He's Just Not That Into You Script - Dialogue Transcript
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drop me a line. At least you'll have some He's Just Not That Into You quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?
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He's Just Not That Into You Script
GIGI: A girl will never forget
the first boy she likes.
Even if things don't quite work out.
Why did you do that?
Because you smell like dog poo.
You're so stupid, just like dog poo.
You're made out of poo!
GIGI: But usually someone is there
to offer words of wisdom.
...do you know why that little boy
did those things and said those things?
It's because he likes you.
And there it is.
That's the beginning of our problem.
That little boy is doing those terrible things
because he's got a crush on you.
Do you know what this means?
We're all encouraged...
...to believe that if a guy
acts like a total jerk...
...that means he likes you.
Here's the problem:
He likes you too much.
You're too pretty and too awesome.
- He can't handle it.
That Phi Delt so obviously liked you.
I'm sure he just lost your number.
He's not asking you out because he's
intimidated by your professional success.
[SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]
Trust me. It's because he's just
getting out of a serious relationship.
Trust me. It's because he's never had
a serious relationship.
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
Why do we say this stuff to each other?
Is it possible that it's because
we're too scared...
...and it's too hard to say
the one obvious truth...
...that's staring everyone in the face?
So Janine says
you're a real-estate agent.
Yeah, but I'm not
one of those cheesy ones...
...that puts my headshots on bus benches
and grocery carts.
So just, like, Frisbees and notepads?
- It's much classier.
- My thoughts exactly.
Wonder why Janine never thought
to introduce us before.
I don't know. I don't know.
- Hey, guys. Want another round?
- You want one more?
Only if you do. I mean,
if you need to get going, I totally...
Sure. One more. Ketel and soda?
And a beer, please.
Be right back.
GIGI: Well, Conor, I had a really nice time.
- It was really nice meeting you.
- See you.
Hey, it's me.
He's cute, and I think it went well.
And I think he might be leaving me
a message at home as we speak.
Hey, it's me. Just wanted to let you know
I was thinking about you.
Oh, that's very sweet of you,
Listen, I was wondering if you
wanted to grab a late bite.
No, I was supposed to meet friends
but I'm burnt out. Don't be mad at me.
No, of course, I'm not mad.
Well, I'll be up for a while.
- Do you wanna go ahead of me?
- I'll be up.
- Oh, can you hold on?
No, that's fine.
You just have one thing, so...
No, technically I have six...
...and I'm mulling over a gum purchase,
so I think you should go.
Let me call you right back.
All right. Okay.
Just that and that, please.
Oh, my word.
Seriously? That's not possible.
I just deposited cash three days ago,
so it's just not possible.
Oh, it's not that.
Let me check something.
Congratulations, you won.
Our Funky Fall promotion.
You're our 1000th customer this month.
Are you kidding me?
I don't do kidding.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe this, it's so exciting.
Oh, my God.
I never won anything before.
This is the most exciting thing
that ever happened to me. Is that sad?
Yea... No. I don't think so.
Thank you! Come here.
MAN [ON TV]: as the Terps move
to mid-ice, trying to...
- How was the date?
- It was fine. Whatever.
- Why are you here?
- My cable's out.
Come on, Spiewak,
it's not the Ice Capades.
You didn't hear the phone ring
by any chance, did you?
- No, I didn't.
Anna gave me the old,
"I'll call you right back."
Oh, shit, yeah? Well, how long ago?
That was 22 minutes ago.
Do I call back?
Should you call back? No, absolutely not.
I'm gonna call back
and say I'm going to bed.
What? No. It's 9:30. You're gonna...?
No, it's a great idea.
I'll call and say, "In case you were
gonna call me back, don't...
...because I'll be sleeping."
A genius idea.
Okay, no, that's brilliant.
When you wake up you can say, "I'm awake
now, I'm available to take your call."
Oh, gosh. A second.
- Sorry about that.
- It's all right.
Wait, what was I saying again?
You don't wanna be like your mother,
wake up one morning...
you never pursued your dreams.
Is that what I was saying?
- You want some gum?
- No, thank you.
God, that's kind of heavy
for a grocery chat.
- No, that's okay.
- Isn't it?
- I actually might be able to help.
Yeah, I know a guy at my office
who deals exclusively with music clients.
- Are you kidding?
Oh, my God.
- Are you my savior or something?
- Can you hold this for a second?
Oh, this is so unexpected.
I don't do this.
You don't do what?
You don't help struggling singers?
Not hot yoga-instructing singers...
...who are incredibly charming.
Well, you could...
You could give me your card.
That's legit, right? Is that allowed?
I could do that.
- That'd be okay, right?
Great, thank you so much.
Course. Do you need help to your car?
- Where'd you park?
- No, I'm fine. It's okay.
- It was very nice to meet you.
Who was that?
- Oh, that was a prospective client.
I can talk to a woman.
It doesn't have to be like that.
No. Absolutely not.
- Just drive.
- How you doing?
- Yeah. I just got off the phone.
- Yeah, with my little sister.
- How's she doing?
- She's getting married.
You really think that's great?
Devon seems like...
...a great guy.
Well, so you think it's great
that they're getting married...
...but you don't ever feel like
we're going against nature, or something...
...by not getting married?
Going against nature
is like the cat who suckled that monkey.
You and I are just two people
who happen not to be married.
Let me tell you something. People
who get married are not to be trusted.
You are so weird.
They're not. You know why?
Because if you are so legitimately happy,
...you wouldn't feel the need
to make a big show out of it.
You wouldn't have to broadcast it.
They do it because they're insecure...
...and they think getting married's
what they're supposed to be doing.
So they're lying to themselves
and to other people.
Think about you and your friends.
These women you have
great relationships with...
...you're close to them,
some of them you've known for years.
But you don't feel the need...
...to write a $45 check to the state
of Maryland for a friendship certificate.
- Yeah. No, I get that.
Why should it be any different,
you know, with me and you?
We're very happy, I love you,
I'm committed to you...
...we have a great life, you know?
Yes, you're right.
Why can't we just be happy?
- I'm gonna get you some more tea.
RECORDING [ON PHONE]:
Please enter your pass...
You have no messages.
Main menu. To send a message...
Okay, so clearly he hasn't called.
Maybe he's away on business.
He sells real estate. In Baltimore.
- Staying in town is his business.
Well, look, let me tell you.
After I went out with Ben for the first
time, he didn't call me for 11 days.
Eleven days. And now
he's the world's best husband.
That happens all the time.
You want coffee?
- I got you 2 percent.
This is all your fault.
You set us up.
No. You asked me if I know any guys,
and I gave Conor your phone number.
That's not a setup.
When I do a setup,
I weigh the pros and cons.
I do my due diligence.
All I know about Conor
is that he sold us this house.
He said he always hangs out after work
at the City Supper Club.
Maybe I should do a little drive-by?
Okay, I have a question:
Why'd they even invent caller ID?
It's, like, who is this service helping?
I mean, for centuries...
Okay, well maybe not centuries,
but for, like, a lot and lot of years...
...people have been answering their phone,
not knowing who it is...
...and as far as I can tell,
no one's died from that.
And it's like if the police wanna know
who placed a call, they could trace it.
I mean, what am I, the police?
This constant obsession with needing
to know who's calling all the time...
...it's, like, so gross.
Like, you pick up the phone,
you find out who it is, then you know.
Look, all I'm saying...
...if a guy doesn't call me,
I would like to reserve the right...
...to call him at 15-minute intervals
until he picks up.
But if he looks down
and sees my numbers...
...he's gonna think
I'm some kind of psycho or something.
Which I'm not.
[HUMAN LEAGUE'S "DON'T YOU WANT ME"
PLAYS ON PHONE]
I gotta call you back.
Inhale. Upward-facing dog.
Look up towards the ceiling.
Look up towards the ceiling.
GIGI: He ordered more drinks for us
when the waitress came.
He remembered exactly what I wanted.
He initiated the hug.
He said it was nice meeting me.
So wait. This was at the end of the date
or the beginning of the date?
End. Why, does it matter?
Yeah. "Nice meeting you" at the beginning
of the date, that's normal.
"Nice meeting you"
at the end of the date...
It could be a blowoff.
Maybe it was at the beginning.
Okay. That's fine. He's gonna call.
Or maybe it was at the end.
Or maybe it was just nice to meet me.
Hi. This is torture.
How am I supposed to come up
with something pithy and dynamic...
...to say about cinnamon blends?
It's hard to focus on nutmeg...
...when the guy who might be
the guy of my dreams...
...refuses to call me.
After my first date with Neil...
...I called him.
There are no rules anymore.
And, I mean, why should you
have to wait for him to get off his ass?
- It's ringing.
- That's pretty standard.
- Hey, you've reached Conor.
- Yes! Voicemail.
- Leave a message, I'll get back to you.
"Hey, Conor, it's Gigi.
I just thought, I hadn't heard from you...
...and how stupid is it that a gal has
to wait for a guy's call anyway, right?"
What does that say? What's that say?
Because we're all equal, right?
More than equal.
More women are accepted
into law school now than men.
And, I mean, I don't know
if you saw that Dateline...
...but women practically
have penises now, right? So...
Oh, this is Gigi. Call me.
Don't worry, he's totally gonna call.
How can there not be a dial tone?
How can there not be a dial tone?
No dial tone. Come here, dial tone.
WOMAN [ON PHONE]:
Gigi, are you there?
- Mom, is that you?
- I can't talk now, I'll call you back.
- Wait, I need you to...
Hi, it's Janine. Leave a message.
Hi, Janine, it's me.
Conor never called...
...so I'm on the precipice of staging
a casual run-in at the City Supper Club.
Pick up if you wanna stop me.
All right, I'm interpreting your silence
as tacit compliance. Bye.
BARTENDER: What's up, girl?
- How are you?
...here we are. Same shift again.
I know. I make the schedule. Remember?
Well, I figured it was no coincidence.
...a good time the other night.
It's amazing where 10 shots
of Patrôn will get you.
So I was thinking...
...after work we could...
Look, Kelli Ann, what happened
between us the other night was fun.
It was definitely fun.
But we're way understaffed tonight.
I even have to man the bar.
So that's why I scheduled you.
Are we good?
- Nope, we're good.
Hey, oh, Kelli Ann.
Hey, babe, could you get the door?
[UP-TEMPOED MUSIC PLAYING]
Hi. Are you joining us for dinner, or?
I'm meeting someone. A guy.
KELLI ANN: Why?
Nothing. Sorry. For dinner?
I'll wait at the bar.
That's a great idea.
What can I get you?
Oh, no, I'm meeting someone.
Oh yeah? What, you got a hot date?
I don't know if you'd call it "hot."
This guy Conor and I
have only been out one time...
Wait, wait, wait. Conor Barry?
Conor's not coming in tonight.
Thanks a lot.
Did he forget he was
supposed to meet you here?
Oh, see, when I said "meeting someone,"
I guess it was kind of a broad term.
A wide interpretation
of the word "meeting."
Right. You know what? I'll call him.
Oh, no. I mean, just totally unnecessary.
I just was actually in the area...
...and so I just figured I'd swing by
and see if he was around.
Because I had to return his pen.
Had to return this pen. He left this.
And I just thought I should really return it
before he, you know, freaks out.
Yeah. Okay, I'll get it to him.
"Wilson Ward, DDS,
Adult, Child and Geriatric Dentistry."
Look, I'm not going to judge what may
or may not be important to someone.
Yeah. That's not even
his dentist, though.
Oh, really. Who is?
I'm Gigi. I went out
with Conor last week.
And I just...
I thought if I just ran into him...
I don't know. I'm gonna go.
Hang out for a second.
Let me buy you a drink.
One drink. Okay?
Give me two seconds, I'll be right back.
ALEX: Look, you seem like a cool girl,
so I'm just gonna be honest with you.
Conor's never gonna call you.
Oh, really. How do you know?
Because I'm a guy,
and it's just how we do it.
He said it was nice meeting me.
I don't care if he said
you were his favorite female...
...since his mommy
and Joanie Cunningham.
Over a week went by, okay, Gigi?
And he didn't call you.
But maybe he did call
and I didn't get the message.
Or maybe he lost my number...
...or he's out of town,
or got hit by a cab, or his grandma died.
Or he didn't call because
he has no interest in seeing you again.
Yeah. But my friend Terri once went
out with a guy who never called.
She totally wrote him off.
- Over a year goes by.
She ran into him,
and it ended up that...
Your friend Terri's an idiot.
She's also the exception...
...by the way.
The rare exception.
But what if I'm the exception?
No, you're not. You're not at all.
In fact, you're the rule.
And the rule is this: If a guy doesn't
call you, he doesn't wanna call you.
- Yeah, always.
Look, I know what blowing off
a woman looks like, okay?
I do it early, I do it often.
So trust me when I say if a guy
is treating you like he doesn't give a shit...
...he genuinely doesn't give a shit.
Given me a lot to think about.
GIGI: Morning, morning.
MAN: Excuse me.
Oh, I was up all night.
Please say you were working
on the nutmeg copy.
Sure. It's basically done.
I have to tell you something important.
Sweetie? What's going on with your hair?
Yeah, come here before people
see you have a mini muffin in your hair.
Thank you. I think I figured it out.
Remember that notary public
who cheated on me?
Then Anastasia told me her boyfriend
cheated on her at the beginning...
...but then he changed and now
they're married and crazy in love?
- I thought that guy was a process server.
- No, notary.
Anyway, my point is,
Anastasia's the exception, not the rule.
We have to stop listening
to these stories.
The rule is that guys who cheat on you
don't care about you much.
- Okay, so Exhibit A:
Chad, the drummer who lived
in a storage space.
He only used me for rides, and yet
I continued to stalk him for most of 1998.
And then... Oh, there was Don...
...who broke up with me every Friday
so that he could have his weekends free.
I was delusional about that relationship.
I'd refer to him as my husband
to my dental hygienist.
And all of my friends
used to tell me stories...
...about how things might work out
with these dipshits...
...because they knew someone
who dated a dipshit like mine...
...and that girl ended up getting married.
But that's the exception.
We're not the exception, we're the rule.
Okay, let me just see if I understand.
So what you're saying is...
...if I hear a story about a girl
who's been with a guy for 13 years...
...and he finally married her,
that's the exception.
But the rule are guys like Neil...
...who are with girls like me...
...for seven years and aren't married...
...they're never getting married.
- No, no, no. No, no, no.
- It's not what she meant in that...
- No, it's got nothing to do with you.
I absolutely was not talking about you.
- These are specific relationship situations.
- I was talking about myself specifically.
Just me specifically, you know?
This guy is, like, impossible
not to like, you know?
He's flirting with me pretty heavily
outside of the Handy Mart...
...and, you know, everything just kind
of lines up, it's really magical.
And then he tells me that he's married.
Which, of course,
I should be pissed about, right?
But I just can't stop thinking about him.
But he's married.
I know, I realize that.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
What's wrong with me?
I know this guy,
he works in my dad's printing business.
And he was married for 15 years
to a nice lady.
And one night he meets this woman
at some church event.
And he tells my dad that he's never
felt anything like it before.
That he had finally met the one.
So he divorced his wife...
...and he's been with this other woman
for 22 years...
...and they're insanely happy.
I mean, what if you meet
the love of your life...
...but you already married someone else?
Are you supposed to
let them pass you by?
You're right. Okay.
I'm gonna call him.
- Hey, Ben. This is Anna Marks.
Hey, Anna. What's up?
Nothing, I was just...
I was taking you up on your offer.
I know you said you had a couple
of contacts you thought could help me.
And I thought maybe we could talk
about it over coffee or something like that.
Look, I just...
I can't, Anna.
You seemed great. I just... I don't know.
I should probably go.
Take care, though. Bye.
- I'm psyched you called.
Kind of given up on you
when you didn't call me back.
I was just thinking about you.
- Want a glass of wine?
Okay, what were the categories again?
Smart, sexy, funny and cute.
But you can only be two things.
Like Sarah Jessica Parker
would be funny and sexy.
Bill Clinton would be smart and sexy.
I can't believe you're hot for Clinton.
Go. What am I?
Wait, what was I again?
You're smart and cute.
Okay, you are sexy, very sexy.
No, you can't...
Sexy and cute
are both in the looks column.
Nobody wants to be all in one column.
I sound like a jackass if I say you're all four,
which obviously you are.
You're the best.
I better go.
Okay, well, you know
you could stay here if you want.
What? It's been a while.
No, I can't.
I can't stay, I'm totally...
I'm totally, totally fried.
Is that okay?
I'll see you later.
That look straight to you?
Why are you hanging that?
Because you asked me to
about three weeks ago.
I'm getting around to it.
Why? You don't want it here?
No, I love it there. But just stop.
Why? Is it the painting?
You know, I know, it looks
kind of like a deflated boob here.
Right? I know.
It's gonna be depressing.
Should I take it down?
No, I want you
to stop doing anything nice.
This feels like a trick.
No, I just... I just need you
to stop being nice to me...
...unless you're gonna marry me after.
Is that funny?
Do you think that's funny?
No, I guess it's not funny.
See, you can't keep being nice to me...
...and I can't keep pretending
that this is something that it's not.
We've been together
for over seven years.
You know me, you know who I am.
You either wanna marry me
or you don't.
Or there's the possibility...
...that I mean it when I say
I don't believe in marriage...
Come on, it's bullshit for every woman...
...that has been told by some man
that he doesn't believe in marriage...
...and then six months later he's married
to some 24-year-old that he met at a gym.
It's just... It's bullshit.
Where is this coming from?
From the place I've been hiding
from you for about five years.
Five years, because I haven't wanted
to seem demanding.
And I haven't wanted
to seem clingy or psycho.
So I haven't asked you.
I have to.
...are you ever gonna marry me?
Oh, I can't do this anymore.
ANGELA: I used to think that I had
never been dumped.
Yeah, then we started comparing notes.
Then we realized we've both been dumped
by every man we've ever been with.
- Every one.
- But they do it so skillfully.
They just so sneaky
that you think it was your idea.
Yeah. You're sitting back
and you're like:
"Oh, yeah. This my idea.
But wait a second, why am I alone?"
"Why am I unhappy?
Why have I gained 20 pounds?"
- They Jedi mind-trick you.
- Yes, they do.
- So they do a soft pass.
They got little lines they like to tell you.
Like, "I don't wanna stand in your way."
Or, "You're perfect,
it's just I have to work on myself."
Right. "I'm just thinking
of your happiness."
"Oh, I don't deserve you."
That's my favorite one.
You know the other one I like?
"I am so jealous of the guy
who gets to marry you."
- Well, that could have been you.
That's what I was leaning towards.
Yeah. And the second you hear that...
...run to the store, get yourself some ribs
and some ice cream...
...because you have been dumped.
Hey Anna, it's Ben.
Listen, I know it's been a while
since you called.
It's just... It took me by surprise.
But I did offer to help you
with your career...
...and I don't see why
I can't do that, right?
So why don't you give me a call...
...and maybe you can
come by the office or something.
Okay? All right, take care. Bye.
- You scared me.
- You okay?
Are you smoking again?
No, sweetie, I'm not smoking.
You get jumpy when you smoke.
I'm not smoking, I promise.
No, I was just sitting here...
...trying to picture what this room's
gonna look like when it's finished.
- I like that game.
- You do?
What color did you picture?
That's where I got stuck.
I was thinking...
- Yellow? Okay.
- Yeah. I mean, it's neutral.
- Yeah. So it could be whatever.
It could be an office,
it could be a guest room...
...a gym, a baby's room...
Wait, did you mean "neutral,"
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Oh, really?
I know we said
we'd wait to talk about it.
But I think that we're almost ready
to start talking about it.
[UP-TEMPOED MUSIC PLAYING]
JARRAD: So that's the last time
I do anything pro bono.
Well, ladies, I guess
I have to get back to the office.
You go back to the office after happy hour?
What's happy about that?
I met you.
I would love to call you sometime.
Do you have a card?
- Of course.
- Oh, great.
Here is my info.
- Nice to meet you, Janine.
- Nice to meet you.
Look forward to hearing from you, Gigi.
...how are we doing this?
Are you hearing from me
or am I getting a call?
You said you'd love to call me...
...but then you said,
"Look forward to hearing from you," and...
You see how that's kind of confusing?
Yeah, look, we'll talk. We'll get in touch.
You did it again. Very vague.
You know what?
Let's just say that you'll call me...
...and then we can skip all the nonsense.
- He was cute.
- Yeah, please don't cyber-stalk him.
What are you doing?
I'm not calling him.
If he wants to see me, he'll call.
That guy Alex really
made an impression on you.
Was he hot?
No. He was just...
A surprise mocha venti
just because you're so awesome.
- Love you.
- Love you.
- He asked me out.
NATHAN: Oh, my God. He called?
- He e-mailed?
Left his calling card
with your lady-in-waiting?
- He MySpaced me.
- Oh, girl, I don't know about that.
My trampy little sister says
MySpace is the new booty call.
Well, what am I supposed to do?
I mean, things have changed.
People don't meet each other
If I would like to make myself seem
more attractive to the opposite sex...
...I don't go and get a new haircut,
I update my profile.
That's just the way it is, you know?
Yeah, she's right.
Back, back, back, back.
Ad sales, this is Mary.
Hi, Mary, this is Conor,
Anna's friend, or whatever.
So, what'd you think?
Looking at it right now.
I'm not sure about this.
Oh, you have to trust me.
It's a burgeoning market,
you're gonna make a fortune.
I know. Did you have to put me
with the massage ads?
Well, it was either that or the page
with the personals, so...
This page gets a lot of action.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Hey, have you spoken to Anna lately?
All right, Mary,
I'll talk to you soon. Thank you.
PAIGE: What I'm trying to show you is
that there's a difference.
There is a difference.
BETH: Hey, how did you get Aunt Linda
to sew these dresses in two weeks?
She wanted to do it.
LAURA: Really? She told me she felt like
an old Indonesian lady in a sweat shop.
- Is that not right?
PAIGE: No, she didn't.
BETH: What's the...?
Why the big rush to get married?
PAIGE: Because I am not having my wedding
during a gross Baltimore winter...
...and I am not waiting till spring.
You are so pregnant.
Oh, God, I'm not pregnant.
I'm not pregnant. That's ridiculous.
- Chug a beer then.
PAIGE: No, I'm not chugging a beer.
Chug a beer.
We're in love, you assholes.
That's what people do
when they're in love, they get married.
But you know what?
Not everybody gets married, you know?
There are many people
who never get married.
for the inspirational pep talk.
What she meant to say was that it's fine
that you broke up with Neil.
Tons of people make the choice
to be alone. They're happy.
Look at Al Pacino.
Never been married, happy as a clam.
Would that...? Am l...?
Would I be Al Pacino in this scenario?
No, Bethie, we just...
We want you to be happy.
Well, then you should have
rethought the coral.
Oh, her face.
- Your face.
- Don't make her cry.
I'm sick of these coral jokes.
I know, you're sensitive.
Trust me, I get it.
Hey, why don't you have dinner
with me and Steven and the kids...
...then you can just stay over...?
Why'd she wanna hang out
with you and your husband?
The last thing I'd feel like doing.
If being in this wedding is too painful...
Oh, God, you guys. Please, stop it.
That's enough, okay?
Seriously, you guys, I'm f...
I've gone through breakups before.
If you remember, I handle them quite well.
You've been there, you've seen it.
I'm perfectly capable of doing this.
I can do it again.
I want you to stop worrying about me.
I know it's here somewhere.
I spoke with George Lane in Music.
He had a whole list of references for you.
Well, that's okay.
You can just call me when you find it.
I swear I didn't lure you here
under false pretenses.
A girl can dream, though.
You're just too good a guy.
Why are you married again?
No, I really think
that it would be good for me to know...
...why you cannot live
without this other woman.
Well, we'd been together since college
and she gave me an ultimatum.
She said, "Either we get married
or we break up."
So we got married.
Wow. You caved.
What? You're a dick if you date a girl
for too long and don't marry her.
You marry her and you're an asshole
for marrying before you're ready.
I mean, shit, I don't know.
You're really hot.
And I am obviously attracted to you.
So I think the best I can do is...
...eventually find this piece of paper
and call you...
...and hope to just help you out in
your career in some small way.
Hi. What's going on?
Javier, I thought we talked
about tarping the furniture.
Hi, this is Gigi. Is Alex there?
- Drinks are good?
MAN: Yeah, one more.
- Hi, this is Gigi.
- Gigi Phillips.
- I, um...
...had the dentist pen.
Right. Hey. How you doing?
- I'm really sorry to bug you.
- That's okay.
You had some really good insights
and I wanted to ask you a question.
Okay, look, now I need
to be harsh with you.
Conor's never gonna be
interested in you, Geege.
No, I know. This is about Jarrad.
So we meet at happy hour
and he's completely charming...
Hey, give me two seconds, okay?
Two seconds, hold on.
Let me guess. He said:
"The only thing happy
about this hour is you."
He might have used
some derivative of that.
So he says he's going to call, but then
he gives me his card and he says...
Oh, he's not interested.
- You don't even know if he's called.
- Oh, did he?
- But I honestly think he's expect...
Gigi, he is not interested.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Alex, this is jacked.
The hostess is giving me shit
for not wearing a black shirt.
- It's not black.
- Look at it.
Not a black shirt. I see it. It's not black.
This shit is black.
If a guy gives you his phone number
instead of taking yours, he's not interested.
He took mine first. Then he gave...
And also, if a guy wants to see you,
believe me, he will see you.
I once called 55 Lauren Bells
until I got the right one.
Oh, yeah, as it turns out,
her ass looked really huge in the daylight.
Is it your sensitivity that makes you
so popular with women?
Don't call him. He doesn't like you.
Don't tiptoe around my feelings.
- Well, I'm just trying to help.
- I know. Thank you.
I gotta get back to work, but good luck.
Hey, buddy, you home?
Yeah. Come on in.
Hey, you want a beer?
Or an apple martini?
Oh, that's funny.
Have you told your parents?
It's for work.
I'm trying to expand my client base.
By pretending to be gay?
No, by being more gay-friendly.
Or, in real estate terms, "gay-adjacent."
Nice. I'm gonna use that.
I should change this.
It's maybe a little much.
I don't know. Dressing like that,
seeing a girl who won't sleep with you...
...I think you can pull it off.
It's not that she won't sleep with me,
I have slept with her.
It's just she, you know...
Won't sleep with you anymore.
Pretty much, yeah.
What do you think?
I think you got a problem...
...because you're gonna have to beat them
away with a stick, you gorgeous, sexy man.
Observe your breath.
Inhale, belly rise.
And exhale, belly fall.
Bring your hands together
in front of your chest.
Bow your head in gratitude.
Thank you for coming.
See you next week.
We ran into each other.
You came to my class.
I had no idea this was your class.
You called to ask me
if this was my class.
No, you never called back.
Because you told me not to call you
if it was my class. It was.
- No. We just ran into each other.
We're just two innocent folks who happen
to be working out near each other.
Do you want a swim?
You know, I was just thinking...
...why can't we be friends?
I mean, am I not allowed
to have friends anymore?
I mean, am I not allowed to be friends
with people that are hot?
I mean, what kind of
reverse prejudice is that?
I hear you.
...am I not supposed to be friends
with a guy just because he's married?
Or has an insane smile?
Or an ass that makes me
wanna dry hump?
- Did you just say "dry hump"?
Think I just fell in love.
So we're friends.
You wanna come in?
I'm sorry, I don't trust myself.
That's okay. You can just watch.
You know, you may be
the best friend I've ever had.
BEN: Take a shower. Hey.
- What? Hi.
You smell weird.
- I smell weird?
- Yeah, different.
- Different how?
- I don't know.
Sort of an odd thing to say.
You know, maybe it was the ashtray
and cigarettes I found.
In the back yard.
What part of
"My dad died of lung cancer"...
...is so hard for you
to wrap your brain around?
Do not lie to me, Ben. Please, okay?
Are you serious?
We have, like, 8000 undocumented
workers here daily.
Okay, and you find an ashtray
with cigarettes in it and you think...
You automatically assume
that they're mine.
Honey, I'm not lying to you.
...you are really freaking out.
This whole renovation thing's getting
to you because nothing's happening.
Just say no.
Get it out.
Gonna take a shower.
- I'm exhausted.
- It's all right.
Who'd have thought that a random girl
...would fix me up with such a good kisser?
- Back at you, sister.
I can't wait to kiss you again.
But we're kissing right now.
I know, next time.
The second-date kiss
is way more intimate.
...l'm leaving tomorrow,
so I'll be out of touch for a little bit.
Can you excuse me a quick second?
Too many Diet Cokes.
Hey, sorry to bug you again.
Excuse me one minute, babe. Sorry.
What's going on?
Okay, I'm making out with this guy...
And he mentions that he's going
out of town, he's gonna be out of touch.
But maybe he is going out of town.
Where? Where's he going
that he's gonna be out of touch?
Where are you going
out of town to again?
Um... Uh... Pittsburgh.
So, what, now I'm just supposed to run
from every guy who doesn't like me?
There's not gonna be anybody left.
I don't know why I'm saying this...
...but I think I know a nice guy
who might actually like you.
He's friends with my brother.
His name's Bill.
We'll all meet for drinks and it'll be good.
So, I mean, I'm in his bathroom
What do I do?
Well, you gotta come out eventually, right?
But I'd take my time in there.
I'd let him sweat.
- Good luck.
Yeah, the boat looks great.
You look like shit.
But your boat looks great.
Yeah. I live on my boat, man.
Personal hygiene goes out the window.
A lot of time to work on the place.
You should try working on a shower.
Hey, what can I tell you?
Standing on principle, man. It's all I got.
No, I'm good.
That's right, you quit.
Good for you.
BEN: So did Janine send you out here
to check up on me?
Yeah, pretty much.
What are you gonna tell her?
I'll tell her how gorgeous you look
out here on the ocean.
Any word from Beth?
She's so busy organizing
her sister's funeral, I think she must be...
Her wedding. Her sister's wedding.
- Isn't that what I said?
- No. You said "funeral."
- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
Shit, did I really?
That's so weird.
I don't understand
why people wanna get married.
- They don't?
No, no guy actually wants to get married.
And if they do,
all they're really thinking about?
All the women
they're gonna miss out on.
I don't wanna be with anybody else,
I don't know, man, I...
Why'd you get married?
I love Janine.
You're a happily married guy.
Yeah, I'd say so.
Now, I know I don't need
to tell any of you...
...that my cousin Paige is hot.
In high school, if I told the popular guys
that Paige was my cousin...
...it'd keep me
from getting my ass kicked...
...because no one wanted
to blow their chances with her.
And when she gets up there
and says those marriage vows to Devon...
...there will be hearts breaking
all over the world.
MAN: Hear, hear.
WOMAN: That's sweet.
But, you know, keep in mind
that her sister Beth is still on the market.
Yeah, sure, she may be an older model...
...but she got a lot of good miles
left in that tank.
But don't stay on the lot too long...
...or next year's models are gonna
slip in there and steal all...
Okay, that's enough of the speeches.
So enjoy the crab.
And that yellow stuff is not hot mustard,
it's the crab's hepatopancreas.
Your cousin Jay
has always been a jackass.
And somehow even he's married.
Oh, honey, look.
Back when everyone
was just going to camp at the Y...
...you borrowed my New York Times...
...found some arts camp
in the Berkshires...
...wrote away for information
and got accepted on your own.
You never did things like everyone else.
Because that's you.
That's why you're my favorite daughter.
You're not supposed to say that.
I don't give a shit.
I'm retired, I'll say what I want to.
I'll say it to the whole room if you want.
Wait, wait, wait! Come here. Stop.
It's true, though.
- What are you doing?
- Waiting for you.
Sorry I'm late.
No, it's okay.
I like a little time before a blind date.
Prepare myself mentally, remind myself
not to tell the story about my molars...
Gigi, he's not coming.
But you can tell me the story
about the molars. I'd love to hear it.
How could he already not like me?
I screwed up. I told Bill it was Thursday,
not Tuesday. It's my fault.
Hi. Are you good?
- Can I get a Jameson on the rocks?
GIGI: Awesome. I'm stuck with a guy who
can't distinguish Tuesday from Thursday.
Meanwhile, this girl, she's probably
meeting her soul mate as we speak.
- This one right here?
Oh, God, no.
How do you know?
The guy working the Tom Cruise thing?
She's interested, he's clearly not.
You cannot tell from a cursory glance
that he's not into her.
Actually, I can.
I see this stuff going on every night.
Watch this. She's going on
about her macrobiotic diet.
"Dear Christ, get me out of here."
And look, how fortuitous.
Drinks spill, which is perfect for him,
He can move on to the girl
with the shoulder tattoo.
Man, you have a gift.
Now check out Droopy Dog
on the other side.
He's gonna buy her drinks all night and
she's still gonna insist there's no spark.
Maybe there's not. You need a spark.
Oh, the spark thing is bullshit.
Guys invented the spark...
...so they could not call and treat you
kind of badly and keep you guessing...
...then convince you that that anxiety
and fear that just develops naturally...
...was actually just a spark.
And you guys all buy it.
You eat it up and you love it.
You love it because you feed off
that drama. You all love that drama.
So you never wait until the last minute
on a deadline or a phone bill...
...because secretly you love the drama...
...of not knowing whether or not
you're gonna make it?
And let me guess:
When you were stalking Conor
the other night...
...were you obsessing
about him calling...
...constantly pacing back and forth,
staring at your phone for days...
...even though the date
was just kind of mediocre?
Because you all thrive on the drama.
Look, you gotta be more like me.
If a girl likes me, great.
But if not, there are plenty more
out there like her, you know?
With smaller pores and bigger implants.
- That's beautiful.
- I know.
Why are you sharing all of this inside
dating information with me again?
I don't know, I like you.
Well, yeah. Okay, don't start doodling
my name on your binder, okay?
I just mean... I mean, I like you
the way I like basset hounds.
Something pathetic about them.
You just wanna cheer them up.
Again with the sensitivity.
It looks good.
- He does good work.
- Yeah, he does.
...if I asked you an honest question...
...do you think you could
give me an honest answer?
- I think so.
- Good, good.
Because I think some of your guys
might be smoking.
- Is that the question?
- Seemed like a statement.
- The question part's implied.
I really didn't hear it in the inflection.
...have you guys been smoking...
No, ma'am. My guys, they don't smoke
on the job site. They're good guys.
Are you sure your guys haven't been...
...sneaking around here?
And lying to me?
I'm pretty sure.
I need you to be honest with me, Javier.
Because I can't have someone
lying to me.
To my face, under my roof,
on my time.
That's a lot of prepositions.
I mean, there's no reason
for that kind of dishonesty, is there?
I mean, we made promises to each other.
I mean, we have a contract.
That's like making promises. Isn't it?
Maybe I should get back to work.
Oh, yeah. Right, yeah.
That's great, yeah.
We're good. Right? You and me.
- Oh, yeah, yeah. We're good.
- Oh, good.
Okay, that's great.
Yeah, he did great work.
Thanks for coming. I'm Conor.
Sign in when you get a second.
Make yourselves at home.
We got some cookies over here,
some cold beverages. Help yourself.
Conor, you are the Liza Minnelli
of real estate.
- I know. Your friend Mary's a genius.
- I know, she's so great.
Well, I gotta go,
so I guess I'll see you later.
What, you got a class, or?
Yeah. No. No, just something.
- Stuff I gotta do.
CONOR: Okay. Well...
- I'll see you. Okay. Bye.
- See you later.
CONOR: All right. Call me.
She's holding out on you, isn't she?
Not quite sure I get your meaning.
It's obvious she won't sleep with you.
It's written all over your puppy-dog face.
- It's killing me, literally. I'm dying.
- Here, have a cookie.
No, I'm cool.
I don't know what she's doing.
I cannot read her signals.
We used to sleep together all the time.
That's not true.
I don't know why I said that.
It wasn't all the time, but it happened.
I know I'm not just making this up.
And then out of nowhere it just stops.
But she still calls.
She wants a massage.
She leaves cute messages.
But it's not going anywhere.
What is she doing?
Honestly, we may not
have the best insight.
Gay signals have nothing
to do with straight signals.
The signals are totally different.
Here's "I wanna sleep with you."
One, two, three.
That's it, three seconds or more, it's on.
"I don't wanna sleep with you."
- Nope, thanks for playing, move along.
- It's that simple.
You're right, that didn't help me at all.
All right, well, I can tell you this:
Gay or straight, you're not gonna
get anywhere by being inactive.
She likes you. Maybe she just wants you
to be a man and do something.
Hit me up with an oatmeal raisin,
- Here you go.
TRENT: If a girl's into you,
she's sleeping with you.
If after a month,
or two months at the very outside...
...she's not sleeping with you?
She doesn't like you.
The trick is to spot this girl early.
Don't wanna waste the one to seven weeks
waiting to find out it's never gonna happen.
So I've come up with some signs
about how to spot this girl.
A girl will never sleep with you...
...if she calls you "cuddly"
If she pops a zit in front of you...
...if her name is Amber or Christine...
...if she takes a dump in your bathroom...
...or she takes home leftovers
on dates one, two, or three.
I know it's not scientific...
...but I'm just saying,
you were warned.
I am so into you.
Seriously, I've never felt like this before.
I have to actively stop my brain
from thinking about you.
Like, all the time.
Because I don't do stuff like this.
Stuff like what?
Like sleep with women
that aren't my wife.
First of all, I am not "women,"
I'm just one.
And second of all?
Oh, I didn't have a second of all.
I was hoping "second of all"
would make me feel better.
Second of all...
...I can't stop thinking about you either.
He's totally leaving his wife for me.
That's crazy. We hardly know each other.
I don't know. I mean, look at Becca.
You know, my sister's friend.
One guy waits on her at Bennigan's...
...and by the end of the meal,
they both knew they had found the one.
You're right. You're totally right.
I mean, it could happen, right?
Not for me.
What about texter?
Texter has yet to make verbal contact.
I mean, this guy could've had surgery,
leaving him without a voice box...
...breathing through a stoma...
...and I would never know because
I've never actually heard his voice.
Well, I doubt he has a stoma.
That's not the point. I can't text.
You know, I'm not charming via text.
Maybe you should just stop texting.
But it's not just texting, it's e-mail.
It's voicemail. It's snail mail.
That's regular mail.
Whatever. None of it's working.
I had this guy leave me a voicemail
at work, so I called him at home.
And then he e-mailed me to my BlackBerry,
and so I texted to his cell.
Then he e-mailed me to my home account
and the whole thing just got out of control.
And I miss the days where you had one
phone number and one answering machine.
And that one answering machine
housed one cassette tape...
...and that one cassette tape either
had a message from the guy or it didn't.
And now you have to go around
checking all these different portals...
...just to get rejected
by seven different technologies.
What about that MySpace guy?
- Jude. I like him.
Yeah, I felt like we connected.
What if she wants you to kiss her?
Well, then I guess
I'm just gonna have to kiss her.
[RECITING ON-TV DIALOGUE]
"Amanda Jones is no minor leaguer...
...who'll be swept off her feet
at the touch of your amateur lips."
This babe has plenty of battle scars.
Oh, hey, you're home.
Where am I supposed to be?
Out, maybe? It's Saturday night.
You won't let me go out with guys
who don't like me. It's kind of limiting.
Right. Listen, I was just gonna
leave a message.
I'm having a party next weekend.
You should come.
Oh, I don't know. Won't Conor be there?
Might be kind of awkward.
He's at a real-estate conference in D.C.
But there'll be a lot of single guys.
So there will be plenty of chances
for me to be awkward.
Don't worry, I'll be there.
I'll talk you through it.
Okay, gotta go.
Someone just dropped like 84,000 plates.
Maybe I'll see you there.
You're busy. I shouldn't have called.
You called me.
- Yup, good.
KEITH [ON TV]:
How...? How do you work on it?
Pretend I'm a girl, okay?
...pretend I'm her.
He's into me.
Awesome. I knew it.
- Who's this now?
It's totally clear to me now. He's Watts.
- He's what?
- From Some Kind of Wonderful.
I thought Mary Stuart Masterson
- So why aren't you Watts?
I'm Eric Stoltz.
Alex is Watts. Watts helps Eric Stoltz
go on a date with Amanda Jones.
Really, she's in love with Eric Stoltz.
So Amanda Jones is Conor?
I guess. At first. Now men in general,
but that's not the point.
The point is he's into me.
I knew there had to be some reason why
he was spending that time with you.
I know. It's so obvious now.
There are so many signs.
Signs. Love signs. You gotta
tell me about the signs. I love signs.
First they were small. At first when I
called, he said, "Good to hear from you."
- Totally good sign.
And then the next time I called
he was with a woman...
...but he took the call
and we talked for a while.
- You know it was a woman?
- Called her "babe."
Okay, a guy doesn't leave a woman
to go talk to another woman unless he's...
And it gets more obvious.
I mean, please. There was no guy
he was gonna fix me up with.
The fix-up was him.
Yes. He shows up
without this fictitious Bill character.
The two of us basically have a date.
And then he calls and invites me
to a party at his place.
He so likes you.
I'm so happy for you.
Let's look up places
for your destination wedding.
How do you feel about Napa Valley?
I have really always wanted to go there.
Oh, he's cute.
Yeah. Smoldering but sensitive.
Oh. "All I have is my guitar, these chords,
and the truth."
- That's hot.
- Yeah. I like him.
I mean, he probably hasn't called yet
because we just had coffee last night.
MARY: Yeah, you know.
I mean, we actually video
iChatted while holding coffee.
But that's the same thing, right?
- Right, right.
- Just call your voicemail.
Yeah, but he had a gig last night
and he probably didn't get home till late.
- Did I tell you he's a singer?
- Just call.
JOSHUA: Oh, honey, no, on speaker.
I don't think so.
I'm sure he hasn't called.
- Just call him.
RECORDING: You have two new messages.
Whoa, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary
Oh, my Mary
I just got hard.
Hey, Mary, it's Jude.
I was just calling to tell you again
how special it was to meet you.
So call me back. Bye-bye.
NATHAN: This is good, this is good.
- This is...
See, he called.
Whoa, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny
Hey, Jenny, it's Jude.
I was just calling to...
Whoa, shit. What number did I just dial?
All messages erased.
- You sure?
No. It's a laminate.
- That's not real hardwood floor?
It looks exactly like it. But it is
like one one-hundredth of the cost.
I still wanna go with the real wood.
What? You can't even tell the difference.
It's not the point.
Well, what is the point?
I don't like the way
it's pretending to be wood.
If you're not wood,
don't try and look like wood.
I don't think that it's pretending.
This is a lie, Ben.
Just be up front
and tell people what you really are.
Okay, you're right. You're right.
It's okay. Maybe we should just go
look at the grills and we'll come back.
I slept with someone.
- I said...
- I heard you.
You tell me this in Home Depot
because you know I hate a public scene.
No, that is not why I'm telling...
I knew it.
I knew it.
- You asshole.
- I'm sorry.
It is you that's been smoking too,
Wha...? Wait, what does that
Have you been smoking?
No. No, I haven't.
I talked to Neil. I told him.
He said I could stay
at his boat for a while.
Now you're moving out?
- You're, like, leaving me?
No, I just assumed
that you wouldn't want me to...
Aren't we gonna deal with this?
Don't you wanna find some way...
...for us to work through this?
I assumed that when I told you,
you would want me...
Is that what you want?
You're doing a great job.
Oh, my gosh, it's Bridget. Hi!
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, what a beautiful dog.
Seriously, Devon, I really did feel
just a moment, a splash, of hesitation.
No, there wasn't.
There wasn't any hesitation at all.
You just did it again. That was a pause.
I did not pause.
You must be Beth.
Heard a lot about you from Paige.
Actually been lobbying
to sit next to her single sister for weeks.
So you must be:
- Sort of?
- Well, I'm actually a Wiccan.
- A what?
- A Wiccan.
- Male witch.
So I also have a magical name.
It's Brother Phoenix East-Horse.
But I didn't know if that would fit
on the card. Love that.
I'm guessing that I'm gonna
hear a whole lot about you.
pre-Christian paganism, yeah.
Yeah. That's fantastic.
Well, where to begin?
Well, first off, it's not just a bunch
of nude farming. Dad.
- Let's look at Stonehenge.
Obviously not a coincidence.
They didn't have the machinery
to move those rocks. They're huge.
- Yeah, they're heavy.
- Of course.
["IF I NEVER SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN"
BY MAROON 5 PLAYING ON STEREO]
- I'm Nathan. And this is Bruce.
- Gigi. Hi.
So how do you guys know Alex?
We don't. Our friend Mary heard
about this from some guy named Conor.
And how do you know Alex?
I'm pretty sure that something's
about to happen between us.
So are you here as, like, a guest,
or, like, his date?
Oh, I hate that.
When you don't know if you're a date.
You don't know if you should bring
a friend, or are you co-hosting...
...or should you stay to the end
to have some alone time?
He didn't say.
I'm sure I'm more than just a guest.
- I mean, there have been signs.
[BAND PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC]
So where's Neil?
We broke up.
- No way.
You guys were together,
what, like 10 years?
Seven. But still, it's a long time.
It's too bad cousins can't marry,
because then we could maybe...
Ken, are you okay? What happened?
Oh, my God.
WOMAN 2: Ken, are you all right?
MAN: Just clutched his chest.
WOMAN 1: He was standing there
and all of a sudden...
WOMAN 2: Ken, just try to breathe.
MAN 2: Call 911.
Dad. Excuse me.
Daddy, what is it? What happened?
- Guys, come here!
LAURA: What happened?
Daddy, lay down, okay?
LAURA: Did he fall?
BETH: You'll be fine.
You guys, did anybody
see what happened?
LAURA: Over there. Just go get it.
Hey, hey. I had no idea
it'd be such a madhouse.
Hey. Great party.
Thanks. Did any guys hit on you?
A lot of them here.
You need me to evaluate
any level of interest?
They were gay. Even I know
their level of interest was probably low.
It's too bad Bill couldn't make it.
I know you guys would hit it off.
Okay, right. "Bill."
Listen, I gotta go make a liquor run,
but the food needs some refreshing.
- Would you mind helping and refilling...?
- Like co-hosting?
Just refilling the chips.
They're on the fridge.
[TING TINGS' "FRUIT MACHINE" BLARING]
MAN 1: Hey, sweetie, get me a beer?
- I'll get you another.
- Hi, guys.
- Really great party.
- Oh, thanks.
You know, when Alex said he wanted
to throw a party, I was like, "Let's do it!"
- Thanks for having us.
- No problem, any time.
Can I help you find something?
Oh, no, it's okay. I got it.
Thanks for mixing that up.
Alex asked me to get the dip together.
Thanks for getting it started.
It could use a little more dill.
I'm on it, though, don't worry.
Come on, my boy. Take it home.
Franchise player. My boy Marbury.
GIRL: Fifteen seconds.
ALEX: Let's go.
GIRL: Oh, a pass.
ALEX: You work too hard.
Well, I think I've rounded up
the last of the beer bottles.
- Oh, what game are we playing?
- Oh, sorry, Nash.
- Oh, come on.
- Come on, come on.
ALEX: Nash, you piece of shit. Come on.
- Maybe I should just...
- It's past 3, so...
ALEX: Okay, swat it.
Watch this. Ready?
ALEX: Oh, no, no, no!
Yes. Suck it. Yes.
Oh, you are... You're sensational.
- Yeah, I know.
I don't know why I bother.
- Did you say it's past 3?
- Oh, man, I gotta go. Hey, good game.
- All right.
Hey, thanks for staying
and helping me clean up.
I really gotta go to bed, though.
Is that an invitation?
Oh, God, that was cheesy.
Oh, I'm not good at this.
Oh, yes. I knew it.
The best relationships
grow out of friendships.
Wait, wait, wait. Gigi.
Wait, wait, wait.
Now you and I are in a relationship?
Well, I'd say if we're not
at relationship station-ship...
...we're at least on the track.
And why exactly would you think that?
Because of the signs.
Really, like what?
Like, it was good to hear from me...
...and you talked to me
even when you were with a girl...
...and I felt something.
What are you talking about?
Gigi, what have I been saying
since I met you?
If a guy wants to date you, he will make
it happen, okay? He will ask you out.
Did I ask you out?
Why would you do this?
Why do women do this?
Build up this stuff in their minds...
...take each little thing a guy does,
and then twist it into something else?
I'd rather be like that than be like you.
What is that supposed to mean?
I may dissect each little thing...
...and put myself out there too much...
...but at least that means I still care.
Oh, you think you've won
because women are expendable to you?
You may not get hurt
or make an ass of yourself that way...
...but you don't fall in love
that way either.
You have not won.
You're alone, Alex.
I may do a lot of stupid shit...
...but I know I'm a lot closer
to finding someone than you are.
Do you want anything else?
Yeah, less of the cardboard crap
and more regular people food.
Well, that cardboard crap
is what we call whole-wheat toast.
Well, maybe you could just fry me up
a couple of sausage links.
People who have just had a heart attack
are generally not advised...
...to have animal fat that's been stuffed
into a synthetic casing.
[VAN MORRISON'S "I GOT A WOMAN"
BLARING ON RECORD PLAYER]
STEVEN: Hey, Beth. Grab me a beer
when you get to the kitchen, okay?
And a little plate of cold cuts,
if there are any left.
Hey, would you guys please just turn
that down a bit? Dad's trying to sleep.
You think he wants
to hang on to this vinyl?
My collection could use a lot of these.
Would you just turn it the fuck down?
Well, we're totally out of toilet paper...
...and all we have left to eat
is some old jelly and some ramen noodles.
And our new brother would like to co-opt
Dad's property before he's even dead.
Laura, also your husband would
really like another beer...
...to go with his fifth consecutive hour
of the golf network.
Are you okay?
Don't worry, honey, Dad's gonna be fine.
GIGI: Do you know who it is?
So are you gonna leave him?
Gigi, he's my husband.
He's not some guy
who didn't call me back.
He did admit it to me.
He didn't wait to get caught,
which takes courage, you know?
I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.
I didn't mean it.
I know that Alex wasn't just some guy.
Oh, it's okay.
It's my fault, you know.
Oh, I just think I need to take responsibility
for my share in the whole...
...mess. You know?
I forced him into getting married.
- You know, he wasn't ready.
- Janine, this isn't your fault.
No, it is. It is, I've changed.
...fun, you know?
I was fun when we first met.
You're still fun.
We don't have sex anymore.
Lots of couples go through lulls.
No, I mean...
...we never have sex.
I mean, realistically,
what do I expect him to do, you know?
I don't think that's really...
God, this tile is too small.
I have to tell Javier.
- This tile is too small.
I gotta go. I have to take a personal day,
if anyone asks.
Well, my first husband was unimpressive.
I found him in bed
with his big-breasted secretary...
...when I came home early
from the Maldives.
It was just so unoriginal.
Made me feel sorry for him.
My second husband
was a pinch more creative.
Cheated on me with my sister...
...but made me believe that I was insane
for being suspicious.
So at least some mind games,
But my last husband, he was a gem.
He was a veritable master
at covering his tracks.
I mean, I pored over his phone records,
I intercepted his credit-card bills...
...I had him followed
on numerous occasions...
...and never found
a single shred of evidence.
It wasn't until he died...
...that I found out about the property
he owned with his Austrian mistress.
But the real master, I have to say, is me.
Three husbands, countless boyfriends,
I haven't been caught yet.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God, oh, my God. I can't...
It's over there.
Oh, my God.
He liked the demo. I can't believe it.
Did you hear when he said
that it was hauntingly beautiful?
Yeah, I was there. I was...
I was there, baby.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Dana, I'm working. I'm still going over
some offering statements. You gotta...
You gotta come back later.
It's not Dana.
Is that your...?
- Is that your...?
Can you get in the closet?
- Get in the closet.
Just go in the closet for a second.
Just for a second.
I keep telling Dana
to get that damn lock fixed.
JANINE: Why do you even bother locking it?
Why do you bother locking it?
Oh, you know I can't get any work done
if I don't.
- Can I come in?
- Yeah, of course.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
I don't know. I just thought...
...maybe we could...
- Are you okay?
Maybe if you just go over there.
Just trying to...
...you know, re-light the fire.
Didn't you hear what I said before?
I really gotta finish these offerings.
...l'm really trying here.
Do you wanna save our marriage?
Tyrone, you cover 4 through 6 and pitch in
with the bussers when you can.
Wait a minute. I'm on 8 through 10.
Hey, I been working here 18 months,
8 through 10.
Luis, you cover 4 through 6, then.
Dude, Luis quit like 10 months ago.
Yeah, he quit.
Is there any reason
we're even having this meeting?
- No, not for me.
ALEX: Great. Good. Great.
Back to work.
Hey, Kelli Ann.
Did I get any calls?
Since you asked me 11 minutes ago, no.
Not a lot of phone traffic.
- Oh, my God.
What's her name?
The girl, Alex.
There's no girl.
You can't hide it, man.
I know strung out
and you are strung out.
This is amazing.
You can't focus, right?
Jumping every time your phone rings,
checking your e-mail 100 times a day...
...wishing you could write songs.
No, feeling the need to bring up her name
in random conversations.
It's always the same
and it has happened to you, my friend.
Welcome to my world, asshole.
Let me get the door.
Sure I can't interest you
in a little beef and broccoli?
I gotta finish this stuff.
- Yeah. So I'll see you at home.
I love you.
I love you too.
- Okay. I'll see you later. Okay, bye.
- You make me sick.
- I had no choice.
- You're a disgusting excuse for a man!
- What was I supposed to do?
- You're the one I wanna be...
- Don't touch me!
You will never touch me again.
Dino, thanks again for letting me
pay over the phone.
I assure you this late-payment thing
will never happen again.
Yep, just trying to trim
some of the drama out of my life.
Oh, that's my other line.
BILL: Hi, Gigi?
This is Bill.
- Alex's friend.
We were supposed to meet up
but Alex told me the wrong day.
Bill, so you do exist.
And I'd love to buy you dinner sometime
if you're still game.
Sure, why not?
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Coming, I'm coming, I'm coming.
Hi. Hi, sweetie.
See, why did you
just call me "sweetie"?
- We always call each other that.
All right, look,
I wanna say something, okay?
We call each other "sweetie"
all the time.
And we fall asleep on the phone
after talking for hours.
I washed your hair for you after
you had shoulder surgery and everything.
And it's like we're together.
- I know that I've been...
- No, hold on a second.
Let me finish.
I think maybe this is my fault...
...because maybe I wasn't clear
about exactly what I want.
So let me... Let me be clear.
I love hanging out.
But I'm so attracted to you.
I just... I want both.
I don't know what happened
or why we stopped. I don't care.
No, I'm talking about really doing this.
Like a full-on relationship.
A bunch of gay people
put you up to this?
DEVON: Stay home. It's an end-around.
GEORGE: No, no, it's not. He's still got it.
He's still got it.
- Who let that happen? It's embarrassing.
DEVON: That is so embarrassing.
Did any of you guys have a chance
to get to the store?
Oh, yeah, no.
We're good, we got takeout.
No, I didn't mean for you, I meant f...
GEORGE: All right, here we go.
- Come on, defense, wake up.
You have to be kidding me.
I just got a little bit more of this
I gotta finish.
There's some laundry
I'm gonna put away...
...then I had another load of clothes
in the dryer.
I did get some of the food your dad likes,
but some healthy stuff too.
Just, you know.
It's gonna be okay.
It'll be okay.
[CAR ALARM CHIRPS]
Bend your knee a little bit more.
There you go.
Inhale, reverse warrior, look up.
Hi, you've reached Ben's cell phone.
You lying sack of shit!
- or call my cell, or try me at work...
...but definitely leave a message
here first. Thanks.
Hey, Gigi, it's Alex.
How's it going?
Just wondering how you're doing.
I haven't talked to you in a little while...
...and was just wondering
how you're doing.
So, hey, I was hoping to talk to you.
But you're out, I guess.
So just call me sometime.
I'm around, I'll be...
Well, I'm in and around.
So that's enough for now.
Might I come aboard?
Yeah. You remember the boat.
Well, you know, I thought I did.
- Or, you know, little...
- But it's been a while.
You know that dock? Over there,
there's a boat that looks just like yours.
- It's not yours.
- No, that's not my boat.
- It's definitely not.
But there's a very nice gentleman...
...living on the boat...
...who invited me in
for a white-wine spritzer.
Wasn't expecting visitors.
That's all right. I just wanted
to just come by and say thanks...
...for helping yesterday.
Beth, you know, I'm the same person.
I would do anything for you.
I just can't give you...
I just can't give you what you want.
You're what I want.
Our life together is what I want.
I miss it.
I miss you.
You see those guys my sisters
are married to...
You're more of a husband to me,
not being married...
...than those real husbands
are ever gonna be, and...
It's enough. It's really enough for me.
And you would be willing...
...to take the whole marriage thing
off the table completely?
If you promise to commit to me
and to love me, and...
- I already have.
- I'm not finished.
Okay. All right.
- But I've loved you for seven years...
You have to snake the drain
when my hair gets clogged.
You know that happens. Okay?
...you have to let me eat those Wheat Thins
in bed. You gotta give me that.
- Okay, fine. All right.
- That's it.
Do I get to come home now?
I guess you can.
But these cannot come.
- What, my pants...?
- That's correct.
- Can't come home? Why?
You just won a really big battle,
my friend. Come on.
So we're not gonna get married,
but I have to get rid of my pants.
Mm-hm. And we both win.
All right. I'll get rid of them if you like.
a lot of bids on this place?
Yeah. I know it's crazy,
but it's a neighborhood in transition.
Is that like young, hip, gay couples
or something like that?
Yeah. Hip gay people,
young couples, young families.
God, this reminds me of where I grew up.
I bet it's got one of the...
Wait a minute.
Yeah, that's it.
We used to have the exact same one...
...except my mom used it as a desk.
...when do all the fabulous people arrive?
the open house is tomorrow.
But I have this one buyer...
...and I wanted to make sure
his girlfriend likes it first.
Oh, he has a girlfriend, huh?
Yeah, I have an idea.
For this house.
And hopefully, if you like it...
...and things continue to, you know...
...I have a plan, okay?
I know where my life is going,
and I want you to go with me.
I'm not saying I want you
to move in right now...
...but I don't want to buy this place
unless, at some point...
...you could see yourself moving in.
So, what do you think?
I can't do this.
Well, if it's too fast,
I guess we can always just...
I can't do any of this.
...what you're saying
and what you're offering...
...is what every girl wants.
It's what I always wanted.
You don't want it with me.
I have a question.
Is there any way we could...
...dial it back to before,
when we were just sleeping together...
...because I don't know,
I felt like that gelled.
It was nice meeting you.
Thank you so much for a lovely evening.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
You forget something?
Yeah, I did.
Really? What did you forget?
You came all the way here at 11:00 at night
to bring me back a promotional pen?
I thought I should just come up with
some really great excuse to get over here.
That's how it's done, isn't it?
Look, I can't stop thinking about you.
It's a problem.
I drive by your place, I call and hang up.
I'm turning into...
A wise person once told me...
...that if a guy wants to be with a girl
he will make it happen, no matter what.
But when I was hurling my body
...you did not seem
to want to make it happen.
Yeah, all right.
Here's the thing about that:
You were right.
I've gotten so used to keeping myself
at a safe distance from all these women...
...and having the power...
...that I didn't know what it felt like...
...when I actually fell...
...for one of them.
I didn't know.
Look, I just went out
with your friend Bill and...
He might be just exactly what I need.
He calls, he does what he says.
- I can do that stuff too.
- But you didn't.
And that same wise person told me
that I am the rule.
That I have to stop thinking
that every guy will change.
That I have to stop thinking that...
I'm the exception.
You are my exception.
Hi, it's Mary at the Blade.
I'm looking at your new ad and I love it.
Really? You don't think the muscle T
is too much?
I think the shirt you're wearing now
is probably more you.
What, you here?
I'm sitting right in front of you.
Wow, this is you. Mary.
- Please. Please.
- Talk to you in a minute.
- See you in a second.
- How are you?
It's nice to finally meet you.
- You too.
- In person.
This is a pleasant surprise.
- I don't know. Not what I expected.
- My voice doesn't match my face?
CONOR: Your voice does not match your face
in a good way.
In a... Yeah, I mean...
That sounded terrible.
I don't know how all this stuff
fit in here before.
I know. It seems like it just expanded.
You are not trying
to get these back in here.
- You are not getting rid of these pants.
- We had a deal, mister.
These are not staying.
- You can store those horizontally.
- Goodwill wouldn't even take these.
They could be pressed,
flattened, you can...
If you're gonna throw them out,
at least check the pockets, all right?
So you don't throw away
some personal items.
I love you so much.
And I wanna make you happy.
I need to make you happy...
...for me to even have a shot
at being happy.
Will you marry me?
Yes, of course I will. Yes.
Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up:
If a guy punches you, he likes you.
Never try to trim your own bangs.
And someday you will meet a wonderful guy
and get your very own happy ending.
- and your commitment to each other.
GIGI: Every movie we see,
every story we're told...
...implores us to wait for it.
The third act twist:
The unexpected declaration of love.
The exception to the rule.
But sometimes we're so focused
on finding our happy ending...
...we don't learn how to read the signs.
How to tell the ones who want us
from the ones who don't.
The ones who will stay
from the ones who will leave.
GIGI: And maybe this happy ending
doesn't include a wonderful guy.
Maybe it's you...
...on your own...
...picking up the pieces and starting over.
Freeing yourself up
for something better in the future.
Maybe the happy ending is just...
Baby, what are you doing? It's our turn.
Forget the dip. Come on, come on.
Let's go, Alex.
Come on, Alex, your turn.
Laugh out loud! We won!
Or maybe the happy ending is this:
Knowing that through all the unreturned
phone calls and broken hearts...
...through all the blunders
and misread signals...
...through all of the pain
...you never, ever gave up hope.
Now that we are married...
We're gonna move.
That's one thing we're gonna do.
Another thing we're gonna do
is move a little further away from...
- Your sisters.
I mean, everyone makes mistakes.
I've started trying to figure out what
I wanna do, who I wanna be, you know?
Probably seems the wrong time to do that,
but why not? You know, why not?
Better later than never.
I'm dating now.
What do you miss most about marriage?
Have you been married?
Yes, I'm married.
- You are married?
MAN: I am married.
And what's your question?
MARY: We're heading there, is that fair?
CONOR: It's moving fast. Just on our way.
I like him, I'll say that L word.
That's true, it does start with an L. Yeah.
I like her a lot, so...
- Good, I'm glad.
[MOUTHING] I love her. I love her.
ANNA: You know, what I've been focusing
my energy on...
...is like a self-discovery,
as opposed to dating.
I don't know.
Maybe dating's a little overrated.
Good friend of mine and I
are going to India for a few months.
We're going on a yoga retreat.
I really genuinely love this person...
He had asked me to co-host this party...
...and I stayed after.
I was trying to help you out because
there was this girl who would not leave...
...that tall girl.
- Right. She was gross.
I was trying to...
She was... Come on.