Kicking It Old School Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Kicking It Old School script is here for all you fans of the Jamie Kennedy movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Kicking It Old School quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Kicking It Old School Script

Justin, are you ready for the talent show?

Mom, I pity the fool who ain't
ready for the talent show.

Wasn't that... something?

A round of applause for Jen.

Now we've all-
The Vista Avenue Elementary School-

Hey, Jen.
You were way cool out there.

Radical. Thanks.

Ooh, I got you something.

- Oh, my God. You got me-
- Garbage Pail Kids Series TwoJellyJenny.

- Y-You don't have it, do you?
- Yeah, I do.



This goober's buying you
Garbage Pail Kids?

- Yeah.
- Well, that's real cool, Schumacher.

I got you something too.

It was wicked expensive.

- I can't accept this.
- Don't be such a spaz.

Come here.
I'll put it on ya.

It's real gold too.

So, do I get a thank-you kiss?

That's it?


- What happened with Jen?
- "Kip-napped. "

All you gotta do is
dog him on the dance floor.

Turn that Pound Puppy
into a little bitch.

I don't know, you guys.
According to my calculations...

we only have 36% chance
of beating Kip's group.

Well, did you factor in
my special move?

- What you talkin' about, Willis?
- Coffee grind and a head spin...

freeze, switch...
and pop into a backflip.

Are you wack?
You'll kill yourself out there!

- I'm not lettin' Kip humiliate me in front of-
- Justin?


Kip thinks he can
buy his way into my bra.

I wanted you to have this.

- Oh.
- It's my good luck charm.

I feel lucky already.

I don't know what you're doin'
after the show, but-

I don't know- do you wanna come over
and maybe watch Blue Lagoon?

We have it on Beta-


Break a leg, Justin.

- I'll see you after the show?
- That'd be smurfy.

Hey, Romeo, man, we up next.

Hello? McFly?


Marty. Hurry up.
Justin's on.

- Oh. Oh.
- Jesus. Jesus.

Now, two break-dancing crews will have a battle.

Please welcome the Funky Fresh Boyz
and the Groundbreakers!

- Let's see what you got, Kip.
- Let's see what you got.

- Put it on the floor.
- It's on the floor. You're steppin' on it.

- And I'm dancin' on it.
- Justin!

AppleJack 2012.

Prince Def Rock.

Chilly Chill.

P- P-Popcorn.

Rocket Shoe.

Funky Fresh Boyz. F.F.B.!

Go, Kip!


Justin, don't do it!

- Justin!
- Justin!

- Justin? Justin?
- Justin?

- Justin.
- Justin.

He did the move.

Nice play, Shakespeare.

Someone call somebody!

- All right. Slow down.
- I've got it covered.

- Okay. Good. Happy birthday, kid.
- Okay.


I got 20 years
of blisters on my ass.

- Here we go.
- Just put a smile on your face.

Happy birthday!

- Blow out your candles.
- Sylvie.

You do this every year.
Never works!

- Why are you so negative?
- I'm not negative.

Oh, my God. Marty.

- Yeah?
- Marty!


Fire, fire, fire!
Fire, fire, fire!

Mr. and Mrs. Schumacher?

Hi, Dr. Fry.

We have to talk.

Justin's been on unpaid life support
for the last 16 weeks.

I just put 16 checks in
the mail this morning. So-

I understand how difficult it is
to make payments of this magnitude.

Shit, I'm still paying
for that damn Ferrari.

But, unfortunately, this hospital
can't afford to foot the bill for Justin's care.

So, wait a minute. Are you-
Are you gonna unplug him?

Justin hasn't made
any progress in 20 years.

And the chances of him reviving
are less than one percent.

Maybe it's time...

to give your son and yourself...

some peace.

Does anybody else smell burnt cake?

Okay. Could you-
Could you just give us a minute?

Yeah. Thank you.

It's Dada.

We're gonna unplug you now.

No more electricity.

And, Justin...

just know that your mom and dad
love you very much.

It's a shame we gotta do this
on his birthday, but...

let's get those papers
signed, all right?

Come on.

- Oh, Marty.
- Honey, it's sad.

But the kid's a vegetable.

I know. I'm gonna miss that little turnip.

- Honey, my ass.
- Huh?

Oh. Strawberry.

Hey, we got the '80s flashback
block comin' at you right now...

with a little tune called "Rockit"
from Mr. Herbie Hancock.

What? Where?

Huh? PONG.

Feet must be asleep.

- Justin?
- Hi, Mom.


Okay. We're okay.

Welcome home, Son!

We should have paid for
that coma physical therapy thing.

Doctor said he needed it.

No, that's just the doctors
trying to rip us off for more money.

- Justin's fine.
- Dad.

Oh, Justin!

Justin. Hey, watch your legs.
Here we go. Here we go.

That's it. Up we go.
Oh. We got ya. Okay.

- You're okay.
- Wow.

- Okay.
- Gettin' a little heavy there.

There we go.
Oh, big step.

- Up. That's a boy.
- Okay. Okay.

Weebles wobble,
but they don't fall down, right, Dad?

- That's my boy. Oh.
- Oh.

- You should catch him.
- The neighbors. Crap. This'll be on YouTube in an hour.

Channels Changing]
- Oh. There you go.

Watch some MTV.

MTV? Wicked.

Girl] We need to gang up
and do something and get revenge on her.

Mom! The TV's broken.

Supposed to be MTV,
but they're not playing any videos.

It's just a bunch of girls
talking and crying.

Girls Chattering]

It's good to have him home.

Yeah. Okay. Now...

give this to him, take out the garbage,
and then walk the dog.

What is the use of havin' a kid
if I still gotta do chores?

He just came out of a coma.

Yeah. It's always something.

First he's in a coma,
then he just got out of one.

- Sucks.
- You suck.


R2, see what you can do
with deflector shields.

- No, no, no.
- R2.

No, no.

Uh, TiVo.

Uh, Justin...

your mom was saying that the dog
needs walkin' and that the lawn needs mowin'.

And since I've been doin' your chores
for about 20 years...

why don't you give
your old man a rest?

Can I wait until
my arms and legs work?

Well, your-your arms and legs
aren't gonna work all by themselves.

Son, you've got to
work them until they work.

- Mow the lawn, paint the fence.
- Sand the floor?

Dad, is this like Mr. Miyagi telling
Daniel-san to do household chores...

but he's really teaching him karate?

- No.
- Why are we holding hands? I don't-

- Because you'll get-
- I don't want to hold hands. Ow.

- What happened to the mall?
- Nothing.

Business is- it's booming.

- What?
- Just checking. Okay.

I gotta go to the bank.
Why don't you go to the toy store?

Darth Maul?

Jar Jar Binks?

Who are these gay birds?

They're not from Star Wars.


- What do you like to play with?
- Huh?

- What's your favorite toy?
- Well, I like Tamagotchi. It's like a little pet.

- Is it like a Chia Pet?
- What's a Chia Pet?

Oh! You know what I got at my house?
I got a Slip 'n Slide.

You know what? You should come over sometime.
We could Slip 'n Slide together.

We have potential trouble
in Glazer's Toys.

Or we could play army. I could play the sergeant.
You could be the lieutenant.

You and I can get in a trench together.
I can get in your foxhole.

Or you can get in my foxhole.

You and me could play cops and robbers.
I could be the cop.

You could be the robber. I could be like,
"You're goin' downtown. " Hey.

- No, no.
- Yeah. Come on.

- Don't make me pull out my nightstick.
- Happy camper in Glazer's Toys!

I repeat. We have a happy camper
in Glazer's Toys!

You can come over my house
and sleep over if you want.

You like those foxholes?
Here's a little foxhole.

It's just so damn cute.

I- I don't like- I don't like cute things.
I like boy things!

- Know what they do to bitches like you up in prison, huh?
- I'm not a bitch.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Stop, stop, stop. Let him go.



- What was up with those guys?
- Uh, well, they thought you like little boys.

Of course I like little boys.

No, no. Like, they thought
you like little boys.

- Oh, my God. That's so gnarly.
- Mm-hmm.

Ew. Ew.

- You want some chew?
- Nah. Go ahead, man.

You hit your head real hard, huh?

You should come over my house.
I'm hookin' up my Atari.

It's gonna be awesome.

Man, I miss you, dog. I miss you.
You my nigga!

Darnell, that's a bad word.

Bitch, it's 2006!
You been sleepin' too long.

After N.W.A. came out,
everybody's been sayin' it.

- What-What's N.W.A.?
- Uh, Niggaz With Att-

Look, don't worry about it.
It's like "my buddy," or "my friend. "

I'm sorry, Darnell.

- I was in a coma.
- Yeah, you were.

You're a good nigger.

You're the best nigger I ever had.

Mmm, mmm, mmm!

Nigga, get up, get up, get up.

Mrs. Schumacher, we can't give you a loan.

This bank has already extended itself
for you as far as it can.

I don't- I don't think
you understand, um...

the extent of Justin's
medical bills.

They're gigantic. And, um,
I think we might be losing the house.

And, um,
I can't let that happen.

- I just- I don't-
- Hands are tied.

I gotta pay my parents back.

- Whoa. Is this the new mall?
- This is it.

It's like Epcot Center.
Maybe I can get a job here.

Holy crap!

- What's goin' on here?
- Red leather, yellow leather.

Yellow leather, red leather.

Toy boat. Why isn't
my microphone working?

They're shootin' a TV show. I heard of this.

It's like American Idol for dancing.

America what?

Star Search. It's like Star Search.
For dancing.

Okay. Stretch time's over.

All right, girls.
Let's take it from the top.

Boy, they really didn't
stick that one.

That's better.


It- It's Ju-
It's Ju-


Oh, my God! Justin! Oh, my God!
I can't believe my eyes!

I never thought I'd see you again.

I never thought I'd-

Oh, my God.
You really grew up.

I mean, a lot.

- A lot, a lot.
- Uh-

- Oh, my God.
- Okay. You have to excuse him.

- I know I'm black, but I'm not invisible.
- Oh, my God.

- I'm sorry, Darnell. I didn't mean to be rude.
- What's up, Jen?

I- I'm good. I'm real good.
I'm the dance consultant for the new show.

Blue Lagoon!

We-We never got to
watch Blue Lagoon.

- Betamax.
- Kapow!

Whoo! Mmm, mmm.

- Kip, you remember Justin.
- Nope.

- Wait. Did you cut my lawn a few weeks ago?
- No.

- Clean my pool?
- No.

You're the jackass that flipped
off the stage when we were kids.

Oh, my God! I thought you were dead!

- Kip.
- What? Honey, he's like- Did you see his neck go-

Like that. Holy sh- I can't believe it.

Hey. Did you show him?

- Oh, wrong finger. Look.
- Ow.

We're engaged.

You okay?

You look like you just
got punked, beyotch.

Well, it was great
running into you, Dustin.

Uh, here.

Take a flyer.

So, do you have
a new phone number...

or are ya still
livin' with mommy and daddy?

- Still livin' with-
- I'm shocked!

Well, we gotta run.
So, here.

Why don't you say good-bye
to your new friend. Bye-bye.

Use that hand later for something,
huh, you little devil, you. Dick.

Let her go, man.
There's plenty of hiz-os in the hiz-ouse.

- Was he retarded before the coma?
- But Jen was my hiz-o.


But now she's "his-o. "


All I gotta do is dog him
on the dance floor.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
Justin, no, no. Justin!

Justin. Justin!
No, no!

Oh, God.
He look like a chicken.

Justin, no! No!

Justin, you're still weak!

- Watch this, hiz-o.
- What in the hell is he doin'?

Y'all know him?


Don't feed the animal.

I mean- I mean, come on.

I hate everyone.

- What are you doin'?
- Killing myself.

- With Pop Rocks and a soda?
- Yeah.

Let me have it, Justin.


- Hey.
- I'm kidding, Justin.

See? You won't die.

- But Mikey.
- It never happened.

You have a better chance
of slittin' your wrist with this.

Come on, man.
Look at you.

Where's the Rocket Shoe?

Hey, wait.

Did you read this?

"Get 2 Steppin' Crew Edition.

"Compete for the grand prize
of a one-year contract...

with D-Zone Videos and $100,000."

Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no. Hell no.

- Hell no, Justin.
- No, D-Darnell, it's the only way.

We win the contest,
I get the money to pay back my parents...

we stuff Kip so hard
that Jen has to come back to me.

Darnell, you know what we gotta do?

We gotta get the Funky Fresh Boyz
back together.


Didn't I say "hell no"?

Why are you so angry?

- No.
- Please.

Will you stop sayin'
"please," please?

Venus, Serena, say hi to Justin
before I beat his ass.

I didn't know you had kids.

- They ain't mine.
- Huh?

Why y'all just sittin' here?
Why y'all didn't clean up the house?


Hold, hold, hold, hold, hold.
Stop, stop, stop, stop. Relax. Relax.

Relax. Relax.

It's not a real roach.

It's one of my inventions.
You remember when we were kids...

- they had those toys called the Wacky Wall Walkers?
- Yeah.

You could grab it, throw it against the wall.
It would stick and crawl down-

- Right. You know how much the guy who invented that made?
- How much?

- A hundred million dollars.
- Get out.

Yes. A hundred million dollars
for a stupid Super Ball with snot on it.

And you think the next
Wacky Wall Walker is?

The Ghetto Wall-Grabber.

Here. Try it.

Throw it right up against the wall.
It just goes-

comin' down the wall.

Wow, that's cool. That sticks.
Wow, it's like a real roach. It-

Yep. I'll sell a million
of those in Atlanta.

So what's stopping you
from making your millions?

$10,000 in seed money.
That's what I need to get started.

And as you can see,
that ain't happening around here.

Every time that stupid girl watch a video,
she have another baby.

Hmm. $10,000.
Seed money.

Hmm. I wonder where
you could get that.

Uh, Justin.

Uh, Justin.

- Darnell.
- Hey, Boo.

You got your hair did.
It looks real good.

- You bring the diapers?
- They're right there. Hey, Tiger Woods!

- Where?
- Right there, sweetie.

Is that all you got?
Boy, this ain't gonna last more than two days.

It'd last a long time
if they didn't doo-doo so much.

- I'm sorry, baby. I didn't have no more money.
- You ain't got no more money.

How come every time
I ask you for something you ain't got money?

But when you need to buy parts and shit
for your little inventions...

you got more money than 50 Cent?

Like this.

What is this? What?

It's an automatic jean tight-roller.

Ain't nobody tight-rollin'
their jeans no more, fool!

But, baby, this one's automatic.

I don't care if it's automatic,
systematic, Veg-O-Matic.

I don't give a shit-o-matic.

Ain't nobody tight-rollin'
their jeans no more.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Who the hell are you?

I know a way Darnell could get
enough money to make his inventions...

- and keep your kids in diapers for the rest of their lives.
- No.

Damn, baby!

- I can't dance like that no more. I'm
a grown-ass man! - For a hundred grand?

You better bust a move,
drop it like it's hot.

Now, I don't want to see your black ass again
until you got a whole lot of money...

or a whole lot of diapers.

Oh, hell no.
You don't close my door like that.

- What you say, nigga?
- Uh, nothin'. I'm your nigga.

Now get to steppin'.

- I'm goin', baby.
- Bitch-slapped.

- You too.
- I'm gonna step. I-I will step. Thank you.

I ain't playin' with you.

Man, I hope you know
what the hell you're doin'.

Oh, I know what we're doing. We're getting
the Funky Fresh Boyz back together.

- Is this the right place?
- Yeah. His mom said he comin' by here any second.

What is that?

Is that Hector?

Or some dude that ate Hector.

- Man.
- That nigga about a six piece with extra biscuits.

Damn, that nigga big.

You gotta move this car
before I have it towed.

Mr. Jackson?

Darnell Jackson?


And you know who this
comatose bitch is, right?

No way! Justin!

- Hey, buddy.
- I can't believe it! Oh, my God!

You're alive!

Okay, okay, okay.
Hector, Hector.

- Oh, man.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute. Wait.

- How long have you been a meter bitch?
- Traffic warden.

Few years.

Rough times out here
in the streets of the Valley.

818 ain't no joke.

I've been shot at.
I've been peed on.

- What?
- But I helped a lot of people.

Man, you the meter bitch.
Who you help?

Uh- Hmm.

Oh! I once let David Hasselhoff
out of a ticket.

You know, he sometimes drives around L.A.
in a full replica of KITT.


Yeah, right?

We're gettin' the Funky Fresh Boyz
back together...

and we need
Hector "Popcorn" Jimenez.

- I don't know, guys.
- It's okay. We understand. You're too busy.

We know you gotta get up in the morning
and eat a Krispy Kreme burrito.

Just 'cause I'm fat
doesn't mean I can't break.

Check this out.

You know break-dancing burns
a lot of calories, right?

Now, if Aki's a quadriplegic,
we're gettin' somewhere.

Sorry, guys.
I have a real job now.

There is no frickin' way
I'm joining a break-dance squad.

Wait. Why? Why are you
talkin' like that?

Like what? All negative? I-

No. Like, um- You- Um-

You know. You know.
You used to-

Come on, bitch.
Say "booty twaps"!

It's booby traps.

- No, but say "booty twaps" 'cause it's awesome.
- No.

Aki, I was in a coma.


Booty twaps.

I love it when you do that!

I love it when you say that!

You look so stupid!

It's funny! Asian guy funny!
The yellow guy!

I knew it.
I knew it.

I was never your friend.
I was your damn mascot.

Your little Ewok, Mogwai,
Golden Child, Mr. Miyagi.

Wax on, wax off, huh?


You know, I was at that school for a year
before you guys talked to me.

Then came a little movie called
Sixteen frickin' Candles.

The second I saw it,
I knew what was coming the next day.

200 kids begging me to say,
"Ooh, sexy girlfriend.

What's happenin', hot stuff?"

"Get in that foxhole, gook!"

Mao! Mao! Mao!


You frickin' round eyes
ate it up for 10 years.

Round eye? I'm Mexican, ese.
These are bean shape.

Ten years of taking advantage
of my accent because...

"Indy, I 'ruv' you" and "robster craws"
is so damn funny.

Not anymore.

Thanks to thousands
in speech therapy, I talk like this.

I act like this.
I... blend in.

Do you have any extra 2111s?

Hi, Yun.

I'm Jewish.

Damn, Aki.
You blendin' in real good.

She didn't even know
your ass was here.

Uh, excuse me. Uh, Lucy Liu.


Relax. I got you, dog.
Uh, excuse me, geisha.

Do you have any idea who it was
you just corresponded with here?


Uh, what percentage in chance does my friend,
Aki, have of sleeping with you?

Zero percent.

One more question, please.
What if he's a professional break-dancer?

Two percent.

Mathematically that's
an infinity percent increase.

Yes! That's my Aki!

- Homeboys forever?
- Uh-huh.

- Homeboys forever.
- Homeboys forever.

- Homeboys forever.
- Yeah!

Funky Fresh Boyz!

If that's what you guys
are gonna call yourselves...

it goes back down to one percent.

- One percent is still good.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Better than zero.

Fuck you, Mr. Ferguson!

I'm kidding.
I still need this job.


- Geez.
- What the heck, lady?

- I'm sorry. I didn't-
- Crazy-Wha-

- Jen.
- Justin.

What are you doin' here?

What's all this?

Oh. We're getting the Boyz
back together for your contest.


You ever think about updating a bit?

These clothes are pretty old-school.

I only ever went to one school.

And those moves are wack.

What you talkin' about, Jen?

If I went beat boy right here, I'd have a crowd
around me in two funky seconds.

'Cause everyone would want to see
a real-life time machine.

- Is that a challenge?
- No, it's really not a challenge.

Yo, deejay!

I'm deejay?

Give me a beat!

I have beet.

No. Please don't.

Oh. Oh.


What's wrong with that?
Persian classic, man!

Yes. Okay.


That's my house!

Hey, that shiny man stole my house!

What the-

Hey, shiny man.

- You break-dance?
- Yeah.

Back in the day,
I was the break-dance bomb.

They used to call me


I'm not deejay.

Oh, I feel-

Yo, Hammer pants.
What brought that on?

There just comes a time when we heed a certain
call when the world must come together as one.


I missed you.

I should get going.

Yeah. Me too.


- Thanks for the advice.
- You know. Anytime.

- I'll call you.
- Yeah.

Okay, guys. We're gonna need to update
our style since the last time we performed.

We need to start by updating
these freakin' parachute pants!

- Ain't nobody wearin' parachute pants no more.
- Parachute pants are timeless.


Let's just go through
the old AppleJack 2012 routine.

- Uh, no.
- Yeah.

Come on, man.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Oh, man!

What the hell are you doin'?
Which way you gonna go?

You're f-in' me up.
I'm supposed to go left.

Half of you did go left.
But the other half went right.

- How many halves you got?
- Guys, come on. Let-

Let's just start with something
a little simpler, okay?

Let's just start with the robot.

Okay? All right.

Remember, guys.
You're like a mannequin. Okay?

Whoa, whoa. Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait.
Aki, what the hell are you doin'?

Come on, man.
The robot's supposed to be your thing.

You look like C-3PO with R2-Dstuck up his ass.

Shut up! They don't do this anymore.

Guys, this is serious. We need to win this contest.

- And we can't let anything stand in our way.
- Hey. Who wants cookies?

Mom! You're ruining everything.

Justin Allen, what could I possibly
be ruining?

- Oh, oh.
- How many you need?

You have a girl on the phone for you.

Shut up!

- Hello.
- Justin.

- Hi, Jen.
- Do you have VH1 on?

Uh, n-Yeah. No.

Oh. Turn it down!


You are so lucky you missed out
when that song was popular.

That and "Whoomp! There It Is. "

Listen. Kip's throwing
this big party for the show.

You should come.
It's a pretty fun club.

I was in D&D Club.

Oh, it's not that kind of club?


I'm so glad you came.

How do you like this place?

Don't worry.
I learned about this in school.


- You're having a seizure. Don't swallow your tongue.
- Justin!

- Don't swallow it.
- Justin, get up off the man.

- He's krumping.
- Get out of here!

Get a real wallet!

Waterproof. Jealous?

Hey. The crapper's
right around the corner.

- Yeah. You can't miss it. It says "W"-
- Hey, Kip. Look who I found.

What? Hey!
Senor Coma.

Say, isn't it past your bedtime?

No. Mom said I could
stay out till midnight.

Whoa! Holy smokes, Jen.
Midnight, huh?

- Yeah.
- Is your mom gonna be waiting for you in the station wagon?

- No. I rode my bike.
- He's got a bike.

That's pretty cool. I had a bike. Do you have,
uh, the, uh, streamers on the handlebars?

Or how about the baseball cards
in the spokes? Remember those?

- Kip, stop it.
- I had a bike, Jen. I was just kidding with him.

- I got mags.
- You're a fag.

Hey, Andrew McCarthy.
Jen, I'll be right back.

Hey. Why don't you go to the bar
and get us a drink.

Well, do they have fruit punch?

The fruitiest.

- Sounds good.
- Delicious.

Here's lookin' at you, kid.

You're a jerk.


- Frontsies.
- Get away from me.




- You havin' some fun yet?
- This place is okay.

There's nothin' to do.

Shut up. All right. Look around you.
This place is freakin' amazing.

I'm gonna have a birthday party
at Chim E. Changa's. That place is awesome.

You wanna have fun?

Learn to dance like the brother.
I can help you out. Here.

Taste some of this.

Gives you wings, buddy.

It tastes like a laser.


Justin. Justin.


- Come on, baby. Justin.
- Emmanuel Lewis?

What are you doin' here?

Mackin' hos.

- You mack hos?
- I mack hos five nights a week, trick.

You ain't never seen
none of my home videos?


- Whoo!
- Ooh!



Justin, should I call you a cab?

Don't call me a cab.
You're a cab.

I missed you so much,
my little angel hair pasta.

Yes, I'm a jerk.
I'm a- I'm a jerk.

Justin, we're gonna go.

You suck.

I gotta go home.

Somebody's in here.

Okay. Okay!

All right then.

Justin, your father and I are not happy
with the way you have been acting.

Coming in at all hours. And you cannot
sit still for longer than two seconds.

It's like you're a 12-year-old
stuck in a 30-year-old body.

Yeah. And you have seriously
f'ed up my TiVo.

We know you have started
break-dancing again.

And, frankly, we have
enough money problems...

without worrying about you cracking
your head open doing that head spin thing.

I'm not doing head spins.
And-And I can help with the money.

- I just need more time.
- Is time gonna buy me a new TiVo?

Oh, my God!
Will you shut up about the TiVo!

- Jesus Christ!
- It's broken!

Okay, honey. We went
and we had a little talk with Dr. Fry.

And he, um- he gave us some medicine
to maybe help you settle down.

And it's called Ritalin.

Oh, God, no. Skin.

You'd rather me take drugs
than be funky fresh?

What is wrong with you people?

Just leave me alone!

- I think I'm gonna take a couple of these.
- Knock yourself out.

I know what the next big fad is.

- You remember the Rubik's Cube?
- Yes.

- You remember it, right?
- Yes.

Okay. I came up with
my own Rubik's Cube.

Except I put in a little culture.
Check it out.

Now presenting...
the Jewbik's Cube!

I'll sell a million
of these in Israel.

Jewish star, a money sign,
a menorah and a d-

Dude, you put a dick
on the Jewbik's Cube?

- Give me that.
- You loser.

It's a circumcised penis.

The only other real Jewish thing
I could think of.

Hey, Justin. So what are
we working on today?

Aki, do the robot.

How you used to.



Aki, it's time
to say domo arigato...

and find your inner Roboto.

- Domo.
- Domo.

But I can't show you the way.

But he can.

Justin, this is ridiculous.

Shoot, we ain't losin' a hundred grand
because of you. Just do the damn thing.

Before I punch you in the head
like a Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robot.

What in the hell is that?

This is robo-retarded.
I can't do it.

Listen, guys.
We may have gotten old...

or forgotten what we love...

or even been in a coma.

But starting today, right now...

we remember who we are.

'Cause we are the Funky Fresh Boyz.

Jen, we're gonna be late.

This is not happening.

All right.

I need you to tell me
everything you know...

about the female anatomy.

I think it's time I introduced you
to a little thing called...

the Internet.

- And that covers about, oh,
one-trillionth of everything.

Huh? Huh?

Justin. Justin.

By the power of Grayskull.

Bodies aren't supposed to-

Midget. Cheese Whiz.

That's not how you play Twister.

Ooh, I didn't see that one yet.
Click it.

- No, no, no.
- Click it.

- No, no, no.
- Click. Click.

Calm down, nigga.
You just hit puberty.

Okay. Now, what we need to do
is come up with a plan.

Okay? 'Cause
if we ain't got a-

Damn. She got a nice ass.

Click it.

You guys are Cole's crew, right?

Which one of you is Cole?

- You're Cole?
- You that dude from the contest?

A contest I'd like to see you win.

- Don't worry.
- But I am worried, Cole.

I'm worried that four
fat, dumb dance 'tards...

are gonna stir up a bunch of goodwill
and nostalgia...

and get their wack wrinkly asses
on my network for a year.

I can't let that happen.

That's where you four come in.

Now listen to me very carefully,
and I will make sure you get rich, famous...

and most important of all...

that you beat the Funky Fresh Boyz.

No problem.

Only we'll do more
than just beat them.

We'll make sure
that they get served.

Yeah. I don't think that sounds
as manly as you think it does.

- Yeah, huh.
- How old am I again?

All right.
Let's take it from the top.

Excuse me one second, girls.



- Hi, Justin.
- Oh, hey.

Hi. Yo.

Uh- I-D-Do you work right here?

I'd love to go to dinner with you.

But right now I have to
teach my dance class, okay?

- And, Darnell-
- He's not in here.

- You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
- Y-You look nice.

Darnell? You're here?



You pretend to be Jen.

I don't know why
you're making me be the girl.

Because there's more of you
to love, Hector.

Now here, put this on.

Justin, you just rang the doorbell.

Make your move.

- Hi, Justin.
- Hi.

- Justin, how do I look?
- Uh-

Justin, do I look nice?

Do you think that maybe I look nice?

You gotta make me feel pretty.
You gotta make me feel like a woman.

You know what
I'm telling you, huh, Justin?

You think I'm stupid?
I ain't stupid.

You don't tell me nothing.
You don't take me out.

You think I'm a whore?
I am no whore!

- I-
- You like that? Huh?

Do you? What's my name?
Say my name.

- Who's your father?
- De-de-de-de-de!

- Oh! Oh, oh!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doin'?

That's what adults do
on the Internet.

They get naked and ask each other
their names, right?

- Shave!
- Come on, man.

This is clearly not workin'.

Okay, what we need to do is,
we need to move to phase two.

What? It's muscle.

Just not toned.

Okay. All right.

Now, Justin, here's what
I need you to do.

You see that?

I need you to slowly-

slowly make your move
for the breasteses.

- You get it. Do it.
- There you go. Now come on.

- That's it.
- Yeah.

- Yeah. Now go slow. Slow.
- Slow, slow, slow, slow.

- You don't want to hurt her.
- Like this?

No, no, no, no.
Why you got the hand turned? No, no.

Straight up like that.
Exert your manliness.

- You just squeeze it.
- Wh-Wh-What are you showing him?

You have to play it
like a soft, little...

tiny violin.

Knock that off.

Yeah! You know, it's not a twist off.
You don't just twist the thing.

- You knead it.
- Shut up! It feels good like that for girls!

- You don't know.
- I'm doin' the lesson here! Yeah, now work it.

Now work it on your own.
Yeah, there you go. Now knead. Knead.

Lean in on her.
By now she should be likin' all that.

Lean in on her. Lean in on her.
Get in on it.

Now blow on 'em. Blow on 'em.
That's it. Now, work it. Work it.

- Yeah, work it. And lick your lips.
- Yeah.

You're a monster.
That's it.

- Come on now. Make your move.
- Stop it! Ow!

- Dude. All right!
- Justin, move on in.

I'm a man!

I am a man, all right?
This is a man. I'm not a woman.

- All right.
- I'm sorry.

How was that?
Did I pass?

Oh, you're like
a sexual machine animal.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You were good.

You were kneadin'-
I was feelin' it. I was feelin' it.

All right.

Okay, now go take a shower.
Take a shower now. Take a shower.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

Damn. He's never gonna get laid.

- He gonna die a virgin.
- Ever- Die.

My man just needs a little something
to get him through the night, you know?

Put him in the zone.

If only there was something really awesome
we could get for him to say or maybe wear.

Or drive.

- So where are we goin'?
- My ride should be here any minute.

Oh, you must be Jen.

And you're-

A young loner on a crusade to champion
the cause of the innocent...

the powerless, the helpless...

in a world of criminals
who operate above the law.

- Whoa.
- Right.

Well, you two, he's all yours.

Justin, remember...

91 octane or above.

He's getting a little old.

Oh, and, Justin...

like a little violin.

Thanks, David Hasselhoff.

Looks like they forgot my burger.

Oh, that's too bad.

Robble, robble.

I'm sorry.
Can you say that again?

I said, that's too bad
they forgot your hamburger.

Stinks, you know.
You must be hungry.

Robble, robble, robble.

Robble, robble, robble.

Give it back!
That's mine.

Hey, give me back my burg-

Robble, robble, robble, robble.

- Ro- Ro- Robble.
- Hey! Gimme.

Why are you marrying Kip?

Excuse me while I go
look at that thing over there.

He's a total homo-


He doesn't care
about what you want...

he's mean and he- he dresses like someone
Crockett and Tubbs should shoot.

Kip's not so bad.

We lost touch for a while and met up
after college. And, you know-

I missed everything.

- Don't say that.
- It's true.

Gremlins 2, Ghostbusters II.

I just found out they made jeans
washed in acid...

which is awesome.

But I missed that too.

Stupid coma.

It's not all bad.
You missed out on pimples...

hair-metal power ballads, prom.

- Bleh.
- No, I bet prom was nice.

No. They make it sound all nice
with rainbows and unicorns.

They forget to tell you
you're gonna get your period...

in your white dress.

I wish I could have
taken you to the prom.

I would have bought you
one of those flower things...

for your wrist that matched
the color of your period.

And then the deejay would have played
El DeBarge, and we could have slow danced.

Sounds like here's your chance.

You know, now that
you're taller than the girls...

your hands go here.

Justin, we can't.

I almost forgot.

I can't believe you kept this.

I was in a coma.
Made it kinda hard to throw out.

But I would have never
thrown this out.

This is the most important toy
I've ever owned in my whole life.

It's a good thing David
had my seats Scotchgarded.

Justin, could you please not-

I'll never...

play video games again.

Let me just shut that off.

Oh, my God.
It's Kip.

Oh, my God.
What am I doing?

Oh, my God. I'm engaged.
What am I doing?

Seriously, what am I doing?
Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.
Justin, I'm so sorry.

Justin, I'm so sorry.

- I'm sorry, Justin!
- Why are you sorry?

- Kip!
- That was awesome.

Justin. Justin!

 I touched a booby 

 It was so fluffy
I made it jiggle 

-  Uh, uh, uh, uh 
- Justin. Justin! Relax.

- Tell me now. What happened?
- Okay.

We kissed on the face.
And then she opened up her shirt.

And then she- she-
I touched her left booby.

And then she cried and ran away.

What base is that?

Nigga, that ain't a base.
That's a crime.

- Justin, you just can't-
- Party!

Hey, Jen!

Aki, Hector.
Great to see you guys.

Wow. You two are like a bad buddy cop movie
waiting to happen.

What are you, Detective Rice
and Detective Beans?

Could you guys give this
to Justin for me?

We're not stayin'?

Justin will be back in a second.
He just went to the bathroom.

Oh, Jen!

Hey, Jen!

Hey, Jen! Hey.

Isn't this place cool?

Hey. Oh, I won this
playing Skee-Ball.

Hmm. Garfield.
That's sweet.

Yeah. Twenty-one tickets.
No big whoop.

Let's play Whaca Taco.
Come on.

Oh! Oh!


Hey. Number nine.

Is that number 10...

for ya, fatty?

- Justin, we need to talk.
- Okay.

But you gotta talk
and whack at the same time.

I wanted to buy you something
that you could wear...

since we're both going steady.

- But since I didn't get my allowance this week-
- Justin, we're not going steady.

But last night.

Last night was a mistake.

I'm with Kip.

We're getting married.

We have stability,
we're talking about starting a family.

I can't just give up on that because of
what we had 20 years ago.

I don't get it.

I don't expect you to get it.

It's complicated.

You're still just a kid.

May I see the Garfield eraser
for a second, please?

Calm down.
Stop it!

Try not to hate me.

I hate you more
than Garfield hates Mondays.

I thought Garfield hated lasagna.

Garfield loves lasagna!

I wish they would've
taken me off life support.

Work it, Hector!

Work it, Hector!

Oh. Yo, man!

Oh, uh-oh. What you got?
What you got, Justin?

Go, Coma! Go, Coma!

Go, Coma! Go, Coma!
Go, Coma! Go, Coma!

You can dance in a video game...

but can you dance on the street?


- I'm leaving.
- But you're gonna miss all the fun.

That sounds like a challenge.

Oh, it's definitely
a challenge, son.

You and me in the parking lot,
mano a mano.

You had mono?

Well, I was in a coma.

Justin, you don't have to do this.

Oh, thanks for caring. Not!

Get to steppin', Jen.

Bye, Jen.


- What's up?
- Hey.

Yeah, that's right.

That's right, son.


- Ah, no, no, no!
- De-de-de-de-de!

That's good. That's good.
You're good.

Watch this.

One song.
Crowd picks the winner.


Say it, don't spray it.

- Yeah, man. Yeah.
- Justin! Justin!

Yeah, what you got?
What you got?

This shrimp ain't nothin'.

Oh, yeah. That old trick?

He's great.
Oh, crap.

What am I doin' here?
Mom? Dad? Yogurt? Coma?

Wake up! Wake up!

You just got served, son!

Damn! What the hell
you ruin the cake for?

I fixed it so it looks like my life.

Like a big piece of doody.

- Doesn't it look like doody?
- Mm-mmm.

- We don't want to talk about no doody cake.
- My life is doody cake.

My life is like
one big piece of crap...

that was put in
the freezer forever...

and then thawed out in a hurry.

And now they're both big...

squished soggy pieces of... shit!

- Justin!
- Shit cake that nobody wants!

- What are you doing?
- What are you doing?

Chill, Justin!

Justin! What the hell are you doin'?

Chill, Justin! This is already
embarrassing enough.

Yeah, your analogy
is tenuous at best.

We're a bunch of losers.

We're a bunch of 30-year-old men...

pretending to be 13 years old
trying to win a dance contest.

Hey, guys...

that's a great way to redeem
our failed and miserable lives.

- Let's enter a dance contest.
- This was your idea!

I was in a coma!

I feel like a retard.

Uh, Justin,
it's not really P.C. to say-


Who's retarded?

It's not nice to say "retarded. "

Bye, Orko.

Bye, Jokey Smurf.

Bye, Micro Machines made by Galoob.

What in the hell...

have we gotten ourselves into?

Hey. Watch where
you're goin', egg roll. A'ight?

What? What?

- Huh!
- What the-

What-What about them?

Thing's starting soon.
We gotta sign up.

- Justin's not coming.
- Man, we don't need that stupid white boy.

Who needs him?

Uh, guys, we do.

Crew must have four members.

That was fast.
Anyone want pizza?

Hey, man, hold on.
We're not gonna give up.

Look, all we need
is another break-dancer.

Technically, we need just one more person
who says he's a break-dancer.

Okay. And the fourth
Funky Fresh Boy.

- Name?
- Mad Slick, A.K.A. Dr. Aquafresh...

A.K.A. Big Jennifer Garner...

A.K.A. Tim Russert-

- Okay.
- I'm not finished!

A.K.A. Cream of Wheat,
A.K.A. Half an Onion Bagel...

A.K.A. Carl-Carl-Carl-
That's Carl with a "C," not a "K."


Carl. Okay. Thanks.

Yeah, way to go.

Funky Fresh Boyz!


This is Get 2 Steppin'!
And here's your host...

Kip Unger!


Come on, people!

Kip! Kip! Kip! Kip! Kip!

- Come on. Let me hear ya!
- Come on!

Kip! Kip! Kip!


You're watchin' Get 2 Steppin'.
I'm your host, Kip Unger.

- Just Kip, Kip-
- Kippin' it real!

Kippin' it real, you betcha.
To my left, spinnin' the stacks of wax...

give it up for D.J. Tanner!

All day, baby.

Today, the best dance crews
in the world...

will compete on this stage

When they're done,
you all get the final word.

- So, if you like somethin', make some noise.
- Yeah!

All right, let's hit off our first battle
with two randomly selected crews.

Iced Cole Krew versus the Misfitz.
Give it up!

Are you ready?

Iced Cole Krew!

Get to steppin'!

One, two, three, you're up!

I think we're out
of our league here.

Come on, man. Don't talk like that.
We can do this.

Let's hear it, y'all!

Get to steppin'.
Get to steppin'.

All right.
Next up...

give it up for Wack Attack
versus the Funky Fresh Boyz.

Okay! Yeah!
Funky Fresh Boyz. Wack Attack.

Get to steppin'!

Are you ready, Funky Fresh Boyz?

What's up? Bring it.
Bring it.


You're goin' down'! You're goin' down, low fry.


Get to steppin'!

Get to steppin'!
Get to steppin'!

- Hey, sweetie!
- Yeah?

- You suck!
- Whoa, what just happened?

Yeah! I don't know.
I told you guys we could do this.

- Throw your hands up. Throw your hands up.
- They like us!

Get to steppin'!

Get to steppin'!

Get to steppin'!

Ah, check me out.


All right.
That was great.

Next up, Iced Cole Krew
versus Pink Sushi.




All right. Next up,
the Funky Fresh Boyz...

against the Krump Kings.

Funky Fresh Boyz.
Krump Kings.

Get to steppin'!



- You suck!
- What?

Hey, they got medication for that now.

Yeah! That's right!

We got some. We got some.
We got some moves.


- Yeah!
- Yeah!

- So, what do you think, boss?
- What I always think.

It'll be a huge hit
or a massive flop.

How about a huge,
massive, floppy hit?

- What the hell does that mean?
- I don't know.

How did Cole's crew
know to show up at Justin's party?


- God!
- Why'd you do it, Kip?

Why'd I do it?

Because I'm not about to
let some man-child in plastic pants...

ruin what I've worked so hard for.

- At least that man-child knows who he is.
- Oh, okay.

So, what, you two are gonna run off to magical
cupcake land and live happily ever after?

On what, your teaching salary?

His- His winnings from dance contests?
Grow up.

What are you doin' to me, girl?

Look, when times get tough...

you just gotta look at your hand...

see how nice this ring is...

and remember what you stand to lose
if you lose me.

What I stand to lose?

- Gag me with a big ego and a little di-
- Don't... go there.

You're a jerk-wad.

Yeah, well, have fun babysitting.

You know, Justin might be
a little kid, Kip...

but he's got more balls
than you'll ever have.

What, like three?

Kip, bust a move.

Oh, hell no.

You and your boyfriend
can take that good bitch, bad bitch routine...

and stick it right up your snutzy.

- Snutzy?
- Okay.

Terrified to ask what my snutzy is.

I'll tell ya.

And he's not my boyfriend.

He's probably gonna have security
drag me out of the building in 10 seconds.

What do you guys need?

It's not what.
It's who.

- Why are you smashing Legos?
- These are a lie.

They teach you
that life's all fun...

and you can make anything you want.

But you can't really
make anything you want.

You just get old, boring and fat.

How did you find me?

It's the only bar in town with a B.M.X. bike
parked in front.

Justin, I'm sorry I ran out
the other day.

I'm sorry it's because of Kip.

But if you let
the Funky Fresh Boyz down-

I let 'em down
by draggin' 'em into this!

Winning a break-dancing contest
is a stupid kid's dream!

You have to work to make money,
the way adults do.

Like, in an office.

Like, doin' office things.

Like, making copies...

and... not of your butt.


maybe it is a kid's dream.

But I love you because you're a kid.

Everyone I know only cares about
trying to show how adult they are.

Except for you.

And that's the most
beautiful part about you.

And your friends...

the ones who never give up on you...

they need you.

Almost as much as I do.

You want another one of these?

Can I have a Shirley Temple?

To go.

- It's the final battle.
- Yeah!

And here it goes.

Iced Cole Krew...

versus- and I don't know how
they're still here-

- but the Funky Fresh Boyz.
- Yeah!

All right! Let's go!

Well, if it isn't Larry, Curly and Homo.

The final battle begins
in three, two-



- Justin.
- Justin.

Well, look what the '80s
dragged in, folks.

Kip, hold up. Um, we're gonna need
to make a substitution.

Oh, sorry. Rules is rules. Uh, you gotta dance
with the ones you brought.

- Let him dance!
- Shut up, Jen.

Yeah! Let him dance!
Let him dance!

Let him dance!
Let him dance!

Let him dance! Let him dance!

Let him dance!
Let him dance!

- Let him dance!
- All right. Okay.

Let him dance!
Let him dance!

Okay. All right.
All right. All right!

All right!
All right!

All right. Awesome.

But it's actually up to Cole.


What's up, Chicken Little?

All right.
Don't worry. I got this.

We can't risk it.

Just trust me, all right?

Let him dance, yo.

Go show 'em, Justin.


Yeah! Yeah!


I knew you were gonna make it!
I knew you'd make it!

Come here!
Come on!

Huddle up, guys.
When we were kids...

rap was all about food
and girls and fun stuff.

Now times have changed.
Now rap is all about...

- puttin' wheels on your cars and slappin' women.
- Yeah.

But this stuff can still be fun.

So, let's-
let's just have fun out there.

Okay, I got one thing to say.

karate here, karate here-

- karate never here.
- No, karate's not there.

- I'm sorry. I was aiming for your belt.
- That's not karate. That's weird.

Ancient crane technique-
if do right, no can defend.


- What the hell does that mean?
- Guys, come on.

This is the first step
on the road to becoming...

whatever the hell we want.

- Homeboys forever.
- Homeboys forever.

Funky Fresh Boyz! F.F.B.!


Iced Cole Krew, get to steppin'!

Mom, how'd you find me?

But they need me.

Justin, come on!

- Mom, this is important!
- Justin...

this break-dancing thing has caused
this family nothing but heartache.

It's time to grow up, Son.

You want me to be a grown-up
and stop break-dancing?

That's fine.
I respect that.

- But being a grown-up means making your
own decisions. - Hey, come on! Justin!

The world don't move
to the beat of just one drum.

What might be right for you
may not be right for some.

- Justin! Come on, man!
- Everybody's got a way to shine.

They'll have theirs...

you'll have yours...

and I'll have mine.

And together we'll be fine.

It takes different strokes.

Different strokes?

Different strokes to move the world.

You tear it up, Son.

You have a good time, have fun,
and you pop a move.

All right.

go show those player-haters
who's bad.

Thank you!

Let's jam!

Gonna bust a move.

Prince Def Rock!

- Chilly Chill.
- P-P-P-Popcorn!

Rocket Shoe.

Funky Fresh Boyz! F.F.B.!





Watch how it's done,
old man. Step aside.

I can do this.

Okay, well, maybe I can't.

I gotta do the move.

What you got?

No, not again, Justin!

Oh, my God! Justin!

Justin! No!

All right!

All right. For
a hundred thousand dollars...

and a one-year contract
with D-Zone Videos-

Iced Cole Krew!

They were so good.

Or the Funky Fresh-

My baby!

Yeah! Yeah!


Funky Fart Phonies!

Oh, don't cry, Kip.

You all right, dude?

He ruins... everything!


He gives the girl I like
a freakin' Garbage Pail Kid!

And I gotta wait 17 more years
to get in her pants!

This is bullshit!

Me and you, Justin!

Last dance-off.
You're gonna get served!

Man. Look at me, man.

Freakin' geek!

- Kip. Kip!
- You're all sluts!

- Baby, calm down.
- How many of you people even know you're alive?


Hey, hey, hey.
It'll be fine.

His pasty white ass is not gonna be
on your network for a year.


Thanks, Bill.

He's gonna be on my network.
You're fired.

You're firing me?

Kip? Kippin' it real?
You're firing me?

What, are you freakin' retarded?

It's not nice to say retarded.


Did we win?

The worms in my brain say we win.

Get down with my bad-

Oh! Keep it real, Kip!


We did it, baby! We did it!
Here we go. Here we go.

- Yeah, yeah, show me the money! Show me the money!
- Thank you.



Funky Fresh! Funky Fresh! Funky Fresh!

Special thanks to SergeiK.