Voila! Finally, the Teaching Mrs. Tingle
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Katie Holmes and
Helen Mirren movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Teaching Mrs. Tingle. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Susie never showed up. I did a double.
I'm so tired.
You did? Oh!
That's great. Very well done.
So? You find out about it today?
just the rankings. Don't find out about the scholarship till after finals.
How about the grant? Declined.
Same as the loans. Dad uses me as a deduction.
Bastard. Yeah, but I still have a good shot at valedictorian.
I mean, I could still get the scholarship. And you will.
I've got complete faith in you.
Well, I gotta go. If I just get through this week, I'll be fine.
Come here. I have to go.
I need a hug. I need one. Come on.
You're going to get to college.
I mean, look at this. This is brilliant.
My little girl the writer.
You're gonna make it. You're gonna get out of here.
I just know it. You didn't do so bad.
But you're gonna go all the way.
So, you really think this is an A?
You're the A.
That teacher of yours isn't gonna know what hit her.
Coach! Hey, Coach!
Wake up, will you?
That Trudie Tucker has no business driving a Mercedes.
Listen, I need your senior prophecy for the last issue. The deadline's tomorrow.
I don't know what to say. I hate that senior shit.
Just think of where you'll be in years.
You're the writer, do it for me.
Okay, uh, how about, Miss Jo Lynn Jordan, famous film Star, last seen
In rehab popping Percodan, divorced from gay husband.
What does yours say? I haven't done mine yet.
Allow me. Leigh Ann Watson, famous journalist,
wins the Pulitzer Prize for her personal yet searing account...
of being a year old virgin.
Watch it. Simple reminder.
Go, Man, go!
Hiya, Trudie. What you got there?
It's the Bastille. As in the storming of the Bastille,
as in the French Revolution.
It's cute. I think we can do better than cute.
Don't you think so, Leigh Ann?
Good job. Very well done.
Oh, my God, there he is. Oh, he is such a
With a wrought iron ass!
Dare me. What?
just say it. Dare me.
Okay, I dare you. Thank you!
Sorry about that. Hey, Jo Lynn, it's okay.
No, really, I should not be in public with my feet. I'm sorry.
Hey, Leigh Ann, how's it going? She's good.
I'm the one who's kind of out of it.
Oh, yeah? What's wrong?
I just think a little bit of pity is in order,
since I have had this stirring and passionate secret love for you...
since actually the third grade, and, um
But I feel much better now. Thanks. Yeah.
I cannot believe you just did that. I can't either. Oh, my God!
You've gotta chill on the hair products.
The fumes are going straight up your nose.
It was this little voice inside of me that just said, Do it!
That's why it's a little voice, Jo Lynn. You're not supposed to listen to it.
No, Leigh Ann. You've gotta listen.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Whoa, man.
There she is.
Get out of the way!
U h Good day, Coach. Mr. Potter?
May I have a moment? Morning, Mrs. Tingle. How are you?
Fine, thank you. Mrs. Tingle.
Will you excuse us, Coach Wenchell? Of course.
How can I help you this morning, Mrs. Tingle?
Summer school starts in three weeks. Did you receive my request...
regarding those necessary research materials?
Yes, I wanted to talk to you about that.
It appears to be a matter of budget. I was thinking
No, no, don't do that, Mr. Potter. We so prefer...
that whistling wind effect you have on us.
Now, I requested those materials some time ago.
We don't have the money. Mr. Potter,
I'm sure if you take another look at that nasty budget...
ingenuity will abound.
So, thank you in advance.
Oh, by the way, happy birthday.
It's not my birthday, Mrs. Tingle.
No, not your natal birthday. The A.A. one.
You've been sober How long is it now?
Four years. There. I knew it was this week.
Me and dates.
You know, that's the curse of being a history teacher.
Well, congratulations. That's quite an accomplishment.
just think, not one sip of alcohol in over four years.
That's almost... unbelievable.
Are you okay, Mr. Potter? Yes, I'm fine. Just a little tired.
Oh. Late night?
I loved President Kennedy,
but despite my feelings for Jack,
he was, after all, a married Man,
so our affair remained secret.
But it endured. And it wasn't just about sex.
We helped each other.
John often turned to me for advice.
I encouraged him to pull out of Berlin,
advised him on the Cuban missile crisis,
and even encouraged him to sign that silly old nuclear peace treaty.
So, in conclusion, I ask you...
to ask not what your mistress can do for you,
but what your mistress can do for your country.
Thank you, Miss Jordan,
for that nauseating distortion of American History.
I was merely trying to point out...
that our political leaders' indiscretions have had a major impact on history.
And you chose to do it without one shred of factual evidence,
leaving your project's merit
to be judged solely on a rather tepid impersonation,
completely out of your very limited range as an actress.
Now, take your seat.
I, uh I I've been thinking about getting into law enforcement...
after graduation, so I thought for my project...
I'd create a medieval crossbow.
it's not loaded. This was a very popular means...
of protection during the early
during the early th century.
By placing a bolt in the chamber,
uh, the bowing of the wood creates a pressure
Don't tease us, Mr. Barry.
When you shoot, make it count.
It wasn't I mean, I didn't think that
No, because that world require a cerebrum and a few other missing parts.
What you did was bring a weapon to school.
What you did is punishable in a Court of law.
Now, sit down before I have you arrested.
Mr. Churner, dare I even ask?
Your work, Mr. Churner, is very reminiscent of a young Man...
who sat in that same chair some years ago.
He too had the words no future printed on his forehead.
Give your father my best.
Miss Watson? Dazzle us, will you?
Well, I've created a th century journal.
One year in the life Of an accused Salem witch.
Documenting actual events, it contains entries,
all written with quill and ink,
bound by leather and twine and aged for authenticity.
it chronicles a young girl's false imprisonment and unfair trial.
it took about six months
Another girl was burned at the stake today.
I fear William Griggs will point to me next.
I fear my future will be nothing more than smoldering ashes.
if this be true, I pray the wind...
will carry my ashes far from Gallows Hull...
to a place that allows me to sing and dance...
in the open air.
Oh, how very moving.
I tried not to get too carried away with the prose.
it's completely factual. She was ultimately burned at the stake.
Always a victim,
aren't we, Miss Watson?
Well, there are similarities between society today and th century Salem.
I guess that would be the irony of it all.
I'm well aware of what Irony is, Miss Watson.
You, however, should consult your dictionary.
Of course, I wasn't suggesting that it was
irony is the opposite of what is or might be expected.
For example, if Miss Watson...
was expecting an A on her history project,
she might find the actual result to be... rather ironic.
I pray your Salem witch...
escaped such literary infractions.
Please, sit down.
You're number two. By one point.
I know how much you were counting on being valedictorian.
I'm really sorry, Leigh Ann.
And I take it you're number one? Only by a smidge.
But who knows? Maybe you'll get an A on that history project...
and just turn everything around.
Do you mean that? Thank you.
That is so sweet.
That's what's always impressed me most you are so sweet.
I know things haven't been easy for you and I love the way...
you're always able to rise above.
Thank you. It's so very evolved of you.
Sorry about that scholarship.
I hope you weren't counting on it. Oh, well.
Have a nice day.
I heard that. You can still get that scholarship.
How? You've got one week to take her down.
you're only behind by a point.
Study hard, and you can beat her easily.
You don't understand, Miss Gold. History cost me big time.
Mrs. Tingle hates me.
Miss Tingle's a bitch. She hates everyone.
She even hates me.
You can do this, I know you can.
I believe in you.
There's one week left, and Trudie Tucker has built this
Leigh Ann. Trudie Tucker...
is a pale faced Harvard trust fund twit whose good grades...
are a result of good ass kissing.
She doesn't need the scholarship. You do.
As Guidance Counselor, you've been my pride and joy for four years.
You deserve it. You just gotta believe in yourself, honey, that's all.
Thank you, Miss Gold.
I can't believe I'm doing extra credit.
You need it. You have one week to bump Bitch Trudie from the throne.
You know, I don't really have to be a writer. I mean
I could do something a little more practical.
You are going to be valedictorian. You're going to get your scholarship.
You're going to go to college, and you're going to pursue your dreams,
and I am going to see to it.
My last piece of business before I freak to Hollywood.
I'm gonna miss you. All right, come here, cheese ball,
and don't make me cry.
You know I'm easy.
Can we make this a three way? What do you say?
Now, what are you two lovely ladies doing...
on this hard, wooden floor?
Seating arrangements for graduations. You are going to graduate, aren't you?
Celebration's al ready begun. Get serious.
Be cool. That's a no no. You want a beer? I have more.
What are you trying to do, get us expelled?
I'll have one.
Jo Lynn Okay
Now, why is it we never dated?
We did, almost, once.
We were this close to hooking up at Mandy Kate's birthday party.
Sophomore year, when I was still an A cup with braces.
It was kind of a disaster. That was you?
I thought that was somebody else.
And why is it we never dated?
Could you cut the alcohol?
You are so typical. Some of us would like to graduate.
And some of us could help you do that.
What is this? Oh, just Tingle's final exam.
Where did you get that? You're not the only brain around here.
We could get in serious trouble.
I made a copy of the original. She'll never even know.
You sure it's authentic?
Tempting, isn't it? Sort of brings up all those moral questions.
Slither away. Let's go. Don't be so hasty, Leigh Ann.
You just think about it. I'll leave it right there.
What are you doing? You are such a loser.
I think the race is still on for that title, Miss Watson.
We were just
Doing seating arrangements for graduation.
Extra credit. Extra credit.
Has it come to that?
Actually, we were just finishing up, right, Leigh Ann?
Take it easy, Miss Tingle.
Well, well, well.
Final exams aren't until next week, Miss Watson.
Look, Mrs. Tingle, it is not what you think. Save it for Mr. Potter, dear.
Mrs. Tingle just let us explain, Mrs. Tingle.
The smartest girl in school caught cheating.
The irony of it all.
Shit! What's she gonna do? She went to go turn us in.
Excuse me, Miss Banks.
Good afternoon, Mrs. Tingle. What can I do for you?
I'm here to see Mr. Potter.
Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Potter isn't in.
Is there something I can help you with?
You can tell him his dereliction of duty does not go unnoticed,
and it is urgent that I speak with him first thing in the morning.
Understand? Certainly, Mrs. Tingle.
Leigh Hey, what's up?
Basically, we're screwed.
What happened? What'd she say to Potter?
No, he's gone for the night. She won't do it until the morning.
Good. That gives us time. For what?
Counteract. Solution mode.
It's her word against ours. We're dead.
Wait, I know.
Luke and I will go to Tingle and just explain that you weren't involved.
Yeah, I'll tell the bitch the truth. She won't believe you.
Yes, she will. She'll have to. We'll just give her the facts.
No. it won't work. Look, face it.
We're going to be expelled. No graduation, no nothing!
We'll just go to Tingle, okay? It's worth a shot.
This is such a bad idea.
We don't exactly have a lot of choices here, Leigh Ann, okay?
Don't be so pessimistic.
Look at this place. It looks haunted.
You can't go to a teacher's house at night.
This is never gonna work. Yes, it will. Just follow me.
It's after dinner.
She's probably just had a feeding and feeling a little giving.
Okay, who's gonna do the talking? I'll go.
No, Leigh, let me.
The innocent always look more guilty when defending themselves.
I'll go. What are you gonna say?
The truth, of course.
Look, I'm gonna get you to college.
It's never gonna work.
What do you suggest, we kerosene the place?
All I'm saying is Tingle's not stupid.
Look, you wanna know why we never dated?
This, right here, shining example.
Mrs. Tingle, I...
I am so sorry to bother you at home,
bit it is urgent that I speak with you.
You see, there's been a horrible misunderstanding,
and I'd just like the chance to explain.
You see, Leigh Ann wasn't cheating.
I mean, come on. We both know she would never do that,
and I'm sure you're probably wondering...
how the exam got in her bag,
'cause I know that's what I'd be wondering if I were you,
and, um okay, uh
it was me.
There. I stole the exam.
Leigh Ann wasn't involved at all. I mean, if anything,
she was just trying to talk me out of it, because
Well, l guess things just haven't been going too well for me lately.
My mom has been very, very sick.
Well, we had to take her to the hospital ...
because she got this blood clot in her leg, and,
she's actually in intensive care right now because the blood clot...
went up her leg and into her kidneys.
The doctors say it could be headed for her heart,
maybe even her brain.
Well, they've been watering down her blood, but...
things just aren't looking too good.
So I stole the exam.
For my mom. I guess I just thought...
that maybe if she could live to see me graduate,
then maybe just
just maybe she
Mrs. Tingle, I'm
I really am so, so sorry.
You poor dear.
I pray you're a good waitress.
What happened? I cried real tears. I don't get it.
She's not human. We know that.
I'm sorry, Leigh Ann. I could try again.
I'll go. No, I'll go.
Why don't you just grab a beer?
Good evening, Mrs. Tingle.
Is it? May I come in?
Go home, Leigh Ann.
Make it quick, Miss Watson.
Look, I've never cheated on anything in my life.
I work really hard for my grades, Mrs. Tingle, and I am not a cheater.
You can ask anyone. Where are you going?
Do you have any idea what's going to happen to me?
It'll be scandalous. Look, I am innocent.
Oh, how moving.
You know I didn't do it. Even the innocent...
sometimes burn at the stake.
Now, take your sniveling self and get out of my house.
Not so fast.
Mr. Churner. To what do we owe the pleasure?
Go away. Here's the deal.
I stole the exam. It was my doing and mine alone.
The role of savior does not suit mediocrity, Mr. Churner.
I suggest you run along. Fuck you, lady.
Get out of my house now. both of you.
He didn't mean that, Mrs. Tingle. Apologize.
It's true. She wasn't cheating.
This isn't happening. I want the three of you...
out of the house immediately before I call your parents.
That's not necessary. We'll just go. Please, Mrs. Tingle.
Don't do this to her. She'll lose everything.
Leave my house now,
or the first call will be to the police.
Put the phone down Luke!
What do you think you're doing? Put that down.
You're not calling the shots anymore, Tingle.
It's time for Tingle to learn a lesson.
No! Don't be stupid.
Put it down Not until she agrees to a few things.
And what might those few things be, Mr. Churner?
You can't keep treating people the way you do.
You lose, Mr. Churner.
Now, get out of my house, all of you.
Leave him alone!
Holy shit. Oh, my God.
Did I do that? Yeah, Jo, you did that.
All right, let's get out of here. No, we can't just leave.
Yes, we can. We can just go. They're not gonna know we
No, we can't
Is she dead? I don't know. She's not moving.
No, no, you're wrong. She's breathing. She has to be.
Make her breathe.
it grazed her. There's some blood, but she should be fine.
She doesn't look fine. Oh, my God.
What do we do? Wait, let me think for a second.
How are we gonna explain this? Damn it
She'll press charges Maybe we should just finish her.
No, we can't finish her We have to think this through
Should we just leave her there?
You guys all right? Yeah.
I'm dizzy. Watch her head
Come on, let's just get her up there. Come on, let's go.
How's her head? it's minimal. She'll be all right.
Here, take this.
I found these. What are you doing?
Tying her up.
No, you're not Did you see the way she I unged at me? Come on.
What's the plan?
Well, when she wakes up, we'll reason with her.
Oh, yeah. We know how that works.
Do you have a better idea?
Yeah. Torch the place. call it a day. What had better have been...
an attempt at humor, because that is not an option.
This is way out of control.
So what, we just hang out here all night?
No, I mean... She's out. She probably won't wake up until the morning.
I gotta go home and check on my mom. She likes to leave cigarettes burning.
You know, she looks kinda like that movie, you know,
where the demon chick upchucks all over everybody.
She Exorcist. Yeah.
Don't screw this up. Hey, I'll stay with Luke.
I'll, um, tell my parents I'm at your place.
Okay. I'll be back as soon as I can and we'll try to think of something.
I'm not a sweet thing, Pa.
I blamed it all on Mary and it wasn't even her fault.
I meant to be hurtful, but it didn't stop my hurting.
The TV in the living room. You don't mind, do you?
No. Oh, what happened?
Did Mrs. Tingle like your project?
Yeah. She really liked it.
Are you at the top of your class?
Go back to sleep. Oh, sweetie.
Oh, I'm so proud of you.
All your dreams are gonna come true.
Both our dreams.
I love you.
Now, if you're gonna grow up to be as pretty as your ma, I think we ought a get
Oh, please. I need a doctor.
I'm in pain.
I didn't mean for this to happen. I know.
It's all right. just untie me, please.
I'm not supposed to do that. Oh, help me.
I know it was an accident.
I hit my head hard.
My My vision is blurry.
Call an ambulance. Hurry.
Jo Lynn, please untie me. Please.
Mrs. Tingle, I am so sorry about all of this. it's just been
Stop right there, Mrs. Tingle.
So much for talking this out.
Nice performance, Mrs. Tingle. Very subtle work.
The blurry vision detail.
Nice. Come here.
Why don't you go home and get some rest
I'd rather stay with you. I got it covered.
This was my fault to begin with. Let me handle it.
I want to be here.
You know, this is kinda the wrong time for this.
Okay. Come on, I'll walk you down.
That's enough peanut butter. My fingers are raw.
What do you want next, huh?
Come... pickles? What do you want next? H uh? Sour cream?
Are you ready?
Don't do it, be it.
Rubber baby buggy bumpers.
Leaf in the wind.
Grandsboro High School. Eve Tingle here.
Yes, Mrs. Tingle. What can I do for you?
I won't be coming in today. I have a touch of the flu and I've taken to bed.
What is it?
Well, I hope you're feeling better real soon.
It might be a few days.
I'll keep you posted.
Well, you take as much time as you need. The important thing is your health.
And don't hesitate to call us if you need anything.
Bye now. Good bye.
Done. That woman hasn't been sick in over
Actually, I don't think she's ever been sick.
Do you think it's serious?
Oh, I hope so.
Good morning, Mrs. Tingle.
I hear you had quite an evening. Let me get this off.
So, how are you this morning, Mrs. Tingle
We need to talk. We need to discuss what happened...
so we can get our stories straight.
Now, we've taken care of everything.
you're out sick today due to a touch of the flu,
and I think you should take this time to rest up,
let your head heal and think about what you've done.
Luke, Jo Lynn and I are fully aware...
that our behavior was out of line, but we're truly sorry,
and we have learned from our mistake.
So, that should be enough for you. You've done your job.
And we would greatly appreciate it if we could...
just put this incident behind us and get on with our lives.
So, do we have an understanding?
Oh, Leigh Ann.
You present yourself with such self assured tenacity,
but your fear is showing around the edges.
You can do better.
Mrs. Tingle, we're trying. Work with us.
Okay, time for plan B.
And what would that be? What's the matter, Mrs. Tingle?
Are you getting a little scared yourself?
Oh, no, dear.
Things are just starting to get fun.
So, what's plan B? Jo, you watch Tingle.
I'm gonna go to school, take care of a few things,
and I'll be back with plan B.
Now, make sure she eats something and immediately gag her.
You got it? And don't let her mess with your head.
Don't worry. The sow is mine. I'll be back after school.
So, um, like, you wanna hang with me today?
I should probably hit school, right, Leigh Ann?
We don't want to look obvious.
Come on, I'll give you a ride. Come on.
Okay, class, I'm gonna be filling in for a couple of days...
while Mrs. Tingle is out sick.
Yes, Trudie will Mrs. Tingle be okay?
Oh, yeah, it's just a bug that's going around.
Deadly bug, I hope.
Oh, God, I'm bored.
Bored, bored, bored.
I can't believe you don't have a TV.
I mean, it's like not having toilet paper.
I could be at home, watching Sally Jesse...
or Oprah or Jerry.
Where else are you gonna see...
Man Has Sex Change To Become Lesbian?
You think about that.
Oh, forget it.
Oh, where'd you come from?
Oh, you're such a good little boy.
What's your name? What's your
All right. Oh, God, I'm bored.
What a lovely day for an exorcism!
The sow is mine! Screw you!
Nimi. Why you do this to me? Nimi.
Take me! Take me! Take me!
Repeat it! Take me! Take me! Repeat it!
Nimi. Why? Why? Take me!
You really should get a TV.
Study hard, Leigh Ann.
Basically, unless we're able to convince a Court of law that we were the victims here,
we're looking at criminal assault and conspiracy to cover up a crime.
We were victims. That woman drove us to drastic measures.
Luke, we shot her with an arrow, we tied her to her bed,
and we have held her captive for the last hours.
I think we've bypassed drastic measures.
I'm sorry, Leigh Ann.
Look, it's not your fault.
I mean, it is, but that's irrelevant now.
What if I had a way to convince her?
Okay, let's see.
Let's get this thing off of you. Ah, there we go.
Now, no biting.
Okay. Swim, swim, swallow.
You know, you could have avoided this whole headache.
We both know Leigh Ann's not a cheater.
Such a loyal friend.
Tell me, don't you ever tire...
of playing second banana to little Miss Perfection?
Hey, I'm nobody's banana.
I have Star quality.
Then how come Leigh Ann snagged the leading Man?
What, you mean Luke?
Look, Leigh Ann can't stand Luke.
She thinks he's a loser.
Oh, Miss Jordan. As an actress, you really must learn...
to read between the lines.
No, no, no. She would never play me.
I'm her best friend and she knows I'm into him.
Betrayal hurts, Miss Jordan.
I'd prepare that little heart of yours if I were you.
Leigh Ann Mr. Churner.
What's her gag doing off? How was school?
you're on the wrong side of glib, Mrs. Tingle.
Should I be afraid, Leigh Ann?
Quivering in fear? Tell me the appropriate reaction.
I'll work on it.
Any thoughts on plan B? Downstairs.
What do you think Black mail?
I'll get into bed with Tingle, and we'll use them to threaten her.
Oh, how scandalous. I love it. do you think it'll work?
Oh, it is wicked. And wrong and immoral, and we
So is she. Leigh Ann,
you have always done the right thing,
and the best thing it's gotten you is number two.
It is time for you to listen to that little voice inside of your head.
Listen to it this time, for all of our sakes.
We're not gonna hurt her. We're just gonna present her with options.
This can't be the only way to get into college.
Okay, this is what you have to do.
You just need to think of this as if you're an actress playing a role.
if you commit to the part and you believe that it'll work, it'll work.
just this once, Leigh.
for your future. All of ours.
I don't even have a future, but I know I don't want to go to jail.
think about your mother. I mean, this would kill her.
Well, if we're gonna go down, we might as well make it count, right?
Okay Operation Scandal underway.
Now, we need, uh, a plan. We need supplies.
We need one naked high school student.
Sorry, Luke, but... camera doesn't lie.
A bottle of wine and I'll be fine.
All right. I'll go back and get a camera.
Luke, you're in charge of feeding the devil,
senior prophecy everything is gonna work out okay.
I'll be back in a couple of hours with the camera.
All right. I'll go grab some burgers.
I didn't know if you liked mayo or mustard, so I got it plain.
But I have these packets, so You want ketchup on your fries?
you're very good at this.
I suspect you've had practice.
Tell me, do you clean up after your drunken father...
when he passes out each night?
You go straight for the jugular every time, don't you?
May I have some wine?
Rich and fill bodied.
Rather bold selection, Luke.
That's the first time you've ever called me by my first name.
What happened to Mr. Churner? You should keep in mind, Luke,
that when this becomes a police report, you have the least to lose.
Don't worry about me. I don't care what happens.
Oh. of course.
Your concern begins and ends with Leigh Ann.
Don't worry, Luke. She's attracted to you. I can tell.
No, Leigh Ann's pretty repulsed by me.
Oh, come on, Luke.
You've gotten one or two cheerleaders drink in your time.
You know a thing or two about women.
Cleopatra rebuked Anthony...
simply because she desired him.
Nah, it's different.
Leigh Ann and I had our moment, and it passed.
Tell me about it.
Back in the tenth grade, there was this... party...
where Leigh Ann and I kind of hooked up once.
The keyword being once.
I blew it.
She was uncomfortable at the party. Little social dysfunction...
as a result of studying way too much.
She was hiding out in the bathroom.
I kept her company and we kind of... had our own little party, you know?
Sounds incredibly Zhivago.
the next day, she acted like I was diseased.
I guess the guilt set in. I never had another chance.
it was over before it began.
Guess I wasn't part of her master plan.
She's been kinda wild on me ever since.
She done yet? Jo Lynn's back.
U h, yeah, pretty much.
Places, everyone. The plot is about to thicken.
I, uh, opted for the disposable.
Now, I thought I'd keep this blocking fairly simple. Mrs. Tingle,
thought I'd keep you right where you are, straps and all.
Going for a whole bondage theme.
And, like, my man... drop 'em.
Look. are you sure you want to go through with this?
What was that?
Who is it?
Coach Wenchell. What's he doing here?
Quick, gag her. Give it up, Leigh Ann. it's over.
Mrs. Tingle, shut up. The coach is gonna come
Are the doors locked? Yeah.
What do we do now?
Nothing. He's going away.
Well, that was close.
Oh, my God
Stop! Don't come any closer.
U h, you don't sound too good. How you doin'?
What is she doing? I don't know.
I'm not well. But it's me... Spanky.
What are you doing here... Spanky?
I miss my chili mama.
Hey, what's going on?
Please, Spanky, you have to go.
I need my rest.
Please, you're upsetting the dog.
I want my pom poms.
Okay, just... go downstairs, Spanky.
I'll be right down.
No. No. Pretty okay.
Scarf. This is fabulous.
Close your eyes. Okay.
Remember last time?
That, uh that thing you did with the thing?
Okay. Sit down, Spanky.
Oh, this is gonna be good.
I love your smell.
Now drink up, Spanky. Okay.
You're gonna need it.
Are you trying to get me drunk? Because, I gotta tell ya,
I have a very high tolerance for alcohol.
And when you...
Blow in my ear.
And, of course,
when you spank me.
Most of all,
I love it when you touch me just like that.
Have another drink.
So, Eve, when are we gonna kick off?
Spanky, one more drink.
just, just a few more sups, Spanky.
Let Let go.
Let go. Let go.
Justa few more minutes and I'll Spanky!
Man, that was weird.
This has gotten completely out of hand.
I kept asking myself, What was Mrs. Tingle doing in the gym anyway?
How scandalous. Yeah. This is a small town.
Infidelity's a big deal. These pictures are gonna be a big hit at the parish,
where I think Coach Wenchell's wife sings in the choir.
She coach and I will deny it. No one's gonna believe you.
But we'll have pictures. Fraudulent pictures.
it doesn't matter, Mrs. Tingle. The great thing about a scandal is it doesn't rely upon fact.
And just look at the current climate. Facts are no longer relevant.
So you can scream the truth all you want, Mrs. Tingle,
but the damage will be done.
I love it.
Mrs. Tingle, you are just full of surprises.
if you weren't such a bitch, I'd really like you.
you're all gonna burn for this. I'll see to it.
Oh, threats, Mrs. Tingle, are a sign of weakness.
Get back there. Wait. Come here.
Shut him up, Jo.
Okay, he's coming to. Hurry. Where's the camera?
Okay, just sit. There you go. Okay. Sit.
Don't do this, Leigh Ann. you're gonna ruin this man's life.
Oh, the way you planned to ruin mine?
Stop it. Stop.
Quick, let's get this over with.
Let me see more of the coach's face. Yeah, right there. Perfect.
Okay. Hold on.
Jo, you stay here with Tingle.
Why do I always have to stay with Tingle?
You stay with Tingle. I'll go with Luke.
would you cooperate, please?
Come on. is there something going on here I don't know about?
What are you talking about?
We've got to go.
We'll be back as soon as we can.
Easy. All right.
We'll get him to the truck, then I'll grab his bike.
Okay. That's it.
Hurry up. Wait. Hold on.
All right. Grab his legs. No, I'll get his legs.
You get his legs.
I got his arm.
I'm gonna go get his bike.
Come on. Let's get outta here.
Mrs. Tingle, you have been holding out on us.
You have got some nice stuff.
I mean, some good shit.
Come on. it wasn't that bad.
just a couple of pictures.
Nobody ever has to see 'em.
Oh, Romeo, Romeo!
Wherefore art thou, Romeo?
Yes. Hey, Mrs. Tingle, what's your dog's name?
What's your name?
it's not Romeo, is it? Oh, come here.
You could never play Juliet.
You haven't the commitment, the soul.
Well, there's the Tingle we all know and love, hmm?
You've never had a broken heart.
Yeah, well, at least I have a heart.
So tell me, Mrs. Tingle,
what's the deal with you and Coach Wenchell anyway?
I mean, is it just a physical thing, or... do you love him?
Coach Wenchell and I...
have an understanding.
Oh. How romantic.
But, tell me, do you love him, or...
are you just spank buddies?
I'm fond of Coach Wenchell.
Have you ever loved anyone, Mrs. Tingle?
I mean, you are a Missus.
So whatever happened to mister?
You scorin' alimony or what?
What happened? You have to tell me. Scoop, please.
I, too, planned on leaving Grandsboro.
like you and your friends,
I thirsted for more than this town could offer.
Then I met Richard.
Absolutely strapping man.
Blue eyes, wide shoulders.
He was dangerous,
reckless, everything I thought I always wanted.
After a brief romance, we married.
He was my world.
Such a brilliant and desirable man.
But eventually his nature caught up with him,
and his eyes began to wander, towards a friend of mine.
A girl much prettier and more delicate than I.
Someone who I never dreamed would be a threat to me.
She was my best friend.
That's why I was so devastated to discover that...
she was sleeping with Richard...
right under my nose.
My best friend...
who I trusted with all my heart,
lying to me, betraying me, stealing the only man I've ever loved...
while I played the poor, pitiful, little sidekick.
There's nothing going on between those two. Luke's not even into Leigh Ann.
Luke's a man, Jo Lynn.
He'll always pursue that which is unobtainable. it's in his nature.
They've been seeing each other secretly since tenth grade.
Even I know the story.
It all started at some birthday party where Leigh Ann hid
in the bathroom all night.
You were there.
Leigh Ann is my friend.
Under this roof, Jo Lynn,
I'd say I'm the closest thing you have to a friend.
it's not true.
you're not too quick, Jo Lynn.
You might just make it as an actress after all.
We can pick 'em up tomorrow after : .
Hey, it's almost over.
We're this close to getting an A for the rest of our lives.
it's all gonna be okay.
Where is she? I think she's upstairs. I'm gonna go check on her.
Where's Jo Lynn?
She went home.
Something about being sick and tired of being your little lap dog.
What did you say to her?
Tell me Hello?
Hi, Mrs. Jordan. May I speak to Jo Lynn, please?
Hi, Leigh Ann. She told me to tell you she wasn't home.
So whatever you two fought about, I hope you can work it out tomorrow.
I'm sure we will. Thank you, Mrs. Jordan.
Good night. Bye, dear.
Why are you like this?
Why are you so bitter and angry?
Why do you want to destroy me?
I don't want to destroy you. I want to teach you.
Oh, that is bullshit.
You know, you hide behind your degree, but the reality is...
is that you're jealous of every student you teach.
You never got out of this town, did you?
You went to high school here. Now you teach here,
and you're going to die here.
And you resent anyone who has a future,
anyone who's gonna get out and have a life.
No, I resent what you're going to do with that life.
Selfish, mindless pursuits of your generation...
will only bring us closer to destruction, and I despise it.
That is not good enough, Mrs. Tingle.
if you're disillusioned with the youth of today,
you have no one to blame but yourself.
Always the Salem witch
completely innocent, wrongly accused.
ironic, isn't it?
You still don't know what that word means.
But there's no irony involved.
would you please look that word up?
Oh, I am on to you, Mrs. Tingle. you're over.
you're trying to take as many people with you as you can,
but I am not scared of you.
Who do you think you're fooling?
you're so scared, I can smell it.
Your fear is the most predictable thing about you.
You've lived your whole life in fear
terrified of making a mistake;
scared to death you won't get that A,
that scholarship, that ticket out,
afraid you'll never escape your mother and her name tag,
or your father who won't return your calls.
That's why you've shunned Luke...
and every other boy who's ever tried to lay his hands on you.
You're afraid of getting that bad seed,
afraid of giving birth to a child you never wanted,
a child you could only blame for your own wretched existence
stuck in a small town with a small life,
destined to become that very thing you despise the most.
I know all about it, Leigh Ann.
I wrote the book.
I know you.
Hey. I found Tingle's grade book.
What's wrong with you?
Oh, God. I've wanted this. I've dreamt about this, exactly this.
Yeah? Don't ruin it.
Mrs. Tingle's grade book.
it has all the history grades.
What you get? I already know. I got a B
We can fix that. No, I can't do that.
You have your history teacher tied to a bed. Yes, you can.
But it won't fix anything.
Trudie Tucker got an A. She'll still be valedictorian.
Then we'll change her grade too.
No,... It's not right.
What's right anymore?
I'm gonna burn in hell for this. it'll be a party.
So what do you think happened to Jo Lynn?
I'll find out.
I'll be back right after school, and I'll pick up the pictures.
Listen. about last night
Hey, I know. it was just a one time, animal thing...
brought about by an intensely masochistic situation.
And it was a lot of fun.
Yeah. Yeah, it was.
Now, Josephine was just a little slit bag whore...
who was leaving her panties all over town.
And Napoleon was a short, little asshole...
who was killing people 'cause they were taller than he was...
while Josephine was home gang banging the townies.
And Napoleon had no idea. I mean, the poor guy was just completely clueless.
He was off conquering countries just as fast as he could
'cause he wanted to get back to her...
because he truly loved the hussy.
Yeah. Okay, that's all the review for today.
Now, Mrs. Tingle gave me her grade book, so I have all your project grades.
I'm going to post the on the back.
Jo. Hey, Miss Banks?
Yes, Roger Jo.
Jo, wait up. Oh, yeah.
I got a C? Yeah. A what?
Miss Banks Yes, Trudie.
There must be some mistake. I got a B.
Well, no. I got it right out of the grade book.
Does this look like a B to you?
Well, I what? I I don't know
I have never gotten a B in my life. I am an A student.
I'm the best student in this school. Okay, Trudie, just calm down.
This isn't a B. This is an A+. it's an A+
Okay, Trudie, just stop that now A B?
I don't think so.
Leigh Ann. There you are.
Yes, Miss Banks?
I've been looking all over the place for you.
Why? Well, it's about your history grade.
Apparently Mrs. Tingle's grade book was stolen.
It turned up in Miss Gold's office.
Some of the grades were altered; yours was one of them.
That's impossible. No. I just spoke to Mrs. Tingle.
What? You just talked to Mrs. Tingle?
Jo, look. We need to talk.
Did you call over here and pretend to be Tingle?
Did you? Did I what?
Did you speak to Miss Banks about the grade book?
I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what Tingle told
Look me in the eye and tell me that you didn't sleep with Luke.
Where did you hear that? Did Tingle say something?
Wrong answer, Leigh Ann.
Yes... I did sleep with him.
Jo, I'm so sorry.
I didn't think that I knew, but
I just listened to that little voice, like you said.
You pretend to be so innocent, but in reality you'll do anything to win.
you're worse than Tingle. you're a Tingle in sheep's clothing.
Look, Jo. Listen. I think Tingle's free, and I need your help.
Why don't you take your passive aggressive shit
and go manipulate like's ass.
Mr. Potter, please. Yes, it's about the grade book.
Good afternoon, Miss Watson.
Mrs. Tingle. How long have you been on the loose?
Oh, catch up, Leigh Ann. We're way past that.
Then why haven't you called the police?
I just called Mr. Potter. He's on his way.
I caught one of my best students cheating, and she and her lover...
stormed my house in anger and tried to attack me.
No, I won't go along with that.
I think you will.
You won't kill me.
What I have planned for you is a fate worse than death.
You'll wear that name tag so well.
That's all you care about, isn't it?
You just want to see me fail.
it's your destiny.
Haven't you learned by now that history always repeats itself?
No. I won't go along with that. I won't do it.
Yes, you will.
I'll be Tingle's alibi.
I'll tell how you orchestrated the whole thing. I've got the pictures.
The black mail table turns.
I'm not going down with you, Leigh Ann. You can ruin your life,
but you are not gonna ruin mine.
I thought you were my friend.
Don't tell me I can't act.
You won't shoot me. No?
Leigh! Leigh! Luke!
Leave her alone
Okay, Miss Watson. Leave her alone
is she dead?
Oh, my God.
You killed her, Mrs. Tingle.
I didn't mean to.
Oh, good Lord. What happened? Holy shit.
Tell him what happened. Tell him you shot her.
Yes, I I shot her. I didn't mean to. I thought it was you.
I don't know what I was thinking.
I just... wanted you... to learn.
You wanted me to fail.
Yes, I wanted you to fail.
Now she's dead, and I've killed her.
Oh, Jesus. I don't think so.
Well, not exactly.
Well, I'm calling the police.
I have wanted to say this to you for years... you're fired.
Now, that's ironic.
Well done, Miss Watson.
And now it is with great pleasure that I introduce...
this year's recipient of the Board of Excellence scholarship
Miss Leigh Ann Watson.