Nights And Weekends Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Nights And Weekends script is here for all you fans of the Greta Gerwig mumblecore movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Nights And Weekends quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Nights And Weekends Script

You wanna just get a
bunch of shit and share it?

Yeah, like, let's eat
on the ground like animals.

O.K., great.

I made both of
your towels wet. Sorry.

That's O.K.


One second.
I'm almost ready.

What's up, my man?

Feels good to have you here.

I know.
It feels good to be here.

You O.K.?


You hungry?

We're gonna get food.


You have sad face still.

What's your sad face about?

That's not happy face.

That's artificial happy face.

I'll be right back.
One second.

So who's your new
lab partner?

Well, they haven't assigned...

...them yet because...

There was, like,
the number of people... the class didn't match up...

...and everybody else was happy
with their lab partners.

But the good thing is...

...number one: she didn't have to know
that I complained about her...

...and number two...

What are you doing?

Number two?

- What are you doing?
- Number two?

Are you taking off my stuff?

Number two?

Number two is that I get... do it all myself...

...which is all I wanted to do
in the beginning anyway.

You're your own lab partner?

- Mm-hmm.
- That's so sad.

No, that's awesome.

No, that's lonely.

No, everybody else
screws up my work.

Can I come be your lab partner?

Absolutely not.

- Really?
- No.

They wouldn't let me
into nursing school?

No, they'd let you in
if you applied and were...

You know, had a...
burning desire.

Button me back up, please.


- No?
- Mm-mm.

Thank you.

What time is it?

Arms up.

You were thwarted
by the inner bra.

Oh, shit.

So that's how these things work?


Yeah, that's what they do.

You girls with your multiple
layers and stitching.

That shirt cost $80, didn't it?

No, not that one, but I do
have a running shirt...

...that cost a lot of money.

It's for special running.

I was... need that.

It's for special snow running.


- Go take a shower.
- I'm sorry.

So that we can start...

- Our day.
- Our day.

Are you gonna make me
breakfast or should we get some?


You're eating already.

I'm about to spoil
my breakfast, but...

Yeah, you are.

I'm hungry.

Um... O.K., well...

I'm gonna take a shower.

Don't spoil your breakfast too
much 'cause I haven't eaten yet...

...and I want to eat with you.


Are you sure you don't
want to take a shower with me?

Hold on.

Hold on what?

Do you wanna take one?

I mean, are you asking
me to take a shower with you...

'cause I want to get clean...

...or because you want to
take a shower with me?

Because it'd be nice taking
a shower together.

Well, then, totally.

I just was saying that I didn't
need a shower.

Don't eat the brown part.


I think that one of the grossest
things in the world... somebody else eating a banana.

It's the way it smells
and it sounds.

And I love you, but it's gross.

Eww! Oh, God!

I just saw it inside your mouth.

You still want to take
a shower with me?

Yeah, I still want to
take a shower with you.

Just get the smell
of banana off you.

I like bananas when / eat-

You're just gargling banana.

Can I please throw this away?

No, don't take it off with a chip.

That's gross.

I don't want
to meet people.

I feel like it's gonna take a
long time and I'm not gonna know...

...what to say to them...

Because they're all video gamers...

And I'm not.

I know, but you're not
some antisocial freak...

...who can't meet people
and say "hi" to strangers.

But I don't really...

These are my...
friends and my people that I work with.

I know.
I want to meet them.

I just don't want to meet them... today.

But when are we...

We're not gonna come back.

I'd rather meet them
in a social situation.

What social-

I don't meet them
in a social situation.

I don't know them outside
of this space.

But you said you might have,
like, um...

A work gathering at some point.

Probably not.

Why not?

Not that you're gonna be at.

Well, I don't know.
I just feel weird.


Well, then let me go... we can get out of here
as soon as possible.

- Go.
- O.K.

Let's roll.

Are you done?

I am done.

That took a while.

I'm just saying...

It didn't seem like you were
just dropping something off.

O.K., I'm sorry.

Well, were you?

Were you just dropping
something off?

I don't know how to answer
that question.

Was I lying to you
or was that all that I did?

My brother called,
so I talked to him for a second.

What did he say?

So that wasn't just
"dropping something off," I guess.

Is that what you're asking, though?

Or are you asking
was I lying to you...

...and I didn't just have
something to drop off?

Don't attack me.
I wasn't the one who lied.

Well, what the fuck's with
the tone and the attitude?

Well, you said
you had to drop something off...

...and then you're in there
for like-

"That took a while. "

Well, it did!
It took 10 minutes.

You said you had to
drop something off.

It's been 10 minutes
since you went in there.

I don't even care.
Let's just go.

It looks like it's...
clearing up.

Well, it doesn't matter.
We're not in any kind of rush...

...because we're not gonna have
dinner with my brother tonight.


Because they have a fucking
baby and because he called...

...and he said that they can't
have dinner tonight... we got moved
to tomorrow night.

I didn't know that.

Don't get upset. I didn't know that.

O.K., but I feel like
you've been fucking pissy...

...about this whole thing.

I'm sorry that I had to
come by here today.

I thought buying you lunch
was like...

I don't care if you
buy me lunch.

I just didn't...

Like, I can't believe you didn't
deal with this yesterday.

That's it.

I came to get you
from the airport.

I couldn't stay late yesterday.

Yeah, or anytime
earlier this week.

I don't wanna fight about it.

Let's just go.

Did you do any other work here?

Are you still fucking
asking this?

I'm not...
O.K., never mind.

It makes me dizzy.

Come do it with me.

I like that.

Just be fun for a second.

Put down the umbrella
and be fun with me.

Well, you put it down,
but you're not being fun with me.

I don't respond
to sarcastic fun!


I don't respond
to sarcastic fun!

It's not funny when it's not
meant with sincerity!

You didn't mean that sincerely!

I don't want to do it if you're
just doing it out of anger-

I only want to do it if you're
actually gonna have fun...

...and right now you're just
fucking making fun of me...

...and I don't think that's funny!

Too hard!

You touched me hard!

That wasn't gentle!

It's 'cause I'm sick of you
fucking crying...

...every time it's not perfect.

I don't cry every time
it's not perfect!

Every time that it's not
perfect, / fix it!

Every time that it's not perfect
and we haven't seen each other...

...for three months, / make sure
that / save my money...

...and buy a ticket and / make
sure that I get my work done... we spend time together.

Every time it's not perfect,
/ fix it!

Once in a while, I cry.

Don't worry.

I won't cry the rest
of the weekend.

Don't worry.
This will never happen again.

You'll never have to see me cry.

Don't worry.
It's not gonna be a problem.

I won't cry.

I'm sorry.


I'm not mad at you.
I'm sorry too.

I just want to go home.
Let's go.

But not like that.

I just want to go home.

I don't care.

I'm not sure
she recognizes us at all yet.

Actually, I kind of, like...

...don't want her to be like the
kind of girl that likes, like...

...a beard guy... You know?

It's, like, kind of weird.

You're training her?

Yeah, she'll be, like,
listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd.

How conscious are you guys...
are you of that at all times?

Of the beard thing?

No, of messing up Little Baby Alice
for the rest of her life.

I'm sure we've
messed up Baby Alice already.

But do you think about it?

I mean, do you
lose sleep at night?

The thing that I worry about
is I think...

...about, um, whether she's getting
smarter all the time.

"Am I doing the right thing?"

"Am I playing
the right music?"

Yeah, absolutely,
all the time.

And, like, I'll put her down to
do something, and I'll be like...

"That's, that's just lame.

I'm just leaving her there... stare at nothing
so that I can... "

And her brain's not growing...

...and she's not gonna
go to Harvard.

It's gonna be my fault.

You think she wants it?

I don't know,
I think she's chilling.

No, she wants it.



Here you go.


I got it.

- Can you fill this up?
- Yeah.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

You O.K.?

O.K., all right.

Should I come and sit?

Yeah, come on over!

Did she get you?


She's not taking to me.

You want to hold her?

Yeah, sure.

Is that O.K.?


You just want to watch that.

You're probably gonna
have to put the pacifier in..., right away.

Here you go.


It's O.K.

It's O.K. That's Mattie.

No, it's O.K.

You O.K.?

She just...
She just gets fussy... the evenings.

Oh, no...

"No... No... "

No? You're not sure?

You're not sure.

That's O.K...

Oh, God.

Don't take it personally.



What is it?
What are you doing?

Does this seem
like something you would want?

A plastic lion?

- Yeah.
- Yeah!


Are you gonna...
acquire one for me?

I'm going to try.

Whoa, thanks.

I've never seen
one of these things.

We will see if the change
from the hats and gloves... enough to cover
the plastic lion.

These are awful.

I'm just gonna start
putting money in.

You have awful taste.

I think it's just gonna start as soon
as I get enough money in there.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Here goes.

This is so much machine
for a plastic lion.

- Are you ready?
- I'm ready.


Good, the lion pressure's at 40.


Go get it.

Is it O.K. to get it?

Yeah, it's O.K. to get it.


And that's how babies
are made.

Whoa... This is awesome.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Have you named him yet?

Um... This lion?


No, what should I name him?

I don't know.

This lion.

Thank you.

Let's begin.

Your session is timed,
but don't worry-'/ have p/enty of time to
get your picture just right.

There are severa/ categories...

...of exciting backgrounds
to choose from.

Oh, my God, there's...

Use the se/ect button... view the background choices.

O.K., choice one:
color or black and white?

- Um, color.
- Color, yeah.

Because we want to see
that the lion is yellow.


We should do
"naughty but nice. "

O.K. Press "O.K."

Now you are ready to pose
for four sittings.

Sit back and position yourse/f
in the picture... pressing the up and down buttons.

Look between the ye/ow arrows
beneath the screen.

Ho/d sti/ and smi/e.

This is so loud.

You got to get him
up in the circle.

Oh, it's not gonna show-

Place your face in the oval.


O.K, three more settings.

You can now pose
for your next sitting.

O.K., so, but...

Oh, God, it's going.

It's happening.

Make an excited face.

I was in high school before
I had ever had a girlfriend...

...and when everybody else was...

...having relationships and
dating people and I had...

...these impossibly high standards.

I never was in any
relationships and I never...

For girls, you had
impossibly high standards?

Well, I think for all people,
but especially for girls.

And... I had all this, like,
these lists of things that...

...were important to me that a girl
would have to meet, you know?

What was the list?

Well, I...

I don't know.

I don't remember all of it,
but one, certainly...

Can you give key examples?

Yeah, that's what
I was gonna tell you... that one of the things on
the list was that she would...

...have to be somebody
who I could...

...leave in a room full
of my friends and..., go off somewhere
and not be afraid...

...that she couldn't handle herself.

And I really like that about you...

...that I never worry...

...that I can always trust
that when I go anywhere... matter who's around...'re gonna be cool
and everybody's gonna like you...

...and you're gonna impress everybody.

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

Good night, baby.

Good night.

I don't want to go tomorrow.

I don't want you to go.

This situation is...

...not sustainable.

We gotta figure out
what we're gonna do...

'cause I don't want to be
in a different city.


That's no plan, though.

We'll make a plan.

You promise?



- Yeah.
- O.K.

I feel like I'm walking
into something.

Step over.

You got all kinds of wires.

We just moved in.

Come on, this way.


And stay put for one second...

...and I'm gonna go close the door
so nobody gets in.

You O.K.?


All right.

Turn to your right...


And keep walking, oh...

Keep walking.

O.K., thanks.


God, um, put down the suitcase.


And... open your eyes.

So I'm usually right there
when I'm talking to you.


So my sister and I were
gonna have dinner tonight.


You wanna come?



- Yeah.
- Sweet.

Of course.

She does know... stuff.

- You told her?
- Yeah.

So... after we talked.



I got you a Christmas present.

You got me
a Christmas present?

- Yeah.
- What'd you get me?

I'm gonna make you guess.

I already have a tree.

You want clues?


O.K., clue number one...


It is something...

...that you can use.

It's functional.

Um, and...

Wait, should you ask
questions and I say yes or no...

...or should I-

- Yeah, I'll ask questions.
- O.K.

Um, is it...

Is it...
Is it biodegradable?


It is?

I'm pretty sure.

My answer is "eventually. "

But isn't everything?

Are there some things
that are eventually not?

It's half quickly biodegradable,
half I-have-no-idea biodegradable.

O.K., um, is it...

Is it romantic?


Is it...

Don't look over here.


I'm buying it because I love you
and because I know that you need it...

...and because it's something
that you're doing...

...and it's two of it and it's...

New running shoes!

You got me running shoes!

Oh, my God, that's awesome!

Oh, thank you so much!

You're welcome.
Do you like 'em?

Yeah, I love 'em.


Oh, these are perfect.
Yeah, I love these colors too.

When you were in Chicago,
I checked your shoe size.

Ah, this is perfect.

Yeah, this guy is not
gonna last.

I know. They're busted.

This is awesome.

- Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.

This is so great.

Where's the other one?

Right here.

Sorry that they're
not wrapped.

They're awesome.
They look so retro and cool.


- I like it.
- Good.

You did good.

You chose well for a guy.

Oh, good.

I mean, for anybody,
but especially for a guy.


I like them a lot.

I couldn't sleep last night... I went shoe shopping.

That's something to do.

I love 'em.

Merry Christmas.

Merry early Christmas.

Sorry I couldn't wait
till christmas.

How are you?

Um... I'm a little...

I'm a little nervous right now.

What about you?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Did you see my
Lapis Lazuli bracelet?

It's for honesty.


Personal honesty with myself.

- You know what?
- What?

It's gonna be good.

Like, whatever happens, it's gonna be good.

Yeah, 'cause I know I'm gonna
look like you in 10 years.

Hell, yeah!



You're a babe.

I feel like...
you got legs for days.

Shut up.

I still wanna get
my hair re-dyed.

You do?
Oh, no, not yet.

Little longer, a little longer.

I really like it.

I wanna go to your place
and go to your woman.

Yeah, Kelly.
She's awesome...

Shit, here they come.

Here they come.

Gotta put the hat back on.

Thank God.

You guys ready to go?

Yeah, but first you have
to get us warm.

You ladies have boyfriends?

We can't move.

I know.

You stiff?

Yeah, in the butt.

- In the butt?
- In the butt.

There were times when
I did feel pretty and I knew...

...but, like...
I derived this weird thing-

I don't know if
I felt it most in college...

I think I felt it most in
college, but, like, um...

...that feeling of, like,
I'm pretty and maybe that will...

...make people talk to me...


But I was, I always had
this feeling of, like...

"you have no fucking idea, like...

...that I'm what you got coming,"

...which sounds really...

...which was really arrogant...

...but I was like-

I don't know-

Like, you may talk to me
because I'm pretty...

...but when you start talking to me...'re gonna get...

I'm gonna be one of the smartest...

...coolest people you've ever met.

I don't know...

That sounds really arrogant,
but, um, I don't know.

I think that I've always had
a mental image of myself...

...that's not necessarily associated
with the way I actually look.

I know what you mean.

Like I forget myself.


I forget my actual face...

...and I think in my head I project
some kind of confident...

...handsome face, and then occasionally
I'll see myself and go...

"Oh, my God.
This is what you look like?

That's pathetic. "

But then I don't need to worry
about it because I have a mental...

...handsome projection that gives me
confidence in the world.

You know?


And it allows me to forget.

I realized once that my mom
and I make... the same face...

...when we're disgusted
by something.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

That's funny 'cause one time
I realized that I make the same face... my dad
when I'm driving and I'm, like...

...concentrating or looking at something.

What's the face?

I... I'm trying to remember
what the face is.

It's like...
I don't know, I don't know.

I just felt myself
do it one time.

And I could just feel
that it was my dad's face.

I didn't have to look at it.

Or it was my impression
of my dad's face.

Do you know that you make
the same face as your mom?

Or do you just feel-

I just feel like
it's the same face.

You feel like you're using
the same muscles and-

I know we do similar things
when we put on makeup too.

What things?

Like similar faces.

If you turned out like your dad,
would you be happy?


I hope all the time that
I'm turning out like my dad.

I think he's a great man.

That's really nice.

I have a totally unrelated question.

Did you say that you loved me
because you thought that...

...that's what I wanted to hear at
the time, or it was exciting?

Or did you feel it?

The first time that I said
"I love you" to you?

No, I felt it.

I waited to say it.

I didn't do this with you...

...but I have said it
because I've been excited.

I would rather alienate
somebody than say...

"I love you" and not mean it.

'Cause I think you gotta be
kind of precious with things like that.

I, unfortunately, have not been
as precious as I should be.

I'm probably guilty of
being overly precious.

Here, I'm gonna fall
and give you my weight.

Wait, no, no, no.
You gotta get ready.

I'm really gonna go dead on you.


No, I want you to,
like, lift me up.

Hold you up?

Yeah, like, I'm gonna
go dead on you...

...and I want you
to be able to hold me.


A very small person can lift
up a very heavy person...

...because they balance them correctly...

And you kind of use that theory
with your own body...

...and then you apply it
to your partner.

It's really...
You know...

I just thought that, like...

...if I don't end up being pregnant
and we don't get together..., you could just be...

I could just be...
in your life, like...

This story of this girl
that you maybe once...

...were gonna have a baby with.

Maybe you wouldn't
even mention that.

Do you ever wonder how, like..., what story you're gonna be
in somebody else's life?

You ever think about that?

You know what I mean?

Like, what's gonna be your
soundbite for the next person?

Hey, baby, it's me.

Um, I'm in Manhattan now, so I
was just calling to let you know...

...that I got here safely and that..., you should call me back now.

Um, call me back within
the next hour if you get this.

Otherwise I'll probably be
doing my interview...

...and if that's the case,
I will just call you back... soon as
I'm done with that.

O.K., um, I love you.

I hope you're doing good
and I'll talk to you soon. Bye.


Uh... hi.


I was wondering if, um...

...part of the appeal of these
games is that, sort of...

...modern life as we know it is so...

...sort of, mundane and dry...

...and we never
really find ourselves... any life-or-death situations, really.

We tend to be driving cars...

...or shopping in malls
or sitting at desks...

...with computers and...

And so that maybe
these games, you know...

...fulfill some kind of...

...intense excitement
or somehow make us feel alive...

...whereas in our
day-to-day existence we never...

Don't really have those
sensations of intensity and... or death.

I don't know if you experience it
in the same way, though.

Like, you know, um...

The intensity of shooting
someone in the game is not...

I mean, you know, I wouldn't
even think that it comes close... what it must be like
to actually shoot a gun.

Like, I've never shot a real gun
in my life, you know?

I've only shot a video game gun.

I'm sorry...
I can get that later.

Um... So...

Yeah, I don't know.
I think that that's part of it...

...but I think that it's...
there's something... more.

What were you writing?
I noticed you were taking notes.

Oh, um, I was-

Are you publishing a secret
interview for some other publication?

No, no, no.

I'm not.
I was just sort of...

...writing little notes about
what you said or...

It's sort of embarrassing. was mostly just, like, me saying...

"Oh, I didn't know all this stuff.
I didn't... "

And it seemed like, all right...

You were writing that down?

Well, I was, like,
I'm finding out things or whatever, but...

Um, do you want to...
You want to go somewhere?

I'm sorry I invited you over...

...and then you just had
to sit in a hotel room.

Oh, no, don't even
worry about it...

Let's go...
Let's go somewhere.

It's probably, like, not best
to just hang out here.

I know it's, um...

It feels like...

- Like a hotel room.
- Like a hotel room.

- Yeah.
- I agree.

All right, um...

...there's a place around here...

Do you want food
or coffee or?...

- That's fine.
- Yeah?

I just want to talk
and say hey and talk to you... wherever's good for that.

O.K., sounds good.

Hey, Mattie. It's James.

Um, hey... I'm almost finished
with what I need to do here..., um, I was calling to...

'cause you said that maybe... would have some time tonight
to hang out or something.

So what I have to do is go
to that photo shoot later...

...and I don't know
what your plan is...

...but it's sort of over in your
neighborhood, so I was thinking...

...that maybe I could come
over to your place first...

...and we can
hang out a little bit.

And then also I was gonna say
you're welcome to come... the photo shoot with me
because I was thinking that might be...

...something that would be fun
or funny or something to do.

So anyway, call me back.

I'm about to go back in...

I have one more thing
that I have to do here... if I don't pick up,
I'll just call back.

But leave a message and let me know...

...what you think so I can,
um, plan that out a little bit.

O.K., I hope you're doing good
and I'll talk to you soon. Bye.

Yeah, um...

So nobody's home and...

What are you trying to say?

Nothing, I'm just sort of
analyzing the space... see if there's anything embarrassing,
right off the bat.

You had all day
to figure that out.

I know, but I just...
It's pressure now.

Do you want me to lock this?

No. That's good.
I think we're good.

O.K. I don't see any-

This room looks
different to me.

Have you lost roommates?

No, no, she's still there.

I just...

Oh, don't close the computer.

No, it's O.K.

I want to read something.

No, there's nothing-

Have you been
working all day?

Yes, I have, but there's nothing-

Come on.

No, uh...
Please, please don't.

- Really?
- Yeah.


Uh, I don't like people
to read stuff.

I don't...

Sorry, I'm, like,
kind of out of it.

I've been alone, writing, so...

You want to come with me
to this photo shoot?

Yeah, totally.

I look kind of like a...

...member of a...
'80s band.

I want to do it
like rockabilly or something.


Hold on.
All the electricity might blow.

Let me see.

Well, this is the shirt.


All right, we're getting there.

I have jeans.

Do you have dark jeans
like this?


I'm sorry. I really wish
I could show it to you...

...but I just can't...

'cause then I'd never be able to
see you the rest of the weekend.

You couldn't make
eye contact with me...

...if you knew that I had
read that stuff?

It's hard enough as it is.

What does that mean?

- Nothing.
- Why'd you say that then?


Anyway, um, actually, uh...

Do you want to think about
getting out of here soon?


No, um, I actually was
hoping that, um...

I don't know if this is,
like, weird, and I...

On the subject of writing
and like, you know... you've read my reviews
and all that?

And that's fine,
I'm fine with you reading that.

But, like, the poetry,
the short stories...

Anyway, um...
This is...

I don't...

I'm trying to say something...


I'm listening.

O.K., um, so this is, like...

Uh... I...

I don't know what, um, like...

I don't know what my next, um...

...gig is in that...
in the review section...

...and I was wondering if...

I just thought of it...

'cause, you know, we're gonna go... the photo shoot for the thing... I was just, like...

...thinking that if,
if you could...

Uh... If I... If you wouldn't
mind if I could have, like, um... the, the telephone number
or, like, e-mail or whatever..., of that,
of that reporter yesterday...

...because I'm doing
that kind of stuff...

...and that would be really great.

Is that weird?

That's what you just got
all worked up about?

You ready to go?

Yeah, totally.

Let's do it.

You look good.
You're ready.

Thanks, you look good too.

Thank you, I look just like you.

That's what I mean.


Just give me one second... do this real quick.

If you just go
in that other room...

I'll just meet you out there.

Do you mind just
closing the door for a second?

I'm just gonna...

I'm just gonna, like, adjust myself,
and put on a...

Actually I'm not
wearing a bra, but...

Does it matter which one?

No, I have one
in the camera now... just keep that on you
in case I run out.

What do I do?

Do I smile or do I be serious?

Right now, you can do
whatever the hell you want...

...and then when I've
got the lighting right...

...then I'll direct you.

Can you slide the chair,
like, behind me?

I like the way that you're
directing him.

- Really?
- And so do it...

God, well...

Career opportunities
cropping up all the time.

Not this way. Right here.

O.K., O.K.

I like that one.

Ooh, that's good.

Oh, that's nice.
I like that.

I think it's very you.


Try to look like you're...
Look at your girlfriend.

- What's that?
- Look at your girlfriend.


Try not to look so goofy.
Bring your chin up a little.

Come on, help me.

Why don't you look like...

Help me look dignified.

Why don't you just look
like you just got caught.

Go like this.

Like, try...

No, and then you're scared... that you're trying
not to make an expression.

Bring your face this way.

I feel like they're only
gonna write nice things...

...about you because I feel like that
would be really mean to say...

"Oh, we're gonna have...
a photo shoot. "

It would be like tricking you.

It would be like,
"We just want to take a picture-

So people can see
what you look like...

...when we write
bad things about you. "

I don't think
they ever do that.

- I don't think they would.
- No.

It doesn't mean
they'll say good things.

Yeah, I agree.
I don't think I'm being tricked.

Are you in on this?

All I do is take pictures.

I get hired to show up
and take the pictures.

Actually, I would really like to see... of the two
of you guys together.

- Really?
- I think it would be fun.

This wasn't my idea.

I mean, they couldn't
use it for The Times...

Get in here.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

We gotta put these matching
outfits to good use.

Oh, that's cute.

I didn't realize
you guys were matching.

I feel weird.

I didn't do anything
to deserve this.

I didn't make a video game.

But these are just pictures
for the two of you guys.

These are for us. Shut up.

You guys look like
a really cute couple.

Yeah, we're a
really cute couple.

- Stop ruining it.
- Couple of what?

All right.

Oh, that's cute.

Maybe you put your hands
also in her back pockets.

In each other's back pockets.

We're just doing...

I look like I'm stealing
something from you.

It looks like you're
grabbing some booty.

It's cute.

O.K., be serious, both of you.


I might've been too serious.

Can I try one more?

Oh! It looks like you guys
are gonna kiss.

You guys should kiss.

I don'wanna, I don'wanna...

We'll do one more serious.


You were laughing.

I like that. You're looking
up at him adoringly.

You were looking up
at me adoringly?

No, she's a liar.

You direct... totally.

Can we go back to, like...

...the one where I said
you guys should be kissing?

It'll be cute.

- O.K.
- No?

And what do you mean by that?

Face each other and kiss.

You mean we should be
kissing and cute?

All right.


You just gotta put your hands
somewhere else... maybe put your hands
around his shoulders.

Like this?



You guys have swapped a lot
more cooties than that, I bet.

- That's a good one.
- That's a good one?


Hiding in shame.

- Do it with me.
- O.K.

It would be like...
Get in the back.

It would be like this.


And, like, there'd be
a boy in front of me...

...and then a girl in front of him.

And it would be like,
"Let me see you tootsie roll!"

- "To the left, to the left... "
- That's so obscene.

And everybody would be
doing it, and there would be...

30 kids humping each other.

And it's called
a "freak train?"

It's called a freak train.

I can't ever remember doing that.

I was more like slow-dancey...

...and it was more like arms
on waist and then maybe...

Not butt, you know, but, like,
maybe move in for, like-

- Yeah.
- That kind of thing.

- No, I didn't do that.
- No?

I did do a freak train once.

I do remember once...

I don't know why we're talking
about this, but I do remember once...

I wanted to dance with this guy -

...this guy, Matteo Shoro.

And it was in...
Did I tell you this story?


I can't remember what stories...

And we were doing... freak dancing...

...but just the two of us and he...

We were, like,
our rhythms were off.

Like, I was swinging this way
and he was swinging the other way... our knees kept knocking.

It was like,
boom, boom, boom.

It was just all wrong.

And then, um...
And then...


I don't know.

You don't know how
that story ends?


I guess the end of that story... that I still feel embarrassed
when I think about it.

We danced a whole song
with the rhythm off.

Anyway, um...

I should go wash my face
or something.

My eyes were closed and all
I felt was, like, like, hair.

Sensation on your forehead.

And I was, like,
it's a monkey.

It's attacking.

What's that move?

- What are you doing?
- Guess who I am?

You're a tree kangaroo...

A baby one.

I know. They're so cute.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Um... I should...


I'm gonna go-

Wash your face?

Wash my face.
And, um...


What are you doing?
What are you doing?



Oh, God, I thought...

I thought this would be really
funny if I wore this robe...

...and it's not funny and, uh,
it's not funny.

I just thought, wow, it's so
weird hotels have robes and...

Do, do-do...

Where are you going?

I'm gonna go back.
I'm gonna change.

Wait, no, no, no.
Come here, come here.

- No, no, I'm wearing a robe.
- Hey, come here.

Still wearing a weird robe.

What is going on?

Put your hand in your pocket.

Put your hand in your pocket,
in your robe pocket.

O.K., that just made it funny.

Let's do it all again.


No, no, no.

- Shut up.
- Watch, watch, watch, O.K.?


That's what
I'm talking about.

That's comedy, yeah.

I still feel a little
weird about this.

You can feel weird,
but you better sit down here...

...and eat some pizza with me
because I'm feeling hungry.

Yeah, I'll put my-

Drop 'em.

Oh, man, I would offer to
also put on the other robe...

...but I don't think I want to.

Oh... I don't blame you.

I feel like a fucking idiot.

Well, look, I'm gonna
leave you here to feel... an idiot and you should
start eating pizza...

'cause I have
to go make a phone call... I'll be right back and you
can, uh, start without me, O.K.?

Here's the remote
if you wanna watch TV.

Maybe you can turn it
to the Robe Channel...

...and there might be
some interesting programming on.

- Ohh.
- Ohh.

O.K., enjoy yourself.

I hope you're comfortable.

I will be right back.

I will be feeling
like an idiot... all ways.

- That's nice.
- Were you scared?

Oh, that's nice.

Were you scared today,
of taking pictures?


Was it scary?

- That one is nice.
- It wasn't that scary.

It was fun.

That's funny.

You have your hands
on my butt.

Yeah, I do.

Now I have my hands
on your butt.

I still have my hands on your butt.

It's funny that she posed us like that...

...thinking we were
boyfriend and girlfriend...

...because we, we would never
even pose like that anyway.

Never do that, like,
never, ever.

It's really weird, right?

- Why did we get all serious?
- I don't know.

That's cute.

She kept saying you
were looking at me longingly.

You remember
she kept saying that?

That's not even true.


Your hands are
really cool there.

Yeah, they're so much closer.

This one's lit
and that one's not lit.

How weird.

Oh, man, how weird.

I'm really squishing your nose.
Look at that.

I know, it's so funny.


How weird that
these pictures exist.

I know, totally.

They're like, they're like
present us, only, like...

...acting out past us, right?

They're, like, out of time.

They're weird.

That one's really good.

It's good.

It's, like, less jokey.




Hold on, hold on.

Hold on, baby.

Come here.

Come here, baby.

Lift your head up.

I just wanna feel you.



I want you to feel me.

You wanna fuck me?

- What?
- Do you want to fuck me?

I like kissing you, baby.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, you feel good.

Can I fuck you?

Yeah... You wanna fuck me?

I wanna fuck you.

Of course you can fuck me.


Do you want to be
on top of me?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

O.K., baby.

Do you want me to be on top?

- Sure.
- Yeah?


I'm gonna take this off, O.K.?


Let me take
this off too, O.K.?

Yeah, yeah.

Hold on.

Oh, yeah, that's good.

That's good, that's good...

Oh, yeah...


Oh, yeah...


Yeah, I don't know, it's...

Look, hey...

Can you...

Do you think
you can get me wet?

Yeah, what do you
want me to do?

Like, lick me.

- Do you think that's...
- Yeah.

Why don't you bring yourself up here?


Slide yourself up here.

No. I don't...

What do you want me to do?

I don't like that.

You know that I don't like that.

Why don't you...

Why don't you come...

- Just lay down with me?
- Let me just try it again...

Hey, come here.

Where do you want me to go?

I want you to come
lay down here.

We don't have to have
sex right now.

We can just lay down and-

Lay down and what?

And relax...

And we can have sex later.


We're gonna relax
and have sex later?

What are you doing?

I'm trying to hold you.

I gotta go.


You gotta go.

I gotta go.

It's gonna be O.K.


I gotta go.

Come here.

Special thanks to SergeiK.