Josie And The Pussycats Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Josie And The Pussycats script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Rachael Leigh Cook, Tara Reid, and Rosario Dawson movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Josie And The Pussycats. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Josie And The Pussycats Script



Okay, look, I can't believe

that I'm actually here...



and that I'm gonna get

to see them in the flesh,



because, like, Dujour is

like my most favorite band

of all time!






I just want to touch them.

I don't care which one.

I don't care where.



I got all their trading cards

and all their CD's,



and all my gear is

from their clothing line,

Dujour Couture.



I mean, I straight-up love 'em,

only, you know, like brothers.



Oh, my God!

They're here!



We are here exclusive on

the tarmac as the band Dujour

heads off on their world tour.



A year ago, would you have

ever imagined number-one song,

number-one requested video?



We're number one with a bullet,

baby, comin'to you!



Marco, there's a lady up there--

"Marry me, Marco--"

with a wedding dress.



-Keep buyin' the records, baby!

-Can you send it back to

all the guys in the studio?



What's up,John?



- Marco!



All right, boys. We'll land

in Riverdale in half an hour.



Then on to the Riverdale

Rise and Shine show.



Afternoon in-store gig

at  .  . Questions?



Yeah, Wyatt, how come

my limited-edition Coke can

has me with a goatee...



when everybody knows

I shaved into a soul patch for

the 'Don't Tell Your Papa' video?



This is wiggity-wack, Wyatt.

You're supposed to be

on top of this.



No, what's wiggity-wack

is your damn monkey.



Here we go with

the monkey again.

DJ D.J. with the monkey.



Yes, here we go again.

First it pooed on my incense.



Then it decided to poo

on my two little balls.



And then it pooed on my

picture of Swami Mukananda.



Will you please tell

this man that Dujour

means hygiene?



Maybe if you showed Dr. Zaius

the proper respect, Dr. Zaius

will stop showin' you the poo!




-I'm gonna kill you!



Okay! Now, enough of this.

I'm gonna rip out

your heart!



Eye contact, hand.

Eye contact, hand.



We'll talk to Coke

about the cans...



and try and clean up

after the doctor, okay?






- Yo, man, I'm sorry.

My bad.

- It's all good.







Could you maybe talk to Marco

about him always doing my face?



You remember in the What video

l established the-- face?



Eversince then, everytime

you see Marco, he's doing

the-- face, and it's mine.



You look at him on TRL.

"Hi, Carson. "



Look at him on

the Kid's Choice Awards.

"This is ours. Thanks."



Then right here on the cover

of Seventeen magazine.



"Hi, little girl.

Beauty secrets?"



It's my face.

It's my face.



Travis, am I, uh--

doin' your face,



'cause-- God forbid

I'd-- do your face, 'cause

it's-- such a good face.



- That's it!

- Boys, boys, boys.



- Hold it!

- Dujour means friendship.



Thank you, Les.

Now, listen to me.



Let's all take a moment.



When we land, I will

call the choreographer, and

she will give you a new face.



- Too bad your mama couldn't

give you a good face.

- Take that back right now!



-I'm sorry, Travis.

-Thank you.



You can have a new face too.



- Dujour means family.

- Dujour means teamwork.






- So, how are we?

Are we good?

- Yeah.



-Are we happy?




-Are we dope?





-Yo, Wyatt, Wyatt, there was one more thing.






Well, we were working

on some remixes of

the last single, right?



We heard like a really

strange background track.



We were wondering whether

or not you knew what

it was all about.



Gee. You know,

I have no idea what that was.



Where did it come from?



-I mean, Wyatt,

we just want some answers.

-The answers, I will provide.



I'll be right back.



Take the Chevy to the levee.







Hey, that guy in the parachute

looks just like Wyatt.



Oh, yeah?

Does he look like this?

Or like this?



- That's it.

- Break it up!



- Dujour means seat belts!



Dujour means

crash positions!



Looks like we need

to find a new band.



Thank you.



- Thank you, guys.

- Real nice.



Thanks for comin' out.



You're a great crowd.



Okay, girls.

We need the lane now...



and your shoes.



-So how'd we do?

-Twenty dollars... minus

five dollars shoe rental.



Fifteen dollars.




Five dollars.



All things considered,

I'd say this was

our best show yet.



We just need to

build a following.



Look, skanky had a rock show,

and nobody came.



Did you guys all coordinate

before you left the house,



or are you wearing

the same thing by accident?



At least we're not

wearing stupid bunny ears.



They're not bunny.

They're leopard.



And they're not stupid.

They're special.



- We're special.

- Yeah, special... ed.



Enjoy the gutters,Josie.

You'll be playing there forever.



Hey. Hey, come on.



Who's a rock star?



Who's a rock star?

I am.



That's right.

There you go.



Lookin' good, McCoy!



Alan M, what's--

What's goin' on?



Uh, the, uh, truck died.






#Did I bust the carburetor#



#Overload the alternator#



Jump in anytime.



-#Abused the accelerator#

- Nice.



You can't drive this uphill

when it's hot outside.

I told you.



You don't deserve

a truck this good.

You totally take it for granted.



#Takin' my truck for granted#



#She says I'm taking

my truck for granted#



Um, Jose?



Did, uh--



Did you ever want to tell

someone something, but--



but you weren't sure

if you should, you know?






'Cause you didn't know what

their reaction might be or if

it was the right thing to do?



You should tell them.

You should always tell them.



'Cause there's this guy at work,



and he just reeks, you know?



A guy?




-Smelly guy.

-Oh, God,Josie, no, not just smelly.



I'm talking, like,

hot, wet garbage on a sunny day.



I think there's a problem.

It's like a stadium bathroom

or something.



No one seems to want

to say anything about it.



I know you would say

something though, right?



Yeah. See, that's

what l love about you.



- We can just talk about stuff.

- That's what I'm here for.



- That's so cool.

- Ah!



Mmm! Good ramen.



I don't think people know

how far one pack can go.



Honk, honk.

Who brought doughnuts?



I hope you don't think

that this makes up for

your missing our gig.



Sure we didn't miss much.



Nice management skills,

brother. Build yourself

a nice fat girl group.



Hello, Alexandra.

Have you lost some weight?



Bite me, Bambi!

Okay, Alexandra, why don't

you go wait in the car?



-Make me, nose job.




-Penile-- Ow!

-Oh, I'm sorry.



That's the second time

today, isn 't it?



Ow! Ow.

So, ladies,how'd our set go?



You would know

if you had been there.



Hey, honey, I'm running

a management company here.

I can't be everywhere at once.



Wouldn't that be cool

though if you could?



I could be here and in there,



and I could be

in the living room...



and in the family room

and overhere!



Alexander, you don't

have any other clients.

Where else do you need to be?



On the streets, spreading

the gospel of the Pussycats.



I'm out there working

my butt off for you guys.



I'm handing out fliers.

I'm working the masses.



Waiting in line

for Dujour tickets.



It's for business.

I-- It, uh--



Checking out the competition.

I don't like Dujour, like, it's Dujour.



And I could be

back in this room, and

I could go in the closet!



Hello? Uh-huh.

You want a demo tape of the Pussycats?



- Your phone didn't even ring.

- It's on vibrate.



- Um, so-- so, yeah.

I gotta go right now.

- And then--



You want it right now?

Okay, yeah. So, I'll see you guys later.



All right, I'm on it.

You guys know he's lying.



You know your fly is open.



You know, you... suck!



That's perfect.

Even our manager wants

to see another band.



You guys, come here quick.



Hi. I'm Serena Altschul

with MTV News.



We have just received

a confirmed report...



that the members of

pop sensation Dujour disappeared

in their private jet today,



vanishing from radar

   miles east of the town of Riverdale.



Authorities are still

trying to determine

the whereabouts of the plane...



and if there are any survivors.



Dujour's label, MegaRecords,

is yet to release a statement,



but they have

released a limited-edition

commemorative box set,



complete with a CD-ROM history

of Dujour in stores tomorrow.



Those poor boys.

We will keep you posted as to

any further developments...



in what seems to be yet

another rock-and-roll tragedy.



But they didn't

say they were dead.

They said they were missing.



I say we raise money

for a search party,

and we hold a bake sale!






Man, that is so sad.



It can all be over in a flash.



You know, but at least

they had a record deal.



We can have a record deal.



It's just that we can't sit around here

waiting for it to happen.



We have to make it happen.



And you know what?

Life-- Life is short.



And we-- we are musicians,

and that means...



that we should be

out there playing music.



We do play, and we rock,

but nobody shows.



-Nobody cares.

-I care. I do. And you know what?



When life gives you lemons,

you make lemonade, and

when the going gets tough--



The tough make lemonade!






Good. We're all on the same page.



Pack up your bass.

This way.



-I live for these pink shoes.

-Yeah, they are so much cooler than our red shoes.



You guys, pink is the new red.



Wyatt Frame.

I'm with the label.



I'm in town scouting new talent,

and I wondered if there was

anyone worth hearing.



I saw the card, man,

but I missed everything else.



Why don't you start over

while I change songs?



No, wait! Play this.

It's the new single from Dujour...



recorded just a few days ago

before the... disappearance.



I'd really like to test the reaction.



Right on.



Check this out, y'all!

I got the world premiere

ofthe last single ever...



from the late, great Dujour

just for all you in the store.



Check this out.



This is the best!



I love this song!

It's their best ever.



If I don't buy it,

everybody's gonna hate me.




And, I also want

orange shoes.




Orange shoes are

so much cooler than

these stupid pink shoes.



You guys, orange

is the new pink!



I am sick of my Reebok sweats.

I need some Puma sweats.



And I gotta buy

a six-pack ofZima.



Dude, you don't drink.

I think I should start.



Yes, I think they responded

to that very well actually.



I think that song sucks.



I plug my ears when

crap like that comes on.



Really? Everybody else

seemed to like it.



That's because they're mindless

drones who will gobble up

anything you tell them is cool.



I see. Wow!

You're a real free thinker, aren't you?



I'd love to talk to you some more.



People in the recording

industry, like me,



always want to hear

the opinion of individuals like yourself...



to find out what we're doing wrong.



Yeah, right.

How much time do you have?



As much as you want.

After you.



Smells like teen spirit.



Well, this must be my lucky day.



A real non-conformist.

I'm so interested to hear

what else you have to say.



Well, first of all,

I don't understand--



Gosh, that's fascinating.



- Frame.

- I'm waiting.



I'm on to it, Fiona.

You wouldn't believe this place.

It's a cultural wasteland.



Stop making excuses and get

your ass back here with a band.



Tomorrow. I'll have

a new band foryou first thing

in the morning. I swear!



Then you'll still

have a job-- maybe.



Just put this thing up?




Okay, girls, this is it.

Pussycats unplugged.

Let's hear it.



One, two. One, two, three!



Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey.

What do you think

you're doing?



You can't play here.

I've got things to sell.

They're new. They're orange.



- So?

- So, look at you. You're--



Who's gonna come into

my store with you outside?



The last I checked,

this was a free country.



The last I checked,

I was calling the cops.



"Get your ass back here

with a band. "



I'd like to see her

move her ass once, just once.



Like he's really

gonna call the cops.






This is impossible.



Where the hell 

am I supposed to find a--



Hello, ladies.

Wyatt Frame, MegaRecords.



Girls, I can't tell you

how happy I am

to be sitting...



at this table

with the Pussy Hats.






Yes, of course. Of course,

that would explain why

you're not wearing any.






Okay, I speak on behalf

of everyone at the label...



when I say that we'd love for

you to sign with... MegaRecords.



Whoa, wait, whoa.

Don't sign anything.

Don't sign anything.



- Who is this?

- Alexander Cabot Ill.

I'm the Pussycats' manager.



Really? In that case,

you'll be entitled to   %

of everything they make.



-I'm his sister, Alexandra.

Love the accent.

-Thank you.



I used to summer on the continent.

Fancy a snog?



Fancy a mint?



Wait a minute.

You want to sign us?

You've never even heard us play.



Oh! Oh, oh.

I'm sorry. Forgive me.



I thought you were a rock band

that wanted to sign with

a major label. My bad.



- No, no, no!

- No!



No. No. It's--

I didn't know it could

happen this fast.



Well, that's the music biz

for you. If you wait for it to

slow down, it might pass you by.



Look what happened

to the Beastie Boys.



- But they're huge stars.

- I know.



Excuse me.

I have to--



- Bathroom?

- Yeah, me too.



I went before we left.

Good for you.



You should always

try to go to the bathroom

before you leave the house,



even if you don't have to--



Okay, this is crazy.



Beep-beep. Gotta gloss.

It wouldn't hide the mustache.



Honk, honk.




I should be here.

It's a ladies' room.



Nothing I haven't seen before.

Does anyone have change

for a tampon?



I'll be outside.



Does anyone else think

this is a little off?



Like what?

Like that Wyatt guy, for one.



Like how he ordered a triple 

cappuccino and scooped off all the foam.



Why not just get an espresso?



Plus how he kept folding

his napkin like he's afraid he

doesn't have any real friends?



Just people who want

to use him because he's a big music guy.



Yeah. But I was talking

more about the whole record contract thing.



-It is super sudden.

-It is.



But you said it. You said

we have to go out there and

make things happen, and we did.



I know. I just think maybe

we should think about this for a second.




how exciting for you.



You'll get to go away and

make a record, and poor Alan M

wilI have to stay behind...



in Riverdale

all alone with me.



I cannot believe they let you

bring me to the city with you.







I had to tell them that

you're my guitar tech, so--



Guitar tech. Right.



You know what?

I still don't understand why you're here.



- I'm here because I was in the comic book.

- What?









What's up, big butt?



Shut up.



Hey, you guys.

You know how people always

say that this is the life?



I think this is when they say it.



-Private plane.

-Record deal.






Loads ofcash.



Scratch that.

We still poor.



-Pardon? Hang on.

-#I want to know why you are--#






At least I don't think 

I need this anymore.



Riverdale muni bus pass.



Guys, you know what?

We have the only bus-passes with

three people in the picture.



It's not my fault you both

jumped in on mine.



Okay, no, you both

jumped in on mine.



We should keep these.



Remind us where we came from.



Hey, listen, let's promise

each other something...



right here and right now, okay?



No matter what happens--

If we become huge stars...



or if we end up hitchhiking

back to Riverdale,



we will always

be friends first and a band second.



-Friends first.

-Friends first.



-I swear on my bus pass?

-I swear on my bus pass.



Don't worry, Lex.

We're not going to have

any trouble with these girls.



Oh, no.



Geez. It's so huge.



Oh, this is only the beginning.



Are you sure you should be

putting that up already?



I mean, we haven't even 

recorded anything yet.



What if you don't like it?



What if nobody likes it?



Don't worry.

If you screw up, we'll just

put somebody else up there.



-Hey, Wyatt?




They've got our name wrong.




We're not Josie and the Pussycats.



We're just the Pussycats.

Oh, no, Josie's the singer.



The public needs someone

out front to identify with.

Trust me.



Our studies have shown

that bands that have the word

"and" in the title...



sell twice as many records

as those that don't.



What about the Beatles

or the Rolling Stones?



Yes, if you want to split hairs,

yes, of course, obviously.



Yes, yes, but, come on.



Would you be more

interested in a band called

simply the Pussycats,



or are you more likely to

buy a CD or read a comic...



or watch a cartoon

or go and see a movie about

a trio of luscious ladies...



called Josie and the Pussycats?




It does have a nice ring to it.



Oh, yes.






Oh, so sorry, Valerie.

I had no idea you weren't in here.



Ha, ha. Come on.



More coasters.



What did I tell you, Fiona?

It couldn't be better.



Just think Christina Aguliera

times three except one of them

is incredibly tan...



or else T.L.C.

with two white chicks...



or, um, Hole!



Wyatt, I get it without

the stupid analogies.



Put them in the studio tomorrow.

We'll talk later.



The feds are here with some foreigners.

I've got to give them the tour.



- You won't be disappointed.

- I'd better not be.



We can't afford

another Dujour disaster.






I'm sure you're wondering

why Agent Kelly and

the United States government...



would be so interested in what

appears to be a record company.



Well, I'm about

to show you why.



This... is what our operation

really does.



Blue is the new orange.



This is where it starts--

the fads, the fashions,



the product placement.



From this command center,

we control the most influential

demographic of the population.



We decide everything--

from what clothes are in style

to what slang is in vogue.



Feather tank tops,

matching pants. Kind of

a Buffy meets Chicken Run.



Feathers are

the new rhinestones.



The new word for cool

will be "jerkin'," as in,



"Dude, that's jerkin'."

That's dirty.



This is the epicenter

of all trends.



We turn your world into

one giant TV commercial.



But how, you may ask, can

our operation be so effective?



Sure these kids have brains

like Play-Doh,just waiting

to be molded into shape,



but something else

must be going on, right?



The Chinese guy knows

what I'm talking about.



To answer some of your questions,



we've produced a short educational film.






Hello. I'm Eugene Levy,



and, yes, I'm an actor.



And, I said cappuccino.



I'm here to talk to you

about something very important.



No, it's not about me

or my career.



I'm here to talk about

subliminal messages

in rock-and-roll music...



or as it's simply known

in some cultures-- rock music.



For years the government

has been wisely coercing teenagers...



to buy products they normally wouldn't want

just to get their money.



Fact: Kids don't have bills to pay.



Fact: They don't pay taxes,



but they do baby-sit

and hold minimum-wage jobs...



that earn them wads of cash as

thick as, well, my body of work.



But these kids today aren't dumb.



They're not going

to buy just anything.



That's why the government has

been planting small subliminal

advertising suggestions...



in today's rock music.



The results?

We can now get these kids

to buy just about anything.



We can have them chasing

a new trend every week,



and that is good

for the economy.



What's good for the economy

is good for the country.



So God bless the United States ofAmerica,



the most ass-kickin' country in the world.



How can you control the rock bands?



What if they find out

about the hidden messages

in their music?



Ever wonder why so many rock

stars die in plane crashes?



Overdose on drugs!



We've been doing this

a long time.



If they start to get too curious,

our options are endless.



Bankruptcy, shocking scandals,

religious conversions.



We've created a highly-rated TV show...



just to explain what happens to these people.






The walls are mushy.



We brought some equipment in.



I assume it's to yourliking.



They're brand new.



I like this.

It's got shiny knobs.



No. No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.



No, no, no, no, no.

That we do not touch.



It's only the most expensive

piece of equipment

in the studio.



The Megasound     .



Although the name sounds

ominous, it's actually

just a high-tech processor.



How does it work?

Why do you need to know that?



What is it, a big secret or something?



A big secret.

Wyatt's got a secret.



It's not a secret. Stop it.

I'll tell you. I'll show you.



Play a little something for me, would you?



Perfect! Now, this will

just take a moment.



And now I'll play it back with megasound.



Is that us?



It sounds so--



- I want a Big Mac.

- What?



Mel, you're a vegetarian.



I know, but suddenly I want one. Maybe

on the way back to the hotel?



Okay, as long as we can

stop by Foot Locker too.



I'm dying for a pair

of old-school Tretorns.



Jerkin' Tretorns are the new Adidas.



Ladies, now should l drop you

back at Riverdale Mall, or re

you ready to make a record?



Come on!



One, two. One, two, three.



This is the best CD ever!



Yeah, and I want some Gatorade.

Gatorade is the new Snapple!



- This must be a misprint.



- Yea!

- Wait!



Does anyone else think

it's a little strange that

all this happened in a week?






Who are you?



We know them!



Eww! We do!



Oh, my God! We love you.

We're like your biggest fans!



- No, you're not. You hate us.

- Are you crazy?



Josie and the Pussycats

are our new favorite band of all time!



Josie and the Pussycats

are the new Dujour!



Wanna see our Pussycat tattoo?

Look it!



That was way too weird.



Weird? What's the point

of being famous...



if the people you hated in high school

don't want to kiss your ass?



You're lucky.



Most people have to wait

till their ten-year reunion

for that sort of revenge.



You're just going

to have to get used to people

throwing themselves at you.



And, talking of throwing,



Fiona, the head of MegaRecords,

is throwing a huge party

tonight in your honor,



a celebration of all things Josie.



- Um, Wyatt?

- Hmm?



- Don't I get one?

- Oh, that is strange.



Why don't you come along too?

There's always room

for one more.



How about us?




Wow. A party.

That's, um--



That's, uh--

That's kind of cool.



But is it as "kind of cool" as playing

your own stadium concert?



Oops! I promised Fiona

she could tell you. Damn.



We're playing a stadium concert?

This weekend.



Shouldn 't we maybe play

some small clubs first?



Maybe do a few gigs in Europe.

Build a following.



You have a following.

Honestly, "J."



I wouldn't send you out there

if I didn't think you could deliver.



It would only make me look bad

But this is the whole deal:



simultaneous pay-per-view

web cast, live streaming video,



millions of little people

paying good money just to watch you.



Well, I'm sure

your bandmates are tres excited.



Right, Melly-Mel?

Our first concert ever.

Thanks, Wyatt.



Don't thank me.

Thank Fiona.



It washer idea.

It's been part of her plan

for you from the start.



Operation Big Concert,



where we finally take things

to the next level.



When Josie and the Pussycats

play their stadium concert,

all the kids in the audience,



as well as the ones watching at home, 

wilI have to purchase these.



It's the debut of  -D-X surround sound,



a new technology that

makes the music feel like

it's happening all around ou,



Iike  -D.



Gentlemen, a demonstration.



This is what those kids

think they're hearing on those headsets.



This is what they're really hearing.




Free willis overrated.

Jump on the bandwagon.



That voice.

I know that voice.

It's, um--



- It's Mr. Moviefone.

- Yes!



He does all our subliminal tracks.



There is no such place as Area   .



Excellent work, Fiona.

These kids will never

know what hit 'em.



- And neither will you.

- I'm sorry. What was that?



- Huh? What?

- You just said something.



No, I didn't.

Yes, you did.



No, I didn't.

Yes, you did.



I said, "These kids will never

know what hit 'em," and then you

said, "And neither will you."



- I did?

- We all heard you.



Oh-- Well--



What I meant to say was,



"And neither will you guys."



Meaning the teenagers.



I was just emphasizing my point.



Oh. Oh, okay.

Great. Thanks.



That was close.

Excuse me?



I was going to say,

"That was... close...



"to being

a... really nice moment...



between the two of us."



Don't you think?

Yeah, well, I guess.



I have to be getting back

to the Pentagon, so--



Toni Tennille and l--

we wrote all the songs together.



Captain just played the piano.



It was my idea to have him

wear that hat.



I said, "How you

gonna be a captain

if you don't wear a hat?"



We did make some beautiful music 

together though.



A big song-- The one I was 

mostly responsible for was...



"Love Will Keep Us Together."



Well, guess what. It didn't.



Guess after a while, you know,

they didn 't want to share

the spotlight no more.



Sometimes that stuff happens.



I can still remember,

though, Captain always said,



"Friends first. The band second."



I wish I'd have got that in writin'.



Oh, no.



That's better.



Oh, my God, I am so sorry.



I totally, totally forgot.



We have to go to

this record party thing

with the head ofthe label.



- What's the matter?

- Nothing. It just, uh--



You look so, uh--



You cannot make fun of me.

They sent this dress over.

I did not pick it out.



But l cut up the front,

and l made wristbands.



It looks stupid, doesn't it?



No, no, no. No. I--



I've just--

I've never seen you-- Wow!



Finish your sentences.



Is that a good wow or a bad wow?



Oh, no, no. It's, uh--

It's a good wow.



It's a-- it's a--

it's a very good wow.






-Actually, would you mind?

There's a-- 

-Mind what?



There's a chain thing

that I can't figure out really.



Oh, right.

Right, um-- Okay.






That's, um--

that's down here.



A little complicated.



Josie, are you ready?

The door was open. I hope

I'm not interrupting anything.



- Hey, Alec N,

how's it hanging?

- Actually, it's Alan M.



Yes, what's with the initial?

It didn't work for Sheila E.,

and it doesn't work for you.



Josie, we don't want to be late

for the hottest and most

exclusive party of the year.



There's free cable.






Um, I was wondering,

d-d-did you want to

do something tomorrow?







- :  ?

-No can do. Taping E.



- Oh.  :  .  :  .




-  :  .

-  :  .



-  :  .

- Sold to the young man with no future.



Come on,Josie.

There's a limo waiting.

Goodnight, Adam   .



- Trot on.

- Actually, it's Alan M.



Look at them staring at us.

No one thinks I should be here.



That's totally what they're thinking.



Look at them staring at Josie.



No one thinks I should be here.

That's totally what they're thinking.



Ladies and gentlemen,

the head of MegaRecords...



and the host of your party,




Isn't she fabulous?



I'm Fiona.

Welcome to your party!



Enough spectacle.

Let's go be girls!



This is my girly room.

No boys allowed.



Come on, girls. Sit down.

We'll gossip.






Isn 't he just the cutest?



He's pretty cute.










Come on!



Oh, I am starved!



I'm such a pig.



N-No. No, you're not.



So,Josie, how much do you weigh?

Excuse me?



Your weight!




Ha!    .

I'm three pounds lighter than you.



But don't worry about it.

I think you look great.



Tho pretty and popular.



What did you just say?



Nothing. I thaid

the new thong's pretty popular.



What "thong"?



The new thong.

The new thingle.



I'm thorry.

I have thomething caught in my teeth.



Got it.



So, who wants to French braid?



Okay, so who else thinks

that Fiona's a freak?



Oh, my God. I'm so glad

you said something, because

as soon as you said her name,



I got the most awful sensation,



Iike this ice-cold chill

creeping up my spine.



Oh, sweetie, that's 'cause

you're sitting on the O.






No. I still got

the shivers, you guys.



It's not the O.

It's her.



I don't know.

What do you think, Val?



Stuff's definitely been... different

since we left Riverdale.



And, if you ask me,

some things feel like

they've changed completely.



- Wyatt.

- Hmm?



I don't like those two

pussycats. They're asking

questions, and that's dangerous.



We can't afford to take

any more risks.



I'll get rid of them,

have a new band by the morning.




Think, Wyatt.



We've already sold

half a million of the Josie ears

for a big concert.



Right. Yes. So we have.

So what are you suggesting?



Keep Josie, and put those two

nosy little pussycats to sleep.






I don't think Josie will

play without her friends.



Oh? I think

we might persuade her.




Next, on Behind the Music,



Josie suffers a tragic loss.



The city aquarium holds more

than     varieties ofsea life.



Josie, did I tell you I got a gig tonight?



-You did?

That's great!

-Yeah, well,



it'sjust this bar,

but the manager--

I played him my demo,



and he said

I could have, like, almost

a full half-hour tonight.



Do you think maybe you want to come, or--




'Cause I know you're busy and everything.



Oh, my God.

Is that Josie?

Where? Josie!






Yeah, no problem.



How am I gonna pull this off?






I'm a girl from Riverdale,

you know? I'm--



I'm not a rock star.



Jose, you've been

dreaming about this your whole life.



I know, it's just--






I'm scared.



Don't be. You gotta

believe in yourself.



What if I can't?






then I guess I'll just have to

 believe in you for you.



Oh, wow.



Oh, wow!



So, what do you think

we should open with

for the concert--



'Spin Around', or maybe 'Come On' ?



Uh, I don't know.



We could try RolI On, Rolly Wheel,



but, honestly, l think

the lyrics still need work.



What do you think?



It's your call.

I mean, you're the boss.



No, I'm not.

Val, what's with you?



Hello, girls! And how are

the most beautiful and talented

women in rock-and-roll?




Don't you mean "woman"?



Valerie, my darling,

you're going to have to learn

to take a compliment.



I mean, what are you going to do

tonight when you go on TRL...



and Carson Daly tells you

how much he loves your music?



Don't you mean, what's Josie gonna do?



No, because she won't be there.

We just booked you and Melody.



It's time for the world

to get to know the other Pussycats.



We're gonna be on TRL ?




Do I get to touch Carson?

Anywhere you like.



The taping's in two hours,

unless, ofcourse,

you have a problem with this.



Do you have a problem with this?



No! I think you guys will

have a great time.

I love that show.



And-- and you don't mind

if Mel and I go without you?



Why? I don't care about that stuff.






Oh, I'm so sorry!



I don't know what I was thinking.




Come on, girls. There are

stylists and designers waiting in your room.



And you have homework tonight.

This is the remix of your next single.



- I'd be very curious

to hear your thoughts.

- Could it wait until tomorrow?



It's just that Alan M is

playing his first gig tonight,

and l wanna get there early.



Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry,Josie.

I forgot to tell you.



Alan M called my office.

They canceled his show.



- They did?

- Yes.



Why didn't he call me here?



Um, I'm sure he did.

In fact,



I'm sure if you go down

to the front desk, there'll be

a message waiting foryou.



Excuse me.



Yes, there's a message

waiting for you... now.



I guess I should call him.



Um .. he also said to say

that he won't be available

for several hours,



and he'll call you when he can.



- All that was on the message?

- Uh, yes. Excuse me.



Yes, that's all in the message.

Anything else?



Who do you keep calling?



I'm running a label here, Josephine.



I have other artists

who need me, other artists who need my time,



other artists who aren't

so difficult about putting in

a little bit ofextra work.



Your level of non-commitment

is making me doubt

your commitment commitment.



So, you wanna be

a rock superstar, eh--



Live large, big house,

five cars?



Well, you have to do the time.



Otherwise, somebody else will,



and you'll be left

to explain it all to Mel and Val.



I am committed.



I am.



Yes, I hope so,

my darling.



I hope so.



- Val, we're on TRL !

- Hey, check out the view!



It's fake.



Wow. This stuff looks

so different on TV.



All this stuff is fake.

Where is everybody?

Where's Carson?



Yo, kittycats!

How you ladies doin'?

I'm Carson Daly. Welcome.



You're not Carson Daly.



What are you talkin' about?

Of course I'm Carson Daly.

Check the nails.



You need to call me.

I got plans.



All right.

Is everybody ready to start the show?



- Oh, my God, it's Carson!

- Oh, my God, it's Melody!



Yo, man, you gotta

stop tryin' to be me

with the nails thing.



-What you sayin', man?

A brother can't be Carson Daly?

-No, that's not what I'm sayin'.



It's just that

I actually am Carson Daly,

so it doesn't work right now.



Who's gonna break my "gazoons,"

man? I'm Carson Daly.



That's pretty good, man.

Who else do you do?



I do Mike Tyson.

I would take a bite outta you.



Okay, what is going on?

Are you-- Is this TRL or not?



This is not

TotaI Request Live.



It's more like

TotaI Request Dead.



Yeah, you see, ladies, we've

only got one request today.

And that's to kill you.



Carson said he's

gonna to kill us.



Like that's a request.



- All right, man,

I got the blond.

- He's not kidding.






Um, this, uh--



this next song is

dedicated to, uh--



a friend of mine.



I kinda wanted to wait

till she showed up to play it,

but I guess she--






Um, the name of this song is,

uh, 'Wish You Felt the Same'.






Shut up or hold it

till you get home!



Who do you want to kill you,

huh? Eddie Murphy?

Eddie told me,



"I want them Josie girls dead,

all right? You get them

a nurse. I want them dead!"



I can't believe you're a killer!



- You seem so nice on TV!

- Really?



You know, l always thought

you were kinda hot.

Too bad!



- I always thought

you were kinda hot too.

- You did?



-What's your sign?




I'm a Cancer.



Da pussycats.



Da pussycats.

I gotta kill ya. Good lawd!



- What was that?

- It was Chris Rock.



That was a terrible Chris Rock.



Why do you even bother

doing impressions?

You're not funny.



You know who's funny?

Bill Cosby.



And he's going

to kill you...



after sticking a spoon

in your pudding.



No way!

My favorite movie is

Lady and the Tramp.



When the dogs are

eating spaghetti and

they share the same piece?



And their noses touch!



You know, if I wasn't

a key player in this whole...



conspiracy to brainwash

the youth of America

with pop music,



Iike, we could totally date.



- You think?

- Oh, yeah.



You know, it would be

so cool, like--



Yeah, right.

Like I'd ever go out

with a guy like you.



Now, you,

on the other hand--



Come on.

Let's get outta here

and find Josie.






Josie? Josie, quick,

open the door!






Jo-- Josie?



-Josie, we have to talk to you.

- How did they let

the two of you in here?



I specifically told

the front desk "no visitors."



- Are you okay?

- Of course I'm okay.

Why wouldn't I be?



I have the number-one single

in the country.



You two, on the other hand--



should maybe be a little worried.



Josie, Carson Daly tried

to kill us, and I think it has

something to do with our music.



Why do you call it...

"our" music?




Are you even listening?



I am listening

very carefully,



and do you know

what I'm hearing?



I'm hearing someone

glomming on to my talent...



and my credit.



"Our" music, Mel?

I basically write all of it.



Josie, no, you don't.

We write it together.



Oh, okay.

So if we're all doing

equaI amounts ofwork,



why isn't the band called

Valerie and the Pussycats?



I knew it.

You've been thinking this

the whole time.



I'm just-- I'm just

backup to you, huh?



Oh, but you're

a good, solid backup.



Oh, hey, Val,

who's a rock star?



Who's a rockstar?



I am!



Josie, don't do this.



We need to

stick together now.



Oh, my God.

Melody's gonna cry.



What's the matter,

snuggle bunny--



finally realizing

the world isn't all

sunshine and rainbows?



Stop it.

Not everyone gets

a happy ending, muffin.



Stop it.

And you wanna know what else?



Puppies turn into dogs...



who get old and die.



Someday you'll thank me.



Of course, by then

I won't be taking your calls.



You are the star! Val and

Melody are mean, evil girls!



You should have a solo career!



You have the number-one single

in the country!



They're trying to glom on to

your talent and your credit!



If they're doing

equaI amounts ofwork,



why isn't the band called

Valerie and the Pussycats?



They're just dead weight,




You could be huge without them.

You are the star.



Madonna huge.

Val and Melody are mean, evil girls.



Melody thinks you can't sing.

Seriously. She told me.



Dump them. The are trying

to destroy you,Josie.



You'll be better off

without them.



Who's a rock star?

You are!

A great big rock star!



Go,Josie, go! Go!



- Val!

- Oh, the return of the superstar!



What's going on?

And where are Mel and Val?



Since when you do you care?

Oh, and we heard what you said,

Bitchy McBitch.



- Wish I'd said it.

- They're gone,Josie.



They're gone,

and l hope you're happy.

No more band.



Just like the Beatles.

Just like the Jackson Five.

Just like a Flock of Seagulls.



- These are so good.

You want one of these?

- Okay, look,



I never thought

I would say this toyou,



ever, but, please ...

would you help?









Wyatt gave me this CD

of our song,



and it was like

as soon as I heard it--

I don't know.



What-- it sucked?



There's something on here,

I swear.



Okay, okay, okay.



You should have a solo career!



You could have your own

prime-time TV series!



We could call it Josie,

and run it right after

Will and Grace !



Oh, my God! That's

Mr. Moviefone! How did you

get him to put that on there?



You slept with him!



What are you talking about?

This is on our CD

It's underneath the music.



Wyatt put them on there...

to brainwash me.



Ooh, brainwashing!



Ooh, help!

We're being brainwashed!



Diet Coke's

the new Pepsi One.



"MS. " Main-- main system.



Music sequence?



Oh, God.



Maybe you broke it.

Whoa, I didn't touch it.



Josie and the Pussycats are

the best band ever!



Theyare totally jerkin '!

You must buy their CD



You have to see them in concert.



You also have to buy

Steve Madden shoes.



Heath Ledger is the new Matt Damon.



You're nobody without

an Abercrombie & Fitch vintage tee.



They're selling stuff

through our music.



Josie and the Pussycats are

the best band ever!



They're selling US through our music!



I knew there was a reason

you were so popular.



I want a vintage tee...

and Heath Ledger.



Oh, my God.



It's all my fault ...




people dressing alike,

buying the same stuff.



I sold it to them.



I'm a trend pimp.



Well, it stops here!

I'm nobody's pimp,



and I'm not going to let Wyatt

and Fiona get away with this.



We're going to the police,

and we're taking this with us.



Are you guys gonna

help me or what?



Oh, I'll help.

Yeah, right.



'Cause you know I'm just gonna

let you walk right outta here

and spoil everything.



All right, now the event

I know everybody's been

waiting for is finally here.



One night only,

the worldwide live debut concert

of Josie and the Pussycats.



And, oh, very cool,

it's gonna be live

at the "Megarena"...



with a simultaneous

global web cast.



You can log on to

for more details.

And remember:



You will not hear a thing

without your Josie

 -D-X headphones,



so I urge you all

to pick some up--

I know I bought two.






Oh, look at the pouty girl.




Well, you better

snap out of it, red, 'cause

you've got a show to put on!



Are you kidding?

I'm not gonna play, help you

send messages to those kids.



- Forget it. I'm done.

- Oh, look who's got all

principled all ofa sudden.



You didn't seem to mind when

your song went to number one!



You should kiss

my cellulite-free ass

for all I've done foryou.



I made you a rock star.



Tell me you don't love that.



I said forget it, all right?

Now, find yourself another girl.



Yeah, see, I would,



but everybody's already here!



- Josie! Josie!

- Too bad.



- Wyatt.




- Val, Mel!

- Don't talk to her.

You're wasting your time.



Miss Diva over here doesn't care

if you do something to us.



No, that's not true.

You guys, just listen to me.



I didn't mean

any of that stuff

that I said before.



Fiona and Wyatt have put

subliminal message tracks

underneath our music--



Can it, rusty.

Your story's boring.



Wyatt, why don't you show these

two lovely ladies what we have

for them this evening?



Gladly, my darling.



- A car!

Val, I won a car!

- No, you didn't win a car.



- Oh, my God, you won a car!

- No one won a car!



The car... is about to be

a part of history...



if you decide

not to play tonight.



Hi, I'm Serena Altschul

with MTV breaking news.



Josie and the Pussycats'

debut concert was

unexpectedly canceled...



when an automobile exploded

in the stadium parking lot.



The passengers were

identified as Valerie Brown

and Melody Valentine,



two of the founding members

of the popular rock band.



Investigators on the scene were

quoted a ssaying the two died

a slow, fiery death...



inside the four-wheeled

hell pit.



We're told that Josie will

be releasing a statement...



to the press within the hour

to comment on this tragedy.




what are your comments?

We're all gagging to know.



Roast your friends,

or play the show?



Play your show?

Roast the friends?

What's it to be?



All right!



I'll play.



See, Val?

She still likes us!



Mel, of course I do.

You guys are my best friends

on the planet.



Look, I know that friends

don't treat each other

the way I treated you guys.



But you've got to believe me.

If l could just go back in time,

I would take it all back.



That would be cool.

If I could go back in time,

I'd wanna meet Snoopy.



Mel, I love that about you!



I love that you think

that everything is possible...



and that this world is

such a great place,

because you know what?



It is.



And I'm so sorry if,

for one second, I made you

think that it wasn't.



And Val-- Val,



you bought me my first guitar.



And, you know, we may have

started this band together,



but the only reason we've

come this far is because ofyou.



Now, look.

I don't care if we're

Josie and the Pussycats,



or Valerie and the Pussycats

or whoever and the Pussycats.



It doesn't matter

as long as we're together.



You're my sister, Val.

Ilove you.



I love you too,Jose.



- And I love you, Val.

And I love you,Josie.

- And I love you, Mel.



And I--

I scream, you scream,

we all scream for ice cream.



Everyone loves everyone.



Now, let's get

this show started!



We want the show!

We want the show!



So, what is it

this time, Fiona--




pizza bagels, lip gloss?



Oh, it's bigger--

much, much bigger.



You're gonna have a pretty hard

time selling secret messages

once your secret's out.



Oh, and tell me, cookie--

who will believe you?



Who will get behind

the ridiculous ramblings

of one silly, powerless girl?



We will.



Who the hell are you?



Someone you thought

you'd gotten rid of.



- Oh, my God,

it's Les from Dujour!

- Les?



I tried to warn you--

the message on your mirror.



That was you?

Dujour was in my bathroom!



I love you, Les!



-But I thought you guys were

killed in a plane crash.

-That's what I thought. Wyatt?



Oh, well, we managed

to land the plane just fine.




it was in the parking lot

ofa Metallica show.



Well, the fans beat

the crap out of us.



Well, you don't look

too bad.



And I thank God every day

I knew the words to 'Enter Sandman'.



Word, Doc. She's not

gonna get away with it--

not this time.



Let's get 'em, boys,







Oh, now, come on!



Boy, you almost got me.




girls all over the world

would kill to be in your shoes,



and here you stand,

running away from it.






So you could go crawling back

to "Shitdale" and spend

the rest of your life...



being washed up

with your loser friends,

dopey and mopey there?



- That's it.



Just stop right there, missy.



Wyatt, you messed

with the wrong pussy.



- You want some?

Come on. Bring it!

- No, no!



No, baby, no! Let go!

Let go! Let go!









What are you gonna do--

kill me with the guitar?



Who's gonna go up there

and sing? You need me, remember?



Need you?

Doll, I created you,



and, believe me,

I can destroy you.



- I'm sorry.

Did you need that?

- Wyatt! Fix it!



You-- what's yourjob?

Fix this!



Oh, it's too late!

They're already taking off the ears!



Fiona is the most jerkin' girl

in the world!



Everybody loves Fiona!

She's got the best hair

and the most awesome clothes!



And she's so thin!

I know I want to be just like Fiona!



That's the secret message

that you wanted to send out--

that you're cool?






- That's not me, I swear.

- You're not doing it right!



Hey, that's my job!



lf l wath a guy,

I'd athk her out.



- If l wath a girl, I'd want to

be her be tht friend forever.

- What's wrong with your voice?



We'd have thlumber parties and

thtay up braiding each otherth

hair and have tickle fights!



Oh, thure.



Go ahead and laugh.



You don't know what it'th like

to be teathed and ridiculed

your whole life.



The thells thilver thwans

down by the theathore.

Theven thilver--



The thwims--



I tried, didn't I?



AIl l ever wanted wath

to be popular.



- Tell me, ith that tho bad?

- Lisa?



- What did you call me?

- Lisa Snyder?



"Lithping Litha"?



That-That-That wath

my nickname in thchool.



Huntington High School.



Lisa, it's me-- Wally.

"White-ass Wally."



White-ath Wally?

The albino kid?

That'th impothible.



- Firtht ofall,

he wathn't Britith.

- I'm not.



I just started talking

like that because...



I thought it would

make me more attractive.



- He wath tho pale.

- Makeup.



I-I-I learned to thpeak

without a lithp.









I can't believe it'th you.

I thn't it the thtrangetht







Oh, I've been holding that in

for the past    years.



This is so romantic.



Yeah, in a... creepy,

ironic sort ofway.



So, what's the moral

of the story here--



freaks should date other freaks?



No, I think the moral

of the story here is you should

be happy with who you are.



This whole time we've been

spending money on expensive

clothes to impress people.



Never made me happy.

No! Happ-- Oh, my gosh.



Happiness is on the inside.

I'm not this.

I'm not what I wear.



I'm not what I wear!



You should think about this.



Oh, please.

Unlike you bunch of wackjobs,

l am perfect just as l am.



Holy shit!

That girl's got a skunk

on her head!



Oh, geez.

That's just your hair.

Sorry, but that's messed up.



- Who are you?

- I'm Agent Kelly.

I'm with the government.



Oh, thank God!

Did you know...



that Fiona and Wyatt are using

that machine to send subliminal

messages through our music?



They're trying to create

an army of mindless teenagers,



to make them buy things and

even control their thoughts.

They what?



Oh, come on.

You knew about thith

from the very beginning.



- Gentlemen, arrest

that woman and that man...

- What?



on charges of conspiracy

against the youth of America.



- You can't be theriouth.

- Oh, I'm serious, ma'am.



This is a very serious offense.



Sorry, but they're on to us.

Somebody's got to take the fall.



You bathtard!



Besides, after the concert,

we were gonna shut down

your operation anyway.



We found

that subliminal messages

work much better in movies.



All right, let's go.



Well, now that you girls are

done saving the world,



I think you have

a concert to play.



Give it up for

Josie and the Pussycats!



Josie! Josie!

Josie! Josie!



I'm gonna take these off.






I know you all came out here

tonight because you heard

something you liked on our CD



We're gonna play something

different for you tonight--

something you haven't heard.



It's cool if you like it.

It's all right if you don't.




decide for yourselves.



This is for someone

who said he believed in me.



Kinda wish he was here now.



Josie! Josie!



- Alan M!




- What are you doing here?

- I have to tell you that...



even though you don't feel

the same way about me...



as l do about you,

and even though

you didn't come to my gig--



What do you mean?

Wyatt told me it was canceled!



That dick!



What did you mean about

the I-don't-feel-the-same-way-




That's what I came here to tell you!

Josie McCoy, I--



I love you!



I love you too!

I always have!










I love you.



Contain the excitement.



Why'd you have to hit me, man?

It was just never gonna stop.



Can you see me and

my nose on the microphone?



From this command center

we control everything...



except what I'm gonna say next.



I can't even believe

that they let me bring--



You slept with him!



You better get his mama

to get him a new face.




You know my mom's dead.

That's just--



Next up on weather--



What is wrong with you?



Goodness, won't somebody

please save us?



Hey, those are my bunny ears!






This is what our operation--

I just spat right in the camera.



Yeah, right. 'Cause you know

I'm just gonna--



Jerkin '!




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