Kicking and Screaming Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Kicking and Screaming script is here for all you fans of the Will Ferrell soccer movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Kicking & Screaming quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Kicking & Screaming Script

I was born a baby.

A blank slate.

Thinking I was in control
of my own destiny.

And then I met my father.

You better be good
at this stuff.

In college, I wasn't
the most gifted athlete.

But in order to
please my dad,

I strived to be
the very best.

Oh. Little help,
already out of control.

I'm losing vision,
it's blackness.

You guys here,
you might want to
move out of there,

I gotta let go of this thing.

Look out! For Pete's sake!



How far was that

Foot and three inches.

Hope you boys are ready.
See you at the finish line.

There's a--
There's a rabid cheetah
in Lane 2 here.

Runners take your mark.
Get set!

Hold on! Wait!



I got it, right
below the knee, the nub.

Oh, that hurts!



No, no, no, no.
Your day's over, Phil.

Yes, I was quite the athlete.


So much so,
that I caught the eye

of the prettiest girl
in school.

Oh. Are you all right


Sorry about that.

Yeah, it's no prob.

There's a horrible wind.

Uh, no, there isn't.

There is o-over there.

[You're The Inspiration
by Chicago playing]


 You know our love was
meant to be 

Dad Hey, Dad!
Barbara said "yes."

Hey, Son.

This is Janice.
I met her at the A&P.


[Janice giggles]

We're gonna get married.

Can I talk to you



Be right back.

Nice to meet you, Barbara.
Heard a lot about you.

It's nice to meet you.

She's great-looking.
What you talking about
She's terrific.

You're getting married

Look, Phil,
I'm lonely. I'm a man.

It hasn't been easy for me
since your mom died.

She didn't die,
she divorced you.

Um, tomatoes, tomatoes.
You know.


One year later,
on the proudest day
of my life,

he was right there
by my side.

There he is,
your grandson, Sam.

7 pounds, 6 ounces.

Oh, by the way,
he had a son
on the same day.

Take a gander
at your brother, Bucky.

7 pounds, 7.

Just a little bit bigger.


[Run Around
by Blues Traveler playing]

Welcome to my life.

 Is it a sure-fire way
to speed things up 

 When all it does
is slow me down 

[engine revving]

[tires screeching]

Excuse me.
Hey, y-you didn't need
to take up two spots.

Actually, I do.
Look at the size of
this bad boy, huh

This is cute though, huh
You're saving the environment
for all of us.

Go hemp!



[children yelling]

Okay, boys. Okay.
Keep it down. Keep it simple.

Hey, honey.

Where've you been
It's a tie game,
it's almost over.

Oh, l-l-I'm sorry.

I--I just...
I got caught at work

and then I had to park
in the far parking lot.

Let's go, Gladiators!

Go, Bucky!

[children yelling]

Hey, where's Sam

He's on the bench.

Okay, Bucky, let's go!

You're kidding me.

Go Bucky! Finish it off!
Finish it off!

Come on, Bucky!

Yay, Bucky! Bucky!

[all cheering]

Okay, Bucky.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

That's my boy, Bucky!
Attaboy, Bucky!

Hey, big guy, how'd it go

It went great.
Bench is nice and warm.

I'm gonna see what I can do
about that, okay

We'll see you
back at the house, Dad.

You played great, Son.
You played great.

I'm proud of you.

Come on, buddy.

Hi, you guys.

Oh, Barb.

Hey, look who's here.
Two of my favorite people,
and Phil.

Very funny, Dad.
Haven't heard
that one before.

Hey, Buck.

I see you got a new case
for the Pele ball.

That's my ball.

Get away from that.
Don't--Don't get any ideas.
Don't even touch it.

(male announcer)
And now...
Watch this.

an important message
from the King.

Hi, I'm Buck Weston,
King of Sporting Goods.

You can save...

big on all kinds of balls.

Basketballs, footballs,

hockey pucks, baseballs...

Those acting lessons
really paid off.

Yeah, I got four stores now,
and I'm opening a fifth
next month

in your neck of the woods.

You sure you
don't want a job

I got a job, Dad.

Oh, yeah, what
Selling--Selling vitamins

In fact, you need to take
more vitamins.

I take a vitamin every day,
it's called a steak.

Now look,
I came up with this myself,
look at this.

I'm Buck Weston.

And he's got balls!

Pretty good, huh
What do you think

I think this is
your best commercial yet.

It was pretty good.

Gripping. Gripping.

[machine humming]

Stay away from that, okay

Here we go again.

Hey, Ditka!
Will you knock it off

Hey, knock it off,
would you


Hey, do that later,
would you, please

I got company!

[humming stops]

Doing my lawn.

Look, we're trying to have
a nice family gathering,
all right

I'm trying to get
my yard cleaned.

You're messing up my yard.
Let me-- Let me ask you.

The world's gotta stop
'cause you got
a family gathering

I'm trying to do my lawn!
Yeah, but you put all your--


Hey, stay out of this.
It's between us, okay

Here, take some of this back,
'cause I don't want it.

Hey! Knock it off!
It's all for you!

You're nuts!
Guys, guys!

How do you like that, Ditka

Take it back.

Here, you get
the whole thing!


We'll settle this later,

Yeah, you know
where to find me!

Yeah, exactly.

I got this for you, too!
Get out of here!

Phil, come on.

What are you lookin' at

Dad, he hit me.
He hit me with the ball.

Hey, Dad, what happened
to all your fish

That one ate the others.
I call him "Killer."



I like it.


You might wanna
clean the water
every now and then.

Let's see what you can do.

Hey, Dad,
I didn't know if...

I wanted to
talk to you about Sam.

Sammy's a good boy.

Yeah. Yeah.


He hasn't been
playing much lately
and, I didn't know if--

Stop right there.
I agree with you.

And I got some
great news.

He's gonna get
a lot more
playing time now.

Dad, thanks,
that's--that's exactly
what I wanted to hear.

I traded him
to the Tigers.

[glass shattering]

Ooh, hey!


You traded
your own grandson

Well, I didn't actually
get anything for him.

You know that cost $
I can't believe it.

W-What, you
calling me a liar
I'll show you the receipt.

No, l-I'm talking
about Sam!

W-Why didn't you
just play him more

He is going to
play more, Philly--

Yeah, for another team!

You--You--You care
about winning that much

Look, Phil,
I'm not just
coaching soccer.

I'm building men.

Okay, yeah.

Hey, hey, hey.

It's an impressive shot.

But, you know,
I want Sam to have fun.

This isn't the big leagues.

For those who live
between Broadway
and Grandville,

between the ages
of 10 and 12,

who are free
on Sundays and Tuesdays,

this is the big leagues.

But what about Sam

Sam, you saw him
out there today.
It breaks my heart.

At best,
he's a benchwarmer.

Wow! Oh!

Oh, Killer! Killer!

How did that happen


Hey, Sam,
you wanna give us a minute

Need a little adult time.


[door closes]


Of all the asinine things
my dad has done,

this is by far
the most asinine.

I mean, I know he's
the most competitive man
in the world.

But this beats them all.
I'm angry.

I'm--I'm spitting angry!

I'm like a tornado of anger,
swirling about!

My heart rate is
dangerously high right now.

I'm glad it happened,


What do you mean

Where did my wife go
Are you a robot

Are you a robot-woman

I--I am not a robot.

Phil, honey,
I know this is
upsetting, okay,

but you have to try to
find the positive in this.

It was unhealthy
for Sam to play
on your dad's team.

Now he'll play
for the Tigers

and have some fun.

Okay, look,
you're too upset about this.

So, I'll tell him, okay

No, no, no,
no, no, no, l...

I need to tell him.






Boy, did that hurt my face.

[knocking on door]



What are you doing

Internet dating

Mail-order bride

Just kidding.

Look, uh, I got
some good news.

I got you put on a new team.

I'm not on the Gladiators


You're on the Tigers.


The Tigers

They're in last place.

Yeah, but you're gonna get
more playing time.

Did Grandpa trade me


Yes, wait.
I'm happy this is happening.

This is a good thing.

You know, it doesn't seem
like a good thing,

but it's a good thing.
Trust me.

You do not wanna be
the kid

that's on the other end
of the bench.

You do not
want to be that kid.

'Cause I know that kid.

You don't wanna be him.


You don't wanna be the kid
who has such suppressed rage

that his heart's about
to burst through his chest.


You don't wanna
be the kid that
when he thinks about

what his dad did to him...


I know that kid. I know.

That kid lives right here
in this house!





He doesn't know what to do.
He doesn't--



Yes. Good.

Coach Benson will be
good for you.
He knows his stuff.

I bet you this whole thing
is gonna turn out to be

a blessing in disguise.

Hey, the Tigers
may be in last place,

but those guys
look pretty good.

Dad, those
aren't the Tigers.

They're not even
wearing blue.

The Tigers are
over there.

I'm having a baby.
Oh, I'm having a baby.

No hitting the baby.

No, no, don't hit
my precious baby.


Oh, look,
it's gonna come out!
It's gonna come out! Oh!

Cut it out!

Oh, it's gonna come out!


Hi, excuse me. Uh,
Coach Benson around

Yeah, you all know
Phil Weston

Oh, yeah.

Hey, welcome to the team,
little fellow.

Why don't you go
join those other kids
over there

Yeah, go ahead.

There's a moving truck
in front of Benson's house.

Did you hear
The pressure of
coaching got to him.

He cracked.

How could he crack
We're only one game
into the season.

All right,
Tigers, it's game time.

Oh, but we're waiting
for our coach.

Well, then one of you
will have to coach.

Yeah, but I had
talked to Coach Benson,
we're brand new--

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
All right.

Find yourself a coach,
or the Tigers forfeit.


Where do I know you from

I've been your neighbor
for seven years.

No, that ain't it.

No, that's definitely it.

I'll figure it out.

So, who's gonna coach

We got Mark into soccer,
'cause we wanted
to take a break.

I didn't think I'd be
coaching the little bugger.

I just got laid off.
I'm looking for a job

so it's hard enough
to drag myself out of bed.

So, uh, we forfeit.

So, we're forfeiting

No, no, no, no. Uh,

you know what,
l--I can coach.

Well, that's swell!

Just for one game.

Right. It's game time.
Get your team on the field.

Who are we playing

How about
you use your eyes

Oh, great.

All right, guys. Everybody up.
Let's go, come on.

Let's go, come on. Lift them.
Lift them. Hey, hey, hey.

[people clapping]


What are you doing here
Where's Benson

Oh, Benson's a no-show.
I'm gonna coach
the Tigers today.

Ooh. You sure
you wanna do that

How you doing, Buck

Players take the field.
Good luck, Buck.

Yeah. All right.
Yeah, good luck.

Yeah, you too.
May the best man win

Oh, he will.


J.T., let's go. Hey, let's go,
everybody. Hey, hey!


Okay. Let's go, guys.

Okay, Tigers, uh,
why don't we have
starters take the field

We don't have starters,
we never got that far.

All right. Well, then,
how about, uh you,
you, you




No, not you.

You, Sam, you, you, you,
and you.

You guys, hit the field.

All right!

Go get them. Huh

Go get them.

They're gonna kill us,
you know.

I'm sorry,
did you say something

We're gonna get killed.

Oh, you don't know that
for sure.

Yeah, I do.
And it's gonna be awful.


[children yelling]

(man 1)


(man 2)
Get the ball!

[Walkie Talkie Man
by Steriogram playing]


That was fast.

 You're walkin' and a talkin'
And a movin' and a groovin' 


Sorry about the fall, Sam.

See you at the barbecue.

Come on!

 When you find it
you get to say it loud 

 Gotta code three 


 My bright red fluro jacket 


 He's fat and he don't run
too fast 

Great, great, great.

You wanna go in

No. I'm fine.

You guys
No, I'm cool.

I'm staying.

 He's a walkie talkie man 

 Well you're walkin'
and a talkin' 

 And a movin' and a groovin'
and a hippin' and a hoppin' 

[all yelling]

 You gonna wake up
that thing in your hand 

 You're looking
all around 

 There is trouble
to be found 

 Gotta code three
Need back up 

 Bring me my bright red
fluro jacket 

[Tigers screaming]

That's the game!

[people cheering]

Poetry in motion, Philly!

Bring it on in.

Gather around.
Come on in. Good job.


Powerful kicking.
Powerful kicking.

Uh, excuse me.
Just don't do that
with the cup.

All in all, just,
yeah, good.

Good--Good group effort.

Were you watching
the same game


Really, give yourselves
a pat on the back.

Inspiring speech, Phil.

Hey, Patty.

Hey, darling. How you doing
Looking great out there.

Yeah, you said it. Yeah.

Tough game today, eh

We did okay.

All right, look.
Now what do you say
I take Sam back,

be on a winning team,
he'll get a trophy,

and who cares
if he's a benchwarmer


No. No, he's not
going to be
a benchwarmer.

Not my son.
Not on your team.

'Cause I'm, uh,
I'm gonna coach
the Tigers.

Ooh, ouch.

"Ouch." Why "ouch"

Nothing. Nothing.


You really
think you can coach
in my league



I'll see you on the field.

Okay. Be forewarned, muchacho.

You're in the show now.

What was that all about

I'm gonna be
the new permanent coach
of the Tigers.



Honey, that's great.

Why are you so angry

No, this--this isn't angry.
This is happy.

Yay. This could be fun.


I got a lot of work to do.

Come on.

Take that for me, buddy.

Oh, hello.

We didn't get to
introduce ourselves
last time. I'm Ann Hogan.


Donna Jones.

You can call me "Chief."

Okay. This is my son, Sam.

Hey, Sam.

Hi, this is Byong Sun.

Hi, Byong Sun.
Hi, Byong Sun.

Byong Sun and Sam,
why don't you guys
go on ahead, okay


All right. Okay, good.

Yeah, Byong Sun's real shy.

This book
really helped us
deal with it.

You'll probably
wanna give it a glance.

"My Child is Shy. "

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
who's your son

Byong Sun.
Oh, I see.

Actually, l...
You know what, I don't see.

I'm sorry, l...

Oh, wait, now I see. Wow!


We're at every game.

Not like a lot
of the other parents.

No, no, no, not like
the other parents at all.


Better! You're better
than the other parents.

[both chuckling]

Oh, so they're better

No, no, I mean--
I mean, they're--
Well, they're different.

What do you mean

No, l... You're different
because you're better.

How are they better

No, look...

You're both better different

in a different
but better way.

Okay. You know what,
let's get the rest.

A little early to start
playing favorites, Phil.

[children yelling]

Okay, guys,
let's take the field.


Get up, Dad.

Nice fall.

[children whooping]

Hold up!

Love it, yeah!

Grab a ball!

Here we go. Fan out.
Form a circle here.

Great. Okay, now,

I don't know,
it may just be me,

but, uh, I really got
a feeling like
we could catch fire

and have a great season. Huh

Now, who's with me


It's electric in the air!

Thank you for that show
of enthusiasm.

Uh, well, l--I thought
we would just start,
uh, today by going around,

introducing yourselves,
and telling me

your--your strengths
on the soccer field.

All right.

Start with you.

Hey, I'm Hunter.

Hey, Hunter. I'm Phil.

Hi, Phil. Uh, l-I'll
eat this worm for $5.

How would that help us

I'd have an extra $
No, you're not going to
eat that, are you


[clears throat]

Did you just eat that

Yeah, I ate it.

Now you owe me $5.

I didn't agree to pay you $5.

Forget it.
Pass it to someone else.

I'm Byong Sun.

Hi, Byong Sun.

I am a very kind person.

Oh, that's sweet.
That's very sweet.

Anything that relates
to soccer

No, sir.

You know, maybe
you and Ambrose
could--could team up.

He's big. You--You might
form one mega-person.


Okay, forget that
I just said that.

Uh, pass it
to--to someone else.

I'm Mark Avery.

You know, I like to keep
my pimp hands strong.

You dig, cracker
You feel me

W-What does that mean

I really don't know.

I heard it
on a rap video once.


But, I'm, like, really funny.
I got like a million jokes.

Great. Okay, yeah.
I'd love to hear one. Shoot.

Remember when
you called us out

onto the field
and you fell over

Right. Yeah


Man! I got you good!

[all laughing]

Somebody call the burn unit.
I got you bad!

How did I get burned

I don't get it, okay.

Doesn't matter.

Uh, you know what
Let's just do some drills.

Now, this one,

all the great players
have done at one
time or another.

It's called "the snake."

Player in the back
dribbles the ball

in a weaving fashion
around the player

and stops 3 feet
from the first player.

[children yelling]


[blowing whistle]

Okay, that's not the snake.

[Holla by Baha Men playing]


 We got the rhythm,
we got the most fun 

it was your first practice.

It'll get better.

No, it's gonna get worse.

You need to give it
some time, Phil.

No. I already know.
It was awful.

The kids were
just running around.

They weren't
listening to me.

They were like
4-foot whirling dervishes.

And I don't even know
what a whirling dervish is,

but that's--that's what
they were like.

You know why
'Cause I'm not a coach.

Okay I don't know
what I'm doing.

My dad. He's a coach.
He knows the game.

He's confident, he's smart,

witty, dynamic,
vicious, brutal, vindictive.

A monster.

And he will win
through intimidation

and forceful tactics
if need be.

I'm not like that.

In fact, I don't know
anyone like that.

Do you

So, Paul,
what's on your mind

Uh, actually, it's Phil.

You mean, it's not Paul

No, it's Phil.

What's the difference
Come on. Spit it out.

Uh, here it is.


Hold this.

[footsteps approaching]

Oh, no. No, no,
we do not allow smoking
in the house.

I-I'm sorry, Mrs. Ditka.

Here, I'll
get rid of it, honey.

Anyway, uh, l-I'm coaching
my son's soccer team.

And--And l--I didn't know
if you might be
willing to help.


Actually, uh, l--I want you
to assistant coach.

Your assistant coach

You really don't know
who I am, do you

You're right. Silly idea.

I just-- I just
need some help

and you're such
a great coach.

My dad's gonna be
riding me all season,
so I just--

your dad

You mean I get to coach
against your dad

Well, yeah.

Mike, I smell smoke!

Nobody's smokin'!

For Pete's sake!

So, like, it's me and you
against your old man

I mean,
there are other teams.


No smoking means
no smokin'!

Okay, come on, Phil.

I'll throw this out
the window, honey.

Uh, l-I'm sorry, Mrs. D....
I'm sorry.

You should be.

It's a nasty, filthy habit.


You can count me in.


Let's bring
your old man down.
Oh, great.

[people chattering]

Give me a drink.

It's just a great group.
Okay, uh, Tigers.

[blowing whistle]

Look who's here.

I'll give you a hint.

Hall of Fame

Chicago Bears

Sammy Sosa

No, no, no.
Come on.

No, football.

Coached the 1986--


Uh, '85 Bears
to a Super Bowl victory

It's Mike Ditka.

[people applauding]

Do you know Sammy Sosa

Hey, zip it, kid!

I'm a coach that knows
about winning.

I'm gonna push you guys
like you've never
been pushed before.

Some of you are
gonna wish I was dead.

It's true.

I know it's a weird thought,
but it's true.

I eat quitters for breakfast
and I spit out their bones.


Now this is gonna be
the hardest
most difficult thing

you ever attempted
in your entire life.

You know what
when it's over--
It will get emotional.

When it's over...
When it's over... guys are
gonna be champions.

By God, you're
gonna be champions.

All right, everybody up.
Come on.

Come on, hands in.

Come on, everybody.
Let's go out
and kick some butt.

Here we go. On three.
Let's have fun.

One, two, three.
Let's have fun.

"Let's have fun"
What's that

I just made it up.

On the ground,
give me the pushups,
come on.

If you guys
were with the Bears,

I'd fine you each
$10,000 apiece.

This calls for some
drastic measures.

We're gonna make
some changes around here.

Come on, move it.
Move it! Faster! Faster!

(Byong Sun)
Faster. Faster.

Move it! Move it!
Put some pressure
on those legs!

(Byong Sun)
Faster. Faster.

No candy!
Your mother said
you can't have any candy!

Please. Give me it back.

No candy.
Please. No. Please

Hey! I got eyes
in the back of my head.

[all groaning]
Come on, girls.
You gotta move it.

You gotta move it.
All the way!

Come on, move it. Move it.

But, coach, how is this
gonna help me with soccer

It's not gonna
help you with soccer,

but I'm gonna get
my trash taken out, okay

Come on, Beyonce,
let's get that
back end done.

Uh, Coach Shouldn't we
be going to soccer practice

I'm not going to
soccer practice
with a dirty car.

[whistle blowing]

Here we go, gang.
Let's go, Tigers. Come on.

Let's go get them.

Come on,
kick butt out there.

You're great.

[whistle blows]

Hey, Sam.


What is it, Dad
How you doing

Good. Good.


What was that for Jeez!

Did you just
kick your son


[blowing whistle]

[people cheering]

Stop them! Come on.
Stop them!

Stop them! Stop them!

Are you following me






[whistle blows]

Shake it off, Sam.
Get some circulation
back in your skull.

Go, Jack, go.

[whistle blowing]

Yeah! Good job, Jack!

[children cheering]

That's a legitimate goal,

That's a real goal.

Okay, then,
that's a real goal.

10 more of those
and we're in business.

Look at me,
I'm the ref. I'm the ref.
I'm the ref.

All right. Very funny.

You can't catch me
if you want,
because I'm the ref.

Okay. Very funny.
Very, very funny.
Very funny.

All right. You all had
a laugh Fine! Play on!

Sorry about that.

How much do you think
those things are

I have no idea.



[people applauding]

[people cheering]


2, 4, 6, 8, WHO--

Shut up you little rats!

They're just showing
their appreciation.

Forget the appreciation.

I wanna win a soccer game!


Hey, can I have this

Yeah, go ahead.
All right!

Uh, good game, everyone.

Great effort.
Come on, let's go.

We'll just reconvene
at a later time.

All right, everyone.

Uh, if I could
have your attention.

I got a little something
for the Tigers here

to express my--my gratitude

and, well,
just a big thank you

for all the hard work.

All right!

So, uh...

So what'd you bring, Phil



No! No, no, no. No.
Finches. Birds.

I'm holding them.

They're tiny birds.

Yeah, so everyone,
come up here
and grab a finch.

Come on. Come on, guys.

You can watch them grow,
right in front of
your, uh, very own eyes.

[birds twittering]

We have to keep them

You get to keep them.

Why is this fun

I want to welcome you all
to tonight's

Highland Heights
Soccer Organization
parent's dinner.

Every year,
we like to take
a little time

for the coaches
to come up here

to tell us a little
about their team.

All right.

How about I bring up
someone who's new
to coaching in this league,

but is close to me

I love him like a son.
Come on up, Phil.

Come on, Phil.

Come on, Philly. Come on.

Go. Yes.

Good guy. Good guy.

[man whistling]

Good to see you.

Thanks, Dad.

Uh, thanks, Janice.

Hello, uh,

I'm, uh, I'm Phil Weston.

And you got balls!

[audience laughing]

He's got vitamins.

[audience laughing]

That's very funny, Dad.

So when I took over
for Coach Benson--

I hear he's a woman now.

[audience laughing]


Actually, uh, truth be told,
no one knows
where he is right now.

A lot of people
are concerned.

[audience laughing]

I don't know
why that's funny.

God, I'm going to be honest,
I--I didn't plan on
speaking tonight.

I--I was-- I was
actually hoping that

my--my assistant coach
would be here,

uh, to kind of...

[audience murmuring]

Ladies and gentlemen,
I would like to introduce
Mike Ditka.

[audience cheering]

It's Mike Ditka, everyone!

Say a few words.

Thanks, Paul,
thanks, everybody.
It's--It's great to be here

and, uh, gonna have
a lot of fun tonight.

Paul's got the Tigers
on the move.

All right!

You live long enough,
you see everything.

Iron Mike and Aluminum Phil
coaching the Tigers.

[audience laughing]

I couldn't really hear you.

My Super Bowl ring
was making too much noise.


You see it, Dad
Right there, Dad.
That was a great one.

Read it and weep.

[audience applauding]

Ditka is a great coach,
we understand that,
but he's a football coach.


And we are
still losing, Phil.

Okay, I understand
your concern about our record,

but with me
it's not about win-lose.

We are going to win one game
eventually, right

Well, we've had
a rocky start,

but with
a strong team effort,
we will win some

I think.

there's no "l" in team.

But there is an "l"
in win.

There is an "l" in win.

Hey, wait.

Uh, parents,

I didn't see you step up
when the team was in need.


Phil is not
the greatest coach
in the world,

I'll give you that,
but at least he's trying.

I can defend myself,

You think he enjoys losing
week after week,

in front of his own son

You're making it worse.
You're making it worse.

What's with the birds
That was weird.

I've got my hands full
with Hunter.
I don't need a bird.

Okay, you know what
You got me. All right

The finches were
a bad idea.

And I wasn't going to
say this, but I think
some of them have salmonella.

A fair amount, in fact.

I may have inadvertently
poisoned your children.

You and l,
we got something going.

You know, maybe we can coach
the Little League together.

You really
think that, huh

Coach Ditka

Hi. Um, uh, our son,
Byong Sun, he's very shy
and I was just wondering--

Sure. Yeah, I'd be glad to.

Thank you so much.

How do you spell that

It's, uh, Byong Sun.

I think I got it.

Oh, oh, okay,

thank you.


Thanks, Phil.

Yeah. They're great.

Just a wonderful couple.


Bing Bong

Hey, Philly.

Yeah, Dad.

Hey, I've been
meaning to talk to you

about this Ditka thing.
I don't like it one bit.

Yeah, well, he's right here.

I'm not blind.

What, are you trying
to stick it to the old man

You go to my mortal enemy
for help

That's no way
to talk about your neighbor.

Oh, yeah

He's right.

I hated him
from the first time
I laid eyes on him.

Maybe even before that,
because I know
you're the guy that wrote

"Ditka sucks" on my driveway.

What are you
even doing here

You're just doing this
to get under my skin.

I'm glad you figured it out.

And I'm getting under
your skin.

It's gonna get
a lot worse
before it gets better.

In your dreams.


Hey, why don't you take
that pretty young wife
of yours and go home

What did you call her

Hey guys, please.
It's a compliment.

I said she's lovely
and she's young.

She's the light of my life.
You don't talk about her.

I go home when I want.

It's Mike Ditka. He's big.
Stay out of this.

I'll tell you
for the last time.
Hit the road!

Who's gonna make me
I am.

You're acting like-- Oh!

I took a punch
from Hall of Famer,
Mike Ditka,

and I did not go down.

Sure, I wobbled a bit,
but I did not go down.

That Ditka has fists
like a small truck.

Come here.




Yeah, you need to relax.


You should've
seen the look
on my dad's face.


'Cause that punch
was meant for him,

that's what
makes me feel so good.

Okay, Phil,
can we please not talk

about your dad
or Ditka tonight

I--l... You just need
to relax.

You're right.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, I just get--

[both moaning]


I'm in
way over my head.

I got punched in the face
and it hurt.

Honey, come on,
the kids need a real coach.



I love you.

What does that have
to do with anything

Okay. I quit.
I give up. I give up.
You go talk to Ditka.

What for He scares me.

Have you ever
looked into his eyes

Or at his hair

Well, he's been coaching
for a long time.

Share your feelings
with him.

You want me
to share my feelings
of inadequacy

with Mike Ditka

Uh. What else can you do


Okay. You're right.

You're right.
You're always right.

I'm sorry.
I'll go talk to him.


And, Phil...

try not to cry
in front of him.


Hey, hey, get a grip
on yourself, okay Man up.

I can't.

You better or else
I'm gettin' out of here.

Here, drink this coffee.

I don't like coffee.
It's a vasoconstrictor.

Hey, coffee is
the number one drink
in the world.

Everybody drinks it.

Even little kids in Mexico
drink coffee.

Well, I'm not a little kid
in Mexico.

Okay In fact,
I don't know who I am.

I took a long hard look
at myself in the mirror,
and you know what I saw



My dad, he's something.

I mean, I've never
lived up to my dad's

And to top it all off,
I'm letting Sam down.
My own son!

Ah. Hey!


Knock it off.
I don't care about that.

Why is everyone
slapping me lately

Drink the coffee.
It'll make you
feel better.

I don't-- I don't like...


Um, uh,

Yeah. Uh-huh.
yeah, it's good.

Picks you up.
It calms you down.

It's the lifeblood
that drives the dreams
of champions.


Now, you gotta tell me
the problem,

but if you cry,
I'm out of here.

I--I can't do it.
I can't coach.
I can't beat my old man.

You can beat your dad!
He's just a man.

This coaching business,
Paul, is tough stuff.


Whatever. It's tough stuff.

And when you lose,
it all comes down on you.

But listen,
when you put it
all together,

and you win,
it's the greatest feeling
in the world.

It's like
winning the Super Bowl.

Yeah, really.

Except, you saddled me
with a bunch of stiffs.

Take me 3 years
to get these guys
shaped up.

I'm sorry.

But I got a good idea.

Maybe we take a shortcut,
stick it to your old man
real good.

But in order to do that,
we gotta get
some fresh meat.


Keepa this up,
you get nowhere in meat.

[speaking ltalian]

Maria, the prosciutto.
It's almost 10..00.



Hey, coach.

Don't you worry,
I got you bratwurst
all ready.


Beautiful. Grazie.

[speaking ltalian]


Are your nephews
working today

Uh, si, in the back.

Go back and take
a look at these guys.

Yeah, yeah.


[both speaking ltalian]


Oh, they're terrific.

Pretty impressive, huh

[both whooping]

These kids are the right age,
and they live in the district.
Why not

[speaking ltalian]

Uh, excuse me, mister.
Your--Your two nephews...


Uh, would--would they be
interested in, uh,
playing soccer

Massimo e Gian Piero


No, no, no,
they not play soccer.

They come here
to apprentice me.

They have too much
to learn.

You know, English, meat.
Too much.

So they don't
play soccer at all

[speaking ltalian]

They could learn
from the American kids.

Don't look like that to me.

[speaking ltalian]

They play with American kids,
they--they pick up English.

A lot--lot of famous athletes
have learned English
through sports.

Sammy Sosa.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Leon Spinks, uh,
Elvis Costello.

No. No.

Bjorn Borg, Mark Spitz.

Let the kids
have some fun.

Okay! Okay!


But remember.
Meat first, then soccer.


I told you.
Every great thing in life
starts with a brat.

[children chattering]

Tigers, huddle up.

Get in here. Come on.
Get in here, guys.

Come on. Everybody up.

I know we're on
a five-game losing streak,
but I've got good news.

I've got two new players
joining the team.

Guys, Gian Piero and Massimo.

Now, these boys
are from ltaly, okay

So they don't
speak English that well.

We're all gonna
help them learn.

They're apprentice butchers.

Did the blacksmiths
and the candlestick makers
not make it

Shut up.

I come back,
pick up 5..00.

5..00. You got it.

[all speaking ltalian]

Prima what

Meat first. First!

Ah, meat first.
Yes, si.

Yes, we love meat.

[speaking ltalian]

You fellows, put these on.

Yeah, try them on
and, uh, take the field.


[speaking ltalian]



[speaking softly
in ltalian]

All right, come on!

[boy grunts]

(Gian Piero)

Gian Piero!


Follow it.

Wow! Crazy!

[boy grunts]


Yes! Yes! Yes!

[people cheering]

Yeah, team!

New game plan.
Get the ball
to the ltalians.

[Zuma Zuma Baca La
by Louis Prima playing]

[people cheering]

[all cheering]

Come on. Guys, bring it in.

[boys chanting]

2, 4, 6, 8,
who do we appreciate

Generals! Generals! Yeah!

I just got excited.
Nice job. Nice job.

Pizza at my house.

We won, Dad.
We finally won.

We broke the Tiger curse.


[children clamoring]

Okay, no biting, come on.

Guys Oh. Settle down.

Get enough pizza

You definitely had
enough candy,
I can tell that.

I just-- Ow! That got me
right in the nipple.

Hey, guys, I just wanna say..

on the Tigers' first victory!"

[all cheering]

There's more
where that came from.

That's right. You guys,
you all played great.

So did Gian Piero and Massimo
who couldn't be
here because..

[all chanting]
Meat comes first!


Got you a gift.

Soccer Dan lnstructional DVD.

We're gonna keep learning
as we go.

This is where we're really
gonna hone our skills.

This will take us
to the next level. Study it.

Watch it. I only watched it
for 5 minutes, I already--
I already learned this.

This is called "up and over."

[all yelling]

You can learn things like...

Maybe back over here.


Fakes left,
fakes right, he shoots!

What is going on in there

Guys, I said no playing soccer
in the house.

You did. You said it a lot.

Who did that

He did.

He did!

What Nah!

Kill Phil!

[children clamoring]


[all yelling]

Hey! All right!


[speaking ltalian]

Why don't our
two new players

speak any English

Because they're

You didn't know English

that whole first
year of your life.

You had that
made-up, like,

gaa-gaa baby language.

It was
really irritating.


You learned.

What's that haunting aroma

I don't know.

Hi, there.

Hi, uh,
my name is Phil.

This is my son,

and l--I'm brand new
to coffee.

So I don't want too much.


Can you take
half of the regular
version of the coffee

and mix it with half of
the decaffeinated version

Or is that-- is that
just too weird a thing

to ask for




We're--We're gonna have
a Half-Caff.

We're gonna have


And, a Half-Caff.

That's me.


Mother of Pearl!
That is hot!


That was hot.

Should have
waited for the jacket.

Yeah. I know,
I got too eager.

Another Half-Caff.

Another Half-Caff.

[Saturday Morning
by Eels playing]



(Gian Piero)
Uh, you.


 Saturday morning 

Okay. Go.

 Who's going to play
with me 

 Six in the morning, baby 

Foot on ball, and pull. Go.


 I got a long long day
ahead of me 


Tap. Pull.


Tap and pull



 Saturday morning 



Mama mia.

You're a real duffer,
you know

 To lose your inhibition
follow your intuition 

[all cheering]

I'm not worthy.
I'm not worthy.

How do you say
"pizza" in ltalian

Pizza. Pizza.

How do you
say "spaghetti"


Italian is easy.

Thank you.


Where're you


Oh, that's
a lovely accent.

Thank you.

You still waiting
for your coffee


Make sure you get
one of these sleeves.
I burned myself last time.

Thanks for the tip.

It's something you
don't know at first.


 Let's get it started 

Would you look at
those ltalians go

 Let's get it started 

Oh, God, I'm
in bad shape for 1 1.

Worm! Worm!

 Lose control,
of body and soul 

Okay, Bucky,
it was, like, so awesome.

You should have
saw it.

They just score and
score and score

and score and score
and score and score.

It was all too much,
I had to take an Advil,

and I'm like, I got,
like, a headache almost.

You should get some
ltalians on your team.

It's like ba-boom!

Are--Are you guys
getting any
playing time, like...


 Let's get it started, ha 

 Let's get it
started in here 

 Let's get it
started, ha 

 Let's get it
started in here 

French Roast.


Guatemalan with
a little Ethiopian.



not coffee.

That's my Russian vodka!

[boys cheering]


No! Mom!

UV index
is very high today.

I'm in the middle
of a game, come on!

I know. But your skin's
more important.

Mom, come on.

Okay, go!

Keep passing
to the ltalians!

 Get it started,
get it started 

[all whooping]

 Let's get it started, ha 

 Let's get it started
in here 

Go Tigers!

 Spaghetti, marinara,

Don't forget
the meatballs!

Hey, hey!

Hey! Here we go!


Are you serious

I'll go change
in my car.

Hurry up.

[all cheering]



Hey, Philly.


Smells good.


sirloin burgers.

No, I mean the air.


Smells fresh.

What do you

Beautiful day.


Couldn't ask for
a more beautiful day.

I'm feeling
fully alive.

Tigers have won
five in a row.

The ltalians and Ditka
have won five in a row.

We're 500.

we're 1,000.

Look, Dad,
I got a feeling

we're gonna make
it to the finals.

You what
Gonna go where


You're serious

Yeah, you bet I'm serious.


Looks like somebody needs
to be taken down
a couple of notches.

What is the law, Phil

Stop it, Dad.

The law says..

"You shall never beat
the old man at anything."

Just serve.





Oh, foul, foul, foul!
Come on!

You a little klutzy

All right.

here we go.

Pooh! Boom!


Huevos Rancheros.

You wanna quit now

No, no, no, no, no.







You okay

Serve it.


Phil Honey

Don't talk to me,
it's father-son time!


Come on.

Somebody should be
videotapin' this.

Ooh. Who's your trainer

Stop talking and serve!


Now, I bury you.

Bury you!

Bury you!

Bury you!


I'll see you inside.



That's the best
I've ever played
against him.

Yeah, it didn't grind
the barbecue to a halt at all.


You made
an excellent impression
on your son, by the way.

Hey, l--I almost had you.

What do you call that again,
when you almost win

Oh, yeah, yeah, losing.

I'll tell you, Dad.

The Tigers are
making it to the finals.

That ain't
never gonna happen.

Oh, yeah


You wanna make a bet



Fine. Okay.
We'll bet.

I beat you,

and you sell that break-even
snake-oil stand of yours.

And you're gonna
come to work for me.

No. No, I'm not
gonna work for you.

Uh Oh.

chicken clucking]

Okay, okay,
okay, okay. Stop.

Okay. But if I win...


I get the Pele ball.

Do what

If I beat you
in the finals,

Pele ball.
It's mine. I get it.

Here comes Pele.

A little high
and into the crowd.

I got it! I got it!

No. I got it.

[people clapping]




Can I have the ball

For what
I caught it. Why

You get
the next one.

If I beat you in the finals,
I get the Pele ball.

For the day.


No way, Jose.
No, sir. No way.

[imitating chicken clucking]

[all laughing]

All right. All right.


We got ourselves a bet,

All right.



See you tomorrow.

Okay. Good.

Yeah, I think we're gonna
have to cut you off, sir.


Not a chance.
Gotta go feed the meter.

Line 'em up.

Your wife told me about

the bet you made
with your old man.

Oh, yeah
What of it

I think maybe

you're getting
ahead of yourself.

We played the easy
part of our schedule.

We gotta win
five games in a row

just to make
the semifinals.

So maybe you should--

Maybe you should
worry more about the team

and less
about the schedule.


There's a lot of
slothfulness going on.



Let's go, Tigers.
Bring it in.

Bring it in, guys.

Let's go.

Grab some bench.

Look how much time it takes
for them to come in.

Take a seat.
Let's go.

Okay, guys.

I had you come
here early today,

so we could talk
about some sloppy play.

It's come
to my attention

that lately,
I've noticed

a general,
blatant disregard

for our game plan.



I saw a bunch of
nonsense out there.

What was going
through your head
out there last week

I was breaking
my back for you, Coach,

because of my love
for the game.



Who are you supposed
to pass the ball to

The ltalians.

Right. Alex, when

When I come in
contact with the ball.

The instant you come
in contact with the ball.

That's our strategy.

It's one of the many plays
we've worked out.

It's the only play
we've worked out.

How many sarcastic pills
did you take this morning

I'm just saying--

"But, Coach..."


You gotta
lighten up.

He started it.

I seem to remember
a certain little boy

who was very
sad when he lost.

And that same little boy
was very happy when he won.

I'm doing this
for you, okay

So that
we can have fun.

Right Fun. Okay.


you're--you're late.

you been

there's a problem.

Wait, where's Gian
Piero and Massimo

We were supposed
to pick them up.

Hey, what's going on

[speaking in ltalian]

[all gasp]
Where are my ltalians


I can't afford to
lose this one, Umberto.

Meat is now.
Me and the boy will work

all day to get
this order done.

It's a big, big order.

No, no, no. I... Believe me,
I know. Meat comes first.


I've only heard it about
a thousand times from you.

I can't talk to you.
Here, you take this.

I'm really getting
sick and tired of

"the meat comes first."
I'm sorry.

 Happy birthday 

Quiet please!

Shut up!
I'm on the phone.

You're not
the only one in the park.

You know, at a certain point,

these kids just
wanna play soccer.

They don't care
about the meat.

Uh, do I have to say that
'Cause that's gonna cause

some kind of
a dramatic situation here.

What are you saying, eh

What Hello Umberto


All right, guys.

We got 25 minutes
and a lot of beef to cut.

Let's get to it.

[saw whirring]

Watch me, boys, I'm goin' in!


[horn blaring]

[all yelling]


We made it.
Sorry we're late.

Hey, Stew.


Uh. Listen. One of-- One of my
guys didn't bring his socks.

So, we forfeit.

You hear that, Vultures,
we forfeit. Let's go.

[whistle blowing]
Come on! Run!

Hurry, run quickly!

Run! Run to the car! Run!

Don't look back! Run!

We won!

We won.

[all cheering]

Two, four, six, eight,
who do we appreciate

Vultures. Vultures.


Good job, guys.

Phil, it's freezing out here.

It's not Phil.
It's Coach Weston.

And it's not
freezing out here.

Then why did you
build a fire

Because fire is
the stuff of warriors.

And that's what we are,
right Warriors

The Hopi lndians
called fire...

[speaking gibberish]

Coach, what are we
doing out here, anyway

We're bonding.
We're becoming a team.

Surviving the elements,
here in the backyard.

Coach, did you order
the pizzas yet

In due time, Connor.
In due time.

I want all of you to know

if the pizzas don't arrive,

I've already
made the decision

that we will eat Byong Sun.

All right.
We're not gonna eat him.

But he does look delicious,
you have to admit, right,

if we had to eat someone

Dad, you're
getting a little creepy.

I know,
let's all bay at the moon.


You know, howl like a wolf.


Shut up out there!

You shut up in there!

Come on, everyone.
Bay at the moon.


[all howling]


[all screaming]

[dogs barking]

Ooh, I don't know.

The lrish Cream
sounds good, huh

What's that

Uh, it's cream
and it's, uh, it's lrish.

Hurry up and order.

Excuse me. Thank you.

How about a smoothie
What's in that

Smoothie's a juice drink.
We want coffee.

Buddy, relax.

No, you relax.

I'm a regular here.
This line needs to move.

I beg your pardon.

Do you have scones

Tall, non fat,
double latte--

Sir, you're at
the back of the line.

I recognize that!

Cut it out or
you're out of here.

You can't
kick me out!

You know,
you're--you're really
invading my ear space.

I'm a frequent
coffee drinker.

I'm part of the club.
I have a card.

Do you have a card
Do you have a card

No, I don't
have a card.

Does anyone here
have a card

We don't have
frequent drinker cards.

That's a video club card.

Zip it there,
Sporty Spice.

Are we doing this
Is this
happening now

Yeah. Wanna go

I'd love to.

Let's do it. Come on.

You're hurting me!
You're hurting me!

What is wrong
with you, Derrick

I thought
we were friends!

My name is Andy!

Your name is Liar,
'cause you're telling lies.

You know what the odds are

I will never come
back here again

There's a good
chance of that!

That's a chance
we'll have to take.

Okay, if that's how
you want to play it.

I am disappointed!


Get the door! Get the--

[indistinct chattering]



Tigers, bring it in.
Let's go.

Let's go, guys.

[whistle blowing]

All right, Tigers.

Let's get ready
to play, huh

I don't wanna see
any laziness there, okay

We win this,
we're in the finals.

If we get a big lead,
we gotta pummel these guys.

We gotta pummel them
at all costs.

Dominate and hammer them.

I want you to play dirty,

if you have to,
but don't get caught.

Byong Sun, stay low, okay

That's easy for you.

Just chop block them
in the back of the knee.

That'll work well.

Ambrose, you're big.

Don't be afraid
to throw the elbow.

If you break
someone's collarbone,

that's a good thing.
That's what the medic's for.

he's just sitting around,
all right

You hear me

Hey, Phil.

I--l--I don't think that's
a very good attitude.

You can't talk about
hurting other players.

You don't think

You don't-- you don't think

I don't think you
should be butting in

when I'm talking
to my team.

You're my assistant, okay

You're supposed to
back me up

and go get me juice boxes
when I tell you.

Now go get me
a juice box.

You know who
you're talking to

I'm talking to
the juice box guy.

You're crazy!

I'm not crazy.
I'm just thirsty.

Why don't you
go to hell

No, you go to hell!
While you're there,

why don't you
grab me a juice box!

I'm no juice box boy,
I'll tell you that!

Yes, you are!
No, I'm not!

Yes, you are!
No, I'm not!

Yes, you are!
No, I'm not!

You're like your old man!

I'm not like
my old man!

If it weren't for these kids
I would whip your butt!

I can take a punch!

I'm out of here.

I'll see you,

Mr. Big Time Coach.

I'm not like my old man!
I'm a kind and gentle,

compassionate human being,

with a heart
as big as a lion!

We'll see you later,
juice box!

Everyone wave goodbye
to juice box.

Literally wave. Do it!

Parents, too!
Everyone waves!

[tires screeching]

Okay. Guys...

I only want
winners out on the field.

Who's a winner

I said, "Who's a winner"

I am.

hands should be up.

I am.

Everyone bring it in.

Who are we




All right. Let's break
someone's clavicle. On three!

One, two, three.
Break someone's clavicle!

Hit the field. Let's go.

Your dad's a trip,
you know that

Move it! Move it!


Pick up that
piece of trash, Tom.

Tuck in your shirt!

What are you doing
Have a sense of pride, huh

In fact,
why don't you take a lap

Go and run a lap!
I'm timing you.

[watch ticking]

Pick it up!


Here we go! Bellissimo!


Let's go!

Over here, Son. Hunter!

He's right there.
He's right there.

Good. Good.



[speaking ltalian]


[all exclaiming]

Yes! Hey, you just were served
a plate of humiliation.

How does that feel

Hey! Off the field.

Off the field, Tarzan.

I'm off.

[all chattering]


Defense! Come on!

You guys know
anything about defense


Dad Dad

Not now, Sam.

Can you put me in

Later. Later.
Go grab some bench.

Come on!
There we go, Gian Piero.

You look good.

Think you can mark him

Yeah, I could take him.

J.J., Zack, everybody
see what we got to do
with these guys

Four on one,
three on another, right

We have to-- We really have
to smother them.

Stop them.


Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yeah! All right!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Did you just push
a kid to the ground

He fell down!
He fell down!

Play it up. Play it up.

Play it up.

Back and forth!

[Massimo and Gian Piero
speaking in ltalian]

Victory! We're in the finals!

We're in the finals!
All right!

Losers! Losers!

You're a loser! Loser!

We won, Byong Sun!

No. Phil!

Stop it!

Everyone should
get one of these.

Pass him around.

All right. I got him.

Pass him around!

[all shouting]


Okay. All right.
That's it. I got this.

Hold him down.

Get the rope!

What in the world
happened to your dad

I don't know.
But I'll tell you one thing.

I'm never drinking
coffee as long as I live.



Wow! Wow! Wow!
Wow! Wow!

What a day!

Wh-What is with the coffee

Every home in Europe has
its own coffee press.

In fact, every room.

you know what, Phil

You gotta stop.
You've gone overboard.

What are you talking about

You called a group of
10-year-olds "losers."

I did not.

You screamed it
through a cone.

Everyone heard you.

What do you want me
to call them Winners

'Cause that would
make me a liar, okay

And at least, give me that.
I am not a liar.

You just lied, just a--

Just a second ago!

About the cone thing!

Okay, you got me
on that one.

That's one lie,

We're in the finals.

Am I the only one
who cares about that

Where's Sam

Well, Sam's up in his room.

Very upset. Very depressed.

Depressed We won.

You didn't play him,

I warned you about,
this has become all
about you and Buck.

That is patently untrue.

And as far as Sam not playing
in the game, that's his fault.


He needs to speak up, okay
I can't worry
about every player.

I can't talk to
you about this.
No, not anymore.

I don't even
know who you are.

You're not human,
that's for sure.

You're like some
kind of animal.

An animal

Yes, like a wild animal.

Where are you going

I'm going.

Coffee will make
you feel better.

 The eye of the tiger 

Barbara, are you there
Pick up. It's me.

Game's about to start.

Where's Sammy
I thought you guys
were gonna meet me here.

Hello Hello

You know what,
I gotta run.

What are you
Who dresses you these days

What's this,
some kind of clown outfit

It's a Tiger outfit.

Good. Good.

Some of the cool stuff
I can do.

And you think this
suit's gonna help you

We'll see.
Might be a good luck charm.

Okay, good luck, Son.
You're gonna need it.


Bring it in. Let's go.
Huddle it up. Come on.

Coach, um, where's Sam

Because I don't
see him anywhere.

He'll be here.
Don't worry about it. Okay.

Guys, listen up.

Now I don't think it needs
to be said more than once

how important
today's game is, huh

This is what we've
worked all year for.

Why are you whispering

For dramatic effect!

Who are those
guys over there, huh


They look like
pussycats to me.

What do you say

Afraid of 'em



You step on this field,
this is all about you.

I mean, I'm not gonna be
the one staying up
late at night,

you know, punching a hole
through the window

or crying myself to sleep
or wetting my bed.

Okay That's not gonna be me.

'Cause I'm fine.

I got my vitamin store
to go back to.

I'm gonna be just great.
I'm gonna be great.

Let me hear you say
that we can do this.

We can do this!

We can do this!

One more time.
We can do this!

You either win

and go on to greatness,
or you lose.

And probably face a series of
cataclysmic events

for the rest of your lives.

Bring it in, guys.

Bring it in.

Tigers on three. Whisper.

One, two, three.

[all whispering]

One, two, three, Gladiators!

Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to the HHSO
Championship game.

I'll be giving
you a play-by-play,

blow-by-blow of
what promises to be

the game of the year.

Look alive!

Tigers versus the Gladiators.

Gladiators with the ball.

stolen by Massimo!


Push deeper! Deep! Deep!

He kicks it high.
It's a perfect pass!

Shot! Goal!



Are you ready for this

The Gladiators with
some good ball movement.

Shot! It's off the mark.

Give it up, Dad!

It's a long game, sonny!

Hey, grab the pebble
from my hand, Grasshopper!


If it isn't fart-face Jones.

What's up,
farty pants

Bring it on.

You can have
the first punch right here.

I could eat a box of cookies
for dinner if I want to.

What Can you do that No.

'Cause you're
a fart-face kid.

Oh, my God!
No! Tigers! Help me!
Get him off me!

[blowing whistle]

Get him, Logan.
Attaboy, Logan.

Ow! He's got my ear.

He's got my ear!

He's like a jackal from hell!

Italians with the ball.

And they pass it of
to little Byong Sun!

Pass it off! Pass it!

Do it! Shoot it,
Byong Sun. Shoot it!

No! No, no.


Oh! Weak kick!

Stolen away and
kicked way downfield.

Gladiators moving the ball.

Hunter, catch up!
Catch up.

They find Bucky Weston
in the open.

He shoots! Score!


Gladiators tie the game.

Byong Sun!

What was that

I thought
I had the shot.

You thought

How many times do
I have to say this

You can take as many shots
as you want during practice.

But never ever
in a game.

Especially not
the championship game.

you cannot talk to him--

No, no, no.
Don't go there.

Take a seat.
Go ahead.

Ease up on him!

You ease up on that
corduroy jacket of yours.

[referee whistling]

Gladiators moving the ball.

[referee whistles]
Oh! Number 14 goes down.

Come on! That

Good call, ref!

That's a bad call!

All right, coaches!

Coaches here, now!

God! That's a bad call,
you know it!

Hey, hey, hey.

That's a bad call!

Hey! Hey,
I'm warning you.

Let me ask you a question.

Let me ask a question.

How much you pay him
to make those calls

You are one wisecrack away

from being thrown
out of this game.

I don't want to
get thrown out.

Can't a guy just be
enthusiastic about the game

You can be

That's all I want to do. a respectable level.

I just wanna have fun.

Now, go to
your places!

And keep your
comments to yourself.

Wow! What was
that all about

Here's all I heard.

The ref said....


Then my Dad said...


Then the ref said....


Any more questions

Hit the road. Move it.

[referee whistling]

[boys cheering]

Massimo with the ball,

trying to pass it
off to his brother.

Come on!

But Buck Weston
has figured out
this Tiger offense.



Get back on defense!

What did I just say

Bucky with another open shot.


Gladiators take the lead.

Was anyone listening

The Italians have effectively
been shut down.


That's my boy!

[whistle blowing]

That's the half.

Honey, wh-where have you been

I called you twice.

What Why isn't Sam
in his uniform

So, how's it going

It took me all morning
to convince him to come.

And the only reason he is here
is to support his team.

What, he doesn't
want to play for me

He would love to
play for you

but you've turned
him into a benchwarmer.

Sound familiar

Look, I just wanted

to get to
the championship game, that...

Well, you're here, Phil.

I'm not crying.
It's frustration.

Don't worry.
You'll be all right.
Gonna be all right.

If you play the second half
the way you
played the first half,

I'm gonna trade the whole team
to the Tigers next year.

Can I go in now
I have fresh legs.

Philly, I can't.

It's the championship game,
all right

Don't bother me, okay

I didn't play
the week before, either.

I promise you,
I'll play you
next season, okay

You want to be Gladiators


Let's say,
"We are Gladiators."

We are Gladiators!

Say it again!
We are Gladiators!

Okay, go out
in the second half,
I want you to stay focused.

You doing okay
I know this is tough.

Hey, guys.

Sam, you think
I could talk to you

I guess.

Honey, do you mind


So, I just
was thinking, uh...

You know,
grown-ups are always
telling kids

how they mess up, right

But the truth is

grown-ups screw up

but we don't have anyone to
tell us when we do it.

I screwed up, Sam.

You think

I just got caught up
in everything.

I really lost my way,
I mean,

I apologize.

I just wanna ask
you if you-- if you can

find it in your heart
to forgive me

and you give me
a second chance,

I'd like to
make it up to you.


You accept
my apology then


Thanks, buddy.

All right. You're
starting the second half.



You're not worried
about losing the game

No, I'm worried
about losing you.

I brought
your uniform
just in case.

So, go suit up.

All right.


Good job.


Now, give me
that jacket.

It's bad



Hey, guys.

Everyone take a seat,
if you would.

I have something important
I'd like to tell you. Um...


I just want you guys to know
that I know that I blew it.

I--l--l--I completely blew it.

And we should've just been
having fun all along

and honestly,
I don't know what happened.

And I owe you,
I owe all of you an apology.

I am very, very,

very, very sorry.

With a capital "S"
and a capital "ORRY."'

You know what I mean.

You--You guys are great kids.
You're unique

with--with--with your own
strengths and talents,

and I should've
been promoting that.

Instead, I wasn't,
'cause I'm a lousy coach

and I didn't
teach you anything.

That's not true,

What are you talking about

He's a lousy coach.

He didn't teach me anything.

(Byong Sun)
He tried to kill me.

He taught us exactly how
not to play soccer.

Actually, Sam's right.

That's exactly what I did.

We just need to
take the field

and you guys
just do e-e-exactly

the opposite of
everything I've taught you.

Does that make sense

What have l-- What have l
told you to do

Always play the ltalians.

Okay. There you go.

Gian Piero, Massimo,

we'll get some
fresh legs in there.

Give you guys a rest


Okay. Grazie.


Wh-What else
have I taught you

Break people's clavicles.

Chop block.

Tattoos are cool!

Don't remember that one.

Coffee is the lifeblood

that fuels
the dreams of champions.

Right. Hold on.

[all cheering]


Way to go, Byong Sun!

[all cheering]

All right. What else

The most important
thing is winning.

No. No, no, no, no.
The most important thing

is--is having fun and
trying your best, all right

So, let's get out there
and do everything

the opposite of
what I've taught you.

Sound like a plan

Bring it in. Here we go.


What are we gonna do

Don't listen to Phil!

Take the field.
Here we go, guys. Have fun!

Down by one,
the Tigers have both Italians

sitting on the bench

Odd move by
Coach Phil Weston.

Stop them, guys!

Goal, and the Tiger
goalie goes down hard!

Oh, my--

That's it.

That's the intensity
I've been looking for.
That's it.

The Tiger goalie looks okay.

Hey, ref Injury
Time out

Coach Weston is
taking no chances.

Time out.
Everyone with glasses.

Can I borrow your glasses

Would you mind
Thank you.

I appreciate that.

You look like
you need those.

Thank you.
Appreciate that.

You all right

Yeah, I'm all right.

Just want to do a
little vision test here.
All right

Is that better
or worse


Better or worse


Better or worse


Okay. Put those on.
Let's go, guys.

Okay. All right.
Come on.


He's okay.

Play resumes.

The Gladiators still
dominating the field.

Wow. An amazing save
by the Tiger goalie!

That's my baby!

He stopped that goal.

Tigers with the ball.

Mark! Mark!

On the neck!


Mark Avery kicks the ball up,

catches it on
the back of his neck.


The rest of the Tigers are
forming some kind of wedge.

Break through.
Win the ball back!

Knock those clowns down.

Mark Avery leads the league

in the least amount of
time played.

Hey, keeper.




Ambrose with
a powerhouse kick!

[referee whistling]


[boys cheering]


Hunter, I'd give you a kiss
but you just ate a worm.

Yeah! Can you smell it

Yeah! All right, Mark!

It's the smell
of victory, baby!

I love you, Dad!

See if you love me
at the end of the game.

Let's go, guys. Stay focused.

Every time you say
something back to me,

it makes me love you more!

I can't-- I can't
believe this.

Hunter is tearing down
the field!

And he kicks
the ball to Jack.

Get over there!
Go, Hunter!

Jack takes
the ball into the corner.

Whoa! It's a little bit high.

Wait a second,
what's going on

It's like they're forming
some sort of mega person.

Did everyone see that


A header by Byong Sun from
Ambrose's shoulder for a goal.

Way to go, Bing Bong!

That's not legal.
Is that legal, ref

Great hustle.
Gian Piero and Massimo.

You're back in.

But remember,
share the ball.


Right Team.
Yeah. Good. Good, good.

Okay, guys.

The Italians are back in.

And Massimo steals the ball.

Less than
a minute left to play.

The Gladiators are
completely out of sync here.

And the ball goes
to Ambrose who fakes.

Watch it! It's a trap!
Stay with the ltalians!

Come on, Sam!

You're gonna have to
get past old,
uncle Bucky for this one.

Here's something
your dad never taught you.

[all cheering]


[referee whistling]

And you can
put it on the board.

[blowing whistle]

That's the game!

Tigers win! Tigers win!

Way to go, guys!

Nice job, everyone!


Come on, honey!


Where did you learn
to move like that, Sam

I practiced every time
you benched me.

Tigers! Tigers!

[boys chanting]

Great game, Bucky.

A hell of a game, bro.

I guess we really
got out-coached.

Thank you.
I appreciate that.

And I'm serious.

I don't give
compliments lightly.

This is from the heart.

I'm not blowing
smoke up my butt.

I think you mean
smoke up my butt.

No. Dude,
just take the compliment.

You got it.

I'll see you later.

See you at the barbecue.

[all cheering]

Good job.

Sorry, Grandpa.

What, are you kiddin' me

If anyone's gonna beat me,
I'm glad it was you.

Great goal, Samson.

So, you're not mad

The only thing
that makes me mad

is that I let you get away
from the Gladiators, okay


I'll never be mad at you.

Burgers look good, right

That one's dead.

This one needs
to be turned. Okay

Looks good to me.

You'll learn.

[machine humming]

Hey, Ditka!
Knock it off, would you

Would you knock it off

Dad, relax.
Here, I'll handle it.


I'll talk to him.

Hey, Buck.

Remember when we beat you
in the championship


Remember when, uh, when
I shoved that kid in the pool



Okay, Buck.
You got me good, buddy.


How do you want
your hamburger

Well done. Thanks, Buck.

Okay. You got it.

Hey, coach!




Um, I don't know if you heard,
we won the championship.

Yeah, I heard.


Look, I just wanna say
I'm sorry for the way I acted.

Hey, let me
tell you something.

You were
a ravin' maniac.

Yes, I was.
I was a maniac.

Yeah, but I see you
changed your ways.

And man,
down the stretch,

you did one great job
of coaching those kids.

Thank you. It means a lot.

So, can I count on
you for next year


Okay. But you and l,
we're good

We're good.


How about you
and your old man

Better. Yeah.

Listen. I mean no disrespect
to you and your family.

But my job in life is

to make your dad's life
a living hell.

Hey, do what you gotta do.

I gotta do it.

I'm about to make
good on that Pele bet.

You wanna come
over and watch

Yeah, I'd love to
but I gotta get

all these leaves over in
that yard before nightfall.


We had a bet.
You won fair and square.

Good job.

Thank you.

I don't say this enough

but you really stepped up.

I'm proud of you, Son.

I appreciate that.

The real Pele ball.


I'm actually
touching it.

Take good care of it.

That means an awful
lot to me, that ball.

It does,
doesn't it




You keep it.

No. You won fair and square.
It's yours now.


You beat me, Philly.

Well, the Tigers
beat you.

I mean I had a good time
kicking your butt,

I'm not gonna lie,

but i-i-it's not
about winning.

I thought it was.
It's not.

you and me,

you know, the--the ball
is just a metaphor

about the distance
between us.

It's a soccer ball.

No, no, no, Dad.

I-l-It's not
about the ball.

It was never
about the ball.

I don't want the ball.

Then what do you want

And now an important message
from the King.

Hi, I'm Buck Weston.

King of sporting goods.

And to make my stores
the best they can be,

I've teamed up with my son.

I'm Phil Weston.

And I'm
the Prince of Viitamins.

Now, you can get all your
health supplement needs

at Buck and
Phil's Sports Kingdom.

At prices so low,
it'll blow your top.

Don't worry,
kind sir.

We've got
something for that, too.


I do see,
Prince Phil.

Now in five
convenient locations.

I'm Buck Weston.

And I'm
Phil Weston.

And we've got balls.

And vitamins.

But mainly, balls.

And vitamins!

These guys
couldn't win a salad bowl,

Iet alone a Super Bowl.

Mike, I smell smoke.

Nobody's smokin'.

I'm the king in this house

and I can do what I want.

Got you!

Okay, honey.

[We Can Work It Out
by Stevie Wonder playing]

 Try to see things my way 

 Do I have to keep on talking
till I can't go on 

 While you see it your way 

 Run the risk of knowing that
our love may soon be gone 

 We can work it out 

 We can work it out 

 Think of what
you're saying 

 You can get it wrong 

 And still think
that it's all right 

 Think of what I'm saying 

 We can work it out
and get it straight 

 Or say good night 

 We can work it out 

 We can work it out 

 Work it out
when you're dating 

 Work it out
when you're dating 

Special thanks to SergeiK.