Nothing Like The Holidays Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Nothing Like The Holidays script is here for all you fans of the Christmas movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Nothing Like The Holidays quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Nothing Like The Holidays Script

  
  
You have
a safe flight, okay?

  
Hey, take care
of that daughter of yours.

  
Papi!

  
Papi!

  
Ladies and gentlemen,

  
Welcome to Chicago's
O'Hare lnternational Airport.

  
Please check
the overhead monitors

  
for flight arrival
and departure times.

  
Please keep
all personal items,

  
including luggage,
with you at all times.

  
Unattended luggage
will be confiscated

  
by law enforcement
officials.

  
May I have your attention please?

  
This is a gate change
announcement.

  
- Jesse!
- Jesse! Jesse!

  
Oh, ho ho!
Welcome back!

  
- Come on, man!
- Yeah, baby!

  
What's up?

  
You find any weapons of
mass destruction over there?

  
- You on Social Security yet, asshole?
- Yeah.

  
- Oh, man.
- How you doing, man?

  
- So good to see you, brother.
- So good to see you.

  
- Man, it's been too long.
- I know. I know, man.

  
- I missed you.
- You girls want to stop the fappy shit?

  
- It's happy hour, man.
- What?

  
- It's 11 :00.
- Not in Amsterdam!

  
It's party time!

  
Grandpa, you want
to watch the road?

  
-Oh, look at that.
-Let me see, man.

  
- Oh, that's not bad.
- Not bad, bro.

  
- That gonna heal up real nice.
- Looks good, man.

  
- That's cool.
- Johnny's all deals.

  
- Oh! Oh oh! Oh!
- This is it.

  
This is the ad for the store!
Check it out.

  
- Check it out.
- Shh shh shh!

  
- Listen to this.
- Plasma screen TVs, at absolutely...

  
...rock bottom prices.

  
Excuse me, Mr. Sexy Voice Man,

  
but why are you
standing in the middle of the store...

  
-...in just your underwear?
- Who, me?

  
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm just trying

  
- to give you 60".
- Oh!

  
That's so cheap!
Yo yo yo, B,

  
you should see the honeys
I've got lined up for the next ad.

  
- Caliente.
- Oh, come on, Father Time.

  
You think that dye job
in your hair fools anybody?

  
Just 'cause your illegal
Mexican ass can't afford--

  
Old ass man.

  
I'm gonna tell you the difference
between me and you.

  
- What's that? You tell me.
- I'm legal.

  
You a wannabe legal.

  
Ouch.
Yo, whoa whoa whoa.

  
Johnny, turn on Sacramento.
It's coming up pretty soon.

  
Wait. You want your ma to kill us?

  
It'll be fine.
Just turn on Sacramento

  
- when we get up there.
- Papo, what's the rush?

  
Your aunt's still pissed that we were late
to Mauricio's wedding.

  
Are you kidding me?
You're still harping on that?

  
The priest passed out
from heat stroke!

  
Dude, everybody knows
I need 15 minutes to blow-dry my hair.

  
- Otherwise it don't work.
- Road's coming up.

  
- Don't miss it.
- Let's hit the cuchi frito spot.

  
- Some bacaladitos maybe.
- Yeah, I'm hungry, bro.

  
- Johnny.
- Yo.

  
- Stop the car.
- Here?

  
- Yeah.
- What's up?

  
Are you crazy?
It's freaking cold out there.

  
I'm not gonna
stop the car.

  
- Stop the car!
- I'm not getting out!

  
- It's cold!
- Johnny! Ozzy!

  
Come here, bro.
What are you doing?

  
Oh, shit.

  
Welcome back, coz.

  
Welcome back.

  
Welcome back to Humble Park, man.

  
You feel sick?
You don't look sick.

  
Are you sure this medicine is not
gonna make me drowsy?

  
- Hi, Edy.
- I don't want to fall asleep

  
at my girl's
office party.

  
You're gonna be the most
beautiful woman there.

  
Thank you, Papi.
I'll see you later.

  
Okay.

  
- What?
- You know what, Don Juan.

  
If I didn't admire her,
she'd be insulted.

  
Please! Like you look
at Sister Maria here like that.

  
I wasn't always a nun.

  
Oh no.

  
Brother's even
stealing Santa suits.

  
Why don't you sit
on Santa's lap

  
and give me
your wish list?

  
$1, one menthol.

  
Why don't
you add 99 to that,

  
pay me back for
the Trinidad-Jones fight?

  
That fight was
over a year ago.

  
I swear, I'm never betting
with you again, Spencer.

  
30 years, you've never
ponied up once.

  
And why you bet
on Trinidad, anyway?

  
I usually never bet when
two brothers are fighting.

  
Trinidad is Puerto Rican.

  
How many times do
I have to explain to you

  
Puerto Ricans
ain't black?

  
Come on,
you know damn well

  
if Trinidad wasn't black,
I'd never bet on him.

  
I always bet
on the black man.

  
Lakers versus Celtics,
I always went Lakers.

  
Tiger versus the white boy
of the month...

  
I always go Tiger.

  
The only time I ever lost
was Apollo versus Rocky,

  
but I think
that shit was fixed.

  
Whatever.
Can I have my money?

  
If I prove to you that
Puerto Ricans are black,

  
then I don't owe you
one thin dime.

  
- Get out.
- Dad! Papi!

  
- Hey, Spence. Look at you.
- Hey, Mauricio.

  
- I like the black Santa scam.
- Hey, you know me.

  
Too bad Santa
only comes once a year.

  
- Know what I mean?
- Got that right.

  
Dad.
How's it going?

  
I couldn't just drive by
without paying tribute, you know?

  
Look at you.

  
How come
he gets to flirt?

  
'Cause he's mine.

  
- Hi, Tina.
- Hi.

  
- Nice blouse.
- Thank you.

  
Anna gave it to me
for my birthday last year.

  
Whoa.
Don't flash like that.

  
I'm a married man.
Cover them up.

  
Just kidding.

  
- That blouse Tina was wearing?
- Yeah?

  
I gave it to your mom
two Christmases ago.

  
Maybe it was a little too Lieutenant Uhura,
"Star Trek" for her.

  
Come on, Sarah.
Where's your Christmas spirit?

  
Where's hers?
She regifts everything.

  
Last year she gave me
a basket of toiletries with

  
with "Doubletree" and "Boca"
printed on it.

  
- Really?
- I still have the body lotion.

  
Oh, Sarah, come on.
Hey, do you know what would be

  
a great Christmas present
for my parents?

  
- TiVo?
- No no.

  
If we tell them we're
trying to have a baby.

  
- A baby?
- Yeah.

  
Are you high?

  
- We discussed this.
- No. No no no no no no no.

  
We're still in discussion
about this.

  
What are we gonna say to
my mom when she's all,

  
"All my friends have
grandchildren.

  
My mother had 10 grandchildren
when she was my age"?

  
We'll tell her
to adopt an embryo

  
and have one herself.

  
- Merry Christmas.
- Feliz Navidad.

  
Ay, mi niņo!

  
You look so handsome.

  
- Hello, Sarah.
- Hello.

  
You went to the bodega
before you came home first?

  
- Yeah, well--
- What difference does it make?

  
They're here now.

  
You're lucky to have ran
into him at the bodega.

  
He's a little hard
to get ahold of these days.

  
Mira, she's almost
a Puerto Rican.

  
I'm sorry, can you say that
more slowly

  
and just enunciate
a little more clearly?

  
Yeah, well, she saying
"How are you?"

  
She says, "How are you?"
How are you?

  
- Oh. Muy bien.
- There you go.

  
It looks like you've lost
a little bit of weight.

  
She said
that you look great.

  
Oh. Thank you.
I just started Pilates.

  
Ay, bendito.
When am I gonna have grandchildren?

  
My mother had at my age.

  
All of my friends
have grandchildren.

  
I'm going to be the only
Puerto Rican grandmother

  
who's gonna have to
adopt grandchildren.

  
Anna, leave
the children alone.

  
Do you want to drive them
back to New York?

  
Thanks, Dad.

  
Anybody else home yet?

  
Our little
Hollywood movie star

  
is about to pull up
in her limo any minute.

  
Merry Christmas!

  
- Oh, it's our little movie star!
- Hi, Dad.

  
- Stop stop stop.
- Mom, you're like paparazzi.

  
- Hi, Mom!
- Where's the limo driver?

  
He had another pickup
at the airport.

  
Hi, Mami. How are you?
Where's Jesse?

  
- Is he here yet?
- Johnny and Ozzy went to pick him up.

  
Oh God,
he'd be safer in lraq.

  
Whoa!

  
Yo, Ozzy!

  
- My bad, man!
- Come on, bro.

  
You threw that
like Marcia Brady.

  
Hey, I'm not the one who wore diapers
in Little League.

  
For your information,
Mr. Asshole,

  
they were disposable
underwear. okay?

  
- I had a bladder problem.
- Yeah, a lot of girls have that problem.

  
There was
an epidemic going on.

  
There were thousands of kids
having to wear those.

  
- Epidemic.
- Can we get to the game?

  
What you think we're doing?

  
Talking like two old ladies.
Come on, man.

  
- You swing like one.
- Here comes the heat, baby.

  
Throw that like a man.
I ain't got all day.

  
- Oh! Home run!
- Oh!

  
I could've caught that.

  
Come on! Catch the ball,
you old ass man!

  
Oh!

  
- Come on, man!
- Johnny! Come on!

  
I threw it right to him.
He could've caught that.

  
Ozzy!

  
Yo! Come on, man!

  
Ozzy, what are you doing?
Throw the ball!

  
Yo! Freaking
freezing out here!

  
Let's go, papo!

  
Ozzy!

  
What are you doing, man?

  
Give me the ball.

  
Ozzy. Chill, man.
Don't do nothing stupid.

  
I can't believe that
bitch Alexis is out.

  
He killed
my brother, man.

  
That punk-ass,
he kills his brother

  
and he's hanging out
like nothing happened?

  
What kind of justice
is that, Jesse?

  
- Come on.
- Come on, man.

  
"Come on" what, bro?
It's not even worth it.

  
- What are you trying to say?
- Not even worth it.

  
Got your name up
on a billboard, Jesse,

  
Iike when Jordan came back
to the United Center.

  
Whole neighborhood gonna be lining up,
welcoming you back.

  
A Boricua war
hero, pal.

  
Puerto Rico, whoa!

  
- Puerto Rico, whoa!

  
Ay, Dios mio.
Ay, bendito.

  
My baby.
Mi niņo.

  
Mi vida.

  
- Preciosos, you're home. I can't believe it.
- Hey, Ma.

  
What is it going to take
for you two to be on time?

  
- The hair. The hair.
- Your hair.

  
- Come on.
- Are you okay?

  
Huh? I'm good.
I'm good.

  
Thank God you never have to go back
to that place again.

  
I swear if I ever meet those
people that hurt you, baby,

  
- I'll kill them.
- Hey, Uncle Edy. How you doing?

  
Oh, you're smothering him.

  
Give the boy
a chance to breathe.

  
You look like
a Puerto Rican Gorbachev.

  
- Hi.

  
- What's up, Roxanna?
- Hey.

  
- Yo, Mauricio.
- It's so good to see you.

  
You too.
You look good.

  
The Penn game.
Dad, we're missing the Penn game.

  
- Gracia, Mamita.

  
Hey, Ma,
did Sarah tell you?

  
She was a big hit
at her office Christmas party.

  
- She made coquito from scratch.
- You did?

  
- Can you believe that?
- I Googled the recipe.

  
Why didn't you call me
instead of this Google?

  
- It's a search engine.
- Ma.

  
I needed it quickly.

  
I thought
it would be fun.

  
There's some Puerto Ricans
who work in the firm.

  
As what? Janitors?
An assistant lavaplatos?

  
- Probably.
- Jose is an associate.

  
- An associate.
- How nice.

  
And I told them
how we celebrate the parranda,

  
where we sing
the Christmas carols

  
and go house to house
to surprise the neighbors.

  
Wow, Mo, I didn't know your girl
was so down with the neighborhood.

  
I know.
Sarah's a volunteer.

  
What do you have to
offer the world, Johnny?

  
What's your
contribution besides

  
zero money down
and debt into afterlife?

  
- Oh!

  
I got him good
with that afterlife jab.

  
Okay, enough enough.
I want to propose a toast.

  
Here's to having
everybody home,

  
especially Jesse.

  
- Salut.
- To Jesse.

  
Jesse. L'Chaim.

  
What?
What he say?

  
Jesse, I want
to ask you:

  
Did you see
some of that messed up

  
"Black Hawk Down"
type of shit over there?

  
Did that really
happen that way?

  
I don't know, man.
I--

  
He doesn't want to talk about that.

  
- You don't wanna talk about that.
- It's okay.

  
You talk
when you're ready.

  
I'm gonna
go check the rice.

  
So, Tio Edy, when are you gonna
come down to the store

  
so I can set you up with a beautiful
plasma flat-screen TV?

  
I don't need one of those.
This TV is perfectly fine.

  
- Oh.
- That always works.

  
You could watch the Cubs
in high definition.

  
So I could have
a crystal clear image

  
of seeing them getting
their asses kicked?

  
- No no, gracia.

  
- So, Roxanna, mi amor.
- Mmm?

  
So tell us what's
going on in Hollywood.

  
Yeah, who's gay now?

  
You, you stupid ass.

  
The gay gene skipped
my side of the family.

  
Yeah, right. Like Uncle Roy who still
has a roommate at 60.

  
- That's right, a "roommate."
- Life partner, man.

  
Enough. You hear back
from that TV show?

  
Dad, they haven't decided yet.
But they said I brought

  
an organic vulnerability
to the character that plays as cultural--

  
You'd definitely play a much more organic
Mexican than Oz over here.

  
- Don't start.
- What are you talking about?

  
- What? Start what?
- You know.

  
- What do I know?
- You almost went there. Forget it.

  
- How'd I almost go there?
- Nothing, forget it.

  
- Say the line.
- You're supposed to be on my side.

  
- Say the line. Say the line.
- No.

  
- Say the line.
- Do the line.

  
Sorry. Onto bigger
and better things.

  
Come on, baby.
It's not like a million people

  
haven't already seen you
in that sexy peasant blouse,

  
batting your beautiful
brown eyes for Seņor Taco.

  
You know what?
I've got the bootleg too.

  
All right,
I'll say the line.

  
No no, it's more like...

  
Oh, stop.

  
It's-- it's...

  
No no no no no.

  
You'd better watch it.
You'd better watch it.

  
Assholes.

  
Okay, that's enough.
That's enough.

  
So tell me, this new show
you're up for...

  
It's a midseason replacement

  
and it's coming on after
"Desperate Housewives,"

  
- which is big.
- Oh wow.

  
- Are you gonna be able to meet them?
- I might, actually.

  
What about you, Sarah?
How's work?

  
- Yeah, what's going on on Wall Street?
- Yeah.

  
Yeah, how are you
guys gonna have enough time

  
to make some kind of
sorta-Ricans?

  
No, we are.
Not right away,

  
We've got plenty of time.
What's the rush?

  
Why are you throwing me
with the baby Latin curve here?

  
By now you guys should be up to four,
five, six, maybe seven, eight kids.

  
- Come on.
- Yo, does your plumbing work?

  
My pipes flow just fine. You want to check,
Johnny? Want to take a gander?

  
Why you getting
so macho about yourself?

  
We're all here, brother.
You can talk to us.

  
If I needed somebody
to talk to,

  
- you'd be the last person I would go to.
- Right.

  
I'm gonna ask Anna
if she needs any help in the kitchen.

  
- That's great.
- What did I do?

  
You know
why you're single?

  
'Cause every time
you open your mouth

  
it's like
a woman repellant.

  
The women go whoosh!
Just saying.

  
I'm just saying.
Look, I understand.

  
It's gotta be hard,
especially for two

  
obviously successful
people like yourselves.

  
I didn't know that's
what you were going for.

  
- Yeah.
- Well, thank you. I love you.

  
You know, this is
as good as any time.

  
I wanted
to tell all of you

  
that they're
talking partnership at the law firm.

  
- No.
- And I've been groomed by the COO,

  
so it's an almost
guaranteed slot in there.

  
- Great.
- Work work work.

  
Mauricio, all you talk about is work.
It's a holiday.

  
What's important is
everybody's here together.

  
We're all together now.
That's what's important.

  
- Yeah.
- That's great.

  
Doesn't matter.

  
I'm-- I'm gonna
go get the door.

  
Yeah, excuse me.

  
- One second.
- Uncle Edy, slap the dinosaur.

  
Hey. Please tell me you heard something.

  
- Hey.
- Hey.

  
Welcome--
welcome back.

  
Th-- thank you.

  
- Is that--
- That's Hector.

  
- My son.
- Really?

  
Oh. Hey.

  
- Say hi.
- How are you? Give me five.

  
That is a good-looking kid.

  
Had to circle the block
two times to find parking.

  
Hey, welcome back,
Jesse.

  
- Oh. Okay.
- Fernando.

  
Good to meet you.
Okay.

  
Hey, Mami. Hi.

  
Oh, hey, Mami.

  
- How are you?
- Who's the little boy?

  
Let's go upstairs.

  
Oh! This one is
the closest

  
I ever get to having
a grandchild.

  
Isn't he adorable?

  
Oh, yes.
Very very very cute.

  
Hector,
come on, behave.

  
Hey, how are you doing?
How's your mother?

  
Great. Thank you
for asking, Mr. Rodriguez.

  
Nice to see you. Oh, excuse me.

  
- I have to take this.
- Let's go say hi.

  
Yeah, hi.
Just give me one second.

  
Ma, since when did Dad get
all Dick Cheney on you?

  
Well, whoever it is, they must be
more important than his family.

  
- I've gotta finish dinner.
- Ma, what are you talking about?

  
- He didn't say that.
- Would you like any help?

  
No.

  
Is it weird being a mom?

  
You were there.
You remember Rick.

  
That jerk.
He was such a bad father.

  
As soon as Hector was born,
Rick just left.

  
- Rick just split.
- Yeah.

  
But things are going really well
with me and Fernando,

  
and he treats Hector
like his own son.

  
Wow.
That's great, girl.

  
I just really love
my job.

  
Gotta be so cool to have a teacher
like you in high school.

  
You're gonna get
this gig, okay?

  
My agent says he feels
really good about it.

  
You know that Mr. Murphy
still asks about you?

  
Really?

  
He says that you
were the best actor

  
to come out
of Roberto Clemente.

  
Oh, that's so sweet.
You know what?

  
I still have that
gold-plated statuette

  
that he gave me
for playing Blanche.

  
- Do you remember?
- Do you remember this song?

  
Do l?
It's my song, girl.

  
- Oh my God.
- Turn it up.

  
# I wanna sex you up... #

  
# Now let's pour
a glass of wine #

  
# 'Cause now we're all alone,
I've been waiting... #

  
Please tell me you are not auditioning
for any musicals.

  
Stop singing.
You're gonna break the mirror.

  
Were you two kissing?

  
- Johnny.
- I wanna watch.

  
Johnny, we're having
girl time.

  
- I can share.
- No, you can't.

  
- No! Oh yeah?
- Shut up. Whoa!

  
Don't mess my hair!
Don't mess my hair up!

  
- Oh, man.
- Help me!

  
Come on, man!
Oh!

  
Help me out!

  
- You swing like a girl!
- Get out of the way!

  
You want a piece
of me? Huh? Huh?

  
Don't! Jesse!

  
Oh my God.

  
You boys, tomorrow you've got to
help me take down this tree.

  
Come on, Dad.
It's a holiday, for crying out loud.

  
You still do hard work,
Mr. Lawyer Man?

  
Johnny, I work out.
What are you trying to say?

  
- He works out.
- Oh yeah, you work out

  
with your $65-an-hour
trainer/lover/boyfriend.

  
I bet your flabby ass
isn't lifting

  
60" plasmas
personally

  
to people's cars,
you pudgy bastard.

  
My ass isn't gonna be here tomorrow
chopping down no tree.

  
Big baby. Listen,
I've got a chainsaw.

  
Oh yeah, the one they used to make
Jesus's cross with.

  
It still works.
All it needs is a little oil.

  
We go to the zoo,
kidnap a couple of beavers.

  
They take it down for free.
They drag it away.

  
I've got a couple of chainsaws.
I can come by tomorrow.

  
Thanks a lot, Nando.

  
I can swing by too,
help you cut this down.

  
No, not you, Ozzy.
I need you at the store.

  
Why you want to cut
down the tree, Pop?

  
I promised
your mother a view.

  
And it's old.
Look at it.

  
The base is weak.
It's leaning over to one side.

  
It's no good no more.

  
Is that you you're talking
about or the tree?

  
Oh! Oh!

  
Dig into that.

  
No thanks.
Can you believe--

  
- I finally got him to sleep.
- He's down? Good.

  
It used to be
Logan Boulevard.

  
It used to be
a mattress store.

  
Somebody made
me pay for it.

  
Why is
everybody fighting?

  
They're not fighting.
They conversating.

  
Mom, you may be a drug dealer
by giving me that stuff there.

  
I thought it was Roxie's.

  
Attention, por favor,
por favor.

  
I'd just like
to say something.

  
It's fantastic that
we're all together.

  
Gracia, Dio,
that we're safe, home

  
- and warm, indoors.
- Good one, Dad.

  
I'd like to propose a toast--

  
Oh, good timing.

  
Excuse me.

  
There's something
I'd like to say.

  
I'm divorcing your father.

  
That's crazy.

  
That's not a toast, okay?
Come on.

  
That's not even funny.
What is that?

  
Why? Mom, stop, please.

  
That don't sound like a toast to me.

  
- Come on. Stop that, Ma.
- Mom.

  
- Coņo.
- Why? You've been married for 36 years.

  
- You can't--
- So?

  
"So"?
You're old.

  
Who are you calling old?

  
I've got a lot
of life left in me.

  
Who do you think kept
all of this together?

  
I don't need him.

  
Well, if that's
what you want to do...

  
- What?
-...I can't stop you.

  
What?
What is going on?

  
I'm gonna step out
for a minute, get some air.

  
Ozzy, come on.

  
- Excuse me.
- Happy?

  
Dad, did you cheat
on her again?

  
- Papi, you cheated?
- You didn't tell me that.

  
- Sarah, stay out of it.
- Papi?

  
Did you cheat again?

  
Is that what
your mother thinks?

  
Mysterious phone calls
all the time.

  
You disappear
in the middle of the day.

  
Ay, Papi! How could you?
How could you?

  
Don't raise your voice
to me in my own house!

  
You know what?
I'm disgusted with both of you.

  
I'm so disgusted.

  
What, are you gonna
date other people?

  
For starters.

  
Oh! Excuse me.
This is making me sick.

  
Come on, Jesse.
Jump in any time you feel like.

  
Say something, will you?
Come on.

  
- It's their life.
- What? "It's their life"?

  
"It's their life"?

  
Three years in lraq,
and this is the wisdom you have to offer?

  
- Oh!
- It's their life. Wow.

  
That's great.
Thanks, Dad, for doing this to us.

  
Thank you for ruining our lives.
Thank you so much for that.

  
Why don't you relax?
Why don't you leave Pop alone?

  
- This isn't about you.
- That's it. Take that side.

  
- I'm not taking a side.
- Of course you are.

  
Why don't you two become roommates
and go hang out at Starbucks

  
Iike the losers you are
because you screwed up

  
the best things
you ever had in your lives?

  
Mo!

  
I'm gonna take
Hector home.

  
- Yeah.
- Thank you for dinner.

  
- And thanks so much, Mo.
- I'm sorry.

  
Thank you.

  
I'm sorry, Jesse.
I got a little hot-headed.

  
Just-- just--
bro, just...

  
I think you've
said enough, man.

  
Jesse, I said
I was sorry.

  
- Hey. Hey.
- Yeah.

  
Why'd you have to call out
your brother like that?

  
Because I'm the only one--

  
After all
he's been through?!

  
You should concentrate
on your own relationship

  
instead of worrying
about everybody else's.

  
Well, merry goddamn
Christmas, everybody.

  
Stop.

  
Go to your room.

  
You know what?
I'm gonna do you one better, Ma.

  
Come on, Sarah.
Let's go to the Drake.

  
I haven't finished
eating yet.

  
Yeah, whatever.

  
Did you like
the tostones?

  
Delectable.

  
Nata de coco?

  
I'd love some.

  
Look, do you have
a Marriott or a Radisson?

  
A Motel 8?

  
Look, I'll take an empty jail cell--
anything you've got.

  
- Have you gone off your meds?
- Yeah, okay.

  
Thank you very much.

  
Let me know
if anything opens up.

  
Piece of shit.

  
Sarah, let me have
your Crackberry.

  
I'm gonna call hotels.com,
see if they've got anything.

  
I know you're freaked out about this
whole divorce thing,

  
but don't you think we should stay here
and be supportive?

  
Supportive of them throwing 36 years
of their marriage down the toilet?

  
Are you kidding?
Give me that.

  
Do you want to make things worse
for your mother?

  
Her husband
cheated on her.

  
And this is coming
from the woman who reserved two rows

  
for her parents' exes at our wedding.
Just give me that.

  
- No.
- Come on. Give it to me now.

  
- No.
- Sarah, I'm gonna take it from you.

  
- We're staying here.
- No, we're not staying.

  
You've been bugging me for months
to stay in a hotel.

  
- Shh!
- We're not gonna stay--

  
- Shh! Do you want them to hear you?
- What?

  
Are you afraid they might find out
you think this place...

  
stinks of fried pork
and chuleta, tocineta, puņeta?

  
Well, somebody's been
a naughty little girl.

  
You've been emailing back and forth
with this Barry Kravitz, huh?

  
Didn't you tell me you turned his job
offer down months ago

  
because of the traveling and
the crazy hours, the pressure?

  
They came back.
They sweetened the deal.

  
And heofferedto back

  
Brian Donaldson and l
in our own hedge fund.

  
We would be managing
$300 million just to start.

  
- $300 mi--
- Yeah.

  
And use of the private jet too.
Look at that.

  
Pretty sweet.
Congratulations.

  
That's great.

  
When were you planning
to break it to me gently?

  
I just--

  
I just needed
a little time to think it over alone.

  
Requesting a bunk,
Lance Corporal.

  
You're gonna
sleep in here?

  
Your mother threw me
out of the bedroom.

  
And you act surprised.

  
Mijo, life is
full of surprises.

  
- Oh.
- Everybody down at the bodega,

  
they're all dying
to talk to you.

  
Anyway, this gives us
a chance to catch up.

  
I'm worried
about you and Ma.

  
Yeah? We're more
worried about you.

  
I'm fine.

  
You know, Jesse,

  
we know you've
been through a lot.

  
Your mother and me,
we rented "Coming Home."

  
I'm surprised you didn't rent
"Taxi Driver."

  
Yeah, we rented
that too.

  
It's not good to keep things
bottled up inside.

  
You've seen some stuff--
some really bad stuff.

  
It's a war, Pop.

  
And you did
your very best.

  
You did.

  
It should've been me...

  
not Lenny.

  
Beating yourself up
isn't going to bring him back, mijo.

  
And if Lenny was
here right now,

  
he'd tell you
he'd want you to move on.

  
His folks...

  
I can't imagine they're
having too many laughs now.

  
No.

  
You call them?
It might help.

  
You know, Dad,

  
it's getting late.

  
Yeah, okay.

  
Jesus, Mo,
you scared me.

  
What are
you doing up here?

  
I'm just trying
to be alone, okay?

  
I've got tequila.

  
- All right, you can stay.
- I know.

  
- What a night.
- What, is this hell?

  
- Are we in hell or what?
- Yeah.

  
Hm-mmm.
Hm-mmm.

  
- It's 10 below outside.
- No way. No way.

  
Mom won't let me smoke inside.
Go crack open a window!

  
I'm not cracking a window.
I'm not smoking your pollution.

  
- Fine. Fine.
- How about that? I saved your life.

  
- Crack that.
- How come I didn't get an invite?

  
- None needed.
- No jarheads allowed, man.

  
- Ow!
- Easy!

  
- Give me that.
- You having a flashback?

  
Wow.

  
It's like all I need is
to be smoking a blunt

  
and listening
to Biggie Smalls.

  
I lost my virginity
on that couch.

  
- Me too!
- Oh, God. Hail the syphilis!

  
- Oh God, hail you.
- Move move.

  
Don't be mad 'cause
you were up here all alone

  
practicing dance moves
in your underwear.

  
Stop it.
Stop stop.

  
- Stop it.
- Please don't do it in those.

  
Hey, that reminds me

  
I haven't seen Dad in his underwear
in a long time.

  
- It is not pretty.
- Is this pretty?

  
Ma kicked him out of the room
and he's staying with me.

  
He deserves it.

  
How come you never told us
about him cheating before?

  
'Cause, Rox, I didn't
see anything.

  
I caught him with that little Rosa Salgado,
little Pentecostal chick.

  
Dad just gives me $100.

  
He says, "Here,
don't say nothing."

  
And you'd think he'd be too old
for that shit now.

  
Rox, they've got
Viagra now.

  
We're gonna be those kids that have
to shuttle between houses at Christmas.

  
No, Rox.
No we're not.

  
- No?
- No, because they're gonna sell this house

  
and they gonna move
into separate apartments.

  
And we're gonna have to stay in a hotel
when we come into town?

  
No.

  
I know Mauricio and Sarah
wouldn't mind that.

  
- The walls are thin, bro.
- Oh yeah?

  
- Why don't you mind your business?
- Ma's always talking about

  
moving to Puerto Rico.
She might actually do it now.

  
It'd be kind of sweet
to have a place out there.

  
- Did you just say kinda sweet?
- Yeah.

  
So you're okay with Pops moving into
a studio apartment

  
and heating up leftovers?
You're fine with that?

  
Oh, do you realize
this is probably

  
the last Christmas
that we'll spend together?

  
Why, Rox?
Why is it gonna be the last?

  
Why don't we do something?
We're gonna let them throw away

  
36 years of their marriage?
We're just gonna sit and talk about it?

  
He broke her trust!
How can she forgive him for that?

  
- What don't you understand?
- Yeah, Ma has every right to leave.

  
Hey, do you hear
yourselves?

  
You know what
you sound like?

  
You sound like people
who aren't married.

  
Let me tell you
about marriage, all right?

  
Sometimes you're in it, you feel like you
don't want the same things anymore

  
and you start going
at each other.

  
And you go at each other,
but you stick it through.

  
And at the end of that
you fall in love all over again.

  
Andthat's marriage, okay?

  
So don't tell me that Mom and Dad,
after all these years,

  
don't got a little bit of love left for each
other, 'cause I'm not buying that.

  
Preciosos,
I made some pastelillos.

  
Ah. Uh-huh.
You're tired.

  
Why did you have to drag
these boys out of bed?

  
- We're fine, Ma.
- For 25 years,

  
I've been begging you
to cut down that ugly tree,

  
and all of a sudden
you're gonna do it right now?

  
- Can I help you with that?
- No.

  
You've still
got it, Mamita.

  
Dirty old man.

  
Here, how about
some hot chocolate?

  
- Come on.
- Okay, say thank you.

  
- Thank you.
- Hey, Sarah.

  
I made some pastelillos.

  
- Have one.
- No, I'm going for a jog.

  
Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot to fix the treadmill
in the guest room.

  
How is she going
to get pregnant

  
with all that
bouncing up and down?

  
Enough, all right?
Just leave her alone.

  
Here here here,
eat something.

  
And what, are you drunk?
Still drunk?

  
- Ma, please.
- I can't believe you spent all night

  
getting drunk
with your brothers.

  
She's a bad influence, Ma.

  
Hey, Fernando.

  
You want
some hot chocolate?

  
No thanks.
I'm all set, Mrs. Rodriguez.

  
You're killing me.

  
Yeah!

  
This is an SR36 Wood Boss.

  
Whoa whoa!
No! Stop!

  
Turn it off!
Turn it off!

  
- What's the problem?
- It's fine.

  
But we're gonna
use mine.

  
This is a Sears
Chainomatic 
  
- I remember that.
- Oh, Dad, come on.

  
Chuck Norris was
on the box.

  
Everybody, careful.
Stand back.

  
That looks really dangerous.

  
Hmm?

  
You overcompensated a little bit, Dad.

  
- Coņo.
- What? What?

  
'Cause he's got a little thingy.

  
- Oh.
- Ooh.

  
Your man sure is good
with his tool, honey.

  
Mm-hmm, and he's really
good with his hands too.

  
Marissa,
there's a child here.

  
Please, he's three, Ma.
He doesn't get innuendo.

  
Come on, give it
some force, man.

  
Yo, whoa whoa whoa.

  
- Step back.
- Show him how it's done, Jesse.

  
- Careful.
- Be careful.

  
Show him how it's done.

  
Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

  
Now that's
in innuendo, girl.

  
I bet my boy Jesse
right there--

  
$20 my boy Jesse gets
that tree down.

  
I'd take Fernando.

  
Hey, you back off,
Barbie.

  
I didn't mean it that way.
It's just that he's big.

  
His muscles are big.

  
And l--
oh, you guys.

  
Hey hey hey hey!

  
Don't hurt
yourself, man.

  
What happened?
What happened?

  
It's okay,
tough guy.

  
Let's see it, Nando.
Let's see what you've got.

  
Holy cow.

  
- Oh no.
- What the hell?

  
- It's cursed, Ma!
- Son of a--

  
Syphilitic tree.
Let me try it.

  
- Hold on, hold on.
- Let a real man do it.

  
Oh no.
Stop him, please.

  
- Oh no, he isn't.
- Oh, boy.

  
- No, Mo.
- I got it. All right.

  
Back off, lraq.

  
Are you gonna put money
down on your husband?

  
That he seriously
hurts himself?

  
$20. Sure why not?

  
Mauricio!
Put it down.

  
Relax. Relax, Mom.
I've got it.

  
You can do it.
I've got $20 on you.

  
This little--
the black cord?

  
Right there. Right there.
The black cord.

  
Yeah.

  
- You hear that?
- Whoa whoa whoa!

  
Somebody do something!

  
Thank you.
Thank you.

  
- Thanks, Sarah.

  
- Mauricio, put it down!
- Told you.

  
- Don't yell at me.
- Put it down!

  
- Get in the house!
- I've got it.

  
Put it down.

  
You're embarrassing me
in front of everybody.

  
I told you--
get in the house.

  
Huh?
What do you think?

  
It looks great, Dad.

  
I don't know
what to say.

  
- Come on.
- What?

  
Find something to do.

  
Oh, my babies!

  
- Oh, my movie star!
- How you doing?

  
- You look great.
- Thanks.

  
God bless you, baby.
You know, I prayed for you every day.

  
I had to. I know how
the military is.

  
- Yeah.
- Hey, y'all! My baby was on the front line!

  
Figures. They like to cut
the dark meat first,

  
if you know what I'm saying.
I'll tell you what it is.

  
It's Uncle Sam trying
to get rid of y'all Latinos.

  
You know, they lure you in
promising you citizenship.

  
You don't even have to
have a green card to serve.

  
- Oh, come on, Tina.
- Oh, you know it's true, white boy.

  
You find everything?

  
Yeah, I'm cool.

  
These high-end magazines
must be your touch,

  
'cause the only thing
my Pops reads

  
is "The Sun Times"
and "La Opiniķn."

  
You want to see
something really cool?

  
Check this out. It's all about what's
happening underground

  
with music, art, theater--
that kind of stuff.

  
- Mmm.
- You ever think about doing theater?

  
Yeah, I started
in theater.

  
But I'm just focused
on film and TV now.

  
Yeah. You know
what you should do?

  
- Telenovela.
- Oh, yeah, right.

  
Rogelio,

  
why didn't you tell me
before we slept together

  
you were once
married to my mother!

  
Because when you climaxed
and screamed "l love you, Papi,"

  
- I thought you already knew.
- You watch that?

  
Y'all gotta pay,
'cause I ain't got money for y'all.

  
That's just crazy.

  
You all right, baby?
Ozzy!

  
- Whoa whoa.
- Ozzy!

  
- We gotta go.
- What about the beer?

  
- Come on.
- You okay?

  
Yeah.

  
These were on sale yesterday.
You missed it.

  
I see everyone at the store is
still crazy, huh?

  
Yeah yeah.

  
Look. Your old man
finally modernized.

  
This new system lets
you know how much you're wasting,

  
so you can cost
things out better.

  
Last week we took 3ĸ off
a pound of pork chops.

  
- You actually know how to use that thing?
- Not really.

  
Ozzy usually
prints it out,

  
but I want everything running
like a well-oiled machine

  
for when you take over.
You'll get the hang of this in no time.

  
And you've always got Ozzy.

  
So when do you think
you can start?

  
Uh, look, Dad, l--

  
Look, it'll help you take
your mind off things.

  
- I'm-- I'm sorry.
- No, it's...

  
You're barely home,
for Christ's sake.

  
You take-- you rest up.
You take your time.

  
You come to work
when you're ready.

  
Okay.

  
- Yo, Jesse, let's go hang downtown.
- What's up?

  
I've got a couple of rich honeys waiting
for us down there.

  
- No no, I'm cool, brother.
- Why not?

  
What you mean,
you're cool, man?

  
Come on, bro.

  
I saw the look.

  
What look?

  
What look?

  
Well, don't do it, okay?

  
- What?
- I know Marissa is all cool.

  
She's still fine after
all her baby-mama drama.

  
- Whatever.
- Come on, bro.

  
APuerto Ricanwoman--

  
she's never gonna forgive
that you dropped her, bro.

  
- That you dumped her like that.
- I didn't--

  
Forget that, all right?
Even if you guys were

  
to get back together,
she's gonna seem nice,

  
but she gonna make you pay
for that shit every day.

  
They're like that, bro.

  
You don't know what are
you talking about.

  
What do you mean?
A million years from now

  
aliens could come down,
they resurrect her ass.

  
What's the first thing
she's gonna say?

  
"Where is that
son of a bitch Jesse?"

  
No. We could
be friends, bro.

  
"We could be friends."

  
That's white people shit.

  
- All right, Johnny.
- Come on. Jesse, yo!

  
What?

  
Marissa! Hey!

  
Jesse, what are
you doing here?

  
I remembered you used to
take this path to work.

  
- Can I talk to you for a second?
- No, I'm late for work.

  
- Well, we can walk and talk.
- No no no.

  
I thought that I could
do this friend thing, but I can't.

  
Five years together
and you break up with me in a letter.

  
You didn't even have
the guts to tell me before you left.

  
You think I knew
what the hell I wanted?

  
I was 23,
claustrophobic,

  
Mauricio and Roxanna were
off doing their thing.

  
I just needed
to get out too!

  
I thought all my life's major
questions were answered.

  
I had you,
I had the bodega.

  
If I was gonna make it,
I had to move on!

  
- And I knew that you did too.
- You--

  
you tore my world apart!

  
And there was nothing
that I could do about it.

  
Believe me, if I had known the way
things were gonna turn out,

  
- I would have never gone.
- I suppose I can't even get mad at you

  
- because you're a goddamn war hero.
- I'm not.

  
Please.

  
A guy in my unit died
because of me!

  
My buddy Lenny.

  
He was this funny kid
from Wisconsin.

  
He always wore

  
his high school basketball jersey
underneath his fatigues.

  
Anyway...

  
we had taken up position
in this abandoned house.

  
Insurgents had left
all this food behind.

  
We were hunkered
in there for the night,

  
so Whitey,
our squad leader,

  
said that he would treat us
to a home-cooked meal.

  
I was on lookout
at the window.

  
Lenny made me
switch with him.

  
I maybe had,
like, three bites

  
and some asshole launched an RPG
right through the window.

  
Lenny's--

  
Lenny's body was blown
back to the table.

  
And do you know
how I felt?

  
I was happy.

  
I-I was so happy

  
to be alive.

  
I'm so sorry, Jesse.

  
Yeah.

  
I was the lucky one.

  
Yeah.

  
His poor family.

  
Have you talked
to them?

  
No.

  
It wouldn't make
a difference.

  
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

  
He was
their only son.

  
Ahem.

  
Jesse.

  
Hey, Father Torres.
Good to see you.

  
Nice to have you home, son.
Any more soy sauce?

  
Jesse, look.
I've taken it upon myself

  
to bring Father Torres here
to talk to Mom and Dad.

  
- So just go with it, please. Okay?
- And where's Mom?

  
She went out for happy hour
with Cheryl and Gladys.

  
- Seriously?
- Yeah.

  
She can go if she wants.
She's a grown woman.

  
You know she's gonna
kill you, right?

  
Yeah, I'll take my chances.
Go sit down.

  
Okay, everybody,
just-- please.

  
Hi, baby.

  
I'm sorry I embarrassed
you this morning.

  
It's okay, Mom. I just wanted to tell you
that Father Torres is here.

  
Ay, Dios mio.
Who died?

  
Nobody died, Ma.
Before you say no-- don't say no--

  
I brought Father Torres here to talk to
you and Dad about the divorce, okay?

  
- Please, Ma.
- No!

  
You've got to think this through before
you go through with it.

  
- Did he tell you to do this?
- No, Dad had nothing to do with it.

  
- I'm going upstairs.
- Ma, you're not going anywhere.

  
You're going out there
to talk to Father Torres.

  
Do you know the mouth
on that man?

  
The whole neighborhood's
going to know.

  
- This is about your family.
- I didn't make any food.

  
It doesn't matter.
Sarah ordered Chinese food.

  
- She gave him takeout?
- Yes, Ma.

  
Go out there.
Be brave.

  
Father Torres,
so nice to see you.

  
Do you, um...

  
I could fix you some
real food if you'd like.

  
Don't trouble yourself.
I'll be fine with a couple of these eggrolls

  
and some more coquito.
Your son tells me

  
that you and Edy are
contemplating divorce.

  
Oh no no, Father, no.

  
I am getting a divorce.

  
See, my husband
broke his vows

  
and sinned against God.

  
Father, it's Christmas.
How about a little sermon

  
about Jesus being born
so we can be forgiven for our sins?

  
I'm not changing my mind.

  
Now I am sorry, Father,

  
that my son dragged you
all the way out here

  
for takeout because
these women can't cook.

  
It's the least
I can do.

  
No wonder I don't
have a grandchild.

  
That's what you can
do for me, Father.

  
Can I get some more
rum for my coquito?

  
Pray that I will hold

  
- a grandchild before I'm dead.
- Here we go again.

  
Maybe there are reasons why they're
holding back on having children.

  
He'd rather take care of
a hedge fund than a baby.

  
- You went crying to your mother?
- I didn't go crying.

  
- It wasn't really crying.
- Can you blame him?

  
What did you expect?

  
With all this traveling
and all these hours

  
with a hedge fund, the only sex
he'll be having is on the phone.

  
Oh, no no.

  
He'll be lucky
if he gets that.

  
You know,
the only reason

  
that he wants a baby now

  
is so that he can try
to one-up Jesse

  
in pleasing you
and Edyberto.

  
- What the hell's she talking about?
- That's not true, Sarah.

  
- Yes it is.
- You take one psych course at Brandeis

  
- and you're Sigmund Freud?
- Excuse us, Father.

  
Anna, Edy, perhaps you should
think about the family.

  
- We'd be fine.
- No we wouldn't be fine.

  
You'd still have your
mommy to run home to.

  
Look, daddy's girl,
I know for a fact I'm not the only one

  
you call when you're
strapped for cash.

  
She needed money
for head shots.

  
You sent her money
behind my back?

  
- Don't talk to me anymore.
- Do you see?

  
Do you see the lies
that I have to put up with, Father?

  
What does Roxanna need
money for a head shot for?

  
- She's a star.
- Ma, I'm not a star.

  
Okay?
I'm not a star. That's it.

  
Everybody thinks I live this
glamorous life in Hollywood

  
when I can barely pay
my rent on a dumpy studio

  
and the payments
on a 1999 Kia.

  
- What?
- God!

  
You know what?
I just wish I could have my life

  
handed to me on a silver platter
like Jesse over here.

  
- Oh, hell yeah.
- Yeah.

  
The prodigal son returns and the rest
of us just get pushed to the side

  
'cause the little prince is here.
Everything for the little prince.

  
- Is that what you think?
- Yeah, that's what I think, Jesse.

  
Why don't one of you come home
and take care of the bodega?

  
Can we all
just calm down?

  
Because you're off living
your own lives, right?

  
What about my life?

  
I try to get out and do l
end up in New York or LA?

  
No, I end up in lraq.

  
And what do I got
to show for it?

  
And you think I can just
come home and run the bodega?

  
- Bodegas are good businesses.
- I'm not gonna run the bodega!

  
And that's the voice of God,
ladies and gentlemen.

  
- Maybe we should say a prayer.
- Shut up!

  
So what are you
gonna do?

  
I'm gonna--

  
I'm gonna go back
to lraq.

  
I'm gonna sign up
for another tour.

  
- Mijo, that's not gonna change anything.
- Maybe.

  
But at least there I feel
like I have some purpose.

  
- Jesse.
- No.

  
No no no no.

  
I just wish we hadn't let him

  
sign up
in the first place.

  
There are a lot of things
I wish I hadn't done.

  
Well, you can't take
them back now, can you?

  
What's done is done.

  
Where's Mauricio?

  
Look, I'm sorry
about what I said.

  
I do want
to have a baby.

  
I just don't understand why
it has to be this second,

  
when I've got this
huge opportunity.

  
I'm not stupid.
I understand that I can't have it all.

  
That at 36, my fertility

  
is going into a freefall

  
and that I may have
to use the eggs

  
of some attractive
lvy League student

  
who wants to get ahead
on paying off their student loans.

  
Look, I'd be happy to adopt.

  
But Mauricio being a Latin
doesn't feel the same way.

  
I promise we will
have children.

  
It may not be this second,

  
but we will someday,
okay?

  
That doesn't make you
feel any better?

  
Jesse's going to sign up
for another tour in lraq.

  
I'm so sorry.

  
Mauricio and the kids
went down to Julio's Bar.

  
You want me to drive
you down there?

  
This music is beautiful.

  
Anna and l, we danced
the first time we met to this song.

  
Mauricio was conceived
to this song.

  
Okay, I don't think I needed
to hear all that.

  
In the glove compartment,
there's medicine.

  
- Which one?
- The green cap.

  
Here.

  
Don't tell anyone, Sarah.

  
Please.

  
Does Anna know?

  
I just want to enjoy
Christmas with my family.

  
Not that they
make it so easy.

  
I love you guys so much.

  
- I love you too, Sarah.
- I do.

  
- We love you too, baby. It's okay.
- Let's dance.

  
- No, I don't want to--
- Get a room.

  
Come on.
Come on.

  
All right.
I don't need to be here.

  
I think he slipped
her a hit of E.

  
- Think he wants a kid that bad?
- Yeah.

  
All you got to do is look at a Puerto Rican
girl to get her pregnant.

  
- Shut up.
- Come on, come on.

  
- Whoo-hoo.
-  Mira.

  
This is what a real women
looks like with a burka.

  
Right? You go, lady.
Come on, you go now.

  
Wrap our soldier boy
over there

  
with some red, white
and blue love.

  
Your friend here says you
got shot up pretty bad.

  
Oh, yeah yeah yeah.
They shot off his dick.

  
But then they replaced
it with a bionic one

  
and he could jack up a car
and change the tire

  
at the same time.

  
Really?

  
I'm just kidding.
Excuse me. I'm sorry.

  
He's still got all his factory parts,
right, Papi?

  
So you wanna dance?

  
Jesse, don't you dare. Jesse.

  
- I'm-- I'm cool.
- Come on, bro.

  
- Go, man, go.
- He's cool.

  
You heard him,
he's cool.

  
Oh no.

  
That's my song.
That's my song, y'all.

  
- Yo, that's my song.
- Oh no.

  
Oh, yes.
Go get 'em, Mo.

  
Come on.
Come on.

  
Oh, he likes that.

  
Come on, Mo.
Yeah!

  
You got moves.
You go, boy, yeah!

  
Go Mo. Go Mo.

  
- Oh!
- Oh!

  
Go Mo.
Go Mo.

  
Oh!

  
- Ay yi yi yi yi...
- Whoo!

  
God, it feels good
to be back.

  
- Help me, Sarah.
- That was great.

  
My coccyx.
I broke my coccyx.

  
All I'm asking is
if a shot is $5,

  
- how much for a sip?
- A sip?

  
Yeah, a sip.
Just a half a shot maybe.

  
Can you please take
that thing down?

  
Why? You the biggest star
to come out of this neighborhood.

  
Can I buy you a round?

  
Wow. I can't believe it.
You guys are gonna pay for something?

  
I'm only cheap
when it comes to me.

  
- How much is her drink?
- $8.

  
- What if she doesn't drink all of it?
- Never mind.

  
Could I please have some
change for the jukebox?

  
Thanks.

  
Is there something
you want to tell me?

  
No.

  
- Is there something you want to tell me?
- About?

  
Ozzy.

  
Come on, you have to admit
he's really hot.

  
He's a thug.

  
No, he hasn't been messed up
in that shit for a while.

  
Yeah, well, we'll see
how long that lasts.

  
- What does that mean?
- Nothing.

  
Just seeing Alexis again
made me remember how bad things got.

  
My agent.

  
- They called.
- And?

  
Roger rushed off
to his anger management class

  
- and didn't say anything.
- Is that it?

  
You told me to call
you if I heard anything.

  
Well, you know, maybe they
called about something else.

  
Or maybe they just didn't want
to ruin my Christmas.

  
Please. All right look, girl,
I've got to jump.

  
- I'll hit you later.
- Wait.

  
Bye.

  
This ain't Cali, girl. They ain't gonna arrest
you for smoking inside.

  
I had to use the phone.

  
- Want to go for a walk?
- No.

  
I don't want
to leave my girl.

  
- Oh, really?
- Really.

  
Maybe we should give
'em some space.

  
Come on, let's go.

  
- Come on.
- I don't know.

  
Cabby!

  
Someplace a little more quiet.

  
Come on, I just want
to talk to you.

  
Hola, mi amor.

  
Hey.

  
- Jesse.
- Hey.

  
Can I buy
you guys a drink?

  
- I'm cool.
- No.

  
So why did it take you
three years to come back?

  
God, I've just been
crazy busy, you know?

  
If it's not one thing,
it's something else.

  
Shit, who am I kidding?

  
I'm sure
you've heard everything.

  
You'll catch a break.
You just--

  
you just got
to hang in there.

  
Caught a break.

  
What if I'm waiting
on something that never happens?

  
How much more time
should I waste?

  
A year?
Two? 10?

  
Stuck in the same place while everybody
else's life is moving forward.

  
So what are you gonna do?
Move back?

  
Yeah, maybe.
I don't know.

  
That wouldn't be
the worst thing, right?

  
I never thought I'd hear
that coming from you.

  
I'm 29 years old

  
and I'm sick and tired of someone else
deciding my fate

  
when I'm just as good
if not better

  
than most of the actresses
out there.

  
- They don't know me.
- You are good.

  
Like that time that you played
that homeless chick in "One Way Ticket."

  
- You saw that?
- Are you kidding?

  
You killed it.
You're like the Puerto Rican Meryl Streep.

  
Yeah, right.

  
Your parents made us watch
the DVD like five times.

  
- Of course they did.
- Yeah.

  
Look, don't tell
anybody what I said.

  
All right?
I'm all over the place right now.

  
I'll think about it.

  
You'll think about it?

  
- Don't make me kick your ass.
- You got to catch me.

  
- Kick my ass.
- Don't make--

  
- Kick my ass. What?
- I will kick your ass.

  
Why are you running?
Why are you running?

  
We didn't use protection.

  
Nope. You said you wanted
to make a baby.

  
I was completely loaded.

  
In vino veritas.

  
Oh, really?
Oh, really?

  
And I probably told the bartender
he looked like George Clooney.

  
Mm-hmm.
Among other things.

  
What's the date?
What's the date?

  
What is the date?

  
It's Christmas Eve,
December 24th.

  
Okay, that public library
event, I had my period.

  
- What are you doing?
- That's 19 days.

  
Okay, I'm okay.
We're okay.

  
I think we're okay.
I hope we're okay.

  
Mauricio, how could you take
advantage of me like that?

  
I didn't take
advantage of you.

  
- You took advantage of me.
- Oh!

  
You don't want to make
a baby anymore?

  
Oh, well, I just think
it's something

  
that we should be discussing
while I'm sober.

  
Okay, all right, all right.
You're sober now.

  
Let's discuss this.

  
Do you or don't you want
to make a baby with me?

  
I don't--
I don't want to talk about this.

  
I feel like shit.

  
Oh my God.

  
The colors in this room
are inducing a migraine.

  
Does that mean we're not
gonna try again?

  
Oh, eat me.

  
Don't even
think about it.

  
Merry Christmas, everyone.

  
Oh, you got moves.

  
No bad.
Now you spin.

  
Coquito, ladies?

  
Ozzy.

  
Ozzy, gracia, amigo.

  
Thank you, Edy.

  
- Uli, Uli. Feliz Navidad.
- Thank you.

  
Tina.

  
Hello? Excuse me.
I'll be right back.

  
- Come on, baby.
- No.

  
- Coquito?
- Oh no.

  
- You think I don't know?
- Know what?

  
That every year your father gets me drunk
at the Christmas party

  
so I don't notice
how light my envelope is.

  
- Come on.
- Huh-uh, not gonna have any of that stuff

  
until I see the size
of my Christmas bonus.

  
All right.
Okay.

  
Not gonna trick me again.

  
Dad.

  
The rest of the checks.

  
- Yeah, I got it.
- All right.

  
Go. You go.

  
Go hang out with
Johnny or something.

  
Don't feel like you've got
to stick around here.

  
Dad, look, I know you're not
happy about me going back.

  
Of course I'm not.

  
Jesse, I'm your father.
I want you safe.

  
I want you here.

  
I'm sorry.

  
How can I make
you understand?

  
You can't.
Just like I can't make you stay.

  
There's a point when all a father can do
is just get out of the way.

  
Thanks, Dad.

  
I'd better give
Tina her check.

  
Otherwise she's gonna
start the revolution.

  
Any word?

  
No, I'm just texting
my girl.

  
What are you telling her?

  
How much you had last night
in the fine city of Chicago?

  
No, I'm telling her how
freaking freezing it is here.

  
Cali had made you
all soft, girl.

  
You move back here,
you'll be wearing hot pants in this weather.

  
Yeah, well, hopefully
I'll get this show.

  
Yeah, I hope so.

  
Hey, I had a really
good time last night.

  
- Great time last night.
- Me too.

  
Really good time.

  
But I just don't want you
to get the wrong impression.

  
Nah, come on.
You're like a sister to me.

  
Yeah, that's what I told
Jesse this morning.

  
That you're like a brother
and it's just weird.

  
Don't even worry about it.

  
- I'm gonna grab a drink.
- Okay.

  
I'll see you later?

  
Okay.

  
Mira eso.

  
Sarah, you've been practicing
for the parranda.

  
I'm trying. I didn't exactly grow up
singing Christmas carols.

  
No, you're doing great.

  
I can't tell you
what this means to me.

  
I look forward to
the parranda all year.

  
You must be
looking for this.

  
Thank you.

  
Listen, thank you
for keeping my secret.

  
Look, Edyberto,

  
I really appreciate
your trust in me.

  
Who else can I trust? You're the only one
who's not Puerto Rican in this house.

  
But I really think
you need to tell them.

  
I'll tell them soon enough.

  
Life is short, Sarah.

  
I don't want anything to get in the way
of them having a good time.

  
- You understand?
- Pop, where are the mitten warmers?

  
Yeah, coming.

  
No no no no no.

  
- Keep practicing.
- Mm-hmm.

  
Guys, come on. Hurry up.

  
Vamos pa' la parranda.

  
Here we go.
Here we go.

  
Anna, Roxanna,
vámonos.

  
- There they go.
- # The first noel... #

  
- Merry Christmas.
- # The angels did say #

  
# Was to certain
poor shepherds #

  
# In fields
where they lay #

  
- # Noel, noel... #
- La parranda!

  
# Noel, noel #

  
# Born isthe king #

  
# Of lsrael. #

  
# Come all ye faithful #

  
# Joyful and triumphant #

  
# O come ye #

  
# O come ye #

  
#To Bethlehem#

  
#Come and behold him#

  
# Born the king
of angels #

  
# O come let us
adore him #

  
# O come
let us adore him... #

  
Ozzy, come on.

  
Come on.

  
They're over here.
Give me the baby.

  
- Come on.
- They're right there.

  
# O come
all ye faithful #

  
# Joyful and triumphant #

  
# O come
all ye faithful #

  
# Joyful and triumphant #

  
# O come all ye faithful #

  
# Joyful and triumphant... #

  
# Joyful and triumphant. #

  
- Have you seen your brother?
- Yeah, he's over there.

  
Why aren't
you two dancing?

  
And compete with them?

  
Excuse me.

  
Where did you get these earrings?
I want to get a pair for Gladys.

  
- They're beautiful.
- Okay, you know the--

  
What's going on?

  
We're going
to midnight mass.

  
Hey, Edy.
I see you've met my new novio.

  
Tony.

  
A pleasure.

  
- You coming to church?
- Please.

  
He hasn't been to midnight
mass in over 20 years.

  
- I'd love to come.
- Great.

  
Vámonos.

  
Roxanna.
Roxanna.

  
- Bye, Ma.
- Bye.

  
Yo, say thanks, baby.

  
Come on, Rox.
What you got, baby?

  
So you still got
some moves, huh?

  
Depends on who
my partner is.

  
I'm sure you say that to
all the boys on the base.

  
- Stay away from my girl.
- We were just dancing.

  
Go get Ozzy.
Go get Ozzy.

  
Hey hey hey!

  
- You seen Ozzy?
- No, Mama, I ain't seen him.

  
Oh shit!

  
Ma.

  
You got to pick up
the pace, Ma.

  
I'm trying.
You got to be patient.

  
I can't wait for the sopadito
you're gonna cook for me upstairs.

  
We can have a party, you and me.
After all, it's Christmas.

  
You should apply
at the post office.

  
They hire extra people
at the holidays.

  
No, I will.
I'll do that on Monday. Okay, Mom?

  
I hope so.

  
Oh, merry Christmas.

  
Hey, Ma, you go
inside, okay?

  
Start that sopadito.
I got to talk to my boy here.

  
You sure?
You want to come in now?

  
No no, he's busy.
He's a busy guy.

  
Can't let you kill me
in front of my mom, man.

  
So you know why I'm here?

  
I guess it's payback time.

  
I'm ready, man.

  
I had 10 years
to be ready.

  
Let's go.

  
He was like a father
and mother to me.

  
It was either him or me, man.
It could have gone either way.

  
He was all I had.

  
I got nothing.

  
I got nothing!

  
Do what you got
to do, brother.

  
Come on.

  
- That you calling?
- Yeah, what the hell?

  
- You okay?
- Yeah.

  
- You must be cold.
- I'm fine.

  
How could you do it?

  
Anna, you're the only woman
I've ever loved.

  
And Suzy Lee?
You think I don't know her name?

  
There'll be plenty of time to discuss this
after the holidays.

  
I just want us
to enjoy the kids.

  
Enjoy Christmas.

  
Afterthe kidsaregone,

  
you and I have nothing
left to say to each other.

  
You can't focus.

  
I got this.

  
- A little of this.
- You're gonna get caught.

  
- A little of this.
- You're gonna get caught.

  
You'd better be careful.
Oh oh, oh-oh.

  
What's going on?
Heard you got into a fight with Fernando.

  
- Yeah yeah yeah.
- Fess up.

  
Well, when you love a woman you've got
to do anything for her, right?

  
I guess so.

  
Mauricio knows what
I'm talking about.

  
Never lose
that feeling, mijo.

  
You know how I got this?

  
Let me take a wild guess.

  
Yeah, why don't you just
take a stab in the dark?

  
Wrestling Manuel Santos
on the pier at Ponce.

  
- He was the featherweight...
-...champion of the world.

  
You laugh, you laugh.
The point is I never let him steal my girl.

  
- Never let him steal my girl.
- I'm proud of you.

  
Now I can't even
take down a goddamn tree

  
to give your mother a view.

  
We should just go out
there ourselves and take that tree down.

  
Let's go take
that tree down now.

  
Great idea.
Let's do it, Pop.

  
I've got some chains
in the basement.

  
Wrap them around,
tie them up to the car.

  
- Come on.
- Come on, get up.

  
You good?
All right, Pop.

  
- We're all good.
- Let me know when it's tight.

  
- Okay.
- Pedal to the metal. Come on.

  
Go go go go.

  
Go go go go.
Hey hey hey!

  
Whoa whoa whoa whoa.
Stop stop.

  
What are you doing?

  
- What the hell are you doing?
- What?

  
- Sure you don't want me to drive?
- No, I got it.

  
I can't wait to see your mother's face
in the morning when she sees this.

  
Mom's gonna freak.

  
Keep going. Go go go.

  
- That's it, that's it.
- Come on, Pop.

  
- Keep going.
- A little more.

  
- You got nothing, man.
- Come on, Dad.

  
You're looking good.
Go!

  
- Go go go go!
- Go!

  
Dad! Dad!

  
You could've been killed.
What were you thinking?

  
You wanted a view.
I was gonna give you a view.

  
Sorry, Mom, I shouldn't
have helped him.

  
I helped too. You got to take blame
for everything as well?

  
Don't listen to them.
I would've done it without them.

  
And I still will.
You watch me.

  
You better make sure you
get his head checked.

  
This is his medicine.

  
They might need this.

  
Ma!

  
- What happened?
- Is Dad okay?

  
Sit down.
All of you, please.

  
He didn't seem that
banged up, Mom, come on.

  
What is it?
Just say it.

  
I hate when you do this.
Just say it.

  
Your father has cancer.

  
What?

  
And here I was
going to leave him.

  
God's punishing me.

  
- They called his doctor in.
- Doctor?

  
So he knew?

  
How did he
keep this from us?

  
I don't know.

  
Me.

  
Hey, Uncle Edy, that tree looked a whole
lot worse than you did.

  
But it didn't go down,
so you better not go down.

  
- Oh, hi, Suzy Lee.
- Hey, Edy.

  
I'm Dr. Lee,
your dad's oncologist.

  
It's nice to finally
meet you all.

  
He's told me so many
great things about you.

  
We just want to know
the prognosis.

  
- Has he metastasized?
- Has he started chemo?

  
I know you've got a million questions
and I am more than happy to answer them.

  
I think your dad
needs some rest.

  
Why don't we meet
down in the cafeteria in about 20 minutes?

  
I'm Anna,
his wife.

  
Of course, Anna.
It's good to meet you.

  
- We'll talk in a few minutes.
- Okay.

  
She seems nice.

  
She's a gynecologist?

  
- Johnny.
- I'm just kidding. Come on.

  
Give me a few moments
with your mother.

  
Yeah.

  
Hey, let's go.

  
Papi!

  
Ay, mijo.

  
It's okay.
It's okay.

  
It's okay.
Go on.

  
Mi amor.

  
Estúpido.

  
Why didn't you tell me?

  
I wanted us to enjoy
the time we have.

  
How do you think
it's enjoyable

  
for me to think
you're with another woman?

  
I'm sorry.

  
But when you started going
on about the divorce,

  
I thought, maybe this
is a good thing.

  
Maybe this way
she'll know

  
that she can be happy
when I'm not around.

  
You silly man.

  
What am I going
to do with you?

  
How could you not tell me, Sarah?
You didn't tell me.

  
When are you going to trust
in the fact that I love you?

  
Your dad loves you,
Mauricio.

  
Just because I love my job
doesn't mean I love you less.

  
You'll see that when
we have kids of our own.

  
Don't worry about
the kid thing.

  
I'm getting used to the idea
of not having kids anyway.

  
I want to start trying
right away.

  
Life is short, right?

  
- Yeah.
- Let's just do it.

  
Wow, when are you
gonna turn the job down?

  
I'm still gonna
take the job.

  
- Wow, not even a dent.
- Yeah.

  
To make the pernil taste great
you've got to puncture it like this.

  
And then you put
the garlic cloves in it.

  
Okay, now the pasteles,
you need to--

  
We got it, Mami.
Now go back to the hospital.

  
Please.

  
- Is that your agent?
- Yeah.

  
Ay, Diosito.
Let it be good news.

  
- We need good news today.
- Amen.

  
Hey, Sarah.

  
Um, I'll really glad
you're here.

  
Hey.

  
How you holding up?

  
God, if I see any more
sofrito, I think I'll scream.

  
I don't know
how my mom does it.

  
I heard you didn't
get the part.

  
No, I got the part.
I just didn't take it.

  
What?

  
It was for the seventh
lead on a TV show

  
that'll probably be off
the air after three episodes anyway.

  
It wasn't all that.

  
Yeah, it was.

  
I can't say
I'm mad at you.

  
- You better not be.
- I'm not.

  
Well well well.

  
- What do we got here?
- Get a life, Jesse.

  
- Shut up, man.
- Oh yeah.

  
- Hey.
- Hey.

  
Fernando here?

  
He's at his cousin's house.

  
He's gonna be by soon

  
and you know he's not gonna
be happy if he finds you here.

  
My mom just wanted me to
bring this by for Hector.

  
You really didn't
have to do that.

  
- Ooh, a truck.
- Oh, yeah.

  
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

  
I know things got messed
up with the fight,

  
but I was hoping you'd still
come by the house.

  
- We're going to Fernando's parent's place.
- Oh.

  
I'm looking at you

  
and I realize the one thing
I haven't said is...

  
I'm sorry.

  
I'm sorry, Marissa.

  
Look, Jesse,

  
it's like when we--

  
when we fall in love,

  
we take a chance
that we might get hurt.

  
But we choose
to do it anyway.

  
And it's just like
with you and Lenny.

  
When he switched
watch with you,

  
he knew that he
was taking a risk.

  
Then he took your place

  
and you're still here.

  
He gave you
a second chance.

  
Why would you want
to throw that away?

  
Hello?
Hey.

  
Can you pick up
some milk?

  
Thanks.

  
Yeah.

  
I'm glad you found somebody
to make you happy.

  
I just wish
it could've been me.

  
You should probably go.

  
Yeah.

  
Goodbye, Marissa.

  
Goodbye.

  
Uh...

  
hello.

  
Mrs. Brewer?

  
Hi, it's Jesse.

  
I'm Lenny's friend.

  
You like these?
Mom, how'd you know my size?

  
It's real comfortable too.

  
I used to be small.
Now it's extra large.

  
What is this?

  
Oh, looks big.
Looks big.

  
- Oooh.
- Oh.

  
Achristening gown.

  
Mauricio told me
about your plans.

  
Yeah, um--

  
we've never really talked
about baptism.

  
No we didn't.
No we didn't.

  
But we're not gonna
bar mitzvah the kid.

  
Come on, who ever heard
of a Puerto Rican Jew?

  
- Geraldo Rivera.
- Juan Epstein.

  
That's a television character.
Stay out of it, thank you.

  
Actually, in San Juan
there are a lot of Puerto Rican Jews.

  
Oh, Ma.

  
That's Johnny.

  
That necklace that Edy
gave you is so beautiful.

  
- That's not all she's getting.
- Dad!

  
I meant the tree.
You said you wanted a view.

  
I'm gonna call those guys
back after the holidays and take it down.

  
Huh-uh.
It's old,

  
it's ugly,
but it's my tree.

  
And I love it.

  
Who needs a view anyway?

  
Whatever you wish.

  
Uncle Edy,
Uncle Edy.

  
Oh, look what fell
off the truck.

  
We got a brand new and improved
situation going on here for you.

  
There it is,
brand new and improved.

  
- That's so sweet.
- Yeah.

  
- Yeah!
- Ma, what is this?

  
That's for your dad.
Put it away.

  
- Smell 'em.
- No!

  
Did you regift?
You regifted.

  
Thank you so much, Johnny.

  
Come on.
Come on, dance with me.

  
When it's cold you've got
to jiggle the key a couple of times.

  
'Cause sometimes
the lock sticks.

  
I got it, Pop.
I got it.

  
I know you do.



Special thanks to SergeiK.