Heaven Can Wait Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Heaven Can Wait script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Warren Beatty and Julie Christie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of War Of The Roses. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Heaven Can Wait Script



  -  ! Go!



All right. You take the inside.



On this one,

you take the inside.   ...



Ready, set...



 -  !



Back! Throw! Throw the ball!

Touchdown, Joe.



- What?

- Pendleton. He's looking awful good.



Fall into it.

All right. Come on, baby.



Set... Good movement.

Let's try it again.



 -  !



- He's looking awful good.

- Here we go!



Hustle back, hustle back.

Come on, guys. Come on.



Opposite left, play past   .

X-curl on  . Ready? Break.



 -  set!



- Play past   ...

-  -  !



Pass! Pass! Pass!

Ball! Ball! Ball!



Once again, we had a foul-up

on that scrimmage.



The fullback has been

slow getting up for his block.



The guard almost ran into him.

We got to do it till it's right.



Formation left.

Screen right on  . Ready?



Right, left! Right, left!



 - ... Set!  -  !



Looking awful good.



I'm thinking of starting him

on Sunday.



- What about Jarrett?

- Pendleton's looking better.



 -  !



Pass! Pass! Pass!



Ball! Ball! Ball!



- Is he still on cortisone?

- No.



Any kind of painkiller?



- Nothing.

- He's looking awful good.



I never saw a knee like that

heal without surgery.



- He's looking awful good.

- Looking good.



- Hi, Joe. How's the knee?

- Good.



What do you think

of the Rams' chances?



We're going to the Super Bowl to win.



- No, off the record.

- Off the record?



We're going to the Super Bowl to win.



- Sure. What about your competition?

- Competition?



- Jarrett.

- My competition's    other teams.



- Max?

- Yeah!



- How you doing?

- What's in this brown stuff?



- That's mainly whipped liver.

- Liver?



I put a little whey in it, then mix it

with a little alfalfa sprouts,



and some bean curd and spinach.



It's nice, isn't it?

It's a liver and whey shake.



Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you



Happy birthday, dear Joe

Happy birthday to you



I didn't think anybody knew.

Thanks for coming, Max.



- Put it here.

- I hope you have a lot more.



What's this?



You know something? At my age,

in any other business, I'd be young.



Look at it this way...



Soon you can get into another

business and have a real life.



I don't know what that means.



This is the only business I know

that's real. I'm stuck.



What do you mean, stuck?



I've been working my whole life

to get a chance to do something...



I don't know if I'm ever going

to get a chance to do it.



- No, it's all right.

- I'll fix your neck.



- Don't do that, Joe.

- Wait a minute.



- How's that?

- Oh, boy. Yeah.



It scares the hell out of me

every time you do that.



If you don't watch how your trapezius

goes into your deltoids,



you're going to throw off your entire

cervical and your lumbar areas.



Since I'm the only guy

knows how to fix that,



- you should listen to me.

- Maybe you should trade places.



You be the trainer.

I'll start on Sunday.



Yeah... what?



- I'm starting against Dallas?

- Yeah.



They don't want Jarrett.

They want you.



Happy birthday, Joe.



My watch stopped.

It keeps flashing the same time.



I'm dreaming, huh?



This is an aeroplane dream.



I forget what they mean.

I think they're a good sign.



Mr Pendleton.



Mr Pendleton, you must wait for me.

I'm your escort.



Wait for me, please, Mr Pendleton.



The end of the line,

Mr Pendleton, please.



Hi. How you doing?

You want to hear a little music?



- You have to wait in line.

- What? This is my dream, isn't it?



You mustn't get out of line. Really!



- Chamberlain, Paul R.

- All right.



I've brought the final passenger.

This manifest is complete.



- Hi.

- You cannot board before your turn.



I don't need a turn.

I'm not boarding.



You don't understand.

This is not your ultimate destination.



That will take you to it.



I'm not going. I'm going to run

around till I wake up.



I'm afraid I haven't fully explained

how this system is organised.



The rules derive from yours,



a product of your image and that

of those who share your image.



If you violate the rules, the principles...



You want to see a trick?



I do this to keep

my abductor pollicis limber.



I don't have a lot of patter with it.



Feel that. That's a   -cent piece.



I just throw that

into that hand, you see.



I say the magic words, "Abracadabra",

and then presto, it's gone.



Now, you probably think

I still have it.



You're wrong, 'cause I can see it

coming out of your ear.



The only trick I know.



- Mr Pendleton!

- Gentlemen?



Gentlemen, what's the delay?



We've received a new arrival

who refuses to board.



That's impossible. Have you

explained the rules to him?



- Yes, sir.

- Quite clearly?



- Yes, sir.

- And what was his rebuttal?



He took a coin out of my ear.



Did he? Perhaps I should

have a word with him.



Yes, sir. Mr Pendleton!



He's right over there, sir.



- Mr Pendleton!

- Yeah. You can call me Joe.



How you doing?



Mr Pendleton,

do you know where you are?



I'm in the middle

of a really weird dream.



- You see the problem?

- Joe, come here.



Look at me and listen carefully

to what I'm saying.



- This is not a dream.

- Yeah.



Life has a certain quality

all its own, a certain feeling.



So do dreams.

You know that this is not life.



And you know now

that this is not a dream.



This is a place that comes

after life and after dreams.



I'm sure you're aware of that, and

you'll take your place with the others.



Are you telling me...?



- I'm not supposed to be here.

- But you are here.



You guys made a mistake.



This is insupportable.

You're talking to Mr Jordan.



- Anybody can make a mistake.

- Mr Jordan, we're due to take off.



I have the situation in hand.

Joe, if you don't take your place,



the others can't complete

their journey. Is that fair?



I'm not supposed to be fair, you are.

I didn't make any mistake.



This is not heaven,

it's a way station. There's no mistake.



I want a check-out

on Joseph Pendleton.



When is he due at this way station?



Sir, I don't understand.

A check-out? Why?



The likelihood

of one individual being right



increases in proportion to how much

others try to prove him wrong.



Pendleton, Joseph. Due to arrive

  .   am, March   th,     .



Sir, I really can't believe it.



I took him out...

just before the accident.



You did what?!



You're not supposed to do that,

you must wait for the outcome.



But I was so sure, and it looked

like it would be painful.



- Wait. Are you saying...?

- Is this your first assignment?



- Yes, sir.

- Haven't you learned the rules?



Every question of life and death

is a probability until the outcome.



So he jumped the gun.



Just put me back

and we'll forget the whole thing.



This man must be put back

into his body at once.



Thanks, Mr Jordan.

I'll see you in about    years.



- Max, I'm back.

- He can't hear you, Mr Pendleton.



I hope they got the best football

team in America in heaven,



and I hope God makes you




I'm going to get my body back.

Where's my body?



- Oh, dear.

- Cremated. I see.



I'm starting against Dallas

on Sunday.



The body you occupied

on Earth has been cremated.



Uncremate me! You must be able

to do something right.



Do the words "not being a good sport"

mean anything to you?



We can put you

into another man's body,



provided his death

has not yet been discovered.



Are you kidding? Put me

into the body of another man?



I just got my body back in shape.



The only way you can return

to life is in the body of another man.



I shall have to take charge

of this case personally.



Incredibly graceful. He's about

your age and in perfect condition.



He's too short.

He'd never see over the line.



You know what kind of shape you gotta

be in to get to the Super Bowl?



Yes, Joe. I understand.



- He's not talking English.

- I told you he was German.



- Hey, you talk any English?

- We can't be seen or heard, Joe.



Well, I don't want to talk German.



I gotta call the plays in English.



Joe, if you could not so much lower

but broaden your standards.



We've seen many bodies

and the choices are becoming limited.



- Julia, I beg of you...

- I want a drink.



- Dearest, please!

- I've got to have a drink.



Mr Farnsworth loathes

cold cucumber soup.



Hey, this is some house.

Who lives here?



Leo Farnsworth,

a man of enormous power.



Thank you, Sisk.



Just leave the door open

as you leave, Sisk. Thank you.



The more servants who see us,

the better.



- This guy? You're kidding!

- That's not Farnsworth.



Give me a drink.



- Who are they?

- Farnsworth's wife and secretary.



- You hate me.

- Don't be ridiculous. I love you.



I want a drink now! Tony...



It would be better

if you didn't drink.



How long will it be

before they find him?



I don't know, darling. Not long.



- I'm glad we did it.

- We couldn't help it.



It would be better if you'd try

not to unravel now. Thank you, Julia.



- Is Farnsworth dead yet?

- Not yet.



What's the matter with him?

He can't keep his eyes open.



He's been drugged by those two

downstairs. This is a murder.



You see how he's slowly

sliding into the water?



Hey, somebody, get...!



Hey, get a doctor. There's a guy...



Get a doctor. You got a guy

drowning in the bathtub.



- You left a pot on the carpet.

- I can't hold everything at once.



Mrs Farnsworth would kill you

if she saw that.



Hey, somebody! You got...



- Give me a drink!

- Please don't go overboard, dear.



He was a lecherous sadist.

Everyone wanted him dead.



- I should be canonised!

- Perhaps one drink.



- Where can the man be?

- I'm sorry, Miss Logan...



What harm can that do him?



- That's enough.

- He deserves to be dead.



They didn't? No kidding?

They're murderers.



What's going on?



I'm sorry, sir. It's Miss Logan

to see Mr Farnsworth.



- Show her in.

- Yes, sir.



It's the perfect alibi.

She insists on seeing him.



- Let's find another body.

- A servant will find him.



Excuse yourself and keep Sisk

with you at all times...



- Let's get out of here.

- Miss Logan, sir.



Miss Logan. I'm Tony Abbott.



This is the library.

That's Mrs Farnsworth.



Hello. I'm going

into the living room.



- Want to come, Sisk?

- Certainly, madam.



I'm Mr Farnsworth's personal

and private executive secretary.



I didn't know whether you knew that.

I'm sorry he's not down yet.



That's all right. I'll wait.



- Would you take a seat?

- No, thank you.



Perhaps you'd like

to tell me what it's about.



Mr Farnsworth has been sent

hundreds of letters



from Pagglesham in England.



The people who live there,

     including my father,



are to be evicted from their homes



to make way for the proposed

Exo-Grey refinery.



Hundreds of families

will be forced to find other homes.



The few who remain

will have their health endangered



by poisoning of their air and water,



the evidence for which I have here,



along with a petition signed

by the      citizens of that area.



This is what I'm here about.



Mr Farnsworth conducts business

at his office.



I've been to his office.

He refused to see me.



- I doubt he'd see you here.

- He'll have to, I'm not leaving.



- I'm sorry?

- I'm not leaving.



I've come      miles to do something

about a terrible injustice



that this man has perpetrated

on hundreds of defenceless people.



- Somebody ought to help her.

- You can. You can be Farnsworth.



If Mr Farnsworth doesn't see me,

I don't know what I'll do.



- Is that a threat?

- Yes.



I'd like to help,

but not as Farnsworth.



- The decision is yours.

- You give me no choice. Sisk!



If I had to be Farnsworth,

could we do it temporary?



Yes. We could arrange that

if you wish it.



Sisk, please tell Mr Farnsworth

Miss Logan refuses to leave.



Yes, sir.



If you really want to help her,

you'd better hurry.



- Well, it's only temporary, right?

- That's correct.



Only Farnsworth can help her.



Once the body's discovered,

it'll be too late.



That's me. I haven't changed.



- It's just me.

- Mr Farnsworth?



- Now what do we do?

- Are you there, sir?



I'll never get away with this.

What will we do now?



Are you all right?



- Answer him.

- People can hear me now?



- Of course.

- But he knows the other guy's voice.



Mr Farnsworth,

is everything all right?



Answer him.



Will you take it easy?

I'll be out in a minute.



- Very good, sir.

- It works.



Of course. You haven't changed.



You're still Joe Pendleton.

That's what you and I see.



But outwardly, you're Leo Farnsworth,

and that's what everyone else sees.



Miss Logan is downstairs, sir.



She insists on seeing you.

Will you dress?



- Sure, sure.

- Very good, sir.



You mean I sound like this guy,

no matter what I talk like?



- I beg your pardon, Mr Farnsworth?

- You see?



Julia, please, dear.



- Please, dear, not now. Not now.

- I want a sip.



You're sorry you have me, aren't you?

You wish he were alive.



- Julia, please.

- Why don't you say it's not true?



- You didn't say it's not true.

- It's not true.



Say it again.



Darling, it's not true.

I don't hate you. I love you.



- There, sir.

- Thank you.



Your helmet, sir.

Your polo helmet, sir.



- Thanks. Do I play polo?

- Not really, sir.



- Sir?

- Thank you.



- This Logan girl is a godsend.

- What's taking so long?



Pretend you're reading.



- Miss Logan, sir.

- Hi. How you doing?



I'm not leaving until you've heard

what I have to say.



Oh, yeah. Well, good.



Mr Farnsworth, you've been sent

hundreds of letters from Pagglesham.



- I know about that.

- Have you read the letters?



- Well, no.

- No. I suspected as much.



That's why I've flown over here.

I and the      people I represent,



whose names are on this petition,



will not allow their futures

to be determined by bureaucrats



at the beck and call

of industrialists like yourself,



for whom the elderly and children

are just figures in a ledger.



- Do I make myself clear?

- But...



There are no buts. You can call

your guards and have me dragged out.



- It would be bad publicity.

- Why don't just sit down?



- I prefer to stand.

- We can stand.



I've made it my business to find out

about Exo-Grey Industries.



Facts that would make

interesting newspaper copy.



- Your tea, Mr Farnsworth.

- Oh, right... Yeah. My tea.



Will there be anything else,

Mr Farnsworth?



No. I think that's about it.



Thanks a lot. You want some tea?



I want to know what

you're going to do about Pagglesham.




It's what we're talking about!



These people care

that their community



isn't destroyed in the name

of free enterprise.



A community where families

have lived for generations...



I know about Pagglesham...



These people will not let you

intimidate and frighten them.



I don't frighten anybody.



- What in God's name was that?

- Well, that was...



...my... Mrs Farnsworth.



Sorry to disturb you. Mrs Farnsworth

saw a mouse, but she's better now.



- She just saw a mouse?

- No, outside. But she relives it.



I'll be in the other room

if you need me, sir. Excuse me.



- What's the matter with her?

- Well, listen...



- It's really none of my business.

- Your wife's not your business?



You don't understand...



We will never let you build

that refinery.



All right. I'll build my refinery

in some other place.



Very funny. If you think I'm going

back to Pagglesham, you're wrong.



I know you're not afraid of me.



You think a schoolteacher is no

challenge for a famous industrialist,



- but believe me...

- Will you please listen?



Just be quiet a minute.

Just let me say one thing.



- What is it?

- Sit down.






I think I can explain something

that'll clear this whole thing up.



I'm not really Leo Farnsworth.



- What?

- My name is Joe.



Very funny. I'm sure you enjoy

playing these insulting little games.



However, I know about

your board meeting on Thursday,



which may mean nothing to you,



but if you think you can treat women

with the same contempt



your company treats

communities of the world,



you've a lot to learn about

the strength of people like myself.



Don't think you're getting away

with this. You're not!



You got till that meeting

on Thursday



to find me a body

that can play quarterback.



Darling, I'm going to let you go.



I'm going to let you go now.

Please stop screaming.



Listen. There is nothing

to be frightened of.



There's plenty to be worried about,

but nothing to be frightened of.



Are you all right? Can I trust you?

Yes, dearest?



- You locked me in a closet.

- For a moment.



- What did you tell him?

- You saw a mouse.



Look, I'm no good

at spur-of-the-moment alibis.



He's probably got enough evidence

to lock us away forever.



I don't understand this.

I saw him inhale the nose spray.



He never really inhaled it.

He overheard us somehow.



Maybe he's got us bugged right now.



No, an electronics expert

sweeps the place daily.



- He's afraid of being bugged, too.

- He's playing with us.



He's playing a game with us,

that's what it is.



- You locked me in a closet. Why?

- Hello.



Mr Farnsworth would like

to see you now.



Yes, indeed. Would you

excuse me, Mrs Farnsworth?



Yes, of course, Mr Abbott.



We could raise it at the meeting,

but I'm sure it's legal.



But can't something be legal

but still wrong?



- In what sense?

- Bad for somebody else.



- What are you referring to?

- Like this refinery in Pagglesham.



- Was that the living room?

- That was my office.



- My coordination is shot?

- Yes, sir.



- Just not my day.

- No, sir.



I wanted to discuss the Haitian

arrangement. The  .  million acres.



-  .  million acres?

- The sugar deal.



- It's no good.

- The deal?



- No, the sugar. It's bad for the body.

- Shall I speak to the ambassador?



No, check on Pagglesham,

see if we're hurting anybody.



- If we're hurting anybody?

- Yeah.



Is the wicket bugged?



We certainly wouldn't

want to hurt anybody.



That's the last thing Exo-Grey

would ever want to do, right?



Yeah. We don't want to hurt anybody.

Thank you.






He pretended not to know

what a stockholder was!



I can't tell if he's toying with me

or actually precipitating a crisis.



He's toying.

He won't forget being drugged.



- Why would he pretend?

- Why pretend to inhale the spray?



To bait us,

waiting for us to crack.



Do you think he's playing

that saxophone? It's a tape.



That's why we keep hearing

the same song.



It's like those

idiot costumes of his...



You are dumb, aren't you?



Thanks. Thank you.



Their magic number is one,



meaning a Ram victory Sunday

or next week against the Falcons



or a   er loss, and the Rams clinch

the NFL Western Division title.



The way they're playing,



the team feels this is the Rams' year

to go to the Super Bowl.



Jarrett has completed

an astounding   % of his passes



for    touchdowns.



The defence has given up

but    points a game,



while the offence

scores    points a game.



Their record is the best...



What you mean is

nobody should have that information,



because if two big companies get

together, they're worth more money?



Yes, sir.



That's why the rumour of a merger

makes the price of the stock rise.



If it's supposed to be a secret,

how does the rumour start?



Wrong as it seems,

they leak it.



- But that's dishonest.

- Yes, it is.



If I got a board meeting tomorrow,



I got to study tonight.



- Yes, sir.

- How you doing down there?



I'm doing fine.

Thank you very much. Very well.



Thanks. Thanks a lot.



Say, thanks for dinner.



I think we should do it right away.



Sisk, may we have some

more coffee, please?



And now for your hat, sir.



The homburg or the bowler,



or something that makes

more of a statement?



Whatever you say. Why have I got

so many of these sailor outfits?



Sir, you have

always fancied the sea.



- Do I sail?

- Not really, sir.



Helen Rich from The Times.

I have a petition from Pagglesham.



Do you plan to do anything?



We're considering it.

We have to be going. Excuse us.



Is it true that the new factories

will displace    communities?



- Is it that many?

- They granted permits, didn't they?



- I guess so, if we got 'em.

- How did you get those permits?



Beats me. I guess we bribed somebody.



- He's joking.

- Funny.



Really, we must be going.



- What about Acrilonitrile?

- What about what?



The toxic substance released

by the plastic bottles you market,



despite the lawsuit forcing you

to delay until the effects are tested.



- We really must go.

- I've been studying this thing.



I've got it figured out, so come

and see what's going on yourselves.



- You can't have outsiders...

- Sure we can. Come in, everybody.



Is he kidding?



Hi. How you doing, everybody?



These people are

newspaper reporters.



I thought it would be good

if they saw how we did things.



This is a very dangerous precedent.



We have a full agenda today already.

We don't have time for a press...



Is it true that an accident

in your nuclear plant



could stimulate seismic activity

in the San Andreas Fault,



and destroy

most of southern California?



I think you'd have

to define "destroy".



Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen,

I'd like to make something clear.



The Exo-Grey nuclear facility

has a foolproof



built-in safety system that

guarantees no danger of any kind.



That's rubbish.



If there's no danger,

why are we in a lawsuit?



It's a protest, not a lawsuit.



The point is

we're doing something wrong.



Everybody's suing us.

We got a lawsuit from a refinery...



...a nuclear lawsuit,

a guy named Porpoise is suing us.



Mr Farnsworth,

that's an ecological suit



against our canning factory

for destroying porpoises.



- For God's sake, he knows that.

- We can porpoises?



Our San Diego fleet...



As everybody knows, we can tuna,



and in netting the tuna,

we kill a number of porpoises.



Since they're mammals

of alleged high intelligence,



there's been an outcry.



Yeah, well... Yeah... Yeah.



I would just like

to ask you a question.



- Why is he bringing the press here?

- You know Leo Farnsworth.



- Maybe I don't know him.

- Exactly.



We have responsibility

to thousands of shareholders



of moderate means, less well off than

the ecological groups fighting us.



If we were a football team,

would you call this a winning season?



I haven't the faintest...



Just generally. Would you say

we got a winning season?



On balance,

we've had an extremely good year.



We've got a winning season.



What do you do

when you're ahead?



- I don't know what you want.

- You don't make mistakes.



You don't gamble unnecessarily.

You protect your lead.



You don't pass from your own end.

You make sure nobody gets hurt.



You got to use these guys

in the next game.



We won this game. We got to stay

in shape for the rest of the game.



It's like when everybody was supposed

to stop eating grapes.



I didn't because I like grapes.

A lot of guys will keep eating tuna.



What if we had a good-guy

tuna company on the porpoise team?



A lot of guys would buy that so

their kids wouldn't get mad at them.



I don't think they're

taking into account the expense.



We don't care how much it costs,

just how much it makes.



If it costs too much,

we charge a penny more.



Would you pay more

to save a fish who thinks?



- That's not bad.

- We handle all lawsuits that way.



Let other teams build plants

in the wrong places.



Let the other quarterback

throw a gurgle



so newspapers get hold of it

and stockholders don't like it.



Let's be the team that makes

the rules, plays fair,



that gets the best contract,

that's popular.



Forget these nuclear power plants

until we know they're safe.



That Pagglesham refinery,

we'll have to relocate it.



It'll cost us $   million,

but we don't care,



because we'll come out ahead

in the end.



That plastic stuff we're making,

we'll have to stop.



We're not here for just one game.



We're going all the way

to the Super Bowl!



And we'll already have won!



- Hi. How you doing?

- Fine, thank you. Very well...



What's happening?



... give the Rams advantage

through the playoffs.



The Super Bowl is set

for the Coliseum.



If he weren't going to be dead soon,

he'd need years of psychiatric help.



Let's do it tonight.



The Rams will probably face Dallas

in the opening round. If they win...



- Mr Pendleton.

- Hey!



Am I glad to see you.

Line up any bodies yet?



We haven't got a lot of time. If...



... and only four measly field goals...



Hi. I... I'm just...



- What's up?

- Some interesting probabilities.



I kept my word to Betty Logan.

Did you find a body in good shape?



I want to see some bodies.



... someone who can throw.

The Super Bowl's coming up.



You must have checked out

a lot of bodies...



- Who is it?

- It's Sisk, sir.



Come in, Sisk.



Sorry to disturb you, Mr Farnsworth,

but Miss Logan is downstairs



and asks if she might have

a moment of your time.



- Tell her I'll be right down.

- Very good, sir.



Do you...? Do you wish

the door closed, sir?



Closed is fine. Thank you.



Do your best.

I gotta find out what she wants.



I don't know what you must think

of me after my behaviour,



but I feel I must tell you what

an extraordinary thing you did today.



- Really quite extraordinary.

- You don't have to say...



- Because I...

- It's...



You know what? You look a little

pale. You want something to eat?



- Well...

- I'll be right back.



Bentley. Everett. Miss Logan's

going to have dinner with us.



Whip up a liver and whey shake.

Where you going?



Oh, I thought...



You thought I meant to go out.

Sisk, we're going out. Come on.



Bentley! Everett!

We're going out and eat. Good idea.



- Which hat would you prefer?

- Look, I don't want a hat.



I'm sick of hats. Don't show me

any more hats. Understand?



Yes, sir. No more hats.



- Do you eat here often?

- Are you...? Now, look...



I just didn't think you'd want people

to see you out with a guy like me.



I see.



Pick up   . Pick up   .



I'm sorry. I just can't stop

staring at you.



I seem to be staring at you, too.



Even when I was trying to hate you,

I saw something else.



- Something...

- What?



In your eyes. Does that sound silly?



When you see that, it doesn't matter

who a person is or anything.



What is it?



This isn't what I thought

was going to happen to me.



Listen, I got to talk

to somebody right away.



Would you mind if I took you home?



- Good night.

- Good night.



By the way, I'm getting a divorce.



But you're not even separated.



Sure we are. It's a big house.



- How you doing, Bentley?

- Fine, sir.



I don't want that body

we talked about.



Something happened tonight...



This is an outrage.



We've gone to enormous difficulty

to find an athlete.



I wanted it, but something happened

with Betty Logan and now I don't.



I'll get Farnsworth into shape.



I'll get Corkle to help me.



- Back in there?

- Oh, yes.



I can do it. I know more about

getting into shape than anybody.



- So hold up on that body.

- Hold up?



Tell Mr Jordan not to worry about it.

Thank him.



I'm sorry, I want to get

into shape with this body.



You leave me speechless.

I have nothing to say to that.



I can't even think how to retort



to something as ridiculous

as turning down a body



we've gone to such extremes to find.



An athlete in prime condition.

What can I say?



What do I do with his cocoa?



I don't want to disturb him,

but dare I let it get cold?



I notice there are two cups.



Sisk felt since he was pretending

to talk to somebody,



he might want to pretend

to give him cocoa, too.



How you doing, Everett?

How you doing, Bentley?



Hurry up. Wait a minute.

Just a minute, please. All right.



Sorry to bother you, but we don't

love each other. Let's get divorced.



- I don't know what you're saying.

- Come on. Yes, you do.



Abbott, there's a trainer

for the Rams named Max Corkle.



Could you call and ask him

to come see me?



- Yes, Mr Farnsworth.

- Thank you. Good night.



You idiot! You idiot!

Why did you answer him?



I couldn't resist.

His will is too strong.



That's our weekend forecast.

Now here's tonight's sports.



Leach and Char will have to...



He's dead. It's over with.



At last, at last.

At last, my dearest.



It's incredible.



Yes! Just a minute. Yes!

Yes, Sisk.



And, Abbott, Corkle's number

is    -    . All right?



- Yes, Mr Farnsworth.

- OK.



Oh, my God.



Right this way.



Mr Farnsworth is waiting for you

in the ballroom. Follow me, please.



- Mr Corkle, sir.

- Max. How you doing?






- Lost a little weight, huh?

- Have we met?



Sort of, yeah. Thanks, Sisk.



I hear you got all Joe Pendleton's

athletic equipment.



Yeah. How d'you know that?



I'd like to buy it.

I'd like to bring it in here.



No, I'm sorry, Mr Farnsworth.

That's not for sale.



What do you want it for?



I've got to get in shape.

I'd like you to help me train.



- Train?

- Yeah. As soon as I'm ready...



I want you to get me

a tryout with the Rams.



- What are you trying out for?

- Quarterback.






The point is, Mr Farnsworth,



we already got a quarterback

working with the team.



We got a couple

of pretty good backups.



You call Hodges good, huh?



The point is

we don't need a quarterback.



Why don't you try another team?



The Oakland Raiders are close.

Give them a call.



I want to play quarterback

and get in shape for the Super Bowl.



What would it cost to try out?



Look, Mr Farnsworth,

no team wants a crazy trainer,



and only a crazy trainer

would arrange a tryout for you.



You keep your money,

I'll keep my job,



and we'll keep this little

misunderstanding to ourselves.



That's all right,

I'll finish that up.



What would you say if I told you

I was a professional football player?



- These... These are nice.

- Max, you know how people die?



Yeah. Why?



And after they die,

they go to heaven?



I guess, if they're good.

I mean, why not?



You know how it works in heaven?



- Not exactly.

- It's probability and outcome.



I never knew that.



Say there's a probability

that some guy's going to die.



An escort from his way station

gets a signal.



He goes down

and waits for the outcome.



If the guy lives,

the escort wasted a trip.



If he dies, he takes him back

to his way station.



He puts him in line for his

final destination. You follow?



Mind if I smoke?



Go ahead. Let's say there's

a new escort. He gets a signal.



He takes off and sees a guy

riding a bicycle into a tunnel.



The car's coming the other way,

the escort's supposed to wait,



but he's new and figures

the guy's a goner.



He figures,

why should I have the car hit him?



Why not take him out

a few seconds early



and take him up to his way station?



- Listen, I need a match.

- That clock, that's a lighter.



So the guy he takes up to the way

station isn't just some ordinary guy.



He's an athlete

with fantastic reflexes.



He wouldn't have hit

the car at all.



- How do you light this?

- There.



The guy wasn't really dead.



His number wasn't up for years.

He would have missed the car.



No kidding? Is this lighter right?



They're supposed to put him back

in his body, but he's been cremated.



- They have to find another body.

- Look, Mr Farnsworth.



I'm just a trainer. What you need

is a really good doctor.



- Don't you understand?

- Sure. That's a hell of a story.



Mr Jordan, I'm so glad to see you!



I'm trying to get

Farnsworth into shape.



- I want Corkle to help.

- Who are you talking to?



Mr Jordan. He runs the way station.



You can't see him.

You're still alive.



You two probably got a lot

to talk about. I'll be on my way.



- Wait a second, Max.

- Tell him who you are, Joe.



He'll never believe me, you tell him.



He's the only person who can get me

a tryout with the Rams.



You can make him believe you.



- Look at me.

- Mr Farnsworth...



Max! I'm not Farnsworth.

I'm Joe Pendleton.



Farnsworth's wife

and secretary murdered him.



This is a body they found for me.



They drugged him,

then I stepped in.



It's not bad material.

I can get it into shape.



- I don't want to hear any more.

- Max, please.



I want to get out of here.



I won't tell a word to anybody.

I promise. It'll be our little secret.



A secret? Like your sister

and the Coca-Cola salesman?



- What about the scar on your tongue?

- How did you...?



What did you do

at your uncle's wedding?



What about the first time

I fixed your neck in Pittsburgh?



Now do you believe me, Max?

Please say you believe me.



They don't have a team in heaven,

so God couldn't make me first-string.



He doesn't believe me.



Try a little music.

That's a great persuader.



Joe, you never could play that thing.



You all right, Max? You all right?



Bentley! Whip up a liver and whey

shake right away!



I'm gonna play in the Super Bowl.



That's what's coming to me.



If that's what you've got coming.



- He's still here?

- Right there.



Listen to me.

Farnsworth isn't in bad shape.



I still know the moves.

Just help me with the body.



Thanks, Mr Jordan.



Sisk! How about that liver

and whey shake? Hurry up.



- I need it for Mr Corkle.

- Yes, sir. Right away.



I want the whole staff to suit up.

We're going into training.



Listen, Mr... Jordan, is it?



You still there?



Any time you want to chime in...

why, just feel free.



Feel free.

I'm telling you to feel free!



You got to help me

talk Joe out of this.



If I get him a tryout,



that team will put him

out of commission like that.



Christ, I can't even snap

my fingers any more. Sorry.



He's not there.

Don't get crazy. I'm counting on you.



This isn't going to work.



We're fooling with the Rams.



It's just... Well, all right.



I'm still figuring out

what I'll say.



You're playing football

with a bunch of butlers.



- This isn't gonna work!

- I fixed all that.



- How?

- I bought the Rams.



Leo Farnsworth has bought this team,

and he wants to play quarterback.



- Shit!

- Crazy son of a bitch.






Wait a minute.

This is the way it is.



He'll play quarterback

in Wednesday's scrimmage.



At which time,

the coach will decide



whether he's qualified

for the job or not.



Mr Farnsworth says,

"Tell no one to hold back."



These were his words, I quote,



"Play that scrimmage

like the Super Bowl."



- Take him at his word.

- Let's kill him.



My team.

That son of a bitch got my team.



What kind of pressure

did he use, Milt?



Well, I asked for    million,

and he said OK.



Ruthless bastard.



Well, very, very nice.

Very, very, impressive.



I'm Tony Abbott, Mr Farnsworth's

personal private executive secretary.



Very nice. Very... very nice.



Don't let any of Mr Farnsworth's

racial statements offend you.



Nice talking to you.



Get rid of that ball fast, all right?



Good luck, Mr Farnsworth.



Don't worry about the plays.

I got them down last night.



I want to run a split right, X-go,

Z-curl, a Y-straight.



Like the Super Bowl. Break.



- Ready? Break.

- Tighten it up.



Look at 'em.



That's how they look when they eat.



- Look out.

-  -  set!



 -  ...  -  !



Sorry, Mr Farnsworth.



- Nice.

- Let's try it again, Mr Farnsworth.



OK, let's go! Let's go!



Try it with the ball!

Come on, positions!



- Playing football is so much fun.

- Try this time.



- Set!

- Come on now!



 -  !



I'm terribly sorry, Mr Farnsworth.

This is really embarrassing.



I guess you went offsides.



Come on, guys,

get him, get him!



Give me a little more room, Billy.



Let's all try and stay onsides.



- Better get a stretcher.

- Jesus!



He's an eccentric.

We've always known that.



Buying a football team for    million

that has a book value of   ?



Three weeks ago,

the stock was selling at   .



This morning it opened at   .



- You want a rest, Mr Farnsworth?

- No, it's OK.



Mr Farnsworth is taking the Rams

to the Super Bowl as a quarterback.



No sign of aberration

in his behaviour?



Nothing in his personal life

bothering him?



That statement speaks for itself.



All right, I'm going to save

you guys some trouble.



Want me to quit?

Give me the ball once.



If I don't hit Evans,

I'll quit. Ready?



Look out!



On three! Set!






There's a potential there! He's...



- Take it easy.

- I know.



- Shit, man, what you doing?

- What's he doing?



Ready? Break.



Red right, red right. Watch the pass.



Not bad.



I think we got us

a rich quarterback.



He's looking awful good.



Boy, you pulled it off.



Yeah? I don't know.

I think I can do it.



Mr Farnsworth, play any college ball?



No. I played a little polo.



Look, he's posing

with the whole football team.



That's not a football team.



There are old men

and skinny younger men.



Look at the women.



That's the ecology group

Exo-Grey is funding.



He's getting ready to spring a trap.

This whole thing.



The football team gag,

the ecology crap, the divorce...



He hasn't announced

is our divorce and when he does,



I'll be the first suspect

when we kill him.



Darling, perhaps I'm being silly,

but I'd be more comfortable...



Have I offended you in some way?



Don't put your hand

over my mouth.



- You used to like it.

- If we don't act now, we'll lose it.



I was mad to sign

a prenuptial agreement.



I'll get an allowance.

You'll be fired.



- We'll have each other.

- Not after he brings charges...



Don't try it!



Want to make a wish?



- Yes.

- All right. There.



- Go ahead.

- Very good.



Do you think it's silly,

trying to be a football player?



Of course not. That's what you want.



- You think I can do it?

- You can do anything you want to.



Anything you committed yourself

to do, you could do.



Because I'm a big wheel

at Exo-Grey?



- You're not afraid of things.

- Afraid of things? Why would I be?



You know, most people are

afraid of something, aren't they?



You want to know

the only thing I'm afraid of?



How I'd feel

if I couldn't be with you.



Then there's nothing

to be afraid of, is there?



- Got to go.

- Wait a minute. I...



How would you feel about marrying me?



- It's crazy?

- No, it doesn't sound crazy.



- You know, if I...

- What is it? What is it?



Could you wait here?

I'll be right back.



- What do you want?

- I'm sorry, Mr Pendleton.



You won't be able to use

Mr Farnsworth's body any longer.



What are you talking about?



Just what I said.

Your time is up.



You said I'd get to the Super Bowl.



Whatever you do, it won't be

with Mr Farnsworth's body.



- Why not?

- It wasn't meant to be.



- Why not?

- Stop saying that!



I won't pay for your mistake.



- Look, Mr Pendleton...

- I'm not talking to you.



I'd like to talk to Mr Jordan.



We'll settle this once and for all.

Get out of here. You're bad news.



Is something wrong?



I just got to straighten

something out.



Maybe I better walk you to the car.



Something is wrong, isn't it?



- I was just thinking, Betty.

- What?



We got a great life ahead,

you and me,



and nobody's going

to take that away from us.



Why are you looking at me like that?



I'm memorising your face. I want

to memorise everything about you



so no matter what happens,

I won't forget you.



- What's going to happen?

- Nothing's going to happen.



You'd never forget me either,

would you?



That thing you said you saw in me.

Something in my eyes, remember?



If some day somebody came up to you,

maybe a football player,



and he acted like

he'd seen you before,



you'd notice that same thing, right?



You'd give him a chance?

He might be a good guy.



- He could even be a quarterback.

- I don't understand.



I'm just acting crazy.



It's all right.

There's nothing to be afraid of.



- You must abide by what is written.

- Why?



There's a reason for everything.

There's always a plan.



- How can I give up Farnsworth now?

- I'm sorry, Joe.



- You said I'd get to the Super Bowl.

- Yes, if it's meant to be.



- I'm not leaving.

- Sorry.



I'm not leaving, Mr Jordan.



Joe, you asked

for a temporary arrangement.



I never went back on a deal,

but I am now. I'm not going.



Your destiny is not in my hands.

Please don't make it more difficult.



I won't. I'm just not going to do it.



- You must abide by what is written.

- She loves me, Mr Jordan.



You must abide by what is written.



- Have you seen Mr Farnsworth?

- No, sir, I haven't.



- Guess I'll just keep looking.

- Yes, sir.



Joe, you in here?



Are you in there, Mr Farnsworth?



Listen, Your Highness, I'm telling

you what I told the mayor last week.



By the end of the week,

I'll crack this case.



Right. Another Arab.



Son of a bitch Farnsworth

was into everything,



and now he's vanished, disappeared.



This is the craziest nut

I've ever dealt with.



He wasn't fooling around.

If he was alive, he'd be here.



You're asking me to believe Leo

Farnsworth asked you to marry him?



Yes. He was going to get a divorce.



When I left, he said he'd call me,

but something happened.



- How do you know?

- Because he didn't call me.



He would have kept his word.



With less than    hours

before the big game,



the whereabouts of Leo Farnsworth

remains a mystery.



Farnsworth said his wife and

Tony Abbott were trying to kill him.



Let me spring it on Abbott,

I can make him crack.



Take Corkle to the Farnsworth house.



The game!



If you win this one, you're going

to be champions of the world.



And they can take away

the money and the cheers.



They can take away the good looks,



but nobody will ever

take that away from you.



Let's go.



Let me get this straight.



You saw no specific changes

in Mr Farnsworth's behaviour?



No, sir. A bit more talkative,

but other than that, normal.



And that's your opinion, too,

Mr Sisk?



Yes. I did notice he seemed

to take a dislike to his hats,



but it was never violent.



Ask me whatever you want...?



- Mr Corkle, please. Mr Everett?

- Yes?



- You had cocoa with him every night.

- Yes.



What did you talk about?



Well, he'd say something like,



"This cocoa is good, isn't it?"



And I'd say, "Yes, it is."



And then he'd say something like,



"I wish the marshmallow

would last longer."



And I'd say, "So do I."



Sometimes he talked about cookies.



Thank you, Mr Everett.

Did he mention disliking his hats?



What the hell is this?

What does it matter?



I'm following a line of questioning.



Please. Mr Everett, did he ever

say anything to you about his hats?



- Never, sir.

- Thank you, Mr Everett.



Mr Abbott, what did you discuss

the last time you saw him?



He was considering buying Haiti.



- The country?

- Yes, sir.



Thank you, Mr Abbott.

Nothing about hats?



- No.

- Thank you, Mr Abbott.



Mrs Farnsworth, how was your

relationship with your husband?



Very, very close. Very, very special.



Miss Logan claims

he was getting a divorce



and he asked her to marry him.



I don't doubt that.



My husband loved me

very much, but he was a man.



He would say or do anything

to make a conquest,



but it never touched our marriage.

That's what made it so special.



They're pinning it on Betty.



Miss Logan, I am sorry if I've said

anything that's hurt you.



I don't know you well enough

for you to hurt me.



- I hope you don't doubt my word.

- I don't, I'm sure you're lying.



I assume if Mr Farnsworth told you



about disliking his hats,

you'd let us know.



You want to know about his hats?

He wouldn't wear socks with a suit!



Every time he crossed his legs,

you could see his ankles were bare!



That's when he stopped wearing hats.

They looked funny without socks!



But he never told you

he disliked them.



- What?

- His hats.



Are you crazy? What kind

of questions are you asking?



All right. Sit down.

Conway, turn that thing on.



- Let him watch the game.

- Everything will be all right.



We're getting a clearer picture

of Mr Farnsworth's patterns.



There's a reason for everything.

There's got to be.



It's a demanding defence.



You don't need to worry about her.



Tom Jarrett, the Rams' quarterback,

back to pass.



Looking, scrambling. He's in trouble.

And he's hit hard! Down he goes!



You're telling me



that Mr Farnsworth

never carried any money



or credit cards, right?

And no identification papers?



- Right, sir. Yes.

- Then what we have here...



The score,   -  . Overtime.



The way he was hit,

Tom Jarrett is hurt.



We can see

the Ram players are concerned,



they're calling for the stretcher.

Jarrett has not moved.



It'll be a miracle, frankly,

and I hope he's well.



It doesn't look good.



They order Jerry Hodges to start

warming up on the sidelines.



The Pittsburgh defence

has been brilliant.



They've stopped the Rams...



The Haitian ambassador's here.



- Oh, yes. Thank you, Sisk.

- Tell him to wait.



Who do you think you are?

You call this an investigation!



- Now, Corkle!

- Your men standing around watching!



How'd you do it this time?

Drug him like before?



Lieutenant, I will not be spoken to

in this way in my house.



Why did it have to be Jarrett?



Because it's his time, Joe.

It's his destiny.



- Look at the pupils!

- Bill! Get that ambulance!



- Jarret comes back into the game.

- Joe!



Oh, my God! It's his jacket!



So it's you, Mr Abbott!



I should have known

I couldn't trust you.



- Here's your murderer!

- She did it!



I'll confess she did it!

She's been planning it for years!



- Corkle, where are you going?

- To the Coliseum.



- I'm conducting an investigation.

- I'm going.



Take this investigation

and shove it up your ass!



It's sudden death!

The crowd's delirious!



Jarrett was sacked hard.

He's getting up. He's OK.



A remarkable comeback by Jarrett.

The first team that scores, wins...



We're number one! We're number one!



- Hi, Max.

- I am right, it is you, isn't it?



I knew it! I knew it!



I was watching the TV,

and I said, "That's him!"



The Rams are champions!



Here's the star, Tom Jarrett.

He led his team to victory.



- How do you feel?

- Good.



Describe your feelings.



- World champions!

- I... I feel good.



I have to go now, Joe. It's time.

I can't stay here any longer.



- What do you mean?

- How does it feel to be Tom Jarrett?



And when I've gone,

you won't remember me.



You'll be Thomas Jarrett

with no memory of Joe Pendleton,



or Leo Farnsworth

or anything that's happened.



This is your destiny, Joe.

You're back on your own road now.



- What do you mean, I won't remember?

- Goodbye, Joe.



There's a lot of confusion.



- Wait. I got to talk to you. Wait.

- Goodbye.




Here he is, Coach...



You OK, Tom? You OK?



Here's Lamar Crawford, the man

who caught one of those key passes.



I'm just happy that we won.



In September, I told you

the beginning of this season!



Hey, Benny! Hey, Joe! Uh, Tom!



- Hey, Doc. Did Tom leave?

- He's putting some ice on his eye.



He'll be all right.

That's something about Farnsworth.



- Poor son of a bitch.

- Yeah...



Corkle. What are you doing,

closing up the joint?



I didn't know you played that thing.



- What are you talking about?

- Is that yours?



What are you talking about?



- What?

- You know what I mean.



I mean,

what are you talking about, Joe?



Am I missing something?



Come on. What are you

trying to do to me, huh?



I'm the guy that got hit in the head.

You sure you're all right, Corkle?



Play something

for me on this thing, huh?



That's the way it is

with champagne, huh?



You just keep swallowing it

'cause it doesn't taste like anything,



and all of a sudden, you're drunk.



You going to the party, Corkle?

I'll give you a ride.



A little fresh air wouldn't hurt.



Look, just do me one favour.

Look at me.



- Just look at me.

- What?



You want to tell me

why you're calling me Joe?



I guess it has something

to do with Joe Pendleton.



I'm sorry. I didn't think, Corkle.



You don't want a ride?



No, I'll just...

I'm going to sit here for a minute.



Hey, son, you...

You played a hell of a game.



Thanks, Corkle. You all right?



Excuse me.

Where might I find Max Corkle?



- I believe he's here somewhere.

- He's in the locker room.



Go back up the way you came,



or go back and take a right

and then a left.



- It's the second door on the right.

- I see. Thank you. Thank you.



He's not expecting me.

Can I just walk in?



Sure. He's the only guy in there.



- Have we met?

- No. I don't think so.



No, I guess we haven't. I'm sorry.



- What did you think of the game?

- I didn't see it.



Does your eye hurt?



No, no, I...

Listen, my name's Tom Jarrett.



- Hello. I'm Betty Logan.

- Yeah. It's nice to meet you.



- You must play for the Rams.

- Yeah. You interested in football?



- A friend of mine was.

- Was?



Leo Farnsworth.



- I'm sorry. Was he a close friend?

- Yes, he was very close.



- That's too bad. I'm sorry.

- Have you put some ice on that?



- What's that?

- They're just closing up the place.



Here, give me your hand.



There's nothing to be afraid of.



- What did you say?

- What?



When you said

"There's nothing to be afraid of,"



your voice sounded so familiar.



Well, like I said,

I thought I knew you, too.



People always think

they knew somebody before.



Yes, they do.



I was going to meet

a bunch of people, have a party...



- I'm a little late.

- I'm sorry.



No, no, no...



All of a sudden,

I don't feel like going to a party,



and I thought maybe if... I mean...



You want to have a cup of coffee

or something?



Well, I guess not.



You're the quarterback.



Yeah. How'd you know that?



Yes, I'd love to have

a cup of coffee with you.

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