Martian Child Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Martian Child script is here for all you fans of the John Cusack movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Martian Child quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Martian Child Script

Uh... oh, no.

I suppose there's one
in every group, one oddball...

- who never fits in.
- Let's go get him.

- Come on!
- Yeah.

Well, that was me...

- Aah!
- David Gordon.

I found my escape
through my stories.

My imagination was a...
was like a rocket ship...

that took me far away
where I could look at life...

from a safe distance...

which, I guess, is what I...
I now do in my books.

As unlucky
as I was in childhood...

I was very, very lucky
as a writer.

Um, so instead of becoming a
well-adjusted, normal person...

I became a kind of a deranged,
successful person.

And I'm not sure
which is preferable...

but it doesn't really matter
'cause you don't get to choose.

But to answer your original
question more directly...

yes, I do believe
that in every work of fiction...

there is one character that,
for the author...

is in some ways

and that certainly holds true
for Dracoban.

You know, like in a dream...

one character, um,
usually represents you...

but in this case,
it's not who you expect...

um, because, you see,
I'm not the human.

I'm the creature.

Is that good?


Hey, Harlee.

Thought I might see you
here today.

Yeah. I thought
I might see you, too.

Sweet of you to come.

Yeah, I think...
I think we spent...

almost every single birthday
together since the third grade.

Hi, Somewhere.

Somewhere's happy to see you.

So what do you think, honestly?

Are you kidding?

I love the idea
of you adopting a child.

I think it's so beautiful...

for you to open up
your heart like that.

Liz thinks I'm crazy, you know?

I mean, what if she's right,
you know?

What if I'm...
What if I'm not up to it?

Let me tell you something.

My mother raised five kids,
and never, for one second...

did she question whether she
was cut out to be a parent.

And she was great, right?

No, the worst.

Her shrink has a house
in Laguna because of her.


Just the fact that you're even
asking yourself the question...

pretty much proves
you're qualified.

Most people spend
more time worrying about...

how to raise tomatoes
than they do their own kids.

You even imagine how happy
Mary would be about this?

Yeah, but that's not
a good enough reason to do it.

You've got a lot of love
left in your heart.

You better come back here!

Hi, David. Hi.

Hi, Sophie.
It's been a long time.

Yeah, yeah, been a few years.

You look well.

Thanks. You, too.

Come on, throw the ball!

Just not ready to commit
to something like this.

I'm sorry.

Didn't you know I was gonna
ask you something like this?

Didn't want to say no
over the phone.


It didn't seem right.

I'm really sorry.

When girls go shopping...


What's your name?


Hi, Esther.

I know who you are.

You do?

You're the man who Sophie
called about Dennis...

but you don't want him
'cause your wife's dead.

Who told you that?


Are you a friend of his,
or what?

No. He's a weirdo.

He doesn't have any friends.

He doesn't?

Where is he hangin' out?

He's in the box.

He doesn't come out until night.

Why does he do that?

The sun. He hates the sun.

Why does he hate the sun?

I don't know.
Because he thinks it's too sunny?


I told him you were weird.

He is in the box.

Oh! Man! Ooh!

But I don't understand...

why did she call you
in the first place?

Well, she thought she had
found a good match for us.

Aren't, like, single men like
the bottom of the totem pole?

Hey, I am not a single man.

I am a widower...

and that is
the worst of all worlds.

I am in the ground
below the totem pole.

Oh, wow, you know what?

I think it was
really insensitive of her...

to call in the first place.

I mean,
it's only been two years.

- Oh! Oh!
- Hey!

- Guys, get off the dog.
- We're just playing.

- Yeah.
- Oh!

That dog is like
200 years old in human...

Would you do that to Grandma?

Guys, get off!

They drive me nuts,
and they're mine.

I mean, I don't know why
Mary even wanted to adopt.

Well, she was adopted herself
and, you know...

Yeah, but it was something
you were gonna do together...

- and, you know.
- Yeah. Yeah.

But, hey, it's not gonna happen.

You're like preaching
to the converted.

Okay. Good...

because here's a voice
from the trenches...

"Parenting is really hard. "

All right?

It's hard, and you need
at least two people.

Well, you know,
we had Mom and Dad.

We had two people,
and they hated being parents.

I'm just saying there
are no guarantees.

There's plenty
of single parents.

All right. Well, I don't want
to see you get hurt.

I mean, you could have
a kid of rage or something.

Kid of rage?

Yeah, well,
there was some TV movie...

and they were crazy.

Listen, I got to go take
The Omen One and Two...

to soccer practice, okay?

So just stay here.
You made the right choice.

That was a good decision, okay?

Have some coffee
or some food or something.

We have snacks.

Hey, I miss her, too.

Somewhere a dog barked...

and then he licked
his privates.

What do you think, Somewhere?

You think we could do it alone?


Anybody home?

Uh, listen, Chief, I, uh...

I brought you some sun block...

very strong stuff.

SPF 45...
That's sun protection factor...

and, uh, helps you against
the ultraviolet rays...

which are... You know,
they call them the UV rays.

Anyway, it's hypoallergenic
and waterproof.

Just leave it for you.

Hi, Sophie, how you doin'?

Not bad.

You good?


Didn't expect
to see you back here.

Yeah, I wanted to bring
the kid some sun block.


What was that?

It's his Polaroid.

He likes taking pictures.
There's no film in it.

He's just... ha...
likes taking pictures.


Just as a point of interest...

what made you think
I'd be a good match...

for a boy who spends
most of his time in a box?

He thinks
he's from another planet.

Yah! Aah!


Yah! Unh!

- Cut!
- Looks great.

Looks great, guys.
Thank you.

- We're going in.
- So, buddy, what do you think?

Where is the pathos?


Dude, where is the pathos?

The Earl of Dracoban is dying.

- This is a guy...
- Buddy!

Who has fought his way
across the galaxy.

Lastupon... Lastupon
was a blue dwarf

that became a red giant.

It's the red dwarf phase
of the giant.

What are you talk...

Look, I don't know
what I'm talkin' about.

But this I do know...

I see a production that is
honoring the world of your book.

takin' it very seriously.

That's what I see.

- Speaking of your book...
- Aah!

Guess who I got
a call from today.

Your publisher, our publisher.

- Tina.
- Tina.

Did she ask you how The Revenge
of Dracoban is coming?

No, she shouted it.


You know what the problem is?

When I wrote the novel...

there's this giant massacre
at the end and everybody dies.

- I know.
- All the characters are dead.

I know. I sold it.

It's a problem.

That's great.

Let's move on
to the master scene.

What am I gonna tell Tina?

Tell Tina that somewhere in
the deepest, darkest bowels...

of Castle Zeptar,
the earl's necromancers...

are bringing him back
to life against his will...

if that's possible.
Is that any good?



Good morning! Your sword!

Move ahead!

and, hello, earth to David.

A kid who sits
in a box all day...

is a giant red flag,
all right?

It's like the equivalent
of buying a used car...

and ignoring the oil spill
in the driveway.

You know, for a non-writer
you're becoming the queen...

- of the muscular analogy.
- Okay.

Listen, the thing about kids...

and I wouldn't trade
mine for the world...

is that they keep comin'
at you, all right?

They're like mosquitoes...

suckin' the life out of you.

They take away your life,
your privacy, your identity.

You should work
for Planned Parenthood.

You joke.

You forget that whole shelf-full
of books you wrote...

or your knowledge
of California wines...

or that you ever
ran a marathon.

All right,
here's the thing, Liz.

I never ran a marathon.

I don't want
to run a marathon.

I want to do something
meaningful, you know?

And I get all
the arguments against it.

I even get the one that says...

"I don't know if I want to bring
another kid into this world. "

But how do you argue
with the logic...

of loving one
that's already here?

Trans fobo medio.
Trans fobo medio.

Trans fobo medio.

- Dennis!
- Tran fobo medio.

Dennis, what are you doing?

- It's raining!
- I'm waiting for David.


The man with UV protection.

Come in.

Get over here!

Ahem, anybody in there?

Brought you somethin'.

One, two, three, four...

Those really help
cut out the glare...

uh, one...

in your ongoing battle
with the sun.

Thank you.

You're welcome.


Quality throw, chief.

Nice to see ya.

Very nice to see ya, actually.

He's not a puppy
in a window, you know?

I know.

All right,
catch it, catch it.

- Go for it.
- Okay.

You see, he's been abandoned,
emotionally abused...

he's classified
as "hard to place. "

He's... He's never
had a family of his own.

I know, but am I
the right person for him?

I mean, I'm just a writer.

He's seen a lot of doctors,
if that's what you mean.

That's not what he needs.

Oh, you!

At least tell me
what you're thinkin'.

I'm thinking I must be
out of my mind.

I see you remembered
your sunscreen.

You know, it works just as good
if you don't put so much on.

Is that your weight belt?

Earth's gravity is weak.

Mars is constantly
pulling me back.

So without all that stuff...

you think
you'd just float away?


That ever happen before?



With another
mommy and daddy.

Sophie, someone

- stole my ice cream!
- Hey! Wait up!

Uh, uncommunicative...

a tendency to steal things...

inability to form
personal attachments...

or distinguish
between right and wrong...

and he thinks...

He thinks
he's from outer space.

Not to put too sharp
a point on it...

but I think he thinks
he's from Mars.

How do you plan to deal
with that, Mr. Gordon?

Fantasy is my business.

It's... It's what
I do for a living.

And one of the things
I've learned about fantasy...

uh... in my own life...

is that it can be
a survival technique...

you know, kind
of a coping mechanism...

a way to deal with problems
that are bigger than you...

bigger than you're...

you're capable
of dealing with.

Uh, so, uh, you know...

the... the... the short answer is,
um, you know...

try to find that balance
between socializing him...

and letting him be who he is.

So, um, you know...

um, so, you know,
on the one hand...

uh, help him out
as much as I can...

and on the other hand,
uh, if he wants to...

If this little guy
wants to believe...

he's from another planet...

you know, I mean,
who am I to argue?

This isn't science fiction.
This isn't a short story.

Very often, with our children...

we don't get to have
a second draft.


A single man raising
a child with problems...

that are not common,
that are not easy...

you're gonna need
all kinds of help.

You'd need to include us...

- Mm-hmm.
- Include me.

Does anybody have anything?


We're gonna take some time
and think about this.

Thank you, Mr. Gordon.

We'll let you know.


Hey, man, what's up?

How's things on the planet?

Go away.




Liz, I can't talk right now.
I'm waitin' for the call.

But you have call waiting.

But I don't trust it.

Your uncle is nuts.




Thanks for comin'
out here with me today.

It's pretty.

I thought you'd like it.
It's cool.

I like the holding-down belt.

You can wear
the holding-down belt...

all day long if you like.

Listen, Dennis, Mr. Lefkowitz...

said you can come live
in my house if you want.

It'll only be temporary
at first...

but if you like it,
you could stay.

I eat Lucky Charms.

I am a big believer
in a substantial breakfast.

Get your suitcase for you.

I got it.


Go ahead.

You can cut through here.

Oh, right over here.

Yeah, yeah.

This way, young squire.

Hey, Somewhere!

Hey, Somewhere,
Somewhere, down, boy.

Down, boy. Hey, sorry.

That's just Somewhere.

It's just his way
of saying hello.

We don't have those
where I come from.

You're not a dog person, huh?

I'm just waiting
for the boys to get home.

Well, what is he doing now?

He's just...
He's just in his room.

Should I give him
some space or go in there?

I'll call you back.
I'll call you back.

This is kind of an a...
of an interesting thing.

It's a special night light.

But as you can see, it has
pictures of the planets...

and the solar systems...

and, you see, they
kind of spin around.

It's got mirrors.

And lights on the bottom
and pictures.

That's not right.


Well, what do you mean?

You'll have to
make the ceiling bigger...

and you'll have to make
your planet like this.

You're absolutely right.

For the...
For it to be accurate...

the ceiling would have to be,
I don't know, 100 feet long...

and the earth
would be the size of a pea.

Very, very good.

How do you know
that much about scale?

It took a very long time
to get here.

A very, very, very
long time to get here.

You can get rid of some of
those old clothes if you want.

Or we can keep that old stuff...

till it literally disintegrates
and falls off your body.

That's a good way to go, too.

That's kinda cool.

I used to be good
at video games.

It's not a game.

It's not?

Whatever it is, it's cool.

Should I close the door...

or should I just leave it
open or halfway?

Leave it open?


Just think of it
as a bigger box.

All right, Dennis, I think
you're gonna enjoy this.

But, listen, before we eat,
rules of the house...

first rule,
no girls after 10 P.M.

Just kidding on that one.

Uh... the first rule
is that there...

There really aren't
any rules, you know?

Just maybe
some basic stuff about...


Better put a sticker
there, I guess.

Listen, maybe we can,
uh, have a...

I don't know,
more of a guideline...

more than a rule,
that we don't...

um, wear
the sunglasses indoors...

just for
navigational purposes.

I mean, this is
a grilled cheese sandwich.

Uh, I made you
a grilled cheese sandwich...

'cause I love
grilled cheese sandwiches.

I think that they're,
you know, an American classic.

I used to eat these a lot
when I was a kid.

I loved 'em.

I eat Lucky Charms.

Yeah, sure, for breakfast,
you can have Lucky Charms...

or maybe some granola or yogurt,
any kind of cereal.

That sounds great.

So, anyway, bon appétit.

Try that.

I eat Lucky Charms.

Oh, here we go.

Look at that.

All right, let's get more...

because, you know,
you never know.

We gotta stock up.

Never know if there's
gonna be the avian bird flu...

or bubonic plague...

or any other sort of pandemic
is gonna come along...

and really wreck your day.

Want to make sure
you have the right supplies.

This stuff has...
This stuff has gotta have...

a shelf life
of about 33,000 years.

If anything happened...

the, um, apocalypse,
the four horsemen show up...

this stuff is still
magically delicious.

We're Lucky Charms guys.


Dennis, are you okay?
What are you doin'?

Watching you.


It's a little late for that.


Dennis, what are you doin'?

Come on, let's...
Let's put the camera away.

Dennis, please.
Let's put the camera away.

Come on now.

I almost Disney-grated you.

You almost disintegrated me?

Why would you want to do that?

Hey, it's the, um... ahem.

It's the middle
of the night, chief.

What are you doin'
with all these pictures?

And what are you doin' up?


Learning? Learning what?

How to be a human
and part of a family.

I think you speak
for a lot of us there.


That's very good.

That's very realistic.

Um, maybe we ought to
pick this up in the morning...

over a bowl of Lucky Charms,
what do you say?

Maybe we should go to bed now.

Yeah, yeah, I saw that.

That's a very good expression.


Yes, Mr. Gordon.
Hi, Mr. Lefkowitz...

- from Children's Services.
- Wh-What? Who?

This is Mr. Lefkowitz
from Children's Services.

Oh, hi. Hello, sir.
How are you?

Well, good.

More to the point, how are you?

Couldn't be better.
Couldn't be better.

Good. How's Dennis?

Is there anything
we should talk about?

Mr. Gordon?

Hello, Mr. Gordon.

Uh, yeah. I'm here.

Yeah, hi. I was asking if... if...

Do you have any
concerns about Dennis...

that you'd like to talk about?

No, no.
Everything's going great.

Couldn't be better, sir.


I think it's time to get
you out of the house.

Listen, imagination
is a rare commodity.

Dennis has the soul
of an artist.

He could grow up
to be, you know...

become a prodigy like...
You saw Amadeus.

He could be a little Mozart
in waiting for all you know.

Mom, he's being gross.

- Come on.
- Guys, let it go, okay?


It all ends up
in the same place, right?

Come on, guys.

I mean, I want to be sensitive,
but he's a mess.

Hey, that's sensitive?

You should hear blunt.

No, but really.

Listen, my point is that
not everybody is born to be...

a go-with-the-flow,
happy little Gap-kid.

Right now, it looks like
he's gonna grow up...

to be Tiny Tim
with a ukulele, all right?

What, are you
breeding geniuses now?

Mozart, by the way, died
in a hovel at 27, drunk and...

Unspecified fever at 35.

Stuff like that.

Sure, we all enjoyed his music,
but did he enjoy himself?

Give me a chance.

You know, David,
as far as I'm concerned...

they're all from Mars.
At least your kid admits it.

See, this is a smart man.

That's the correct answer, man.

- Smart man. Right.
- You married a smart man.

I know.
I agree they're all from Mars.

Strike two!

Two and two the count...

as Bobby Miller gets
ready for the pitch.

As Bobby Miller gets
ready for the pitch.

Here we go.

Strike three!

That was a nice strike-out, huh?

It's called a strike-out.

It's pretty cool, huh?
You want a peanut?

You know what's really cool
about baseball?

You know what I love
about baseball?

Baseball is the only sport...

where you can fail 70 percent
of the time and still be great.

It's about trying hard and
never, ever, ever givin' up.

Just think about it.

If you get a hit
three out of every 10 times...

you're at bat,
you're really good.

If you do
a little bit better than that...

just a little bit
better than that...

maybe 3.2, 3.3 times...

you're great,
and you could be a star.

And you're gonna make it
to the Big Show.

And if you do that
on the Big Show...

you're a superstar.

Superstars don't exist.

Only supernovas or white dwarfs.

I deserve you.

I really do.

You're out.

This guy doesn't look
like much of a hitter.

But we believe, don't we?

Come on, now!

Strike three!

It's not lookin' pretty.

We're down by seven runs.

We're not hittin' a lick.

Come on, batter.

We need a hit.

Right on the ball!


There you go.

Got a single.
Get something started.

I did it.

You did what?

I made a Martian wish.

You made a...

You made a Martian wish?

Martians can wish for stuff.

Like hits?


You know, sometimes
I make earth wishes...

but they don't always work out.

Well, listen, since
you're in the wishing mode...

see this guy comin' up
to the plate?

Wish for a home run.

Go! Go! Go!

That ball is gone!

Want him to win?

Unbelievable. What
an awesome display of power.

You're a prognosticator,
you're a scholar...

and now you're a baseball
fanatic, and I like it.

...all the way back to 1973.

Let's hear it
for those Coal Miners. Now...

Unbelievable game.

This isn't looking pretty.

Do you know we spend
an average of two weeks...

in a lifetime waiting
for traffic lights?

I remember when
all these lights...

were timed, you know,
when they were synchronized?

And you could just find this
little seam in the universe...

and float through.

Wow. Did you see that?

Yup. I just gave you
three minutes of your life back.

Well, thank you.
I'll use them wisely.

Do that again.


Why? 'Cause you don't want to
or 'cause you can't?

I only have
so many Martian wishes.

That's fair.

But if you want,
I can give you one.

Who wouldn't want one?

There, I just gave you
a Martian wish.

Don't waste it.

I absolutely won't. I promise.

I'll use it for something
really important.

That was really intense.

You're just a freaky
little dude, man.


Hey, Somewhere.

- This is Harlee.
- Hi.

She's... She's our good friend,
me and Somewhere.

She helped design
this whole garden, so...

Nice frame.

I've heard a lot about you.

You want to say hi?

- No?
- It's okay.

Don't worry. Don't worry.

Isn't he wild?

He's great,
like a little Andy Warhol.

He has the same social skills,
by the way.

You know what I think it is?


He's an old soul.

What does that mean?


It just means
he's figured it out.

You're one relentlessly
sunny individual.

Yeah, well, I don't
always wake up that way.

And that is what
we so admire about you.

This particular move here
that he's got goin'...

can't be sanitary or safe.

He likes to vacuum.

No, no, no,
he thinks he is the vacuum.

There's a difference, see?

That's so Zen.

It is, kind of, isn't it?


See? More sunshine.

Keep your hips towards me,
though, if you can.

Just move this foot
a little towards me.

No, no, not
that part of your hips.

Just square yourself
up this way.

Right like that, right?

And then hand on the bat...

and, remember,
you're gonna step forward.

When you hit the ball,
you can yell, "Hot coffee!"

Say it.

Hot coffee!

Say, "Hot coffee!"

All right, forget it.

Seven out of ten times
you can fail...

but you're still a star.

A little better than that...

you'll go to the Big Show
for a cup of coffee.

I like this game.

I know. It's good, right?

It's a great game.

So, eye on the ball and swing.

That was a little late.

Watch the ball hit the bat.

Watch. Just have your eyes
go right there.

What is with your pitching?

- Here we go.
- Oh!

That was a little too early.

- But it was so good.
- Yeah.

It was a good form.

Almost, Dennis, that was nice.

All right now,
with fierce determination.

Want to see you,
you know, just groove on it.

You know, get a little attitude.

You know, a little swagger.
You touch the plate.

Come on, you're a lefty.

You're weird, you're eccentric,
nobody understands you.

You don't
even understand yourself.

You know what I'm sayin'? Yeah.


Yeah, that's what
I'm talkin' about. Yeah.

Now hands back,
give me the eagle eye.

I'm scared.

That's what I'm talkin' about.

Oh! Oh!

Hot coffee!

Hot coffee.

Oh! Hot coffee!

Yeah, you drove it
it down the line.

That's a fair ball! Run!

Run! Run, Dennis!

Fair ball! Run!

Drop the bat and run. Run.


- Dennis, run.
- Go, run! Run!

- Come on!
- Run! Quick!

Come on now.

Oh, thank you, sweetie.

What was that for?

'Cause they're giving medals
to all the wrong guys.

Hello, my name is Jeff.

Hey, buddy.

I'm a friend of your...

um, and I have
this present for you.

You're his agent.

Yes, I am.

Wow, that's, pfft, very good.

I'm impressed.

Where is, um, David?

Is he inside?

Is he inside?

Is he writing?
Is he writing inside?

Okay, buddy, listen, I'm...

- Hey, Jeff!
- Hey, buddy, how are ya?

Good to see you.
You met Dennis, huh?

Yeah, we've just been
getting to know each other.

If he gets hungry...

Lucky Charms
all night long, right?

Lucky Charms.


He's not...
It takes a while.

Hi. We're gonna go.

See you, buddy.
Nice to see ya.

God, I'm so proud of you, man...

- Yeah.
- Re-entering your life...


It's not going very well.

Buddy, you know what?

There is a long
and proud tradition...

of asking for help
in the form of a nanny.

- No!
- There's absolutely...

No, there's no shame in that.

I'm not talking about...

I'm not talking about Dennis.
He's fine.

I'm talking about, you know...

the book's not going
particularly well.

What... What's, um...

What's going on
with the book?

Does that mean like...

not good or what?

- No.
- Like the ending?

You havin' a hard time
noodling the ending?

Can I help you? Is
there anything I can help...

No, no, it's just that
there's an essential idea...

I haven't come to grips with.

But you know the great thing
about Dennis?

He is a fountain of ideas.

He is challenging all
my assumptions, all of them...

every one of them,
and I am going with it.

I just got to learn
to be a little less rigid.

Or a little more rigid.

Yup, it's great.

I'm so excited...

that you're figuring out
the rigidity...

but, buddy, I am livin'
The Revenge of Dracoban...

on a daily basis...

and the forces of darkness
are closin' in on me, man.

Tina's coming to town.

Yeah, she's havin' a big
black tie party for you...

- and she expects you
- Party?

To ritualistically
hand over to her...

the first draft ever written...

of The Revenge of Dracoban
Part Two, the sequel.


About six weeks from now.

You know, so that's it.


January 28th.

She's doing it January 28th.

What is the significance
of that date?

I don't know.

She's doing a book signing
or something that night.

The book signing at the...

I got to get a sitter!

Buddy, are you losin' your mind?


Because if you are...

I just need
a little bit of lead time.

Don't you think
I deserve that...

- after all these years?
- Don't worry.

You sure you don't want me
to come in with you?


Yes, come in?

No. Don't come in.

Don't come in.

You need the umbrella?


And the weight belt's
an absolutely essential item?

-  Just let your feelings roll on by 
- Uh-Huh.

Okay. You're gonna have...

- a great first day.
-  Don't wear fear 

 Or nobody will know 

-  You're here 
- Dennis. Dennis. Dennis.

-  Lift your head 
- Listen, just...

 And let your feelings
out instead 

Just be yourself.

 Don't be shy 

That's all
you got to do, okay?

 Just let your feelings
roll on by 

 On by 

-  You know love 
- Dennis, Dennis, Dennis, Dennis.

-  Is better than a song 
- That way.

 Love is where
all of us belong 

 So don't be shy 

 Just let your feelings
roll on by 

Hey, Zack,
you wanna play football?

Hey, retard.

Yeah, we see you.

You little punks.

Sir, is there a problem?

Uh, no, no, no...

not at...
I'm just here to watch.

Yeah, that's a problem.

No, no, no.

This is
a total misunderstanding.

This is not
what it appears to be.

Do you... I'm a new parent.

That... That...

He's my... He's my son...

and it's his first day...

and I was really concerned.

I came to
check on my daughter.


That's my baby
right there in the brown.

- Driving the, uh...
- Mm-hmm.

Which one's yours?

Over off on the side there...

hanging upside down.

- Weirdo.
- I know.

Good luck to you, sir.


He says he's counteracting
earth's gravitational pull...

because it impedes
the blood flow to his brains.

That's what the yogis believe.

Yogis don't have to go
to second grade.

Hey, there's no harm
in being a little eccentric.

This I know.

So, he thinks
he's from Mars...

and you write about Mars,
that's great.

A little Martian chose you
to teach him about being human.

Come on. He came to earth
to document our existence.

Listen, when I was 11 years old,
I saw The Sound of Music...

and from that moment on,
I was convinced...

I was the lost
von Trapp sister.


Yeah, but did you go
to school in lederhosen?

Yes, I did.

That's a good look for you.

- He's a sweet little boy...
- Yeah.

But, uh,
he's not like the others.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

The, uh, social worker says...

he has
above average intelligence...

but, you know, I guess...

it just takes time
for him to adjust.

He steals
from the other children.


We find things in his cubby:
Shoes, pencils, retainers.

Um, you know, Dennis
has a really curious mind...

and I think
he just really needs...

You know, if it were only...

If it were only
about the stealing...

but Dennis needs
special attention...

that we're simply
not equipped to offer here.

What do you mean
you're not equipped to offer?

I'm sorry.

About what?

What are you saying?

You're saying
you're throwing him out?

Well, that's really...

That's really cold.

- Mr. Gordon.
- Hi.

Dennis and I had
a nice, long chat.

Good. How'd that go, pal?

I'm an intelligent being.

I completely agree.


Um, why don't you and I chat?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You want to wait here?

What do I do for Dennis?

I mean, to...

Do what you're doing.

Just, you know,
you got to give this some time.

You know, doctor,
I'm really concerned.

I mean, he's not
making any friends...

and he's not relating
to me particularly well...

and he just got expelled
from school for stealing...

and he's
a very isolated little guy.

And when he, uh, you know,
when he's vulnerable...

and scared like that,
I just...

I mean, when he tells me...

he thinks
he's gonna float away.

He probably thinks
he's gonna float away...

because he's very smart...

and he sees that
he's living in a world...

where things
and people do disappear.

I could give him a prescription,
but, honestly, I...

I think that seeing how
another intelligent being...

keeps his feet on the ground...

would be far more therapeutic
for Dennis.

Mr. Gordon,
all parents feel...

like they're the blind
leading the blind.


Listen, pal, I got to talk
to you about something.

Um, after Christmas break,
we're gonna start a new school.

And I want to see
how you feel about it...

because that can be kinda scary,
startin' a new school...

and, you know, your teacher
thinks it's a good idea...

and... and... and so do I.

And, um...


It's good
to measure things, huh?

Anyway, how do you feel
about it?

You okay
to take a fresh start?

Take a fresh run
at a new school?

Would you be up for that?


What are you looking at?

That's where they found me...

on the grass
by the big, round building.

It was raining.

You know what's weird
is that was so long ago...

I would think
you couldn't remember it.

I couldn't, so how could you?

They'll come back
someday to get me.

Like, like summer camp?

You don't believe me.

So Martians
can read minds, too, huh?

Martians can do lots
of things you can't.

Besides changing traffic lights,
what can you do?

We can taste color.


You can taste color.

Prove it to me.

Off with the glasses,
close your eyes.

They said this would happen.

Open up.

Open... Don't... You were lookin'.

You were totally lookin'.

Right, open up. Here we go.

What color is it?


All right,
but that one doesn't count...

because we had obvious
ethical complications.

Open up.


Very good.

Open up.


Yes, it was.

This one?


I can't taste it.

It's blue.

I know.
I can't taste blue.

A little too bright?

Shade it back up.

Come, Flomar.

Did you just call Somewhere

It's Martian
for "warm, furry friend. "

He picked it.


All right.

You want to get
a glass of water for you?

- No.
-  Jingle bells 

- No, thank you.
 Jingle bells 

Where do you...
Where do you want him to sit?

Hey, it doesn't matter.
Anywhere you want.

Be laissez-faire
about it, right?

Okay, does he have turkey...

or should I get
some Lucky Charms?

I don't know.
Ask boy wonder over there.


Hey. Hey, Dennis.

Do you want to have
some turkey with us?

I can't eat anything
grown on Saturn's moons.

- Hmm.
- Well, then, I think you're safe here.

That'll be great.

Okay, buddy?

You ever notice how far apart
his eyes are actually set?


Or that his ears are
just a little bit pointy?

Little bit.


All this time
I was thinking...

that I was no good
as a father, right?


And that, you know,
I was working the Mars...

as a metaphor angle.

But then I was
thinking to myself...

what if that's not it?

What if he actually
really is imbued, you know...

with some special...

You know,
he could be a little medium.

- David, you're hysterical.
- I know.

See, everybody says,
"Don't be hysterical. "

But I say,
"Why not be hysterical?"

Hysterical is the new calm.

My wife dies, boom...

I go out and I adopt
a kid from Neptune.

Should I just chill,
or should I be hysterical?

You tell me.

I think hysteria
is a way of life.

It's a clothing line
at least.

I could stop writing...

not that I'm writing anyway.

David, I'm...
I'm worrying about you.


Because I think
what's really going on here...

is you guys
are really struggling.

You think I don't know that?

I know that.

You know, you're still
in a trial period.

I mean...

You can return him like
a defective toaster, right?

Is that what you mean?

L... I guess what I'm trying
to say is that I...

I know you see
a lot of yourself in him...

but, David, I was there.

You were weird,
and you had problems...

but this kid
is in a whole other league.

You know, what is
so amazing about you...

is that you're right.

You're always right...

and you remember
when you're right...

and you never let
anybody else forget it.

I'm gonna just go out
for a minute.

Hey, come on, Dennis.

Let's get out of here.

Gee, this was fun, huh?

A little later...

- David?
- I can make you some Lucky Charms or something.

- David? David, don't.
- That's okay.

- Come on, it's Christmas.
- Well, you know, whatever.

- Of course, it is.
- You know?

Where... Where you going?


Come on.


Come on. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean...

Well, "trial period,"
is that a code?

- Okay.
- Some kind of code?

'Cause you said that.

- I know.
- L... You know what?

I, I, I...

Everything's okay.
Everything's cool.

- I was just trying...
- You know, I'm just tired.

I'm just tired.

But it's Christmas, David.

- No. We'll come over tomorrow.
- Just relax.

We'll come over tomorrow, okay?


Was I bad?

No, you weren't bad...

and you got to stop
saying that, all right?

I don't want you
to cut your feet.

And Daddy's...

I'm in here working.

We got to put this camera away
for a little while, okay?

But I haven't finished
my mission.

Well, you have for today.

But I haven't
finished my mission!

Give me my camera back!

I need it!

Hey, you got to calm down.

I have to go to work,
or you can go to your room.

You're gonna send me away,
aren't you?

why would I send you away?

Because you're mad at me
because I broke your stuff.

Dennis, I don't care
about any of that stuff.

This is stuff.

There's nothing you can do...

that would ever change
the way I feel.

Do you understand?

Not gonna ever send you away.

Look, this is just stuff.

Come on, break it
like you mean it.

One more.

Let it go, buddy.

Here's two. Oh, just one.

Nice one! Over the head...

over the head, big time.

Like the Greeks.

That feels so good.

No, not that plate!

I got an idea,
but we'll still have fun.

We'll still have fun.

I'm sorry.
I'm just trying to have...

I'm just trying to have...
I'm so sorry.

I was just trying
to have fun, buddy.

What's that laugh?

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, my, oh!

I will wail on you!

This is war!

- This is war!
- Whoa!



Uh, just stay here.

Pss pss...

Hey, Mr. Lefkowitz,
uh, come on in.

Uh, what a surprise.
Happy holidays.

Thank you. You, too.

Uh, we were just,
uh, having, uh...

just having some fun.

Sort of a, uh...

It's a breakthrough,
you could say.

Nice to see you.

Very, uh, vigilant of you
to come during the holidays.

I heard there was
a little trouble at school.

Just a little trouble.

Nothing we can't handle.


Would you mind very much...

if Dennis and I
went up to his room?

Maybe he could
show me his room.

We could chat for a bit.

No, I wouldn't mind.
Would you mind?

Would that be okay, Dennis?

I think it's okay with Dennis.


Where's your room, Dennis?

It's downstairs.

He'll show you.

Thank you.

Following you.

Everything is...

Everything all right?

Hey, you knew
about this stuff?

Uh, we're just
gonna turn that off real quick.

Yeah, yeah, sure,
we're, we're, um...

Have you seen this?

Yeah, yeah,
I know all about this.

This is a science project
that we're working on.

Kind of
a whole transformation...

and decay kind of a thing.

We take all the stuff
from the house...

and we put it
in the baggies.

We take photos of it,
and we put it away...

then we come back to it.

Uh, Dennis and I...
Uh, Dennis mostly...

He'd study how it's...

See, we're doin'
it right now.

Car keys.

- Sure.
- You know, car keys.

- Yours?
- Yeah, they are.

Passport, yours?

I knew about that, too.

It's amazing how much
a passport can decay.

Everything's good.
Everything's fine here.

Everything's great.

We just try
to do the things and see...

how they have transformed
and decayed or not.

- Lf...
- Sometimes they don't.

We could just talk in private.


Good. Excuse us
one second, Dennis.



I'm just a little bit
concerned here, Mr. Gordon.

You seem to suffer
from a syndrome...

many adopting parents


You're so eager
to become the child's friend...

you forget to be a parent.

And Dennis needs
a parent right now.

He needs a strong role model.

He needs someone
to bring him down to earth.

He's been stealing again.

He's been
expelled from school.

I think "expelled"
is a harsh word.

I think there was
a consensus reached...

that it wasn't
the right place for him.

Yeah, a consensus includes me.

The principal
gave me no option.

L... I should have called,
and I apologize for that.

I'm gonna move your case up
for a review.

You'll be notified by mail.

I'll let myself out.

Mr. Lefkowitz, I do know...

that there's no one
on this planet...

that loves Dennis
any more than I do.

I know that.

These pictures are mine.

And they're
really important to me.

And I need to understand
why you took 'em.

Will you tell me?

Please, I need you to tell me.

Because you love her so much.


Ahem, that's really true...

but that doesn't change
the way I feel about you, pal.

Not even a little.

You know,
Mr. Lefkowitz isn't sure...

that it's such a good idea
that you stay here...

so we gotta make him happy.

So when you're here at home,
it's okay to be from Mars.

But when you're out there...

with the rest
of the earthlings...

you know,
you gotta go by earth rules.

But what we will never do
is we will never, ever...

ever, ever, ever,
ever give up.

Winston Churchill said that,
I think.

There's one other thing.

It's really serious.

Will you please teach me...

how to do that
disidney-grate thing?

How you do it?

You'll get it.

We have to do this.

I can't. You do it.

I think it should be
this shirt with these.


It looks hot on you.

He'll look devastating.

He will. He will.
That's fine.

- That's fine.
- Right?

What age do they start
making fun of you...

if you wear the wrong clothes?

- I don't know.
- You know, like, uh...

if you're not cool.
What... What...

- Fifth grade?
- Fifth grade?

That's when I started wearing...

my rainbow-colored
leg warmers every day.

Pretty much solidified
my role as the weird girl...

who sat in the back of class...

drawing Smurfs
until ninth grade.


But what?

Maybe it's
not supposed to be easy.

I mean, maybe the ones
who have it easy...

they're missing
part of the adventure.


Don't you think all the truly
fascinating people...

in the world probably had
dysfunctional childhoods?

You sold me.
I'm gonna send him to school...

in the rainbow-colored
leg warmers.

- Please don't.
- I will.

I'm not that fascinating.

Uh, thing about it is...

I just worry about him
all the time.

It's the curse
of being a parent.

I think Dennis is happier
than he's been in a long time.


I think you are, too.

I should go.

It's late, and I'm tired.

Do you want me
to make some coffee...

for the ride home
or something or...

or you could just stay here.

In the guest bedroom.

You don't have a guest bedroom.

That's right.
Best you were on the couch.

I didn't... Believe me, that...

That's not what I meant.

That was the furthest...

furthest thing from my mind.

Oh, really? The furthest?

Well, not the furthest thing
from my mind.

There's just things that
are a little further away...

like smallpox or, you know.

It's really...

I gotta go.

I gotta go feed the goldfish.

The goldfish?

I'm taking care
of my neighbor's goldfish.

Your neighbor's.

- Yes.
- I see.

Uh, uh...

They need to get fed.

Goldfish, huh?

- Good night.
- Yeah.

Uh... oh.

You okay?

Uh, yeah. Are you okay?

I don't know.

You are. You look okay.

- So do you.
- Okay. Bye.

You look great.

- What?
- You look good.

Oh, you, too.

You look great.


It's a cloudy day.

I know.

That's why you don't need
all that sun block.

I do have a little bit
of bad news, though.

We're gonna have to do
without the holding-down belt.

But I'll float away.

I don't know much,
but I know this.

You will not float away.


Guarantee it.

But you know... Come on.

You know,
what I was gonna tell you is...

I don't know
if I ever told you this...

but when I was a kid,
I used to pretend...

like I was
from another planet.

Why did you do that?

Well, I was going
to a new school...

and I was nervous...

and I wanted people
to like me...

and, you know, I was afraid
I wouldn't fit in and...

Did you wear a hat?

Um, yeah.

Yeah, sometimes I did...

'cause it was Chicago,
and it was cold...

so sometimes I wore a hat.

You shouldn't
have worn a hat.

There it is.

Well, anyway, after a while...

I learned to be a little bit
more like everybody else...

and to fit in a little bit.

And you know what?
It wasn't so bad.

It really wasn't so bad.

Is it good to be
like everyone else?

That's a really good question.

Um, which is usually
what adults say...

when they don't
have the answer.

I think what's important
right now to remember...

is that you need
to learn stuff.

About human beingness.

Exactly right.

Instead of, you know...

Human Martianness.

Which you already know
a lot about, right?

- You're welcome.
- Hi, Miss Margie.

Mr. Gordon, hi.

Nice to see you.
Do you remember Dennis?

- Hello, Dennis.
- Miss Margie.

Don't worry.
We're all very nice here.

Hey, listen, pal.

If you feel like you're nervous
or you can't handle it...

I'm gonna be right out there...

and you can come get me
in the car.

What if I don't feel good
after you leave?

Well, you can come get me.

I'll be there all day.

- All day?
- Mm-hmm.

All day.

Okay. Your daddy
has to go now, Dennis.


Okay, here you go, pal.

We're a little nervous...

'cause we don't have
our weight belt today.

We're havin' gravity issues.

Okay, pal.

"And the radios crackled
up and down the line...

"as the fighter lords
received the command...

"and turned to their soldiers

"Fall where you stand.

"Fall where you stand. "

And that is enough
of Dracoban for one night.

Good night, sweet prince.

 Shinin' like a work of art 

 Hangin' on a wall of stars 

 Are you
what I think you are? 

 You're my satellite 

 You're riding
with me tonight 

 Passenger side,
lighting the sky 

 Always the first star
that I find 

 You're my satellite 

 You're my satellite 

 You're my satellite 

Nice talk.



I'm coming!

Dennis, you okay, pal?
What's wrong?

What's wrong? What's wrong?




What's wrong with him?

Oh, Somewhere.

What happened?

Is he okay?

No, no.

He died.


Damn it.

Hey, let's go for a ride.

Let's go for a ride.

Let's get out of here.

We'll go look at the stars.

Come on, pal.

When I was
a little boy like you...

I used to think
when you lost somebody...

they would go up there
in the stars...

and you can't
see 'em anymore...

but you can talk to 'em,
and they can hear you.

Is that why
you were crying...

because you won't see
Flomar anymore?

When you love somebody...

it's really hard when
you can't see 'em anymore.

Do you talk to Mary?

In a way I do, yeah,
all the time.

That's probably
why I come out here.

I can see Mars.

Get out. Where?
I can't see it.

Oh, that's a good eye.

What do you think
of when you see Mars?

That my mission is almost over.

I'll be going back soon...

and then everything
will go back to normal.

Dennis, can I just say
one last thing about Mars...

which may be strange...

coming from
a science fiction writer...

but, right now,
you and me, here...

put together
entirely from atoms...

sitting on this round rock
with a core of liquid iron...

held down by this force, that so
troubles you, called gravity...

all the while spinning
around the sun...

at 67,000 miles an hour...

and whizzing
through the Milky Way...

at 600,000 miles an hour...

in a universe that very well
may be chasing its own tail...

at the speed of light.

And amidst all
this frantic activity...

fully cognizant
of our own imminent demise...

which is a very pretty way
of saying...

we all know
we're gonna die...

we reach out to one another.

for the sake of vanity...

sometimes for reasons...

you're not old enough
to understand yet...

but a lot of the time...

we just reach out and
expect nothing in return.

Isn't that strange?

Isn't that weird?

Isn't that weird enough?

What the heck do you need
to be from Mars for?

So, look, we're
just gonna talk to 'em...

and we're gonna tell 'em about
all of the human stuff...

we like to do,
and, you know...

it'll be over
before you know it...

and everything will be fine.

Okay, deal?

'Cause if I'm myself...

they won't let me
to stay with you.

No. No, no.


Whatever you say,
it's gonna be okay.

I love you very, very much.

Ah, you got
your ankle weights there.

Be yourself.

- Come on.
- Hey.

- Hi, Sophe.
- Hi.

Okay, come with me, huh?

It's gonna be okay.

Let me go get
some coffee here.

It's all all right.

So, Dennis, how you
getting along at school?


Is there something
you want to tell us about?


You don't seem
very happy today, Dennis.

I'm stellar.

So, um, all this moving
from school to school...

how... how's... how's that
been for you?

Mm, there's been
some rough times...

but the important thing...

is to, um, you have
to face your problems...

and you should
never ever, ever, ever...

ever, ever give up.

Never ever, ever, ever.

Winston Churchill said that...

I think.

Winston Churchill,
he was a very smart man, huh?

Hey, Dennis,
when we've spoken before...

you... you said that you were
from another planet.


Mars, right.

Zepper nicki whawok.

Trans fobo medio.

it's okay to pretend...

and sometimes it isn't.

So you...
You were just pretending?


And then
I started doing science...

and I realized we were
spinning around the sun...

at 67,000 miles an hour...

held in place by gravity.

So what the heck do I need
to be from Mars for?

I think it was
because I didn't fit in.

And then I started to learn
how to be like everyone else.

Dennis, did, um...

Did Mr. Gordon coach you
on... on what to say here today?

He only coached me on one thing.

What's that?

If you hit three out of ten,
you're a star.

If you get even
a little better than that...

a little better than that,
you're a superstar.

You get a cup of coffee.

Hot coffee.

Well, how'd it... How'd it go?

I told them about baseball.

You did?

Then I told them
about hot coffee.

You didn't? Did you really?

- Mr. Gordon.
- Yeah?


Thank you.

I love you.


- Aah!
-  Sun is shinin' 

 In the sky 

- Aah!
-  There ain't a cloud 

 In sight 

- Aah!
-  It's stopped rainin' 

 Everybody's in a play 

- Aah!
-  And don't you know 

 It's a beautiful new day 

- Ooh!
-  Hey, hey, hey 

 Runnin' down the avenue 

 See how the sun shines
brightly in the city 

 On the streets
where once was pity 

 Mr. Blue Sky
is living here today 

 Hey, hey, hey 

 Mr. Blue Sky 

 Please tell us why 

 You had to hide away
for so long 

 So long 

 Where did we go wrong? 

 Mr. Blue Sky 

 Please tell us why 

 You had to hide away
for so long 

 So long 

 Where did we go wrong? 

 Hey, you with pretty face 

 Welcome to the human race 

 A celebration 

 Mr. Blue Sky's
up there waitin' 

 And today is the day
we've waited for 

 Ah, ah, ah 

We are
highlighting the search...

for extra solar planets here
at the observatory.

And, well, as many of you know,
the Draco system...

is, uh, the prime focus
of the search.

And, well, who better
to talk about it...

than David Gordon, whose
sci-fi best-seller Dracoban...

has brought this exciting search
into the public eye.


Thank you.

Um, let's see.

Uh, thank you.

I was fascinated
with seeing Draconis...

because it was a system...

that could closely mirror
our solar system...

and might produce
a planet like Earth.

No planet has been...

the subject of more romantic
speculation than Mars.

At one point,
it was commonly believed...

that Mars was inhabited
by an ancient civilization...

that had dug an intricate
system of irrigation channels...

and the annual darkening
of the planet...

was interpreted as the growing
season of plant life.

But the flyby missions
of Mariner IV, VI, and Vll...

showed that
the irrigation system...

was nothing but an enormous
network of canyons...

and the famous darkening
due to annual dust storms.

Soil samples taken
by the Viking landers...

showed a complete absence
of organic material...

from the planet's surface.

In other words,
there is no life on Mars.

No planet
has been the subject...

of more romantic
speculation than Mars.

At one point,
it was commonly believed...

that Mars was inhabited
by an ancient civilization...

that had dug an intricate system
of irrigation channels...

and the annual darkening
of the planet...

was interpreted as the growing
season of plant life.

But the flyby missions...

This is not how I remember it.

...showed that the irrigation system...
- This isn't it.

Was nothing but an enormous
network of canyons...

and the famous darkening
due to annual dust storms.

Soil samples taken by...

I think
I'm from a different Mars.

Are you angry with me?

No, I'm not angry with you,
I just thought we agreed...

that you weren't...

gonna be from Mars.

I can't even say
that word anymore.

I thought I was pretending
so we could stay together.

No. Come on, pal.

You don't believe
I am from Mars...

- do you?
- Oh, come on, Dennis...

I think that sometimes
you think you are, okay?


No, no. You stop, Dennis.

- I mean, it's...
- The car!

I'm so sorry, officer.

I was having a conversation
with my son...

and I didn't...
I turned the corner.

I'm really sorry.

Driver's license, please.

I usually have it right here.


Dennis, did you take
my driver's license?

Freena wobbly meetya.

Dennis, I'm asking you
a question.

I need you to answer me.

Did you take
my driver's license?

This is serious, okay?

Freena wobbly meetya.

Dennis! Answer the question!

Freena wobbly meetya.

Dennis, you took my license!

No, I didn't!


I didn't steal it!

What did you do
with her pictures?

I didn't steal 'em.
I need them.

Oh, come on, man!

That's not fair!

We talked about all this!

Stop. Those are mine.

It's not your stuff, Dennis!

It's my stuff!


Dennis, adults
get their feelings hurt...

just like little boys.

This is my stuff.




Go ahead.

Why don't you?

Trans fobo medio.

- Dennis, Dennis.
- Trans fobo medio.

- Dennis, Dennis, stop.
- Trans fobo medio.

You're not a Martian.
You're just a little boy.

And maybe I can't help you.

Maybe I'm not cut out for this.

Stay here and just...
Just cool out for a minute.

Look, it's just
gonna be like, you know...

I'm gonna show my face
for twenty minutes...

- Yeah.
- Hey, no.

- Then get back on the road.
- No, take your time.

Take your time.

Do what you gotta do,
you know?

Don't worry about us.


It'll be great.

Thanks for watching him.

Oh. It's...

You're my brother.

He's my nephew.


Hey, wow. That is cool.

Listen, I'm gonna finish
cleaning up the kitchen...

and call Nicholas and Jonas
and check in on them...

and I thought
then I can come back...

and hang out, okay?

All right, big guy?

I'll be back.


Who is this handsome fellow?

I look like Chairman Mao.

That's right. You brought
your Little Red Book.

- Oh, that's hideous.
- Louie. Louis?

Louie, right here, snappy snap.

Welcome to the big time,
Mr. Gordon.

Tina. So excited.

- I was wondering about you.
- So lovely to see you.

Ah, you wouldn't be the first.

this is David Gordon...

and he is brilliant.

And I see he's brought
me a little present.

This is the first draft
of his new book.

And let me tell you,
it did not come cheap.

- Ah, David.
- Yeah?

I'd like to introduce you
to Leonard.

He's the head of our marketing.

Nice to meet you.

He's absolutely brilliant.

- Yeah?
- Welcome to the club.

Tina likes to surround herself
with brilliant people.

I can see that.

Well, shall we just give
this manuscript...

to my assistant
for safekeeping?


Tina, actually,
could I speak with you...

in private for a moment?

There's just... I have something
I need to talk to you about.

Uh, listen, this might be
a little awkward.

That's my least favorite word.

I'm sure.

Uh, well, could you
take a look at this?

I just want to talk to you
'cause it's a little...

different situation here
than I imagined.

- Martian Child?
- Mm-Hmm.

What's this?

Is that the alternate, uh...

alternate title idea, buddy?

I thought we agreed
on The Revenge of Dracoban.

Yes. Yes, we did.


but I must say it's more
than just a title change.

So this is the, um,
quantum alternate universe?

Shut up.

An idea that...

I tried to write Dracoban.

I really, really, really did.

Well, what's the problem?

I adopted a boy.

Adopted this very fantastic,
difficult young man...

and he is very much alive...

and those characters were dead,
and I had to do this.

- No, we have a contract.
- Uh-huh.

We paid you
a substantial amount.

I know, I know,
I know, I know.

And I'II, um, ahem...

I'll write the other one,
or I'll just pay you back.

It's unacceptable.

I'll refinance my house
if that's what it takes.

I don't care.

I don't want the money.

I want
a Harry bloody Potter in space.

That's what I paid for.

Leonard created
an extremely expensive...

marketing campaign
around this book...

and Dracoban is the cornerstone
of that campaign.

I can't do anything
without that.

Do you comprehend
what I am telling you?

You get that, don't you, buddy?

Do you understand that?

Why can't you just be
what we want you to be?


I got it.

Beware. Beware. Beware.

What time is it?
I'm so sorry.

I'm gonna write the other thing.

I'm gonna make
this up to you, I promise.

You're gonna get a whole series,
rivers of blood...

but just read that
because it's good.

It's really good.

And I have to go,
but this was great...

and I'm sorry.

Hey, Dennis!

What do you say, um...

to some hot chocolate
or... or somethin'?

Does that sound kinda good?

Or... Tang?

Do you know what Tang is?

It's... It's something
that the astronauts drink.

Might like that.



- We just...
- What happened?

We just can't find him.

You can't find him?

He was fine.
Everything was fine.

He was in his room,
and I... I went to get him...

- some hot chocolate.
- It's okay, it's okay.

It's okay. It's okay.

Then we
just called the police...

- just to make sure.
- Where... Where's...

Where's the last place
you saw him?

He's nowhere in the house.

Are you sure?
You checked everywhere?

It's so beautiful.

Maybe he is a little Mozart.

What does it mean?

Means goodbye.

Hey, Harlee, just stay there.
Stay in the car, okay?

Did you find him?

No, no, but I know where to go.
Can you drive me?

- Yes.
- All right.

I can get the police
to move their car.

No. Don't worry about it.

- Okay.
- Okay.

All right. Call me.

Put your seat belts on!

- You go that way, and I'Il...
- David.

Talk to him.
Go, go, go, go.

Dennis, stay where you are!

David's coming to get you...

so just don't move, okay?

Don't... Really,
just don't walk, sweetie.

You gotta just try
to stay still.



Dennis. Dennis, stop movin'.

Here I come.

Dennis, I'm comin' to get you.

Just... Just... Just stay still.
Please, please.

Dennis, stop movin'.

They're here.

Dennis, hold on, pal!
I'm comin'!

Why are you here?

You can't come with me.



Give me your hand.
I'm gonna take you home.

No. I have to go back now.

My mission is over.

Dennis, stop.

Please stop moving.

They're here.
They came back for me.

It's a helicopter, Dennis.

We've all been lookin' for you.

It's not a helicopter.
It's not.

Dennis, give me your hand.

I'm gonna take you home.

I am going home.

I don't belong here.


Put the suitcase down...

and hold onto the edges
really tight...

and I'll wait with you
until they come, okay?

I'm sorry, David.

What are you sorry about?

I'm sorry
that I have to leave...

but I'll tell them
about baseball...

and Lucky Charms...

and Flomar.

Yeah. You can tell 'em
about all the stuff we did...

and how much fun we had.

Dennis, look at me.

Tell 'em about
all the fun stuff we did...

and, you know,
how much fun we had.

You can tell 'em
how hard you tried...

you know, to fit in,
to be like all of us.

Human beings
can be kinda cruel...


I promise I'll tell 'em
you were nice to me.


You're a great human, Dennis.

That's the funny part...

and I just wanted you to feel
like you belong to me...

'cause that's what I think...

you really want
underneath all this.

I think you want
to belong to someone.

I wish we could have
more time together.

I want to prove to you...

that not all parents
disappear forever.

Why do they go sometimes?

I don't know. That's a...

I don't know.

That's a mystery.

Sometimes it's their fault,
and sometimes it's not.

It's a... It's a mystery.
I don't know.

Why? Why?

Why do you think they left me?


Because they were stupid!

Whoever let you go...

those were the stupidest beings
in the universe.

I mean, they were so dumb...

they couldn't even see
what was right in front of 'em.

How could they not see
how extraordinary you are...

how big your heart is?

I'm not even that smart,
and I can see it.

It's so obvious.

I mean, you're the easiest kid
in the world to love.

Well, to me, you are.

You know what I think?

I think you love me, too.

Like you're
just filled with it.

Think it's just waiting
to burst out of you.

Dennis, you're my son.

You're my home, forever.

And I will
never, ever, ever...

ever, ever...

ever, ever, ever...

leave you.


I got you.

I got you.

I got you.

Hey, Dennis,
I got my Martian wish.

Oh, my God.

It's okay.

"Sometimes we forget...

"that children have
just arrived on the earth.

"They are a little like aliens
coming into being...

"as bundles of energy
and pure potential...

"here on some kind
of exploratory mission...

"and they're
just trying to learn...

"what it means to be human. "

"For some reason, Dennis and I
reached out into the universe...

"and found each other...

"we'll never
really know how or why...

"and discovered that
I can love an alien...

"and he can love a creature...

"and that's weird enough
for both of us. "

Two, three. Hold on!

Come on, one more,
one more, one more.

One, two, three.

Was that good?

- Come on.
- Okay, here we go.

Okay, guys.

-  Sun is shinin' in the sky 
- That's all right.

 There ain't a cloud in sight 

- Aw!
 It's stopped rainin' 

 Everybody's in a play 

 And don't you know,
it's a beautiful new day 

 Hey, hey, hey 

 Runnin' down the avenue 

 See how the sun shines
brightly in the city 

 On the streets
where once was pity 

 Mr. Blue Sky
is living here today 

 Hey, hey, hey 

 Mr. Blue Sky 

 Please tell us why 

 You had to hide away
for so long 

 So long 

 Where did we go wrong? 

 Mr. Blue Sky 

 Please tell us why 

 You had to hide away
for so long 

 So long 

 Where did we go wrong? 

 Hey, you
with the pretty face 

 Welcome to the human race 

 A celebration 

 Mr. Blue Sky's
up there waitin' 

 And today is the day
we've waited for 

 Ah, ah, ah 

 Mr. Blue Sky 

 Please tell us why 

 You had to hide away
for so long 

 So long 

 Where did we go wrong?

 Hey, there, Mr. Blue 

 We're so pleased
to be with you 

 Look around,
see what you do 

 Everybody smiles at you 

 Hey, there, Mr. Blue 

 We're so pleased
to be with you 

 Look around,
see what you do 

 Everybody smiles at you 

 Mr. Blue Sky 

 Mr. Blue Sky 

 Mr. Blue Sky 

 Mr. Blue, you did it right 

 But soon comes Mr. Night 

 Creepin' over 

 Now his hand
is on your shoulder 

 Never mind,
I'll remember you this 

 I'll remember you this... 


Special thanks to SergeiK.