John Tucker Must Die Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the John Tucker Must Die script is here for all you fans of the Jesse Metcalfe movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some John Tucker Must Die quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

John Tucker Must Die Script

I was in seventh grade...

when I realized
I was invisible,

Well, not that kind of invisible,

No, it was more like I was
just,you know, kind of,.,

Anonymous, A-N-O-N-



I'm sorry, That's wrong,

W-O-R-N-G, Wrong,

It's not that I didn't try,

I mean, I was always a real...


L-O-S-E-R, Loser,

Homework for tomorrow...

Of course,
when it came to love...

Pass it on,

Yeah, That sucked,

S-U-C-K-E-D, Sucked,

There was another thing
working against me,


Hey, I'm Justin,
I live just next door...

and, uh, my mom sent me over...

with these brownies
or something,

Oh, hi, I'm Kate,
W-We just moved here,

I mean, duh- the boxes
and everything...

Holy jama lama,

That other thing is... my mom,

Hi, I'm Lori,

Um... I made these for you,

Be careful; you're hot,
I mean...

they're hot,

So hot,

She's never had any trouble
landing men,

She's just had trouble keeping them,

I used to keep track,
but I found it exhausting,

So, I just call 'em all... Skip,

Hi, Kate,

I'm going... to be...
your new... father,

Maybe we shouldn't...

get ahead
of ourselves now, Skip,

It's, uh, it's Steve, kiddo,

Why do you keep calling me Skip?

Because, eventually...

that's what they all do,

It's happened so many times
that my mom's developed...

a very mature reaction,

A quick therapy session...
or two... or three...

and then we pack up the car
and flee to another town,

Okay, maybe being invisible
does have its advantages,

Excuse me!

Because, moving all the time...

I never had to deal with the
whole ''awkward good-bye''thing,

All right, guys, here we go,

I'm open!

here's me,

It wasn't easy,
but in just a few short months...

I went from
''sort of unknown''to...

Are you a narc?

But enough about me,

This story isn't even about me,

It's about him,

John Tucker,

Let's face it, He is the man,

Captain of the basketball team,
his family's loaded...

and he looks somewhere
between an Abercrombie model...

and a Greek god,


Let's go,John!
Kill the Bobcats!

Not real bobcats,
I mean, they're endangered,

This is Carrie Schaefer,

It's no question who's taking
the Kodiaks to State this year,

John Tucker here,
also known as ''Tuck''...

- ''T-Man,'' ''T-Dog...''
- T-Dog!

...some people
call me ''T-Money''...

but I'm best known
as ''El Capitan,''

Ho-ho, Heather!


Shake it, baby!

Short skirts equals talent, Yay,

Heather's hot!

Go, Kodiaks!

Go Kodiaks!

Hey, Table six,

I remember the first time...

I spoke toJohn Tucker,

It's not like he blew me away
or anything,

I mean,
I was totally in control,

- Hi,
- Yes,

I mean... no,

I-I mean, y...

I'm... not quite ready to order,


Please tell me
I did notjust curtsy,

What was I thinking?

Of course a guy like that
already has a girlfriend,

That's Carrie Shaeffer,

Runs the school TVstation...

not to mention
the Honor Society...

Junior Achievers, 4-H Club...

Future Filmmakers of America,
Big Sisters...

Adopt-A-Shut-In, and...
I think that's it,

I've decided to write
a children's book,

Oh, and she's writing
a children's book,

Mm! You are so sexy
when you speak French,


Uh, do you guys...
want a minute?

Whoa, scratch that,

He's got two girlfriends,

That one's Heather,
head cheerleader,

Sort of self-explanatory,

And Molly's all...

''Why don't
we 'Stomp, Fight, Roar?'''

''Stomp, Fight, Roar?''

I know!

I mean, at halftime?
What a dud,

Two green salads,
dressing on the side,

Salmon for her,
Lobster for me,

I love when you do that,

I love doing that,

I love that you love
that I love you doing that,

And... no need to rush
between courses,

That top...
looks so hot on you,

I bet it's even hotter
off of you,

Never been here before, babe...

so I hope they have
good vegetarian,

Okay, stop it already,

Three girlfriends?

JOHN:Oh, no! Veal?

I'm sorry,
Let's just go,

You know, if I wanted
to torture animals...

I'd go to a medical lab,



I would never do, 'cause
they... torture animals,

Okay, I'm not passing judgment...

but, for whatever reason...

being a vegan teen activist
is usually code for ''easy, ''

You know, for you, I don't have
to give up all meat,

See? I'm not making
this stuff up,

I don't get it,

I mean, these girls all
seem so confident and cool,

How do they not know...

thatJohn's cheating
on all of them?

He's a total operator,

He goes out with girls
from different cliques...

so that they never
actually talk to each other,

And then he
tells them that his father...

won't let him date
during basketball season...

so they'll have
to keep it a secret,

How'd you learn all this stuff?

I don't know,Just a guess,

- Hey, there he is,
- Yo, bro,

- He did?
- Yeah, totally,

Hold on, one second,

Hey, Yeah, actually...

What's up, fellas?

What's up, man?

Yo, Tuck!

Agua, please?
And some popcorn,

What's up, girl?


Lookin' good,




You got something sweet for me?

Of course,

I don't know,

John was confident...

in his system forjuggling girls...

but even he couldn't anticipate
the events of Black Tuesday,

Oh, my gosh!

Coach Claypoole!
Are you all right?

How was he to know...

Coach Claypoole had acute angina?

It wasn'tJohn's fault,

It was a pre-existing condition,
and she stabilized...

and took early retirement
in Sun City, Florida,

John Tucker,

Anyway, the point is...

Coach Claypoole is
in the hospital...

so we're combining
all first period gym classes,

Yeah, yeah, I know,
We all hate each other,

No, we hate you,

Okay,Jennifer, Alison, Molly...

Sarah, Denise and Kimmi, this side!

My name is Lucretia!

On this side, I want Beth,
Carrie, Heather and...


I'm Kate, Kate,

All right, ladies...
let's play ball!

You're Heather, right?
I'm Kate,


You weren't at the party last night,
Where were you?

Well, this is totally on the DL,
I mean, not fit to print,

I'm dating...John Tucker,


Sorry, It slipped,

Okay, All right, I'm fine,

Okay, everybody, Let's play,

You know what?

That was no accident!

He's mine!
Stay away from him!

Oh, you little brat!

Oh! Girls! Peace and love!
Come on!

No guy is worth fighting over!

There's nothing to fight about!

John Tucker's mine!


What the hell is your problem?

I am dating John Tucker,


She knocked her out,

Let's get back in the game,

I said, ''Enough!''
Stop it, Beth,

Darn it, Coach,
Let me at her!

-Just let me get them!
- Put those balls down!

Put those balls down!
Put down those balls!

Just stop!

This guy is cheating on all of you...

and instead of taking it out on him...

you're beating the shit
out of each other?!


You, you, you and you!


Who is that?

I don't know,
Pam... something,


Sorry, it's, uh...

Cheap Trick, I understand,

Yeah, Yeah, it is,

Yeah, you can't really hum
to Cheap Trick,

No, once you've started...

you're kind of obligated to...
to belt it out,


I'm Scott,

You're from...
Chemistry, right?

Yeah, Yeah, I'm-I'm Kate,

So, um, where is everybody?


You-You came early
to detention?

Oh, um, well, it's, you know...

I would hate
to m-m-miss a minute...

of being... detained,

Hey, babe,


I had a great time with
these two on the beach,


Oh, Wow,

That's not, uh, usually
the reaction he gets from girls,

It's generally more like a...

Yeah, okay,

''Jerk'' isn't really my type,

Yeah, you're right,

He can have his jerk moments,

Oh, I thought he was you
guys'... god, or whatever,

You're close,
He's my older brother,

Oh, You're the other Tucker?

What is that? Is that, like,
''the loser Tucker''?

Oh, no, no,
That's not what I meant,

I just... you just don't look...

Hot, buff, or capable of
inciting an all-girl smackdown?

No, you're right,

Naw, it's-it's cool,

I'll let you in on a secret, though,

My mom...

says I'm special on the inside,

Good for you,


John? Can I talk to you for a sec?

Yeah, sure,

Later, guys,

Later, man,

So, what's up?

In PE today, some loser said
that she went out with you,

And you believed her,

No, I mean, I don't know,

You can't have a girlfriend... basketball season,


if I could...
you know who it'd be,

You know, I don't know why
girls say stuff like that,

I mean, I think they're just...

jealous of what we have,

Because we share
something special,

Something we don't have to label,

You know, it's...
it's an unspoken bond,

And I love how secure you are,

All right,

Detention has begun,

I'll be right back,

And no talking!

So, I talked toJohn,

It was sweet,

He felt bad for you,

He said that you were jealous because...

we share something special,

Something that...

we didn't have to label
because it's...

Because it's our unspoken bond...

and I just love
how secure you are?

And it hurts me to hear
you question it?

Because you're the...

...only girl for me?!


He said the same thing
to all of us,

Figures, He makes up with us...

and then he hooks up with us...

You guys hooked up?

John and I share
something special,

Oh, what, that you've both
been in your pants?

We share a vegan/nonviolent
outlook on life,

Hippie slut,

Oh, nice, Heather,

It's not like everyone
doesn't know...

that Little Miss Cheerleader
brings it on,

- Look...
- You, too?

-John and I belong together,

He is the team captain,
and I am...

the head cheerleader,

Oh, I'm sorry...

what kind of cheerleader?

Oh, like he'd take
either of you two seriously!

- Do not lump me with her!
- Oh, so, what...

- now you're better than me?
- Shut up,

- What?
- Excuse me?
- What?

Sorry, S-Sorry,

You have something to say?


No, it's none of my business,


Okay, let me guess,

Does he always use pet names
like ''baby''...

and ''sweetheart''?

Yeah, it's not out of affection,

It's so he won't mix up your names,

And-And he's all about
an unspoken bond...

or something special,
but never about a relationship,

A-And the whole arrangement
was your idea...

so you feel guilty
that he cheated,

Oh, my God,
You're dating John, too,

No, uh...

No, I just knew a guy like him,


She's right, I mean,
he's always making me feel guilty,

- Yeah,
- It seems to me...

that if a guy treats you
like that, it...

You'd break up with him,

John would have another
girlfriend in a second,

No, I didn't say, ''break up,''

I'd get even,

Who are you?

I know!

You're that girl who wigged out
last year and got sent to rehab!

No, I...

Then you got taken away
for bulimia,

- No,
- Fat camp?

- No, My name's...
- Hey! No talking!

- My name is...
- No... talking!

Hey, honey!

I'm in a hurry,

I've got a...
big date tonight,



Well, veterinarian,


- So you're dating a dog nurse,

got a friend at the door,


Have fun, girls!

Kate, right?

Yeah, Kate,

I wanna bring down

Normally I'm opposed to
the slaughter of animals...

but in John Tucker's case,
I'll make an exception,

I don't even know him,

So? You don't know anyone,

You're like the Swiss,
You're neutered,

Uh, it's neutral,
Kate, if the three of us...

tried this alone,
we would kill each other,

You brought us here,
You showed us that we have...

something in common,

We all wanna killJohn Tucker,



Learning Center?

Who knew this was here?

Look at him, struttin' his
stuff like he owns the place,

Well, he does,

For now,

This way,

Don't touch anything,


You spend way too much time
in after-school programs,

Thank you,

Beth, can you get the lights?

It's the remote...
labeled ''lights,''

Okay, guys, Let's go,

Please try and pay attention,
and all cell phones off,

Kate... do your thing,

My thing? Oh, okay,

What... is it
that attracted you toJohn...?

Kate, I like where
you're going with this,

Okay, girls, we need
to defineJohn,

He's a statue
wrapped in a painting...

in a frame made of muscles,

But what makes him tick?

Is it that charm?
Is it that smile?

Is it that perfect tan?

What is it, girls?
Dig deep,

It's everything,

It's his eyes...

his lips,
his chest, the...

the way that,
when he holds you...

his whole body
kinda tightens...

Uh, we all know what happens
when boys get happy,

Not what I meant!

You guys,
save it forJohn, okay?

Look, back to the point,
We all agree he's hot,

So, what do we do?

Well, in cheer, we usually
tear down the other team...

by undermining their confidence,
makin' 'em feel lame,

I don't think
this is a case for...

''U-G-L-Y, you ain't
got no alibi,''

Shut up,

Heather, as much as I hate to
admit this... you have a point,


And-And sinceJohn's game is
that he always has a date...

to get even with a guy like that,
you make him... undatable,


- Undatable,

A systematic destruction...

of all that is John Tucker,

Girls... I think
I have an idea,

I'm telling you, babe...

you could make your
looks work for you,

Don't you think, Robert?

You know, Robert
knows my mom...

and he shoots for
Vogue, Elle, GQ,

And of course he's done...

all my yearbook photos since
middle school on recycled paper,


The trick is just relax...

and behave naturally, yeah?

Now pout for me,John! Pout!

More pouting, yeah!
Oh, yeah, I love you,

I love you,
Now make me hate you!

Hate me! Yeah!
Oh, yeah!

Oh, you hate me!
Oh, you hate me,John!

Nice, nice, nice!
Now you're a tree,

It's windy,
Shake your branches!

- Big storm,John,
- It's good,

Big storm, Bigger,
bigger, bigger,

Now hate me,John,

Hate me,

Oh, you hate me,John!

It is so amazing that
you're into sculpture,

I mean, what are human beings
here for if not to, you know...

make... horses and stuff
out of clay?

Really? I'm so glad
you feel that way,


Hey, isn't that you?

I do some part-time
male modeling,

- Really?
- Yeah,

I didn't know that,

-Can I have a sip?
- Yeah,

I know that guy!


What?! No, I...

I don't have that,

Holly... I-I-I
don't have that!

God, ooh,
Don't touch me,

- Don't touch me, Don't touch me,
- Holly, wait!


That's him!

What? No, that's not real,

I only model
as a guy with herpes,

Goin' to the free clinic, Tuck?

Rule 1 in warfare;

Never underestimate
your opponent,

Oh, I love you, Tucker!

I don't personally suffer
from an STD...

but one in five young adults do,

And I am proud to give my voice
to the silent,

That's right, baby!

- Thanks!

Okay, it should've worked,

I mean,
are we missing something?

- I am, My social life,
- Hey!

Hey, Ms, Spencer,

''Lori,'' please,

So, what are you girls up to?

- Destroying a man,
- Ooh, who do I make my check out to?

He's totally indestructible,

We give him herpes,
they give him an award,

Fake herpes, Mom, N...

It was a whole reputation thing,

It's a long story,

Sure, Yeah, the old ''fake herpes,
reputation...'' thing,

You know, um...

I can unpack the groceries
if you've got... stuff,

I get it, All right,

Play nice, girls, Hmm,

Okay, your mom is so hot!

She does Yogalates,

Carrie, what are you
always typing on there?

Oh, lists...
normal stuff, same as everyone,

I have my ''To Do'' list,
my ''Goals'' list...

my ''Contingency'' list,
my ''Observations''...

my ''Notions,'' which, of course,
are very different...

because ''Observations'' require
a topic sentence...

and ''Notions'' do not,

Normal stuff,

Right, Normal,


Well, at least
I'm not medicated,

Excuse me, This is an
all-natural beauty supplement,

What are you taking?

Estrogen? Heather!

They torture innocent
horses for this,

It's made from their pee,

Peeing isn't torture,
Menopause is,

I steal it from my mom,

Guys take steroids to get pecs,

I just wanna go up a cup size,

I don't think
it works like that,

It stops your natural
hormone production,

Yeah, and when you run out...

you're gonna grow
a mustache and a penis,

Are you serious?

Okay, you guys,
we've gotta get back toJohn,

Okay, What we need
is one major hit...

that's gonna crush his whole
macho thing, you know?

We need him to understand
what it feels like to be us,


And what's more terrifying
to a man than...

not being manly?

I wanna see a three-man weave
from center,

Two hands, Matt,

You, too, Chris,

All right, keep it goin' now!

All right, here we go,

Alex, you, too,
Come on, Pick it up,

Better, Tucker,

Take a drink, you guys,

What's up, babe?


How you doin'?


Um, are you tryin' to bulk up?

Yeah, Coach has me
drinkin' 'em twice a day,

Oh... not working,

I mean, the slim look works
for some guys, but...

you're definitely losing tone,

I'm losing tone?

Yeah, Maybe you should
double up doses,

Yeah, Maybe you should
double up doses,

Yeah, Yeah, Thanks for
the heads-up, babe,




Hey, can I ask you a favor?

Uh, I'm-I'm in need
of a lab partner,

I was with Alex, but...

he got burnt pretty badly
in an experiment, so...

Oh, Well, before I say yes...

how exactly did he get burned?

Uh, well, that is open
to interpretation...

because he will say that it was
my fault, but I clearly said...

''Dear God, man, you're on fire,

Run for your life,''

A clear warning,


Okay, Well, uh,
you can start by measuring...

40 milliliters into that
graduated cylinder,

All right,

Whoa, Slow down,

Huh? All right,

Get down at eye level,

And wait till the bottom of
the meniscus is at that line,

I'm-I'm sorry,
The meniscus?

Wait till the curvy part
is at the doodad,

All right,


Stop right... there,

- Oh!
- Oh!

Oh, God! I...

Oh, my gosh!

Shit, I spilled it!
What do I do? What is this?

- Sodium chloride suspension,
- Oh, God, I have to get...

- Ow, it's burning,
- Really?

'Cause, uh, sodium chloride
is... saltwater,

Ah, it's burning!

Oh, Well, okay,

Then I didn't burn myself,

It just kinda...
looks like I peed,

- Hey!

Hey, all right, All right,
This is just silly!

This is...

Hey! Cool it,

Yeah, Kate,

Geez, cool it,


Lay off,
That's sensitive,

I'm sorry, princess,

Did you chip a nail?
Really, how many times do I...

have to flush
before you go away?

Play clean,

Hey, if I wanted to listen to
an asshole, I would've farted,

That's an awful thing to say,

We got a technical foul:
23 with a push,

He started it,
He's bein' mean,

Dude, that's mine!
I got low blood sugar!

I need it,

Do my thighs look fat
in these shorts?

De-fense! De-fense!



Come on,John!

What? Why are you
lookin' at me like that?

I'm open!


You see?
Now look what you made me do,

- Time, ref,

John, you okay?

Yeah, Why?
Don't I look okay?

'Cause I feel okay,
I feel fine,

I'm great,
What are you saying?

I'm saying focus,

We got one minute left on
the clock to finish this game,

I'm in it,

On three, One-two-three...


Tucker, are you okay?

Can you finish the game?


I-I-I'm anxious and bloated... nipples hurt,

Don't be a pansy-ass!

We need ya,
Get up, Let's go,

No! I won't!

I mean, i-i-it's always me,

''W-W-We need you,John,
Let's go,John,


You're always yelling at me...

but you never listen to me,

What about my feelings?

It was a kill-strike...

Leave me alone!

...and it landed
with shock and awe,

Thanks to us,
girls would no longer be...

under the reign
ofJohn Tucker's charm,

He had finally fallen
from grace...

and we were
on top of the world,

Bye, guys!

Yo, what's up, guys?


Mm-mm, mm-mm,

What you did
on the court last night...

was the most courageous thing
I've ever seen any man do,

This is my peer-counseling hotline,

Give it a call
anytime you want to talk,

I stay up late,

A real man knows how to feel,

I want to feel a real man,

If you ever need a shoulder
or a hug or, you know...

anything... I'm here,

Rule 2 in warfare;

never, ever,
underestimate your opponent,

Hey, sweetie,
Can we talk?

Look... I know
I wigged out last night,

My peer counselor says
I need to look into...

my emotional responsibility,

So, I've been doing
some ''me'' work...

and, uh, it's really been
clearing things up,


And, well, you know there's
only one girl for me,

But... I don't think
that girl is you,

I mean, we had a fun run,

You know?
I'm just ready to find...

something deeper, more complex,

So... we good?

Well... he dumped me,

That shallow bastard
thinks I'm not complex?

You, like, invented complex,

I'm so depressed, I couldn't
even enjoy the break-up sex,

Oh, my God, I'm such a slut!


- Oh, God!

I can't believe
I ate meat for him,

I mean, it was fish...

Still, I don't eat anything
with a face,

Mm, try this,
It's really good,

Chocolate on chocolate,

Oh, yeah,

Chocolate is theJohn Tucker...
of all snack food,

What, it's gotta get with
every candy on the shelf?

No, no, no, chocolate makes
everything better,

My mom says that it can even
mend your broken heart,

You know, I was thinking...

instead of doing all this...

we should've just
broken his heart,


Heather, that's pretty genius,

Yeah, except he broke up
with everybody,

Not... everybody,

What? I...

- No,
- Mm-hmm,

I can't do that,

- I don't even like him,
- So?

You're not really
gonna be dating him,

You'll be pretending,


Look, I know what
you're thinking,

''I'm not as pretty as Heather,

''I'm not that smart,

''I'm not that...


That's true,

But you have us,

And we can make you into anything,
If we combine...

all of us, we can make him
fall in love with you-

I mean really fall in
love- and then we'll...

yank it all out from under him,

This is gonna be so good!

No, it's just not gonna work, I...

Kate, look...

I know you think I'm just
a superficial cheerleader...

but... I do have feelings...

and they got crushed
because of your idea,

I used all my mom's
estrogen pills...

and now she looks
like Bernie Mac,


You guys, I...

You know what? Forget it,

You couldn't pull it off anyway,

Let's go,

Oh, well,

All right,


Just tell me what to do,

- Yes!
- Oh!

- Ha!

Now, the first step is so easy,

There's one thing
John Tucker cannot resist,

Okay, girls, This is Kate...

and she'll be
taking Nancy's spot,

- What?
- Well, you know, you've...

got that bum leg
and everything, Sorry!

But it's just a sprain,

The doctor said
I'd be better in a week,

Maybe next year, kiddo,
You fought a good fight, though,

Okay, pyramid!
Kate, you're on top,

What? No, no, no,
I get dizzy in high heels,

Come on!

John loves girls on top,

Of the pyramid! Hello!

Trust me, it's an honor,

Molly's been waiting
three years to get up there,

Right, Molly?

Yeah, you go ahead,

It's your first day,
You earned it,

Okay, Up-up-up!


Straight legs,

Nice and steady,

Big smile!

I did it!

Kodiaks, attack...!


Well, if you can crush John
like you crushed Molly...

I think we got it,

Don't be sorry, Be strong,

The most important thing
a cheerleader wears...

is her attitude,

Watch this,

That is hot!

I can do that,

Hey, how you doin'?

Heather...we're cool, right?


Who's the new cheerleader?


That's Kate,

She's cute,

Not gonna happen,

She's not into
high school boys,

That's it?

We just planted the seed,

What'd he say about me?
Did he say anything?

He said that?
He really di...?

Uh, oh, my gosh,
I-I mean...

you didn't even introduce me,

Should I go talk to him?

I-I'll go... No?


Okay, emergency meeting,

I think we're sending Kate in
before she's ready,

I... I'm totally ready,

Really? Tell 'em
whatJohn said about you,

Oh, what, about me being cute?

Oh, No, it's
just a comment,

If anything, it's an insult,

I know he's just getting
ready to use me,

Kate, I'm confused,
but I thought you said...

you had experience
with guys like this,

I do, I-I've watched my mom date
a million and one of these guys,

But have you ever dated one?

Have you ever dated
a John Tucker?

Have you ever dated... anyone?

- Define ''anyone,''

Oh, my God! I'm totally not ready!
I'm gonna blow this...

No, no, no, no,
You're gonna be fine,

All right, stop, Stop,

Okay, look,
you'll be fine, okay?

You just gotta remember
to be cool and... collected,

Yeah, Be caring and passionate,

Be proud and... aggressive,

You've got to make him
chase you, okay?

If it's easy...

he'll move on,

Do you understand?

Yes, I-I have it,

It's totally under control,


So...he really said
you were cute?

Yeah, I mean, that's what
Heather said, and... Damn it!

Okay, okay, look,

It's not that hard, Um...

When he speaks to you...

count to three...

in your head
before you answer him,

Don't show any interest,
Don't even look at him too much,

- Hm,
- Yeah, no,

You got it?

I said do you have it?

I was counting to three,

Not that slowly,

We don't want him to think
you're retarded,

Um... sorry,

It's my bad,



John Tucker?


So... you must be new,

Well, not ''new'' new, but...

new to cheer,

Okay, don't tell me,

Tell me Friday night...
at dinner,

I'm captain of the team,
You're our new cheerleader,

I'm obligated to buy you dinner,
School rules,

Thank you, but I'm
gonna have to pass,

You busy, or...?

Sure, I'm busy,
Nice to meet you, Bye,


Uh... you know,
there's actually...

a pretty decent music scene
around here,

You know,
if I ever know...

you know, I mean, if I...
ever hear of a good show...

I could maybe...
you know, I could...

I could let you know...

about that show,

Where are you supposed to be?

You don't belong in this class,

I-I'm just supposed
to drop these off,


Uh, excuse me? Who are you?

Whoa, Hey,

What's going on h...
What is your name, son?

Attention, fellow students,

If Kate is out there in
Loudspeaker Land, my number is...


Give me a pen,

I'm the captain of the team,

You're our new cheerleader,

I'm obligated to buy you dinner,
School rules,

Thank you, but I'm gonna have to pass,

Uh, how'd you guys get this video?

I've been documenting our efforts,

Great! Make a video,

MaybeJohn'll get
a role on The O,C,

It's our expose,

We're gonna show everybody
the realJohn Tucker,

And how we broke his... heart,

It'll be like...

Prime Time Tucker,

Hasta la vista, motherf...


with the rhyming,

Now, that's good,

Do it like this,

-Hey, sweetie,

there's only one guy
out there for me...

I just don't think
that girl is you,

- ...and you are not...
- Not him!

We good?

We are so gonna neuter him!

- Kate, do one,
- Uh...

John, there's only one guy
out there for me,

- You are not him,
- No, don't hold back,

How do you want to
be a cheerleader...

with no attitude?

I... don't want to be
a cheerleader,


everyone wants to be
a cheerleader,

Come on, you got to sell it!


there's only one guy
out there for me...

- but you are not him,


Kate, this is for
every guy out there...

that's ever lied to any girl,


Okay, action,

John Tucker, there's only
one guy out there for me...

but you are not him,

You are gonna be a legend,


Oh, hey,


Did you like the flowers?

Uh, yeah, if you're...
into that sort of thing,

'Cause... I didn't
get a phone call,

I didn't have a pen,

- Scrappy!
- Oh!

- Hey, man,
- Hey,

So, you're lab partners
with Kate, right?

You talk,
What's her deal?

Yeah, I don't know, man,

I don't think
she's your type, though,

''Girl'' is my type,

- All right, well...

then-then maybe, uh,
you're not her type,

She's into stuff like...

old-school Elvis Costello;
she listens...

to obscure podcasts;

she reads Dave Eggers,

You know, she's...
she's deep, man,

Dude... I'm deep,

I'm dating the Poetry Club,


So,John asked you to spy on me?

Yeah, he heard we
were lab partners...

so he's having me tail you
and find out what I can,

Although, I am supposed
to be playing it cool...

and not giving anything away,

You're, like,
the worst spy in the world,

Or am I the best
spy in the world?

Who's waiting by the phone,
and who's chatting up the girl?

- That's true,
- Eh?

I have a kink,
I have a kink in my neck,

That's probably those
new cheer muscles of yours,

Are you making fun of me?

Uh, a little bit, yeah,

Um... sorry,

- Yeah, uh...
- All right,

- These are your books,
- Yeah,

I'm gonna go,

''Go, Fight, Roar,''

Yeah, Right, Yeah,



Here we go, Kodiaks, Here we go!

Yeah, baby!


Hey, I think I totally
blew it with John,

I mean, he hasn't even looked
at me since I turned him down,

Relax, Kate, this is going
to work, I promise,

H-How do you know?

I just know, I promise,

Kate Spencer,

How you doing?

Good, How are you?

Not so good,

See, I like this girl,
but she doesn't know I exist,

Tucker! Get in the game!

I'm baring my soul, here, Coach,

John, I understand and respect
your emotional needs...


So, Fridays...

we usually go out to the beach,
watch the sunset,

You should come,


Come on,J,T,!

- Tucker, shoot!

If it'll make him shoot, okay,



Kodiaks are number one!

After Thursday's game,
it's no question...

which Kate S, has taken
the school by storm...

capturing the full attention...

of the school's greatest prize...


Tucker! Tucker! Tucker!

Tucker! Tucker! Tucker! Tucker!


I've never done this before,

You put it on her bra?

Guys, he is gonna find that...

in, like,
the first five minutes,

Or not,

Beth, can you speak
into the cleavage?

Um... Kate's boob cam,

Testing, testing, Hello,

You guys,

Oh, my gosh!

- Hello!
- Oh, my gosh!

-Waah... waah...


You know, if we play
our cards right...

we can keep this going all
the way tillJohn's birthday,

That may just work, See?

I've already made a projected
Heartbreak Timeline...

based on John's
average conquests...

compared to Kate's
rising Cool Factor,


So, it leads to two events:

the away game
and John's birthday party,

Now, I say our best chance
at heartbreak...

is to see how much
he cares about Kate,

So we test him...

at the away game, and then...

we crush him... his party,


How do you know he's going
to have a party?

Oh, you're so new,
it's cute, Okay,

John's birthday is, like,
homecoming combined with prom...

combined with MTV Music Awards,

So are you ready for him?

Yes, Okay, so, um,
I play hard to get,

I-I count to three,
I've got it,


That's when you were
playing hard to get,

You're going out,
He's got you,

So I count... to four?

Oh, my God, I don't know
what I'm doing!

I mean, this is
a really bad idea, you guys!

Chill out!

Look, you're with three girls...

who know how he
operates, okay?

You'll be fine,

Okay, I'm going to beJohn,

Heather, be Kate,

I don't want to be Kate,
You be Kate,

Can I be Kate?

Fine, let Kate be Kate,

-Just go,
- Okay,

Baby, it's your lucky day...

'cause I'm going
to take you out tonight,

Where do you want to go?

I don't know,

Where do you want to go?

No! He's not in control, remember?

You are, Right?

- Mm-hmm,
- Now, try it with me,

Honey, you know I'm all about
what makes you happy,

So, what movie?

Anything you want,

What do you think I want?

And don't be wrong,

- Ka-pow,
- Nice,

- Okay,
- These,

Okay, wait, it can't
hide the camera,

Cleavage, It's going
to go in the sweater,

It'll be perfect,
We'll hide it right under this...

Kate, Hey, you made it,


Hey, Kate,
How's it going?

Hi, Tuck, Kate,

- Hey, Kate,
- Looking good, Kate,

Hey, Kate! It's Becky
from Student Council,

Oh, hey!

Hey, what's up, Kate?

Looks like I'm out with
the most popular girl in school,

Lucky you,

So... tell me about yourself,

I want to know everything;
your whole story,

Oh, my story,

Um... It's still being written,

So... it's a mystery,


I like mysteries,


I mean, what do you
like about them?

I don't know,

I guess...

I like secrets,

I bet,

Okay, You're right,

Too much talking
ruins the moment,

Let me just stand here
and enjoy this,



The sunset is that way,

Yeah, no, I'm just enjoying...

everyone staring at me
in insane jealousy,

They wish they were out
with a girl like you,

So, how did I end
up out tonight...

with the most amazing
girl in school?

I mean, was it
my irresistible charm...

or... my really nice butt?

I think it was
your incredible modesty,

- Liar!
- Oh, shit!

He's in his zone tonight,

I hope she can handle it,

The beach, the sunset...

At least there's no romantic fire,


Mine's on fire!

Thank you,


So, um...

can I give you a ride home?


Yeah, Yeah,


I have to pee,

That was too much information,

It's okay,

Your secret's safe with me,

I-I gotta make sure...

Tommy's got a ride home,
anyway, so, uh...

I'll meet you at the truck?

Yeah, Yeah,


I need some help here,

We didn't prepare her for this,

- Hi,
- Hey,

Okay, a ride home?
Wh-what do I do?

Just breathe,

This is really good,
It means he's into you,

Do you think
he's going to make a move?

No, if anything,
it's just going to be a kiss,

He keeps it PG-1 on the first night,

Okay, Are you a good kisser?

Okay, Are you a good kisser?

I-I-I don't know,
How does anybody know?

Do guys tell you
you're a good kisser?

Oh, my God, I-I'm a bad kisser,

Okay, stop,

All we need is one kiss...

and then you leave
him wanting more,

It is not that hard, okay?

Oh, my God,

I'm going to have to
show you, aren't I?

- Okay, Um...
- Right now?

Okay, Quick, Okay,

Come here,

You lock in on him...

grab onto that
gorgeous head of hair...

and take control,

Hold his gaze,

Your lips might just touch,
but not yet,

It's just gotta be the temptation,

And then you give him
one light kiss,

Holy jama lama,

Kiss her again,

Do it,

Get out of here, you little perv!

- Shit!

Kate, I'm gone,


Can you kill the lights?


- Hey,
- Hey,

- Hey,
- Hi,

- What's wrong?

Nothing, Nothing,

I-I... I was just breathing,


I breathe a lot,


Beth's still in the truck,


Slut in truck!

Come on, We gotta move,

Oh, my God,

- Okay, okay, here we go,


what kind of music you into?

Good music,

Think I might have some of that,

Let's see,

Here we go,

You like Elvis Costello?

You tell me you don't...

I'm kicking you out
of the car right now,

No, I-I-I love him,

I mean... he's okay,

I guess, Whatever,

So what are some of
your other secrets?


Well, if I told you,
I-I'd have to kill you,

I'm glad we did this,

I had a great time,

Me, too,


Walk me to my door,



I could walk you to your door...


then I'd be too tempted to kiss you,

And I really like you,

You know? And I...

I-I don't want to risk anything
by moving too fast,


rather than torture myself...

I'm just going to say good night,

So... good night,

- Ow!
- Ow,


I-I think I bobbed
when you weaved,

- Yeah,

She's going off-book,

What just happened?

Is that Beth?




I always like a little risk,

- Oh, my gosh,
- Come on,


Something is not right,

Wh... whoa,

- Kate?
- U-Um...

I don't want to risk
anything by going too fast,

Ah, Ah,

It's not even my date...

and he still gets me
out of my skirt,


Honey, what happened?

The sprinklers, Sorry,

Oh! That could ruin a date, huh?

It wasn't a real date, Mom,



Listen, uh...

I don't think
this is such a good idea,

You know,
pretending to like a guy,

I just... I don't want
to see you get hurt,

I'm not going to get hurt,

He is,

My advice...

is not to do this,

Mom, there's a lot of things
I come to you for advice about...

but this is not one of them,

I'm sorry, but...

honestly, how manyJohn Tuckers...

have pulled a hit-and-run on you?

That's not fair,

I have met some pretty
nice guys lately,

Right, yeah,

The drummer, the guy in rehab...

and, throw in that one
from the tanning salon...

and you've hit the trifecta,

When did you get like this?

A month ago,
you wouldn't like you right now,

A month ago, nobody liked me,

I did,

I'm sorry, I just...

It's been a long night,
I'm a little... you know...

Yeah, it's okay,

I got a little of that, too,

Good night,


Just be careful
who you pretend to be,

I mean, I'd hate
if you forgot who you are,

I was nobody, so there's really
no risk in losing anything,

So, how long till you think
he's back again?

I say he'll show up in
the next... 30 seconds?

Come on,

Ah, like clockwork,

- That's call number five,

That's two calls past desperate,

- Get it,


Hey, Kate, It's me,


John Tucker?

Oh, yeah, Hey,
Um, I just got in, What's up?

So, did you figure out...

if you were doing anything on Saturday?

Um... yeah,

I did, and...

Oh, crap,

What's the matter?

Uh, some perv's been
checking out the house...

and I think I see him,

I think he's in a Jeep or something,


You want me to cruise by
and check it out?

No, We're just
gonna call the cops,


Well, I'll-I'll talk to you later then,


We figured if we'd hit stalking potential...

it was time to letJohn
take me out on a real date,

We're not eating here?

Nah, I thought
we'd do take-out,

Wait, where are we going?

Well, I could tell you...

but then I'd have to kill you,

- Come on,

There's our table,

Oh, my gosh,

Where are they?

Where'd they go?


You guys...

I can't tell where they are,

Okay, it's...... it's definitely dark,


I don't know,
Outside, maybe?

No effin' way!

Boat? Has anybody else
been on the boat?

I've never been on the boat,

Nobody even told me he had a boat!

She's not equipped
to handle this,

- Huh,

I'm losing them,

I'm losing them! Hey!


I'm serious,
-Stop it,

We've gotta get out there,

Come on!

We've gotta get there now-ish,

I can't! This motor sucks,

- Can't you go a little faster?
- No,

Give me an oar,
I could paddle faster than you!

Just pretend
it's a whaling ship and...

go Greenpeace on their asses!


- Hey! Hey!

Nice, Gilligan here
just flooded the engine,

I'll give you ''Gilligan,''

- Heather, Heather, stop it!
- Stop! Stop it! That's wet!

You have no idea
what you're doing, Heather!


Okay, This is fine,

This is why God
invented Triple-A,

Oh, no,


No signal,


No signal?

It was the first time
I was truly alone with John,

I can't quite explain it, but...

Okay, if I could dream
ofhow a date should be...

Now make a wish,

,,John Tucker did it better,

He did it way better,

I mean, when do you cue
the dolphins?


I mean, no-no-no-no,
don't get me wrong,

It's... It's really nice, but...

are you really that scared...

to just hang out
and be yourself?

Okay, Fair enough,

But it is terrifying,
trying to impress you,


Kate, I mean...

you come out of nowhere...

and you've got
high school dialed in,

I don't really think I'm that dialed,

No, uh, you're
the varsity captain...

and the most popular guy
in school, yeah?

Right, right, right, yeah, um, I guess,

You know, I'm-I'm just lucky,


I'm really lucky,

Yeah, and-and-and
that's why I'd be crazy...

not to make the most of it,

Look, Kate...

Maybe sometimes
I come on too strong,

I don't know who else to be,

You know, I just gotta put
my whole heart into things,

That sounds like an easy way
to get it broken,

Well... luckily, I...
figured out a way...

to protect myself against that,

Some kick-ass dance moves,


- Wha...? Oh, my gosh!

I wasn't ready for that,

I was thinking about going pro,

- Oh?
- Laugh all you want,

There was a scout in the stands...

at last year's prom,


Oh, my gosh, spill it,

We need to know everything,
Every detail right now,

I... You- I mean, you-you guys
dated him, You know,

Not on the high seas,

What the hell happened out there?

Um...nothing, you know?
It was just-We... We talked...

and it was...

It was nice,

You just talked?

You mean, he was able to...
get intimate without being...

like... intimate?


He is telling her anything
she wants to hear,

Look, the only way to see
if he's really fallen for her...

is to see how far
Kate can push him...

at the hotel after the away game,

Yeah, I-I... I can do that,

Oh, no, Oh, no,
I know that look,

He's got you under his spell,

What? No! I-I...
Come on,

No, you come on,

You can't lose focus
going into the finals,

Kate, we all believed him...

but there is no way to know what
this guy is really thinking,

Yes, there is,

I'm reporting from behind enemy lines...

a fortress, if you will,
where the innermost workings...

of the male psyche
reveal themselves...

like a slide under a microscope,

- Good practice, Good practice!

Central is going down!

Get down!

That's disgusting,

Hey, look, Ma! No hands!

Disgusting, Nice work,

- Oh! Tommy! Nachos?
- Damn!

I think it was nachos,

Holy guacamole,

Away game, dude,
You gonna be my wingman?

Naw, I think I'm just gonna
hang out with Kate tonight,

Aw, come on,
So I gotta take care...

of all that Central High tail by myself?

- Guess so,
- Ah, come on, man!

We gonna get us some girls...

or are you gonna act like one?

That's messed up, Tommy,

John, Please, please tell me...

you tapped that by now!

Boys, Boys, Look...

you don't just pop
an '82 Bordeaux...

'cause it's on your shelf,

Oh, please,

Great things take time,

Man, you whipped!

- Whipped, man!

Hey! Hey!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Nobody is whipped, okay?
John Tucker is not whipped,

Oh, here we go,

Let's just say,
at tonight's away game...

I'm gonna be scoring
more than baskets,


Okay, okay, Uncork it,
then pork it,

- Now that's my man!
- Slam-dunk, baby,


We are so gonna get him,

So, hydrogen and oxygen
are getting a drink...

and gold walks in
and they go...

''AU! Get outta the bar!''

'Cause, you know, AU is...

the atomic symbol for gold,

Yeah, Yeah,
I-I got it,

Oh, good,

You're gonna help me measure
with the doodad and everything,

Oh, I actually thought
I'd work with Alex today,

Oh, I... Well, he's
gonna take you back...

without an insurance waiver?

Yeah, well,
he's warmed up to me...

since his left eyebrow grew back,


Hey, kiddo,
Is your mom home?


Is that him?

You're not seriously
going out with Skip, are you?

Don't call him that,

We're just going out,

Mom, please don't do this,

- Please?

He's probably in town
for a layover...

and he's just looking
for someone to lay over,

Very clever, sweetheart,

Can we not do this
whole thing right now?

Mom, no wonder I'm so messed up,

I've never actually seen
a functional relationship,

Who I date...

is none of your business,

Are you serious?

Can you imagine growing up
with a mom who only dates jerks?

You don't really see
how this affects me?

See you tomorrow,

Don't forget to lock the door
when you sneak out,

So,your team's just won
the semifinals...

you're at a hotel
with all your friends...

I mean, this should be fun,
shouldn't it?

Come on,! Get up,!

Let's go,

Now the real game begins,

Are you sure we're
not going too far?


this game's in crunch time,

Kate, do you know what happens
when you let your guard down...

around John Tucker?

Carrie, show her,

You need to see this,


- Man, you whipped, man!
- Whipped!

- Hold up! Hold up,
- All right, What? What?

I am not whipped, okay?

John Tucker is not whipped,

I will have you know
that at tonight's away game...

I'm gonna be scoring more than baskets,

Uncork it, then pork it,

- Okay, I got you on that one!
- Slam-dunk, baby,

John Tucker, you are going down,

What? Is it okay?

You should totally wear
underwear to school,

- She's hot!
- Yeah, you, girl!

''Kate S, requests...

video chat with John T''?

Okay, you're gone,

- All right! Playa-playa!
- Come on, Tommy, Up,

- Bye-bye,
- Fabio, Ow,

- Hey, there,

Hey, You alone?

Yeah, You?

Yeah, It's so sad...
'cause I'm s...

I'm so... lovely,


- Lonely!

I'm so lonely,

Well, maybe I could...

come over there
and keep you company,

Oh, I'd like that...
but there's a problem,

Coach Williams is out in the hall,

- She's totally watching,

There's no way
you could get in here,

- Damn it,
- Unless...

you went out on the ledge...

and came in
through the sliding door?

Yeah, right,

Yeah, that's crazy,

It's too bad,
I got all... dressed up,

Or... down,

I-I could try the balcony,

I'm three rooms down,

I already counted,

I'll be right there,

Hold-Hold on!

Uh, hold on,



I... got you a present?

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah,

It's... under your bed,

Ooh, A little preview?


I want you to wear them,

What's wrong?

It's sexy, Haven't you
ever done this before?


That's cute,

You're just so...


No, I am not inexperienced,


Johnny, I thought
that you might do this...

Johnny, I thought
that you might do this...

one little thing for me,

And then... I might do a little
something for you,

And then... we might do a little
something together,


You know what? I am tired...

...and it is getting
really late, so...

I'll just see you tomorrow,

- Night,
- Wait,

Wait, Um...
Give me five minutes,


- I'm sorry!


- March!
- Ow!

- Ow!
- Ooh!John!

- What are you wearing?
- Dude, those are for ladies,

What... the hell?

I think this belongs to you, Coach,

I found it in my bed,

Coach, make her let go,

Let go,

''Live and let live''
is what I say, Tucker,

Takes all kinds to build a freeway,

But I am not equipped...

for this kind of weirdness...

this close to the playoffs!

I guess it was
four instead of three, Sorry,

Show's over, ladies,

Back to your rooms,

Show's over!
Back to your rooms,

- Hey,John!

Love the bow,

Your butt is my screensaver,

There he is,

Hey, Tucker!

All right, let's go!

Split up, shirts versus skins,
Come on,

All right, Ball,

Dude, you wearing
thongs again, man?


It's like letting your best
friend sleep in a silk hammock,

They're breezy,

They don't bind,

And they give you
just enough swing,


All right, guys, let's go!


I'd hit him with my car...

if he wouldn't make a body cast
a fashion statement,


Hey, The other night didn't
quite go like I'd hoped,

Yeah, I know, Sorry,

Nah, it's okay,
Kind of spun it,

I noticed, Now everyone knows
Victoria's secret,

Tommy was thinking
we'd do it as a birthday theme,

''Not the Same Old
Thong and Dance,''


Kate, Kate, wait,
Wait, wait,

you don't get it, Okay?

I was humiliated trying
to get your attention...

and I'm not working this hard
just so I can get some action,

So I'm not just some
'82 Bordeaux...

you wanna
''uncork and pork''?

Where'd you hear that?

No-No-No, look-look,
that-that's just...

locker room talk, okay?
That doesn't mean anything,

You act like a pig
so you don't sound whipped?

Yes, Exactly,

Look, I'm... I'm saying
things I don't believe,

I'm doing things
I don't understand,

I mean, I put on your underwear
and I scaled a building,

I'm trying so hard,

But I'm out of plays,

Kate... you're the one,

Look, I've... never
done this before, so...

I'm not exactly sure how it goes,

It's just something personal,

Okay? Something to show you...

and whoever wants to know,
that I'm whipped,


Yeah, I'm whipped,

Will you be my girlfriend?

Oh... my...


We'll crush him,

Kill time, Bam!

Happy birthday, little Tucker,

Okay, so, now we...

Um... y-you guys...

I'm feeling a little weird
about this whole thing,


- Kate...

You said if you ever dated a guy like this...

you would get even,

I know, um, but...

Oh, my God, you love him!

Oh, we are doing
a dating intervention,

This is for your own good,

Reality check, Kate:

you're not really dating him,

You got Tucked over,

He didn't fall for you,

He fell for what we made you,

Who were you before you met us?

No one... and then
we made you ''the one''...

and this is how you repay us?

So, the little monster you
created destroys John Tucker...

and then what?
What happens to me?

- You become a legend!
- Yeah!

- What if I don't want that?
- Well, you can't have him!

And... this watch
belongs to me!

I'm the head cheerleader,
He's the team captain,

This watch should be mine!

What, you think because
you're the head cheerleader...

you can get whatever you want?

- Exactly!
- Hey! Girls! Stop,

Thanks, Carrie,

He deserves the best, okay?

He obviously deserves me,

- What?!
- Please,

You don't care about him,

All you care about is
getting into Hartford,

I believe it's ''Har-vard,''

Stop it, You guys,
we're supposed to be friends,

Well, friends don't say they're
gonna do something and then...

And then totally screw
everybody over!

If you're not againstJohn,
you are not with us,

You guys really think
this is gonna help you...

get overJohn Tucker?

You're either obsessed
with destroying him...

or obsessed with dating him,

Either way,
it's always all about him,

I'm done with it,

Well, cheerleaders don't quit,

I'm not a real cheerleader,

Whatever your plan is,
count me out,

Well, don't worry about it...

because you're fired!



Hang on,

I think I know what we need,

I wish it couldjust be simple,
like a retro pop song,

Boom, end of story,
we all live happily ever after,

That's a nice watch,

No, it's-it's not
what it looks like,

But it's never really
like that, is it?

Since when are Beth and Carrie
friends with Heather?

Those girls absolutely
hate each other, Kate,

And what are they
doing talking to you?

What happened to you?

You were so different,
and now you're like...

the rest of them-
you fell for my brother,

No, I-I didn't,

No, it's-it's not like that,
I mean...

It's something you cooked
up with those three,

It's just a joke to you, isn't it?

You want to know
whyJohn fell for you?

He thinks that you're the first...

honest relationship
that he's been in,

Well, he's not that innocent, okay?

I mean, y-you know
how John Tucker can be,

Everybody knows how he can be,
He is John Tucker,

And still, every girl
in school lines up...

to date him,
knowing what they know,

And yeah, he lies to girls
to get them to fall for him,

I can't imagine the kind
of person who would do that,

Can you?

Mom! The frosting!

There's cake under it,

Yeah, I sent Skip home,


You know, I'm starting to get
this whole ''Skip'' thing,

Look, I know my...

relationship stuff affects you,

I made mistakes,

But I would never plan
to hurt somebody,

I-I'm just...

I just got so caught up in it,

I guess...

I was invisible for so long that...

it felt good to be noticed,


you chose to be invisible,

You thought it would
be easier that way,

Well, they're
noticing me now,

I mean, none of this is really me,

And-and now I don't even know
who my real friends really are,

Maybe if you showed them
the real Kate, you'd find out,

- Hey, happy birthday, bro,
- Scrappy,

Hey, have you seen Tommy?

We have a birthday
present forJohn,

Yeah, he's on stage, in the truck,

We 'bout to thump up in here!

People in Planes,
Yeah, that was loud right there!

Hey, look, check me out over here,

Come on, now, gather round,

It's John Tucker toast time! Yeah!

Hey,John, come up here, man!

All right, look,
check this out,

A birthday comes
but once a year...

and the good Lord
you'll be thanking,

Now, old pal,
let's cut this cake...

and see who's giving you...

- a... spanking! Ho-ho-ho!

- Tommy! Tommy, hey!
- What's up? Whatcha got for me?

Oh,just a little something
extra from the girls at Kodiak,

Me likey,
I'm gonna start it right now,

- Okay, perfect, Here we go,

That was hot!

- He's got mad skills!
- Now take a look at hotter!

Boy can slam!

Move on back
'cause Tuck's our man!

We love you,John!

Happy birthday,John!

- Everyone in the Poetry Club...

You made it, Come on,

Come wish me a happy birthday,

John, that's not why I'm here,

o, Kate...

this is just something
to show you and...

whoever wants to know,
that I'm whipped,

- You're the one, Kate,
-  Aw...

Look, I've never done this
before, so...

Look, I've never done this
before, so...

This is cool,

...I'm not exactly sure how it goes,

Will you be my girlfriend?

Oh, yeah!

John Tucker,
there's only one guy out there...

- for me...
- Oh, no!

but you are not...

What's going on?


John, I have something I have to say,

This entire time...

I've been pretending to be
a bunch of stuff that I'm not...

so you would... fall for me,

- Louder!
- What's the deal?!

We were trying to break your heart...

so you knew what it felt like,


I get it,

Well, hey...

you girls pulled it off,


It worked,

I'm sorry,

- What's the deal?!
- What's going on?!

You guys breaking up?

Look, this entire time,
I've been...

I've been lying about who I am,

But... I'm done pretending,

This is the real me,

This is Kate,

- Hey, Kate!
- Yeah?

You're ruining the party!

- That is so not fair,
- Oh, no!

This is all our fault,
You do not deserve this,

We should never
have done this to you,

Give me that,
Okay, Hey!

So big deal, she lied,

We all lied,

What, like you've
never lied before?

Exactly, You should be
throwing drinks at each other...

- Yeah,
- not her,

Everybody chill,

Look... they're right,

All right, we all do it,

I lie,

I pretend I'm whatever
I need to to get girls,

And it works, dude!

You're the man!

Naw, I'm not saying
it's a good thing,

- It's a great thing!

what I'm trying to say is...

it's wrong,

There ain't nothin' wrong
with hookin' up...

with the finest girls
in the school!

- Yeah!

Tucker! Tucker! Tucker! Tucker!

Tucker! Tucker! Tucker!
Tucker! Tucker! Tucker!




- Hey,
- Hey,

Wow, you look... clean,

Thanks, You look
pretty clean yourself,


- Listen...

I shouldn't have
thrown the cake...

Kate, stop,

I deserved the cake
in the face,

And, as hard as it might be
for you to believe...

I'm gonna start telling the truth,

I mean it,

Okay, well, that...
I think that's great,

So... truce?

I'd like that,


I think you bobbed when I...

- Weaved, Yeah,
- Right,

( laughs ):

See you around,

Yeah, Good luck,

So, it took us
1 2 bottles of shampoo...

and three days to get
the stripper cake out of our hair,

But you know what?

- Kate,
- It was all worth it,

Hey, Kate,

Hey, um, uh, one sec,

- Hi,
- Hey,

So, uh...

things didn't quite work out
with Alex and I,

Um... see, we have shop
together, as well,

- Was there another fire?
- No,

No, I...
I clearly warned him...

that I shouldn't be operating
a band saw,

No way,


but Chemistry
does suck without you,

What do you say?
Lab partners?

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure,

You're perfect, Kate,

Um... you know,
'cause you're, uh...

smarter than me,
and so far, uh...

not flammable,



You totally have a crush...

on the other Tucker,

She'll definitely need help
with this one,

I just upgraded my boob cam,

- We can do a full-frontal attack,
- No,

No, Let's just
hang out tonight, okay?

Hang out?

Where's that gonna go on
my college application?

And John Tucker?

And John Tucker?

We definitely got to him,

He never lied to a girl again,

Hey, beautiful,

Now, we need to go into this
with our eyes open,

Complete honesty,

Jennifer, this is Jill...

my other girlfriend,

I think we can make this work,

And the girl who made
John Tucker fall in love?

Well, she's a legend,


I almost forgot,

If you're thinking
of trying this at home...

just remember; when you mess
with a John Tucker...

you better be prepared
for the consequences,

Holy jama lama!

Special thanks to SergeiK.