The House Bunny Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the The House Bunny script is here for all you fans of the Anna Faris movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some The House Bunny quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

The House Bunny Script

  

  
It all started 27 years ago.

  
That's an orphanage.

  
That's me in the basket.
I guess somebody didn't want me.

  
I hear they did want
the basket back, though.

  
But it was fine in the orphanage.

  
That's me in the third row.

  
I wasn't very popular.

  
Of course, everybody wanted to be adopted.

  
Luckily, lots of families came.

  
And everybody got to go live with a family.

  
Oh, except me.

  
But I tried not to give up hope.

  
Then, one day,

  
something magical happened,
just like out of a fairy tale.

  
Do you remember the one
where the wolf huffed and puffed

  
and blew the piggies' house down?

  
And he was wearing a glass slipper,
I think, and he had a pumpkin?

  
Plus there was that other thing?

  
Well, the same thing happened to me,

  
only vastly different.

  
I changed.

  
And the next thing you know,
people seemed to like me for once.

  
And then pictures were taken,
and suddenly I found the family

  
I always wanted.

  
Oh, I forgot to tell you, my name is Shelley.

  
Now I live in the Playboy Mansion.

  
And this is where I want to live
happily ever after.

  
- Throw the ball to me, Kim.
- Oh, nice catch. Awesome throw.

  
- Hey, Lauren.
- Hi, Shelley!

  
Hi, Hef! Hi, girls!

  
Hi, Shelley. Looking good.

  
- Marvin!
- Oh, hey, Shelley.

  
Thank you.

  
You guys have to try one of these.
Marvin makes the best margaritas.

  
That's 'cause they're mangoritas.
I invented them myself.

  
I added my own little Marvin twist to them.

  
Well, you're the best twister I know.

  
No, Shelley, you're the best twister.

  
- Shelley.
- Hi!

  
Why are you keeping the rich,
good-looking, famous guys all to yourself?

  
- You should introduce me.
- Oh, of course.

  
Guys, this is Cassandra.
She's only been here for a few months,

  
but everybody loves her,
because she's super-beautiful

  
and she never throws up on anybody
when she's drunk.

  
So, Shelley, are you a centrefold?

  
She wishes.

  
Yeah, I do. So keep all your fingers crossed.

  
Hopefully Hef'll give me the good news
this weekend at my birthday party.

  
I've got my "turn ons" all ready
and everything.

  
Being a centrefold is the highest,
most prestigious honour there is.

  
It says,
"I'm naked in the middle of a magazine.

  
"Unfold me."

  
I gotta tell you,
it seems you've got a pretty good life here.

  
Oh, it's paradise.

  
We are just one big family. I am so happy.

  
Why would I wanna live anywhere else?

  
I love this one. Don't you guys?

  
We'll put this on the Mansion tab
and have it all sent over this afternoon.

  
Aren't we just the luckiest girls
in the whole world?

  
Yes, you are.

  
Your birthday party on Friday's
gonna be so much fun!

  
Shelley!

  
Oh, my God.
I bet you're gonna get Miss November.

  
Good morning, Shelley.

  
Rise and shine, sweetheart.

  
Good morning, Marvin.

  
Good morning, Pooter.
You're looking dapper.

  
Your blueberry French toast is ready.

  
Ooh-la-la.

  
That's French, right?

  
Yeah, but more important than the food,

  
I actually added something
to your orange juice.

  
Oh, Marvin,
thank you so much for telling me.

  
Usually I don't find out until much later.

  
Oh, no. To add zest to the drink,
first I put in some vanilla extract,

  
then, of course, some egg yolks,
and then, I have a secret ingredient.

  
All right, you twisted my arm,
it's chilli powder.

  
Yeah. It just explodes your taste buds,
so the drink just envelops your mouth.

  
Oh, I love having my mouth enveloped.

  
What's that?

  
Is this from Hef? Is this my birthday gift?

  
Oh, Pooter, is it finally happening?
Am I Miss November?

  
That's what I wished for
when I blew out my candle.

  
Oh, my gosh, I just told you my wish.
Now it won't come true.

  
I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to tell, it just came out.

  
My teeth couldn't stop it.

  
I take it all back, I take it all back.

  
Okay, I'm ready.

  
"Dear Shelley..." Oh, my gosh, that's me.

  
Wait, there's more.

  
"Please move out
of the Mansion immediately."

  
Move out?

  
"You have two hours to collect
your belongings and leave the premises.

  
"All my love, Hef."

  
Hef's kicking me out?

  
Why would he do that?

  
This is my home. This is my family.

  
I hate to say this, Shelley,
but maybe it's because of your age.

  
But I'm 27.

  
Yeah, but that's 59 in Bunny years.

  
But I just turned 27 last night.

  
It's almost like I'm still 26.

  
Or 58.

  
I've gotta talk to Hef,
maybe he'll let me stay.

  
Hef!

  
Hef!

  
Hef!

  
Hef!

  
Where is he?

  
He left for Vegas, Shelley.
I don't think he's that good with goodbyes.

  
Why is this all happening?

  
Where's my pink Prius?

  
The Prius actually belongs to the company.
This is the car you came here with.

  
But...

  
Come on, Pooter.

  
We have to go find a new place to live.

  
Come on, now.

  
Come here, Pooter.

  
Here, let me help, Shelley. Hey, Pooter.
Shelley's calling you now.

  
Come on, Pooter.
Go with Shelley, buddy. Pooter!

  
That hurts! Go with Shelley, Pooter!

  
Damn it!

  
Why don't I just keep him here
for a little while, until he calms down?

  
Okay.

  
Well, don't worry, Pooter.

  
I'm gonna find us a really nice place to live,

  
and then maybe you'll wanna
come live with me.

  
I'm sure he will.

  
Well, you take care, Shelley.

  
Bye.

  
I know it's an embarrassment
to live in a beat-up car,

  
but don't lose faith, Pooter.

  
I'm gonna get a great job soon,

  
and find us a super place to live,
with a new family.

  
I pinkie promise, Pooter.

  
Good evening, ma'am.

  
You violated Code 753.
That's unlawful spitting.

  
I was just brushing my teeth.

  
You currently residing in this car, ma'am?

  
I'm gonna have to issue another ticket.

  
Would you maybe stop giving me tickets
if I told you I was having a really bad week

  
because I used to be a Playboy Bunny,
but I got kicked out of the Mansion

  
because I'm 59 years old?

  
I'm gonna have to ask you to step out
of the car and take a Breathalyser.

  
Okay.

  
Noises.

  
I'm gonna need you to blow on this.

  
Really?

  
I guess.

  
You tried to do what?

  
To a cop?

  
Stupid!

  
I was just doing what he said.

  
He was in a uniform and everything.

  
Don't worry, sweetie.
First-timers only get one night.

  
You'll be back on the street selling
in no time.

  
But I'm not a prostitute.
I was just brushing my teeth.

  
I like your tights.

  
And, you know,
you should really go for a more natural look.

  
All that heavy makeup
just hides your beauty.

  
I'm a dude.

  
Oh, well, you're good like that.

  
So, did you hear
about the pool party at Jordan's?

  
It was unbelievable.

  
- Oh, last Saturday?
- Yes.

  
- Oh, my God. He makes the best margaritas.
- Yep. It's because he uses mangos.

  
- No. Really?
- He read about them somewhere.

  
Yeah, mangoritas.

  
- Jordan's just so hot.
- I know.

  
So are all his friends.

  
Yeah, seriously,
I've tried to hook up with all of them.

  
- No, you have not.
- Yes. Yes, I did.

  
Two of them, I succeeded.

  
- Really?
- It was amazing.

  
Who knew?

  
I was so excited.

  
Looks like a mini-Playboy Mansion.

  
- Hi.
- Hi.

  
Hi.

  
Can I help you?

  
Yes. I would like to live here, please.

  
Oh, I know, right?
But you have to be asked to live here.

  
- Do you go to this school?
- This is a school?

  
Where are the desks?

  
No. This is a sorority house at a school.

  
And you do look like an older,

  
sluttier version of the type of girl
we would want.

  
But, I'm sorry, you're not a student.
It was so nice talking to you.

  
- But I really think it's...
- So nice.

  
And our piano is from Tuscany.
Very high-end.

  
I believe that every detail of the house

  
should be a reflection
of the girls who live here.

  
Hi. Do you ladies go to school here, too?

  
Not any more.

  
We're the housemothers
of the sororities on campus.

  
That's so dope.

  
Do you live in the houses with the girls?

  
Yes.

  
That's even dopier.

  
So, what do housemothers do?

  
We oversee the meal plans,

  
chaperone the social events,
make sure the girls stay out of trouble.

  
Oh, my gosh. That's exactly
what I used to do back at the Mansion.

  
Can I be one, too?

  
I'm sorry. This is a sorority, not a brothel.

  
A brothel?
Oh, I'm not looking to make soup.

  
I'm looking to be like you.

  
I wanna be a housemother.

  
We have standards.

  
Standards that you clearly do not meet.
But it was nice to meet you.

  
But I just want to...

  
- So nice.
- So nice.

  
Try Zeta. Their last housemother was
hospitalised with hallucinations.

  
Awesome.

  
Awesome.

  
Hello?

  
Dean Simmons. Please, please.
We are trying so hard. I promise you.

  
This seems really unfair.
And I'm not gonna attack you.

  
I don't want you to feel attacked by all of us,
so I'm just gonna say "me."

  
To me, this feels really unfair.

  
Natalie. Look, I feel the same way you do.

  
But the fact remains,

  
you guys have not met your requirements
for three years running now.

  
And I'm under a lot of pressure
from other sororities

  
complaining that we're bending
the rules for you.

  
By "other sororities,"
do you happen to mean Phi lota Mu?

  
I really don't think
it matters who complained.

  
Natalie, rules are rules.

  
Drama queen.

  
Oh, I'm sorry I scared you.

  
Do you think you could help me
out of here, though?

  
What? Yeah.

  
Thanks.

  
I'm so sorry, I think I broke your Z.

  
Oh. No, it's okay.
It falls off, like, every time we open the door.

  
Well, at least you still have T and A.

  
T and an A. Who are you?

  
My name is Shelley,
and I'm here to be your housemother.

  
Well, it's nice to meet you, Shelley.

  
But, unfortunately, he...

  
It's a little too late.

  
We're about to lose our charter,
so if we don't have a house,

  
we won't really be needing a housemother.

  
Well, why are they gonna
take your house away?

  
Because we get no pledges,
and everyone kind of thinks we're losers.

  
That's so sad.
Why does everyone else get all the pledges?

  
Well, they have great parties, and

  
boys actually like them.

  
I'm an expert at parties and boys.
I'm a Bunny.

  
Men write to me from prison,
sometimes in their own blood.

  
I mean, I assume it's theirs, who knows?
I don't.

  
I'm sorry, I'm nervous right now,

  
because I really wanna help you guys,
because I know I can do it.

  
Wow, a Bunny?

  
Like a centrefold?

  
Oh, bless your heart, no.
Just a couple of small pictorials,

  
"Girls of the Midwest," "Girls with GEDs,"
"Girls of Charlie Sheen."

  
But now I'm a homeless person.

  
God, I'm so sorry.

  
Good luck.

  
Wait, but I can really help you guys.

  
So if we don't get pledges,
we lose our charter?

  
- We need 30.
- Thirty pledges? There's seven of us, dude.

  
Technically, 71l2 now.

  
Hey!

  
Oh, nothing a little fertiliser can't help.

  
Not you, Tanya.
I was talking about Harmony.

  
Actually, 73l4 as of Tuesday last week.

  
Guys, we're never gonna get
that many pledges.

  
This is just their way of shutting us down.

  
This is awful.

  
Hey, Joanne, just FYI,

  
you've got refrigerator magnets
stuck to your brace again.

  
Actually, we need that.
That's our grocery list.

  
I knew that. I knew that.

  
- No, you didn't.
- Did so.

  
- Why do we need knee-highs?
- Oh, my God.

  
Oh, my God. There's boys on our lawn.

  
Are they lost?

  
Nice.

  
The Leaning Panther. I like that. Yoga's hot.

  
So, are you a Zeta?

  
Oh, I wish.

  
Yeah, I do, too, because Zeta would be my
new favourite hizzety-hang.

  
Well, she is not a Zeta,

  
because she's our new
hizzety-housemother.

  
She'll be hizzy-tizzies...

  
She'll be here all the time.

  
You're hiring me?

  
Oh, give me some of that.

  
Oh, God bless her.

  
- Why are they acting like that?
- Yes.

  
Oh, that's boys just being boys.

  
Thank goodness.

  
Oh, my gosh! I am just so happy
that you guys want me here.

  
You are not gonna be sorry.

  
So this is how we're gonna get pledges?

  
Hiring an archaically superficial reflection
of the male fantasy?

  
Well, guys like her.

  
And since guys don't like us,
I figured she could help.

  
So, in order to be in a sisterhood,
now we have to be popular?

  
No, no. In order to keep our house,
though, we do have to be popular. Yes.

  
So, I figured Shelley here could
teach us how.

  
Okay, look, don't get me wrong. I love guys.

  
But I lived in a house filled with girls
for nine years,

  
and I know that there's nothing better
than just being with your sisters,

  
sharing, talking all night,
painting each other's bodies,

  
baking penis cookies,
playing with monkeys...

  
- Where'd you live?
- The Playboy Mansion.

  
No, that doesn't make her a hooker. Sorry.

  
She's shy. She's just...

  
She's so shy. That's Lilly, also, by the way.

  
Lilly.

  
And this here is Harmony.

  
Harmony.

  
And Carrie Mae.

  
Carrie Mae.

  
And then Joanne, over there.

  
Joanne.

  
Wow, you hired the Exorcist. That's great.

  
What is that?

  
Is that like a Yoda thing, or what?

  
It's fun, but, what...

  
Oh, no, no. It's just this thing I do
to remember people's names.

  
Natalie.

  
So, thank you guys so much
for letting me be your housemother.

  
No, it's no problem.

  
Because you just...

  
This is just gonna be great.

  
But I have to go take a shower,

  
because I haven't had one since
I slept in my car and spent the night in jail.

  
Sweet.

  
- Hi, girls.
- Oh, my God!

  
Shelley! Hi. Where's your robe?

  
Oh, I just like to air dry.

  
Oh, she just likes to air dry.

  
My God, you're so vapid.

  
Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much.

  
You're like the hundredth person
who's told me that.

  
Shell? Just a quick little side note,

  
I don't think that some
of the girls in this house

  
have even seen their own bodies naked,

  
so they probably don't really want
to see your perfectly engineered boobs.

  
Well, I'm just walking around
in the body God and Dr Borkman gave me.

  
Hey, Shelley, why don't you throw
some clothes on?

  
We've got a lot of work to do.

  
This year, we are gonna get
lots and lots of pledges.

  
Okay.

  
Oh, we also need to raise money
for our philanthropy.

  
What's a phila-canopee?

  
Oh, no. It's a philanthropy.

  
It's like a charity.

  
Oh, I love charity.

  
One time, at the Mansion,

  
I even let Bob Saget grind on me
during a slow dance.

  
And here's a list of ideas
I came up with for fundraisers

  
that might make us a little more popular.

  
So, please take a read.

  
"Start a beekeeping club."

  
We could have the masks, even.

  
"Paleolithic bake sale."

  
Hi! Dinosaurs!
Like, everyone saw Jurassic Park.

  
"B.Y.O.M."

  
Bring your own man?

  
No. Bring your own mouse!

  
Which is better.

  
Because they're cute and they're little
and you can hold them.

  
And also, another thing that
I thought of was, you could dress them up.

  
It's the whole fun part of it,
is you can put them in little outfits.

  
You can make, like,
an Abraham Lincoln mouse.

  
And you could do like Joan of...

  
Why do everyone's eyes glaze over
when I talk about this?

  
Whoa. No.

  
No, they weren't glazing.
They were just taking a break.

  
Natalie, these are super, super-great ideas.

  
Thank you. I worked really hard.

  
But we might wanna try
something a little more

  
sexy.

  
Car wash. Come get your car washed.

  
Here we are at the Zeta House Car Wash.

  
I have a car, and I'm great at washing it.

  
I am so offended right now.

  
Come on, guys, let's give her a chance.

  
- Car wash.
- Car wash!

  
You said you needed to raise money.

  
Well, washing cars is a fun and sexy way
to make all the money that we need.

  
So, car wash!

  
Car wash.

  
We're having a car wash.

  
Car wash.

  
No, I can't bend that way.

  
Hey, watch this, guys.

  
Hi, guys.

  
Dude, that's wild.

  
Oh, my God. Shelley, that's Colby.
I'm in love with him.

  
Oh, that's so sweet.
How long have you guys been going out?

  
No. We are not going out.
I've never even talked to him.

  
And he's coming this way. What do I do?

  
Do sexy.

  
Wash these cars, you sexy bitches!

  
They are filthy. And so are you!

  
Did she just call us bitches?

  
Did she just call us sexy?

  
Wash! Wash! Wash!

  
Wash! Wash! Wash! Wash!

  
- Hey, girls.
- Hi.

  
Okay, that's the first time
we've ever spoken, so... First time.

  
Hi!

  
We're just washing cars and being sexy.

  
Mostly sexy.

  
So, does anybody want a wet T-shirt?

  
- Yeah.
- Or, you know, maybe some wet pants.

  
Someone went accident in her sexy pants.

  
So, anyway, we're having some drinks
over at Theta later.

  
- Theta.
- Totally.

  
You wanna come over?

  
Yes.

  
Well, we are a little thirsty.

  
Maybe you guys are, too.

  
Why don't you have a drink right now?

  
I'll take a little sip.

  
I am so sorry.

  
Thought I'd help you wash the testosterone
off your face, Colby.

  
Well, cool.

  
So, what time can we drop by for drinks?

  
Now that you mention it,

  
the guest list is looking pretty full.

  
So, maybe next time, all right?

  
Hey, Super-brace!

  
Oil can. Oil can.

  
Not cool, man. Let's go.
Come on, come on, let's go.

  
Well, I think we're done here, sexy bitches.

  
Thanks a lot, Mona.

  
The one chance I get to talk to Colby,
and you completely ruin it.

  
Yeah, because the whole
peeing-in-your-pants thing

  
was really working out well for you.

  
Thank you.

  
My car's still dirty,
so I'll be out here if you need me.

  
Do you want a car wash?

  
Me?

  
Oh, no. No. I have a bike.

  
Besides, I gotta get back to work.

  
Oh, yeah. I know all about work.

  
I'm at work right now, actually.

  
Oh, do you wash cars?

  
No. I'm the Zeta Sorority Housemother.

  
You seem a little young
to be a housemother.

  
Really?

  
You think I'm young?

  
Oh, thank you.

  
Thank you.

  
I'm sorry to invade your space,
but I needed that.

  
So, what's your job?

  
Oh... Job.

  
I manage a nursing home.

  
It's so great you give nurses a place to live.

  
Actually, it's a nursing home
for senior citizens.

  
An old folks'... Old people. Old people.

  
I know lots of old men.

  
Hairy and not hairy.
But I don't mean to brag.

  
So, they live there?

  
Like an orphanage for old people?

  
Well, yeah. I mean, that's one way
you could look at it. Yeah.

  
Their parents are gone,
and they live in a big building

  
all by themselves,
wondering where everybody went,

  
and I think I'm gonna cry.

  
Listen, if you want, you know,
you could stop by the nursing home,

  
because we always need
volunteers to help out

  
and visit with the old people,

  
if you're interested.

  
Yeah. I'd love to.

  
My name is Shelley.
And I like long walks and hate rude people.

  
Oh, that's good to know. I'm Oliver.

  
- Oliver.
- Yes.

  
I like taking long walks with rude people.
Only on short piers, though.

  
That's funny.

  
- You're funny.
- Thank you.

  
- Bye.
- Bye.

  
Guys.

  
Okay, this isn't my fault. Don't like...

  
I know it was a disaster, but she's...

  
You guys, I just had the best idea
for our phila-tropy.

  
Philanthropy.

  
We are gonna volunteer
at Oliver's nursing home.

  
Who is Oliver?

  
He's this guy I just met. He's really sweet.

  
And he's kind of cute, too.

  
Well...

  
I don't know if you guys can recognise this,
but Shelley is meeting guys.

  
And if she knows how to meet guys,
then we will learn how to meet guys.

  
Then more girls'll wanna hang out with us.
Hence, more pledges.

  
Yeah. Hence!

  
Okay, here's what we need to do.

  
We need to get all dressed up,
and then we need to go to a club

  
and drink fruity drinks
and dirty-dance with each other.

  
- Why?
- To bond, y'old grumpy.

  
Yeah, y'old grumpy. To bond.

  
The music's playing.
Our bodies are swaying.

  
You know what I'm saying?

  
You know? We could like play
some form of dodge ball, maybe.

  
We could tie our shoes together,
our tennis shoes,

  
and we could throw them
over telephone wires.

  
Because I see that everywhere,

  
and it seems like people would
have fun doing that.

  
Like, "How hard can you throw?"

  
You know what I mean? Like how...
What are you...

  
Or we could go to a club.

  
Six Virgin Marys and one Kamikaze.

  
Here's to Zetas,
to making you guys the best sorority ever.

  
Oh, Mona, that guy is totally
checking you out.

  
- Go flirt with him.
- Right.

  
Think of it as research, Mona. Research.

  
Get over there. Get on that horse!

  
Go, go. Go!

  
You like what you see, stud?

  
I'm not really sure
what I'm looking at, metalface.

  
Let me guess, is it a Hannibal Lecter thing?

  
Yeah, it is.

  
There's a big box of cutesicles.

  
Carrie Mae, go work your magic.

  
The only magic I've ever done
was try to figure out a way

  
to stay in college for nine years
and not go back to my trailer park in Idaho.

  
So, figure out a way into his heart.

  
Just go over there
and talk to him about any old thing.

  
Excuse me, you know where the crapper is?

  
I have to drop off some timber.

  
Go away.

  
What'd I do?

  
It's okay. It's just, Carrie Mae, sometimes

  
men like their women
with a little bit of mystery.

  
So, get back over there and try it again.

  
Excuse me.

  
You know where the crapper is?

  
I have to do a very mysterious thing
in there.

  
Drop off some timber.

  
I'm definitely not drunk enough for that.

  
Well, this is good, though.

  
This is really good practice.

  
Hey, it's the Zetas.

  
- Hi.
- Hi.

  
I feel like we never see you guys out.

  
We never see them out, either.

  
I met you yesterday.
I was that homeless girl.

  
Now I'm their house mom.

  
Congratulations. That's awesome.

  
So, hey, you guys got here just in time.

  
We're doing a little karaoke contest.
Sororities versus fraternities.

  
Yeah, you guys can go next if you want.

  
Yeah! Come on!

  
Oh, girls! Always say "yes" to karaoke.

  
Yeah, we'll pick a great song for you.

  
Don't worry,
you can't be any worse than we were.

  
- Seriously, we were wretched.
- Awful.

  
- I don't know.
- Oh, okay. Okay, listen.

  
Just give me a second.
I promise the Zetas are going up on stage.

  
Awesome. Great.

  
You guys, karaoke is so fun!

  
You gotta get up there and do karaoke.
Boys like singing. It's sexy.

  
Go! Go! Get up there! Go! Go!

  
I think we can do it.

  
We can do anything better
than those mannequins, you guys.

  
I might puke, but let's do it!

  
That's the spirit!

  
All right! Get up there, you Bravehearts!

  
All right, that was Kappa Eta Sigma!

  
Next up, the Zetas?

  
Singing Like A Virgin.

  
I made it through the wilderness

  
Somehow I made it through

  
Didn't know how lost I was
Until I found you

  
I was beat, incomplete

  
I'm a hag and I'm fat and rude

  
But you made me feel

  
Yeah, you made me feel

  
Like a big bag of poop

  
Like a loser

  
We're rejected all the time

  
Like a loser

  
Who's so retarded, it's a crime

  
Like a...

  
That was not nice.

  
Awesome.

  
You wanna get cut, bitch?

  
Oh, classy. Very classy.

  
No, no, no, no, she's right, Courtney.
I mean, we should apologise.

  
Especially since we're
about to take their house.

  
- Oh, right.
- Where are you taking it?

  
Well, we heard that you were
losing your charter,

  
so Phi lota Mu is gonna buy your crappy
house when it goes on sale after rush.

  
Yes, we are going to have so many pledges,
we'll need all of the extra space.

  
Oh, but don't worry.

  
I mean, we'll still let you guys stay on
and be the maids.

  
You can sweep the chimney.
Won't that be nice?

  
Does the little one understand human talk?

  
Oh, and I guess
that when we buy your house,

  
you'll go back to being homeless.

  
I'm a housemother.

  
A Zeta housemother, and I don't like
some of the things you were saying.

  
Because they do understand human talk,
and you hurt their feelings.

  
Oh, Shelley, come on.
It's not worth it, let's go.

  
Yeah, you should go.

  
It was so nice to see you.

  
But I really think that...

  
- So nice.
- So nice.

  
That was so humiliating, you guys.

  
I know it was awful.

  
And I am so mad
that they did that to you guys,

  
but we can't listen to those girls.

  
Why? They're right. We are losers.

  
Oh, we're not losers.

  
You just ignore that dumb old wall.

  
Well, you're not a loser, Shelley.
People like you. You're pretty.

  
I just don't understand
that kind of behaviour.

  
Trust me.

  
You guys, I can make you way hotter
than any old Phi lota Mu.

  
By the time I'm done,
every girl on campus'll want to pledge Zeta.

  
No, really, we are just a bunch of misfits.

  
Lilly just texted me from the closet.
She says we're not misfits.

  
Well, I hope she was being ironic.

  
Go, go, go, go, go!

  
- Are we doing this?
- Do it!

  
- All right.
- Here.

  
You can do this.

  
If I thought you all were quitting...
My heart would just fall out of my head.

  
Shelley, your heart is not in your head.

  
Your heart has its own cavity.
Right under your fake boobs.

  
Do you understand how moronic you sound

  
when you say
your heart is gonna fall out of your head?

  
Well, Mona,

  
I totally understand
why that saying sounds mixed-up,

  
but I don't mean it for real.

  
I don't think that my heart is in my skull.

  
What I mean is that sometimes
logic tells you to do something,

  
but you have to have part
of your heart in it as well.

  
My head and my heart tell me
that we can save Zeta.

  
We need 30 pledges,
and I know just how to do it.

  
By making you guys
the hottest girls on campus.

  
I'll get it.

  
- Does that say "Zeta"?
- Yeah.

  
This is war.

  
Enough is enough.

  
Let's do this. There's no way
those bitches are getting our house.

  
Okay, ladies,
dressing sexy is all about skimplifying.

  
I want you to show skin
in the four major regions.

  
Arms, legs, belly and cleavage.

  
Is this how you skimplify?

  
Oh, okay. Well, maybe we could let
someone who doesn't have a giant baby

  
in their belly give it a try.

  
Okay, this is your most important
secret weapon, the water bra.

  
Just stay away from sharp corners.

  
This is going too far.

  
No. No way. No.

  
Just consider it like another thesis topic,
you know?

  
"Conventional Archetypes of Beauty
and Their Effect on the Opposite Sex."

  
Are you sure that's everything?

  
Because feeling good on the inside
is all about looking good on the outside.

  
Go ahead and keep that one.

  
There are three rules to successful flirtation.

  
Eye contact, flattery and lots of touching.

  
For example,
let's pretend that Natalie here is a man.

  
I'm touching his arm,
I'm looking deep into his eyes

  
and I'm wearing deodorant. Carrie Mae?

  
I know.

  
And I might say something like this.

  
"Oh, my gosh.
Your biceps are huge. Kiss me."

  
And then he would kiss me.
So, any questions?

  
What do I do with my chew?

  
How long would the kiss usually be?

  
And, also, why would he kiss you,
because you...

  
Okay, ladies, today's lesson is makeup.

  
First, we must highlight your eyes.

  
The eyes are the nipples of the face.

  
Whoa.

  
Wow.

  
So this is what it feels like
to not be invisible.

  
We weren't exactly invisible before,
just the anti-hot.

  
Check out Joanne.

  
I really like what you've done
with the Bedazzler.

  
- Thank you.
- It's nice.

  
So what's next, Shelley?

  
I want all the fraternities to see
how hot you guys are.

  
Kind of like a coming-out party.
So we are gonna take some pictures.

  
Oh, we are not posing for Playboy.

  
No, in a calendar. "The Girls of Zeta."

  
Everyone will see the new you,

  
and selling the calendars will help us
raise money for our phil-an-coppopopy.

  
Hey, you guys, Lilly just texted me.

  
She says we look hot and this is fun.

  
Keep doing that, keep doing that.
Make love to the camera.

  
I saw that in Austin Powers.

  
Yeah, work it. Think really sexy witch.

  
- Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
- A good witch.

  
I think you're a bad witch.

  
I bet the house that falls on you is gonna
be a sexy house.

  
Work it. Work it.

  
You're like a supermodel,
except more pregnant. Keep going.

  
Okay, Henry, very glad you finally learnt
how to use the suggestion box.

  
And I want to let you know
that I got your message,

  
you want less Boggle and more bingo.

  
So I'm gonna work on it, okay?

  
Whoa.
Okay, what's going on with your heart?

  
Shelley, you're here.

  
- Move out of the way, man.
- Move it, Junior.

  
- Sideways.
- Sorry, sorry.

  
- Hi.
- Hi.

  
We brought a donation
as part of our philtrophy.

  
Oh, great. Thank you.

  
We're making calendars,

  
and before we could even get them all out,

  
the printing-press guys bought up
the first batch.

  
Wow. Great, thank you very much.

  
This is, "Pay to the Order of Old People."

  
Yes, and it doesn't stop there.

  
I hope you don't mind, but I brought a few
extra volunteers to help out today.

  
Henry, Henry, look away. Look away, okay?

  
Look at the wall.
Think of broccoli and bad bingo cards.

  
You know, actually, your timing is perfect,

  
because I was about to try
and organise a dance class.

  
Nobody signed up.

  
And I was at the top of the list
not signing up.

  
There ain't no way I'm dancing.
You can forget that.

  
Oh, I love to dance.

  
Well, let's do it.

  
Okay, ladies, fan out and find a partner.

  
And maybe we should talk
about this music.

  
Wow, this music is super, super-great,

  
but we might want to try
something a little sexier.

  
Great job, ladies.

  
Shelley, I just want to thank you so much
for doing this.

  
It's just so kind.

  
Oh, well, kindness is just love
with its work boots on.

  
Hey, Oliver, ask the girl to dance.

  
- I'd love to.
- Really?

  
Looking good, Jean.

  
So, listen, Shelley, I was wondering
if maybe you'd like to have dinner sometime.

  
Really? Yes. Yeah.

  
Great.

  
- Bitchsuck!
- Sorry. I'm sorry.

  
Oh, it's all good.

  
I'm so glad to be back.

  
Marvin, tell Shelley we're back
and we're gonna be watching a movie.

  
How about something spooky? No, funny.

  
No. How about Scarface?

  
No, you guys,
I think it should be Shelley's pick tonight.

  
Mr Hefner, Shelley's actually gone.
She told me to give you this letter.

  
Shelley moved to Africa
to work with the orphans.

  
She left while we were gone

  
because she says
she can't deal with goodbyes.

  
I'm going to bed. No movies tonight.

  
You look nervous.

  
I don't like when you look nervous.
You will not blow this!

  
But I just wanna mix drinks.

  
You know, my whole life,
that's all I've ever wanted to do,

  
is just blend.

  
And then you come along
with your weird kryptonite death grip, and...

  
- That's right, it's like this.
- Oh, good God!

  
Oh, sweet bastard, that's good.

  
That's right, and I'm the only woman
that can make you feel like that.

  
You will not tell Hef
that we wrote that letter to Shelley.

  
- Just do it again.
- Got it?

  
- Yeah, I got it, I got it, I got it. So I got it.
- Good.

  
Hi. I'll take two calendars.

  
Wow. That's so generous.
Everyone's been buying two.

  
Actually, it's in case one gets ruined.

  
Hot dogs, Zeta hot dogs. Who wants one?

  
You. You. You got one.

  
Sweet setup here.

  
We should totally have a mixer
with you guys sometime.

  
Yeah.

  
We could have one with Battle...

  
What? One more time.

  
We could have a Battlestar Galactica night.
With pudding!

  
Definitely! What?

  
Battlestar Galactica. Okay.

  
She said that you guys should get together
some night, with pudding.

  
Whoa.

  
You betcha. You betcha.

  
At Phi lota Mu we are very exclusive,
because we can be.

  
Many of our sisters are leaders on campus.

  
We have a rocking GPA
and our very own Korean manicurist.

  
Hey, where are you guys going?

  
- Whose booth is that?
- That's Zeta's booth.

  
Don't be ridiculous.
Why would they have a booth?

  
And who would go to it?

  
- Do you want some ketchup?
- That'd be great.

  
I can totally hose you some right there.
Go ahead, lean back.

  
No, I'm just...

  
- Excuse me.
- Why, did you fart?

  
- Did I do what?
- Fart.

  
Where are the Zetas?

  
We are the Zetas, 2008 edition.

  
And I'm in love!

  
Why'd you do that?

  
I needed to hurt someone.

  
This is so awesome, you guys.
That was so much fun!

  
It was, it was.

  
Harmony, Brian Stone was all over you, girl.

  
- And how about Mona?
- What?

  
I got numbers from four boys.
It was all for research.

  
Liar.

  
- Careful what you research.
- But I really had fun.

  
Well, Natalie, Colby was
following you around like a puppy dog.

  
Do you guys think you'll, you know...

  
No.

  
I do not think, you know, that.

  
"That"?

  
Natalie, are you a virgin?

  
No.

  
Am I a virgin? No.

  
You're a virgin!

  
Shelley! It's like an amphitheatre in here!

  
That's it.

  
Oh, my gosh.
We have to have an Aztec party.

  
We always wanted
to have one at the Mansion,

  
but we could never find a virgin to sacrifice.

  
Natalie, it is gonna be the best time ever.

  
We are gonna have the most rockingest
party, and then we'll get our 30 pledges.

  
Okay, quick trick, watch this.

  
We are gonna put little trails of Vaseline
on the contours of our abs,

  
mist it a little,
and that way the light will catch our tans.

  
Oh, she says
you're completely ingenious, Shelley.

  
Thank you, Lilly.

  
That's the same as vapid, right?

  
Oh, it's better than vapid.

  
- Is that Juicy?
- Yeah, I love their stuff.

  
It's a shame nobody'd be able to see it,
you know, under my brace.

  
Well, when can you take the brace off?

  
2004, actually.

  
Well, it's a good thing I asked.

  
No, I'm so fine.
I mean, you know, it's all indented into me

  
and, you know, if I took it off, I wouldn't
even know what would possibly happen,

  
and my spine could be like a noodle. And...

  
I'm really good. I'm good. Thanks.

  
Come with me.

  
Joanne, when I was little,
I wore a Scooby-Doo mask to school

  
for a whole month
because I thought I was ugly.

  
- Thanks, guys.
- You're welcome.

  
And then one day
a boy, Howard Rubenstock,

  
snuck up behind me and tore it off my face.

  
- Do you know what I realised?
- That you were pretty?

  
No, that I was wearing it upside down.

  
I'm not really sure
what you're trying to tell me, Shelley.

  
I'm not either. But the point is,
you're a butterfly now, not an earthworm.

  
You don't need to hide any more.

  
So, okay, here he comes.

  
He runs past here every day,
and I've seen you staring at him.

  
I can tell that you like him
and that you want to talk to him.

  
Today's the day. Go invite him to our party.

  
Go. Go.

  
Run, Joanne, run!

  
Hi, Steve.

  
Oh, hey, Joanne. How are you?
I didn't know you ran.

  
Sure, I mean, I do now.

  
Where's your brace?

  
- It's gone.
- Really?

  
Well.

  
You're pretty pleased with yourself,
aren't you?

  
Oh, you scared me.
My heart's pounding like a nail.

  
I guess I am a little proud.

  
Well, don't get too used to that feeling.

  
Because there's no way that I'm going
to let a whorey little tart like you

  
stand in the way of the Phi lota Mu.

  
Don't mess with me.

  
Don't mess with Phi lota Mu.

  
Man! Someone needs a mani-pedi
massage combo, pronto.

  
- Shelley!
- Oh, my...

  
Steve said he's gonna come
to the Aztec party.

  
Steve, he's gonna come.

  
Yay! This is gonna be so much fun!

  
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- God! Oh, my God!

  
- Yes!
- Hey, you guys! Look.

  
Oh, Joanne.

  
I can bend! You guys, I did it, I can bend!

  
"Do you find yourself
more attracted to me when I'm like this,

  
"or like this?"

  
- The second one.
- Great.

  
So, "Because you like my boobs,

  
"would you stand there
and let me go like this...

  
"for five minutes,
just in the hope that we might hook up?"

  
Yes. Yes, I would.

  
Guys! Anybody want some chips?

  
Yeah, have chips while you party.

  
Badass party. Badass.

  
So, Miss December,
you got your bikini on under there? Huh?

  
No, actually, just my fake water...

  
Natalie, there you are.

  
Oh, Bobby and Zach from Kappa are just
dying to meet you.

  
I'm sorry, Colby,
but Natalie is a very hot commodity.

  
- Excuse us.
- Wait.

  
Wait a second.

  
- Are we leaving?
- Yes.

  
Why?

  
I have, like,
the world's hugest crush on him.

  
So I don't really...

  
I know. Then we need to let him see
how in demand you are.

  
Always remember,
boys want what other boys want.

  
Right.

  
Are you Lilly?

  
That's a cute costume, Lil.

  
I was gonna ask you this,
because I've been seeing these all over.

  
I mean, this is an Aztec party,

  
which is like 2000 miles away,
as you probably know, in Polynesia.

  
Wait, Natalie. You're too smart.
Boys don't like girls that are too smart.

  
Right.

  
Right.
God, I hope Colby didn't hear me say that.

  
Shelley, you really know all the tricks.

  
How do you do it, you know?

  
I mean, with Colby here
and with Oliver asking you out,

  
it's like we might both
lose our virginity this year.

  
Yeah.

  
It's supposed to be a mixer.
There's no one here to mix.

  
They're over there, aren't they? The Kappas.

  
Well, they're definitely not here.

  
I know that, dipswitch. I can see that.

  
And now, let the sacrificial rites begin!

  
It's time for this virgin
to get sacrificed in the boiling Jell-O lava!

  
- Sacrifice! Sacrifice!
- Sacrifice! Sacrifice!

  
- Sacrifice! Sacrifice!
- Sacrifice! Sacrifice!

  
This is Aztec Night, the first of many
awesome Zeta parties to come.

  
And for those of you girls
going through rush,

  
remember to make Zeta
your number-one choice!

  
The time is now.

  
Yeah.

  
I've never seen anybody
get sacrificed before.

  
That was so hot.

  
I mean, I don't know anything about Aztecs,
you know? Or their culture.

  
But, I mean, I do know that I had fun.

  
Yeah. I don't know anything
about them either, so that's awesome.

  
What have the Zetas become?

  
Oh, my God.

  
Popular.

  
Remember, be sexy.

  
- He's gonna love your shoes.
- Deep breath, take a deep breath.

  
Okay, okay, he's here. Okay.

  
- Hello.
- Hello.

  
Wow, you look great.

  
- Thank you.
- You ready?

  
Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

  
- Would you mind if we walked?
- Oh, yes, I like to walk.

  
And that's not the only thing I like.

  
No? You have a wide range of interests?

  
Oh, yes. A big range.

  
Oh, wait here for a second.

  
I think I dropped some money
over here the other day.

  
I just don't know wherever could it be.

  
Maybe it's over here by this manhole.

  
That's fucking hot!

  
I just went over there to look for my money

  
which I had dropped the other day.

  
I think it was a dollar coin,
because I heard a clanging.

  
But anyway, wow.

  
Who knew steam can be hot?

  
Yeah, that's...

  
I wonder what they did
when Marilyn Monroe did it.

  
They probably added soothing botanicals
to the steam rising from the manhole.

  
I like that word.

  
"Manhole."

  
All right. What can I get you guys?

  
Instead of the mahi-mahi,
may I just get the one mahi,

  
because I'm not that hungry?

  
I'll ask.

  
The chicken piccata for me.
Yeah, that'd be fine.

  
- Thank you.
- Thanks.

  
"Piccata." That's another word I like.

  
Piccata.

  
- Yeah, it just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?
- Sounds like "Hotta."

  
Yeah.

  
Or "the Spanish Armada."

  
- I like to rhyme.
- Yeah?

  
...and StairMaster to tone the buttock area.

  
I'd show you,
but who really wants to see my butt?

  
I mean, it's just a silly old butt
with no tan lines.

  
Yep.

  
Wow, this was really good food.
I hope it doesn't go straight to my butt.

  
I mean, I think my butt would still
be a pretty good one, though.

  
Yep. My ass.

  
Oh, well, this has been fun,

  
but we should probably wrap it up,
because I've got another date at 11.

  
Are you serious?

  
Well, what's a girl in demand going to do?

  
Wow. Okay.

  
Yeah, well, dinner's on me.

  
I'm gonna get going. I wouldn't want you
to keep the other guy waiting.

  
Wait!

  
Your biceps are huge! Kiss me.

  
Oh, my God.

  
Yeah, right.

  
Shelley's back.

  
- How'd it go?
- How'd it go, Shelley?

  
Not good.

  
- What?
- Why?

  
I don't think he likes me.

  
He didn't fall for any of my tricks.

  
That's impossible, your tricks always work.

  
I did sexy, I did "other guys want me."

  
You know, I worked every angle in the book.

  
But I don't know, he just stared.

  
What if Oliver is one of those guys

  
who wants to have, like, a conversation
with a girl before he hooks up with her?

  
He's gay?

  
No, he's not gay.

  
Oh, I don't know.

  
I'm just saying, you know,
maybe he wants to talk first.

  
What if Oliver doesn't mind a smart girl?

  
- I know.
- Wait.

  
So I have to learn things
about things and stuff?

  
About topics?

  
- Can I even do that?
- Yeah. You can do that.

  
You can do anything
you set your mind to, Shelley.

  
But you can't even tell I have boobs.

  
Well, don't you think I should show him
a little something?

  
Give him a little philanthropy?

  
Shelley, good job.
You used "philanthropy." That was fun.

  
You know what? You're still too sexy.

  
Nat, what if she wears your glasses?

  
Good idea. Okay, here.

  
Try these.

  
Oh, my God. Natalie, you should really
go to an eye doctor.

  
That's actually how I got those glasses.

  
So have you called Oliver yet?

  
Yes. He didn't seem too excited
to be going out on a second date,

  
but he said yes, so here goes.

  
All right. Now remember,
just be yourself, only different.

  
- Don't use the word "elucidate."
- Pretty much entirely different.

  
- You know what I'm talking about?
- Tone down the sexuality.

  
Talk about politics and religion.
That's always a really good first-date topic.

  
- Don't stare at him too much.
- Don't brush your teeth.

  
- Bye, Shell.
- Bye.

  
- Don't forget to call, Shelley.
- Say you're nauseous.

  
A nuclear non-proliferation treaty
should ease tension in Asia.

  
Well, that's my thought.

  
- Are you okay? With your...
- Oh, yes.

  
These glasses don't make me dizzy
or anything.

  
Elucidate on that.

  
Well, you seem to know a lot
about North Korea and the Middle East.

  
It sounds like you really read the paper.

  
Oh, all the time.
I am just nuts about the paper.

  
So, have you given any thought
to who you might be voting for?

  
I'm not sure yet.

  
I definitely won't listen to what Simon says.

  
He is just so mean.

  
I usually always agree
with Paula and Randy.

  
Oh, you meant
the President of the United States.

  
The United States of America.

  
U.S.A. for short.

  
Fifty states, if you include Hawaii.
Most people do. I'm definitely pro-Hawaii.

  
- Excuse me.
- Oh, thank God.

  
Can I get you anything else?

  
No, I think we're good, thanks.

  
Hey, I know where I know you from.

  
You were in Playboy.
"Girls with GEDs," right?

  
Oh, heck, no!

  
No!

  
Those girls are all boobs and no brains.

  
I'm too busy in a library,
reading books with dust on them.

  
How...

  
Sorry. My mistake, then. Sorry.

  
No.

  
Playboy. God. Can you believe it?

  
I'm still hungry, even though we just ate.

  
Oh, my gosh, I can't believe I did that.

  
- Sorry, let me take care of that.
- It's okay. It's okay.

  
Are those index cards?

  
No. Index... They're napkins.

  
They're not index cards
with writing on them.

  
Let me get some more napkins.

  
That's okay, really. I think...

  
Sweet balls!

  
I can't believe that happened.

  
I'm sorry about all the gravity.

  
Are you all right?

  
I'm sorry, Oliver.

  
I'm sorry.

  
I need to go.

  
Come on, Puffin,
you've been in here for days.

  
Let's watch a movie,
it'll make you feel better.

  
I don't get it.

  
Why would Shelley just leave?

  
It's for the best. She wasn't happy.

  
I used to hear her crying
in her room late at night.

  
I think I'd like to be alone for a bit.

  
I could stay with you.

  
No, just bring me more ice cream.

  
Egg! Paprika!

  
Nutmeg! Who cares? Who cares?

  
What have I done to poor Shelley?

  
You're not gonna tell him, are you?

  
No. You can't.

  
I'm gonna be the next Miss November,
not that little blonde bitch.

  
You found my weakness,
used it against me like kryptonite,

  
but that's never gonna happen again.

  
"Oh, Mr Hefner..."

  
Guys, remember, we only need 30, okay?

  
First up,

  
Kristen Withers.

  
Pre-med, family in Greenwich.

  
- Yeah, so cute.
- I like.

  
Cute, cute. Totally.

  
- No doubt.
- Very cute.

  
- In.
- Guys...

  
We just made our first pledge acceptance.

  
Okay, cool. All right. Next up, Jill Palmer.

  
Colorado, theatre major...
Her father owns, like, half of Aspen.

  
- Yes.
- Yeah!

  
Why am I such a yummy dummy?

  
Next one.

  
Nancy Nagle. English major from Florida.

  
But she does drive a Porsche.

  
I just don't know about this one.
I kind of feel like we've created this image.

  
I just don't feel like she's gonna fit in.

  
I'm just saying, she should have spent
the Porsche money on a nose job.

  
She said she broke it in a skiing accident
last year, and I'm like,

  
"Okay, I'm sure the nose surgeon would
take the Porsche as a trade-in."

  
Booya! Snap!

  
Hello?

  
Hey, Shelley, it's me.

  
- Hef?
- Yeah.

  
Hef? Oh, is this you? Oh, my gosh.

  
How are you?
Like, I can't believe you're calling me.

  
How is everybody at the Mansion?
How are things?

  
Good news. I'm gonna make you
next month's centrefold.

  
You're making me Miss November?

  
- That's right.
- Oh, my gosh.

  
Are you totally serious, or is this not Hef?

  
If this is Hef, blink once.
If it isn't Hef, blink twice.

  
Did you blink?

  
I'm so glad you haven't changed, Shelley.

  
And I want you to move
back to the Mansion.

  
It's just not the same without you here.

  
Hef, I just can't believe it.

  
Believe it, baby.

  
Okay, here's what happens.

  
We shoot the pictorial, we'll have you do
a 25-city tour of the United States.

  
And then from there
we're gonna travel Europe,

  
ending with a one-week stay in Monaco.

  
We're gonna coordinate your pictorial

  
with a Playboy Channel documentary
on the life of a centrefold.

  
The exposure's going to be wonderful,
but it doesn't stop there.

  
We're going to pull out all the stops
for this one, Shelley.

  
It's going to be huge.

  
Hef?

  
Yeah, baby?

  
Hef, I'm so sorry.

  
I'm so happy that you called me.

  
And I love you, but I don't think I can do it.

  
I can't leave my Zeta girls.

  
What?

  
I'm not going anywhere.

  
I'm home.

  
Katootoo Jihiman.

  
Sociology major from India. Everyone?

  
I remember this one.
She seems kind of weird.

  
I actually got that, too.

  
Not like an "I live in the wall
and eat crickets" kind of weird,

  
but just like a little off.

  
- Boo to Katootoo.
- Next.

  
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

  
Lilly?

  
Look at you people!

  
Honestly, is this really what you've become?

  
Judging other girls on their appearance?
Calling them weird?

  
I'm sure glad I joined when I did,
because honestly,

  
I don't think
I would make the cut these days.

  
And neither would a lot of you.

  
I can't believe that Zeta's become
just like Phi lota Mu.

  
A bunch of snooty bitches!

  
Lilly, you talked.

  
And you're British?

  
Hi, everybody. I'm home.

  
This is all your fault.

  
Yeah. You know what, Mona? You're right.

  
It all started with this fake hair
and your stupid water bras.

  
You know what?
Before you got here, we were individuals.

  
You've turned us all into stupid bimbos.

  
- We were fine the way we were.
- We look ridiculous.

  
- I'm getting Cs in all my classes.
- Why am I looking like this?

  
- This isn't who I am.
- I can't believe you let me do this to myself.

  
Guys, stop. Come on, stop, stop.

  
Guys.

  
I understand, and I'm sorry.

  
So I...

  
Thank you guys for everything.

  
I'm gonna go, and I really hope
to see you guys in the future.

  
Shelley.

  
Hi, Hef, it's Shelley.

  
I was just kidding, silly.

  
I can't wait to be back at the Mansion
and be a centrefold.

  
This is the happiest day of my life.

  
Dear Oliver,

  
I'm so sorry I couldn't tell you
this in person.

  
It was way too embarrassing
to face you after everything.

  
I am leaving the Zeta house
to fulfil my lifelong dream.

  
And I know that what I've decided to do
won't make any sense to you at all,

  
but I have joined the Peace Corps,

  
and I'm going off to work in the mountains
of a country called Peru.

  
I'm going to meet lots of interesting people.

  
I'm sure it'll be very hot where I'm going.

  
And even though it's going to be super-hot,

  
I will be bundled up in clothes,
barely showing any flesh.

  
I only tell you that because
I don't want you to worry

  
about me getting sunburnt.

  
Hef told me what you did,
and I don't think it was very sisterly of you.

  
You are so vapid.

  
Actually, I'm ingenious and philanthropic,
and you're a backstabbing bitch.

  
- Nice, Shelley. That was awesome.
- Shelley!

  
I hope everybody at the old folks' home
is doing great.

  
And as for the Zeta girls,
I'm sure they're doing fine.

  
Oliver, I hope you think of me
every once in a while, and when you do,

  
I hope they are good thoughts.

  
Pooter!

  
Love, Shelley.

  
There you are.

  
So we'll be half Shelley
and half who we really are.

  
Can we be 60% Shelley?

  
I mean, say what you want about her,
but the girl had style.

  
- What?
- "She had style"?

  
She still does. I mean, she just wants
to be back at the Playboy Mansion.

  
Well, whatever we're gonna be,
we need to figure out, you guys.

  
We still need 30 pledges by October 15th,
or we can just kiss it all goodbye.

  
Who wants to be a part of something real?
Zeta.

  
Hi. Zeta. Tell 29 of your friends.

  
Listen up, ladies! Zeta was founded
on the tenets of sisterhood,

  
friendship and philanthropy.

  
Here you go.

  
Yeah, and since then, we've added some
pretty kick-ass parties to the list.

  
Yeah, but instead of judging and rejecting,

  
we'll put all the pledges we get into a bowl,
and we'll draw 30 names out.

  
Natalie? What'd you do to your hair?

  
- I could change it back.
- Why?

  
Everyone gets haircuts.

  
People have lots of different styles
all over the world.

  
In China,
they usually tend to layer it, I've noticed.

  
This isn't China, though. So, I just...
You know, I could put it back to how it was.

  
Oh, no, no. Why, why, why? You look great.

  
- I do?
- Yeah.

  
Well, I mean, you looked great before,
with the hair.

  
But, I mean, this feels more you.

  
I mean, besides,
it's not like I want you to be my girlfriend

  
just because of your hairstyle. So...

  
Your girlfriend?

  
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...

  
It's kind of presumptuous.

  
It's like, "Hey, you wanna be my girlfriend?
Sit next to me."

  
No, no.
I mean, you don't want to be my girlfriend.

  
You got guys falling from trees for you,
and it's like...

  
Here I am, just a goofy dude.

  
"Goofy dude"?

  
Colby, I want to be your girlfriend more
than an electron wants to attach to a proton.

  
- That much?
- Yeah.

  
Yeah?

  
What? What?

  
Did I mess that up?
Because I can do that so much better.

  
No, I was just thanking Shelley.

  
Oh. Thank you, Shelley.

  
Okay, guys. Close your eyes.

  
This is it. We're gonna keep the Zeta house.

  
- Oh, my gosh.
- Go, Zeta! Go, Zeta! Go, Zeta! Go, Zeta!

  
Lilly, go mail the bids.

  
Hi.

  
Are you new on campus?

  
I don't think we've ever met.

  
I'm Cole. Cole Trickle.

  
Yes. Yes, I just transferred.

  
My name is Lilly.

  
- Hi.
- Hi.

  
That girl over there just
dropped these on the floor,

  
and she's really into that guy.

  
- And I don't want to interrupt her.
- Okay.

  
- Can you mail these out for her?
- Sure thing.

  
Thank you.

  
You should totally
mail me your number sometime.

  
Okay.

  
Just give it to me. I have a great memory.

  
Where are my envelopes?

  
Oh, you dropped them, but I got it,
and they're gonna be mailed right out.

  
Oh, thank you so much.

  
- Okay, my number's 7-6...
- Anyways, it was great meeting you, Nelly.

  
Oh, but my name is Lilly, actually.

  
Yeah, whatever.

  
Bye.

  
Now can I see your pizzanties?

  
No.

  
I don't get it.

  
Why didn't anyone show up?

  
You guys, come here and look at this.

  
I'm Ashley. Come on in.
Nice to meet you guys.

  
You did send out the invitations,
didn't you?

  
Yes.

  
But there was this boy there.

  
And I never talked to a boy before.
You know?

  
And he distracted me. Just for a minute.

  
And then I saw him talking to Ashley.

  
And they knew each other. I could tell
by the way that they talked, and...

  
And...

  
I'm sorry.

  
People, all right. That's enough. Let's go.

  
We're done. We're shooting Miss November,
not Miss December. Let's do this.

  
Give me the fog. Wind, let's go.
Music, let's go.

  
Let's shoot this. Miss November.
Immortality! Let's go!

  
All right, here we go. It's Shelley time.
Come on, Shelley, it's so hot.

  
Oh, yeah. Sexy.
Sell it, Shelley. Oh, my gosh.

  
You're gorgeous, Shelley. So hot!

  
Come on, work it, Shelley!
Come on, let's see some...

  
Shelley?

  
Stop. Stop the fog, Dave.
Barry, hold the wind, please.

  
What's wrong, babe?
You okay? You sad? Sad monkey?

  
I don't think I'm your Miss November.

  
What?

  
I'm sorry.

  
Shelley, wait. Shelley.
Shelley, come on. Shelley...

  
Is she serious?

  
Shelley! Shell-monkey!

  
Should we take a shower
and talk about it? Shelley!

  
Natalie?

  
Oh, my gosh. How did you find me?

  
Oh, just... A little bird told me.

  
What bird?

  
Marvin called us. I thought...

  
We didn't think you liked us any more.

  
Oh, my gosh, no. I've missed you so much.

  
Oh, hi, girls. Oh, my gosh.

  
You guys look beautiful!

  
Oh, I've missed you guys so much.

  
You're the best housemother
anyone's ever had.

  
I'm really sorry for what I said to you.

  
I know. We really miss you, Shelley.

  
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

  
So, how'd the rest of rush go?
Did you guys get your pledges?

  
Zeta had a ton of people interested,
don't get me wrong. Thanks to you.

  
But nobody showed up
because Ashley stole all of our bids.

  
No. So the house is gone?

  
They'll make it official today

  
at the Panhellenic Council meeting
this afternoon.

  
So there's still a chance.

  
Shelley, it's too late.

  
I mean, I don't think there's anything
that we can do.

  
Natalie! Together we can do anything!

  
Today's meeting is tinged with sadness.

  
Unfortunately, not all of us will be
returning next year.

  
Yes, that's true. So with that said,
that brings us to our last order of business.

  
Stop!

  
Oh, dear.

  
We're here to save our house.

  
I don't know how this
big meeting stuff works, but I just...

  
Enough with the freak show.

  
What I was saying,
before I was so rudely interrupted, is that...

  
Hold on! Wait.

  
I have something to say.

  
Shelley, say something.

  
I'm allergic to erythromycin.

  
Oh, for God's sake, Dean Simmons.
Enough is enough. Do something.

  
Shelley? The council has come here today
to really finalise this, so...

  
No! No! This is germane to our predicament.

  
Oh, well, as long as it's germane.
Please continue.

  
Just give her a minute.

  
I'm allergic to erythromycin.

  
I took it once when I had a cold.
I was 16, and it gave me itching.

  
I mean, everything itched.
My legs, my arms, my earlobes.

  
And other stuff, too, but I can't say,
because I'm live on the air right now,

  
and you can't say "ass cheeks," right?

  
You just did.

  
But I said it kind of quietly, I think.

  
But besides the itching,
the erythromycin also made my skin glow.

  
It gave me, like, this glowing tan.

  
And I suddenly felt like another person.

  
Different.

  
Better.

  
Prettier, I guess.

  
- What's your name?
- Michelle.

  
Michelle.

  
Michelle, do you know that feeling
that I'm talking about?

  
Where you suddenly feel pretty

  
and, next thing you know,
you feel better about yourself?

  
Well, that was what was happening to me.

  
My allergic reaction made me feel pretty,

  
and so I ignored all the bad side effects,
because suddenly people were talking to me

  
and they were noticing me.

  
And even though I was itching like crazy,

  
it was worth it to feel accepted.

  
And so I couldn't wait to get a cold
so I could take my erythromycin.

  
But underneath that beautiful, glowing skin,
I still had that cold.

  
Well, that's a meteor.

  
The word is "Metaphor."

  
Can you really be that dumb?

  
She's not dumb.

  
Thank you, Natalie.

  
And, Mrs Hagstrom, I meant "Meteor."

  
It flashes by and burns bright,
but then it disappears.

  
And that was what was happening to me.

  
The real me just disappeared.

  
Is anyone buying this?

  
I am not an expert speech-giver.

  
But I do know that one day,
when your looks are gone,

  
if everything you have is based on looks,
well, then you've got nothing.

  
You need your friends
and your family by your side,

  
to love you for who you are,
not what you look like.

  
At the Zeta house, our new motto is,
"Be who you are."

  
Because we're a family.

  
We're a family that loves you on the inside.

  
So we need you to stand forward
and be a part of that family.

  
We need 30 people right now
to stand forward and pledge Zeta!

  
Hey, honey!
You had me at "itchy ass cheeks." I'm in.

  
Me too! Me too!

  
Me too!

  
- I'll be a Zeta!
- Me, too!

  
- Me, too.
- I'll pledge!

  
- Six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11!
- Me, too!

  
- I'll pledge!
- Twelve! Thirteen! Come on, we need 30.

  
- I'll do it!
- Fourteen.

  
- Get your hand down.
- Fifteen. Sixteen.

  
Seventeen, 18, 19, 20.
Excellent! Twenty-one!

  
- Twenty-two. Twenty-three. Come on!
- I'll be in Zeta!

  
- Twenty-four, 25.
- Up here! Pick me!

  
Twenty-six, on top.
Thank you. Twenty-seven.

  
New pledger, right there.
Come on, two more!

  
Twenty-eight, 29!

  
One more. Just need one more.
Come on, everybody.

  
One more. One more. Get your hand up.
Come on! Be a Zeta.

  
Come on!

  
Come on! Come on, one more!
Just need one more Zeta.

  
One more, one more. Come on!

  
Pound the gavel!
Why are you dragging this out?

  
There's nobody else! It's over.

  
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha on you, Zetas.

  
Wait!

  
There's one more new Zeta!

  
No. Sorry.

  
Can't be a baby pledging a sorority.
You gotta be a student.

  
That's right!

  
Rules are rules. Oh, well. Bye-bye.

  
Time to pound that gavel.
Meeting adjourned.

  
Dunzo. Pound that gavel, Dean.

  
I'm really very sorry, girls.
I know how hard you've worked for this.

  
It hurts me to do this, but I...

  
Stop! I would like to pledge Zeta.

  
What?

  
I like everything that Shelley said.

  
Are you out of your mind?

  
And, God, do you know
how sick to death I am of you?

  
Of Phi lota Mu?

  
I've been in Phi lota Mu hell!

  
I want to be a Zeta.

  
No!

  
Okay, so Zetas keep their house.

  
Meeting adjourned.

  
Now, go study something.

  
What are we supposed to do now?

  
Let's start with this.

  
Oh, I love my weird home.

  
Things that I like!

  
Ottoman! Oh, I love you, ottoman.

  
- This house is so nice!
- I know.

  
I mean, so cool.

  
- Hey, do you want me to show you upstairs?
- Yes! Show me, show me, show me.

  
This is so great.

  
Everything worked out so perfectly.

  
Well, not perfectly.

  
I mean, I messed up things with Oliver
because I moved to Peru and left him a note.

  
Well, Shelley,
you didn't really move to Peru.

  
I know that, but he doesn't.

  
Oliver.

  
I was literally just talking about you.
How did you know that I got back?

  
Let's just say a little bird told me.

  
I gotta meet this frickin' bird!

  
It's me, Shell.

  
I'm the bird. I called Oliver.

  
Thank you.

  
It's so great to have such nice friends.

  
And, Oliver, I have to admit,
I never went to Peru.

  
- I know.
- Thank you.

  
You're welcome.

  
And I was in Playboy.

  
I know that, too. And I don't care.

  
I would like to try this again.

  
Except this time,
no manhole covers or bubble gum.

  
You know, just see where this goes.

  
Yes.

  
- I'd like that.
- Great.

  
Oliver.

  
Oliver.

  
- I'm Shelley.
- Nice to meet you again, Shelley.

  
Dear Hef, everything worked out!

  
We got 30 new Zeta sisters,
and the house was saved.

  
And Oliver and I started dating again.

  
Oliver is kind and sweet and when we kiss,

  
I see stars and he sees fireworks.

  
And he says that means that we're in love,
and he's right!

  
Because otherwise, when we kiss

  
we'd see stuff like pencils
and empty ketchup bottles.

  
Oh, and the Zetas decided to throw
a big party in my honour,

  
and I felt just like that girl
from the storybook.

  
You know the one. What's her name?

  
Oh, yeah. Cinderella.

  
Where my Zetas at? Where my Zetas at?

  
Where my, where my...
Where my Zetas at?

  
Hands up now

  
Push it up now

  
I know what boys like

  
Cute smiles and heels high

  
I tempt the hello

  
While I say bye-bye

  
I know they want me

  
They try to fake it

  
But they just end up

  
Intimidated!

  
It ain't that hard to see

  
I know you're feelin' me

  
I know what I want

  
If I think you'll give me

  
I might let you

  
Unconditionally, yeah

  
I might let you

  
If you're on my level

  
I might let you

  
And, baby, if I think you're special

  
I might let you!

  
Where my Zetas at? Where my Zetas at?

  
Where my, where my...
Where my Zetas at?

  
That's what they want, want

  
That's what they want, want

  
Now every time I come up in the spot
I'm with my Zetas

  
A peace sign to the fellas
And reverse it for the hatas

  
Slickity-slick Bam-boom-wow

  
Look at how hot my ladies are now

  
We ain't messin' with you fools

  
We ain't playin' with you clowns

  
Now this blonde babe is the one to thank

  
Helped us rise to the top of the social ranks

  
The lost little bunny
changed us for the better

  
Now she's part of the Zeta family forever

  
Back, back...
Back it on up

  
Back it a-back it a-back
Back it on up

  
Back, back...
Back it on up

  
Now I realise that

  
I know what boys like

  
I know what guys want

  
I know what boys like

  
I got what boys like

  
I know what boys like

  
I know what guys want

  
I know what boys like

  
I know what I want



Special thanks to SergeiK.