Pirate Radio Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Pirate Radio script is here for all you fans of the Bill Nighy movie, known overseas as The Boat That Rocked. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Pirate Radio quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Pirate Radio Script


Are you sitting quite comfortably?

Then I'll begin.

MAN 1 ON RADIO. And the Home Service
will be on the air at 6.45,

with a market report for farmers.

MAN 2 ON RADIO. No, no, I'm the treasurer
of the Picnic Committee.

WOMAN 2. The treasurer?

MAN 3 ON RADIO. Answers, please.
Not to me, but to our producer.

Cheerio! See you next week!

- Good night, Dad.
- Good night, James. Straight to bed.

- Good night, Mum.
- Good night, James. Sleep tight!

Off with the lights now, please.

It's 9:00 at night
and the dull dudes on the planet

are sitting in their slippers
sipping their sherries,

but the people who love to rock and to roll

are ready to ride
the rock 'n' roller-coaster once more.

You are listening to Radio Rock and I'm
the Count, and I'm counting on you,

as we count down to ecstasy
and rock all day and all of the night.

- How much longer?
- No time at all. There she is.

Where she is?

There she is.

- I'm here to see Quentin.
- Come, come.


- Carl?
- Yes.

My favourite godson.

- Have we met before?
- I don't think so.

No. There was a lost decade,
so I always have to check.

- How's your mum?
- She's fine.

Not over-fond of me at the moment.

She's a very attractive woman.

- Well, I...
- No, seriously.

I mean, to you, she's your mum,
but to people of my age,

she's a sexual legend.



- That's right.
- What for?

I suppose smoking was the clincher.

Drugs or cigarettes?

Well, both.

Well done.

Proud of you.

So your mum sent you here in the hope that
a little bracing sea air would sort you out?

- Something like that.
- Spectacular mistake.

But, if you don't drown, we can at least help
you to give up smoking and drug-taking.

I just have and I feel so much better for it.


No, thank you.


Excuse me, everyone.
Could I introduce Carl, my godson?

Welcome aboard. I'm the Count.
I must be obeyed.

It's an honour.

Hi, Carl.

Don't miss Simple Simon's
Super Sunday Smashes. I'm Simon.

That's why I just said that.

Hi, I'm Angus "The Nut" Nutsford.

Hello there.
I'm John, News and Information Gathering.

Hi, I'm Felicity.

- I didn't think girls were...
- I'm a lesbian.

Who cooks.

- Of course.
- Have a piece of toast.

- Could I have a Mars?
- Don't touch those, I've just arranged them.

Do you... Do you know what a lesbian is?

- I do.
- Fun times, eh?

FELIClTY: Anyone, toast, toast?

I'm Thick Kevin.

- Your delightful roommate.
- Great. I'm Carl.

- Cool name.
- Why Thick Kevin?

- I don't...
- It's 'cause he's really, really thick.

This is, of course, Dave.


Big, but very beautiful.

Welcome to the Boat of Love.

if God were a DJ, he'd be on this station.

Let's have a tune, I'm sick of this silence.

And that was the sound of someone
who missed last Sunday's chart show.

and shoot yourself in the head.

Listen to Simple Simon's show...

Why am I queuing up my own records?

While I was swimming,
I passed by a squirrel.

I just broke the knob off the record player.

Let's do it right now. I'm busting for a wee.

A small knob. I like it.

I said, "Mr Squirrel,
why are you swimming on your back?"


"Well, I swim on my back
to keep my nuts dry. "

I'm on fire! All right, I'm out.

You're probably still at school,
it's 20 to 3:00.

Or you might be bunking off,
in which case, good on you.

- Carl?
- Yes.

- How you doing?
- Quite good, thank you.

- Are you nervous?
- A little bit.

- Come over here. Yeah, come over here.
- There?

Come on.

Welcome. Turn around.

Now get the fuck out.

SIMON: Okay, so the Tuesday night of fun
starts here. We're ready...

- We're ready. Gather 'round.
- Steam, steam, steam, steam.

Okay, so the teams are Dave and the Count

versus Young Carl and Thick Kevin.


Don't worry, it's not because
I'm actually thick that I'm called Thick Kevin,

it's just a nickname.

That's right. So, who wants to go first?

- Wanna guess?
I'll guess, fine.

SIMON: All right, who's going? Big Bad Dave.

SIMON: No looking.
30 seconds starting from now!

Easy. Your president.

- What?
- Your president.

- Lyndon Johnson.
- Yes!

- He wrote Oliver Twist.
- Charles Dickens.

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Lovely. Lead singer of The Rolling Stones.

Mick Jagger.
- Yes.

- Is a spy, 007, yes!
- Bond, James Bond!

And the actor who plays.

"Hello, I'm James Bond. "

The actor who plays 007... Yes!
- Sean Connery.

- Quickly, quickly. Time, time, time.
- Hello, I'm a Beatle.

- I'm one of the Beatles.
- Time, time, time, no, no, no, no.

- That one doesn't count.
- That was gonna be good.

SIMON: That's 6 to 0.
I feel good about this one.

Forget it now.
- Well, all right.

Ready to rock.

Okay, the thing about Kev
is you gotta think outside the box.

- Think outside the box.
- He's ready to rock.

SIMON: Forget about the box.
Thirty seconds from now!

Go! You can do it.

It's a type of bird, but it's wearing a hat.

It's a type of bird, but it's wearing a hat.

Fucking genius.
He's just nervous.

KEVIN: Not so much a hat.

Something that's at the top of a coat
and attached to the coat

and covers the head, but is not a hat.

- A hood?
- Yes, and now first name, type of bird.

- It's a something hood.
- Robin Hood!

Why didn't you just say he lived in
Sherwood Forest and has a bow and arrow?

Yeah? What? Who are you talking about?

Robin Hood.

- I didn't know that.
Counting down.

Right, hang on, no. Tricky one.

SIMON: It's like he's having a stroke.

Nice guy.

- Nice guy?
- KEVIN: Yes, very nice guy.

- Really nice guy.
Is that it?

No. Has lots of friends. Has long hair.


- Jimi Hendrix?
- No, much older.

- No shoes.
- I know this.

Nice guy, has long hair,
doesn't have any shoes.

KEVIN: Think about it.

- Must be...
- It's like watching a baby drown.

Wore a dress.

- Dress?
- Wore a dress!

This had better not be Jesus.

- Yes, Jesus!
- Obviously!

Rock on!

Why didn't you say he was the Son of God?

Was he?

Now, there is one final matter to discuss.

- Pirate radio.

- In whose department does this fall?
- That would be me, Prime Minister.

What's the plan, Sir Alistair?
They're very popular.

And they're not actually
breaking any law that we know of.

We're going to shut them down
within the year.

They are a sewer of dirty
and irresponsible commercialism

and low morals.


- Very well. I leave it in your capable hands.
- Thank you very much, Prime Minister.

Thank you all.

Full news again in one hour with me,
John Mayford. Till then, this man.

This was the deal.

I asked all of you to demand of me
to do a very foolish thing,

and you sent in ideas in their millions.

But one idea has defeated them all,

so I'm proud to announce I will soon be
the first person to say the "F" word

on rock 'n' roll radio
in the United Kingdom of Great Britain.

But my aim is not to offend, it is to entertain.

But also, perhaps, to educate a little.

Because if you shoot a bullet, someone dies.
When you drop a bomb, many die.

If you hit a woman, love dies.

But if you say the "F" word,
nothing actually happens.

So here it comes.
Especially for you, the "F" word.

First, though, this very fine piece of music.

- You can't do this.
- Why not? It's just a word!

Charming thought,
but here's the simple situation.

The authorities already dislike us.
If you do this they will hate us,

and by hook or by crook,
they'll find a way to close us down.

They can't close us down. We're pirates.
That's why we're sitting out here

in the middle of the freaking ocean.

Believe me, they will find a way.
Governments loathe people being free.


Okay, I'm thinking about it.

My dear comrades, I have some sad news.

The powers that be have decreed
that the "F" word is a word too far.

But at least for now, even though our
dreams of freedom have died a tragic death,

the Hollies are still alive.

Thank you.

I don't know why you did that.
I was just gonna say "fuck" once.

You know, one tiny little "fuck. "

There's no such thing as a tiny little "fuck. "

Yeah there is.
You should ask Angus' girlfriend.

Be that as it may, there's no "fuck" so small
it won't fuck us up.

One day, in a world of dreams,
you'll be able to say "wank"

or "bollocks" or even "cock" on the radio.
But "fuck," never.

- Excuse me, my Lordship.
- Yes, Harold?

You've left your mike up
in the studio.

So I have.

I do apologise to everyone out there

for the four...
Or was it five "F" words, Quentin?

The Hollies will continue undisturbed.

I'm so sorry about that, Quentin,
but you know,

I thought you sounded good.
You have a lovely voice for radio.

Fuck off.

That makes it six, Quentin.

It couldn't have turned out better,
in my opinion.

Right. Good morning, good morning, good
morning, good morning. Please sit down.

Pirate radio stations.
Good, good, good, good, good.

Now, I have told the Prime Minister that
we will shut them down within 12 months.

As you will see, sir, they're not in fact
outside of the law at the moment, sir.

Then they soon will be, won't they, Mr...

- Fredericks.
- Fredericks.

You see, that's the whole point
of being the government.

If you don't like something, you simply
make up a new law that makes it illegal.

- Speaking of which, Mr...
- Fredericks.

- Fredericks.
- Yes, sir?

I think we might also start working on
legislation to outlaw that haircut of yours.

- You don't like it, sir?
- No one likes it. Apart from blind people.

And I'm sure even they can sense
its profound ugliness as it passes by.

I'll give you a day to deal with the hair,

and a fortnight to deal with the pirates.

Miss C, as I suspected, totally useless!

- Send me that clever new chap!
- Certainly, sir!

I have a job for him.
We have some damage to do.

Good morning, everybody. You're listening
to Simple Simon's Breakfast Show

on 203 metres in the medium waveband.

You're one of 23 million people
listening to the Boat of Love this morning.

Looking forward to Saturday?

- What's Saturday?
- Saturday! Sensational Saturday!

As you may have noticed, there are,
unfortunubbly, no women on this boat,

- apart from Felicity...
- FELIClTY: Hiya!

...who is of the lesbionic tendency.

But every second Saturday, each DJ
is allowed to invite one girl onto the boat.

So, any idea who'll you'll invite?


Presumably there's a sort of presumption
that there'll be...

- Sex, of some sort.
- Every time.

Then no.

I've spent my life at all-boys' schools.

The closest I've ever come to a snog

is when I was once licked on the face
by a horse.

- Sounds good, actually.
A horse?

I'm sorry to hear that, Carl, my son.
I would seriously like to help.

I will put my mind to it.

- Miss Peacock.
- How are you lined up, eh?

- Well, her name is Daphne.
- And she likes the bearded man.

- She does, indeed.
- With a tiny knob.


I've got a tiny knob, actually.

But I rather like it.

It means I can wear smaller underpants.

Don't know what that means.
I didn't understand any of that.

What about other...

Who's that guy up there?
I haven't met him yet.

QUENTIN: That is Mark.

He's the sexiest man on the planet.
Hardly ever speaks.

Not even when he's broadcasting,
which is interesting.

So that's Midnight Mark.




- You not got anyone?
- No. No, not today.

I guess I'm really...
I'm looking for that "one true love" thing.

- Really?
- Yeah. Yeah. Big time.

- You dig the dream?
- I dig the dream.

Yeah, it's a good dream.

- Here they come.
- Here they come.

There they are!



Oh, my God, it's like a boat of honey.

I wanna sleep with them all!

- Hi.
- Welcome aboard!

Do a twirl!

I need a big drink.

I agree. Let's leave.

Right, hurry, up the steps.

Do you mind if I call you guys by the same
name? Twins can be very confusing.

This is actually a very interesting book.

- Is it?
- Yes, it's...

My father used to collect woodpeckers.

- Really?
- Yeah! No.

No, my father was an architect.
How about you? What did your father do?

Well, he had sex with my mum and then
left without leaving his name or address.

- No.
- Yeah.

- No!
- It's cool.

I... You don't miss what you've never had.

Nothing planned, you guys?

- No, no.
- Well, yes.

Another very quiet afternoon
for me and my sex life.

The sad room.

Come here.

I've come to get you
out of your predicament.

What predicament?

The whole sad act. No girl,
unused pencil-sized penis predicament.

That predicament.

Walk this way.

Don't walk that way.

- No. Walk woodpecker way.
- Well, I'm just gonna...

Okay. Okay, it might work.

But one, it's morally wrong.

- Well, I mean, is it?
- Yes.

And two, it might not work. In which case
I'm gonna be the biggest idiot in the world.

All this is true. But on the other hand,

it could be the best five minutes of your life.

You hear that? That's destiny knocking.

Get in there.

Sorry, girls. Sorry, Mum.

Yeah. The Doctor is hungry.

Come on in, baby.

- What's this?
- Alcohol.

- You're trying to get me drunk, are you?
- Of course I am.

How you been? Yeah, you're all right.

I need to pull the pin on the love grenade.

Please do.


I think...

I think we should turn the lights off.

Do we have to?
I like to see you when I'm with you.

I can't make love in electric light,
it's unnatural.

Trust me, though, yeah? I'm a doctor.

Okay. Un, deux, trois.

Let's do this, yeah?

Come on. Keep your boots on.

DESIREE: Keeping the boots on.

There we go.
Although, not quite good enough.

There. Pitch black.


- DESIREE: You are a very complex man.
- Thank you.

Will you...
Will you just excuse me for a second?

DESIREE: Where are you going?

I think we should take
some precautionary measures.

Don't worry, I'm on the pill.

I still think I'd like to freshen up,

- DESIREE: Okay. Hurry back.
- I will.

What the hell are you doing?

I just thought it'd be nice
if I brush my teeth first,

but I didn't have my toothbrush,
so what I did was I borrowed...

No, I mean, what the hell are you doing
still dressed?

- Yes, do you think I should get undressed?
- Yeah.

I can't walk out of there stark-bollock naked
and walk back in fully clothed, can I?

Fine, okay, fine.

- Think smart.
- Right.

- You sure it's dark enough out there?
- Yes, it's pitch black.

The pope could walk in and poke her,
she would never know.

- I just wish I was a bit bigger.
- Why?

'Cause you're beefy, you know?

- DESIREE: Can I come in? I need to wee.
- Yeah, hang on, hang on!

One second.

In here! Down there. Hurry! Just... Hurry up!

Come in.

What are you doing in here?

- Private man things.
- I could hear voices.

Disc jockeys are always practising
our patter.

Gosh, you're quite chunky, aren't you?

Am I? I mean, yeah!

Yeah, I suppose I am.
The girls seem to like it.

That's what I like about you.
You're a nice clean bird.

That's what you think.


No way. Don't... Don't do that.

Don't dry your hands, I...

I love a girl with...

Wet hands.

You are strange.

Do you want to get down to it, then?

Just give me a second, will you?

I dunno if you can see, but I've got a bit
of nougat lodged in a molar at the back.

- Well, hurry up, lover boy.
- I will, lover girl.


But what about the size thing?
She said you were chunky.

Relax. Just find the right position
and it will all be over before she realises.

- Just be quick.
- I think you can be pretty sure

I'm gonna be quick.

I could see a lot of myself in you.
Come here.

It's a very special time.


I can do this. I just don't know where...

Hey, look at me. Enjoy it. Enjoy it.

- I'm not a virgin.
- Okay.

- I'm having second thoughts.
- Carl.

This is your destiny.

DESIREE: Hello, big boy.

No, wrong room! Sorry.

Come in.

- Sir?
- Yes.

- Very impressive references here.
- Thank you, sir.

Very unusual name.


And that's with two T's?
Have you heard of pirate radio, Twatt?

- Like Radio Rock, sir?
- Indeed, exactly like Radio Rock.

- Ever listened to it?
- Not often.

I'm not really a pop person.
I prefer classical music.

- Well, who doesn't?
- The listeners of Radio Rock, sir?


The drug-takers and the law breakers
and the bottom-bashing fornicators

of our recently great country.

Well, here's your little task.

I want Rock off the air in 12 months,
and I want you to be my private assassin.

Someone's gone!

No, don't want it!

FELIClTY: All right.

KEVIN:... but she did this wonderful thing,

where she put a tiny bit of ketchup...


Sorry, man, but who are you?


Smooth Bob.

Bob Silver, the Dawn Treader.

I do the early, early, early morning show.

You're Bob.

- Yeah.
- Good old Bob.

How long have you been on the boat, Bob?

Seven months.
Every morning, 3:00 a. m. to 6:00 a. m.

Well, then how come we've never met you?

Well, you know, I keep myself to myself.

A lot of sleep.

Fair amount of drugs.

A total immersion in the vinyl, you know?

Gotta listen to the music if you're gonna
give the people what they need.

In their heart and their soul. Yeah?

Better be getting back to the sounds, 'cause

it's a bit hectic in here.

So that's Bob?
FELIClTY: Good old Bob.

That's Bob.
- Wry Sir Bob.

What was his name again?


So, young man, how's it going?

Well, sir, I think I may have had
a little breakthrough.

The pirate stations only exist
because they sell advertising.

Yes, you can listen to our pop music,

but only if you also buy
Findus Frozen Fish Fingers.

Exactly. So what we can do immediately
is make advertising on the stations illegal

for British companies.

We would cut off the boats' cash
with one fell swoop.


I like you, Twatt.

Stop blowing the whistle, man,
we were chatting.

I have a very important announcement.
As you may know

there has been a serious squeeze put on our
advertisers by Her Majesty's Government.

This chart, thank you, John,

displays what's been happening to our
advertising revenue in the last few weeks.

- Ouch.
- So, I've had to stir myself

from my traditional languor

and do something to make the station
more attractive to new commercial partners.

Two years ago,
something terrible happened,

and we lost the greatest DJ
pirate radio has ever known to America,

ambition, and alcoholic poisoning.

And then something wonderful happened
and we got, in return, from America,

a man who proved more than capable
of filling those enormous shoes.

- Love our Count.
- I do my humble best.

And now, my friends, I have good news.

- Bad news, sir.
- Very good news.

Have you ever heard of Gavin Kavanagh?

No, I have not.

He's possibly the most famous
popular music broadcaster ever.

- Indeed, a strange and mysterious legend.
- And what about him?

- Well, sir, he's decided...
- To return.

- SIMON: No!
- Stop it!

Oh, my...

Three weeks today, Gavin Kavanagh
returns to rock on Radio Rock.


So, it is more important than ever
to actually close the stations down.

Otherwise the advertisers will simply
flock back and pay their bills from abroad.

Well, what are we going to do, then?

We go, sir, for the jugular.

And this next song is dedicated to
the coolest man in the whole of the world,

and he's about to step onto this boat.

It is gorgeous Gavin Kavanagh,
and this week he's definitely number one!


Like the beard.

And you must be the Count.

I am he.

I wonder what that makes me, the king?

- Or the clown?
- Nice to meet you, sweetheart.

- All right, and you are?
- Felicity.

- Rules changed?
- I'm a lesbian.

- Groovy! Always or mostly?
- Absolutely always.

- So you say.
- No! Stop that.

Now, take me to my microphone.
I need to broadcast.

Let's go!

GAVIN: Are you doing something dirty?

Are you doing something
your parents don't know about?

Are you breaking the law?

Are you breaking the rules?

Open your knees and feel the breeze,

because Gavin's back to stay.

Now it's just you and me,

and I'm looking right up your skirt.

That feels so good.

That feels wonderful!

Listen to this.

This will make you moist.

Watch and learn, kids, watch and learn.

Buddy Holly.

This is Gavin, tweaking the nation's nipples!

So, join me tomorrow,

when I'll be playing definitive rock 'n' roll
here on Radio Rock.

Think of me when you come.

And now it's over to Jolly John.

For some more murders,
rapes and abductions, it's the news.

The news at midday.

In London...

- Twatt, Miss C. How is the jugular going?
- Slowly, sir.

Yes, I hear the arrival of Mr Kavanagh
has been followed

by the finding of a rash of new stations,
for God's sake.

- Yes, sir.
- Sort it out in a fortnight.

Find me a loophole in the law
so that I can make them all illegal

or you are both fired.

And when I say fired, I do not only mean
that you will lose your jobs.

I mean that you will never work again.

You disastrous, pathetic

ugly nobodies.

Jugular, my arse!

How about a little bit more Seekers?

Harold, I've just put another one straight on.
Double Seekers! Two!

You wanted to see me?

Yes, Carl!

Your birthday is coming
and I haven't got you a present yet.

It's difficult.
What do you give the man who has nothing?

Yeah, it's tricky.

So, after deep thought,
what I've decided is to give you

a nice time.

Tomorrow evening,
I've invited my niece, Marianne, to dinner.

She is the sweetest and prettiest girl
in the world.

It's Midnight Mark here.



GIRL. Midnight Mark.

Carl. Good evening.

This is Marianne.



You already said that.


Could you excuse me for one second?

- Dave. Hi.
- Hi.

Could I borrow a...

A condom?


Well, well, well, Young Carl.

Do you know how it works?

Of course I bloody know how it works.


They made me steer the thing myself. Alone.

- And you did?
- Yeah. I must be

- the most inexperienced person...
- Is Quentin around?

No, actually, you just missed him.

Oh, my God. A woman.

And not just a woman.

The most beautiful and succulent woman
in the history of mankind.

Dave, this is Marianne.

Dave, hello! I'm a real fan!

Who isn't?

Well, it's lovely to meet you,
Miraculous Marianne.

Parlez-vous français?

- No.
- No, me neither.

- I can see why you wanted that condom.
- What?

Well, well, night-night.

What did he just say?

- "Night-night"?
- No, before that.

I didn't quite catch it.

Did he say, "I can see
why you wanted the condom"?

I did not hear him say that.

I did.

And the only conclusion
I can draw from that

is that you thought I was going to be
so easy that you borrowed a condom.


Then what other conclusion
can I then draw?


It's true. And I'm sorry.

It's just that the first moment I saw you,

I fell in love with you, instantly,

and I thought that, if I got luckier
than any man has ever got,

it would be a tragedy if I didn't have...

A condom.

I can see how that was just sick
and very wrong,

and so I'm gonna take the condom
out of my pocket

and I'm throwing the condom
into the North Sea.

You see, I already adore you.

I hope one day we'll get married
and have children.

Thank you.

Come here.

I think we're going to need that condom.

Dave, you don't have another condom?

Sorry, mate, it was my last.
What happened to the one I gave you?

Long story.

Try Gavin.

Thank you.

Okay. Just one minute. This is my room.
You should stay here, and I'll be back,

- and Kevin, I can see you.
- All right.

- Evening.
- Good evening.

You don't have any...

No, probably not.

Carry on.

- Thank you, Gavin, I really appreciate it.
- Don't mention it, youngster.

Remember, be gentle, but be firm.
Very firm, indeed.

And when you're done with it, run it
under the tap, rinse it out, use it again.

Where is she?



Oh, no.

Oh, no!

Hey, kid.

Hey, how you doing?

I can see you, Marianne.


Sir. The two weeks are over,

and I'm afraid I haven't really been able
to find you a loophole.

What a shame.

Time for you to move on, then,
like your sad little father.

But what I have done is find you a noose.

I have a report here that says that last week
the distress call of a fishing boat

wasn't heard because its radio waveband
was blocked by Radio Rock.

Men were dying, and they couldn't be saved
because of this rock 'n' roll pornography.

I think, sir, we have our smoking gun.

Very good, indeed.

- Did the fishermen die in the end?
- No, sir.

That's a pity.

I think I may have also discovered a way
of actually getting on the boat

to do some more "intimate" research.

- Well done, Twatt.
- Thank you, sir.

We have their testicles in our hands.

And it feels good.

It's magnificent Monday

and 200 gorgeous competition winners
are heading straight for Radio Rock.

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to our Boat of Bliss.

- KEVIN: Hello.
- Morning.

- We're not lost.
- Morning.

- KEVIN: Just quite a big boat...
- Morning.

And this is the kitchen.

And this is the food we eat
if the weather's bad

and we can't get it fresh from shore.

Tinned food!

- And this is our cook, Felicity.

- She's a lesbian.
- Yes, I am.

Hello. Can I help you?

Yes, hello. Got a bit lost.

More than a bit.

In order to get here,
you have to open a really quite heavy door

with the words "No Entry" on it.

Well, I didn't see that,
so it must have been left open.

You look suspiciously square
to be a fan of this boat's output.

- No, no, no, I'm a real fan.
- I hope so.

Because if word gets out
that you're here to spy on us,

I think you may have trouble
hanging on to your testicles.

Are you threatening me?

Do you know what, I think I am.

Because I've got pretty good instincts
and you look like a twat to me.

Get out of here.

Everyone leaves in 15 minutes!

Welcome back.
I hope you've all had a tremendous time.

The only slightly odd thing
is there seem to be about

half as many of you as there were earlier.

If you give us a moment, we will sort out
this strange and mysterious situation.

- Ladies.
- Hi, Quentin. Busy day.

So I see.
But I rather fear now is the time to move on.

You can all come back to my room,
if you like.

- Girl at the back?
- No.

Give it up, Nutsford.

So, what did you find out?

The boat itself is in very bad condition.


Which means if they ever try to get away
or even move, they won't get far.

Bravo, mission accomplished.

So tell me, Twatt, what's the plan?

I think we should work
to get public opinion on our side.

Then, January the 1st,
we make pirate radio totally illegal

on the grounds that they are endangering
the lives of the brave men and women

of the nation's shipping community,
upon whom the economy

and fish and chip shops
of the country depend.

And if they try to defy the law,
we take them out.


I think we can call it
the Marine Offences Act.

The Marine Offences Act. I like it.

And I think the Queen will like it, too.

- We have them on the ropes.
- God, I love ropes.

You must come over to dinner sometime.
Meet the family.

And that was for Erica from Wolverhampton.

Yes, it's mail time.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Simon, what can we do for you?

Well, Carl, my mate,

my best mate, I've got some news.

I don't know why I'm singing. I can't even...
My words are just coming out in tune.

I'm so happy. If I were the Count right now,

I would definitely be using the "F" word
to describe the level of this good news.

- Hold me! Hold me!
- For what?

I'm getting married!

To a woman!

- You're fucking doing fucking what?
- I'm marrying.

- And give her one for the Nutster!
- I won't.

GAVIN: What's the lovely lady's name?

- Elenore.
- Elenore.

Yeah, she's an American.

QUENTIN: Well, I hope you all appreciate
what this means?

From next Saturday, there will, for the first
time, be a woman living on the boat.

No offence meant.

None taken.
I'm actually quite excited about it.

Hands off, you lesbian. Watch out!

Eye on you.

But Elenore will, of course,
be totally exclusive to her lucky husband.

Here, I hope you gentlemen can take it.

For my eyes only.

May I just say,
now that Quentin has departed,

one word which I believe is the only word
in the world that now matters?

And that word is...



- Yeah!
- Yeah!

- Stag, stag, stag!
- Stag, stag, stag!


It's a stag.

I thought you were having a seizure.
He's okay. He's fine.

So how long
have you guys known each other?

Two weeks.
Yeah, it's the old proverbial thunderbolt.

There I was, just minding my own business,
having a quiet drink.

Over trots this blonde bombshell.

Before I knew it, there was quite a lot of...


Lot of kissing.

- And then?
- No,

I'm afraid we're both big believers
in the whole

"not before the big night" thing.

- That is sick.
- It's not sick.

- Why?
- I just hope that the boat is solid.

The sexual energy
that will be unleashed that night

will blow a hole in her blooming side.

I know how you feel.

It's gonna be like Niagara Falls
under my sheets.

- Yeah, my sheets, too.
- What?

- Where are we going, Count?
- We are going

exactly where we should be going.




No, no, no, no!

Stop, stop, stop. Don't do it.
Stop, stop, stop

I love you.

I'm getting married!

I think I might have had
a bit too much to drink last night.

- What about you?
- KEVIN: No, I'm in good shape.

In fact, I find alcohol
rather sharpens my mind.

- Really?
- Yes.

- And I've been thinking.
- Dangerous.

It's a bit queer that your mum sent you here
to get on the straight and narrow,

when this is obviously the worst
possible place in the world to do that.

There's sex and drugs and alcohol.

- Without the sex.
- My theory is that you're here

because it's exactly the right time
for a young man like you

to get to know his dad.


I therefore think that your dad
is on this boat.

And since he's definitely not me,

I think he's probably Quentin.

Sometimes, just sometimes,

I think I should be called Clever Kevin.

What do you say to that?

And top news of the day.
At 2:45 precisely this afternoon,

Sir Simon Swafford, king of the charts,

marries the prettiest girl who ever lived.

I just want you to know,
I want to assure listeners

that this doesn't mean
that I have any less love for you.

I'll still be here every morning.
The only difference will be, I'll be happy.

Oh, my God. Here she comes.

- Big day.
- Big day!

I shouldn't look.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here
in the sight of God, apparently,

which is scary,

to witness the wedding of this man and this

total goddess.

Jesus Christ alone
knows why she's marrying him.

- Good one.
- But love is,

as the Everly Brothers so wisely observed,

And the bride is blushing now
as the groom is gazing into her eyes.

You can almost see Cupid
fluttering his wings above their heads.

No, that was a seagull.

Shut up, Nutsford.

Best man, have you got the rings?

I have.

Thanks, mate.

There you are.

How lovely.

I now declare you man and stunning wife.

So sweet.

You may now kiss the bride, poor girl.

Yes, the full sweep over.

No, take it. God.

You have it.

Where's those bridesmaids?

It's Nutty Nutsford here,
the morning after the night before.

- Hey.
- Hey!

So how did it go?


I think it will get better. You know, it was...

She was tired.

I was a little overexcited, it was...
If I'm honest, it was a bit quick sticks.

But we don't need to blow it all
on one night, do we? Do we?

No. We've all the time in the world.
Round two.

- Good luck.
- Thanks.

- Hey!
- Hey, babe.

You look like a unicorn.

In a negligee.

- How is Mrs Swafford this morning?
- Good. Good, very good.

I've brought you some tea.

- No?
- I don't like tea.

I'll drink it myself.

Simon, I've got some news.

No. Don't tell me...

You're pregnant already, aren't you?

I knew this was gonna happen.
The Swaffords have always had strong stuff.

No, it's not that.

Not that I don't want babies. I do.

I want a dozen.
You'll be in bits by the time I'm done,

but, you know, I thought
that we could have a few more years

of reckless shagging
before we settle into Baby Boulevard.

Simon, I'm so in love.

Of course you are.

Gavin is so fantastic.

Isn't he?
Isn't he just the greatest, the coolest guy?

Yes, he is.
I guess that's why I'm in love with him.

Koala bear, when you said that
you were in love with him, there might be...

Translation. What do you mean by that?

Well, I...

I met him about a week before I met you

and I fell in love with him.

But he said the only way that I could be
on the boat was if we got married.

And he wouldn't do that,
for obvious reasons.

So I suggested
that I could just marry another DJ,

and that way I could still be on the boat.

He said that was a mad idea.

But then I met you.

You know, I saw you sitting all alone in that
pub and I just leapt at the opportunity and...

Well, now, here I am.

And if it's okay with you,
I'll be moving in with Gavin tonight.

Thanks for being so understanding.

But I don't understand.

But I just explained.
See, I met Gavin and we fell in love and...

No, I get that. I understood all...
I get the ins and outs of it.

What I don't understand
is how you could be so cruel.

I mean, we're just married, if you read the...


And we're supposed to spend
the rest of our lives together.

We will, in a way. We will, we will. It's just...

I'll be having sex with Gavin
instead of you every night, and...

But we'll still be friends.

If you need me, I'll be right next door.


Having sex?

Hopefully, yes.

You might hear us.

That would be nice.

Official sources were today sad to announce

the separation of Simon Swafford
and his wife, Elenore,

after 17 hours of marriage.

It is understood the split is due
to musical differences.

No, no, I can't believe

You're leaving me

Stay with me, baby

Please, stay with me, baby

Stay with me, baby

ANNOUNCER ON RADIO. Here's the guy
who plays all the hits.

It's, it's, it's Simple Simon Swafford.

And the time is now 7:09 in the a. m.,

and you're listening to
Simple Simon Swafford Show

on Radio Rock,
203 metres on the medium waveband.

And remember, folks,
it ain't simple being cool,

but it's cool being simple.


- Well, what do you have to say, bastard?
- Come on, be fair. I didn't ask her to do it.

I said to her, it's absolutely not on
and now she's left,

she's gone, she's left the boat,
she's not coming back.

I honestly can't see what I've done wrong.

What can I say?

It's the dark side of rock 'n' roll.

Can you tell me one thing?

Before she left this morning, did you...
You didn't...

You know?

Just one little pop.

I thought it was the least I could do after all
the trouble the lovely girl had gone to.

Simon, wait.

- Can't really blame him, can we?
- Yeah, you can.

Mister, you ever heard of the Vietnam War?

- I have.
- Well,

that holocaust is simply
a playground skirmish

next to what you're about to experience.

I'm declaring war.

W- A-R. Gonna tear you apart.

DAVE. My dear listeners, you may have
noticed a certain cooling of the relationship

between His Royal Highness,
the Count of Cool, and a guy called Gavin.

Well, I'm eager to show the world
that he is a coward.

So I'm suggesting something
that's pretty big where I come from,

and it's a game called "Chicken. "

The man who climbs furthest is the victor.

May the best man win.

And the biggest chicken lose.

Are we ready?

Then let the ascent commence.

Come on, Count.
Come on. Up you go.

Climb for America, sir.

- Hope she's worth it.
- She definitely was.


- Come on, Count.
- Come on, Count.

- QUENTIN: For God's sake.
- Help him!



It's... It's getting pretty high now.

I suppose there might be an argument
that it's time for a...

A moment of reflection.

Spoken like a five-star chicken.

- What are they doing?
- Just trying to help you out.

Come on, guys, don't be stupid.

Enough is enough,
you've proved your point.

We should do something!

For God's sakes, stop!

All he did was have sex
with someone's wife.

Sorry, Simon, don't take it personal.

DAVE. If you fall, you will die.

Oh, my God.


changed your mind, then?

- About what?
- About me being a chicken.

Why do you ask?

Well, we've reached the top.


It's the top.

But it's not the end.

Isn't it?

No, sir.

- Christ.
- Fuck.

Step away from the edge, you silly bastards.
This is madness.

You're nuts! You're nuts!

I think, at the end of the day,
mast climbing is the winner.

Why am I so fucking fat?

- What do you say now?
- I say,

I know a chicken when I see one,
and I'm looking at one right now.

Adiós, amigo.

Man overboard!


I don't even like Simon!




SIMON: What are you doing?



Ladies and gentlemen of Great Britain.

Abraham Lincoln once said,
"It is the measure of a man

"that he can admit when he's wrong. "

And I have been catastrophically wrong.

I'd also like to take this opportunity
to apologise to a dear friend of mine,



everything onboard is gonna be just fine.

Everyone, this is our last ball,
so please be careful.

- Kevin, it's your kick-off.
Kevin, come on, Kevin.


Get them trousers off. Get him!

QUENTIN: I can see your nuts, Nutsford.

For the first time in the history of basketball,

the United Kingdom of Great Britain
will take on the United States of America.

Come on, come on.


Sure throwing him in is the best way
to get him to learn how to swim?

- Absolutely.
- Okay.

On second thought, it might just be for kids.

- I can't touch the bottom.
- Yeah, that's right.

Throw a baby in, it floats.
Instinctively, naturally. It's a beautiful thing.

Come on.
- I think if you throw in an adult,

- doesn't work that way.
- Goodbye.


- FELIClTY: Yes.
- Yeah.

Let's do it.
Your highness, s'il vous plaît.



I've got you limeys beat.
I have never had a sexual dream

featuring a member of the Royal Family.

Raise your hand
if you have been as equally deprived.

- Princess Margaret.
- Princess Margaret.

Yes! The full six puntos.

- Good. Full house.
- Felicity.

I have never had sex with a man.

Risky one.
- I didn't think that was the road to go down.

Damn it.

Okay, it was at school, obviously.
Who hasn't?

- Me.
All of us.

Besides you guys, okay. It was just once.

And his name was Jackman.

- Course his name was Jackman.

You can laugh.
But actually, he was something of a god.

- You know, I bet he was.
In the Upper Fifth.

- In the Upper Fifth?
- Yes.

- He was a bit of a god in the Upper Fifth?
- Yes.


- I was curious.
- Sadly, it means you only get one point.

- One point.
One point for Felicity.

Well done.
- Well done.

Look at his doe-eyedness. Okay.

Mr Gavin Kavanagh.

Right, bit of a strange one this.

I've never been on a date with a girl...

Wait, wait.

And, after sex, thought she wouldn't notice
if I let go a little

bit of wind.

Did so,

and realised it wasn't wind...

It was diarrhoea.

So I've never been in bed
with a girl of my dreams

with poo all over the sheets behind me.

- No.
- Raise your hands

- anyone who has not done that.
- No way.


You bastard, man!

- I didn't tell anyone.
- You did that?

- Yeah.
- What did you do?

Well, I told her that my wife

would be home in five minutes, so she left.

So you got away with it.

It's a grey area, really.

Tell them.

The problem being that my wife
then came home and...

I got into quite a lot of trouble
for pooing in the bed.

At 4:00 in the afternoon.



Yes. That was beautiful.

We're back on "pubic" air.

Radio Rock, 203 metres
on the medium waveband.

And whatever you do, don't tell Dr Dave
I told you the infamous poo story.


It's Gavin here, and what a year it's been.

Government plans to undermine us
have failed spectacularly.

In fact, a recent poll says that
at an election, 93º% of British people

would vote for the pirates
rather than the government.

This is why.

I'm very sorry, sir.

Don't worry, Twatt.

We may lose the public relations battle,
but we will win the war.

We shall proceed,

but just not tell anyone.

Executions are best done
behind closed doors.

Now shut that filth off!

You're with me, Angus "The Nut" Nutsford.
It's Christmas time.


I just got a message from shore,

and your mother is dropping by
to pay us a visit for Christmas.

You're kidding? When does she arrive?

Tomorrow. She was always very impromptu.

- Was she?
- Yeah.

Anyway, I thought you might like to know,
in case you want to brush your hair

or hide the large stack of pornography
you keep on that shelf.

from Radio Rock.

- I hear your mum's coming onboard?
- Yeah.

Yeah, send her my best.

- Tell her Muddy Waters rocks.
- Okay.

- She'll know what I mean.
- Yep.

- Okay.
- Okay.


Christ, what a dump.

- I hoped you'd like it.
- I love it.

Hey, right on, brother.
That's some hot mummy you got there.

You got one for me?

- Good luck, my friend.
- Thanks.


I hate to be abrupt.
Can I ask you a very serious question?

It's moving. Yes, no, I'm listening.

Is Quentin

my father?

I beg your pardon?

You heard me.

Is Quentin my dad?


No. He isn't.

- No?
- No.


It was just...

I was just thinking
how great it would be to have a father.

I'd really like one of those.

How long are you here for?

Only Boxing Day. Leaving in the morning.

Now this is very good cognac.

Yeah, it is 10:15.


Turkey time.


Ho, ho, ho!

Fucking Ho!

- Who's been naughty?

- Here we go.
- I'd like to raise a glass

- to Carl's mother.
- Yeah.

Wonderful Charlotte, it was...

A shag well shagged

- the night you made this little fella.
- FELIClTY: Definitely, definitely.

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Now, when he came aboard,
I'm sure it's all agreed

that we thought he was a bit
of a posh tosser.

I didn't like him.
KEVIN: He seemed unpleasant.

Me neither.
- You know what? He is now one of us.

Yes, he is!

We would like him

to stay forever.

And just to finish off, Kev.

Bless you, rabbits are Easter, not Christmas.

That's why they call it the Easter Bunny.


- I am seriously thick, aren't I?
You are.

- Thick Kevin!
- FELIClTY: To Thick Kevin!

You're the thickest!

All right, jokes.
- Jokes, jokes, jokes!

What is the largest living mammal on Earth?

- I don't know.
- What is the largest living mammal on Earth?

The blue whale! Weighing over 150 tons.

These are facts. These are the fact ones.
They're not jokes.


I think you might have a joke.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Yes, it's funny.

Would you like a mince pie?

Yes, I would. Thank you.

Shall we have another go at the thing?

- Cracker, sir?
- Yes, the cracker thing.


Well, that's quite enough excitement
for one day.

Well, goodbye, Mum.

By the way, our late-night DJ Bob

sent you a message, which is

"Muddy Waters rocks. "

- Oh, my God. He didn't tell you, did he?
- What?

- What?
- What do you mean, "What"?

What do you mean,
"Oh, my God, he didn't tell you. "

- Nothing, darling.
- No, Mum, it's not nothing.


- Really?
- What?

- Please tell me you didn't sleep with him?
- Of course I slept with him.

Everybody slept with him.
He was absolutely gorgeous in those days.

Hold on a second.
Are we talking about the same Bob?

This is the late-night DJ here?
The beast with the beard?

Well, he was indeed a beast.
But at that time,

- as far as I can recall, he was clean-shaven.
- When?

- When did you sleep with Bob?
- For heaven's sake,

will you stop badgering me?
I don't know when.

How old are you?


Well, then it must have been
19-and-a-quarter years ago, then.

Give or take.

Anyway, I better go.
That poor man's been waiting forever.

I'm so glad we got that off our chest
and out of the way, aren't you?

Bye-bye, darling.

And tell Mark, you know,
that it was a lovely, lovely night.




- Dude?
- Great show.

I think I've got some pretty big news for you.


I'm in a pretty loose mood,
think I can handle it.

I think... I think...

I'm pretty sure that you are, as it were,

technically speaking,

my dad.

You're the man I've been missing
and waiting for and...

Searching for all my life.


That's it? That's your reaction?

Just give me a minute.

Dusty Springfield there on the Dawn Treader,

with quite possibly
the finest white soul voice in the world.

And this is a young man who's really
quite good at playing the guitar.



Morning, hepcats.



What's new?




Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

And yes.

- Good evening, sir.
- Hello.

Just sign it, sir.

And in three days, our heroic disc jockeys
become dangerous criminals.

Well done, Twatt.

That is my kind of Christmas present.

Thank you, sir.

Right. Pirate radio abolished.
A show of hands.

Good, moving on.

Now, we have to make up our minds on...

In the House of Commons today,

the new Marine Offences Act
was passed unanimously.

From midnight on New Year's Eve,

all pirate radio stations,
including, of course, Radio Rock,

will be breaking the law.

Everyone who works on them,
and indeed everyone who listens to them,

will be in contravention of the new law

and risk prison sentences,
both short and long.


You okay?

Yeah, just...

You know, a few months ago,
I made a terrible mistake.

- Really?
- Yeah.

But I realised something.

And instead of crushing the thought
the moment it came I...

I let it hang on and...

Now I know it to be true.

And I'm afraid it's stuck in my head forever.

What was the thought?

That these are the best days of our lives.

It's a terrible thing to know, but I know it.

I don't know about that.

Well, yeah. Yeah.

Maybe you'll be lucky.

Maybe you'll have better days, but I doubt it.

We stood on top of the mountain, compadre.
It's a long way do-be-do-be down.

QUENTIN: The day has come.


pirate radio dies.

From midnight, we are a ghost ship
floating without hope

on cold and dark waters.

You have done almighty work here.

Thank you.

But your work

is done.

Not mine, sir.

I'm an American citizen,

and I don't give a hootenanny God damn
about your nitpicking limey laws.

I intend to broadcast from this ship
24 hours a day until the day I die.

And then for a couple days after that.

Not wanting to sound rude or anything,

but don't you think that might be

an ever so slightly monotonous experience
for the listener?

What do you say to 12 hours each,
noble sir?

The way I look at it,

the world couldn't survive
without my comedy,

and who's going to have the moral backbone

to play the Seekers when the mood is right?

They've split up.

I intend to celebrate the back catalogue.

I intend to stop you doing so.

As some of you know,
my wife left me after 17 hours of marriage,

but I survived that because I live for music.

And now, with nothing else to live for,
I'm willing to die for it as well.

I've always lived for news and weather.

Happy to die for them, too.

Especially the weather.

I've got nowhere else to go.

I have somewhere else to go,
but it's Peckham.

So I think I'll stick around.

Can't let everyone starve.

And I'm slightly worried where my
increasingly powerful sexuality will take me

when I return to normal life.

I've got a very strong suspicion
that Felicity fancies me.

Not about to go anywhere,
just when I'm in with a chance.

Obviously, I'm in.

You're the only people in the world
who like me.

Thank you, gentlemen, lady.

Strange bearded thing.

But make no mistake,
they will come after us.

Let them try.

COUNT. So, faithful followers,

the end is nigh.

We bid you farewell with dignity and pride.

We thought we'd never die.

But, well, we can't fight city hall.

And so, take care, be good.

Listen to the music. It's a good thing to do.

It's the Count,

counting down and out for the count at last.

Three, two, one...

And the rest is silence.

- Thank you, darling. Thank you, darling.
- Sure.

- Well done, Twatt.
- Thank you, sir.

- The Queen.
- Her Majesty's government.

The Queen.

Only kidding, dudes. Let's rock!

Arse! Arse! What arse! Give me that.

- It's a boat.
- What the fuck are you doing here?

CAPTAIN: She asked to see
someone called Carl.

Who asked?

She did.

It's her.

And her!

You want to come onboard?

You know, you're risking going to prison
by being here.

Yes, for fun!

This is my friend Margaret.
She came to keep me company.

- Hi.
- Hey.

This is my friend, the Count.

Well, hello, Margaret.

Do you think you could ever love a man
with a funky Fu Manchu?

No, I don't.

- I could shave it.
- Still no.

I haven't had sex in three months.

Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.

Actually it's only been a month.
The last time was by myself.

By the hammock.

I'm very sorry about what I did that night.

No, no, it's fine.

I mean, obviously,
who would wanna sleep with me?

Well, let's see, shall we?

Well, we could, you know, play Scrabble,

- if you fancy it.
- I hate Scrabble.

Me, too. Absolutely loathe it. Hate it.

Cluedo, on the other hand, is...

Kevin, out.

Lovely to see you again, Marianne.

MARIANNE: I guess if I just...

MARIANNE: No, it's fine.
Maybe if we just lie like this.

Would you like a cup of tea?

Yes, now that would be...




Would you like a cup of tea?

A cup of tea would be lovely.

And yes, ladies and gentlemen
of Great Britain,

Carl has emerged from the Chamber of Love.

Carl, say hello to the 20 million people

who have been waiting
with bated breath to hear the news,

whether or not you have indeed

misplaced your crucial cherry tonight.

You guys...

I think that's a yes! Is that a yes?

Remember, the reply, "I don't wanna
answer that question" means yes.

I'm certainly not
gonna answer that question...

Houston, we have lift-off.


Yes, newsflash.
A nice young man has lost his virginity

in the North Sea.
More soon on that breaking story.

- Morning, madam.
- Morning.

- Good morning.
- Good morning, madam.

Ladies and gentlemen,
if you could see what I see now.

There'll be dancing in the street
all over the United Kingdom tonight.

Rock 'n' roll!

Carl, well done!


KEVIN: You'll be missed.

Here he is.

All right, we had a good night.

But that thing you see shining through
the window is the cold light of dawn.

And I don't want you all to imagine
that they won't be coming after us

with the full force of the law
to crush our testicles like grapes.

But don't despair completely,
because I'm glad to tell you,

I've come up with quite a clever little plan.

- Legend.
- QUENTIN: All hands on deck.

Our leader.
- I just hope it works.

SIMON: Of course it'll work.

- Good night, Miss C.
- Good night, sir.

D- Day for Radio Rock at last.

Indeed, sir.

That's D for deaf.
Since they're not ready to go willingly,

I'm afraid "very nasty" is our only option.

Get out!


Get at them!

Deck's clear!

- Found anything?
- Yes, sir.

What? What have you found?

- Well, fish, sir.
- I beg your pardon?

Mainly fish.

Can I help you, Officer?

You certainly can, yes.

- What the hell are you doing here?
- Fishing, sir.

I mean, what are you doing here?

Here, where the Radio Rock ship
always is and always has been anchored.

Can't say it rings a bell, sir.
What kind of boat is she?

Lobster, cod, tuna?

Shut the fuck up!

This is obviously a trick
and she's scarpered.

Now don't you get cocky, Captain Bird's Eye.

We are going to find these bastards,
and when we do,

we are going to smash them!

Everybody out!
We've got the wrong damn boat!

We should have set sail years ago.

You're a very clever man.
This is a very good plan.

What the fuck was that?

Pardon my French, ladies and gentlemen.

We've got a small hiccup
onboard Radio Rock.

I now return you to The Small Faces.

KEVIN: It did look a bit unusual,
but I'm sure that...

Gentlemen, I have some good news and
some bad news. Which would you prefer?

- The good news.
- Let's have a bit of good news.

Good news.

- Good news.
- Okay.

The good news is the engine has exploded
and we're all going to die.

- FELIClTY: Right.
- Perfect.

- Is he joking?

Dr Dave, Radio Rock.
How is that good news?

I haven't yet told you how we're going to die.
That's the bad news.

How are we gonna die?

We're going to drown
in the freezing waters of the North Sea.

- Shit.
- Dearie me.

There is a huge hole in the side of the boat

and in an unfortunate development,
it transpires that the lifeboats are useless.

Actually, that's quite good for you, isn't it?
'Cause you can't swim, so you'll die quicker.

- Sorry.
- FELIClTY: Dear.

All right. All right. All right. All right.

I'm going to the studio.

Harold, John, up here now.

Yeah, we're coming.
- This isn't going to happen.

newsflash with John Mayford.

JOHN. News coming in that
the famous Radio Rock

has a large hole in its side
and is therefore sinking into the North Sea.

Really quite fast.

So, a tiny crisis here.

So, if any of you out there
knows anyone in Suffolk

with a boat of any shape or form,
give them a ring.

Our coordinates are 53-70 north...


250 east.

Here's a rather long record.

I hope I'm here at the end of it.

Don't worry.
The government won't actually let us die.

They'll have to send out boats.

They've heard every swearword
we've ever spoken.

They'll have to pick up a Mayday.

Nevertheless, we should move. Come on.

I'm not sure we're in the right place
at the right time.

You all right?
You're going the wrong way, mate.

I'm really scared.
Isn't anyone else really scared?

A bit. Up you go.

Foreigners. No backbone.


TWATT. I'm sorry to have to disturb you
this late, sir.

What's your want, for heaven's sake?

It really is getting quite serious now, sir.

I'm asking permission
to send our boats back to pick them up.

Absolutely not.

I absolutely could not justify
the extra expenditure

when there are so many other problems
we need money for as a government

both home and abroad.

They might die, sir.

Happens to the best of us, Twatt.

Happens to the very best of us.


- Whoa, there, are you okay?
- QUENTIN: Simon, have you got a...

- Okay.
- Mark, well done. Come in.

And in those trousers. Not bad.

Thank you, John.
So, we'll be safe here for a while.

The captain thinks we've got till dawn
before we go the full Titanic.

We've sent out an official distress call.

And I'm sure someone will rescue us soon.

Really? Really? Yeah?

- GAVIN: We're all right.
- Really.

GAVIN: We're all right.

Can I just say something, then?

I know I'm not the most popular guy
on the boat.

On the radio I'm fine.

In the flesh it's something
that people just don't warm to. I know.

But I just wanna say, the three years here,

I've been closer to finding friendship
than I've ever been in my life.

And I'd rather have had that and die
than not have had it and lived. I think.

Maybe not. No, actually.

- Come on.
- I just...

You're being ridiculous.

- Well, I'm not popular.
- Look, this isn't...

No, that's... Every group needs a fall guy,

and yeah, sure, you've been it. But it's not...
It's just been a joke. You know?

I mean, lookit,
everybody who actually loves this nut, huh?

And is proud as can be
to count him in the number of their friends,

just raise their hands.

See? Okay?
SIMON: There we go.


Be honest.

What? Okay.

Where's Bob?

- Get the...
- SIMON: I'm lying.

Wait a minute. Where's Bob?

- He fell on ice.
- Guys, Bob!

Where's my dad?

We'll wait another minute.
So who's broadcasting?

No one.

203 metres on the medium waveband
is silent for the first time.

Well, excuse my language,
but fuck that sideways, sir.

Harold, after you.



- Dad?

Easy. Just listening to a new track
by the Grateful Dead.

I'm gonna have to stop it.

Hey, don't do that. Don't do that.

That's a bit of a space invasion, man.

Well, the thing is, Bob,
the boat is actually sinking,

and if you listen to the end of this track,
you will die.

Let's go.

Mind the hole.

Oh, no.

- Thanks, man.
- You're welcome.

Here. Come to me.
- What are you doing?

I'm feeling guilty about sleeping
with your girlfriend twice in a night.

- Three times if you count a... Hey, Bob.
- Hey.

- Dear. That is not a good record.
- What?

I think it's time we got the fuck out of here.
Come on.

To all our listeners,
this is what I have to say.

God bless you all.

And as for you bastards in charge,
don't dream it's over.

Years will come, years will go,

and politicians will do fuck all
to make the world a better place.

But all over the world,
young men and young women

will always dream dreams
and put those dreams into song.

Nothing important dies tonight.

Just a few ugly guys on a crappy ship.

The only sadness tonight is that,
in future years,

there'll be so many fantastic songs
that it will not be our privilege to play.

But, believe you me, they will still be written.

They will still be sung
and they will be the wonder of the world.

Hit it!

I think we better go.

Okay. Do what you gotta do.


Go ahead, Harold.

- QUENTIN: Come on up, Bob. Well done.
- Hello, Bob.


I think we're actually going to die.


I'll explain later.


Tell us, Mark, now at the very end.

What was your secret?

- How did you get all them girls?

Don't say anything at all.

- Nothing?
- Nothing.

Then, when the tension
becomes too much to bear,

you finally, finally, you just say...

"How about it, then?"

- "How about it, then?"
- "How about it, then?"

"How about it, then?" Works every time.


How about it? Well, how about this?

How about this situation here?

Try and fuck your way out of this one, Mark!
We're gonna die!

GAVIN: Come on, Harold!

We are gonna live forever!

- So this is where the party is.
- FELIClTY: Gavin!

- Dude, come on up. Relax, enjoy yourself.
- Good to see you, mate.

- KEVIN: Come on.
- Hold on.

And the Count. Any sign of the Count?


It's not... It's not getting better.

GAVIN: This is it! We are gonna die!


- What?
- A boat!

How big? How big a bloody boat?

It's not actually just one boat.

- QUENTIN: Two boats.
- Three boats.

SIMON: It's ever so slightly
more than three boats.

FELIClTY: How many boats?

I think the technical term
is a fuckload of boats.

There's more!

SIMON: They're everywhere!


Get in the boat!

- Hang on.
- FELIClTY: Gavin!

Let's go! Let's go!

FELIClTY: Gavin!

One, two, three...

All right, there must be another way!

One, two, three...

- I don't want to go!

- Follow me.
- It's water, I can't...

- You just jump!
- No!



There he is! There he is!

Help me!

Over here!

Grab it!


Bob, over here! Come here!

Keep swimming!

- Bob!
- Bob!

- Give me your hand.
- Thank you.

Thanks very much, very good of you.

Give me your hand.

- We've got him!
- Thank you.

Let me look at you. You're gorgeous.

- Angus!
- Yes! I'm alive!


Come over and we'll have a warm bath!


Keep swimming, you're doing really well!

- Marianne!


It's lovely to meet you.

Thank you.

I don't know what I would have done

if anything would've happened to you!
I listen to your show every single morning.

- Who are you?
- I love you.

My name is on your boobies.

Oh, my God!

Calm down.
There's plenty of Dr Dave to go around.


My man!

Yeah, man!

Rock 'n' roll!

That's rock 'n' roll, baby!

Rock 'n' roll!

Rock 'n' roll!

8:00 till 11:00, Gavin Kavanagh, and it says
here, "Coolest man on the planet. "

And that is, strangely,
in his own handwriting.

Some people say that
they don't bother listening to it.

Who says that?
- Well, Dave said that he didn't really like it.

And he did that.

- Yeah.
- Actually, from out there they glint

and make you look sort of satanic.

- See you later, John.
- Okay.

So, Dr Arthur Sea Measure.
That's an interesting name.

Do you mind if I just call you
Doctor For Short?

Yes, that's fine.

Good. So, Doctor For Short,
tell us, oceanographer...

Dr Dave. Not quite so nutty,
but good for your medical requirements.

It does not surprise me that you are single.

Yesterday's anti-war demonstrations
in Bolton...

- Today will be mainly wet. Hey...
- I'm trying not to...

- I didn't mean what I said.
- You didn't?

No, I think you're a good guy
and you're a good egg, you know?


What a prick.

It's a shame you're a lezzer.

I would be nuts deep.

I'm gonna talk into the microphone of love.

And that was Spirit from their first album
entitled, not surprisingly, Spirit.

He's doing it. He's doing it!

You can't see this,
but he has just clicked on this record

with the right boot of his Cuban heel.

Very nice.

That's how you do it, isn't it?

Special thanks to SergeiK.