King's Ransom Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the King's Ransom script is here for all you fans of the Anthony Anderson movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some King's Ransom quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

King's Ransom Script

Yeah, yeah

Gotta go and shout out

I have a lot of money,

`Cause the girls all liKe
a movie star

How you livin`, Cal?

Livin` liKe a King

WaKe up, Chicago.
This is your morning man...

getting you up
and on your way...

at 8:10 in the A.M.
On WPJW, 98.
Now listen up.
Do you need some money?

Well, you just might win it
with the lottery.

It`s up to $71 million.

Tell you something...
I got my ticKet. How about you?

On the serious tip...
you heard about MarK Wilson...

the little 10-year-old boy
that was Kidnapped?

Well, we`ve got no news yet...

but when we Know something,
you`ll Know something.

Updates coming later on at noon.

So Keep it right here
on WPJW, 98.5.

Damn, l`m pretty.


Since I got this money

And it`s mine,
let me flaunt it

How you livin`?

L`m livin` liKe a King,

Malcolm King`s office.

Ha ha ha ha!
Miss Gladys...

l`m pulling into the office
in two minutes, all right?

Have my messages
and my coffee ready!

turn that music down!

No, l`m not gonna
turn down my music!

Miss Gladys, this is my song!


Yeah, yeah

Uh-huh, yeah

Well, well

I wanna flaunt it, yeah

Mr. King, sir.
How are we feeling today, sir?

Rich. Hey, Andre,
Benz is a little dusty, man.

Wash it for me.

Your car is
in perfectly good hands.

MaKe sure you don`t scratch it.


- Hey, Mr. King.
- Yes, that`s me.

King Enterprises Limited.
Please hold.

Mr. King...

Hey, Charles.
Give me a half hour, OK?


Good morning, Mr. King.

Hey, how`s my poor little
rich girl today?

Tell me, how does it feel...

to have to worK
for a living now, huh?

Mr. King, worKing here
isn`t liKe worKing at all!

Good morning, ladies.


I have some feedbacK
from the photo shoot today.

OK, one minute. One minute.
Two words... biKini wax.

LooKed liKe you had a midget
holding a fistful of twigs.

- He`s not talKing about me.
- Oh!

Morning, Miss Gladys.

Morning, Malcolm.

Mmm. ThanK you.

Miss Gladys...

I need you to transfer 135,to my personal account.

L`m taKing delivery
of that Ferrari today.

What did I tell you, Malcolm?
No way.

But it`s my money!

And it`s because of me
Keeping my eye on it...

that you have any left.

You`re just gonna have to drive
one of your other five cars.

Here are your messages.

ThanK you.

Oh. Peaches,
who`s on line two?


Peaches, who is on line two?

- Pea...
- Ange, I forget.

Oh! Great. They hung up.

So, nothing
from Andrew Ross, huh?

Ahem. No.

Damn it.

LooK, if we don`t close
this deal now...

l`m gonna have to wait
another six weeKs.

He`s about to go on
this stupid hot-air balloon...

around-the-world expedition.

You Know, white folKs is crazy.
But their money is sane.

Whoo! Their money is sane.

You are about to give
a big old party...

celebrating the tenth
anniversary of your company.

Why would you want to sell it
off to some spoiled rich Kid...

IooKing to cash in
on what you`ve built?

that spoiled rich Kid...

is about to give me
25 million for my company...

so you damn well better
start warming up to him.

``Damn well``?!

What did I tell you
about your mouth, boy?

You Know I don`t liKe
no cussin` up in here.

Cuss again,
l`ll hit you upside your head.

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh.

Your wife`s lawyer agreed
to have the meeting...

in the conference room
here tomorrow.

So... you finally decided
to divorce the bitch, huh?

The bitch... is history.

Ow! What?!

What did I tell you
about your mouth?

But you just said
the same thing, Miss Gladys!

Well, if I jump off a bridge,
you gonna jump off one, too?

Lt`s not going so good
with Peaches, huh?


If this were a strip club
or an airhead convention.

The last time I checKed,
we were a marKeting firm.

This is a place of business.

We got worK to do.

Angela, all God`s children
deserve a chance.

Her dumb ass deserves the boot!

OK, that`s not nice.

``Not nice``? Get...

l`m gonna tell you
what`s not nice.

It`s Malcolm King forcing me
to hire another one...

of his incompetent little
hoochies as my assistant.

I Know.

I can`t stand Malcolm King...

and King Enterprises.

But if I wasn`t a locK
for that V.P. Position...

I would be out of here so fast.

- Oh, I Know.
- I deserve the promotion anyway.

L`ve been doing the damn job
for the past few months.

L`ve got a master`s degree
from Yale.

- Yale.
- And 10 years of experience.

I just got
the car of my dreams...

I closed escrow
on a pretty three-bedroom.

I mean, my apartment
is pacKed up already.

L`ve got to get that promotion.

Do you want me
to say a prayer for you?

Not now.

I don`t want you to taKe this
the wrong way...


But ever since you got saved...

you`ve been a little...
extra with the God stuff.



- My Jesus piece?
- Yeah.

I just got it.
It`s great, right?

Why is this happening?

My milKshaKe brings
all the boys to the yard

Guys, scram!

Peaches, don`t you have
some worK to do?

I finished my coloring.

Marco, taKe my coat.

TaKe my coat.

Yeah, you did
a good job on this, man...

but I thinK
you need to get the bacK.

- Ahem.
- Yeah.

That`s a nice ride
you got there.

What does the ``King`` stand for?

That`s my last name.

Ah, really?
So, what`s your first name?



Corey, get up here!

Coming, Granny.

$300, and you got
all those wonderful things.

And l`m going to show you...

MaKe yourself useful.
Go picK me up a pacK of smoKes.

Hand me my massage pillow,
will you?

Right now, tonight.

But now we`ve got
to get two traders...

who will risK what
they`ve already won...

Here you go. OK?

...sofa and color TV
worth 2,190...

and they`re ready to go.


What`s the matter, big brother?
Ain`t you glad to see me?

Yeah. No!
What are you doing, Raven?

I thought you were still
in prison for armed robbery.

Yeah, well, I was until
I broKe out this morning.

- Ahh! Ahh! Hey!
- Listen.

I need you to get me money.

Enough to buy me
a Mexican vacation.

I don`t have any money, Raven.

I Know that, loser.

I got a plan,
and I need your help.

Well, whatever your plan is,
I don`t want any part of it.

Shut up. You`re gonna do
exactly what I tell you to do.

You been hearing about this
little boy who got Kidnapped?

- Yeah.
- Well, that`s the plan.

You`re gonna help me
Kidnap some...

No, no,
l`m not Kidnapping anybody.

Then you better figure out a way
to turn no dollars into $10,000.

L... $10,000?
There`s no way I can do that.

LooK, if I get caught again,
you`re going down with me...

and we both Know you won`t last
one second in prison.


Ten grand, Corey.

L`ll be in touch.

Give me Malcolm.

Hold on.

The bitch is on line one.

Damn it! OK.

You want me to stop?

Oh, no, baby, Keep going.

Uh, Renee, what`s up?

What do you want?

Miss Gladys?

Miss Gladys,
there is nobody on line one!

I thinK I accidentally
hung up on her.

Mmm! Oh, get bacK to worK, baby.

Mmm! Hot damn! Whoo!

Malcolm King`s office.

You hung up on me,
you old witch.

Call me that again,
and I will snatch...

every bit of faKe hair
out of your nappy head.

Just do your job
and get Malcolm.

Gold-digger. Hold on!


She`s on line one.

What do you want, Renee?

Ah, there you are.

Must you cancel
all of my credit cards?

What am I supposed
to do for money?

Hell if I care.
Ha ha ha ha ha!

That sounds embarrassing.

Where were you
when they canceled...

all of your credit cards?
Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha.
Laugh all you want to now...

but we`ll see who`s laughing
after the divorce...

because my lawyer assured me
that I will be getting...

a very lucrative
divorce settlement...

very lucrative.

At least half, maybe more.

And just liKe sex with you
after two minutes...

this conversation is over.



I Know he`s gonna
try something slicK...

to get out of paying me.

Don`t you have some worK to do?


finished with the pool.

I wasn`t talKing about...

the pool.

You must thinK that I have
very poor eyesight, Counselor.

Your list of marital assets
has several glaring omissions...

most notably,
King Enterprises.

And its holdings.

For the one hundredth time,

King Enterprises Limited...

is the sole ownership
of Malcolm King...

and I will not...
we will not stand by...

and watch it be broKen up
out of spite.

- Your food`s here.
- Oh, thanK you.

Oh, let me guess...

Kung pao chicKen
without vegetables...

not too spicy,
all white meat...

with extra fortune cooKies.

He gets the same thing
all of the time.

Bo... ring.

Can we offer
you ladies anything?

No, thanK you.
L`m not hungry.

Oh, hell.

Why don`t I just taKe half
of Malcolm`s food anyway?

Note that.

LooK, Counselor,
Renee has been with Malcolm...

since the very beginning
of King Enterprises...

and deserves a half a share
of the company.

- What?
- Hell, I deserve all of it.

- You said so yourself.
- When?

Find that little thing.


Ah, here is it.

``My dearest Renee...

``everything I have built,
I built for you.

``Love always, Malcolm. ``

Ooh. Poetry.

It`s a greeting card, man.

I was drunK when I wrote it...

and she was butt-naKed
on the floor. What?

We are seeKing
the primary residence...

as well as
one of the vacation homes.

L`ve already gone ahead and
had the laKe house appraised.

The details are inside.

Now, as far as
preliminary meetings go...

it wasn`t so bad.

I need that money, Anita.

This hair does not grow
on trees.


Hi. Hi, Mrs. King.

LooKs liKe we`re gonna have
to do this the hard way.

You Know, l`m just gonna
call you Renee.

No, you won`t.

Well, this is disastrous.

What`s wrong?

Another divorce case that l`ve
been worKing on for months...

but my client
neglected to tell me...

that she has been having
an affair.


And guess what?
The judge found out.

I sure hope
the sex was worth it...

because she just cost
herself millions.


So, you just gonna let them
waltz outta here liKe that, huh?

I can`t maKe them
taKe our offer, Malcolm.

Listen... listen to me.
There is a very real chance...

Renee could walK out of this
with half of King Enterprises.

That... that valentine
was brilliant, man.

David. David!

I will handle it myself.

Malcolm, I Know that looK.

I Know that...
Do not do anything crazy.

Do not.

ThanKs for nothing, David.
See yourself out.




OK, let me
rocK you steady, ma

Dollars don`t fall, man,
it`s not confetti

This ain`t a punchline,
battle rhyme, lunch line

This is just to get you
twistin` up your body one time

If not one time,
do it two

One, two, three, shoot.


- Oh.
- Oh, thanK you.

- Andre, right?
- Yeah.

Oh, good.
I need to asK you a favor.

Whassup, whassup, whassup?

Oh, well, oh...

I was hoping you could wax this
real good for me...

and try not
to leave any scratches.

Hey, well, you Know,
whatever you`re into, baby.

So, you`re gonna hooK me up?

Hell, yes.

Oh! Ha ha ha!
You`re so sweet.

Um, l`ll call and set up
a time with you later.

And don`t worry.

L`ll definitely
maKe it worth your while.

Oh. Mwah.

ThanK you.
Hee hee hee hee!

Keys, Keys.


I forgot.


- Oh, Andre?
- Yes.

Are my stripes crooKed?


Oh! ThanK you.

My rump shaKe`s
in demand

I Know you liKe it,
watch your hand

Whoo! Ha ha ha ha!

Yes, I can

Somebody parK the car.

Good morning, Miss Gladys.

Good morning.
Oh, you made the front page.



That little punK.

He told me
this wasn`t supposed to run...

until a weeK from Sunday.

This is just gonna give
Renee more ammo...

and my blacK ass is the target.

Malcolm King.

Cha-ching, cha-ching,


Heh heh heh heh.


Oh, my God. What`d she say?

Oh, my God!
Malcolm, Malcolm, stop that!


Pull yourself together now.
Straighten up.

L`ll be in my office.

Be the burger.

What`s up, bro?

Get a real job!

ThinK fast.

Corey, buddy.

Mind if I join you?

You Know, son,
they say with great power...

comes great responsibility.

Oh, sure, everyone thinKs being
shift manager is all glory.

And it is.

But there are also times...

when l`m forced to maKe
the tough calls...

times liKe these.

You`re firing me?

Yeah, l`m firing you.

You see, your energy level is
just not where it used to be...

and as the team leader...

I need everyone to be
really into their jobs.

TaKe Pablo here.
Now, here`s a guy...

that`s taKing the world
by the buns, you Know?

Right, Pablo?

Because you`re no longer
an employee here...

I can`t comp your shift meal.

Hey, Pablo, you`re up.
Be the burger.

All right, everyone,
bacK to worK.

Let`s go. Come on.
Keep it rolling.

I have a very important
announcement to maKe.

As all of you Know,
for the past few months...

Angela DraKe has stood in...

as acting vice-president
of marKeting...

while l`ve had to decide...

who`s going to fill
that position permanently.


as of today
she`s no longer acting.


My recipe
for a successful company?

Use the best ingredients.

Hire the best people
for the job...

and allow them to do
what they do best.

This woman has continually
helped me rise to the occasion.

Ladies and gentlemen...

our new vice-president
of marKeting...


Angela, could you step
to the side, please?


Step to the side, please.

Miss Peaches ClarKe.

Round of applause, everyone.

Miss Peaches ClarKe.



You deserve it.

Oh, you guys! This is amazing!

Why are you clapping?
Stop clapping.

Sit down!
This is totally ridiculous!

You`re out of your mind!
I can`t believe this!

- Peaches? What?
- Angela...

You have lost your mind.

- What?
- Peaches?

What Kind of name is Peaches?
Lt`s a bushel of fruit.

Angela, you need to calm down.

What seems to be the problem?

Me, 10 years.

Is there something
you`d liKe to say?

Peaches? I can`t believe...

Yes, Mr. King, I got...
I got something to say.

Yeah. I have a recipe for you.

OK? Lt`s called
Kiss my ass sandwich.

And you Know what
the ingredients are? Huh?

Lt`s your crusty lips...

and my blacK ass.

- Damn.
- Oh, my goodness.

There is something else
l`d liKe to say.

I quit!

Well, somebody must be
on their rag today.

Oh, l`m early! L... l...

Oh, no, no, no. No, baby.
Let`s go to my office...

and talK about
your new V.P. Job.

L`m a V.P.! LooK at me!

L`m excited!

Hey! Mr. King, hey.
I read in the newspaper...

how you turned $into $15 million.

You can help me do that,
turn $1...

You Know what? You could help me
turn $1 into $10,000.

And I Know you could do it,
because you`re a genius.

I inspire people a lot.
ThanK you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You Know what?

There`s a spot for me
in King Enterprises.

It`s OK. There`s a spot for me
in King Enterprises.

High... highly motivated,
grab life by the horns.

Just liKe you did. That`s me.

And I have vocational sKills
that could benefit you greatly.

You Know, son,
they say you can tell...

everything about a man
by the shoes that he wears...

And your shoes sucK.
And this right here...

is the closest that
you`ll ever be to $15 million.

Now, that was funny.

Yes, it was.
Ha ha ha ha!

Where you going? Hey. Ho.


May I help you?

Yes, I hope you can.
I was wondering...

how much you could give me
for all these tools.

I give you 200 for everything.

Oh. Is there any way
you can go a little higher?

L`m... l`m Kind of in a jam.

So, you pretty desperate?

I am so desperate.

- 100.
- You just said 200.

No, I didn`t.

Give me the hundred.

Billionaire Andrew Ross...

said good-bye
to solid ground today...

when his hot-air balloon
tooK off for the Arctic Circle.

Amy Russell
has footage at 10:00.

And now the winning numbers...

Shh. She`s about
to picK the numbers.

Gambling is sinful, ladies.

Get your ticKets ready.

Ooh, ooh, here it is, baby.
It`s number time.

Tonight`s winning
lottery numbers are...


- Three.
- Seven...

- Seven.
- Eleven...

- Eleven.
- Nineteen...

- Twenty-two...
- Twenty-two.

And forty-one.
Hope this was your lucKy night.


And this just in.

Finally, a happy ending
to the Kidnapping saga...

of little MarK Wilson.

He was safely returned
to his parents...

Oh, shut up.

After they conceded
to the Kidnappers` demands...

and paid
a $5-million ransom.

Still, the Kidnappers
remain at large...

and authorities have few leads.

You Know, Bill,
that`s a lot of money.

Huh. Damn right, it is.

That`s it. That`s it.
I Know what we`re gonna do.

I Know what we`re gonna do.
I Know what we`re gonna do.

Oh! Oh!

I want you to Kidnap him.


That`s right.
I want you to Kidnap his ass.

But why would you
Kidnap yourself?

To Keep Renee
from getting my money.

Just in case
this divorce settlement...

does not worK out in my favor...

I want to maKe sure
that I get some money.

And you Know
what the best part is?

- What?
- I won`t be in any real danger.

- You want to Know why?
- Why?

Because l`m gonna hire
the man to Kidnap me myself.

Oh. Ooh, Malcolm,
you`re a genius.

Have you lost your mind?

- No.
- Angela DraKe...

Someone has got to teach
Malcolm King a lesson.

I mean, he can`t Keep
treating people liKe dirt.

In fact,
we`ll do it tomorrow night.


Yes, yes, yes.
Tomorrow night at the party.


There`ll be witnesses there.

But what if they see

That way, it will looK real.

Oh. I thinK I got it.

L`m gonna draw you
some pictures.

What if you get caught?

We`re not getting caught.

I mean, these fools that
Kidnapped this little boy...

didn`t get caught,
and I don`t thinK any of them...

had a master`s degree
from Harvard.

Yeah, well, mayb...

I thought you went to Yale.

I did undergrad at Yale.

Do you Know how humiliated
my parents would be...

if I was implicated in
a Kidnapping?

- You can`t thinK about them.
- Exactly.

L`d be liKe Patty Hearst,
but with way better hair.

Yes. Now you`re talKing.

You two are seriously talKing
about Kidnapping someone?

- We`ll tape his mouth.
- No.

Malcolm King can`t talK.
We`ll tie him up.

We`ll tie his hands,
we`ll tie his feet...

and we`ll jiggle him.

We`ll just shaKe
all that blubber...

and we`ll just maKe him beg.


Malcolm King...

is getting Kidnapped.


L`ll see you tomorrow night,
Malcolm King.

Ha ha ha! Fun.

Oh! Aah!

Malcolm, baby, come to bed.

Uh-uh. Not right now, baby.
L`m almost finished.

L`m almost finished.

Ah. Not for nothing, baby...

this has got to be
the best Kidnapping plan ever.

Hmm. LooK at this.

L`ll be last seen
at around 11:00 P.M., right?


OK, l`ll be bacK
in a minute. Ha ha ha!

Oh, and then l`m grabbed
outside the benefit at 11:00.

LooK, you see that? Boom, right?

And then l`m taKen
to the secret location.

Now, just to throw people off...

a ransom note will be sent
to my gold-digging wife...

demanding $10 million
for my safe return.

Uh-huh. And it`s gonna contain
all the usual stuff.

You Know,
don`t contact the police...

or the media...
blah, blah, blah...

because if you do,
we`re gonna Kill him.

Hmm. Yes. Now looK at Renee.

When she hears this...

she probably
gonna start celebrating.

Then she`ll remember
that I cut her out of my will.


And then it sinKs in.

No Malcolm, no money.

- Ha ha!
- Wow.

So now she has
to call the only person...

that has access to my money.
Bam! Miss Gladys.

And you Know Miss Gladys
would never let...

a hair on my pretty little
head be harmed. Ha ha!

So, Miss Gladys maKes the drop.

Ooh. Ooh. Hmm.
This is my favorite part, baby.

Renee... how she lives afterwards.

She slides into
a soul-deadening spiral...

into the bottom of
the deep bowels of the earth.

LooK, and then
she livin` in Tent City...

by the freeway in L.A.
By the Staples Center.

That`s her living in a tent.
LooK at her.

LooK at her, looK at her.
LooK at her.

It`s flawless, baby.

It`s... it`s amazing.

- Except...
- Except what?


I need somebody to actually
grab me outside of the benefit.

Somebody that the police
could never connect me to.


A disposable dumb-ass
to taKe the dive.

But who?

What about my brother?


L`m picKing him up tomorrow.
He could use the worK.

He`s had trouble
holding down jobs in the past.

Heh. Your brother.

What`s he liKe?

Oh, he`s... he`s super-smart.

He`s a real sweetheart.
Everyone loves him.

Nothin` can stop me now

then all you hear is pow...



Call me the riser
`cause I stay with the heat

lmagine, if you will,
your worst nightmare

Mobbin` through your hood,
your life is in danger

lmagine, if you will,
your worst nightmare

Bang on the catwalK,
slicK with the gun talK

Oh! Guess what?

I got a way
you can maKe some big money...

but it`s a top-secret plan...

which means
you can`t tell anyone.

So, it`s too bad
your Mercedes got stolen...

and we had
to taKe a cab tonight.

I Know, right?

ThanKs for paying for it.
Appreciate that.

LooK, when
we`re in this party...

a lot of people in there
gonna be calling me Andre...

and that`s because, you Know...

I tell my employees,
``Call me Andre. ``

I don`t liKe my employees
calling me Malcolm.

I understand.

You can`t let your employees
get too familiar.

- You are so smart.
- ThanK you very much.

- Andre, hi.
- Hi. Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Well, do you remember what
we talKed about earlier?

Hell, yeah.

Oh, good. Well, I Know
we already set up a time...

but I was hoping we could do it
a little bit sooner.

You just tell me when,
and l`ll be ready.

Oh! I love him!


I guess l`ll see you then.

- Yeah.
- ThanK you.

You`re so welcome.

- OK.
- See you later.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Over here, baby.






Malcolm! What`s your problem?

You disrespect me liKe that,
staring at her booty?

L`m standing right beside you.
How could you do that?

Why you trippin`?
Ain`t nobody starin`...

at that fine, apple-bottom,

- l`m trippin`.
- Just want to bite it.

Am I crazy? Huh?

Am I some crazy lady
standing out here, crazy?

Seeing things
that didn`t really happen?

Is that the problem?
You Know what?

Don`t even say anything.
You Know why?

L`ve had enough of this.
You can`t handle this anyway.

- L`m out.
- OK, be on out, then.

Ain`t nobody tryin` to mess...

with Miss Hand Signals
in the first place.

Keep it movin`!

Excuse me, baby. Um...

That your man over there?

Oh, hell, no.
Malcolm King is not my man.

Oh, Malcolm... Malcolm King?

That`s who you was talKing to?

That`s what I said.

Excuse me.

You`re excused, baby. Yeah.

Well, Malcolm King, uh...

it`s time for you to taKe a nap.

Nighty-night, Malcolm.

Ha ha ha ha!


Welcome and thanK you
for coming out...

to King Enterprise`s
tenth anniversary celebration!

Come on!

Everybody, let`s eat,
celebrate, and have fun!

Good to see you.
Good to see you.

Good to see you.

All right, all right.

ThanK you, thanK you.

Excuse me, excuse me.
Coming through here.

You guys enjoy, all right?

DrinKs on me!

Ohh. L`m... l`m feeling
Kind of tired right now...

so I thinK l`m just
gonna call it a night...

and, uh... go home
and get some sleep.

All right.
Well, l`ll call around...

for the limo driver
to bring your car around front.

- OK?
- All right.

- You get some rest.
- Good night.

- All right, baby. Good night.
- All right.

Hey, thanKs for
coming out tonight, man.

Excuse me.

All right, enjoy.

Is your brother outside?

Oh. He was when I last checKed.

Uh, well,
ladies and gentlemen...

l`m leaving. Uhh! Mmm! Whoo!

Lt`s 11:02,
and, uh, boy, am I tired.

So, uh, ladies and gentlemen,
just enjoy the party.

L`m just gonna go home
and taKe a nap...

escorted by no one.

Have a good night. Bye. Enjoy!

What`s up, man?
ThanKs for coming out.

All right, ladies. Let`s go.

All right, let`s go! Now!

Um... oh, it`s 11:02!

- Byron.
- Uh...

Don`t screw this up, Byron.
Listen to me.

All right.

Enjoy the party, ladies.
Enjoy the party.

All right.
Hey, brother, have fun, man.

You better stop that limo.

He called for a limo.
I am not playing with you.



Where the hell is the limo?

Hey, you all right?

You OK?

D-d-d-d-don`t m-m-m-move.


Ah ha ha ha ha ha!


- You all set?
- Yep.


OK, l`m ready.

- OK. You all set?
- Yeah.

What is that?

Oh, I brought this
because I thought...

we could maybe use it
for something.

No. What in the hell
are you wearing?!

Angela, you told me
to wear all blacK.

You did say that.

No. Everybody Knows
she loves Jesus.

Put this on.
He`s gonna Know it`s you.

- There he is.
- Oh. There`s the limo.

Bring your ass here.

Enjoy the party, ladies.
Enjoy. All right.

Where the hell you been, man?!


Excuse me.

Pardon me.

Where the hell you been, man?

L`ve been standing out here
freezin` my ass off.

L... l... l...

``l... l... l... ``
Spit it out!

Sh-shut up and g-g-get in.

Oh. Oh, I see.
That`s a good touch, man.

You want people
to see me get Kidnapped.

OK, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Help! Help!
L`m being Kidnapped!

Open the door.

Open the door, stupid.

Ha ha. Help me!

Help me!

OK, now push me in.
Push me... push me in!


OK, they`re on the move.

They`re on the move, ladies.
This is it.

Here we go, here we go,
here we go!

Man, what happened
out there, huh?

You almost blew it.

And what happened
to the chloroform?!


But the gun...

Ahh, the gun was a nice touch.
Ha ha ha ha ha!

Now taKe me to the hotel.
My blacK ass is tired.


d-d-d-d-d-d-d... ``

Just shut up
and taKe me to the hotel!


Heh heh.

Hello, 9-1-1?


Please help me!

Oh, help me, help me!

L`m being Kidnapped...

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ah ha ha ha ha!


I love it when
a plan comes together.


That`s what
l`m talKin` about. Mmm!

Best of both worlds,
let me Kiss on it, uh

After that, l`m gonna
lay you down flat...

That little tricK,
with your tongue ring

What the...


Hey, s-s-stutter box!

What the hell
are we stopping here for, huh?

Perfect. Everything`s
going according to plan.

You did that?

Yeah. I tinKered
with the engine a little bit.

Hey! Hey! LooK, man,
I ain`t got all night...

to be sittin` out here on
the side of the road with you!

Get me to the Terrance Hotel!

Didn`t want to do this...


Stop what you`re doing.
Get in the trunK.

Get in the trunK!

But... but... but... but...

No, no!

Hey, what`s the holdup?

Are you deaf?
What`s the holdup?

Get out of the car, jacKass!

Ain`t gonna be too many more of
those jacKasses, all right?

And what`s up with this masK
all of a sudden?

Oh, I get it.

I see.
We`re switching vehicles...

just in case
we were being followed.

And the masK is
so nobody can identify you.

Oh! Smart. That`s smart!

Damn, y`all planned
this out good!

OK, who the hell are they, huh?

Let me maKe something clear,
all right?

I don`t care
what y`all talKed about...

but I ain`t payin` y`all
no more money.

So whatever
y`all gettin` right now...

y`all just gonna have
to split three ways.


Hey. Come on, give me this.


Now, come on,
everybody get in the car.

I got to go.

Move your asses! I got to go!

Help! He-help!

Oh! Ooh!






Oh! Ooh.

Are you all right, Mr. King?


Hey, what`s going on here?

One second. There you go. Ohh!

What in God`s name
is going on here?

You`ve made a mistaKe, sir.
That`s our property.

LooK. All right?

- Aah!
- Oh! OK.

I don`t want
to hurt anybody, honest.

I just want him.

- Yeah.
- OK.

Go around, hop in.

Oh, we`re going to hell.



J-Jesse JacKson...

Colin Powell
showed up and... and...

I lost him.
L`m sorry, l`m sorry.

What do you mean,
you l-lost him?

- L... l...
- How did you l-lose him?

B-b-b-but l`m sorry,
l`m sorry, l`m sorry.

Where are you?

L-locKed in the limo trunK.

Where the hell is he?!

Come on. It`s OK.
It`s all right.

Watch your Knees. All right.

There you go. Come on. Whoa.

Careful. There you go.

Come on. OK. All right.

Where am I, man, huh?

You`re at my house.

Hey, hey. Who... who are you?

Whew. Oh, what am I doing?

I don`t have the heart for this.
Man, l`m no Kidnapper.

Well, hell, man...

I don`t have experience
in Kidnapping, either.

And your sister never told me
you were so recKless.

Oh, wait a minute.
You Know my sister?

Wait, wait. Know her?

- L`m sleeping with her.
- Eww.

She was the one
that helped me...

come up with this plan
for you to Kidnap me.

You`re the dude
with the jacKed-up shoes.

Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha.

Oh, my God.

You tooK my plan
to a whole `nother level, man.

- I did?
- Yeah.

Hey, the way you came
to my job and cased it.


And the masKs.
And the... and the...

and the switching of the cars.


Oh, man!
And then bringing me...

to this hole-in-the-wall

Yeah, man. `cause
they would`ve recognized me...

down at the Terrance Hotel.

Man, this was smart
bringing me here.

`Cause, hell, nobody`s gonna
recognize me here.


Ha ha ha ha ha!

Heh heh.

Your sister was right, man.
You are smart.

My sister said that about me?

Wait, wait. Hold it.

- You`re white.
- Yeah.

- But your sister is...
- She`s adopted.

My grandmother adopted her
when I was two years old.


Shh. That`s my grandma.

L`ll handle this.

Stay there.

You`re gonna
burn this place down...

you deaf old hag.
She`s deaf.

I unplug this,
she doesn`t hear a thing.


Raaah! Ha ha ha!
Lt`s Kind of funny.

And sad.

L`ll show you my spot.


You live down here?


Tch. Pathetic.

You`re a grown man...

and you live in
your grandmother`s basement?

L`m saving up
for my own place, you Know?

What the hell is this?

Lt`s my birdhouse.

- You made this yourself?
- Yes, I did.

- On purpose?
- Yeah.

What, you did it
drunK and blindfolded?


Damn. Hey, you Know what?
Don`t even worry about that...

because with the money
l`m paying you for this...

you`ll be able to afford
your own place.

Your sister did tell you
you`re getting paid for this?

No, not exact...
Not exactly, you Know?

We didn`t... we didn`t
really discuss it.


I have to be honest with you.
L`m really confused.

Heh. Yeah, I can see that.

L`m surprised
you even Know my sister.

My sister came up
with this plan?

How do you guys even Know
each other again?

LooK, I Know it`s hard
for you to believe, man...

especially considering
how dumb your sister really is.

- Yeah.
- Ha ha ha!

Hey, hey,
but every once in a while...

she`ll say something
that`s not dipped in stupid.


And coming up
with this plan with me...

was one of those times.

This where I sleep?








- Hey, hey.
- Oh! No!

- Who are you, and what are you...
- Calm down.

Just tell me where I am!
No, no!

- Hey, hey, hey!
- Hey, hey, hey!

Calm down.

L`m calm.

Now, you don`t want me
to get upset.

I must`ve used
too much chloroform.

You`re in the Terrance Hotel.

Behind you over there
is some lobster.

Some fill-ett mig-non
over there...

some champagne.

Right here we got
some Cuban cigars rolled up...

just liKe
my sister Peaches told me.

Peaches with the round bottom
that`s liKe an apple?

You got the two... and...

That`s my bad. L`m sorry.



Say, man, you seen my pants?

Malcolm King`s office.

Miss Gladys,
please don`t hang up.

It`s me, Renee.

I just need...
Hello? Are you there?

What do you want, Renee?

Please listen very carefully.

Malcolm`s been what?

Excuse me. Excuse me.

I need to report a crime.

Fill out a report.
They`ll help you over there.

I ain`t about to hear
about no paperworK.

you need to listen to me.

Lady, the faster
you fill out the report...

the faster
somebody can help you.

To hell with paperworK!

Malcolm King...

has been Kidnapped. Hmm.

I inch the dough
with no propane

I ain`t gotta show I.D.
Up in here, they don`t pay

So it`s straight to the bar
for drinKs with no chain

Your game up in my personal
space with no shame

Need a loss of feeling
for you liKe Novocain

And get you same day

You off the chain
liKe Great Dane

No name,
so I barK and I bite

I might,
an apple to the right...

Water warm enough for you?


I said...

is the water
warm enough for you?

Yeah, man, the water`s fine.

Wow. Herb...

we`re gonna have
to talK about...

your invasion
of my personal space.

See, where l`m from,
a grown man can`t sit in no tub

while another grown man
sit and watch him, OK?


LooKie here, punK...

don`t go out mistaKing
my Kindness for weaKness.

See, up on ``D`` blocK,
where I come from...

``D`` blocK
didn`t have no bathtubs.

We only tooK showers...

once a weeK.

Now l`m sitting here
looKing at you...

with all them bubbles on you.

It only mean
you`re more slippery to me.

I tell you...

if you wasn`t
Peaches` boyfriend...


Enjoy the grapes.

He`s on the down low.

Malcolm loves his money
more than life itself.

Those Kidnappers
aren`t seeing a cent.

All right,
we got some leads here...

A 9-1-1 call
from Malcolm King...

came through our switchboard
at 11:14 last night...

and a limousine registered
to King Enterprises...

found abandoned on the highway.

LooK, hey,
we`re in good shape here.

You leave this
in our hands, ma`am.

We pulled a partial footprint
from the scene.

It`s being analyzed
in forensics.

Those boys down at C.S. I...

l`m telling you,
they taKe one little thread...

and they just scan...

I don`t Know why
you two are wasting time...

with all this Top Cop,
Inspector Gadget bullsh...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady.
A little respect.

This is our job.
We Know what we`re doing.

If you Knew
what you were doing...

you wouldn`t be sitting here
talKing to me.

You`d be out tracKing down
your primary suspects.

And who might that be?

Hello. May I help you?

Renee King?


Do you mind if we come in?


Angela DraKe, I presume?

Hey, hey, where the hell
have you been, huh?

Did you forget that you were
supposed to follow up...

with Renee about the ransom?

And you`ve got nothing
to eat down here but crap.

Where`s the real food?

You Know what, Mr. King?

I will maKe you a TV dinner.

For lunch?

That`s the dumbest thing
l`ve ever heard.

Hey... remember
when I said you were smart?

- Yeah.
- Heh heh!

I was lying, all right?

You`re just as dumb
as your dumb-ass sister.

Call Renee.


Say something.

Hello? Who is this?
Let`s not play on my phone.

Hello. How are you today?

Lousy. L`ve got cramps.
Who is this?

She wants to Know who I am.

Tell her you got her husband...

and not to worry about
who the hell you are.

I got your husband.

Don`t worry about
who the hell I am.

- And call her a bitch.
- What?

- Excuse me?
- No, not you.

You. What?

- Call her a bitch.
- Why?

LooK, I don`t have time
for games. What is this?

Just call her a bitch.

Listen up, bitch!

- Yes!
- Yeah!

- What`d you just call me?
- No! No, not you, Granny.

Excuse me. Is this a joKe,
or is this...

- Who is that?
- I don`t have time for this.

No one. Granny, please,
hang up the phone, OK?

You got a girl down there?

I don`t have a girl down here.
Yeah. I Know the rules.

- ChoKe her. L`ll choKe her.
- A boy down there?

I don`t have anyone down here!
Please hang up!

- So she`ll die quicKly.
- Don`t tell me what to do.

- Get bacK to the money.
- You are worKing my nerves.

What is this,
and what do you want?

Get bacK to the money.

- What do I want?
- Hey, hey!

- What do I want?
- Shh!

Demand the ransom.

Demand the ransom.

I demand the ransom.

- The...
- Of...

Ten thousand dol...


What the hell is wrong with you?

- 10.
- $10,000?

- Yeah, yeah, 10.
- You Kidnapped Malcolm King...

not Bobby Brown. 10 million.

$10 million.

- You understand that?
- Really?

Yes, really.

- Do we have it?
- Yeah.


I demand a ransom
of $10 million.


Oh, now it`s 10 million?
For what?

Or you will never see your big,
fat, obnoxious husband alive...

sweating and ordering
people around ever again.

- Call her a bitch.
- Bitch!

- What?
- No, I...

These chips are good. Yeah.

Bears stinK!

I got it.

Yeah, you get it.


Baby? I just...

I wanted to let you Know
that I miss you.

Watch it! Oh, my God!

Sorry! I didn`t see you.

Anyway... l`ll see you,
and I love you.

- Hey!
- You`re so rude!

L`m maKing a call!

Get off of your phone!

I have to go, baby. I love you.

L`m gonna worK it.

Oh, l`m gonna worK it.

L`m gonna worK that!

Ha ha! L`m gonna worK that!
Ha ha ha!

What`s goin` on bacK there?!

Noth-noth-nothin`, man!

Straight up, man.

I wonder who did that ad.

Ooh! I did! Ha ha ha!

Straight up. ThanKs, man.

Oh, hey, I can`t get
to the phone right now...

because l`m busy building
my bird house.

Hey, hey, get up here!

Jesus, Granny,
l`m doing something right now!

Hurry up...

You Know who it is
and you Know why l`m calling.

You better be getting me
that money soon...

or I might just have
to go tell the police...

how you masterminded
a recent outbreaK...

of semi-violent
convenience store robberies.

You`re running out of time.


All right.
I guess I got the right one.

Billionaire Andrew Ross...

is in critical condition
after his hot-air balloon...

plummeted to the ground
in the jungles of Africa.

He was then attacKed
by a wild rhinoceros.

White folKs.

Hey, it tooK you
long enough, man.

L`m starving.
Where`s my change?


Oh, man,
they put mustard on this.

I told the guy no mustard.

Well, taKe it bacK, man.

Aw, it`s no big deal.

Come on, man, you let people
taKe advantage of you.

You paid for it.
You should get what you want.

It`s no biggie, really.

You Know what?

You ain`t got no balls.

You see me? I don`t taKe
nothin` from nobody.

You want to Know why?
`Cause I got big balls.

I got big manly balls.

Big manly, hairy,
sharK-infested swimmin`...

My balls are so... They hang
to the bacK of my Knee...

when I wear shorts.
And you Know what?

I ain`t afraid to let `em
hang for nobody.

It must be hard for you
to buy underpants.

Ha ha ha ha!
Shut up, stupid.

You`ve got to stop letting
people taKe advantage of you.

LooK, it`s just a sandwich.

Let me show you what l`d do
if it was my sandwich.

Be the man at the counter.
L`m gonna be me.

- Yeah, get at the counter.
- OK.

- Greet me.
- What?

- Greet me.
- Uh, greetings.

Yes, looK at this, man!

I asKed for no mustard!
What`s this looK liKe to you?

- Mustard.
- Yes!

And since you obviously do not
Know what ``no mustard`` means...

Here, hold that for me.
ThanK you.

OK, that`s mustard. All right?
That`s mustard right there.

Uh-huh, yeah. Now,
I guarantee if you do that...

they`ll never mess
your order up again.

You get any winners yet?

Do you hear me screaming?

You guys follow up
on the leads I gave you?

Yes, we did.


And nothing.

LooK, lady,
l`ve just about had it with you.

Go home. When we have
something to tell you...

we`ll let you Know.
This case is all about...

official police business.
We don`t need you...

I don`t give a damn
about official police business.

Malcolm King is my business.

L`m gonna leave now,
not because you told me to...

but because
if I don`t leave now...

I won`t be able to get
my numbers in.

But l`ll be bacK.
And until you find him...

l`m gonna stay on y`all
liKe white girls on NBA players.

Who is it?

- It`s us... BrooKe and Kim.
- Hi!

Come in. The door`s open.

What tooK you guys so long?

Huh? The police were here.

They were asKing questions
about Mr. King.

You guys, I thinK
we should go to the police...

and tell them everything
that we Know.

I mean, it`s not liKe
we actually Kidnapped anybody.

- Yes, we did.
- Well, mostly we didn`t.

That`s a great idea, Kim.


I believe the charge
is conspiracy to Kidnapping.

- OK?
- Yeah.

I learned a thing or two
about the criminal code...

when I was at Cornell.

- Cornell?
- Cornell?

I thought you said you went to...
Didn`t she go to Harvard?

- Right, but she did...
- No, it was...

Undergrad at Yale.

And then when she went
to Princeton, she was...

No, it was Harvard,
and then she went...

- Where`d she do her doctorate?
- I lied!


I went to DeVry Institute.

- Ooh.
- Ooh.

And I didn`t finish.

And for whatever reason,
the King Enterprises...

didn`t checK that pacK of lies
I called a rėsumė.

Oh, my God.

LooK, I got a G.E.D.

- Ohh!
- Ohh!

And an lvy League
mortgage payment.

So that maKes me
one desperate, dangerous woman.

So until this thing
blows over...

l`m not letting either
one of you aspiring snitches...

out of my sight.
Is that clear?

- Yeah, but, liKe...
- Yeah, you Know...

I said... is that clear?

- Crystal.
- Crystal.

Dinner is served.

Ha ha.

I wouldn`t feed
that garbage to a dog.

You Know what?

I need you to go down
to PeKing Palace for me, man...

get me something to eat.

Get me
some Kung pao chicKen...

no vegetables, not too spicy...

all white meat,
extra fortune cooKies.

Hey! Hurry up, l`m starving.

That tooK me
six to eight minutes to maKe.

It should taKe you that long
to get it out of my face.


What`d you say?

I called in an order for Renee.

Oh, yes. Order for Renee.
It is almost ready.

It just be one second.

Why don`t you have a seat?

I will bring it
right for you. OK?

Maybe you will have
a seat right there...

and you can maybe
sing some KaraoKe, OK?

You have some fun.

I don`t thinK so.

Yeah, yeah

It should be OK.
What is taKing so long?

What the hell`s
going on down there?

If I gotta come bacK there
and KicK someone`s ass...

Come on. Now get this one.

OK, for you, sir,
your order is now ready.

See? There is one order
of Kung pao chicKen...

no vegetable, not too spicy,
with all-white meat...

and extra fortune cooKie,
just liKe you asK, OK?

- Good. Good night.
- OK, you have a good night.

We see you again.
You come bacK, OK?

OK, you guys ready
to sing some Kara...?

Uh, lady. Lady.

Are you awaKe? Grandma.

Ooh. Hey.

Mm. Where`s my change?

All right.
``Tony`s Tool Shop. ``

This guy sat the tub in place,
then built a framing around it.

Damn it, they didn`t put
any silverware in the bag.

No, here.
I got you chopsticKs.

Do I looK
liKe JacKie Chan to you?

Huh? Huh?

L`m a blacK man.
I eat with a forK.

OK. L`ll go upstairs
and l`ll get you a forK.

I swear, man,
adopted or not...

you and Peaches are the dumbest
brother and sister on earth.

Who`s Peaches?

Hey, let`s not play games
with me, all right, Herb?

Just hurry your ass upstairs
and get me a forK.

Herb? Who`s Herb?

Ha ha, very funny.
Your name`s not Herb...

and your sister`s name
isn`t Peaches.

LooK, stop playing with me, man.

L`m not playing games.
My name`s not Herb.

It`s Corey, and my sister`s
name isn`t Peaches.

It`s Raven.
Watch, l`ll show you a picture.

LooK, that`s my sister.
That`s Raven.

If you`re not
Peaches` brother...

then l`ve been Kidnapped
for real.



- Whoa!
- Aha!

- The hell?
- Yes, I Knew it!

I Knew it!
Kung pao chicKen...

Renee, what the hell
are you doing here?

The better question is,
what are you doing here?


- Aaah!
- Aaah!

What is this?

Uhh! Uhh!

Damn it!

Untie us right now, man.
L`m not gonna say it again.

L`m sorry. I can`t do that.

Why not?

`Cause I just need some time
to thinK things out, you guys.

LooK, Mr. King, I didn`t
want to Kidnap you ever.

Really. I really didn`t.
I even tried to let you go.

You Know that, but you insisted
on going through...

with your plan
of having yourself Kidnapped...

so you wouldn`t have to give her
a divorce settlement.

Hold on.
His what to do what?

He was planning
to have himself Kidnapped...

so he wouldn`t have to pay you
a big divorce settlement.

Shut up!

Ooh. I Knew you were
gonna try something slicK...

to get out of paying me.
But Kidnapping yourself?!

Malcolm, this is really low,
even for you.

What about you?
You said yourself...

you wanted to have him

I did not.
What are you talKing about?

I don`t even Know you.

Right after
you fell down the stairs.

You were all delirious
and mumbling.

``I was gonna Kidnap you,
too, Malcolm. ``

l... Shut... Shut it up!

- Uhh!
- Ohh! Hey!

What Kind of woman wants
to Kidnap her own husband?

The Kind that would marry a man
who`d faKe his own Kidnapping...

to get out of
a divorce settlement.

Just shut it, Renee!

- You shut it!
- Shut it up!

Be quiet, please.
My granny is sleeping.

To hell with your grandmother!

What`s wrong with you?
Don`t be...

First of all,
don`t be yelling at me.

L`m the only friend
you got right now.

You Know,
for a married couple...

you guys sure don`t seem
to love each other.

- We don`t!
- We don`t!

Room service!

Peach... Peaches,
what you doing here?

I have to see Malcolm.
I miss him too much.

Hey, now, the plan was that
you wasn`t gonna see him...

until after we get finished.

I Know, I Know,
and I won`t see him.

LooK, l`ll turn off the lights
and l`ll even wear this.

- Blindfold.
- See? We won`t see each other.

- Please, Herbie!
- Peaches.

Baby. Ohh.


Don`t be mad at me.


And don`t say anything.
I just missed you too much.

Aw, baby.
You lost so much weight.

Hey, where did that come from?

Oh ho ho! Wow!

Ohh. Ha ha!

Damn! Y`all was in there
for a long time.

Malcolm never did that before.

Bye, Herbie.

Aah! Ow!

Disgrace to the whole family. all it taKes.

You start out
with the scissor crunch...



I got the magic sticK

I Know if I can hit once,
I can hit twice

l`ll hit
the baddest chicKs

Shorty, don`t believe me,
then call me tonight

And I show you magic

What? What?



I ain`t felt liKe this
in a long time, Herb.

Long time. Whoo!
I worKed it.

Had to worK it out
on your sister.

She a freaK.

She worKed... Whoa, man!
Stop playin`! Sit down!

Corey, I said get up here!

Yes, Granny?

Can`t find the remote.

Turn the channel for me.

You called me all the way
up here for that?

Yeah. Don`t give me no lip.

Just, uh, do what I say.

I can see the remote
from here, Granny.

You do it.

Uhh... OK?

No. No.


After weeKs
of an intensive...

Hey, what happened to Monty?

the men responsible...

for the Kidnapping
of little MarK Wilson.

If convicted of Kidnapping...

the men
face life imprisonment...

without the possibility
of parole.

Bad news. I can`t let you go.

OK, when you say ``you, ``
you mean her, right?

No, I mean the both of you.
I can`t let you go.

What do you mean,
you can`t let me go?

Man, what are you
talKing about?

L`m talKing about
if you guys told on me...

I could go to jail
for the rest of my life!

Man, that`s not that long!

Hey, hey, hey,
we won`t tell. I swear.

We promise.

``You promise. `` People breaK
their promises all the time.

Not us.

You guys got married
and you promised...

that you would obey and cherish
and love each other.

Now you`re getting a divorce.
You broKe those promises!

That`s different.

How is it different?

LooK, I don`t Know how
it`s different.

It`s just different,
OK, stupid?

- Oh, hey, way to go.
- What?

You have such a way with people.

Why don`t you fuss at him
some more?

L`m sure he`ll let us
go now, dummy.

Did you just call me dummy?

I just called you dummy, dummy.

Oh, I got your dummy right here.

Shut up! By the way,
it`s time for a cigarette.

Can I get a smoKe?

No. No, she don`t need no smoKe.

Don`t tell me what I don`t need.

You Know what, Renee?
Shut up!

Just shut it up, Renee!
I will not taKe that!

You`re mad `cause
the truth finally came out!

- What truth?!
- We`re tied up because of you!

Turn to ``106 and ParK. ``


Actually, I don`t want
to watch ``106 and ParK. ``

I would liKe to watch
``Dr. Phil, `` please.

You and big-head Dr. Phil
both can Kiss my blacK ass.

We`re watching ``106 and ParK. ``

We should watch something that
elevates our consciousness.

- We need to watch...
- Hey!

- What?
- Listen to me.

Maybe when l`m done playing
my video game...

maybe we can watch
the first half of ``106 and ParK``

and the second half
of ``Dr. Phil``...

if I feel liKe it.

Hey, hey, hey, what Kind
of nonsense is that, huh?

Who watches half a show?

Yeah, and everybody Knows
the best part of ``Dr. Phil``...

is in the beginning.

Huh. If you watch him.

Well, I do.
That`s why I Know...

and you don`t Know what to say
sometimes, do you?

L`m just trying to help.

- Corey, hurry up!
- Ooh.

Well, I see why
you`re still a virgin.

Whoo! Ha ha ha ha!
That`s a good one.

Hey, hey!
L`m not a virgin, OK?

Not entirely.

You`re still a virgin.

L`m not!

Hey, Renee,
did he say ``not entirely``?

- Well...
- Ha ha!

Hey, looK here, player,
either you are, or you aren`t.

Which one is it?
Have you touched it yet?


Oh. Oh, no, he didn`t.

Man, what`s your problem?

You! You`re my problem.

And her and her
and Raven and Timmy...

and Miss Ho
and that stupid sandwich!

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

You need to bring some of
that bass out of your voice...

when you`re talKing to me.

Shut up!

You don`t Know... Oh, come on!
You Know what?

You`re not the boss of me.

- What?
- You Know what?

Because I could Kill you
right now.

I could bash your head in
liKe a melon if I felt liKe it!

And nobody would even care.
You want to Know why?

Because you are a jacKass!
A jacKass!

You`re a jacKass,
and you`re a super-size jacKass.

No wonder everybody hates you!
L`ve Known you a day...

and I want to rip off my head
and throw it in the trash...

just so I don`t have to listen
to you anymore!

You two deserve each other.

Corey, I said get up here!

Listen up.

L`m going upstairs to taKe
care of that deaf old bag...

and then l`m going for a drive.

And when I come bacK...

l`m gonna deal with you two.

And you can scream all you want
because no one can hear you.

Then you shaKe
your booty-ooty to the ground

Can you shaKe it
to the four zone?

One, don`t wait now

Will you shaKe it
to the four zone?

Two, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow

Can you shaKe it
to the four zone?

Baby, let`s try
to get out of these ropes.

OK, exactly what part
of life in prison...

don`t you understand?

Angela, don`t worry.

We`re good-looKing.
We`ll be fine.

Wait. No. Hey, hey. Listen.

Angela, Mr. King could be
in real danger right now.

We have no idea what
those maniacs are doing to him.

He`s not in any real danger.

I Know you`re scared...

but we all have to have
a little faith.

We`re going to jail, man.

The Lord will protect us.

OK, OK. All right?

When we`re being passed
around the ``C`` blocK...

bought and sold for
a pacK of Newport King 100s...


it was the Lord
that put us there.


- OK?
- OK.

Can we maKe a quicK stop
before we turn ourselves in?

Just... lt`ll be really quicK.

Now, listen,
l`m going to jail, OK?

And I need this money
to pay for protection.

I don`t really want to be
turned out by lesbians...

so, please,
just do what you can.

So, you pretty desperate, huh?


``... if we asK Him for anything
that is according to His will.

``He hears us whenever we asK... ``

Two hundred.

Wung tung tai.

Watch out.


- Guess who`s in the store?
- Who?

Just guess.
It`s my favorite game.

Um, I don`t Know. Who?

No. That guy who tooK
Mr. King from us.

BacK so soon?

Yeah. Hi.

You have
something else for me?

Yes, I do. I forgot to show you
one of my tools.

Is it a nice one, your tool?

Miss Ho, you tell me.


There he is, there he is.

OK, quicK. Great.

Oh, my God, that is him.

Oh, my God!

He could Keep us
from going to jail.

Whoa! LooK out!


- Malcolm...
- What?

- L`m scared.
- Shh.

Did you see
the looK in his eyes?

He looKs deranged.
He looKs liKe he`s gone crazy.

Relax. He`s not crazy.

Whoo! Y`all gonna maKe me
lose my mind

Up in here, up in here

Y`all gonna maKe me
go all out

Up in here, up in here

Up in here, up in here

What`s he doing?

Y`all gonna maKe me
lose my cool



Oh! Yes!

Hey. Hey!


Stop whaling on my sandwich!



Gotta get my gangsta

Y`all gonna maKe me
lose my mind

Up in here, up in here


Y`all gonna maKe me
go all out

My man. What`s up, Corey?

LooKin` good.

I miss you, man.


Ohh! Ohh!

Oh, my God!

Ahh! Uhh!

Y`all gonna maKe me
lose my mind

Up in here, up in here

Y`all gonna maKe me
go all out

Hey, how`s
my energy level now, Timmy?


God, please don`t let me
die a virgin!

Up in here

Y`all gonna maKe me
lose my cool


Oh! That was good!

- Ha ha ha ha!
- Aah!


And l`m taKing my shift drinK!

You, you ain`t
strong enough

Whatever it is
you puffin` on

That got you thinKin`
that you Superman

Hello, police?
Yeah, l`d liKe to report...

an assault at the Happy SnacK
on Main Street.

OK, Angela, do not lose him.

L`m not going to lose him.

This guy maKes mincemeat
out of the hamburger...

then he goes inside and
starts beating up on this man.

And he`s just taKing off
in this gray beat-up Jeep.

Y`all gonna maKe me
act a fool

When you`re ready to call

Uhh. These ropes aren`t
getting any looser.

It`s OK.
We can worK it loose.

This is useless.


Hey, hey, hey. Renee? Renee?
Keep it together, OK, baby?

I need you here with me,
all right?

Come on, Mama. Come on.

- Malcolm...
- What?

If we don`t get out of here
alive, I just...

Renee. Renee!

Renee, baby. Whoo.

LooK, don`t talK liKe that, OK?

We`re getting out of here alive.

Just help me with the ropes,
all right?

Come on, Mama,
just worK with me.

OK, baby? Come on, I don`t
feel your fingers moving.

Oh, wait, listen, listen.

- What?
- That`s our song.

It`s really good to see you

Oh, we`re going to die
for real now.

Renee, Renee, Renee, Renee, hey.

Hey, hey, baby. Hey.

That was playing
the night we met, huh?

Tch. You don`t remember.

Hmm. Remember?

Hey, you gave me some
that night.

It always helps
to give you a little.

Hey, what happened to us, Renee?

We were happy once, right?

Don`t mind fools

There`s no way
I am losing him now.

Right there!

Uh, uh, red light.

- Aah! Stop!
- Aah!

``Forgive us our trespasses... ``

``As we forgive those
that trespass against us``!

I thinK we`re all right.

No, we`re not all right.

...was my claim to fame

ThanK you, Renee.

Uh, yeah. For what?

For being a no-good,

whatever you going
to call me now?

No, no, no, no, baby.
ThanK you.

You deserve it.

I was cold as ice

You Know, l`ve never
given you the credit...

for always having my bacK
and Keeping me focused.

You Know, I always thought
it was me...

but it was you who gave me
that strength.

Very nice, you Know

ThanK you.

Sugar, sugar, sugar

Oh, Malcolm.


And you turned on

I have a confession.

If it`s about you sleeping
with some woman...

in your company,
I figured as much.


Can you forgive me?

If you burn me up

Yeah. It`s in the past.

I have a confession
to maKe, too.

LooK, if it`s about
you having an affair...

I Know that, too.


Come on, Renee.
We`re separated...

which means you haven`t been
getting any from me...

and we both Know how
you liKe to get you some.

True, true.

You Know, I just figured...

you`d be getting it
from someplace else.

And I forgive you.

I have another confession.

Damn. Another affair?

I pooted. Sorry.

L`m sorry. It was...

No, you`re not.

You can`t even smell it.
Shut up. Ha ha!

That`s the thing
about going inside...

rather than taKing
the drive-through.

I Know, I Know.
But just don`t touch the glazed.

Don`t touch the glazed.

We`ve only got two,
and I don`t thinK that...

What`s going on
with Malcolm`s case?

Holy Malloley.
I thought I told you to st...

Attention all units.

LooKing for a white male
driving a gray Jeep...

wanted for assault
at the Happy SnacK.

There they go! Hit it!

Scoot! Scoot! Scoot!

I ain`t finished
talKin` to y`all yet!






- Whoa! Officer!
- Whoa! OK...

You in the car, do not move.
No talKing!


OK, we`re almost there, baby.
I got one.

Oh, I got it. Whoo!

Ohh! Who blew ass
in my basement?!

Ohh, man!

You guys are disgusting.

What did you do?

I had to go
teach someone a lesson.

Oh... oh, my God!
Malcolm, save me!

Hey, Corey.
Come here, man. Come here.

Hey, don`t be crazy, man.

Hey, don`t be crazy,
all right?

Just go easy. OK?
Just go easy.

Let... let my wife go.
You can Keep me, man...

but just let my wife go,
all right?

- Listen to me!
- Just let my wife go.

Hey! This isn`t
Malcolm King Enterprises...

and you`re not the boss!
Lt`s Corey Enterprises...

and l`m runnin` the show!

And nobody`s goin` nowhere!

OK, OK. OK, shh.
Hold on, baby.

I almost got it. OK.
I almost got it.

What are you guys
whispering about?!

Oh! Baseball trivia.

OK. Hey, hey.
OK, no matter what happens...

when I get up,
you run for the steps.

- OK. I love you.
- Hey, hey...

What did you just say?


I said, uh...

Don`t drop the soap in jail.

- Beeyotch!
- Aah!

Get him, Malcolm! Get him!

Come on, Malcolm!
Malcolm, KicK him!

Malcolm, get him! Aah!


- Come on!
- Go! Go!

All right.
Why didn`t you stop?

Because Malcolm King`s Kidnapper
is in that house.


Oh! Oh!

I go to jail if you leave!


Jefferson, on them.
Everyone else, on me!

- Are you crazy?!
- That was cool.

Two months away
from my retirement...

you`re trying to Kill me?
What do we got?

King Kidnapping.
Possible suspects inside.

Get off of...



Oh, sorry.

- Aaaah!
- Ohh!


All right, let`s move in!
Follow me!


Ah ha ha ha ha!

Who`s the beeyotch now?

You are!


Come on, honey, get him!
Get him!

Freeze! Nobody move!

- Hey.
- Don`t shoot!

Quiet! Settle down!

- Ooh.
- Uhh.

Well, well, well.

The infamous Malcolm King
and the little woman.

Hey, Officer,
this psycho right here...

- Hey, hey!
- What?

Before you tell them anything,
let me remind you

that you tried
to Kidnap yourself...

and she tried to Kidnap you.
Both are federal offenses...

and you could go to jail
for the rest of your life.

- You were saying?
- I was...

Get up, Malcolm.

L`m saying this psycho
right here...

No! No!

This psycho here...
This psycho...

This psychotherapist
saved our marriage.

- What?
- What?

Ha ha!
Yeah, Detective Conley. Wow.

You Know, the next day,
after you left...

my husband called me...

to this unconventional
couples` therapy...

where he locKs the couples up
in the basement...

and doesn`t let them go
until they resolve their issues.

Yes, yes.
Uh, so we`ve been here...

you Know, uh, resolving
our marital issues.

No, me, me. On one Knee.

Resolving our marital issues.

Uh, see?
So it`s... it`s all cool.

We`ve just been
trying to find the love.

- Ooh. Oh, baby, I love you.
- Oh, baby.

See? LooK, it worKed.

So... so you were
never Kidnapped, then?

No! No, no, no.
Ahem! Uh...

l`ve just been here chillin`.

L`ve had enough.

L`m retiring in two months.
I don`t need this.

And you... sunshine boy.

Guess what?
You`re going downtown.

What? Downtown? Hey!

- Ha ha!
- Why?

For the assault
at the Happy SnacK.

Or is that just another one of
your breaKthrough therapies?

Yeah. Yes, it is one of
my breaKthrough therapies.

It`s a motivational therapy.

We don`t Know nothin`
about that.

We were just here
for the marriage counseling.

- ThanK you.
- Yeah.

I showed you guys the...
Mmm. Mmph. Mmm!


All right, let`s bacK it up,
everybody. Show`s over.

Pat him down
and put him in the cruiser.

This way, sir. Any comment?

Sir, please!

This has been
one hell of a weeK, baby.

Ooh, tell me about it.

- You Know what?
- Let`s go.

L`m about to get me a drinK.

Hold the fucK up, big boy.

- What?
- Yeah, you!

Ohh! Ah!

Oh! Renee! Renee,
get this old woman off me!

Ooh. That looKs liKe
a camera crew out there.

Honey, you OK?
Ah, yeah, you`re OK.

L`ll meet you outside.
L`m gonna freshen up.

Mr. King!

Were you treated fairly,
Mr. King?

Did they sexually abuse you,
Mr. King?

Hey, hey, hey. What`s this?
What`s going on here?

Mr. King,
I can explain everything.

Um, see, what happened was...

I got... and then...

``Get out of the car, jacKass! ``


You Kidnapped me?

Well, I tried.

That`s exactly the cold-blooded,
no-mercy tactics...

that I need in a vice-president.

Hell, if you acted liKe this
months ago...

we would`ve never had
any problems.

You Know what?
Don`t worry about this.

L`ll maKe sure
all this is handled.

You just come see me on Monday.

All right? All right.

ThanK you, Mr. King.

You got it. Hey, hey, hey.

This is my vice-president,
all right?

You be easy with her.

Wow, you`re a vice-president.
That`s really cool.

Yeah, I don`t have
a degree, either.

Just stay bacK. Hey!

Hold it, lady.

Get out of my way!
Malcolm! Oh!

Are you all right?
Oh, my God, baby.

- What`d they do? Oh, my...
- No, no. It`s OK.

- Ohh. L`ve got good news.
- What?

Andrew Ross
is out of intensive care.

He called
about closing the deal.

What should I tell him?

Tell him the company`s
no longer for sale.


Too many people
have worKed too hard...

to put King Enterprises
on the map...

for me just to give it away
to some playboy...

IooKing to cash in.
You tell him that.


Hi, Miss Gladys. Mwah!

Hey, honey. Ohh.

- Hey, baby. Ah!
- Oh, l`m sorry.

- Oh, baby, my lip.
- L`m sorry, honey. You ready?

Yeah, let`s go. All right?

Did they give you something?
See ya.

Miss Gladys? L`ll call you
in a few days, all right?

TaKe care of the office.

You liKe sushi?

Do I liKe sushi?

Yeah, I liKe sushi all right.

You taKe it home and fry it,
it tastes just liKe fish.

You Know what, baby?

What, honey?

The first thing
in the morning...

l`m gonna call the lawyers...

and have them rip up
the divorce papers.

Oh, honey. I was thinKing
the same thing.


Heh heh heh.

Your crusty lips...

and my blacK ass.


Was that you in there?

- Mm-hmm.
- In the darK?

Mm-hmm. Girl, you better
act liKe you Know.

Oh, my God. I Know.

- I Know!
- Ha ha ha!

Oh! L`m your Peach!

And l`m your Andre!

- Oh!
- Couldn`t help it.

Oh, baby, looK at that.
LooK at that.

LooK at that, looK at that!

Ha ha ha ha!

Straight up!
You Know, I got to admit...

that`s some of
my best worK right there.

Ooh, honey.
You mean some of our best worK.

Heh. Just because
you were in the house...

when I thought it up
doesn`t meant it`s yours, Renee.

Not only was I in the house,
l`m the one...

that was instrumental
in launching this campaign.

Are you even listening
to what you`re saying?

- Go around!
- Go around!

Special thanks to SergeiK.