In And Out Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the In And Out script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Paul Rudnick movie starring Kevin Kline.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of In And Out. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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In And Out Script



HOWARD BRACKETT: "And sunlight

clasped the earth...



"and the moonbeams

kissed the sea.



"What are

all these kissings worth...



"if thou kiss not me?"



That's it.



[Class laughs]



- Mike.

- Mr. Brackett, OK.



That Cameron Drake guy,

did you really teach him?



Yes, I did.

Right here in this very room.



Question about the poem?



Yes, Meredith.



MEREDITH: Did Cameron

have a girlfriend here?



- Please.

- Jack.



- Mr. Brackett.

- Vicky.



- Is this related to the poem?

- Oh, yeah.



You have a comment about English

literature or Romantic poetry?



- Absolutely.

- Let's hear it.



When Cameron went here...



and studied English literature

and Romantic poetry...



was he really cute?



No. He's had massive surgery.

A complete overhaul.



He was an iguana.



But, you know,

he loved this poem.



JACK: Excuse me, Mr. Brackett.



Mr. Brackett.






It's here.



From Indiana State.



And? Hey, Joe.



Will you open it?

lt'll make it easier.



What if I...

I mean, I'm not gonna get in.



I bet it says,

"Nice try, you moron.



"You loser, get out of here."



That's not quite the way

they put it.



Yes! You're in!

Full scholarship!



- Yes?

- Way to go!






[Hushed conversations]



MIKE: Shh, shh, shh.



HOWARD: Gentlemen,

Are we having a practice?



We can't, you know.



It's our coach.



He's getting married this week.



Yes, that's correct.



And he's drunk.



I'm drunk?



Pretty soon!



You guys!



Congratulations, Mr. Brackett!



BERNIECE: You're so beautiful.



EMILY: Howard?



HOWARD: You look exquisite.



I wish my folks were still here.



They never thought I'd marry.



We're your family now, dear.



I'm not just Howard's mom.



I'm yours.



HOWARD: Beware.



WOMAN: When you walked in...



I almost died.



I didn't recognize you.



BERNIECE: She's worked hard.



HOWARD: Isn't she a knockout?



EMILY: I was fat my whole life.



I was not going to waddle...



down that aisle.



When I saw...



Richard's Simmons' infomercial...



I love him.



EMILY: Remember when he went

to that woman's house...



who lost over     pounds

using the tapes?



WOMAN: Oh, yes.



EMILY: I just thought,

if she can do it, so can I.



HOWARD: And you did.



Bridal Barn, we salute you.



It's a straitjacket.



It's a classic, the J-  .



Everybody's been stopping by,



revving up for your nuptials.



WALTER: Look at this.



FRANK: Oh, son, I don't know.



SALESMAN: The Tormé.



[Tapping glass]



HOWARD: Thank you.



In just a few short days...



Emily and I will be married...



after three long years.



What, you may be asking,

was the problem?



AUNT BECKY: You said it!



HOWARD: Well, Aunt Becky,

I think I have the answer.



I vowed I would not marry...



until Cameron Drake...



was nominated for an Oscar.



I thought I was safe.



HOWARD: Tonight's the night,

for Cameron, at least...



and so I'll let you all...



get back to your sets.



This Sunday, thanks to my mom...



and dad and Emily...



It's going to be...



the happiest day of my life.






[Ethel Merman singing on stereo]

Everything's coming up roses...



HOWARD: Wouldn't it be

extraordinary if Cameron wins?



EMILY: I had him.



You did?



Yeah. I was a student teacher.

It was sophomore English.



He used to come every day

after school for extra help.



We spent the whole year...



reciting Romeo and Juliet

to each other.



Oh, really?

Just the two of you?



He was just a student.



Hmm, well, all right.



Now, which channel?



Mmm. Who wants

movie-style buttery lite?



GIRL: Me, I do.




Score pads and pencils.



Gretchen, what do you have

for Best Documentary?



Something about Polish

mine workers...



and their struggle to be free.



I hope

that nice Sally Field wins.



But she's not nominated.



Even so.



It's almost time.



WOMAN: Turn it on.



PETER MALLO Y: The place...

Hollywood, USA.



This is Peter Malloy

for Inside Entertainment...



inviting you to join me for

Hollywood's night of nights...



the   th Annual Academy Awards.



Ladies and gentlemen...



here is another screen legend,

an Oscar winner herself...



Miss Whoopi Goldberg.



FIRST FAN: Whoopi!



SECOND FAN: I love you, Whoopi!



So, Whoop, Cameron Drake.

His chances?



This kid is incredible.

He is so sexy...



WOMAN: It's Cameron!



WHOOPl: I adore him.

He is just the best there is.



It's Cameron Drake!



EMILY: There he is. Look.



CROWD: Cameron, Cameron!



Cameron, Cameron!



Cameron, Cameron!



Cameron, Cameron, Cameron!



MEREDITH: He is just so cool.



MIKE: What is that on his chin?



JACK: Looks like a troll doll.



MIKE: Did he just wake up?



GIRLS: Shut up.



Ladies and gentlemen, here comes

America's hottest young star...



and People Magazine's sexiest

man of the year, poor guy...



Cameron Drake.



- Hello.

- Hey.






PETER: So, Cameron,

tonight's the big night.



All the marbles.

Planet Cameron.






Uh, excuse me?



I said, right.



Everyone's saying that you won't

be going home empty-handed.



How do you feel about that?

And speak up.



Basically to me,

awards are meaningless.



I'm an artist.

It's about the work.



All the nominees are artists.



We shouldn't be forced

to compete like dogs.



I hear you. Good point.

Then why are you here?



In case I win.



ANNOUNCER: Now we return to

the   th Annual Academy Awards.



Coming up, the Oscar for

best performance by an actor.



Ladies and gentlemen,

Miss Glenn Close.



Now our final nominee

for Best Actor... Cameron Drake.



Cameron rocketed to stardom

with courage and charisma...



tackling the role

of a brave gay soldier...



in the breakthrough film

"To Serve and Protect."






[Men screaming]




You're gonna make it, Danny.



DANNY: I love you, Billy.



Wait. Do you love me

as a friend, or in another way?



Another way, Billy.



You mean as a brother?



No, another way.



You mean as a cousin?



No, another way.



You mean as a pen pal?



My legs hurt. Aah!



DANNY: Aah! Aah!






ATTORNEY: Lieutenant Stevens...



you've been awarded

two purple hearts...



and a Congressional

Medal of Honor.



You saved the lives

of your entire unit.



However, your sergeant...



came across the following items

in your footlocker.



Will you kindly tell the court

if they are yours?



A letter to another soldier?



FATHER: Oh, no.



Yes, sir.



A photograph signed,

"Danny, San Francisco"?



Yes, sir.






Finally, an autographed copy

of "Beaches..."



starring Bette Midler?



Give that back!



Discharge, dishonorable!




They're kicking him out.



That's not fair.



I mean, he killed people.






Danny, I just don't know.

Did I do the right thing?



DANNY: Ask him.



BILLY: Well, Mr. President,

am I still a good American?



It's a statue, Billy.



Oh, Danny.



I love you.



Come on. Let's go home.















Oh, look. Here he is.



CLOSE: This is Cameron's

first nomination...



and he's in extremely

good company.



Tonight, he joins fellow

Best Actor nominees...



Paul Newman for "Coot..."



Clint Eastwood for "Codger..."



Michael Douglas

for "Primary Urges..."



and Steven Seagal

for "Snowball in Hell."



And the winner is...



Cameron Drake,

"To Serve and Protect."



Oh, my God!



Oh, my God!



BO YS: Doofus! Doofus!



Doofus! Doofus!



Doofus! Doofus! Doofus!



That's our boy.



Look at him.



Oh, my God!



Thank you.



Thank you. Uh...






Nice, man.






I'd like to thank

a great director...



an incredible cast...



my agent and my new agent...



but I'm just an actor

playing someone.



This really belongs to all

the gay soldiers and sailors...



and other guys and women

who defend this country...



to keep us free, but can't date.






So maybe I should thank

someone else.



Someone who's really been there.



Someone who taught me a lot

about poetry and Shakespeare...



and just, like, you know,

staying awake, man.



Someone who's just an overall

great guy and teacher.



To Howard Brackett

from Greenleaf, Indiana.



Oh, my God!



Oh, wow.



I can't believe it.



And he's gay.



CAMERON: I've been thinking

a lot about this night...



and I've decided to dedicate

this whole night...



to a great gay teacher.



CAMERON: Mr. Brackett, we won!



[Turns television off]












- Howard?

- Precious.



- What's he talking about?

- [Doorbell rings]



I have no idea!






Mom? Dad?



Is there something

you want to tell us?



Something about the wedding?



I'm not gay.



Ohh. Of course not.



EMILY: No! No, no.



FRANK: My son's not gay.



- No way!

- No how!



FRANK: No dice!



- No, ma'am.

- No, sir!



BERNIECE: But that boy on TV...



HOWARD: I don't know

what that was about.



I am outraged! I may sue!



EMILY: That's right.

That's a good idea.



FRANK: Get Johnnie Cochran,

not that woman.



HOWARD: Good idea.



Remember, he's been

in Hollywood a long time.



He may be under the influence

of something.



He may have joined a cult.



BERNIECE: Oh, my lord.



That little zombie.



His family was...

I hate to say this...



but when they lived here,

they were not active in the PTA.



He used to mow our lawn.

Never again.




we want you to know...



you're our son,

and we'll always love you...



gay, straight, red, green...



if you rob a bank,

if you kill someone.



If you get drunk, climb a tower,

and take out the town.




As long as you get married.



I need that wedding.



I need some beauty, music,

and place cards before I die.



It's like heroin.



Do you hear me?






Emily, can we give you a lift?






Will you be all right?



Of course.



I'm fine.



We're getting married.



I love you.



HOWARD: Good night.



[Telephone rings]






No, I'm not.



[Village People singing]

Hey, hey.



Hey, hey, hey.



Macho, macho man.



Macho man, yeah.



I've got to be...



a macho man.



I've got to be a...



[Girls giggling]



MAN: Let's go.



[Murmur of voices]



MAN: There he is! That's him!



CROWD: Howard! Howard!



Howard! Howard!



[Reporters shouting]



MAN: Do you have a boyfriend?



HOWARD: I am getting married!

I am not gay!



WOMAN: Do you know Ellen?



A teacher in trouble,

a town under siege...



a journey to the heartland.



Peter Malloy.



Stay tuned.



MAN: Howard!



WOMAN: Should gays be allowed

to handle fresh produce?



HOWARD: I don't care!

This is a classroom!






So, uh, where were we?



Romantic poetry. Shakespeare.



Talented, English, dead.



The sonnets.



"Shall I compare thee

to a summer's gay?



"Thou art more lovely

and more temperate...



"Rough winds do shake

the darling buds of May, and..."






Let's get it into the open.

What's on your mind?



MEREDITH: Is it... true?



Of course not!



I'm getting married

in three days!



MIKE: See? I knew it!

Told you.



HOWARD: All right, class.



JACK: Why did he say it on TV

in front of the whole world?




Were you incredibly embarrassed?



Did you want to stick

a grenade in your mouth?



HOWARD: Class, class.

I don't know why he said it.



I've been trying

to figure that out.



That's not why we're here today.



- Mr. Brackett.

- Mike?



MIKE: I've been thinking

about it all night.



Why would he say you were gay?

I got it figured out.



What have you got?



Look at you.



HOWARD: I beg your pardon?



MIKE: No offense,

but you're an English teacher.



VICKY: Exactly.



All this poetry and odes

and bonnets.






And you're kinda prissy.



HOWARD: Prissy?



MIKE: Not in a bad way.

I mean you're smart.



JACK: Well-dressed.



MEREDITH: And really clean.



MIKE: Doesn't look good.



Plus, you got the drama club,

and you ride that bicycle.



You've been engaged to

Miss Montgomery for three years.



HOWARD: What does that...



Think about it. You add it up,

of course he thinks you're gay!



Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Plus, he was in that movie...



so his brain is, like,

already going that way...



and then he remembers you...



and he goes, "Smart, clean,

totally decent human being...






[Reporters shouting]



MAN: Gays in the space program?



WOMAN: Lesbians on Mars?






Mr... Mr. Brackett.

Boys and girls.



Mr. Halliwell.



Howard, could, uh, could I...




Class, excuse me.




The school is surrounded.



There are TV cameras, reporters.



MIKE: See? They want pictures

of the gay guy!



[Class giggling]




I tried to reason with them.



I told them I was

the principal, and they...



they mocked me.



HOWARD: I'm sorry.




Could you talk to them?



HOWARD: Right away.



Class, page   .



HALLIWELL: Learn all you can.



- Mr. Brackett.

- Yes?



MIKE: Watch the hands.




Uh, good point.



WOMAN: Howard, are you gay?



CROWD: Howard! Howard, please!



ED: I'm sorry.

The jury's still out on this.



AVA: No way. He's been here

for how many years?



TRINA: Come on. I always knew.



AVA: I say bravo.

It's a blow for freedom.



ED: Good for Howard.

To quote Mr. Bob Dylan...



"How many roads

must a man walk down...



"before we call him a man?"



TRINA: Ed, don't. It's early.



CARL: Knew what?



ED: [Singing] And how many

seas must the white dove...



- Ed, please.

- Before she sleeps...



- Shut up, Ed!

- Trina.



We're talking about Howard.



CARL: Why are we

talking about Howard?



AVA: 'Cause he likes dick.



[Door opens]



EMILY: Good morning, everyone.

How are you?



- Hey! Terrific!

- Fabulous.



WOMAN: Is that Xerox

still on the fritz?



- How are you, sunshine?

- Oh, fine.



AVA: Oh, look at you.



CARL: Dick who?



MIKE: He's getting married

this week.



MIKE: He's getting married

this week.



JACK: See? He's not gay.

I told you.



MIKE: But think about it.

I mean, gay guys.



BO Y: I don't wanna

think about it.



MIKE: There's only two times

where it's OKto do gay stuff.



Two emergency situations.



JACK: What? Which situations?



MIKE: Prison, when it's

a substitute, or guys in space.



JACK: Guys in space?



MIKE: Not on purpose.



It just happens

because they're weightless...



and they float into each other

when they're asleep.



JACK: You're so lame.



MIKE: I know it's wrong.



It's against, like, nature.

Basic plumbing.



JACK: What?



MIKE: It's the human body.



It's divided up

into in-holes and out-holes.



Stuff is supposed to go in the

in-holes and out the out-holes.



But gay guys, they put stuff

in the out-holes.



BO Y: Wait.

So is your mouth an in-hole?



MIKE: Right. 'Cause you put

burgers in it and brew.



Unless you're sick, and puke.



Then it's an out-hole,

so it's wrong.



Guys, come on! Hustle!



You'll be late for class.

Let's go!



What's going on?



MIKE: Mr. Brackett,

could you, like, excuse us?






Mike's being a jerk.



MIKE: No. Just until

we're dressed and ready.



This has nothing to do

with the Oscars, does it?



MIKE: No. Come on.



What is it, then?



Before the Oscars,

it was different.



I mean, you weren't...



I wasn't what?






You guys.



PETER: Peter Malloy, network.



HOWARD: No, no, no.

No more interviews.



I have nothing to say.

I have no comments.



I have no thoughts

on gay marriage...



I didn't see "The Birdcage."

I'm having dinner.



PETER: Of course. I'm sorry.



HOWARD: You should be.

Why are you sitting?



You people. Have some decency.



You've been hounding me all day.

At my school, at my home.



You should be ashamed

of yourselves.



I am. Those leeches.



They have no right

to pry into your life.



They're sleazy.



I don't know.

I like that Barbara Walters.



Did Barbara call you?






PETER: Howard.



- Howard!

- No!



PETER: Oh, Howard.



HOWARD: Leave me alone,

you smut peddler!



You professional gossip!



PETER: Will you get real?






- Look at me.

- Why?



Sure, I look great,

but my ratings.



Everyone wants to talk to

Diane Sawyer or Joan Lunden.



My network's killing me.

They want me blond.



With your coloring?



All those reporters,

after today, they're gone.



They've got their story.

But I care.



I am doing a full week.



A week? You can't.



I have to. It's too good.



No. I have classes to teach.

I'm getting married.



- I'll be there.

- No.



- I'll kill you.

- But it's classic.



Sex, a small town,

and a movie star.



Why can't you see that?



"Howard Brackett: In and out."



My God.

You are pure television.



Stop it.



Good night.






WALTER: Guys, remember...



- I got that.

- Thanks.



WALTER: Don't say nothing about

the Oscars or Cameron Drake.



MAN: I think he's coming.



MAN: Shh. Shh.



He's here!



MEN: Yeah!



HOWARD: Yeah, baby!



Whoa! Are we gonna have

a bachelor party?



MEN: Yes!



- We gonna get down and dirty?

- Yes!



HOWARD: Disgustingly drunk?



MEN: Yeah!



WALTER: We've been working

on this for weeks.



We got all your favorite stuff,

everything you love!



HOWARD: Hit me!



WALTER: Here, Howard.



HOWARD: What are we

talking about, triple X?



Little Oral Annie? Traci Lords?



Lay some adult video on me.



ALDO: We got it... uncut.



WALTER: "Funny Girl"!



MEN: Yeah!



[Wild laughter]



"Funny Girl"?



ALDO: Yeah.



I don't believe this.

Barbra Streisand?



MAN: You had that

film festival last year.



- We watched all her movies.

- It was fun.




Guys, I'm truly offended.



Don't you see

this is precisely the reason...



why Cameron Drake

and half the civilized world...



think that I'm... you know.



MEN: No!



Oh, no!



ALDO: You're a guy's guy!



MAN: No, no.



HOWARD: I don't know

how this started...



but this is my goddamn

bachelor party...



and I am not going

to goddamn watch...



pardon my split infinitive...

"Funny Girl"!



- Me, neither. I hate that.

- Thank you.



- You got "A Star is Born"?

- Oh, sure.



HOWARD: "A Star is Born"?



MAN: She looks bad in it.



- "Yentl."

- "Yentl!"



MAN: I'd watch it again.



SECOND MAN: I love "Yentl"!



Yeah! "Papa, can you hear me?"




Produced and directed.



HOWARD: Dudes, hombres, guys!



Guys, I'm sorry.

I am truly offended.



I thought I knew you guys.

I thought you were studs.



I guess I thought wrong.



I'm out of here.



WALTER: Howard.



ALDO: Maybe he's right.

"Yentl" sucks.



MEN: Ooh. Uh-oh.



What did you say?



ALDO: It sucks. It's boring.



Say that again.



She was too old for "Yentl"!



[Everyone shouting]



[Applause on TV]



JAY LENO: I guess you heard...

Michael Jackson getting married.



He's made the perfect choice...

Howard Brackett.



Yes, Howard Brackett.



[Laughter and applause]



Peter Malloy with day two...



of "Howard Brackett:

Will there be a wedding?"



I'm with Aldo Hooper,

Howard's barber.



Stylist... razor cuts,

color, full blow dry.



That's very nice.



What do you think?

Will there be a wedding?



Howard is booked for Saturday.

A full styling. I say yes.



Emmett Wilson, who has just

delivered Howard's mail...



his intimate correspondence,

letters to a legend.



Anything we should know?



I can't reveal that.

I'm a postal employee.



Don't make him mad.



Of course he's getting married.



He's a man of his word.



Is this national?



You bet.



Please, use your full zip codes.



Greenleaf High,

cradle of crisis.



Howard's seniors...

youth in the crossfire.



Tell us in your own innocent

young words, is he gay?



JACK: Oh, no. He told us.

It was all this huge mistake.



MEREDITH: It happened 'cause he

likes poetry and uses a napkin.



VICKY: Unlike some people.



MIKE: What?



PETER: Teens in turmoil.

And your message to America?



BO YS: Greenleaf rules! Yeah!



PETER: Kids on the edge.

A community in chaos.



Indiana cries out.



Howard, can you hear?




uh, you got a minute?



Howard, uh...



your... your life,

I mean, since...



since the Oscars,

I can only imagine.



HOWARD: It's over now.

It's fine. It's just fine.



It's all ancient history.



We do have graduation

coming up Monday...



and you kind of put us right...

right in the spotlight.



I'm so sorry, Tom.



I'd be less than honest

if I didn't tell you...



that I've gotten some calls

from parents...



wondering if, in fact,

you were a ho... ho...



h-ho... h-ho...



Home room teacher?






Tom, do I look like

a homosexual?



Would you walk for me?



Excuse me.



Uh, Howard?






Do you enjoy teaching?



No, I don't enjoy it.



You don't?



No, I love it. It's my life.



HALLIWELL: Then you'd miss it?



Are you threatening me?



No, no.



I'm... l'm your friend.



Friends don't threaten.



No, they don't.



Friends warn.



And you, uh...



you are getting married,

aren't you?



But are you saying...



that if I weren't getting

married, I'd be fired?



- That's not an issue, is it?

- No.



Best wishes.






PRIEST: Bless you.



Thank you.



Would you like to tell me

your sins?



Yes. Yes.



First of all, I'm not Catholic.



Then why are you here?



I have a friend who's Catholic,

and he's busy.



Aren't you helpful?



What are his, you know, sins?

Your friend's?



He's a plumber,

and he's about to be married.



He's been engaged

for three years.



Caution is a virtue.



Yeah, but everyone's...



Everyone's saying something

about him that isn't true.



It's not a bad thing,

but he isn't that thing.



Which thing are people

saying about him?



That, um...




That he's gay.



That he's what?



That he's gay.



Oh! Oh, my.






Oh, my, my.



That's rather like that fellow

on the Oscars.



That, uh, Howard Brackett...

from over at Greenleaf.



It's not him.

It's a different guy.



What does he want?



He wants to know

what he should do.



What is the right thing?

He needs to know...



His mother's planning

this huge wedding...



with the whole town,

and it's her whole life.



It's gonna be beautiful...



but he doesn't want

to leave this town.



He has this wonderful fiancée

who's sweet and thin and...



he just has never had a physical

relationship with her.



Never? In three years?



He respects her.



- He's gay.

- No, he's not.



- Yes, he is.

- No, he can't... no.



Then he must go to her.



He's got to find out.



He must be, you know,

be with her. Huh?



- Really?

- Mm-hmm.



Before the wedding?



Godspeed, my son.



WOMAN ON TV: [Singing]

Let's do Michael.



PEOPLE: Michael, Michael,

bo bichael...



banana fana fo fichael...



fee fi mo Michael.






WOMAN: Ha ha ha!



PEOPLE: Donna, Donna, bo bonna,

banana fana...



[Pounding at door]






[Turns TV off]



HOWARD: Emily! Emily!



- Howard.

- Emily.



EMILY: Howard.



Howard. Howard.



HOWARD: We're getting married.

We are.



EMILY: Of course we're...

I'm glad we're getting married.



[Moaning loudly]






Ha! Who's gay, huh?












[Emily whimpers]



Howard, what is all this?



I'm sorry.

I'm under a lot of pressure.



Could you turn him off?!



Howard. Howard, I love you.

I'm not worried.



HOWARD: You don't understand.



EMILY: Of course I do.



Look at your life.



The Oscars, the press.



It's no wonder

you're going crazy.



- It doesn't matter.

- Why not?



Because I love you,

and we're getting married.



You still want that, Howard,

don't you?



That's why I transformed myself,

isn't it?



You want me to eat again?



- No!

- I can, Howard!



I'm very fragile!



I love you.






[Horn honks]






Oh, my God! Howard!



Howard, you OK?



No. No, I'm not OK.



I've never been so not OK

in my life.



I tried to stop.



One week ago, I was fine.



I was perfect.



I want my life back!



That is not going to happen.



Your life has changed.



But why? Why is this happening?



I haven't changed.



One little word,

and everybody changes.



I'm still the same person.

Why doesn't anyone believe me?



This town is crazy about you.

I've talked to everyone.



Stop! That's the problem!

It's you!



You're trying to turn me

into a story...



into something juicy

for your show!



I am not a sound byte!



I'm... look, I'm... ohh.



I'm hurting the people

I care about.



My students, my family, Emily.



I love Emily!



Then think about

what you're doing to her.



Oh, will you...

you're like talking to...



Why am I talking to you?



You couldn't possibly understand

what this is like!



Howard, I'm gay.



You're what?



I'm gay. I came out.



To whom?



Who? To everyone.



My folks, my boss, my dog.



One day, I just snapped.



I got tired

of switching pronouns...



and lowering my voice...



and I couldn't take lying

to the people that I love.



Does that sound familiar?



[Lowers voice] No.



So I just said,

"Mom, Dad, Sparky, I'm gay."



What happened?



My mom cried

for exactly    seconds.



My boss said, "Who cares?"



And my dad said,

"But you're so tall."



Everyone surprised me

once I let them...



once I trusted them.



Sometimes the worst thing

you think can happen...



turns out to be the best thing.



For you.



For anyone.



But I'm not gay!



What was Streisand's

eighth album?



- "Color me, Barbra."

- Stud.



Everyone knows that!



Everyone where? The Little

Gay Bar on the Prairie?



Know what you need?



I need a wedding! I...






HOWARD: You... you...



You kissed me.



You noticed.



This is not Los Angeles.



People don't kiss here?



Not at an intersection!



[Horn honks]



BERNIECE: Oh, stop.



Oh, hello, sweetheart!



Mom! Dad! Hi.



Look, it's the cake.



Yeah, well...



FRANK: Everything OKthere?




This is my Peter... friend Peter.



We ran into each other

at the intersexual...



homosection... intersection.



I gotta go.



It's that fella from TV.



Thank you.



If you're Howard's buddy,

I hope you come to the wedding.



The wedding.



That's right.



Sunday morning,  :   a.m.



Gotta go prepare myself.



It's formal, you know?



[Door slams]



[Dramatic brass

introductory theme]




Welcome to our series...



on exploring your masculinity.



This is audio tape number one...

"Getting a Grip."



[Music ends]



Are you dressed

in suitably masculine attire?






- Are you in control?

- Yes.



ANNOUNCER: Are you ready

to take charge?



Are you a man?






ANNOUNCER: Stand up.



Stand straight and tall.



Excuse me,

are we a little teapot?



Untuck your shirt.



Just one side.







You hate this, don't you?



HOWARD: Look at it!



ANNOUNCER: You want to be neat.

You want to be tidy.



Adjust yourself.



Not there.



The package, sissy man.



The family jewels.



Grab 'em.






- You're in a barroom.

- OK.



ANNOUNCER: Repeat after me.



- "Yo."

- Yo!



- "Hot damn."

- Hot damn!



ANNOUNCER: "What a fabulous

window treatment."



- What a fabulous...

- That was a trick.



HOWARD: Oh! Damn!



ANNOUNCER: We've come

to the most critical area...



of masculine behavior.









WOMAN: [Singing]

First I was afraid...



I was petrified.



HOWARD: Dancing.



ANNOUNCER: Truly manly men

do not dance.



HOWARD: Oh, come on!




Under any circumstances.



This will be your ultimate test.



At all costs avoid rhythm,

grace, and pleasure.



Whatever you do, do not dance.



[Song speeds up

with disco beat]



HOWARD: I won't!



ANNOUNCER: Can you hear it?







Can you hear the demon?



"Dance," the demon whispers.



Everyone else is dancing.



They're getting down.



They're getting funky now.



They're having fun!



- Not you!

- No.



ANNOUNCER: Catch the fever.



Feel the heat of the disco beat.



It's calling to you.

Do not listen!



Men do not dance.



They work, they drink,

they have bad backs.



They do not dance.



Hold still. Hold tight.



Whatever you do,

do not dance!



WOMAN: [Singing] Hey, hey.



I... I will survive...



ANNOUNCER: What are you doing?!



Stop dancing, you big ballerina!



Stop waving those hands!



ANNOUNCER: Aren't you

listening, you pantywaist?



Stop it!

Stop shaking that booty!



Be a man!



Kick someone!

Punch someone!



Bite someone's ear!



WOMAN: [Singing]

...hold my head up high...




Get a grip!



Think about John Wayne.



Arnold Schwarzenegger.



Arnold doesn't dance!

He can barely walk.



Stop it! Stop it!



Just stop dancing!



[Music stops abruptly]



So how did you do, pussy boy?



[Church bells ringing]



[Organ music playing]



EMILY: Is my veil crooked?



BERNIECE: It's perfect.



You're everything

I've ever dreamed of...



for a wedding and more.



- Do you have an attorney?

- Hush.



You're radiant, dear.



I just can't believe it.



It's really happening.



My life.



After all those years,

it's starting.



My mom says it won't last.



Your mom is an alcoholic.



That's terrible.

That's terrible!



FRANK: Need some help?



HOWARD: No, I'm fine.



The dry cleaners left a shine

on my trousers...



my right lapel is bent...



and there's not enough starch

in my shirt front.



Where are we, the Ukraine?



How can I get married

looking like a hobo?



FRANK: Howard.



HOWARD: I'm coming, Dad.

One minute.



[Murmur of voices]



WOMAN: Oh, there he is.






[Playing The Wedding March]




What a joyous morning.



What a perfect day.



What a gloriously splendid








Dearly, dearly beloved...



we are gathered here

to join this wonderful couple...



in holiest matrimony

before the eyes of God.



Before we begin the vows...



is there anyone present

who knows of a reason...



why this couple should not

be joined in holy wedlock?






Very good.



Because let us remember...



a marriage is truly

a blessed event.



It must be a union

based on deepest love...



total kinship,

and absolute honesty.



Let us begin.



Do you, Emily, take this man...



to be your lawfully

wedded husband...



to have and to hold

till death do you part?



I do.






MINISTER: And do you, Howard,

take this woman...



to be your lawfully

wedded wife...



to have and to hold

till death do you part?



I'm gay.









I'm... l'm gay.



- You're what?

- He's gay.



I heard him!



Uh... everyone, everyone.



What Howard meant to say was,

he's having a wonderful day.









I'm gay.



Oh. Whoa.






EMILY:    pounds...

I lost    pounds.



I'm horrible, and you have

every right to hate me.



You should hate me.



I want you to.

I insist that you hate me!



I'm scum, I'm garbage,

I'm vermin...



and I'm sorry.



You're sorry?



You're sorry?



After I... I...



wait for you for...







Not just three years...



my entire life!



After I plan my future

around our wedding?



After I base my entire concept

of self-esteem...



on the fact

that you're willing to marry me?



And you're sorry?



HOWARD: I'm sorry.



Thank God my parents are dead!



This would've killed them!



Are you...



Are you really gay?









Was... there... oh...



any other time

you might've told me this?!



I'm wearing a wedding dress

which you picked out!



I highlighted my hair because

you said I needed shimmer!



I loved you and believed you...



and pretended not to notice

the Streisand thing.



I thought you were

just creative.



I thought you were

just smarter than me...



and more sensitive

and more interesting.



I thought you were the most

wonderful man who ever lived.



I thought you could

change my life...



and show me the whole world...



and teach me about art

and life and magic.



I thought you could...



make me feel

like a beautiful woman...



instead of the girl

nobody wanted.



Oh, no.






But... but...



Emily. Emily.



Does anybody here know...



how many times I've had

to watch "Funny Lady"?



It was a sequel.

She was under contract.



Fuck Barbra Streisand!



And you!






HOWARD: Emily!



Emily. Emily.



PETER: Howard, you did it!



I'm so proud of you.







I just destroyed Emily's life!



I killed her!



You saved her life.






I don't believe it. I...



I just came out at my wedding!



In front of everybody!



My family, my friends,

my mom, my dad...



Look at my hand.



PETER: It was fantastic!



HOWARD: It was a nightmare!



I... I... I... I...



I just demolished

my mother's dream wedding!



I'm... I'm... I'm a monster!

I'm... I'm a lunatic.



PETER: You're a hero,

and I've got great footage!



I got the whole thing!



HOWARD: Is this about footage?



I'll give you your headline.



Howard Brackett is a big homo,

queer, Mary, sissy man.



He just came out

at his big church wedding!



Martha Stewart is furious!



There. Is that what you want?



That was great stuff.









CAMERON: No. Tell him I really

appreciate the offer...



but I just don't think

I'm right for it.



This is Peter Malloy

for Inside Entertainment.



I'm at Greenleaf's

First Methodist Church...



where Howard Brackett has

boldly declared, "I don't."



SONYA: Cam! Come look at this!



PETER: Brackett, outted by

Cameron Drake at the Oscars...



today, to the amazement

of family and friends...



outted himself

at his own wedding.



You can imagine the fireworks.



He's been besieged by the media,

his job may be in jeopardy...



and as for his fiancée...



fellow English teacher

Emily Montgomery...



well, who knows?



CAMERON: Miss Montgomery?



PETER: The real question is,

where is Cameron Drake?



This is Peter Malloy

for Inside Entertainment.



CAMERON: We got to leave.



- Cam?

- We got to go.



Go where?



CAMERON: Greenleaf...

because of what I said.



I got to see what's going on

and do something.



But I promised Isaac

I'd do his show.



The new collection

is this afternoon.



I have to shower and vomit.



MIKE: Man! At his wedding.



VICKY: Poor Miss Montgomery.



JACK: I guess Mr. Brackett's

really like Cameron said.



MIKE: Uh, duh.

And you hung out with him.



He drove you

to that college interview.



Didn't you, like,

stay over somewhere?



But nothing happened.



I don't even know the guy...

not anymore.



MEREDITH: Excuse me.

You don't know the guy?



He got you into college.



Just last week,

he was your total hero.



That was last week.



Guys, we had a gay teacher

all year.



We have to face that...

and move on with our lives.




What are you talking about?




Kids, how was the wedding?



ALL: Fine!



BERNIECE: I can understand

about Howard being gay...



but I will never understand...



as long as I live,

as God is my witness...



how could he not want a wedding?



Oh, sweetie,

it's not your fault.



You have two boys.



You fed them, raised them,

and loved them the same.



And one of them is gay.



- And the other one is...

- Walter.



Howard was just being honest...



clearing the air

before he made a real mess.



What's wrong with that?



What are we so afraid of?



What do we think will happen

if we all just spill the beans?



Oh... I don't know.



All right... l'll start.



My Rice Krispie treats

that I made for the reception...



they're not my recipe.



It's Harriet Carter's.



After she died from

that massive embolism...



a lie was born.



These are a dead woman's treats.






Oh, my.



All right.



I'll say it right out loud.



I hated "The Bridges

of Madison County."



My husband has three testicles.






It's disgusting.









[Women laugh]



Oh! I love this.















Are you still gay?






Are you going to have

an operation?



Excuse me?



Will you be going

into show business?









I'm making an effort here.



I know, Dad.



I'm a farmer.



Your mother asked me to come.

She's worried about you.



She's afraid you're not eating.



She sent you this.



- What is it?

- Wedding cake.



She's diabolical.



She's insane.



Will, uh, we be seeing you

at the graduation tomorrow?



I got a call after the wedding...

or after there was no wedding.



They fired me.



You taught those kids.



If you're not there,

what are they going to think?



I don't know.






That Barbra Streisand...

did she do something to you?






[Closes door]



CAMERON: Thank you.









Cameron, where are we?



I told you. It's a motel.




You don't seem to realize.



I am a supermodel.



I am Sonya!



And I'm in a motel

in Greenblatt?




This is where I grew up.



I don't care!




we're here to help someone.



For once, we're gonna

think about something...



besides our careers

and our hair.



We're helping Mr. Brackett,

if I can find him.









Where are you going?






You can't leave me here.



There's a diner down the block.



Eat something. I'm begging you.



You look like a swizzle stick.



It's unhealthy.






I'm warning you.

I'm calling my agency.






[Tires squeal]



Can I get a drink?






What kind?



Let's see. What kind? Uh...



Is vodka OK?



That's right. Straight up.



And, uh, some peanuts.

Lots of them.



I don't care about anything




What else have you

got back there?



I just want to eat.



I just want to gorge.



Hey, thanks.



You're from TV.






You're that guy.



What are you doing here?



Well... I am getting drunk.



I had a bad day...

a very, very bad day.



Excuse me?



You win.



I hate men.



[Emily crying]



Am I so repulsive

that no man would want me?






You're very attractive.



Howard didn't think so.



Howard didn't want me.



PETER: Listen to me.



This is Howard's problem,

not yours.



He should've told you.



Years ago.






I love you.



You're nice.



I'm not nice.



I'm a hack.



I'm show business garbage.



Will you sleep with me?






Three years!



Oh, my God.



Three years of sunsets,

long talks...



and loving support

and friendship!







This is my wedding night!



I'm there! I'm ready!



This is a medical condition!



Gee, thank you,

but, uh, I can't.



You married? Seeing someone?

I don't care!



- No, I...

- You're a man!



I'm a woman!



I'm gay.



EMILY: Is everybody gay?!



Is this The Twilight Zone?!



Ohh! Oh, hey!



Oh! Oh, hi!



Hi! Will you marry me?



I have the dress,

the plane tickets!



I'm packed!






Stop! Please!



Stop! You have to stop!



It's an emergency!



I need a heterosexual, code red!



[Horn honks]






[Emily crying]



Miss, are you OK?



CAMERON: Do you need help?



EMILY: No, no, no!

I'm just beyond help!



I'm just a grinch!



I'm a jinx!






Miss... Miss Montgomery?






Oh, my God.






What happened to you?






Well, everything! I...



You won the Oscar,

and you said Howard was gay...



and I didn't believe you,

and I had no self-esteem!



CAMERON: No, I... I mean your...



Your body. What happened?



What happened?



Well... I was fat!



And I swore I'd become

someone else!



Then I did, and now

I'm more miserable than ever.



And I'm a mess,

and I'm starving!



But why?



Why did you want to change?



You were so beautiful.



I was?



I mean, you still are.



You always were.



It's just skinny girls

can be so annoying sometimes.



I mean, but you're not.



You're just like I remember you

from after school.



You remember?



"But soft, what light

through yonder window breaks?



"It is the east,

and Juliet is the sun."






"How camest thou hither?



"Tell me..."



"And wherefore?"



"With love's light wings

did I o'er perch these walls..."



"For stony limits

cannot hold love in."






"Cannot hold love out."



[Patsy Cline's "Crazy"

playing in bar]



PATSY CLINE: [Singing] Crazy.




I can't. You're a student.



CAMERON: Not anymore.



PATSY CLINE: so lonely.



PATSY CLINE: I'm crazy.




Crazy for feelin'...



so blue.




I've seen all your movies.



CAMERON: Both of them?



PATSY CLINE: you'd love me

as long as you wanted.



GIRL: Kim, Karen, wait up!






BO Y: Let's go, it's starting!



GIRL: Is my cap on straight?



Hey, Jack.



Hey... Mr. Brackett.



Big day.






I can't believe it.






Yeah, thanks.



BO Y: Jack!

Come on, we're late!



JACK: Good luck next year.



You, too.



Indiana State

is lucky to have you.



[Singing] Hail to thee...



O Greenleaf High.



'Neath the Indiana sky.



Through thy halls...



we spent our youth.



Seeking knowledge...



learning truth.



Like a friend...



who walks beside us...



Greenleaf High...



will always guide us.



We will love thee...



till we die.



Hail to thee...



O Greenleaf High.







That song always, uh...



reminds me of our...

our school motto...





















Before we hand out diplomas,

I have an announcement.



We've, uh...



[Crowd murmurs]



Well, we've, uh...



we've had quite a year,

haven't we?



But let's begin our ceremony

on a high note.



We're awfully proud, of course,

of our Oscar-winning graduate...



but today, we have, uh...



another winner, if you will.



That's right.

Our teacher of the year.



And, uh, what do they say?



May I have the envelope, please?



[Drum roll]




The, uh... the winner is...



I get so nervous here.



Can you hear my heart beating?



HALLIWELL: Seriously, though,

ladies and gentlemen...



our brand-new

teacher of the year...



Edward Kenrow.



ED: No.



[Ed laughs]



ED: This is such a surprise.






ED: Thank you, Tom.






what is the definition

of a Hoosier? Well...



CAMERON: Uh, Mr. Kenrow?



ED: Excuse me?



CAMERON: Mr. Kenrow, I guess

I'm a recent Greenleaf graduate.



VICKY: It's Cameron Drake!



[Girls screaming]



GIRL: Cameron!



It's Cameron!



CAMERON: Please, please.



HALLIWELL: People! Can we

have a little respect here?



We have our teacher...

our teacher of the year.



[Crowd cheering wildly]




Guys, please, please.






Man, I am...



I'm really sorry to interrupt

graduation and everything.



I was looking for Mr. Brackett.



Hey, Mr. Brackett.



HOWARD: Uh, Cameron.



CAMERON: Weren't you up

for teacher of the year?



ED: No. Uh, withdrawn. Tom.



HALLIWELL: Uh, ineligible.



Mr. Brackett

is no longer an employee here.






Oh, why? What happened?



AVA: He resigned... sadly.



It's fine. It's over and done.

Today belongs to the students.



HALLIWELL: This is for

the kids, for the youngsters.



MIKE: They canned him?



CAMERON: Is this about

the Oscars and the gay thing?



ED: No.



No. No, no, no.



CAMERON: Then what is it?



HALLIWELL: We... we felt...



The... the community, uh,

felt that it was...



it was a question of...

of, uh...







I'm sorry. I'm a little slow.



I was a C student,

and now I'm an actor, so...







it's all right to be...



uh, this way or that way

at home...



in... in your...

in your private area...



arena... arena...



but, uh, Mr. Bracket,

after all, is... was...



uh, a teacher.



CAMERON: Oh, I see.



So you're thinking

about the students?



Yes, that's... that's what...

that's what this is all about.



Oh, OK, so... All right, so, um...

Stay with me here.



So what you're saying is

since Mr. Brackett's gay...



that he's going to send out

some kind of voodoo vibes...



or gay microwaves

and make everybody else gay?




In a crude manner of speaking.



CAMERON: Well, seniors,

you've all had Mr. Brackett.



Is that the way it works?



HALLIWELL: Kids, you don't have

to answer that question.



AVA: It's an inappropriate

forum to discuss this.



HALLIWELL: This is still

a graduation ceremony.



ED: May I please finish

my acceptance speech?






what is the definition

of a Hoosier?



Well, way back in...



JACK: Excuse me, I'm gay!



HALLIWELL: Who said that?






I had Mr. Brackett

for senior English.



He taught me Shakespeare.



He was my track coach...



and he also helped me

get into college.



I just realized that what

Mr. Halliwell said is right.



It must've rubbed off.



I'm gay.



[Crowd murmurs]



ED: This is exactly my point...

a young life corrupted.



Thank you. Very brave.






Oh, my God! Oh, my God!



- Young lady?

- It's happening.



I had Mr. Brackett all year,




Oh, my God, I'm gay!



Excuse me?



If there's something wrong

with Mr. Brackett or Jack...



then there's something wrong

with me. I'm gay.



VICKY: So am I.



ED: She is not!



AVA: I know you're not.

You're a tramp.



[Crowd murmurs]



VICKY: Mike! Michael.



MIKE: Oh, man.



JACK: Stirgo.



MIKE: All right. I'm gay.

I'm a homo. I like guys.



I still do it with chicks

every chance I get...



and I'm totally good at it...



but I hate it, and I'm gay.



HALLIWELL: Kids, kids, kids,

please, please, sit down.



We're here to graduate.



I'm sure Mr. Brackett

is gratified by your display.



Compassion is a wonderful

quality, however misguided.



But as Howard very well knows,

the decision is not yours.



It is a gonad thing.






A grown-up thing.



I have to answer

to the community...



and as far as the community

is concerned...



toward Howard Brackett,

they have said, "No, no, no."



HALLIWELL: Please sit down,

and let's pass out diplomas.



Well, I'm a...



I'm a member of the community...



and I don't mind

that Howard's gay.




But you're his brother.



As... as you know.



So you know what that means?



Uh-oh. I must be gay.



HALLIWELL: But you're not

a parent, are you?



FRANK: Excuse me, I'm a parent.



FRANK: I've lived in this town

all my life.



I'm Howard's father.



And I'm gay!



BERNIECE: I'm Howard's mother,

and I'm very proud of him...



and I'm... I'm a lesbian.



WOMAN: Excuse me.



Hi. I run the Bridal Barn

for Better Brides...



and I can tell you

Howard has perfect taste.



So do I, so, I'm gay.



I'm Howard's stylist,

and I'm gay...



and I'm bald.



I deliver Howard's mail

and everybody else's.



I'm a federal employee,

and I'm gay!



Fire Chief Fred Mooney

and the volunteer fire brigade.



Howard has always been ready

to lend a hand.






PEOPLE: I'm gay.



I'm gay! I'm gay!



I'm gay! I'm gay!



I'm gay! I'm gay!



I'm gay! I'm gay!



I'm gay! I'm gay!



I'm gay! I'm gay!



PETER: I'm gay.



But he's not

the teacher of the year!



I am,

and this belongs to me!



CAMERON: Maybe Mr. Brackett

deserves something else.






[Band plays "People"]



PETER: You ready?



HOWARD: Nearly.



Oh, very snappy. Nervous?



No. Why should I be nervous?



It's a wedding.

I want everything to be perfect.



It will be.



Is your cameraman here?



No, not today.

I'm not filming this.



There are some things

more important than show biz.



Really. Like what?



I don't know,

but didn't that sound good?



WALTER: Guys, we're starting.



Preacher's waiting.




What a truly special occasion.



What a joyous ceremony.



What an unusual couple.



Berniece, after    years...



do you still take Frank to be

your lawfully wedded husband?



I do.



And do you, Frank, take Berniece

to be your lawfully wedded wife?



I'd better.



I now pronounce

your vows renewed...



for another    years.



You may kiss the bride.







Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!




Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!



Macho, macho man.



Macho man, yeah.



I've got to be a macho man.



I've got to be a...



Macho, macho man, yeah.



I've got to be a macho.



I've got to be a macho.






Macho, macho man, yeah.



I've got to be a macho man.



Macho, macho man.



Hey, hey.



I've got to be a macho.






It's so hot.



It's so hot. My body, baby.



Love to pump.



Love to pump my body.



Love to please my body.



Don't you tease my body.



You can tell a macho.



He has a funky walk.



His western shirts

and leather...



always look so boss.



Funky with his body.



He's a king.



Call him Mr. Ego.



Dig his chains.



You can best believe

that he's a macho man.



He likes to be the leader.



He never dresses grand.



Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!



Macho, macho man.



Macho man, yeah.



I've got to be a macho man.



I've got to be a...



Macho, macho man.



I've got to be a macho.



All right, body.



It's so hot, my body.



Love to pump my body.



Yeah, yeah,

love to please my body.



Don't you tease my body, body.



Yeah, you'll adore my body,




Come explore my body.



You can tell a macho.



He has a funky walk.



His western shirts

and leather...



always look so boss.



Funky with his body.



He's a king.



Call him Mr. Ego.



Dig his chains.



You can best believe

that he's a macho man.



He likes to be the leader.



He never dresses grand.



Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!



Macho, macho man.



Macho man, yeah.



I've got to be a macho man.



I've got to be a...



Macho, macho man.



I've got to be a macho.



Macho, macho man.



I've got to be a macho man.



I've got to be a...



Macho, macho man.



Mucho, macho, macho man.



I've got to be a macho.



Macho, macho man.



DIANA ROSS: [Singing]

Hey, hey.



I... I will survive.



I... I will survive.



Oh, yeah.



Yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah.



It took all the strength I had

not to fall apart.



Just trying hard to mend

the pieces of my broken heart.



And I spent, oh, so many nights

just feeling sorry for myself.



I used to cry,

but now I hold my head up high.



And you see me...



somebody new.



I'm not that chained up little

person still in love with you.



And so you felt

like dropping in...



and just expect me to be free...



but now I'm saving

all my lovin'...



for someone who's lovin' me.



Go on, now, go.



Walk out the door.



Just turn around now.



You're not welcome anymore.



Weren't you the one who tried

to break me with good-bye?



Did you think I'd crumble?



Did you think

I'd lay down and die?



No, not I.



I will survive.



As long as I know how to love,

I know I'll stay alive.



I've got all my life to live,

I've got all my love to give.



I'll survive.



I will survive.






Go, now, go.



Walk out the door.



Just turn around now...



'cause you're not welcome




Weren't you the one who tried

to break me with good-bye?



Did you think I'd crumble?



Did you think

I'd lay down and die?



Oh, no, not I.



I will survive.



As long as I know how to love,

I know I'll stay alive.



I've got all my life to live,

I've got all my love to give.



I'll survive.



I will survive.



I will survive.



I will survive.






I... I will survive.



I'll be there.



I... I will survive.



Yeah, yeah.



I... l... l...

I... l... l...



Oh, yeah...



I... I will survive.






I... I will survive.



I'm dancin' all night.



I... I will survive.



I... l... l... l...

I... l... l... l...



I... l've got

all my love to give.



I... I will survive.



I've got all my life to live.



I... I will survive.



My lovin' is not in vain.



I... l... l... l...

I... l... l... l...



I... I will survive...



I will survive.



I... I will survive...



I will survive.



I... I will survive.

Special help by SergeiK