Step Brothers Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Step Brothers script is here for all you fans of the Will Ferrell movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Step Brothers quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Step Brothers Script

Hey, Brennan.

Mom, I'm watching the thing
with the lady.

I'm leaving. Okay?
I'll be home around 11.

- Bye, Mom.
- Bye, Brennan.

Let's slowly get those hips up.
Good. Now, hold it right here. Great.


Dale, I'm leaving for the conference.

- You leave me money for pizza, Dad?
- Yeah, there's $20 on the hall table.

Do not order pay-per-view, buddy.

- But what if I want wings?
- You don't need wings.

That's not enough, Dad!

The RTI cochlear implant... the state-of-the-art
implantable hearing device...

...due to its input processing of sound
via the speech processor.

But the most exciting
new development... the external processor...

...which fits directly over the ear...

...which eliminates the need to put
your face between those breasts.

I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm so lost.
And this never happens to me.

My name is Robert, and I play
racquetball. I collect coins.

Sweet Jesus! I love Korean food.

I am Nancy Huff. I know
how to make tandoori chicken...

...I contribute to NPR
every single year...

...and I love the movies
of Rob Reiner.

Pilates changed my life.

I have a boat, and I wanna retire
and sail around the world.

- I love the sea!
- And I drive a Mercedes...

...and I have a 40-year-old son, Dale,
who still lives at home.

- What did you just say?
- I knew I shouldn't have told you that.

I have a 39-year-old son
named Brennan...

...who still lives at home with me.

I would like to thank all of you...

...for being here with us
on this fantastic, wonderful day.

And I would like to raise my glass.

Dale and I wanna welcome you
to our home with open arms.

- Get a room, Dad.
- Oh, for chri... Dale!

Well, as you all know, my youngest
son, Derek, couldn't be here...

...because of an important
fishing trip.

But my other son, Brennan, was going
to be moving into his own place...

...but he was recently let go
from his job at PetSmart... he is gonna be living with us.

I wasn't fired from my job,
I was laid off!

But you wouldn't
know the difference.

I didn't want salmon!
I said it four times.

This wedding is horseshit.

Somebody's awfully quiet
back there.

I'm not gonna call him Dad.

Brennan, you're 39 years old.

I would not expect you
to call him Dad.

Well, I'm not going to, ever.
Even if there's a fire.

Robert better not get in my face...

...because I'll drop
that motherfucker.

Jesus, Brennan.

I'm just saying, I think
you gotta think about your options.

I know that you are
technically married now...

...but that does not mean
that they have to live here.

Dale, I think it's time for a change
for both of us.

Dad, we're men, okay?

That means a few things.

We like to shit with the door open.
We talk about pussy.

We go on riverboat-gambling trips.
We make our own beef jerky.

That's what we do.
And now that is all wrecked.

We literally have never done
any of those things.

Where did he go to medical school?

He went to Northwestern
and Johns Hopkins.

- Is that good enough for you?
- No, it's not.

Well, Brennan, those are
very prestigious schools.

I smoked pot with Johnny Hopkins.

You don't know anyone
named Johnny Hopkins.

It was Johnny Hopkins
and Sloan Kettering...

...and they were
blazing that shit up every day.

All right, here's a scenario
for you, Dad.

Suppose Nancy sees me
coming out of the shower...

...and decides to come on to me.
I'm looking good.

I've got a luscious V of hair...

...going from my chest pubes
down to my ball-fro.

And she takes one look at me,
and she goes:

"Oh, my God.

I've had the old bull,
now I want the young calf."

- And she grabs me by the wiener.
- Shut the fuck up!

- Come on, Brennan.
- I'm fine here.

- There you are.
- Hi.

Oh, you look so cute
in your moving clothes.

- How was it?
- It was easy.

The movers did everything.

Where's Brennan?

He's still in the car.

It was kind of a rough drive.

Hey, Robert,
what's all the commotion?

- Hey, Don.
- Is that your wife, Nancy?

- Right here, Don.
- Can I come over this afternoon...

...and touch your face?
- Sure.

Thanks. Good luck, guys.

We'll see you, Don.

Let's go, Cinnamon.
Heel, Cinnamon.

Heel! Cinnamon!


Hi, Dale.

Hey, Nancy. Could you make me
a grilled-cheese sandwich?

- Sure.
- No.

Dale just ate. He's testing you to see
how much he can get away with.

- I see.
- I'm hungry.

Look in your right hand.

- I sure don't mind a bit. I really don't.
- No, no.

No, no. He's fine.



I'm Brennan.

I'm Dale.

But you have to call me Dragon.

You have to call me Nighthawk.


Please don't do that.

Now, that's enough ketchup.
Come on. Dale.

- I like it.
- That's enough.

Dale, I don't know if you...

You might wanna try this. I make
a sauce, we call it "fancy sauce"...

For me.

- that Brennan really likes
with his chicken nuggets.

It's my fancy sauce.

Well, when Brennan finishes,
I'll give you some of this, and it's...

It's ketchup and mayonnaise
mixed together, so...

It's so good.

- I want some fancy sauce.
- Yeah.

- I'm not done using it.
- Looks good.

- Can I have fancy sauce?
- Of course. Of course.

- I'm using it right now.
- Okay.

- So let's just let him try some.
- You wanna try it, Dale?

Yeah, I really would like some.

Just one last spoonful.

Hey, I think you've got
enough there, Brennan.

- So here you go.
- Thanks.

It's ketchup and mayonnaise.

- I don't like it. It smells weird.
- Okay.

- I'll try some.
- You want some?

- Sure. Absolutely.
- Okay.

You don't mind, do you, Brennan?
No. Okay.

- Brennan...
- I'm not comfortable...

It's okay. It's probably
not good on fish anyway.

My dad's king of the castle, so if he
wants fancy sauce, he should...

- No, it's all right, Dale.
- He can make his own batch.

So you know what?

Today, when you were driving around,
Dale was telling me that he's really...

...into kung fu, and I was telling him
that you're really into kung fu as well.

I have a green belt.

Read it and weep.

I don't believe in belts.

There should be no
ranking system for toughness.

But one time I wrestled a giraffe
to the ground with my bare hands.

That's not true, Dale.
Don't be ridiculous.

So, Dale, what have you been
working on recently?


...I manage a baseball team.

- Little League?
- Fantasy league.

Take a picture. It'll last longer.

Why don't you stop
being so confrontational, Dale?

I'm not the one staring at me.

So, Brennan, how about you?

I know you used to
work at PetSmart.

- That's right, Mr. Doback.
- Call me Robert.

- That's right, Robin.
- Robert.


Actually, Brennan
is a really talented person.

He's a very gifted singer.

- I'm really, really good.
- How good?

I've been called
the songbird of my generation... people who've heard me.

That good.

The only trick is
is that Brennan's very...

...particular about
who he sings in front of, so...

I'm his mom, for example,
I've only heard him sing twice.

That's funny that you say that,
because I can sing too.

In fact, I'll sing right now.

If you wanna get down
On these hairy balls

- Hey!
- Why don't you jump right in?

It's a crotch party right up in here

- Stop it!
- Why don't you lick on this big joint?

Stop it, Dale! Stop it! Stop it!

That's cute.

I remember when I had my first beer.

That's so funny,
the last time I heard that...

...I laughed so hard
I fell off my dinosaur.

Stop right now. All right?
Let's just back off.

All right. Brennan, it's okay.
It's okay.

Hey, hey.

- Great, Dale.
- He said a mean thing first.

All right, just...
Look, you know what...? Hey, guys.

Okay, sleeping arrangements.
It's gonna be different...

...but because Dale refuses
to give up his office drum set...

...that means that, Brennan, you and
Dale are gonna have to share a room.

- But it's just temporary.
- Mom, we didn't talk about this.

Well, it's gonna be
an exciting adventure.

You wanna show him the room, Dale?
Show him where he can put his stuff?

- That's nice, thank you.
- Good night, Nancy.

Hey, listen, I like to have
a lot of fresh fruit around...

...and chocolate chips
in my pancakes. Okay?

- Write it so you don't forget.
- Show him the room.

She's Mom now, so...

- Good night, Mom.
- Good night, Brennan.

- Good night, Mr. Doback.
- Good night, Brennan.

So just a few basic rules
about the house.

If there's any foods that you like...

...I suggest you put your name
on them, or they will be thrown out.

By me.

House was built in by General Custer.

I wanna show you this room.

Hold up.

- You see this room?
- Yeah.

Okay, here's the deal.

This is my office
and my beat laboratory.


And this is the one rule of the house:

Don't ever, ever, ever...

...touch my drum set.

- You understand?
- Don't go in there and...

- No touching!
- All right!

There. I was at about six there.

You don't wanna see me go to 10.

Get your shit.
We're going to my room.


I just found a chain of islands
that we can sail to after New Zealand.

That's wonderful.

You know,
I've been meaning to ask you...

Why is it that Dale never left?

Well, Dale has always
coasted off my accomplishments.

I mean, he left college
his junior year...

...because he said he wanted
to join the family business.

- But you're a medical doctor.
- Believe me, I've told him that.

But he just always says,
"It's all about who you know."

I don't know where
he got this sense of entitlement.

Maybe it was his mother passing.
What about Brennan?

From what you've told me...

...his younger brother Derek's
been quite successful.

Well, certainly when his father
and I split, that was difficult for him.

And this one time, when Brennan
was 17 and Derek was 14...

...and Brennan decided
to enter a talent show.

He sang a song
from an old pirate musical.

But Derek got his football buddies
to replace the choir and sing:

"Brennan has a mangina."

Brennan has a mangina
Brennan has a mangina

Finally, the audience and even some
of the nastier parents started singing:

"Brennan has a mangina."

And I have to admit, for a little while,
I sort of joined in as well.

From that day on,
Brennan never sang again.

Derek went on to win the contest
by lip-synching "Ice Ice Baby."

- Oh, that's a great song.
- It is.

- Hey, you awake?
- Yeah.

I just want you to know I hate you.
So does my dad.

Well, that's fine.

Because guess what.

I hate you too.

And this house sucks ass.

Well, the only reason
you're living here... because me and my dad decided
that your mom was really hot...

...and maybe we should just
both bang her.

And we'll put up with the retard
in the meantime.

- Who's the retard?
- You.

- Hey, y'all don't say that.
- Shut up.

You'll wake up my dad
and get me grounded.

Just shut up.

You and your mom are hillbillies.

- This is a house of learned doctors.
- You're not a doctor.

You're a big, fat, curly-headed fuck.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

- I'm a curly-headed fuck?
- Yeah.

You better not go to sleep.

As soon as your eyes shut, I'm gonna
punch you square in the face.

I hope you stay still
when you sleep...

...because I'm putting a rat trap
between your legs.

I'm gonna take a pillowcase
and fill it full of bars of soap...

...and beat the shit out of you.

I want you out of my fucking house.

No way, kemosabe.

This is my house now.

How do you like The Gilded Lady?

I wish we could retire right now.

Won't be long.

Oh, God! It's cold!

Hey! Is anyone listening? Help!

Fuck you, Dale! Fuck you!

- obviously you guys are hot.
You know?

Just revealed her cover.
I was like, "Wow, this is hot."

A little girl-on-girl.
A little heaven, a little hell.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Why you so sweaty?
- I was watching Cops.

Not supposed to have
your feet on the couch.

Hey, man.

Did you touch my drum set?

- Nope.
- It's just weird...

...because seems like someone
definitely touched my drum set.

Yeah, that is weird.
Because I didn't touch them.

- Hey! Did you touch my drum set?
- Hey, knock it off!

I know you touched my drumstick,
because the left one has a chip in it.

You fucking crazy, man?

You sound insane, do you realize
that? You should be medicated.

Fuck you, Brennan.
I know you touched my drum set.

I wanna hear that
dirty mouth admit it.

You get out of my face,
or I'm gonna roundhouse your ass.

You swear on your mom's life
that you didn't touch it!

I don't swear to shit!

That's because you fucking
touched my drum set...

...because I know
Cops doesn't start till 4.

- Where are you going?
- I'm going upstairs.

Because I'm gonna put my nut sack
on your drum set. Okay?

Don't you do that.
I am warning you right now:

If you touch my drums, I will
stab you in the neck with a knife!

If you even go in the room,
I will go ape-shit, you hear me?

Don't wanna miss a spot.

John Bonham's playing
"Moby Dick" for real!

I swear to God. I swear to God! No!

I warned you.

There's one rule in the house,
and you broke it!

I didn't touch your damn drum set!

I'm pre-diabetic!

You fucking fucker! I'm gonna
rub my balls on your mom's face!

Come back here!

I'll kill you! You son of a bitch!

Your drum set's a whore!

I teabagged your fucking drum set!

Well, my drum set's a guy,
so that makes you gay, you fucker!

I'll kill you!

I think it's gonna go
generic soon, okay?

- Line three.
- Oh, thanks, Miles.


Jules? Wait, what's wrong?

- Back!
- You touched my drum set, you fucker!

Stop it! Stop it!

- Rape! Rape! Rape!
- Stop it! Stop! Stop.

- Stay out of this, Nancy!
- Stop it, you guys.

- Oh, my God, you're hurting him!
- No, Nancy!

Cinnamon! Stop it!

My mom is being eaten by a dog,
there's nothing I can do!

- No, a story has a...
- Excuse me.

Dr. Doback, the phone's for you.
I think it's urgent.


Robert, they're like animals!
I can't stop them!

Stop screaming. Please.
I'm on my way.

There seems to be some
savage fight going on...

...between my son and stepson,
so l...

Family issues, huh?

I don't believe in talking about
people's personal lives...

...behind their back.

You know nobody likes you, right?

Rape! Rape! Rape!

What's going on?

Robert! They won't... They won't...

- Stop it! Stop it!
- Dale, what...?

- Stay out of it, Dad!
- Stop it!

What the fucking fuck?

Someone got some air. Snap.

- I still hate you.
- Still hate you.

Such power. It's raw power.

What are you doing?
It's Shark Week.

Okay, here's the deal:

Number one, you will fix
the fucking drywall now.

Number two, you have one month to
find jobs or you're out on your asses.

I will arrange interviews for Monday,
and you will go!

Dad, why are you talking
to me like this? I'm your son.

I'm not buying that crap anymore.

Today I saw my own son
use a bicycle as a weapon.

You yelled "rape"
at the top of your lungs.

Mom, I honestly thought
I was gonna be raped for a second.

He had the craziest look in his eyes.

And at one point he said,
"Let's get it on."

That was about the fighting.
I'm so not a raper.

I didn't touch your drum set, okay?

I witnessed with my eyes
your testicles touching my drum set.

All right, that's it! That's it!

You two guys leave me no choice.

No television for a week.

- What?!
- What?!

- We are so serious, guys.
- You're fucking high!

Are you out of your mind?

This goes in Robert's wall safe
and it's gonna stay there.

- No!
- Okay.

- This house is a fucking prison!
- On planet Bullshit!

In the galaxy of
This Sucks Camel Dicks!

Hi! Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol.

- Hey.
- You can't catch me.

I gotcha.

I gotcha.

Aunt Carol's on fire!

I don't know where you learned it.

- Well, there's lots more where that...
- My God.

- Oh, no. What happened?
- What the...?

Oh, my God.

Maybe Dale left the back door open
and raccoons got in.

Nancy? Is this your purse
in the freezer?

Yes. It's Brennan.

He sleepwalks and he always
puts my purse in the freezer.

Dale sleepwalks too.

- Are you kidding me?
- I'm not. Look in the oven.

- What's in the...? Couch pillows?
- Couch pillows.

Yeah, Dale.

Come on.

- It's okay.
- It's really hard.

It's gonna be fine.

They're gonna get jobs,
they'll be gone in a month. A month.


- Guys. Guys!
- I'll kill you, Leonard Nimoy.

The clown has no penis.

What kind of dreams
are you guys having?

Hey, it's 12:30.

Brennan, your brother's
coming today, so get up.

- Today?
- Yep.

- Shit.
- What's your problem?

My little brother's even
a bigger asshole than you are.

All right, let's really nail it this time.
Here we go.

A one, a two, a one, two, three, four.

All right, Tommy, you're the oldest.
I'm counting on you. Come on.

Nice vibrato, buddy.
All right, all right, Alice, let's go.

Flat. It's so flat.

I can't even... You don't even
look good while you're singing.

The worst thing I've ever heard.

This is $ 1200 a week for
voice lessons, and this is what I get?

Okay, I'm gonna save it
with this solo.

I'm Derek

And I can sing high like this

And I can sing high


We were so sad you guys
couldn't come to the wedding.

- But we completely understand.
- Yeah.

You were busy fishing
with Mark Cuban.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, not just the Cubes...

...but we had Chris Daughtry,
Jeff Probst, super-chef Bobby Flay.

It was insane.
I mean, it was almost too much.

My God, that's impressive.

Yeah, we were down in the Gulf,
fishing bonito.

Robert, have you ever been down
to the Gulf on the bonito run?

Always wanted to.
I hear it's amazing.

- It is. It's gorgeous.
- Are bonito fish big?


Don't interrupt
when he's telling a story.

- It's fine, Robert.
- I was asking about the story.

- What's this guy's deal?
- I don't know, son. It's okay.

Well, Dale, they are
what's called a trophy fish.

So, yeah, they're pretty big.

I'm sorry.


Oh, God, I'm sorry,
I forget where my story was going.

Damn it, Dale.

- No...
- Robert.

- What?
- What? I asked him.

No, he can join in, Robert.
It's really okay.

Well, I asked him twice
not to interrupt.

Gang, don't be mad at Dale for ruining
the story. And possibly the evening.

It's totally fine.
I have a lot more stories.

- Derek, that you do. That you do.
- Yeah.

- Guilty as charged with the stories.
- Oh, God, you're impressive.

Come on. I love talking to you.

From across the room,
I feel like we have a thing.

You and me, man. You're my
new stepdad. You're unbelievable.

- I never heard that laugh before.
- Dad, why are you acting so weird?

Oh, hey, by the way, guys,
where's my bro, Brennan?

You're right about your brother.
Total dick.

Told you.

You know what? I still hate you...

...but you got a pretty awesome
collection of nudie mags.

Yeah, I got them
from the '70s, '80s and '90s.

It's like masturbating
in a time machine.

Anyway, so I figure by the summer
of 2010, we can probably set sail.

But I think about it
every day of my life.

Let me ask you this, Bob,
why wait two years?

- Well, I gotta make more money.
- Okay, look.

I hear you, believe me.

But what if I were to tell you
that I could sell this house...

...for 30 percent above market?

- That'd be great. Could you do it?
- Yeah. In a heartbeat, Robby.

Look, I got my real-estate license
a few years back for shits and gigs.

I'd do it for four-fifths commish...

...because you know what really
gets my dick hard?

Helping out my friends.

That'd be fantastic.
That'd be fanta... Oh, my God.

- No, it would be kick-ass, bro.
- Oh, man.

Right there.

What about Dale and Brennan?

Because they haven't
even gotten jobs yet.

God, change the record.


Robert. Don't talk to me like that
in front of my son.

Oh, come on. We're talking about
our dream, the boat. Come on.

Yeah, it's our dream, but I think it
all needs to be done in good time.

I'm just saying give it some thought,
okay? That's it. That's all I'm saying.

Holy shit, triplets.

It's true, three's company.

- It shows tons of bush.
- Hey, hey, careful.

Careful with that. You're crinkling.

That's a collector's item.
It's worth a lot of money.

What's up, faggots?

What's up, man? What, you're not
gonna come down, say hi to me?

Hi, Derek.

Whoa, calm down, man.
I'm just joking.

You guys, I really like
your guys' setup up here.

What is your problem, man?

My problem? I don't know.
I don't have a problem, Dale.

Actually, I have the opposite
of a problem:

I made over 550 K last year.
How much did you make?

- It's not about money.
- No, it's not about money.

Well, for me,
it's a little bit about money...

...and I made
that much money last year.

I am the VP of the biggest...

company on the Western Seaboard.

Okay? I haven't had a carb
since 2004.

Check these out. See these?
See these boys?

This is what I live with.

Every day I lather this up
with Kiehl's in the shower.

You wanna touch this shit?
You wanna touch these bad boys?

Sorry, not gonna happen.

Is there something you want?

I promised Mom I'd offer you a job.

I told her it'd count as her
Christmas present, so...

No. I'm never gonna work for you.

Fine. I don't care.

The truth is I just smoked a J
out in my car a few minutes ago... feeling a little spacy.

Know what I'm say...?
What's up with you, man?

What you looking at, kemosabe?


You wanna punch me right now.

You wanna punch me right now,
but you won't.

You wanna punch me too?

You guys both look like you might
wanna hit me in the face.

You do, I can tell.
Well, why don't you do it?

Why don't you punch me
in the face?

Punch me in the fucking face!

- Oh, shit.
- Oh, my shoulder!

That was awesome.

Mom! Mom!

Derek, know what's always good
for shoulder pain?

- What?
- If you lick my butthole.


- Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Bobby.
- Sure.

Aside from that retard trying to punch
me, it was a pretty good evening.

- It was our pleasure, son.
- Why are you calling him that?

Oh, don't, don't.

Bye, kids. I'll check out that stock
you recommended, Tommy.

Excuse me.

- Hi. I'm Alice, I'm Derek's wife.
- Hi.

Is it true you struck Derek in the face
and he fell from the tree house?

Yeah. He asked me to.

Oh, that's the most amazing thing
I've ever heard.

I want you to know that tonight...

...I am gonna pleasure myself to
the image of you doing that to Derek.

You know what I mean?


I am.

Oh, Dale.

You are something.

You are something.

You're something too.

I wanna roll you into a little ball
and shove you up my vagina.

You could just live there.
It's warm and it's cozy.

In your vagina?

I wanna walk around with you
in there and just know that...

...whenever I feel a little tickle
or scratch...

...that it's just your hair
up my vagina.

Please, just do it for me.

What's happening?

Kiss me.

I know. I know. It's too much.

It's too much.

I hate my life, Dale.

Dale, I hate my life!
I have nobody to talk to.

- Well, you seemed okay at the di...
- Please.

Alice! Honey, come on!

Dane Cook, pay-per-view,
20 minutes. Let's go!

Coming, honey!
I'm just talking to Dale.

This is so stupid.

Call me.

- I love you.
- Okay.

- Hey. What'd she want?
- What?

Nothing. Who's...? Who?


We were just talking. Not...
It was not about sex or anything.

I can't believe you hit Derek.

I know. Did you see
the expression on his face?

- That was cool.
- Listen.

I know that we started out as foe.

But after that courageous act...

...that you showed me
against the one they call Derek...

...maybe someday
we could become friends.

Friends who ride majestic,
translucent steeds...

...shooting flaming arrows
across the Bridge of Hemdale.

I would follow you into the mists
of Avalon, if that's what you mean.

Do you wanna see something cool
that only three people have seen?

Okay, open your eyes.

See that black smudge
right there on the blade?

- Yeah.
- Look at it closely.

- Pretty recognizable signature.
- No.

Randy Jackson from American Idol.

Why do you have Randy Jackson's
autograph on a martial-arts weapon?

I bumped into him
and all I had was this sword...

...and you're not gonna not get
Randy Jackson's autograph.

I would've done
the exact same thing.

Now, do you wanna see
something really cool?

- Of course.
- Turn off the lights.

night-vision goggles.

Holy Santa Claus shit.

Can you imagine if we had these
when we were 12?

Even better.
We got them when we're 40.

You know what's amazing? They're
not that noticeable on your face.

- Right?
- Yeah.

I can't believe I've been living here
for two weeks...

...and I'm walking
around this place...

...thinking I've got a huge doucher
for a stepbrother.

Secretly, you're not a doucher.

Let's play a game, all right?

On the count of three,
name your favorite dinosaur.

Don't even think about it, just name it.
Ready? One, two, three.

- Velociraptor.
- Velociraptor.

Favorite non-pornographic magazine
to masturbate to.

- Good Housekeeping.
- Good Housekeeping.

If you were a chick, who's
the one guy you'd sleep with?

- John Stamos.
- John Stamos.

- What?
- Did we just become best friends?


Do you wanna go do karate
in the garage?


- Yeah!
- Yeah!

I think they're starting to
like each other.

I got a really bad feeling about this.

- Sword fight!
- I know.

Sword fight!

- Exactly the same!
- I know! That's so weird.

Now you're in trouble.

- Come on!
- No!

They're betting against you,
but you can do it!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Is this a bad time?

What the hell's going on?

Ma, Mr. Doback, okay,
Dale and I were just...

Please, stop calling me Mr. Doback.

Sorry. Okay.

Mom, Doback...

...we think it would be very prudent...

- Can we turn our beds into bunk beds?
- Yes.

Why are you guys so sweaty?

We've already figured out how.
The beds match up perfectly.

It would give us so much extra space
in our room to do activities.

Please say yes.

You don't need our permission
to build bunk beds.

You're adults.
You can do what you want.


I'm not making myself clear.

I don't give a fuck.

Now, you both have
several interviews tomorrow.

I would think you'd be focused
on that and not building bunk beds.

- So?
- So?

- We can? No?
- Yes. Yes, you can make bunk beds.

- I knew it.
- Okay. You are not gonna regret this.

We'll get so much more
activities done.

This is the funnest night ever!

This is so scary.

- How you doing over there?
- Really good.


Does your son know anything
about carpentry?

No, not a th... Did I hear a drill?

- Dale! Dale, no power tools!
- Power tools.

- What?
- No power tools!

- No, I forgot, I have to brush my teeth.
- That is not your toothbrush.

Oh, okay. Well, I'm all done anyway.

- We did it.
- We did it!

It looks amazing!

Look at that! That looks like
what you'd buy from a store!

- Should've been a bunk bed all along.
- Look at this space.

- We could do aerobics in here.
- So many activities!

- Do step class.
- It's making my head spin... many activities we can do.
- Play Army men.

- Yeah.
- Come on.

Hey, I never asked you.
Do you like guacamole?

Oh, Brennan! Oh, God!

Brennan! Brennan!

Dad. Nancy. It's bad.

It's so bad.
There's blood everywhere.

The bunk beds were a terrible idea.
Why'd you let us do that?

It's so bad!

How would you describe that?

- It's not so bad.
- Right. See?

Put your beds back.

Rumpus time is over.

You got a big day tomorrow.
You need your eight hours.

And although she was 88 years old,
she never stopped believing.

It's 8:20 in the a.m.

Coming up next, a recent study
by the American Council...

Look at her. She's hot.

Okay, guys, this is it.
Good luck. Don't be late.

Dad, I need to borrow
some clothes for the interview...

...since I don't have
any fancy clothes.

You go in my closet, take whatever
you need. You guys gotta look sharp.

This is the most important
day of our lives.

- Okay.
- No pressure, no pressure.

- All right? Relax.
- Okay.

I gotta go. I gotta go.

This is your day.
Remember that. You own it.

- This is your one day!
- All right.

Mr. Huff, Mr. Jeener
is ready for your interview.

Actually, we'll be
interviewing as a team.

We're here to fuck shit up.

Move it!


Well, Brennan, you certainly
have had a lot of jobs.

I'm a bit of a spark plug.

And, Human Resources lady,
when I think...

- You know, it's... Actually, it's Pam.
- I'm sorry.

- Well, Pan...
- No, my name is Pam.

- Are you saying Pan or Pam?
- I'm saying Pam.

Yeah, I'm sorry, who is this
gentleman sitting behind you?

Hello, Ms. Lady. I'm Dale.
I'm Brennan's stepbrother...

...and I think I might be able to help
with the Pan-Pam dilemma.

- Yeah, that'd be great.
- Pam.

- Pan.
- Pam.

- Pand. There's a D on the end.
- With an M.

- There's no D. It's Pam.
- It's like "comb," except P-A-N-M.

- N-N. There's two N's.
- Two M's. That was the confusion.

No, there's just one M.

What do you say we interview you?

All right. Yes, that's a
sometimes-useful exercise.

Please put your hand down.

Go ahead.

How much money do you make
a year before taxes?

Okay, I'm actually not comfortable
answering that.

- Come on!
- We're doing the interview, not you.

Here's a shot out of a cannon:
Oprah, Barbara Walters, your wife.

You gotta fuck one,
marry one, kill one. Go!

I think we're done here. Thank you.

Mr. Huff, under your references,
you listed Dale Doback...

...which I know is this gentleman,
but you also listed...

..."Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior."
- Yeah.

Yeah, we are looking for people
we can contact.

We wanna tell you the stuff
we're not good at.

- Our weaknesses.
- So we're clear up front.

- Okay.
- We're not generally comfortable... an office setting, I would say.
- I get cooped up.

I won't go into an office
that's ever been used before.

I am no good before 11 a.m.

I also get headaches from computers,
so I can't be around them too long.

I take stuff.

I need someone to go up and down
with me in the elevator.

I have a weakness for sweets.

Other weaknesses?

We're slow learners and we're
not particularly good listeners.

- That'll be a huge problem.
- We're also slow learners.

First of all,
I needed someone to work...

Wait, shut your mouth.
Shut your mouth.

I think we've had enough...

- Shush up for one second.
- Shut your mouth.

- Wait, shut your mouth.
- I'm sorry, what did you just say?

- You're just coming off stupid.
- I'm coming off stupid?

You're wearing tuxedos to a job that
requires you to clean bathrooms.

- Please leave this office, we're done.
- Do we get any sort of souvenir?

Get out of my office!

I'm looking to hire guys I don't mind
hanging out with for 12 hours a day.

You guys seem like cool guys.

Got hair similar to mine,
you wear tuxedos to the interview.

That's funny, it's ironic. I get that.

Underplaying the whole formality of it.
I think that's funny as hell.

So let's do this, you know?
You guys are hired. You're in.

Unless you're the weirdest guys ever
and I don't see it.


- Was that a fart?
- I don't know.

I can taste it.

On my tongue.

Okay, I'll be honest with you.
I did fart.

Is that onion? Onion and...
Onion and ketchup.

- It stinks. And this is a small room.
- Shit.

Okay, now the tuxedos
seem kind of fucked up.

God. We were so close.

So, what do we do for jobs?
Is your dad really gonna kick us out?

Listen, don't worry about my dad.

Got him sewn up.

We've gotta start thinking bigger,
though, Brennan.

Listen, what are you really good at?

Singing. I'm a world-class singer.

See? Right there,
that's an amazing skill.

Now, what am I good at?

I can shred on the drums
and I'm a marketing wiz.

Put all that together,
what do you get?

- I don't know, a band?
- No, that's been done before.

Even better: we are gonna start an
international entertainment company.

The biggest and the best.

And we're gonna call it
Prestige Worldwide.

That sounds so cool.

I feel like a lightning bolt
hit the tip of my penis.

Yeah. Yeah.

We're brothers. This is why we met.

- To form this alliance, right?
- Right?

That's why our parents met,
so this idea could happen.

- Okay, what do we do?
- We get to work.

And we hit the beat laboratory
right now. Let's go.

- What?
- Wait.

What time is it?

- 4:30.
- 4:30.


- I can't go down Whitworth right now.
- Okay.

We should go this way.

- What's up?
- Chris Gardocki.

- What?
- He gets in my face...

...and I just don't wanna
deal with the hassle now.

- Are you this scared?
- Can we please go the long way?

- Down Cutler?
- Yeah.

But that's 45 minutes.

You're gonna shame me
into doing this.

- You sound stupid.
- You'll be sorry. Okay, I'm stupid.

Oh, man.

Oh, God, there they are.

Oh, my God, is that Dale Doback?

- Let's make him lick dog shit.
- Yeah.

Hey, fag-stick. Long time, no see.

Is that your boyfriend?
Is that your butt buddy?

Look, Mr. Gardocki,
just leave me alone, will you?

Shut your mouth, esé.

You guys just go back and have fun
on your jungle gym, okay?

Does butt buddy have a name?

If you're referring to me as
butt buddy, yes, I do have a name.

It's Brennan Huff.

If you don't come over here
and lick that white dog shit...

...l'm gonna plow into your nose
with my fist.

- I'm not licking any white dog shit.
- I'll lick the shit if you leave us alone.

Dale, you're not licking
dog shit, okay? They're kids.

- Brennan, it's just dog shit.
- It's ridiculous!

- Hello, how are...?
- Oh, God!

Leave him alone! Leave him alone!

Get them!

So maybe you don't
go down that way anymore.

Maybe you go the long way home.

That's what we talked about.
We'll take the long way home.

You know in that one scene
in The Wizard of Oz...

...when the flying monkeys
pull apart the Scarecrow?

That's what it was like.

- It's okay, it's okay.
- I'm so sorry.

Is my dad mad about
the stuff that happened?

Robert was very upset, yes.

He knows that you interviewed
as a team.

And he heard about the fart.

- Oh, he did?
- Yeah.

You just couldn't hold it, or you...?

- No. I thought it was gonna be silent.
- It was not silent.

Just kept going, and it made a sound.
It was embarrassing.

It got louder.

So listen, Bobby,
I'll get those keys made tomorrow...

...and then we'll start setting up times.
- Thank you.

- Hi, Mom.
- Hi.

- Okay, bye.
- Bye.

- Always nice to see you.
- You too.

Hey, guys.

Looks like your
free ride's over, huh?

Have fun living on the streets.

Okay, cool. Good chatting, you guys.
Bye, Mom.

- Bye.
- See you, buddy.

What was he doing here?

We're putting the house
on the market.

- Where are we moving?
- Is the house haunted?

Nancy and I are retiring...

...and sailing around the world
on my boat.

We are living the dream.

Well, what about us?

I'm sorry. Robert... We thought that... should take responsibility
for your own lives.

This is the exciting part:

We're going to put enough
money in your accounts...

...for a security deposit
on an apartment.

What's this all about?

More than just money, we're gonna get
you another kind of support as well.

You're both gonna see therapists.
Nancy thinks it'll help.

- Guys, that's nonnegotiable.
- Hold on. We're not going on the boat...

...Derek's selling the house,
we have to go to therapy?

- What the fuck happened?
- Hey!

Look, I know this seems
really, really sudden...

...and just sort of unfair
and cruel and...

- But it's nonnegotiable.
- But it's nonnegotiable.

I got a bellyful
of white dog crap in me...

...and now you lay this shit on me?

You're adults. It's time
you started acting like adults.

- Mom.
- I'm not backing down, Brennan.

Don't even try.

I know it seems hard,
but it's the best thing for both of you.

We do it because we love you.

Dad, I'm doing this because
I love you: fuck you.

- Anything else?
- No.

Bon voyage! Have a great time!

Hey, what's up, Derek?


- Know what?
- Look what I got.

I'm sitting here thinking we finally got
a family together here...

...and now it's about to be taken away
because they think we're losers.

- Because they don't understand us?
- Yeah.

They don't get that this lifestyle
is a choice.

And all they think about
is that stupid boat.

I swear, I'm so pissed off
at my mom.

As soon as she is of age,
I'm putting her in a home.

We have got to get
Prestige Worldwide going.

It's the thing that's
gonna save this family.

I was thinking we should
have a investor presentation... on The Apprentice.

We gotta start
with some capital somewhere.

Here's the thing, though:

If we're gonna start
a huge multinational corporation...

...I have to hear you sing.

Can't you just trust that
I'm a really, really good singer?

Just one song, so I know
what your voice sounds like.

Yeah, yeah. I'll just do it.

No big deal. I'll just dive into it
and just start singing.

Jesus, my heart is beating
so fast right now.

Okay, just do it. Just do it.


You know, I don't know.

I didn't sing too loud, because I don't
wanna wake up Robert and Nancy.

My throat's sore. I've had
a sore throat for a month and a half.

And this is not an acoustic
environment that's suitable... request this from me.

You gotta know,
I'm not just some guy.

Brennan, that is
the voice of an angel.

Brennan, I can't even make
eye contact with you right now.

Your voice is like a combination
of Fergie and Jesus.

Why can't you do that
in front of people?

Are you messing with me right now?

It's me, Dale.

You're good.

- I know.
- This is gonna sound weird...

...but for a second, I think
you took on the shape of a unicorn.

I felt like I was hovering
above my own body...

...watching myself sing.

Now, let's move on
to other business.

First thing tomorrow, we gotta get
cracking on this investor presentation.

And guess what else.
This just came to me.

- We're making a music video.
- Yeah!

What do we do about Derek
and the house?

Don't worry about him.

Oh, it's a great "nabe."

Frank Gifford
used to live down the block.

- The Giff?
- Yeah, the Giff. Right down the block.

I'm getting
a really good feeling about this.

I am so glad.

You get us that 10-year
interest-only loan, we got a deal.

Hey, fuckers!
Welcome to the neighborhood!

- My name is Craig.
- The neighbor is a Nazi?

You guys ever need fertilizer,
I've got a lot of it. Close to 80 tons.

Hey, folks! How you doing?
You're gonna love this neighborhood.

Every single house here recycles.

- Okay, we're done here.
- Yeah, okay.

Hey, Derek, sprechen sie dick.

Dale, I don't know how much
you know about therapy...

...but it usually starts by you
telling me something about yourself.

I work at a college as a janitor...

...even though I'm smarter
than most of the people there.

Sometimes I see an equation
written on a blackboard... half an equation,
and I'll just figure it out.

- Is this Good Will Hunting?
- No.

It sounds a lot like the plot
of Good Will Hunting.

Yeah. Anyway.
My best friend is Ben Affleck...

So I thought we'd begin
talking about your parents' divorce.


How old were you
when they got divorced?

- Fifteen.
- That's a hard age.

- Yes. Yeah.
- Do you wanna talk...

...about some of those feelings?
- I love you.

- Obviously, you don't know me.
- I love you so much.

Thank you. And I will take that
as a feeling that you have...

...of comfortability with me.

It's more than comfortability.

- I mean, I fucking love you.
- Okay. I th...

I'm just thinking
about our life together.

I feel like I'm walking on a cloud.

My penis is tingling right now.

- That is so off-putting.
- You're not feeling this?

In no way, shape or form do I feel
any feelings of intimacy towards you... any way whatsoever.

You got a really dope
front lawn here.

You and your homeboys
can play on that.

- You can just say "It looks good."
- Yeah.

No, that's how I talk.

Oh, you got a really fresh
entryway here. Pretty awesome.

- show you the front of the house,
which is actual...

Will you vultures please give us some
privacy? He just died last night.

What is going on here?

It was the asbestos in here,
that's what did it!

I've seen too many dead bodies.

- I can't be in here. I can't.
- No, no, no.

- Not bad.
- Eat shit, Derek.

- Awesome B-day party, broheisens.
- You the man, Derek.

Okay, who's this from? TJ?

Where are
the rest of my gifts, dude?

Totally joking around, TJ.

All right.

Oh, yes! Yes! Callaway 3-wood.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!


- Bomb it down the fairway, bitches!
- That's right.

Hi, my name is Jim.
Wanna suck my dick for money?

- It's just me. Hi.
- Oh, my God.

What are you doing?
This is the men's bathroom.

Happy anniversary.

- It's our second date.
- What?

Listen, I'm sick of being
all coy and bashful, Dale. Okay?

- We're in the bathroom.
- This'll just take a minute.

There's really little you can
do about it. Let me just hop on.

It's all slippery.

Oh, my God!

It's getting tingly.
Something's gonna happen, Alice!

Oh, we just had sex.

- Just the way I imagined it.
- I like you.

I love you.

- Stay golden, Ponyboy. I gotta pee.
- Okay.

Oh, my God.

You're incredible.

Say hello to my little friend.

- Just kidding. It's from Scarface.
- Scarface.

Shut the fuck up!

- Sweet-ass gift, Teej.
- Yeah, not bad.

- I got it all mapped out.
- Okay.

- I'm following your lead, though.
- I'll get all eyes on us.

- Okay.
- Just like we planned.

And then we'll drop the hammer.

What were Dale and Brennan doing
with my video camera, do you know?

I have no idea. And frankly,
I really don't care. So...

I would like to say a few things.

Derek, you are an outstanding
young man, son.

And I would like say that
this is the image I have:

That sometimes when I'm making love
to your mother and I realize that...

...this is where you came from,
that I'm so moved...

...that I talked to my lawyer,
and not only are you going to be... my heart forever, but you're
going to be in my will, young man.

- Okay. Okay.
- Okay?

- Robert, that was fucking awesome.
- Thank you.

You got a lot of this, buddy.
And you got a lot of these.

Thank you.

Everyone, if I could have
your attention, please.

For those of you
who don't know me... name's Dale Doback.
- Check. Check.

I'm Robert's other son,
the biological one.

Check. Check.

Probably wondering
why we gathered you here tonight...

...besides Derek's birthday.

We got a special surprise for you,
Derek, and everybody here...

- Check, check.
- Check.

- Dale. No, please.
- Don't interrupt them.

- I'm begging you.
- You wanna shut this down?

- Just hold on.
- Derek, for your birthday...

...we thought we'd roll out...

...a once-in-a-lifetime
business opportunity.

Happy birthday, Derek.


Prestige Worldwide,
wide, wide, wide.

Prestige Worldwide.

- The first word in entertainment.
- First word.

- Management.
- Financial portfolios.

- Insurance.
- Computers.

- Black leather gloves.
- Research and development.

Putting in the man-hours to study
the science of what you need.

Last week we put Liquid Paper
on a bee...

...and it died.

- Security.
- Security.

- And...
- And.

- Possibly you.
- Possibly you.

- Oh, this is classic. This is...
- We'd like to present...

...the world premiere of Prestige
Worldwide's first music video... our first act, Huff and Doback.

- Roll it.
- Roll it.

Pay close attention, Dad.
It's gonna look familiar.

- This is... This is perfect.
- Is that my boat?

Yes, it is.

What are you doing on my boat?

The Niña, the Pinta
The Santa María

I'll do you in the bottom
While you're drinking sangria

Nachos and Lemonheads
On my dad's boat

You won't go down
'Cause my dick can float

We sail around the world
And go port to port

Every time I come
I produce a quart

That is offensive. Brennan, Dale.

I gotta have me my boats and ho's

Deadliest Catch without the crabs

We're almost out of gas
Call the Arabs

Pull up the anchor
'Cause we're leaving dry land

Get below deck
With a dick in your hand

Boats and ho's
Boats and ho's

I gotta have me my boats and ho's

Are you ready for some
world-class vocalization?

- Get a partner.
- Wait a minute.

- Who's steering the boat?
- Dad, please shut up.

Please shut up!



...big question is:

Aside from the damage to the boat,
which we will fix...

...what'd you think
of the presentation?

Brennan, I think that what you did
to Robert's boat was horrid.

Having said that,
I think that both of you boys...

...showed a lot of enthusiasm
and inventiveness.

Yes. Thank you.

You gotta be kidding me.

They destroyed our dream
and you're calling it inventive.

- No, no, no. I didn't mean it like that.
- Yes, you did.

Come on, you did.

It's gonna be four years, at least,
before we can sail anywhere.

- And you could care less, admit it.
- I will not admit that...

...because it is not true.
- Oh, yeah.

But, you know,
I do think that you could show...

...a little bit more attentiveness
to your son and your stepson...

...who obviously need you.

It's true, Dr. Doback.

You've been very cold
and unsupportive of our dreams.

You wrecked my fucking boat,
you goon!

Don't speak to my son like that.

Your son's costing me $80,000.

We could bicker about this all night,
but what's done is done, Dad.

- Are you guys gonna invest or not?
- That's it! That's it!

- What are you doing?
- Grab the wheel!

I can't believe
you're being so stingy.

- Robert, come down.
- It's a simple business decision.

You jackaloons!

You're failures! Failures!

And you're embarrassing yourself,
you geriatric fuck!

- Brennan.
- Two things:

You keep your liver-spotted hands
off my beautiful mother.

She's a saint!

Then you sit down and you write Dale
and Brennan a check for $ 10,000.

Oh, stop it.

Or I'm gonna shove one of those fake
hearing devices so far up your ass...

- Brennan! can hear the sound...

...of your small intestine
as it produces shit!

- All right, here we go.
- Oh, my Lord.

Somebody should've done this
a long time ago, and I'm gonna do it.

- What are you doing?
- Robert.

There are consequences
for your actions.

- No! Robert!
- Dad!

- This is not the answer.
- You're next, mister.

- You understand me?
- Yes.

- Certain behaviors...
- Let go of me.

...will not be tolerated!
- My ass is on fire!

Wow, the tree looks great, Nancy.
Really tasteful.

Thank you, Dale. That's a very nice
sweater you're wearing.

It was my mom's.
I took the shoulder pads out.

Oh, and, Brennan? Denise called...

...and she said she can't go out
with you on New Year's Eve...

...because she's not your girlfriend,
she's your therapist.

- Is that what she said?
- Yeah.

She's a rascal.

Hey, Dad, Nancy?

Would it be cool if Brennan and I
opened just one present each...

...since it's Christmas Eve?

I'm gonna go down to the
Cheesecake Factory, have a drink.

But it's Christmas Eve.

Merry Christmas.

- Yes.
- Yeah.

I had my eye on one.

I hope it's what I think it is.

Oh, my God. Hulk Hands!

Wait, Dale got Hulk Hands?

Well, you reek of Scotch
and cheesecake.

You know...

...tonight at the Cheesecake Factory
was the happiest I've been in months.

- Well, then I feel very sorry for you.
- Well, just...

Nancy, I don't know if I can ever
forgive them for wrecking my boat.

- Why are you giving up?
- I'm not giving up. I'm not.

- You are. You're giving up on our boys.
- But they're 40.

I don't care how old they are.
They're still our children.

Well, sometime it's got to matter
how old they are.

That's all we do, is...
Oh, sweet Jesus.

Oh, it...
You know, they'll go back to bed.

See? They're sleepwalking.

No. No.

See, back to bed.

They'll be fine.

Just nonsense.
I'm gonna wake them up.

- No. Why would you do such a thing?
- Well, because it's...

- Never, ever wake up a sleepwalker.
- See, that's it.

- We can't ever do anything.
- No.

But they could do real harm
to themselves or others.

- Oh, the Christmas presents.
- No, guys... No, no, don't...

- No. But...
- I think we should take control.

- It's always about them.
- How do you propose to do that?

- Oh, Jesus.
- Whatever you do, don't wake them.

They might do real harm
to themselves or others.

- Not everybody does know that.
- Oh, the Christmas tree!

Oh, not the... No, don't...
All right, that's it!

- I'm waking them up!
- No! No!

- Don't wake them up!
- That's a myth!

- Wake up, both of you.
- Don't.

I told you! I told you!

Stop it! Don't hurt him!

The pictures! Nancy!


I mean, I was driving around
with a buddy of mine, Topher.

You guys remember Topher, right?

Driving around, he has this
brand-new Testarossa, right?

We hit this four-point buck. Dead.
Lying in the road.

Long story short,
we sue the state of Michigan.

I end up getting 125 G's. Okay?
You know what I spent that money on?

Sniper rifle to hunt deer.

Either way, the deers lose,
my friends.

Good riddance.
Eat all the damn flowers, anyway.

If you'll excuse me...

...I think I'm going to go into
the other room to check my hair.

- Excuse me.
- Sorry, everybody.

If you'll excuse
my space-cadet wife here.

Let's just say the meds
aren't helping.

I'm kidding. Kidding. But not at all.

I have to get some more gravy.

- Oh, Dale, it's right there.
- Oh, no.

Shush up, Nancy.
I have to get some more bread.

What did I do to deserve that?

What do any of us do
to deserve anything?

I pay enough taxes to support
all these lazy goddamn liberals.

Get off me! Off!
Get back. Get back! Back!

- What do you want?
- Merry Christmas, darling.

- Merry Christmas.
- Oh, that was torture.

I couldn't eat another bite of turkey
without thinking of you inside of me.

Come on, let's try something illegal.

So, Tommy, what did you
get for Christmas?

Well, Santa brought me the Bowflex
and $ 1000 in fresh-minted $50 bills.

Wanna know what I got
for Christmas? A crushed soul.

- Alice, please.
- Sing along, Santa.

You know this song.

What is that noise?

It's... This is the ghost.

- Just try to be quiet. Okay.
- You're right. You're right.

- We've got to be discreet.
- All right.

No, no! Oh, hey.

Are you all still talking in here?

What are you doing?

Alice was moving a chair from the
living room into the dining room...

...for an extra chair
and her back went out.

And I just did the best thing,
which is get right on the muscles...

- Muscles. they don't seize up.

Just add some heat to it.

Damn it, Dale, sit down.

It's just a real deep, tight muscle.

Hey, sweetie,
can you grab me a beer?

- I'll get you another Heineken.
- Yeah.

Merry Christmas.

And how about you, Tiffany,
what did you get for Christmas?

I got this Mikimoto pearl necklace.

But next year I'm gonna ask
Santa for breast implants...

...because I'm impatient
with my body.

Hey, Tiffany. Wanna know
what I got? A crushed soul.

You mentioned that earlier.

- So good.
- Oh, gosh!

It's gone into a real bad spasm,
so I put a yoga move on her.

- grant me this one,
because I was pretty wasted.

So I put my lips
around that breathalyzer...

...and I saw those numerals pop up:


So I started going to Chad
Michael Murray's Christmas party.

I think that was the year.
And just driving...

I have to interrupt you. Robert, while
the children are in the living room...

...I think this would be a good time
to make our announcement.

- What's going on?
- It's over.

I'm gonna be moving in
with my friend Jack Handle...

...and Nancy found a townhouse
in the city.

What is this? What's happening?

What Robert is trying to say
is that we are getting a divorce.

- Don't do this.
- No. No!

- I could've called this one.
- No.

- Yeah.
- Is it our fault?

- Is it because we were bad?
- No. No.

The main thing that
Robert and I talked about... that we did not want you two
to blame yourselves.

- What can we do to fix it?
- Dale, honey, are you okay?

- Why are you calling him "honey"?
- I cannot stress this enough:

- It is not your fault.
- Whose fault is it?

- Fuck it, I wanna fucking know!
- Let's cut the shit.

- It is directly your fault.
- Robert.

You destroyed my boat.

You beat me up in your sleep...

...and worst of all, you made
Nancy and I resent each other.

- It is absolutely 150 percent your fault!
- Of course it's their fault.

They're the world's biggest dickheads,
and they're living in your house.

- Shut up, Derek.
- I'm sorry, but that...

Please don't cry like that.
Please don't, Brennan.

- Mommy!
- Dale!

I told you that they would feel
completely to blame.

- Oh, let's grow up.
- I think I'm going to throw up.

- I think I'm gonna throw up...
- Don't throw up.

...all the nice dinner that I had.
I'm gonna throw it up.

- You're not gonna throw up.
- He's gonna throw up.

- Come on.
- My God, he threw up. Oh, this is ugly.

- Hey, guys. Guys.
- This is not nice!

- All right, dipshits. Right here.
- Stop it, Derek.

- One, two, three...
- I don't want my picture taken now.

Good luck, and remember, I need you
out of this house by tomorrow.

No exceptions.

If there's anything you need,
anything that you boys need... just give me a call. Okay?
It's all right.

Hey. Are you awake?


I can't believe we actually
have to move out of this house.

I know. I feel bad.

Hey, you know,
we don't have to whisper anymore.

Mom and Dad aren't here.

Yeah, but can we keep
doing it, though?

It helps me pretend that they are.

You must feel just terrible.

- I mean, I know I feel bad.
- Yeah.

But I can't imagine how you feel...

...after my dad looked
right at you and said...'s all your fault
that they broke up.

That's funny, because my mom said:

"If that curly-headed fuck Dale
wasn't here...

...everything would be perfect."

- You take that back.
- No way. It's your fault.

You know what your problem is?

You live in a fantasy land.
You refuse to get a job...

...and you don't know what it's like
to work for something.

You don't take responsibility for
your actions. This is all your fault!

Well, you're a mama's boy
who's too chicken to sing in public!

Yeah, that's right.

Run away, little boy,
because you know it's true.

Just avoid everything.

What are you doing?

- Dale broke up Mom and Dad
- Motherfucker!

Dale broke up Mom and Dad
Dale broke up Mom and Dad

- Dale broke up Mom and...
- Brennan!

Get up, Brennan,
I know you're faking. Get up!

Get up!


It's just like Cold Case Files.
It's just like Cold Case Files.

It's just like Cold Case Files.

People die every day.

Give him a proper burial
in an unmarked grave...

- Brennan! You're alive! Oh, my God.
- I know.

I'm alive.

- You were dead. I saw you die!
- I was faking.

I used ninja focus
to slow my heart rate down.

- What are you doing?
- I'm burying you.

- I'm alive. Brennan, I'm alive.
- You're waking the neighbors!

- Shut up!
- No. No.

- Now I'm gonna play your drum set.
- Help me.

Close your eyes.
Let the dirt just shower over you.

This is your fault.

Oh, I'm exhausted.
I'm gonna sleep good tonight.

- Don't you touch my drums!
- Zombie!

Zombie! Zombie!

Get off me, zombie.

Get off.

I'm late for school.

I will kiss you right on the mouth,
Kenny Rogers.

- Just get off me.
- Hey.

So I guess it's really over.

I'd say you trying to bury me alive
pretty much did it.

You know what I just realized?

You've been the one
dragging me down.

Now I'm gonna go out and I'm gonna
get a job and an apartment...

...and then I'm gonna get Mom
and Dr. Doback back together.

I'm gonna be the hero,
and you can suck on it.

My life was perfect
before you came here.

Me and my dad had a perfect setup,
and you wrecked it.


We're no longer brothers.

We never were.
We were stepbrothers.

- That was one of your best.
- These balls fucking suck.

All right.

Well, well, well,
look who's here, boys.

Can you give me a job, please?

TJ, get an office pool going.

Give Ken-Doll Crotch here
two weeks, tops.

Dr. Angel Face,
I just wanted to say thank you...

...for meeting me
on such short notice.

- Don't call me Angel Face.
- I apologize.

I'm very alone right now, and the thing
I wanna ask you to help me...

To show me how I can be
a grown-up.

Do I carry my
high-school diploma around?

What do you do with your hair?

What happens if there's
inclement weather?

Where do you...?
What do you wear?

Can you wash clothes
in the dishwasher?

I notice that there's a long gap
in your job history...

...and it said for 22 years... went Kerouac
on everyone's ass?

I'm gonna be honest with you.
I really need a job.

And I will take any position,
as long as it doesn't involve...

...having sex with old ladies
for money or bear traps.

- Those are my two bugaboos.
- All right, got it.

There's a catering business,
there's a temp job open.

And you get to play with fire.

What do you want?
This is my online-poker time.

I'm ready to take on
the Catalina Wine Mixer.

Slow down there, Speed Racer.

I know what it entails,
and I'm ready to nail it.

I want it, okay?
I want the Catalina Wine Mixer.

- Yo, yo.
- Hey, D-man.

- You tell him what's up?
- I sure did.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Your brother wants a shot
at the Catalina Wine Mixer.

I'm ready, walking tall.

You're ready to run with the bulls?

I've been earning and burning,
snapping necks and cashing checks.

Screw it, let's let him do it.
It's a win-win for me...

...because if you fuck up, Brennan...
- Yeah?

...I get to fire your ass. But if you pull
it off, I look like a genius to the board.

- Okay?
- I get it.

Brennan, here's the thing.

It's the Catalina fucking
Wine Mixer, okay?

Are you saying "pow"?
What are you saying?

It's the biggest helicopter-leasing
event in the Western Hemisphere...

...since 1997.

- Why does he keep doing that?
- I have to sell or lease... least 80 choppers
to make my nut.

And you mess with my nut, Brennan,
Randy here is gonna eat your dick.

Like Kobayashi.

I've seen him do it.

You've seen him eat a penis?

It was in international waters,
so they couldn't prosecute him.

I tell you now, I'll nail it.
I'll pull it off, okay?

Wait a second,
why do you want this so bad?

Trying to get Mom and Dad
back together or something?

- Why do I want this?
- Yeah.

Because I wanna make bank, bro.
I wanna get ass.

And I wanna drive a Range Rover.

Okay, well, you better, Brennan.

This is the fucking
Catalina Wine Mixer.

Nancy. Hi.

Hi. What are you doing here?

Well, Dale's working the function.

Guys, this is supposed to be jicama,
not bok choy.

Sorry, folks.

And I got an invitation from Brennan.

Can you believe
Brennan put all this together?

And now here we all are in Catalina.

- It's funny, huh?
- Yeah, it's funny.

- Hey, hey, hey.
- Hey.

Not bad. You're nailing it.

- Thanks, Randy. That means a lot.
- Yeah.

I don't know what it is...

...but I wanna deliver one of these
right in your suck hole.

- Is there anything I can do?
- No. Not really. It's your face.

Again, you're doing great, man.
The Catalina Wine Mixer.

We're all having a great time,
having fun.

You pulled it off.
But if you don't change your face...

...l'm gonna change it for you.
- Okay. Okay.

All I can do is take that in,
consider it...

...and I'll just do my best version
of whatever I think that would be.

I don't even hear you,
your face is driving me nuts.

- Thanks again, though.
- Oh, tits. Hold on.

- Hey. Hello, Catalina Wine Mixer.
- Hi.

How are you? We are Uptown Girl.

We are California's preeminent
1980s Billy Joel cover band.

"Piano Man"!

What did I just say, man?

All right, we don't play that... let's keep it in the '80s
and let's keep it fun.

You having a good time?

I hope you are,
because sometimes life can be tough.

And I know that sometimes
it's hard to "Keeping the Faith."

You guys seem to be hitting it off.

Oh, honey.

Oh, my God,
this is the greatest party.

- Hello, Robert.
- Way to go.

- Brennan, this is fantastic.
- Way to go.

So impressed.

- Hi, Dad. Hi, Nancy.
- Hi, Dale.

- Hey, Brennan.
- It's good to see you.

Thanks for hiring
our catering company.

Easy decision. You guys have
a outstanding track record.

- Just like old times, huh?
- Right, it really is.

You still have your
night-vision goggles?

No, no. No, I had to sell those
to pay for car insurance.

How about you?
You still breaking boards...

...or kicking holes in pumpkins
or anything?


But I did start taking baby aspirin
to reduce my risk for heart attack.

That makes sense.
Gotta keep an eye on it, you know.

- Knock off the sweets.
- Thank you.

It's a truly funny observation.


Dale, the empanadas
are starting to sweat.

Okay. I better run.

- It's good to see you, Brennan.
- You too.

- Take care, be well. Take care, Dad.
- Okay, buddy.

- It's great to talk to him.
- Yeah.

I gotta go too.

We should do this again.
I think it was very constructive.

- Maybe grab a bite to eat?
- Sure.

- Go to Outback Steakhouse.
- Okay.

I've grown very fond of that place.

Thank you for coming.

Great to see you.

It was very nice to see you, Robert.

I think Brennan organized this
whole thing to get us back together.

You have to excuse me.
I think that I just might cry.

It's the funniest thing. Bye-bye.

"Start the Fire," buddy!

Come on, man. Play something
from The Stranger!

We strictly do '80s Joel music, sir.

'80s Billy Joel doo-wop sucks!

Hey, listen, motherfucker,
we only sing '80s Joel!

So take your skank hooker wife
and get the fuck out of here!


- What's wrong?
- All right. "What's wrong?"

Get him out of here.
Get his ass out of here!


Hey, great job, fuck face. You just
busted my nut. This party's shot.

Just relax. I didn't realize
he would say these things.

You know what?
You cost me money.

So this isn't even
a judgment call, man.

- You're Audi 5000, my friend.
- Derek, can't we talk about this?


- Hey.
- Shit.

- Is everything okay?
- No. He just fired me.

What happened to the music?

The band left. The guy freaked out.

Derek fired me.

- It's no big deal.
- Robert, you don't get it.

It's the Catalina Wine Mixer!

People have killed
to be in the position I'm in.

- He's right. It's a big deal.
- Here's a thought:

I see an empty stage.

I see drums, I see a drummer.

I see a microphone,
and I see a singer.

- Dad, come on.
- What?

- We gave that stuff up.
- We don't do that.

Listen to me.
Dale, look, when I was a kid...

...when I was a little boy,
I always wanted to be a dinosaur.

I wanted to be a Tyrannosaurus rex
more than anything.

I made my arms short
and I roamed the backyard...

...and I chased the neighborhood cats,
and I growled and I roared.

Everybody knew me
and was afraid of me.

And then one day, my dad said:

"Bobby, you're 17. It's time
to throw childish things aside."

And I said, "Okay, Pop."

But he didn't really say that, he said,
"Stop being a dinosaur and get a job."

But, you know, I thought to myself,
"I'll go to medical school...

...l'll practice for a little while,
and then I'll come back to it."

- Dad...
- How is that a skill?

But I forgot how to do it.

You're human.

- You could never be a dinosaur.
- Yeah.

Hey, I lost it.

- Dad, what's the point?
- Yeah.

The point is
don't lose your dinosaur.

Yeah. You know, I hated
the way you guys were before.

I mean, I hated you.

But it just kills me to see you
so crushed and normal.

Listen to me, don't listen to me...

...Prestige Worldwide,
that's what you gotta do.

- You're saying we should go for it.
- That's what I'm saying.

What do you think, Brennan?

I'm so scared right now.
I'm gonna do what's sensible:

I'm gonna file for unemployment...

...and I'm gonna try to get a job
at Enterprise Rent-A-Car.

Because they got
a excellent corporate structure...

...and they give you the tools
to be your own boss.

My dad's right.

This isn't me.

I'm fucking miserable.
I had to get up at 10:00 this morning.

And even though
I just got a tidal wave of nerves...

...l'm going up on that stage...

...and I'm gonna make beautiful music
for a sad world.

- Dale...
- That's the boy I know.

This crowd's gonna eat him alive.

Wait, what's he doing up there?

Somebody get him
off the fucking stage!

Hi. How you doing?

My name's Dale Doback,
and I hope you like to kick it.

Oh, go get them, Dale!

Boats and ho's

Get off the stage, you dick!

Stop yelling at him.

- Terrible!
- Terrible.

He's a human being.

Dale has a mangina
Dale has a mangina


Gotta have me my boats and ho's

He's up there alone, Brennan.
He's up there alone.

Gotta have me my boats and ho's

- You suck!
- What are you doing, Brennan?

Gotta have me my...

Brennan, no!

- What did you do?
- Oh, Jesus, Nancy.

I couldn't stand to see him like that.
I miss my son.

All right. Let me go for a few bars.
Come in soft, but then finish strong.

- Okay. Hey, Brennan?
- Yeah.

- Thanks for coming up.
- You got it, Dragon.

We got a little change coming up.

It's my main man Brennan.

Boats and ho's

Boats and ho's

- You did it, Derek.
- I made a kite fly.

Brennan, you're the best
big brother ever!

- floor mats. The ones that match
the seats, and I kind of wanted...

I traveled 500 miles
to give you my seed.


Rock the fuck
out of those drums, Dale!

I'm sorry.

- We're Prestige Worldwide!
- Prestige Worldwide!

- Fucking Catalina Wine Mixer.
- It's the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer.

It's the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer.

Brennan, that was sublime.

We are so proud of you both.

- Thank you.
- Incredible.

- Thank you so much.
- Hey.

So I made my quota.
Yeah, we sold a shit-ton of copters.

- That's so good.
- Yeah.

Look, I'm not great at
this Hallmark stuff...

...but, Brennan,
when I look at you now...

...I don't wanna kick you
in the head quite as much.

Thanks, man.

- That was beautiful.
- That was nice.


- What do we do now?
- We could hug.

Yeah, you'd like that, faggot.
Sorry. I'm...


- It's okay.
- Okay.

- That's what we've been looking for.
- That's the ticket.

It's fantastic.

We've never done anything like that,
so you can't expect it to be perfect.

It was good.

- Felt good.
- Gotten close to a hug.

- Hello, Brennan. Hi.
- Denise. Hey.

Robert, Mom, Derek,
this is my girlfriend, Denise.

- Hi. How are you?
- Actually, I'm his therapist.

- We are in absolutely no way dating.
- Right.

Brennan told me he was going to
hurl his body off a helicopter...

...into shark-infested waters... I had a legal obligation
to be here.

I get it.

Don't wanna appear too eager,
and that is a good strategy too.

You are an enabler.
You think you're helping...

...but you're not.
- And you are a keeper.

What'd you think?

Brennan, I thought
you were incredibly brave.

And I mean that... strictly the most clinical
and professional sense possible...

...with no emotional,
intimate, sexual...

...or any other undertones
that you could possibly infer.

God, you're gonna make me cry.

What poem is that from?
Is that James Joyce?


...I like making sex with you.
- Yeah.

I do. But you're also married.

It's over.

This is crazy. I'm a mother.

I have two children,
I have a husband, a beautiful home.

- I can't be fucking around with you.
- It was fun. It was fun, right?

- It was fun while it lasted.
- I'm glad. All right, well, good luck.

- No.
- Oh, my God, Dale!

- Please don't leave me.
- Oh, my God. Look at that whale.



So I was with Seal...

...and we were just taking a chopper
up to Everest base camp...

...and the plot to my Sherpa...
- Derek. Derek.

- Sorry. Okay.
- Remember, we talked about this.

Dale, Brennan.
Tell me about the karaoke business.

Really great, Dad.
Yeah. We call it Karaoke 'n' Roll.

We got six bars, three restaurants,
and two more wanna sign up.

- So it's booming.
- Fantastic.

Most karaoke it's,
"Open to everyone.

- Hey, just get up and have fun."
- Not you guys.

If you can't sing, just sit down.
That's our motto.

- It's the big leagues.
- You guys are doing so great.

Guys, I have a little Christmas
surprise for Dale and Brennan.

- You wanna see it?
- Yes!

- You bet!
- Let's go look at it! Come on.

- Don't peek.
- I smell cookies.

Be patient. No, no. No, no.

- Just a piñata, isn't it?
- Be patient. Be patient.

- Be patient.
- Did you get me a tiger, Dad?

Okay, open your eyes.

Merry Christmas.

Holy shit!

Dad, I can't believe
you put the boat in the tree!

This is amazing!

- It's The Gilded Lady. She lives!
- I can't believe it.

- How'd you get it up here?
- Oh, Robert, it's so great.

- Pirate hats!
- Pirate hats!

- Hustlers!
- Hustlers!

Dad, that was so thoughtful!

- Crossbows!
- Crossbows!

You guys finally came to your senses
and got us something cool.

You both know this is
completely fucked up, right?

- Yeah.
- Of course.

But Brennan sure can wear the shit
out of that pirate hat.

- Chewbacca masks!
- Chewbacca masks!

It's okay that mine's
not movie-quality.

But he's like, "No, because you drove
my car last week, so I can't get it."

So I'm like "You're gonna buy it for me
or I'm gonna sock you in the mouth."

Oh, shit.

Well, if it isn't Dale Doback
and his little butt buddy.

Sticks and stones
may break my bones...

...but I'm gonna kick you repeatedly
in the balls, Gardocki!

Let's get them!

- Where do you think you're going?
- Home.

- We got something to show you.
- Come on.

- You see that white dog crap?
- Do you see it?!

- Yeah.
- Not too fun down there, is it?

- No.
- You see?

Your actions have consequences!

When you oppress people,
they rise up in a fiery anger!

Go home.

We're not like you.
We're grown-ups, motherfucker!

Say hi to your dad.
We went to high school together.

The cops'll be here soon.

I guess this is what it feels like
to be grown up.


Can I ask you something?

Yeah, of course.

You know back when
you first moved in?


- Did you touch my drum set?
- No, I didn't.

No, really, I won't get mad.
I just wanna know.

No, I know.
You said you wouldn't get mad.

I'm saying I didn't do it.
I didn't do it, I never did it.

- Then I owe you an apology.
- No.

No, you don't, at all.

Why wouldn't you take an apology
if you didn't do it?

Just because I'm cool.
It doesn't matter.

You got my passport.

I'm good.

Don't worry, not gonna be late.
Don't worry.

Special thanks to SergeiK.