Monsters Vs. Aliens Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Monsters Vs. Aliens script is here for all you fans of the Reese Witherspoon and Hugh Laurie movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Monsters Vs. Aliens quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Monsters Vs. Aliens Script

You'd better pray to the Lord
When you see those flying saucers

It may be the coming of the Judgment Day

Hey, Jerry, you might wanna check this
one out. Palomarjust picked it up.

Looks like some type of UFO,
and it's heading this way.

How many times do I have to tell you?

UFOs don't exist
and we're never gonna see...

- Wow, its energy signature is massive.
- Holy Cheez-lts! What do we do?!

No one told us what to do!

I took this job because
you never have to do anything!

Jerry, stop it.
Let me calculate its impact point.

Looks like...

...Modesto, California.

Supernova, this is Red Dwarf.
We actually have one!

Code Nimoy! I repeat, Code Nimoy!

What are you guys doing here?
It's 5.00 in the morning.

Hurry, turn on the TV! Turn it on now!

...and some early morning fog,
giving way to sunny skies.

Seventy-five degrees.

A perfect day to stop by
the old folk art and craft show

down at the fairgrounds, or a
perfect day to marry Susan Murphy.

I love you, baby.

I love you, too.

And good morning, Modesto!

Channel 172.

You look gorgeous, sweetheart.

Thanks, Mom.

My little girl!


Now, I want you to know that, even
though I'm about to give you away...

...I will always be here
to take care of you.

Don't cry because then you'll make me
cry, and that's just gonna be a mess.

I can't help it!

Hello, everyone! Attention, attention!

Wedding starts in 30 minutes!

- My beautiful daughter-in-law!
- Hi, Mama Dietl.

It's like a fairy tale. The Weatherman
and the Weatherman's Wife.


I know. Just think, this time tomorrow,
I'm gonna be in Paris!

And someday, we won't
just be honeymooning there.

Derek will become an anchor
or a foreign correspondent.

- And we'll travel all over the world.
- Honey, my fingers are crossed.

One thumb is shorter than the other.
Runs in the family.

Derek doesn't have that.

It skips a generation.
Your kids are gonna have it!

Wow, you look beautiful.

So do you. I mean, handsome.

I mean...
Sorry. I'm just a little frazzled.

I just spent way too much time
with our parents.

Don't worry, OK?
We'll be alone soon, just us.

Eating cheese and baguettes
by the Seine,

feeding each other chocolate crepes.

- Is something wrong?
- No, no! It's just that, well...

There's been a slight change of plans.

We're not going to Paris.

- What? Why not?
- Because we're going somewhere better.

- Better than Paris?
- Oh, yeah.

Where? Tahiti?!

Nope! Fresno!



In what universe is Fresno
better than Paris, Derek?

In the "I've got an audition to become

Channel 23's new
evening anchor" universe.

Got the call from the general manager,
he wants me to come in immediately!

- Isn't that great?
- Derek!


...amazing! It's amazing.

Fresno's a top 50 market, isn't it?

It's 55th, but we're on our way, babe!

Now, look. About Paris...

It's OK. It's fine!
As long as we're together,

Fresno is the most
romantic city in the whole world.

- I'm so proud of you.
- Of us! Notjust of me.

I mean, of course, but we're a team now.
You're so proud of us.

Now, get out of here.
It's bad luck to see me in my dress.

Come on. You know
I don't believe in that stuff.

I'll be waiting for you at the altar...
the handsome news anchor in the tux.

Love you! There, I said it.

I love you, too.


Where could she be?

Susan! Where are you?!

Susan! Where have you been?!

I think I just got hit by a meteorite.

Oh, Susan. Every bride feels
that way on her wedding day.

My goodness, look at you. You're filthy.
Thank God I have Wet Ones.


You're glowing.

Thank you.

No. No, Susan, you're, like,
really glowing. You're green!

Oh, no!


Oh, my gosh!

What's going on?!

- What's happening?!
- You're all shrinking!

Uh-uh! You're growing!

- Well, make it stop!
- Get me the government!

This is impossible!

No, this can't be happening.

Wait, wait. Everybody, it's OK!

Have some champagne
while we're figuring this out!

Thumbs! Thumbs!

Derek! Help me!

Sweet Lord!

- Here comes the bride!
- Oh, Carl! It's her wedding day!

Derek? Derek?

Beam hurt Derek.

- Susan?
- Thank goodness you're OK!

What's happening to me?

Don't panic! Don't worry!
Whatever you do, don't drop...

- Derek!
- Sorry, sir.

Who are you people?
What are you doing?

Stop it! Be careful!

Get your hands off me!
Don't you know who I am?!

Please, just leave me alone!

Watch those cables!
She's coming down!

Watch out!

Move it, move it!
Let's go! Move it, move it!

Pull, pull!


All right, let's get
this baby on the bus.

Honey, could you hit the snooze?

Baby, why did you set the alarm?
We're on our honeymoon.


What's going on?


Is itjust legs?
Did they capture a giant pair of legs?

Silence, B.O. B! She'll hear us!

- How? Legs don't have ears.
- Just shush!


Is there someone there?

Could you tell me where I am?

Hello? What was that?


Will you stop?! Careful!

Please, madam!

Stop! Doing! That!

Whatever mad scientist made you,

he really went all out.

You can talk.

Hi, there!

My back!

Just kidding! I don't have a back!

Forgive him, but as you can see,
he has no brain.

Turns out you don't need one.
Totally overrated!

As a matter of fact, I don't even...

I forgot how to breathe!
Don't know how to breathe!

Help me, Dr Cockroach! Help!

Suck in, B.O.B.

Thanks, Doc. You're a lifesaver.

Wow, look at you.
I know what you're thinking.

First day in prison, you want to
take down the toughest guy in the yard.

Well, I'd like to see you try.


- Gosh. Look, she's speechless.
- She?

Yes, B.O. B! We are in the presence
of the rare female monster.

No way! It's a boy. Look at his boobies.

We need to have a talk.

Gentlemen, I'm afraid we are not making
a very good first impression.

At least I'm talking.

First new monster in years, we
couldn't get a wolf man or a mummy?

Just, you know,
somebody to play cards with.

Might we ask your name, madam?


No, no, no. We mean your monster name.

Like, what do people scream
when they see you coming?

You know, like,
"Look out! Here comes!"




I just scared myself. That is scary.

Yes! Eat times.

That is repulsive!

An old slipper!

Oh, please, God,
tell me this isn't real.

Please tell me I had a nervous
breakdown at the wedding, and now I'm

in a mental hospital on medication
that's giving me hallucinations.

Don't scare Insectosaurus!

He's gonna pee himself,
then we'll all be in trouble.

Every room has a door!
There's gotta be a door here!

It's OK, buddy. Don't worry about it.

Who's a handsome bug, huh?
You like it when I rub your tummy?

Please! Somebody!
I don't belong here!

- Let me out!
- Hey, that is not a good idea.

Let me out!

Monsters, get back in your cells.

Oh, thank goodness. A real person.
You are a real person, right?

Not one of those
half-person, half-machine,

you know, whatever
you call those things.

- A cyborg?
- Oh, no! You're a cyborg?!

Madam, I assure you, I am not a cyborg.
The name is General W.R. Monger.

I'm in charge of this facility.
Now, follow me.

It is time for your orientation.

In 1950, it was decided that Jane and
Joe Public could not handle the truth

about monsters, and should focus on more
important things, like paying taxes.

So the government convinced the world

monsters were stuff of myth and legend
and then locked them in this facility.

But I'm not a monster!
I'm just a regular person.

I'm not a danger to anyone or anything.

Don't let her get me!


- How long will I be here?
- Indefinitely.

- Can I contact my parents?
- No.

- Derek?
- Negative.

- Do they know where I am?
- No, and they never will!

This place is an X file,

wrapped in a cover-up
and deep-fried in a paranoid conspiracy.

There will be zero contact
with the outside world., eight...



I can't believe I did ten sets.


You wouldn't happen to have
any uranium on you?

I just need a smidge.

Rescind Dr Cockroach's toy box
privileges immediately.

We had the prison psychologist
redecorate your cell.

Try to keep you all calm-like.

But I don't want a poster.

I want a real kitten hanging
from a real tree.

I want to go home.

Come on, little Debbie, please
don't cry. It makes my knees hurt.

Don't think of this as a prison.

Think of it as a hotel you never leave
because it's locked from the outside!

Oh, and one other thing.

The government has changed
your name to Ginormica.

Begin reanimation sequence.

Who dares to wake me?

Quantonium has been located on a
distant planet in the Omega Quadrant.

The Omega Quadrant? Lame.

The trajectory of the
Quantonium meteor

has been traced to sector 72-4,

the planet locally known as Earth.

What a miserable-looking mud ball.

Send a robot probe!

Extract the Quantonium
with extreme prejudice.

I want it all.

Every last drop!

Yes, Gallaxhar.

Nothing can stand in my way now.

Don't rush me, Katie!
I'm just not ready.

Relax, Cuthbert.
It's just like dancing. I'll lead.

Katie, I have a gymnastics
meet tomorrow. So maybe...

Did you open the top?

Thank goodness. It's the police.

- We weren't doing anything, officer!
- Yeah, nothing at all.


Why did I even let you talk me into
this?! Maybe we should get out of here.

- Or, maybe, we should go check it out.
- Katie, are you nuts?!

Wait! Don't leave me alone!

No! My ankle!

I think it's broken!


This is the worst date ever.

Katie, I'm frightened.

It was first spotted at midnight last
night by a couple in romantic embrace.

No one knows what it is
or where it came from.

All branches of the military
were immediately mobilised.

What is that, Henshaw?


I have just received word that
the president of the United States

has arrived and will
attempt to make first contact.

I must approach it alone.

This is all about
peaceful communication.

Yes, sir, Mr President.

Perimeter stable. Got a bead
on Papa Bear. All clear.

- Let's go!
- Get out of the way!

Set her down now. Here we go!

Commander, do something violent!

You heard the president! Light 'em up!

We're getting pummelled here! Call in
air support! Call in air support!

Call in... Call in a full retreat!

Full retreat! Full retreat, all troops!

- Wheels up. Papa Bear is on the move.
- Wait.

So that's how you want to play it?
Eat lead, alien robot!

- Evidently, they eat lead.
- Get him on the chopper.

I'm brave! I'm a brave president!

Get out of the way!

- Sir! We need to declare a...
- We need to overthrow that robot

- and install our own government!
- Let's sacrifice the elderly to it!

- I say we invade it!
- The Earth only has two weeks left!

If that thing walks into a populated
area there'll be a major catastrophe!

We need our top scientific minds
on this. Get India on the phone!

Can we transport the United States
to a safer planet?

Give this alien a green card and
make him proud to be an American.

It's at dire times like this when I stop
and ask myself, "What would Oprah do"?

Hang it all! What's the point?
It's a disaster.

- Stop! No!
- Don't do it!

That button launches
our nuclear missiles!

Well, which button gets me a latte?

That would be the other one, sir.

- What idiot designed this thing?
- You did, sir.

- Fair enough. Wilson, fire somebody!
- Yes, sir, Mr President.

Listen up. I'm not going
to go down in history

as the president who was in office

when the world came to an end,

so somebody think of something,
and think of it fast!

- That is a good cup ofjoe.
- Mr President?

Not only do I have an idea,
but I have a plan!

Now, conventional weapons
have no effect on this thing,

- and we know nukes ain't an option.
- Sure they are. I just...

- Don't do it! Stop!
- Wait!

I'm not gonna kid you, Mr President.
These are dark times.

The odds are against us. We need a Hail
Mary pass. We need raw power! We need...


Monsters! Of course! It's so simple!

I... I'm not following you.

Over the last 50 years, I have captured
monsters on the rampage,

and locked them up
in a secret prison facility.

So secret that the mere mention
of its name is a federal offence.

Is he referring to Area Fifty...

Mr President,
say hello to Insectosaurus!

Miss Ronson, please.

Nuclear radiation turned him
from a small grub

into a 350-foot-tall
monster that attacked Tokyo.

Here we have the Missing Link.

A 20,000-year-old frozen fish man
who was thawed out by scientists.

He escaped and went on a rampage
in his old watering hole.

This handsome fellow
is Dr Cockroach, PhD,

the most brilliant man in the world.

He invented a scientific machine

that would give humans
the cockroach's ability to survive.

Unfortunately, there was a side effect.

Now, we call this thing B.O.B.

Will someone get her out of here?!

Thank you.

A genetically altered tomato was
combined with a chemically altered

ranch-flavoured dessert topping
at a snack food plant.

The resulting goop
gained consciousness,

and became an
indestructible gelatinous mass.

And, our latest addition, Ginormica.

General, continue.

Her entire body radiates
with pure energy,

giving her enormous strength and size.

Sir, these monsters are our best
and only chance to defeat that robot.

Don't we already have
an alien problem, General?

I don't think we need
a monster problem, too.

You got a better idea, nerd?

OK. Stay where you are.

General, I propose we go forward

with your monsters-versus-aliens
idea... thingy.

Go fish.

Do you...

...have any...


Yes. I do! How are you doing this?

- You're the luckiest guy I know.
- Luck ain't got nothin' to do with it.

What the? Hey!

They called me crazy,
but I'll show them. I'll show them all!

Doctor, I'd prefer you didn't do
your mad scientist laugh

while I'm hooked up to this machine.

You're right, Insecto.

You've let that quack experiment
on you for over a month.

I'm not a quack! I'm a mad scientist!
There is a difference.

Guys, what choice do I have? If he can
make me normal, or even six foot eight,

I can get out of here, get back
to the life I'm supposed to have.

- I should be in...
- Let me guess, Fresno?

Well, Fresno is just a stepping stone.
Next stop, Milwaukee.

- Then New York, then hopefully...
- Yeah, we know. Paris.

Throw the switch, Doctor,
but don't do the laugh.

Now you're going to feel
a slight pinch in the brain.



Am I small again?

I'm afraid not, my dear.

In fact, you may actually
have grown a couple of feet.

That's OK, Doc.
We'll try again tomorrow.

You really don't get it, do you?
No monster has ever gotten out of here!

That's not true! The Invisible Man did.

No, he didn't. We just told you that
so you wouldn't get upset.

He died of a heart attack 25 years ago.


Yeah... in that very chair.

He's still there.

You see what I'm saying? Nobody's
leaving. Nobody's ever getting out.

Good news, monsters! You're getting out!

Until today.

So let me get this straight, Monger.

You want us to fight an alien robot.

And, in exchange,
the president of these United States

authorised me to grant you
your freedom.

I can't believe it!
Soon, I'll be back in Derek's arms...

...or he'll be in mine.

I can't wait for spring break
back at Cocoa Beach, just

freaking everybody out.

And I'll go back to my lab
and finally finish my experiments.

No! That's me, B.O.B.

- Then I'll be a really giant lady.
- That's Susan, B.O.B.

Fine. Then I'll go back to Modesto
and be with Derek.

That's still Susan, B.O.B.

I think I, at least,
deserve a chance to be with Derek!

All right, let's go!

Everybody move in an orderly fashion!
This is an emergency!

We are evacuating the city!

Exact change is appreciated,
but not necessary!

Let's move out!

This is San Francisco!
This isn't far from my home!

Feel the wind on your antennae.
Isn't this wonderful?

I haven't been outside in 50 years.
It's amazing out here!

It's hotter than I remember.
Has the Earth gotten warmer?

That'd be great to know.
That would be a very convenient truth.

- Now that's a robot!
- It's huge.

Try not to damage it too much.

I might want to bring it
back to the farm!

No, no, no, wait! You didn't say
anything about it being huge!

Wait! No! Don't leave!

I think he sees us.

Hello! Hi! How you doing?

Welcome! We are here to destroy you!

I can't fight that thing.
I can't even... I've never...

I'm hyperventilating.
Does anybody have a giant paper bag?


Old Link's got this under control.

Hide in the city, Susan.
You'll be safe there.

But stay away from the Tenderloin!
It's a little dicey!

Finally, some action.
I'm gonna turn that oversized tin can

into a really dented oversized tin can.

OK! Does anybody have
a 20 on Insectosaurus?

Would you look at the size of that...


I got him, you guys! I got...

Don't worry, I won't let go!
I'm wearing him down!

Please tell me he's slowing down!

Get to the city, Link.
I'll catch up with you as soon as I can.

Or maybe you'll have to
catch up with me.

Oh, no! No, no, no!

OK, OK. I got this.

Yep, that hurt.

Get in! I have a plan!

Hot dogs!

All right, Link, I'm going to pull up
alongside it! You get up in there,

get to its
central processing unit, and...

- Hey, guys, catch me!
- No!

Let's go, let's go! Keep it moving!

Hey! No honking!

Excuse me! Coming through!
On your right! No control!

Oh, no.

OK! It's going to be OK!
Look, I'm gonna get you out of there!

Hold on a second!
We have to get off the bridge before...

No, no, no! Get away from me!

Coming through! Watch it!

Hey, furball, where you been?

Yeah, I know.
Papa's a little out of shape.

Excuse me! He's trying to kill me!
Why is it doing that? Why would it...


- Wow. You're doing great!
- I'm doing everything!

Not for long. Come on, you guys.
Let's take this thing down!

A deflector shield. Typical.

You can't crush a cockroach!

Right, right.

Here we go.



- B.O. B!
- What?

- Help me!
- Sorry.

- I was staring at this bird over there.
- Get these people off the bridge!

Got it.

No, B.O. B!
Move the dividers!

Oh, yeah, you're right. My bad.

Go, go, go, go!


Oh, I don't feel good.

OK. Susan, you can do this.

All right. Let's take this thing down.

Retrieval has failed.

Don't get upset.
It happens to everyone.

That lower life form thinks
she can steal my Quantonium?!

Send another probe at once!

Quantonium cannot
be retrieved via robot.

Carbon-based life form, locally known
as Susan, is now too strong.

Oh, you think because
you're all big and strong

and you can destroy my robot probe

that you're gonna send me
running and hiding?!

My days of running and hiding are over!

Computer, set a course to Earth.

I will retrieve the Quantonium myself,

even if I need to rip it out of her body

one cell at a time!

Careful, it's hot.

Three weeks ago, if you had asked me
to defeat a giant alien robot,

I'd have said, "No can do".
But I did it! Me!

I'm still buzzing.

Did you see how strong I was?! Probably
isn't a jar in this world I can't open.

You were positively heroic, my dear.

I especially loved how you
saved those people on the bridge.

It was a nice touch.
Wasn't she amazing, Link?

Yeah, she was great.
Really cool. Loved it.

Oh, poor Link.

After all that tough talk,
you were out-monstered by a girl.

- No wonder you're depressed.
- Hey, I'm not depressed. I'm tired.

Why are you tired?
You didn't do anything.

Well, I haven't been sleeping well.

I got sleep apnes... apnea.
Whatever. It's not fun.

So Link's a little rusty...
I mean, sleep deprived.

You'll be back
to your old self in no time.

And so will I.

What happened to the "there isn't
a jar in the world I can't open" stuff?

Wait. Did you find a jar
you couldn't open? Were pickles in it?

- Where's the giantjar of pickles?!
- What my associate is trying to say

is that we all think the new
Susan is the "cat's me-wow".

I'm sorry.

Thanks, you guys. That is so sweet,

but I have a normal life
waiting for me. You know?

So, tell me, exactly, how this normal
life thing works with you being giant.

I'm not gonna be a giant forever.

Derek won't rest
until we've found a cure for my...

...condition. We're a team.

We could all do with a Derek. Perhaps,
someday, we could make his acquaintance!

Really? You guys want to meet Derek?

First stop, Modesto!

Ginormica, I called your family
to let them know you were coming home.

Now, I also called the Modesto PD
and told them not to shoot at you.

Thanks, General.

OK, remember,
these people aren't used to seeing...

...anything like..., or you...

...or you.

So just be, you know, cool.
Just be... you know...

Follow my lead.

Stop! That was an accident!

Don't destroy anything!


- Susie Q!
- Mom? Daddy?

- Did they experiment on you?
- No, Mom. I'm fine.

It's OK. They're with me.

These are my new friends.

Oh, Derek! I missed you so much,

thinking that we'd
someday be together again!

It's the only thing that got me through
prison! I love you! I love this man!

No, B.O. B! That's my mother!
You're suffocating her!

Honey, are you all right?

- I taste ham.
- Sorry, Mom.

He's just a hugger.

Where's Derek?

He's at work, sweetie.

You know how he is about his career.

- We're not gonna celebrate without him!
- Susan!

What do I do
with all your little friends?

Just put out some snacks!
They'll eat anything!


How's it going?

Qué pasa, girlfriend?

Way to cut up a rug, Insecto!

Who wants to go
for a swim with the Link?

Hi. I'm Benzoate-Ostylezene-Bicarbonate.

Or you can call me "B.O.B.",
whichever's easier.

Did I come on too strong? I'm sorry.

I'm a little rusty.
I've been in prison my whole life.

Why'd I mention prison?

I didn't mean to scare you.
I'm just going to go.

I feel so stupid.

All right, everyone, just stay calm.
Whatever you do, do not provoke them.

Anyone care for an Atomic Gin Fizz?
It's got quite a...


Chlorine! Chlorine in my eyes!

- They're turning on us!
- Everyone run for your lives!

What are they running away from?

That's hilarious, Jim.

That's exactly the kind of
down-home country humour

I'm gonna miss when I'm in Fresno.

This is Derek Dietl,
signing off for the very last time.

- Good night, Modesto!
- Channel 172.

And cut.

Did you like that sign off?
Just made it up.

Oh, my goodness.

Wait, wait, wait! But, but!

Oh, Derek. You wouldn't
believe my last three weeks!

Thinking about you was
the only thing that kept me sane.

- Can't breathe! Ribs collapsing!
- Oh, my gosh! I'm so sorry!

Oh, my goodness. Is that better?


I'm still kind of getting used to
my new strength.

Wow! You really are big!

Yeah, but I'm still me. I'm still
the same girl you fell in love with.

Except you did just destroy
the Golden Gate Bridge.

But that was the only way
I could stop that giant robot!

You ever think I could do
something like that?

No, I didn't. I can honestly say
it never, ever, ever, ever,

ever, ever, ever, ever,
ever, ever, ever occurred to me.

Look, I know this is a little weird.

OK, it's a lot weird,
but we'll figure it out.

I know that, together, we can find
a way to get me back to normal.

Susan, try and look at this
from my perspective.

I have an audience
that depends on me for news,

weather, sports
and heart-warming fluff pieces.

You expect me to put all that on hold

while you try to undo
this thing that happened to you?

That I had absolutely
nothing to do with?

Yes. That's exactly what I expect.

What about the life we always
talked about? Don't you still want that?

Of course. I just...

...don't see how
I can have that with you.

Derek, please, don't do this.

You have to face facts, Susan.

Don't crush me for saying this,
but I'm not looking to get married

and spend the rest of my life
in someone else's shadow.

And you're casting a pretty big shadow.

I'm sorry. It's over.

Good luck, Susan.

Wow! What a shindig!

Your parents really know
how to throw it down.

What? No, that was a great party,

one of the best I've been to
since I got out of prison.

I must have been at a different party,

'cause that's not
how I interpreted it at all.

I don't think your parents liked me, and
that JELL-O gave me a fake phone number.

Well, at least the garbage was free.
You know? I mean...

Ah, who are we kidding?
We could save every city on the planet,

and they'd still treat us the same way
they've always treated us... monsters.

Right. Monsters.

Anyway, how is Derek?

Derek is a selfish jerk.

- No!
- Yes.

All that talk about "us".
"I'm so proud of us."

"Us just got a job in Fresno."
There's no "us".

There was only Derek. Why did I have to
get hit by a meteor to see that?

I was such an idiot!

Why did I ever think life with Derek
would be so great, anyway?

I mean, look at all the stuff
I've done without him.

Fighting an alien robot?
That was me, not him.

And that was amazing!
Meeting you guys? Amazing.

Dr Cockroach, you can crawl up walls

and build a supercomputer out of a
pizza box, two cans of hairspray, and...

- A paper clip!
- Amazing!

And you! You hardly need an
introduction. You're the Missing Link!

You personally carried
250 co-eds off of Cocoa Beach,

and still had strength
to fight off the National Guard!

And the Coast Guard
and, also, the lifeguard.


B.O. B! Who else could fall

from unimaginable heights
and end up without a single scratch?

- Link?
- You.


Good point, Insecto!
Susan, don't short-change yourself!

Oh, I'm not going to
short-change myself ever again!

- Testify!
- Yeah.

Oh, yes.


Way to go, Insecto!

Insecto, look out!

Insectosaurus! No!

You're gonna make it.

It's going to be all right. Look at me.

Don't you close those eyes.
Don't you dare close those eyes.

You can't...

You must be terrified.

You wake up in a strange place,
wearing strange clothes,

imprisoned by a strange being
floating on a strange hovering device.

Strange, isn't it?

Hardly. It's not the first time.

Wow. You really get around.

To the extraction chamber!

Look. What is it that you want from me?

You have stolen what is rightfully mine!

I didn't steal anything from you.

Your enormous, grotesque body
contains Quantonium,

the most powerful substance
in the universe.

Did you really think
you could keep it from me?

That's what this is all about?

You destroyed San Francisco,
you terrified millions of people... killed my friend,
just to get to me?

Your voice is grating on my ear nubs.

It's a shame you won't be around to see
what the power of Quantonium

can do in the tentacles
of someone who knows how to use it!

I know how to use itjust fine!

Don't bother.
That force field is impenetrab...

What the Flagnard?!

That should stop your puny...

Computer, close door, hangar two!

Close door, hangar three!

Door, hangar four!

Close them all!

Computer, begin extraction!

Finally, I can rebuild my
civilisation on a new planet.

Any thoughts on where
I should set up shop?

Your planet, perhaps?

You keep your
slimy tentacles off my planet!

If you wanted to stop me,
you should have done it

when you possessed the Quantonium!

Now you're nothing.

There are innocent people
down there who didn't do anything!

There were innocent people on my
home planet before it was destroyed.

- I'm sorry your planet was destroyed.
- Oh, don't be.

I'm the one who destroyed it. Confused?

After I reveal my tale to you,
everything will become crystal clear.

Computer, initialise cloning machine.

Yes, Gallaxhar.

Many zentons ago,
when I was but a squidling,

I found out my parents were...

No child should ever
have to endure that!

So I went on the road with a giant...

And soon thereafter was married!

Things were going well,
until she wanted to...

And then I was all, "No way!", and she
was all, "Yes, way", and I was like...

But I've told you too much already!

Let the birth of my new planet,
now called...

..."Gallaxhar's Planet" begin!

Once again,
a UFO has landed in America,

the only country UFO's
ever seem to land in.

Excuse me. What's that, Henshaw?


We now take you, live, to a transmission
from the alien spacecraft.

Humans of Earth, I have come in peace.

You need not fear me.
I mean you no harm.

However, it is important to note most of
you will not survive the next 24 hours.

And those who do survive will be
enslaved and experimented on.

You should in no way
take any of this personally.

It's just business. So just to recap:

I come in peace, I mean you no harm
and you all will die. Gallaxhar out.

OK, boys, set the terror level

at code brown
'cause I need to change my pants.

- What're we gonna do now, Doc?
- I...

I don't know.

I'll tell you what we're gonna do.
We're not gonna let Insecto die in vain.

We're gonna get up there, find Susan,
and we're gonna take that alien down!

All right, you got enough juice
in those jetpacks to get up there,

but not enough to make it home.

I'll come get you if I can.
If I don't, it means I'm dead. Or late.

I've been your warden
for close to 50 years.

That's no longer the case.

For what it's worth...

- That's rude. What did we do?
- No, B.O.B., that's not rude.

That's a sign of respect.

General, it's targeting us!

That's the idea, Lieutenant.
Hold your course.



Hard right! Hard right!

I can't shake it!

Hang on to your socks!
We're going for a ride!

That's why I always
wear a parachute, Lieutenant.

You can let go of me now, Lieutenant.

Who are you signalling?
We're right here.

Hey, zip it!


- Hail Gallaxhar!
- No, not all of you. You, there.

How do I do this? Three back.

No, no, no, no. That guy next to you.
The one I'm pointing at!

You! The one...

You, clone! Yes! Good!

Take the prisoner to the incinerator.

She's useless to us now.

- Hail Gallaxhar.
- Hail me.

Wow. Ginormica ain't so...
"ginormic" anymore.

How are we supposed to get to her?

There's too many of them.
It's impossible.

I may not have a brain, gentlemen,
but I have an idea.

This is not going to work.


I... Gallaxhar, command you
to hand over the prisoner this instant.

Clearly, you are defective
beyond repair.

Guards, take this defective clone
to the incinerator!

Well, what are you waiting for?
You and you!

- Seriously?
- Yes! Take the prisoner

and the defective clone
to the incinerator!

- Of course, sir.
- Here's a security pass, just in case.

- Would you like a gun?
- Yes, I would.

Hey, guys, look.


I can't believe you guys
came to save me. Thank you.

Don't mention it.
We monsters got to stick together.

But I'm not a monster anymore.
I'm just me.

My dear, no matter what your size,
you'll always be...

...nothing but a filthy,
carbon-based life form!

Hail Gallaxhar!

Hail Gallaxhar.

These disguises are the bomb!

That's it! Follow me.

- The only way to save the Earth...
- Hail Gallaxhar!

Hail Gallaxhar. The only way...

- Hail Gallaxhar!
- Hail Gallaxhar. save the Earth
is to blow up this ship...

- Hail Gallaxhar!
- Hail Gallaxhar.

...before the invasion starts.
- How are we gonna do this?

We need to find the main power core.

Excuse me, could you direct us
to the main power core?

Gladly. It's right there,
above the extraction chamber.

Thank you very much. Hail Gallaxhar.

- Watch out!
- Look out, brainless!

Give me that thing!

A weapon like this needs to be
in the hands of someone responsible.


Hail Gallaxhar?


- Monsters.
- Monsters?!

Attention, all aliens!
Destroy all monsters!

You want some of this?!


You want to hurt my friends,
you'll have to go through me!

Oh, yeah.


I can't believe we made it!

O... M... G.

Warning: Intruder.

You'll never figure out my colour code.

A hexadecimal colour code system.

This won't be but a moment.

Red, green, blue,
yellow, orange, baby blue,

purple, pink, mauve, gold,
brown, mocha, avocado, adobe gold!

Doc, come on, dance!

Your busted, tired dance moves
are no match for my security protocols.

- We can't hold them off much longer!
- One thing you don't know about me!

My Ph. D... is in...! Dance! Dance!

Security protocol breached.

Ship has been set to self-destruct.

Total annihilation
in T-minus six minutes.

- Well, launch the invasion then!
- Invasion no longer possible.

Oh, space balls!

Divert the Quantonium to the bridge,
and prepare my escape capsule!

Look at that! They're all
running scared! Monsters win!

I don't think
that's why they're running.

Ship will self-destruct
in T-minus five minutes.

Hail Gallaxhar!

We're not gonna make it!

Hang on!

Keep going!

It's no use. It won't budge.

If I was still Ginormica,
I could do this!

Get out of here
while you still got the chance!

No! Don't say that.
I'm not leaving you guys.

Yes, you are.
Rendezvous with Monger.

He's outside the ship, waiting for you.
Go while there's still time.

Ship will self-destruct
in T-minus four minutes.

Don't you worry about us, Susan.

You finally have a chance
to get your old life back.

I don't want my old life back.

They think they've stopped me?!

They've stopped nothing.

Female carbon-based life form,
or Susan, not contained.


Attention, robot probes!
Crush the earthling!

Robot bay has been destroyed.

Fire phasoid cannon!

Are you crazy?!
You could have killed me!

Then we understand each other.

Now, open the doors
and let my friends go.

Or what?

You don't actually think
you're a match for me, do you?

Quantonium has been
successfully diverted to the bridge.

Escape capsule ready for transport.

Like I told you before,
you should have defeated me

when you had the Quantonium.

Have fun exploding!

- Now open the doors.
- Even if I wanted to, I couldn't!

That's what happens
when you set a ship to self-destruct!

Now we're all going to die!

And there's nothing
you can do about it, Susan!

I wouldn't be so sure.

And the name is Ginormica.

Total annihilation
in T-minus one minute.

- It's been an honour knowing you, Doc.
- The feeling's mutual.

I'll see you guys tomorrow for lunch.

That's right, B.O.B.

And there'll be candy
and cake and balloons.

Cake and balloons for lunch?! It's gonna
be the best day ever! I love you guys!

By Hawking's chair!

Total annihilation
in T-minus 30 seconds.

- Where's Monger?!
- He's supposed to be here!

He said the only reason he wouldn't
be here is if he was dead!

Or late!

Insectosaurus?! You're alive!

And you're a... butterfly!





...three... two...
- Come on, come on!

Nothing happened. Maybe my count was...

There they are!

Here they come!


Oh, great.

Oh, boy.

- Susie Q!
- Daddy!

Oh, Susan. Ever since you were a baby,
I knew that someday... would, you know, save the Earth
from an invasion from outer space.

Thank you, but it wasn'tjust me, Mom.

Excuse me! Hello!
Coming through! How are you?

- Susan!
- Derek?

Baby, I thought long and hard
about what happened between us.

And I want you to know...

...I forgive you.

You forgive me?

Of course. It wasn't your fault you got
hit by a meteor and ruined everything.

And you know what?

I say maybe you didn't ruin everything.
I just got a call from New York.

They offered me network.

All I have to do is get
an exclusive interview from you.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I get my dream job
and you get your dream guy.

It's a win-win for Team Dietl.


...that's amazing.

- Is the camera rolling?
- Absolutely.

Good. Because I wouldn't want
your fans to miss this.

This is Susan Murphy, saying,

"Goodbye, Derek!"

B.O.B., could you?

Derek, you are a selfish jerk,
and guess what?

I've met someone else.
She's lime green.

She has 14 little chunks
of pineapple inside her,

and she's everything
I deserve in life!

I'm happy now, Derek, without you!

It's over!

Turn it off.

Monsters, I'm so proud of you,
I could cry,

if I hadn't lost my tear ducts
in the war.

But not crying will have to wait.
The world needs you again.

What is it, General?

Seems a snail fell into
a French nuclear reactor.

As we speak, Escargantua

is slowly making its way to Paris.

Well, I've always wanted to go to Paris.
Now who's with me?

What do you say, Butterfly... osaurus?

We're in.

- I'm in!
- Count me in, too.

Au revoir, sweetie!

- Have a safe flight!
- Yeah, and hang on!

Goodbye, Derek!
Good luck getting over me.

B.O.B., it's me
he's never going to get over.

Wait, wait! You were dating Derek too?!

That two-timing jerk!

Everyone, let's welcome my new chairman
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff,

General W.R. Monger!

Thank you, Mr President. What a
great way to celebrate my 90th birthday.

Very good, Warren. All right.

Let's get it started in here

Gentlemen, I have assembled
a preliminary budget estimate

for the rebuilding of San Francisco.

Zoinkers. This is going
to be a boring one.

Good time for a cup ofjoe.
Warren, how do you take it?

Hit me with a double venti
organic chocolate brownie

caramel Frappuccino, extra hot,
with one inch of foam...

- You got it! Black it is.

Don't do it!


My God, man! What have you done?!

Time to wave the white flag
and head for the bunker.

Let's check on the situation
in 500 years.

Who wants to freeze my head?

Special thanks to SergeiK.