Role Models Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Role Models script is here for all you fans of the Paul Rudd movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Role Models quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Role Models Script


Thanks for everything.

Guess what I did
last night.


Now let's rock
Westside Academy!

Taste the beast!

You can do
anything you want in life

as long as you stay
away from drugs.

Why would a person
use illegal drugs?

Many reasons.

Maybe they're trying to fit in
with a new group of friends.

Maybe they're curious.

Maybe they're just bored.

But whatever the reason,

what should you say when
someone offers you drugs?

Say, " No, thanks.
I'll have a Minotaur."

Stay off drugs! Minotaur!

Thank you, Minotaur man.

Hey! Nice cow
outfit, homo.

Where can I pick one of
those up, the gay zoo?

Oh, no. It's not a...
It's not a cow.

It's a minotaur.

It's a creature of myth,

and he got this one out
of your mom's closet.

She let me keep it
after I fucked her.

Drugs are bad.
Energy drinks, good.

So whenever you'd like to
taste one, help yourselves.

And for every can sold,
Minotaur will make a donation

to the Keep Kids
Off Drugs foundation.

God, this suit
smells like Tater Tots.

Yeah, I know what you need.

Are you kidding? No. God.

I love Kiss.

No one loves Kiss.

Paul Stanley is
sick of Kiss.

Whoa! Don't dis
the Starchild.

Hey, don't get me
wrong, all right?

I like to "rock 'n' roll all
night and part of every day!"

Party every day. "Rock 'n' roll
all night and party every day!"

I like to rock 'n' roll part
of every day. Party every day.

I usually have errands.

I can rock 'n' roll from, like,
1:00 to 3:00. You need to party.

Hey, guys.
How's it going?

When someone offers you some
illegal drugs, what do you say?

You say, " No, thanks.
I'll just have a Minotaur."

I've had so many
of these things.

I'm not kidding.

I may wet my pants.
Where's the bathroom?

Holy shit.

Dude, this is like
Shrek's piss.

So remember, stay off drugs,
drink Minotaur and above all...

Taste the beast!

You know what's
great about this job?

You mean,
besides nothing?

We're making
the world a better place.


You know, giving the kids an
energy boost to stay off drugs.

We're selling them nuclear
horse piss for 6 bucks a can.

What an accomplishment.
Feels good, doesn't it?

Easy to do hung-over.

I could do
this job forever.

If I had to do this job forever,
I'd put a bullet in my head.

Game face, bro.



Got you, man! Got you!

Happy anniversary!
Did you know?


All right.
That was good!

Oh, my God.
You're here.

Wheeler called me. Hi.

Thank you for warning me.

Hey, I tried to tell them
you don't like surprises,

but they really wanted
to celebrate your milestone.

What's up, mino-tards?

What's up, Wheeler?

My dick!

"My dick!"

Everybody, we're here to
celebrate my best friend, Danny!

We just work together.
Not "best friend."

Be nice.

Danny's been
working here 10 years!

That's almost
a decade of living the dream.

You're the
man, Danny!

I want to grow
old with you, Danny.

we'll be tasting the beast

for the rest of
our lives together!

- All right!

It's early morning
The sun come out

Last night was shaking
And pretty loud

This is a nightmare.

Come on. I took
the afternoon off.

There's cake! Let's
try and enjoy ourselves.

Mitch from Graphics,
take over!

Do it!
- Let's go next!

Come on. It'll be fun.

Why not? Come on.
We'll do a duet!

Getting up in front
of a group of people

and singing is not my
idea of fun. All right?

It's humiliating.

With another sin

I'm gonna sing.

Here I am


Rock you like a hurricane

Come on, come on, come
on, come on! Yeah, yeah!

Here I am

Come on. Sing it!

Rock you like a hurricane


What is your problem?

Look, I'm sorry,
all right?

I'm not Wheeler, happy
in some brainless job,

no goals, no ambition.

Hey, you don't know
how Wheeler feels.

For all you know, he hates
his job as much as you do.

I love this job!

Hey, Wheeler!
She's tasting your beast!

Good morning.
Can I take your order?

Can I get a tall chai?

And a large black coffee.

A what?

Large black coffee.

Do you mean a venti?

No, I mean a large.

He means a venti.
Yeah, the biggest one you've got.

Venti is large.

No. Venti is 20.


Yeah. "Large" is large.
In fact, "tall" is large.

And grande is
Spanish for large.

Venti is the only one
that doesn't mean large.

It's also the only
one that's Italian.

You're stupid in three languages.

Look, dick.
Venti is a large coffee.

Really? Says who?

How much is that?
Here's a 10.

Do you accept lira,
or is it all euros now?

You know what,
just keep the change.

Jesus, Dan. You know what
they call the sizes here.

You know what, you've been
picking fights with everybody.

The girl at the party...
She said ASAP.

ASAP, I'm sorry.
Huge crime.

It's like "24/7" or "been there,
done that." You hate that, too.

I don't hate it enough
to let it ruin my day.

It's getting worse.
You know, man? The sun is shining,

but you have lost the ability
to take any joy in life.

I can't stand it anymore!

You're just
a miserable dick now!

You're mean to everybody!

And, FYI, it's called a
venti because it's 20 ounces!

20! Venti!

Is that true?

She says I take
no joy in life.

I can see that.

I gotta talk to her.

Forget her, man.

Let me give you a little
motto I live my life by,

you got to hit
it and quit it.

No ties, tangle free.

Nobody tells me what to do.

I go bang,
bang, bang the drum.

What? That's not a motto.

That's just you
saying a bunch of things.

You know, Beth's right.
I'm a dick.

Hey, I'm in a rut, just
going from school to school

selling poison to
our nation's youth.

It's not poison.
It's got juice in it.

You know, I'm 35 years old.

I got nothing to
show for my life.

I figured I'd be something,

something good,
a professor, engineer.

I don't know.

Figured I'd be
married. I'd...

You know what? We're making a detour.
- What?

We're making a detour.

We're making a detour.

Dude, you're too jacked up on
Minotaur. This is a mistake.

It's fine. Look,
I'll be right back.

Hey, we gotta be at the Blue
Valley Middle School by 1:30.


No, I don't want
to plea-bargain.

I didn't do it.

Mr. Garvin, I just don't know what
other options we have, you know,

because they have this clear
videotape of you stealing

a lot of TVs.
Guys! Go, go, go.

That could be any bald guy.

Look at me. Me, David Garvin,
stealing TVs.

Who would believe it?

That is not me.

Hey, hi.
I need to talk to you.

Danny, I'm with a client,
so we'll talk later.

I can go.
No, no. You stay.

I'm not going anywhere
until you talk to me.

Excuse me one...

Thank you.
What? Fast.

All right, you were right.

I'm a dick. I'm a dick!

You're dickish.
Yes, I'm dickish.

I'm a dickish dick, and I'm
in a rut. We're in a rut.

Let's shake things up.
I have an idea.

Let's get married.
I don't have a ring.

Are you serious?

Mazel tov!

Never mind.


Because despite this very well
thought out and romantic proposal,

I'm not that interested in
becoming Mrs. Dick-in-a-rut.

Heard that.

Did you hear that?

Maybe you heard that because
you're 2 feet away from us.

That's another one I hate.
"Heard that!"

You don't get married
to get out of a rut.

You get married
because you love someone

and you don't want to spend
your life without them.

Who is this guy? Thank you, Mr. Garvin.
- He's a thief.

Falsely accused.

Oh, well.
He looks like Phil Collins.

Yeah. I know.

Look, life is hard,
all right?

We've lived together for
seven years... You know what?

Danny, life is hard, and you've
become the hardest part of my life.

I should really go.

No, you sit down.

You know, Danny?

We do need to
shake things up.

I know!
That's what I'm saying!

I'm moving out.

Wait a minute.
Are you breaking up with me?




Today sucks.

Look, Danny, whenever a
door closes, another opens, okay?

You just have
to look for it.

And, seriously,
you're gonna get

the most insane
sympathy-rebound pussy.

And this is a good
month for that, too.

I don't want that.

Look, just keep
it together, bro.

Okay? We got one
more school.

We go out, we'll have a few
brewskis, we'll talk this over.

Just put your
game face on.

Taste the beast!
Stay off drugs!


Drugs. Why do
kids take drugs?

'Cause they're awesome?

No? Maybe they just
understand that life is pain,

and if you smoke something or take
a pill, it'll go away for a while.

I'll drink to that.

Dude, dude, dude,
dude. Come on.

No, no, no.

 People say,
"Embrace life. Enjoy life.

" Just do it!
Live it! Rock it!"

Fuck it,
because life is horrible.

You know, I may not be so
happy-go-lucky, but I'm a realist.

Get ready to have
your dreams dashed, kids,

'cause nothing's
gonna work out

the way you
think it's going to.

Chin-chin. By the way,
this stuff's poison.

Game face, bro.
Game face.

What part of "game face"
do you not understand?

What the...

Hey, hey,
hey, hey!

Dude, I thought we
could park here.

And you thought wrong,
you furry faggot.

Please, just flip
the switch and put it down.

It's too late.
It's already up.

Come on, please.

Put yourself in my shoes,
would you?

Not my problem.

Dude, please,
could you just be decent?

I'm having a terrible day.

Well, since you put it that
way, it's still not my problem.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, man, can I ask
you a question?

Get the fuck out
of the way, asshole!

You want me to move?

Game face, buddy.


What's he doing?

He's running.
We're running.

We're running!

No, no.

Hey, what are you...
What are you... Get...

I'm the guy that can't enjoy life?

I'm gonna enjoy this!

Wait, what?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, man,
what you doing?

Whoa, whoa! Danny!

Hey, man!

Holy shit, man!


Taste the beast!

Stay off drugs.

You guys are fucked.

I told you, you asshole!

Yes, Wheeler?

I just want to start by saying
I think you're amazing, okay?

You're, like, beauty
and brains incarnate.

So, FYI, there
you go. Okay?

Now, that's that, so as far as this
goes, I didn't do anything here,

so if you wouldn't mind,
you can clear my name,

and I can just walk
right out of here.

Really? Because according to
this, you were a party to...

A party to,
not the party.

...reckless endangerment,
destruction of school property,

obstructing a police officer,
attempted grand theft auto,

disturbing the peace,
parking in a no-parking zone.

Did I ever tell
you you're a dick?

Yeah. Earlier.

And, Danny, they suspended your license.
Did you know that?

Yeah. I figured they
would probably do that.

I mean, did you guys
think this was funny?

You know, if you think about it,
this is kind of your fault.

My... How is
this my fault?

It's your fault because
you just threw it all away,

and I came in here,
I proposed to you...

Your proposal
was bullshit!

But it was real.
It was from the heart!

Shut up! Okay? Shut up!

What's gonna happen?

They wanted to
give you 30 days in jail.


But I worked my
magic on the judge,

and instead,
over the next 30 days,

you have to log 150 hours
of community service.

Community service?
What, we got to clean toilets?

No, you're going
to Sturdy Wings.

It's the judge's
favorite organization.

Yes, Wheeler?

What the fuck
is Sturdy Wings?

Sturdy Wings is
a simple concept.

We bring adults and children
together in a structured format

to enhance the lives
of these children

one-on-one friendships.

People ask me,
"Gayle, how did you

"come up with such
a life-altering program?"

And I tell them I spent a
lot of time alone as a kid.

My father was
a traveling salesman.

My mother, out of
necessity, was a whore.

During adolescence,
I hungered for guidance

from a committed,
caring adult.

In my 20s and 30s, I suffered
through an endless cycle

of failed relationships and
constant feelings of inadequacy.

A mere 12 years ago,
I was a raging alcoholic.

To make matters worse, I had
a massive drug addiction,

no money, no job,
no hope.

But at that moment,
I knew what I had to do.

Used to be
addicted to pills.

Now I'm addicted
to helping.

And when you're
addicted to helping,

you don't need
an intervention.

Because sometimes in life,
everybody needs...

Sturdy Wings!
- Sturdy Wings!

A little lovin'
Yeah, yeah, yeah

We need a little love
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

A little lovin'
Yeah, yeah, yeah

See, that's me?

Okay, then.

Welcome, everybody.

You know, it's particularly exciting
for me to have a new batch of Bigs

to match up with a new
group of kids, or Littles,

as we call them
here at Sturdy Wings.

I see a familiar face.

Guilty as charged.

I'd already prefer jail.

All right. Let's move
right along here.

you can elect to spend

as much time
with your Little...

- Or as little time.

It takes a village.


Hillary Clinton.
I'm sort of into politics.

I'm sort of engaged.

I sort of have a boner.


Got lots of handouts,
information to cover,

so let's get started.

First time with
the program?

Oh, God, really?

Wheeler, switch with me.
No way, dude.

Martin Gary.
I can always spot a newbie.

It's my fifth
year with Wings.

I guess Paul McCartney's
got nothing on me, huh?

Love, take me down
to the streets

That's not a Wings' song.

Yeah, that's one of
their hits from the '70s.

I'm not sure which one.
It's not a... It's not.

It isn't?
- No.

I think it might be.
- No, it's not. Nobody sings that song.

I don't know about that.
I'll have to google it.

That's right, some kids are
allergic to their own sweat.

So probably best to put the
kibosh on physical activity.

Maybe play a boardgame
or tell a knock, knock joke.



Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Mike Snifferpipits.

Mike Snifferpipits who?

Mike Snifferpipits who?
How many Mike Snifferpipits do you know?

Come on! Let me in.
It's cold out here!


Martin, come on up here.

Let's do
a little dimostrazione.



Perfectly acceptable hug
between a Little and a Big.

Ooh, la la!

This is not.

Well, obviously we're not
supposed to butt-fuck these kids.

Well, it looks like
I'm out of handouts.

So why don't we take a little
break, get a cup of joe?

I know I'm gonna put
mine right in here.

And then when you come back, it'll
be time to meet... Drum roll, please.

...your Little!

I cannot wait
to meet mine.

I'm going to take
them to the zoo,

because I
heard that the giant panda bear

has a little
baby panda bear,

and there's
just nothing cuter

than a little
baby panda bear...

Yeah, I can't do this.

Danny, stop.

We will get raped in jail.
Do you understand?

What's the point?

I mean, I've got
nothing to give a kid.

If you were a kid, would
you want to hang out with me?

Hey, do you want
to get raped?

Hello, gentlemen.


You probably heard that out of context.
- Excuse me?

When I asked my friend Danny
if he wanted to get raped.

I want you both to listen
to me, okay? And listen good.

I know why you're here,
so don't BS a BSer.

Okay? Your "presence"
here, court-ordered.

Why did you put
"presence" in quotes?

Are you implying
that we're not here?

You know, one call
to the judge from me,

and you are in the slammer,
like M.C. Hammer.

Did M.C. Hammer
go to prison?

Yes, he did.

Or he came
extremely close.

I'm certain he filed for bankruptcy,
so don't BS me right now, okay?

I don't understand.
How are we BSing you?

Exactly. I'm BS-proof.

Here's a couple
of time sheets.

You'll want your little buddies' parents
to sign them after each outing, okay?

And that way, I can use my BS
flyswatter to swat away the flies

that is your BS.

Okay? Any questions?

Hey, little Littles,
your Bigs are here!

Okay. That's good fun!

Danny, your Little is elsewhere.
Why don't you come with me?

Oh, man.

I've heard of popcorn in the
face, but this is ridiculous.

Brothers in arms,
follow me!

The evil King Argotron
has us cornered.

My fair lady Esplen,
Goddess of Navalore.

I fight for your honor.

You wish to kiss me?

There's precious
little time.

What the hell.

No! No. More later!
Now I must fight!

Your kid's name is Augie Farks,
a little older than most of the kids.


Um, that...

I wasn't really 100% yet.

Don't judge me
by that move that...

I'm not gonna get
in trouble, right?

This is just... This is just soft foam
and duct tape. It can't harm anyone.

No worries, my liege.


This is Danny.
He wants to be your new friend.

So I'm gonna let you guys
get to know each other,

and I'll fade into the mist.

How's it going?

That's a nice routine
you worked out.

I hope you weren't
planning on slaying me.


Come on, Wheeler. Let's meet
your kid. His name's Ronnie.

He's one of our youngest.
Single mom, full-time job.

Signed him up about six weeks ago.
Matched him up with eight different Bigs.

No one's lasted
more than a day,

but I think you're perfect
because you're young, you're fun,

and you don't
wanna go to prison.

That's scary!


And FYI, you're playing on
this girl's court now, okay?

So you're playing by her rules.
Are you the coach?

I am the coach.
I'm the coach, and I'm the point guard,

I'm the two forwards, the
center, and I'm the other guard.

I'm the entire

Hey, there, Ronnie. How you doing
today? Doing a little drawing?

That's cool.

I want you to meet
someone really special.

And I think you two dudes
are gonna become real homeys.

Ronnie, this is Anson.

Wheeler's good.


Hey, big guy.
What you doing here?

What up, Ronnie?
It's good to meet you.

What you
drawing there?

Oh. Beyoncé.
She's smoking!

I don't want to
take my pants off!

What? Whoa, whoa!

All right, Ronnie.
That's enough.

This bitch tried
to grab my joint!

Language, Ronnie!

My language is English!

And this motherfucker tried
to grab on my hang-down.

I got my own hang-down
to touch, kid.

Honky-ass wanted
a handful of my balls!

Honky? That's racist.

Well, I trust you two will work
this out. I'm not gonna micromanage.

Not my modus operandi.

I have no idea what I'm
gonna do with this kid.

Me, either. I bet if I suggested a game
of Quidditch, he'd come in his pants.

I've been talking to him for half
an hour. Kid's barely said a word.

Maybe we should just
go to jail. It's 30 days.


I don't know if this is some
kind of joke to you, Danny,

but I actually
like my life, okay?

Now, if I go to jail,
I'm gonna lose my job. Listen.

We go to prison, you're
never gonna get Beth back.

We come home after 30 days, she's
banging her boss. I guarantee it.

Really? She's gonna be
banging Patricia Feingold?

Her boss is a chick?

Oh, Jesus.

Danny, just listen, okay?
We're a team. All right? You and me.

We can do this.
We just got to stick together.


So, what do you
do with kids?

Hey, kids! We Chip Monks just broke our
vow of silence, and we want to sing!

We are the monks
of chip monk Charlie's

We will give you food to eat

And once it's in our tummies

We will move
our chip monk feet

We are the butts
of Chip Monk ass

But we've got the ass...

Come on! Sit down!

All right?
Please. Danny.

I like Ronnie's
version better.

I like how it evokes
the concept of ass and butt.

Okay. Thanks.

Don't throw shit,
Ronnie. Come on.

How many hours
do we have left?

So, do you
like Coca-Cola?

I like the idea of it
more than I actually like it.

Ooh! They got
chicken fingers.

I'm gonna run
a train on these chicken fingers.

I'm just gonna be like...

Let me guess. You're not really rolling
with the ladies in school, are you, Augie?

Oh, no. I'm really good friends with
the school nurse. She's a divorcée.

So, Aug, it's a pretty
interesting cape.

Are you like a
superhero or something?

Yeah, I wish.

No, this is... This is part
of my battle attire for Laire.

What the hell is Laire?

It's this fantasy world
where anything is possible.

One minute you could be
sparring with an elf,

and the next you could be battling
against a troll who wants nothing more

than just to steal your gold
and leave you penniless!

Sounds gay.

No, no.
There's girls there.

Girls can be gay.

If by gay you mean
the old English definition

of "fun, enjoyable and carefree,"
then, yes, it's extremely gay.

I think they meant
the other definition.

I know, but to understand it, you
really have to see it for yourself.


Hey, pick us up
in two hours.

Fuck you, Miss Daisy!

So, Augie, why do
they call it Laire?

It's Live Action
Interactive Role-playing Explorers.

We're all divided
into countries,

fighting a never-ending war
to control the realm.

Or until they have to
clear you out for soccer practice.


Greetings, nobleman!

Any friend of Blufgan's
is a friend of Kuzzik,

fifth son of Leponius,
earl of Ringor.

Diana has put
her bosom away.

Apollo has lifted his skirt.
The day has been launched.

May I present to you
my vassal, Artonius?

Greetings, friends.


Tell me, Blufgan, art thou
preparing for the Battle Royale?

'Tis a mere month away.

Aye, my lord.

Huzzah, huzzah!

Godspeed, Blufgan,
and all hail Xanthia!

Hail, Xanthia!
Hail, Xanthia!


What the fuck just
happened there?

They're my kinsmen.

We're all from Xanthia.

We're a smaller country,
but we're no Cacedonia, Danny.

Ow! Don't hit so hard!

Hi, Blufgan.

Hey! Hey, Esplen.

Blufgan! Blufgan!


All right, Gleebo.
One more.

I should have never started
feeding the goddamn elves.

Jesus Christ.

Hey, master handler.

Whoa! Who's that dork?

That's the king.

Well, I should have guessed. Nothing
says royalty like The Burger Hole.

Yeah, he and his lackeys
eat there before every battle.

His majesty approaches.
Oh, crap!

His royalty approaches!

Long live the king.

What are you doing?

You have to kneel
before the king.

Bow down, little girl.
Little girl, bow down, bow down.


Because he's the king.
I beg you!


Damn it.

Hey, pull over to the mini-mart
and get me some OJ,

and not that
from-concentrate shit.

Would it kill you
to say please?

It might.

"Concentrate. Not from
concentrate. Pulp. Low pulp.

"Lots of pulp."

Well, well, well.

Hey. Fancy meeting you here.
What, are you stalking me?

Had to get my bagel-dog fix.
So how's little Ronnie?

Oh, you were right about us
being a great match. Yeah.

You know, like at Christmas when you
get a gift? That's what Ronnie is.

A gift. I love him so much.

Wow. Well,
that's very nice.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I gots to get my Slurpee on.

Well, watch this though first.

Look at that.
What does that look like?


Open the door, Ronnie.

You forgot to say "please."

Please open the door,
or I'll pour your juice out.

I don't drink
juice, biatch!

Come on. Hey. Ronnie.

Oh, no. Don't turn that
engine on. I swear to God...

Okay. Okay.
Joke's over, buddy.

No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Good one! Good one, Ronnie!
Now open the fucking door!

Ronnie! What are you doing?

Dude, dude, dude, dude,
dude, dude, dude, dude!

What are you doing?

Baby! Yeah!

Don't you run me over!

Oh, no!

Ouch! Watch it!


Oh, yeah. So good.
Good times.

You're on
thin ice, buddy.

Then quit.

I never quit.

Give me my
damn juice.

Oh, this juice?
Yeah, that juice.

Fucking asshole.

Punk bitch.

The lad had seasoned his mutton
with wine berry and not mead!

Hey, did you see that spell of
unbreakable madness I casted on those orcs?

I don't think so.

The length of a moon,
hence "honeymoon."

Eight hours down,
142 to go.

This sucks ass.

Dude, I just spent the
afternoon in Middle-earth

with glee-glop and the
floopty-doos, all right?

Give me a fucking break.

I got fucking carjacked.

Yeah? Well, I got dumped.

You deserved it!

I hate your face.

I hate your face.

Ronnie! Ronnie!
Take the wheel!

- What are you doing?

That is not safe!
He can't drive!

This is unsafe.

Okay, stop! Stop! Okay!

What the fuck?
I'm driving! What...

Oh, my God!

Nice. Look what
you started.

Happy now?
- I'm gonna kill you!

What did I do?

So I guess I'll pick you
up tomorrow around 9:00?

Uh, could we make it 10:00?

Kid, you wanna spend
some hours together or not?

Dude, if I'm gonna have to chauffeur
your asses around, let's make it 10:00.


Hey, Danny, you wanna
come see my turtle?

I'm fine.

Of course he
has a turtle.

See you tomorrow, Ronnie.

Fuck you, Anson!

Never gets old.

Wait, wait, wait.

You bitch!

Oh, my God.
She's moving out.

Dude, that's harsh.


Wow, you weren't
kidding around.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I wanted to be gone
by the time you got home.

No, it's all right.
This is better, you know.

Now we get to share the
moment with Wheeler and...

Becca and Sarah.

Yeah, and Becca
and Sarah.

Who you've met,
like, 127 times.

I know.

Beth, come on.
You don't have to do this.

I left you the Crock-Pot.

I know you like chili.

I know it's really hard for you right
now, but I just want you to know that

when you love something,
you set it free,

and if it's meant
to be, you just...

You take it back,
and it comes...

Yeah, I know where
you're going with it.

Yeah, and if she doesn't come back, I'd
go for that friend of hers in the sweater.

I know she's a few pounds overweight,
but, you know, in my experience,

it's the bigger ones that
do way more stuff.

Good talk, Wheeler.

Pick you up at 10:00.

Hi, Ronnie.

How are you today?
What are you doing here?

I told you I'd pick
you up at 10:00, right?

But I thought
you'd pussy out.

Well, you see? It's wonderful. We're
learning so much about each other.

Hey! You must be Wheeler.

I'm Karen.
Hi, Karen.

Wow, you look way too young
to be Ronnie's mother.

What are you,
the babysitter?

You're funny.

You're gonna need that sense of humor
if you're gonna keep up with my son.

It's about time Sturdy Wings
found someone who could.

Yeah, well, I think that
Ronnie's a great little dude.

"A great little dude"?
You're cute.

You ready, pal?

I ain't your pal, vanilla.

Karen, would you mind
signing my hours sheet?



All right.
You boys have fun.

His idea of fun is a
fucking pottery class, yo.

Hey. Hey, hey.
Watch your mouth, little man.

I love you.

I love you, too.

I got shotgun!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Stop. Who are you?
What do you want?

I'm Danny from Sturdy Wings.
I'm here for Augie.

Oh. I'm sorry. Augie, right.
He'll be out in a minute.

Let me ask you something,

because you're one of these guys
that's good with kids, right?

Yeah. Totally.

'Cause, the kid, man,
I don't get it.

He's into dragons
and fairies

and, you know, hoboes.


So, I mean, what am I
supposed to say to him?

Yeah. I don't know. I don't...

Hey, but while I've got you
here in my personal space,

I was wondering if you could maybe
sign off on my hours from yesterday.

Oh, no, I don't...
I'm not the kid's parent.

No, that's... Parental signatures
are mama's department. One second.

Lynette! Augie's little buddy's here.
He needs your signature.

Oh! Hi!

I'm Lynette.
I'm Danny.

So good to meet you.
You, too.

I was wondering if you could maybe
sign my hours sheet from yesterday.


You know, we are so thrilled that you are
gonna be spending some time with Augie,

because, you know,
just how he is.

How is he?

I'm just glad you're gonna be getting
him out of his own little world a bit.

It's like, "Get out of here!
Leave home!"

Hey, why don't you come over
for dinner on Saturday night,

and we can get to know you
a little bit better?

I don't think so. It's not you.
I hate having dinner with people.

Hey, Augie, ready to...

Yeah, let's go.

I think
they're over here.

I'm disappointed.
This isn't gonna hurt anybody.

So, your parents... Wow.

Jim is not my dad.

Okay. Well, that's
probably good.

Hey, hey, Odeon.
Make way for King Argotron!


Bow as your daughter does.


Why bother?

Good one, sir.

Man, why do you
bow for that guy?

Because he's the king, and
he rules the entire realm.

He rules the entire realm?

My bad. Is that when he is or isn't
whacking it to The Sims?

You know, Augie, maybe you should
think about losing the cape.

At least in public.

People tend to avoid
people in capes.

I know that's not
the case here.

Look at these people.

I like these people.
No, I know.

But, you know, this isn't reality.
It's not the real world.

I know that, but in this
world, I don't have to be me.

I'm stuck again!

Well, looks like maybe one of
your people could use a hand.

Help! Help! Help!
Her, I don't like.

Okay. This is my place.

Shit hole.

Look, kid, you're obviously not
a big fan of me, and that's okay,

but I think there's
something to be gained

from us spending more hours together.


You know, my dad left me
when I was young,

so I know it sucks,

but what doesn't kill us
makes us stronger, right?

Says the punk living
in the shit hole.

Who are these clowns?


You don't know who Kiss is?

No. Never heard of them.

They look like
idiots to me.

No, no, no, dude.

These are four of the
smartest guys who ever lived.

They're these Jewish guys
that grew up in New York,

and they put on guitars
and makeup to get girls,

and all of their songs
are about fucking!

I'm listening.

Seriously, this song is called Love
Gun, and it's about Paul Stanley's dick

and how this girl's gonna
get some of his dick!


I didn't know Jews
could sing like that.

No. No. They couldn't at the time.
That's why they had to dress like clowns.

This got them girls?

Get this! They've been getting
pussy nonstop for 30 years!

They're probably fucking right
now, and they're old dudes!

They put makeup on,
and it's all good!

No shit?

You pull the trigger of my

Love gun

You see, Ronnie?
His dick is the gun!

Love gun

Love gun

Okay, we logged hours this weekend.

That's not gonna
be enough.

Somehow we gotta get them
on the weekdays, too.

Hey, we could pretend to be their
uncles, pull them out of school.

That just sounds
kind of creepy.

Yeah, I guess.

Hey! Sexy like a
chocolate strawberry.

What's her problem?

I don't know.

I mean, you laid that
genius line on her.

I can't believe she
didn't take your bait.

I know, right?

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Mr. Bullshit
and Dr. I'm-full-of-shit.

In what way
are we full of shit?

Which one of us
has the Ph. D?

So how was your first
weekend with the boys?

It was great. We did 14 hours.
Will you sign our sheets?

Maybe give us a few more, just
for kicks? Round it up to 50?

Don't you sass me.

What, do you think I'm a pushover? You
know what I used to eat for breakfast?


You know what I
used to eat for lunch?


What'd you have for dinner?
Was it cocaine?

I will sign your sheets, but you need to
know I am not here to service your hours.

I'm here to service
these young boys.

Do you think I give a shit
if you guys go to prison?

I've been to prison. I have.

I've been to prison.

A prison of drugs, alcohol
and sick thoughts.

I used to have sick thoughts.

So don't you come in here,

preaching to me about hours

when you're standing over there,
and you're standing over there,

and I don't know
which way is up!

Should we come back?

We can come back.

Come here.

We're having an overnight camping trip,
Big Bear this weekend.

I suggest that you ask
your Littles to go with you.

Maybe worry a little bit about them
and not so much about your hours.

That's great. Sign us up.

And, fellas,
will you do me a favor?

Next time you
want to bullshit me,

bullshit each
other instead, okay?

See how that feels.


Okay. Okay.

All right.

I hate camping.

You could use a little
dose of the outdoors.

Camping blows. It's dirty, and
I don't like sleeping on rocks.

Bring some Ambien.
You'll sleep like a baby.

There's always a guy with an acoustic guitar
that doesn't quite know how to play it.

Kumbaya, my...

Wait. I know it.


You know.
Wait. I know it. Wait.

Kumbaya, my Lord

No. Wait.
Oh, yeah, I got it.

This is it.

I think that's got it.

God damn it, Ronnie!

What? 'Cause I'm black,
you think I did it?

No, 'cause you did it
is why I think you did it.

Let me tell you something.
I am not your Big, and I'll hit you.

I will hit a child.

I've never done that before,
but I will punch you in the face.

Let's dance,
Ben Affleck!

Ronnie! Leave him alone.


But I'm watching
you, Daredevil.

Looks like you guys
could use a hand up here.

Come on, man!
Just having some fun.

Let's take a hike.
- Thank you.

Don't worry. Once the little ones are
asleep, I'll break out the PG stuff.

Kumbaya, huh?

You don't happen to
know any Wings, do you?

Wings? Yeah.

Love, take me down
to the streets


Man! She got some
boobies on her!

You sure do like
boobies, Ronnie.

I sure do.

Sometimes I call myself
the Booby Watcher.

Even got my own comic book.
Adventures of the Booby Watcher.

Okay. You know,
I got a theory about boobies.


You see, there are as many women
as there are men on this planet.

True that, true that.

And every woman has two
boobs, for the most part.

So therefore, there's twice
as many boobs as there are men.

We're outnumbered,
and it's overwhelming.

We're powerless.
We have to accept it.

I like your take
on boobies.

And I like boobies.

Kid, you got a lot to learn.

I know what I'm doing.

So you're aware that you've
committed one of the most

common rookie
boob-watching errors?

What you mean?

Never stare at
the boobies, kid.

Yeah, once you get caught,
the game's over.

But how?
It's called training.

You know, being aware
without drawing attention.

You don't think I've noticed the
34-C's in the camouflage tank top

setting up the tent
directly to the left of us?

How about those twin cannons hiking up
the mountain ridge 50 yards due west?

Or the ridge itself?

Round mounds of
grass shaped like...


Don't look over there.
Look here.

Yeah, focus.
You'll get it.

Too bad old Sweeny herself
couldn't come up here for this trip.

That would have
been fun, huh?

Yeah. A real blast.

Yeah, she probably just
had to hold down the fort.

You got a thing
for Sweeny, Martin?

Sweeney? Me? No.
Now that is a knee slapper.

Your erection is showing.


You okay?


Did you know that bald eagles are known
to engage in a bizarre mating ritual

where two eagles fly upwards,
lock talons,

then fall towards the earth
while rotating,

separating moments before
they crash into the ground,

if, and only if, they
consummate their bird fuck?

If they don't, they're willing
to accept death by hard ground.

It's the ultimate race
against the clock.

Why are you
telling me this?

Why would I not?

Hi, Danny.

I forgot to tell you,
they'll be telling

ghost stories later.

You should stop by.

And as the barn door
creaked open, ever so slowly,

standing there with
the moon at his back

and holding the severed head of the
pediatrician's mother in his hand,

was Philip,

the pizza delivery boy

from when they ordered pizza
at the beginning of the story!

Come on, you guys!

All right. Whatever!
Hey, come here.

You guys
are unscareable.

Think you can do better?
Who's got a better story? Come on.

You guys are so smart.
Who's got a scarier story than me?

So what's up?

I don't know.
What's up with you?

I know you're engaged.
I haven't forgotten.


So what's this?


Those are my testicles.


Listen, I have an
arrangement with my fiancé.

I'm completely faithful to him within
the area codes of greater Los Angeles.

Out here, I'm just another
woman who's ready to cheat.

Give me two minutes.

How about you, Daniel?
You think you can top it?

It's Danny.

Oh, Danny boy
The Danny boys are Danny boys

Come on, man! We're on pins
and needles. Give us a story.

Okay, I've got a really
good horror story,

and it's particularly
terrifying because it's true.

Oh, a true story!

In countries all over the
world, including our own,

children, many
of them just like you,

are abducted and sold

into the world of
underground sex trafficking.

What is he saying?

I'm gonna stop you there,
Danny boy. That is a scary story.

Story time is over! Everybody,
let's break into our groups.

Group A, come with me for
Martin's midnight mystery hike.

And group B, go with Duane.
What you got on tap, Duane?

We are gonna make some
s'mores using white chocolate.


Well, I'm not sure I agree with
that, but to each their own.

Hey, hey, Danny.
Is this all your Ambien?


Okay, 'cause Connie
and I are gonna take some,

and then we're gonna stay up
as late as we can,

because if you fight
the urge to go to sleep,

things start to get all trippy,
and then we're gonna fuck.

Connie who's engaged.

Oh, yeah.

You know what? Don't worry about
it. We'll make do with three each.

Fight it. Come on.
Stay awake.

You know, a lot of people don't
realize that bushes, just like flowers,

emit a wonderful aroma,
especially at night.

Who wants to sniff
this bush?

So Ronnie's out on
some kind of hike.

Where's Wheeler?

He's having sex
with a married lady.


Are you sewing?

This is my country's

Do you think we can speak
in private for a second?

Yeah. Yeah.

I already talked to Kuzzik
and Artonius,

and we would like to officially invite
you to be a soldier in the Xanthian army.

Well, that's very kind of you, but
I would like to respectfully decline.

I'm kind of a pacifist.

I don't really believe
in imaginary bloodshed.

But there's room in Laire
for all belief systems.

Even early barbaric
modalities have their place.

Augie, look, you're
a good kid. I like you,

but I'm not really into
the whole buddy-buddy,

kind of thing.

Well, why are you here?

It's court-ordered.

What did you do?

I just had one of those days
where you wake up and say,

"Where did the last
10 years of my life go?"

I asked my girlfriend
to marry me out of impulse.

She dumped me.

And then I ran a truck that looks
like a bull into a statue of a horse.

I'm not here by choice
either, by the way.


My guidance counselor
signed me up.


Said anyone who wears a cape and
has a sword should have more friends.

Whoop-dee-doo, right?

So both of us don't
want to be here.


Well, we got that in common.

So do you have
a girlfriend?

No. What?

Why would you ask...
No, I don't have a girlfriend.

But what about that girl you're always
looking at, with the cap and the...

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Come on!
Don't bullshit me.

You're always
looking at her.

You mean Esplen,
the Goddess of Navalore?

I don't know. Probably.

Her name's Sarah.


Ah, Sarah.

You ever talk to her?


I've killed her a couple of times in
battle, but that's not really anything.

Talk to her.

No, I can't talk to her.

Romance her. Give her that
patch of yours. She'll love it.

No, I can't give her this.

She'll be flattered!
Why not?

I made it for you.

You made that for me?


Great. Now I gotta do it.

Yeah, that kind
of was my plan.

That was so low, dude.

No. Come on, Connie.
Stay awake.


I gotta pee.


Hey! Martin!


What are you
doing out here?

I'm just doing my
perimeter check.

Hey, did you know that
dinosaurs are not extinct?

Because birds are dinosaurs,
and they're everywhere.


Now, all right.

I gotta pee.
I really gotta pee.

Look at that.

Yo, Wheeler!
You in there?

Oh, my God.

- Nice, man.

Oh, boy.

This is a classic case
of guy on the ground.

I'm sorry.
I don't care.


So I heard there was
some sex on the trip

and some drugs, too.

Only thing missing
was rock 'n' roll.

What was Danny doing
with those Ambiens?

He has trouble sleeping

How did Wheeler come to be
naked in the center of camp?

He was sleepwalking.

Danny ever offer you drugs?

Answer me.
No, ma'am.

Did Wheeler ever
expose himself to you?

Hell no!

Fellows? These young gentlemen
here have decided your fates.

If it was up to me, I'd lock you both
up, but the boys are saying you're okay.

This is your last chance.
Start acting like Bigs.

Thanks, guys.

Suck it, Reindeer Games!

I'm not Ben Affleck.

You white?
Then you Ben Affleck.

Right, Wheeler?
Yeah. You are white.

That's true,
I am white.

Let's go.

Ready to go?

Yeah. I'm ready. All right.


You are going down!

Don't you mess
with my dark arts.

You shall be slain.

Oh, yeah?
Oh, yeah.

Fuck my cock! Sorry.

I have a question, Wheeler.
- Yes, JJ.

How many dates do you have to go out
with a girl before you get to touch her...


Good question.

So you get
hit in the arm,

you lose your arm.

You gotta put it behind
you, like this.

You get hit in the leg,
you lose the leg.

See you.

So you gotta hop.

You can't use it.
You gotta hop around?

Yeah, you gotta hop.

And if you get hit in
the chest, then you're...

lifestyle you chose

could lead to dying sad and alone?
- What?

What about STDs? No.

Gonorrhea? At the very least, crabs.
- What the hell?

I don't have crabs. What have
you been telling them, Ronnie?

You got crabs.


Come on, whitey, dance! Break
it on down! Get it funky!

He's out.

Thank you.

Call her. Sweep
her off her feet.

It's not that easy, Augie.

Just let her know
how you feel.

Give her one call.

All right. I'll...

Just get off my back.

Did you know in
the 14th century that

knights used to write love songs
and poems for the women they loved,

even if she was married?

No, I didn't know that.

Well, there you go.

It's her voice mail.

Hey, Beth. How's it going? It's me.

Tell her her hair is like 1,000 suns.
Look, I...

I was wondering if maybe
you wanted to get together.

I know there's a lot
of stuff I'd like to say.

Whispering eye.

So, if you get a chance,
give me a call back and...

You long for her whispering eye.
We can...

We can see each other.

I'd love to see you.

And her whispering eye.

And your whispering eye.

All right. Bye.

Whispering eye?

It means vagina.

It means vagina.

That's a classy
move, man.

It means vagina.

Yeah. Get your whispering
eye in the cab, Augie.




Thanks for meeting me.

I got you a venti chai,

which is what they call
a large here, which I love.


There's a transformation.

Yes, well, you know, I've been doing
this community service for almost a month,

and I really feel as if it's given
me some perspective on things.

Well, that's great.
I hope that's true, Danny.

So let's get married.

Okay, I'm gonna leave now.

Danny, you are not taking
this breakup seriously.

Yeah, because
I don't want it.

Do you really think
I wanted this?

Look. Hey. This is us.

This is not us.

We have not been us in a
while, because you are not you.

Danny, you're not happy.

I've been with you seven years, and
it's been getting progressively worse.

And it makes me feel bad about
me that I can't make you happier.

Where am I gonna find a girl who
hates all the same things I do?

You're so romantic.

Hey. Hey.

"You complete me."

"You had me at 'hello."'
Oh, God. Danny.

Come on, Beth.
You're not...

You're not hearing
what I'm saying to you.

"I am just a girl standing in front
of a boy, telling her to love her."

You don't even
know that one.

Hey. Come on.

"Who you gonna call?"

"Ghost Busters."
Okay. You know what?

No. I am committing to this breakup.
This is the best thing for us.

You can call me if you
need legal advice.

Come on! Let's kill
some Cacedonians!

And I got a little
something-something for you to wear.

Yeah, I'm not
gonna wear this.


Soon enough.
Soon enough you'll want it.


Yo, Wheeler. What up, dog? You
scoundrel. What are you doing, man?

Yo, Hogan's having another
party tonight, man. You gotta go.

There's gonna be a lot of
sweet-ass pussy there, girl pussy.

Ooh! Uh...

Thanks for the offer.
Maybe some other time.

You're the king, Wheeler.
You're the king.

Dude, don't give up that
sweet-ass pussy on my account.

I'll go with you.

Okay. If you say so.

All right.
You're my PIC, Wheeler.

What's a PIC?
Partner in crime.

You're my PIC. Just don't
cock-block me tonight.

Wouldn't dream of it.
We'll have a great time.

We'll go to the party,
we'll get some zah,

play some Xbox.

Damn straight.

Countrymen, smell
the battle in the air!

Goddess of Navalore.

Venus herself would be jealous.
Braman, good to see you.

Good morrow, sir!
Good morrow to you.

Good morning.

Keep your blades sharp
but your wits sharper.

Ah! Gleebo, look at you.
A visage.

Men, get ready to
dance with swords!

Alack and allay! What lovely vassal
has Mercury delivered upon us today

and in such strange
and frightful attire?

Let us thank the gods

for sending us such a brave
and valiant warrior to Xanthia.

All hail Lunesta.

Hail, Lunesta!

How's it going?

Isn't that a sleeping pill?

Yeah. It's 'cause I send my enemies
to their eternal resting place.

"To sleep,
perchance to dream."

Well, welcome, Lunesta.
We bid you good battle.

Prepare to have your
worldview rocked.

Let's do this.

Let's do this,
we shall!

The battle begins!

Turn and fight, coward!

You'll never catch me!

What have you got?

The Cacedonians have
our kinsmen surrounded.

Leave them for Davith.

Prepare for
a Glencracken!



The king is

I shall approach him
from the rear.

God save you!

Oh, fuck me. All right.
You got it. I got you.

You look amazing.

Thanks, man.

You're dead.

No way.
I killed you.

You didn't kill me.
Now exeunt this battlefield.

Wait a second.
That's not fair.

you little twerp.

You've been slain by the
mighty king. Now get lost,

and take some pride
in dying an honorable death.

No, but I killed you.

You can't kill me after
I already killed you.

Davith of Glencracken.

Yes, my liege.

Didst he slay me?

He doth not slay the king.

You weren't even here
when it happened!

Was too here.

Everyone, I'm telling you
the truth. I killed the king!


Why don't you
believe me? I swear...

Dost the Xanthian
weep like a maiden?

Why are you
laughing at me?

What are you doing?

Danny, I didn't...

I killed the king.
- Oh, my God.

You're lying.

Are you calling me a liar?
You're a liar.

Danny, just drop it. Let's just
get out of here. It doesn't matter.

Are you telling me a kid
could slay the mighty king?

Not a real king,
but you, yeah.

You're lying. I can tell.
Danny, stop.

He killed you.
Give him your hat.

It's a crown.

Give him your hat.

It's a crown, dude!

You're a liar.

It's a piece of plastic.

Okay, game over.

You both are disqualified
from Laire forever.

Are you kidding me?

Augie! Augie!


Leave me alone.

Look. I'm sorry.

No, you're not sorry.
You don't care about any of this!

This is so unfair!

Hey, come on, buddy.
I'm not your buddy!

You're only doing this because
the judge is making you.

And you know what?
That's fine if you don't give a shit,

but you don't have to ruin it
for me, because I do give a shit!

I give lots of shits!

Look, it's gonna be okay.

No, it's not gonna be okay!

You're the worst mentor ever! No wonder
your girlfriend left you, you asshole!

Yo, Wheeler.
What's up, man?

Hey. What's up?

Okay, kid. Let's mingle.

Let's do it.


Excuse me, miss.

You're sexy like
a chocolate strawberry.

Who told you to say that?

That's Wheeler,

my PIC.

Come on, baby!

Pass it.


Hey. I'm gonna
rock a squirt,

so you watch the kid
for a few minutes?

Sure thing. You're the king,
Wheeler. You're the king.

Yeah, okay.

Long line.

I've seen longer.

Have we met?
I don't know. Have we?

Well, what do you do?

Well, I'm kind of
on hiatus right now,

but my job is to dress up like a
minotaur and keep kids off drugs.

Well, that's how I know you.
I teach at Morgan Elementary.

That's so funny, 'cause I
think elementary school is hot.


What are you doing here?
I wanted to talk to you.

No, I don't want to
talk to you right now.

Hey, Danny.

You decided to come for dinner.
Great. Come on in.

God damn it!

What's up his cooz?

I should take a piss
more often.

I don't know.
I don't got a raincoat.

Don't worry.
I'm very pro-choice.


God, I'm really
kicking your ass.

That's because
this is soccer.

Black folks
don't play soccer.

That guy's black.
Right there.

You sit down,
young man.

You have
been a bad boy!

I've been bad.

And now you're gonna
have to stay after class.

Oh, man. Look.

Even though this is one of my top
four all-time fantasies, I can't, okay?

I want to, but I gotta
go find my friend.

Oh, yeah?

You sure?

Oh, my God.

Do what you need to do.

He'll be fine.
He's 10. Come here.

Let's go.


This is how it ends.

Game winner! I win!

Let's go, Michael.

Man, forget you, man.

That's booty, son.

Let's go. I'm ready.

They don't call me the king
of this game for nothing!

Wheeler, where you at?

Wheeler? Wheeler. Wheeler.


So, Danny, you must be glad
that you're almost done

with your required
time with Augie.

How much time
do you have left?

Eleven, 12 hours or so.

Jeez, Augie. You're acting
like your goldfish died.

I don't have a goldfish, Jim.
You know what I mean.

You're acting like as if you
had a goldfish and it died.

Augie kind of got
screwed over today.

I killed the king, Mom.

- He killed the king.

All right. All right. Don't
encourage him. He did kill the king.

But he was lying to everyone and
told everyone that he killed me.

I don't wanna hear any more
about your Dungeons & Dragons

or your fruity Cocoa Puffs...

It's all fairyland
with him.

We're trying to keep it...
We're trying to keep it real.

The Goddess of Navalore
saw me cry, Mom.

Hey, Augie, when I was a
little kid, I accidentally

crapped my pants
in front of a girl I liked,

so I feel your pain.

Well, he likes girls. That's a
good thing. That's a surprise to me.

Doesn't matter anyway.
He got me kicked out.

- What? You're kidding me.

They can kick you out?

Yeah, I'm banned.
This is a great thing.

Way to go, big guy.
Does this mean

we can finally get rid
of those boots

and that God-awful cape that you made
out of my tablecloth? I'm so sick of this.

I'll burn them up in a...

We'll have a bonfire.
We'll make a thing of it.

Don't you want him to wear
what makes him happy?

Yes. Yes, I do.

You know when I want him to
wear what makes him happy?

On October 31st.
Halloween, go nuts.

Wear lipstick.
I don't care.

Yeah. Yeah.

You know, dress like a nun.

We're gonna have
a celebration

to celebrate you joining
the rest of the world.

Becoming a normal kid.
He is a normal kid.

You think he's normal?
- Yeah, I think he's normal.

You think he's normal.
He's normal.

When I was his age,

I had four, five girlfriends at
one time. Didn't I tell you that?

He was fucking
his cousin.

I wasn't fucking
my cousin. I...

We kissed, because I didn't
know she was my cousin,

but when I found out, I stopped
kissing her, but I fucked her friends.

I fucked my
cousin's friends.

I think that Augie is just having
kind of a tough time in life,

which sounds pretty normal
to me. Life is tough.

It is tough. But you know
what? This is my point.

It's tougher when you...
With parents like you?

Excuse me?
What did you just say?

I said it is tough, but I think
it's tougher with parents like you.

I thought that's
what you just said.

I don't know
how you do it, kid.

I mean, I thought my life sucked.
Jesus Christ, I really feel for you.

Okay. That's enough.

Don't listen to
them, all right?

Do what makes you happy.
You want to wear a cape?

Wear a cape.

You want to wear a suit of armor?
Who gives a shit?

You know what? I would never
have invited you over for moussaka

if I'd known you were gonna
be such a prick. Excuse me.

Augie, screw them.

Do what makes you happy.
Hey. Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Do what makes you happy.

Hey, buddy...

I'd like you to
leave now, please.

I figure you're probably

not gonna sign my
hours sheet now.

Go fuck yourself.

That's what I thought.
Hey, Augie, I'm sorry.

Get the hell out.

I'd be psyched if he was my kid.

And you know what,

It's not that we're not
psyched that you're our kid.

We're psyched. I'm so
psyched, I can't stand it.

Your mom's psyched
that you're her kid.

May I please
be excused, Mom?

Hey. Where's Ronnie?

Who's Ronnie, dude?

Oh, shit. Ronnie!


What's up, man?
Hey. How you doing?


Anybody see the
little kid I was with?

 This is Karen,
Ronnie's mother.

Ronnie was supposed to be
home a few hours ago.

This is Karen again.

Can you guys please call me
and let me know where you are?

Ronnie just got in. He walked all the way home.
What the hell...

You're out.

No, no, no, no. It's over.
You blew it. It's done. Okay?

I hear what you're saying.
We're very sorry, but we're 11 hours short.

And you're gonna stay 11 hours
short, okay? I don't know.

Parents don't want you hanging around
with their kids for some reason.

So you BSed a BSer.

Good for you! I hope you feel
good about yourself, God damn it!

You know, I could be
back in New York

doing cocaine in the
Village, but I'm not.

You know why?
Kids come first.

They don't come
first for you, do they?

They come second
to your selfishness.

So why don't you
two guys go home,

put down some lines
of selfishness,

which is your blow,

close the shades, take
the phone off the hook,

grab a straw and snort?

And don't expect me
to testify on your behalf.

You're not Sturdy Wings

I think you guys are gonna
have to go to jail.

The only thing we can do now

is make a case at the hearing
that you did your best.

It's gonna take some serious
lawyering on my part.

Yeah. Beth, please.
Lawyer the shit out of it.

I just can't promise

Yes, Wheeler?

Maybe a stupid one, but
I'm just spit-balling here.

The Get Out of Jail Free

is that based on
something that exists or...

That wasn't
a stupid question.

That's real.

It's real in the
game of Monopoly.

Yeah, it's based
on true events.

How... What do you mean?


I can't believe
we're going to jail.

Believe it.

Hey, maybe you'll
roll doubles. You know?

If not, you just
miss three turns.

Game face, bro.

I told you.
Game face.

Enough with the
game face, all right?

This isn't beach volleyball.

Is it not? Because,
if you think about it,

the net is like your goals
in life, and you are the ball.

And you can spike the ball
down, or you, over the net.

Shut up, shut up, shut up.
Then you go into sidelines.

It's bad enough
I'm going to jail.

I can't take it anymore
with you yapping away.

Yap, yap, yip, yip.

"Bang your drum, bro."
Maybe I should be like you.

"I hate myself, yet I'm
better than everyone."

You're one to talk.
You took a 10-year-old to a party

and left him so you
could go get a blow job.


It wasn't a blow job.
We fucked.

Please! Watch
your language!


You are an
S-H-l-T-T-Y friend.

He can spell.

I'm not your friend.


You wanna go?

Stop it!

There you go, Danny.
Now you got no friends.


Hey, Ro-Ro. It's Wheeler.

So you guys have to
be at the courthouse

no later than
3:00 p.m., okay?

All right.

Please, do not be late.
No. I know.

No, I'll be there.

You don't always have to get
breakfast this time of day.

Hiya, King.

No, no, no. I don't
mean to cause trouble.

I just wanted to come
by and apologize

for the way that
I behaved last time.

I... I lost my temper when I saw
you last, and that was regrettable.

Not to mention highly
illegal, you jackanape.

I know. It's just that my...
Denver omelet?

Right here. Thank you.

It's just my friend
was upset, you see,

and he thought
he'd stabbed you.

He hadn't.
Of course he hadn't.

Go on.

It's just that...

I accidentally cast an
unbreakable madness spell on him.

Well, that was stupid.
- I know, right?

I didn't mean to.

You guys are reckless
out there.

Yeah. Unsafe. Okay, I had a
protection spell on me. All right?

But it had faded off when you
touched me, so don't flatter yourself

thinking you can come
back at me, okay,

'cause I would love to see
you penetrate me again.

Anyway, I was
just wondering

if maybe you could
see it in your heart

to let him fight today
on the battlefield.

He loves Laire
more than anything.

He's just a kid, but he's
got the heart of a lion...


...and the eye of the tiger.


More coffee?

No, I'm decaf.


If he be so brave,

why doth he not show
his face here today?

Do you fight
all his battles?


He knows not I'm here.


He hath too
much pride.


Magic healing
potion. Wizards...

How's it going?

Tell your kinsman

we shall see him
on the battlefield today.

Thank you.
Thank you, noble king.



You know
you want it.

Now exit my
Burger Hole, boy.

Make it known to the Xanthians that
if they let Augie fight with them,

we'll destroy each and every
one of them, without mercy,

before the first
apple-cider break.

Hey, what's up, my PIC?

Ronnie. Ronnie.

To listen to me

and listen good.
I am a very animalistic woman,

a very animalistic woman,

and when it comes to my son,
I am a lioness,

a black Sheba.

Black Sheba.
Yeah, but listen...

I am a lioness,

and that boy is my cub,

and if you let anything bad
happen to my cub,

I will claw your ass up
until you shit sideways.

Do you understand?

You'll tear me up so bad that when
I shit, it'll come out sideways.

I understand.

It's just, Ronnie looks
up to you. Okay?

He doesn't need another
man leaving him behind.

I know. I know.
I fucked up, okay?

I... The kid acts
so tough,

I didn't know I could
hurt him, you know?

I'm determined to make
it up to him. All right?

What I'm trying to say is that
when I get out of prison,

could I hang out with
your 10-year-old son?

Well, you're gonna have
to ask him yourself.

Hey. Ronnie.


Look. I'm sorry, okay?

I know I don't deserve it,

but Sturdy Wings or no Sturdy
Wings, I want to be your Big.

Okay. I'm your Little, and
you're my Big. I like that.

Can I tell you how deeply, deeply I
regret this situation with this latest Big?

It's completely unacceptable,
and at Sturdy Wings,

it's not how we roll.

So I'm going to guarantee
you that Mr. Gary

is our most experienced
and dependable volunteer.

Let me
put it this way.

If I had a nickel for every year
that I've been with Sturdy Wings,

I would have enough
money to

play a game of Pac-Man.

Been five years.

And if I stay with Sturdy
Wings for another five years,

then I'll have enough
for another round.

Another round of Pac-Man.
- Right.

Five cents for every year,
times five...

That's 25.
We get it.

That's 25 cents.
- That's a quarter.

But the Pac-Man here,
I think it's 50 cents.

What are you doing here?
I'm breaking you out.

There's a nation at war.
Are you in?


Aye... I am, too.
Come on.

Wheeler hasn't called me back.
Are you guys gonna make it or what?

I don't know, Beth. I mean, I can't
speak for Wheeler, but I'll be there.

You gotta promise me.
Yeah, I promise. I just...

I'm helping Augie with something,
and then I'm on my way, okay?

County courthouse, 3:00.
All right.

Man, I'm gonna kick
some Cacedonian ass.

Yeah, totally.

It's Artonius.

Bid him good morrow.

Greetings, Artonius.

Get ready for some pain.

What? What? Wait. No, no, no.
No, you can't do that.

You're out of Xanthia.
What are you talking about?

Sorry, Blufgan.

Forget it, Danny.

They said I'm too
much of a liability.

They're kicking me
out of Xanthia.

What? Are you serious?

Screw them. We'll
start our own country.

We can't.

All my costumes have the same
colors and same symbols as Xanthia.

And besides, you can't start
a country with two people.

No? What's the minimum?

Where you going?

You can't go anywhere.
Come on.

What do you want,

Actually, we
need your help.

I can't believe
my eyes.

A minotaur!


Where are you?

Hear he, hear he.

This is a battle to the
last man standing,

and the victor
shall rule the realm.

There'll be no magical
rejuvenation powder today.

Instead, if you are killed,
you are done!

Fight well, and may
the best country win!

Stay close, like
cotton on a lamb.

Brothers and sisters of the
new nation of Kiss-My-Anthia,

I stand here before you not as
the Augie Farks you once knew.

Today I stand before
you a warrior!

For time eternal,

I have let the naysayers
of this world bring me down.

They used to say,
"You shouldn't fight.

"You should be
embarrassed of yourself.

"You look like a young
Marvin Hamlisch."

Well, you know what
I say to those naysayers?

I say nay! I will fight!

I will not be embarrassed!

Who the fuck
is Marvin Hamlisch?

He wrote the music
to The Sting.

That's a good movie.

But I don't care,

'cause in this moment,
doing what I love,

I know I have already won.

An honorable, albeit court-appointed,
friend once said to me,

"Do what makes you happy."

And nothing would make me happier
than to fight alongside you brave men.

When the elders
speak of this day,

they will speak of the courage
of Kiss-My-Anthia.

Of the Spaceman.

The Demon.

The Starchild.

And me, the Cat!

So let us raise
our swords in victory,

crank this shit up to 11,

and let's rip this
realm a new asshole!


Yeah! What the fuck
are we talking about?

May Xanthia and
Kiss-My-Anthia be allies.

King Argotron be damned.
We fight with you.

Thank you, friends.
Your honor is great.

Come. Let us gingerly
touch our tips.

Game on!


Once we pass this point,
there's no turning back.

It's a fight
to the death!

About time!
Let's rip this shit up!


Yeah. Oh, snap! No!

Come on. No!

Augie, what the hell?
Your boys just killed me!

Retreat! Go! Like the leopard!
Like the leopard!

Oh, Saint Venise!

Et tu, you two?

What the hell's going on?

They killed you, so you have to
die an honorable and noble death.

Okay. I think I can do that.

Not bad.


Fulfill your
destiny, Blufgan.

Kill the king.

I will.
Kill the king.

I will, Kuzzik!

Go. Go.

Go. Go.

Take that, you
lily-livered coward!

Hey. Where the hell are you guys?

I cannot stall any longer.

I'm at Jefferson Park.
Look. I can't talk right now.

I'm in the middle of
battling a Cacedonian.

Beth, I gotta help Augie.
I gotta go.

Fucking Cacedonian ass.

What? Hello. What?


Retreat to the castle!

Long live Xanthia!

You lost an arm, honey!

Nice one, dude.

Hey, Esplen.

Okay. See you.
See you.

Die, coward!

is to rule forever!

What a scene.

Okay. We lost a man,
but we can still do this.

It's not the manpower.
It's the power of the man.

Shit, this kid really
jacks you up.

I want you to go left
through these trees.

His lackeys
are pretty strong,

but Davith of Glencracken
is the one you want.

He's the one built
like a brick shithouse.

Leave it to us, Augie.

Good luck, mi amigos!

Thanks for doing this.
- I'm doing it for the kids, not for you.

Come on.

Feel the steel
of my hammer!

Hey, hey! Okay! Okay!
I'm dead! I'm dead!

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
It's fun though, right?

It's a blast.
It's contagious. I know.

Come back next year.

I will. Thanks. Okay.

We need people.
Give me your e-mail.

Dude, you saved my life.

I did what any good
coworker would do.

I honestly can't say
I would do the same for you.

You would, Danny,
because you're my friend.

I want to hear you say it.

Come on.
Say it.

I'm your friend.

Will you hold me?

Kiss on the cheek?

Hug me. I don't want to
do any of that.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Aren't you dead yet?

Very close, Starchild.

The end is near.

Sleep, friend.

They can't hurt you now.

Right in the ball
sack. Fuck.

All right. I'm
gonna get a beer.

Hold your ground!

Enclose, stab.

As you command.

Yes, my lord.

Davith is gone.
Nice work.

Where's Spaceman?

I don't think there's many
warriors left, you know.

If I could just get
him one-on-one,

I swear I could take him.
I could take him down.

Hold up, dude.
Methinks I have a plan.

Hey, King! King!

It's that guy from
The Burger Hole.

Oh, he seems
to be wounded.

Shall I take him out, sire?

Nay. This one is mine.

Well! Well, well.

Looks like thou art fell for
the oldest trick in the scroll.

Now you will kneel
before the king.

Oh, drag. I really wanted to
win that pointy little hat.

It's a crown!




Argotron. Face me,
if ye be brave enough.

Didn't I teach you
a lesson the last time?

I think you're afraid
I'm gonna kill you again.

Go get them, Augie!

You shut up, whore!
My mom is not a whore!

Yes, she is!

He could actually win.
It's anyone's game.

Go, Blufgan!

Yo, Augie! Fuck
his shit up, man!

Screw it!

Bad decision.

No, it's a good decision.

Oh, shit!

It's okay.
I don't need it.


Please. No.


That's what
I'm talking about!


The gods have
played a coup.

Blufgan is the last man
standing of them all!

All hail King Blufgan!

Hail, Blufgan!


What? Esplen is still alive?


I was hiding in the
bushes the whole time.

That's a pretty
smart strategy.

Sorry I killed you.

It's okay.

All hail Queen Esplen
of Navalore!

Hail, Esplen!

Game end!

One slice to the king's chest
and down like a sack of elderberries!

You did good, Augie.

I mean, a girl did beat you,

but it's definitely not as
gay as I thought it would be.

You were incredible.
Second place!

That's like a silver medal. Kind of
makes you hungry for the gold, huh?

No, but we...
Serious, we are very, very proud of you.

Thanks for trying to
be nice, Mom. Jim.

Hail, Esplen!


I can't believe I won.

When I killed you,
I was, like, "No way."

Yeah, well, the crown looks
very good on you, very regal.

I liked your whiskers.

Was that eyeliner?

Yeah, I just drew them on.

It looked good.

I have two cats, so...

Oh. Okay. Cool.

So, Augie,

now that I'm queen,
I was wondering if maybe

you'd wanna be my king?

Yeah. I'd love that.

Should I kiss you now?

Fuck, yeah.

Do you know the
song Beth? By Kiss?

You did a really good
thing tonight, Wheeler.

Yeah. They'll probably
double our sentence

for not showing up to the
hearing this afternoon.

Well, listen. I got a long-standing
relationship with this judge,

and I don't want to get too graphic,
but I used to suck his dick for drugs.

He got me my junk.

Long story short, you
guys are not going to jail.

Are you BSing me?
'Cause I know you're the best BSer.

No, I'm being straight
with you, man.

Shit. Thank you.

Whoa! Okay.

Thank you so much.
All right.

Hey, what's going on here?

So speaking of whatever you
guys were just talking about,

I happen to know a really nice
Italian restaurant in Manhattan Beach,

and I would love to take you
if you're interested.

Sure, Martin.

I just hope we're talking
pasta and not pussy.

Well, I was talking about
two adults having some pasta,

and, yes, I was kinda hoping
that it would lead to some pussy.

Call it out there.

I mean, what are we after here?

Quiet down! Quiet down!
Gather round, ye nobles!

Beth, I hear you calling

But I can't come
home right now

'Cause me and the
boys are slaying

And we just can't
find the sound

None of these lyrics

Have anything to do
with what I want to say

But it's got a pretty melody

And I get to sing your name

That seems pretty cool

Beth, you are so awesome

And I miss you so much

Your beautiful smile

And your positive attitude
and your whispering eye

We don't have to get married

But I'm still in love with you

We can just be together

Like Tim Robbins
and Susan Sarandon

Good actors.

Tim and Sue

Beth, I am so
lonely without you

And I hope we'll be all right

You and me should make up


And the kiss!


Hey, what does this
look like to you?

- How you doing?


Yes, sir.

Put it back in.

Ouch. Ouch.
Oh, yeah, yeah.

There you go.

Special thanks to SergeiK.