I Could Never Be Your Woman Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the I Could Never Be Your Woman script is here for all you fans of the Michelle Pfeiffer And Paul Rudd movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some I Could Never Be Your Woman quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

I Could Never Be Your Woman Script

Pretty impressive..... huh!

People tend to think of me
as that environmental ...nut!

But whenever I get
down to work they say...

"Mother nature you are such a
destructive bitch!"

Well, what you see is disaster

I see as laying the groundwork for
the next generation.

You have to grow the new food,
for the new animals

The big ones eat the small ones, and on
top of the food chain are the humans.

Who used to be very grateful.

And it was good working just fine.

Until one self centered
generation came along.

The baby-boomers.

And these pampered postwar pinheads

Thought that they could
just breeze through life

do what every the hell they wanted.

For instance...

When the men would normally go to war.

You know all the male
aggression servers a purpose.

It keeps the herd strong.

But these guys said
"I don't like this particular war."

"I think I'll stay home."

And when it was time for the
woman to stop jerkin' around and

start having babies they said

"We want to get our careers going
first babies can wait till later."

They grew up to be obsessed with money

and accumulated useless possessions.

Did they care that they were
depleting natural resources,

and polluting the water,
and ripping holes in the frickin' sky!

But I've got them now.

Oh yes, yes, yes.
Because now, now...

They going to get old.

There not going they to like it.

There going to be
"Oh, I don't want to waddle."

Their taking bits of their ass
their putting it in their face.

This is not natural.
It's not natural.

And their going to say, "Oh no, no, see,
we do not want to get old. No.

We want to stay young forever.
Forever and ever."

You know what I'm going to say to them?
You know what I say to them?

Tough SHIT!

Here's a pal of mine in her 40's,

trying to moisturize her way
back to her way back to 30.

But unfortunately her ex-husband
found him self a wife in her 20's.

- Hi Mom!
- Where were you guys?

We went all the way to Malibu
and dropped Sara off at Gail's house.

And then went to Beverly Hills
to drop off Glen.

But they said they'd
rather have their own kids.

Yeah, I forgot which kid
went with which one.

How 'bout oldest kid with oldest
Mom and work down from there.

What happened to your head?

Oh, I had to have some plugs removed

because the hairs were growing
into my head instead of out of it.

Where you go with that?


Oh I...
This is mine I got it in Pasadena.

And you didn't have your wallet,
as usual, so I bought it.

Because I was wearing sweatpants.
I don't have pockets.

For someone who never exercises
you're always in sweatsuits.

Like wearing workout cloths
will make you in shape.

Well do you think wearing "Doc Martins"
will make you a teenager?

I don't know. Do you think
wearing you're hat backwards

will make you look more mature?

Well do you think
wearing a sleeveless

t-shirt makes you look
like a big bull-dike?

Izzie says you've just been
writing all weekend?

No dates?

No prospects on the horizon?


Oh Rosie you've got to get over me.

I'm only human.

You know what Rosie,

you shouldn't be alone.
I'm going to fix you up with somebody.

- You've kept your looks.
- Thanks.

Ma, he got the
"Welcome Back Kotter" game.

- Lindsay I love you.
- Oh thank you Orlando.

Hey, you said you loved me!

He never said that!

And wearing a wedding dress
isn't going to change his mind.

But you do!
I know you do!

Orlando let's go to the beach.

Hey! Get away, He's mine

He said you have an ugly body.

It's exactly the same as yours.
And that dress is so ghetto.

What's that mean?

Oh well in school if something's
cheesy we called it ghetto.

But honey, that's like making
fun of the under-privileged.

Like you know, naming ugly
cloths after their neighborhood.

I didn't make it up.

Leaves my man alone!

I think you're really nice.
You want to go swim?

Why's she suddenly so happy?

She is manic-depressive.

Hey Ma, how do you know
when it's true love?

Usually you make the music louder,
and you can move in on them.

Or some times they
look up in slow motion.

No on TV, in real life.

Real life?

Izz, why is there a Ken doll
in the heat vent?

Remember when you had
Alzheimer's and you wandered off.

You know I'm starting to
not care so much about Barbies.

But she's just getting
her life together.

She's got a jeep, she's got a horse,
a recording studio.

Yeah, but you know,
it's make believe it's not satisfying.

Doggin' me all week dog.

Doggin' me all week dude.


- Izzie?
- What?

Do people still say Gee?

Sure today I said,
"Gee, I can't wait for lunch."

Dog don't go fronting like you
didn't blow on your cheddar

smokes so you can roll
with Flynn and his peeps.

You know he just playin' you.

I think you really
need to step off that.

Just remember me and
Ross are your real blood.

We don't have to smoke mad
trees to think you all that.


You're right.
I been trippin'.

You know there's no one
I'd rather roll with.


Was there too much slang,
you know, for the emotion?

I liked that bit about
smoking the mad trees.

You were good.
You gave me allot.

You were good.
You gave him allot.

It's really coming out.

- So good.
- Hey hey, drop off your phones.

- Marty, need Rosie.
- Wow.

You got it.

This is so cute.
Where did you get this?

Sorry Rosie,
president of comedy needs to see you.

- Oh, OK.
- Bye. Bye

Hey, let's go find Mommy.

Bowling is so 8-1-8.

And these balls are so heavy.

- There.
- Where?

The balls are so heavy?

Yeah well their bowling balls.

- It's an innuendo.
- Oh, come...

It implies she holds men's testicles.

And rolls them down a wooden lane.

- Ah just loose her.
- It's Jeannie my secretary.

- She'll be heartbroken.
- That's it for me.

They make much dirtier jokes on
"Will And Grace" and "Housewives".

You never stand up to him.

It's all a game.

Are you developing another
talent contest show?


New faces of 2006.

Oh, that's my plastic surgery show.

You know it's amazing
what they can suck out.

He get's his eyes done,
marries a 28 year old and you know,

he thinks he's suddenly
turned into a young hipster.

Well, and you think maintaining your high
school weight makes you a cheerleader.

Your both wrong.

You can jump and peel and nip and tuck
but your insides are still rotting away.

Hey, there's something new to makeover.

Internal organs.

Yeah, you can have a liver lift.

Hey, a pancreatic resurfacing
or a colon peel.

Yeah, botox you're ovaries baby.
Then you'll look young in your x-rays.

He's at Lakers games with
Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake.

He's trout fishing with Norm MacDonald.

I am the one behind closed doors
all afternoon and who have I met?

Yeah I thought that meant secrets
from his wife, not the whole town.

I'll talk to you later Ma.

Anyone call?

Look what I made of Brianna.

I already did Sean.
It's hilarious.

Uh, we had to make some
changes to this weeks episode.

Your line in the bowling alley was cut.

Oh... You have to do
what's better for the show.

It was the censor.
He thought you were too sexy.

- I'm sorry.
- That's fine. Forget it.

Ok. All right, well I'm going to go get
Izz, if anyone needs me I'm on my cell.


- You go girl.
- Hey, is Rosie there?

No you just missed her.

She had and emergency botox appointment.

You are bad.

No Izzie, don't hover over Dylan.
Do something else.

- Hi Britney.
- That's it, talk to the girls not him.


No. No no no no.


- Bye Dylan.
- Yeah.


- Ma, you know what happened today?
- What?

I went to the bathroom and there was
this brownish spot,

but it wasn't from you know where.

Honey, that is your period.

Oh congratulations, your...
your a woman!

Let the game begin!

Ma what's is better?
Maxi with wings for extra protection,

or absorbent dry and bulge your pants?

How many light days are there?

Honey, you do not need all this.

- Can I have a Twix bar?
- Yeah.

Ops, I got a career...

by shaking my rear,
and making guys leer.

Oh baby baby.
Ops I'm going to sing more,

and dance like a whore.

I'm just not talented.

Izz, look what I found.

They gave us these in the sixth grade.


It's Mindy Menstruation.

Here she is staying clean.
And here she is eating right.

Oh, I like her hair better here.

With her Modes pads, nobody knows
about the gusher between her legs.

When can I have sex?

Uh uh....
When you… get your masters degree.

No, come on, really.

When you go to college.

Ma fifteen.

No way!

Maybe... seventeen.

Ma fifteen is the new seventeen.

Tonight, Yomena faces a personal crisis

on a very special "You Go Girl" that
teens should watch with their parents.

Quick, call your mom.


It's not the music.
It's driving me crazy.

- It's "Apes Escapes."
- Ma it's Dylan's favorite game.

I have to get good at it so
we will have something in common.

Oh, sounds like a
firm basis for a relationship.

- Now I'll walk you home.
- I have to sleep over.

My father's shooting the
country music awards tonight.

Just do something quiet so
Izz can finish her homework.

How the hell do you drop
two points from the "Candy Strippers"?

From now on no more issues.

No drugs, no teen pregnancies,
no homosexuals.

What about the same sex prom date?

Oh yeck!
No homo stuff!

Except maybe an occasional lesbian kiss.

But no eating disorders,
no racial strife.

Come on, let's get on it.
No more janky shows.

Never heard that word did ya'?

We hired this consulting team
the next thing they tell us

all the hot new trends.

Ok, we drop the prom, we move up.
Boys make over the nerdy guy...

No. No, that was just a backup script.

- Make overs are big.
- Make overs are so played out.

Plastic surgery makeovers, uh...

queer makeovers, straight
make overs, house makeovers,

car makeovers there's
nothing more to say about it.

You can do it.

Let us make this show cronk.


Oh, and while we're in full comunicado

I want you to incorporate
these into the show.

We just covered there phones
with matching jewels.

These are the cool new ones.

I read in Newsweek where kids
text message more than talk.

- Is that a fact.
- Indeed.

Oh and put in that stuff
where they write "L" and "8".

That's how they say later.

I never seen so many nerds in one place.

Not since the last writers guild awards.

This is Mulersfeild. We're going
to start with the wedgie scene.

Maybe you did give me a wedgie,

and sure my head is no stranger to the
raging waters of the third floor toilets.

But one day...

She be like ten,
fifteen years from now...

Maybe you did give me a wedgie and...

and sure my head is no stranger
to the raging waters of the...

of the third floor bathroom.

Thank you so much, that was great.

I have to rewrite this scene.
I mean they can't all be this bad.

What about that guy Chad?

Maybe if we called him
back with some notes?

Let me just try one thing.

- This is Adam.
- No wait. Give me a sec...

How it did that?

We'll start with the wedgie scene.
It's on page six.

I hope you're proud of your self.

I hope you have a real
feeling of accomplishment.

Because one day, and you know what
it might not be in high school.

It might not even be the near future.

But one day you're going
to open a newspaper,

or you're going to
turn on the television,

and you're going to see that I or...

some other dungeon master
that you bullied,

has done something truly spectacular.

And as you're putting on you're...

name badge from Pretzel Time you'll say,

"Wow, I really wish that
I was nice to that guy."

Because you're laugh now.

You say digital wedgies
are a way of the future.

Well OK, I have one of those
wedgies right now, in my pants.

But you, have a much
deeper darker wedgie...

on you're soul.

That's what I meant.

- Very nice, we will be looking at you.
- That's OK?

Thank you so much, that was great!

- Adam that was great.
- Thank you very much we'll be in touch.

Very good.
Thank you.

There is some more to see tomorrow.

Yeah, and his agent
to see if he's an asshole.


Don't even think about it.

- Ready for the test?
- Yeah.

You know what Dylan did yesterday?

He took a tampon out of Gabby's backpack

and stuck it in his mouth and
it go real big from his spit.

I've been seriously underestimating him.

- Ya had to be there.
- Yeah.

Back to math.
What is pi?

- Three...
- Three...

-Three point...
-Three point...

Three point one four.
You knew it last night.

OK. See ya.

3.14 pi not forget!

I was hilarious.

But Brianna kept
telling me to be sexier,

and she'd screw up her line if I didn't
do it that way but she knew it'd get cut.

Yeah I get paid.
So what?

It's not just the money Ma.

I'll call you back.

Hi. Is Rosie here?

She's getting her hair colored.

She told me to pick up a schedule.

Hold on.

Booya! Nothing but net!

Big boys know other ways to score.

- Taylor, where's Bree?
- Aren't we doing her wardrobe now?

We're missing our lunch for her fitting,
and she's standing us up again.

I'm sorry but I am not kissing
Brianna's ass any more.

Speaking which, a little lipo would
help me with those shorter skirts.

What are you nuts?
She's got a perfect body.

Oh... Cottage cheese with your bagel?

And when was the last time
we got a magazine cover?

Lindsey, Paris, the girls of the
teen bath. That's all I'm saying.

Well you're nuts.
That's all I'm saying.


Eh, well... Well you gotta remember
the attitude. Hum?

No, no no no no. Let's not put
him in what the other guys like.

It should be what he looks good in.

Find a shirt that brings out
the green in his eyes and um...

Give the jacket and pants the
same color to make him thinner.

I don't like the way that sign light is.
Look at what it's doing to the skin.

What about the bags under his eyes.
He looks like he hasn't slept in a week.

No no, we can't use this lens.
Nothing wider than a 40.

Yeah, look at the nose.

Oh my god.

Oh my god I'm beautiful.

I am beautiful.

Actually well I'm um...
You're really good.

It wasn't that tough.

Oh come on. I've never thought
of myself as good looking.

Why not?

Girls never made me feel cute.

I used to have to make them
laugh to get their attention.

Wait a second.

You used comedy as a cover
for feelings of inadequacy.

You might be on to something there.

Wait a minute.


You're really beautiful.

All right now let's do you.

Why is it that I have to get
painted and plucked

and you don't even have to
comb you're hair?

How does one achieve this look?


Oh well... I'll see what I can do
but I can't work miracles.


Excuse me.

Adam, Brianna.

- Adam is in next weeks episode.
- Yeah. Hi.


I see you later.


You know Taylor said things about me.

You know I can't arrive
at 7 a.m. for makeup,

do a full day of work,
then go off to a wardrobe fitting,

learn my lines, and still look 16.

I just can't do it.

It's OK.

You know everyone want's a piece of me.

There's just so much I can give.

Bree, if you promise
to stop the yo-yo dieting,

we can make a mannequin and
you don't have to do the fittings.


I just know when I'm this tired
I can't do my best work.

Well nobody wants that.

- Honey you're just tired.
- Yeah.

- Guess what?
- What?

The life is good.

I know what you mean.

Can I have "Lucky Charms"?
There magically delicious.

Technically it's not really magic,
it's sugar.

You know what happened today?

Me, Melanie and Zack are planning to
see the new Adam Sandler on Wednesday,

and Zack ask Dylan to come
and he said OK.

And then Zack said I'll be with Melanie
and you'll be with Izzie.

- And you know what Dylan said?
- What.

- He said, "I guess".
- You're kidding.

Izz, you still have shampoo.

But this is "Suave"

for the same luxurious hair as
"Panteen" at half the price.

When you put it like that.

I can't believe you're going on a
group date with a boy you like.

Oh don't worry Ma,
it's strictly platatonic.

Hey, check it out.

Shit's real.

- One of the SAT's dropping I think.
- Oh, OK.

Yeah it will be better.

Scene twelve.
Taking one.


Who put this ketchup there?

- I got action Johnny.
- And action.

- Ready.
- Action.

I need to know what your
doing for the talent contest.

- You like him.
- What are you talking about?

- What are you doing?
- Brianna.

Some kind of second city stuff?
I've already learned my lines.

I'll keep your cues exactly the same.

I don't who's lines in any way.

- Just great.
- Bree.

Hey hey, drop off your phones.

I know you don't like thinking about
ratings but we're in deep shit.

Now this guy could turn out
to be the next Ben Stiller.

You never know.
And, you know...

it wouldn't hurt for you to
have a good relationship with him.

OK we're back.


So Monty said we're
work till like eight.

Yeah, I'm getting my tin coming back.

Does your husband mind you uh...
working so late?

I'm not married.

Ty your boyfriend?

No. No boyfriend.

So you have to pick out
music for the show right?

Uh, me and the music supervisor.

Cus this guy, who used to be my roommate,
is playing in a band on Friday night,

and I figured since you have
to do that kind of thing anyway,

- that maybe you'd uh...
- Can I uh... ask you something?


Well most of the students in the show
have wives and kids and homes and so...

Well you know, they're
not exactly teenagers.

And you have the job so it
doesn't matter. But how old are you?



I'm like uh... 32.

Why? How old are you?

- 37.
- You're a kid.

So what do you say?


- Friday?
- All right.

It's at Sullivans which is you know,
kind of a dive but,

um, Lindsay stabbed um, Hillary there.
I think.

Or no Mary-Kate may uh...
happened... Ashley...

- I don't know. It's kind of cool.
- It sounds lovely.

Yeah it's just above the palace.

Oh yeah....

Oh yeah, you know where that is.

But I can pick you up.

- Great!
- Yeah? OK.

At around 9:00?

- All right.
- OK.

Look where you're go!

- Sorry.
- That's all right. I...

Oh my God, how much do we love this?

-Take it to my trailer.
- Thank you.

I'll see ya!

All right, so he's a little younger.
It would be fine if I was a man.

Why can't you copy the smart things
men do and not the idiot things?


What did I tell you
about jumping on beds?

- Only in hotels and Daddy's house.
-That's right. So...

Tell be about school.

Well me and Melanie had this idea today,

that we'd ask Page to talk to Colin
since he's Dylan's best friend.

And Colin would tell Dylan that I
like him and see what he says.

No no no!
Don't let him know that you like him.

Act like you don't know he's alive.

Look busy all the time. You have to
behave like you couldn't care less.


Are you happy with
you're long distance service?

I'm learning allot about playing it cool.

- What do you think?
- I like it.

But look what happens when I do this.

Then do not do that.

- Oh, wow. A kid.
- Yes I am.

You guys pretty cool right?

Can I get you a beverage?

Thank you.

- Hey!
- That was a present. From Drew Carey.

Oh, that's very thoughtful.

Ugh! yecka.

Hey Zoloft.
Your Mom and I take the same medication.

Sounds like a firm
basis for a relationship.

I was in the middle of playing
"Apes Escape" if you'd care to join me.

Hey do you know the secret
to get to the next level?

There's a secret?

Can you show me?

Oh all right.

Izzie please! Shut those apes off.
I can't stand that stupid music.

Ma, I've reached new heights!




You look cold.

- Oh no, well be in side in just a....
- Here.


Can I see some ID?

Excuse me.

- Oh, you'll be the oldest one in there.
- I can deal.

Wouldn't you rather be
at home in a nice hot bath

reading an informative
article on Bolaws?

Fine. You look ridiculous.

They let her in?

Yes my dear all your cloths are vintage.

What is that cute guy dating his Mom?

- You want a drink?
- What?

I'm going to get a beer.
You want something?


You look like you need a drink.

Oh, I do?

Let me guess uh...
Apple martini right?

I'm sorry I can't hear you.

What's up?

Want to dance?

But no one else is.

- Then we'll be the best one.
- I couldn't but don't let me stop you.

My turn to rock it.

You're nuts.

Hey it's Friday night.
I got to bring my "A" game.

Quite a variety of steps you got there.

Well, two of everything I think.

I'm that good.

- Oh I got to play you something.
- Oh Green Gang.

Wrong mood.

Ricky Martin?

That's not mine.

I'm not really 37.

- How old are you?
- 38.

- I'm actually 31.
- OK.

Uh... I need my keys.

I'm all right. I'm good. I got them.

Oh, I need my wallet.

- What are you doing?
- Huh?

Consider this foreplay.

- What a turn on.
- Yeah, I thought so.

I'm 40.

- 29.
- What happened to 30?

- What happened to 39?
- You're not even in your 30's.

Well neither are you.

Hey besides, you know that saying
"Never trust anyone over 30."

So you can trust me.

- Hey, you look great!
- Thanks.

You had what done?
What'd you do?


Yeah, right.

Watch this. He gets the money back.
He totally came up with that himself.

And look.

Look at the testing.

Boys ten to twelve 84%.
Girls 92%!

We had the same numbers when
Screech was a substitute teacher.

But those were "Oh oh look, it's
that saved by the bell guy" numbers.

-There's my ace.
-These are,

who's the new guy?
Hey, I like him numbers.

The rest of the scripts
are all approved.

Why do you want to start
writing 3 new ones?

Because this guys funny.
He's physical. He can act.

Girls will love him.

Oh at least one does.

I don't need the extra work.

I believe this kid can spin off for you.

Ok, we drop one point it's your ass.

We won't.
I promise.

Fight! Fight! Fight!

(Group) Fight! Fight! Fight!
- Hey!

Hey! Cut it out!
Who told you to hit girls.

- She started it.
- I can take him.

What was that about?

He said your Mother's show only got a
6.3 rating. And it's down the toilet.

Hey Noah, I heard Brad Pit's
firing your dad's law firm.

These guys are special
so they go on display.

And these go to "Good Will".

- Oh, no.
- What's wrong?

They're all naked and
skinny and lying in a pile.

It looks like a concentration
camp. We have to dress them.

- Ma...
- Please. It's depressing.

What happened at the movies?

Did Dilan put his arm around you?


Did you both put your arms
on the arm rest together?

Well, first his arm went on it.
And then I put my arm on it.

But then he took his off
and sat like this.

He's not ready for girls yet.

He had a girlfriend last year.

Then he has no taste.

Ma I love him.

Ok, I'm sorry.

Izz are you sure you're
done with these guys?


It's just so sad.

It's like when you finish a
season and the actors all go away.

Want to play one last game?

Ma I'm too old for Barbies.

Yeah, but I'm not.

Ok, who should be in love with who?

Let's see.

- You're enabling.
- What?

Wardrobe for the new scenes with Adam.

I am not enabling.
This is rewriting. This is nice.

Thank you.

Putz, noun, a yokel a jerk.

Our Rabbi consultant
said it means a penis.

We're allowed to say penis.

Yes you can say penis
but this is the bad penis. Like prick.

And what exactly is the good penis?

Check it out.

Why don't I just say "He's so gay"?

That's kind of derogatory.

But everyone says it.

- Ok everybody, that's lunch.
- Hey hey, drop off your phones.

No walking away with the props.

I see you.

He is an actor.

Hey, back off Miss Bulimia.

Hey Screech.

You know the buzz is
Brianna want's you out.


She says you're too bry.


See I get you.

But Brianna, she doesn't like anyone

unless they make a big old
stink about how gorgeous she is.

Rosie really wishes you'd, you know,
flirt with her.

She hasn't said anything.

Well she can't exactly say
"Go hit on Brianna."

Not after that stupid sexual
harassment class we had today.

Hey man, don't bogart all that doobage.

It's not pot.

- De je ton.
- Je ton!

Oh je do de ton on.
Oh thank heavens for the little girls.

(Babbling in fake French)

...A white Zinfandel...

What is...
Wow how do you get that job?

What's this?

The way those two keep running off

the AD's thought it'd be
easier to listen to where they are.

- Sounds like Adam likes Bree.
- This isn't very nice.

I am so sick of reading about Meisha,
and Lindsey, and Katie.

- Yeah.
- Now they're all getting better parts.


Soon the whole yum girl faze is
going to be over. And it kills me.

I mean I was a teenage girl
before any of them.

- Bree,
- I should be playing...

we're jumping ahead
to the beach party scene.

Oh oh, I get to wear my pretty bikini.

Did I ever tell you you have
the body of a 29 year old?


I hope you plan to take advantage of it.

I gotta go.

I can't let you go.

No, but I must.
You have to go. Go.

But I can't do it!

But you have to go.

You have to...
I can't go. But you must! All right.

Your work is bigger than the both of us.

After all the prom episode
isn't going to produce it self.

I gotta go.

- All right.
- We can continue this later.

- OK.
- You're done for today.

My car's still in the shop.

Take mine.

I'll bring it back before you leave.


You go girl.

You're suspicious, you're giggle,
you're worried then you're mushie.

What an emotional
roller coaster you're on.

Roller coasters are fun.

For teenagers.

- Exhilarating.
- Until you get nauseous.

Can I help you?

- Just looking at the stage.
- Oh well, it's in use at the moment.

Hum, OK.

Go find out who they are.

If A equals B. And B equals C plus ten.

Then C is to A...

Ok if I had my first writing job on

"Family Matters" in and he was born in...

Oh by God!

1977!? Then Urkel is to him
what David Cassidy is to me.

And the dark myth Madonna is to me,
what the Jewish Madonna is to him.

And if I mention something from
my childhood it would be to him how

I feel about it as before I was born.
Like it's ancient history!

- Ma?

How do you make a
positive number turn negative?

Take away it's Prozac and put it
with a bunch of smaller numbers.

- Ow! Ow!
- Oh.

Stop. stop.
Let me.

- This isn't going to work.
- Yeah I know.

- Let's get in the back seat.
- No I mean this.

You and me.

Wow, what'd I do?

Oh no, nothing...
No you're...

You're wonderful.

- We had fun, Friday?
- Oh yeah. No Friday was great.

Then why?

I... Remember when we had
that talk about you being 29?

I keep thinking about how...

that is.

I'm planning on getting older.

Yeah well,
I'm not planning on getting younger.

That just means dumber.

Come on.

You just think I'm a dumb kid.
Don't ya.

Of course not.

You're the one who's young.
Young is far superior to old.

In what?

In everything.

Oh yeah?

Who's funnier, Tom
Green or George Carlin?

Well that's a freak example.

You know in our society
young outranks old.

Tall outranks short.
Cute outranks smart.

I just...

If we got involved...

someone's going to get hurt.

Because I'm older...

I have to be the responsible one.

But we could still be friends.

- We can still be friends can't we?
- Yeah you know I was there for you.

Matthew Perry has no sense of humor.

Ok, this one.



No it's much slower.



You are so grounded.

I'm home!

What are you guys up to?


How come you're home so early?
Where's Adam?

I decided we shouldn't go out anymore.

Why? I like him.

I'm trying to be mature.

That's not really your style.

Yeah, I know.

At what age do you
stop going out on dates?

Don't be an idiot.

What? Old people don't go out on dates.

Good night.

Good night.

- Quit it.
- I told her the truth.

Where's Rosie?

She's at the gynecologist.

- When's she going to be back?
- I don't know.

They have to hack
through all the cobwebs.

She told me to pick something
up at the office, but no one's there.


That 45 year old would love to lock me
in the office while everone's on the set.

And yet you manage to show up every day.
You're so brave.

For you.
Rosie's decided to give you an "R".

What's an "R"?

Its what you get when
you screw the producer.

- She wrote these?
- Yeah.

You got three more episodes.

Since you're going to be around awhile,

why don't you and I, you know,
get some coffee?

So what are you saying
we can't use the "Sparkly Farbs"?


They can be prom phones.

- Hey!
- Hi.

Oh, I see you got the new episodes.

Yep, and ah...

- I got some good news for you.
- You do?

I've been doing allot of soul
searching lately and...

I'm gonna to give you
another shot with me.

Pretty sly Stallone.

I think you're good for the show.

You think that's what
you think but really

your subconscious is finding
ways to keep you with me.

I'm surprised some ivy league psyche
department hasn't snatched you up.

Art with out love is nothing.
Niche said that.


I don't think Niche watch "You Go Girl".

He could have TiVoed it.

Could of.



Adam likes you allot.

Yeah, why do you think that?

He make you a music mix.

That's how boys tell
you what's in their heart.

That is so adolescent.

Just listen to it.


- Uh?
- Where this your car?

Ah it's at another party I'm going to.

You know that, uh, Rosie wanted to cut
your scene but I told her to keep it in.


Hey we're here!

Don't we look alike.

- I don't see it.
- No I can. They look a little alike.

Yeah, you can totally be his nephew.

You mean brother.

- How old are you?
- 30.

Well how old do you think I am?


Yes. But how old do I look.

- Well I'd say...
- Say 32 or he'll never stop.

- 32?
- Thank you.

- Moisturizer.
- (All) Ohhhh.

This stuff is impossible to clean up.

Izzie what did I say
about jumping on beds.

Please don't Ma.

It took us all this time to talk Dylan
into playing truth or dare

and then he started showing off.
And I was afraid you'd stop him.

He was doing this to make you laugh?

- I think.
- Pretty good yes?

- Is Brianna Minx here?
- Not yet.

But she's coming?

- Uh, probably.
- Come on.


Hey, don't go away.
And all new "You Go Girl" is up next.

Quite everybody,
here come my big scene.

Mr. Heart, can I have a bathroom pass?

Wow, who found that skateboard?

Yeah yeah yeah,
props to props.

Good job.

Here's to you.

- Nathan.
- Huh?

Put it down.

I bought it.

You didn't buy it.

See you later Adam.

Hey take it easy Terry.
Good job tonight.

Ready to leaving?

- Uh, are you?
- Sure.

See you later.

Well I was giving you a ride home.

Oh that's alright I already have on.
Excuse me just for a second.

Leg rubber.

The cloths on the show look great.

What are you working on at the moment?

Well, I'm writing that
reality show called "Assisted Living".

Takes place in an old age home.

How can it be real if you're write it?

Isn't she cute.

- Cracking show.
- Good night.

Thanks Rosie.

- Thanks to come.
- Good night.

Bree, excellent episode.

- I'm concerned?
- Why?

I think Adam's broad humor
cheapens your wonderful writing.

Thinks about it.

Good night.
Nice meeting you uh...

- bat boy.
- Joey.

- Now take this off.
- No I feel naked.

Show some skin.
He's just in there.

- My bra straps are showing.
- Don't show 'em to me show them to him.

Good luck.

Here Ma.

I have receipts.

- Is Jeannie gone?
- Everyone's gone.

You know what's so cool.
I talked to my grandmother,

she invited over all of her neighbors,
she's like the fit of the condo.

You want something to drink?


It's weird you know,
it's like one minute you're watching

Jarred lose weight eating subways

and then it's you.
I don't know.

Pretty heavy stuff.

- I don't want to wake up Izzie.
- She's not here. She's with her father.

When's she coming back?


So we're all alone then?


Just you and me.

Mrs. Robinson you're
trying to seduce to me.

You would like me to seduce you?


I've missed you.

I've missed you too.

You are so dead.

Nice. Lovely. Frame.
Get up get up get up.

Oh yes, yes.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

(Phone rings)
Don't answer that.

That's my Mom.

I'm sorry
Hey Mom.

- Guess what your father did?
- Yeah, look can I call you back?

Oh shit, I left my condoms in the car.

Wait here.

You know, one day frat boy here is going
to want to get somebody pregnant.


So by the time he's ready

you're going to be as brittle
as those rice cakes you live on.

There's more to love than having babies.

- He's just using you.
- That is so wrong.

He already has the job.

Let me in, I forgot my keys.

You'd loose your head
if it wasn't attached.

Give this to Adam would you?

That's this?

We collected his real phone by accident.

- Tell him I'm sorry.
- Ok, sure.

Well we got a 7.2 rating.

Yeah but "David Spade"
got twice as much.

But you have to look at the lead in.

See, even though
their numbers look higher

we went up from "Candy Strippers".

You understand how TV works now?

Yeah yeah yeah.
Everyone love "David Spade".

Would you forget about "David Spade"?
Anyway we went up 2 points.

They have to be happy about that.

What do you love most about me?

Who said I love you?

Oh come on.

I'm not saying that.


- What if we tell...
- Oh by God.

Weren't you on "You Go Girl" this week?

You were so funny.

Oh that scene where they
teach you to dance was so funny.

Thank you.

I mean,
I don't usually watch "You Go Girl".

- It's gone so down hill.
- Oh I don't know about that.

But that episode,
was the best in months.

Is that the check?

I can give this you?

Yeah, sure.

She was great.

Did you know Marty Green?
He's president of comedy development.

Yeah I know him.

He wants me to go with him
to the network on Friday.

A new show or...

I don't now.

It was so great meeting you.

I hope you don't think this is too pushy
but I'd love to give you my head shot.

Uh, also I have a reel.

And I'm studying the Misner method
with Jeff Goldblum.

Maybe if you can give it
to the "You Go Girl" people.

Well I put my number there.


He's had a little taste of fame and now
it's time to see what it can get him.

He's not interested.

Let me show you something.

Notice the large hip to waist ratio.

That's not his type.

Fertility is everyone's type
wether they realize it or not.

This butt is screaming estrogen.

Not to mention her odor
and excess body hair.

Now she can starve it, she can wax it,
she can deodorize it,

but he will pick up the signals.

Signals your body isn't sending.
No matter how well you preserve it.

That's how it is for animals, not us.

Your hopeless!

Are these any good?

Well the coffee came really fast.

If you send $140.
how much is the flower per pound.
I don't know.

You didn't even try.

I mean, even if I get it right
Mr. Skinner says

that I didn't figure it out
the right way. I hate math.

If you eat 3 cookies

and 50 calorie plum
and you had 140 calories

- how many in one cookie?
- 30.


So why do they make it so hard?

Did Adam call?
Because I think that he's coming over.

(Phone ringing)

Ma your purse is ringing.

Oh that's Adam's phone.


Is that the new "You Go Girl" poster?

No, that's Brianna
in a bedroom with someone.

Well I'm not going to help you pack,
so don't go there.

Someone just sent it to him.

If this was sent to the phone
wouldn't it be in a...

message place? I mean, how did it get
to be there when you turn it on?

How did TiVo know
that you like "South Park"?

How did they get "Baby's Got Back"
to be a ring tone.

I won't jump to any conclusions.
I'll talk to him about it.


I'm home.


Starring Macaulay Culkin

as a boy who was inadvertently left

by him self

at his house

when his parents go on vacat...
What are you making.

My phone.
I've been looking for...

When'd you did this?

You are right he isn't cheating!

How'd you tell?

He's not that good an actor.


Guys, can we finish this?

What for?

So we can make the show better.

The writing's on the wall.

Come on, for the shorties.

OK, Trays band is blowing up and Yomena
feels unappreciated and she says...

- Where's Rosencrantz and O'Reilly?
- Mail.

They had a meeting with Marty.

And they were wearing jackets.

A network meeting?

Oh look!

I never got one of those
picture tickets befo...

- It's so great your doing that.
- Anything for the kids.

Hey have you and Adam
been seeing each other?


Is this what you're wearing?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Great.

Not even just friendly,
going places, driving around.


Hey, she's here.

You sure?

I may be a lot of things
but I'm not a liar.

- Hey thank you so much for doing this.
- Sure.

- TSA taking one.
- Action.

I would never ever date a smoker.

- Cut.
- Great check it.

Be with you in a minute.

- Cortney Love?
- Drop out Hag.

Fay Dunaway?

- Don't call us we'll call you.
- Sharon Stone?


- Gena Davis?
- Hag.

- Sigourney Weaver?
- Hag.

- Kim Basinger?
- Hag.

- Emma Thompson?
- Britt hag.

- Susan Sarandon?
- Richly alienated hag.

Meg Ryan?

Too much plastic surgery.

Melanie Griffith?

Way too much plastic surgery.

- Patricia Heaton?
- Pointless plastic surgery.


Insurmountable amount
of plastic surgery.

Listen you little bird of a man where
do you come off insulting these women?

How many good songs did you sing?
How many Oscars do you have?

Could you look cute
next to Warren Beatty,

or live with Don Johnson,
or act with Ted Dansen?

You're not worthy of
kissing Cher's tattooed ass.

He'll see ya now.

Hey you look great.

How's Lizzie?

You're asking me about my kid
something must be wrong.

OK, I won't BS ya.

There's fewer and fewer
spots for scripted show.

They're expensive dinosaurs.
No one cares.

"Two And A Half Men"?

Older woman, the least desirable demo.

If we want the kids we gotta
be cutting edge and off the chain.

That means music and cloths.

You keep lowering our budget.

Face it "You Go Girl" is...

straight played.

I'd rather tell you now
since we're friends then...

So you're replacing me
with a reality show.

Actually we got a sitcom for that slot.

Two hip young writers,
Rosencrantz and O'Reilly,

have created a show for
this hip new funny kid uh...

Oh wait you know him,
Adam Pearl.

It's called "The Shizzle".

"The Shizzle"?

"The Shizzle".
It mean the new cool stuff.

No, it doesn't,
it means shit!

I can't say anything and you
can name a show after shit!

How do you like that?

Good luck.
I'm sure it'll live up to it's name.

Thanks for your support.


Hey Henry!

See? You should have been Pinkey.

Congratulations on your show.
It's really funny.

- Thank you. We're having a great time.
- My kid loves it too.

Oh yeah, talking about your kid...

I think she got hold of your phone book.
I got some crank calls.

- You know.
- What?

Yeah and, now listen, I don't mind.

But if she calls an executive
with no sense of humor.

Oh my god. I am so sorry.
No no no no it won't happen again.

Believe me I understand. My kids still
do it and their in their 20's.

- I'm glad to see ya.
- You too.

- You look great.
- Thanks.

(Both) - I'm sorry.
- I can't believe you did such a thing.

What were you thinking?


Was it just Henry Winkler?
Who else did you call?

- Jerry Stiller.
- No one.

Who else?

Andy Dick, Justine Bateman,
Kirstie Alley, Heather Graham.

- David Hyde Pierce
- Uhhuh.

- Johnny Knoxville
- Right.

Mel, I think you should go home now.

I'm sorry.

This makes me look like such an idiot.

If you have someones home number

it's because they trust you
to protect their privacy.

Now I look totally unprofessional.

I'm sorry.

What am I going to do with you?

You could punish to me.

Like I could write an
apology to everyone I called

and not use the phone for a week.

A month.

That's excessive.
Two weeks.


What's going on all of a sudden?
Everyone I take care of is turning on me.

Mom, you're globalizing.

(Both) Weird subjects in this night,
forces of love's pure light.

Why is it so dark in here?

What are you guys doing?

- Putting a spell on Dylan.
- We're witches.

That's so sad.

Don't worry Ma, we're not Satan
worshiping human sacrificing witches.

- We're black mini-skirt witches.
- Like in "The Craft".

It's just lousy that
the only way teenage girls

can feel in control is
to be anorexic or witches.

How do you do this anyway?

If you want to sell in your true love

you grind coriander seeds

while you chant to light
candles anointed with love oil.

Love oil?

You used canola instead.

I am hungry.

Let's get some Coco Crispies
to hold us over.

You the letters right?
From Zack.

Come together.
Let this grinding be a tether.

Were have you been? I've been calling,
e-mailing, text messaging.

I'm dying to tell you something.
Marty said I should wait.

- Marty?
- Yeah.

What, cause he didn't want me
upset until the shows were done?

I don't know.


Hey listen...

Listen, they want me to
do a mid-season pilot.

Ok, well what's that got to do
with what you have to tell me?

That's it.
It is what I have to tell you.

What about Brianna?

What about her?

Don't make me look like an idiot.
I know what's going on.

If you guys are
getting involved don't....

Don't hang around and pretend
you care about me.

Where's this coming from?

This came in mail.

Well this is craz...
Someone is obviously screwing with you.

It is what I thought.

Someone must be screwing with
me by playing with your phone.

But is the department of motor
vehicles screwing with me?

And is the sound department
also screwing with me

when I heard you hitting on Brianna?

Hitting on Brianna!
Are you smoking crack?

- You were flirting with her.
- You told me to?

Why would I do that?

Because you said that she needs
to think everyone's crazy about her.

I never said that.

That's not what I heard.

I knew this would happen.

You're a big shot.
You're on TV.

So you want to to get
back at all the females

that didn't appreciate
you in high school

- so
- Oh...

you have to get all the
cute young girls you possibly can.

I don't want cute young girls!
I want you!

- You know what I mean.
- All right, get out!

I am too old for these
high school dramatics.

You're the one that's acting adolescent.

- I'm upset not acting adolescent.
- Hey, how you two kids getting along?

Oh God, please tell me
you're wearing shorts under that.

Yes. But there just cut really high.

Dude besides I've got good legs
and a great butt.

Yeah well,
you know that's what everyone says.

- "There's Nathan, what an ass."
- Uh hey, don't let me interrupt.

- He was just leaving.
- No I wasn't.

Get out!
We are done with this discussion!

You can tell when she's really angry,
her voice gets all high and squeaky.


Look I'll admit that
something sketchy's going on.

And I've never even been
in a car with Brianna.

But if you don't believe me
we've got serious trust issues.

I always said that.

- What has this got to do with you?
- Only everything.

This is the first guy you've dated in years that I can actually hang out with.

And I do not want you making the same
mistakes with him that you made with me.

I am trying to be Bruce Willisy.

Which is great because
I'm trying to be Ashton.

Which in turn would make her Deme.

Yeah or Demi or Dem... no I think Dem...
One which is Dem... I actually it's Dem...

- Yeah the thing is Demi. Well um...
- Is she nice?

Yeah she's very nice.
But I think she's a Demi.

- I don't think she cares if she's a Deme
- What are you two idiots talking about!

I am not Demi! You are not Aston!
And you...

are defiantly not Bruce Willis!

- See how high it gets?
- Yeah.

After my bachelor party
only dogs could hear.

I believe it.

Look, this is crazy all right, I'll....
Let's just calm down.

Get out!
- No!


I'm g...
OK, I'm going to go. But...

we're not done here.
I'm going to call you.

- Hey...
- No!

You were going to throw it anyway.

- Fine.
- Thank you.

Let's go honey.

No boyfriend,
no job.

Just a lonely spinster with a kid.
You happy now?

I'm watching, just a minute.

You know this makes allot of sense,

Mrs. Robinson is
sophisticated and gorgeous.

She gives this kid
the best sex of his life,

asks for nothing in return,

he, pulls a Soon-Ye, dumps her,

and she's supposed to be the monster.

Could you not get crumbs all over?

Why? It's not as if anybody
sleeps on this side of the bed.

What's wrong?

Why does something have to be wrong?


Katy is such a bitch!

She's standing by the snack
truck and she tells everyone:

"I think I'll go out with Dylan".

And she knows I love him
because Colin told her.

So Melanie says "You
know that Izzie likes him."

And she goes:

"Yeah, well just because Izzie likes
him doesn't make them a couple."

Can you believe her?

She doesn't even like him.
She's just jocking me.

What's jocking?

Copying, and don't put it in your show.

Did you tell Katy how you feel?


Can I change my name to Drew?

What's wrong with Izzie?

Could you just call me Drew from now on?

I hate this place.
Why do I have to try on pants?

You can't keep wearing
the same ratty jeans everyday.

Why don't we just buy them?

I don't feel like driving back and forth
1000 times exchanging them.

I look like a cow.

Does the waist fit?

- Their humongous.
- I just need to see the waist size.

They don't fit.

- Their too small for me.
- They look good.

- They won't close.
- Oh.

- Well what's the length?
- There tight Ma, forget it.

I'm to fat!

My belly is gigantic!
You wouldn't understand!

You've got a flat stomach
and you're pretty.

No honey, no, my face this falling down.
Everything is drying out. I'm...

I'm hurdling toward Cloris Leachman.

You're young.
You're like a fresh new peach.

Izzie you're beautiful.
Don't you get it?

I'm not beautiful!
I'm not even cute!

I'm an ugly pig!

Oooh, waggle string.

Can I have these?


Bet Adam sent them.

All right, what's the dealeo?
Why aren't you on the set?

This is shit.

Look, you told me you'd get
me the "You Go Girl" writers.

But you didn't get me Rosie.

That's a whole extra producer.
I don't need that.

When I took this job you promised
me the whole "You Go Girl" group.

You've got those two writers.

Yeah, but that's not the group.

That's like giving me the News
minus Huey Lewis.

Look kid you are blowing
a jinormous chance.

You going to give up you're big shot
to be loyal to some broad?

Is that how you want to roll?

As a matter of fact Sinatra,
that's exactly how I want to roll.

I'll be back when you get her.

Hey Dawson,

let me give you some advice.

You're going to want to
cut those apron strings.

Otherwise you're never
going to be a real man.

I don't need to be a real man.
I'm an actor.



don't you want to make
be a high fiber breakfast?

Like you would ever eat such a thing.

Just have you're Lucky Charms.


Hey, that's quite a
Frankenstein you created there.

What are you talking about?

That Adam kid.
He doesn't like the scripts. He...

doesn't take direction. They tell me
he doesn't trust anyone but you.

So I'm thinking, maybe
you'd like to come down

and be supervising
producer on "The Shizzle."

I'm thinking...
maybe not.

You're thinking maybe not?

Maybe not?!

Well I'm thinking shit!

Strutting bucks walk shoulder
to shoulder sizing each other up.

While the females wait to attach
themselves to the strongest males.

Bucks lock antlers in mortal combat.

Whoever is victorious will intrigante
and then trick females of the herd.

The challenger leaves in humiliation
without sewing his seed.

So that's how it is.

Most powerful male gets
most babalusious female.

That's right.

Well what if there's a
really cute male antelope

or a female that shows
signs of leadership?

- Useless
- Why?

Look, there's an order
to this mayhem business.

Why can't we change things?

Haven't you self centered pet cloning
assholes changed enough?

It's not natural.

What's so great about natural?

- What?
- Think about it.

Tobacco's natural.

Prozac's unnatural.
Earthquakes are natural.

Television's unnatural.

Natural sucks.

She can't seem to stay on task.

Her homework is tardy.
Her language is crude.

Also, there's far too much
socializing with her neighbors.

Now, I know you're a working woman.

But I was hoping for
a little more discipline at home.

Well the thing is...

Izzie just got her period.

And she's had really
extreme mood swings.

Believe me I'm well aware of puberty.

did you know that a girls test scores

can very up to 20 points at
different times in her cycle.

And not to mention the fact
that even female teachers

start giving lower grades
to girls as they develop.

That's preposterous!
Why would teachers do such a thing?

You tell me.
I mean... Well...

Why did she get this and this and this

and these three questions
wrong when the answers are right?

Because she didn't
show her work correctly.

But she got it right.

The standardized tests require
her to get to the answer a certain way.

But her mind works a different way.

Well my job is to get the students
to do well on the standardized tests.

Wouldn't it be better to encourage girls
to feel good about math and science

instead of tricking them into
thinking they are stupid?

I've got an idea,

why don't you teach her
to stop the potty mouth

and let me teach her to
take the standardized tests?

I've got a better idea.

Why don't you take the standardized
tests and shove it up your ass.

Well at least I see where
the language comes from.


You're the best Mom ever.

Let's get out of here.

Young girl, wants to be a big name.

In movies they must all be the same.

She won't need to sing or to act.

Just loose all of her body fat.

And isn't it moronic.

Don't you think?

It's insane!

Izz, when ever you sing that part
in the car you really belt it out.

Oh yeah, that's the screaming part
but I decided to sing it regular.

How come?

Because everyone will be at the show,
Dylan will be there.


Sometimes I hit the not
really good you know and...

But sometimes I don't and I just...

I don't want to take chances.

It doesn't matter if you
hit the note or not.

As long as you just go for it.

Dive in!
Balls out!

As long as you give it all you've got.

No ones going to care if it's on the...

Da the uh...
The thing.

- Key?
- Yeah.

And don't try to be safe.

It's insane.

That they lose so much weight.

It's young and cold,
but no food on her plate.

It's a common thing

barfing up a cake.

They think they're all two

stick figures.

Sounds great!



"Dear Rosie, I'm sorry I didn't have
time to give you two weeks notice"

"but I got a job on "The Shizzle",
Best luck Jeannie"


They've offered you a really nice bump.

I uh...

I just don't want to do it Stove.

You want me to tell them that

and then we'll see what
they come back with?

They've called about 4 or 500 times.

What're you going to do Hickum?

I'll never be God.

Whenever some chess club
is gettin' pounded on.

I'll be there.

Whenever somebody's flossin' about
how he bitch slapped the little guy.

I'll be there.

And when ever Melvins band together
to open up a can of whoopass.

I'll be there.

Ok, we can't use whoopass so lets
use smack down on the hater thing.

Can I see the dailies
for the beach scene?

Don't bite my stuff.

Oh wait, sorry, sorry.
Can I do that again?


When we called Pink.
I said shotgun.

You know what if this were I would say talk to the hand.

But since it's not, my
hand won't be bothered.

You said that Brianna needs
to think everybody's crazy about her.

I never said that.

And Jan is in love with him.
And she's past aggressive.

Past what?

You know, past aggressive.

People who act all friendly
but really aren't. Like Jeannie.

Look what I made Brianna.
And Sean.

It's hilarious.

Hey come in.

So, what is the hold
you have over this kid?

I believed in him and he knows it.
I'm the one that brought him to you.

Oh yeah.
How do you like that.

You're such a putz.

But if you want me to consider your
offer you have to do something first.


Get rid of Jeannie, my old secretary.

That's gonna be kind of tough.

- Why?
- It's just tough firing people.

When did you start
caring about secretaries?

You fired everyone you ever slept with.

It's me or her.



Listen zippo, you even think
about it and I'll go to your wife.

Ow sweetie...

Go ahead

and I'll show her your
little photography project

and tell her what a little liar you are.

You dried out old bitch!

Why don't you hasbeens
ever move over for young talent?

Since when did screwing producers and
eating craft services become a talent?

- Wow, look ladies...
- Now what am I supposed to do?

Where am I gonna work?

I'm sure you could get your old
corner back on Hollywood Boulevard.

There there there.


She hit me.

We'll talk.

Wow that was fun.

Listen parents, the talent show's
about to begin.

I always knew Jeannie was a psycho.

She must of really liked me.

Ah, how can you blame her,
I mean...?

Poor thing.

I'm sorry.

I was an immature baby.


It's to be expected at your age.

No, I should have trusted you.

I just got so paranoid you'd leave me.
Because I'm such an old hag.

I'm not that superficial,
I don't care how old you are.

- You don't?
- No I just care how much you weigh.

Oh nice!
That's really nice.

What's that?

Ladies and gentlemen our PTA chairman
Sally Plummer.

Welcome to another school spring fling.

You know spring is a time of renewal

and that's why we're so delighted
to see all you fathers out there

with you're second and third wives.

Everybody's a comedian.

Uh, So with out further adieu
our MC for the day Dylan Nicholson.

Everyone, I'm Dylan and I'm an alcoholic.

And then school I'd
like to introduce to you,

You know 'em, you love 'em,

Melanie, Jane and Izzie!

Go Izzie!

So hot, must be 98.

September, that's not so great.

Where the north pole is turning slush.

On my TV there's President Bush.

And isn't he moronic?
Don't you think?

Incredibly moronic.

And yet you really do think.

He's a pain,
in the whole world's ass.

He saps them all,
for a gallon of gas.

How can it be,
we voted him in?

I just don't see how it figures.

The pop star,
who went on TV.

To this whole world,
can't sleep here with me.

Mother says to son,

Neverland ranch will be lots of fun.

Isn't it moronic,

That's my daughter.

don't you think?

That's my daughter.

Technically moronic.
And yes I really do think.

It's all lame,
but the dog and the cat.

Too big is small,
till along came your Dad.

He won't like them when they're bigger.

Wasn't that the best?!

Oh, what a voice!

What a voice!
She gets that from me.

- You hurt your face.
- No, no.

I got a chin implant.

Yeah, they say if you extend your chin
you don't need a face lift.

- Oh cool.
- Where is she anyway?

- I'm going to go congratulate her.
- No! No, leave her alone.

See whats going on?

Hey, Izzie.
You want a slushie?


See ya.

How did you knew that
was going to happen?

I'm a Mom.

Don't get too excited about him.

Now what's your problem?

Remember the "This will never
work he's too young" scene?

Well eventually you'll hit
the repay button on that one.

So it might not last.
You could say that about anyone.

that isn't what I was looking at.

I liked your song.

You did?

Uh huh.

I liked when you said
you're an alcoholic.

Do you like video games?


Do you ever play apes escape?

No but, maybe you could teach me.

Oh my God!
Look at her.

Nothing that could ever happen to me,

comes close to how happy I am to
see her kiss Dylan and get applause.


Who do you think set it up this way?

So your body rots.
And your shows are stale.

Look who you're making room for.

Well, when you put it like that...

This is good.

Now you can settle down
and act your age.

What's that supposed to mean?
Easy listening, and orthopedic shoes?

That sounds about right.

Nope, I don't want to do that.
I want to stay passionate.

I want to scream at rock concerts,
and get angry at the news.

And I want to wear miniskirts.

You're going to look ridiculous.

Well, enough people are ridiculous,

it starts to look normal.

Special thanks to SergeiK.