Holy Man Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Holy Man script is here for all you fans of the Eddie Murphy movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Holy Man quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Holy Man Script

This product really works.

Not only does it clean
and condition the hair,

it sets the hair as well by getting
deep down into the root system.

Each blade
has been authenticated...

by an actual 13th-century
Japanese warlord's direct descendent.

We are talking
a 42-inch razor blade, folks.

I personally have cut myself
numerous times. [ Yells ]

Money is a living,
breathing thing, Geri.

If you disrespect money,
its feelings get hurt...

and it will leave you
just like your two husbands did.

When you are down,
your money is sad.

And when you are strong,
your money is very, very happy.

No fear.

No panic.
Just be myself.

Just be myself.

I'm ready.

I'm prepared.

The new guy's
gonna like me...

- 'cause I'm a skilled
and confident profession--
- [ Knock At Door ]

- Mr Rick, you--
- Thank you.

Appreciate it.
Thank you, honey.

Good, better, best. Never let it rest
until your good is better...

and your better is best.

And then, you know,
when crucial decisions are made...

people get left behind.

We're the future. Listen. It reminds
me of a story in my personal life.

In the early '60s, my father
was in the eyeglass business.

And one day,
my uncle, uh, comes to him...

and he says,
"Leo, we gotta make a change.

The future is in Plexiglas."

My father said, "Plexiglas is crap,
and I'm not gonna sell it."

And he didn't, and you know what
happened? The public wanted it.

My uncle got into Plexi,
made a fortune.

My dad, he hurled himself out
the 17th-floor window of his office.

If it'd been Plexiglas,
he'd still be here. I'll hold.

Hi. Of course, I'm kidding.
I'm pretty sure my dad's still alive.

The point is: Don't be like him.
Don't miss the boat.

Come on.
Sell your product on our channel.

In 6 months, if you still don't
like us, we call it quits--

Of course it makes sense.
I know it is.

- Great. And your stockholders
won't regret it.
- It's bulletproof.


[ Screams ]

Ricky, these eye massagers,
what do ya think, huh?

What is that, the white mask of Zorro?
You're spookin' me out.

- Ricky. Ricky. Great.
- Hey, Al!

- How've you been?
- Good, good, good.

- Look, I wanted to show you these mats.
- I've seen those. No, thank you.

- These are different. They're doormats.
- I've seen them.

- They're made to look like grass.
Got it. Don't want it. Thank you.
- Okay.

Tim George has offered me
a good price over at QVC.

Okay, lemme see, lemme see.
What's the gimmick? Give me the thing.

- It works for all four seasons.
- Yeah?

This one is summer.

- Spring.
- Look like kids did this.

- Winter. Huh?
- Oh, look at that.

We call it the Four Seasons Pad.
It's educational.

- Educational? That's not
gonna get me to buy them.
- Tim George wants 100,000.

That gets me to buy 'em.
Okay, come up with a name
other than the Four Seasons Pad.

That sounds like a sanitary napkin,
or I don't know what.

And call me later,
and we'll work out the details.

- Can we work out the deal now,
in case later you're in, um--
- [ Man ] Hey, Ricky.

- I know McBainbridge starts today.
- What, it's like I'm getting fired?

- No, no! I did not--
- I'll give you a chop. Okay. Hey!

Leave some here, and we'll get
what's-his-name-- the dog from Frasier--

- Eddie. Great.
- Eddie to sell some
on his show tonight. Tonight.

- Great. Thank you. Thank you.
- Call me up. Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Okay. [ Gasps ]

- Ladies! How many
lovely ladies can there be?
- Hey!

Hey! Fresca. Mm!
How's my favourite foot model?

- Great.
- You look so beautiful.
Let me see that foot.

- What are we selling?
- Mood toe rings.

[ Gasps ] Gimme the shoe. Take the shoe.
Take that. Oh, look at the--

Oh! Oh!
This makes me happy.

Look at the toes.
Like candies, like Red Hots.

So succulent. Excuse me. Hello.
Want to know your emotions?

Maybe some other time.
I know how I'm feeling today.

- [ Ladies ] Ooh!
- Wait a minute.

I don't know. Hang on.
Wait. Wait a second.

You can't jump to a conclusion like
that. Let me do this. Let me do this.

[ Clears Throat ]
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Your pulse is a little fast.
Let me guess.

You're feeling lost and like you could
use some help. Could I pitch in?

Oh, that's funny. I was going
to say the same thing about you.

- What, I look lost?
- No, that you need some help.

Well, like maybe
a little help with your name.

I've never seen you here before.
I'm sure I'd remember.

- You're definitely
not one of the models.
- Oh, thank you.

That's always nice to hear.

- Oh, no, no.
Of course I meant you're very--
- Late.

My name's Ricky, by the way.
What's your whole name again?

I didn't give it to you.

Mmm! [ Chuckling ]
Lay it on me. What have we got?

- Tell me everything.
- James Brown is doing the show.

Hi, everybody.
I'm Clarence Reynolds, here with
the Godfather of Soul, James Brown.

- Welcome to GBSN. Welcome back.
- Ow! I feel good this morning.

- Good to have you with us.
- It's a groove bein' back with ya.

- Now, you brought
the Soul Survival System.
- The only way out.

It's like a personal
security system.

Now, how does it work,
just in case, God forbid,
there is a medical emergency?

Okay. If you fall down,
you mash the panic button.

Help me! Help me! Good God!
Help me! Help me! Good God!

- Help me! Help me! Good God!
- [ Chatter, Laughter ]

Is it just me, but everything
he says is not entirely clear?

- Thank you very much.
Phone, please. Okay.
- [ Phone Ringing ]

- Now, is this all we've sold?
- Yep.

- Ricky? Ricky.
- Yeah?

- Jack Spencer on the phone for you.
- No. Tell him I'm busy.

- He says it's important.
- [ James Brown ] Hit me! Ow!

[ Clarence ] Oh, yeah.
That'll get you the help you need.

- Here he comes.
- Thank you.

Jack, hi! What a nice surpri-- Huh?
What-- What's the matter?

Well-- Yeah.

Well, n-- Th-That is--
That's an outrage.

The bank said
everything was fine.

These bastard people
with their computer screwups.

I'm gonna call 'em right up and really
straighten this out. Thank you. Bye.

Um, Barry. You need to move
some money from my savings to checking.

The car payment bounced. And don't tell
me there's nothing left to transfer.

[ Teeth Click ]

[ Teeth Click ]
ls that what you were going
to tell me? ls that what that means?

[ Sighs ]

Sell some stock. Wow. I'm gonna have
to get the new guy to like me so much...

he's gonna want to give me
the raise right away.

You think that's
overly optimistic?

Thirty seconds to air!

- You are the best!
- Yeah!

- Your stuff is the best!
- I can do it!

- Now go in there and ram it
down their throats! Yeah!
- Yeah!

I'm 67 years old.

I've made love twice today.

Why? Because I'm wearing
new Clam by Vonte.

Clam is the mysterious
new fragrance from the sea.

Clam works.

It can be yours
for just 22.72.

[ Woman ]
Four easy payments.

Oh! [ Clears Throat ]
Three times!

Danny's been fastened
to the studio ceiling...

using the patented
Cool Bond No-Heat Glue Gun.

I wouldn't trust any other glue gun
with my grandson's life.

- Should you?
- Uh-uh.

-  Money 
- But, you know, based on
everything I've just said...

I think you can see that it's pretty
obvious that a raise is kind of, uh...

uh, kind of in order.

Based on what you just said...

I think it's pretty obvious
that a brain scan is in order.

Hayman, things are not
clicking for you here.

Your sales have been flat
for 27 months.

N-No-- Well, I mean, that depends
on how you define "flat."

Stagnant, no growth, dead.

Oh, flat. Fair enough,
but I'm sure you agree that
the product this year has been--

It's not what you sell!
It's the selling itself.

It's about making people
feel they have to have it...

when they don't
really want it.

Hayman, I'm giving you two weeks
to get things moving, or you're history.

[ Sighs ]

Wait a second. First of all, two weeks--
You gotta give me more time than that.

- Hold it! Hold it right there!
- Yep. Yep.

Right there.

Every day on my way to work...

I pass a dozen guys
carrying signs.

"Homeless family."
"Will work for food."

"Pathetic vet. God bless."
[ Chuckles ]

There's nothing I can do
about them. The ACLU says they
have a right to stand there.

So, fine,
let 'em stand there.

But here, in my office,
in my own goddam office...

I don't have to live with anybody
begging me for anything!

You got it?

Thanks for listening.

My door is always open.

Well, I told you...

there was a meeting
at 3:00 on the dot.

An hour late, there's a reason.
Fifteen minutes late shows...

disorganization, laziness.

I had to kill
the entire marketing department.

Took a little longer than I expected.
Hi. I'm Kate Newell.

Of course you are.

- This is Ricky Hayman.
- Oh!

I've been reading
all about you.

- Oh, yeah?
- Twenty-seven months of flatness.

Boy, that's some sort of record.

Kate is a media analyst.
She went to an lvy League school...

Iearned all sorts
of fancy ways to sell things.

I want her to work closely with you
for the next two weeks...

and see if you can get sales
up eight percent.

Eight... percent? Yeah.
Well, why not shoot for eight percent--

Sit down.
Tell him the problems.

Okay. There are two problems.

One: The network has no identity.

If you put all of the shopping
channels together, there's
no way you can tell them apart.

I know that if we can create
a clear, dynamic identity...

along with
better sales techniques...

we will quickly pull ahead
of our competitors and easily
reach our growth target.

Identity and sales techniques.
We have a meeting in an hour...

with Scott Hawkes from New Vision
to come up with a more complete plan.

Well, good.
Well, good.

Vision, uh, is certainly good.

And New Vision--
Wow. Newer?

- [ Phone Rings ]
- [ Ricky ] Hello.

[ Barry ] Theresa called
to confirm dinner at her place,
but Charlene also called--

- Barry. Barry, any business calls?
- Oh, um, no.

- But Tim George is sitting
in McBainbridge's office--
- [ Static ]

- Later. Later.
- [ Pops ]

- [ Tyre Squeals ]
- What's happening?

Hang on. Blowout?

- This is just a great day for me...
- Okay, slow down.

just a great,
great day for me.

- When's the giant meteor
just gonna take me out, huh?
- [ Touch Tone Dialling ]

- I-- I cannot--
- [ Busy Signal ]

We're in a dead spot.

Uh, this I know.

Hey, look at this.
Ideal. Ideal.

Here, pop the trunk,
and we'll change it.

Whoo! Aah!

- [ Car Horn Honks ]
- [ Laughter ]

- Loser! [ Shouts, Whoops ]
- [ Shouting, Laughing ]

Thanks for not using a can!

I love cherry.

- [ Ricky ] Oh, don't do that, please.
- What are you talking about?

I got it right down to a--
Hey, I said, don't do that.
I got it right down to--

Ricky, you're supposed to lower the tyre
so you can tighten the lug nuts.

Katie, Katie, Katie,
l-l said don't do it.

I've got it right to the level
that I want it. I'm tightening the nut.

Okay, Mr Expert.
Okay, car mechanic, oh, extraordinaire.

I know--
Oh, man. Oh, man.

What a gal.
[ Grunts ]


- Ricky.
- What?

- Somebody's coming.
- What, Roadside Assistance?

I don't think so.


Uh-oh. He's waving.
Don't wave back. Hey, hey!

- I said, don't wave back.
- What? How do you not wave back?

When somebody waves to you,
you wave back.

Not if you don't wanna acknowledge
that person. What are you talking about?

What's he gonna do?
He's wearing his pyjamas.

- He could be dangerous.
- How dangerous could he be?

- He kisses the ground, for God's sake.
- I rest my case.

- Nothing's interesting here.
Go about your business.
- Hello, two people!

- Hi! What?
- Kate! Hello?

- He's friendly?
- What are you doing?

- Are you in trouble
and in need of my help?
- Oh, no. Thank you. No, no.

- Oh, yes, you are.
- No, we're not. Stay there.

- I'm coming over there.
- No, thank you. Stay right there.

- Stay there! Stay there!
- You need my help.

- No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, my God, no, no, no.
- Oh, my goodness.

- Go back!
- [ Both Chattering ]

See, I was right.
You do need my help.

- What do you think you're doing?
- What can I do to help you two?

- You're very kind, sir, really,
- Look at this.

- but everything's under control,
thank you very much.
- My name's "G."

- I'm Kate. Hi. And this is--
- Hi. How are you?

- Robert. Didn't I say that?
- Ricky.

Robert Ricky.
Hi, Robert Ricky.

- Nice to meet you.
- It's nice to meet you.

- Oh, it's such a--
such a treat. Take care.
- [ Chuckles ]

Would you mind if I ask
what "G" stands for?

Just "G" with a period, that's it.
That's my name-- G.

- I like that. Okay.
- Yes.

You have to excuse my appearance.
I know I'm a little sticky here.

When you walk down the road
looking like this, sometimes
people throw things at you.

- You wouldn't happen to have
a wet wipe, would you?
- Actually, I do.

I love a woman
that carries wet wipes.

- Mm, Premium Moist Towelettes,
my favourite.
- I carry them everywhere.

You do? That's your need to be
prepared, perfectly prepared.

Probably drove
your last boyfriend crazy.

What he didn't understand
is that deep down inside you
never really feel prepared.

That's why you're
always overprepared.

My God.
How did you know that?

Because he sees all and knows all?
[ Laughs ]

That was a good one. So, thank you
so much and good luck to you.

Sorry I couldn't be
of more help to you.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, no, you were wonderful,
and it was so nice meeting you.

- Oh, same here, Kate, wonderful.
Pleasure was all mine.
- Yeah.

- Nice meeting you, too, Robert Ricky.
- My pleasure.

- May we give you a lift?
- Oh, no. I have to get back
to my pilgrimage.

- You sure?
- You heard the pilgrim.

- Very funny.
- Yeah, thanks.

- I really like you. Yes.
- I like you too.

- Kate.
- It was so nice meeting you.

- It was very special.
- Yeah. Thank you. Thanks again.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.

- Now, watch out for the cars there.
- Careful!

[ Clears Throat ]

- Kate?
- What?

- Are you insane?
- What?

Is that what you do, offer guys
you meet on the highway rides?

- He offered us help.
- Oh, you're new to
this planet, aren't you?

- [ Engine Starts ]
- [ Laughing ]

- [ Squeals ]
- Oh, my God! [ Screams ]

[ Kate ]
Oh, my God.

- Ai-yi-yi.
- Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God. Is he all right?
- Give him air. Give him air.

- He's not conscious.
- Maybe he's meditating?

- Face down in the gravel?
- He was-- He was kissing
the ground before.

- Ricky, this is real.
- Wait a second. I didn't hit him.

- I know it. I stopped.
He must've, um, fainted.
- Oh, God.

- Call 9-1-1.
- Okay.

- [ Busy Signal ]
- Nothing.

Okay, okay, okay. Let's not panic.
Let's-- Let's, um--

- Let's get him into the car.
- Okay. I'll take the--

Unless-- Wait a minute.
Maybe he shouldn't be moved.

- And we just drive to a call box
and send somebody.
- Oh!

- Oh, God! No!
- What? What?

That's not disgusting. I'm thinking
things out. Let's get him into the car.

This is exactly why you don't wave.
This is exactly why you don't wave.

- Oh, it's my fault now?
- Let's not argue about it. Come on.

[ Woman On P.A. ]
Dr Hoffman, 308. Dr Hoffman, call 308.

How would you like
to take care of payment?

Payment? We just brought him in.
I don't know him.

Well... neither do l.

- Here. I'll take care of it.
- What are you doing?
What are you doing? No, Kate.

- I'm bucks up, I guess.
Sponge baths for everybody.
- Thank you.

- Hi. I'm Dr Simon.
- Kate Newell.

Oh, the doctor.
Good, good. Kate Newell.

G is suffering
from heat exhaustion...

but, more seriously,
has some arrhythmia...

an irregular heartbeat
which may or may not be chronic.

I think we should keep him
overnight and monitor him.

- Overnight?
- What do you think brought this on?

- It may be congenital, or due to...
- My thought, my thought.

some traumatic event,
a shock to the system.

We'd like to run
a few more tests to be sure.

Thank you so much. Appreciate it.
Appreciate all your time.

- Thank you, doctor.
- Don't go crazy on those tests.

Keep those to a minimum.
Thank you so much.

What? No, I heard, yeah.
I might've been responsible.

I feel terrible, but I think
he's in good hands here, don't you?

Don't you feel good about this place?
He seems so strong.

I think he's gonna be fine.
And, you know, out of every
negative comes some good.

Like what?

- Well, I think this tragedy
has brought us closer together.
- Oh, please.

What? No.

- This is gonna make
a great story for our kids.
- In your dreams.

And, of course, one's a girl.
I think we should name her Z.

You know, Annie, I was
sitting home alone one day...

and all of a sudden
I was just thinking, "Balls."

- Balls?
- Yes.

And that is when I came up
with the concept...

for the Laundry Solution
Cleaning Ball.

That's ingenious--
balls that clean.

Yes. And you know my Carl.
He is a homicide detective.

- Miami's finest.
- Oh, well, we like to think so.

And you can imagine the stains
that he comes home with.

You see, you have your blood;
you have your grass.

- You have your sweat.
- Vomit?

Oh, yes, absolutely,
that's your vomit.

- I don't see any lipstick there.
- Oh, you bad girl!

These gals have something,
don't they?

You know, I don't see
a thing wrong with these ladies.

Who better than these
bouncy, homegrown--

- Hi. I was reviewing the sales
from last night's stuff.
- What the dilly-- Oh, look.

- Tell me.
- Eddie the dog couldn't move
the grass mats, maybe sold ten.

- No. He's phoning it in.
I'm gonna talk to his trainer.
- [ Phone Rings ]


Hey, what are you doing
tomorrow at night?

'Cause I'm having a bunch
of potential distributors...

over for cocktails at my place,
including Nino Cerruti...

who's starting his new
ready-to-wear line which I would
love to get here on Good Buy.

So it'd be so great
if you could pop over.

- [ Barry ] Yeah. Hold on.
- I'm sorry. I have plans.

- Ricky. Ricky!
- You do?

There's a consonant here
to see you.

- What? Shh-shh!
- A visitor?

A bit. Huh!
No kidding?

Yeah. He doesn't know
anything about it.

It's just if you were there, you know,
it'd show support and team spirit...

and I think that it'd win him over;
I think you would.

Strictly business?

Kate, this is me.

[ Cleaning Ball Lady ]
It works so easily.

I'll try.

You simply apply
Laundry Solution to the stains.

You toss it in the washer.
That's all.

- That simple?
- That simple.

[ Man ]
What fantastic balls.

- Oh, Jesus! What-- What is this?
- [ Crew Murmuring ]

- [ Crew Chattering ]
- No!

Wait a minute.
B-Barry, call Security.

Get them on the floor
immediately, please.

- [ Woman ] Go to James Brown.
- Hello. Security?

Uh, the, uh--
I can apply this while it's on you.

- [ G ] Great. That's even better.
- [ Woman ] All right.

Stay right here.
When I say go, get him out of there.

- All right. H-Here we go.
- Right, right, right there.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

I see a face on this. Come look
at this. Do you see a face here?

- Do you see that?
- I-l-- I don't know.

Can I have your headset?
Thank you.

- Look. Look.
- [ Gasps ] It's the baby Jesus.

- No, that's not Jesus.
That's Merv Griffin.
- No? What?

- Look. Upside down. You see?
- Oh!

Okay, listen up. Jim, camera three,
get a tight shot of the sign.

Cut to camera three
on Ricky's word.

- See? Look. I'll make it look at you.
- Oh!

- See? And he's looking at--
He's looking at you.
- He's looking at me!

Sam, when I give the word,
cut to camera three and go
to the teaser for Peppertown.

- Three, get ready. Ready?
- Peppertown teaser. On his word.

It's amazing. One person's cherry stain
is another person's talk show host.

- Now.
- Go.

It's all around us. We just
have to look for it, you know?

- Good. Good, good, good.
- [ Sighs ]

- Come on. Get him out.
- [ Chattering ]

Okay. We're off. Take him to my office.
I'm right behind you.

Robert Ricky. Look at this.
This looks exactly like Merv Griffin.

- We're gonna have a talk.
Let's have a talk.
- Oh, okay.

Sorry, ladies.
We're off. H-Hang with us.

And, you know, don't--
Everybody's saying "balls" way too much.

Don't say "balls."
Don't say "blue balls."
We're selling Laundry Solution.

That's what to say. You're way
too in love with "balls," aren't ya?

That's all I feel like I'm hearing,
is "balls, balls, balls, balls, balls."

- Robert Ricky!
- I'm right there.

[ Annie ]
We'll be back on soon.

I thought it was Jesus.
It was Merv.

I thought it looked
like Karl Malden.

- Thanks, guys.
- Sure.

- Thank you, Cedric.
Thank you, Ted. On you go.
- Thank you, Cedric and Ted.

- Thank you for bringing me
to Robert Ricky.
- Okay.

- What a wonderful place
you have here. Exhilarating.
- G?

- I can feel your energy in this room.
- Yeah. Sir.

-Hey, hey, hey, hey! What are you doing?
-Bad idea? Bad idea?

- It's a bad idea? Look at this place.
- No, no. Listen. Listen.

- Hey! What's happening?
- [ Inhales ] I can feel
the excitement in this place.

- G? What are you doing? What happened?
- Yes?

I'd like to give you
the benefit of the doubt here.

- You're obviously from out of
town and look real unfamiliar.
- G!

- Oh, Kate! How are you?
- Look who's up and around.

So good to see you.
You know something? Let me tell you.

I don't know if it's you that makes this
dress look incredible or vice-versa...

but either way
it's a winning combination.

Oh, thank you.
But what were you doing?

- You can't just jump on TV like that.
- I'm sorry. I had a stain.

- Yeah. Did McB see that?
- No, I don't think so.

Okay. Well, maybe he doesn't
have to hear about it, because--

because, after all, if certain people
hadn't waved to certain people...

as well-intentioned
and kind of dopey as it was...

I think we see now that it
was very misguided; we'll
talk about the whole thing.

Listen, we're right in the middle of
our day here. Did you come for a reason?

Oh, yes, I did. I came
because the hospital just released me...

- and they informed me
that you paid my doctor's bill...
- Yeah.

and I just wanted to come down
and thank you personally, Robert Ricky.

- Ricky. Just call me Ricky.
- You're shortening your name,
just like me.

Wait till you get to just "R."
The time you'll save will put
hours on your life, trust me.

Anyway, I just wanted to
tell you thank you so much...

and if there's anything that I can do
to repay you, just let me know.

Ah, I gotcha!
I gotcha!

- You know what would
make me the happiest?
- What's that?

Knowing that you were
back on your way...

searching, healing, following
that golden, golden path of yours.

And may God, or whatever it is you
believe in, smile upon your journey.

- There's a door right
at the bottom of the stairs.
- Wait. What did Dr Simon say?

Well, the doctor told me I should stay
out of the sun for a couple of weeks...

and then I should come back
and see him, have another checkup...

and if everything panned out,
then I can resume my pilgrimage.

- Where will you stay?
- During the day, I can stay
in a shopping mall or something.

- And at night,
it's really not that bad.
- Shopping malls are great here.

- That's good.
- No!

That's not right. You wouldn't
be stuck here if it weren't for us.

Okay. Okay.
Um... here.

Here's, um... t--
Here's $180.

Find yourself a motel room,
rest up and consider us Even Steven.

Absolutely not.
There's no way I can accept money.

- I'm sorry, but thank you.
- I don't want to offend.
You're very grateful.

- Why don't you come stay at my place?
- [ Both ] What?

I mean it. I couldn't let you
stay out in this heat.

What if something happened to you?
I'd never forgive myself.

I don't know.
I don't think I can do that.

He can't do that. It's a religious
thing, Kate. You'll never understand.

No, believe me. It would be
much worse for me knowing
you were out on the streets.

It's air-conditioned.
Great pool.

- Really?
- Uh-huh. I can't cook,
but I order a mean takeout.

Oh, man. Well, I know how to eat
some mean takeout too.

And if you spill anything, you'll know
who's got the wet wipes for it.

- Or the stain ball.
- That'll be fun.
It'll be like a slumber party.

- We could dance, wear our jammies.
- This is so great.

I wish I had my camera.
[ Imitates Camera Clicking ]
Ah, this is so sweet.

But, Kate, I cannot in good conscience
let G stay with you.

This is my... fault,
now that I've thought about it.

It's my responsibility.
G, please stay with me.

I'd like you to stay
at my house.

Do you have a pool?

[ People Chattering, Shouting ]

- Having fun there, huh?
- Oh, yes. I always have fun.

- How about you?
- You're after something,
aren't you, buddy?

- Definitely.
- Yeah.

Think I'll find it?
[ Laughs ]

Hey, this thing
works really good.

Look at that.
[ Laughs ] Thank you.

Mm. Okay.

- Very nice.
Want some sheets for the bed?
- Oh, no, thank you.

That won't be necessary.
I don't sleep on mattresses.

You know, mattresses are inhabited
by flesh-eating mites...

that live off the dead skin that flakes
off your body while you're sleeping.

I don't want to go through that.
I like the floor.

It's nice and comfortable and firm.
You might want to try it sometime.

[ Chuckles ]
No. No, thank you.

I'll-- I'll stick with
the old skin-eating mite pad.

You want to be a buffet,
you go right ahead.

I'm sure the mites will enjoy.

They're having nervous Ricky flakes
tonight. [ Laughs ]

Abbondanza, mites!
[ Chuckles ]

A very pleasant good morning
to you, Ricky.

Good morning. Look.

I don't want to hear of
any beauty of life, okay?

- It's too early.
- How can you be grumpy
in a beautiful setting like this?

- Look at this beautiful place.
- I'll tell you how, Mr G.

'Cause it's all, uh...
it's all hanging by a thread.

The whole Hayman empire.

And I'm... that close
to joining you on the street.

I'm sorry.
I travel alone.

Even you won't hire me.

[ Groans ]

Oh, I threw the orange juice out.
It was smelly.

It had a little smell to it.
Why don't you try this?

I made it fresh.
It's delicious.

Mmm. Very pleasant,
very refreshing. Try it.

Now, don't drink it too fast.
Drink it very slowly.

- Take it in.
- I'll drink. All right.


- Yes. You like that?
- It's not bad. It's good.

- No, it's delicious.
- What is that?

- What do you taste in that?
- What is it, peach?

- Yes, peaches.
- It's good.

- Yes, and what else?
- I-l don't know.

- I don't know.
- My urine is in it.

- Psych your mind.
No, no, no, psych your mind.
- [ Water Running ]

It's not my urine.
I kid you. It's a joke.

It's herbal tea.

I know you like jokes. I wanted
to start the day off with a funny joke.

Trust me, my urine doesn't have
that tasty zing to it. I know.

Let's go out here and look
at the sunlight and stand in the sun.

I don't want to stay
in this apartment all day.

You can see all the way
down to the beach from here, you know.

- Let's see what you got here.
- Here you go.


You were cum laude.
That's great.

[ Phone Ringing ]

- Barry. Barry.
- Yeah?

Uh-- D-Don't tell me,
somebody else for my job?

No, no, no! Larry King doesn't interview
this many people. Really?

- Did you take him the fax I sent
you, the new image suggestions?
- Yeah. It's done.

- What you think?
- I thought they were great ideas.

- [ Phone Ringing ]
- Just great?

Uh, uh, amazing?
Uh... inspired?

- Erotic?
- Don't.

[ Sighs ] He's gotta like 'em.
I was up all night.

- I was up all night.
What else? Anything else?
- Also, the bank called.

- Uh, car guy or mortgage guy?
Please don't say mortgage guy.
- Mortgage guy.

- Hi. Hi, Barry.
- Hey.

- Miss Newell.
- Look who it is. Good morning.

- How's G?
- Oh, he's in the car. I left him there.

I cracked the window.

No, he's at home. He's fine.
Don't you want to know how I am?

Judging from McB's reaction
to your new fax, you're in rare form.

Really? What do you mean?
He liked it? No.

He liked it? Of course he liked it.
You know why? You know why?

'Cause I'm a born game-on-the-line,
final seconds, go-to guy.

Pressure is my mistress.
What'd he say? What'd he say?

- He said they were hilarious.
- Hilarious?

He was weeping in there this morning,
and it takes a lot to make him laugh.

Yeah. I know, I know.
He seemed a little... down.

- He says he can't wait
to see your real ones.
- Right.

You know, it was really smart of you
to get him in a good mood.

May make it easier for him to take
last night's numbers. Down two percent.

Grass mats were a catastrophe.
We sold one.

- You I will see later.
- Okay.

See you later.

Okay. Please, please
let this party work for me.

You know, I don't know
what's the matter.

I seem to be doing
everything wrong.

Okay. Good, better, best.
[ Snapping Fingers ]

Never let it rest until your good
is better and your better is best.

[ People Chattering ]

Oh. Hope I'm not

- Say, could we have
a little chat for a second?
- Oh, yes.

You may have noticed some
increased activity in the apartment.

Yes, I did notice all the flowers.
I think it's beautiful.

Right. That's because I'm having
a little get-together here.

- Wonderful. Oh.
- I know. It's a business function.

Now, uh... I'm not gonna
lock you in here...

'cause, well, frankly,
I think it's illegal.

But, um, as a favour to me...

uh, the guy who paid your medical
expenses and has given you shelter...

would you please...
stay in the room?

I'll be right here, Ricky.

Great. Thank you.

- That's quite an outfit
you have on there, Ricky.
- What?

Quite an outfit
you have on there.

Thank you.
Good night.

Think it's too much?

Personally, I would, um...

I would lose
the pocket thing.

Oh, the hanky?

- The hanky? Yes.
- I like the hanky.

It's just a traditional, uh--

[ Chuckling ]
I don't like it.

[ Chuckles ]

Uh, so before we start,
do you want anything?

You know, there's frozen stuff--
pizza or whatever.

And you've got a jar of that
delicious "urinade" in the fridge.

Oh. I'm fine.
I have everything that I need.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

- Have fun.
- Thank you. You too.

-  [ Jazz ]
- [ People Chattering, Laughing ]

[ Woman ]
That's what he said.

You know, our numbers are competitive
with all the other channels...

but our demographics
are just the best in the business.

I saw ads on laundry balls.

I should put my programme
next to a laundry ball ad...

when I'm entirely working
on beauty?

How can I be close to that kind of--
It's too vulgar.

Absolutely. Can I introduce you
to a beautiful person?

I'll be right back.
Excuse me one second.

- Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.

- You look just gorgeous.
- As good as a foot model?

- [ Laughs ] Better.
- Better.

Ricky, this is Scott Hawkes.

Trust me, this woman has
the most elegant toes I've ever seen.

That's fine, Scott.

- Can I take you right over to see--
- Nino! Che cosa?

Oh, Scott Hawkes.
How nice.

Yes, he's a jerk;
no, we're not together...

and, trust me,
he's the best at what he does.

- When did he see your toes?
- Why don't you introduce me?

Uh, Signore Nino Cerruti,
Kate Newell.

- So nice to meet you.
- Enchanted.

- How was your flight?
- Fine. Great.

-Great. Are you having a good time here?
-Yes, very nice, thank you.

Wonderful. Well, hopefully
we'll be able to show you around.

Gee, I see a slight
catering issue.

I'll be back in a flash.

Nino, Kate, whatever your name is,
excuse me one second.

Kate, take over, please.

Oh, excuse me. Hello.

Oh, G, G, what are you doing?
Back, back.

- Oh, I had to go stinky.
- Oh, go stinky?

Aren't you like a guru,
like an lndian fakir?

You control your bodily functions.
Try that. Try that.

Ricky, everything is so lovely,
but it's so sombre here.

- Why don't you let the people
enjoy some of your things?
- We talked about this.

- Wait a minute, G.
- I'm sure a little music
will liven this place up.

Hello. How are you?
I'm sure the music...

will lighten
this whole place up.

- What did you push? G, please.
- And the night in Barbados--

- Don't do that.
-  [ Rock lnstrumental ]

- Okay. Okay. Sorry.
- Oh, Ricky.

Liven the room up.
Kate! Hello.

- Hi, G. I'm terrific.
- How are you, Kate?

It's so wonderful to see you too.
Look at this woman.

Every time I see you, I feel like
I've chosen the wrong path.

- Aw! Thank you.
- That's spectacular.
Okay, let's go talk.

- Who's your friend, Rich?
- I'm G. How are you?

- G, Scott Hawkes,
Hawkewind Productions.
- Hello.

This is, uh, G,
my yoga instructor.

You know, sometimes I find that
a good kundalini thing, Nino...

opens up my whole--
[ Whistles ] you know, I find.

- I meditate too.
- Do you really? That's good.

I am trying to overcome
a fear of flying...

but for the moment
with little results.

Well, no-- Did you ever try
Halcyon and a double Cuba Libre?

I'm serious, just... boom,
knocks you right out.

You know, I could cure
that fear of flying of yours
without alcohol or drugs.

Oh, but you don't have time, do you?
Aren't you due back at the ashram-isha?

What's the name of the--
The chakra convention.

Could you do something really?
I'm interested.

- Oh! No, no!
- Well, you know, there are
two things that you can do.

The first thing is:
The next time you're in an aeroplane...

and you start to feel fearful, you reach
down and you grab your testicles--

- [ Guests Laughing ]
- Testicles? lnteresting.

- And then you pop them together,
and the fear leaves.
- We're gonna go now.

There must be another method,
and probably less painful.

[ Laughs ]
Yes. Well, the other method is,
I can hypnotize you right now...

and you'll never, ever
have a fear of flying again.

Yeah. Maybe later.
Can we do that later?

Nino, have you tried
the squid pomodoro?

- [ Simultaneous Chatter ]
- Mmm! I think you'll like it.
For you-- Aren't you hungry?

No, no. Really,
I'm interested. I'm curious.

The man's curious.
Have a seat, Nino.

- Curiosity is
a wonderful thing, curiosity.
- It killed s-somebody.

Put your hands palm down on your knees
and just relax. Sit straight up.

- And I need a lighter.
- I got a Zippo.

You do, Scott Hawkes?
Okay. Perfect.

Everybody gather around.
Hi, everybody! My name is G.

- [ Guests Together ] Hi, G.
- Hi. I'm going to be hypnotizing Nino.

He's having a problem here
with fear of flying.

We're going to try to get him over
that fear. I'm gonna hypnotize Nino...

and try to help him out here;
kind of like a party trick.

I want you to just relax
and just watch this flame, yes?

Just watch the flame.

Just relax, Nino.

Your eyes are getting
very heavy now.

You're getting tired
and lost in the flame.

You're going to sleep.

You're completely asleep
right now, Nino.

Nino is asleep.

- Shh!
- Shh!

He's asleep now.

Nino, your left hand
feels very, very light.

It's going to start
to raise up very slowly.

It's starting to float up.

On its own it's floating up.

You can let it hang there,
right there, Nino.

You see?
This is a party, you know.

- Maybe I should get him to bark
like a dog or something.
- Oh, G, no.

Get over there,
or I'll kill ya.

Okay. Nino,
put your arm back down now.

Put it back, back down.

The plane's taking off.

You're a little nervous, like you
always are when a plane takes off.

This time when it takes off,
it's smoother than it's ever taken off.

You didn't even feel the plane
leave the ground that time.

You're up in the sky,
and it's smooth sailing, Nino.

Wow! This feels great.

What's that up ahead?
Looks like a storm cloud.

It is a storm cloud. I can see
the pilot's trying to avoid it.

He can't.
It's too late.

Nino, we're in. We're right
in the middle of the storm cloud.

You start to feel turbulence.

The plane is shaking.
You start to feel it dip and sway.

Oh, so much turbulence.

How can this tiny metal object
stay up...

in this sky
of vast destruction, Nino?

You're getting scared. The stewardess
just passed out at your knees, Nino.

You felt the plane drop
a thousand feet in elevation.

- You felt your stomach
shoot up right into your neck.
- [ Breathing Quickens ]

The captain's voice
comes over the intercom.

This is your captain speaking.
This is your captain speaking.

God help us!
We're gonna crash!

Oh, my God!"

[ Rapid Breathing ]

You're right there, Nino.

The last moments of your life.

Right now, you're right there.

But you're not thinking
about dying.

- You're thinking about your loved ones.
- [ Breathing Slows ]

You're thinking about
your family and your friends...

and all the special moments
that you shared with those people.

You're feeling blessed with
the gift of life that you received.

That's what you're thinking about.

You're not afraid right now
at all of anything.

You're at one with God.

You've let go.

Now, when I tell you to,
open your eyes.

When you open your eyes, you'll be
completely feeling refreshed...

and you won't even remember
anything that's happened.

You'll never be afraid
of flying in a plane again.

Now open your eyes, Nino.

- How do you feel?
- Wonderful.

- [ Guests Laughing,
Murmuring, Cheering ]
- All right!

A hypnotizing swami.

You got any other
party tricks?

Actually, yes, I do. I have a trick
called The Disappearing Rolex Trick...

that's quite
a party stopper.

Cool. Do it.

- Can I borrow your Rolex?
- No, no, no, no.

- Come on, Scott.
- Are you kidding me? No, no.

- It's a good trick.
- Do you have any id--

- Scott, Scott, Scott, Scott!
- [ All ] Scott, Scott, Scott, Scott!

- All right, all right.
- Oh, okay. I'm gonna need
a handkerchief as well.

Does anyone have
a handkerchief?

- Oh, Nino, thank you.
And we need a hammer.
- Wait. Whoa. A hammer?

Don't worry.
Don't worry.

- Here. Take my shoe.
- Oh, that'll work perfectly.

Now for the Ricky shoe.
What size is that?

- This is a 12.
- That'll get the job done.

Definitely. Okay. I want you to see
that I'm taking the watch...

and I'm placing it right in
the middle of the handkerchief.

Everyone, see the watch
going into the handkerchief.

- [ Watch Rattling ]
- Closing the watch up
in the handkerchief. All right?

-That's right.
-Can you see that? You wanna touch that?

-It's in there, right? Okay. Here we go.

We place the watch
on the table.

We take Robert Ricky's
trusted size 12, and--

[ Guests Gasping, Murmuring ]

Whew! Ricky.

- [ Rattling ]
- That sounds really broken, doesn't it?

- Doesn't it? Yeah?
- [ Guests Agreeing ]

[ Gasping ]


That was great.

- That was good. Okay,
give me back the watch now.
- I can't. It's gone.

- It's disappeared.
- No, but seriously,
that's a $10,000 watch.

I am serious.
It's The Disappearing Rolex Trick.

It's not The Reappearing Rolex Trick.

-Good night, everybody!
-Yo, Gandhi, give me back the goddam w--

[ Guests Gasping ]

Be careful what you wish for.

That's not funny.
That wasn't funny.

[ Ricky ] Champagne for anyone?
Anyone for champagne?

[ Man Singing Reggae On Boom Box ]

 [ Vocalizing ]

 Yeah, ah la la-la la 

- Mmm. Ah, you're sure?
-  [ Continues ]


He asked us to watch
his pj's for him.

Oh, yeah?

I-- You know, I'm sorry.
I don't, uh-- I don't see him.

Ahh! Ricky!

Come in the water with me!

Oh, I'd love to, really,
but somebody has to pay the rent.

Come on, Ricky, one swim.
Then go sell things on television.

Yeah. Well, that's kind of what
I wanted to talk to you about.

Can I just have a word
for a second, G?

- What's the matter? ls there a problem?
- No, no problem.

I just wanted to put a little bee
in your bonnet for a second.

Oh, ho, no, no, no!
Okay, I see.

- Hello. No, no, no. Free Willy. I see.
- Oh.

- No, no, no. Just-- Just--
- Very funny.

Listen. The Nino Cerruti,
you know, from the party...

his lawyer called this morning
and said that they're interested
in a deal with us...

and that he had a great flight back to
Milan, and, in fact, he's buying a jet.

- Oh, that's wonderful.
Did it make him happy?
- Yes.

You have such a--
a special quality.

I now realize that
between you and me...

we could make a difference
with the world in a very unique way.

So, here's my idea. Listen, G. G?
G, here's the thing.

What if you went
on my network...

and talked to people
and made 'em feel good?

You want me to sell things
for you on television?

Yeah. Well, uh--

You'd be telling people
on the air about how material
things can refresh the spirit.

Isn't that your idea?

Unless they're used to replace
more important things,
which they usually are.

Wow. Wow,
I just got chills.

I just got chills. Amen. You have
an important message for the world.

And, listen, what better way
to get it across than on TV?

You could help thousands, millions of
people feel better about themselves, G.

Wow! What do you think?

How about you?
Will it make you feel better?

Me? I don't know.

-That's not the point. Me, I feel great.
-Oh, no.

No, yes, that's exactly the point.
Will it make you feel better?

I'm gonna lose my job
if I don't do something soon. So, yeah.

Yeah, it could really help me.
That's the truth, like that.

What do you think?

Okay, I'll do it,
but only one condition.

Really? What?

- One condition.
- Okay.

- It's nonnegotiable.
- What?

Ahh! Oh!

- Ahh!
- Ahh!

[ Laughing ]

Shark, shark, shark,
shark, shark!

It's a joke. It's a joke.
There are no sharks.

[ G Laughing ]

[ Ricky ]
Yes. This is good.

[ Laughing ]

Bars out.

[ People Chattering ]

And bring him on camera--

I've made you up to look like
you have on no make-up at all.

That's a metaphysics
I didn't even know existed.

Twenty seconds to air.
Stand by. Clear the set.

Lock it up on the stage. Nice and quiet
all around, please. Here we go.

Thank you. Go to the booth
and make sure the price lists
are typed in continuously.

- Got it.
- Hey! Ah, oh, oh!

G, one more thing.

Think of the camera
as your best friend...

your best friend
that really needs mixing bowls.

Here we go. Stand by, please.
In five, four, three--

Fade up camera one
and cue the consonant.

[ Snaps Fingers ]

[ Whispering ]
Talk. You're on. You're on.

You're on. We're rolling.
Live TV. Go.

What's the plan?

G, go, go.
Talk now.

[ Whispering ]
The little red light on the top is on.

[ Sighs ]

No, no, no,
it's not traffic.

No, it's TV.
Talk. Talk!

Talk. Now. Now.

Talkie, talkie,
talk, talk. Go.

- I--
- Oh, good, he bought a vowel.


- I--
- "I."

I wept...

when I saw a man
who had no shoes...

- until I met a man who had no penis.
- What?

- Can he say that?
- He just did.

Now my one special friend is listening.
I think I have your attention now.

- [ Man ] What do we do, Ricky?
- Stay with him.

- Stay with him.
- Ricky, he just said "penis."
Why did he say "penis"?

- I don't know.
- There's gotta be a reason.

Howard Stern says "penis" all the time.
What's wrong with that?

And he's huge. It's shocking,
which is good. It's good.

I have a question for you:

- Good question.
- Why are we here?

Is it to lie in bed alone
and call up a TV station...

so you can buy more things?

So you can collect
as many things as possible...

in the little finger-snap of time
you have on this planet?

- That's why we're here.
- That's our credo, I think.

He's talking.
He's looking at the bowls.

- He weaves a magical web
of charisma and--
- Mm-hmm?

I guess that's
a good way to go.

How about this?

- Whoa.
- Where's he going?

- He's gone.
- Where'd he go?

- He's going on the Morgan set.
- She's live!

Hi. I'm here to tell all of you
wonderful home viewers...

about new lnsta-Tuck...

the nonsurgical,
do-it-yourself facial toner.

Oh! You hook your face up
to this car battery?

Well, we don't call it
a car battery.

- It's okay. It's okay.
- He's on Morgan's set.

- And why did--
- It's okay. She's a pro.

- The lnsta-Tuck power source
fits right on your nightstand.
- Oh!

- This looks a lot like a battery.
What do these things do?
- Well, it does, but--

No, don't do that.
Don't do that! I'm wired.

- [ Imitates Static ]
- No-- Yeah. Not pretty.

She loves improv.
You know that about her.

Wasn't she, before the series, a member
of The Groundlings, or Lemmings?

All you have to do
is attach the lnsta-clips...

to the key lift points
on your scalp.

- Key lift points on your scalp.
- Yes. Uh-huh, right here.

He's engaging her.
Look at him.

He's like a child, and not even aware
of the camera; that's what I love.

And you just let the little
electronic energy pulsars
do all the work for you...

while you sleep.

So you go from grandma
to grand mama...

- in one easy push
of the button. [ Hums ]
- [ Electronic Hum ]

She's never been so alive.
She's never been so alive.

- Oh!
- See?

So the look of surprise
is the youthful look.

Well, hopefully, yes. So the years
just melt away with lnsta-Tuck.

Oh, that's fascinating.
May I see the remote control unit there?

Ooh, don't.
Don't hand your life over to him.

I think this would be fantastic
for a surprise birthday party.

- Surprise parties--
You could say, "Surprise!"
- [ Crew Laughing ]

- [ G ] It's your birthday!
- That's kind of funny, guys.

You look so youthful
and surprised.

You know what else
this'd be good for?

"Madam, I think you've just
won the one million dollar lottery!"

- Oh, my God.
He's electrocuting Morgan Fairchild.
- That's not funny.

Even better still, the Martians
have landed, and they're taking you...

- back to Mars with them.
- No, no, no, st--

- [ Whimpering ]
- What we have here,
ladies and gentlemen...

is a beautiful woman who's trying
to convince you that you're not enough.

- That you're not beautiful enough--
- Oh, my God, he's leaving it on.

Oh, let her go.
Let her go, man. Let her go!

You don't need lnsta-Tuck to be
beautiful. You're already beautiful.

- Did he say, "Don't buy this product"?
- He said, "Don't buy--"

That's an interesting way to sell.

All you have to do to be
beautiful is just be yourself.
This woman's already beautiful.

She doesn't need lnsta-Tuck.
Even-- I'm sorry.

- [ Clicks Off ]
- This beautiful woman here,
you don't need lnsta-Tuck.

Oh, interesting angle. Uh-huh.
You know what? This is personal.

I know what's
happening here.

He knows I'm trying to sell stuff,
and this is a personal attack.

He's undermining me.
He's sabotaging me.

I made a deal with him. I explained it
to him. I went in the water with him.

I have a question for you.
If you could be the Dalai Lama...

- or a beautiful Baywatch babe,
which would you choose?
- Baywatch babe.

Now, think about it. I know
the Baywatch beauty is so desirable...

and she has the perfect body
and she runs up and down
the beach with a bikini on.

That's a really hot girl,
the Baywatch beauty, right?

But the Dalai Lama has total inner
peace and spiritual enlightenment.

There's no comparison.

Don't you agree?

She agrees.
Here. Oh!

- [ All Chattering ]
- Ricky, what do you want to do?

I-l-l don't know.
I could go back to school, I guess.

[ Mickey ]
...the size on this one, folks.

This is the saw you want, boys.
Bucking, pruning, trimming.

The hotellrestaurant business
always held a real lure for me.
I'm a people person. What?

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hello. No.
- So give us a call,
and I'll carve you a great deal.

- [ G ] Nice chain saw.
- Who are you?

Oh, I'm new here. I'm a friend
of Ricky Hayman's. Hi, Ricky.

- Just curious about chain saws.
- Incoming. Mayday. Mayday.
This is a disaster.

This is a massacre.
You've got to be kidding.

Can I hold it? It's a dandy.
Can I have the weight in my hand?

Feel the weight
of that chain saw. Wow!

- It's a heavy one. Be careful.
- Oh, yeah.

- [ Ricky ] He's staying at my home,
and this is his gratitude?
- He gave him the chain saw.

- This is gonna be good.
- This is not good.

I have a question.
If I said to you...

you could watch me sculpt
the Venus de Milo with my hands...

or chainsaw
this entire studio...

what do you think
their call-in vote would be?

For creation or destruction?
You guys call in now. Call.

He's hitting every single set.
He's cutting a-- It's a clean sweep!

He's making a clean swath from one side
of the studio to the 'nother!

I know just what they want.

- [ Saw Running ]
- Whoa! Now would be a good time
to talk about the safety features.

This is good.
McBainbridge'll love this.

Oh, no.
You've gotta be kidding.

He's chainsawing our Happy-Time
redwood picnic table.

More? Of course you want more.

And bench.
He got the whole set.

[ Chain Saw Engine Stops ]

Now, I admit that was fun.

But I ask you...

why do we yawn at creation
and thrill at destruction?

- Why?
- Okay. Okay.

- Ask yourself why.
- Here it is. Here's his agenda.

Let me tell you, I've been
watching for a long, long time,
and I don't like what I see.

I really don't.
Everybody's anxious and scared.

Everybody's working all the time,
but what do you really gain?

And our kids-- Our kids
play with computer pets
because they've learned from us...

to trust machines
more than they do people.

We acquire,
we consume and we waste.

He's barking mad.
He's a lone nut.

And that's not
how it was supposed to be.

I promise you
that was not the plan.

And I think it's time some things
changed around here. Don't you?

- What the hell is going on here?
- Turn your sets off.

- TV history?
- Okay, cut him, cut him.

Here's your chain saw.
'Night, Ricky.

Here you go.
Right there.

 [ Muzak ]

Would you guys excuse us, please?

I need to talk to Ricky alone.

- Okay, guys.
- Barry, just for a moment, please?

[ Clears Throat ]
Yeah. I'm out.

What were you thinking?

I don't know.

Ever since you guys showed up,
all I do is go backwards.

You know, it seems like no matter
what I've done you get offended...

or, you know,
I make him mad and--

I mean, I didn't--
I don't wanna lose this job.

I-- You know,
I like workin' here. I--

I like selling.
I'm good at it.

I think.
My dad was a salesman.

On the road.
You know Evinrude Motors?

Yeah, outboard motors.

He did the whole Lake Erie region,
both sides of the border.

Wow. I drove with him...

for a couple of--
a couple of summers.

Man, this Caprice he had
was like his home.

The stick shift he would make
his place for rubber bands.

He'd keep all his rubber bands
on the stick shift.

And then he had his notes
all organized...

with paper clips
in a very particular way.

And red liquorice.
Boxes of red liquorice.

We had a good time...

for a while.

What happened?

Oh, bad luck, I guess.

Nobody water skis
on a dead lake.


You know, he tried anyway,
but, uh--

You know, you start to push
and get sweaty, and they can smell it.

- Wow. This is so weird.
- What?

I'm starting to think of you
as a real person.

Well, yeah. Sure.

This whole broken,
pathetic husk thing is just--

You know-- I know.
It's very appealing.

[ Laughs ]
Well, if ya got it, flaunt it.

I'll see you tomorrow.

- Yeah.
- [ Door Opens, Closes ]

- If I may say--
- You're through, Hayman! Get lost!

- Hey.
- How'd it go with McB?

- Fine, fine.
- What happened?

Oh, he was very gracious.
No legal action.

And he gave me a full 15 minutes
to leave the premises.

[ Kate ] Come on. Move.
He's flying to D.C.

- We can still catch him
in the parking lot.
- Who is?

- The boss!
- No, Kate, it's over.

Not when he sees these.
Come on. Put that down.

[ Kate ]
These are the numbers from G's show.

- Caller volume spiked
the second he came on.
- So what?

They were probably calling
to get that nutcase off the air.

- He reached them. They liked him.
- Oh, geez.

They wanted to buy something;
they just didn't know what.

John, this is a 30%%% jump.

Major audience connection
with a spokesperson. Ricky was right.

What the hell are you saying?
We give this maniac another chance?

Ah! Which maniac
would that be?

I thought about this all night.
G shook them up.

He's dangerous, but he represents
an honesty that people are longing for.

Totally. And he represents
a spirituality--

on a home shopping network?

I'm sorry. Did I say spirituality?
I think I mean unconventionality.

- Unique, heartfelt, wise.
- Pithy.

- Pithy?
- Survey after survey shows...

that after people buy,
they feel guilty.

Even if they can afford it,
they feel it was wrong to buy
something for themselves.

Why not put somebody on the air
who makes them feel good
about themselves for a change?

Absolutely. And, listen,
let me just work with the guy
and let me focus his message.

I think-- We think that G could
give us that unique image
that you're looking for.

- Give me the deadest hour
of the day. 2:00 a.m.?
- [ Chuckling ]

All right.

But l--
I kid you not...

if I'm embarrassed in any way,
shape or form, it is
going to be both your asses.

- My ass entirely. Well--
- My ass too, sir.

[ Beeping ]

[ Beeping ]

I mean, that's rough, you know,
but... you get the idea.


You're a hungry one,
aren't you, Scott?

- Excuse me?
- No need for excuses.
I'm a hungry one too.

But what is it you really want?
It isn't this.

I want all of it--
the whole thing.

Give me the network.
Let me run with it.

I'll give you a redesign that'll
double sales inside of 18 months.

What about Kate... and Hayman?

Kate's smart.

She wants to stay on
and work for me, fine.

Hayman can call in
and buy things...

just like everybody else.

I can't believe
we're doin' this again.

- [ Man ] One minute!
- Okay. A nice, deep breath.
That's good.

- One minute!
- What do you think? One minute!

- You with the programme? You with us?
- You're a natural.

- Are you with us?
- Oh, yeah.

Okay, okay. Now remember--
Let's go over this one more time.
Here's the TelePrompTer.

- Okay.
- And when the red light goes on,
you're on, start reading.

- Okay.
- Remember, hold the product up.

- Fifty seconds!
- Okay, we're gonna be in the booth.

- Okay.
- You're a natural.

That's 'cause I love
show business.

- And show business loves you.
- Show business. It's a business.
Show business.

Camera one up.
Camera two standing by.

- [ Men Chattering ]
- Audio up.

- [ Man #2 ] Audio. And five--
- And count it off.

Four, three.

- Oh, please speak.
- Mr Mum, Mr Hush. I can't believe it.

- Hello.
- Okay. Hold it up.

...wonderful new product
we have here.

It's called
the starfish pendant.

- He's holding it up.
- He's good.

It's made out of two-karat gold,
wonderful two-karat gold,
which makes it very charming.

Because it's so very light,
it's easy to wear.

And kids love it.
It looks great at parties.

And the starfish pendant--

Talk. Keep reading,
keep reading.

- I have something better
for you than a necklace.
- Oh, no.

[ Chuckles ]
This brought back a memory.

- Something that happened to me
when I was a little boy.
- Memories are good.

There was a storm.

And thousands and thousands
of starfish were washed up on the shore.

- Only four days ago you waved him over.
- Let's just hold on, hold on.

And there was this beautiful
little girl running down the beach
picking up the starfish.

She was frantically throwing them
back into the ocean.

When I saw her doing this,
I said to her, "Why are you doing that?

You can only save a few before they die.
What difference does it make?"

And she looked at me
and she said...

"To that one,
it makes a difference."

"To that one, it makes a difference,"
that little girl said.

And she was right. At that
very moment, she was making
a difference for that starfish...

and she was making a difference
for herself too because she
was connected to that starfish.

And that's what life
is all about-- connecting.

In fact, that's the only time
you're ever alive, really,
is when you're connecting.

That's kind of a nice story.

That's sweet. That's sweet.

Well, thank you
for tuning in.

And remember, let go...

give in and take the journey.

Oh, wait!
One other thing.

I work here
with my friend Ricky Hayman.

Where'd he get that?
Where'd he get that picture?

- He asked. I just--
- [ Kate ] Oh, Barry, you didn't.

- What?
- I-l didn't--

Ricky doesn't like himself
because he doesn't think...

he's a good person 'cause he
can't see all of his good qualities.

- So-- Can you come in closer?
- Sam, frame off the picture.

- Oh, this is--
- Sam, Sam.

- I didn't--
I didn't know he was gonna--
- Don't go in close. Don't.

- Don't, don't.
- Go in close.

Don't. Don't go in close. Sam!

- Too late.
- Oh, this is everybody's joke?

- Yes.
- I see. Ha-ha-ha.

It's funny day.
Hey, cheesy.

Don't. No.
Don't, don't, don't.

There's two things you can do for me
for my friend Ricky Hayman.

If you run into this man anywhere,
if you see him anywhere...

one thing is,
go up to him and tell him...

something nice about himself
to build up his confidence.

Compliment his dress
or his hairstyle or something.

"You look great today, Ricky."
Something, you know,
that's reassuring to him...

because he has a very,
very low self-image.

This is the lowest moment
of my life.

And the second thing is you--
Hug him.

No, this is
the lowest moment of my life.

- [ Kate Laughing ]
- If you see this man, give him a hug.

He really, really wants to be hugged,
and he's not used to it.

- No!
- He really needs it.

No, no. No.

[ Laughing ]

I just wanted to tell you
I think you're really--

really tall.

- Very nice.
- Thank you for the national
humiliation. Thank you.

Wait, wait, wait. Look at this.
Humiliated today, hero tomorrow.

Hey, take a look at this.
Look at the numbers.

- Unbelievable.
- Are those the actual numbers?
Those are the actual numbers.

- These are the pendants?
- He did it.

- [ Man #1 ] Look at that.
- [ Man #2 ] I can't believe it.
It's awesome.

My friends, do you have food
that goes to waste?

You ever thought about using
your drive time to cook
a meal for your family?

Do you feel the need to store
your vegetables and lunch meats forever?

We say wet it again...
with Foggy.

It's the Hood Buddy--
the air filter that uses the heat...

of your gas-guzzling engine
to cook fabulous meals while you drive.

Lil Squirt--

it's a festive fountain
that gives your fanny...

"a kiss of refreshing mist."

But look what we did with Foggy!

We made banana mush.

Soot gives it a unique, unrivalled,
rich, hearty, robust aroma.

Why would you dry these bananas out
in the first place?

Then I have two words
for you, G-- suck it.

Lil Squirt. This is probably the
nastiest product on the entire network.

- 10-4, Hood Buddy.
- Yummy.

[ G ] Today is the first day
of the rest of your life.

But let's face it.
The seat-warmers...

that you're sitting on are getting
more out of life than you are.

Yes, they are.
And if I were you-- and I am you--

If I were you,
what I would do...

is I would embrace
each and every new day...

Iike it was a long-lost lover...

and squeeze all the life juice
I possibly could.

The juicer, the juicer.
Sam, get a shot of the juicer.

- Juicers, juicers. Okay, tight shot.
- Kitchen-Aid, 79.95.

Kitchen-Aid juicer, 79.95.

- Fabulous.
- Go, go, go.

[ Woman ]
Home shoppers have found a new guru.

His name is G, and he's a mixture
of higher thinking and lower prices.

Okay, get off the phone.
You have to look at these.

- [ Ricky ] I'll call you later.
- "TV Guide," "Time," "Forbes."

Correct me if I'm wrong, sir--
[ Chuckles ]

I don't wanna
put words in your mouth.

- It felt to me as if we had a deal.
- Well, you felt wrong.

I said if Hayman screwed up,
you were in.

He didn't.
This G goof of his...

is the biggest thing to hit
home shopping since the cubic zirconia.

That doesn't pique
your Sherlock Holmes brain cells?

My God, the man has no history...

no social security number,
no driver's licence...

voter's registration,
birth certificate, nothing.

G isn't even a name,
for crying out loud.
You don't find that curious?

Yes, I do.
I just don't find it illegal.

There is a definite Talmudic
wisdom to G's philosophy.
He is clearly a student of the--

Koran figures prominently
in G's aphorisms.

And I'm sure
he will tell you he's--

A student of the New Testament.

G's essential
religious foundation...

so clearly echoes the teachings
of Jesus Christ...

that I wonder if he might not have spent
some time in the seminary himself.

No, don't change anything.
I wanna keep it simple.

What? What did I tell you?
Every market.

Right! Every market.
Let's run it everywhere. Full page.

- I don't care how much it costs.
Save me this stuff in the--
- Right.

What? A week. Let's run it
for a week, see what happens.

- No, man. Thank you.
- [ Beeps ]

Hi, nice to see you--
talk to you. Hi, hey!

- Hey. Hey.
- [ Kate ] Hey!

The, uh--
We're glad to get you.

Listen, we're just sittin' around here--
I know it's sort of last minute.

- We were--
- Wondering if I wanted
to go out for a drink?

Exactly right. The, uh-- I don't know
what you have a taste for, but--

- How about the Breakwater?
- I love the Breakwater. It's, um--

- What time is it? 7:00?
- Can you pick me up in half an hour?

- We will see you in one half hour.
- Great.

 [ Singing ln Spanish ]

 [ Continues ]

[ Music Ends ]

[ Thunder Rumbling ]

- [ Car Door Closes ]
- [ Ricky, Kate Laughing ]

Oh. Oh.

- Oh.
- [ Chuckling ]

- I'm wet.
- You're so wet.

Look at that. Well, Scott
was certainly right about one thing.

About what?

You do have elegant toes.

[ Laughs ]

Scott was, um--

What? You two dated?

A while ago.

For about a minute.

Well, you know,
he seems like a--

- [ Laughing ] Like a determined...
- Yeah.

- guy.
- Scott was very interested in me--

in our relationship-- until he got
his introduction to McBainbridge.

What? Feel like he used you?

He did some work for us.
Made me look good, so...

I guess we used each other.

All's fair, right?

I had a really nice time.

I had a nice time too.

I'll see you tomorrow.

See you later.


I loved our dance.



[ Car Door Closes,
Footsteps Approaching ]

[ Shouting, Chattering ]

- It's G.
- What's happening?

Somebody came forward, some woman.
She says G's her husband.

Says he has a whole family--
six kids-- in Chicago.

- Just walked out, abandoned them.
- Oh, I don't believe that.

- She's holding
a press conference in an hour.
- Where?

It was time
for this charade to end.

This man, G, had already
hurt me and my kids.

And, well, when I saw this...

I knew I couldn't let him hurt
any other innocent people.

Well, isn't this just lovely.

Scott, get us out of this.

Okay, people.
Here's the bitter truth.

The only way we're gonna get out
of this in one piece is to face it.

So, I'm sorry, but, Ricky, Kate,
you're gonna have to resign.

G hasn't said
if she's telling the truth.

G, do you know this woman?

Yes, that's Grace from Chicago.

She's holding little lris
and that's Michael and Lloyd with her.

Excuse me a second.

- Where are you going?
- Going to say hello.

[ Reporters Clamouring ]

- [ Woman ] G, do you know this woman?
- Kids, hi!

It's so good to--
Everybody's gotten so big.

[ Man ] G, how long were you married
before you deserted Grace and the kids?

- What?
- G, why did you marry Grace,
father six children...

and just run off
in the middle of the night?

You, you know what you did.
You left.

- Now, that's true. I did leave.
- Why did you lie to America?

- We trusted you.
- How many other families
have you destroyed?

- Give us the real story.
- [ Man ] What is the truth here?

[ Shouting Questions ]

Are you concerned
about possible jail time?

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Please, wait a minute.

[ Shouting Questions ]

Stop, stop.
I lied. I lied!

[ Shouting Stops ]

I lied for the money.

G-- G's a saint.

He's not my husband
or their dad.

I wish--

He stayed with us
a few winters ago as a friend.

He helped us.

I am so sorry.

I thought--

You know, I just--

It's all right.

Okay? You all right?

That man.

I called him,
and I told him that I knew G.

- Who's she talking about?
- He offered me money. Five grand.

$5,000 to get up here and say
a few words, to get up here and lie.

He paid me to lie about G.

I'm sorry. I may be poor, but there's
your bad man right there! There he is.

- Where?
- Scott Hawkes!

[ Crowd Chattering ]

[ Shouting Questions ]

[ Man ] ls this a conspiracy,
Scott, or were you by yourself?

[ Keys Jingle On Ground ]

- No, I have no comment.
- [ Ricky ] No more questions.

- [ Shouting ]
- Privacy. Just a little privacy.

- I only have a comment at this point.
- Tell us the truth.

Don't, don't, don't-- Let him alone.
Let him have a little privacy.

And, uh-- No, I wanna
take care of that.

Listen, I've been empowered
by Mr John McBainbridge...

to offer Grace $5,000...

on behalf of G
and the Good Buy Network...

uh, as well as $5,worth of Good Buy products...

including the, uh...

new George Foreman Lean Mean
Fat Reducer Grill Machine...

that's available only
on Wednesday nights on George's
show here on our show.

- This sounds like a publicity stunt.
- Certainly is not, Tanya.

It was what it was, and let's all
continue on our journey.

Thanks so much.

[ Tune: "Beethoven's Fifth Symphony" ]
 G, G, G, G 

 G, G, G, G 

Oh. Don't you think
we're going a little far?

With what? The announcer?
It's the top of the show. Pizazz.

We're just kidding around with that,
but I want to make it an event.

[ Announcer ]
Here's G!

Would your life be better
with a bigger TV set?

- Yeah, sure.
- On Sundays, yeah.

- Or a V.C.R.?
- TV set, V.C.R.

[ Gasps ]
Or a laser disc, yes?

He's especially excited about
laser discs. Great. Look up
the numbers; get ready to type.

- No.
- [ Together ] No?

- No.
- [ Chuckling ]

No, no. Can't you see?
This-- This doesn't mean anything.

- My clothes don't mean anything.
- I just wish he weren't
so... anti-everything.

You know what's
really important?

- I'll show you. Come on.
- Oop, here we go.
Fasten your seat belts.

- Come with me?
- Come with me.
- Let me show you.

This is important.

This is crucial.

This is something that every person
should have in their life.

This is a gift
you will never get tired of.

Her name is Kate, and she is
as wonderful as you possibly can get.

And you know why?
Because when you talk to Kate...

she listens to what you say.

And that's more important
than any V.C.R. and any television.

Isn't that right, Kate?

I'm sorry.
I wasn't listening. What'd you say?

How could you not love this woman?
How charming is she?

How wonderful is she?
Let me tell you.

Let me tell you what everybody
out there needs to find
ultimate and true happiness.

Come back, Brutus.

Seventy-five years. That's
how much time you get if you're lucky.

Seventy-five years.
Seventy-five winters...

seventy-five springtimes, seventy-five
summers and seventy-five autumns.

When you look at it like that,
it's not a lot of time, is it?

Don't waste them.
Get your head out of the rat race...

and forget about the superficial things
that preoccupy your existence...

and get back
to what's important now.

Right now, this very second.

And I'm not saying drop everything and
let the world come to a grinding halt.

I'm saying that you can become a seeker.
You can be loving more.

You could be taking some chances.
You could be living more.

You can be spending more time
with your family.

You can be getting in touch
with the part of you that
lives instead of fears...

the part of you
that loves instead of hates...

the part of you that recognizes
the humanity in all of us.

And I tell you,
that's where your fortune--

Oh, there it is. It was a momentary
bobble. We're back, we're back.

Careful, Brutus, don't fall down.
I want you to see something.

Something very, very important.

Okay, right here.

Can you fill the screen up
with this grass here for me, Brutus?

That's the answer right there.

That's what it's all about,
right there.

Just take a little break
just for a second.

Just, just look at this,
this beautiful...

peaceful parcel of earth
around us.

Go ahead, wherever you are.

Just go look at some grass.
Go ahead.

Just go do it.
Just, just go--

Just go look at some grass.

Speedy, come on over here.
Take a look at this grass.

[ Ricky ]
Barry. Barry! Barry. Barry.

Gentlemen, battle stations,
battle stations.

J.P., we're just about to
get ready to shoot here live.

Okay, go, go. Barry, Barry!
Where is he? Where is he?

Come on, come on, come on!
We're just about to cut to you.

Hold up the mat. Yeah.
I want you to talk about the mat.

- Okay?
- I don't wanna. I'm not on-air.

- Let's call it a peaceful parcel.
- "Peaceful par--"? What?

- Do you understand?
- I'm not-- I'm not on-air--

Go, go!

Can we-- Are we--
We're gonna go in tight, right?

'Cause I don't--
Oh. Oh, man.

Okay, Sam, what's up? Barry,
he's on the floor with one of his mats.

The grass mats. Get ready to go to
a shot of him or a close one on the mat.

Right. One, on Barry.
Two, tight on mat.

- Here we go.
- Ricky, I am not on-air talent!

Also, get ready to go
to the graphics. Ready!

- Okay, graphics prepped and ready.
- You have to let go--

Of your worries.

- Go to graphics.
- Go to graphics.

- Go to G.
- G.
- G up.

- Give in--
- To your desires.

- Go to graphics.
- Graphics.

- Go to G.
- On G.

- And take the journey--
- To your telephone...

and call the Good Buy Channel...

where the good buys
are available 24-hours a day.

- Go to graphics.
- Graphics.

- Go to Barry.
- And to Barry.
- Cue Barry.

[ Stammering ]

- Thanks, G. [ Chuckles ] Um--
- [ Ricky ] Good.

You're watching the, uh,
the Good Buy Shopping Network...

where the grass is always...
just a little bit greener.

- [ Phone Ringing ]
- Look at him go.

This is Kate.
Hi, Mary.

Great. I'll tell him.

Well, we don't have to worry about
what to do with the grass mats.

- They're selling out.
- Already?

Now, that's what I like to hear.
The grass mats are selling out.

- All right!
- [ Laughing ]

Thank you so much.
Good job.

[ Barry ] lf you're feeling bad,
and you want a little spring...

in your winter--
[ Continues lndistinct ]

[ Crowd Shouting ]

Well, that was just the best macaroni
and cheese dinner I think I ever... had.

Kraft in the box is,
of course, the classic...

- but you have a... touch.
- My pleasure.

- Are you okay?
- I'm fine.

Wait a minute.

The way you say
"I'm fine--"

What's the matter?

I'm worried about G.

Remember when we first met him?

He was so happy.
And that smile.

And now he just seems drained.

Well, like us.
You know, it's all the work.

Right, it is all the work. And now that
he's caught on, it'll only get worse.

It started so simply, and now it's
become this whole, big production.

It's the Hayman
and Newell circus...

with the G chants and the orchestras
and the announcers.

- Kinda fun, huh? Kitsch.
- Oh. Today...

- Yeah?
- at the station, they were
pitching me things that go...

- way beyond the G T-shirts.
- What did they show you?

They have got
this cheese spread...

- named after him called--
- G Whiz.

- [ Chuckling ] What? ls that terrible?
- Oh.

- You knew about this?
- I helped come up with it.

- I thought it was funny.
- Oh, Ricky.

- What?
- What about that wrapping ribbon...

- called the, the--
- G String.

[ Snickering ]

Look, I mean,
who are we hurting anyway?

You know, the people who are
getting this amazing message?

I don't think so. You know.
Certainly-- Are we hurting G?

You know, instead of getting stuff
tossed at him on some lonely highway...

he's reaching America,
he's reaching the country.

Who's losing out?
It's all good.

Yes, but we are making money
off of that image.

But-- No, but so does every religion
that sells a crucifix...

or a Star of David or a stick
of incense is making money.

And, you know,
everything that we sell...

people are buying, I think,
'cause they feel closer to G.

And if they wear a G T-shirt,
people think, oh, you know...

what he's all about,
what he's talking about,
and they become better people.

Don't you think so?
I think so.

The difference is...

- What?
- G would do this for free.

I think we should let him go.

[ Stammering ]

I mean, he's not chained in my basement,
you know. He's a free man.

- But what are you talking about?
- It's the right thing to do.

I've decided
to take G prime time.

I'm gonna give him his own
half-hour show. What's the matter?

- Surely you don't think
this is a bad idea.
- No, no.

He has the broadest appeal of any
on-air personality we've ever had.

Yeah, that's right,
that's right, but, uh--

And I love the idea of a new G show.
I was thinking the same thing.

This is so funny. That's why I wanted
to talk to you. Listen to this.

I think it's a great idea.
What if--

uh, we start a show--
whatever time slot--

with G and other hosts?

Wait a minute.
An ensemble show...

where G doesn't have to,
you know, carry the whole thing.

- We could even phase him out
at some point--
- Are you nuts?

He's the guy they're interested in.
I don't understand your hesitation.

Oh, wait a second.
Wait. I know.

- Yeah.
- I know, and I understand.

- Yeah!
- You're upset because I promised
I'd take care of you...

if this took off, and I haven't.

- Oh. Oh.
- Yet.

But if you launch this...

and if you make it work...

then... everything
you've wanted...

everything that you have
ever dreamed about will be yours--

an office next to mine...

a view of the studio, a car...

the perks, the bonuses--

everything will be yours.

- And Kate?
- To hell with Kate.

Do you wanna produce the show
or don't you?

Look, as far as I'm concerned,
Kate is indispensable.

We couldn't have gotten here
without Kate, and...

my deal would have to be in place,
'cause, that's right...

- you said the last show,
if I made that work--
- I also said...

to get G signed up, and have you
done that, Mr On-the-ball?

- Yeah, he's been here.
- I don't see any paper.

Oh, well, that's just
a matter of signing.

Why? He doesn't have a pen?
You get him signed up.

And then...
we'll talk your deal.

Whether you're a lover of jazz,
gospel, classic or rock...

you'll be able to select
the kind of sound...

that is going to fit
whatever kind of music you enjoy.

This is the stereo that really does
give you all kinds of features...

but it does it
in a compact size.

So if it's gonna go on a bookshelf,
if it's gonna go--

[ Continues lndistinct ]

[ Clears Throat ]
Am I bothering you?

No. How could you ever bother me?
I love talking to you.

That's what I wanted to do--
talk with you.

- Ricky and I were thinking--
- [ Phone Ringing ]

Excuse me one second. Hello?

Yes, Dr Simon.

[ Chuckles ] So tell me, how long
before I can continue my journey?

How could it be chronic?

Uh, how can it be chronic?

Well, i-it's chronic because--

It's chronic because of the decrease
that we registered in your--

[ Coughing ]
I'm sorry, I got--

I got a little phlegm there. And--
[ Clearing Throat ]

[ Coughing ] Yeah, the, um,
the decrease we registered in your "N--"


I'm sorry, l-l couldn't
read my own writing.

You know, doctor's handwriting.

Uh, that number
was sufficiently...

Iow, so...

ass two, as to...

that you...

have a...

poor heart--

At this time, I'm--

I'm, uh--

I'm afraid, uh, that you, uh...

need to--

Stay on the floor!
Uh, no, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I was, uh,
giving instructions to my dog.

Yeah, I'm-l'm afraid that
this time you need to, uh...

stick... around...

for several months, or...

- perhaps until the end of time.
- [ Toy Squeaking ]

Uh, just a little
doctor joke there, G.

- [ Squeaks ]
- [ Chuckling ] Yeah.

No, I'm just calling
to make sure that you're okay.

Yeah, l-l-l know
that you're disappointed.

No, as soon as the heat breaks,
I'll-l'll call to...

make another appointment.

Yeah, I'm sorry.
Thanks. Bye-bye.

[ Sighing ]

[ Sighing ]
Did he buy that?

I think so.

He sounded awfully sad, though.

He did?

Okay, now I can get him
to sign the contract.

- Oh, my God.
- Kate! Kate!

What, what, what, what?
No, what? Where are you going?

Ricky, how? G trusted you.
I trusted you.

- You can trust me.
- Oh, please!

Okay, honey, that was wrong.
That was wrong.

Listen, sweetie, don't be upset with me.
I need-need more time.

But don't be upset.
Not when everything's goin' good for us.

Going good? I just watched you
lie to our friend.

No, but that was isolated. I didn't
wanna do it. I'll tell you all about it.

I had a meeting with McBainbridge
this morning. I had this idea...

which I alluded to last night,
about phasing him out eventually...

but he said my job depends
on getting him to sign this contract.

Oh, so all's fair, never mind
what's good or right for anybody else.

- No, no, I think
you're being irrational.
- Trying to persuade me...

- I'm stupid is not a good way
to win the argument.
- Okay, okay.

Just tell me what you want me
to do to make it right. Please.

Okay. Okay.

No, Kate.

John, I wanted to talk to you
about Ricky's contract.

Speaking of contracts,
is it settled?

- Is what settled?
- I'm putting G on prime time.

His own show. Hayman's gonna produce,
if he doesn't screw up.

Oh, he won't screw up.

Ricky's a go-to,
game-on-the-line guy.

In fact, that's what I wanted
to talk to you about, John.

I wanted to recommend
that you renew Ricky's contract.

I think the two of you
make an excellent team.

What the hell
is that supposed to mean?

You two are cut from the same cloth.
Anything for a buck. Destroying G--

Hold it a second! lf I recall, you're
the one who talked me into using G...

with your 30%%% rise in calls.

Well, I was wrong.
I wish I never had.

Well, if you don't like it, fine!
Now you've said your piece.

But it's not your network,
it's my network...

and nobody tells me
how to run my network.

I created you. You walk when I tell you
to walk. You run when I tell you to run.

And you sell what
I tell you to sell!

I will not sell my soul.

- Kate, wait a minute. Wait a minute.
- [ Phone Ringing ]

Kate, Kate, Kate, Kate, Kate!

I just can't believe I was
right about you after all.

I never wanted to be wrong
so much in my life.

- Ricky Hayman?
- Yeah.

[ Phone Beeps, Dialling ]

[ Ringing ]

- Hello?
- Kate, hi, it's Ricky.

- [ Clicks ]
- Hello?

- [ G ] A contract?
- Yeah, it's, uh...

it's for six months with provisions for
extending it if things are going well...

and you're gonna be paid...
very well, of course.

But you can put some aside
for your future...

or, or, uh,
give it to a charity.

Is this what you want?

Because if this is what you want, all
you have to do is ask, and I'll do it.

[ Sighing ]
Yeah. Would you sign?

 [ Woman Vocalizing ]

Well, Mr Hayman,
what have we here?

Ah. Is this
what I think it is?

Well, I'll be dipped in shit.
You have done it, my boy.

I can't believe it!
[ Laughing ]

 I like spaghetti, I love meatballs
Viva la compagnie 

[ Laughing ]

Proud of you! Proud of you!
Come on.

Let me usher you
to your new digs.

Follow me. Follow me.

 [ Vocalizing Continues ]

Well, here you are, Hayman.
The command module.

All systems go.
[ Chuckles ]

And I want you to screw your courage
to the sticking post and blast off!

[ Chuckles ]
Proud of you, my boy. Proud of you.

 I like spaghetti, I love meatballs
Viva la compagnie 

[ Laughing ]
 Viva la, viva la, viva I'amore 

 Viva la, viva la, viva I'amore 

 Viva I'amore, viva I'amore 

 [ Vocalizing Continues ]

- Hello?
- Please don't hang--

I just want you to know that G's in
the studio, and we're almost ready...

so you should get down
to the control booth.

Okay, be there in a sec.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

 [ Vocalizing Continues ]

Here we go.
Camera one, you are wide shot.
Camera two, you're tight on G.

Camera three, you are roaming
on product. Camera four,
you're ready. Stand by.

- Camera three, are you ready?
Come on. Back it up.
- G's ready. He's out of make-up.

- Oh, there you are.
- Here I am.

- Ready?
- Very much so.

- Okay.
- [ Man ] One minute!

- Show time.
- Yeah-- Wait, wait.

Uh, you know what?

Don't do it.
Don't-Don't do the show.

Don't do the show.
Leave the studio right now.

- Continue your journey.
- What?

Yeah. You know, it's not you.

The show's-- if you do it,
you're gonna be big, big.

Everybody's gonna be
crazy about you, but, uh--

Just go and--
[ Sighing ]

You had a call two days ago
from Dr Simon.

That was Barry pretending to be
Dr Simon. I put him up to it...

and your heart is... fine.

- What?
- I know my heart's fine.

So is yours, Ricky.
So is yours.

- What do you mean? You knew?
- Oh, yes, I've known all along.

Well, so why'd you stay?

I stayed 'cause I wanted to help you,
and because I like you.

But most of all, you really
make me laugh. You're a very funny man.

Yeah, well, I've gotten--
I've gotten...

so that I don't wanna strangle you
so much as I used to.

But-But, uh--
You know, really...

take off, 'cause, you know,
I'm gonna, you know--

I don't wanna change my mind,
you know--

Beautiful man, Ricky.

I'm a dead man.

All right.

[ Choir ]
 G, G, G, G 

-  G, G, G, G 
- And cue announcer.

It's The G Spot!

a higher state of consciousness...

and nonstop shopping!

- Here's G!
- Fade up, camera one. Cue G.

[ Applause ]

[ Chanting ]
G! G! G! G!

He's always full of surprises.

- Surprise, surprise, surprise.
- Hang in there, guys.

- [ Applause Subsides ]
- Hi, I'm Ricky Hayman.

[ Scattered Applause ]

What is he doing?

Thank you.
And G, um...

is my friend.

And he's... a special fellow.

- [ Applause ]
- I know-- Yeah, I know
you guys know that.

That's why you're here
or why you're watching.

But that's also
the reason that, um...

I couldn't let him
do this tonight.

So-- Yeah. I'm here to apologize
to you and to our viewers...

'cause G agreed to continue
doin' this show if I asked him to...

but I had to, uh, let him go.

- [ Together ] Let him go?
- [ All Chattering ]

Because I knew that he...

would be happier in his heart...

if he continued on his journey.

And it wouldn't have been
right of me to keep him here.

I mean, you don't know me, but this is--
For once in my life...

I wanted to do the right,
the right thing.

I mean, he doesn't care
about worldwide audiences, certainly...

or fame or money,
for that matter; that's me.

[ Ricky ]
I'm, I'm guilty--

Get me Security!
I want Hayman out of here! Now!

- All G cares about
is for us to see life...
- [ Ringing ]

as the gift that it is.

- Kill this!
Yank that son of a bitch!
- [ Applause ]

Okay. Sure.
What would you like me to go to?

- Anything!
- Okay, sure. Let me find--

Oh, for Christ's sake.
I'll do it myself. Assholes!

...real, real hard.

Of course, I'm not G.
I'm just a...

a regular, a regular type,
but, um...

I think...
I'm finally gettin' it.

That you never...
feel more whole...

and right...

than when you love...
another person...

and when you know that
that other person loves you back.

And I had that.

But I might have
messed it up just a...

just a little bit ago.

Her name's Kate, and, uh...

she made me wanna do better--

to do what was right.

And I didn't listen.
And I'm real, real...

sorry... that I didn't
do this before.

[ Sighing ] Not that doin'
the right thing hasn't cost me.

You know, I've lost my job.

- [ Sympathetic Murmurs ]
- Yeah, the--

[ TV Clicks Off ]

The second G was out,
so was l, but, um--

You know-- Hey!

Look, look who's there. You know who
that is? That's, uh, Mr McBainbridge.

Can you get a shot of Mr McBainbridge?
Turn around.

Will, can you please get
a shot of Mr McBainbridge?

- This is my boss, or my ex-boss.
- [ Audience Booing ]

No, no, no.
No, no, wait a second. Wait a second.

- [ Booing Continues ]
- No, no, no, don't boo.
Don't boo. He's not evil.

He's just, uh, alone,
I think.

You know what he needs is--
[ Stammering ] a hug.

If you see this guy on the street,
give him a hug. Or, no,
better yet, give him a kiss.

- Give him a big kiss... on the cheek.
- [ Applauding, Laughing ]

- It'll help him.
- [ Laughing ]

Don't fight him, Mr McBainbridge.
Ah, they're fighting like two bears.

Mr McBainbridge.
Mr McBainbridge.

We love you,
Mr McBainbridge. Yes.

Oh, I like you too.
You too.

You too.
Y-- What?

- [ Ricky ] Say it. You're on TV. Say.
- [ Phone Ringing ]

- Barry, there's a call for Ricky.
- [ Chuckling ]

Put it through to the floor.
Ricky, you've got a phone call.

I do?

- Should I take a call? l--
- [ Audience ] Yes!

Okay. Hello.

[ Kate ] This isn't fair. I should
have my own show to answer you on.

- Kate?
- It's Kate!

- [ Cheering ]
- Yeah!

- It's Kate.
- That's nice.

You've been so public about your
feelings. I wish I could do the same.

Well, maybe QVC'll give you a show.
Where are you?

I'm in the car racing to get to you.
I would have called-- [ Static ]

- We lost her. Hello?
- Hello?

- Hi, hi, there you are.
Where are you now?
- I'm so close.

- I'm at the studio.
- I'll see you at the front.
I'll see you at the front door.

- [ Applause ]
- What do I do?

- What do we do? I don't know.
- Stay with him. Stay with him.

I'm on it.

Brutus, Brutus, you're missing
all the good stuff, Brutus.
Move it, move it!


- [ Cheering ]
- [ Cheering ]

- [ Cheering ]
- [ Sobbing ]

- They're so sweet together.
- Yeah.

Yeah, okay.
Now move around.

Move to the left. Move to the left.
Come around. Come around left.

Yeah. Oh, that's beautiful.
Oh, that's great. That's great, guys.

Oh, this is great stuff.
This is great stuff.

- [ Chuckling ]
- Come here.

[ Barry ] Oh, they're taking off.
Go with them again. Follow them again.

Keep goin', keep goin'.
Oh, that's beautiful.

- Stay with them.
- Don't do that!

Way to go, Ricky.
Way to go.

- I'm sorry.
- It doesn't matter.

- I'm so sorry.
- It doesn't matter.

I love you.

[ Whispering ]
I love you, Kate.

[ Kate ]
Goodbyes are so sad.

Yes, some goodbyes
are very sad.

And other goodbyes are like,
"Hallelujah, that pyjama-wearing...

urine-sipping, floor-sleeping freak
has left my house forever."

[ Laughing ]
That really was herbal tea, right?

- I don't know, Robert.
- [ Laughing ]

Maybe you'll come back.

You know, winters are
really great down here.

We're gonna be together
whenever we think about each other.

For me, I promise
that'll be every night.

Goodbyes are sad.
Especially this goodbye.

- I really don't wanna say goodbye.
- Uh-uh.


Robert Ricky.

Your good is better.
Your better is blessed.


 Everybody's got a thing 

 But some don't know
how to handle it 

 Always reachin' out in vain 

 Just taking the things
not worth having 

 But don't you worry
'bout a thing 

 Don't you worry
'bout a thing, mama 

 'Cause I'll be standing
on the side 

 When you check it out 

 You say your style
of life's a drag 

 And that you must go
other places 

 But just don't you feel too bad 

 When you get fooled
by smiling faces 

 But don't you worry
'bout a thing 

 Don't you worry
'bout a thing, mama 

 'Cause I'll be standing on
the side when you check it 


 When you get off 

 Your trip 

 Don't you worry 'bout a thing 

 Don't you worry
'bout a thing 

 Yeah, everybody needs a change 

 A chance to check out the new 

 But you're the only one
who's seen 

 The changes
you take yourself through 

 But don't you worry
'bout a thing 

 Don't you worry
'bout a thing, pretty mama 

 'Cause I'll be standing
in the wings when you check it out 


 Don't you worry
'bout a thing 

 Don't you worry 'bout a thing 

 Don't you worry
'bout a thing 

 Don't you worry 'bout a thing 

[ Vocalizing ]

 Yeah, 'bout a thing, baby 

 Don't you worry
'bout a thing 

 Don't you worry
'bout a thing, sugar 

 Don't you worry
'bout a thing, mama 

 Don't you worry 'bout a thing 

Special thanks to SergeiK.