Norbit Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Norbit script is here for all you fans of the Eddie Murphy movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Norbit quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Norbit Script

  
  
Everyone has their path in life,

  
and this is more or less
where mine started.

  
My name is Norbit Albert Rice,
and I was an orphan.

  
I like to think my parents
loved me very much,

  
but just didn't have the means
to properly care for me.

  
I can see them researching
all of the orphanages in the area,

  
agonizing over their choices,

  
trying to make sure
their precious little boy

  
was raised in the perfect environment.

  
Ling Ling! Someone left another one!

  
Coyotes, go! Get! Back! Back, coyotes!

  
Get out here! You not eat another baby.

  
Oh, crap. Another black one.

  
Can't give these away.

  
You ugly black one, too.
You be here long time.

  
Nobody ever come and say,
"Give me the ugly, black one."

  
You very ugly baby.
The ugliest baby I ever seen.

  
A lot of people think
that orphanages are cold and scary,

  
but the Golden Wonton
was a great place to grow up.

  
We had everything
normaI children had. Pets...

  
Here. Play with that.

  
...a big backyard,
and lots of kids to play with.

  
Ling Ling!
The children got in MSG barrel.

  
Now all their hair gonna fall out again.

  
You stupid orphan!
Nobody want a bald orphan!

  
Norbit, how you find family with no hair?

  
Nobody want a bald Norbit!

  
What the hell wrong
with the children here?

  
Mr. Wong was a very interesting man.

  
ln addition to his love for children
and preparation of fine Asian cuisine,

  
he had a real passion
for old-time whallng.

  
It's a whale, ho!

  
Die, you son-of-a!

  
Bingo! Right in the blow hole!

  
Norbit, where you go?
Why you run off like little bitch?

  
After Marvin Browning got lost
downtown for a couple of weeks,

  
the orphanage started using
a buddy system.

  
Go, Norbit!

  
My buddy was little Kate.

  
Go, Norbit! Go, Norbit!

  
That's okay. You're doing good.

  
Kate and I were always together.
Playing checkers...

  
-Oh, man.
-Yes!

  
...watching scary movies.

  
Why, we even pooped together.

  
And then one day, Kate and I decided
that we should tie the knot.

  
We got married
under the great big oak tree.

  
I now pronounce you my wife.

  
And I pronounce you my husband.

  
It's watermelon.

  
Yours is green apple.

  
I think it's time for us to kiss now.

  
And we lived happily ever after

  
for about two weeks
untiI she got adopted.

  
Bye, Norbit.

  
I didn't do too much bike riding
after that.

  
When Kate left, there was an
odd number of kids at the orphanage,

  
so I was buddyless for a while.

  
And sometimes I'd get a little sad,

  
but I never lost hope.

  
I knew that someday I'd find
another somebody to share my life with.

  
all I had to do was just be patient.

  
-What'd you do that for?
-Because we feIt like it.

  
-What are you gonna do about it?
-What are you gonna do about it?

  
Loser.

  
Stop it.

  
Leave him alone.

  
-Says who?
-Says who?

  
-Who are you?
-Rasputia. What's your name?

  
-Norbit.
-Norbit? That's a stupid name.

  
-Why'd you beat those boys up?
-To protect you.

  
-You got a girlfriend, Nesbit?
-Norbit.

  
No.

  
Well, you do now.
Get your ass up and hold my hand.

  
-Okay.
-How you doing?

  
Everything changed
once I had Rasputia as my girlfriend.

  
We took care of each other,

  
and the other kids
started to respect me.

  
I'll take...

  
-Norbit.
-Come on.

  
And because of Rasputia,
for the first time in my life,

  
I had a real family.

  
Rasputia had three brothers.

  
Big Black Jack. He was the oldest.

  
Leg.

  
Then, there was Blue.

  
Breasts.

  
And Earl. He was the baby.

  
Wing.

  
They sure loved their little sister,

  
and so they treated me
like one of their own.

  
Here you go, Norbit.
Saved the best piece for you.

  
-What's that?
-Turkey ass. Eat up, sucker.

  
Bon appetitty.

  
Bon appetitty.

  
The Latimores had a reputation

  
for being the meanest,
nastiest people in town,

  
but that's just because
folks didn't know them.

  
They were actually
very nice, hard-working people.

  
They ran
the local construction company,

  
and recently, responding to the needs
of the community...

  
Yo, Morris.

  
...had opened a little security business.

  
It was a surprisingly popular service
among the local vendors.

  
Hey, you don't shake me down.
I'm Italian. I shake you down.

  
-Is that right?
-Yes.

  
Get his ass in here.

  
I'm in.

  
As time passed,
Rasputia and I got closer and closer,

  
in high school and as adults.

  
I started working as a bookkeeper
in her family's business.

  
I'm expecting
some important calIs today, Norbit,

  
so when you answer the phone,
try and sound white.

  
so when you answer the phone,
try and sound white.

  
It was like everything was
finally coming together.

  
Yes.

  
Of course,
it was only naturaI that Rasputia and l

  
would take the next step
in our relationship.

  
I now pronounce you man and wife.

  
You may kiss the bride.

  
Open your mouth.

  
Go, Rasputia!

  
It was a storybook wedding,

  
the beginning of a brand-new chapter.

  
I knew I would never be lonely again.
I had found my place in the world.

  
Poor Norbit. Man.

  
Back when I was in the game,
I used to tell my hos,

  
"Hos, ain't no man gonna pay for
the cow if he can get the milk for free."

  
You ain't got to worry
about this brother buying the milk,

  
'cause he just bought
the whole damn cow.

  
That's a speciaI cow, too.

  
That must be
where buttermilk come from.

  
Sing that shit, girl.

  
Them are not dimples.
Them are potholes in her ass.

  
Look like an Escalade
in a wedding dress.

  
It a horror show.

  
Norbit. What a woman you got.

  
-Hi, fellows.
-We're all jealous, right, boys?

  
-Oh, yeah. Way jealous.
-Wish I had one like that.

  
Norbit, let me talk to you for a second.

  
Look, just so we clear.

  
lf you ever hurt my sister in any way,

  
make her cry,
even make her sad one time,

  
I'm coming at you
with razor blades and lemon juice.

  
-You hear me?
-Yes.

  
I'm talking pain, boy.

  
Searing, mind-numbing pain.

  
I understand.

  
-You understand me?
-Yes, yes, yes.

  
all right.

  
-Welcome to the family.
-Thank you.

  
Somebody is take
a big hunk out of my cake!

  
What y'all looking at?
I ain't had no cake.

  
You better mind your damn business.

  
Hey, hey! Everyone!

  
I am Mr. Wong.
I am best man in wedding.

  
I feel it my place to say something,
make a toast to bride and groom,

  
tell story about Norbit.
I like Norbit father.

  
I raise Norbit. He like my own child.

  
And I want to say that
I very, very confused, Norbit,

  
that you... You marry Latimore.

  
I don't understand it, because
when you was a little boy, you say,

  
"One day I find the girI of my dreams."
And then you marry a gorilla.

  
I joke, I joke, I joke.

  
Why you not know joke
when you hear joke?

  
Why you wanna make fight at wedding?

  
CooI off, before I have to
bust somebody ass in here. Okay.

  
When Norbit just little boy,

  
he like to always
run all over place naked. Always naked.

  
And Norbit, when he was just little boy,
had a pee-pee the size of an egg roll.

  
-You know, Norbit.
-That's true.

  
And one day, down by creek,
Norbit run around naked

  
and poisonous snake jump up
and bite Norbit right on ass.

  
Very close to hole.

  
Norbit pass out. I think Norbit is dead.

  
I go to check the boy puIse.
He still allve. He still allve!

  
"Okay," I say,
"I must do something to save child."

  
So, I start to think,

  
"Do I suck poison out of Norbit's ass
or do I let him die?"

  
I do the most responsible thing.

  
I say, "Hell to the no!

  
"Norbit is out of here,

  
"because it is long time in hell

  
"before Wong suck poison
out of another man's ass."

  
But strange, mystical thing
happen, Norbit.

  
Even though poison is in Norbit,
he not die.

  
Norbit get stronger and stronger.

  
That why I know, Norbit,
deep down inside, you very, very strong.

  
You strong like warrior.

  
That's why I say to you, Norbit,
you can survive anything.

  
Even...

  
So I say to everyone here, and to Norbit,

  
I wish you much happiness and peace
and love,

  
and lots of bananas for your new gorilla.

  
I only kidding. To Norbit and Rasputia.

  
Norbit, you know
what would be so romantic?

  
lf you'd carry me over the threshold
like a little chocolate drop.

  
Be delicate, now.

  
Put your back into it.

  
Come on, now. Be a man.
You ain't no man.

  
Pathetic.

  
Rasputia, I know we're both nervous
because we've never done this before,

  
but we can take our time, darling.
ln sweet time.

  
Rasputia was so fulI of love.

  
Merry Christmas!

  
Ho, ho, ho!

  
It was a love that sustained us
through the years.

  
HaIt!

  
187. Officer down.

  
And it's still going strong.

  
Happy Presidents' Day!

  
God bless America.

  
And so, we began our life together,
like any other happily married couple.

  
Morning, Rasputia.

  
"Morning, Rasputia," my ass.

  
I tell you what. You better do something
about that goddamn dog,

  
because I ain't gonna be
getting terrorized

  
by no dog on my own property.

  
I'm sick of it! I'm gonna go out
and purchase me a pellet rifle!

  
And then I'm gonna give him
something to bark about

  
when I start popping pellets
in his little bug-eyed bastard's ass.

  
Messing around with you,
now I'm gonna be late for dance class.

  
God damn it, Norbit.

  
How many times I got to tell you, when
you drive my car, don't adjust my seat!

  
-I haven't touched your seat.
-Then why is it up so damn far?

  
It looks like it's back
as far as it goes, Rasputia.

  
No, you moved it. I can tell, 'cause look,

  
when I inhale,
my titty make the horn honk. Listen.

  
You see that?

  
-That ain't right.
-I hear it.

  
That scientifically prove
that you was adjusting my seat.

  
-That's not science.
-It is. Now just let it go.

  
-It's not science.
-I said let it go.

  
-I'm just...
-I said it was science, God damn it.

  
Why you think I want to sell
Golden Wonton Restaurant?

  
I got a good business.

  
It practically run itself.
I make a lot of money here.

  
Every man got a price.
We think this might be yours.

  
And here is my counteroffer.

  
-Excuse me.
-all right, it's go time.

  
I not like rest of town people.
I not intimidated by Latimore.

  
-You wrong, Wong. Relax, man.
-Be cooI with that thing, Mr. Wong.

  
Ling Ling, get my pistol!

  
That dude is crazy.
Let's get the hell out of here!

  
I never sell to Latimore! Ever! Ever!

  
all right! Y'all ready, class?
Are y'all ready?

  
We gonna perforate!
We gonna penetrate!

  
We gonna percolate!

  
We gonna palpitate!

  
all because we wanna master the bate,
the art of power-tap the fat.

  
Come on, and power-tap the fat.
Take that, power-tap the fat.

  
Hey, you get your skinny ass
out of my way.

  
One, two, three, four.
I stepped in poo, better wipe it off.

  
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.

  
I stepped in poo, better wipe it off.
One, two, three, four.

  
Ride the horse. Ride the horse!

  
Keep bucking, y'all!
Keep bucking! And slide!

  
Click clackety clack! Come on, slide!
Click clackety clack! Just slide!

  
Here come the cops.
Here come the cops.

  
They take me to jail.
They take me to jail.

  
Riverdance. Come on, white people.
Riverdance. Come on, white people.

  
Riverdance. Come on.

  
Now, pump, pump, pump, pump,
pump me up.

  
Pump, pump, pump, pump,
pump me down.

  
And one, two, three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve.

  
And stretch it out.
Work your whole bicuspids area,

  
your whole bilaterals and bisexuals.
Very good.

  
Excuse me, Buster?

  
I think I need
a little adjustment over here.

  
Look at you,
looking like the Great Pumpkin, girl.

  
Trick or treat. What's going on?

  
Well, see, I was born with a trick hip
and it made me real bendy.

  
See, I'm just like licorice. Look.

  
Goddamn, girl,
that look like the harvest moon.

  
-Turn a brother to a werewolf.
-You just need to stop.

  
You know what?
Do you do any private lessons?

  
I could do private lessons
if you could do me a little favor.

  
What's that?

  
Just need you talk to your little brothers
about funding my little video tape.

  
I'm trying to make power-tap
more international.

  
I'm trying to be like Billy Blanks,

  
but double the money
and half the Blank.

  
That's a good idea.

  
Maybe I will, maybe I will.
But, first, I got to get that private lesson.

  
Okay. Call me, girl.

  
-I'll call you.
-I'll be your private dancer.

  
-Must be Saturday.
-Why is that?

  
Because here come Norbit,
right on schedule.

  
Almost set your watch to him.

  
Hey, Pope Sweet Jesus
and Lord Have Mercy.

  
How you guys doing, fellows?

  
Business is good.

  
Business is good.
It's almost like the good old days.

  
Yes, indeedy.

  
What do you mean,
"the good old days"?

  
The good old days, man,
back when we was pimping, Norbit.

  
You know.

  
-You guys used to pimp?
-"Used to"?

  
That's a violation. still pimping.
Once a pimp, always a pimp.

  
-Always. Forever.
-Boss player.

  
Rasputia sent me down here
to get the usual.

  
You guys are open, right?

  
We always open.
Go on and take yourself in there, Norbit.

  
We'll stack that up for you.

  
-Moniqua!
-Yes, Daddy.

  
Can you get King Kong
three large buckets, extra sauce?

  
-Please don't trim the fat.
-Yes, Daddy.

  
Please don't trim that fat.
She wilI kilI me.

  
Norbit, while I got your attention,

  
can I interest you in some new shoes,
maybe a haircut?

  
How about a bath or a sink?

  
Hey, don't tell me
you guys bought the bath store, too?

  
It's a perfect fit, man.
We used to sell bitches to johns.

  
Now we selling johns to bitches.

  
-Beds, bitches, and beyond!
-Sound like money to me.

  
No, thanks, guys.

  
I got to go do a puppet show
for the kids at the orphanage.

  
At the orphanage?

  
That's a nice thing you do
for them little kids over there.

  
Why don't you take
these little tater puffs

  
over there to them little children?

  
Oh, that's great, guys. That's sweet.

  
Wait, my puppets! I forgot my puppets!

  
I got to go. I got to go, guys.

  
-Where's his puppets?
-He ain't got no puppets.

  
What's Rasputia doing home so early?

  
'Sputia?

  
Oh, yeah, girl.

  
Come on, girl, that's sweet chocolate!

  
Okay, you in trouble, now.
You in trouble. You in trouble, now.

  
I'm Willy Wonka.
Get up on that Oompa Loompa.

  
That's sweet. Oh, yeah.
Take all that, girl.

  
Take it with your big old self, girl.
You ain't never had it like this.

  
You ain't never had it like this!

  
Hell, yeah.
Come on, we gonna do pig in a blanket.

  
Come on, pig in a blanket.

  
-Now squeal. Squeal! Squeal!
-Oink, oink, oink!

  
Take it from the back.

  
Damn, I feel like Willy Wonka,
all this sweet chocolate up in this...

  
Hey. How you doing, man?
What's good with you, brother?

  
How's it going, man? How you doing?

  
I'm Bust-a-move Perkin.
How you doing?

  
Man, your wife was
just talking about you.

  
Man, she love you.

  
-You're Rasputia's tap dance teacher.
-Man, actually, I'm her power-tap guru.

  
I was just here
giving her a little tap lesson.

  
But you're naked.

  
That's just so she could see
the various muscle groups

  
as I go through the various routines.

  
You see that there?
You can't see that with a turtleneck.

  
And you have an...

  
Oh, man,
I'm just real passionate about dance.

  
You can say the word "dance"
and he just jump up. Dance!

  
See that? See that there?

  
'Sputia?

  
Norbit, Buster's a guest in our home.

  
How dare you insinuate
something like that?

  
Yeah, Orbit!

  
How dare you insinuate
something such like that!

  
You know, I am actually offended
by your accusization, you understand?

  
And rather than sit here and have
a belligerent confrontation with you,

  
'cause I am a God-fearing man,

  
I'm'a do like Jesus H. Christ
would do in a situation such as such

  
and I'm gonna turn the other cheek.

  
Amen.

  
You happy now?

  
Rasputia, you cheated on me!

  
Look, I told your ass
ain't nothing happened,

  
and the next time you say
it happened again,

  
I'm gonna knock your teeth
out your mouth.

  
Rasputia, we took vows.
I'm your husband.

  
Rasputia, we took vows,
and you cheated on me!

  
It never happened!

  
Yes, it did!

  
And that makes you
the queen of whores!

  
Hey, Norbit!

  
Run for your lives!

  
Bastard! Come here!

  
Oh, sweet Moses! Oh, my God!

  
Come here! Come here!
Come here to me!

  
No! Leave me alone!

  
You ain't nothing
but a goddamn coward!

  
Saddle tramp!

  
That's what your stupid black ass get!

  
I hope you broke your ass!

  
Since you feel like running, Norbit,

  
why don't you run your ass
down to the Rib Shak

  
and get me a short stack of ribs?

  
and get me a short stack of ribs?

  
Extra hot sauce.

  
all this setting you straight
done got me famished.

  
I'm Little Red Riding Goose,

  
walking through the forest,
minding my own business,

  
when all at once...

  
Hello.

  
-Who are you?
-I'm the big, bad pig of the forest.

  
My, what big eyes you have, Pig.

  
The better to see you with, Goose.

  
And my, what a big nose you have, Pig.

  
The better to smelI them scrumptious
goodies you got in your basket.

  
Hey, let me take a look in there.

  
Oh, no, you don't.
You're gonna try to steaI my food.

  
No, I won't steaI your food.

  
Don't let that pig
push you around, Goose.

  
Yeah, I'm tired of
you pushing me around.

  
Look, I'm tired of
playing with your ass, bitch.

  
I know you got ribs in that basket.

  
You better give them up smooth

  
or I'm gonna break my hoof off
in your goose ass.

  
Oh, really? Well, why don't you get up
off of your lazy behind

  
and go down to the Rib Shak
and get your own ribs?

  
Or better still,
why don't you just call Buster

  
and tell him to come over
and power-tap you,

  
because in addition to being
the pig of the forest,

  
you're aIso a saddle tramp,
whore, bitch pig...

  
Norbit! What you doing?
This supposed to be a children's show.

  
This remind me
of Chinese snuff film I once co-star in.

  
I'm sorry. I got a little carried away.

  
Wow, Norbit,
that was some puppet show.

  
Oh, come on. You don't remember me?

  
-Kate. Kate.
-Come here!

  
Kate! Kate! Oh, God!
I can't believe it! Kate!

  
Well, can I have a hug?

  
Norbit.

  
It just like old times.

  
Maybe you two go take poop together.

  
This place has not changed at all.

  
Oh, yeah. Some of this furniture's
even come back in style.

  
So, how long are
you gonna be visiting for?

  
No, I'm not visiting. I'm moving back.

  
Really? Wow.

  
I sold my clothing business in Atlanta,

  
and I'm going to use the money
to buy the orphanage.

  
What?

  
Mr. Wong's getting older.
He wants to go whallng, so...

  
You know, it's always been my dream
to come back here and take over.

  
That's great.

  
Norbit, look.

  
That's the tree we got married under.

  
You know, I've still got my ring.

  
I ate mine.

  
I missed you so much when you left.

  
I missed you, too.

  
That's my car.

  
We didn't really get a chance
to catch up much.

  
I'll be back in town on Tuesday.
You wanna have lunch?

  
Yeah, I would love to
have lunch on Tuesday.

  
-I love lunch.
-Okay.

  
Lunch, yes. For sure.
I love lunch. Tuesday.

  
I'll see you Tuesday.

  
I'll see you on Tuesday.
We'll have lunch on Tuesday.

  
Tuesday.

  
Tuesday. Tuesday.

  
Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday,
Tuesday.

  
Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday,
Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday...

  
Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday,
Tuesday, Tuesday...

  
Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday.

  
Tuesday, Tuesday...

  
Say "Tuesday" again
and you ain't gonna see Wednesday!

  
I got it. I'll get it. Tuesday.

  
Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday.

  
-Buster. How you doing? You look great.
-Hey.

  
-Oh, thank you, man.
-Good to see you. Good to see you.

  
Thank you.
I thought you were gonna be at work.

  
Yeah, I'm on my way out now.

  
But hey, look,
there's cold beer in the refrigerator

  
and there's fresh sheets on the bed.
Go have a great dance lesson.

  
-all right.
-all right.

  
Power-tap.

  
Very good, very good.

  
Tuesday.

  
What's wrong with your boy?
He real cooI all of a sudden.

  
Yeah, I don't know what the hell got
into him, but I know I got dance fever.

  
Ready for a little power-tap, huh?

  
Lord, give me strength.

  
Hey, Sam, happy Tuesday.

  
Norbit.

  
Norbit.

  
-Hey, Kate. Hi.
-Come on, I got us a table.

  
Great. I've been looking forward to this
all week.

  
Good.

  
Hey.

  
Hey. Who's he?

  
Norbit, this is my fiancÚ, Deion Hughes.

  
How you doing, my man?
Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.

  
-This is your fiancÚ?
-Yes, sir.

  
I was just telling Deion that you and l
were buddy partners at the orphanage.

  
Now she and I are buddy partners.

  
Shame on you, man,
letting a girI go like this. I feel for you.

  
And so Deion's got all this experience
in real estate,

  
so he's going to help me buy
the orphanage, Norbit. It's so exciting!

  
No, wait, wait. No, no.
Slow down, slow down.

  
I mean, you know,
we're just out here just scouting it out.

  
all right? This is her nest egg,
you know.

  
I don't want her
making any hasty decisions

  
that she might regret later, you know?

  
She worked too hard for this money,
man, you know what I mean?

  
Deion, you take
such good care of me, baby.

  
It's my job. Stop it.

  
Okay?

  
Don't you just love Tuesdays?

  
Lloyd, just tell me why it has to hurt
so GD much.

  
What's the matter, boy?

  
You sensing an earthquake
or some other sort of naturaI disaster?

  
That's just my...

  
My wife.

  
A man needs his own space.

  
Finally! For the love of Cain.

  
Moses!

  
I'll see you suckers
tomorrow at the picnic!

  
Damn it, Norbit!
How many times I got to tell you,

  
don't be messing with my car seat!

  
Nobody touched your old, stupid seat.

  
Then how come
it's all mushed up like this, then?

  
Well, you know, Rasputia,
you've been eating so much lately

  
there's a very strong possibility that...
The car is shrinking.

  
Might be shrinking.
The car is being smaller.

  
Yeah, you might be right. Been raining
a lot lately. all this moist weather.

  
-Oh, yeah? That'll make it shrink.
-This weather's so moist.

  
How you doing?

  
Don't cha wish your girlfriend
was hot like me

  
Don't cha wish your girlfriend
was a freak like me

  
Don't cha

  
Look at that dog over there,
eyeballing me.

  
Rasputia, what are you doing?

  
Shut up!

  
-Hey, slow down! You're gonna hit him!
-I got you now. I got you now!

  
-Stop it! No!
-I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you.

  
Rasputia, don't! No! No! No!

  
I know what that sound means!

  
I know what that sound means!

  
Bark! How you doing!

  
Lloyd!

  
Enough is enough.

  
Now, where in the hell
do you think you're going?

  
Lloyd's in the hospitaI because of you!

  
Yeah, that's right.
I put his little dog ass in the hospital.

  
And I'd have put it in the morgue, too,
if you didn't mess with my car seat.

  
It threw off my driving skilIs.

  
Rasputia, you are a mean, selfish, cold,
heartless woman, and I am leaving you!

  
-You leaving me?
-Yes!

  
Well, where the hell
you think you're going, big shot?

  
You ain't got no money.
You ain't got no family.

  
Everything is in my name, the car,
the house...

  
You ain't nothing and you ain't gonna
never be nothing without me, Norbit!

  
Norbit, you just can't leave!
Norbit, please, I'm with child!

  
With child?

  
Oh, yes, Norbit, can't you tell?
I'm getting a little belly.

  
And my titties is all achy and itchy-like.

  
Oh, Norbit, we gonna be a family.

  
Oh, Norbit, come hug me,
Daddy, please.

  
Please, Norbit.

  
I understand, little pony.

  
I know your pain.

  
Oh, yes, I know.

  
Excuse me, snow bunny.

  
I don't come in your jurisdiction,
throwing town picnics.

  
Yet here you is all up in mines,
pimping hos.

  
It's just a kissing booth.

  
Call it what you will,
but Pope Sweet Jesus

  
is taking half.

  
You work for me now, ho.

  
Sure.

  
Let me taste the goods.

  
Put it on me.

  
-Greasy.
-Greasy.

  
We back in business.

  
I wanna be a ho. How do I apply?

  
Please, Lord Jesus, help me!
Look, look, tickets! Hey, tickets, tickets.

  
-Let me go! Let me go!
-Line up with your buddy.

  
Line up with your buddy.

  
-You got one, sweetie.
-Can we go on the jumper?

  
Yeah, yeah, you go.

  
Baby, you know I love you.
I love these kids.

  
It's just that
I don't think buying an orphanage

  
is the right move financially right now.
That's all.

  
Hey, this is not
a financiaI decision, Deion.

  
-I thought you understood that, baby.
-No. No, I do. I do, baby.

  
But this the call I was telling you...
The business call, it's very important.

  
Let's talk about it
when I get back to the house, okay?

  
You're not going to stay?

  
No, very important. Here.

  
Hello? It's never a bad time for you.

  
Stop it! Stop!

  
Norbit!

  
-Hey.
-Hi.

  
Hey.

  
-I didn't know you were gonna be here.
-Oh, yeah.

  
Hey, you know, I just saw Deion leaving.

  
He had some business to take care of.

  
So, who are you here with?

  
My wife.

  
-Norbit, I didn't know you were married.
-Yeah.

  
-Well, that's wonderful. Really.
-Thank you so much.

  
So, where is she?

  
Right over there in the print outfit.

  
The one talking to the girI by the bench?

  
No, the one sucking the jelly
out of them donuts.

  
Oh, yeah. She's pretty.

  
That's cherry.
Is that cherry or strawberry?

  
What are my kids doing? Peter! Theo!

  
I don't want you bothering anyone.

  
I'm so sorry, Mrs. Rice.

  
Mrs. Rice?
My name ain't no damn Mrs. Rice.

  
Oh, I just thought
'cause you're married to Norbit...

  
Who the hell are you?

  
Kate, this is my wife,
Rasputia Latimore,

  
and, Rasputia, this is Kate.

  
-Nice to meet you.
-Hello.

  
Kate's an old friend of mine
from the orphanage.

  
Latimore, as in Latimore Construction?

  
Yes, that's right,
as in Latimore Construction.

  
That's right. Why?

  
Well, just that this is perfect,

  
'cause I was going to come see
you guys about a renovation of...

  
I ain't come out here for that.

  
I'm out here to enjoy these festivities,
not to be talking no business.

  
You wanna talk business,
my brother is Big Black Jack

  
over there by the BB guns.

  
Go over there and talk to him.
I ain't got no time for this.

  
Oh, sure, okay.

  
Well, go on, get.

  
-Okay.
-Okay.

  
-Come here.
-What, Rasputia?

  
You thinking about creeping, ain't you?

  
We're just friends.

  
What'd I tell you about having friends?

  
Go over there
and get me another wine cooler.

  
It's hot as hell out here.
Don't you see I'm sweItering?

  
-Rasputia, you can't drink wine.
-Why the hell not?

  
-You're with child.
-With child? I ain't with no...

  
Oh, that was... I had gas. I still got it.

  
There's your child.
Now, go get me something to drink.

  
Twins!

  
Hey! You come back here!

  
-Oh, my God!
-Move your fat ass, boy.

  
Look, you got one!

  
Get him. Get him, Big Black.

  
Are you Big Black Jack?

  
What it look like?

  
Oh, well.

  
Me and my fiancÚ
are buying the Golden Wonton...

  
Wong's place? He's selling it to you?

  
Yeah. Why is that surprising?

  
Miss Thomas, Miss Thomas, let's go.
They're starting the music.

  
-Oh, great!
-Come on. Let's go.

  
Can we finish this up later?
Apparently I have to go dance now.

  
all right, baby. You go dance now.

  
The orphanage is in play.

  
Y'all better give me my hat.
Give me the hat!

  
Here, take her hat.

  
You think I won't come up in here?
I'm gonna come up in here.

  
You think I'm playing?

  
Give me the hat right now,
or I'm gonna tear your leg off.

  
Hey, Norbit, come on!

  
Oh, no. No, I can't.
Rasputia's waiting for me.

  
-Come on, dance with us.
-No, really, I shouldn't...

  
Don't think I won't kilI a child.
I'll kilI a child in front of everybody.

  
Little street urchins.

  
Okay. That's it.
Now it's time to bring the pain.

  
Dance, Norbit, dance! Come on!

  
My hat!

  
It's raining little white women.

  
My prayers have been answered!

  
She'd better move,
'cause my prayer is for a Cadillac.

  
You little bastards.

  
Where the hell is Norbit
with that wine cooler?

  
I'm thirsty as hell.

  
Oh, hell, no.

  
Oh, he's lost his mind.

  
Bitch, that's my wine cooler!

  
It's my birthday! It's my birthday!

  
It's your birthday?
You think it's your birthday, huh?

  
Norbit's got moves, everybody! Yeah!

  
You got him loose, don't you,
you little skinny bitch?

  
I see what you trying to do.
I see just what you trying to do.

  
Go, Norbit! Go, Norbit! Go, Norbit!
Come on, everybody!

  
Go, Norbit!

  
Go, Norbit! Go, Norbit! Go, Norbit!

  
Go, Norbit! Go, Norbit!

  
Go, Norbit! Go, Norbit! Go...

  
Norbit!

  
Crooked employees?
Unlicensed doctors?

  
Lipstick on your husband's collar?

  
Find out who you're really deallng with.

  
Send $29.95
to Background Checks by Mail,

  
P.O. Box 1 19, Locust FalIs.

  
Hey, buddy partner.

  
Hi, Kate. Hi, nice to see you.
How you doing?

  
I'm good, but how about you
and your head?

  
Oh, I'm doing better.

  
The doctor said if it weren't for
my hard Afro, it could have killed me.

  
Are you sure you're okay, Norbit?
That sounds kind of fast.

  
Oh, well, they're doing some tests.
They're kind of monitoring me.

  
Well, I don't know about this stuff,
but 1 10 beats per minute,

  
that's kind of high. 120...

  
Oh, my goodness, 130!

  
Yeah, maybe the machine's broke.
I'm just gonna take these off.

  
You Deion Hughes?

  
Who's asking?

  
We the Latimores.

  
Yeah. Latimore Construction.

  
And we run this town.

  
Your woman was telling us how y'all
was planning on buying the orphanage.

  
Kate has her plans and I have mine.

  
Well, it looks like the only plans you got,
my man, is leaving.

  
I ain't sticking around
raising no damn orphans.

  
I got kids of my own
I ain't even bringing up.

  
So, you was just hustling her?

  
Break it to her gentle for me,
would you? I'm out!

  
Hold up, player.
I think you missing the flow here.

  
That orphanage she buying,
that's a huge property,

  
outside of town, zoned commercial.

  
Even got a liquor license.

  
lnteresting.

  
It's a perfect place for a titty bar.

  
-Did you say "titty bar"?
-Titties.

  
We got it all worked out.

  
We gonna call it Nipplopolis.

  
Nipplopolis.

  
Shit got a ring to it, don't it?

  
We talking about overpriced,
watered-down alcohol

  
and fake tig old bitties in abundance.

  
Ain't gonna be nothing but tax-free,

  
under-the-table, pure cash money.
Big time!

  
That's right.

  
all you got to do is swing us the deal
and we make you partner.

  
And what about Kate?

  
lf you marry her,
it's as much yours as hers.

  
Norbit, I really want you
to be a part of the orphanage.

  
The kids are crazy about you.

  
-They're good kids.
-Yeah.

  
You know, I'm gonna take them
bike riding tomorrow, down by the lake.

  
Why don't you come?

  
I don't know if I could go for a bike ride.

  
I never... I didn't really know how, the...

  
I can't ride a bike still.

  
You never learned? What?

  
Well, you left, you know,

  
and there was nobody
there to teach me.

  
And Wong don't ride.

  
Okay, we'll do something eIse.
The water park.

  
The kids have been begging me
to take them there.

  
Oh, I don't know about the water park.

  
Come on, it's a Saturday.
You don't have to work.

  
Yeah, I know, but it's the park
and it's watery,

  
and there's a potentiaI hell to pay
if I were to be there maybe...

  
Hey, what are you doing
with those things, Kate?

  
Well, I'm just going to have to shock you
tilI you say yes.

  
Hey, come on, Kate.
Don't play with those.

  
-Those things are plugged in. It's hot.
-Clear.

  
No, no clear. No clear. Stop, Kate.
Stop, Kate.

  
Come on. Yes.

  
-Yes, yes, yes.
-Yes, yes, yes, yes! Okay, stop. Nurse!

  
Oh, my God, Deion. This is beautiful.
I didn't even know you could cook.

  
I just wanted to do something special
for you, you know, from the heart.

  
Well, I am feeling it.

  
Let's do it. Let's get married, right away.
I don't wanna wait.

  
-Deion.
-Church is free on Saturday.

  
You're serious?

  
-Baby, we belong together.
-Yeah.

  
-I want to. Saturday.
-Yeah. Yes!

  
-Thank you.
-Oh, no, thank you.

  
Norbit!

  
Hi. Hey. Good morning, Rasputia.

  
Good morning.
How are you this morning?

  
Where the hell you going?

  
Nowhere special.
I was just gonna go out to...

  
-I was just going over to Raging Waters.
-Raging Waters?

  
Yes. It's this thing
I got roped into, darling.

  
You know, I was at this orphanage
when I was raised, and...

  
And the people from the orphanage

  
and now they're taking other orphans
to Raging Waters

  
so they asked me to come
and give back to the community,

  
so I'm trying to, you know, do my part.

  
Little Miss Skinny Bitch gonna be there?

  
You mean Miss Ling Ling?

  
You know damn well
I ain't talking about no Miss Ling Ling.

  
I'm talking about Miss Thing Thing
from that picnic.

  
Miss Thing Thing from the picnic?

  
Who are you talking about, sweetheart?
I don't even...

  
Wait, I think I remember now.
A girl, she had the foreign name.

  
-Something Russian.
-Kate, bitch!

  
Kate! Of course it's Kate. Yes,
I don't know if Kate's gonna be there.

  
I hadn't even thought about it.
It didn't even cross my mind.

  
I wonder, wilI Kate be there?
Damn good question.

  
Well, I'm going.

  
No!

  
You don't like water parks,
Rasputia. No.

  
You don't like water parks,
Rasputia. No.

  
Who don't like water parks? I love them.
They're just like amusement parks,

  
except you ain't got to get off the ride
to go to the bathroom.

  
How you doing?

  
Great.

  
There you go. Have fun.

  
There you go, Brian.
Nick, there's one for you.

  
all right, kids, everybody please be nice
to Mrs. Latimore, okay?

  
-Okay.
-Okay.

  
Kate, I hope you don't mind.
I asked Rasputia to join us.

  
Of course not.
I'm really glad you could come.

  
Well, are we gonna stand around here
all day or we gonna go inside?

  
Excuse me.

  
Excuse me, ma'am.

  
What?

  
Are you wearing bottoms?

  
Of course I'm wearing bottoms!

  
Okay. Come on in.

  
How dare you?

  
Oh, hell, no.

  
How you doing!

  
This ain't like no real beach,

  
'cause on a real beach you got people
walking around with ice chests

  
and you can get all kinds of treats
like sandwiches and potato chips

  
and Mentos and Skittles
and all sorts of delectables.

  
You can't get shit here!

  
Well, you know,
there's a concession stand.

  
You going?

  
No, I already ate.

  
Well, you could have fooled me.

  
I'm sorry?

  
I'm just trying to say
you too damn skinny. Look at you.

  
See, most men like a woman
that got a little... Or a little...

  
You ain't got nothing.
You just skin and bones,

  
just sitting in that chair
all bones and skin.

  
I feel sorry for you.

  
Well, I just feel that we're all made
exactly the way we're supposed to be.

  
Oh, no. Hell, no. I'm a Christian,

  
and you ain't gonna sit there
and blame God for how you look, okay?

  
You the one that
pushed that plate away.

  
My Norbit is always telling me
there's two kinds of women,

  
big old good ones
and good old big ones.

  
Really?

  
That's right. And, sister, let me tell you,
just between the two of us,

  
I can't keep Norbit off me.

  
He is the biggest freak
you ever wanna meet

  
and he be blowing my back out,

  
trying to put me
through the headboard every night.

  
I'm thinking about
going on a little diet or something

  
so I can get
all emaciated-looking like you,

  
then he'll think I look disgusting

  
and I can get a rest
or some sleep for a little while,

  
because he want it all the time.
Just boom, bam, boom, boom, boom.

  
But I ain't mad at him, hey.

  
I'm gonna go on a diet for sure,
next week.

  
Right now I'm gonna get me
a lamb kabob and a wine cooler.

  
How you doing?
Where is that wine cooler section?

  
Miss Thomas, we're all going off
the Leap of Doom. Come on.

  
Slowly. Slowly.
Someone's gonna fall down.

  
You're gonna break your head in half
in a second. Slow down!

  
Wait for me!

  
I tell you, it sure is tiring chasing these
kids all around the water park, isn't it?

  
Especially for us skinny folk.

  
What?

  
Never mind.

  
So, Norbit, I have some news.

  
Deion and l
decided to move up the wedding.

  
What wedding?

  
Our wedding.

  
We're going to get married on Saturday.

  
You're getting married on Saturday?

  
Yeah, we just figured, "Why wait?"
You know?

  
Well... Congratulations, then.

  
Thanks.

  
-Yeah.
-I'm really happy.

  
Oh, so am l. It's wonderful.

  
So, there it is, the Leap of Doom.

  
Yeah, go and have fun.
I'll wait for you at the bottom.

  
You go have some fun.

  
-Okay.
-Okay.

  
Okay, kids, one at a time.

  
I guess this is me.

  
What are you looking at, Norbit?

  
I was just watching the... Some kids.
They're about to come down the slide.

  
I wanted to watch
the kids come down safely.

  
-Kids, huh?
-Yeah.

  
So, you wanna watch a bitch
come down a slide?

  
Well, I'm gonna show you
how a bitch come down a slide.

  
Oh, no...

  
Excuse me, ma'am?
We have a 300-pound weight limit.

  
I don't weigh no damn 300 pounds.
I weigh 165. How you doing?

  
That was awesome.

  
What's that?

  
It's Rasputia.

  
I'm gonna show you
how a bitch go down a slide.

  
I'm sliding, bitches!

  
Mary, Mother of God.

  
Slow down! Stop! Stop!

  
How you doing?

  
Why does she have to go
and get married, Lloyd?

  
Things were going so well.

  
There it is.

  
Hey. Sorry about the concussion.

  
-It's okay.
-And the whiplash.

  
-It's okay.
-And the bruised stomach.

  
And the blood clot.

  
Nothing.

  
You know damn welI that's your baby.

  
You know it's yours. Got the same chin.
The same lip.

  
That baby got the same head as you
and the same eye...

  
Go take the test. Take the test.

  
You want to hear the test resuIts?

  
ln the case of the little baby...

  
Well, the test says that is your baby.

  
How you doing?

  
Latimore Construction, Norbit speaking.

  
Hey, Norbit, it's Kate.

  
Is there any way you can meet me
in town right now?

  
Yeah, sure.

  
Great. I'm at McCormick's.

  
Okay. Fine.

  
Rasputia, I'm just loaded up
with paperwork up to my ear.

  
I was wondering, could you run
these permits downtown for me?

  
Now you tell me
what in the hell I look like,

  
running some goddamn permits
down to City Hall for your ass.

  
You do it.

  
You do it.

  
Okay.

  
-What's the surprise?
-No, I'm not telling you.

  
TelI me. Hey, no, what are you doing?

  
-Not tilI the last second.
-What? What?

  
-You ready?
-Yeah, what is it?

  
I know you don't think
I'm gonna get on that thing.

  
-I think you're gonna get on that.
-Hey, no way. Hey.

  
Come on! Look where you wanna go.
You're doing great.

  
You got it? You got it? You got it?

  
Watch out for the fence!

  
And the mailbox.

  
Rasputia, the painters from
the Crestview site got food poisoning.

  
There's vomit everywhere!

  
You know damn well
you clean up all the vomit. You do it!

  
-I don't feel safe.
-Yeah! You're doing great!

  
Yeah.

  
The Portosans at Drummond's
tipped over!

  
Well, go clean the shit up!

  
Rasputia?

  
You do it!

  
-I got it!
-Go!

  
I'm getting it! I'm doing it!

  
You're doing it! Yeah, but slow down!

  
-How?
-With the brakes! The brakes!

  
Oh, no. Are you okay?

  
Yeah. Actually, that was kind of fun.

  
-Come on.
-Okay, help me.

  
-Okay?
-Yeah, yeah.

  
So, I'm going to Giovanni's tonight
to choose the food for the reception.

  
You wanna come? Help me decide?

  
What about Deion?

  
I just don't trust him with food.

  
You know,
he made dinner for us the other night.

  
It tasted like cheap take-out.

  
-Well, I'll go.
-Good.

  
Well, I just have to go get my dress,
and then we can meet, say, at 7:00?

  
Okay, that's great.

  
-Perfect, Norbit.
-Okay, see you at 7:00.

  
Norbit!

  
all right. Yeah, Norby.

  
7:00, don't be late.

  
You guys are all pervs.

  
I love it.

  
What's wrong?

  
Are you sure we're not rushing things?

  
I know we're not. I know we're not.
I couldn't be happier.

  
Norbit, that's a date.

  
No, it's not. She just wants someone...

  
Are you paying for this encounter
this evening?

  
Of course not!

  
Then that's a date.
Don't be trying to tell a pimp his game.

  
Come on, baby.

  
-Thank you.
-Carmen, honey!

  
all right.

  
Well, who are you getting all fine for?

  
Hello, Rasputia. Well, that's nice.

  
Oh, yeah, right.
Why you trying to look all extra today?

  
Oh, I'm just, you know, being a girl.

  
My fiancÚ likes it
when I take care of myself.

  
Look to me like
that fish already in his net.

  
You look like
you fixing to catch you a new fish.

  
What? No. God. Don't be silly.

  
You're married. You're here.

  
I don't do this for my husband.

  
Girl, I do this
because I have a reputation to uphold.

  
Everybody in this town know that
Rasputia Latimore is fine. Ain't I fine?

  
-You fine, girl! You are fine.
-Sister!

  
Everybody knows.

  
But even a delicate flower like me
need a little water from time to time.

  
Or a little lye in her kitchen
to help straighten out them petaIs.

  
How you doing?

  
Rasputia.

  
Helga waiting on you, girl,
to do your bikini wax.

  
Here I come, girl.

  
I got to go, girl. Every now and then
I got to mow the lawn.

  
You just make sure
all that sprucing up is for your fiancÚ.

  
Helga, here I come, girl.
It's a fulI moon, too.

  
Here we go, dear.

  
I was looking for Norbit's police whistle.

  
Go fish.

  
What's up?

  
Everything on schedule
with the wedding?

  
I got my own problems, but I'll handle it.

  
What's this situation
you're talking about?

  
The liquor license on the orphanage.

  
It won't rolI over
when the property changes hands,

  
not without one of
these transfer requests upfront.

  
Yeah, and getting a new license
could take years.

  
Yeah, we'd be out of business
before we get started.

  
You think you can get Kate to sign that?

  
Hell, no. She's planning on
closing the restaurant.

  
It'd raise too many suspicions.

  
all right, smart-ass,
then what we gonna do now?

  
-Yeah.
-Yeah.

  
Norbit.

  
-Where you going, Norbit?
-Sit your punk ass down.

  
Guys, I told Rasputia
the toilet needed to be reinforced

  
and she said
that I should take care of it,

  
so I'm gonna go take care of that.

  
Forget that.

  
I can't. No, guys,
it's an accident waiting to happen.

  
-I have to deaI with it.
-I said forget that.

  
We need you to
get these papers signed tonight.

  
Oh, no. I can't do it tonight, guys.

  
There's an accident waiting to happen.
I have to deaI with this...

  
Norbit, if you don't
get these papers signed tonight,

  
we can't start
the remodeI on the orphanage.

  
That's right, punk ass.

  
BulIshit. I'm going for mine tonight.
I got things to do!

  
Norbit, you better find that Kate Thomas

  
and get her to sign.

  
Yeah.

  
Kate Thomas?

  
You want me to get these papers
to Kate Thomas?

  
Yeah.

  
Okay, that's more important.

  
I'll take care of this for you guys.
I'll get these to Kate Thomas.

  
-That's what I told you to do.
-Get your punk ass up.

  
Okay, I'm gonna go take these to Kate

  
and take my punk ass to Kate Thomas
right now.

  
Excuse me, pardon me.
Let me get through here. Thank you.

  
-Excuse me. Going through. Hi.
-Bitch ass.

  
Yes, I am a bitch ass. Excuse me.
Kate Thomas.

  
Hey, sorry I'm late.

  
Man, it's time for
a pimpallcious makeover. Let's do this.

  
all right. But nothing too flashy now.
I wanna be flashy, but not...

  
Class. I don't want no....

  
Now, that's pimping.

  
all right, hair's bigger.

  
Okay. Well, I guess this is it, guys.
Thanks a lot for all your help.

  
Thanks for making me fly.

  
You fly like a flock of birds, baby.

  
-You look good.
-Thanks, guys.

  
-Handle this business for us, brother.
-I'm gonna handle it. Gonna handle it.

  
-Do the walk, Norbit.
-I got you.

  
Yeah. Norbit!

  
Wow, Norbit!

  
I just picked these
on the side of the road,

  
'cause this is just a casuaI get-together.

  
Sure. And you put the wires
up the stems, too. That's a nice touch.

  
-Norbit!
-Hey, Sam.

  
You dressed to kill, huh?

  
Katerina, you look beautiful.
Come sit, please.

  
I'm making my speciaIty just for you.

  
Hey. Did you make my favorite?

  
What do you think, huh?

  
I'm gonna take the flowers,
put them into water, okay?

  
He's a nice man.

  
Your favorite?

  
I guess you and Rasputia
come here a lot, huh?

  
Oh, no. We used to,
but she got banned for life

  
because Sam had
an all-you-can-eat buffet once

  
and she took it as a personaI challenge,
and it got pretty ugly.

  
I wanna make a toast.

  
Oh, sure.

  
To old friends.

  
To old friends.

  
We were buddy partners, all right,
Norbit. We were.

  
I tell you, you know,

  
sometimes I think
I should've never married Rasputia.

  
What do you mean, Norbit?

  
I was just really young, you know,
and she latched on to me

  
and kind of helped me fit in
and gave me a family, so...

  
We had nobody, Norbit.

  
I mean, who can blame us
for wanting to feel safe, you know?

  
Yeah, safe.

  
Like you and Deion?

  
Yeah.

  
I mean,
it's different with Deion, obviously.

  
So, what have you got here?

  
Those are just construction papers,

  
permits and stuff that you have to sign.

  
Kate, can I ask you
a personaI question?

  
Sure, what?

  
Do you love Deion?

  
Of course. Yeah.

  
Otherwise,
why would I be marrying him, right?

  
Right?

  
-Got your pizza.
-It is about time.

  
I'm about to disappear up in here
I'm so hungry.

  
Norbit out draining a swamp
or something.

  
Yeah, he's definitely draining a swamp.
He's draining a swamp like he would be.

  
-Why you looking at me like that?
-Where's Norbit?

  
Draining a swamp.
And why are you looking at me like that?

  
He's out there in the woods,
draining a swamp. I told you before.

  
I don't know nothing.

  
I don't know nothing, okay?

  
He's on a date with that fine skinny girl!

  
It's pain time here! I ain't having this!

  
Oh, hell, no. And on top of that
he been messing with my seat again?

  
Damn it, Norbit!

  
He got me destroying my shit.

  
This is it.

  
It's always so beautifuI in here.

  
Peaceful.

  
-Hello, Kate, Norbit.
-Hey.

  
Didn't know anybody was here.
I was getting ready to close up shop.

  
You know, Kate,
this all happened so fast,

  
I reallzed we never had
a chance to rehearse.

  
Oh, yeah, that's right.

  
So, come on up here.

  
Let me at least show you
where you're gonna stand.

  
-Come on.
-all right.

  
Rasputia. You know
you no allowed in here.

  
The hell with that. Where's Norbit?

  
I don't see Norbit.
Anybody is a see Norbit?

  
-No.
-He hasn't been here.

  
Then who was eating a turkey ass?

  
Run! Run! Run!

  
At which point
you'll give your vows to Deion.

  
You want to practice those?

  
Well, I hadn't actually gotten to that
quite yet.

  
You don't even know
what you're gonna say yet?

  
Well, what would you say, Norbit?
I don't know.

  
What would I say?

  
Norbit!

  
Don't cha wish your girlfriend
was hot like me

  
Don't cha wish your girlfriend
was a freak like me

  
Don't cha

  
What would I say if I was saying vows?

  
I guess...

  
Kate,

  
I think about you all day long.

  
And when I'm not near you,

  
all I think about is being near you.

  
And when you are near me,

  
I feel like I'm at peace
with the whole world.

  
I know that...

  
I know I'll never have to
ask God for anything

  
'cause, as long as I have you in my life,

  
I got everything I ever wanted.

  
And the only thing
I really wanna do is just

  
spend the rest of my life making you
as happy as you've made me.

  
Because I love you, Kate.

  
I love you.

  
I don't know. Something like that.

  
And after the vows you would then...

  
Okay.

  
Oh, my God.

  
I'm sorry, I have to go.

  
I'm sorry.

  
-Awkward.
-Yeah.

  
Give me that crowbar.
I got some killing to do.

  
Damn it!

  
I'm a Christian. You got me
up in this church cursing, Norbit.

  
Death do us part, huh? Okay, Norbit.

  
Look like you done moved up
the goddamn schedule.

  
I'm cursing again.

  
Pray, bitch, pray.

  
Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name.

  
Thy kingdom come, thy wilI be done
on Earth as it is in heaven.

  
Kate, please. Kate, please, I'm sorry.

  
Kate, please, stop and talk to me.

  
Please, please, Kate.
Talk to me, please.

  
I can't, Norbit.

  
I'm just too confused right now.

  
I'm sorry. It was all my fauIt.
I never should have kissed you.

  
No.

  
I wanted you to.

  
That's why I'm so confused.

  
Good night.

  
She wanted me to.

  
-Where the papers at, Norbit?
-Got them for you right here.

  
I'd hate to be you right now.

  
Why?

  
Go on in the house.

  
Go on in.

  
Go ahead, fool. What you waiting for?

  
Get on in.

  
Hello?

  
Chocolate drop, I'm home.

  
Lollipop?

  
Mail.

  
Expecting a letter, Norbit?

  
You frightened me.
No, I was just looking through.

  
How was your date?

  
Date?

  
That was no date. That was just...

  
I just was over at
what's-her-name's wedding rehearsal.

  
That's all. It wasn't a date, though.

  
Oh, really?

  
Lloyd. Is that you, Lloyd?

  
Lloyd, what am I gonna do?

  
KilI the bitch.

  
Excuse me? What'd you say?

  
You heard me. Rub her out.
Take her down. lce the bitch.

  
Hey. Lloyd, you're talking.

  
She took my legs, Norbit.
She took my legs.

  
You know what it's like to be a dog
with no legs?

  
I can't raise one up to pee.

  
Hell, I can't even hump no more, Norbit.
Humping was my thing.

  
What is this, Norbit?

  
Some kind of weird, satanic potato art?

  
What's this?

  
It looks like the acid
that we use down at the quarry.

  
Right!

  
But this is
Miss Pretty Little Thang's little face.

  
And, Norbit, if you ever see her again,
if you ever talk to her again,

  
if you ever so much
as think about the bitch again,

  
this is what's gonna happen to her.

  
How you doing?

  
You get the picture, Norbit?

  
Deion, I just think that
we need to take a beat.

  
It's not you, it's me.

  
Just if we slow down, l...

  
Oh, good, you're up.

  
-Deion, we need to talk.
-Yes, we do.

  
I was just at Latimore Construction,
you know, with the renovation plans,

  
and I found this on Big Black's desk.

  
What is it?

  
It's a request to renew
the Golden Wonton's liquor license

  
and put it in the Latimores' name.

  
What?

  
Baby, you signed it yesterday.
Look at the date.

  
No. No, I didn't sign anything.

  
Just some permits
that Norbit gave me, but...

  
Well, did you read them?

  
-No.
-No. Great.

  
I don't get it, though, Deion.

  
Why would the Latimores
want me to renew the liquor license

  
at the orphanage?

  
Baby, people say
they've been trying to get their hands on

  
that orphanage for years.

  
Apparently they want to turn it
into a strip joint.

  
Disgusting.

  
First you gonna clean the basement,
then you gonna clean the garage,

  
then you gonna go upstairs
and clean the attic.

  
We don't even have an attic.

  
Well, then you build a damn attic, then,
Norbit! And then clean it!

  
I'm going upstairs to take a bubble bath.

  
Bitch! You bitch!

  
Finally.

  
I needed this.
Let me submerge this ass.

  
How you doing?

  
Good and hot.

  
Sounds like it's raining outside.

  
Oh, no.

  
Kate!

  
Norbit.

  
Over here. Over here.

  
I need to talk to you.

  
Do you know what was in those papers
you had me sign last night?

  
Yeah, the construction permits.

  
No, that's not all.

  
Norbit.

  
Hey, just... Just go away, Kate!
Get out of here!

  
What?

  
You heard what I said!
Just get out of here! Scram!

  
The Latimores are trying to
take controI of the orphanage, Norbit.

  
Well, why don't you go and find
somebody who gives a rat's ass,

  
because I sure as hell don't!

  
-You don't care?
-No, I don't care.

  
-And I don't care about you, either!
-Norbit.

  
The only woman I have ever,
ever loved and ever cared about

  
was my darling wife, Rasputia!

  
But last night...

  
Last night I was just trying to naiI you,
you know, score?

  
But now I reallze I don't have to do that!

  
all I need is my beautiful,
precious wife Rasputia!

  
She's all the woman I need, so
you can just go on and get out of here,

  
you screwy dame! Who needs you?

  
Damn, Norbit.

  
Did that skinny little thing
figure out your plan?

  
Girl, you just don't get it, do you?
Norbit played you.

  
You got her to sign those papers,
didn't you?

  
Yes, darling.

  
He been setting you up
from that moment

  
from the very first day you got here.

  
How you doing?

  
Don't you ever talk to me again!

  
Kate.

  
Damn, Norbit,
you pissing off everybody today.

  
Don't you ever talk to me again!
Don't you ever talk to me again!

  
Never again!

  
Hey, Norbit.

  
Mr. Wong,
what are you doing around here?

  
I just going for a walk, Norbit.
Just going for a walk.

  
I live in this neighborhood long time.
Long time.

  
Soon I be moving on.

  
Yes, as I look around this neighborhood,

  
I reallze there
no good dry cleaners here.

  
I could make killing.

  
Why you got suitcase?

  
I'm getting the H out of here.
I'm leaving town for good.

  
What? Leaving town?

  
I thought you stick around,
help Kate run orphanage.

  
She's getting married
to Deion tomorrow,

  
so there's no reason
for me to stay around here.

  
No reason?

  
No, she won't even see me.

  
And besides,
I'll just wind up getting hurt again.

  
Norbit, you listen to me.
You very speciaI to me.

  
I love you like my own child,
like boy child, not girI child.

  
Wong once have girI child
back in Shanghai.

  
When she two years old,
I trade her for yak.

  
That sort of thing happen in China
from time to time.

  
Yak very hard to come by.

  
Oh, yeah, sure. I appreciate that.

  
You can't run
from your problems, Norbit.

  
Black people run fast,
but problem even faster.

  
That's kind of racist.

  
Yes. Wong very racist. I no like black.
I no like Jew either.

  
But black and Jew love Chinese food.
Go figure.

  
Always remember two things, Norbit.

  
One, even though you're very ugly,

  
you're very strong inside, like warrior.

  
And two, maiI come late on Friday.

  
Wong Dry Cleaning.

  
It could have been huge.

  
You don't even have to clean nothing,
you just spray with starch.

  
Mr...

  
I gotta warn Kate.

  
Hello?

  
Hello, Kate. Kate, it's Norbit.
I have to talk to you.

  
-Please don't call me anymore.
-No, Kate, it's very important.

  
Kate?

  
Going somewhere, Norbit?

  
No, I was... No.

  
What did I tell you
about leaving this house?

  
I was just going to get some fresh air.

  
Boy, you ain't going nowhere
tilI after that wedding's done.

  
We got too much riding on that.

  
What do you have
riding on the wedding?

  
Soon as your little friend says, "I do,"

  
Deion and us is gonna
turn the orphanage into a titty bar.

  
But what about the little orphans?

  
Hell, they can come too,
if they pay the cover.

  
John the Baptist, stop their eviI plan.

  
Get your ass down in the basement.

  
Get down there!

  
It's a madhouse! A madhouse!

  
-Come on, Rasputia! We gonna be late.
-Yeah.

  
I know y'all better stop rushing me.

  
Beauty takes time.
This don't just happen.

  
Oh, no.

  
You get out the car.

  
You gonna stay here
and make sure Norbit don't go no place.

  
You gonna stay here
and make sure Norbit don't go no place.

  
What? Why I gotta stay?

  
Because everybody know
you the smartest.

  
Three minutes to show time.
Not too late to chicken out.

  
No, I'm ready.

  
Okay. You look beautiful.

  
P-O-W-E-R.

  
T to the A to the mother-stanking P.
Power-tap the fat, move back.

  
Power-tap the fat, move back.

  
What are the Latimores doing here?

  
Don't worry. It's your day.
You look beautiful.

  
Nuts.

  
-Tap, tap, tap. Tap it off.
-Tap, tap. Tap...

  
Norbit!

  
Norbit? Norbit?

  
Oh, damn. He escaped.

  
Norbit! Norbit!

  
Your ass is mine, Norbit!

  
Yeah.

  
-Just now? Shit.
-Is he all right?

  
Norbit escaped. He gonna be
headed this way. Come on.

  
Hell, no.

  
-Norbit is coming.
-For shizzle?

  
We have to figure out way
to stall wedding.

  
Just calm down, Mr. Wong.

  
I've ruined plenty of weddings
back in the day. I got this.

  
Dearly beloved,

  
we are gathered here today
to join these two in holy matrimony.

  
Your Honor, I object!

  
Object? Sir, we've not gotten to
that part yet.

  
Then I'm objeculating prematurely,
Reverend.

  
No offense, my brother, but we're just
trying to keep the train rolling here.

  
Oh, well, if you want to
get the train rolling, you know...

  
You got to use the big "L".

  
Lesbians.

  
No, man.
I ain't talking about no lesbians.

  
-AIthough, late at night.
-Yes.

  
-Right?
-Yes.

  
-No, brother, we talking about love.
-Love.

  
Love is the engine
that drives the train forward, backwards,

  
side to side,
round and round love does go.

  
You understand me? I got this, brother.

  
I'm not talking about no $20 up in here,
back seat of the car,

  
stanky-stanky, hanky-panky.

  
-No.
-No.

  
I'm talking about good, wholesome,

  
fortified with
eight essentiaI vitamins love.

  
That cost anywhere...

  
How much it cost?

  
About $136, Monday through Fridays.
$212 on the weekends.

  
Because of inflation.
Can I get an "Amen"?

  
Amen!

  
Where the hell you going, Norbit?

  
None of your GD beeswax, Rasputia!

  
Look at you, you old stupid fool.
You can't even ride a bike.

  
Oh, yes, I can, because Kate taught me!

  
Brothers and sisters.
This particular one's for the brothers.

  
When you buy the ones that say,
"Ribbed for her pleasure,"

  
turn them inside out
and they ribbed for your pleasure.

  
-Can I get an "Amen"?
-Amen!

  
Now, speaking of ribs and pleasure.

  
Yes. For a limited time only,
we are proud to present to you

  
our barbeque, baby back, horseradish,

  
mustard and
peanut butter-encrusted ribs

  
with a slight Jagermeister infusion
sprinkled with chamomile leaves

  
with a horseradish
and dandelion salad on a bed of rice.

  
Buy one Pimp Platter,
get the whole bones free.

  
No, no, no! That's enough talking.

  
It's time to get back to the wedding.

  
It ain't never enough talking
when you talking about love, brother.

  
-Ain't that right?
-Yeah!

  
Let me hear you say it, people!

  
Love!

  
Let me hear you sing it, choir!

  
Love!

  
-I'm gonna rip your head off.
-Rasputia.

  
-What?
-Car!

  
I don't give a damn about no car.
I'm ready to die.

  
Car!

  
I'm ready to die!

  
I'm ready to die.

  
I ain't gonna let you ruin Nipplopolis
for me, boy! Damn!

  
I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die up in here.

  
Drive the car, God damn it!

  
What's up, white man?
Pay for your sins. Pay for your sins.

  
We gonna change your name to Leroy.

  
Amen!

  
That's enough!

  
That's enough! Enough! Enough!
Enough! Enough!

  
-Stop the music!
-Hold on.

  
Shut up! You two, shut up!

  
That's it. This is husband-and-wife time.

  
Now, let's go. Let's go.
Husband-and-wife stuff.

  
Dearly beloved,

  
we are gathered here today...

  
I object!

  
Oh, for Christ's sake!

  
-Norbit.
-Norbit.

  
Norbit.

  
Norbit

  
This wedding is a sham
and I'm here to stop it.

  
Norbit, what are you doing?

  
I'm being a man
for the first time in my life. Kate...

  
Kate, I love you.

  
What the hell did you just say?

  
You heard what I said, strumpet.
I love Kate!

  
That's right. I love you, Kate.

  
And the last two weeks I spent with you
have meant more to me

  
than my whole entire miserable life
with you, Rasputia!

  
It's over! Norbit Albert Rice
is no longer your bitch!

  
You're dead! Get off me!

  
Get your hands off me, Black.
Don't go hitting me.

  
What's wrong with you, girl?
What's wrong with you? Get off of me.

  
You don't talk like that with me.

  
No, wait!

  
No, no, wait, baby girl,
he's ruining our wedding.

  
Let's just get back to the nuptiaIs.

  
We just heard condom advice
from an ex-pimp.

  
I think we can survive
a few words from Norbit.

  
Deion is a fake. He's marrying you
just to get your money.

  
What?

  
Him and the Latimores.
They thought this whole scheme up.

  
He's been married four times in the
last six years to four different women,

  
and he cheated the women
out of $300,000 in divorce settlements.

  
Yeah, I heard all about it!
And something eIse.

  
They were gonna try to steal
the orphanage from you.

  
That's what this whole thing is about!

  
You crazy! He's got a big crush on you.
He's making this stuff up.

  
Oh, yeah? I'm crazy?
I'm making it all up?

  
-Yes, you making it up.
-Then what about this, then?

  
This evidence that I have.
Look at this!

  
This, well...

  
This used to, before it felI in the pond,
it had numbers

  
and there was information.

  
There was people's names
and dates and addresses

  
and all kinds of incriminating things.

  
I felI in the pond, but you can't read it.
But, boy, did I have your ass!

  
That's nice, Norbit. Really nice.
Did you write that yourself? Pathetic.

  
Kate, you have to believe me.

  
Yeah, yeah, believe him, Kate.

  
Remember the one that got you to sign
the papers to steaI the orphanage?

  
Remember that?
Believe him. Go ahead.

  
I'm so sorry, Norbit.
I just don't trust you anymore.

  
Well, well, well, Norbit. You lose again.

  
Once a loser, always a loser, huh?
Now, come on! Let's go!

  
Yeah, I thought you'd feel
that way about it, Kate.

  
And that's why I took the liberty

  
of inviting some of
Deion's ex-wives down

  
so maybe they could tell you
for themselves.

  
Ladies!

  
Hello, Antoine.

  
-I've been looking for you.
-Daddy!

  
Antoine? He told me
his name was Luther!

  
Who is that ho?

  
He told me he was gay.

  
No, no, no. Y'all got me confused with
my gay twin brother, Antoine Luther.

  
-You dead, gold digger!
-Get your butt back here!

  
I'm out!

  
Looks like the wedding's off, bro.

  
Church!

  
-God damn it, Norbit!
-Oh, snap!

  
Get him!

  
Norbit!

  
Mother Mary! Jesus! Noah! Christ!

  
Good.

  
You going somewhere, Norbit?

  
-You messed up, boy.
-That's right.

  
Now you gonna pay. Big time!

  
Latimore! Keep your fakakta hands
off him!

  
Go back to your shop, Abe,
before I kilI you, too!

  
Hey! You gonna have to kilI me, as well!

  
Yeah, and me, too!

  
Rasputia!

  
How you doing?

  
I kick the shit out of you.

  
Mind your goddamn business.

  
Mind your business. Get out of here.
Move it.

  
No, you didn't!

  
Bye-bye.

  
Bring it, bitches!

  
Oh, hell to the no.

  
Mrs. Henderson is tripping, huh?
Get your...

  
You crazy little old bitch.
How you doing?

  
Get out of the way.

  
His ass is mine.

  
'Sputia? Rasputia?

  
You remember "tilI death do us part,"
don't you, Norbit?

  
No!

  
Whale, ho!

  
Did somebody just call me a whale?

  
Yeah, and a ho!

  
Bingo! Right in the blow hole!

  
-Let's get some.
-We dead.

  
Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

  
Norbit!

  
Are you all right?

  
All right? 
This is the best I've ever feIt in my whole life.

  
Come here.

  
Proud of that boy.

  
Yes. Yes, very proud of Norbit.
He like my son.

  
I'm sorry I doubted you.

  
ln the end, I guess you could say
everything worked out just fine.

  
Kate and I took over the orphanage
and it was a dream come true.

  
Oh, and we aIso got married. Again.

  
I love you, Kate.

  
Ditto.

  
And I now pronounce you my wife.

  
And I pronounce you my husband.

  
You may kiss the bride.

  
What you mean, "Ew"? No, "Ew."
Man kiss a woman, beautifuI thing.

  
Ling Ling.
Come here with your fine self.

  
I now pronounce you man and wife.

  
As for Rasputia
and the rest of the Latimores,

  
we never heard from them again.

  
Rumor has it they settled somewhere
in Mexico and opened the club.

  
I guess they're living their dream, too.

  
Say, man, don't you have
any better-looking girIs than that?

  
Our best girI's coming out right now.

  
Rasputia!

  
Hold on, now, Pepe.

  
Ain't nothing going down there unless
it got the word "Peso" written on it.


Special thanks to SergeiK.