Religulous Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Religulous script is here for all you fans of the Bill Maher documentary. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Religulous quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Religulous Script


This is it.

I'm standing on the very spot

where many Christians believe
the world will come to an end.

It's called Megiddo.

And it's the place that
the Book of Revelation says

Jesus Christ
will come down to

to end the world and save
the people who believe in him.

Now when Revelations
was written,

only God had the capacity
to end the world,

but now man does too,
because unfortunately,

before man figured out
how to be rational

or peaceful, he figured out
nuclear weapons

and how to pollute
on a catastrophic scale.

And if it's one thing
I hate more than prophecy,

it's self-fulfilling prophecy.

Sometimes in your search
for happiness,

you ponder the meaning
of your life.

Who am I?
How did I come to be?

Death, and then what?

I certainly honestly believe

religion is detrimental

to the progress
of humanity.

You know, it's just selling
an invisible product.

It's too easy.

These questions
about what happens when you die,

they so freak people out

that they will
just make up any story

and cling to it.

You know, things that they know

can't be true,
people who are otherwise

so rational about everything else,

and then they believe that

on Sunday
they're drinking the blood

of a 2,000-year-old God.

I can't--
that's a dissonance in my head.

I can't-- I have to find out.

I just have to find out.
I have to try.

This is the Mount of Olives.
This is Jesus's footprints.

We're here freezing our ass off.

Is there anybody on the stage that

- does not believe in evolution?
- Yeah.

Hurry hurry hurry.

- I like my hat.
- You look good too.

Welcome to Bible Country!

''Birthplace of the Virgin Mary''?

I believe that God wants
everybody to be free.

That's what I believe,

and that's one part
of my foreign policy.

Bill, watch out.

Boy, do I feel cheap.

I want to thank God
for just blessing me so much.

Music has been
a blessing from God.

Thank you, Jesus!

You need a Holy Ghost enema
right up your rear end!

The archives are there on the fifth
floor where you see the curtains.

Yeah, put that away now.
Put that away.

If you look at my stand-up

from like the '80s-- that era--

early '90s,

I talked about religion,
but I'm not ever questioning God.

I'm just making fun
about things

in the religion--

I mean, I would've loved

to have been there for
the first people to hear about this.

We're used to it now,
but you know, I mean,

I'm sure when Moses came
down with this idea,

there had to be one guy going,

''Let me get this straight.''

It was just
a gentle poking fun at Him.

It's almost like
I'm roasting Him.

My mother is Jewish and my father
is Catholic. That is the truth.

I was raised Catholic formally,

although I must say
the Jewish mind comes out

even in the Catholic system.
I'll give you an example.

We used to go into confession

and I would bring
a lawyer in with me.

You know.

Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned.

I think you know Mr. Cohen.

So let me get out some pictures.

There's me.

We weren't brought up Jewish.

I didn't even know
we had that side,

so it was very Catholic.

We went to church
every Sunday,

but I wouldn't take off the gun

and really when I think back,

it wasn't relevant
to my life.

Superman was relevant
and baseball.

We had this family

where one person
was Jewish

and the other three
were Catholic.

Now there it says
''A Sunday noon, fall '66,''

so we must've
just gotten back from church,

'cause I'm in a red suit

and you're choking the dog.

And I guess we got home from church
and took a picture with you.

It never occurred to me to say,

''Why didn't you go to church?''


what church do we belong to?

I don't remember
this ever coming up.

Of course you didn't go
to church with us.

No, we never had a family
discussion about it, never.

We never had
a family discussion about that.

Every family is dysfunctional.

So you thought even this,
which wasn't your religion,

was better than no religion.

Well, even this only
told you good things...

I thought.

But it's just so shamelessly
invented as they go along.

- We can say that now.
- Was anyone--

When we quit
the church, I was 1 3,

and I was of course thrilled,
but not for any ideological reason.

I was just thrilled
'cause I hated church.

It scared me.
It was boring.

I had to get up
on Sunday.

I was 1 3.

I would've worshiped anything
that could've allowed me

to masturbate even more
than I was masturbating

or get a girl. That god I would have
definitely worshipped.

Why do you remember

Dad stopped going to church?

We used birth control,

and the church frowned
on birth control.

That was the biggest sin

- you could ever commit.
- Right, that would--

I think that was possibly--
he never said it to me.

And he never went back.
None of us ever did.

So now that we don't believe,

where did--

Nobody said we don't believe.

We don't believe in Catholicism.

Right, but what do
we believe in now?

Come on.
You're my mother, instruct me.

I don't know
the answer to that.

That's my answer.

We'll take some back roads to see

- some interesting stuff out here.
- Take some back roads.

We are heading toward Raleigh, right?

Oh, yeah, man, can't you feel it?

Do I stand up here?
So as I was going here,

I just jotted down
a few questions that came to my mind.

Are you ever bothered
by many things

that are in Christianity
that are not in the Bible?

Like original sin.

Immaculate conception.

The virgin birth is only
in two of the Gospels-- popes.

Are you worried that these things
came not from the founders,

the people that wrote
this book, but from--

and this is indisputable--
but from men,

from human beings
who came after?

And when I say men,
I mean people with penises.

If you wanna go back
to scientific proof,

I think it was determined
the shroud or whatever that was

went around a while back--
I didn't get involved.

- Shroud of Turin?
- They took blood samples from it,

and it was female blood
with a male figure.

Okay, the only possible way
that could happen was

that the Holy Ghost
impregnated Mary

because it would've
been female blood

because it would've been
the only blood flowing through her.

- It's a faith thing.
- But why is faith good?

Why is believing something
without evidence good?

I don't like the way
this thing's going.

I don't know what
this documentary's supposed to be,

but I don't like
where you're going.

You start disputing my God,

and you got a problem.
I don't know what you--

I'm outta here. You do what
you wanna do, but I'm outta here.

- I'm just asking questions.
- Okay, no problem.

When I've seen what l've seen,
I know there's a God.

You can't change my mind.
Nobody can change my mind.

I walked for 30 years
as a Satanist priest.

From the time I grew up,
I was in Satanism.

For the last six years,
that I was into Satanism,

I was a Satanist priest, okay?

- Real Satanism?
- Yes, real Satanism.

Being addicted to drugs,
and running prostitutes

and the women
and everything that goes with that.

I walked around with rolls
of money in my pocket.

I gave all that up
when I got saved.

When the guy said,
''Yeah, I used to do drugs.

I used to have women,''
and I'm thinking,

- ''And your problem was?''
- Right.

Let me ask you this question:

What if we're right
and you're wrong?

We gonna make it
and you ain't.

If you're being good
just to save your ass

just because,
''Ooh, they might be right

and I just want
to double down here

and make sure that
when I get up to the pearly gates,

that St. Peter doesn't say to me,

'Sorry, asshole,
you had the wrong religion.

Enjoy Hell, buh-bye.'''

That's not a good reason,
and you know that.

Come on, believe in Jesus.
What do you have to lose?

It's like the lotto.

You can't get saved
if you don't play.

Yeah, you could be right.
I don't think it's very likely,

but, yes, you could be right,
because my big thing is I don't know.

That's what I preach.

I preach the gospel
of I don't know!

I mean that's what
I'm here promoting-- doubt.

- That's my product.
- Right.

The other guys are
selling certainty, not me.

I'm on the corner
with doubt.

So, Dr. Collins,

you are a brilliant
brilliant scientist,

the head
of the Human Genome Project.

Now here's what's
so puzzling is that you are

the one scientist--

the one famous scientist anyway--

who's also religious.
Explain that to me.

I would argue that
if you look at the evidence,

the historical evidence
of Christ's existence is overwhelming.

What evidence?

I mean, I've never even heard
anyone propose that there's evidence.

There's been proof
that there's a Jesus.

- That's been proven.
- That hasn't been proven.

How you figure that one?

When I read the New Testament,

it reads to me
as the record of eyewitnesses

who put down what they saw.

You know
they weren't eyewitnesses.

- They were close to that.
- No.

Within a couple
of decades of eyewitnesses.

- Okay.
- Would that stand up in a laboratory

as absolute foolproof evidence

that something happened?

You are setting up
a standard for proof

that I think would really be
an almost impossible standard to meet.

No gospel tells us what he was
doing when he was a young man.

You know,
we see Jesus as an infant

and then we kind of pick up
the story when he's 30.

I think Jesus was probably
an awkward teenager--

big Jewfro,
bad at sports.

Here I am!

The records we have
are all gospels.

Gospels are not history.

Gospel writers never met Jesus,
neither did St. Paul.

No one who wrote
about Jesus ever met him.

How can you go back
into the prophets

and the prophets specifically
specifies that certain things--

Well, first of all,

the New Testament came after
the Old Testament. We agree to that?

I agree to that,
but that doesn't mean anything.

All it means is the people that
wrote the New Testament

read the Old Testament
and then made the prophesies fit.

They can't make it fit
if something didn't happen.

Of course they can.

Then you're saying
the Bible is fictitious?

- I am.
- Can't be.

I am.

We do all know that
those texts don't match.

Yeah, sure.
Would you expect them to?

I'm surprised that things
that are very important to the story

like the virgin birth
isn't in all four of them.

Wouldn't you really expect
that kind of discordance when you're

thinking about the way in which
these documents came into being?

But you'd think if you were
one of Christ's biographers,

that would be sort
of an important thing not to leave out.

Oh, God,
he was also born of a virgin.

They don't notice the virgin birth.

You know, I think that is something
if you were any sort of reporter

you'd put into the story.

What editor looks at the facts and goes,
''Yeah, but take out the thing

about the virgin birth.
That's not interesting.''

I think being without faith

is something that's a luxury

for people who were
fortunate enough

to have a fortunate life.

You know, you go to prison

and you hear a guy say,
''You know what, buddy?

I got nothing but Jesus in here.''

I completely understand that.

I think not having faith
is a luxury sometimes.

If you're in a foxhole,
you probably have a lot of faith, right?

- Mm-hmm.
- So I get that.

But you guys aren't dumb.
You're smart people.

How can smart people--

how can they believe
in the talking snake,

people living to 900 years old
and the virgin birth?

And you know,
that's my question.

You guys have
your own questions.

Pray for me.

Father, in the name of Jesus
and by the power of the Holy Spirit,

we ask right now, Lord,
as we lift up Bill to You, Father,

that You can answer his questions
that we can't answer.

Father, we thank You
right now for the opportunity

that has come today,

that we may voice
our opinions and hear others.

So we ask You, Lord, to touch

and feel wisdom right now
in the name of Jesus.

And we thank You for it
in Jesus's name, amen.

Thank you for being Christlike,
and not just Christian.

Okay. Hey, my wallet!

No, I'm kidding.

You see so many nice people
trying to make it about

something good

and yet it turns
into not just corrupt,

but, like, fucking-little-kids corrupt

and burning-people-alive cor--

I mean, really evil shit.

I'd like to see 10,000 people

give $10,000.

Write your biggest check
and send it in.

We got people on welfare that's got
enough faith to make a $1,000 vow

- and paying it!
- I want to be in the green, Lord!

What I'm about
to say is revelation.

I got it on DVD.
And I have it on DVD.

And you need to get this. Hallelujah!


Is that what I call you?

No, just call me... doctor.

- Doctor?
- Yeah.

All right, Doc. First of all,
I have to tell you, when I heard that

you were in Harold Melvin
and the Blue Notes,

I was like, ''That's my man.''

And it's funny,
because that lyric

can be interpreted religiously.

''If you don't know me
by now.'' Right?

I mean, you must've thought of that.

The song did go platinum.

Teddy Pendergrass,
who led the song,

he was ordained a minister
when he was 10 years old.

What do you think
it says about religion

and how serious it is

if you can be a minister
when you're 10?

But there is a comparison
to be made between

musical stars, rock stars

and religious figures.
They very often both dress

- in elaborate costumes...
- Mm-hmm.

...that get people's attention.

People in a congregation

must know that
the outfit was financed

by their donations,
and it doesn't seem to bother them.

I always dress well.

I see! Are those gators?

Those are lizards.

- Lizards?
- Yes.

- What do they run?
- They don't run. They crawl.

And I see you got a lot of bling.

I like gold.
The people want you to look well.

That's what pimps say
about their women.

I was told by one of the greatest pimps
that ever lived--

his name is called God--

that if you know what you got,

then you ain't got much.

Jesus dressed very well.

Oh, come on.

- Where is the Biblical evidence?
- Wait a minute.

When he was born,
they brought him gold.

They brought him gold.
He was not poor.

So my image of Jesus as a man

who championed the poor
and walked around

in simple garb, that's wrong?

It was linen.
It was fine linen.

- Really?
- Yeah.

But Jesus constantly preaches
against rich people.

The Bible does not speak
against being rich.

- Jesus does. Very plainly.
- No no.

Jesus was very
very against the rich.

He never preached against being poor.
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for--

No, he preached
against being rich.

No no no, he said that
it's better for a rich man--

than a rich man to enter--

It is easier for a camel to go
through the eye of a needle

than for a rich man
to enter the Kingdom.

Okay, but now things
like houses and cars

and clothes and money,

they come as a result

of my seeking God first.

I don't remember that

in the New Testament specifically.

But it's there. I remember it.

The houses, the cars

and the clothes, they'll come.

Yeah, money comes,
money happens, you know.

Well, money happens for you
because they're giving it up to you.

You're not giving it up to them.

Let me set the record straight.

I do not receive
a salary from the church.

I do not take a salary
from the church.

- You take it right out of the pot.
- No no no.

It's such a powerful position.

I mean, you hold people's

greatest hopes and dreams
in the palm of your hand, really.

Certainly, some of the young women
must get a crush on you.

Probably. I wouId too
if I was out there.

If I was a woman, I'd probably
have a crush on me, too.

That's keepin' it real.

Now I can advise other young men
about women, because I've been there.

I had a young man who was
about to go crazy over a woman.

He was about
to kill himself, you know?

I said, ''That kind of passion,
you should have for God.''

I said, ''Turn that to God
and see what happens.''

St. Paul, for example,
whom I know you compare yourself to.

People do.

But he famously
only wore on his back

the clothes that he owned.

- Should I assume that this is--
- He was always on the run.

This is your only $2,000 suit?

The gentleman who made
this suit for me

owns a clothing store.

Mr. Kane, you in the house?

The prices that I get
my cIothes for--

- you know, I'm blessed in that area.
- Yes, you are.

I'm more blessed than
I've ever been all the days of my life.

And the owner is a Muslim,
which-- I came out of Islam.

I know, I think it's very interesting
that you're a Christian now,

you were a Muslim
and when you get your clothes,

you buy them like a Jew.

And action!

That's right-- behind me and above me
is the original Twin Cities,

Sodom and Gomorrah.

Apparently, it was
a pretty wicked place.

How wicked?

Well let's just say that
what happened in Gomorrah,

stayed in Gomorrah.

That is until God got wind of it,

so he sent two angels
to investigate.

Now the angels went to the house

of the one godly man in town-- Lot.

And the townspeople tried
to rape them.

Now Lot,

not wanting his town
to get the reputation

as the kind of place
that would rape angels,

offered up to the mob
his own daughters to rape.

And he was
the good guy in town.

Which brings me
to this question:

If I ever had to swear an oath,

why would I want to put my hand

on the King James Bible?

I think I could find more morality
in the Rick James Bible.

God hates fags.

The Constitution does not
grant to homosexuals

the right to perform sodomy.

- I'm a monk.
- A monk.


What do you think
of homosexuality?

Do you think that's--
the Bible is against it.

No, the Bible is not against it.

The Bible's not
against homosexuality?

If you are born homosexual,
you are to stay there.

- You have to be happy.
- But that's what the Bible says?

What the Bible means to say, yeah.

Oh, what the Bible means to say!

Now that's a good book.

It preaches the rock-solid truth.

You are faggots!

I don't hate them.
God hates them.

- Hey, Bill.
- How are you? Nice to meet you.

Okay. Okay.

So of course, the reason
why we're here is because you're--

I guess we would say, ex-gay.

You used to be gay

and then you married someone
who used to be a lesbian.

And you have three children,
and I guess the jury's out on them.

Okay, and would you say
it's just like any other marriage

of 14 years--
you never have sex?

Oh, funny. Ha ha. Got that.

I don't classify myself
as ex-gay, you know?

I'm a heterosexual guy
who dealt

with some homosexuality.

Okay, so the people
who come here are people

who are wanting to do what you did.

They want to reform their life
and lead a heterosexual life.

But I will be honest with you.
The reality's a lot of people come here

and go right back
into whatever they came from.

- Because they're gay!
- I believe that it's sin.

Excuse me, but don't you have it,
no pun intended, ass-backwards?


Meaning homosexuality

is something that occurs in nature.

I was out bird watching,
but I'd rather watch you.

Why don't you come over
and get some?

Man is who wrote
the Bible.

Nature made gay people.

Nobody's born gay.
There's no scientific or--

Really? Have you ever met
Little Richard?

We can look at creation and say,
''What's the normal order?''

A man has a penis.
A woman has a vagina.

Let's just be blunt.

There's no scientific
data that proves

that anyone is--
there's no gay gene.

And you also discovered
the gay gene?


This is all coming from the Bible
which you believe...

- Right.
- be the word of God.

- I do.
- All of the proscriptions

against homosexuality come
from the Old Testament.

Jesus never said a word
about homosexuality.

And if it's so important,
why didn't he ever bring it up?

We could pick lots of little things

that he didn't
specifically talk about.

- But this is a big thing.
- Let me stop this whole thing.

You know, I'm not sure what
your documentary is about,

but if it's to basically refute
the word of God,

then I'm not interested
in doing your interview, okay?

- Well, I--
- I think that

obviously you don't have
the same relationship

with Jesus Christ that I do.

But what is your explanation
for the millions and millions of people

around the world who are

- Ieading homosexual lives...
- Well, it's not millions.

...have no interest in anyone
of the opposite sex?

Are they all faking
just to piss off Jesus?

They didn't choose this.
They didn't desire it.

Right, they were born gay.

No, they weren't born that way.

It's because of the insecurity
within theirselves.

It takes a lot of security to walk out
of the house with assless chaps.

- They're not happy, most of them.
- They're called gay.

They took the word.

Some of them look positively thrilled.

No, they are people who
are really not complete

in who they are
as men or women.

That's a pretty big judgment
for a Christian.

- It's not a judgment.
- That's not a judgment?

That you are sitting here
telling these people

who you don't even know
that they're incomplete

because they're not like you?

I mean, it's not the people you suspect

that are gay, that are gay.

People like
the Reverend Ted Haggard...

Moral purity is better than immorality.

...who kept meeting
homosexual prostitutes in a hotel room

and having gay sex with speed.

Evangelicals have the best
sex life of any other group.

- Good Morning, Duane!
- But he wasn't gay?

I aIready answered that.

I don't believe that
anybody is gay.

I don't know,
but honestly, if I just saw you

in a bar or something, I would say--
and don't take this the wrong way--

I would say, ''Yeah,
I think that guy is gay.''

You're good looking.
You're neat, you know.

- You don't look like me.
- Meaning?


- All right, thank you.
- Can I give you a hug?

- Yes!
- I hug everybody,

so can I give you a hug?

- Thanks.
- Thank you very much.

Hey, you didn't have
a hard-on there, did you?

Nope, sorry. Can't do that.

That was good, though.

When I was 17,
my first girlfriend dumped me,

and I was sad in a way
I'd never been sad.

You know,
your first dumping is the worst.

And at that point,
you're very vulnerable

to any sort of connection

with, you know--

I didn't get like Jesus-religious,

but I did think a force out there

was communicating to me
through song lyrics or--

numerology I was
very interested in for a while.

You said you were groping
for something at that time.

You know, you make up
an imaginary friend who loves you,

is sympathetic to you
and has a plan for you.

It's much more important.
He didn't have to love me, God,

He just had
to be working for me.

You know, He's like an agent.

So you are an ex-Jew for Jesus.

That is correct.

Now what made you to decide
to be a follower of Christ?

What brought Christ
into your life?

Back in '75,

I went to Michigan
State University.

- $2,700?
- Yeah, it's pricey.

Boy, I wonder what Madonna
without the child runs you.

So getting back to my story,
I could ask God

to do things in the name
of Jesus and they would happen.

So I can't even recall
all the little miracles He did,

but He proved to me that
He was real and He was there.

They were so miraculous
and you can't remember what they were?

There were so many of them
and they were little things.

- Give me an example.
- One example I can remember was

I was at a party.

There was a guy who was working
with Jews for Jesus,

and I asked him,
''Can I get a drink of water?''

And he says,
''You know what? Here's a glass,

stick your hand out the window
and pray for rain.''

I didn't like the attitude.

I said okay,

and I stuck my hand out the window
and it started pouring rain.

Pouring so bad that people
couldn't leave the party.

To me, that's a miracle.
You don't have to believe it,

- but I know between me and God--
- It is pretty lame.

- But you asked.
- I asked, but I'm just saying

- that's my reaction to your answer.
- But that's just one of many things.

I live a life of miracles.

No, you live your life with the same
sort of mundane coincidences

that happen to everybody
in the world.

It's not like,
you know, if it rained frogs,

I would say you had a point.

But it rains, and it stops raining.

Well, when was the last time
you asked for rain

and it starting raining
within 10 seconds?

I don't know.
I don't ever ask for rain.

But if I asked for it really bad
and it started to rain,

I wouldn't think it was
because I asked for it.

I would think
because it sometimes rains.

God is not that busy

where He can't spend time
listening to you

when you really want
to talk to Him, anytime.

If Santa Claus can hit
every house in the world

- in one night--
- I don't believe in Santa Claus.

Of course not, that's ridiculous.
That's one man flying

all around the world and dropping
presents down a chimney.

That's ridiculous.
One man hearing everybody murmur

to him at the same time, that I get.

And you know what else
was very confusing to me?

I remember vividly

was Santa Claus

- and Jesus.
- You were so mad at us.

- Oh, yes.
- So mad at you, why? Oh, when--

When you realized there
was no Santa Claus.

And then when I found out
there was no Jesus,

boy, was I pissed.

You spoke before in certitude.

you'll go to a better place.

I know I'll be with God.
I'll be with Jesus.

And that's a better place.

Even if it was in a garbage can,

which I know it won't be,
but even if it was,

just the fact that
I'm with Jesus, to me, is good.

- It's a better place.
- It's a better place.

Then why don't you kill yourself?

Because God still has
a mission for me here.

Oh, I see.

I'm thinking of Jonah.
God sent Jonah on a mission.

When did the part of the story come
when Jonah lived in the whale?

It was a great fish.

It's one of my favorite
nonsense stories,

Jonah living inside
of the whale.

And their answer unfailingly is

''The Bible doesn't say whale.
It says big fish.''

Oh, yeah, big fish,
that makes--

I'm sorry l was obsessing
on that it was a whale. It's a big fish.

Of course you could live
for three days in a big fish.

A tuna.

They do it all the time in Japan.
They have tuna spas.

You go for three days.
They pamper you, oils.

You come out of that tuna
feeling fantastic.

You smell like pussy,

but you feel fantastic.

This man lived inside
of a fish for three days?

Miraculously, yes.

Steve, Steve, Steve.

You don't believe in miracles.

- That doesn't mean they don't exist.
- Of course not!

I'm not 10!

He lived in a fish.

Come on.

Your bar on miracles is pretty low,
I gotta tell you, bro.

Well, whatever.

Two things that are
completely incompatible

are Christianity
as Jesus taught it

- and nationalism...
- Right. Exactly.

...and yet people always
say God and country.

Jesus would never--
you know,

people who are
such good Christians--

in one breath you'll hear them
say something like,

''Well, you gotta take care
of your own first.

I know people overseas have trouble,
but you gotta take''--

that is not a message I can ever see
the Jesus in the Bible,

even when he was
in a bad mood, would say.

I'm gonna vote Bible.

It's time for God's people to come

out of the closets,
out of the churches

and change America!

Unless you and I do
what God wants us to do,

he'll go to some other country.

God, forgive America!

I would probably have to say yes,
that the Constitution established

the United States of America
as a Christian nation.

We have, of course,
''In God We Trust'' on our money.

The Senate will come to order.

The chaplain will lead
the Senate in prayer.

How did this country
get to be a Christian nation?

I've read a lot of quotes
from all the Founding Fathers.

There are a lot of quotes
that explicitly say

we're not a Christian nation.

And Jefferson's
a particularly interesting case.

Didn't he write his own Bible
which divorced the New Testament

from what he considered
the unnecessary magic,

bells and whistles?

He took the Gospels,

took out all of Jesus's miracles

and took out
all of Jesus's statements

that claimed divinity,

and put out a new book called
''The Faith and Moral Teachings

of Jesus of Nazareth.''

We tend to lionize these guys
and think of them all

as the 1 2 Apostles
plus the Founding Fathers,

like they're in the same
club or something.

When in fact,
these men understood very well

that there was a difference
between being Christian

and being American.

- Right.
- In Jefferson's age, fewer people went

to church less often.

Do you think that there
are a lot of people

who feel the way you do,
but are afraid to speak out?

Absolutely. Are you kidding?

Yes, I think it is
the great untapped minority

in this country.

In the last survey,

who now say they are
absolutely unaffiliated

with any religion,
don't want to be in a religion,

just don't go near me
with religion.

a huge minority.
It's bigger than Jews,

blacks, homosexuals,
NRA members,

lots of people you could name
who have lobbies

that get everything they want

or are at least are in the debate.

You want me to kinda angle
like this or straight ahead?

Just as natural as possible to Bill.

So you've described yourself
as an Evangelical Christian.

You did a campaign ad where you said
the most important lessons in life

are in this book right here,
meaning the Bible.

Everyone in politics likes
to brag that they're a person of faith.

Why is faith good?

Faith has a way

of softening people.

For example, if you look at the
teachings of Jesus, he's very forgiving.

He also said,
''If a man doesn't abide in me,

he is cast forth
as a branch and withers,

and the branches are gathered,
thrown into the fire and burned.''

Right. So?

I do think, 'cause I'm a Christian,

that Jesus is the way
to be reconciled.

And I do believe
the actual literacy of that story.

We'll let God sort out all the details
of that on Judgment Day.

What about
the 10 Commandments?

So many politicians talk
about the 10 Commandments.

Are they really the 10 most

- important moral--
- Are these the 10 suggestions?

The 10 recommendations?

But it's not really a wide list of 10.

The first four are all

about just worshipping God
and basically that he's a jealous God,

and he doesn't want you
to have any other gods.

The only two that are really laws

are don't steal and don't kill.

Why is this the wisest group of 10?

It doesn't include child abuse.
It doesn't include don't torture.

It doesn't include
a lot of things-- rape--

that I think if we were
making a list today,

we would probably include.

Society is so different today

and our culture is
so radically different today.

That's what I'm asking.
We're in a different culture.

Can you think of anything else that
we still cleave to from the Bronze Age?


Basically, murder is against the law
in every country in the world.

But wouldn't we have come
to that even without religion?

Don't you think people would
have gotten together and said,

''You know what?
Let's not slaughter each other

- and not take each other's stuff.''
- I don't know.

There's been more killing
in the name of ''My God.''

You think maybe sort of indigously

or just by our DNA,

we somehow know that killing
another person is wrong?

I'm not sure that that's the case.

Really, you need God
to decide not to kill each other?

Well, you can look back
at more primitive cultures,

and they were constantly at war.

We are now, among industrialized,
modern nations,

the most religious nation.

A recent study found that

among 32 countries,

more people in this country
doubted evolution

than any other country on that list,
except, I think, it was Turkey.

In the US,
we have freedom of religion.

I think most of the countries on
that list do have freedom of religion.

Well, that's interesting.

Do you believe in evolution?

You know my-- I don't know.

Clearly the scientific community's
a little divided

on some of the specifics
of that and I understand that.

- I don't think they are.
- No no-- well--

I think they pretty much agree.

I don't know how it all happened.

I'm certainly willing to accept
the scientific premise.

It couldn't possibly
have been Adam and Eve

5,000 years ago with a talking snake
and a garden, could it?

Well, it could've
possibly been that.

Come on.
See, this is my problem.

I mean, you're a senator.

You are one
of the very few people

who are really
running this country.

It worries me that people are
running my country who think--

who believe
in a talking snake.

You don't have to pass an IQ test
to be in the Senate, though.

As you first come
into the Creation Museum,

there's going to be a sense

of ''This is something really big.''

This is something awe-inspiring,
something great here.

We can answer the questions
of the skeptics

that attack
the Bible's history.

We admit that we start
from the Bible here

to teach them how to think.

Really, in a nutshell,
we're saying, the Bible's true

from Genesis to Revelation.

We're building the whole place
for about $27 million.

I have many people say to me,

''As a Christian,
can't you believe in evolution?''

I say, ''Well, you got a problem.
God made a man and a woman.''

If you believe in evolution, the woman
had to come from an ape woman.

All right,
but you're so damned ugly.

This is what we call the main hall
here. Immediately, people see

dinosaurs and people together,
which is very different

to the idea of the evolutionists
who say dinosaurs died out

70 million ago or so,
and so they didn't live with humans.

They see an animatronic
dinosaur over here.

Two animatronic baby T-Rexes
and two animatronic children.

It's basically just to give people
a wow factor as they come in here.

How to share your faith
effectively and Biblically,

to be able to reason
with people,

learn to circumnavigate

or go around
the person's intellect.

There's plenty of people who
would say, ''Well, it's just my faith.''

But that's not good enough
for you. You say, ''No.

We can basically
reconcile the science

with what's in Genesis.''

We're an organization that--
to put it in a nutshell--

is telling people that
the Bible's history is true,

its history beginning
in Genesis.

Scientists line up

on one side of this issue.
It would have to be

an enormous conspiracy
going on between scientists

of all different disciplines
in all different countries

to have such a consensus.

That doesn't move you?

No, not at all, because from
a Biblical perspective,

I understand why the majority
would not agree with the truth.

Man is a sinner.
Man is rebelling against his creator.

All these scientists
are sinners?


We have been talking
to so many religious people

and many of them believe
the earth is 5,000 years old.

If you're a scientist,
you can't accept that.

Now you recently were the director
of the Vatican Observatory.

A Vatican astronomer.

It's one of those terms
like ''gay Republican''--

you know,
you just don't expect it.

- I'm not getting into that.
- No no no, I'm not asking you to.

It's not that the church
has the idea, you know,

they're gonna train us up
so we can be the first ones out there

to baptize those extraterrestrials

before the Mormons get at 'em.

The reason is simply

historical facts.

John Paul ll,
for instance, said evolution

in the neo-Darwinian sense is
no longer a mere hypothesis.

I mean, he said that.
It's in writing.

I still don't understand
why it's important

for there to have to have been
a situation on earth

where a man co-existed
with dinosaurs.

Only really
in ''The Flintstones''...

Is someone talking about me?

...and that Raquel Welch movie

does man ever co-exist
with dinosaurs.

Why is that important
for your salvation or your morality?

If you're saying
this part over here,

it says God made land animals
and man on the same day is not true,

then ultimately, why should
I believe this bit over here?

The Christian Scriptures
were written

between about 2,000 years
before Christ

to about 200 years after Christ.

That's it.

Modern science came
to be with Galileo

up through Newton,
up through Einstein.

What we know
as modern science, okay,

is in that period.

How in the world could
there be any science

in scripture?

There cannot be.

Just the two historical
periods are separated

by so much.

The Scriptures are not

teaching science.

It's very hard for me to accept,

not just a literal interpretation
of scripture,

but a fundamentalist approach
to religious belief.

It's kind of a plague.

It presents itself
as science and it's not.

God is an infinite God
who is working in ways

- we don't always understand.
- You don't think that's a cop-out?

He is God.

Are you God?


We went to church every Sunday.

My sister and I went to Catechism,
which is Catholic, you know,

like Hebrew school for papists.

It was like war.

It was vast stretches
of boredom punctuated

by moments of sheer terror.

I'm in the Vatican.


I know what you're thinking.
I'm standing in front of a green screen

at a studio
in Burbank, California,

and they digitalized
the Vatican in behind me.

No no, that's really the Vatican.

I ought to know.
I just got thrown out of it.

See, I wanted
to interview the Pope,

but I was willing to settle
for a cardinal or a monsignor

or the Flying Nun--
really anybody--

but apparently I've been on the
Catholic shit list for quite a while.

But that's their loss, 'cause now
I'm gonna say what I really think,

which is mainly:

Does that look anything

like anything Jesus Christ
had in mind?

When you look at a building
like that, a giant palace,

does it seem at odds
with the message of the founder?

Well, certainly.

- Well, thank you.
- I mean, that's obvious.

It really is obvious, isn't it?
But does it bother you?

Well, I mean--
well, yes it does.

I wouldn't--
if I were the boss,

I wouldn't be living there.

I mean Jesus would be
probably out in some barracks here

in a suburb of Rome, got it?

Do you ever get so fed up
you want to take the collar and go...

- Well, I don't wear a collar anyway.
- ...''That's it, Captain.

Take my badge and my collar.''

I read about 10 books recently--
the rationality of religion,

and everyone's saying it's stupid.

You know what's
gonna happen to them.

- No, what's gonna happen?
- They're gonna be roasting in hell.

Come on, roasting.
That's the old Catholic thing.

That's what they taught me.

Yeah, I know, that hell business.

Well, come on, the standard doctrine
that I was taught as a kid--

Yeah, that's all gone.
That's all finished.

But that's not fair.

- Yeah, pfft!
- The date of Jesus's birth

really wasn't established
until 349 A.D.

Oh, yeah...

because he might've
been born on July 3rd.

These are all
nice stories, you know.

- And that doesn't bother you, either?
- That bothers me too.

I mean, when everybody's,
''Ooh, we have to have midnight mass

because Jesus was born
on midnight on 25th of''--

this is all nonsense.

- You're a maverick, aren't you?
- I'm not a maverick.

You're Father Maverick.
You do things your own way.

When you add up
all the saints and all the angels

and archangels
and super-duper angels--

there's God, the Father,
God the Son, the Holy Ghost,

Mother Mary--
it does start to look like

it's not quite
the monotheistic religion that it's--

Oh, I understand.
Like we have mini-gods.

Yeah, well, it does seem like that,
if people pray to a--

Well, yeah, but some people
just don't understand this.

You probably are--
you don't follow things--

but they had a survey here
in Italy, you know,

and they said, ''In a crisis,

what kind of saints
do you pray to?'' Got it?

You know who's the sixth
on the list? Jesus Christ.

The sixth?

He's the sixth man
that the Italians call upon

when they have problems.
Isn't that neat?

- That's very interesting.
- Talk about Cafeteria Catholics. Pfft!

So how do you convince people
of what's the true faith?

You don't, forget it.
You just have to live and die

with their stupid ideas.

I'm sorry.
What are you gonna do?

You can go to a pitch meeting
at a movie studio and go,

''Okay, there's a spaceman

who zaps a virgin

and he gives birth
to a son who's also him,

who then goes
on a suicide mission.''

I wonder what people
would say about that.

Yeah, that is actually
a great pitch.

It has so many elements
that they like,

because they love
suicide missions.

They love violence,
and Hollywood loves something

it's never seen before-- a virgin.

Hey, Shalom.

We're so glad to have you here.
Just come and get blessed.

These are here to teach God's word.

We're in a spiritual warfare.

We don't push our beliefs on people,

but we do make them available.

- Have you ever had a Muslim person?
- Yes, definitely.

People from Gaza Strip come.

We get many people
who come here say,

''We've come every year
to Florida

and we've done the tourist
things and all and we enjoy those.

We wish we had
seen this first,''

because their experience
here was so meaningful.

Do you think if--
when you were a kid--

they transposed the Bible stories

with the fairy tales, you'd know
the difference as an adult?

- My name is Eve.
- I'm Adam.

This place is amazing.

If they told you Jack
and the Beanstalk was religion

and that a man who lived
in a whale was in a fairy-tale book...

you think when you got
to be an adult,

you'd be defending
the one instead of the other?

So you're saying that
the Bible's a fairy tale?

God took my rib like this

and began to whittle it

like this

and blow on it...
and then--

Saved means believing
in Jesus Christ

- as the only begotten Son of God.
- Not for me, it don't.

What about the Muslims?

Many Muslims are
saved right now.

I don't get it.

I pray in your lifetime you do.

Jesus came through a Jew.
He was not the seed of man.

He came through
a Jewish woman,

but no man had
ever touched her.

No flesh had ever
touched her.

He was the seed of God.

You want me to lean up against
the tomb or something

or you want casual or-- okay.

Did I give you my cell phone?

Oh, I left my cell phone, right?
Just want to make sure.

Testing one two,
check, testing.

How you doing, Bill?
God bless you.

- Hi.
- Seen you around.

- Welcome to our world.
- I've seen you around.

Now is this your tomb?
Is this a real rock?

No, it's just cement.
They just kind of cemented it in there.

So when you go out to dinner,
people recognize you?

All the time, yeah.

I think you get
a little bit of that, too.

But they don't think I'm the Lord.
You must really be--

Why do you think people come here?
'Cause Disneyland's too smutty?

I personally haven't been
to the Holy Land,

so this was an awesome experience
for me when I walked on the property.

- I was like, ''Wow, this is cool.''
- Let me ask you questions

- about your business...
- Yes.

...or really the Jesus business.
God is super powerful.

- He can do anything.
- Sure.

Why doesn't
he just obliterate the devil

and therefore get rid
of evil in the world?

- He will.
- He will? What's he waiting for?

- End times.
- But why play it out like that?

- Why make it a game?
- Well, it's not necessarily a game.

A day is like a thousand years
in God's eyes, it says in the Bible.

If you wanna look at it--
just like two days ago, Christ died.

But I know that he is
so far beyond any of our ways,

that he can work
the worst situation for his good.

What was the Holocaust?
Why was that good?

You know, God had a plan for that.
Maybe it's to cause--

I wonder if you would have thought
that if you were one of the people

- being pushed into an oven.
- Well, you know what?

It's like trying to explain
to an ant how a TV works.

That's-- God's ways are
so much higher than ours.

There's no way
you can understand that.

We need to stop the interview
for just a moment, please.

- Nice to see you.
- Senior manager of public relations.

- Hi, Les, I'll be right with you.
- Hi. Sure.

I'm not afraid
of the piranha women.

When he came, he said, ''I come not
to abolish the law, but to fulfill it.''

You boil all those
Levitical laws down to two things:

No other God is before me, Bill,

and love the Lord with all your heart.

But, Jesus, having
no other gods before you,

that's not moral.
There's nothing moral about that.

It's just something
a jealous god would do.

It does say that our God
is a jealous god.

But your God is jealous?
That seems so unGodlike

that God would have such
a petty human emotion.

I know people who have
gotten over jealousy,

- let alone God.
- There's two sides to the coin.

He's a just God
and he's also a merciful God.

No, he spends the first five books
of the Bible wiping out people.

That's what he chose to do.
His ways are higher than ours, Bill.

- Maybe our thinking should be higher.
- That's a good point.

God has got
this God-sized hole in your life.

You can fit that
with any position--

drugs, sex, whatever you want--
it is not gonna fill it.

- Can I try?
- You can try all you want.

You're gonna end up
hurting yourself,

damaging yourself
and burning yourself up.

I thought Christ was
about not judging people.

- That's true.
- Isn't that a judgment there?

You don't know me and you're telling me
I need to fill a hole in my heart

- with drugs and sex.
- No, I'm not talking about you.

I'm saying anyone in general.

See, if I was God, I would create people
without the hole to begin with.

Have you ever had a little voice in
the back of your mind say something?

- We've all had that.
- That's called the Holy Spirit.

- That's not God. That's you.
- That's called the Holy Spirit.

- Feel this wind right now?
- Yeah.

Okay, where is it?
You don't know, right?

- Yeah, it's called wind.
- Okay, that's like the Holy Spirit.

It's a monotheistic religion,
but there's three of them.

Just like water can be ice,
steam and water.

I see.

It's different forms, different shapes
for the different purposes.

The analogy that Jesus
at the amusement park

said yesterday was brilliant,

about the Trinity is like water.

It can be steam. It can be ice.

It can be liquid.
Wow, that is--

boy, that stopped me
in my tracks for a second, you know?

That's just a brilliant analogy.

When you think about it
for two minutes,

it's still complete bullshit.

There this space God
and he's himself

and he sent himself
on a suicide mission.

He's a God, but he has a kid.
He's a single parent.

It's just silly, but when you put it
in the water analogy,

I can see that, you know,
those ladies there,

when they heard that the first time,
they were like, done.

Sold. Oh, you had me
at ice cube.

Moving on.
Does it ever bother you

that the story of a man

who was born of a virgin
was resurrected?

Your bio was something that was
going around the Mediterranean

for at least 1,000 years.

We've got Krishna who was in India

1,000 years before Christ.
Krishna was a carpenter,

born of a virgin, baptized in a river.

Are you saying that
was written in history?

That was written down in history,
is that what you're saying?

Absolutely, there's the Persian god
Mithra, 600 years before Christ.

Born December 25th,
performed miracles,

resurrected on the third day,

known as the Lamb, the Way, the Truth,
the Light, the Savior, Messiah.

Stop! Blasphemer!

All I know is that
I don't go by that hearsay.

I go by the word of God.
I know that's why I believe.

- Well, I believe it because it's truth.
- Believe it, yes.

But there's a difference
between truth and what you believe.

In the Bible it tells us that all things
are possible with God, okay?

Study the religions
of the Mediterranean region

for a thousand years before.

Many of the gods were born
on December 25th.

- No, it's not.
- It's not a new one.

It's funny you should bring
that up because of course

in ''Star Wars: Episode I--
The Phantom Menace,''

Anakin is born to a virgin.

People see that
and say, ''Wait a second.

Where have we heard that before?''
That's not original.

- But the Jesus story wasn't original.
- How so?

Let me ask you a question.
Let's say, if you take the side

- that this is all made up...
- I do.

...what if you're wrong?

What if you're wrong?

"" Like a lamb came the Messiah ""

"" Christ the King ""

"" And he chose to walk that road ""

"" Out of his love ""

"" For you ""

"" And me. ""

Was Jesus a sinner?

One master. One word.
I am your master.

Who do we put away
in the asylums?

Xenu brought us here

75 million years ago,

stacked us around volcanoes

and blew them up with an H-bomb.

We are older than the universe.

You have to rid yourself

of the implants

from the extraterrestrial dictators!

- Get an E-Meter. Yes, get an E-Meter!
- An E-meter?

Audit yourself.

How do you people expect
to get to the next level?

I'm not making the rules.


You know, Scientologists...

And right, you're like,
''Oh, yeah, that's some crazy shit. Okay.

Jesus with the virgin birth
and the dove and the snake

who talked in the garden,
that's cool.

But the Scientologists,
they're the crazy ones.''

That's not true.

That-- that--
I don't have any idea

of what
you're talking about.

But it has something to do
with making sure

that we're born with a defect,

so that the souls of ours

are infected with aliens...

Thank you.

...because the cure?

They're all crazy.
Yes, the religions do get even crazier.

They have to to keep up.

They keep raising the bar.
After you've done the virgin birth,

you know,
where do you go?

We're not getting the top?

- We got the top.
- Oh, okay.

That's the Mormon Temple
behind me.

To be a Mormon is to believe
some really crazy stuff,

crazy even by the standards
of the big religions.

When you're the new kid
on the block--

Thank you.
That was helpful.

You're the new kid
on the block

and all the good crazy has
already been picked over,

so you kind of have to up the ante.


God damn it.

Not while
I'm in the middle of it.

Well, we do have it.

Boy, a lot of people came

- out of the woodwork.
- Yeah.

So did you guys get anybody
from the church to talk to?

Well, if you count getting
thrown off the property

- ''talked to.''
- That's probably better.

We'd like you
to ''Meet the Mormons.''

In the founding scripture,
you open up the Doctrine of Covenants,

you read the autobiography
of Joseph Smith.

He quotes Jesus Christ as telling him

that every other creed
on earth is, quote,

''an abomination.''
An abomination.

I mean, that's not
a very ecumenical statement.

You're talking about things that,
I think, at some level

you sense just
do not make sense.

I'm glad you said that because I read
some of the tenets of Mormonism,

like ''God lives on a planet
near the star of Kalob.''

- Kolob.
- Kolob.

God the Father who's a physical man
with a body of flesh and bone

is probably about 6' tall,
lives on a place called Kolob,

had sexual relations with Mary--
remember he's a man.

''Jesus Christ was conceived
by God the father

having actual sex with Mary.''

Mary said, ''If this is what God wants,

I'll be glad to do His will.''

''Dark skin is a curse from God,

but if you're sufficiently righteous,

a dark-skinned person

can become light-skinned.''

According to
the Book of Mormon,

after his resurrection,
Jesus came to the Americas

to preach to the Indians.

''That American Indians are
actually a lost tribe of Israel.''

They're lost Jews.

And also the idea

that Christianity
is American,

I think, is an amazing
entitlement to a people

who are always trying
to meld God and country.

The Garden of Eden was
in Missouri according to Mormonism.

The new Jerusalem
will be there.

Branson, I'm hoping.

I've also heard that the Mormon Church
baptizes dead people.

You can be baptized
for about 50 people,

100 people that've died.

And so you just get dunked
about 50 to 100 times.

That's baptism for the dead.

Caffeine is evil.
That magic underwear can protect you.

And that you need
a secret password to get into heaven.

Everyone must stand
at the final judgment

before Joseph Smith,
Jesus and Elohim.

This isn't an easy religion.

Why do you think it is that
so few people

do what you have done
and leave the church?

The moment you acknowledge
to yourself that Joseph Smith

did not tell the truth about
his experiences and his achievements,

you just committed
social suicide.

- Family and friends...
- Family and friends.

...will-- you're off the deep end.

Dr. Andrew Newberg,
nice to meet you.

I've finally met someone
who's studied... neurotheology.

This is getting very close
to something I always say,

which is that religion is
a neurological disorder.

What does the brain look like
when it's hopped up on God?

We see a lot of different colors,
which help us to--

tell us what
the activity is in the brain

and what we have found is that
there are some very specific changes

when people are actually
meditating or praying

or even speaking in tongues,
which was our last study.

In the name of Jesus,

you've been made whole
by the power of God.

- Speaking in tongues?
- We studied people speaking in tongues.

They're just babbling,
though, right?

They're not really speaking
in a language they don't know.

It's not an actual language,
but what's--

Just bullshit, Doc,
come on.

Isn't that something?

I love you.

So you would agree that
even if a billion people

believe something,
it can still be ridiculous?

- Absolutely.
- But the Jews, I mean, they're--

excuse me, Jewish friends--
but they're as cuckoo as anybody,

especially the really Orthodox ones.

You are one of the
few Jewish people in the world

who does not believe
in the state of Israel.

You do not think the state

- of Israel should exist.
- Correct.

- Okay.
- God gave us the land of Israel.

On Mount Sinai where we made
this bond with God,

He said, ''I'm giving you the land,
but I'm stipulating--

very clearly stipulating-- you must
be on a certain level of holiness.''

You will see it clearly
that we were sent out of the land.

So basically you're saying that

the Jewish people have
not been holy enough

to deserve
the land of Israel.

God understands what is good for us,
what is bad for us...

- First of all--
- ...what will bring us safety or not.

Let me just finish.

God told us, though,
if you will go against God--

- God manipulates the world--
- Okay, I--

Wait a second.
Let me finish this.

God said if you're going
to try to make the state,

you will be unsuccessful.

You are looking through--

you're trying to look
at this world through a keyhole.

I'm looking through the key--

Let me finish.
God is compassionate.

Everything is directly
from God, we believe.

- But it seems to me--
- I'll now explain what you're asking.

The concept of saying

that we've suffered
enough anti-Semitism--

Never again.

So you don't say ''Never again.''
You say ''Again.''

Yeah. Let us understand
that the Jewish people

were living in exile
for 2,000 years

under God's protection

and we were living
in Western civilization--

- Germany, Poland. Not anymore...
- Let me finish.

We were living amongst
all nations throughout the years.

...'cause they're all dead.
How many people died in the Holocaust?

You're jumping.
Let's jump to the Holocaust.

I thought the issue
was Jewish safety.

I thought the issue was
how many Jews are dying.

So let's talk
about Jewish safety.

Okay, I'm sure there was a few--

A couple million Jews died,
that's okay, that's the wording you use?

You're the one who went
to Iran in December 
for the president

of that country's
Holocaust ''denial'' conference.

Whoa, don't just throw words.

Why does Ahmadinejad say
that he wants Israel

- to be wiped from the face of the--
- When did he say that?

- He did.
- He never said that.

What did he say?
What was the exact quote?

- He said it should disappear.
- What, is he David Copperfield?

- That's chutzpah.
- Never again, Rabbi, never again.

Wait. One more second.

No, I'm out.

We have Conservatives.
We have Reforms.

We have the Orthodox.

You are an observing Jew.

It says it right there
in the fourth commandment:

Honor the Sabbath day
to keep it holy.

Friday night to Saturday night,
you don't do anything.

Yeah, the rabbis over the centuries
have created these prohibitions

as a way to try
to protect the day of rest.

You can't use electricity.
You can't drive.

Let's talk a little about
keeping the Sabbath holy.

I've always wondered
if it came about

because God rested
on the Sabbath

and that's why man has to.

That's right,
and that was the creation

of the seventh day,
that there should be rest.

There are 39 types of specific actions

that cannot be done on the Sabbath.

One of them is lighting a fire.

Planting. Another one is plowing.

Another one is
tying a knot, untying a knot.

One is building, and one is
destroying so as to build.

So much more kosher is
to develop these gadgets

- that figure out a way around it.
- That's right.

It does seem that you are,
to a degree,

trying to outsmart God.

If the lawmaker never
makes a mistake,

and still there's a loophole there,
why is that loophole there?

To be used in a situation of need.

But how did this get updated

for a 4,000-year-old rule?

It seems there's an awful lot

that has to do with electricity.

Rabbi Halperin's work here
is translating it

into something more modern.

Let's look at some
of the gadgets you have.

I'm particularly interested in
the phone. Is there not a cell phone?

It's not a cell phone.

Okay, wow.

I have to say,
that looks modern.

Each number is trying
to dial itself all the time.

Hello. Hello.

When I take the stick

- and I put it into the hole...
- Hello.

...I'm inhibiting that
which is inhibiting

the number from dialing itself.

Let me ask about this.
It's obviously a wheelchair.

- May I?
- Sure.

Oh, wow.

And this is not the new model,
I'm guessing.

- This is the experimental prototype.
- I see.


- This runs on air pressure, right?
- Correct.

Basically, we've got
150 atmospheres

of pressure here.

We've got the turning it on,
turning it off here.

So air is okay.

- Air good. Fire bad.
- Fire bad.

Fire bad!

We've taken an old bicycle--

- I forgot what it's called.
- Tire.

Okay. Air goes in,
air goes out.

If I was a person
in that wheelchair,

I might say to myself,
''Why am I going to these lengths

to please God, who's taken away
my legs to begin with?''


That would be fascinating.
It's an elevator.

Oh, it's a Shabbatavator.

Let me guess,
you can't push a button...

- Correct.
- ...on the Sabbath.

The issues behind the scenes that
people don't see are the real problems.

An even bigger problem might
be how do you get someone

to put this in their building if
they're not completely nuts?

Well, actually, that really
doesn't make a difference.


How we define what is
crazy or not crazy

about religions is ultimately up
to how we define crazy.

If you define mental illness
as anyone who hears a voice

talking to them, then anyone who has
heard the voice of God is crazy.

She talks about a prophecy

that these children needed to die.

The dispatcher asked
''Why did you do this?''

''I was told to.''
''Who told you?'' ''God.''

There is nothing

He may not ask of thee?

But in layman's terms,
Jesus was nuts.

Moses-- ''Stay here,
I'm going up

and getting the 10 Commandments
right from God.''

You know, 'cause one
thing I've also--

We didn't have brain-scan technology
back then, so it's a hard to tell.

I know, but if a guy says he went
up on a mountain and he talked to God,

and He talked to him
through a burning bush,

that guy's a cuckoo.

All those pastors who refer to me

as the anti-Christ, false prophet,

it's because they're miserable.

Anyone who doesn't believe
in me is miserable.

- My mike is on?
- Yes, sir.

Okay, who are you Biblically?

I am Jesus Christ man,
the second coming of Christ, I am.

The Old Testament speaks
about me clearly

and the New Testament also.

- About you personally?
- Yes.

Not just because you have--
you share the name Jesus?

- No, not because of that.
- You also share the name Miranda.

Maybe you're Carmen Miranda.

Maybe the second coming of her?

You should have fruit on your head,
instead of fruit in your head.

Okay. Fuck you.
How's that?

Why do you think
God chose you?

Jesus of Nazareth had a wife

so after they killed him,

his seed kept going,
maybe through France, Spain,

and then from Spain,
came to Puerto Rico.

The bloodline come
from Abraham, Abraham to David,

David to Jesus of Nazareth,

Jesus of Nazareth, me.

Okay, I though a second coming

was the reincarnation

of the Christ himself,

not a descendant of.

No, he's a descendant.

Descendant? Oh... but
you don't believe in hell?

- No.
- Or the Devil?

- No.
- Or even sin, right?

No, there's not
a sin any longer.

What you teach is that
Jesus died for our sins

and so there's not really
any sinning anymore.

- No more sin.
- This is like a diet doctor saying,

- ''Eat anything you want.''
- Right.

''You don't lose weight,
but it's easy to stick to.''

That's what I believe, Bill.

Oh, I know you do.

And I have many people
who believe in this.

And yet, you have a little--
you have a little twinkle

in your eye when say it.

No, I believe in that.
I believe.

How do we know? Because lots
of people would like this job.

How do you get this job
as the second coming?

It's not on Craigslist.

- Yeah.
- I'm guessing. Maybe it is.

See, two angels--

Two guys named Angel,
Spanish guys.

You know what I'm talking about,

you fucking cockroach!

- No.
- Oh, actual angels.

- Two angels came to me...
- Okay.

...and they told me

''The Lord of Lords
and King of Kings

is coming to anoint you
for the ministry tonight.''

What form did the angels come in?
How tall?

Little tall and strong.

Whatever they told me,
I obey.

I don't wanna mess
with them.

But I'm just saying,

it seems that if God wanted

to communicate something
to the world--

He's all powerful--

He would just talk
to the whole world.

It always seems
He picks out a prophet in private

and tells them,
''Okay, you're the prophet.''

- I am.
- ''You go tell the rest of the world.''

So we just sort of
have to take it on faith.

We just sort of
have to believe you.

Right, yeah, it's true.

Abraham. Noah.

Lord, what shall I do?


climb the mount alone.

Once again, the Lord had
spoken to Joseph Smith

as he had to Adam, Abraham,

Moses, Paul and others.

I am the first Christian.

And the rest are really
kind of Jewish, you're saying,

because they're following a Jew.

That's it.

In fact, they put on the plates--

they say ''My boss is
a Jewish carpenter.''

How ridiculous is that?
A Jewish carpenter!

- Imagine.
- Come on, Jews hire carpenters.

They don't--

you know, people say
''I found my calling in life.''

And it's a good calling.
It's a nice living.

People adore you.
Everywhere you go,

they treat you like Christ,
like you're the Messiah.

You know, if I discovered
that I was Satan in person,

I would do a good job, too,

because I would be
faithful to my calling.

It's how you do
your work, isn't it?

You know, at the end of the day,
whether you're the Messiah

or you're Satan,
it's loving what you do

and giving it 100%.

I give 100%.

I wasn't born skeptical.

I was still making deals
with ''God'' when I was 40.

I remember I quit smoking.

There was some shitty problem
I had in my life,

and I made
a deal with God,

''Okay, if you make
this problem go away,

I will quit smoking,
and I won't go back on it

'cause I'd know I'd be going back
on a deal with God.''

And you know, I gotta say,

I'm kind of glad I had ''God''

in my life.

You are the head

of the First Universal Church
of Cantheism...

- Yes.
- ...which is really built around

- this substance here.
- No.

No? Okay, I got that wrong.

But it's built
around smoking this.

I mean, it has no dogma, right?

You're not preaching to anybody.
You're not saying

- you'll save their souls, no rituals.
- No.

How does this differ
from just getting wasted?

I mean that
in the best possible way, but--

I understand
the concept of God,

a feeling of one
with everything else.

Do you feel that
every time you smoke pot?


Phew! I thought it was just me.

So why do you think
it's this family of drugs

that's so good
for opening our minds

as opposed to ludes, PCP,

or smashing up your mother's diet pills
and smoking 'em in a pipe?

I don't know.
I don't know.

So I did want
to get your thoughts

about what's going on in this city.
This is your city.

There's a lot
of controversy with--

maybe the Dutch
are so tolerant

that they're now
tolerating intolerance.

There's a lot of tension
with the Muslim community.

It's all religious fundamentalists.

They already killed
Theo Van Gogh,

who was a known
television maker.

This is the spot
where Theo Van Gogh

- was assassinated?
- This is exactly the spot.

He was a Dutch filmmaker.
He made a 10-minute film.

It was deeply offensive
to Muslims.

Oh, Allah, you say
that men are the protectors

and maintainers of women

because you have given
the one more strength than the other.

I feel at least once a week,

the strength of my husband's fist

on my face.

Lots of people think
that free speech

goes right up to this point and then
when you're talking about religion,

when you're talking
about the Prophet, all bets are off.

It goes both ways,
freedom of speech.

It goes both ways,
but the people who actually--

usually do the killing for it
wind up on the Muslim side.

Do you think that says something
about the different cultures?

I don't want to have
the image of the Muslims,

you know, if they don't like
something you say,

they kill you, because it's not.

It was a noisy crowd outside
the Danish embassy in London

as speakers condemned the cartoons
portraying the Prophet Mohammed.

I wish I could get
your music in America,

but considering how controversial
it's been here in England...

Initially, when I did the record,

a lot of people supported it,

but then,
in the current times that we're in,

people got really scared.

It just shows
the stupidity of society,

which refuses
to discuss,

debate things
in an intelligent way.

And I don't except that.

I just put my middle finger up.

One of your big gripes--
and it's a valid one--

you keep saying that--
in fact, let me read your quote.

You said, ''Anyone worried
about what I'm saying

should get involved in the debate.
You are allowed to dissent.

- That is a right.''
- Yeah.

But is that a right
in Islam, to dissent?

Of course it is. Why do you think
there's so many schools of thought?

- Why do you think there's--
- It wasn't a right for Salman Rushdie.

The demonstrators set off
from Hyde Park,

bringing much
of central London to a standstill.

Their hatred focused
on Salman Rushdie and his book.

The mullahs pressed home
their message in thousands of mosques--

Salman Rushdie must be killed.

See, Salman Rushdie
was there to provoke,

insult, and he did it
intentionally, right?

But should you die
for that?

No no, well, I mean,
like, that was--

you know, it's easy
for you to say

things are kind of
in black and white.

They're more complex than that.

There's emotions and passions

and philosophy involved

- and all that stuff.
- You know, all you gotta say is

it's wrong for someone
to have to suffer a death threat

- for writing a book.
- Well, hang on.

But apparently, it's more
complicated than that.

Well, it is because--
but I mean, Western--

We'll never see
eye to eye there,

but you want that
protection for yourself.

No, I think
these debates are a lot--

I'm willing to discuss 'em
in terms of facts and not fictions.

When you disagree with me,
it's a fiction.

- No no.
- You have the truth

- and I have the fiction.
- No, I don't have the truth.

But you don't see that
there's a fundamental hypocrisy

of you asking
for the right to dissent

and somebody else
getting a death threat?

No no, 'cause my dissent is
to stop the madness.

I'm here with Geert Wilders
here in The Hague,

which of course is
home to the World Court,

but also to the Dutch Parliament.

You are taking
a kind of hard line here

in the Netherlands.

Islam is, according to me,
a violent religion.

The Koran is a violent book

and Mohammed was
a violent prophet.

Do you think Islam wants
to take over the world?

- They don't even make...
- Right right.

...a secret about it.

We are infidels.

I mean, we should either become
Islamic or we should be killed.

This is what they say.
This is what they are proud of.

Okay, we're here at Habibi Ana.

- Did I say that right?
- Yeah.

You guys, really--
I mean,

gay Muslim activists,

that is a very rare job description.
You guys have balls.

How big is
the gay community--

the gay Muslim community
here in Amsterdam?

Or is this it?

I mean, I'm guessing,
Thursday isn't--

isn't gay night here.

I hope you guys find
each other attractive,

'cause otherwise--

you don't feel afraid?

Here in Holland I'm not,

but when I came from my country,
I was very afraid.

There was an article of law:

Punish the gay
for one year just because he's gay.

- Just being gay can get you a year.
- Just being gay.

Same as Alabama.

What I learned is that
they're not really--

they're not specific
against homosexuality.

They're not specific against,
in other words,

the desire
of a man for a man.

What they are against
is specific behavior,

like anal sex.

They don't say homosexuality,

They just don't want you doing it
in the naughty place,

which I guess,

if you put that out
of the picture in homosexuality,

what do you have left?
Just the blowjob.

What do you think
when people say

it affects your memory,

especially your
short-term memory?

- It does.
- And what do you think when people say

that it affects your memory,
your short-term memory?

It does.

- I like my hat.
- It's good. You look good, too.

I think I do.
I think I might adopt this look.


Is there a reason
why you have a black hat

and I have a white hat?

We have any color you like.

So I bought this.
I like it myself

because I like the color.

There is a lot of tension
in the last five years or so.

Is Islam a threat
to Dutch values?

Islam is preaching,

above all, peace.

Peace, peace and peace.

The name Islam means peace.

And yet it is involved
in a lot of war and violence.

Yeah, it's just all politics.

- Nothing to do with religion?
- No no.

- No?
- No, sir.

- It's political.
- It's politics.

Seems to be
a lot of passages

that say the infidel

is not the equal
of the believer.

The infidel will die in hell.

Don't feel bad
about hating the infidel.

- No.
- No?

Boy, I've got
bad information.

Yes, you have.
I think so.

- No no no no no.
- No no no no.

- No no no no.
- No.

No? No. I'm wrong
about everything.

The way I perceive things in the Koran
is not about killing infidels.

- But you have read it in there?
- Of course I've read the Koran.

You've read those passages, and what
did you think when you read them?

No, but I explain those
passages within the time

in which they emerged
in the world.

That's not how people
read holy books.

People don't read
holy books and go,

''Well, that was good for then.''
People who read holy books and go,

''This is the word of God.
It's forever!''

- No, I don't agree.
- That's how most people do it.

I just don't buy it
that these guys are

in this state of denial.

I think they're just
in a state of denial

to an outsider.

They will not admit
anything is wrong

with their culture
to an outsider.

Muslims were imperialists

in the century
after Mohammed's death.

They conquered most
of the known world

in one century.

Yeah, it is possible.

You call it conquer.

I think they were trying

to spread Islam.

Well, they were, but they weren't doing
it by singing ''Kumbaya.''

Excuse me.


Oh, that 21st century's
always busting in.

I'm going to shut it off.

I love it that he's got ''Kashmir''
as his ringtone.

Okay, I shut it off.

- Sorry, I was--
- Yeah...

Politics, okay.

Do you think it's possible
that when we're on something

like marijuana
or mushrooms

and believe we're having a very
spiritual experience,

that we're just high?

- It's-- it's--
- Oh, look out your head's on fire!

Boy, talk about
the light bulb going off,

- that was your whole head.
- I don't like candles behind me.

No. Oh, look,
I found another joint.


Can we get closer?

That is one hell of a wall.

This is the Dome of the Rock?

This is the Dome of the Rock.
According to Islam...

On a horse?

He went to heaven on the horse?

Why is it holy for the Jews?

A rock. The Kaaba?

Isn't that--

Stone, rock, the same thing.

Why is that holy?


Could the rock itself have been
what we know now to be like a meteor?

But does it make a difference
that we now understand

what a meteor is?

Yes, right.


This is the Mount
of Olives.

A lot of Orthodox Jews want
to be buried here,

'cause they believe that
when the Messiah comes,

he will raise them from
the dead and march them through

that golden gate
and onto the Temple Mount,

which is why the Muslims
have walled up the gate.

The better to keep out
the Jewish Messiah

and his kosher zombies
from getting in.

Although you'd think that
if you had the power to raise the dead,

you'd have the power
to jump a fence.

I thought I would not be allowed

to walk in a mosque.

I thought only someone of your faith

was allowed to do that.

Why is he angry?

They're angry that
you're talking to me?

Women in your culture

seem not to be as equal

to the man as they
are in our culture.


I talked to a Muslim scholar today.

And he said that Mohammed
had a meeting here.

Mohammed never set his foot

on that Temple Mount,
not even one foot.

Never ever.

He was never in the land
of Israel, that's a historical fact.

I think even
I understand that.

Why can't the people
of the different faiths get along?

All three religions
consider the same site

to be holy.

Is it not because it was
conquered many times?

- Yes.
- It was conquered first by King David,

and then later by
the armies coming out

of the Arabian Desert.

- It changed hands during the crusades.
- We had the Romans.

We had the Byzantines.
We had the Persians.

There's more than
one mosque in the world

that used to be a church,
and before that was a temple.

Because it's a lot easier
just to change the sign on the top

and say
''under new management''

than it is to change
the whole building.

I worked a lot
of comedy clubs in the '80s

that still had
the disco ball on the ceiling.

And in the '90s,
they became strip clubs

and now
they're a Starbucks.

I've come today to the village
of Cerne Abbas in Southern England

to show you something
completely different.

It's in the shape
of a giant naked man

with a sizable erection--
well, sizable for England.

Some people think
that this means

that there is a giant actually
buried under that hill.

Others think it has something
to do with crop circles

or ancient space visitors
or Druids,

but nobody really knows.

And that's what
I find fascinating about this,

is that it doesn't
really mean anything.

The locals have been
maintaining it for centuries,

and they don't
really know why.

They just do it because
they've always done it,

and isn't that
religion for you?

Sometimes you kneel,
sometimes you fast

and sometimes
you go up on the hill

and you cut the grass
around the giant space penis.

Do you believe,
as so many Christians do nowadays,

that the world will end?

I think we are in the end times.
There are many many signs.

The world as we know it
will come to an end.

And beyond that,

there will be the glorious
second coming of Jesus Christ.

It seems peaceful,

but this is the very spot where
a lot of Christians believe

life on earth will end.

The irony of religion
is that because

of its power to divert man

to destructive courses,

the world actually
could come to an end.

A lot of people
in this country believe

in end times.

There will be this great
reckoning, the Rapture.

- Do you believe that?
- I do.

But if you believe that the world is
gonna come to an end,

and perhaps any day now,

does it not drain
one's motivation

to improve life on earth
while we're here?

The plain fact is,
religion must die

for mankind to live.

The hour is getting very late
to be able to indulge

in having key decisions made
by religious people,

by irrationalists, by those
who would steer the ship of state

not by a compass,
but by the equivalent

of reading the entrails
of a chicken.

George Bush prayed
a lot about Iraq,

but he didn't learn
a lot about it.

I don't know that much
about politics,

I'll vote for President Bush
because of his faith.

Faith means making
a virtue out of not thinking.

It's nothing to brag about.

And those who preach faith
and enable and elevate it

are our intellectual slaveholders,

keeping mankind in a bondage

to fantasy and nonsense

that has spawned and justified

so much lunacy and destruction.

Religion is dangerous
because it allows human beings

who don't have all the answers

to think that they do.

Most people would think
it's wonderful when someone says,

''I'm willing, Lord.
I'll do whatever You want me to do.''

Except that since there
are no gods actually talking to us,

that void is filled in by people
with their own corruptions,

- limitations and agendas.
- It's going to happen,

and I'm not saying
necessarily nuclear--

The Lord didn't say nuclear--

but I do believe it'll
be something like that.

And anyone who tells you
they know--

they just know
what happens when you die,

I promise you, you don't.

How can I be so sure?
Because I don't know,

and you do not possess
mental powers that I do not.

The only appropriate attitude
for man to have

about the big questions

is not the arrogant certitude

that is the hallmark of religion,

but doubt. Doubt is humble,

and that's what
man needs to be,

considering that human history
is just a litany

of getting shit dead wrong.

Jesus is coming back
to rescue the Jews,

because he is
the only one that can.

The believer goes in the paradise.

Unbeliever, they will go to hell.

The Jews are the only reason
that I am a Christian.

- I love them.
- But you're not gonna take them

- to heaven with you, are you?
- I'm gonna go in the Rapture,

and I'm gonna come back
on a white horse.

So you think Jesus
will end this earth at some point,

maybe in your lifetime?

One always hopes.
This is a sign, and that is a sign.

If a nuclear bomb went off,

and it seemed like that was
exactly what it had said,

balls of fire or something,

you wouldn't look on that
as necessarily a bad thing.

I know I'll be with God.

This is why rational people,


must end their timidity
and come out of the closet

and assert themselves.

And those who consider themselves
only moderately religious

really need to look
in the mirror and realize

that the solace and comfort
that religion brings you

actually comes
at a terrible price.

It says in the last days
there'll be wars, rumors of wars.

The Bible prophesies
from the Book of Revelation--

they're going to be fulfilled!

Can this be accomplished
without violence?

- No.
- Islam ruling the world,

global jihad.

- Who will win out?
- We'll win.

That's for God to decide
on Judgment Day.

If you belonged to a political
party or a social club

that was tied
to as much bigotry, misogyny,

homophobia, violence

and sheer ignorance
as religion is,

you'd resign in protest.

To do otherwise is
to be an enabler,

a Mafia wife,

with the true devils of extremism

that draw their legitimacy

from the billions
of their fellow travelers.

If the world does come
to an end here or wherever,

or if it limps into the future,
decimated by the effects

of a religion-inspired
nuclear terrorism,

let's remember
what the real problem was:

That we learned how
to precipitate mass death

before we got past
the neurological disorder

of wishing for it.

That's it. Grow up or die.

We are in a conflict
between good and evil.

See you in heaven.

Who knows?                         

Yeah, exactly.                                                                                                                                                   

Special thanks to SergeiK.