Harold And Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Harold And Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay script is here for all you fans of the John Cho and Kal Penn movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Harold And Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Harold And Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay Script

 I see trees of green 

 Red roses too 

 I see them bloom 

 For me and you 

 And I think to myself 

 What a wonderful world 

 I see skies of blue 

 And clouds of white 

 The bright blessed day 

 The dark sacred night 

 And I think to myself 

 What a wonderful world 


 I think to myself 

 What a wonderful 

Yes, dude!

What the fuck? What the fuck?
What are you doing?

I'm taking the most incredible dump
of all time, man.

You couldn't wait
till I got out of the shower?

May I remind you that
we both just ate 30 burgers...

and four large orders of fries?

Don't worry, in a little bit,
I'm sure it'll hit you too.

It may be. But I'm gonna wait
till you get out of the shower.

Well, don't wait too long. We've got
to leave for the airport in an hour.

Ooh, that burns.

- An hour?
- Hey, and, Roldy?


Nice pubes.

Asshole, get out of here right now.

- Wipe and leave. Wipe and leave now!
- Dude, this thing is huge!

I think it still has cheese on it.

 Ooh wee 

 Ooh wee 

 La, la, la, la, la, la-la 

 When I step into the party
all the ladies wanna know 

 I'm hangin' with the ballers,
yeah, or my nigga Ghost 

 I can tell you what they say, haters,
if you wanna know 

 They say ooh wee 

 When I'm rollin' my Mercedes
all the ladies wanna roll 

 Be my Juliet
and I can be your Romeo 

 If you actin' menace
I can pick another ho 

 Ooh wee, ooh wee 

-  Ooh wee 
-  La, la, la, la, la, la-la 

 In the middle of the summer,
or even 20 below 

 I'm a bad motherfucker
I'm way too fuckin' cold 

 Let me tell you what they say
when I'm pullin' off my drawers 

 They say ooh wee 

-  Ooh wee 
-  La, la, la, la, la, la-la 

 Ooh wee 

 Aiyo, aiyo 

 My game's here to party
just to cut up a rug 

 Don't make me have to cut up a thug 

 Now play something for me, DJ,
'cause there's nothin' but love 

 Hosted by the ladies
who lookin' for somethin' to rub 

 Ooh wee 

Dude. Oh, my Go...
I just realized something.


Maria's gonna think I'm a stalker, man.
I'm following her to Amsterdam.

Dude, relax. I have a med school
interview in ten minutes.

You don't see me freaking out.

Don't worry, man,
she'll be psyched to see you.

Oh, psyched? You think
she's gonna be psyched?

Totes, dude. Why wouldn't she be?

So how does this work?

We just... we show up in Amsterdam
and we start calling hotels...

and ask if they have
a Maria staying there?

- I don't even know her last name.
- Dude, it's totally cool.

We're definitely gonna find her.

Amsterdam is a very small place.
It's not gonna be...

Sir, I need you to step aside, please.
Let me search you.

- Did I beep?
- No, you didn't beep.

Just a random security check.

If you could just step aside, please?
Just over here.

- Random, huh?
- Yeah.

So this has nothing to do
with my ethnicity?

Kumar, just do what the guy says.

Sir, it's our job as airport security...

to search for all possible weapons
or illegal drugs.

So just because of the color of my skin,
you assume that I have drugs on me?

- No, he's...
- What are you, a racist?

Racist? Dude, I'm black.

He's black. He's not a racist.

Please, dude, you're barely even brown.

No, he didn't mean that.

Compared to me,
you look like Matthew Perry.

Hey, who you calling Matthew Perry, bitch?

I'm calling you Matthew Perry,
you Matthew Perry-looking bitch!

No, there's nobody here
who is Matthew Perry. No one!

What is going on here?

Sir, Matthew Perry over here thinks
that I have illegal narcotics on me...

because I'm a minority.

This is textbook racial profiling...

and I'd be more than happy
to call the ACLU or the government...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Sorry for the inconvenience, sir.

- You can move along.
- I appreciate it. Thanks, Matt Perry.

Hey, what are you doing?

What do you mean, what am I doing?
He called me Matthew Perry.

Well, you look like Matthew Perry.

- He's white!
- So what?

Why does everything have to become
a huge argument with you, man?

'Cause this is America, dude...

and as long as I have my freedom
of speech, no one's gonna shut me up.



- Vanessa.
- Oh, my God!

- Good to see you.
- So good to see you. l...

- Hi. Hey.
- Hey.


God, it's been forever.
What are you guys doing?

We're actually on our way
to Amsterdam.

- Amsterdam?
- Yeah.

Well, you guys haven't changed.

You have. You look amazing.
Your hair is diff...

- Doesn't she look amazing?
- Yeah.

Yeah, you look great.
You look awesome. Sorry.

What am I even saying?
You look different and...

- Kumar Patel, you're flustered.
- Little bit.

So, what's up with you? You still dating
the Abercrombie-wearing douchebag?

Actually, it's Brooks Brothers.

Colton! How are you, buddy?

- Good to see ya.
- Good to see you.

And we're not dating anymore.

No. We... are getting married.

Congratulations, you guys.

- You're fucking getting married?
- Yeah.

- When?
- Next week.

It's going to be a perfect day.

I mean, that's assuming we get
those Stargazer lilies for the bouquets.

This florist has been
a complete nightmare.

Fucking assholes.

Colton's practically planning
the whole wedding all by himself.

So, Rold, Brewster Keegan letting you
off the leash for a little vay-cay?

I own that place now, Colton.

Thank you so much for the hook-up.

Hey, I ran into Todd,
at Whitaker's, of course.

He told me you got a job
working for the government.

Yeah! Yeah, President Bush and my dad
were in the same fraternity.

- Oh, that's right.
- Oh, Jesus.

Yeah, yeah, when he gave my dad that
appointment at the Defense Department...

- I became his right-hand man.
- Douche.

The President's supposed to be
at our wedding...

- but you know how busy he is.
- Yeah.

Sounds like an incredible job, man.

Hey, you really got
some major connections to the top.

If you ever need anything, I'm your man.

- Thank you so much, buddy.
- Anytime.

This guy's the best.

- So, sweetheart, we should get going.
- Yes.

- Good to see you guys again.
- Congratulations again.

- Thank you. Take care, thank you.
- It's so nice.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Dude, I can't believe
they're getting married.

We've only been broken up two years.

Plus that dude has date-rape face.

I don't even know what that is.

One who possesses
the face of a date rapist.

Right. Listen...

I'm sorry, bro.

But we are going to Amsterdam.
Come on.

This is true. This is true, Roldy.

 Ooh wee 

- Man, this is so not like me.
- Yeah.

It's like I'm a whole new Harold.
Better, faster, stronger.


Man, I've never used a sick day before.

I'm taking a whole week off
from work here, man.

And in less than eight hours,
we're gonna be in Amsterdam.

- This is nuts. This is nuts.
- I know, dude.

It's gonna be exactly like Euro Trip,
only it's not gonna suck.

- It's gonna be awesome.
- It's not not gonna be awesome.

Dude. Dude, this chick's giving me
such a boner, it's awesome.

Thank you. You ruined the moment.

She's all yours, buddy.

- You wanna pause it?
- I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

No, that's...


Just a minute.


Hey, hey.

Let me in.

What are you doing?
I'm taking a piss, asshole!

- Yeah.
- Yo!

I'm not joining
the mile-high club with you.

What about the really high club?

- Are you retarded?
- No.

You brought weed
on the fucking airplane?

- Yep.
- What the fuck?

Wait a second. You were giving
that security guard shit.

Yeah. How else was I
supposed to get past him?

By not bringing drugs on an airplane?

- Look... What are you doing? What is this?
- You'll see.

Harold Lee, I would like to introduce you
to an invention of mine.

Meet the smokeless bong.

- You made this?
- You know, I did.

When you were slaving away at work...

I was actually being
a productive member of society.

- Yeah, that's really productive.
- Let me show you how it works.

So you take a little weed...

put it in the bowl right here and
light it just like a normal bong, OK?

Now here's the truly genius part.

Inside this mechanism, I have
actually made a little tiny, tiny fan...

and some disinfectant powder, OK,
it works sort of like a deodorizer...

so that anything it expunges
smells like Lysol.

- Put it away.
- No, dude.

Can you not wait
till we get to Amsterdam?

It's the weed capital of the world!

- No.
- Put the bong away!

- Take the inaugural hit, dude.
- No!

Come on, man.

- Then I'm gonna do it.
- Put it away. Put the frickin' bong away.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Turb...



- What the fuck is that thing in his hands?
- No, ma'am, not a terrorist.

- He's just an idiot.
- This is just a bong.

He said he got a bomb!

No, people,
it's a water pipe for tobacco.

No, no, no, it's not a bomb. It's just a bong.

Poison gas!

It's marijuana! Marijuana!

You picked the wrong plane,
you terrorist fuck!

Hey, what are you doing?

There are three air marshals
on board. Three!

We are not terrorists!
Sir, that's a bong, not a bomb.

Shut up!

I got this one!

- Roldy?
- Please don't!

I am in a great amount of pain!

Everybody relax. Just calm down.
Everything is under control.

Tell 'em to turn the plane around. These
two assholes are goin' back to the U.S.

Secretary Fox. Glad you could make it.

Think I'd miss a terrorist attack
of this magnitude?

Not a fuckin' chance.

Who are these people?

of the different intelligence agencies.

I assume
Secretary Whitmore's coming?

Negative. He's on an ice fishing trip
in Glacier Bay.

I'm in charge while he's gone.

Well, shouldn't he be alerted?

Isn't this issue of more importance
than an ice fishing trip?

Who are you again?

Dr. John Beecher,
Vice Chairman of the NSA.

Yeah, well, listen, Dr... Dipshit.

You've obviously
never been ice fishing before.

- No, I haven't.
- Yeah, well, it's fucking exhilarating.

The last thing anyone would want
while fishing for pike is to be interrupted.

Now back off...

and let me do my job.

What's up with the guy
with the weird eyes?

He handicapped or something?

We believe he's of Korean descent.

My God.

North Korea and al-Qaeda
workin' together.

This is bigger than I thought.

You couldn't wait?

You couldn't fucking wait?

We were about to have
all the legal weed we wanted.

You know, in Amsterdam,
where we were going!

Thought you could
get away with this, huh?

You thought that after 9/our national security was a joke, huh?


guess what?


We knew you fuckers would be back.

- Holy shit!
- But we're Americans, man.

- We love America. We love America!
- Very much.

That's a convenient thing to say...

after you try and blow up a plane
filled with Americans!

- No.
- No, we didn't do...

No, you see, you have the wrong idea.

My idiot friend here
brought marijuana...

- on the plane.
- Yeah, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Zip it, Hello Kitty. OK? I know
your operation's funded through drugs.

No. This is typical
government bullshit, sir. l...

- Hey, hey, hey. Shut up. Shut up!
- l...

- No, I'm trying to explain it! Harold!
- Shut up, shut up, shut up! Shut up!

Do we have the right
to make a phone call?

Yeah. Yeah!

I'm sorry. You want rights now.

You want freedoms right now.

Is it time? Is it freedom o'clock?

- Guess what.
- What?

Where you guys are going,
they have never even heard of rights.

Well, where are we going?

We're innocent men!
We're innocent men!

I'm an innocent man.

I donate blood.

And toys for tots.

And now I'm in Guantánamo Bay.

See why I'm against paying taxes?

Hey! Hey.

Fuck you!

Dude, calm down, OK?

Look on the bright side.
There's a sink. There's a toilet.

The pillow actually
looks pretty comfortable.

OK. You don't speak to me, ever.

- Ever.
- OK.

- No! Shut up!
- OK.

So what are you guys in here for?

For giving the United States
a taste of their own medicine.

- You guys are real terrorists?
- Some call us terrorists.

Others call us heroes.

Screw that. You think you guys
are heroes for killing innocent people?

It's 'cause of assholes like you
that we're even in this fucking place...

you fucking cowards!

Well, maybe if the people in your country
stopped eating donuts...

and started realizing what your
government is doing to the world...

assholes like us wouldn't exist.

- Fuck you! Donuts are awesome!
- They're delicious.

You like donuts?

Well, wait till you see
what they make you eat in here.

- Yeah?
- What do they make you eat in here?


Ever hear of a cockmeat sandwich?

What's a cockmeat sandwich?

You're about to find out.

Right about now. Sucker.

All right, cockmeat sandwich time.
You know the drill.

What about them? They just got here!

Big Bob's taking care of them.

- Big Bob.
- Big Bob?

I hope you like donuts.

Let's go to work. Hey, listen, guys, enjoy.

Holy shit.

Oh, yeah, that's it.

- This is not good.
- No, Kumar, it is not good.

- I've never had to suck a dick before.
- Me neither.

I bet it sucks dick.

Shit, dude.

Please don't let it be Big Bob.
Please don't let it be Big Bob.

Please don't let it be Big Bob.
Come on.

Please don't let it be Big Bob.
Please don't let it be Big Bob.

Please don't let it be Big Bob.

- Please don't let it be Big Bob.
- I'm Big Bob.

- Fuck.
- Yes, you are.

You boys ready
for your cockmeat sandwich?


Well, you better get hungry real fast...

'cause I got a whole lot of sandwich
waitin' for ya.

Holy shit!

- All right, let's get goin'.
- Hold on, hold on, hold on, Big Bob...

I got to ask you a question
before this all goes down.

- All the guards in Guantánamo are gay?
- Fuck, no!

Ain't nothing gay
about getting your dick sucked!

You're the ones that's gay
for suckin' my dick!

- What?
- In fact...

creeps me out
just bein' around you fags.

- But...
- All right.

- Wait...
- Get down on your knees...

- and open your mouths.
- Please, Big Bob.

Why don't you just
kick our ass instead?

- Get on your fucking knees!
- All right. All right.

- All right, all right, all right, all right.
- You go first, dude.

Hope you boys like extra mayo.

- Jesus, Kumar.
- Oh, I hate you so much!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

God, his dick smells like shit, dude.

Holy shit!

- What the hell happened?
- That terrorist fuck bit my dick!

- Come on.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait a second!

Should we?
What if they kill us out there?

They're gonna fucking make us
suck their dicks if we don't.

We're gonna die in here. Come on.

- Fuck. Fuck.
- Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

- Shit. Shit.
- Fuck. Fuck.

- Shit. Shit.
- Fuck. Fuck.

- Oh, shit! Get out!
- Fuck!

Oh, shit. Shit.

Door, door.

Look, look, look.

What the fuck is he doing?

We've got to go
now, now, now, now, now!

It smells like burnt asshole.

I can't fucking believe this.


My wrist is swelling, man!

- Shut up.
- We're gonna die in a jungle!

- Shut up!
- Fuck!

Watch out for cheetahs!
This is cheetah turf.

- What?
- OK. Fuck.

We hit ocean.
What do we do now?

All right.

Hey, look, look!

Excuse me.

You guys going to America?

Sí, vamos.

Yes, we're going.

Thank you.

- Es mío.
- Vamos, vamos.

I'm telling you, Jorge...

the first thing you have to do
when you get to America...

buy a device called TiVo, OK?

Freedom means nothing if you're
a slave to regular programming...

I promise you that.

And now, how about you focus?

We gotta figure out what to do
when we get to the States.

We don't have wallets. We don't
have any ID. We've got nothing.

Well, I figure we're gonna land
somewhere around Miami, right?

There's only one guy we know
who lives down there.

- Who do we know that... Raza.
- Yeah.

We gotta go see Raza.

- Adiós.
- Hasta luego.

- Thanks again.
- What nice people.

Man, South Florida here we are.

OK. So, now how do we get to Raza's?

The professional way.
We walk. Let's go.

- Walk?
- Yeah.

So I guess Raza's...

- We'll find it, we'll find it.
...thataway. Yeah.

 Dale así, papi 







- Wow, Raza's place is pretty sweet.
- Kinda ghetto for Miami.

 Para abajo 

 Toca, toca, toca, toca, toca 

- Hi.
- Hey.

Y'all aren't here to complain
about the noise, are you?

No. We're not...
here to complain about the noise.


We are here to see...

- What is his name? We're here...
- Vagina.

No, we're here to see Raza.

OK. Follow me.

Thank you, ma'am.

We'll follow... you, I guess.

 Ba-dunk, ba-dunk, ba-dunk 

 She got it, she got it 

 Ba-dunk, ba-dunk, ba-dunk 

 She said, "Boy, go ahead" 

 As long as I don't touch it 

 I said, "Now, why the hell
would I wanna interrupt it?" 


- Very patriotic of you.
- Thank you.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

- Hey, Raza!
- What?

What's up?

- Kumar and Roldy?
- What's up, man?

I haven't seen you guys
since graduation.

What are you guys doing here?

Wait, what's up
with the orange jumpsuits?

- Hey, no, no, question number one...
- It's kind of a long story. l...

...what's up with this party?
- What do you mean?

There's exposed vagina
all over your house.

Yeah. That was my idea.

I don't know about you guys,
I'm sick of all the hype over topless.

Really? I always liked toplessness.

- That's just me.
- Yeah? Well, I'm starting...

the bottomless trend.
Hence, the bottomless party.

So what are you guys doing
in South Beach?

How about you answer that question?
I'm gonna go check this out.

- Where are you going?
- Bang bang, buddy.

Listen. I'm really sorry
to bother you with this.

- You all right?
- Not really.

They were locked up for less than
an hour, and they already escaped?

Damn it. Make sure the press
doesn't get wind of this.

Don't need the public thinking
we're some two-bit operation.

Got it, sir.

It must have been either al-Qaeda
or North Korea who broke 'em up.

Find out if they have
any relatives in the country.

You probably should have
done that in the first place.

Do you have a problem with the way
I'm running the show, Beecher?

I'm just saying that...

I've looked through the files
on Harold Lee and Kumar Patel.

They were both born
and raised in New Jersey.

Other than a couple of traffic tickets,
they're clean.

Right. That's why
they just broke out of prison.

But they... It's not even clear that they
should have been there in the first place.

Shut your...

You see this cute, little white girl,


Do you want her to get raped
and murdered?

Of course not.

You sure? 'Cause this is America.

- Do you want to rape America?
- No.

Then stop fucking with me.

This is serious.

She's adorable.

So you guys are fucking fugitives?

It's just it's Kumar's fault.

If we get out of this...

the chances of us remaining friends
is highly...

highly... boobies. Yeah.

Hey, what do you think you're doing?

Put that back on. And keep it on.

- Sorry.
- Fuckin' party do you think this is?

Yo. What are you guys talking about?

Roldy was just letting me
in on your situation.

- Yeah?
- Thanks for getting me involved.

What about that fuckin' time
we had to cover for you...

lie to your ex-girlfriend
about how you got crabs?

You owe us, man.

- Yeah, that's right.
- What?

- OK, that was a long time ago.
- I love crabs.

Speaking of ex-girlfriends...

isn't yours getting married
or something?

How does everybody know about this
except for me?


Colton! Colton Graham can help us out.

- No! Fuck that!
- Yes!

No doubt. If anyone could
clear your names, it's him.

No, I'm sorry.
That dickweed is not helping us.

Wait a second.
Do you have his contact info?

Not anymore. But the wedding is
at his family's estate in Hewitt, Texas.

But you don't want to bother them
when they're doing their whole...

wedding thing, right?

You know,
that actually might be our only hope.

Fuck! How do we get there? We can't
go to the airport. They're looking for us.

- I'll loan you one of my cars.
- Really?

But first... y'all got to get
in the spirit of the party.

- What do you mean, spirit of...
- What do you think I mean?

- What about you?
- Me? I've been in the spirit.

- Oh, God!
- Oh, my God, dude!

Oh, my God!

- Love your dickdo, Raza.
- Yeah. Drink it in.

- What the fuck?
- That looks like Osama bin Laden's beard.

I know, right? All right, boys.

Your turn. Let 'em dangle.

- Let's just do it.
- Bring it.

Count of three?


Two, three.

Your cocks are awesome, man!

That's not even necessary.

- Would you please...
- Oh, my dick!

 My dick cost a late-night fee 

 Your dick got the HIV 

 My dick plays on
the double feature screen 

 Your dick went straight to DVD 

 My dick bigger than a bridge 

 Your dick look like a little kid's 

 My dick large like the Chargers,
the whole team 

 Your shit look like you 14 

 My dick locked in a cage, right 

 Your dick suffer from stage fright 

 My dick so hot it's stolen 

 Your dick look like Gary Coleman 

 My dick pink and big 

- This car is frickin' sweet.
- Yeah, yeah, it's sweet.

'Cause we're fugitives.

Driving a yellow convertible
with the top down, dressed like assholes!

Yo. Yo. Yo, look, he has
one of these things.

- Would you put that down?
- No, you can hook up to the Internet.

You can play Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!
on it. King Hippo's going down.

Put that away. Put that away.

I can't believe you can even think about
playing games at a time like this, man.

You realize what would happen
if our parents found out about this?

You have sent our sons
to Guantánamo Bay?

This is an outrage!

You Arabs think you can just mix in
with our peaceful society...

and we're not gonna find you, huh?

I am not Arab! I am Indian!

Look, Chief. I'm not here to argue
seblantics with you, OK?

I'm here to save lives.

Ask the Lees what they know
about their son's terrorist activity.

Look, we have been American citizens
for over 40 years.

Now, frankly, I find this very offensive.

They're using some sort of dialect
I've never heard before.

But I'm pretty sure he said something
about going on the offensive.

Tell them we know
what their son is up to...

and if they don't cooperate,
he could be sentenced to death.

Hit 'em. Yeah.

We know what he said!

Sir, Harold and Kumar are good boys.

I'm a pretty good translator.

It's total gibberish.

They may be trying to stonewall us.

Are you sure you speak Korean, Jack?

You speak Korean?

You're not fucking with Daddy, are you?

Do you have a masters
in romantic Korean literature?

Because I do...

and I'm offended.

Good enough for me.

Look, excuse me...

we're not looking to hurt your sons...

we just wanna know where they are.

Do you know if they know anybody
in Florida?

Their friend Raza Syed lives in Miami.

But why would they be there?

He's supposed to be in medical school.

They are supposed to be in prison!
That is where terrorists belong!

These fuckers are goin' down.

Dead. Or alive.

Tell them that in your fake
ching-chong language.

Shut up! You're an idiot.

I don't know what you're saying, buddy...

but fuck you.

- Fuck me?
- Will you let him talk to you like that?

- Listen, no, sit down.
- Fuck me?

Hey, look, man, we're in Alabama.

Wow, we actually get a first-hand look
at the South, huh?

Hey, this wasn't supposed to be a trip
through the South, OK?

This was supposed to be
the most romantic week of my life.

Remember that? Before you
fucked it up? You remember that?

Just chill, OK?
We'll be out of this situation.

You'll be up in Maria's guts
in no time, all right?

Hey. She's not some skank, man.

I've never felt this way
about anyone before, really.

What the fuck?
Why am I talking to you about this?

It's not like you would understand, so...

 I want to be happy 

 I want to be happy, just like... 

Excuse me, please.
Will you turn that off? This is a library.

What a fucking chode.

Thank you, come again!

- What the fuck?!
- Oh, my God.

You know, the whole reason
people come to the stacks...

is for some peace and...


Look, I know, I'm sorry. I hate it
when people disturb me here too.

It's just this fucking calculus final
is killing me.

- Do you mind if I take a look?
- No.

- You're actually very close. May I?
- Yeah.

Excuse me.

I touched your breast.

- It's OK.
- Sorry.

You just go...

Wow. You're good at this.


What did you, like, take calculus
in high school or something?

Actually, my dad taught it to me
in sixth grade.

What, are you like Doogie Howser?

No. Although that would be incredible.
He's my hero.

I love that show.

What are you working on there?

This is just a poem
for my creative writing class.

It's like...

- "The Square Root Of Three"?
- No, no, I'm sorry...

- "A poem of love by Kumar Patel."
- I need this.

- Hey, let me read it.
- No, no.

- Why?
- Because it's lame.

Then read it to me.

There's no way I'm letting you see me
in that light. Good luck with your calculus.

Come on, don't be embarrassed. You
know, a lot of girls find intelligence sexy.

Look, I'm not even gonna be
showing this to my professor, all right?

That's why I'm so stressed out
right now.

Stressed out, huh?

Come with me.

- Come on.


You're smoking drugs in the library?
What if somebody catches us?

Don't worry. It'll help you relax.

Oh, boy.

It's illegal.

 I want your fish right by me 

 That's how it has to be 


... copacetic if you let it so set up 

 And keep the downstream down
and the upstream up 

This is poison.

 My stoney, my baby 

Let me help you.

 Funk the groovin' thang whistlin' 

 As I rip my rhymes 

 Time and time again struttin'
and in the summertime 

 So screw it,
strip down and be generic 

 Strip down and be a passenger
Strip down and be a messenger 

 In askin' why I'm born
I come up blank in the winter 

 In askin' why I'm born
I come up on when I'm on her 

-  It's time to find the kind 
-  My summer, his summer 

I'm Kumar.


You're still not reading that poem.

 And then I kiss my stoney baby 

 My stoney, my stoney 

 My stoney baby 

 My stoney 

 My stoney baby 


 My stoney baby 


Kumar. Kumar.

- Kumar.
- Yeah.

What's going on? We're in Birmingham,
Alabama. Are we supposed to be here?

What's going on?

- Why did you bring us here, dude?
- What do you mean, why did l...

You were supposed to be following the
directions, asshole. What do you mean?

There's got to be like a highway
or something, right?

Yeah, there's got to be a highway.

What's going on up there?

 Squad up 

 My niggas 

 I see some pussy-ass niggas,
so what the fuck... 

What the hell is this?

 We knock these niggas out 

 I see some pussy-ass niggas,
so what the fuck you wanna do? 

- I'm turning around.
- Nah, just go through, man.

Dude, we're not driving
through this basketball game.

You know, Roldy, I really thought
you were bigger than this.

Dude, I'm not scared
'cause they're black.

I'm scared because they're scary.

And it's not like we got
Gregory Hines out there.

They're not that scary.

It's my ball!

Turn around.

 Rob this motherfucker,
drop his punk ass in a ditch 

 Drag this pussy nigga,
slap his ass up like a bitch 

 My niggas is my niggas
'cause my niggas... 

- Fuck! It won't move!
- Shit, dude.

 Shoot him dead between his lips 

 I see some pussy... 

- That's not good.
- Now there's no music, man.

Shit, man.

- Motherfucker!
- My Jordans, nigga!

- Shit, this isn't good.
- This is not good. This is not good.

No. No. No.

They're coming over here.

- Fucking shit. Why did you do that?
- Yeah, I hit a fire hydrant on purpose.

They're getting weapons, man.

All right, what do we do?
What do we do?

Run, run, run. Run, run.

Yo. Yo.

- Where y'all going? Damn!
- We was just trying to help.

Man, somebody call the police.
We need to report this.

- Yeah, that's right. You like the ride?
- Fuck you, man.

They abandoned it last night.
It's registered to a Raza Syed.

The witnesses' description
of the driver and passenger...

match that of Lee and Patel.

We tried bringing in Syed last night,
but he's already left the country.

Well, they know we're closing in on 'em,
that's why.

OK. No, I'll give you a call. All right.

No, no, no, no!

- Holy shit!
- Easy, easy!

- Easy.
- Easy!

This is our witness.

Put it down! Yo, put it down!

You all know I got one!

I got one too!

So, you saw the fugitives, huh?

Yeah. It was like
I was telling the Sheriff...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
How do I know you're telling the truth?

I don't have a reason
to lie to you, man.


- Get up in your face, man.
- We'll see.

That ain't right.

Where's he going?

What's going on?

Hell no!

Now why don't you tell me
what really happened?

Is that grape soda?

What the fuck, yo?

- All right.
- Hold on, hold on, hold on!

This is so ignorant.

- Really?
- Yes.

Is this ignorant?

Yo, that's racist, man. That's racist.

Hey, Jon, are you gonna let him do that?

See if he got Kool-Aid.

Almost gone, witness.

Sure there's not something
you wanna tell me?

I'm not stoppin' until you crack!

I already told you
that they took off runnin'!

All right, all right, all right.

This isn't necessary!
Mr. White is telling you the truth!

Yeah, and how can you be
so sure, Beecher?

'Cause he doesn't have a police record.
He's an orthodontist, for Christ's sake.

OK, then, Beech. How do you
propose we find the terrorists, huh?

There was a Nokia taken from the console.

We have its tracking numbers.

Our satellites are running a trace on it,
as we speak.

I'm serious about that Kool-Aid.

What's going on? Where are you?

Dude, that is a fucking long story.

We're actually in Alabama right now,
heading to Texas.

What is that sound? Are you jerking off
again? What are you doing?

I'm taking a glorious pee-pee.

Hey, listen, you're not gonna believe this...

but the other night,
I ended up at that Asian party...

and I schtupped Cindy Kim.

Shut the fuck up. Are you serious?

Yeah, man,
she even gave me a blumpkin.

What is a blumpkin?

It's when a girl gives you head while
you're sitting on the toilet takin' a shit.


- Hello?
- Hey. Hey! What are you doing?

Hello? Come, come?

Did you go?

Yeah, I'm done.

You said to me we were gonna
cross swords. You promised.

I'm sorry, sweetheart.

Are you talking on a cellphone
when the government is looking for us?

Dude, it was just Goldstein.
I had something important to tell him.

It's 'cause you had something...
That's good, that's OK.

Nothing is more important
than finding a way to get to Texas.

- Do you get it?
- Yes.

We've been walking an entire day
and we have not seen a street sign.

Do you get it?

- Can I say...
- Again. This is... I can't.

Dude, honestly...

you've got to be a little more positive
about these things, all right?

- Yeah?
- Positive about what? I don't...

First of all, look at this beautiful
Alabama landscape, OK?

You don't get shit like this in New Jersey.

God, you...

Hey, look, dude.

It's a baby deer.

- Wow. Man.
- Shit.

Hey. Hey.

Look how cute this deer is, dude. Not
like those asshole deer in New Jersey.

I know, man.

- Hey, buddy.
- Dude, Alabama's awesome.

He likes you.

- Oh, my God!
- No!

Sorry about that. I was in my zone.

What the hell are y'all doing out here
in them fancy clothes?

We were on our way to Texas
and we got lost.


You're a long way from Texas.


Born in '04.

Get in here.

Yeah. The sun's about to go down.

- Y'all need a place to stay? Ya hungry?
- Yeah, sure.

You want to follow me?

Come on.

Maybe we shouldn't.

It's already dead.
You need a hand, dude?

My grandpappy
bought this land in 1902.

Very nice, sir.

This place is gonna suck.

Honey, I'm home.

 É verão 


I'm in here.

I wish you'd-a told me
you was bringing guests home.

I'da straightened up in here.

Fellas, this is my wife Raylene.

Raylene, meet Harold and Kumar.


Can't shake.
I've just got... deer head all over me.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you boys.

- You just make yourselves at home.
- Thank you.

Honey, something's wrong
with that DSL.

Every time I go on the online,
it says, "Searching for server."

You try unplugging the AirPort base?

Yeah, I done did that but it didn't work.

What you need to go online fors,

I was gonna get one of them
new portable satellite radios.

What the fuck
you need a satellite radio for?

Don't you be cussin'
when we got company over.

- Guys.
- Please don't worry about us.

We cuss all the time.

Who do you think you is, hitting me?

Who do you think bought you
that Prada bag?

I told you I wanted a Gucci one.

The Gucci bag cost more!

Well, Jan Sapperstein's husband
sure could afford it.

Here we go again with Jan Sapperstein.

I don't give a rat's ass what that bitch got.

You be happy with what you have.

What I have is a husband
who ain't worth a turd!

You wanna give me shit now?

- That's right!
- After everything I let you buy!

Even look at the credit card bills?

...you buy?! Do you think we need
another set of golf balls?

- Even worse is the credit card miles.
- Stinky, smelly, motherf...

Guys, we're just gonna get out of here.

Nonsense. Don't be silly.
You're our guests.

You guys have got to stay for supper.

- No, we couldn't. That's...
- No, thank you. We really couldn't...

Of course, we're gonna
have to get high first.

We're close.

This is news to me.
I never knew farmers smoked weed.

You ever tried farmin' not high?
It's borin' as shit.

You know, this is great, guys.

I kind of always,
you know, sort of assumed...

that people from the South
were kinda...

A bunch of dumb rednecks?

- No.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's not...

We do try to keep our inbred son in
the basement when we have company.

Guys, I didn't mean it like that. I was just...

Look at their faces!

Fuck, fuck!

Shit, they found us.
They found us. They found us.

- What do you mean, they found you?
- Listen, I'm so sorry. I am so sorry.

Are you boys in some kind of trouble?

All right. This is gonna sound crazy,
but, basically...

we were on a plane to Amsterdam...

and we got mistaken for terrorists
and we got sent to Guantánamo Bay...

and then we escaped and snuck
into America with a bunch of Cubans...

and now we're trying to get to Texas...

where there's a guy
who can help us out...

and he's getting married
to Kumar's ex-girlfriend.


OK. That's cool.

- I understand that.
- You do?

Like the government's never screwed
us over before. You know what?

Y'all come down here and hide
in the basement. I will handle this.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, both.

Thank you, thank you.

OK. This isn't creepy.

What the hell is that?

You're walking
towards the creepy music?


This song rocks, dude.


Hey, dude, there's a lighter here
with a clown on it.

Jesus Christ, there's a fucking monster!


Hey, you don't happen to have
a Baby Ruth on you, do you?

No. Why do you need a Baby Ruth?

That's how Chunk won over Sloth
in The Goonies.

This thing looks like Sloth?

All I saw was the creature's hand.

The hand looks like Sloth?

The fucking hand of an evil monster,
dude. Like fucking claws and shit.


Listen, no matter what, don't let
the creature know that it's ugly, OK?

The last thing that we want to do
is criticize it or make it feel different...

just because it was born
with horrible deformities.

Don't worry. I got rid of 'em.
It was just my neighbors.

- There's a fricking Cyclops...
- No, you got...

...in your basement, man!
...a fucking thing, dude!

You met Cyrus.

- Cyrus.
- You named it?

Our son.

You must have woke him up. He was
supposed to be asleep. I'm sorry.

I thought you were joking...

when you said you had an inbred son
who lives in your basement.

Well, it ain't a joke.

Raylene and I here are siblings,
and we get it on.

But that don't mean
we ought to be judged.

You boys must be awful tired
after what you've been through.

Come with me,
I'll show you to your bed.

You better go back to sleep, boy!

Don't make me come down there
and whip your Cyclops ass!

It's tough love.

It's the best way.

I don't know what I was thinking
dating that douchebag Colton.

He is a douchebag.
What were you thinking?

But it was agony pretending
his puny, little penis satisfied me.

I bet. I bet you've been missing
the thundercock too, haven't you, baby?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Yeah, you've been missing it?

How much?

- A lot.
- I bet.


- I kind of have this fantasy.
- What is it?

I thought it'd be kinda cool
to bring somebody else in bed with us.


Hey, baby.

- Yeah!
- Yeah?

- Yeah.
- She's hot, right?

Let's do it.

-  There's something 
-  About that woman 

 She's got something
you can't live without 

 Makes your heart sing 

Faster, Weedy.

 Something about that woman 

 If you're in doubt
then you are missing out 

 On a good thing 

 I got to give it up 

Teeth, teeth, Weedy, teeth.

- Weedy!
- Yeah?

- Yeah!
- You like that?

Putting it in the ass now, Weedy.

Yeah, how about that?

 Something about that woman 

 She's got something
you can't live without 

 Makes your heart sing 

 It's just something about that woman 

 If you're in doubt
then you are missing out 

 On a good thing 

 I got to give it up 



I just had the most
fucked-up nightmare.

Come on, man.
I was having a really hot dream.

Go back to bed, please, dude.

Why did we have to leave?
Their Goonies child was kind of cute.

I don't care. It tried to fucking bite me.

Jesus, every time the two of us
try to get anywhere...

it's fucking disaster
after fucking disaster.

Jesus, dude.
Here, you really need a hit of this.

Dude, I don't want a fucking hit!

It's your solution to everything,
you know that?

Think about it.
We should be at Colton's already.

Hey, chill, we still have two days
to fuck up the wedding.

- What?
- What?

- What?
- What?

That's what this is all about, isn't it?
You want to fuck up the wedding.

It's not fucking funny, Kumar.
It's not fucking funny!

Colton is the only guy
that can help us out at this point.

I can't believe... I cannot believe
you're willing to fuck that up!

I just hate that fucking asshole, OK?

Yeah? I like him better
than I like you right now.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You know what he got me? A job.

You know what you got me?
Thrown into Guantánamo Bay.

- Your job sucks.
- Admit it.

You're jealous because Vanessa
found somebody better than you.

What the fuck
is that supposed to mean?

Better than you! Let me think.

Potential future president,
or unemployed pothead?

Tough. That's tough.
That's a tough one for her, isn't it?

Yeah, well at least
Vanessa's not in Amsterdam...

getting plowed
by a bunch of European dudes.

- What?
- Do you really think Maria's...

saving herself for you, dude?

Right now, she's probably got
two uncircumcised dicks...

dangling in front of her throat.

You know what she's gonna do with them?
Down 'em into her tonsils?

Fucking dick.

- That's my hat.
- That was my hat, bro.

Maria, Maria, Maria, Maria.


Don't you dare say a fucking word
about my angel!

What the fuck was that?

Get up. Get up!

Fuck you.


Isn't that a KKK bonfire?


Yeah, I think it is.

Maybe we should
get the fuck out of here.

Yeah. Yeah, dude.

Let's do that.

The other day, caught a rerun
of that show Becker.

You know that show?

Yeah, that's the one
with that Jew, Ted Danson.

That blond negro they got on there,
he had me in stitches.

He's actually pretty funny.

Really? You think so?

I'm not saying I wouldn't
lynch the guy, but...

his timing, it's priceless.

Hold up a second.

I gotta go drain the main vein.

I'll tell ya, Travis...

when it comes to feeling good...

I'd rate pissin' right up there
with comin' and shittin'.

I like to do all three.

Yeah, I hear ya.

Kenny, come on, man.
Hurry the fuck up.

You were the one who made me
drink that third beer.

Hold your horses, peckerwood.

Gross! You fucking pissed on me!

- You racist fuck!
- What the heck?

What the nigger was that?

This is fucked. We are fucked.

Kenny. Travis.

What in the tarnation you guys doin'?

Good, you brought the keg.
Lug that thing over.

- Let's go! Come on!
- Come on!

Let's go, come on!

Yeah, then you put little onions on 'em
and you steam 'em, they're awesome.

Roldy, dude, I'd never thought
I'd say this in a million years...

but the Klan really knows how to party.

You gotta try these dogs.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

Really know how to...
the Klan knows how to party?

- Dude, we've got to get out of here!
- Jeez, all right, dude, relax.

All right, y'all! Come on over here
and we'll sit around the campfire.

- Shit, what do we do?
- Let's go sit down.

Rufus. Next to them marshmallows...

- and the graham crackers.
- Everybody sit down.

Best s'mores we've had in a long time...

that's what I'm talking about,
that's what I'm talking about.

Now. Now I want
each one of y'all to tell me...

somethin'... Porch monkey, kike!

...that you did
to a minority this week. Yeah.

I tripped a beaner while I was
walking down the stairs...

at the Wal-Mart the other day.

Guy crashed into a bunch of wine bottles.

They made him pay for 'em! Yeah!

All right, all right, let's all calm down.

White power here, white power here,
white power here.

Giving him what he deserves.


All right, I'm back. Next.

It better be good. Here.

Come on, dude, say something.

You know what?

I did knee an Indian guy in the balls.

That's funny!

Yeah, send them Indians back to Africa.

Well, you want to hear something real
fucked-up and awesome that I did?

I took a Korean guy's toothbrush
and I rubbed it all over my dick.

- You did that?
- Well, that's just downright disgustin'.

- But I like it!
- Yeah!

Yeah, I love bein' white.

- What the...
- Look what we got us here, brothers.


Lynch 'em!

Come on, come on! Come on!

Come on, boys, let's chase them
back to the border!

Pussy fart!

Holy shit!

Should we put it out or what?

Are they still behind us?

I don't think so.
Dude, the Klan is fucking slow.

Hey, flag down this car.

Help! Help! Help!

- Thank you.
- Thank you.


Thanks for stopping.

 You better check yo self 

No problem.

 'Cause I'm bad for your health,
I come real stealth 


Gary and Kumar!

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Harold. Harold.

Sorry, man. I forgot.

What are you doing here, man?

This is where God took me.
What are you guys doing out here?

We're actually trying to get to Texas.

That's where I'm headed!

What are the odds?

Let's get out of here.

- All right.
- Thank you.


- No. Thanks, though.
- No, thank you.

Suit yourself.

Gentlemen, start your engines.

It's gonna be a bumpy fuckin' ride.

 'Cause shotgun bullets
are bad for your health 

We found their phone.

Lee and Patel made a phone call to you.

Now tell us everything you know
about their terrorist plot.

Terrorist plot? Rold and Kumar?

This is ridiculous.

OK, fine. Fine.

Mr. Rosenberg.

Mr. Gold-stein.

We'll do it your way.

What's this? What do we have here?

It's about seven dollars?

Look, don't insult us, all right?

I don't know
what the hell is going on here...

but I'm pleading the Fifth
until I speak to my lawyer.

You're pleading the Fifth, huh?

Beecher, give me a copy
of the Bill of Rights.

The Bill of Rights? Why?

Just do it!

Excuse me.

Five, right?

- Five alive.
- Sure.

OK. OK. Good.

You wanna know what I think
about the Fifth Amendment?

There it is.

That's what I think
of the Fifth Amendment.

Why the hell is your ass so dirty?
Don't you wipe?

Don't ask questions
you don't want the answer to, buddy.

What do ya got?

Turns out the FBI was already
tapping Mr. Goldstein's phone.

- We got what we need.
- Wait a second.

You were tapping my phone?

You want to hear the tape?

No. I'm sick of listening
to this dirt farmer. What's the upshot?

Lee and Patel are on their way
to Texas as we speak.

I knew they'd trip up.

Ready the plane.
These fuckers are goin' down.

Neil, can you just focus on driving?
You've had... Focus on the road.

You've had dozens of shrooms,
my friend.

Dude, I was able to perform
an appendectomy at age 14.

I think I can handle
a couple mushrooms.

- Wasn't that just a TV show?
- Jesus Christ!

Did you see that unicorn?

Its horn was so shiny.

So, why are you guys headed to Texas?

Let's just say
my ex-girlfriend's getting married.

The one that got away, huh?


Sounds to me like you need a drink.

Road. Neil, please,
can you pay attention...

Dude, I've got it!

- Yeah, but...
- He's a good driver. Stop.

Thanks, man. Cheers, dude.

Really? Drinking?

I have a lost-love story of my own.


Happened on the set of Clara's Heart.

Sure, sure, yeah.

I'll never forget her.
Her name was Tashonda.

She was Whoopi Goldberg's stand-in.

Her skin was so soft,
her lips were so sweet.

She had these tiny,
little Hershey Kiss nipples...

that you just wanted
to suck on all night long.

Anyway, last day of shooting, I told her.

I said...

"T-Bird, we're gonna have to break up."

Why did you do that?

I didn't think I could take on
that kind of responsibility.

It was such a big mistake.

Why? I mean, with T-Bird gone...

couldn't you have sex
with whoever you wanted?

Let me be clear.

There is nothing on the planet...

that I love more than a hot, new pussy.

- Sure.
- Nothing.

What does the P.H. stands for in N.P. H?

Patrick Harris.

No, common mistake. Poon handler.

The point is, boys...

even though I love havin' sex
with some hot, random trim...

a day hasn't gone by
where I haven't thought of Tashonda.

Every time I see a bag of
Hershey's Kisses, my balls get so wet.

Here's to you, Tashonda.

- I hope you kept the baby.
- Wow.

 Free on my own 

 That's the way I used to be 

 But since I met you, baby 

Hey, honey.
What's up?

I found something in your purse.

Why would you go through my purse?

Why would you have a joint...

when you know
it could ruin my political career?

I'm sorry.

What with all the wedding plans,
I've just been a little stressed.

It helps me relax?

Marijuana is illegal, Vanessa.

Now, I thought that part of your life
was in the past.

- It is.
- Good.

That's all I need to hear.

Hey, baby.

Look, I know things can be hectic
with the wedding.

But, you know, if you get stressed out,
just do what I do.

Snort Zoloft, OK?

What the fuck?


Dude, they set up a fucking roadblock!
They're gonna find us.

- What are you talking about?
- Neil...

I don't know how to say this
any other way, man, but we're fugitives.


OK, well, we've got to find a way
to get out of this.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Please.

You act like I've never smuggled
a fugitive across state lines before.

Here. Hide in that.

Sorry. It's a little sticky.



What the... When were you
gonna show me these?

Excuse me.

Wait, Officer!

- Shit.
- Hold that car!

Neil Patrick Harris.


It is an honor to meet you, sir.

Yeah. I would imagine so.

I'm sure you get this all the time...

but your part in Starship Troopers
truly, truly changed my life.



Well, no one thought the war against
the arachnids of Klendathu could be won.

- But you showed the starship troopers...
- Neil!

...that those bugs could be destroyed.

A lot of people think the war on terror
is a war that can't be won, right?

That's why I joined
the Department of Homeland Security.

My friend, two words.
Starship fuckin' Troopers.

If you want to know the secret of being,
you will come with us.

Please. I really need to go.

Yeah, of course. I'm so sorry
to bother you. You move along.


I love you.

I love you too, Mr. Patrick Harris.

What the...

Holy fucking shit, that was awesome.

Try having that conversation
on shrooms.

I deserve an Oscar
for that performance.

- You do!
- Dudes...

I'm gonna take a little detour
on the way, all right?

- No.
- Neil, no.

But we're almost there, man.

- No buts. No buts!
- What do you do...

I'm going to a whorehouse
and I'm gonna get my fuck on.

If you two don't want to get
your dicks wet, that's fine with me.

I'll get my dick wet.

 Don't need nothin' but a good time 

 How can I resist? 

 Ain't lookin' for nothin'
but a good time 

 And it don't get better than this 

Pussy, I'm home!


Well, well, well. I thought you'd never
show your face around here again.

What's the matter, Sally? I thought
I was one of your top customers.

Have you forgotten what happened
the last time you were here?

Because of you, my best girl quit.

Hey, I paid her good money.

It's not my fault
she didn't lube up.

Besides, I bring you new customers.

- New customers?
- No, Neil, that's all.

Thank you. Thank you.
Appreciate it. Appreciate it.

Sally. Bring on the lineup.

Line up in the chutes, girls.

Longhorns coming through.


Bigger. Bigger. Bigger. Bigger.

Hello, ba...

- What's your name, miss?
- Tits Hemingway.

How'd you come up with that?

Well, I have huge tits.

And my favorite book
is A Moveable Feast.

I guess that makes sense, yeah.

Well, I hope you're ready for me, Tits...

'cause I'm gonna rock out
with my cock out...

and you're gonna jam out
with your clam out.

It's gonna be magical.

- The whores are on me, fellas.
- No, Neil...

- thank you, but we... that's...
- Thanks, dude.

Screw that, Roldy.
I don't know about you...

but, no offense to the rest of you ladies,
I am gonna be taking you two.

No, Kumar. Kumar!

Roldy, you're missing out, brother.

Yo, we need to get back on the road,

We need...

Well, now, you know, we also supply...

in-room films or a magazine.

Well, if you'd like
some self-satisfaction...

we do have some...

electronic devices right over there.

Just have some coffee. Yeah?

Why don't you lie on the bed?

And tell us what you want us to do.



how about...

How about you take off your clothes
and make out with each other?

- We've done that before.
- We can do that.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

 Pussy real good 

-  That pussy 
-  Pussy real good 

-  That pussy 
-  That pussy off the chain 

-  That pussy 
-  Go on and do yo thang 

-  That pussy 
-  Pussy real good 

-  That pussy 
-  That pussy real good 

 That pussy 

 Yo' mama don't like 

 She say I'm no good 

 What she don't know is 

 I got you pussy-whooped 

 He need this pussy 

 He smell this pussy 

 He wanna taste this pussy 

 He gotta pay for pussy 

Can you use tongue?

 That pussy, pussy 

 Pussy, pussy 

Bump your titty on her titty.

 Police pull me over 

 They don't write no tickets 

Boner achieved!

Great. Now let's get those pants off.


- You are benevolent human beings.
- Yeah, I know.

- Yeah?
- We get that a lot.

Yeah. You know what that means,

Yeah, I do, actually.


It means we're gonna fuck you so hard...

your dick's gonna be sore for two weeks.

That is exactly, exactly what it means.

You know what bothers me
the most, though?

He never once apologized
for getting me into all this trouble.

I mean, I'm supposed to be with my
Maria right now in Amsterdam, OK?

But it's cool.
He doesn't know how to say "I'm sorry."

Why do you think that is?

Sparkle, because it's all about
what he wants. It's about him, him, him.

You know. I don't even care
because... You know...

if he can't be a good friend to me,
I'm not gonna be a good friend to him.

- It's done.
- Don't say that.

A good friend is hard to come by.

Venus, come on.

Yeah, but if he was a real friend,
he would know how to say, "I'm sorry."

That's right.

Thank you, Agnes.

Nail on the head.

It's like right now...

after all the shit that we have
been through in the last few days...

you know, he's in there having
the time of his life, having sex.

I never should have left her.

I don't even know...

I don't even know what I was thinking.

I loved her so much.

She was my little baby.

She was my little baby.

Why did I let my little baby go?

Why did I let her go?

You'll find someone else.

No, I won't. Not like Vanessa.

You'll find love again someday.

Yeah, you will.

Did you guys?

No, we're whores.

- Remember?
- Yeah.

Oh, my God. Are you OK?

What the hell is going on here?

That prick fucking branded me!

- Stop it.
- I warned you, Neil.

Bring it.

- Neil! Neil!
- Time to put your dick in the dirt.

- What... Neil! What are you doing?
- Come on. Come on. Come on.

- But...
- No, Neil.


- What about Neil, man?
- No, fuck Neil. He just fucked us.

- Neil! Neil!
- Come on, come on, come on!

- Come on! Come on! Come on!
- Neil!

Come on!

- N.P. H!
- No!

Stop! Stop!

Wait, wait, wait, wait!
We've got to get Neil.

- Why?
- Look, we're stealing his car!

- We can't leave him back there.
- He stole your fucking car last week!

What was that?

- Hurry up.
- Neil!

- Hurry up. Come on, man.
- Guys.

- All right. Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up.
- Neil, Neil, come on! Come on, man!

- Guys!
- Hurry up! Hurry up!

It's not even funny.
Hurry up, dude, hurry up.

You can make it, dude.

Oh, my God! Holy shit!

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- Jesus Christ!

- Neil's dead! Neil's dead!
- No!

- Oh, my God!
- Get the fuck out of here! Go! Go!

 How do I say goodbye 

It's the dawn of a new day.

And Neil Patrick Harris
isn't around to see it, man.

Dude, I told you.

Will you please stop saying that?


He's gone.

Maybe he's got
some family contact info in here.

Dude, I know
I'm not calling Neil's parents.

What's in the bag?

- Holy fuck.
- Creepy mask.

A jar with hair in it.

And, like, 12 cans of Mace.

- Look, dude.
- Holy shit.

Holy shit, we actually made it.

This is where Colton grew up, huh?

Smell that? That smells like douche.

No, you will remain in this car.

I will go inside alone and, if we're lucky,
Colton will help us out.

- Why can't I just...
- No. Let me put it another way.

You leave this car,
and our friendship is over.

- But, Roldy, I just...
- Kumar.

Open the door
and I will cut your fucking balls off.

Jesus. OK.

- Balls.
- Go.

Hi, I'm a friend of Colton's.

Thank you.

God damn it.

Vanessa? You OK?

- Kumar? What are you doing here?
- Yeah, let me help you up.

I thought you were going to Amsterdam.

Yeah, me too. It didn't work out.

You all right?

- Now, does this hurt when I touch it?
- Yeah.

- It does?
- Yeah.

This is just what I need.
A limp during the wedding.

Can you move it around in a circle?

OK, that's what I figured. It's just your
ATFL. I don't think you tore it, though.

So a little ice and massage
should do the trick. You'll be fine.

Are you gonna tell me why you're here?

Roldy and I ran into some trouble...

and we figured that maybe
your Colton could help us out.

- Still getting into trouble, huh?
- A little bit.

You remember that time that
you broke into the animal lab...

and, like, stole that monkey and put it
in Andy Rosenberg's dorm room?

OK, first of all,
that was Goldstein's idea...

and second of all...

had I known that the monkey had AIDS,
I never would have done that.

What about you?

You put those disgusting used tampons
in Professor Konop's purse.

- Remember that?
- Come on.

She was a bitch and you know it.

What's going on here?

Hey, she actually fell
and broke her heel here.

Yeah, I twisted my ankle.
Kumar was just looking at it.

- Why aren't you in the car, Kumar?
- Dude, I heard her yell.

I thought I told you
to stay in the car, man.

It's OK, man.

No worries.

Listen, Roldy filled me in
on the situation.

But don't worry. I'll make sure
my dad takes care of everything.

Thanks, man.

In the meantime,
you are going to the doctor.


Ramón. Please bring Vanessa
to Dr. Harris immediately.

Bye, Vanessa. Hope you feel better.

- Bye.
- Bye.


All right.

All right, guys. Jet's all fueled.
You should be home in no time.


Hey, Colton, I can't believe
you're doing this for us...

on the night before your wedding day.

- I really appreciate it. Thank you.
- Please don't mention it.

Just want to make sure
everything works out smoothly.

Are all these planes yours?

No. OK.

Rold, come on, of course they are.

This guy's funny. You're funny.

- Yeah?
- Hey, Colton, man.

Listen, I was wrong about you, dude.
You're not a douchebag.


You know what I mean.
I mean, you're a good dude.

And I'm happy for you and Vanessa.

That's big of you, Kumar.

- I really appreciate it.
- Sure.

I just can't wait to get back, man.

You're going back all right.

This time you're not escaping.


Go! Move, move, move!

You are a douchebag...

- No.
...you fucking douchebag, fuck you!

Yeah. The last thing I was letting
you guys do is ruin my wedding.

- You did this?
- Of course he did this.

I thought we were friends, man.
How could you betray me like this?

Come on, Rold. You and me?

You let me cheat off you
in Advanced Accounting.

Other than that,
I could give a shit about you.

Take 'em away, guys.

When we get out of this I'm gonna
fucking kick your fucking ass, man!

Boy, you're scaring me.

Well, come on, you're not
one of those kung-fu Asians...

you're a fucking pussy banker,
for Christ's sakes.

- Fuck you! Fuck you!
- I'm gonna rip you up, bitch!

- You'd best watch your back, bitch!
- Fuck you, dude!

- Fuck you!
- Fuck you!

I'm awesome.

Looks like you boys picked
the wrong side, huh?

Where's your Koran now?

We're not even Muslim, you moron...

and even if we were,
that doesn't make us terrorists.

Hey! I'm talking to you.
Get back here!

 Metal under tension
beggin' you to touch and go 

 Highway to 

Man. I can't believe we're going back.

Now do you see
why I hate Colton Graham?

Now do you see why I hate you?

I asked you specifically
to stay in the car.

I told you our friendship was at stake.

Vanessa fell down.
And I was helping her.

- I don't want to hear the excuses!
- It's not an excuse!

I don't want to hear the excuses!

- I heard her yelling!
- I don't want to hear it.

I'm sorry.


Look at this. Look at this.

I fucked up, OK?

I fucked up and I always fuck up.
I am a fuck-up.

You think?


you're my best friend, dude.

You mean the world to me, man.
I love you.


And I promise you, if we figure out...

a way to get out of this,
I'm gonna change, OK?

It's not just gonna be
about Kumar all the time.

It'll be about Kumar and Harold.

Harold and Kumar.

I kind of like the first way better.

OK, OK. Harold and Kumar.

Harold and Kumar.

 The hotter the intensity 

It's not all your fault.

Yeah, it is. I brought weed on the plane.

- You got weed?
- No. The other plane.

No, I wish Neil Patrick Harris
were still alive, that guy fucking loves him.

He totally would have
been able to bail us out.

You just gave me an idea, man.

- What?
- I got this.

Hey, Burl...

- I actually still have some weed.
- You do?

- Seriously?
- Yeah. It's in my pants.

- Hold up.
- You want to smoke now?

Just let me...

- Harold, this is definitely not...
...get it.

...the time to smoke.

 Highway to the danger zone 

 Gonna take you
right into the danger zone 

 Highway to the danger zone 

Dude, you took Neil's Mace?

Been through a lot of shit,
figured we might need it.

Well, good call.

Derek, can I get another water?

What the fuck?

- Keep your hands up.
- Please don't shoot us.

- Jesus Christ. OK, OK.
- Please don't shoot.

It will be a cold day in hell
before I let you hijack this plane.

Beecher, what are you doing?

Whose side are you on? I thought
I told you to stay in the cockpit!

Enough, Fox!
I've had enough of your crap!

You think that just because I'm smart...

you can treat me
like some dork in gym class?

It's obvious these kids are innocent.
But you're too dumb to realize that.

You know, it's people like you...

who make the world think
that Americans are stupid!

Well, we're not stupid! And we're not
gonna take this shit anymore!

It's OK, guys.

It's all over now.

Everything's gonna be all right.



I don't wanna die!


- What?
- I have the parachute!

Come over here.

How the fuck am I supposed to do that?


Holy shit.

It's fucking working!


I love you, dude.


Don't worry about him. I have an idea.

- What?
- Hang on.

Fuck you!

Man, that was so fuckin' extreme.

It was.

- Kumar?
- Yeah.

Our dicks are touching, aren't they?

Yeah, I guess they are.

- Yeah.
- OK, I was just checking.

Roldy, can you move us out of the way?
There's a house coming up down here.

I have no idea what I'm doing.


The glass hurt my dick.
The glass hurt my dick.

I think I'm OK. Yeah.

- Dude. Dude.
- Oh, my God.

- No, shit, dude. You all right?
- Fuck! I think so!

We gotta get out of here before
the people who live here find us.

I know. They're gonna be...

Dude? Dude?

What's up?

- No.
- Holy shit!

What the hell are y'all
doing in my office?

You'd better start giving me
some answers!

We're gonna be late for that wedding.

Shit. It's Cheney. Come on, you guys.
Keep quiet. Follow me.

That guy scares the crap out of me.
Let's go hide in the guesthouse.

- Come the fuck on.
- I'm coming.


- This is a cool room.
- Yeah.

Yeah, this is where
I come to escape from work.

- Here?
- Yes, sir.

- So who the heck are you guys?
- All right.

My name is Harold Lee, sir...

and this is Kumar Patel.

Anyway, we were on a parachute
and we sort of landed on your ranch.

Dude, this is weed.

That's Alabama Kush.

That's only the finest.

So you get high and then you put
other people who smoke weed in jail?

- That's so hypocritical.
- Dude, look...

Yeah? Well, let me ask you
something, Kumar.

- You like giving hand jobs?
- No, sir.

- You like getting hand jobs?
- Yeah.

All right. Well, that makes you
a fucking hypocriticizer too.

So shut the fuck up
and smoke my weed.

Hey, love.

What are you doing here? It's bad luck.
The ceremony starts in a hour.

I just want to let you know...

I had catering get an extra case
of Coors Light...

in case the President comes.

It's his favorite beer.

- Do you think that'll be enough?
- I don't know. Yes?

Who cares?

Look, were you able to work
everything out with Kumar and Harold?

Don't worry, Chestnut.
I took complete care of 'em.

They thought you guys were terrorizers.

Wait. That's not funny, man.
They sent us to Guantánamo Bay.

Fuck! G. Bay?

Tell me you didn't eat
that cockmeat sandwich.

No. No, we did not eat the cockmeat
sandwich. We escaped, thank God.

That cockmeat sandwich.
That's my favorite.

Oh, my God.

- This is good shit.
- I know. I know.

- I laced it with blow.
- Fuck.

So it knocks you out, and it keeps you
going at the same time.

If you like weed so much,
why don't you just legalize it?

Are you fucking kidding me?

You know how pissed off
my dad would get if I did that?

Holy shit, dude.

My dad's all up in my shit too,
about this whole...

- med school thing, right?
- I know.

And it's not that I don't
want to be a doctor, but like...

fucking... sometimes I wonder
if he's just encouraging me...

because he knows it'll make me happy...

or because he wants me
to carry on his legacy, you know?

You just blew my fuckin' mind.

- Hi.
- Hi. You look good.


Yeah, it's W.

I don't need your friends
to tell me what to do anymore.

- No, I'm not being disrespectful.
- That's what I say.

I'm just saying that
I can handle my own shit, all right?

I mean, I don't need them to tell me
how to do what I have to do.

Yeah, dude!

Yeah, well you know what?
Yeah, well, fuck you, Dad.

Fuck you!

- Dude, that was awesome.
- You guys are awesome.

- No. No.
- You're awesome!

- You are awesomer.
- Sir, you are awesome.


Listen, about our situation...

Fuck that. Listen, guys, guys, guys.
I am the fucking President, all right?

That means I get to pardon whoever
I want. You guys are in the fuckin' clear.

Don't worry.

- Holy shit. Are you serious? Thank you.
- Oh, my God. Thank you, Mr. President.


- Thank you. Thank you.
- Don't mention it.

But, listen, to be honest, after
all the shit that we've been through...

I don't know if we can trust
our government anymore.

- Trust the government?
- Yeah.

Heck. I'm in the government
and I don't even trust it.

You don't have to believe in your
government to be a good American.

You just have to believe in your country.


- Exactly.
- Right.

This is good shit, isn't it?

Yeah, it is.

If you guys need anything else,
just let me know, all right?

Actually, Mr. President,
there is one thing.

- This really came out great.
- Yeah, it did, man.

I lit a lot of these candles.


- All clear.
- Safe to proceed.

He's here! I knew he'd come.

All right, let 'em in.

- What is happen...
- Who is that?

- Harold?
- Kumar?

Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize
for interrupting this beautiful ceremony.

But there is no way in hell...

that I'm letting the only woman
I've ever loved marry that piece of shit.

Security, get them out of here, please.

These guys?
No, see, they're with us. Yeah.

Looks like I got a little more pull
with the President than you, bitch.

- What the hell is going on?
- I'll tell you what's going on.

Your fiancé promised
to get us out of trouble.

But instead he arranged for us
to be sent back to Guantánamo Bay...

where we'd be forced
to suck Big Bob's fat dick.

- Is this true?
- Yeah, it's true.

I'll take care of this myself.

- OK, wait.
- No...

You son of a bitch.

I loved you, man.

- I can't believe this.
- Vanessa, let me explain...


Explain why you're putting me through...

the most embarrassing moment
of my life?

Well, what if I did
something embarrassing to myself?

Would that make you feel better?

There's nothing you can do
that would be this embarrassing.

I fear that I will always be
A lonely number like root three

A three is all that's good and right

Why must my three keep out of sight
Beneath a vicious square-root sign?

I wish instead I were a nine

For nine could thwart this evil trick
With just some quick arithmetic

I know I'll never see the sun

As 1.
You fucking tool.

Quiet, anus.

Such is my reality
A sad irrationality

When, hark, just what is this I see?

Another square root of a three

Has quietly come waltzing by

Together now we multiply

To form a number we prefer

Rejoicing as an integer

We break free from our mortal bonds

And with a wave of magic wands

Our square-root signs become unglued

And love for me has been renewed

You were right.

- That was pretty lame.
- Told you.

Look, I can't promise you
the kind of lifestyle that Colton could.

And I can't promise you
that I'm gonna mature overnight.

But what I can promise you is that...

Sorry, I smoked weed
with the President.

I totally forgot
what I was going to say.

I can promise you
that I will always love you.

And I'll never try and make you
into something that you're not.

So, what do you say
you take a brother back?

Only if you promise to get me
out of this awkward situation...

as soon as possible.

Come here.


That's my boy!


Come on.
Let's get the hell back to Jersey.

All right, hold on. First we gotta
do something for my buddy here.

- Got to go somewhere.
- Where?

 Ooh, baby, do you know
what that's worth? 

 Ooh, heaven is a place on earth 

 They say in heaven love comes first 

 We'll make heaven a place on earth 

 Ooh, heaven is a place on earth 

- Hey.
- Hey.

- No luck, huh?
- No.

Called every hotel in the city.
I walked all around.

I just can't find her anywhere.

- We'll find her.
- We'll find her, dude.


Oh, my God, there she is.

- Roldy, she's hot.
- Dude, go get her!

Jesus, I'm sorry, man.

- So fuck it. Forget about that.
- Yeah.

It's probably
just some Amsterdam fling, all right?

We'll go back to the Jerz...

- in a couple of days, all right?
- No.

No, fuck it.

I came way too far.

We went through too much shit to...

I'm gonna talk to her.

No, no, no, dude, don't go in there.

- Come on.
- Just wait.

Come on, man.
Wait till we get back to Jersey.

What the fuck are you doing?

- C'est quoi ton putain de problème, toi?
- Harold!

I didn't understand what you said.

- What the fuck are you doing?
- What the fuck are you doing, man?

- You're ruining my shot.
- You what?

Get off my set!

I'm so confused. What's...

- What's going on?
- Harold, I'm doing a photo shoot.

For High Times magazine.

Of course, you're a model.
You're very hot. You're a model.

Right. I always wondered
what you did for a living.

I'm sorry. So, wait a second.
So you're not with this dude?

Are you kidding? Me?

- Yeah.
- No.

Anton is like totally gay.

Harold, what are you doing here?

I didn't want to wait ten days
to see you...

so I thought
I would come and surprise you.

That is so sweet.

OK. It's sweet.

I've been thinking about you
this whole time.

- You have?
- I have.

- I missed you so much.
- I missed you.

Fuck yeah, dude.

Bang bang, Roldy.

Hello, Maria. My name is Kumar.

- I've heard so much about you.
- Hi.

This is Vanessa. Vanessa, Maria.

- Hey.
- Hey. How you doing?

Ladies and Roldy, how would you
like to get really fucking high...

since we're in Amsterdam?

- Yeah.
- Shall we?

- Sounds like a plan.
- Let's do it.

 So in the beginning
there was hum from a poet 

 Whose pulse felt drum, drum, drum 

 He would perform praise and all 

 Till one day he heard a voice call
come, come, come 

 Suspicious, he moved,
it was his cost 

 His missus he thinks
is a little lost 

 People get held back
by the voice inside 'em 

 Yeah, the voice said
the voices speak inside you 

 Rejoice and please let me invite you
to evil, greed and lies too 

 Yeah, confusing days,
he moved aways 

-  He soon became 
-  Boom boom boom 

 A knock on his door,
his heart is no more 

 A knock on his door,
his soul is no more 


 That was in the beginning 

 The cops beat him
when all he wants is his freedom 

 So they defeat him,
whatever spirit he's got, beat him 

 And they teach him the rest of the world
don't need him 

 And he believes the disease
that he's heathen 

 Put up your fists
if all you want is freedom 

 Put up your fists if all you want is 

 That was in the beginning 

 And things change 

 Yeah, yeah, yeah 

 We keep holding on
and we keep being strong 

 And we keep going on,
and on and on and on 

 And we keep holding on
and we keep being strong 

 And we keep going on
and on and on and on 

 And we keep holding on
and we keep being strong 

 And we keep going on
and on and on and on 

 And we keep holding on
and we keep being strong 

 And we keep going on
and on and on and on 

-  Brothers and sisters 
-  Yeah 

-  We're gonna have church tonight 
-  Yeah, yeah! 

 And tonight this speaker
is Reverend Rufus Johnson 

 I wake up praising God every day 

 I wanna smoke some weed
and roll me a J 

-  Thank you, Jesus 
-  Thank you, Jesus 

-  Thank you, Lord 
-  Thank you, Lord 

 For lettin' me live another day, hey, hey 

-  Nigger, I'm high, nigger, you high 
-  Uh-huh 

 Let's get higher than
the motherfucking sky 

 Watch the butterflies hit the wall 

 And if you're feeling down
give your boy a call 

 Weed, it takes the stress away, that's
why Bizarre smokes ten blunts a day 

 It's nothing
but the sticky, icky, green stuff 

 Light it, pass it and take a puff 

 Having a bad day, stop by my house 

 'Cause most likely
I got a blunt in my mouth 

 So sit down, relax and chill 

 And if you don't smoke weed
then, shit, I got some pills 

 What you need, girl, a fucking refill? 

 A fat bag of weed
and some Happy Meals? 

 Nah, baby, I don't smoke Newports,
only fat bags of weed in this Escort 

 I wake up praising God every day 

 I wanna smoke some weed
and roll me a J 

-  Thank you, Jesus 
-  Thank you, Jesus 

-  Thank you, Lord 
-  Thank you, Lord 

 For lettin' me live another day, hey, hey 

 Sunday morning, Bizarre have faith
Blunt in my mouth, watching TJ drink 

 Dangerous mind, just like Coolio 

 Only church I know
is Snoop Dogg's studio 

 Write out some raps,
throw it in my lap 

 Grab the Hennessy, get the acid tab 

 I'm glad that
I didn't move down South 

 Take care of my kids,
be the man of the house 

 Orange mushrooms and yellow stars
Fat bags of beetles in Mason jars 

 Get in the lap, come on, jump in 

 Bring a bottle of gin,
and two of your freaky friends 

 Fuck it! Let's go to see the point 

 Bring your son along,
shit, he can hit the joint 

 'Cause rapping is a full-time job 

 All I want is smoke weed
and praise God, yeah 

 I wake up praising God every day 

 I wanna smoke some weed
and roll me a J 

-  Thank you, Jesus 
-  Thank you, Jesus 

-  Thank you, Lord 
-  Thank you, Lord 

 For lettin' me live another day, hey, hey 

 Break it down, yeah 

 We gonna slow it down right here 

 We havin' church up in here tonight
It's the Reverend Rufus Johnson 

 And we sittin' over here
at sixteen five-o, cone it 

 And ladies and gentlemen,
come in, praise God with us 

 I wake up praising God every day 

 I wanna smoke some weed
and roll me a J 

-  Thank you, Jesus 
-  Thank you, Jesus 

-  Thank you, Lord 
-  Thank you, Lord 

-  Thank you, Jesus 
-  Thank you, Jesus 

-  Thank you, Lord 
-  Thank you, Lord 

 For lettin' me live another day, hey, hey 

-  Sunday morning 
-  I wake up praising 

-  Baptist 
-  God every day 

-  Catholic, Jehovah Witness 
-  I wanna smoke some weed 

-  Tabernacle, yeah 
-  And 

-  Roll me a J 
-  Come praise God 

 Thank you, Jesus 

-  Thank you, Jesus 
-  Yeah 

-  Thank you, Lord
-  Services 

-  Thank you, Lord 
-  Sunday 

-  For letting me 
-  At 4:20 

-  Live another day 
-  Brothers and sisters, Sunday at 4:20 

 Come on, praise God 

 Just 'cause you smoke weed
don't mean you're a sinner 

-  What? 
-  Just 'cause you smoke weed 

 It don't mean you don't believe in God 

 Jesus will take care of you 


 You need Jesus 


Special thanks to SergeiK.