Taking Care Of Business Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Taking Care Of Business script is here for all you fans of the Jim Belushi movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Taking Care Of Business quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Taking Care Of Business Script

I live for the World series, right?

I grew up in California,
so I follow the Angels.

But I was born in Chicago, right?
so I don't know who to root for!

The Angels or the Cubs.

If I say Angels, my dad'll kill me.
If I say Cubs, my friends'll kill me.

I just can't wait!
so I've got seats behind home plate.

...closed at 23 and MKR Industries
closed up at 48.

It's a warmer 53 October degrees
in Chicago this morning.

We have early morning low clouds
which should be clearing midday,

and we should see a high of 65.

But for now, let's return
to early morning classics.

You're like a case study
in obsessive behaviour.

l'm shaving.

And l'm messing up
your shaving schedule.

Just tell me you are not going
to do any work this weekend.

l promise, no work.

Last weekend was an emergency.
This weekend it's you and me

and Lake Winnebago,
and l can't wait.

Do you realise how long it's been?

Let's see.


As l recall...
it was very good.



- Oh, my God!
- Yes!

- Oh, my God!
- Yes!

- Oh, my God!
- Yes!

promise me one more thing.

l won't bring my filofax. l promise.

The hometown fans need to
rally behind our Angels.

I'll be down there to greet them
and I urge you to join me

in welcoming them home
tomorrow morning at lAx.

For one fan I have an added incentive.

cream of shit, seven days a week.

...correctly, two tickets to game sunday in Anaheim will be yours.

so, in honour of the Cubs, it's ''What
two Cubs pitched no-hitters in 197 2?''

milt pappas. burt hooton.


Oh, man, guys!

Whatcha going to do when you get out?

Get arrested!

l wouldn't leave you guys
alone here, would l?

come on, speech!

here's to the cubs
winning the World series.

And to big tits!

hey, Warden!

how you doing?

Gentlemen, this is
an unauthorised festivity.

These guys are just throwing
a going-away party, nothing big, special.

Well, it's over.

pull that banner down.

mr Dworksi, this is a prison.

not a discotheque.

You're my responsibility until
your release time sunday night at 6:00.

That's 60 hours.

Yes, sir.

Thank you.

before he gets out of here,
l'll burn that troublemaker.

Don't worry about it, Jimmy!

We're still looking for a winner
for those tickets to game 6.

now, this morning's question again,

''What two Cubs pitched
no-hitters in 197 2?''

The number to call, 555-77 20.

They're giving tickets away
to the World series.

Yeah, so?

so... 555-7720! 555-7720.

breathe, breathe. That's great!

Don't forget my frozen yogurt, baby.

can l use the phone?

- Goodbye, Yolanda.
- Bye, honey.

- sure thing.
- bye, Yolanda. Thank you.

- t ou're on the air.
- On the air?

- What's your name?
- jimmy dworski.

- Where are you calling from?
- l'm calling from... my car.

All right! now go for the tickets.
What do you think?

Yes, for the tickets.
milt pappas, burt hooton.

hooton and pappas.
t ou got a winner! That's what you got!

t es, sir. Meet me at los Angeles Airport
tomorrow morning at 9:00 a.m.

l won! l won! l won!
l'm gonna see the cubs!

he hopes the sale of the fifth
will be easier

now that they've been widely advertised.


This is such a shock.

Ah, that's part of business, spencer.

Listen, what do you know
about the high quality foods account?

l read this morning that
sakamoto's Japanese syndicate

bought high quality
and 86ed the GpG Agency.

That's a huge account. huge account!

spencer, l want it.

l need you to take my place this weekend.

- This weekend?
- You're going to L.A.

You're going to pitch our ideas
for their new national campaign.

something dynamic.
something with pretty girls.

something wrong?

Elizabeth and l were going to Wisconsin...

sakamoto is flying out
just to see our campaign.

They'll work through the weekend.
You'll meet him at the malibu Tennis club.

sort of a ''get to know you'' kind of game.

lt'll be a strategy review meeting
with the president.

Diane connors.

she's a nightmare.

but you compliment her left and right,
you be very nice to her.

You kiss her ass.

- my wife and l were going to Wisconsin...
- lf you pull this thing off...

you're looking at a senior vice-presidency.

l'll cancel it.

- Good one!
- very good.

Warden, this is the first time in my life
that l've ever had good luck.

l only got two days left.

Jimmy, please.

besides, if l let you go,
l'd have to let everybody go.

lf l let everybody go,
this isn't a prison, it's a country club.

l understand.
That's a good point, but you know

it's the cubs in the World series.
lt's a dream of mine, sir.

l know, l know.

All right, l'm not gonna stand
in the way of anybody's dream, Jimmy.

- l'll tell you what...
- What?

lf l sink this putt, you can go.

- What do you think of that?
- keep your head down,

arms straight, drop your shoulder,
concentrate, focus.

Think of the hole,
get the ball in the hole.

smell the hot dogs, the crack of the bat,
the roar of the crowd.

You can order your tickets now.

Oh, shit! shit, shit, shit!

Look, l'm sorry,
l know l deserve those 36 months.

but l've been good, l haven't hurt anybody,
l've been good in here.

mostly, a lot.

37 counts of Grand Theft Auto.

l like cars. You like cars.
people like cars.

You've been in and out of here
for 1 0 years.

A half a day. l'll make it up when
l come back. l'll give you two weeks.

Ok, l'll give you two weeks solitary.

no can do.

Lighten up, will ya?
This game is so important to me.

This is just a minimum security prison,
for christ's sake.

l mean, a maximum minimum security
prison. lt's a tough prison.

Take away his Tv privileges.

You can't take away my Tv.
l gotta watch the game!

please don't be an asshole, all right?

Did you call me an asshole?

- l didn't call him an asshole, did l?
- Yep.

Take away everyone's Tv privileges
and let them know whose fault it is.

no one is gonna watch the game.

no, you can't...

- no one watches the game!
- l didn't mean to call you an asshole.

That's not what l meant.
l meant asswipe!

And you, you look like an asshole!

You look like another asshole!

mr. bentley's address is at the top
of the yellow page.

The key to his malibu beach house
and instructions for the alarm system

are in these clear pouches. business notes
and itinerary in the blue section.

high quality foods sales information
in the red section.

You'll keep the ad art
in your suitcase.

l have you on a 5:00 a.m. flight.
sleep on the plane.

Limo will pick you up at 8:45.

Tennis meeting at 1 1 :1 5.

Drinks with Diane connors at 6:30.

You'll spend all day sunday
at high quality.

Your filofax is all set,
so it should be smooth sailing.

Thanks, brenda.

l cancelled your vacation.

Elizabeth is gonna kill me.

shall l send flowers again?



Lots of balloons.

Elizabeth, no, don't!
You love balloons!

l have no choice.
What would you have said? no?

maybe you would have said no, but this
could mean a senior vice-presidency.

he's been dangling that
senior vice-presidency at you for years.

- This is different.
- Again?

Don't you see?

he could have chosen clay or chris
or richard, but he chose me.

Where are you going?
l've worked hard to work this hard.

l'll go to LA, get this account, and the day
l get back we'll leave for hawaii.

l'll ask Walter for a whole week off!

l promise.

Elizabeth... All right.

- Where will you be?
- A hotel.

What hotel?

All right!

l hate that son of a bitch.

That warden's a son of a bitch.
And l hate him!

Jimmy, man, out of sight!

l can't believe
he isn't letting us watch the game.

Did he do that golfin' shit with you?

- Yeah.
- l hate that shit!

We can't let him push us around.

There's hundreds of us,
ain't but one of him.

Yeah... Let's kill him.

J.b., you are such an eloquent spokesman
for the minimum security system.

shut the fuck up, hamilton!

We don't need violence.
What we need is organisation.

A work stoppage maybe?

Out of here!

- Oh, Jimmy, man, beautiful!
- nice one, James!

- hamilton's right.
- What?

l'm going to the World series!
l'm going to the World series!

You break out,
you'll get 1 6 months mid-security.

l'm going to the World series,

where the chicago cubs are gonna beat
the california Angels.

They'll search your ass down, man.
You won't even get to the game.

not if they don't know l'm gone.
not if we strike!

You guys wanna help me out?

You guys wanna watch the game,
party all weekend or what?

The cubs are gonna win the World series!

And l'll be there!

You're down the aisle and to the left.

nice filofax.

Thank you. Thanks a lot.

spencer barnes?

spencer barnes?

Debbie Lipton!

Ashcroft high!


- how are you?
- Oh, God.

Oh, my God!
lt's good to see you. You look good.

You used to cheat off me in history.

That's right!

You got me into
chicago community college.

You did, thank you.

so, are you two together?

no? because my seat's over there.

Why don't we switch
so spencer and l can reminisce?

- Great!
- Ok.

- l've got a lot of work.
- lt's Ok, l'll help you!

- This is an event.
- no problem.

- l'm happy to.
- You mind? l don't mind!

You never know when
you'll bump into people.

no. lt's amazing.

Great! l love the window!

- so, how are you?
- Oh, l'm...

You know l'm in makeup?

l was in chicago
for a moisturiser convention.

so, what have you been up to
for the last 25 years? What?

- They've barricaded themselves inside.
- What the hell do they want?

To watch the World series.

They've taken Jimmy Dworski hostage,
and won't let him go till after the game.

- They love Dworski!
- not since you took away their Tv.

Ah, shit!

To watch the game, huh?
All right...

This is the warden!

This is the warden!

cool it, it's the warden!

What the hell's going on?

Warden! Is that you?

This is me.

This is j.B.
We got a list of demands for you.

First, we want a refrigerator in every cell.

And oatmeal cookies
every Tuesday and Thursday.

We want a laptop computer for hamilton.


And we're gonna watch
the World series game!

And if you come in here,
we're gonna kill dworski.

help me, man. help me.

They've got me tied up, man.
They're gonna kill me.

I don't want to die!

I'm scared! help!

hear that?

We're not gonna surrender, Warden,
until after the game.

Take me out to the ball game

Take me out to the crowd

Then l got divorced again last year,
but everyone saw that one coming.

Alan worked for nAsA,
but he was no rocket scientist.

now l'm on the prowl.
lt's hard to find a good man.

Yeah... Yeah!

l gotta shop here more often.


Do you have a favourite designer?

You should. mine's carl Lagerfeld.
l think he's great.

lt's the Angels.

Oh, my God!

l love baseball players.
They're so big.

here you go, Jimmy.
congratulations. Enjoy the game.

Any words to the Angel fans
out here, Jimmy?

Yeah, stu.

cubs are gonna kick butt! Yeah!

Where is he?

- need a ride, spencer?
- no, thanks. l'm being met.

There's a reason
we were on that flight together.

We were both going to LA.

l'm talking about karma, spencer.

About infinite possibility.

About us.

l understand about this natalie person.


All l'm saying is,
l think you're on the rebound.

no, l'm happily married, honestly.

All l'm saying is...

l'm your friend in LA.
l want you to have my number.

- Thanks.
- Don't be afraid to call me.

Thanks a lot.


- l appreciate it.
- call me.


Ah, no...

The white zone is for loading and
unloading of passengers only.

no parking.

You've reached the barnes' residence.
please leave a message.

Elizabeth, l just want to say
l love you.

l miss you already
and l'm really sorry.

l'm in the terminal
and l love you very much.

l'll try to be better.

l love you very much.
Talk to you soon.

- hello?
- brenda, listen, my luggage is lost.

The car's not here.
l can't be late for these meetings.

t ou're lucky you caught me.
I'm on my way out.

hold on, I have to get the limo number.

l see him! l'll talk to you later.

Driver! chauffeur driver!


Yeah, baby, yeah.

no, l swear l wasn't cheating on you.

no, it was just a friend.

1 ,000 reward?

1 ,000 bucks!

What the hell's wrong with you?

We're not getting any younger!

This is a mess.

- hello.
- spencer.

how are you feeling?

rotten. When you play tennis
with sakamoto, lose.

he's really competitive.

Your losing will show respect.


That's great because l'm going
to be tested... for a bypass.

Oh, Walter, a bypass?

now don't worry, spencer.

You get the account and l'll live.

consider it done.

- bye.
- goodbye.

- have you seen my filofax?
- nope.

Oh, my God! my life is in there.

meet me at the terminal!

l can't. l've got
an important pickup in 45 minutes.


This guy's loaded!



- have a nice day!
- lf the cubs win, it'll be a great day.

The flintstones must live here.

big lake!

Yes, sir!

surf's up!

Ok, thank you.

membership has its privileges.

They Oked your credit
even without your card.


- Today's not your day.
- Why?

lt's the World series weekend
and we're all out of cars.

no, l must have a car!

ln 20 minutes, l have
the most important business meeting.

l must have a car. Anything, please!

- Well, there is one.
- l'll take it!

- but it's due for body work.
- That's all right. Let me have it.

''spencer barnes.''

credit cards.

more credit cards.

Lots of credit cards.

phone numbers.

power words.






Alarm instructions?

All right.

Yeah! sweet.


l'm on fuckin' dynasty.

Yeah! All right!


That's a weird couch.

l bet the chicks dig this place.

...at the Milton K. prochik
Correctional Facility for a live update

on the World series strike.

no violence has yet been reported.

still, this minimum security prison
World series strike

could be the most unique
human interest story of the year.

To get a better assessment,
let's talk with the warden,

Mr. Frank Toolman, at
the Milton K. prochik Correctional Facility.

let me get your appraisal
of what's going on here.

This is not a serious situation.
It does not call for violence.

They're men of good will
and we're currently talking.

so, there's no reason for violence.

This is relaxing.

not at all. It's indicative
of a slight miscommunication.

We're currently in negotiations.
The situation will be under control soon.

l don't think so!

A small demand. small concession.

t ou're certain the situation
can be handled without violence?

Don't move.

- Yeah?
- Airline, l got your luggage.

my luggage?

You spencer barnes?

That's me.

Great. nice place.

no shit.

Excuse me?

pardon me!

Excuse me?

could you direct me
to the san Diego freeway?

Yeah... Go two blocks down
and take a right.

Two blocks down and take a right?

Thanks a lot.

l appreciate it. Thanks a lot.

- no money?
- l lost my filofax. l lost all my money.

he's clean, man.

- no money?
- no money.

What? no!


man, l need to get one of these in my cell.

sometimes he's the most loving guy,

and sometimes he's inconsiderate
of my feelings.

Talk to him.

But tell him that you
really would like to have

a straightforward talk
and see what the results would be.

I tried, I really tried.

he's a very hard person to talk to.

I really love him...

Ditch him. find a better guy.

Confront him in an honest way.

Be straightforward and talk.

By ignoring your situation,

you are lying to yourself.

If this really matters to you,

get it clear in your head
what you want to say.

Then tell him.
don't play games.

not bad.

I think you're right.
Maybe I just haven't been honest.

This guy is worth it.

spencer barnes, where are you?

- spencer barnes.
- hi, ned bradford.

Junior vp, high quality foods.

mike stewart, assistant to the president.
lt's a pleasure.

- so, you ready for the big game?
- Yeah, l won two tickets!

Walter wanted to get these
to you as soon as possible.

l think there's a high quality girl
in there.

These are high quality girls, all right.
check this one out.

nice, huh?

sakamoto wants
to choose the girl himself.

but l'm sure he's curious to hear you
dimensionalise once you meet them.

me? l get to meet these girls?

You get to meet all of them.

l got a great fucking job, don't l?

Listen, we ought to get going.

You know how important punctuality
is to mr sakamoto.

You really should put on your togs.


This is gonna be fun, guys.

Don't go away.

Togs? What the hell are togs?


Where the hell are my togs?

Oh, my God.

We're happy with the new plan.

With expanded exposure, we're confident
we can increase our net-net by 30%%.


- What about the new slogans?
- first-rate, phenomenal.

superlative. Diane is very anxious
to hear them. so is big sak.

- big mac?
- no, mr. sakamoto.

- What's up?
- Glad to meet you, mr. barnes.


Where are the girls?

l thought we could meet the girls now
and play ball later.

Tennis now. business later.

l haven't checked out tennis in a while.

modesty. An admirable quality.

l can't play worth a shit.

That's good.
remember, this is client tennis.

You ready for a little action?

You bet your ass l am.

spencer, we're on this side.

Tennis relaxes the nerves.

prepares us for better business.

may the best man win.

Good catch!

slippery handle!

nice catch.

l got it, just give me a second.

l'm up to bat.

You need any talc?


Ok, shoot!

Defective shot!

All right. Let's play ball!

This is a disaster.
Everything was in my filofax.

my schedule, my sales charts.

l don't even have Walter's number.
he's unlisted.

my money, my credit cards.

l knew you'd call. l got home,
looked at the phone and said, ''ring.''

lt did. When the operator said,
''collect call from spencer barnes,''

my face lit up.

lf Walter hears how l screwed up,

he'll have another heart attack.
Then imagine the guilt!

california's so romantic.
Wanna go for a walk on the beach?

l've got a meeting to go to.

l've gotta face these people empty-handed.
l can't even remember the slogans.

spencer, l used to have a crush on you.


Learn how to drive. sorry.

l don't know. sometimes,
l lose control of myself.

l've been going through
a rough period lately, spencer.

my dog maybelline died recently.

she was so outgoing... and intelligent.

she was... here, l've got this picture.

she was a capricorn.

lsn't she sweet?

- she doesn't even look sick.
- That's an old picture.

Let me cook dinner for you.
lt'll be a blast.

come on... please!

This is not a good time.

- Why?
- Do you know how to get to malibu?


l got it!

- l'm bad. l'm really bad.
- Don't you think we ought to lose?

- Lose? Why?
- because sakamoto wants to win.

so do l, mike.

come on, l'm bad.

Triple set point.

- What happened?
- We won.

We won?

We won!

Well played, sir.

- Good match, mr. barnes.
- Thank you.

until this afternoon.

What's with mr. Attitude?

- has he never lost before?
- not to an employee.

mr. spencer barnes!

- me!
- Telephone.

phone, yes.

- Telephone, huh?
- for you, sir.

l wonder who it could be.

- Yeah, what's up?
- Thank god I found you.

Walter's under anaesthetic.
We have an emergency.

honey nut Bakery needs
their new slogan immediately.

I know Walter had something in mind,
but I can't remember what.

check out those buns!

great. Thanks.



Thanks a lot.

- You're not free for dinner?
- l'm sure.

- Thanks a lot.
- have fun.

- sorry!
- Watch it.

l almost lost this baby.

We have children in this house.

- Broken glass is...
- Excuse me.

could you help me?

Oh, of course l can.

here's a dollar.

might be some leftovers
behind the restaurant.


no, l was mugged.

l'm spencer barnes with bentley
Advertising. l'm here for a tennis date.

Your party just left.


- ls there a problem?
- Yes.

- l'm spencer barnes.
- really? You're spencer barnes?

some very important materials in a
suitcase were sent to mr. bentley's house.

- l must have his address.
- l'm not authorised...

- This is urgent!
- search the rolodex, l'll break your arms.

- You'll break my arms?
- That's right.

for your information, spencer barnes
was here and he just left.

for your information, he's still here
'cause l'm spencer barnes.

- ls that right?
- That's right.

That's right!

Take it outside!

Anyway, l get home
and harold is sitting in his chair.

not saying a word.

he's watching Tv,
sitting like a turtle.

l say to him, ''hello, harold!''

he didn't answer.

finally l say to him, look, harold,
it's been this way for a month.

he says to me finally, ''Tuna fish.''

Tuna fish, he's talking
about my damn tuna fish.

holy shit!



You must be spencer.

spencer? That's what they call me.

hi, l'm Jewel. l'm Walter's daughter.

l just got off the phone with my father.
he's looking for you.


Well, l'm here.

Yeah, there you are.

l'm just gonna swim a little bit,
so don't mind me.

no, l don't mind you.

Thank you, God!

Wow, this feels great!

Water, you know.

- Wanna join me?
- me?

sure! Yeah!

- hi.
- hi, can l help you?

l've never seen this office.
l just wanted to say hello. Walter bentley.

lra breen. club accountant.

pleasure to meet you.

so, you're the one who sends me the bills?

That's me.

That's a beauty.

Yeah, this is the nEc powermate Two.

286 cpu, two 8-bit full-size slots.

40 mb internal tape drive back-up,
40 mb hard drive?


Wow! You really know your stuff!

Do you mind? can l just take a look?

not at all.

- This is a real treat.
- lt's a real treat for me.

no one ever comes in here.

boy, we got a lot of members!

There l am!

Excuse me.

lra breen. club accountant.


can l ask you something?

- honestly.
- sure.

What do you think about my father?

l don't know.
l never really think of him.

This heart attack thing
has really made me think.

Just about the big picture,
about how superficial our relationship is.

he's so involved in his work.

lt's like he doesn't even know who l am.

And if l ever sound unhappy,
he sends me a check.

- A check?
- Well...

- Why don't you try talking to him?
- no one talks to my father.

You know that.

he sits and does all the talking.

Try confronting him in a honest way.

be straightforward and true.

With Walter bentley?

by ignoring your own situation,
you're only lying to yourself.

lf it really matters to you,

get it clear in your head
what you want to say and say it.

Don't play games.

You think?

There is something
very different about you.

Yeah, there is.

l don't know what it is,

but you're not the typical anal
yuppie l guess l was expecting.

Definitely not.
l've never been one of the those.

- What are you doing for dinner?
- Dinner?

- You've got plans.
- for dinner? plans? no way.

l don't even have one plan.

l'm available.

Great. so... pick me up at 8:00?

8:00 would be great!



hi. ls spencer there?

sure. hang on a second.
spencer? spencer!

l'm busy.

he's in a Jacuzzi.
can he call you back?

What's he doing... Listen,
would you tell him it's Elizabeth

and l'm returning his call
and l'd like to speak to him now?

hang on.

spencer, it's Elizabeth.

Tell her l'll call her back.

he's gonna have to call you back.

Tell him not to bother.

You have no idea how grateful l am.
Thank you very much.

l was just leaving the house,
about to close the door...

and l thought of you.

Just then, the phone rang.

l'm telling you, it's karma.

This is an unbelievable offer,
an unbelievable offer of quality

and craftsmanship for you
and your family.

Are you ready?
just 999.00.

grab the credit cards. 999.00.

Can you believe what I just said?

If you've got a credit card,
you'd be crazy not to call now.

For a limited time, we'll call it
our World series special.

We'll deliver almost anywhere
in just 2 4 hours.

Yes, hello.

l'd like to buy that big screen Tv.

can that be delivered?

Yes, california county Jail.

care of Lebradford brown, please.

American Express.

37 1 2...


Thank you.

Lebradford'll love this.

holy shit.

God, l love running on sand.

how you doing?

- how's it going, man?
- Great.

boy, you guys look benevolent.

- Thanks.
- ls that yours?

That's beautiful.

Let's go for a beer.

We can't, really.
We don't have time.

shall we?

shall we what?

- We've got a meeting.
- This is getting complicated.

You ought to put your suit on.
Diane's pretty compulsive about her time.

l'd love to go, guys,
but l've got a hot date.

- A date?
- With a chick.

We understand you do things
a little differently.

Ted and l like it, but if you miss
this meeting, it's business suicide.

l'll be in deep shit?


- l get to ride in that?
- Yeah.

homies, l'll be back in a sec.


Yes, sir. uh-huh.

hmm... no. hmm... no.

no, no, no, no... yes.

spencer barnes... You look first-rate.



And benevolent.

fuckin' A, man.

...five four.


Thanks a lot, Debbie.

- sure you're not free for din-din?
- no, l really am.

next time, l promise.

lf you change your mind, l work
at the cosmetic counter at l magnin.

- l take lunch between 1 :00 and 2:00.
- Goodbye!

Ask for susan.
susan will come get me.

Wait! l'm here!

come back! l'm here!

Oh, no!

l'll kill him!

- hello?
- spencer!

- Walter!
- l told you to lose to sakamoto.

l heard you beat him
in three straight sets.

That wasn't me!

What do you mean?
Take responsibility.

lt was somebody else.

Yes, and he's been screwing up.
l'm getting chest pains.

Go out and get that account, damn it!

Walter, let me explain...


man, l don't know.

- What's the matter? You nervous?
- kind of.

Don't worry about Diane.

- be yourself.
- Like us.

Diane. ls philip there, please?

l'll be with you in a minute.

This one?

l don't want excuses,
l want results.

- l want you to finish that report...
- can l get you a drink?

- l'll have a gimlet.
- same.

Do you have that tequila
with the worms in it?

- no.
- Then l'll have a gimlet.

very good, sir.

be in touch.

l told you to proof-read this.

There are two spelling errors,
the columns are off,

and the staple is vertical not horizontal.

spencer barnes, Diane connors.

- l've heard good things.
- right.

l like your strategy.

beating the owner of the company
in tennis. smart way to get attention.

l was just trying to win.

We're all trying to win.

When l heard you beat sakamoto,
l knew l was gonna like you.

mr sakamoto.

Good Evening, ms connors.

hey, big sak!
What's up, man?

l've never had such
a competitive opponent.

You play an unusual game of tennis.

unusual, but effective.

You're not so bad yourself.

You gotta choke up on that racket.

Let's get down to business, shall we?

now bentley is in first place
to take over our national ad campaign.

now, here's the deal, spencer.

friday's close was at 56.
One of the most active stocks traded.


l don't smoke,
but a couple of my friends do.

mind if l take some?

Thank you.

my point is this:

As well as we're doing,
we want to do better.

The bottom line after all is... money.

l'd like to propose a toast.

To international business, good
commercial relations between all countries,

and to the healthy future
of high quality foods

thanks to sakamoto Enterprises and
to bentley Advertising!

hear, hear!

A toast to competitiveness,
good management,

profit and honesty.

- spencer, do a toast.
- sure.

A toast...

To the cubs winning the World series
and big tits.

l'm sure you're familiar
with our last campaign.


high quality Foods
The best there is

l watch Tv all the time.

We've been using that for years.
We are looking for a new image.

And we love what bentley did
for kerry's cookies.

honesty is the key to success.

l want an honest campaign.

honesty? That's good.

Are you familiar
with high quality's products?

l eat the stuff every day.

- What is your opinion?
- honestly?

l think your oatmeal sucks.
nobody likes it.

lt tastes like dirt.
chewy dirt.

Your bologna tastes like rubber.

You have to smother it with mustard,
so you don't taste it.

but not your mustard
'cause your mustard tastes like shit.

Your frosted flakes have half the sugar
that Tony the Tiger's does.

And your bread just rips apart.

Just try spreading peanut butter
on it... right in your hands.

not your peanut butter 'cause it sucks.

l don't think this is a good idea.

- he asked me.
- ms connors...

what do you think about what he's saying?

lt's outrageous. lf this is your idea
of a joke, l don't find it funny.

no, l'm just being honest.

- You've been honest enough.
- no, please. Go on.

ls there anything
about high quality foods you like?

Your potato chips are pretty good,
but then again l like greasy food.

lt's not bad that you sell cheap stuff.

not everybody can afford
a 3.00 box of fruit Loops.

but you shouldn't call it
high quality foods, 'cause it isn't.

big sak, if you want to be honest,
you should call it Low quality foods.

but you don't want to do that...

Why don't you try calling it
something like Affordable foods.

Or change the ''best there is'' thing to,

''high quality food
because you can afford it.''

Or make your food really great,
then you can say,

''Eat this because everybody
deserves high quality foods.''

how dare you insult our product.

mr. sakamoto, l am so sorry.
This is ridiculous.

l've never seen anything
so unprofessional.

Well, maybe l'm just not good
at these kinds of meetings.

All right?

l got a hot date.
l'm out of here.

nice tits.

l'm out of here also.
nice chi-chi.

l've got the nurses' station.

Get me Walter bentley on the phone now!




hey, chico!

Take care of her.

l'll take care of her.

l haven't robbed anyone.
l've been robbed.

Look at me.
Do you think l dress this way?

- l'm an executive.
- 383.

l'd sue for false arrest,
but l'd probably end up in the electric chair.

One comb.

- Listen, l need a ride.
- shoelaces.

hello. Earth to Little Abner.
l need a ride.

- We're not a taxi service.
- One piece of paper.

Oh, God.

God, Debbie, l'm so sorry.

Don't be silly.
lt was good to hear your voice again.

l got to cancel my credit cards,
l got to call high quality foods.

l got to call Elizabeth.
l need to go back to Walter's in malibu.

- please take me there.
- first, l'm making us dinner.

no! l have to get back there right now.


l am not moving until you say yes.


so, then... mitch tells me he's married.

Obviously, he was not the man for me.

no way.

he thought he could control me.

l felt like...
like l was in prison.

- man, l know that feeling.
- Yeah?

Trapped, lonely.

frustrated. You're stuck inside.

You don't know how you got there,
but you're there.


l was in a relationship like that recently.

lt lasted about three years.

controlled by one person,
who could be so cruel.


All you want to do is experience
the things you can't reach.

Like a baseball game or a...
a dinner with a pretty girl.

l'm... shy.

- You wouldn't know it.
- somehow, l...

l feel free.

l feel... open.

l feel sexy.


check, please.

As we await the sixth and
possibly final game of the World series,

unless authorities decide
to forcibly remove the inmates

from their barricaded prison cells,

tomorrow while you're sitting at home
watching the game...

These pants fit before
my cauliflower and radish diet.

- Thanks a lot.
- l was a fashion disaster.

l'd lost 70 pounds.
Gained back 20, lost 1 0.

l used to be on an avocado diet
before l found out they were fattening.

Did you know that?
You see them in health food stores.

You never think of them as bad for you,
but they're very fattening.

Then l started working
as a beauty consultant.

You're so tense.
Take a deep breath.

come on, take a real deep breath.

lsn't that good? feel better?

lt's amazing what a little bit
of make-up can do.

lt can make anybody look beautiful.

Guess l'm a people person.

lt's the oven.


Damn it, Elizabeth.
Where are you?

l hope you don't feel uncomfortable,
my being Walter's daughter.

no... no. no.




You're the first man l've gone out with
that hasn't tried to jump on me.

l am?

Where is everybody?

A little burned but edible, l think.

We can't put the phone down
for a minute, can we?

- What?
- You should get that.

lt could be my father.

- Your father! Where?
- no, the phone.

The phone.


hello, who's this?

- Who do you want to speak to?
- spencer.

- This is spencer.
- spencer who?

Who am l speaking to?

he's there.

l need you to drive me to Walter's.

- You'll feel better after you've eaten.
- he's there!

but we were just starting
to get funky.

- l need you to drive me right away.
- how about after dinner?

- no, l've got to go immediately.
- Oh, spencer!

You know, all you've done
since l met you is complain.

l can't take it anymore.

l've been your chauffeur and your cook.

- And your shrink!
- Debbie, really...

l don't know what's happened to you
since high school,

but you've become
this selfish, materialistic creep.

- l need a ride.
- Get out!

- What?
- Get out!

l never want to see you again! Get out!

And after you've dry cleaned those pants,
l want them back!


Oh, my God.

- lt's raining.
- Yeah.


- l guess...
- l had a fabulous time.

best safe sex l've ever had.

l had a fabulous time too.
l haven't had that much fun...

in two years, eleven months,
three weeks and five days.

l would stay but l feel uncomfortable
sleeping in my dad's bed.

l don't.

he's got so many pillows.

- Are you sure l can take your rolls?
- Yeah, it's just a loaner.

l guess l better...


You think you'd like to go to the
World series with me tomorrow, maybe?

l'd love to!

- You want to go?
- l'd love to go.

That's great.

l think...

l think l'm getting wet.

- You better go inside.
- l'll meet you here about 1 2:00?

1 2:00. park it around here, all right?

- You come here.
- Ok.




l'll kill you!

What the hell's the matter with you?
l was doing you a favour.

l busted my ass for you.

- All because of this little thing.
- Give me that!

Take it. Just give me my reward
and l'm out of here.

reward? Are you crazy? l should
sue you for everything you've got!

l'd like to see that.
l got nothing.

Excuse me.

- hello?
- hello, spencer? It's me, Ted.

lt's for you.

- hello?
- spencer?

- Yes?
- It's Ted.

hi, Ted.

I'm sure it's no surprise to you but diane's
officially turned down your agency.

- What?
- Mike and I are sorry it didn't work out.

- We really liked you.
- Get me Diane!

Well, after that meeting
she won't take your calls, ever.

Damn it!

You said you were me.

You beat sakamoto at tennis.

You blew it with Diane connors!

- That chick's a witch.
- l'll kill you!

You look like shit.

That hurt.

- l didn't lose your filofax, you did.
- l'll kill you!

now just calm down.

- You ruined my life.
- l've been looking after you.

And you keep yelling at me.

Just give me my World series tickets
back and l'm out of here.

World series tickets?

Yeah, they're in your book.

Give me my tickets, man.

- These are the tickets?
- Yes.

- You must be a big baseball fan.
- l am.

can't wait to go to the World series.
Listen to me.

You're coming with me and telling
everyone who you are and who l am.

l'd really like to help you out.

l've got a date with this beautiful girl
l'm taking to the World series.

l don't think so!

Don't bite the seat number.

follow me.
l can taste the excitement.

stop biting my tickets, all right?

All right.

This is a Lotus.
You know what this thing does?

This thing goes 1 60 miles an hour.
Over that.

This is a nice set of wheels.

Great, no keys.

Who needs keys?

Where can l get a pair of pants like that?
They come in different colours?

hope this doesn't take long.
can't miss the national anthem.

shut up.

second floor.

- Who are you, anyway?
- Fourth floor, fifth floor.

- l'm a car thief.
- very funny.

no, really. l'm an escaped convict.

l broke out of prison to see the cubs
in the World series.

- l'm serious.
- shut up.


sakamoto will be here any moment.
no unsolicited comments...

- Diane connors?
- That's her.

- What are you doing here?
- Watch it, she bites.

What the hell's going on?
Didn't you get the message

that we are not interested
in you or your agency?

Tell her who you are.

l'm Jimmy.

Walter bentley's on teleconference.

put him through.
l'm curious to hear what he has to say.

Good. l can explain everything.

hello, Diane. You're looking good.

Look, l want to apologise for...

Walter, thank God.

What the hell are you doing there?
You look awful.

Like a bum at a costume party.
You should be ashamed of yourself.

Like he looks great.

how the hell could you come up
with this honey nut bakery slogan?

They've already printed the billboards.
''check out those buns.''

What buns?

- These buns!
- l like that.

l don't think your corporate and
personal problems are our concern.

You have screwed up
in every possible way.

Walter, it wasn't me.

That's not spencer, Walter.

l'm disappointed in you.

What's happening?

beats the hell out of me.

lf you think that you are getting
that promotion, forget it.

You failed... totally!

hey, all he did was lose his book.
l'm the one that screwed up.

- Who's this guy?
- l'm Jimmy.

lt's true. All you do is talk.
push people around.

You know what? lt really pisses us off.

spencer, l want you back here in 1 2 hours.

- This is a mistake.
- Listen to me.

You're the mistake.

l'm the mistake.

ln the last two days,
l've been mugged.

l've been thrown into garbage,
l've been put in jail, my wife has left me.

All because of this account.
l've been obsessed.

The same way l've been obsessed
with every account l've gotten for you.

- All l do is work.
- Work! Weekends, holidays.

When l'm not working...

l don't know who l am.
l don't know what to do or think.

- l hate my life.
- lt stinks.

l've made my wife miserable,
l've made myself miserable.

l don't want to end up like you.
l really...

l can't do this anymore.

The hell with all of it. l quit.

Yeah... me, too.

l quit. l'll see you later sometime.

big sak. Work on your game.

Don't lose that broom, witch.

l want to apologise...

Your firm has exhibited
gross incompetency.

l am taking you out of my filofax.


mr. sakamoto.
bentley isn't the only agency.

l never had a good feeling
about them anyway.

- Get me the bellflower August agency.
- no need.

unless you're looking for a job.

l'm not looking...

l came to the united states not just
to approve a new ad campaign,

but to see you in action.
l've had complaints.

What exactly are you saying?

What l'm saying exactly, ms connors,
is that you are unprofessional,

rude, and clearly incapable
of running my company.

And what l am saying
is that you are terminated.


spencer, game time.


Yo, spencer.

spencer, you forgot this.

- You were great back there.
- Great! l have nothing.

You have your book.

shut up, leave me alone.

Ah, baby, baby, baby,
with the shut up.

lf it wasn't for me, you wouldn't
realise your life was so rotten.

- You want to go to the game?
- no.

come on, what are you going to do?

You don't have to be at work tomorrow.

That's true.

Wait, don't move.

hey, come on. Let's kick some butt.

- You can use a little fun.
- fun?

- my life is over.
- no, it's not. lt's just beginning.


lt's the chicago cubs. Did you know
you and l are both from chicago?

- now that's exciting.
- lt is exciting.

lt's a statistic. lt's a coincidence.

lt's a divine right that
you and l should be here together,

while the cubs are in the World series.

We have to be at the cubs.
They need us.

One leg over the other.
come on and there we go!

That easy. come on, let's go.

You really are an escaped convict.

Yes, sir. 37 counts of Grand Theft Auto.

And you really did break out of prison
to go to the World series.


That's the dumbest thing
l've ever heard.

You want to hear dumb?

l'm about to break a date with the most
beautiful girl l've seen in 5 years.

That's dumb, spencer barnes.

lt's all because of you 'cause
we're going to the cubs game.

ln the car. hot dogs, hamburgers,
cokes, popcorn.

cotton candy.

Get in there. All right.
spence, you tight ass.

Way to go.

- hello.
- Jewel, it's me.

spencer! Where are you? Are you okay?

Listen, l'm really sorry,
but l have to cancel our date.

l need to spend some time with a friend.

God, spencer.
You're so sensitive.

What are you doing tonight?
Are you busy?

l got some plans for tonight,
but l'm free tomorrow.

Tomorrow's fine.

ls spencer barnes here?

no, l'm afraid he's not here right now.
can l help you?

l'm not sure.

You are?

l'm his wife.

his what?

O'er the ramparts we watched

Were so gallantly streaming

And the rockets red glare

The bombs bursting in air

gave proof through the night

That our flag was still there

Oh, say does that star-spangled

Banner yet wave

O'er the land of the free

And the home of the brave

Go cubs! kick some ass!

Let's go. here's your hat. Let's go!

play ball!

All right! play ball.

Then he took me downtown.
We went to a blues club...

- blues club?
- Then we came back here...

spencer hates blues.

What do you mean? We had...

The guy you're describing sounds like
a totally different person.

To be honest,
you don't look like

the kind of woman that would be married
to a man with a tattoo.

A what?


hello, is spencer there?

no, spencer's not here.
Who is this?

lt's Debbie.

Let me have it. Who's Debbie? Debbie?

- t es?
- What do you want?

Tell spencer l'm sorry about last night
and l shouldn't have kicked him out.

Tell him he can keep the pants.

- What?
- What?

come on, get your World series
souvenirs here.

here, got you a coke and a dog.

- Thanks.
- man, l love this game.

What's wrong with you?

nothing. l screwed up with everything.
l never got what l wanted.

What did you want?

l don't know.
You know what you want?

l want the cubs to win the World series!

nice hit.

You better leave now.
You don't want to get stuck in traffic.

What happened with your wife?

You get caught cheating?
You banging the babysitter?

- We don't even have any kids.
- how come?

l never thought there'd be enough time
to raise them right.

You got plenty of time now.

call her. Give me that.

Go ahead, call her.
she probably misses you.

my wife thinks l'm a single-minded,
obsessive jerk.

You are a single-minded, obsessive jerk.

- You don't have to be if you don't want to.
- You sure?

no, l'm not sure.

- That's my dad's phone.
- he's a scout. he's calling the bullpen.

What a play!

Did you see that?

- Let's get that guy for an interview.
- Ok.

l got it! Did you see that?

l just reached out, l snagged it.
The home run ball.

mark Grace and the cubs
in the World series.

Did you see that spectacular catch?

You didn't see it? Why?

- l was on the phone.
- You should've seen it.

l was reaching out there and grabbed it.
lt was the catch of the day.

- You told me to call home.
- You could have waited, put them on hold.

- lt was a great catch!
- Elizabeth wasn't there.

she wasn't there?
she didn't see it either.

Elizabeth is your wife?
she called for you yesterday.

she called yesterday?

- Did she say anything?
- she apologised for kicking him out.

for kicking him out last night?
l was with him. That can't be right.

- What's she talking about?
- This isn't getting easier.

my God! Look, it's spencer.

- That's not spencer.
- Of course it's spencer.

What's he doing on television?

That's not spencer. That's spencer.

That? That's not spencer.

- Where did he get that shirt?
- What?

my Elizabeth called yesterday?
What did she say?

- They must have seen me on Tv.
- What did she say?

l gotta go. lt was fun being you.

What did she say? Wait a minute!

Excuse me.

Wait a minute!

What's happening?
Why are we doing this?

The cops.
They must have seen me on Tv.

- When were you on Tv?
- When l made that catch you missed.

- The cops wouldn't shoot us, would they?
- l don't think so.

You don't think so?
What did Elizabeth say?

- l'm missing the game!
- What did she say?

- What?
- shit! What are you following me for?

lf we get busted,
you'll get in trouble. Leave!

l can't get arrested running
with an escaped con, can l?


he's not down there.
he's probably up the ramp.

Did Elizabeth say
to tell me anything?

- Where did she call from?
- l didn't talk to her.

- You didn't talk to her?
- Don't pitch to him, walk him!

he got a hit.
The Angels are going to score.

- Who talked to her?
- Jewel talked to her.

Walter's Jewel?

she's one hot lady.
Last night we did it.

come on.

You mean l slept with Walter's daughter?

how was l?

You were great!

l knew l could be great in bed.

That's him!

- Let's get out of here.
- Guys, stop!

come back, damn it!

You got a credit card?
Give it to me.


Damn it.


l can't... l can't believe it.

l can escape out of jail, but l can't
escape out of a damn ballpark.

l guess l'll just go back to jail, that's all.

l'll just go back.

- We know you're in there!
- come on, unlock this door!

come here and hold onto me
before l change my mind.

Go ahead, change your mind.

come on!

l'm coming!

l always got A's in gym,
but this could be ridiculous.

- This is a mistake!
- Yes, it is!


That was different, spencer.

- Are you all right?
- That was batman.

We can still hear the game on the radio.
Let's get in the car.

And it's strike three
and the Cubs have won it!

The 1990 World Champions
are the Chicago Cubs.

- They did it!
- They won!

All I can say is holy cow, joe.
t ou're witness to history.

For the first time since 1908,
the Cubs have won the World series.

I repeat, the Cubs have won the World...

Why are you turning it off?

They won.

lt's over.

The weekend's over.

Was it so bad being me?


no, l liked it.

Everybody listened to me.
They took me seriously.

Jewel, too. she took me seriously.
l like her.

she was nice.
Yeah, l dug her.

l just wonder if she'll like me
as Jimmy Dworski.

lf the cubs can win the World series,
anything's possible, right?

All right. now l got to think
how to break back into prison.

Why would you want to do that?

l got to. l escaped, now l got to
break back in so l can be released.

l found it. lt was in my filofax.

They should be in their car by now.

Let me ask you something.
how will you get back in prison

with the photographers
and reporters there?

l can't believe l never thought of that.

Why didn't l think of that?


All right. Jewel and l want to know
what the hell is going on.

Where are you?

- l'm at Walter's.
- Where?

Answer me. What is going on?

l lost my filofax.

You what?

And l quit my job.

- Are you serious?
- What?

Elizabeth, l miss you so much.

l have so many things to tell you.
The most important thing is...

l love you.

l love you, too.

Will you ask my spencer
if we're still on for tomorrow?

Jewel wants to know if she
and the spencer who caught the ball

are still on for tomorrow.

Are you and Jewel on for tomorrow?

l don't know.

how am l going to break back into prison?

Wait a minute.

Oh, my God. Yes!
Yes, they are on for tomorrow.

- Yes, you're on.
- We are? Great!

how about we go to hawaii?

We leave tonight.

We will.

Why, for the first time,
do l really believe you?

because like my pal here says,
l got a lot of free time.

my calendar is blank.
ln fact, l don't even have a calendar.

We leave tonight. but first,
there's something l have to do.


l'm sorry.


Oh, spencer.

hi, there.

Thank you.

The warden's expecting us.

Just pull over there in front of that guard.
l'll call the warden.

father barnes.

That's quite a car.

lt was a very kind donation to the parish.

A red Lotus.

Do you pray, my son?

- not as much as l should, father.
- l can see it in your face.

What is your given name?

captain Toolman.
l hope you can help us.

- Well, l'm not alone.
- l understand.

no, l mean l brought someone with me.

Jimmy Dworski's mother.

mrs. Dworski, captain Toolman.

l hope you can help me.
l'm so worried about my poor Jimmy.

What are you going to do?

We'll send for somebody.

Where in the hell is Jimmy at?
can't keep this up all night.

gentlemen, listen up.
This is the warden.

We have a professional mediator
who'd like to talk to you.


- he's with jimmy's mother.
- Jimmy's mother?

bad news.

All right, father. she's all yours.

hello, prisoners.

It's Father Barnes.

I'm here with jimmy's mother.

Mrs. dworski.

This must end.
We want to come in and talk to you.

no way. We're not letting anyone in.

Especially a mother.

If you let us in, the warden
will promise complete forgiveness.

- no punishment.
- What?

- better food.
- better food.

better what?

''cast ye loaves across the water,
and they will return to the shore.''

And I promise you better food.

What the hell.
maybe we should let them in.

- What about Jimmy?
- We can't give up.

Jimmy's a homie.

Forget it. t'all try to come in here,
we'll kill him dead.

help me!

I don't want to die.

help me, man! I'm scared!

l say we use the tear gas
and flush them out of there.

They say they have a colour Tv
for Lebradford brown.

ls that part of the strategy?

home shopping club.
l used your credit card.

Yes, we did. We ordered that.

- What now?
- The governor's mediators are here.

how many mediators
do they think we need?


You have no idea...

how much l understand
what you're going through.

Look at her, man.

- she look like the missing link.
- l think she's kind of cute.

- Yeah, you would.
- Forget it! no one's coming in.

Warden Toolman,
we're from the governor's office.

- Gentlemen.
- Agent Jackson.

pay attention, boys.

You were specifically instructed not
to make any promises to the inmates.

We're interrupting the proceedings
and taking over.

Let me in, goddamn it!

What the hell is she doing?

she's signalling.

how does she know our signal?
she ain't no homie!

- ''steal home?''
- ''lntentional walk?''

''Go home?''

Let me in!

That ain't no missing link.

That's Jimmy.

father, what is she doing?

she is doing a special prayer
that l taught her. Excuse me.

- We're going to go in.
- no, look.

Ok. They can come in,
but only the mother and the father.

close it!

Where's my Jimmy?

right this way, mrs. Dworski.

Did you see that catch l made?

These heels are killing me.

Damn it, what took you so long?

l was at the hairdresser
or l'd been here earlier.

- no hair jokes.
- This is for you, heavy G.

Get me out of these clothes.
lt's so hard to be a woman.

All right, shut up!

l'm going to keep the nails.

spencer, come here.
Guys, this is spencer barnes, my friend.

Good work, you got us in.
That Debbie's a talented girl.

she gave me her number.
she wanted to make sure you had it.

- she's a nice lady.
- she's good, isn't she?

You take care of yourself
and try to stay out of trouble.

- really, man. And thanks.
- Look me up when you get out.

Ok. l get out in about 20 minutes.

ln that case, forget it.

All right. here, like this.

There you go, spencer barnes.
have a good trip.

l'm free!

Warden, l never thought l'd get out.

l didn't know l'd get out
of that horrible place.

- l thought l'd be there forever.
- You're wearing lipstick.

- my mom gave me a big kiss.
- Where is your mom?

- l smell perfume.
- Don't be stupid, the press is watching.

- Thank you, everybody.
- You're welcome.

he's the greatest warden
a guy could have.

Just my job, Jim.

Will l still be released today?

- Will l?
- Of course you'll be released today.

Thank you!

You're the best!

All right. Don't do that again, please.

- Get out of here, man.
- hope l never see you again.

Take it easy.

- What are you doing here?
- figured you'd need a ride.

Thanks a lot, man.

And l needed someone to start the car.

now that l can do.

- hello?
- spencer Barnes, please.

- mr. sakamoto.
- glad I found you.

- nice to hear your voice, too.
- Is the other spencer there?

- Yes, he is here.
- good. t ou two impress me.

We enjoyed meeting you as well.

I want you both to come work for me.

- You want to hire us both?
- t ou make a good team.

how much did you have in mind?

I was thinking 25 a month.


t ou'd head my American
advertising operation.

- A month?
- Of course we're flattered.

We'll need a little time
to think that over.

- no time. l know. Take it.
- We'll get back to you shortly.

- Take your time. t ou need a vacation.
- Thank you. bye.

What, are you nuts?

business lesson number one.
never take your first offer.

Yeah, right. That's just like baseball.
Don't swing at your first pitch.

Wait a second.

Just one quick second.

l don't know where the Tv came from...

Ok, partner. Let's go.

Special thanks to SergeiK.