I Love You Man Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the I Love You Man script is here for all you fans of the Paul Rudd and Jason Segel movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some I Love You Man quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

I Love You Man Script

Looks good, right?

So, my plan is to create
this cluster of live/work lofts

all along the perimeter here.
And... Come here.

I also am planning this neighborhood-y
kind of dining and retail area

in the central square.

You know, I even had this thought
that maybe you, Denise and Hailey

could open up a second location
for your store.

Really? Because Denise keeps talking

about wanting to open up
another branch.

Well, it'd be great. Yeah.

Look, the land is a little pricey,
so I couldn't develop it right away,

but once I sell the Ferrigno estate,

I figured out I could at least
put a down payment on it

and still have enough money left over
for the reception in Santa Barbara.

What are you talking about?
What reception?

Zooey, I know it's only been
eight months,

but I am so madly, insanely,
ridiculously in love with you.

Will you marry me?

Yes! It just happened
two minutes ago, Hailey.

- Can you believe it?
- No, I can't. It's amazing.

Oh, my God.
I've been on like 10 million dates,

and you end up marrying
some totally awesome guy

who randomly walks into our store?

It's so cute. She doesn't know
she's on speakerphone.

You do not know how lucky you are.

It is impossible
to find a good guy in this city.

- I know.
- I thought we were connecting.

- Oh, my God. Really?
- Kind of.

I'm sorry, but not really.

- Hey, will you conference in Denise?
- Oh, my God! You called me first?

- Oh, God.
- Awesome. Yes. Hold on.



- I love that piece of land. It's perfect.
- I'm glad.

I mean, I know the neighborhood's
a little, you know...

Oh, my God, Zo! I cannot
fucking believe you didn't call me first!

You are such a freak.
Hailey's first on my speed dial.

No, no, no, I'm totally kidding.
I'm so psyched for you.

I feel like I'm gonna puke right now.

Oh, my God, hold on.

Barry hates when I'm in the house
during his poker night.

Would you give me a second,
you fat douche?

Get out. Get out of the fucking house...

- Zooey just got engaged!
- To who?

- "To who," are you joking? To Peter.
- To who? To me.

- I don't know Peter.
- I've met the guy like 20 times.

- You've met him like 20 times.
- I don't know Peter.

- You don't know Peter?
- I have no idea who that is.

Okay, we've been on like 20 dates
with him.

- You don't know him?
- I've never met Peter.

You are such an asshole.

Sorry, Zo. Have you set a date?

Yes. June 30th in Santa Barbara.

Peter already booked the place
we went for that long weekend.

So romantic.

Oh, my God. He is so romantic.

That's the place where you guys
fucked for the first time, right?


No, no, no,
that was the hot tub in Mexico.

That's right.
Santa Barbara was just oral.

- Yeah.
- You guys.

That's right. The hot tub, yeah.

It was Mexico. You had your period in
Santa Barbara and you wanted to wait.

God, you're so old-fashioned, Zooey.

- You told them about the hot tub?
- Maybe.

- Wow. So, June 30th?
- Yeah, I know. It's soon, but...

Who cares? Peter's a doll,

and he goes down on you
like six times a week.

- What are you waiting for?
- Wow.

Marry him. Don't wait.

Lock that tongue down, girl.

Yeah. It's gonna be great.

All right, you guys, I'll call you later.
Love you.

It is beautiful. It's totally understated,
and it's just... It's perfect.

I know! No, he's the best. I feel so lucky.

All right. All right, Debbie.
I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye.

I've been totally hogging the phone.

- Who do you wanna call?
- I'm okay.

My parents are probably asleep,
so I'll just talk to them tomorrow.

You don't wanna tell
any of your friends?

I'll make some calls this weekend.

Well, what about that guy, Tevin?

You talk to him
like 20 times a day, right?

Well, yeah.
He works two cubicles away from me.

I'll see him Monday morning.

Or what's his name?
The one that you fence with.

- Gil?
- Gil.

Gil. Gilliam.

No, he's not really a "call right away"
kind of friend.


- Hi! Hi.
- Hi.

- Congratulations.
- Thanks, Mom.

- Excellent meat.
- So good.

- This is delicious. Thank you so much.
- Really is, Mom.

Thank you.

But did Peter have any good friends
growing up?

I honestly don't remember any.

All right, look, Zooey,
just to clarify here,

my dad worked for IBM,
so we moved a lot when I was a kid.

Robbie always managed to have friends.

Of course, he probably wanted
to suck their dicks, but...


No, Mom, it's cool. I totally did.

But he doesn't have to use
that kind of language.

- Indeed.
- Why?

My son is a gay man,
and I embrace his lifestyle.

It's true. Dad loves the gays.

I actually made him
an honorary homo last month.

The point is, Zooey, Peter always
connected better with women.

You know, I can see that
because he's a great boyfriend.

Thank you, fiancée.

Also, you gotta understand, Zooey.

Peter matured sexually
at a very early age.

I remember taking him swimming
when he was 12 years old.

Kid had a bush
like a 40-year-old Serbian.

Come on. Okay.
Dad, please, stop talking.

- Good to know.
- Nice.

Come on. He had a Speedo full of Brillo.
Be proud.


Who invited the stand-up comedian
over here?

Zooey, here's the deal.
Peter's always been a "girlfriend guy."

He put all his focus and energy
into his relationships,

and all his dude friends
just fell by the wayside.

Zooey, don't listen to him, all right?
I mean, we're eight years apart.

Barely grew up together
in the same house.

This is ridiculous.
Why is it weird that I had girlfriends?

Nothing. We're just saying
you never really had a best friend, is all.

- Well, who's your best friend?
- I have two.

Hank Mardukas has been
my closest friend

since our first year at IBM.

- Best man at our wedding. Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah, he was.

Talk to him two, three times a week
on the phone for 30 years now.

And then there's Robbie.

What's up?

- Robbie is your other best friend?
- Correct. And Hank Mardukas.

What the shit is he looking at?

Davis Dunn Realty,
how may I direct your call? Please hold.

Hold, please. Put him through to Tevin.

It's very close to downtown.
How close do you wanna be?

Thank you, sweetheart.

I can't get you that close.
'Cause the schools are terrible.

The skyscrapers were all lit up.
I got down on one knee.

She was totally surprised.

Well, I'm jealous, Peter,
'cause you never gave me a shot.

But you're gonna
make the best husband.

Stop it. Stop.
All right, you can continue now.

Morning, Trayce.

- Hey, Tevin.
- Hey, man.

What's so funny?

One of the guys
in my fantasy football league

just sent me a QuickTime.

It's a grandma riding a Sybian machine.

What's that?

It's one of those vibrating saddles

that women sit on to give them,
like, super intense orgasms.

Check it out.

- Damn!
- How sick is that?

It's very. That's very sick.

So awesome.

Hey. So, what up, dog?
How's that Ferrigno dealio coming?

It's coming good. Yeah. I'm getting
ready to show in a couple of weeks.

Dude, I'm just gonna throw this out there

because it's a big piece of house.

If you want a copilot on this,
I'd be happy to team up with you.

No, I know. I feel like I wanna
give myself the challenge

- and just see how it goes...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- I appreciate the offer.
- No sweat.

Hey, anyway, you know,
my girlfriend and I...

Well, we had this very special evening
planned, and I...

She's a squirter! She's squirting!
Peter, we got a squirter!

Old Faithful!

Hello, fiancée.

Hey, baby. I totally forgot.
It's my turn to host ladies' night.

No prob.
I have fencing practice, anyway.

I'll grab a beer with Gil and the boys
afterward. Hit them with the big news.

- Great! I gotta go. Love you.
- I love you, too.

Peter! Peter!

I'm sending it to you.

- No. I don't want it.
- You got it.


Wait a minute, I didn't even click...
How does it... I didn't even click it on.

She's got a bush like a porcupine.

I don't wanna know anything
about her bush. Hi, Lynette.

- Suck it!
- Good bout, Gil. Sweet bout!

Good job.

Wow. Way to go, buddy.

- Great bout.
- Fuck off!

Bro, really sorry I lost my shit out there.

I just did not see that
In Quartata coming.

Hey, man, don't worry.

You know, you came in
with a pretty sweet glissade.

Anybody seen my manchette?

Did you look under your plastron,
dick wicker?

- Fuck you, Larry!
- Fuck you, Eugene.

- Classic.
- Thank you, Larry.

Hey, so you guys want to,
like, get some grub

or grab a beer or something?

We're actually heading up
to Joshua Tree tonight.

Oh, yeah? What's going on up there?

We're just doing this thing
for Eugene, you know.

Kind of a bachelor party/camping trip
kind of thing, you know.

I didn't even know
you were getting married.

Yeah. Taking the leap next Sunday.

- Great.
- Dirty little slut.

He's gonna lose his virginity finally.

I've fucked my girlfriend. He's kidding.

Right on! Very cool.
Very, very cool. That's cool.

I would've invited you, man.
I just didn't think that you'd be into it.

You never really come out with us
after practice and stuff.

Oh, no, dude... Don't even.

It's so fine. Really.
Thanks, though. Thank you, but...

You know, it's funny, actually.
I just got engaged myself.

- Wow. That's awesome.
- You did? Congratulations.

- Mazel tov.
- That's great.

Good luck with that.

- Thank you. And you, too.
- Thanks.


All right, well,
we should probably hit the road.

- Traffic.
- Yes.

- Have a blast.
- Shotgun.

- We'll be back on Wednesday, right?
- Yeah.

Play a U2 record while you're there.

- Good. 'Cause of Joshua Tree.
- That's right.

It's hilarious, know what I mean?

No, I'm serious.
You know what my favorite nights are?

Hanging out with you girls,
and I can do that guilt-free

because Barry loves hanging out
with his friends, too.

I mean, every weekend,
there's a golf getaway,

a ski trip, a weekend in Vegas.

Wait, Vegas? You're not worried
he's gonna cheat on you?

He's 40 pounds overweight
with a Jewfro and a small dick.

Look, I love the guy to death,
but I'm far and away

the best-looking woman
he's ever gonna get,

and I'm only a 7, so, come on.

Oh, my God. You're not a 7.

Peter's not a freakazoid.

I don't know, Zo.
I mean, I think this is kind of serious.

A guy without friends
can be really clingy.

Like, my brother-in-law
drives my sister crazy.

He's always like,
"When are you gonna be home?

"Where're you going?
Can I come with you?

"But nothing's on TV.
What am I gonna do?"

- That's... No, come on. What the...
- "Be home before midnight."

Peter's not like that. Please.
He's just not like that.

Well, just wait.

But anyway, you've got six bridesmaids
and a maid of honor.

It's gonna be a little weird
if we're walking down the aisle alone.

- Yeah, I know.
- He's great.

- So who's gonna be his best man?
- I have no idea.

I honestly think that his best friend
is his mom.

- Terrible.
- No, no, no. Not like that.





- Hey!
- Hey!

I made you guys some root beer floats.

Peter, are those chocolate straws?

Yeah. Pirouettes. Pepperidge Farm.

Thank you so much for the floats, baby.
That was so sweet.

My pleasure. Enjoy.

- Hey, congratulations on the wedding.
- Congratulations!

I know. It's so exciting.
I feel so grown-up.

- All right, sir.
- Okay, ma'am.


Shit! Do you think he heard us?

- No.
- No way.

I gotta get some fucking friends.

This is cool.
You're coming to me for help.

Well, the good news is
not only do I know men,

but straight guys are my specialty.

What does that mean?

I get bored pursuing gays.
I like to give myself more of a challenge.

- Yeah!
- Excuse me one second.

There you go, brother.
Dig deep, come on.

Push that shit out. Look at me,
I'm pinkies. I'm barely touching it.

You're clear. Locked it in, dude.
Nice job. Nice lift.

- Thanks, man.
- You're welcome.

All right, I'll see you around.

I hope so.

- That guy was totally flirting with you.
- I told you.

And did you see his wedding ring?
Straight as an arrow.

I'm telling you, hooking up is easy.

Meeting platonic male friends,
not so much.

So, what do I do?
I mean, how do I meet friends?

It's such a weird concept.

Well, I can do some recon
around the gym,

but you're gonna have to be
aggressive about this, man.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Use the Internet to meet guys.

Get Mom to fix you up.

I mean, if you see a cool-looking guy,
strike up a conversation

- and ask him on a man-date.
- A what?

- A man-date.
- Okay.

- You know what I mean?
- No.

By that, I mean a casual lunch
or after-work drinks, okay?

No dinner and no movies.

You're not taking these boys
to see The Devil Wears Prada.

God, I love that movie.

No, I won't. I got you.
I know what you mean.

This is really exciting.
We're gonna find you some friends.

- So I'm gonna... What do I do?
- You don't play much?

- I used to play a lot of Hearts in college.
- This is the same thing.

I don't even know why he called.
This guy hasn't even played poker.

I don't know.
I don't know, but it's Zooey's fiancé,

so just shut the fuck up and be nice.

Well, if I do this, we have sex
with the lights on when you get home.

- Really?
- Yeah. Like in Jamaica.

- Fine.
- All night long.

- Fine. Love you.
- All right.

My brother's a great guy, you know?
I mean, he's smart, he's...

Well, actually,
I don't know him that well,

but I'll give you five free sessions
if you take him out.

Go Beckham!

So glad Robbie hooked this up.
This is awesome! This is awesome!

- Me, too. This is really...
- Isn't this great, man? I love soccer!

Here we go, Galaxy! Here we go!

Here we go, Galaxy! Here we go!

Come on, Peter, stand up. Here we go...

Shut the fuck up!

All right, now people are really upset.

- You shut up!
- No, you shut up!

- You shut up!
- Hey, watch the game!

Honey, he just moved to LA.
He barely knows anyone.

He's an architect.

His mother says
he's so excited to meet you.

Robbie told me not to have dinner
with any of these guys.

Your brother's a crazy person.
One dinner won't kill you.

- Doug?
- Peter?

- Hey.
- Hey.

- So you just moved here, huh?
- I did. Pretty recently.

A couple of weeks.
Fresh off the boat from Chicago.


- Windy City.
- Oh, yeah.

Da Bears.

Those sports guys.

You know what else, the other old
Saturday Night Live one I love? The...

What's the one Dana Carvey does
with the old lady who's like...

- Church Lady?
- Yes! Yes!

"Isn't that special?"

"Isn't that special?"

That sounded
kind of more leprechaun-y.

- It did?
- It did a little. Like a leprechaun.

Nice to meet you, too, Mel Stein.

The picture's from
a couple of years back.

Have a seat. I'm so happy
to meet you in person, you know.

Me, too. How long have you been
using the Internet?

Three or four years.

I didn't know anything about it
until a couple of years ago.

- You're good at it now.
- Thank you.

- And the big dog!
- There it is!

Let me ask you guys.
Let me ask you guys.

Beatles, Stones. On a count of three.

- One, two, three. Beatles.
- All in.

- Fuck you.
- I don't care.

- All in.
- You're an idiot.

That's you, pal.

I will call in.

- Too much for me.
- You're in.

- Anybody else? Just me and you?
- Yeah.

That's it? Pot right? Trip queens.

- Nice.
- Three ladies. Three ladies.

- Nice hand.
- Finally. Fucking finally.

- Wait, let's see what he's got.
- Yeah, let's see what he's got.

I have nothing. I have five spades.

- That's a flush.
- Yes, one, two, three...


He's a fucking asshole.

- Relax.
- I'm not gonna relax.

- What?
- I said you're an asshole, Peter.

Don't take it too seriously.

What are you staying in
with seven deuce suited?

With a fucking rainbow rag flop!
Take the fucking chips. I'm buying in.

- I'm sorry...
- Just give me some more chips.

I didn't know it was a rainbow.

- Is the wine treating you well?
- It opened up beautifully. Thank you.

- Excellent.
- Come on.

- Hot. Hot.
- Oh, my God.

- She's so hot.
- She's smoking.

All right, Pete,
you done a boat race, right?

- No.
- Just drink the fucking beer,

- and you'll get the hang of it.
- I've got it. I will...

Doesn't matter who's winning.

It comes down to you and me.

- It's gonna be anchors.
- We're the anchors.

- Let's boat... Let's boat race! Race it up!
- Ain't no luck in boat racing.

One! Two! Three! Go!

Come on, Pete! It's all you, Peter!

Go, go, go!

Take him down!

- One more time!
- Let's go!

Come on! Go, Barry!

- Barry! Damn it, Barry!
- Fuck!

Yes! In your face! In your...

Holy shit!

- I'm sorry.
- Get out of my house.

- I'm so sorry.
- Just get out of my fucking house.

- I'm sorry.
- This is not cool! Get the fuck out!

I gotta tell you, Doug,
I really enjoyed this.

You know, I've been out
with so many jerks recently.

It's nice to meet somebody
I can have an actual conversation with.

- Let's do it again.
- I'd love to.

Okay. Tomorrow night. Matsuhisa, 8:00.

- I will see you there, sir.
- Awesome.

You've been so busy.

I've hardly seen you
these past couple weeks.

I know. I've been crazy at work.

I'm happy to see you now.

- Have you been kissing someone?
- No.

Peter, your mouth tastes like an ashtray.

Yes. I went to dinner with this guy,
and he kissed me.

What the fuck are you talking about?

My mom set me up with this guy,

and he thought I was gay,
and it was just...

It was a whole misunderstanding.

- Your mom set you up with a guy?
- Yeah.

You told me you were going to dinner
with a client.

- No.
- What the hell is going on?

Look, I overheard you
talking to the other girls

on your girls' night and...

I knew it.

Look, I know that you're stressed out
that I don't have any close friends,

so I've been trying to meet someone.

Right, you've been...
Okay, so that explains a lot.

I thought it was so weird
that you wanted to hang out with Barry.

- Yeah, exactly. That guy's a dick.
- Yeah.

- I threw up in his face.
- Yeah, I know. Denise told me.

- I threw up in his... A lot.
- Yeah.

- Projectiled.
- Yeah.

- That's a real thing.
- Yeah.

Well, I don't think I'm gonna
meet anybody by June 30th,

so our wedding party's
gonna be a little uneven.

Peter, I don't care.
I just want you to be happy

and to stop kissing strange men.

Wow, it's really smoky in there.

Yeah, he got up in there.

- Tongue?
- Oh, yeah.

You wouldn't mind brushing your teeth,
would you?

No. I've already done it
a couple of times.

I'll do the mouthwash again.

- There's some Tom's in the top cabinet.
- No, I gotta go with chemicals on this.

- I love you.
- I love you, too. I might use Comet.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

I live down there.

I like it. I'm liking it.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

It's a good space, you know?
It's a good vibe.

- Yeah? Terrific.
- Yeah.

Well, when the Santa Anas
come through, it is majestic.

- Thanks.
- I'm excited.

- We'll let you know.
- Okay.

Thank you.

- Hello.
- Hi.

- lf you need any help, just let me know.
- Thanks.


Thank you for eating.

- I'm the first one, huh?
- Yeah.

I never understood why people
are so afraid to eat at an open house.

I know.

Why's Ferrigno selling?

He bought a place in Jackson Hole.

Yeah, I think he's tired
of the Hollywood grind.


You know, I've always wanted a pad
with a giant Lou Ferrigno statue,

so I think I've found it.

He's got one.

You're wasting your time
with that couple. Just FYI.

Why do you say that?

I saw the guy pull in.
He's driving a Saab 9.3,

which, I'm not a snob, it's a great car,
but it costs $30,000.

This house must be,
what, 4, $4.2 million?

Doesn't quite compute, right?

Well, I hope that's not the case.
He told me he was gonna make an offer.

I think he's trying to impress that girl
he hasn't slept with yet.

- The feng shui.
- Yeah.

How do you know that?

Well, it's body language, you know?

Look, that guy needs to fart.

It's pretty clear,
but he doesn't know her well enough

to do it in front of her,
so I assume they haven't slept together.

- I like it. You okay?
- Yeah, no, I'm fine. I'm good.

- He does seem to be clenching.
- Yeah, he doesn't wanna fart.

Watch. When he gets enough space,
he's gonna let one rip, I guarantee you.

That's a good move.

"Hey, go check out the kitchen, honey.
I'll meet you in there."

- Okay. Yeah.
- Now watch.

He's making his move slowly.
Slowly but surely. Watch the leg.

Wait for it. Wait for it. Fart.

- Boom. That's a fart, motherfucker.
- Oh, my God.

- That's a fucking fart.
- Oh, my God!

Look at him crop-dusting across
your open house. It's a disgrace.

- He farted in my open house.
- He sure did.

You know what, guy?

I like it, but I'm thinking
it might be a little bit small.

Totally, and it smells like fart.

- What?
- Never mind.

Let's take off, baby. Come on.

Roll down the windows
in that car, sweetheart.

You called that.
That was like a play-by-play.

That's amazing. You called that!

- Yeah. Well, I know my farts.
- Unbelievable.

Well, listen, just full disclosure.

I have no interest in buying this house.

Well, then why are you here?

To eat your free food
and to try to meet a divorcée.

- Are you serious?
- I am.

Yeah. I've found
that at the classy open houses,

the spread is usually pretty decent,

and there's a beautiful bevy of attractive
and newly-single women.

I don't know what to say.
Thank you for your honesty.

Thank you for the sun-dried tomato aioli,
because it's a revelation.

- Wow. Hey, thanks for noticing.
- Yeah.

All right,
I'm gonna take this panini for the road.

There's an open house in Bel Air that
promises to be replete with cougars.

- You don't wanna miss that.
- No, sir.

- It was nice to meet you. Yeah.
- You, too.

Hey, you know what, here,
let me give you my business card.

- All right.
- In case you're looking for,

you know, a new home or anything.

I actually specialize in smaller houses,
bungalows, that kind of thing.

- Lovely. Let me give you mine, as well.
- Okay.

- "Sydney Fife."
- That is my name.

There you go.

Well, thank you
for the great open house.

- My plezh. Okay.
- All right.

- Nice to meet you.
- You, too, Sydney.


I can't just call him.

Why are you being such a chickenshit?

He gave you his card.
It's an open invitation.

Engage your core.

It's beach season. It's beach season.

I hate this.
There's no rules for male friendships.

What are you freaking out about?
You went out with those other guys.

- I'm really nervous about this one.
- 'Cause you really like him.

All right, buddy, great set.
Take five, I'll come rub you down.

Look, if he does call,
no more dinners, okay?

- It's sending the wrong message.
- I know, I know.

Hey, Peter! I got an extra ticket
to the Galaxy game tonight!

You know what? Thanks, man,
I'm sorry, I can't. I got a function.

I got season ticks.
I'll get you on the flip side. Here we go.

Hey, thanks a lot
for hooking me up with Elmo over there.

- That was a blast.
- What? That guy's cool.

Here we go. Here we go.
Come on, push it out.

Everything you got! Everything you got!
Everything you got!


Just to...

Hey... Pathetic.

Sydney, how you doing?
It's Peter Klaven.

Hey, Sydney, it's Peter Klaven.
We met at the open house last week.

Get some guts, would you?
I got some cheese. Give me a break.

No. Oh, my God.

- Hey, Peter.
- Hey, Carolyn.


Fife. You know what to do.

Hey, Peter. It's Sydney Klaven.
No, that's not right.

Sydney, it's Peter Klaven.

I met you last week at an open house,

and I had a showing and...

Anyway, I was wondering
if you ever wanted to get together

and talk about real estate and whatnot.
Or whatnot. And...

- Hey, sugar.
- Hey.

I'm sorry, I forgot what I was gonna say.
What was I saying?

Yes, the open house and we met...
Anyway, no rush.

You call me back
whenever you get a mo. Get a moment.

And we will talk when I talk to you.

All right.
Hope you're having a great day.

Okay. Bye, now.


I'm fine with a little mercury poisoning
as long as it means I get to eat raw fish,

'cause I love it so much.

My doctor said it's really bad
if you're trying to get pregnant.

I heard that.

Which Barry and I are doing.

Oh, my God, that's so exciting!

- I'm sorry.
- What?

I'm sorry.
I just pictured you and Barry having sex.

And he's so big and you're so tiny,
and I just...

- Hailey...
- Like, I totally imagined Barry just like...

Okay, hold on, wait.

Why are you even imagining us
doing it anyway?

- I'm seeing it again.
- Well, stop! Stop! Cut it!

No, I love Barry.

- Hey!
- Hey!

- Hey! Hey!
- Hi!

- Hi!
- What are you doing here?

I just had a meeting downtown
with the owners of the development site,

so thought I'd stop in
and say hi on my way back to the office.

So, Peter,
how's your little manhunt coming?

Really, you told them? Shocking.

Well, I mean, Barry and his friends

said they had a great time with you
the other night.

- Seriously?
- No.

Well, I just...
I don't drink that much and they pound.

They were pounding drinks.

Yeah, you're not used to drinking
that much.

Excuse me just a second.

Peter Klaven.

Excuse me just one...
Hey, Sydney. How are you?

Is that a man or a woman?

I don't know. I've never heard of Sydney.

I could be in Venice by 5:00, yeah.
I can do that.

It's a man-date. It's a man-date.
This is a man-date.

James' Beach Bar and Grill.

I look forward to it. Sounds great.

All right. I'll see you in a jiff.

- "See you in a jiff"?
- I don't know why I said that.

I've never said that expression before
in my life. I just said, "See you in a jiff."

Honey, you're all flustered.
Who was that?

It was just this guy
that I met at my open house.

- Sydney something or other.
- Sydney. I like it.

- Oh, my God. Peter's got a boyfriend.
- And I don't.

Oh, God, why does everything
have to be about you?

Because I'm single.

I'm meeting him right now.

Dude, no dinner.
He'll get the wrong idea.

You don't wanna get another
tongue-fucking at the valet stand.

Yes, Robbie, I promise. No dinner.

Dude, I'm pumped about this.
Call me when you get home.


Thank you, bro.

All right, so you break it off
with your ex-girlfriend...

Yeah, and I met Zooey
the very next day.

Man, no laj between the vag?

- What does that mean?
- No lag time between vaginas.

Yeah, no. I don't...

I mean, I didn't plan for it
to be like that, you know,

with no laj, but it just happened.

All right. How's the sex?

That's a little private, wouldn't you say?

Look, it's something we think about
on a second-to-second basis,

and yet we're not supposed
to talk about it? Why?


I guess no one's ever really asked me
before, but it's good. Sex is good.

- Oh, boy.
- What, "Oh, boy"?

Well, your voice went up
when you said that.


It means you weren't
being entirely truthful.

Look, I don't know this girl,
so you can talk to me. What's the deal?

I don't know, I guess maybe sometimes
I wish that she enjoyed, you know...

- Getting it in the tush?
- No. No, no, no.

- That's my bad.
- Oral sex.

She doesn't like to put it in the mouth?

I can't believe I'm telling you this.
I don't even know you. Forget it. Look.

Zooey's awesome,
and we have a great sex life.

We really do. I can't...
I don't even know why I said that.

Because you're speaking honestly,
all right? Relax.

And what about you?

- You ever been married?
- No.

For what I'm looking for,
divorcées are perfect, you know?

They don't want anything serious,
and neither do I.

Well, hey, man.
You know, if it works for you.

Believe me, Pistol, it is the best.

- "Pistol"?
- Yeah. Pistol.

- Because you're Pete. So Pistol Pete.
- Pistol Pete.

Excuse me,
you guys finishing up here soon?

No, sorry, chief,
we're actually staying for dinner.

No, actually, I already have
a dinner plan with my fiancée.

No, dude, this place
has the best fish tacos in the world.

Literally. Ranked.
You gotta have one or two.

It's the pico de gallo, man.
Just use your hands.

We're barbarians after all, men.

Every once in a while,
I go down to the Boardwalk

and I just throw my own feces
like a gorilla.

You all right?

How can you disagree with me on this?
I mean, look, my...

It's bad for the whole world.

My lease is gonna be up and I think...

- Are you talking about hybrid cars?
- Yes. Yes.

I thought you were talking
about hybrid animals.

- Hybrid animals?
- Yeah.

What the fuck is a hybrid animal?

It took Andre the Giant a barrel of beer
to get drunk, sometimes two.

- "Hello, pretty lady."
- "Anybody want a peanut?"

Should we get a third order
of fish tacos?

Hands down,
best fish taco I've ever had in my life.

God, those tortillas were incredible.

Yeah, they make them in-house.
It sets up the flavor for the whole dish.

You know what?
I just realized something.

I never even asked you
if you were interested in buying a house.

No. No, why would I be?

Well, it's just when you called me back,

I didn't know if you wanted
to talk about real estate or not.

You just seemed like a good dude.

I thought I'd see if you wanted
to grab a beer. That's all.

I'm glad you called.

- You get home safe, Pistol.
- You got it, Joban.

I'm sorry, what?


- No, what'd you say?
- I don't know.

You... You nicknamed me Pistol,
and I just called you Joban.

It means nothing. I don't...
I'm drunk. I'm gonna call a cab.

All right, man.
You have my number, yeah?

I got you stored in my iPhin.

- All right. If you need me, call, okay?
- Man, I'm golden.

- Yeah. All right, man.
- All right, bud.

Have a good night.

I don't know the number for a taxi.

- Hi, baby.
- Hey.

- Did you have a good time?
- Yeah, we did. Yeah.

Sydney's a cool guy. Got kind of drunk.

- Really?
- Yeah, I had to take a cab home.

- Really? Did you...
- Throw up in his face?

- Yeah.
- No.

- Good.
- So that's good.

That's good. So is he your best man?

It's way too early to tell,
but it's very sweet of you to ask.

Go back to sleep.
I'll be in, in a second, all right?

I just wanna see
if I got any hits on Ferrigno.


- Whoomp! There he is! There he is!
- Stop it. Stop it.

- Ass, ass and titties.
- Stop it. Fucking stop it.

- Fuck, I'm ticklish, Tevin.
- Okay. Uncle. Uncle.

Hey. How was the open hizzy?

- The what?
- The open house.

The open house. It was great.

- Yeah? Did you flip that bitch yet?
- Yeah.

No. I mean, I've had a few nibbles.
No bites.

Nibbles? Me no likey nibbles.

- Peter, can I talk to you as a friend?
- Sure.

You're dealing with the house
of a major Hollywood celebrity,

Mr. Louis Ferrigno,
The Hulk from television.

Of course. I know that.

How badly
do you wanna sell this house?

- I need to. You know, for...
- I know you need to.

You gotta do it the old-fashioned way.

You gotta network.
You gotta meet a lot of people.

You gotta get them some leave-behinds.

- I have brochures.
- Brochures are totally different, okay?

- How?
- You see this picture right here?

- Yeah.
- Do you know who took it?

- No.
- M. Night Shyamalan,

the director of The Village.

- Okay.
- What's your bus-bench ad situation?

- I don't have any.
- What about urinal cakes?

- How about urinal cakes?
- Do you use them?

- When I pee.
- That's not what I'm talking about.

Go into any Olive Garden,
P.F. Chang's Chinese Bistro,

T.G.I. Friday's, Fuddruckers.

What do they have in the bathroom?
Urinal cakes with my face on it.

Does it... I don't see how that would...

I've had people come up to me
on the streets and say,

"I know you from somewhere."

"Yeah, you do.
You pissed on my face, friend."

I don't see how
having somebody piss on my face

is gonna be able to sell
Lou Ferrigno's house.

Peter, you got the steak,
but I got the sizzle, my nizzle. Right?

Why don't we split the listing. Okay?

Let me wet my beak on this action.
We'll both be winners.

I appreciate it, but I'd really like to try
and do this myself.

Yeah. Absolutely.
I'm just putting on my friend hat here.

- I appreciate it. All right.
- Whoomp! There he is!

- Oh, jeez.
- Watch yourself, big girl.

- Fife.
- Hey, Sydney. It's the Pistol.


Peter Klaven from
the James' Beach thing the other night.

Hey, yeah, what's going on, man?

Yeah. Not much. I'm working like a dog.

But, you know, usual... The yoozh stuff.

I was just calling to say, hey,
I had a great time the other night.

Yeah, I had a nice time, man.
Those fish tacos are the tits.

Yeah, you know, if you ever wanna
grab lunch or something, nothing major.

Yeah. Actually, you know what?
I'm gonna take my puggle

for a little jaunt
on the Venice Boardwalk.

- You should come meet me.
- All right. Yeah, great.

Cool. Why don't you meet me
at Muscle Beach at like,

- I don't know, in a half an hour?
- Muscle Beach, half an hour.

I will see you there,
or I will see you on another time.

That was very confusing.
I don't know if you're gonna come or not.

- No, I'll be there. I'll be there.
- All right, I'll see you then, buddy.

All right. Laters on the menjay.

What did I just say?

He's a cross
between a beagle and a pug.

- The most beautiful dog in the world.
- He's cute. What's his name?

Anwar Sadat,

after Anwar Sadat,
former president of Egypt.

Because you're a fan of his policies or...

No, because they look exactly alike.

Hey, so how's Ferrigno coming?
You got any offers yet?

Not yet, no.

This guy that I work with, Tevin Downey,
he wants to share the listing with me.

What? And split the commission?

What about the land
you told me you wanted to buy?

It would put a delay on that,
but I gotta sell the place, you know?

Tevin's a total cheeseball,
but he markets himself like crazy.

He's on bus-bench ads all over town.

You know,
he says the place is out of my league.

Hey, that is bullshit. All right?

That open house was understated.
It was classy and elegant.

I've been to a million of those things
and nobody,

nobody puts out
rosemary flatbread paninis.

Now hold on, my dog needs to shit.

Well, I'm trying to sell the place,
believe me, but...

Hey, no, Pete.
Trying is having the intention to fail.

You gotta scrap that word
from your vocab.

Say you're gonna do it and you will.

Come on, buddy. Good boy.

- You need a plastic bag or...
- No, I don't clean up after my dog.

Dog poop is like a compost.

It's got a ton of nutrients
that enrich the soil.

But we're on pavement.

God damn it!
How about cleaning up after your dog?

You mind your own fuckhole!

What the fuck? Psycho.

What was that?

I'm a man, Peter.

I've got an ocean of testosterone
flowing through my veins.

Society tells us to act civilized,
but the truth is we're animals,

and sometimes you gotta let it out.
Try it.

I'm not gonna start screaming
in the middle of the Venice Boardwalk.

Come with me.

- This is silly.
- Indulge me.

That was really good.

Now gently remove your tampon
and try again.

Respect the process.

Why do you wanna mock the process?

- Because it doesn't do anything.
- No.

If you don't yell,
I'm gonna punch you in your stomach.

That was really good, man.
That was terrifying.

You just scared my dog.

- Yeah? You feel better?
- Yeah.

- Want to get a corn dog?
- Yeah!

Let's go.

...the span of this, like, I don't know,
30 pages. It's insane. It's crazy.

I know. I read it in college, and I loved it.

What a great house.

Thanks, man.
Yeah, come check out the back.


- This is a bumper car I got on eBay.
- Wow.

I was in a bidding war
with CarnivalKid 32,

so I had to go on the "Buy It Now" price,
but I got it.

- Coolness.
- And you remember Marlena.

Hey, Lenish.

Now let's check out
the pièce de résistance, bitch.

I wanna do it. Separate garage.

- Mr. Klaven.
- Very nice.

Welcome to the Temple of Doom.

Holy shit, Sydney. This place is insane.

Holy fuck. Oh, my God.

- Thanks, man. I try.
- This is amazing.

- Thank you, sir.
- You got some TVs.

I do. I do.


- Beer?
- I'll snake a brew.

- Put on some tunes.
- Is that you?

Yeah, that's me in ninth grade, man.

- Are you that little kid?
- Yeah, I was a late bloomer.

"Wrecking Crew."

- Come and take a load off, bud.
- Oh, man.

Pop a squizz nut.

What's going on over there?

This is where I jerk off.

And the condoms?

- I wear them when I masturbate.
- Are you kidding me?

I always get this reaction,

but the fact is they decrease sensitivity
so I can last longer.

And there's no sticky mess to clean up.

And when your divorcées come over,
you put them away?

Pete, this is the man cave.
There's no women allowed in here.

I got a jerk-off station, for God's sakes.

Sit down, man.

What about when your guy friends
come over? Aren't you embarrassed?

Masturbation is a part of life, Pete.
Dudes masturbate. So do chicks.

You never talked about masturbating
with your friends?

- No, I haven't.
- All right.

When was the last time you did it, Pete?

I'm not gonna tell you that.

Hey. Listen, you think of this place
as a Cone of Silence, all right?

I'm not gonna tell anybody
any of the things you say in here.

You have my word.

Zooey went to the Pasadena flea market
with her friends last weekend,

and I did it then.

Well, that sounds lovely.

What'd you use? Internet or DVD?

How do you get me
to tell you these things?

Come on.

I used a picture of Zooey in a bikini

that I took when we were on vacation
in Cabo San Lucas.

Wait, you jacked off
to a picture of your own girlfriend?

You... That... Wow. That is sick.

Oh, my God! What is wrong with you?

What's wrong with that?

Pedro, there is so much wrong with that,
I don't even know where to begin. It's...

- That is sick, man.
- Someone's ears were burning.

Heard you say you jacked off
to her picture, sicko.

Hey, babe.

Good. Yeah, I'm over here at Sydney's.
We're just chillaxing.

We're in the chill station.

Yeah, I'm kind of playing hooky
from work.

No, I'll see you at home later on.

Love you, too. Bye-bye.

Hey, why'd you tell her
you bailed from work?

I didn't wanna lie to her.

You're one of the most honest people
I've ever met. You can understand that.

Yeah, I never lie to women,

but, I mean, there are some things
I choose not to share with them.

- I don't really see the distinction.
- Really?

So you've told Zooey that you jacked off
to her picture last weekend.

Well, no, but...

All right. Well, you shared
that information with me, didn't you?

So there are dividing lines.
That's all I'm trying to say.

Like, I love to take a girl out to dinner,

but I'm not gonna go golf 18 holes
with her.

You know what? Zooey and I played golf
together a couple of months ago.

- It was really fun.
- That sounds like a fucking nightmare.

What do you play?

I play a little bit of everything,
but if I had to narrow it down to one,

I guess I'd say I'm an axman.

- Sweet. Guitar.
- What about you? You play anything?

I used to slap the bass
in a high school jazz band.

- All right.
- Rush. I love Rush.

Dude, Rush is the greatest band
of all time.

Yeah, no, how about of all time?
All time.

You know what? We should
jam together sometime, man.

Yeah. Totally.

Totes McGotes. Cool.

Well, you know what?
I should probably hit it to it.

All right, yeah.
I gotta get to bed early, anyway.

I'm doing a big day hike
with my buddies in Malibu tomorrow.

Yeah. Hey, thanks a lot. It was a really...
It was a good hang.

- Yeah.
- Sweet, sweet hanging.

- Well, adiós, Pistol.
- Take it easy, Siddy Slicker.

- I'm sorry.
- What?

I called you Siddy Slicker.

- That sucks.
- No, it was pretty close.

It's a lame nickname.

I thought it was good.
It was better than Joban.

Yeah, right. I'm gonna get it.
I'll get a better one.

- Dude, it was fine.
- I'm gonna get you.

- Get out of here. Get out of here.
- I'm gonna get you, sucka.

Later on, my...

Peter, I have a Lou Ferrigno for you
on line three.

Put him through.

Mr. Ferrigno. Hey, it's Peter Klaven.

Peter, what the hell's going on?

Yeah. If you just go past the first area
to the left, he's right there.

- Sure. What's your name?
- Leanne.

Leanne. That was my mother's name.

- Really?
- I don't know. Was it?

Peter, it's been on the market
for three weeks...

- Yes.
...and we haven't gotten one offer.

And that's why we're having another
open house this weekend.

Hello, mystery woman.

I think it was very beneficial,
very beneficial.

Beneficial? It was beneficial?

So you're telling me
we're gonna sell this house?

and I've gotten many nibbles this week.

- Nibbles?
- Yes, sir.

It's all about food with you, Peter.

No one cares about
the stupid sandwiches you put out.

No, sir. No, I absolutely agree with you.

You want to sell a house
and not a panini.

- Paninis? Paninis?
- Yes, sir.

Don't make him angry.

Enough with the cold cuts,
the condiments.

- You wouldn't like him when he's angry.
- What the hell you think this is?

No, I understand.
It's an open house and not a deli.

- Peter? Hello? You need to focus.
- Yeah. Yep. I think...

- I think...
- Let people know my house is for sale.

Forget about the sandwiches
and focus on selling my fucking house.

- Let's do this, okay?
- Yes, sir.

- Okay?
- Okay.

- Goodbye.
- All right, thank you. Bye-bye.

You all right?

- Hulk busting your balls?
- Yeah.

- What are you doing here?
- My blood bank's a few blocks away.

I'm AB negative. It's extremely rare,
so I try to donate every couple of weeks.

That's really nice, Sydney.

There's also this nurse there
who I wanna fuck so badly.

Oh, boy, here we go.
Should have guessed.

Hey, weren't you supposed to go hiking
with your friends today?

Yeah, a couple of them had to bail,
but we'll reschedule.

Anyway, listen, I got a house full
of leftover Koo Koo Roo,

so I was thinking maybe you
and me could go grab some lunch

and squeeze in a little jam session?

Leftover Koo Koo Roo?

Well, that sounds
about as appetizing as

a big pile of...
A plate of dirt, or something.

I'm... I was... I'm kidding.

Yeah. I still want to hang out
despite that joke.

- That was a bad joke.
- Yeah. You're better than that.

That's it.

- How's that feel?
- It feels tasty.

- Yeah? You sound pretty good, buddy.
- Thanks, man.

Here we go.

Wow, that's a good one, bud.

Hey, check out these two.

I call them bowsers. It's my nickname
for people who look just like their dog.

Good boy.

Where'd you come up with that?

It sounded right.

Shit. Hey, geek!
I just stepped in your dog's shit.

Now I'm gonna make you eat it.

Peter, run!

- Yeah!
- Take it.

It's a bit of a throwback, but it comes
with the built-ins. It's wired for sound.

This is fun.
This is a pair of jeans that he actually...

This house is exquisite.

I'd like to make an offer.

What do you think, hon?

Yeah, I don't like that,
but for the most part, I mean...

- Take it.
- Really?

Yeah, take it.

Sydney, what's up, man?

What happened? What?

Shut up! No.

Did it smell weird? Is it discolored?

Shut the fuck up!

So how long have you guys
known Sydney?

- It feels like forever.
- What?

Remember that time
we tripped acid together

- and he made us watch the news?
- That was a remarkable night.

- Dude. Dude. Don't. Dude.
- Don't be scared.

- Stop it. Stop it. Drive! Drive!
- Don't lean! Don't lean!

Yeah, Pistol.

Dude, Peter is on fire.

- Boo-yah! Yeah!
- Fuck me raw!

That's what I'm talking about.

- Sweet lunge, Peter.
- Yeah, Pete.

Suck it, Gil!

I love it!

Marvin Berry.

"You remember
that new sound you were looking for?"


- Are you all right?
- My fucking ass.

- Hey, you did great today though, man.
- You did. You made it up.

- I made it to the top. First time.
- Good job, bro.

- Hey, nice meeting you.
- Yeah, nice meeting you guys.

- All righty, Syd.
- Wait, where you going?

It's Sunday night.
Tina's nephews are coming over.

We're gonna watch
Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium.

No, it's just, I thought
we were all gonna have dinner together,

so I ordered us a 6-foot sub.

But I gotta bolt, too. I promised the kids
I'd take them to Cheeseria.

A little pizza action.

Yeah, well, I'm just gonna be stuck
at home grading papers tonight,

but thanks anyway. All right?

Fun day, guys.

- Pete?
- Man, you know, on Sunday night,

Zooey and I usually watch HBO.

Right. Yeah, yeah, of course. Cool.

But I can't let you eat
a 6-foot sub all by yourself.

- Do you want some?
- No,

I had like a foot and a half
back at Sydney's. I'm golden.

So, what do you guys do for, like,
seven straight hours?

Whatever. I mean, like, we'll just
hang out, you know. Shoot the shit.

Sometimes we jam a little bit.

- You play an instrument?
- Yeah.

I can't believe I've never told you.
I play bass.

- Really?
- Yeah. I slap the bass big time.

What do you... What is that?
You sound like a leprechaun.

- No, that's a reggae guy.
- What is that?

- I just did reggae.
- It doesn't sound...

- It doesn't sound reggae?
- No.

- Slap the bass.
- No.

- How does it...
- It's like, big time, big time.

- Big time.
- Big time. Slap the bass big time.

Slap the bass.

- That sounded like Borat.
- Yeah.

- Slap the bass. Big time.
- That's better. That's better.

Syd and I have gotten pretty good
at a couple of Rush songs.

What do you mean, like,
fast-paced rock?

No, like, Rush. Like the band Rush.

- I don't know them. The...
- The holy triumvirate.

- Wait, you don't know Rush?
- No.

- You don't know Rush, the band?
- No.

- "Exit the warrior, today's Tom Sawyer"?
- No!

All right, I'm gonna hit you up
with a little iTunes acción.

I cannot believe
you've never heard Rush.

So when am I gonna meet this guy
who's stolen you away from me?

Pretty soon, actually.

I invited him
to that little engagement party

my parents are throwing for us.

Wow, Peter! This is serious.

It's mellow. Besides,
I wanted to introduce him to Hailey.

- That's interesting. Yeah, I like that.
- Right?

Hey, let me ask you something.
Are you ready to get your world rocked?

Ready! Yes.

- Are you ready to get your mind blown?
- Do it!

Do you want to get some Neil Peart
all up in you?

I don't know.

Well, prepare to be Rushified!

- Sounds better on big speakers.
- I could see that.

- Good, right?
- Yeah.

- Do you do it that high when you do it?
- Well, in real life, I do it low.

- But air bass works best up here.
- Right.

This is exactly what I look like
when I jam out, man.

When I jam with my bass.

Slap the bass, man.

- There you go. There you go.
- I'm slapping the bass, man.

Slap the bass, man. I slap the bass.

Please don't do that.

- Slap the bass.
- Please?

Slap the bass.

- For the sake of our relationship.
- Slap that bass.

Please stop. Please. Please stop!
Thank you.

I'm slapping the bass.

I'm so glad
you're celebrating at my restaurant.

Of course, Mr. Chu.
We wouldn't go anywhere else.

Hey, this is my brother, Robbie.
Robbie, this is Sydney.

- Hey, Bro Namath.
- Nice. Nice to meet you.

- Peter, you remember Alan.
- From the gym.

- Yeah, hey, man.
- Hi, good to see you again.

- Alan, I'm Sydney.
- Sydney, nice to meet you.

It's a pleasure, man.

All right.
We're gonna grab some drinks.

- Cool, sweet.
- All right. Show them your stuff, fellas.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Zooey, this is Sydney.
Sydney, this is my fiancée, Zooey.

Sydney, I'm so happy to meet you.
I've heard so many great things.

Same here. And let me tell you,

this guy, he's gaga over you.
It's adorable.

- Honestly.
- It's true. It's true.

- It's true.
- Guilty as charged.

Hailey. Hailey.

Sydney, this is my oldest friend
in the world, Hailey.

- All right.
- Hi. I'm good.

You didn't ask, but I'm good.

- Nice to meet you, Sydney.
- It's a pleasure.

Great. I told you we were early.

- Would you shut up?
- It's supposed to be...

The minute we get in
you have to start bitching already?

- You told me it was a drop-by.
- You know what?

- This isn't a drop-by.
- This is not a drop-by.

It's a damn engagement party.
What is wrong with you?

Can I have a Belvedere on the rocks,

- please?
- You're such an asshole.

Could you just shut up
and not talk to people tonight?

And something
with sour mix in it for her.

I'm sorry they didn't cater this to you
and your liking.

- Hey, guys.
- No...

- Hi, you look beautiful!
- Hey.

- Hello, sweetie. How you doing, baby?
- Hi.

- Thanks for coming.
- Hi.

- You guys know each other.
- How you doing? Yeah, we do.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. So...

- What do you got there?
- Sex on the beach. Yeah.

You never know! Gotta be prepared.

- The possibility.
- Wow.

I'm just saying, you know.

- What is going on over there?
- Yeah, let me tell you.

- Is that her date?
- I'll give you the whole lowdown.

Should we...

What's up?

Hey, I don't remember.
Do you play an instrument?

- No.
- Because Syd and I, my buddy Sydney,

- we've been jamming a lot...
- I don't play any instruments.

I slap some bass,
and then Sydney's an axman.

'Cause I was gonna say
if you wanted to jam with us,

you know, that'd be cool.
But you don't have...

You have a piano in your house, though,
don't you?

- Yeah, I don't play.
- Really? Why do you have a piano?

The decorator put it there.

Your... Does he... I thought...
No one plays?

- I'm gonna go check on the table.
- All right. Yep.

- Hi. I'm Denise.
- Hi.

- Denise.
- I'm Zooey's friend.

I've heard so much about you.

- It smells like a fucking pet shop in here.
- Hi. How are you? Okay.

- Mrs. Klaven, the banquet room is ready.
- And who's Mr. Sunshine here?

Hi. This is my husband, Barry.

Come on back, everybody.
The banquet room is ready.

Well, I'm filling myself up.
I need to undo my pants.

There's a lot of protein, but I love it.

If I may, I think it's only fitting
that we're eating tonight at Hop Louie's

because this is, after all,

Peter's favorite restaurant
to bring all of his dates.

So of course he would bring Zooey here
their first night out.

- Just like the rest of them.
- No.

I remember that night when Peter
got home, he called me and he said,

"Mom, this is the girl I'm gonna marry."

And it's not just because she wanted
an extra order of slippery shrimp.

On the first date?

- Hey, now.
- Sometimes.

But the point is,
here we are eight months later.

Peter, Zooey,

we love you,

and we wish only the best for you both.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

- To Peter and Zooey.
- Cheers.

- Cheers.
- Thanks, Mom.

- Cheers, bro.
- Thanks.

Well, I promised Denise
we'd be gone after appetizers, so...

You know what?
I'd actually like to just say a few words

- if it's cool with the table.
- Wow.

What an honor it is to be sitting here
with Peter and Zooey's friends, family,

Hailey, Robbie's lover,
Robbie, Oz, Joyce.

Thank you
for hosting this beautiful dinner.

You got this guy
with the smoking hot wife.

And finally, we got Zooey.

Zooey, you are about to marry
one of the most honest,

kind and fun-loving people
I've ever had the honor of knowing.

The Pistol is a pleasure-giver,
that's for sure.

Yeah. A fucking puke pistol.

And the thing about a man like that,
a man like Peter,

is that he never asks
for anything in return,

and that's why I'm here.

I'm here as Peter's friend,
as Peter's confidant,

just to say to you, beautiful Zooey,

give it back. Yeah?

Return the favor.

And if you do,

I guarantee that you will have a beautiful
and pleasure-filled union.

- I don't think she sucks his dick.
- Watch your mouth.

With that, I'd like to raise a glass
to Pete and Zooey.


- Peter and Zooey.
- Cheers.

What the hell did you tell Sydney
about me?


I mean, aside from how much I love you.

So, what was with all that
pleasure-giver stuff?

I don't...

I might have mentioned in passing
or something

that you don't like doing oral sex.

- Peter, that stuff is private.
- Is it? Really?

And telling Hailey and Denise
about the hot tub in Mexico isn't?

- That is so different. They're...
- What? How?

- I've known them forever.
- So?

Peter, see, Sydney's like a stranger.

Hardly. He's become
a really good friend of mine,

and now you know how I feel
when there's no privacy

- between you and your girlfriends.
- I thought you loved those guys.

I do, I love them, but, you know,

some things I want to remain
between you and me.

Okay. Okay.

By the way,
it's not that I don't like doing it.

It's just that
Rodney just hated getting them.

Wait, what guy hates getting blowjobs?

He had some weird
intimacy problems, okay?

By the end of our relationship, he would
literally shiver when I touched him.

But before that, I always liked it.

I liked it.

Great. That's great.

Perfect. I mean, no pressure.
It's not like I'm saying,

"Hey, let's go home tonight
and get some BJs." But, you know...

Look, if Sydney hadn't asked me
about our sex life,

we wouldn't even be talking about this.

- That's true.
- Yeah.

You're right.

- And Hailey was really into him.
- She was?

Yeah, she liked how honest
and direct he was with her.

And, yeah, I know, that's the way he is.
That's his thing.

- The four of us should go out.
- Yeah. That'd be great.



- Well, have a good Pilates class.
- I will.

- Be sure to drink lots of water.
- Yeah.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Hey, Pete, let's go out back, yeah?
- Yeah.

- She was very nice-looking.
- Yeah, I fucked her.

I wonder if my pineapple
matches your pineapple.

Hey, you want to check?

Nope. Yours is short and fat
and mine is long and skinny.


Pete, can I talk to you about something?

- Yeah, what's up?
- Will you put down your treat

for a minute?

I feel really horrible about that toast
I gave at your engagement dinner.

It was ridonculous.

I was really excited to meet Zooey
and your family,

and then I showed up there
and I was just... I got so nervous.

It wasn't so great.

I want you to know I'm really sorry.
Everybody must hate me.

No, no, no.
Look, you had good intentions.

- I did.
- I know one person that didn't hate you.

Was it Benji's wife?
She's a hot piece of ass.

- No, Hailey.
- Yeah. She was funny.

I think she likes you.
We should all go out.

She seems great, Pete, but honestly,
within five minutes of meeting her,

she was telling me how she can't wait
to get married and have kids.

Look, she was kidding around.

I made reservations to play golf
on Sunday for the four of us.

No, Pete, I told you,
I don't play sports with women.

Look, man, you told my fiancée
that she needs to give me blowies

in front of my whole family, all right?
You owe me.

- You make a valid point.
- It's golf. It's fun!

I never have a beer until the ninth hole.

Maybe we can change that rule.

- Okay. All right.
- Keep your head down and fluid.

- Okay. Okay.
- Great, come on. You got it.

- Oh, my God!
- Whoa!

- Zooey, that was a great shot.
- Great shot.

Really, really good. I'm really impressed.

I'm sorry! I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- Fuck!
- Sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry, Sydney. Sorry.

Fucking cock in my fucking shit! God!

- Mary.
- You okay, man?

- I'm sorry.
- This is my nightmare!

- Whack it up.
- Whack it, Hails.

- Beautiful day.
- Yeah, it is. It's really nice.

It's kind of frustrating.

Yeah. My shin hurts.

I didn't realize
my skin could bruise that quickly.

- You're good.
- Guys, you're killing us here. Seriously.

- Let's get the ladies moving.
- Listen, just give me a second.

Rate of play, rate of play, rate of play,
rate of play, rate of play.

Hailey, you know what, why don't we just
pick it up and move down the fairway?

- No, this is fine.
- Because she won't have a chance

- to practice, right, Peter?
- I got it.

He's kind of got a point. I mean,
we're really holding these guys up.

You're being an asshole.
Hailey, just take your time, okay?

He's really not being an asshole.
There's a protocol.

The marshals come by,
and there is some time pressure.

- You know, I'm done. This sucks.
- Hailey, please...

- I'm out of here.
- Please don't go.

- Where are you going?
- Come on, Hailey. It's okay.

- I apologize. I'm sorry.
- I mean, we'll... Come on, Hailey.

- Please come back.
- Where are you going?

- Did you say something?
- No.

Thank you.

- Hey, man.
- Dude Von Dudenstein,

- what are you doing tonight?
- I just left you half an hour ago.

I'm watching HBO with Zooey.

I know, but I just got an e-mail alert
from the Rush fan club.

The Holy Trinity is playing
a small club gig tonight at the Avalon.

Dude, it's Sunday night.
I can't bail on her again.

Dude, you have your whole life

to sit around
and watch premium cable with Zooey.

Whatever, it's our ritual. It's HBO.

It's not TV, it's HBO.

Have you ever watched Sunday night
programming on HBO? It's spectacular.

It's fucking Rush.

I haven't seen them
since the Signals tour.

Can I invite Zooey?

- Slapping the bass!
- Slapping the bass!

What the fuck?


My God. We could practice every day
for six months, and I'm planning on it,

and we'll still suck. Yeah.
I'll give you a call.

All right. Take it easy, Magooch.

- Were you spying on me?
- Yeah, I was.

Because I'm totally weirded out
about what's going on between you two.

What are you talking about?
We were just going over the set list.

- I mean, what's the big deal?
- The big deal is

that we were supposed to have
a date night,

and you took me to this concert,
which is cool,

but then we get there
and it's like I don't even exist.

You don't even look at me.
You're licking Sydney's bass guitar.

There were tons of guys
that were licking each other's basses.

I just...
I feel like I'm losing you a little bit.

What? We were just doing
a recap of the set list.

- What? Zooey.
- Okay.

I was going over the set list.

So the big day's coming up.
How are you feeling?

Well, you know,
I was feeling really good,

but Zooey and I have been
fighting a lot recently.

All right, let me ask you a question.
Why are you marrying her?

What kind of question is that?

Well, it seems to me like you've gone
from relationship to relationship,

so is Zooey the one
or is she just the next one?

No, she's the one.

All right, well, how come?


I don't know. We're in love.


That's a hard question to answer.

Listen, I'm not trying to push you at all.
It's just for me,

sometimes talking this stuff out helps
to clarify things. That's all.

Let's go try on some penguin suits.

Thank you, lovely. What's your name?

- Raquel.
- That was my mother's name.

So I'm thinking about asking Tevin
if he wants in on the Ferrigno house.

Dude, I pissed on that guy's face
at a Bennigan's.

You do not need
to be splitting commission

with that frosty-haired chode.

I have to face facts, Syd.
I'm a flats guy, you know?

Tevin's got the flash needed
to sell the place.

What do you think?

You look fucking stiff.

We're shopping for tuxedos
for your wedding, man.

Let's have a good time.
Loosen it up a little bit.

I wanna take a photo.
Now, give me an action pose.

Like what? What do you mean?

Well, you're wearing a tuxedo.
What do you think I mean?

When have you ever seen
anyone in a tuxedo do that move?

Besides Runaway Bride.

The ESPYs.

You're wearing a tuxedo.
Think James Bond, all right?

Give me some James Bond.

It just looks like you're pointing at me.

- You look ridiculous, man.
- What am I... How can I... I can't...

- Think Timothy Dalton.
- T-Dalt.

Hey, that's pretty good.

Tell you what.
Give me your best Bond impression.

Why don't you get off your board

and get on...
"Get out of my dreams and into my car."

You looking for your pot of gold?

Why does everything I do
sound like a leprechaun?

You tell me. He speaks
like the coolest man on earth.

- The name is Bond. Oh, yeah.
- There you go.

The name is James Bond.

James Bond.

I'll have a margarita.

Well, hey there, Miss Moneypussy.
Wanna jump on my jetpack?

All right, enough of that.
Let's just take the picture, all right?

Arch an eyebrow for me. Other eyebrow.

No, you just look confused.

Arch your eyebrow up.
No, not both, just one.

I don't know how...

All right, maybe I was wrong.
Let's see the back.

You know what?
I'm not sure I'm in love with the drape.

What's wrong with the drape?
Does the vent move funny?

You should wear something
with a little more pizzazz, right?

- A little more flash.
- You don't like the split panel?

- Peacock it out a bit.
- No.

- Let's try...
- What are those? Checkers?

- Here. Give this one a try.
- Give me a break.

- No way, man.
- Come on.

I can't fricking pull that off. It's blue.

Look at me.

You have this image of yourself
as this straight-laced, tight guy,

but I've seen you cut loose
in the man cave, and it is fantastic.

Well, yeah. Slap a little bass.

Yeah, it's the same
with the Ferrigno house.

You have all of the skills in the world,
and you have no confidence.

Now, sack up, man.

Put on the fucking suit.

I can't believe you just touched my balls.

Hey, so listen, I also wanted
to talk to you about something.

This investment opportunity
has come up. It's a total winner.

The only problem is
all my funds are tied up in equities,

so I'm cash poor right now.

So I was wondering if you would
consider loaning me a few shekels?

How much are we talking about?

You know, 8.

$8,000. That's... That's a lot of...

That's a lot of quiche, you know?
A lot of cake.

It just... It might be a little tricky,

just 'cause Zooey's dad
is out of the picture,

and, you know,
we're paying for the wedding ourselves.

You know what? Enough said.

An opportunity came up.
I thought I would ask. No big deal.

Can you tell me about the investment?

I can't, actually.
It's confidential in nature, so...

Okay. Let me think about it.

Yeah, of course, buddy.

Hello, Peter.


- This is my...
- Sydney.

Sydney. This is Sydney.

You know, it takes a lot of nerve

to spend a beautiful evening
with someone

and then never call them again.

Doug, I can explain.

I just wish I could take back that kiss,

because I felt something
that I haven't felt in years,

and now I know
it was the taste of betrayal.

It wasn't the taste of betrayal.

- It was the taste of betrayal.
- No, it really wasn't.

It was the taste of betrayal,
you fucking whore.

- Doug.
- Good day.

Doug, wait.

- I can actually explain what just...
- I would love to hear that.

Wow. I mean, I knew when I got
the nod for the engagement dinner

you didn't have a ton of friends,
but I had no idea it went that far.

Truth is, I never even thought about it
until Zooey and I got engaged.

It's like,
you were basically just using me

because you needed
to fill out your wedding party.

Dude, no. Not it at all.

I'd actually given up
on meeting someone,

and then you wandered
into that open house, we hit it off,

and three-quarters of the Rush
songbook later, here we are.

- I just wish you'd have told me.
- Well, I was embarrassed.

I mean, you've had a close group
of male friends your whole life. I haven't.

I started feeling
like some kind of weirdo.

I get it. But I just want you to know
that you're my friend,

and you can tell me anything.

Thanks, Sydney. I appreciate that.

Hey, man, look, about that investment...

Pete, please,
forget I even brought it up, honestly.

I've been saving my whole life,

and you were right.
I'm gonna sell the Ferrigno place.

Fuck, yeah, you are.

I'd be happy to lend you the money.
I know you're good for it.

Pistol, that is great. Thank you.

It's the least I could do
for the best man at my wedding.

What are you talking about?

I want you to stand up there with me.
Are you cool with that?

Am I cool with that?

Of course I'll be your best man!
That's an honor! It's...

You're a whore, Peter.

- I think we're almost there.
- I think we're almost there, too.

I think it's just about putting
the random people together.

- Yeah.
- We should talk about the main table,

because if Hailey doesn't find a date
before the wedding,

which, let's be honest,
it seems pretty likely that she won't...

I know.

...we have an extra seat at our table.

Well, I was thinking that maybe
Sydney would sit at our table.

I asked him to be my best man.

Great! That's awesome.
That was the whole thing.

I'm not an idiot.
You're not psyched about this at all.

No, it's just...
I feel like he has some issue with me.

What? No. You guys just haven't
spent any time together.

- We've spent some time together.
- I'll talk to him.

Peter, do not talk to him.

He's gonna think
I'm saying stuff behind his back.

- You are saying stuff behind his back.
- No. I'm just sharing a feeling with you.

And I want you to.

But, Peter,
please don't say anything to him.

Okay, I won't.

So, we still have
to pick up the marriage license.

- Can you meet up tomorrow afternoon?
- Totally, yeah. Perfect.

So, what'd she say
about me being your best man?

She was pumped.
She thought it was awesome.

Come on, dude.

I'm the worst liar.
I promised her I wouldn't say anything.

Well, what is it?

She thinks you don't like her.

What? That is... No, of course I like her.
Are you...

We've only hung out a few times,

but she's gonna be your wife.
Of course I like her.

This dumb toast
is gonna haunt me forever.

Oh, man!

Dude, why is Ferrigno eating
with that urinal-cake-faced fuckhead?

We gotta confront him. Hold this.

No, wait. Sydney, wait, wait.
Wait. Sydney!

Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
What the fuck is going on here?

- Do I know you?
- No, you don't know me,

but I believe you know
my friend Peter Klaven,

who has an exclusive listing
on this man's property.

Lou, you promised Peter
the commission to your house.

I know, but he's not doing shit with it.

That is total crap, Hulk, all right?

Listen, this kind of stuff
doesn't happen overnight.

Peter, who the hell is this guy?

Hulk, let me tell you something
about Peter...

Look, please get your hand out of
my face and stop calling me Hulk.

I'm a person, okay?

I'm a person, okay.

- I warned you.
- You warned me?

- Hello?
- Hey.

I'm on my way to the marriage bureau.

Fuck you, Lou Ferrigno!

Is that Sydney?

- Hey!
- Fuck you, Hulk!

Oh, shit.

What the... What are you doing?

- What's going on?
- Sydney. He's fighting Lou Ferrigno.

Peter! He's so strong!

- Easy. Don't fight it.
- The Hulk has me in a sleeper hold,

- and I don't think I can take him...
- Easy. That's it.


- Wow.
- Peter!

Why the fuck would anyone
get in a fight with Lou Ferrigno?

Sydney's a hothead.
He thought he was standing up for me.

To The Incredible Hulk?

No, that's just a character he played.
In real life, Lou's actually a sweet man.

So, what does that mean
for your development property?

It means it's over.

Without the Ferrigno commission,
I'm not gonna be able to afford it.

You have some money saved up.

Can't you just write them a check,
you know, to show your good faith?

Between the wedding, and then,
you know, I lent Sydney some money.

I mean, it's just I'm gonna be short.
That's it.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You lent Sydney money?

For an investment.
All his money's tied up in equities.

- He's gonna pay me back.
- Peter, that's not the point.

We're getting married. You can't
just keep stuff like this from me.

Can I ask you a question?

Why do you think we're getting married?

What are you talking about?

No, it's just... Sydney asked me
that question, and I couldn't...

"Well, why Zooey?"
And I didn't know how to answer it.

- Are you kidding? You're kidding, right?
- Yes.

Two weeks before our wedding

and you don't know
why you're marrying me?

Just forget it. It was a stupid question.
I don't even know what I was thinking.

Just forget... Take it back 10 seconds
before I asked it,

and let's live in that time.

The thing is, Peter,
I get why you would wonder that. I do.

But I wish you would have answered
the question before you proposed to me.

That's the thing.
Before I didn't even think about it.

That came out bad, too.
I didn't... I'm so...

I'm confused.
I don't know what I'm saying.

Let me just make this
a little simpler for you.

I'm gonna go stay
with Denise and Barry,

and you and your bud Sydney
can hang out and beat up Lou Ferrigno

and go to Rush concerts

and ride a tandem bicycle down
the Venice Boardwalk for all I care.

- We never rode bicycles.
- Goodbye!

Zooey, come on! This is ridiculous!
Zooey! Zooey!

Oh, my God.

My God.

All right, he put up some billboards.
Put up some billboards.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God! No!

Fuck me over. Fucking fucking fuck!

Are you kidding me?

Come on!

Yeah, it's open.


That's what you borrowed $8,000 for?

You saw the billboards.
Pretty awesome, right?

Pretty awesome?

My buddy Dave sells ad space,
so he got us a great deal.

Pretty awesome? They're idiotic.

You put my face on a 10-foot dick
over Santa Monica Boulevard.

Yeah. It's hilarious.

Well, in one day you managed to screw
my career, you ruined my relationship...

What are you talking about?
Ruin your relationship?

Zooey walked out on me

because I asked her
why we were getting married.

Why would you ask her that?

Pete, that conversation
was between you and me.

You can't have that talk with her. I just...
Look, I assumed you understood that.

God, I am so sick
of your ridiculous rules.

I like it that I can share things
with Zooey.

I like it that if I can't sleep at night,
she's there to talk to.

Do you know the best night
I've had in the last five years

is the night
that Zooey and I split a bottle of wine,

we made a summer salad,
and watched Chocolat together.

- You mean Chocolate?
- Chocolat.

- Chocolate with Johnny Depp.
- Chocolat.

You're not fucking French, Pete.
It's called Chocolate.

Chocolate has got an "E" on it.

- That was your favorite night?
- Yes.

Your best night in five years is
watching Chocolate with Johnny Depp?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

The combination of wine
and summer salad and Chocolat, yeah.

You should be embarrassed.

You know, I think you're threatened
by what Zooey and I have

because you're afraid
I won't be able to hang out every night.

Hey, you know what?
I have a ton of friends, all right?

Yeah, who are all moving on
with their lives.

They're in relationships. They have kids.
They're growing up.

Hey, let's not forget.
You were the one using me.

- I think we were using each other.
- Whatever.

I really don't understand
what's going on right now.

I think we should spend
some time apart.


So if I actually do
wind up having a wedding,

it's probably best that you not be there.

Yeah. Sounds good to me, Pete.

And if you could have
those billboards taken down...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it'll take
a few days, but I will get on that.

And I'll also make sure you get
your money back as soon as possible.

Also, I think you have
my season 2 Lost DVDs. If you...

- lf you haven't watched them yet...
- It's fine, Pete. They're right here.

- Thanks.
- Yep.

It's just Zooey hasn't seen them all yet,

and she's really curious as to what
was going on inside that hatch.


- I wish you the best of luck, Peter.
- You, too, Sydney.

Bye, Anwar.

- Hey, Denise. Sorry to bother you.
- It's... I'll go get Zooey.

- Thank you.
- It's okay.

- Hey, Barry.
- Poker night.

- Full table.
- That's okay.

I'm here to talk to my fiancée.

Nice face.

Thank you.

- On the billboards.
- Right. Yeah.

- Yeah, my friend Sydney, he...
- I don't give a shit.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Could I talk to you outside?
- Yeah.

- License to sell.
- Yeah.

Look, that's what Sydney borrowed
all that money for.

He thought it would help my career.

Well, it got your name out there.

Besides, you look pretty cute
with a thick mustache.

Zooey, look,
I'm so sorry that I asked you

why you thought we should get married.

It's just that I've been talking
about this stuff with Sydney,

and, you know, it made me nervous.

Peter, I'm nervous, too, okay?
It's a big deal.

I couldn't believe actually how sure
you seemed about the whole thing,

which is why I freaked out when you
all of a sudden started questioning it.

Well, I'm sure about us
for so many reasons.

Truth is, I've been a girlfriend guy,
but out of all those girls,

you're the only one
that wanted me to have my own life.

You know? You want me
to have friends for me, not you.

It's, like, one of the most romantic
things I could ever think of.

What's up?

Dude, come on.

Zooey, I love you, and I wanna spend
the rest of my life with you.

Can we get this engagement
back on track?


- Please?
- Yes. Yes.

- Come on, it's poker night.
- So?

So just take her out for a cup of coffee
or something.

I'm not taking her out for a cup of coffee.

Why don't you take the boys
to fucking Starbucks and play poker?

Because it's poker night here.
It's always poker night here.

Yeah, that's my best friend.

I'm not leaving her, ever.
How about that?

She can stay here for five years
if she wants to.

You're gonna dress up like
a cheerleader tonight for me, all right?

Fine. Get the fuck out of here.

Hey, Zooey, you can stay here as long
as you want. You are always welcome.

- Thank you.
- Okay? Hey, by the way,

Peter, they've got plenty of room open
on the poker table.

They were lying.
They'd love to have you play poker.

- I'm not going to.
- Okay.

Oh, my God.
Barry and Denise fight all the time,

and then they have really loud,
intense make-up sex.

Please get me out of here, please.

- Let's get your stuff. Come on.
- Okay.

By the way, I ended things with Sydney.

Peter, really?
I hope that's not because of me.

No, no. He can be a great guy. It's just...
It wasn't really working out.

Then you process your purchase.

That sounds riveting.

I just stepped
in your dog's crap, asshole!

Aren't you gonna pick up
your dog's shit, shit giant?

Pick up your shit like a man!

Nice scarf, dickwad!

- Okay, so what should be our last song?
- Into the Mystic.

That's perfect. That is perfect.

Okay. Okay, so we have to go
through the place cards one more time,

'cause I'm a little bit...

Why don't you just call him?

Because guys don't do that.

E, Ethan. What's up, my man?
E. Bone Capone.

I'm just hanging out, man.

I wanted to see if you wanted to come
over and watch TV or something.

Again you're gonna watch
the Wonder Emporium?

Dude, what the fuck is there
to do at LEGOLAND

that you take these kids there
every weekend?

I understand that
that's not the point of teaching,

but just give them all B pluses.

Can I... Could I come with you?

What do you mean,
the kids think I'm creepy?

- Good to see you, Peter.
- You, too, Mel.

You know, I haven't had a real friend
since my wife passed.

I'm really glad you called.

Hey, do you have any plans
on June 30th?

I'm 89 years old. What the fuck
kind of plans would I have?

Just needed an adjustment.
I hope it'll be better now.

My mother knew Roux's return
had nothing to do with the silly old door.

So did I.


My favorite, hot chocolate.

Davis Dunn, how may I direct your call?

- Hey, Leanne.
- Peter. Where have you been?

Well, it's my wedding this weekend,

so I've been helping my fiancée
with all the last-minute preparations.

They broke the mold
when they made you.


Go check your voice mail.
You got like a million messages.

Yeah, is this Pistol Pete?

I have a home in Los Feliz,
and I've been trying to sell it,

and I saw your billboards.
I'm very impressed with your ads.

License to sell? That's hysterical!
It's like James Bond.

Hi, I'm interested
in buying the Ferrigno estate.

- lf you could give me a call.
- Oh, my God.

I love the one with you in the bed.
My number is 310...

- My husband and I saw your ad...
- Stop. Slow down.

Hello, Peter. It's Doug.

Saw the billboards. They are wonderful.

Wouldn't expect anything less from you.
And sorry about calling you a whore.

And hello to Sydney
if you guys are still together.

Otherwise, you can Facebook me.

Peter, hi. It's Lou Ferrigno.
Wonderful billboards.

Listen, I'm sorry
if I ever doubted you, man.

I told that douchebag Tevin

that I want you to have
the exclusive back on my house.

- Excuse me, Mr. Ferrigno?
- Yeah.

- Ten-minute warning.
- Okay. Thank you.

So just call me or just text me.

Goodbye, my friend.

There's my dog!

Hey, me rikey the billboards.

I completely underestimated you,
my brother.

What say we go down to Houston's,
get a burger and a beer

and talk about how we can tag-team
the Ferrigno deal?

Why are you slapping me?

Because I wanted
to cause you some physical pain,

but I have never actually hit anybody
in the face. It freaks me out.

And I didn't really know what to do.

Tevin, stay the fuck away
from my listing.

- Hey, Carolyn.
- Hey, Pete.

Good luck, Peter.

I'm so excited to see who Peter chose
for his wedding party.

Yeah. Yeah.

Honestly, that has to be
the most random

collection of groomsmen
in the history of weddings.

- I'm great. You know, I just got to...
- Okay.

I'll see you at the wedding.

I'm gonna get another mimosa.

Do you want to finish the one...


Hey. Wow,
I didn't expect to hear from you.

No, I wouldn't want to impose.

Yeah, yeah.
Maybe if I hurry, I can make the end of it.

Okay, I gotta go.
I gotta find something to wear.

Which one of these men has the ring?

I actually don't have a best man, so...

Robbie, I want you
to hold the ring for me.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- Unless you don't want to. I mean...

Thanks, Peter.

So sweet.

Hey, I want you boys to know,
you're both my best friends

and Hank Mardukas.

Hey, Hank.

Awesome tux.

- Thanks. It's blue.
- Yes, it is.

- You look amazing.
- Thank you.

Good afternoon.
We are gathered here today

to join Peter Klaven and Zooey Rice
in matrimony.

If anyone can show just cause
why they may not marry...

You son of a bitch!

No, no, Mr. Ferrigno,
I don't wanna object.

I just wanted to make it in time
for the vows. That's all.

I'm sorry. Sorry.

Sydney, come up.

No, I'm fine back here.

- Please, yes. Yes.
- Are you sure?

I hope you don't mind.

You invited him?

Well, I saw you walking
on the lawn looking all sad,

and I realized I couldn't let you
get married without your best man.

- I love you so much.
- I love you, too.

Zooey, thanks so much for inviting me.

Of course. You got here really fast.

Yeah. You know what,
I was on the Vesp,

so I just did the old weaveroo.

Dude, you're lying.
Your voice went up when you said that.

His voice got high.

Look, I was on my way
when Zooey called.

Invite or not, there was no way
I was gonna miss your wedding,

and I wanted to give you this.

Man, you don't have to do this.

You know what?
I know you don't believe me,

but I'm actually
a pretty successful investor, so...

Look, the billboards
were my wedding gift to you guys.

Man, they worked.

Yeah, I figured when I saw the Ferrigs
that they must have worked.

- That's great.
- Lou's the best.

I can only imagine.

I put him in a sleeper hold. Out.

Sydney, I'm really sorry
for all the stuff that I said.

Pete, you called me
on a lot of my issues. I appreciate it.

And for the record, I saw Chocolat.

Just delightful.

It is, right?

- I love Chocolat.
- I love that movie.

- Chocolat? What the fuck is that?
- I have no idea.

It's a beautiful movie.

I'm really glad you're here, Sydney.

Me, too.

I can't even imagine getting married
without you.

I love you, man.

I love you, too, bud.

- I love you, dude.
- I love you, Bro Montana.

- I love you, holmes.
- I love you, Broseph Goebbels.

- Love you, muchacha.
- I love you, Tycho Brohe.

Okay. Okay. Right. Let's continue here.

- I so wanna marry you.
- You will.

I'm going to.

Zooey, repeat after me.

- I, Zooey Rice.
- I, Zooey Rice.

- Take you, Peter Klaven.
- Take you, Peter Klaven.

- To be my lawfully wedded husband.
- To be my lawfully wedded husband.

I'm really sorry
about that dumb toast I gave.

It was out of line. I got really nervous
to meet you and I'm...

I don't know what happened to me.
I'm sorry.

Sydney, it's fine. Thank you.
That's very sweet of you.

For the record, I like giving blowjobs.

Well, that's good to hear. You know,
I was just looking out for my buddy.

I hear you.

I had to make sure that
he's getting blowies on a regular basis.

Yeah, I'm not really comfortable
with this conversation.

- Honey.
- We're all friends now.

- Friends do this.
- No, they don't.

- Wow, you have a nice singing voice.
- Thanks.

- Are you in a band?
- Not yet.

- Hailey.
- Lonnie.

- Hi.
- Hi.

That's awesome! That's awesome!

Excuse me, Peter.

Get my wife on up here!

You've been Rushified!

- You should be...
- You've never called me an asshole?

No, I've said you act like an asshole.

So, you get away with it
because it was the act of.

- That's your behavior.
- Right.

I'm not saying you're an asshole.

Oh, my God.

Shit. What?
Do I have a fucking sign on me?

- No, it's not my fault.
- How is it not your fault?

Because I'm pregnant.

I love you so much. I love you so much.

- Are you still mad?
- Try to make it a boy.

Thank you.
I'd just like to make a quick toast.


Special thanks to SergeiK.