
to evacuate the building.

Everyone, keep going!


(SINGING) When I think
of those East End lights

Muggy nights

The curtains drawn in the
little room downstairs

Jesus, come on.


Prima Donna lord you really
should have been there

You ready?

Where are we going?

33 AD.

Got it!

Hold on!

And it's one more beer
and I don't hear you anymore

We've all gone crazy lately

My friends out there rolling
round the basement floor

You know, Hamlet,
you must forgive your father

the abuse you suffered.

You know, sometimes even I feel
like my father's forsaken me.


Good luck.

Thanks, Jesus.

You got my cell number?


My dad finds out what I've been
up to, he's gonna crucify me.

Altar-bound, hypnotized

Sweet freedom
whispered in my ear

You're a butterfly

And butterflies
are free to fly

Oh, Laertes,
therein lies the rub.

If we use my time machine, then we
could save thy sister, thy father,

my dear mother,
Queen Gertrude.

Not to mention the King.

Your madness must
not unwatched go.



That is excellent


I never realized the passing
hours of evening showers

A slip noose hanging
in my darkest dreams

I'm strangled by your
haunted social scene

It was poison!

Just a pawn out-played
by a dominating queen

It's 4:00 in the morning

Damn it, listen to me good


Watch it.

You watch it,
Nacho Bell Grande!

Why are you trying to fuck
with me all the time, bitch?

I'll show you why, vato.

Someone saved my life tonight

Sugar bear

Sugar bear

You almost had
your hooks in me

(PANTING) That's my cue!

Didn't you, dear?

You nearly had me
roped and tied

Altar-bound, hypnotized

Sweet freedom
whispered in my ear

You're a butterfly

And butterflies
are free to fly

Fly away

Fly away, bye-bye


You have no documentation, no ID,
your badge isn't visible,

and you accidentally
grazed my boob

when you tried
to walk past me.

I could put you away for
a year, you fire-fucker.

You wanna hit me?
Hit me!

I would love it
if you hit me.

'Cause I'm married to a Jew,
I got nothing to lose.

Someone saved, someone saved
Someone saved my life tonight

Someone saved my life tonight

Someone saved, someone saved
Someone saved my life tonight

Someone saved my life tonight

Someone saved, someone saved
Someone saved my life tonight

Someone saved my life tonight

Ophelia, will
you marry me?



Someone saved, someone saved
Someone saved my life tonight

Someone saved my life tonight

Someone saved, someone saved
Someone saved my life tonight

Someone saved my life tonight

Someone saved, someone saved
Someone saved my life tonight

I'm sorry, son.

I forgive you, Father!

I was molested as a child.

Maybe that's
why I'm so angry.


I forgive you.
Father, I forgive you.

I forgive you.
I forgive you.


I forgive you.



What's going on?

Wow, there's
a great energy in here.


I'm suing everybody!

This isn't over.

I want you out
of this community.

This play's offensive!

Well, I'm sorry!

No, no, no,
don't do that!

That's offensive, too!

Jack Wiggum, please.

Jack, it's Elisabeth.
I'm ready to act again.

Shue. It's Elisabeth Shue.

Mr. Marschza?
It's Marschz.

My name is Ron Kantor.

I'm with the
New York Times.

I was quite taken
with your play.

Oh, thank you.

I was very moved when
Hamlet forgave his father.


What about when
I forgave my father?

A penny for
your thoughts.

I was just thinking about all those
voices saying, "You can't do it,"

and, "You're a loser."

Well, that's psychosis.

You know,
I had a feeling...

No, I mean actual voices,
like my ex-wife, the school,

pretty much everyone.

Well, everyone
and their brother

wants a piece of
your genius ass now.

Is it true that Jeremy effing
Irons wanted to do your play

and you turned him down?

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) "Oh, Dana, for
fuck's sake, please let me do your play."

It takes a real set
of low-hangers, mister.

He won't even let me be in it,
and I'm his girlfriend.

I wanna preserve
the original cast.

Artistic integrity!

And, yes, he does have
a real set of low-hangers.

Oh, how romantic.

CRICKET: Well, this play
is gonna bitch-slap Broadway

like a cheap hooker
at a gang-bang.

DANA: Yeah.

You know, and those
Bible-humping protesters

can suck a bag of dicks,

'cause all they
ended up doing

was giving you
free publicity.

Yeah, and did you see
my dressing room?

It has a bidet.

That was a sink.

It was?

Hey, it's Mr. M.


Hey, Mr. M.
New York's pretty cool.

Compared to Tucson.

You know, Chuy, you're
gonna have a magical life.

Because no matter
where you go,

it will always be
better than Tucson.

Come on.


Special thanks to SergeiK.