Sex Drive Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Sex Drive script is here for all you fans of the Josh Zuckerman and Clark Duke movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Sex Drive quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Sex Drive Script


Sorry, but I couldn't help but notice you.
I have this exact same tribal tattoo.

Mine's one my... It's on my back.

But actually I have a town car outside
if you wanna go see...

All right.
Why don't you do one more?

We open up against Michigan
in two weeks.

Coach's got me hitting the bench
pretty hard.

Shit. How much is a lot?

One... No, two.

I'm putting up three hundy.

Well, let's see, Tasty.



Wow, you're really pretty. I've never seen...

No, stop it, stop it.

Don't be so fucking desperate.
Come on, be a dick. Be cool.

Don't be a pussy.
Tell her she's an ugly skank.


Not bad.

I've seen better.

Yeah, whatever.

Coach's got us running two-a-days,
so I gotta bounce.

Miss Tasty? How did you get here?


Ian, wake up, faggot. Judge rolls in 20,

so if you want a ride to work
you better get your poop in a group.

- Okay, I'll be right down.
- No. Now, Clay Aiken.

- All right.
- No, now, homo.

- Just give me a minute.
- No, no, no, no. Now, sissy.

- Just...
- No, now, chode-stroker.

Now, ball bag.


- Ow! Cut it out.
- Hurts, doesn't it?

Shut up! I'm trying to sleep.

Hey, Big D, sorry. Go back to sleep.
You're golden.

- You, get your ass up.
- Give me a minute.

What're you doing under there, huh?

What're you doing?
You're firing off your skin pistol?

Come on, get up. What are you hiding?

You got a big fattie under there, don't you?

Yeah, you do. You're stroking it, too.
What the F?

Your little brother's sleeping
not ten feet away. Jesus Christ!

Good. My boys are all here.

- Dad, Ian's free...
- Can it, Rex.

Your pop's got a bombshell to drop,
so ears open.

Last night,
your old man popped the question.

Show them, Karen.

I'm so happy.

Hey, way to go!

Ian, you wanna get off your duff
and come over here and give Karen a hug?


- Yeah, Ian, come on. You're being rude.
- Can we do that later?

- Damn it, Ian, get up...
- No, no, honey. It's okay.

We have to give him time
to get used to the idea.

- Are you okay?

Karen? Karen, honey?
- You okay?


What smells like jizz?

Let's go! Kick it in the ass, dildo!

Come on, get in. Get in!

You suck!

Okay, seriously.
Quit being such a fag and get in.

 Never go down
So let's get it up

Ian, I'm gonna ask you a question,
and I want a straight answer.

- You queer?
- What?

- God damn it! I knew it!
- I didn't say anything.

Exactly. If someone asks you
if you're a pole smoker,

you just deny it, straight off.
No pause, no farting around.

Rex, I'm not gay.

- Dad thinks you're gay.
- What?

- You're breaking the old man's heart.
- No, I'm not. I told him I'm not.

Ian, you're 18,
and you've never had a girlfriend.

That's how people wind up getting gay,
you know.

I don't think that's really how it happens.

Is that not how it happens?
So tell me how it happens, expert.

Fucking cock expert. Cockspert.

Hey, what do you like better,
the shaft or the balls?

- That's gross.
- You like them both, don't you?

It's like, sometimes like, Tuesdays you want
the big, old fucking shiny-ass cock,

and Wednesdays and Thursdays
you're on to the balls.

- I don't know why you're talking about it.
- You can't choose, can you?

That's a tough one.
You love it and you're obsessed with it.

No, you are. You keep talking about it.

Why're you smiling at me? I'm serious.

Don't fucking smile at me. You know
I'll knock you out of this goddamn earth.

What does it taste like?

Like, right when you take your mouth off
and it's like kind of

like you can almost see your reflection
in that fucking cock.

Smack you in the face with it a little bit.

- You don't like that?
- I don't eat...

Just cut. Just like, shiny fucking stiff,
hot vascular mushroom head.

Yeah, yeah.

Look, every guy's got a fantasy
about another guy,

but you got to bury that shit way down.
This is America, God damn it.

There is...
There is a girl that I've been kind of...

All right, I'm listening.
Where'd you meet her?

On the... Online.

What? For fuck's sake, Ian,
don't you watch Dateline?

She's probably a guy. Some fat old dude
who wants to ram you in the tailpipe.

But you'd love that, wouldn't you?
'Cause you're a homo.

Hey, Ian. Try not to come home any gayer
than you are now.

Seriously, though. You're a fag.

Hey, don't look at me like that.
I'll punch you in the goddamn throat.


What's your favorite song?

Maybe we could hum along

Well, I think you're smart,
you sweet thing

Tell me your name,
I'm dying here

Got you where I want you


- Hey, Becca. How are you?
- I'm good. I'm fine. Whatever.

Hey, Becca.
Looks like you had a long, nasty night.

- Ron and Ian want the four-one-uno.
- Whatever. You guys are gross.

- I'm not gross. I didn't say anything.
- Okay, who's going on coupon rounds?

- No, Becca, I did it yesterday.
- Please, Ian.

I love you so much.

Hello. This is a coupon for six free...
No? Okay. Sorry. Donuts? No.

- Six free donuts with the Bandito's Dozen.
- Thanks.

You're welcome. Sorry.

Excuse me. Do you know where the Gap is?

- It's just past the movie theater.
- Thanks, man.

Yeah, real funny.

Free donuts, free coupons.

Felicia. How's it fitting, hon?

Well, you look nice.

You know, sweetie,
there's still time to have your boobs done

before my wedding.

Darren and I already discussed them,
and he said he'd pay for it.

I mean, he's a dentist,
so it's totally not a big deal.

Excuse me, do you have a pair of scissors?

Oh! Sure, sweetie. Do you have a stringie?

Oh, no. I was just hoping
you could slit my wrists for me quickly.

My husband killed himself last Christmas.

I am so sorry. I was just...

Hello. This is a coupon
for six free donuts. Donuts?

Oh, my God! You look so hot in that.

Hey, sweetheart, listen.
Please don't take this the wrong way,

but your whole trying too hard thing,

it's just coming across as needy,
you know?

And I think you're better than that,

- But all I was saying was that...
- Shh! Let's see it in a large. Okay?

I mean, Christ,
I'm out buying him clothes right now.

He's 18 years old.
I don't have to do that shit anymore.

Look, Judy, listen, I'm sorry,
I'm losing you. I'm going into a tunnel.

Well, it's official, Lance,
your mom's still bat-shit crazy.

What? You're telling me
she doesn't shit-talk me?

No, actually, she doesn't. She doesn't, ever.

All right. Let me give you some advice,
Lance, all right?

Don't ever get married.
Just an endless parade of horseshit.

And whatever you do, man,
always wear a rubber. Christ.

Nice. Always classy.

Hey, come on, Lance, I didn't mean it like...
Come on, dawg.

Hey, sir. I've got something yummy
for your little girl.

Oh, my God. Excuse me! Sorry!

- Ian? Oh, my God, dude, what happened?
- I don't know.

Is there a cock and balls
on the front of me again?

- Like a little tree trunk.
- Thank you.

Oh, my God.

- Whoa. You look pretty.
- God, shut up, Ian!

What? I'm just saying,
you usually dress so... You look nice.

Ian, why do you got to work the mouth
when you talk to us?

- Yeah, Ian.
- Sorry, it's a... It's a habit.

Hey, that girl you work with, Becca,
you gonna bring her to my party tonight?

- Yeah, I asked her. She said no.
- Good. Dude, she's totally wrong for you.

That's what you say about everyone.

She made you wear
the fucking costume again, right?

- You know, I don't mind...
- Dude, if you told her to fuck off,

she'd be two knuckles deep right now
daydreaming about your big black cock.

Ian, do not listen to him.

Okay, girls want a nice guy
who's gonna treat them well.

- Really?
- Yes. Really.

Look, all I'm saying is
everybody wants a challenge.

- Everybody wants...
- What they can't get. I know, I got it.

Do you get it? 'Cause I mean, it feels like
I'm teaching you to walk sometimes.

- That shit does not work.
- It works on you.

No, it doesn't.


Balls! I got to go.
Evil cousin's spending the weekend.

- Pretty cousin?
- Ian, she's the anti-Christ.

- She's still super hot.
- Fuck you, too. See you.

So what happened with Becca?

You been doing like I told you,
being a dick?

Yeah, kind of. Being kind of a dick.
I'd say... No, not really.

I mean, you know,
I've sort of been practicing

your whole being-a-dick thing
with this girl I met online.

- And I get it, but I just...
- Thanks.

I don't think I could do that for real.

Dude, sure you can.
I believe in you, you know.

You just got to stop worrying
about being the good guy all the time.

I mean, okay,
look at Andy and Randy over there.

You think they care
what women think about them?

They could give a fuck.

- What's up? What's up?
- What's up, what's up?

Hi. I'm collecting for
the underprivileged children of Ecuador.

- Would you like to help?
- Not really.

- We don't have any money.
- No jobs.

You wanna party?

Um... I'm kind of working right now.

- When are you done?
- Yeah, what are you doing after?

I have a church thing tonight.

- Kick ass, we'll come.
- Yeah, where is it?

Is there gonna be
more hot snatch like you there?

Those guys are total nards.
They never get anywhere.

That's just 'cause they don't know
how to close.

But they're ability to open
is fucking heroic.

- Do you wear thong underpants?
- Do you want us to take our shirts off?

- What color bra are you wearing?
- Is your mom hot, too?

Are you into me?

- Where do you live?
- What color car do you have?

- Where do you live?
- What's your address?

- Do you want us to come over?
- Do you like pizza?

We've been to a motel.

- Fuck off, donut.
- Rex, it's me.

What the fuck is this all about?

I broke the key off of our locker.
I couldn't get my clothes out.

Stow that shit in the trunk.
Christ, you look like a Mexican butt-hole.

You suck.

Becca? Hey.

Wow, I didn't know
that you were coming over.

Cool. I didn't even know
that you knew where I lived. I mean...

- Yeah, I do.
- Yeah.

- So...
- Oh! It's a funny story. I broke...

I broke my key off
and Ron let me borrow the...

Anyway, so this is great.
You changed your mind.

Now, the party, it doesn't start

- for a few hours.
- Actually, I was wondering if Dylan's here.

- Dylan?
- Yeah. Is he here?

- My 14-year-old brother Dylan?
- Yeah.

Nice underpants, Ian.
- Snap! Dang, that was funny.

You know he's 14, right?

Laura, Cindy, this shit is totally gratuitous.
I love it.

- Hey, congrats. Good to see you.
- Hey.

Is this the plan?

Ian, dude, there's like 80 wet chicks here.
Get off your wallflower ass.

- Are you smoking cigars now?
- Yes.

- Hey, Lance. Tight party.
- Okay, rude.

You can see
I'm having a conversation here.

Now, I'll be with you
in a few minutes, okay?

- Thank you.
- We're sorry.

- Don't apologize to her.
- I'm sorry.

Don't apologize to me.

Hey, I'm gonna go see
who Felicia's talking to.

No, dude, forget Felicia, okay?

I know you guys are BFF and all that shit,

but tonight's about getting that dick
a little daylight.

Hey, Lindsay, sweetheart,
where you going?

Come here, we're not done. Get in here.

- You know my boy Ian?
- Yeah. No. I don't know.

- You used to be on my paper route.
- Okay, sure. My mom likes you.

Fucking A your mom likes Ian. Look at him.
He's a big, bright crimson king. Right?

You know what else?

Ian is a bust-ass virgin.

I'm so sorry.

Don't let that deter you from fucking him.

Yeah. No, I'm pretty stoked.
I got into the University of Wisconsin,

and I'm gonna go for veterinary medicine,
'cause that's where...

- Are you gonna go to college?
- University of Boulder.

It's a great party school.

You know, I read that they have
a really great astronomy program.

I don't know if that's
what you're going there for or...

Because it's really high elevation,
and you can see the stars really well...


Wow! A little tip action there.
That's really suggestive.

I'm not saying that
you're gonna do that on my, well...

You can just stick with my finger
if you want 'cause this feels great, so...

You're really good at that.
That's really wet. Two...

Ian! Dude!
- I'm... Could you excuse me for a second?

Hello. Hello?

- Hey!
- Hey! What up?

- What are you doing in there, man?
- What're you doing out here, man?

- I asked you first.
- Nothing.

No, I just... I spilled beer on my shirt,
so then I had to...

- I thought you had, like, a girl in there.
- Yeah, right. I wish.

So, okay.
So, are your parents, like, still going

to Dylan's motor-cross thing this weekend?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They all take off in the morning.

Okay. Awesome.

'Cause my evil cousin is driving me nuts,
so, I don't know,

you think, like, maybe I could hang
at your place this weekend?

Yeah. Yeah, like a sleepover or something.
It'll be fun.

Oh, my God! Thank you so much.
Hey, I have a secret.

- Okay.
- But it's like a girl secret, so...

- Can you handle it? Are you sure? Okay.
- Yeah.

Hey, Dibits, fuck off.

Okay, so I... Oh my God, this is so lame.

- Look at you acting like such a girl.
- I know, I know. Okay, okay. Here it is.

I have a crush on someone, a boy, a guy.

Yeah? Well, who is it?

Come on, you know me better than anyone.
I bet you know who it is.

Come on, guess.


I think I know.

I'm kidding. Oh, God! I got you.
You're so easy. You're so easy!

- You're my best friend.
- I know, and you're my best friend.

That's why it's funny that we would kiss,
because we wouldn't.

So who is it? Who's the lucky caballero?

Um... Nobody.

- Nobody?
- I... I was kidding, too.

- That is funny.
- It's hilarious.

- That is so funny.
- That is so funny.

Oh! I...

- You got...
- Yeah.

- All right. So...
- Hey!



Well, come on, Ian.

You know what? I'm good. I'm just gonna...

Ian, come on, baby. Don't be shy.

No, thanks. It looks like
you got your hands full there, so...

Sure you don't want to
get in on this, bro?

No, thanks, man.

It looks like you fellows
got it all under control.

So I'm just gonna skedaddle.
You all take care now.

Lindsay, say hi to your mom.

All right. See you later, buddy.

Ian. Dude, where you going?


Hey, Goldie, scoot over.

- Hey, babe, you wanna party?
- I'm at a party.

You should pee on us.

Why don't you take a picture, Ian?

Yeah, and post it on
Totalfuckingawesomeness. com.


Where'd you come up with that?

- Hey, can I ask you guys a question?
- You just did.

- Can I ask you another question?
- You just did again.

- What's up? What's up?
- What's up, what's up?

Nice hair. It'll look even better in my crotch.

- Dude, where you going?
- Come on.

What's going on?
Something troubling you? Be a buddy.

- I'm... All right, all right.
- You got to get over the monkey.

Where do you guys get the confidence to,
like, hit on every girl you see?

- 'Cause we're the shit.
- Yeah, you oughts to know that, bitch.

- So where's Felicia?
- Fel-ate-cha. Yeah.

- She's in...
- Fe-lay-cha! You banging her?

We're just friends.

- I'm uncircumcised.
- Yeah.

- I'm into you and I'm hard.
- Yeah.

- Hey, I was born to fertilize.
- Yeah.

- I'm a firefighter.
- Fuck off!

Wait, I thought you took her to prom.

but it was a just-friends kind of thing.

You should bang her. We would.

Dude, we would bang her so hard.

We would take that ass and just...

Yeah, tell her we'll bang her for you
if you're not into it.

Yeah. Hard.

- With our dicks!
- Yeah, our dicks are huge.

You could see them from space!
What's up?

- What's up?
- Hey, do you have a phone number?

You don't. Okay.

I'll call you from nationals.

Say it.
- You're my little donut girl.

- Bye, sexy.
- Yo, Ian.

- You want to smell my finger?
- Yeah, okay.

Are you sure you got the right hole?



Hmm... '69.


Don't puss out. Be cool.

I don't know.

That is a long drive, my sugar biscuit!

Sugar biscuit? God, I suck at this.

Holy buckets.

She wants me to give her the D.

 Well, honey

What ya got, Mr. Mans?

I got a lot of money

I don't see no keys in my hands

I just wanna nasty girl

Now tell me, is that nasty girl you?

Do you like what you see?

Could you be my nasty girl
and let me do that dirty dance with you?

I can love you long time

 I like 'em all in shapes and sizes

And it don't make no difference to me

If you're short, tall, big or small
Long if there ain't no big surprises

Chances are you'll suit me to a T

Love beef.

Terry, phone call.

Dude, weren't you in my gym class?
What is it? Egan?

Yeah, yeah. Hey, Jordan.

Right. Whatever, scrotch.
You can't get your fist pregnant.

Russ, man, check it out.
Yo, look who's buying jimmys.

You want these gift-wrapped, Egan?

Just ring it up, man.

Karen, let me have that for you.

Dad, what did you do with my helmet?

Ian, honey,
I made you some tollhouse cookies.

I'll just leave these here for you.

I'll get them later.

There's $40 in the cow for fun money,

so be safe and sorry I didn't knock.

Anytime. It's your home now.

Oh, dear.

- Dude.
- Hey.

What is going on with you?
You bought rubbers?

- How did you know that?
- It's on Russ Miller's blog.

Jesus! That was, like, 11 minutes ago.

What's the deal? Dude.

She wants me to meet her tonight
at the Big Boy in Knoxville.

This is a fucking written invitation
to your dick from the Internet.

Oh, Jesus.

Seriously, dude, pack your shit.
We're going to Knoxville.

No. Stop it. Put these back.

This is the type of girl who has...

She has it shaved into a landing strip.

I can't deal with a landing strip.

Okay, dude, you don't know that. I mean,
she could have anything under there.

There could be a little Hitler
or just a full, nasty Chewbacca.

But I'm guessing this chick is baby fresh.

You know, she doesn't even want me.
She wants him.

I'm sorry. This is good. This is fine.

I mean, that looks like you. Like the eyes.

Tasty's probably a guy, anyway.

Maybe. But what if she's not?

You know, I mean, look, you've already
opened, and I could help you close.

We just need one thing.

Ian, just look at this.
I mean, you roll up in a '69 GTO,

she's gonna drop an egg right there
in the Big Boy parking lot.

Hey, Ian, come give me a hand with this.

Here. Strap that end down. Tight.

- The cord's too short.
- Put a little sack into it, powder puff.

- All right. Thanks, little brother.
- Yeah.

- Hey, Ian.
- Yeah.

Did I hear something
about you wanting to borrow my car?

No, no, it's fine. Thanks. Thank you.

You sure?

You're my little brother, Ian.
All you gotta do is ask.


Could I use The Judge this weekend?

Fuck-stick, I wouldn't let you drive
The Judge if it was parked on my shnuts.

Let's go, Dad.
- What a dick.

You should take his car just on principle.

What do you want me to do, you know?

I mean, I doubt I can hot-wire it,
since I don't even know what that means.

What are you doing?

No. Lance, no! Put it back.
Did you just hear him? Please.

Come here, we're gonna have a talk.

She's only nine short hours away, okay?

We're gonna head down there tonight
and you're gonna put a dent in that shit.

Ian's gonna treat it like it's meat
that needs tenderizing.

With his dick instead of a hammer.

You can pound it till it bleeds.

Yeah, it's just a fucking girl's mess,
and then we're gonna be...

- What're you doing?
- Still rolling.

Who's gonna pound on it? Say it.
Ian's gonna pound on it.

We're back tomorrow
before Rex even knows the car is gone.

Now, listen, these girls at Madison are
gonna be fucking at a college level.

I need you ready for that.

Wait! Put it... Put it back.

Back here.

For God's sake. You two rump rangers
couldn't wait five minutes?


- Shit!
- Fuck!

I told her she could stay here this weekend.

Dude, what the hell?
Why are you driving Rex's car?

I thought me and...

- Are you bitching out on me?
- No.

- No.
- No.

Good. Well, then where are we going?

Um... Knoxville, Tennessee.

Okay. I'm gonna go tell my mom.

Okay. Are you gonna... Awesome.

Dude, what the fuck?

- I don't want her along.
- Really?

You don't want to bring Yoko
on your sex trip?

Yeah, no shit.
She's always cock-blocking you.

No, she isn't. She doesn't even have a...

Okay, twat blocking.


When will you
be coming back?

No, tomorrow.

- No. Bye! God.

You guys
drive safe now. Bye!

So, what's in Tennessee?

My grandma has got some cancer.

- Grammy K?
- She's fine.

She's gonna live forever. Well, a long time.

It's, you know... I mean, what is it called?

- It's foot cancer.
- She's got a little foot cancer.

She'll be hopping around in no time.

So what's she doing in Tennessee?

Oh! Um... Well, there's this kick-ass
cancer center there.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, it's like... It's famous.

- Yeah.
- So if you ever get any cancer,

you should totally check it out.

I would.

So you want I-80 East and then
65 goes all the way through Indiana.

- So how's it feel?
- What?

I don't know, breaking the rules,
talking some shit, driving The Judge?

It feels pretty good.

 I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw

I'm in the prime of my life

Let's make some music, make some money
Find some models for wives

This is our decision
To live fast and die young

We've got the vision
Now let's have some fun

I said, yeah, yeah, yeah

This dude wants to race.

Let's go, ladies.

Lance! Cut it out!
Come on, you don't know who's in there.

Dude, I don't care if fucking Steve
McQueen's zombie corpse is in that car.

I refuse to be embarrassed by a car
that looks like a Trapper Keeper.

I am not racing in my brother's car.

Holy shit.

What the hell is that?

Looks like a Nachos BellGrande.

And a chalupa!

Medium Coke!

Go right!

Turn the wipers on!
- They are on.

They're not working!

Please, don't yell at me.
I'm doing the best I can.

- Winnebago!
- Where?

Winnebago! Winnebago!

Oh, my God, are you all right?

Yeah, nobody offer to help.
I got this under control.

- Are you all right?
- Do I look like I'm all right? Fuck!

You know what might make you feel better?
Putting 40 on pump two.

Hey. You okay in there?

God damn! My back teeth are snorkeling.

Sweet relief.

You got the shy bladder?

- Yeah.
- Damn.

Paruresis. That's what they call it.

Let me tell you something.
I didn't catch your name.

It's Ian.

Let me tell you something, Ian.
I had it something fierce.

You can do it, Ian. You can do it.

Go running down by your sister.

Excuse me, ma'am, that was my pump.

Yeah? You move your meat,
you lose your seat. Hmm.

Logan, do not eat that.
You will fuck up your appetite!


Listen, Reba.

If you value the rest of your teeth,
you will shut off that pump.

So I tells my daddy, "You know what?
You're not the boss of me.

"Not you, not Angie,"
that's that girl I was telling you about.

"And sure as hell not this bladder of mine."

Well, he looked at me,
and you should have...

Ian. Where you going? Don't give up.

Jesus. I've been pissing for an hour.

- Another one for the collection.
- Cool. Thanks.


It's okay, Brandy. It's okay, baby, don't cry.

Lance, what are you doing?

Dude, you should be ashamed of yourself,

because I'm just trying to show
another human being a little compassion.

And my dick.

It's okay, baby. Just let those tears fall.

You know why?
'Cause our love will dry them up.

Love will keep us alive. Just like that song.
You know that song?

That's our song now.
That song represents our bond.

Don Henley's words represent our love.

What have you got?

Hey, kid, where you from?

- I'm from Chicago, I mean, outside Chicago.
- Are you two married. No?

- No, we're just friends. We're amigos.
- You make a good couple.

She's pretty. Marry that girl.

See my lady and I here,
we've been married forever.

And I tell you she was gorgeous.

The first day I saw her,
I said, "This is gonna be my wife."

And you know what? It happened.

I tell you,
that was a very good year for corn.

Made lots of money.

I fixed my 4X4 and bought my lady
a sexy French lingerie.

Boy, those were the best six bucks
I ever spent.

You kids want to help yourself
to a can of Purple?

- Purple sounds great, Ian. Purple?
- Yeah, I can go...

Say, the boys still hanging?

- You ever had a peppermint fatty?
- No. Let's have that.

See how that shoe fits.

Oh my God. Do you have a degree in this?

You know that thing,
when runners say they break the wall?

You know, and it's all good after that?

I feel like that
when my dick's in your mouth.

It actually says Purple Soda.

Bad boy.

You like him, don't you?

- What? Who?
- Lance. I mean, he's the crush, right?

Oh, yeah! I like Lance, 'cause he's so hot.

I wanna have his baby, he's... Whatever.

- Uh-oh!

Brandy! Shit.

- Howdy.
- Howdy.

Mr. McBroom. Ma'am.
Where the fuck's Brandy at?

- You ever hear of a rolling brown-out?
- No. Let's try it.

You bleach that.

Wait. No, no, no, no! Nothing brown!
Nothing brown! Nothing brown!

What're you gonna do? Hit a girl?

No, but I'm gonna
pummel his ass real good.

There you go. There you go.


I have to go to church.

Come on, baby! Open the goddamn door!

All right, this is not what it looks like.
It was a project for school.

Purple Soda!



There you are.

Come on, come on.
I do not want to die naked.

Fuck you! Motherfucking son of a bitch!

Get on your feet, you motherfucking pussy!

I'm gonna ask you this just one time.
Did she give you the nugget?

Hey, hold on!

Come on, man, she's not worth it.

She's just gonna shit all over you.
Trust me.

- She touch your butthole?
- No, no. Jesus, no!

- Let's see!
- I thought she was a man. I'm gay.

I'm gay as hell.

Eat bat, dickhead!

Holy shit!

Ian just killed that guy.

Sir? Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
Are you all right?

Look, I have my insurance card.
I'm sorry. We're from out of town.

I couldn't see you through the corn.
I'm sorry.

Where the hell's the road?
- It feels like left.

I told you we didn't have time for this,

- but all you care about is your stupid dick.
- Ian.

And you leave us out there
with her mom's weird soda.

- Ian.
- And her dad's balls in plain view...

Ian, Ian, whip a shitty!


Holy fucking shit! That's how you do that!

Oh, my God, Ian, amazing driving.
Lance, you suck!

Where the hell are we?
- Where are the Google maps?

- They're in my pants.
- Which are?

In the trailer.

Mmm-hmm. Great.

Shit. I got gum in my bush.

Hey, pick this guy up. Maybe he can
show us back to the highway.

- Ian, do not pick up a hitchhiker.
- Don't worry, I won't.

No, no, no.

Oh, my God.

Hey! Thanks for the lift, man.
I've been out there for hours.

Not one car. Can you believe it?

- Listen, sir, we didn't...
- You're good people.

- Guy, you're not wearing any pants.
- Yeah, I know.

Right on.

Let's go. We better go.

Hey, you got my stuff.

Hey, real quick, guys,
what's the story of the girl?

- I'm 25 years old.
- I don't know what he's talking about.

I got nothing. There's no bars.
You know, it probably just needs water.

Got any in the trunk?

Hey, sweetheart, men are talking.
We got this one.

Yeah, thanks,
but this happened to my brother's car once

- and you just piss in the radiator.
- Really?


Oh, God! Damn it!

- Are you okay?
- Fuck. Yeah.

That's a lesson learned.

You can watch,
if you're into that kind of thing.

Wow, thanks, but I think we've all seen
your dick enough for one day.

Do you hear that? There's a ringing.
- Your loss. It's like razor blades.

What? There's ants down here. FYI.

All right, you're up. Grip it and rip it.

Okay. Go away.

Dude, seriously? Still?
I thought you got over this shit.

You're a grown man.

Flowing river, gentle stream.
Flowing river, gentle stream.

- Yo, stage fright, how're we doing?
- Damn it, Lance, just give me a minute.

Excuse me.
We kind of need you to pee in the radiator.

- Why?
- We just do.

I'm sorry. I just took a squirt
a couple of minutes ago.

You want me to shit in it?

- We'll get back to you on that one.
- All right.

- I'm telling you, I could shit right now.
- Awesome.

Our new friend's got nothing left
in the tank.


No. Guys, come on.
I don't have the aim that you do.

Every drop helps so much.

Hey, look what I found in my bag.

Thank God.

- No!
- What the fuck are you doing?

You all just wait 20 minutes
and I'll top it off for you.

Could be ten.

Fine, fine. Okay.
But if any of you pervs peek,

I swear to God it will be
your last conscious act.


You kids need some help?


Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm great.
I just beaved a family of four.

Try it.

All set?

Look, I'm sorry, sir,
but we can't give you a ride.

I'm gonna say this once.

You unlock this fucking car,
or God is my witness,

I'll stake you all to the ground,

cut you open and let the dogs get at you.

Oh, yeah?


Shit, shit, shit, shit.

What happened?
- It's stuck.


That didn't work out like you planned,
did it?

You know what? Mostly I'm disappointed.
It shows zero character.

I know, I'm sorry.

And you're a dick.

You're a dick. You know what, ma'am?
You're a dick, too.

- Here's that pee you ordered.
- Roll them up.

- There you go, Tex.
- You're soaked with pee.

Quick car wash?

- God!
- Gross.

It smells like beef jerky. You know?

It's just got like that sour sweetness.

How can nobody go down a road
for an hour and a half?

Why did they even make this stupid road?

It's so hot out here.


Oh, my God, your head.
Wait... Does it hurt? Let me see.

Yes. It hurts.

- What is that?
- Oh, my God.


That is so beautiful.

Need some help?

- Yeah, but no offense...
- Right, 'cause I'm Amish,

so I wouldn't know anything
about your '69 GTO Judge.

455 Big Block, Ram Air. 4-11 posi,
something like that.

Weird, that thing must have fallen
straight from space.

Well, good luck with the future ride,

Hey, dude, wait up. Hold on.



What are you doing? Whoa, whoa.
No, no, no. Leesh, that's a bad idea.

- What?
- Come on.

You don't know how far we have to walk.
Those are your only pair of shoes.

You know what? You're probably right.
God, you're so sensible.

But maybe I should? Or maybe I shouldn't?

I should.

I can't believe you just did that.

So he met this chick on the Internet,
which is sketchy.

The Internet?

Yeah, it's like a series of computers
that are connected through...


A computer is like a big calculator,
you know, with the screen.

I'm just busting your balls, man.
I know what the Internet is.

- Okay.
- You ever heard of Rumspringa?

Yeah, that ska band from Delaware.

No, it means "run wild." It's an Amish
tradition where when we turn 16,

we can go live like you heathens
for a while.

You go nuts, party for months or years
till your folks start hassling you,

and then it's back to the Stone Age.

But if you're on Rumspringa,
what's with the buggy?

Oh, no. I'm not. Not anymore.

I probably shouldn't even be
talking to you but...

I'm a little bit of an Amish floutlaw.

- Sometimes I just miss the world.
- What do you miss the most?

You know, I miss sarcasm.
It's mostly lost on my people.


And gambling. Went to Vegas once.
And buttfucking.

Have a lot of nice memories there.

I hear that.
- Oh, yeah.


Wait, are we talking about dudes?

- No.
- Okay. Then yeah.

I mean, unless that's what you're into,
and then, whatever.

- It's not.
- No?


- Not into dudes.
- No, no, no, no, no.

- How old are you?
- Old enough.

How old are you?

This is gonna happen.

It's gonna happen
whether you fight it or not.

So I kind of want you to fight it.


- All right. Now you.
- No way. Forget it.

Dude, you never do anything crazy. Ever.

Hey! I'm driving halfway across the country
to go to...

To visit your grandma? Whoa!

So anyway, we're there and she's like...

Oh, yeah.

Like, she won't stop crying.

- That's the funniest thing, too.
- I know.

I know, I was with this stripper in Vegas,
and I was like, "you want this?"

So she's like, "Yeah, I want it, I want it."

And I was like,
yeah, this gets hotter by the second.

"What're you crying about?" She's like,
"...wanted to be a doctor."

And I'm like,
"Yeah, you're a fucking Ph.D. of cock."

- Yeah.
- Yeah, exactly.

And then coercing my load
out on to the crying face.

Vegas in general is just... Good times.

You can get a blowjob for $10.

Or for free if you meet the right girl
and tell her "I'm on Rumspringa."

"What is this blowjob that you speak of?"

"Your techno music beguiles me."

Let me put it in your butt.

You know, when you cut your foot on
a piece of glass,

- don't think I'm gonna carry you.
- You know what? I will be fine. Okay?

- I was born barefoot.
- Hey! Wait!

Hey! Stop!

Have a nice walk, shit-birds.


Hey, Ian, Felicia, this is my boy, Ezekiel.

What up, English?

There's no service out here.

- I can't even tell her I'll be late.
- Good. That's perfect. Keep her waiting.

You don't want to come off as desperate.

I'm driving nine hours.
How am I not coming off desperate?

- We had shit to do.
- Uh-oh! See that creamy stuff?

You blew your head gasket.
That's not good.

- Shit.
- Don't cry. We can fix it.

- Really?
- Yeah, really. We're good at it.

- Yeah?
- Yeah. I didn't mean to undersell it,

but it's an impressive thing.

- Yeah. We'll fix it.
- Wow, that'd be cool.

Yeah, would be cool, wouldn't it?
I might be the coolest guy you ever met.

- Wow.
- Wow.

- Thank you.
- Yeah. You're welcome.

That's what you say
when people do nice things for you.

You know, there's a pretty big shindig
shaping up next door

if you guys want to hang there
while we work on it.

Take it easy while we do all this for you.

- Does he have an attitude?
- No, he's fucking with you.


Just relax, man.
I got a good feeling about this, you know.

You're gonna party with the Amish.

Yeah, I'm sure it's gonna be
one kick-ass quilting bee.

What's up, man?

- Hey.
- No f-ing way!

When I'm home alone
I just can't stop myself

- This is insane!
- I know.

Signing off, " I'm all right in bed,
but I'm better with a pen"

I'm all right in bed, but I'm better with a pen

I'm all right in bed, but I'm better with a pen

The kid was all right, but it went to his head

Thank you, guys, very, very, very much.
You guys fucking rule, man.

Dude. Don't even bother.
Your game is not gonna work on that girl.

What do you know about girls?
I've never even seen you with a girl.

I'm gonna go check on the car.

Yeah, fuck it. Let's dance.

- Bite me. I'm not your consolation prize.
- Come on. Don't be hating.


So at this point,
her panties are off,

but I'm still apprehensive
about her husband being there,

'cause he is just staring at me.

Whoa! Hey, what is this?
Why are the seats out?

Ian, do you know anything
about fixing these old Pontiacs?

I don't care, okay?
Ezekiel, take all the pieces and just

- put them back in there. I don't want...
- Ian, you've gotta calm down.

Do you know any breathing exercises?

Because you are right on the verge
of a freak-out.

You don't know my brother, okay?
He's gonna fuck my ass with a roll of quarters.

What? He's gonna what? With what?

Oh, yeah! He's gonna go get off work early,
and he's gonna walk into the bank,

stand in line, change a 10,

find my ass and just fuck it
with a roll of fucking quarters.

Yeah, witness sucks!

We've got to get that guy laid tonight.

Is your sister still a slut?

Check it out. It's totally working.

You're the best wing-man ever.

She's in, she's in. Watch this.

Rumspringa! Whoo!

- I took a wicked digger.
- Yes, you did.

I think you may have had a little too much
to drink. Maybe you should...

Maybe you should shut your face hole
'cause I've only had one beer ever.

- First day of Rumspringa?
- Rumspringa!

- Uh-oh!
- Oh!


- All right. Okay. You good? All right.
- Aw! You guys are so nice.

Don't let her step in it.

I love you guys 'cause you're awesome.

'Cause you're awesome.

Let's just find a safe place to sleep it off.

What? What's wrong with you?

- Yeah, what's your problem, bitch?
- Nothing. I'm fine.

Nothing. She's fine. God, lay off.

- It's Lance, right?
- No.

I'll bet he's in there with that Amish girl
and you're out here.


Come on, Leesh, just drop
the hard-ass thing for two minutes.

You know. It's okay. You're into Lance.

- God, I'm such an idiot.
- Look, there's something about Lance.

Everybody likes Lance. I like Lance.

Just promise me
you won't ever be like Lance.

What is wrong with us?
Let's go have some fun. Come on.

- No. No.
- No?

Come on, we're young, and we're Amish,
and it's Rumspringa.


Ian, you little cock-sucker!


Leesh, you're so stubborn.
Look at your feet.

They are fine. All right?

Hey. What's the plan?

I might as well find a phone and call Rex

- so he can get on with killing me.
- What about visiting your grandma?

Yeah, dude. You been putting off
visiting your grandma for too long.

- It's about time you visited Grandma.
- Yeah.

Lance, you know,
I really do want to visit my grandma, but...

Dude, I really can't stress enough how
much you're gonna enjoy visiting Grandma.

You know, I visit my grandma sometimes
two or three times a week,

and it is always a pleasure.
She's just a delight.

What am I supposed to do?

Our transportation is all over the floor
of that barn.

Hey, Mary!


Wow, you look beautiful.

Oh, please.

I mean, seriously, you wearing that,
churning some butter. Sexy.

So I had the best time with you last night.

Yeah, me, too.

So you got my number.
You're gonna call me, right?


"No." You're funny.

I mean, Lance, I really like you,
but Rumspringa's over for me.

- So...
- Rumspringa!


You fixed it?

Yeah, we hit a few snags,
but she's banging like a champ now.

Man, I don't even...
I don't even know what to say here.

You know, I don't really have much...

Oh, no, we're good. We're good.

I mean, the opportunity to help a neighbor,
that's a gift.

Man, you're too... Here, thanks.
Thank you so much.

- You're welcome.
- Thank you, it's really cool.

It is. You know, I mean,

if you felt the need to reciprocate
in some way,

I mean, there's a lot of chores
that need to be done around here.

Yeah, no, the only thing about that is
we're kind of behind schedule right now.

Yeah, but, I mean,
we could totally come back.

- We could hit you on our way back through.
- Okay.

Yeah, you should.
You should really get on the road.

I mean, you got a smooth-running
vehicle now, you know, 'cause we fixed it.

- Yeah. No, but it's... So we're good?
- We're good. Yeah, technically.

I mean, we fixed your car for free,
and you're leaving.

So I'd say that makes us dead square.

We'll come back. I promise.

- I'm looking forward to that.
- Hey, no, seriously, we will.

Okay. We'll all hold our breath
till you get back.

On three, guys. Three, two...

My stomach's killing me.
Tell me if you see a rest stop.

You know, I really feel sorry for Mary

because her lifestyle is keeping her
from being happy.

And that's no way to live.

Lance, don't you know your little theory of
"People want what they can't get."

That's all she is. Ian, gas station.

No. Felicia, this is different okay,
because she changed me.

You know, I'm a butterfly now
because of her.

Because when I'm with her,
I was like a spiritually whole human being.

And if you don't believe that,
you can suck my dick.

Fuck. I know you didn't take my car, Ian.

'Cause you're a big, giant pussy.
That's right.

I'm gonna lift up this door
and my big fucking glorious bitchy Judge

is gonna be sitting right there
gleaming at me,

or I'm gonna have the fucking
neighborhood squirrels eat your asshole.

Want some of this?

He took my fucking baby.



Hey, Knievel, what say you get
your bike out of the fricking road?

 Hey! Hey!

All ocupado, sport?

Sounds like
someone's got one in sideways.


Well, looks like we're up.
Go on, get in there.


Am I getting a signal?

Tasty, I got sidetracked last night.

I had to party with some new homies.

Tonight, 8:00 p.m. at Big Boy.

I'm worth the wait.


No! Oh, God! No, thank you! No, thank you!

Hello? Little buddy? Hello.

Spooner. Spooner. Spooner.

Was that you screaming in there?
- I don't want to talk about it. Ever.

- Where's Felicia?
- She went to get corn dogs.

Can you believe
the girls around here, man?

But, man, where am I ever gonna find
another girl as cool as Mary?

You like it?

- What about Felicia?
- What about her?

- She's into you.
- Yeah, no shit. Get in line.

What is that?
She's not good enough for you?

Felicia's awesome,

but the obvious statement to make here
is that you like her.

- What? No, I...
- You're shocked. You can't believe it.

- This bombshell. Come on.
- You know, she's not into me anyways.

Yeah, I know. But it doesn't matter.
I still... I could never do that to you.

Okay, but you do know
that she's not into you, right?

- Yeah. Well, maybe you don't know.
- No. No, no, I'm gonna stop you.

There's no maybe. Okay?
And I'm saying this as your best friend,

but never. Never fucking ever. You know?

Because you guys are friends.

You know what every girl
I've ever banged had in common?

I wasn't friends with any of them.

And usually they have awesome tits,
but not always.

Sometimes you get that bronze medal,
you know?

Real simple.
Climb the rope, hit the bell, win a prize.

Hey, there, Bilbo Baggins,
there's no height requirement.

Why don't you step up
and win your girlfriend a prize?

We're not... She's not my girlfriend.

- What about your other girlfriend there?
- Nice.

All right, come on, Ian. You can do it.

Come on, you're almost there!
You're almost there! Go, go, go!

Winner! Winner! Winner!

- That was awesome.
- How the hell did you do that?

We had one of these at Cub Scout camp.
I kind of mastered it.

Yeah, you think you're hot shit?

- Lolly?
- Thank you.

Hey, hey, hey, ass.

Hey. What's your secret?

You just...
If you keep your shoulders down...

- No coaching.
- What?

No coaching there, Lombardi.
Read the sign.

No coaching.

Cheese and rice!


- Thanks. I'm Sandy.
- I'm Ian.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- Consolation prize?
- Wow! Thank you so much.

You know, my dance team's performing
over at the tent in a couple of minutes.

You guys should come watch.

- Actually, we were just about to go.
- That sounds super fun. He'll be there.

Great. See you.

Dude, that girl reeks of sex.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Hey, Harry Potter,
take you and your girlfriends out of here.

What are you looking at, Ellen DeGeneres?
I will crush you.

That's right. I'm not afraid to hit a lady.

Everybody's talking all this stuff about me

Why don't they just let me live?

I don't need permission

- Do we really have time for...
- Hey, hey.

You have to stop doing that to him.

- Doing what?
- Twat blocking.

I'm not twat... Doing that.

Yeah! Let's give it up for the AX Dancers!

Come on, girls,
let's help me get some fellas up in here.

- Ian.
- Oh, no. Please.

Get up there. Come on.

Come on!

In the back! In the back!


Come on, two more, two more!


Dude, turn around.

Look at this fine crop
of handsome fellas I got here.

But before we get down to business,

there's a young woman here

who would like to share her story
with these young men.

- Kristy, you ready, baby?
- Okay.

So, last year I was at a dance
with my boyfriend.

He wanted to go to his car.

So I did.

So we were both naked in the back seat
and we started having oral...


Daddy likes that!

Excuse me!

Excuse me!
Is this tragic story turning you on?

This courageous young lady pours
her heart out and this is getting you hot?

It's time for you to pledge. Right now!

Boy, you need this more than anybody.

Hey, keep a wrinkle in it, captain.

I can't believe you took
a fucking abstinence pledge with a hard-on.

It's classic.

Look, I didn't even know what she was
talking about. That doesn't count! Okay?

- Ian! Hey!
- It gets better.

I am so proud of you!

Get away from me. Is that what you do?

You go out and you lure little dorks like me
into your little no-having-sex club?

Ian, it's not like that at all.

Just go away. Now.

- I would've eaten your asshole, you know.
- Really?

- Oh, man.
- Wow.

You can keep your stupid
flipping lollipop, anyway!

- You are dead, psycho-virgin!
- No, no!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, are you sure you want to get
dental work done in Floater, Kentucky?

Dr. Teddescoe will be with you present-like.

- Thank you.
- Welcome.

Fine, okay, you were right.
My feet are killing me,

and I never should've tossed my shoes.

No, come on.
I love that your shoes are in that tree.

I do. That's premium Felicia.

Felicia Alpine.


- So what'd you do to her?
- Hmm?

Smack her around a little bit?

She gets out of line, you pop her one?

- No. No, sir, I...
- I got you. I'm just teasing you, man.

We have fun.

- He didn't, though, did he?
- Hmm? Mmm-mmm.

Blink twice if you feel you're in danger.

Be back in a couple minutes.
I'm gonna wait for that to numb up.


Hands to yourself, O.J.

Ian, you know the other night
at Lance's party?

- Was I there?
- No, come on.


I mean, you know the only reason is
because I don't want to ruin our friendship.

Totally, I mean friendship is awesome.
Good call.

I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost you.

- You won't.
- What are you thinking about?

- What are you thinking about?
- I asked you first.

You got a little loogie.

I'm gonna go see if Lance...


Go. Go.

Um, I'll take these as well.

They're not for me. They're not.

- Heads up.
- What's with you?

I'm thinking maybe we head back home.

What? Why?

Well, Felicia and I were talking in there,

- and we kind of had a moment.
- Oh! Oh, did you guys have a little moment?

- Yeah.
- You're a moron.

Fuck you. We've talked about this.

Look, we're almost there,
and I'm not letting her do this.

We're going to Knoxville,
and you're getting your nut.

No, I'm not. I'm not.

No, I'm gonna text Tasty,
and I'm gonna tell her I'm not coming.

- Ian, get in this car.
- I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it.

Shit, where's my phone?
Hey, you got a new smile.

You have my phone. I didn't know...
This is for you.

Mmm! A message came in.

Your grandma says she's really excited
to see you.

And something about her hot,
shaved pussy.

Must be the cancer talking.

All right. Good deal.
We're going to Knoxville.

All I've got is frustration, frustration

I hate this vacation

So, give up, give up
Give up, give up

I've got to get away from here
It's killing me just thinking 'bout

Frustration, frustration
I hate this vacation...

Ian, you're going the wrong way.

- We're going home.
- What?

Please, do not turn around
because of me. Okay.

- Yeah, no shit.
- I'm dying to see Ms. Tasty.

This is going to be hilarious.

A hundred bucks says she has a wiener.

Look, I said we're going home.
I don't want to talk about it.

I knew you'd find some way
to fuck this up for him.

Me? You two are fucking scheming
behind my back.

- No, we're not.
- Okay. You stole Rex's car.

You drove halfway across the country.

This must be what you want to do.
So do it, chicken shit!

- Fucking A, chicken shit.
- Fine! You know what?

I'll turn the car around, I'll flip a bitch,
and I'll go pork somebody. Right now.

I'll be that guy. Is that what you want?

- Be that guy! That guy rules.
- Sounds awesome.

- That would make me so happy.
- All right. All right. Fantastic! I'm doing it.

Watch out, Ian! Fuck!
- Watch it, Ian!


You like that?
- Did your fucking balls just drop?

Holy shit, Ian.

- Oh, man, it's this douche again.
- You want it? You got it.

- Hold on to your pantyhose.
- Okay, we gotta work on your banter,

but otherwise, this is awesome.

- You're losing him.
- No, I got him. I got him.

- Jesus, Ian! Not so close.
- God damn it!

No way, man! You're dead.

Sorry. He's all right.

This guy's fucking dangerous!

Where is he? Talk to me, dudes.

Right up our ass. He's in our ass.

He's tagging out.
- Ladies!

Ian, look out!

Oh! Oh!

God damn it.

What were you doing, man? Shit.

Dude, take it easy. This wasn't your fault.
He jumped right in front of you.

Just shut up, Lance. Of course it's my fault.

Now, come on, man,
this possum's not gonna fuck you.

We gotta go find Ms. Tasty.

He's suffering, Lance. I'm not gonna
leave him here by himself. Okay?

Okay. You're right.

We gotta help him.
We gotta call a vet or something.

Ian, look at him.
There's not a lot that we can do.

You may want to cover your eyes,
sweetheart, there could be some splatter.

- What the fuck are you doing?
- I'm gonna take him out of his misery.

They don't make little wheelchairs for him.
He's done, man.

Fuck you, Lance.
God, you don't even give a shit about him.

I'll do it.

I'm sorry.

All possums go to heaven.

Uh... Ian. It... I think it's still...


Oh, no.

Ian, I'm so sorry, it's...

Oh, God! Jesus fucking... God damn it!
I'm trying to do the right thing here.

- He's really hanging in there.
- God! Fuck!

You know, Jamie Lynn Spears' baby
has got to be about a year old now.

I can't believe she had a fucking baby.

How was I supposed to know
it was an endangered possum?

You know, the vet said there's actually
a good chance he might pull through.

You better hope so, mister. Get in.

Lock up cell B.

We are in jail.

Okay, listen, you have got to be cool,
'cause if they see you shitting yourself

they're gonna fuck with us.

Hey! Hey, ladies.

Hey, how about you sit the fuck back down
before me and you have a problem?

How about you just chill out, man?
Be cool.

- All right. We good?
- Yeah, we're good.

- Excuse me.
- Listen, old man, I'm only gonna tell you...

You should've seen the look in his eyes.

His heart was breaking
for this poor little thing.

Shit, that boy Ian don't seem
like he got no balls at all.

Why? 'Cause he got to fussing some
over a suffering critter?

I think that's real sweet.

Well, I say this Lance,
he sounds like a real hunk of man.

The only way you can keep his kind around
is to get his babies up in you pronto.

But he got no respect for bitches.

Shathayd's right. No respect for bitches.
None whatsoever.

You love Ian, don't you, baby?

Well, it's just we've been best friends
since we were really little,

and I don't know, he's the only person
I can really talk to, you know?

You give your heart to that boy,

and you can toss that "friendship" right out
the motherfucking window.

When I was a girl, my best friend was
a fella named Creighton McDaniel.

We used to stay up all night just talking
and laughing and carrying on.

Then one day I got it into my head
that we ought to be more than friends.

So I tell him I love him.

What happened?

We dated for a few weeks.

Then he met a gal over in Wofford.

We still talk from time to time.

But it was never the same between us.

Baby. Come here.
Come on, now. Come on, now.

You know you need a hug.
Come on, honey.

Cuddle up.


- What?
- Look, you're pissing in front of everybody.

Yeah, I am.

- And that guy's looking right at your dick.
- Atta-boy.

- Look at you. You're a new man.
- No, I'm not.

Dude. You stole a car, ran over a hillbilly,

you got arrested, you got in a prison fight.

See Duane, he was there.

And I mean, you really beat
an endangered species to death today.

That's got to count for something.

And now you're in here in jail pissing
like a big dog in front of all the perverts.

I mean, there's only one thing left.

Yeah, well, that's out.
I was supposed to meet her two hours ago.

Dude, when we get out of here,
just tell her you got pinched.

She'll think that's bad-ass,
because it totally is.

Lafferty, Nesbitt, your bail has been posted.


- Time to go.
- Shit!

- What?
- Rex.


All right, this is it for us, Duane,

but, you know, back to what we were
talking about earlier,

I don't give a shit what Denise says,

I think there's still room for somebody
to write the great American novel.

So take that for whatever it's worth, buddy.



Wait. Wait. How did you find me?

Well, I called your cell phone,
and then someone answered here.

- That's awesome. Okay.
- Are you okay? Why are you in jail?

I mean, there's a number of charges,

but the most prominent ones
were animal cruelty

and the assaulting the officer.

But it's not nearly as bad
as it sounds on paper, okay? I promise.

- Okay.
- Okay. Wait right here. Okay.

- Teddy.
- Lance, my man.

- You guys got my stuff?
- It's gonna be a few minutes.

All right.

- Your daughter still selling those cookies?
- Yes.

You find me that wallet, I'll buy one.

- That'd be nice of you.
- How is she now?

I'm just fucking with you.
I don't need one more charge brought.

 You can't know, oh, no
You can't know

How much I think about you, no

It's making my head spin

Looking at you
And you are looking at me

And we both know what we want

So close to giving in

Ian, don't do this. No,
don't turn into Lance. You're a good guy.

Yeah, well, that's why I'm still a virgin.

So what if you're a virgin?
God, Ian, it's just sex. It's not...

No, Felicia, it's not about the sex.
It's not. I'm weird.

I'm the only virgin I know.
I need to get this done

so everyone can just stop
freaking out about it.

Look, I know you don't approve,
but I'm sorry, I just...

I'm not going home a virgin.

Then, sport, fuck me.


Sport, fuck me and not some stranger.

We're friends so you know
you're not gonna get some, like,

crabs or genital warts
or some pussing thing that's coming...

Wow, Leesh. That's hot!

You know what?

I think I'd rather stay a virgin forever
than lose it on pity-sex.

- I'm not talking about pity-sex.
- Then what are you talking about?

I don't know. Sex.

It doesn't have to mean anything.
It doesn't have to jeopardize our friendship.


Leesh, you know what?
Fuck the friendship!

I'm sorry, I just can't do it.

I can't be the guy that you're gonna talk to
about your boyfriends anymore. I can't...

I can't be the guy who's gonna pick you up
in the middle of the night,

and you're gonna cry to because
Derrick Dicottes found some other girl.

And maybe I'm just being selfish here,
but it is not enough.

Okay, so I'm gonna go out that door,
and I'm gonna go have meaningless sex

with some random, hopefully hot, hopefully
female person that I met on the Internet.

Unless you've got something better
to say to me.

That's what I thought.


- How'd you find me?
- You ever heard of LoJack, cheese-dick?

Come here.

 Burn that mother down, y'all

Burn, baby, burn

Disco inferno

Burn, baby, burn

Burn that mother down

Come on, Rex, wait. The girl...
The one I told you about from the Internet.

She's right across the street, Rex.
She wants to do it with me and everything.

Like I give a shit!

Get your shit, queer-bait!
We're going home.

Okay. Okay, fine.


It probably wouldn't have changed

all these feelings
that I've been having lately anyway.

What are you talking about?

I don't know, Rex. You know, just feelings,

curiosity about men.

Oh, shit, Ian!

I think you might be right.
I think I might be getting gay.

God damn it. Fuck!

But I just haven't had
any luck with girls, Rex.

No way! No way my little brother's
taking it in the chili ring.

All right, you take the car,

and you go bang the female woman
like the good Lord intended.

You've got one hour!

- Ian.
- Yeah?

Fill up the tank, would you, buddy?

- Tank is at a little low. Yeah, thanks.
- Right.

Hey, man. You looking for somebody?

Ms. Tasty.


Oh, my gosh! Hey.

I was sure you were standing me up.

- But here you are. Look at you.
- See you.

You look a little different than your picture.

Yeah, I know. I lost a lot of weight
'cause I had the runs... The flu.

Well, you're mighty cute,
and your car is really pretty.

Why don't you take me for a ride?

So, Ms. Tasty, what's your real name?

- How about I tell you after?
- Yeah, sure.

Works for me.

... below the ocean
Where I wanna be

She may be

Way down below the ocean...

- No, Mary, wait.
- What?

- What's wrong?
- Nothing. I mean...

Nothing, I just... I really like you,

and I don't want to ruin this. You know?

But, hey, maybe you could come
to Chicago and we could hang out

- and take it a little...
- No.

Lance, it doesn't work like that.

And, I mean, if I don't go back,
I'm gonna be shunned.

I could never see my family again.

- This Amish thing is a real motherfucker.
- Yeah, tell me about it.

- Ian.
- Yeah.

I think we should take our clothes off.

Wow. Really? Right here?


No one's around for miles. Come on.


- What do you think?
- Thank you.

That is one of the better sets
that I've seen today.

I appreciate your honesty.

They're nice.


You're fit.

- You're so sweet.
- Yeah.

I think we should
take your clothes off now.

Yeah, maybe we should.

- I don't play football!
- Okay.

I... I really don't.
I mean, I don't really even watch football.

I mean, I got all that stuff
from Friday Night Lights,

which is a show. It's also a movie
starring Billy Bob Thornton.

- I don't know if you saw it, but...
- Ian.

What? You think everything in my profile's
the God's honest truth? No.

Now, come on, take your clothes off.

Look, there's this girl...

Ian, this can be our little secret.
No one has to know.

Now come here.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I can't do this with you.

I'm kissing you,
and I'm thinking about somebody else.

No, and I know that's a stupid thing to say.
I mean, she's not even...

Oh, no, no, no.
Ms. Tasty, please don't cry.

It's not a reflection of...
You're so pretty, like...

You're laughing.

Just take your fucking clothes off, asshole!

Look, I'm sorry, okay.
I don't mean to lead you on here,

and I'll give you a ride home,
but I don't think that... What the fuck?

What's up with the bandana, dude? Huh?

What're you, a Gap model?

- Do you have any jacks?
- Yup.

- I win.
- Again.


- All right, just take your shirt off.
- Okay, good.

You were right, Ian. '69 Judge.
You were worth the wait.

- Please, no! Come on, it's not even my car!
- And good luck with the lady friend.


Felicia. Oh, shit! Oh, shit.

Oh, Bobby,
you were so awesome back there.

- Love you so much.
- Cool.

Hey, you know, I was thinking, do you
always have to flash them the twins?

You know, I mean, I do got a gun.

- Oh, baby, you know they're only for you.
- Okay, cool.

Now, listen. I got another car coming
any minute now, okay?

- Got it.
- So take me back to the Big Boy

- and get this goat over to Luis.
- Right.

And where is Luis? 5th and Crescent!

- I fucking told you.
- I know where it is.

And if you do good,
momma's gonna take real good care of you.


You mean the thing I like well?

Yeah, just want to make sure we're talking
about the same thing here.

The pepper grinder.

Pepper grinder!

Pepper grinder! Yeah.


- Hey, boys. You finally made it.
- What's up, Ms. Tasty?

What's up? What's up?

- Damn, you're hot as fuck.
- Yeah.

- We brought beers and rubbers.
- And some lotion for your tits.

- It's not a marathon.
- It's a sprint.

- Bang. Yeah.
- In chicks.

You Felicia?

I'm Bobby Jo.


I can't believe I'm banging an Amish chick.
I mean, seriously, what are the odds?

Oh, yeah! More of that.

So, wait, you do want to party?

With us?

Yeah. I want us all to get naked and party.

Fuck! I can't fucking believe this.

Get your ass out of the car, motherfucker!

- Who the fuck are you?
- Holy fucking fuck-balls!

Okay, my bad.

Now, I thought you were someone else,
all right?

You done fouled up my ride,
so I'm gonna have to take yours.

Fuck that shit.

Here you go. Pulls to the left.

What the fuck, dumb-ass?

Oh, shit!

Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Oh, shit!

Hey, highlights, back it up.

Bite my dick, asshole!

Ow! What the fuck you do that for?

- Lance? What the fuck is going on?
- That's the son of a bitch I was looking for!

Hey, guy. How'd you...

- Found your computer maps, douche-bag!
- Okay.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Boat show,
you and your boyfriend bring it in here.

I don't need no trouble right now.

Let's go. Bring it in.

- Bobby Jo, who the fuck is that?
- Who?

- That!
- That's Felicia.

She was hiding in the back seat,
no biggie.

Fuck! She heard everything then.

- Hello!
- Damn, you're right.

Come on, darling.

- Shut up!
- Now, take it easy on the hair.

- Get down!
- Hey, hey, come on.

- All right, all right.
- Take your hands off her!

Stop shooting our car.
- Inconsiderate.

Please! No!

- All right. Get back, man.
- Ian?

Everybody just be cool.

- Felicia, you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

Ian, give me the goddamn gun
before you shoot your dick off.

- Rex, I got this.
- Ian!

God damn it, Rex, I got this!
Do not fuck with me! Not now!

Ease it back, man.
That donut ain't fucking around.

Hands where I can see them.

- Ian, dude, you're working the mouth.
- I don't give a shit!

Okay. All right, sorry.
You're doing so good. Proud of you.

I mean that. I don't say it enough.

- Tasty and you...
- Bobby Jo.

Ian... Over there. Slowly.

All right, you, corn-fed, you can
punch my friend Lance, but just once.

- Dude! What the fuck?
- You nailed his girlfriend.

- Not exactly. I mean, it was...
- And he came all this way.

All right. All right, fair enough.
Just not in the nuts.

- Oh, shit!
- Okay. Okay, all right.

What a punch.
I think my kids are gonna be retarded.

You got a fucking cannon for an arm, dude.

- Yeah, you got a little...
- Thanks. My ears are ringing.

Stop it! I'm warning you!

Come on, bro. You ain't gonna kill no one.


- Anybody can shoot a gun in the air, dude.
- I'll shoot you in the leg.

Suck his cock, Ian.

- You serious?
- Do I look serious?

I don't think you got the plums, boy.


Oh, fuck.

Okay. Okay.

Anybody can shoot someone
in the leg, dude.

- Give me the gun!
- Jesus, man, what do I got to do?

Don't move, asshole,
or you're a fucking stain.


Holy shit, Ian. Right on!

Where do you think you're going, cunt?

Cat fight!

'Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore

Damn you, whore!

I've forgotten what I started fighting for

Fuck you!

And if I have to crawl upon the floor

Come crashing through your door

Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore

Drop the weapon, donut man!

Okay, put your hands on your head!

- Both hands, asshole!
- I can't move the other arm.

- Who said that? Who said that?
- I can't move the other arm.

Sir, I'm not resisting. It's foam, sir.

The big Mexican won't go down!
Take the shot!

- Holy shit.
- Jesus!

Hold your fire! Hold your fire, okay?

He is not the bad guy! She is the car thief.

Right there. The blond, in a belt for a skirt.

Anything else?

Oh, yeah,
apparently there's a guy named Luis,

and he has a chop shop
at 5th and Crescent!

- Thanks.
- We were just banging that chick in our car.

- Yeah, you mentioned that.
- Yeah, super hard.

The boy did have some plums.
He had some plums.

Hey, this is Rick.
He's played arena football.

- Hi. I'm Mary.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.

That's a weird little dude you got there.

Are you guys hungry?
Is this place open 24 hours?

Thank you for coming for me.

What were you doing in the back seat?

Nothing. I was...

- You were stalking me.
- No, I wasn't. I...

Okay. Yeah, I was stalking you just a little.

I just... I knew you were gonna do
something you were gonna regret, and I...

Felicia. Why can't you just say it?

- Why can't you?
- Well, I asked you first.

Fine. I'll say it.

- You love me.
- Fine.

You love me, too, then.

 Life is beautiful

But it's complicated

Thank God.

We barely make it

You fucking heifer.

- You fixed it!
- Yeah.

Don't lean on it.

I guess you get to live.

You guys are amazing.
- Thanks.

Let's talk seriously for a second.

I figure with the parts and labor,
you know, out the door... 4,200.

Oh. Um...

- It's just a round number.
- Yeah. No, I didn't really...

I don't know what to...

I'm fucking with you, Ian. We're good, man.

- Wait, I mean, you're serious?
- Yeah. I'm serious. We're good. No worries.

- You sure?
- Yeah, of course.

- Thank you, man.
- It's what I live for,

fixing other people's shit for free.


- Hey.
- Straight home, pussy!

- Dude, we got to go.
- Fucking piece of shit!

You go on ahead.
I think I'm gonna stay here, kick it Amish.

Dude, what are you talking about?

I don't know, a little hard work,
fresh air, missionary position.

It's a man's life.

- Sounds pretty good, you know.
- Yeah, it sounds...

Come on, Lance. Get serious.

Come here.

I gotta tell you, I'm impressed.
I'm proud of you, you know.

You held out for a good one,
the one you wanted.

And you fucking made it happen.

But, please, I'm begging you,
go take that girl to visit Grandma.

- All right.
- And when you do, don't...

- Lance, I got it.
- Yeah?


Okay. I think you might.

- See you.
- Bye.

 Well, no, no, me, I never worry

Because, me, I never try

And I never care to hold onto
what I just couldn't kiss goodbye

- Are you sure you're ready?
- Yeah.

All right, well, come on, take them off.

Let's do it.


Oh, shit!

What the fuck!

Give me that fucking shoe...

You know what? Fuck you!
I want a divorce.

A few weeks later,
I was Felicia's date to Tiffany's wedding.

But this time,
it wasn't a just-friends kind of thing.

And Rex did make my life hell for a while.

But that Thanksgiving,

we finally found out
what's been up his ass all these years.

I'm gay! And, so, that's it.

By Christmas,
my dad got used to the idea.

And Rex is actually
a pretty great guy these days.

Yeah, now he only uses the word faggot
during rough sex.

Karen and I want you to have this,
for Christmas.

- Merry Christmas.
- Thanks.

A juicer.

Oh, my gosh! That's so awesome.
Wow, I gotta get some fruit.


Thank you, thank you.

Dylan knocked up Becca
and had to take my old job.

Let's see, what else?

Oh, Andy and Randy finally got a girlfriend.

And on New Year's Eve,
Felicia and I finally visited Grandma.


Damn, yes.

- Felicia, you want to do this?
- Yes.

Oh, that was awesome!

- Hey, boys. You get some rest?
- Thanks, man. Thanks for fixing the bus.

- A pleasure.
- Yeah, thanks for fixing our bus.

- Appreciate it.
- Thanks for playing that show for us, too.

- Yeah, no worries.
- It was a nice five-song set.

Yeah, what do you guys typically...

I assume you get compensated
very well for that.

- Must be a good living.
- Yeah, we do. I mean...

Yeah, you know, I...
Gosh, if I was really to calculate

what you'd lose if this bus
couldn't have gotten back on the road,

if you couldn't have gotten to your shows,

I imagine all those weeping teenage girls
outside, "I need to dance."

Could we send you some pictures?
We don't really have cash or anything.

- Some autographed photos?
- Or we could give you CDs.

Yeah, we've got a lot of use
for that around here.

There is a lot of work
that needs to be done around here.

- You guys are some strapping young lads.
- I don't know if we're really built for that.

- Yeah.
- I can hear you.

I'm just saying,
you guys put in a 20-minute show,

- we spent all night on the bus...
- Yeah.

I mean, that was a lot of work.

We could maybe try
to write a check later on,

or like I said,
we could send you guys some CDs.

City folk are always trying to solve things
with money.

It's the spirit of the community
around here.

Lord, please bless this Fall Out Boy.

Keep him safe on the road.

Help him to aspire
to the heights of Jon Bon Jovi.

- Help him to...
- Thanks.

- Okay, thanks, man.
- Thanks, man. We gotta roll.

- Amen.
- We gotta roll, man. Thank you very much.

All right, boys.
It was a pleasure meeting you.

I loved your penis on the Internet,
by the way.

- Fucking asshole!
- You're a dick!

Say my name and his in the same breath

I dare you to say they taste the same

Let the leaves fall off in the summer

And let December glow feel flames

Brace myself and let go

Start it over again in Mexico

These friends, they don't love you

They just love the hotel suites, now

I don't care what you think

As long as it's about me

The best of us can find happiness

In misery

Said, I don't care what you think

As long as it's about me

The best of us can find happiness

In misery

Oh, take a chance,
let your body get a tolerance

I'm not a chance,
but a heat wave in your pants

Pull a breath like another cigarette

Palms up, I'm trading 'em

Trading 'em

I'm the oracle in my chest

Let the guitar scream like a fascist

Sweat it out, shut your mouth

Free love on the streets

But in the alley and I ain't that cheap, now

I don't care what you think

As long as it's about me

The best of us can find happiness

In misery

Said, I don't care what you think

As long as it's about me

The best of us can find happiness

In misery

Said I don't care just what you think

As long as it's about me

Said I don't care just what you think

As long as it's about me

Said I don't care, I don't care

Said I don't care, I don't care

Said I don't care, I don't care

No, I don't

I don't care, I don't care

I don't care

I don't care what you think

As long as it's about me

The best of us can find happiness

In misery

Said I don't care what you think

As long as it's about me

The best of us can find happiness

In misery

Special thanks to SergeiK.