Observe And Report Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Observe And Report script is here for all you fans of the Seth Rogen and Anna Faris movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Observe And Report quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Observe And Report Script



Hey, bitch.




I'm gonna fuck you.


- Touch it, slut.
- Jesus!

See my dick.


Guess what happened today, guys?

Can any of you guess?

The Yuens fucked up bigtime.

Instead of watching the mall
like they're supposed to...

...they let a damn pervert come and
show his fucking cock to around 15 people.

So good job, guys. You fucked up big.

Y'all hurt Ronnie.

And nobody hurts Ronnie.

Now apologize to me.

- Sorry.
- I'm sorry.

Say that like you mean it.

- Okay. We're sorry.
- I'm sorry.

That sounded like the last one.

- Guys, I need you to step it up.
- Okay.

You two guys, if you want this,
if you wanna experience what this is...

...l'm gonna need to see more
than I'm seeing.

- You will.
- You will.

Get the fuck out of my face, guys.

Thank you. That was great.

- It's my pleasure, man.
- That was awesome.

I'm standing here at Forest Ridge Mall...

...where today, a man exposed himself
to several women before fleeing the scene.

I'm with Ronnie Barnhardt,
one of the security guards, who...

No, cut. You fucked up, ma'am.
I'm the head of mall security.

You should do that again, say it right.

- Go ahead. Action.
- Well, Officer Barnhardt...

Right. Is there any information
you can shed on this situation?

You're just gonna keep going
even though you fucked up my title?


Well, I'm standing here with this doctor.

Okay, how do I steer you
towards the oil-free foundation?

She was like, "Oh, no.
I didn't wanna moisturize."

- I was like, "No!"
- Oh, moisturizer.


Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

What were you talking about?

What were you...?
What were you saying to each other?

So, Ronnie,
what is it, um, you stopped by for?

Well, I'm sure you heard about this...

...but we had a pervert sexually assault
several women in the mall parking lot.

Oh, really? A pervert?


So I just thought I'd tell you,
just be careful...

...watching your comings
and your goings and whatnot.

- Do you think we're gonna be safe?
- Yeah, Bruce, I think you'll be just fine.

Bruce wants to know if he'll be safe.

I should warn the pervert
that Bruce is out there.

Look at me, I'm Bruce. Look.

Is the pervert gonna get me?

I'm just fucking with you, Bruce.

I think, Ronnie, that I am...
I'm gonna be just fine.

Everyone thinks they're fine till someone
puts something in them they don't want.

Okay, well,
I guess it's probably time to:

Okay, well, see you guys.
Have fun doing your thing.


What? Oh, okay.
I thought I heard you.

You talk to Mark
about lifting that firearms restriction?

Oh, yeah, we should be good soon,
but technically, it's still pending.

- The AS50 just came out.
- No way.

Semi-auto, five rounds,
removable magazine.

Thirty-three inches long.

I mean, it'd be perfect for, you know,
the back of the golf cart.

The new model 1216 carries 20 rounds
of 12-gauge shotgun shells.

Wait. It holds 20 rounds?
I thought it was 18.

JOHN: No, 20.
- You're confirming it's 20?

Yes, I'm confirming 20.

That's confirmed. Yes.

Well, guys, we got Tasers, we got Mace.
It's not bad.

- I guess that'll have to do for now, huh?
- Maybe.

Yeah, still, it'd be so much cooler
if we were able to carry guns.

Carrying a gun to work is, like, the best.

RONNIE [ON TV]: I would like to deliver
a personal message...

...to this perverted individual.

Nice sucker punch today.

You show up again, and you see
what the * * * * happens, okay?

I will murder you!

I will * * * * * * * murder you!

- No comment was made...
- You're * * * * * * * dead!

No comment was made
as to the identity of the assailant...

...but we will keep you posted.
- I use Mace and Tasers. * * * * you.

Ronnie, I am so proud of you.

- You really think I did good?
- Hell, yes.

You're just, you're...


You're just... Fuck, you're great. Great.

- You're just drunk, Mom.
- No, no.

You did good. You scared me.
You were scary.


You know, Mom...

...I got a confession to make.

It might sound bad, but...

...part of me thinks
that this disgusting pervert...

...is the best thing
that ever happened to me.

I mean, this is a real case.
This is my chance just to be great.

I swear on my soul
I'm gonna catch this guy.

I'm gonna get him.

Oh, I'm tired.


Good night, Mom. Love you.

Ronnie Barnhardt,
head of security here in the mall.

I noticed your sign. I'd like to claim
one of your free cups of coffee, please.

Let me just get that for you.

Thank you very much.

So are you new here?
I don't remember someone...

...with a leg working here.
- Yeah. I just started last week.

Then I had to get ankle surgery, so...
I have a protein deficiency.

Oh, wow.

Could you keep your traffic area clear?

- Sorry.
- Always.

I disagree with his methods,
but that is a fire hazard.

Is there really a pervert here?

Yes. Yes, ma'am, there is.

That's scary.

Not for me so much, you know.

It's actually kind of my job
to put myself in harm's way...

...to protect weaker people such as yourself
who are crippled in the leg and whatnot.

My cast is coming off in a month.

I do it
so other people can sleep well at night.

Meanwhile, I'm up all night
fighting demons.

Just screaming bloody murder,
waking up with nosebleeds, night terrors.

Finding myself a mile from home
with bloody feet and a gun.

I have no idea how I got there,
but pound for pound, I'd say...

...there's not one human being that
deserves this coffee as much as myself.


Be seeing you around, get more of this,
maybe a free cinnamon bun or something.

I'll be here.

Stay safe, ma'am.




Touch Daddy's dick.


It was horrible.

It just keeps playing over and over
in my head.

Like, someone press stop.

It's on repeat.

Are you okay, Brandi?

Physically, yes.

Psychologically, no!

Brandi. Brandi!


Are you okay?
Jesus Christ, I came as soon as I heard.

I'm so sorry. Out of everyone,
I should've been protecting you.

Look, this is not your fault.

Ronnie, get her to my office
so the police can talk to her in private.

Roger. No problem. Let's go, Brandi.

I obviously can't walk.

I'm in shock.

Okay. Of course you are.

You don't have to walk.


Oh, my back. Fuck. Come on.



Detective. Detective.

Can you give us a statement
as to the identity of the pervert?

No comment.

Just stay with me, Brandi.
Just, look, stay with me.

I know it was horrible.
Just don't think about his penis.


Hi. Your secretary told me to come in.
I'm Detective Harrison, Conway Police.

Mark Peoples, I manage the mall.

This is Brandi.
She's the one who saw the deviant.

Hi, Brandi. How you doing? You okay?

I'm pretty shaken up.

- Brandi...
- Mm-hm?

...l'm here to tell you
that we're gonna work together...

...to make sure we catch the guy
that did this.

- Okay.
- Ronnie Barnhardt.

Head of mall security,
chief inspector on the case.

This is my lieutenant, Dennis.

Hey, gentlemen.

- Did you get a look at the guy?
- Yes.

Do you remember anything specific?

Was he tall, short, black, white,
color of hair?

- He was white.
- Okay.


Chubby and blond.

- Like pretty blond or?
- Sandy, ugly blond.

Oh, he had ugly blond.

I think this is good enough for now.

All right? The best thing to do
at this point...

...is I'm gonna go talk to the other ladies
who saw the guy...

- Ha!
- What? Now what?

Aren't you embarrassed saying that?
Like a cop.

It's paperwork. It's procedures.

What I wanna know
is who's gonna protect Brandi.

It's clear to me
that she's been targeted here.

Why say that?
What gives you that impression?

A, she's the prettiest girl in this entire mall
and maybe the world.

B, it's clear that this pervert
is some kind of sociopathic genius...

...who plans on coming back and finishing
what he started, by murdering Brandi.

Oh, my God. Is that gonna happen?

- It's gonna happen.
- No, it's not.

- He's gonna murder you.

BRANDl: My God.
- It's not gonna happen.

- Am I gonna die?
- No, no.

- You gonna die.

I have to get going, okay?

I'm gonna give you my card.
Call me when you aren't working.

Come to the station
and we'll go through some mug shots.

Don't worry. All right?

Look, your hair's all messy.
I'll talk to you soon.

Thanks, detective.

I feel a lot better.

Yeah, we all feel a lot better.
Thanks a lot, detective.

All right, have a nice day.

One question.
What the fuck was that, Mark?

What are you talking about?

You're gonna let some fucking hotshot punk
come in here and take my fucking case?

I just want this to be over
as soon as possible, okay?

I'm beginning to feel goddamn
underappreciated around here, you sellout.

- Damn!
- Okay.

This is my case. Not yours. Not his.


Okay, so everybody, listen up, okay?

Ronnie has a very important

It's been a tough day for him.
It's been tough on his spirit.

So everybody, just be very respectful.

Thank you, Dennis.

Listen, you are all under strict orders...

...to do everything in your power
to bring down this pervert.

You are to report to me and only me...

...but most importantly, you do not
say a word about this to the police.

Okay? Forget the police.

I'm in charge of this.

Ronnie. You know,
I've gotta get back to work soon...

...because I'm technically employed
by O'Landers.

Kid's not even officially on the team yet
and he thinks he's got it all figured out.

Here's how this is gonna break down.
Dennis, you're my second in command.

You're my right-hand man.

Thank you very much.
I've always wanted that position.

But I didn't wanna put the extra pressure
on our friendship, so thank you so much.

- You're welcome.
- Okay.

Yuens, you guys are my infantry.
You're expendable.

One of you dies,
God gave me another one.

- Okay, okay.
- Awesome.

Charles, your position
is that of a student.

Are we gonna be getting paid extra
for this?

Because it seems
like this is completely separate from...

Let me ask you something.

How much did they get paid
to storm Normandy?

How much did King Arthur get paid
to kill Merlin?

How much did they get paid
to invent television?

They did it because they knew it was right.

Now everyone put your hands in
for a unifying cheer.

Looking at you, Charles.

This is a lot for me to take in. And I'm just...
I'm not sure that I'm up for this.

- Don't be scared.
- I'm not.

- It's just that I usually... Stop...
- Shh, shh, shh.

- Use my strength.
- What?

On three. One, two, three.

Special Elite Task Force.



Guys, all this is evidence.

Bag it and tag it, get it to my office.

I'm Detective Harrison
with the Conway Police...

...and I need
to ask you a few questions, okay?

Noticed anything suspicious
going on around here?

Someone hanging around the place
that you've never seen before...

...what we call casing the place? No?
- Not really.

What about co-workers?
Any disgruntled employees?

Someone who might've been complaining
excessively about the job?

- No more than usual.
- Yeah. No, I hear that.

- All right, good, good. Thank you, Sarah.
- One second, chief.

Ronnie Barnhardt.
Who robbed the shoe store?

- I need you to wait out in the hallway.
- I don't know who did it.

Harrison seems to be too blinded
by your beauty to ask the right questions.

Who robbed the shoe store?

- Who the fuck robbed this shoe store?
HARRISON: That's okay.

Sarah, thank you for your help.
I appreciate it. Okay?

Quê pasa, Ramón?


- Sí.

This guy fucking did it.

- Well, what'd he say?
- I don't know. I don't speak Spanish.

But you look at his face, his inflections,
the tone of his voice. Look at his eyes.

I know who did it.

- You do, do you?
- Yeah.

- Big time.
- All right, who did it, Ronnie?

- Check it out.
- I have sensual salts available also.

- Do you know what those are?
- No.

That's for when you take a bubble bath,
you cover your little breasts with bubbles.

Excuse me.
Detective Harrison, Conway Police.

Oh, shit. Yeah, I wasn't touching her
in a bad way or anything. Yeah, it was just...

Somebody robbed the shoe store.
Asking if anybody noticed anything.

All right, you need to get the fuck
out of here. Let's move.

Noticed any suspicious characters?
Looked like they were casing the place?

- Anything like that?
- No.

What's up, Saddamn?

- What do you want, Ronnie?
- I want you to face the fucking music.

I have a restraining order against you,
so take this opportunity to back up.

- Come on, let's go.
- You're fucking my case up, Harrison.

You said you had proof.
He's got a restraining order against you?

Look at him. That's all the proof I need.

That's racist, man.

Nothing to do with this.
You fit the profile.

- Like for the pervert.
- How do I know you're not the pervert?

My dick is brown,
you dumb motherfucker!

- Let's go.
- You should arrest this clown.

He comes here
and harasses me like every day.

Last week he tells me that he's discovered
my plot to blow up the Chick-fil-A.

Why would I blow up Chick-fil-A?
It's fucking delicious.

- I'll go, I'll go.
- Come on, let's go. Let's go.

But I tell you,
I got your fucking number...

...so you should know that I know
that you did that shit.

- Fuck you, Ronnie.
- Fuck you.

- Fuck you.
- Fuck you.

- Fuck you.
- Fuck you.

- Fuck you.
- Fuck you.

- Fuck you, Ronnie.
- Fuck you.

- Fuck you, Ronnie.
- Fuck you, Saddam Hussein of Iraq.

- Fuck you.
- Fuck you.

Fuck you.

- Fuck you.
- Fuck you.

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

Fuck you.

- Fuck you.
- Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

MAN: Hey. Yeah, how's it going?
I got a question for you. Okay.

So I bought this,
like, two and a half weeks ago.


- Yeah. And bought...
WOMAN: Good afternoon, Forest Ridge Mall.

So did you find anything?

I found out quite a bit, actually.

Like what?

A few clues, nice little list of suspects...

...and, I think, the answer
to the whole case.

We didn't find anything.

Also found out
that Detective Harrison over here...

...not quite the detective
he makes himself out to be.

Also, interesting news, not really
enough room for two cooks in this kitchen.

- You're not a cook.
- I'm a cook.

And I'm serving up justice.

You're a security guard.

Hot plates of justice.

That's it, you motherfucker!

All day, I'm listening to your bullshit!

We didn't find anything today
because of you!

You fucked up my investigation
and you wasted my time!

I gotta come back to this shithole...

...to interview the people
who might've actually done the crime!

I hate you!
I hate you so much, you fucking faggot!

And news flash,
you're a fucking rent-a-cop!

You might think you're a real cop,
but you're not! You know why?

Because you're a fucking retard!


Use your inside voice, you know?

We can all hear.

- Is this the recruitment office?
- It sure is.

- Come on in, take a seat.
- Okay.

How can I help you?

I was actually looking to inquire...

...as to exactly what it takes
to become a police officer like yourself.

Are you interested in joining the force?

I'm just kind of curious, mostly. Why?
Do you see something in me?

There are several steps
to be eligible for the academy.

Lay them on me.

- Physical evaluation.
- Done.

- Psychological tests.
- Easy.

- And a background check.
- Boom.

If someone's interested,
I usually recommend a ride-along first.

- A ride-along?
- That's right.

It's where you ride along
with a real police officer during patrol.

Ask a question, get an answer.
You got a hell of a system.

- Thank you.
- lf you're interested...

...I can give you the forms to take home so
you can get that background check started.

- Okay.
- Cool.

All right. Let's do it.

Yeah, I might as well
just take those now.

Probably won't even fill them out.

- Here you go.
- Perfect.


- Morning, Nell.
- Hey, Ronnie.

- Cream and sugar, right?
- That's right.

I don't mean to insult you. Did you
do something different with the coffee?

- No. It's same as always.
- Different roast?

- You want me to make you a new one?
- No, no, it's okay.

It's a little different, I guess.

Probably feel weird. I filled out
those police application forms last night.

Probably just threw me off a bit.

- You applying to be a police officer?
- Did I say that out loud? Yeah.

Totally slipped out.

Don't tell anyone.
I don't really want it getting out there.

- I won't.
- Okay.

But you should know that there's no shame
in going after your dreams.

Few people do it and you should keep doing
it, no matter how many people laugh at you.

Who's laughing at me?
No one laughs at me.

I laugh at other idiots
trying to do what they want.

No one laughs at me for trying to do,
you know, my destiny.

That's not how this works.

- Sorry about that.
- Save your sorries for someone sad.

Put your sorries in a sack and give them
to someone who needs them.

Not me.

See you later, Nell. Thanks for this.


I'll catch you guys later.

We'll meet at the usual.

That's fucked up.

- Hello, Detective Harrison.
- Whoa!

What the fuck?

You scared the shit out of me, Ronnie.

What are you...?
What the fuck are you doing here?

I'm here for my ride-along, you know?
I figure you can come into the mall...

...you can try to steal my shine, it's only
fair I get to do the same to you, man.

Ronnie, I need you
to get the fuck out of the car now.

No can do.
Every citizen is allowed a ride-along.

I am well within my rights, plus I've taken
the liberty of clearing this with the captain.

So here's the part where I tell you
that payback's a bitch...

...and the only thing really left to say
after that is "boom."

- Wanna see what I do?
- I'd love nothing more...

...than to see what you think you do.
- I'll show you.

Come on.


What is this? Hey, hey, hey.

HARRISON: See that corner there, Ronnie?
- Yeah, I see it.

That corner? It used to be
the worst corner in this whole city.

It was nicknamed "the Crossroads."

Oh, shit. I've actually heard of that.

Yeah, I'm sure you have.

Myself and the other officers,
we worked for years on cleaning it up.

It hasn't been easy. I mean, we still patrol
the area to keep our presence up.

I use the same technique in the mall.

I'm sure you do.

I usually do the foot patrols myself.

I'm gonna let you do it tonight.

You know, Ronnie,
I feel like we got off on the wrong foot.

This is my way of making it up to you.

What do you say?

I mean, honestly, I'm touched.

That's really, really nice of you. That's...
I'd love to. It'd be an honor, sir.

I won't let you down.

- You ready?
- I'm ready. I'll get to it.

- Go get them.
- Okay.


Hey, where you going?

Hey, Harrison.

Harrison, where are you...? Harrison!



Okay, okay, okay, okay.

What the fuck am I doing?

All right, kids, no horseplay.
Get on home. It's late.

Hey, player,
you looking for that crack?

Am I looking for that crack?

As in crack cocaine?

You just offered to sell me
a schedule one narcotic. That's a felony.

That's five to 10 years. Boom!

- You're under citizen's arrest.
- No, let go!

- I will not let you go!
- Fuck you!

You're gonna learn things in jail.

Gotta wait for my partner to get back.
Should be any second.

- Get your hands off him.
- What?

You heard me.
That's my son, motherfucker.

What? This little guy?

This is my motherfucking seed right here.

- See, I got him on my motherfucking chest.
- I see that.

Ain't just gonna tattoo
any motherfucker on my chest!

This is my lifeline, my legacy.

Well, I hate to be the one to break this
to you, because you seem to love him.

It seems your son just tried
to sell me an illegal drug.

- Rico just tried to sell you some drugs?
- Yeah.

That's some crazy shit.

- Ain't that some crazy shit?
- That's crazy, man.

That's not too crazy though...

...because he works for me,
you stupid motherfucker.

More bad news. You're gonna need to find
a new employee. I'm taking him downtown.

Oh, for real? Well, you gonna need
to find a new motherfucking head.

You're right. You're free to go, kid.

Good luck with the crack.
Have a good life.

Yeah. Get home, Rico.
Do your motherfucking homework.

Rico! Get home!

So I'll catch you later. Thank you.

- Waste him, Tone.
- Motherfucker, don't tell me what to do.

How many motherfuckers have you killed?

I've killed two, so shut the fuck up.

Don't do it, okay?

- Oh, God, don't.
- You gonna start crying?

- Just don't do it.
- Look at little bitch.

This was a mistake. Don't do it.

You know what I should do?
I should make you suck this gun like a dick.

And when it comes, it's gonna blow
your brains all over the street.

- Look in your heart.
- Pop a cap in his ass, right now.

I don't believe it. Are you
gonna seriously sit here and talk to me?

- I'm just saying.
- You're just saying what?


I cannot believe you took him
to the fucking Crossroads.

I mean, that's ridiculous.

You'd have done the same. Bad enough
I had to spend the day with him...

...now he's at my fucking job?

Yeah, but, well,
he's probably gonna get killed.

Good, I hope he does get killed.
Fuck him. I don't care.

I'm telling you, I hate this guy.
I hate him more than...


Sit the fuck down. Do you hear me?
You sit the fuck down!

Don't fucking talk back to me!

That's what the fuck I thought,
you little asshole.

You. I know what you did.

You set me up. You left me out there.
That's all there is to it. Admit it.


I set you up.

What are you gonna do about it,
huh, Ronald?

- What are you gonna do?
- I'm gonna thank you.

What are you talking about?

I knew you wanted to see if I had the chops
to become a police officer. I did it, man.

I did it. There are six dead crackheads
that can confirm that.

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart,
thank you for believing in me.

- I don't know what to say, Ronnie.
- No, shh. Don't say anything.

Your actions,
they say more than words ever could.

I always wanted to be a cop.
I didn't want to admit it, but you knew.

You knew.



I need more.

Get used to seeing Ronnie Barnhardt
around here.

Boom! Fuck you.

Cadets, ready.

- Move.
- Ah!





- Fuck!
- Where you running, girl?

You scared the shit out of me!

You want a ride to your car
or what, huh?

Well, move over.


Brandi, Brandi, Brandi.

Okay, Brandi,
I'm gonna lay out a scenario for you.

You, me, free dinner.

You fill in the rest
with the answer "yes."

There's my car.

RONNIE: Huh? What?
- Where are you going?

What? Sorry, someone cut the brakes.

- Oh, my God.
- I can't stop. I'm just joking.

I can stop, but I'm not going to
unless you go to dinner with me.

Someone better tell me
what they wanna eat for dinner.

Fine, motherfucker!
All right, pick me up next Friday night.

It's a date.

No, it's not a fucking date.
Just don't tell anybody.

- Don't.
- You don't.

Listen, okay? I've told you...

...if you're gonna sit up here,
you gotta keep this counter clean.

I know. I can't reach that far.

"I can't reach that far
because of my thing.

If only I had a stick or something
that would extend my reach...

...like the eight stick-like objects
that are behind this counter."

- Think outside the box.
- I'm so sorry, Roger.

- I'm gonna do better. I'm sorry.
- Oh, two sorries, l...

Oh, I thought those
would clean the counter, but they don't...

...because I guess I'm fucking dumb.

Cup of joe, please.

Hey, Ronnie.

Is something wrong?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I notice you wear a ring on your finger.
Are you married?

This ring? No, I'm not married.

I'm married to God.

It just means that I'm waiting for marriage
before I'm with a man.

- So you're a virgin?
- Technically, I'm a born-again virgin.

I mean,
we've all been to beach week, right?


I mean, so, yeah, I'm a virgin again.

Why do you ask?

Oh, no reason. Um...

Well, actually...

...I got kind of a hot date tonight
with Brandi over at the makeup counter.

So I thought if you were married, you
might have some insight into relationships.

You could maybe tell me
what I should wear on a date...

...but you know what? Never mind.

What you just said is kind of weird...

...and I don't really think you're the best
person to be giving me advice on this...

...so, yeah.

Yeah, you're probably right.

It's been a while. Sorry.

But coffee's delicious.

You should get married to this.

Okay, well, thank you.

No problem.

- Hey, Ronnie?
- Yeah?

I think you should dress like yourself.

Yeah. Again, like I said, not the best person
to be giving advice on this, so...

Come on, Ronnie. Just get out here.

RONNIE: It's too tight in the butt.
- Well, let me see.


You look so handsome.

You don't think I look like a phony?

Heavens, no.

This girl's gonna be knocked
on her socks.

- It's kind of a cool outfit, I guess, right?
- Way cool.

This girl must be really special.

Oh, God, she is, Mom.

She's the most beautiful girl
in the whole world.

You know, I remember when your father
picked me up for our first date...

...I swear, he was the most handsome man
I'd ever laid eyes on.

I knew right then and there
that I would fuck him that night...

...and end up marrying him.

I sure hope that happens to me tonight.

Oh, it will, Ronnie.

I just know it.


Why did Dad leave?


...he kind of freaked out
when you were born.

I mean, you had so many special needs...

...and he just couldn't
handle the pressure.

One day,
he just couldn't take it anymore.

Do you think it was my fault
that Dad left?


I love you, Ronnie.

I love you too, Mom.




BRANDl: You guys are hysterical.
Let me out!

See you later, sweet tits.

Fuck you, Tyler.


Why, hello.

What are you doing here?

We were supposed to have dinner

- I forgot.
- That's okay.

- I didn't.
- Yeah.

Well, it's pretty late.

I made several dinner reservations,
so we'll get a table no matter what.


Well, I gotta pee first.


You want me to come? Should...?
Um... Yeah, I'll just wait out here.

Wow, that was impressive.
You... I like to drink fast too, so...

Okay, wait, watch this.


Nurse, can I get another?

- Wait, this is on you, right?
- Oh, yeah, I got it all.

Nurse? Four shots of tequila, okay?

I think it's really funny to call
a waitress "nurse."



So, Brandi. I'm just dying to know,
how much do you love working in this mall?

- Oh, God, I hate that shit.
- Me too. I fucking hate it.

I mean,
I just listen to bitching all day long.

I, like, do makeup
on these fat-ass women.

And you know what?

My mom always said, "You can polish
a turd, but it's still a piece of shit."


Anyway, that's the fucking mall,
you know?

That is such an incredible journey
that you must be going on every day.

Hold up, all right?

- What the fuck is that?
- It's nothing. What? It's nothing.

Let me see. Don't be stingy.

Come here.

- It's a pill I'm supposed to take.
- Oh, my God, where did you get these?

From my doctor.


That's the good shit. I am impressed.

I did not think you partied like that.

God, do I ever party like...
I party like this every four to six hours.

Can I have one?

- Really?
- Come on, please?

Come on. Ronnie, come on.

You know what?

You can take the whole thing.
Take all of them.

I don't think I need them anymore.
Everything is going great in my life.

Just like it is with you,
and I have this cop thing.

Those pills just kind of keep me here
but right now, you know...

But I just... I just need to...


You know, that's what I need right now.
I'm on this.

And those stop me from doing that,
so consider those my gift to you, Brandi.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

- Can I tell you something?
- Yeah, anything. Anything.

- I thought this dinner was gonna suck.
- Me too. Why?

I was like, "Okay, weird guy at the mall
asking me out."

Oh, my God.

But now I got a whole new script.

Thank you.

- All right.
- Shots.

Yeah, shots. Down the hatch.

Put those here.

To eternal life together.

- Fuck you.
- Okay.

Come on, bitch.

Oh, my God. It burns so good.

Oh, yeah.


Yeah. Oh, yeah, again.

You are so fucking gorgeous.


...this has just been a magical evening.

It's been amazing...

...and I think I gotta say congratulations.

We made it to the next level, you know?
We did it together.

- I couldn't be... Oh, God.
- I am so fucking shit-faced.

You okay?

I think I need a mint or something.

My breath tastes like shit.

Oh, Brandi.

I accept you.

Oh, Brandi.

Oh, God, Brandi.



Why are you stopping, motherfucker?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

WOMAN: Okay, Ronnie. Today I'll be
giving you a psychiatric evaluation...

...to determine if you're competent
to enter into the police academy.

So let's start with your background.
Where are you from?

- Born and raised right here, actually.
- Oh, local boy, okay.

And, Ronnie,
do you have any history of depression...

...or psychosis or anything like that?

but nothing really worth mentioning.

Just a little bipolar disorder.

Not a big deal.

Oh. Well, are you taking
any prescription medications?

I am pleased to announce that I am
currently off all prescription medication.


Why did the doctors take you off?

They didn't.

How are you feeling?

Great, actually.

I met a girl. We're in love.

So that is very good.

I'm this close to catching this pervert,
catching a robber.

Just generally becoming the man.

So at this point in my life, I just really feel
like I could destroy some motherfuckers.

Okay, I'm just gonna write that down.

- Yeah, write it on down.
- Okay.

Why do you wanna become
a police officer?

That's the big question, now, isn't it?

I have a dream...

...most nights.

It starts on a playground.

And there's kids, you know, swinging,
and they're laughing.

There are dogs barking,
butterflies just flapping their little wings.

And then you hear a rumbling...

...and over the horizon
comes a black cloud...

...and it's made of cancer...

...and pus.

It starts sweeping over the playground.

And everyone starts screaming
and clawing their eyes...

...and pulling at their hair,
and saying, "Help! What do we do?"

And you know what happens next?

Out steps me...

...wielding the biggest fucking shotgun
you've ever seen in your life.

And you know what I do?

I blow every fucking thing away.

And I am getting God's work done.

When it's all over and the dust has settled,
the whole world gathers below me...

...and they say, "Thank you, Ronnie,
thank you for helping...

...being a great man
and doing this for us."

And you know what I say?

"You don't need to thank me.
I'm just a guy with a gun.

I'm just a cop."


That should do it.
Thank you for your time, Mr. Barnhardt.

Eh. I think you mean Officer Barnhardt.



- To Ronnie.
- Thanks.

DENNIS: Ronnie.
- Yeah.

Ronnie Barnhardt got called up
to the big leagues.

Finally gonna get to carry a gun
and everything.

- That's awesome, Ronnie.
- Ronnie, I'm so proud of you.

Thanks, Mom. Thanks for this cake.

- Incredible.
MOM: It's a gun.

Oh, yeah.

You're my little baby.


I'm so happy for you.

I think the White House
could be the next stop.

I mean,
I think it could be that big, Ronnie.

- I think so too.
- Oh, God, I'm so happy for...

For your tears.

Well, thank you, brown eyes.

You know,
when Ronnie was in high school...

...I used to fuck all his friends.

RONNIE: Okay, Mom, don't hit on Dennis.
Is that okay?

- A piece of icing right there, see?
- That's some icing right there.

Yeah, I think you spilt more on it,

And it'll tingle just a little bit...

...but you get used to it.

Feel that?

Wait for me.

Ronnie, wait.

Don't say anything, it's gonna give it away.

- I'm not going to. This is gonna be funny.

- Watch... Jeez.
- Ow!

MAN 1:
I'm sorry.

- All right.
MAN 2: Well...

Okay, I'll call.

Yeah, come in.

- What's up, brother?
- Hey, Ronnie.

How's it going, amigo?

Oh, have a seat.

- How you doing?
- I'm great.

- This is nice. Yeah.
- I don't usually do this kind of thing...


...I wanted to be the one
to give you the news...

...and see your face when you found out.

Very good, sir. I appreciate that.
Thank you, sir.

We're not gonna be able
to let you join the academy.

That's not possible, so...
Yeah, that's not true.

It seems you had trouble
passing the minimum requirements.

- Did I fail one of the tests?
- Actually, you did.

You failed the psychological exam.

I remember she put a big A-plus on it
and a "pass."

- Yeah.
- And that was me, so...

- I passed that. I passed the shit out of it.
- Really?

It says right here.

"Mr. Barnhardt
shows warning signs of delusion.

Allowing him to join the force at this time
puts his life...

...and the lives of others in jeopardy."

I don't... Um...

I don't see how this is possible.

- You got problems.
- No...

We can take care... We can handle this.
We can... We can figure this out.

I know this is hard to hear.

So I thought
this was gonna be kind of funny...

...but it's actually kind of sad,
so I'll catch you later, Harrison.

So I tried talking to them.

There's just no way
they're gonna let you in.

Your dreams of becoming a police officer
just aren't gonna happen.


Hi, I'm Nell.

Wait. Do you want some of my buns?

Yeah. Here, toast it.

Oh, my brake broke.

Bam, right into the...
Into the frigging fryer.


- She'd go headfirst in the fryer...
NELL: Hey.

I thought you were gonna go work
for the police.

You know, I made it...

...and I tried it out for a few days
and I just decided it wasn't for me...

...so I decided to come back here.

- I don't wanna talk about it.
- No problem, Ronnie.

- Hey, you want a cup of coffee?
- No.

No, I don't think I do.

No offense to you...

...but I'm gonna have...

...to refuse your coffee.

You know,
coffee seems disgusting to me.

In fact, right now,
I don't think I want anything less...

...in the whole world
than a cup of your coffee.

So no, thank you.

Okay, you know,
on second thought, maybe.

- Yeah, sure, I'll have a cup of coffee.
- Roger's so mean to me.

- Who's Roger?
- The manager.

He hates me because I can't walk.

He talks about me with that girl
all the time.

They talk about how lazy I am.
Well, you know what? I'm not lazy.

The only reason I'm sitting in this chair
is because of my leg.

I wanna quit and I can't
because I don't have any money...

...for the doctor bills
and insurance and stuff.

I'm sorry.


Oh, hey, you can't come back here.

- Get in there!
ROGER: No, no!

You get in there!

Get in there!

- You like making fun of people?
- I don't.

- I don't. No, no.
- Huh? Huh? Huh?

- You like making fun of people?
- No!

You say one more thing to Nell,
I'm gonna fucking murder you!

- I won't.
- You too!


I was never here, okay?


CHARLES: Ronnie, I just wanna let you know
it's really good to have you back.


What the hell are you doing, huh?

You're putting a boot on my car?

- Would you please just try and calm down?
RONNIE: Louder. More authoritative.

Calm the fuck down!

Hey, fuck you, okay?
I'm a business owner.

You don't take this boot off,
I'm gonna start whupping some ass.

- Take out your Taser.
- You have no right.

- Take out your fucking Taser, Charles.
CHARLES: Ronnie, I'm not gonna Taser...


- Fuck.
- How hard is that?

It's the easiest thing on earth.

I got another one right here,


MATT: Hey, Ronnie.
JOHN: Ronnie, how's it going?

Think we found something
that might cheer you up.

A clue in the pervert case.
We found it next to the Dumpsters.

You okay, Ronnie?
I expected a little bit more of a reaction.

I'm not okay, Charles.


...unfortunately, no, this picture of a penis
does not cheer me up.

Okay, you guys, we should...

We should probably go get to work.


All right, well, just take it easy.

I don't know what's happening to me,

I feel like I'm losing it.

A change is coming.

I used to think...

...I was the only thing...

...between the light...

...and the darkness.
- Mm-hm.

But you know what I realize now?

This is who I am.


Take me in, Dennis. Don't look away.

Ronnie, can you please
take the dick off your face?

I'm real glad that you opened up to me.

Because it makes me, like, open up
my heart, you know what I'm saying?

Like, share the stuff that's been happening
to me because I used to be like you.

I fell into that world of pretend.

And that's where you gotta smarten up...

...and cut somebody sometime.

You might think that I float, you know.

Maybe even walk on water and stuff.


...l'm here to tell you that, sometimes...

...I drink out of a volcano.

I know how to deal with the system.

I know how to fuck with it.

I just gotta ask you, Ronnie...

...are you willing to accept...

...what I have to teach?

I'm ready.

- Do you want me to show you the way?
- Show me the path.

- Can I lead you, please?
- Lead me.

- I'm gonna put you in my pocket.
- Guide me.

You're in my hands.

When do we start?

Right now.


No, no, no.

DENNIS: I'm not gonna lie to you.
There's nothing good about this at all.

- You okay, Dennis?
- Look, look here.

Let's get back to work.

- Dennis.
- Yes, Ronnie?

I gotta... I have to thank you, man,
you know, like...

- Yeah.
- I felt like shit this morning, and now...

You've shown me I don't need
to take things so seriously.

- Don't take it serious.
- We got a fucking meaningless existence.

- That is... Sometimes it don't mean shit.
- Who cares though, right?

- Who cares? That's what I'm saying.
- Who cares? Oh, man.

It doesn't matter.

And, you know what? I'm just glad that
I finally have a partner in crime, man.

Oh, wow, man.

You dropped the P-bomb on me, man.

It feels so good to hear you
say that, man.

I've never had a partner.

I love you.

- I love you too, man.
- I love you.


I don't care. I don't care.

- You can't catch me. You can't catch me.
- I'm gonna catch you.

But you ain't seen the best part yet, man,
because when everybody leave this place...

...I rob the shit out that motherfucker.

What are you talking about?

What do you mean?
Man, I steal shit.

You're the one robbing the mall?


I got the code...

...from the security camera.

- Right in front of my face?
- In front of your fucking face.

You guys didn't even realize it.

Ronnie, this is beautiful.

Dennis, I can't be a part of this.

- I thought you said you were my partner.
- I know, but l...

But I can't do that.

What has this place ever done for you?
Don't you see that people see us as jokes?

Doesn't that hurt your feelings?


- Yeah, it really does, but I can't.
- All right, well, suit yourself, Ronnie.

You know, you could be a slave.

I already told you...

...l'm a motherfucking outlaw.

Please stop, Dennis.

We're best friends, man.
Let's just stop this.

We'll go get a beer, you know?

Let's pretend this never happened.
I won't say a word about this. Let's just go.

Ronnie, you right.

Ronnie, you as right as hell.
What was I thinking?

Like robbing the mall,
taking jewelry and stuff?

I'm... What's all that about?

- I don't know, man.
- You right, man.

- Let's go get a beer.
- Yes.


Thank you, man.

And honestly? I will never say a word
about this to anyone.

- I appreciate it.
- People make mistakes. No.

- You're a real good friend, saying that.
- We're friends, so that's just how...


Oh, fuck, Dennis.

- How could you, man?
- Oh.





How could you not know it was Dennis?

Then how could you be so stupid as to let
him get away in the raffle car of all things?

Well, may I speak now?

Go ahead.

I found this.

That's the pervert's penis.

He's still in this mall. He's laying low,
waiting for a new opportunity to pounce.

Well, I'll turn this over to the police.

You'll not give that to the police.
I don't think you understand.


...I let Dennis get away.

That's something I'll have to live with.
But finding out whose penis that is...

...is my last shot at redemption.

- Let's just hope he doesn't show up again.
- Oh, he's coming back.

He's coming back quick
and he's coming back hard.

- What are you talking about, Ronnie?
- Deep cover, Mark.

I'm talking about black ops shit. I'm talking
about going off the grid completely.

I'm gonna be a specter, an invisible man.

I'm just a regular guy in the mall.
I got no rules to follow.

Just got myself and my instinct.


Are you fucking retarded, Ronnie?

Ronnie doesn't even exist.

My name is Gil Jacobson.

I'm just your average mall customer.

I came to the Forest Ridge Mall...

...to do some personal shopping.

Hey, you know where any sales are?

This is my mall.

It's a place of beauty...

...a place of purity.

It's a place where lost souls
can find a home.

Fuck you, Ronnie.

Nice hat, you stupid motherfucker.

I believe every man
has a path laid out before him...

...and my path is a righteous one.

For I have been chosen
to be the protector...

...and the destroyer.

I live by a code.

A code of my own invention,
but a code nonetheless.

And I follow it to the fucking T.

Danger lurks in the darkness
waiting to pounce...

...and it's my duty to face that danger
and stare it in its godless eyes.

- Mandy.
- Fuck.


Shit on me.

Yeah. Yeah.

- Tell me again. Tell me again.
- Yeah.

Fuck, yeah.

Nothing can hurt me.

My body has become a weapon.

I am an instrument of protection...


...and justice.

I am the hammer in the right hand
of all that is good.

How could you do this to me?

I love you, you fucking bitch!

You just made me blow my cover.

CHARLES: Hey, Ronnie.
JOHN: Hey.

Um, Mark's looking for you.

He's really pissed about the altercation
in Cosmetics.

He's talking about calling the cops...

...so you should probably
just get going, man. This is gonna get...

This is gonna get really weird.

Ronnie Barnhardt's not here.

But if he was here...

...he'd say that if Mark wants him
to leave this fucking mall...

...it will be over
Ronnie's dead fucking body.

In these dark times,
people need something to believe in.

I believe that good will win through
in the end.

It's only a matter of time until the clouds
part and the sun shines...

I'm gonna start that again.

It's only a matter of time until
the clouds part and the sun shines down.

They'll be here soon
and my mission will be complete.


I will leave a mark so big
that it will be felt for years to come...

...and history will remember my name.

There's no turning back.

I must stand fast in my resolve.

The world has no use
for another scared man.

Right now,
the world needs a fucking hero.



Come out, come out, wherever you are.


Ronnie, what are you doing?

I thought we were allies, Harrison.
I thought we were brothers of the badge.

How the fuck do you sleep at night?

Come on, let's do this the easy way.

You come outside
and we'll talk all about it, all right?

- Can't do that.
- Let's go.

We'll talk about it, but you gotta get out.

You can go outside. This is my world.

We don't wanna hurt you, Ronnie.

You wanna get hurt?

You didn't bring enough pigs to hurt me.

You sure about that?

Why don't we find out, huh?

All right. Go get him.



Open up, little birdie.

What's on the agenda for today?

I don't know.
Maybe look for a job or something.

I know it's hard...

...but try to look on the bright side.

You may not be the smartest person
in the world...

...but you're...

...handsome from certain angles...

...and you're... More importantly...

...you've got dreams inside of you...

...and dreams make you special.

And no matter what the world, um...

...throws at you, uh, they...

It can never take your dreams away.

What are you talking about, Mom?

I don't know, I'm drunk.

I just know mothers
are supposed to say stuff like that...

...to their children when they're sad.

- And so I tried.
- No, you're right.

You're right, that's exactly
what you're supposed to say.

You know, Ronnie...

...the other night
when I soiled my pants...

...you know,
I was expecting for you to come home...

...and find me and clean me up.

And I thought
you'd be there to take care of me, so l...

You know, I passed out on the floor
and I didn't worry.

And most people
would've thrown me away by now...

...but not you, Ronnie.

I do it because I love you, Mom.

I know.

I just want you to know...

...l'm ready to make a change.

You're gonna stop drinking?

I'm switching to beer.

I can pound those all day
and still keep my shit together.

And I'm doing it for you.

I'm so proud of you, Mom.

I'm so proud of you.

And you know what?

This is a new day.

We're gonna get through it.

Oh, I just remembered.

This postcard
came for you the other day.

What's up, motherfackle?

How's your dick hanging?

Low, I hope.

I just wanted to write you and say
that I really am sorry...

...for the way shit
like went down and stuff.

My bad, my blunder.

I just want you to know
that you really are my best friend.

The problem is, I'm a criminal, man,
who doesn't care.

And your crime is you care too much.

Regardless of our differences...

...I hope you know
that I always respected you.

It's not every day that you meet somebody
that stands for something in this world.

Anyway, no hard feelings, okay?

If you ever wanna party,
just get your ass to Mexico.

The beer is cool and the girls are wet.

Sincerely, your right-hand man...

...love, Dennis Chavante.

Hey there, stranger.

- You got your cast off.
- Yeah.

Got my hair done too.

Hey, um...

...I heard what happened.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

That was...

Just, I'm like... You know, I'm like a cat.

I always land on my feet.

I'm A-okay.

I got you a coffee.

Thank... Well, how much
do I owe you, then?

- Is it $ 1.60...?
- You don't have to pay for it.

You can just take it.

That's really nice of you.
I appreciate it, but...

Look, the whole reason
I came here today...

...was to come buy a cup of coffee...

...and pay for it...

...out of my own pocket,
and I've just been kind of waiting out here.

I need to accept...

...that there's no more free coffee.

Not now...

...not ever. I just...

You know, when I come to this mall...

...I pay for my coffee...

...just like a regular customer.

- Oh, motherfucker.
- Ah!

Everybody, get out of the way!
Move! Move!



Oh, no, no, no!

Jesus, Ronnie!

You fucking killed him.



- All right, he's okay.
- Shit. Really?

Get out of the way!
Mall security, get out of the way!

Stay down, motherfucker.

- We've got your back.
MARK: All right.

- We need to call an ambulance.
- No.

This sack of shit is mine.

Hold my piece.
I'm taking him to the station myself.

Get up, motherfucker.

Hey, Ronnie.

Come on.


Good job.

Fuck you.

And if anyone here wants a girl
to have sex with you...

...and then to fuck your enemy,
go to Brandi!

Because she's the girl that does that!


Good job, Ronnie.

Come here.

Caught the pervert.

- Someone get a paramedic. Hurry up.
MAN: Hurry.

I want everyone to know
Ronnie Barnhardt caught the pervert...

...not the fucking police.

Good job, you caught a pervert.

You can take your fucking badge
and your gun...

...and you can shove them
up your butt...

...because I don't need that shit to know
who the fuck I am.

Fuck you. Fuck you.

Fuck every one of you.

I win.

Way to go, Ronnie.

I'm here with Ronnie Barnhardt, head of
mall security here at the Forest Ridge Mall.

Ronnie is the man who brought
the Forest Ridge Mall flasher to justice.

We caught the flasher. Yes!

All is back to normal?

I'd say better than normal, actually.
Personal life is going fantastic.

I met a girl, right over there.

She has made a promise to God
that she won't have sex before marriage...

...but that's a promise
I intend on making her break.

Gather around me, guys.


Special thanks to SergeiK.