Trailer Park Boys: The Movie Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Trailer Park Boys: The Movie script is here for all you fans of the feature film. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Trailer Park Boys: The Movie quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Trailer Park Boys: The Movie Script


This is Julian.
Leave a message.

Hey, Julian, it's Ricky.

I got your message
about working tonight.

I guess I can probably work,
but I'm telling you one thing,

I'm need to get drunk as fuck.

And I need some good
fuckin' dope, Julian,

if I'm working for you tonight.
Not that shitty fuckin' mall dope

you usually show up here with.
Let's get high,

let's get drunk,
and we'll do this fuckin' job.

Did I tell him to meet us

- 15 minutes ago?
- Yes.

It's Ricky.

- Where the hell are ya?!
- Where is he?

Listen, I told you to be ready

15 minutes ago!

I gotta do some family stuff.
Lucy's freakin'...

Hey, Rick. Are you talking
on the phone to Julian?

Just a second.

No, I'm just in here
using the bathroom.

Why do have to lie to her?
Why can't you just tell her,

"I need to make some money
to support the family." Huh?

Look, if you're masturbating,
it's cool.

Just say, "Hey,
I'm masturbating." No big deal!

Yeah, I'm masturbating
big-time, Lucy.

Should you be on the phone
with him if he's masturbating?

...stuff cooked? Stuff...

Jesus Christ! I'm trying
to talk to Tony here!

The only reason
Lucy's pissed off

is because we don't have
a lot of money right now.

I'm not growing dope and I spent
our grocery money. I was wrong.

I want him close to me.

I want him
to be Trinity's father.

He is a good parent.

But until he stops working
with Julian,

he can forget
about being inside.

Lucy says
I can't come in the trailer.

No big deal.
I'm used to living in cars.

I've been living in cars
most of my life.

And people
kinda make fun of me,

throw bottles at me, say,
"How can you live in a car?"

But they just don't understand.
It's not that bad.

The way I look at it,

my car is kinda like
our family's cottage.

Trin comes out.

She helps me cook and stuff.
We have a good time.

Lucy comes out to the car
once in awhile,

we smoke some dope,
get drunk.

I'll bang Ricky.
I'll go visit him in his car.

I don't give a shit,

but he is not having sex
with me in my bed.

I've got everything
I need out here.

Enough make my own food
and take care of myself.

I don't owe anybody anything
in this park.

I don't pay lot fees,
'cause I live in my car.

It's awesome.
And basically my attitude is,

I don't cause problems in this park.

You don't fuck with me,
I'm not gonna fuck with you.

But don't fuck with me,

'cause I'm gonna start
fuckin' with you big-time.

Oh, fuckin' look who it is.

I don't know
what he's doing here.

Julian, what's going on?
What are you doing here?

We don't have time
for this, Ricky. Let's go!

you're getting drunk tonight, -

- but you're also working.
- I'm gonna call into work

for a couple of hours.
I'm sorry.

They couldn't find
Cory and Trevor;

if I don't work,
I'm getting fired.

And we need the money,

you know that.

Lucy, come here.

Look, I'll only gonna be
working for a couple hours.

I'll stop and get
a big bucket of chicken,

go to the liquor store,
get some great hash.

We'll get drunk,
smoke some dope,

and we'll bang tonight,
listening to April Wine.

Getting chicken
and banging, that's nice.


- Be careful.
- I will.

Here's the clearing stick, Ricky.

All right, Bubbs,
black it out.

These fuckin' shitty tools.

Move it, move it.

All right, it's clear.

All right, Jules.

What the fuck is that?!

What's up, dudes?!

Where's the bank machine
we're gonna rob?!

Turn that shit off!

Sorry, Ricky.

What are you guys thinking?

What are you guys doing?
This is the big show.

You show up late,
you blow our cover?

Eh, boys?

We are never, ever,
working with you idiots again.


I'm really considering
not hanging out

with you guys anymore.

You don't have to do that, Ricky.

Ricky, you really hurt Cory
and Trevor's feelings there.

Bubbles, they're the stupidest
fuck giraffes

in the dumb-dumb salad.

Fuck giraffes.

Look, Ricky, I know,
but you made them cry.

We're a little sick

of messing up, Julian,
every time.

That's not right.
They're our friends.

Now apologize.

I didn't mean
to make them cry.

Ricky, get over here
and apologize to these guys.

Jesus Christ.

You don't have
to bother apologizing, Ricky.

Come on.

Cory, Trevor,

I'm sorry I made you guys cry,
all right?

I'm not crying.

Now get the fuck out of here.
You gotta go.


Ricky, don't electra-cocksuck
yourself now.

Delicate, Ricky, delicate!

That's blue dye under pressure.

That whore blows
and we all look

like those blue, bald-headed dicks
that beat the drums.

Got it!

I'm surprised.

This is going really well, boys.

Holy fuck! My car!
I don't have fuckin' insurance!

Let's get the hell out of here, now!

Wait, Julian.

- Ricky, come on!
- Two seconds.

Ricky, I'm leaving without ya!

Julian, I'm taking a couple
of cartons of cigarettes.

Big deal!

Just a couple of cartons
of smokes, eh, Ricky?

Bubbles, they were free.
I couldn't leave them there.

I think we're okay, boys.

Boys, there's something flying
behind us right now

that looks just like
a police hell-a-cocksucker.

There's a fuckin'
hell-a-cocksucker behind us!

What do we do?!

Get rid of the evidence!

This fucker gonna
get to us, Julian?

I've got visual contact
heading due east Highway 7.

Julian, you gotta pull over,
man. I gotta piss!

Ricky, we're being pursued
by the cops!

No! Not gonna happen!

I can't hold it! I can't!

Sorry, Julian,

but I am not gonna piss myself,

Out of the car, Bubbs.

I'm not going anywhere
without you guys!

We're gonna get busted,
Bubbles. Come on!

This guy's stopped. /i

He's urinating.
He just pissed on himself here.

You better not put this
on the fuckin' news!

God, that was a good piss!

Fuck. Fuck.

- I told you not to stop!
- No big deal.

- We can talk our way out of this.
- I'm gonna freeze up. I can't do this.

Don't move!
Hands where I can see them!

- Stop right there!
- Hey, guys, how you doing?

Where are you coming from?

- Just back at the mall.
- We're not asking you.

We're asking the guy
with the mixed drink,

driving the car.

What's wrong?
Cat got your tongue?

Oh, real nice.

Making fun of a guy
who can't speak. He's mute.

He's deaf, too.
You got some jokes for that?

Maybe you can make him cry.

Anyway, guys,

I'm Trevor.

This is Cory.

Just put the guns away, guys.

You don't need your guns out.
We don't got fuckin' guns.

Put the guns down, seriously.

We don't need guns.
Put 'em away.

Talk it out.

I know
why you're pulling us over.

We set the alarms off at the
mall again, which is no big deal,

because we're
the window cleaners.

a guy that works with us, idiot,

backs his truck in
and slams into the smoke shop,

set the alarm off.
Friend of mine,

so I took the cigarettes.

Didn't want anyone
to steal them.

Anyway, we're gonna go back,

fix it up, no problem at all.

Guys, you gotta understand here.

I could lose my job over this
and I've got four kids.

What you doing running
a police chopper, Trevor,

with four kids?

We wasn't. I knew some shit
was obviously fucked up

and we saw the big,
stupid chopper in the sky

and pulled right over.

we're just gonna get goin'.

We got a lot of work to do,

fixing that window
and everything.

All right, Frank.

Listen, this is what
you're gonna do.

You're gonna go back,
clean up, get the alarms off,

call the security company,

so we don't have
to deal with it.

- All right?
- No problem.

Once you're done with that,

you gotta get this car legal
as soon as you can, okay?

- You got lucky tonight.
- You guys are really good cops.

You guys did... it was great.

- The way you had the chopper...
- Yeah, yeah...

You were right on us.
It was good.

- Thanks, Officer.
- All right, take off.

Appreciate it.

What about you, Cory?

You got kids?


Out of the vehicle.

I fuckin' had these dummies,
Julian! They're stupid!

Out of the car!

You had to take a piss,
didn't you? You fuckhead!

You were supposed to be deaf!
That door doesn't work!

Take him out this side,

Oh, nice sign language, Rick!
What the fuck was that?

I'm trying here, Julian!

He's not a bad goalie,

but he's dumb.

Ya suck, Ricky!

Get off the court!

I told you guys,
your time is up!

Suck it, Donny.

You suck it... more!

What kind of a comeback
was that?

I said suck it and you
just added "more" to it.

Because it's more.
You suck it more.

Fuckin' cocky chop, fuck-linker.

- Let's go, boys.
- That didn't make any sense.

Watch when you talk to me.
You're spittin' all over.

You guys fuckin' suck.

Donny is a fuckin' prick.
He's a senior guard,

and he's jealous,
'cause I came up

with the ball-hockey-league

I'm having a good time.
I've got 26 days left.

I plan on playing ball hockey
every day

and beating the guards
in the hockey tournament.

And Julian,

Julian's not having a good time.

He just drinks potato vodka
and lifts weights.

And I've seen a lot of guys
go down that road.

It's not a good road
to go down.

He's not happy in here,
and he should be playing hockey.

If he was playing hockey
and smoking dope,

Julian would be so much happier

than lifting weights
and drinking potato vodka.

That's what he chooses
to do, I guess.

Tell me something,

how did you get the name
Cadillac, anyway?

Because I'm smooth,

I drive straight,

and I got power-

personal power.

Took old Cadillac 29 years

to figure it out.
A lot of times,

the cons get out of jail, right?

And they want to do the
big dirty, that one big job -

you know,
make a lot of money, retire.

They end up retiring
back in here.

I did the big dirty.
You see where I am?

Forget the big dirty
when you get out. Don't do that.

Lots of guys here say
the big dirty's the way to go.

You find one big job,
do it right - no witnesses.

'Cause witnesses give up
prescriptions to the police;

once the police has your prescription,
you're fucked.

It's all about change, boy.

Change and nothing else.

I'm a criminal, Cadillac.
I can't change now, man.

I ain't talking
about that kind of change.

That's brilliant, man.

So if I do the big dirty,
then I can retire from crime,

have all the time in the world
to spend time with my family;

get my family life going again.
So that's what I'm doing.

Soon as I get out of here,
I'm doing the big dirty.

It's fuckin' perfect.

All right!

News flash!

Line up!

Hurry up.

Fuck off, Donny, you dick!

Who said that?!

Look what I got.

You're not gonna like this.

Well, ladies,
I got some news for ya!

Donny, what are you doing?

I'll tell ya what I'm doing, Ricky.

This prison's overcrowded

with dicks
and muscle dummies!

So I put in a word
with the warden

to let Ricky and Julian
out 26 days early!

Don't forget change, man, change.

- I won't. I won't.
- Don't forget my box of shit,

all right?
My box of shit, baby.

What are you doing?

Fuckin' prick.

Do you not see the red line, Cadill-ass?

Movie night is done
because of Cadill-ass!

Fuckin' asshole!

I can see what you're
fuckin' doing here, Donny.

You're fixing
the hockey tournament,

'cause you know you can't win
if I'm playing on the nets.

Let it go, Ricky.

Let it go, Ricky.

You and your pretty hair

and your blue eyes
shining like the sky, huh?

Shut up.

I'm not leaving.
I got 30 days left.

I'm serving every one of them,

then we're gonna fuckin'
kick your ass in hockey.

You're in jail

and I'm gonna let you
out of jail

and you want to stay for a
stupid ball-hockey tournament?

'Cause we're gonna win
and you know it.

- You're not gonna to win Ricky.
- And you're attracted to Julian.

I'm not attracted to Julian.
I'm attracted...

I'm not attracted to Julian.

You keep going on
about his blue eyes, -

- his nice hair and everything.
- 'Cause that's what you do.

- Sounds a little weird to me.
- No, it's not weird. Shut up.

- I'm not fuckin' leaving.
- You're leaving.

No, I'm not fuckin'
going anywhere.

- Wanna prove it?
- Sure.

Prove it.
Leonard, Duncan...

- Aw, you got to be kiddin'.
- Get this prick out of my jail.

This is such bullshit, Donny.
Gonna throw me out of jail, huh?

I've got every right
to be in this fuckin' jail,

serve my sentence!

Darren, you gotta play nets!

Wayne, don't get drunk
before the games!

Steve, move up to left wing!

Fuck sakes, you fuckers!

If I fuckin' see you
on the outside, Donny,

I'm gonna kick your fuckin' ass!

I'll fight you anyplace,

anytime, anywhere.

Donny, it's Ricky.

Look, man,
I'm sorry I freaked out.

You gotta please
let me back in jail.

Please let me play
in the hockey tournament.

Donny, come on. I'm sorry.

No chance, Ricky.

You suck it!

No matter how many times
those guys go to jail,

it just never gets easier.

I mean,
me and Ricky and Julian,

we grew up together

and we're closer
than brothers, so...

I mean, when they go to jail,
everything just stops for me.

I just end up, you know,

working on dirty
old shopping carts.

Fixing them up, selling
them back to the grocery stores.

I only make
about 80 bucks a month.

You know, just enough
for cat food and lot fees.

Who's a good boy?

Half the time, all I can do
is just mark off days

on the calendar,
waiting for them to get out.

Dad! Bubbles!

I'm really proud
of my boy, Rick,

'cause as soon
as he gets out of jail,

he goes right back to work.

I, unfortunately,
haven't been able to work

since the accident, so...
stuck in this thing. It sucks.

But, you know,

at least I get a government
disability check every month

and, you know, I...
keep getting one, you know,

as long as I'm careful, so...

Hey, Ray.

- Boys. Hey, Ricky.
- Hey, Dad.

Aw, man,
is it ever good to see you.

- I missed you, buddy.
- I missed you too, bud.

No way.

You got me
some dope plants?

- Check it out.
- Old man came through!

Ah, yeah.

Check it out, boys!

- Hey, Bubbles.
- Ricky!

Dad, let me tell ya, thinked
over a lot of stuff in jail.

It's just gonna come
about my family now.

I gotta be a better dad
for Trin,

and I want Lucy back.

Yeah, dude, what's up?!

All right!

Okay, we'll followyou!

What do the fuck do these
dicks here think they're doin'?

Don't start any shit
with them, Rick.

Exit the vehicle, please,

Heard you boys
were getting out today.

Welcome back to Sunnyvale,

- Jim.
- Ricky.

We need to go over
some new park laws, boys.


You're not a cop anymore,
remember? You got fired.

You're just a drunk
trailer-park supervisor now.


Actually, I resigned
from the force, Ricky.


Yeah, I make, uh, $16,500 here,

at Sunnyvale, as supervisor.

Randy makes $4,600.
That's pretty good money.

First 10 years I ran this park,
things were simply perfection.

Trailers were well-kept,
people respected each other.

Then things changed.

Things changed with Julian,
Bubbles and...

mostly Ricky.

Better watch the way you speak
to Mr. Lahey, Rick!

You better watch the way
you go fuck yourself, Randy.

Ricky! Ricky!

It's all right!
It's all right!

Come on, look,
we got catching up to do.

Let's just go.

I'll tell you right now,
leave us alone!

Go get drunk,
supervise the park.

Mr. Lahey hasn't had a drink
in almost two months!

Come on, Ricky,

let's start things off
on the right foot here.

All right, Randy.

I've been a bit
stressed out lately.

Shouldn't be takin' it
out on you guys.

Sorry, Jim. Didn't realize
you quit drinking.


We don't want any trouble here, guys.



This is great, boys.

we all want the same thing.

For Sunnyvale Trailer Park
to be a nice place to live,

just like it used to be.

No problem, Mr. Lahey.
We're just happy to be home.

So, we good here?
Can we go through the gate now?

Sure, Rick.
Keep your nose clean.

Randy, open the gate.

Won't be necessary, Randy.

You guys can both fuck off.

Randy, don't let me start
drinking again, bud.

- Whazzup?!
- Whazzup?!

Whazzup? I told you to stop
saying that three years ago.

Now get the fuck away from me.
Come up with somethin' better.

Cory and Trevor
are so fuckin' stupid.

They run around
saying they got their grade six,

but nobody remembers them
in grade six.

I remember them in grade five.

But one thing I do know
about Cory and Trevor,

their brains work
on the same level as horses.

I mean,
they look around like horses.

They hear a loud noise
they get scared like a horse.

They're unpredictable.
Just so fuckin' dumb.

See you guys later, all right?

Stay for a couple drinks
with the boys.

Come on, you just got out.

I'm spending the night
with Lucy tonight.

I'm getting drunk
with my family.

What are Bubbles, Julian
and the old man,

if not your family?

Come to Lucy's.
We'll get stoned,

get drunk as fuck.
It'll be a great night.

I gotta go, though.
Ricky? Rick!

God, Ray,
should we have told him -

- what's going on with Lucy?
- No, man, he's...

he's gotta figure this one out
for himself, buddy.

You're a month early.

What the fuck
are you doing here?

I live here, Ricky.

You think Lucy can pay
the rent by herself?

I'm out of jail now,
so I'll be taking care of the fees,

'cause I'm gonna be making
a shitload of money.

I want you to stay
the fuck away

from Lucy and Trinity.
I'm serious.

I want to talk to Lucy
and Trinity right now.

- I'm fuck-offious.
- Excuse me! Excuse me!

Lucy's not gay anymore,

She hasn't done gay shit
since high school.

Lucy never graduated
from high school, Ricky.

I never graduated either
and I'm not gay.

That's not what I heard.

What, were you talking to Julian?

I knew Lucy
was only an eighth gay.

She banged a lot of chicks back
in high school, including Sarah.

I banged a lot of chicks
back in high school,

including Sarah,
so it kinda cancels out.

One night, me and Lucy got drunk,
started talking,

realized both of us were banging
a lot of the same chicks.

One thing led to another,
kinda got together,

and we're just going
from there.

Oh, you haven't heard
about Lucy's new job yet, have you?

Lucy's working?

She's got an awesome new job.

What new job? She working
down at Horton's again?

She doesn't need you
anymore for anything.

Nice flowers.

What're you talking about, Sarah?

Where is she, Sarah?!

She's in "fuck-off land," Ricky!

Ricky worries me sometimes.
I got a great plan here

and I need him.
He's my wingman.

Don't need him gettin'
all screwed up over Lucy.

We don't have time for chicks
right now.

We gotta steal change.

How many hotdogs do you want, Julian?

- Four.
- Four?!

Well, I guess
I don't get any, then.

'Cause Ray's gonna have
half o' them!

- Give me two, then.
- No, no!

Oh, yeah, so you...

you just get out of jail
and now you're telling me

you're gonna be robbing
change out of parking meters.

That's fuckin' just great,

Bubbs, it's way safer.
You can't go to jail.

We just got to talk Ricky
out of doing the big dirty.

It's stupid.

Hey, Ricky.

- Hey, Rick.
- Hey, buddy.

Listen, Dad, Bubbs,

is there something you guys
aren't telling me about Lucy?

Bubbs, why don't you, uh...?

Ray, you...

Why do you always stick me
with the horseshit?!

Lucy got new boobs, Ricky.

Lucy got new boobs?

Lucy's body's perfect.

You oughta see it now, buddy.


You saw Lucy naked?

Down at the Gentleman's Club, Rick.

They're not too big
and they're not too small.

Trevor, how the fuck
did you see Lucy naked?

At the Gentleman's Club.

She works
at the Gentleman's Club, Ricky.

That's what we're saying.

The strip club?

Gentleman's Club.

It's been a hard day

In the city

And it affects you
in the most peculiar way


We've said all that
there is to say

And if you were
to ask me questions

You don't really want to know

Your concern is just for show

Just for show-oh-oh-oh

Your name's a number

Just press a button

Your memories lost
but they've not forgotten

They tried to break our...
our lust for passion

They tried to tell us
that it's not in fashion

And if you were
to ask me questions

What are we fighting for...

- Hey.
- Hey.

Lucy, I just came here
to see you.

Can I have a hug?
I really missed you, in jail.

Okay, close enough.

There you go.
Nice big hug.

Oh, that was a nice hug.
- Mmm-hmm.

So how's Trinity doing?

Off the rails is how she's doing.
She's stealing barbecues again.

Yeah, things are really
different now, Rick.

Really different.

Why, are you bangin'
somebody or somethin'?

Hey, Sonny, this is Ricky.

Ricky, good to meet you, buddy!

How are ya?
I've heard a lot about you.

Rick, this is Sonny, my boss.

I own the joint.
What can I tell you?

So is everything good?
You gettin' everything you need?

- Yeah, we're fine.
- Great. It's a $10 cover.

Oh, you know what?
He's my guest.

Here's 10 bucks.

Stop digging in the ashtray,
will you, buddy?

This is a gentleman's club.

Look, I'm properly gentlemanly.

I just came here
to talk to Lucy.

You got a problem with that?

Can you just give us a minute?
Can we talk?

Yeah, hey, no problem.

What do you need?

You know,
it's a two-drink minimum,

and no touching the ladies,
Ricky, especially her.

You got two minutes.


I'm gonna need you
in the VIP room.


Fuckin' dick!

You know how much it is

to get into that room?
Twenty bucks!

You know how much cat food
I'd get for that?!

Good job, boys.

Go find some more.

Try to get me a vodka o. j.

I'm drinking gin and Seven, please.

I'm drinking rum and Coke.



You're good.

You're good. Okay.

Are you fucked?!

She's just trying to hustle me
for lap dances and drinks.

- It's part of her job. Chill out.
- So?!

Listen. We have no time
for women right now.

We gotta concentrate
on the job tomorrow

and stay focused, okay?

I'm focused, Julian.

She's looking over here.

Is she?

Julian, she's on fire!

God, this place makes me frisky!

Lucy, it's not just about
horny stuff this time.

There's love stuff, too.

Listen, we could have a couple drinks,

take care of the horny stuff,
but that's it.

Any chance I can get
a couple of cigarettes off ya?

Look, I gotta go.

No matter what happens
between you and me,

you gotta start growing dope,
and you gotta get some money.

You gotta get your life together.

Look... I didn't mean to be
so forward... earlier, you know?

I don't know anybody
around here.


So I'm just looking
for somebody to hang out with.

I didn't mean any harm.
You just seem like a good guy.

How about we go see
a movie sometime?

- Okay!
- Yeah?

Okay. Okay.

Julian, can we please
get the fuck out of here?!

You're friends
with the ashtray miner?

And you're stealing drinks too?

What did you just say to me, huh?

You see this drink?
It's my drink!

I brought it from home.
I don't steal fuckin' drinks, bud!

- Yeah, Tony, pool room, please.
- What kind of accusations?

We don't steal drinks,
thank you very much.

Bubbles, what the fuck is going on?

I got caught stealing drinks.

Listen, you tell
your little door pansies

to let go of my friends
and we'll leave like gentlemen.

Yeah. Okay, let 'em go.

You heard me, let 'em go.

Thanks, Sonny. Good times.

We need to make some money.

I know.

I promised Lucy
I can't work for you.

Ricky, if you want Lucy back,

you gotta start
growing dope again,

and you're gonna need lights,
tables, fertilizer.

Yup. That's why I'm doing
the big dirty.

No, you'll start stealing
change with me tomorrow, Rick.


Listen, I don't really want
to do this either, but, I mean,

I gotta get money
for cat food!

You know,
I'd feel a lot more comfortable

if you were in on that
with us, Ricky.

You know.

Rick, I don't want to do this
without you, okay?

We got a great team here.

Come on.


All right, I'll do it.

But the cock-muffin twins
better be on their game. No fuckups.

We start training
them tomorrow.

What the fuck?

What the fuck are you guys...?
Get the fuck out of my car!

When you're looking
for something new

We've got a special friend
for you

Gives you more...
- Bubbs!

Our service...

Bubbles, what the hell's
going on with your cats?

I thought they were trained.

They're in my car.
They pissed on my cigarettes.

- They're pooping in my dope.
- Well, Ricky,

did you notice how damp
it is in here?

Yeah, this shed is fucked.

They're not digging it in here,
right now.

They like your car,

'cause it's dry.

And, I mean,
these are free-range kitties,

you know that.
They do as they please.

I'm sorry, Bubbs.
I'm just grumpy.

I mean, the cats
kept me up all night,

and thinking about Julian
wanting to steal change

from parking meters.
It's embarrassing.

Well, Ricky, it's theft under a thousand,

you know, and...

it'll keep you
from going to jail on me.

I know.
You're right.

And don't worry
about the shed, man.

We'll get it fixed up one day.

Smell him!

He smells like cigarettes.

He does smell like cigarettes
a bit, I guess.

Kitties aren't supposed
to smell like cigarettes.

They're supposed
to smell like kitties.

Aren't ya?

Sorry, Bubbs.
I'm just grumpy, man.

They kept me up all night
fuckin' with me.

You should put a new shirt
on maybe, Ricky.

Excuse me.

Please tell me
that's not Trinity's breakfast.

- That's pathetic.
- Trevor made it. It's fine.

Whatever. You're lucky
Lucy's still asleep.

Don't start shit
with me and Lucy again, please.

I'm not starting shit
with you and Lucy.

- I told you to leave her alone.
- That's not gonna happen.

- Whatever. Hey, sweetie.
- Hey.

Remember you are grounded, okay?

So don't leave the park,
all right?

So, Trin, does Mom talk about me at all?

Do you think I got a chance
of getting back with her?

Yeah, if you stop working with Julian.

Are you gonna stop
stealing barbecues

and selling them
at the flea market?

No way!
That gets me money!

Okay, Trin,
what we're doing here is wrong.

The only reason we're doing it
is 'cause you're hungry,

Dad's got no money
and I'm late for work.

Welcome to Danny and Terry's.

- What's popping?
- Yeah, how's it going?

I came through here
two hours ago.

I had a huge order for
a picnic and it's all messed up.

I'm missing, uh,
two cheeseburgers and...

Orange pop and onion rings.

Three or four orange pops,
some onion rings.

I got kids crying
back at this picnic.

Mothers are pissed off at me
and it's your fault.

I gotta get this food fast.
So, please.

I don't want to get the manager
involved, but I will.

I'm terribly sorry, sir.
Please drive through.


You gotta quit smoking,
I'm serious.

I was reading
these word papers in jail

and it's really bad for ya.

Come on, we'll both go on
the patch again together.

You can do it.

I guess if you'll do it with
me again, I guess I could try.

Hey, that's all I'm asking.

Hand over the cigarettes.

I'm gonna need your lighter
from you, too.

And a couple of bucks for gas,
if you got it.

Thanks, sweetie.

You guys really gotta get
your shit together in there.


Hey, Jim.


I have a little question for you.

You wouldn't know
why the lot fees

have been dwindling over
the last two months, would you?

Barb likes to power trip on me

all the time.

We were married once.

She actually, uh, made me
supervisor here at Sunnyvale.

She doesn't like when the lot fees
don't come in on time.

She doesn't like that I have
a little problem with alcohol.

And she sure doesn't like Randy.

Can you and Randy handle
taking care of this park,

or should I get somebody
who can?


I want the lot fees collected, deposited,

and if somebody
is three months behind

and doesn't pay,
I want them out!

Good? Good!

Look, I'm working on it.

Sunnyvale is the most important
thing in my life. You know that.

You sure it's not getting drunk

and walking around the park
with the Hamburglar?

For God's sake, Jim,
get it together!

What time is it, Bubbs?

He's a couple minutes late, Julian.

- He'll be here, though.
- He'll show up.

All right, Cory and Trevor,
do not attract attention.

Hey, Julian.

Well, I can't believe
I fuckin' agreed to this,

but let's go steal
your little bits of change.

No talking!
Get over there!

Julian, you waiting
for more people

to put money in these things
or what? Come on!

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

These are the wrong size.

You even check the screwdrivers?
They don't fit!

Would you stop trying
to ruin this for everyone

and concentrate, please?

Completely different mechanism
than what we trained on.

Fuckin' tools are greasy.

Great! Cory, give me
you're fuckin' shirt.

Let's go.

It's a bit of a fuckup here, Julian.

What are we gonna do?

Shut it down.

- Shut it down.
- Shut it down?

Shut it down.

Julian, that's probably a good idea.

We should rethink this,
get some better tools.

All right, we'll get better tools,

come back tomorrow.
No big deal.

I'll show you better tools.
Hold these, Bubbs.

- I'm taking over this job.
- Ricky.

What's he mean,

better tools?

Listen, I said shut it down.

I'm finishing
what you started, Julian -

- stealing change.

Boys, look out!

Everybody, calm down!
Nothing to see here!

Just doing some accident testing
for the city!

Cory, Trevor,
meters in the trunk. Come on!

You got it!

Basically, we're just testing

to see the strength
of the metal against cars,

and these two guys are just
gonna load them up now.

Everything went great.


Cory, cover your package up!

People are eating
and your bird's out!

If this what you want to do -
steal change with fuck-biscuit

and the naked dummy - go ahead.
I got better things to do.

I'm gonna find the big dirty.
I'm doing it by myself.

Thanks for the shirt, dude.

Any time, man.

Cory, get your ass off my car!

Randy, I want to talk to you
in the office for a minute, boy.

Mr. Lahey, you're breaking up, over.

Randy, I want to talk to you
in the office for a bit, over!

Mr. Lahey, -

- what's up with the abrupt Randy?
- Randy.

- Mr. Lahey!
- Randy.

- Mr. Lahey!
- Randy!

- Fuck...
- Randy!

All we need
is a new receipt logbook

that says Ricky, Julian,

and Bubbles's lot fees
are unpaid.

What are you talking about,
Mr. Lahey?

The guys have paid
their lot fees.

- Randy!
- Where'd all the money go?

Where did your George Foreman
grill come from, Ran?

All I'm saying
is if they want to engage

in a little shit-war,
we're gonna win.

This little technicality
is our secret shit-weapon.

It'll be like a... an intermediate-range


Hey, Wanda.

Whoa, nice!
Can I drive it?


Cory and Trevor were supposed
to fix this for me.

Who's Cory and Trevor?

They're my assistants.

- You have assistants?
- Yeah.

Two for "The Dark Canuck."

I have bills.

I've gotta get rid
of this change anyway.


Don't be sorry.

So I hear
you done a little time.

- Who told you that?
- Lucy told me.

Don't listen to her.

I have a little confession to make.

- What?
- I've been in jail, too.

Usually, guys,
I tell them I've been in jail -

- and they get all weird.
- No way.

So now I only date guys
that have been in jail,

'cause those are only ones
who can relate.

Well, I don't wanna brag
or anything,

but I've been in jail
a few times.

Jail's a part of life.
What's the big deal?

- It's not a big deal.
- It's kind of fun.

I think it's fun.

Want to see the new bra
I got yesterday?

- That's... Where'd you get that?
- I stole it.

- That's nice fabric.
- Why are you nervous?

I'm not nervous.

- Yeah, you're all boob nervous.
- I'm not boob nervous.

I'm just...

I know there's a man in there.

I'm calling mall security.
You better come out now!

All right, you got us.

What's up?

You guys can't be doing
that in here.

Finish it off, bud.

Do you want popcorn?

I'm gonna get, um,
oh, I'm gettin' nachos,

with cheese and a hotdog,

some chocolate-covered raisins.
Do you like raisins?


Hmm? What?

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm just thinking
about work and stuff.


I almost got it, Ricky!
Help me!

Hold it there for a second.
I'll get it.

Not like that!
Jesus Murphy!

Oh, my God!



Julian, we got one open!

Guess what, boys?

I've got some good news.

Ricky, I've been thinking
about the big dirty lately.

You've been thinking
about the big dirty?

And I think I've found it.
I was at the movie theater,

and they've got
this kick-ass coin machine

filled with twonies and loonies.

And check this out:
two hours of the day,

there's only
one person working.

- This is perfect, boys!
- So you stole my idea.

I'm Mr. Big Dirty,
Julian, not you.

Ricky, it's a combination
of both ideas.

It's still about change
and still untraceable.

What do you say, Bubbs?
You in?

I don't know, Julian.

I mean, would I make enough
to fix up my shed

and get a bit
of cat food going?

You'll have enough cat food
for 10 years.

This is the big-time, boys.

Oh, my God!

Jesus Murphy!


Mr. Lahey, not the liquor!

Chill, Randy,
I know what I'm doing.


what's the plastic for?

I'm trying to fix my roof.
It's leaking.

What's all this, uh,

paraphernalia here?

It's for the "Supercats" cat show.

I do that every year.
You know that.

Where's Ricky and Julian?

None of your business, actually.

When are you expecting
your baby, Randy?


when your little shit-pals
get back,

here's something
you can tell 'em:

tell them you received
official notice today

that this shit-shack...

...has been
officially condemned...

by the power and authority
invested in me

by the Trailer Park
Supervisors Act.

I am officially condemning
this shed.

You can't do that, Mr. Lahey!

That's all I have
for me and my kitties!

Shit-clock's ticking, Bubbs,
for you, your shit-rats,

and your shit-turd friends!

Crazy drunk bastard.



What did you say, Bubbles?

I didn't say anything.

Hope they don't shit on you, Bubbles.

Shit on me? Who?


Big, dirty shit-hawks.

They're coming, Bubbles.

They're flying in low.

They're swooping down,

shitting on people,

and dragging them off
to the big shit-nest.

I'm worried about Lahey, boys.

He's threatened me
and he's back on the liquor

and he's got that crazy look
in his eye again.

He's gonna do something,
I'm telling ya!

Bubbles, Lahey is a drunk
trailer-park supervisor

and Randy's a drunk
cheeseburger eater.

Fuck them!
Just tell them to fuck off!

Well, I do, Ricky,

but it doesn't work
like when you do it.

I just need you to help me
with my shed. Now, come on.

We can't tonight.
We're going to the strip club.

Ricky, maybe I'd like to go
to a strip club too, you know,

and get my drink on
and look at fly hos,

but I can't.
I gotta work on this shit!

we're not staying there.

We're coming back here.

There's a huge party
at J-Roc's tonight!

I've known J-Roc and Tyrone

since probably
grade six or seven;

we used to be in
the chess club together.

Then they got into like,
heavy-metal music, grunge music,

then they both became MCs.

- Check one, two.
- Three, four, check.

Check, check, T.
J-Roc and T.

And he also makes movies.
I don't know if you knew that,

but he makes grease movies
that he sells

at convenience stores
and gas stations.

Dirty, greasy stuff.

Like you can imagine
what's going on in them.

Dirty stuff.

I can make you scared

If you want me to

I'm not prepared

But if I have to

I said I could make you scared

It's kind of what I do

If you're prepared

- Here's what I propose to do...
- Lucy...

...may I please
have this lap dance?

Phil, honey, can you go get me a drink

and I'll owe you
half a lap dance?

- Sure.
- Thanks.

what are you doing here?

I told you not to come
visit me at work.

Just wait for me outside,
I'll be out in a second.

I don't want you to see
this shit. I'm working.

Lucy, I don't care
about lap dancing.

It's cool.
You're good at it.

Remember how it used to be?
When I was growing dope,

you had your hair salon going.

You used to cook for me
and Trin all the time.

Remember how perfect that was?

Well, yeah,

those were the good old days.

I needed to come visit you,

I want to talk to you about
something very important later.

VIP pass right now.
This is the fuckin'

"Very Important Personnel room."

It's not the "unemployed,
just-got-out-of-jail dumb room."

Very funny.

Take it easy.
I got lots of money tonight.

Yeah? Well, my girlfriend
doesn't give lap dances

to dirty trailer-park trash.
We clear on that, dick-chops?


You banged Lucy?

28 times.

Lucy, you bang this dick?

Well, yeah, but, you know,

you were gone
for, like, 18 months.

What do you want me to do?
I mean...

Lucy, I know I was in jail

and you have needs,
but this idiot?

I thought about you nonstop
when I was in jail -

you and Trin.

I can't believe this.

I'm sorry.

Like, I really fucked us up
by going to jail, didn't I?

Good luck, I guess.

Get the fuck out of my club!

What do you need?

You're lucky I don't want
to go back to jail.

Ricky's really trying
hard here, Lucy.

Yeah, he's clearly trying.

Listen, he was throwing
a party tonight!

That's what he was
going on about, a party?

- Yeah.
- Oh, man, I gotta go find him.

I can't believe you banged
that Sonny guy 28 times!

- It was 10 or 15 times max!
- Pfft!

Don't pfft me.

Fuckin' I gotta go.
I gotta get a cab.

Do you wanna come
to a party tonight?


- I have to go change first.
- Okay.

You can drive my car!

I just picked it up.

Hey, man, what's up, dude?


Bubbles, what's up, man?

Yeah how many times
have you sat out the deck

Gettin' wrecked
and when you collect a check

Knowin' that's as good as life
is ever gonna get

Know when you fuck a park
It's in your blood your sweat

Dat's some doubts and dat's
some bouts of insanity...

...Stole a diamond ring
to make my girl my wife

You're a wife wife...

That's trailer park life

- So this is where you grew up?
- Yeah, this is home.

- What do you think?
- It's gorgeous!

- Want a drink?
- Yeah.

For fuck sakes!

Fuck off with the fireworks!

This empty space
I've held so long...

you're the best captain we ever had.

Can't wait till you get
arrested again.

Hard as fuck."

And now I see
the way it's done

I thought we'd led a life before

Who we were well I'm not sure

But one thing I know is right

I loved you then

I'm going to love you tonight

I'm on fire for you baby

Fire for you woman

All night

I'm on fire for you baby

Fire for you woman

All night

So don't take your time
it's getting late

We might lose if we hesitate

'Cause being free is lots of fun...

Ricky, I don't love Sonny.

I don't love him either.
I think he's a fuckin' dick!

No, I mean...

I love you.



Lucy, I know I fucked us up.

I mean, what kind of boyfriend
can I be in jail?

I'm sorry. I mean,
it's cool you're banging Sonny.

I mean, it's no big deal.
It was my fault.

And it was like
five times, right? Max.

It doesn't matter.
It's totally done.

It's so good to hear
you say that.

I really thought
it was 28 times.

I knew the fucker was lying.

You want some pizza?
I got some cookin'.

With all the time spent on trying

Then to lose your loving...

That's Moroccan Blond hash.

It's pretty mild, but it's good.

Do you want to get drunk
with me tonight?

Hang out here for a bit
and head over to the party?


How many cigarettes you got, Luce?

I got a deck.

Fuck. We're gonna have to get
some cigarettes tonight.

So come on girl
we'll raise the sky

We'll break on through
we'll get so high

And don't worry
about tomorrow's world...

- Just a sec. Hold on.
- What?

I'm into something serious
right now, something real heavy.

There's a chance
I could be going to jail.

Just thought I'd tell ya
so you don't fall for me, okay?

Well, what makes you think
I wouldn't wait for you

if you went back to jail, huh?
Jail's no big deal, remember?

Look at that, Ran.

Check that out.

He's got a broken rear window.

Probably hot.

Get the license number
and we'll call it in, buddy.

Right now, it gives me great
pleasure to introduce all y'all

to the two stars of "Fire Hoes"!

Give it up, y'all,
for Galaxy and Dazzle.

And I'm pleased
to announce tonight

that we in development
on my new film,

"Spaghetti Hoes."
We also working on "Ida-hoes."

Know what I'm saying?
And "Cheeri-hoes."

So look out for all those.
You know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying,
saying, s-saying?

Hey. T, can I borrow
the microphone for a second?

How's everybody doin'?


Things are finally starting
to come together for me

and it's all
because of one woman.

A woman that's been really cool
with me being in and out of jail

since I was nine years old;
cool with me

growing dope when
I was in grade seven until now.

Cool with me smoking dope,

getting drunk with my friends,

playing video games
with my friends.

I mean, I live in a car.

That's why I want you all here
to see me proposal her.


I want to ask for your hand
in about marriage.

What do you say, Lucy?

Will you marry me?

Well, there's you know,

there's a condition, right?

you've gotta promise

you don't go back to jail.
And if...

you promise that, then...

all right, then, yeah,
fuck it, I'll marry you.

I promise that I don't think
I'm ever going back to jail.

Cheers to Ricky and Lucy.

Show us your tits!

Show us the tits, Lucy!

Come on, feature dancer!
You can do it!

You want to see my tits?!

- Oh, Lucy, what are you doing?
- Uh-oh, don't do it, Lucy.

Yeah, fuck it, here you go!

You look great, honey!

- Those are big, Mr. Lahey.
- Unbelievable, Ran.

What a greasy whore show.

Hope you're fuckin' happy
with yourself.

You know, everybody saw
Lucy's tits tonight.

A couple of people saw 'em, Sarah,

and everybody loves tits.
What's the big deal?

That's not the point, Ricky.
It's embarrassing.

Lucy, I had a great night, okay?
Drink some water.

I'm gonna sleep in the car
so I don't wake you.

- Yeah.
- I can't wait to get married.

Sarah, you got any
rolling papers?

I think your shirt's
looking good tonight, Ricky.

Lucy, I'm getting fucked up tonight.

I'll see you tomorrow around
12:00, 1:00?

All the kitties are out, Mr. Lahey.

- Boy, they're cute!
- Randy.

Mr. Lahey, you're in reverse!

Gna, gna, gna, gna, gna, gna.

These shit-buckets
will follow my rules, Randy.

I'd like to order
some orange juice, please.

Oh, apple juice
would be wonderful.

What's your friend doing?

Bubbs, don't you move!

I've lived in that fucking shed
since I was six years old and...

and it didn't just fall down
on its own!

It got smashed down
by a fuckin' drunk shit-hustler!

Fuckin' shit-twister

and that big, dirty,
onion-ring bastard, Randy!


- Hand over the nunchucks!
- No way, Julian!

This is not the way
to deal with this!

Cory, Trevor, get over here
and give me a hand!

- Grab his legs!
- Don't grab my legs.

All right, calm down.

Calm down, count to 10.
Everything's gonna be cool.

Let go of my leg!

Good afternoon, gentleman.

It is my pleasure
to inform you

that you have 30 days
to quit the environs

of Sunnyvale Trailer Park

for just cause of non-payment
of lot fees.

- Adios, amigos.
- Give me that.

What the fuck
are you talking about?

We paid our money.
I live in a fuckin' car, Lahey!

- Oh, yeah?
- We're not goin' anywhere.

Keep your hands to yourself.

No, and the only thing you're evicting

is the fuckin' cheeseburgers
that are Randy's gut!

Frig you, Rick.
Yeah? Frig me, Randy?

- Don't push me!
- You want to fuckin' go?

'Cause I've been waitin'
to fight you

for a long fuckin' time!

Aw! Fuck!
The smell of cheeseburgers!

Why did you knock
my shed down?!

Bubbles, that is a dangerous...

dangerous weapon!

- You fight dirty, Ricky!
- You like that?

I'll fucking unload one on ya!

Fucker. Hey, Lahey!
Guess what?

Randy's leaking cheeseburger!


- You fuckin' like that?!
- I don't like it at all, Rick!

- Bubbles...
- Let's go, Lahey!

Boys, cops!

It's a dangerous weapon!

Oh, my fuck!

That's enough!
Break it up!


Barb, will you tell
Officer Pineapple-Cock

and fucky-the-drunk-clown here -

- we're all paid up!
- Well, I wish I could, Rick,

but according to Randy's
neatly kept records,

you're all three months over.

We paid our lot fees, Barb!
This is bullshit!

No, it's not.

You guys are gone.
Evicted, all of you.

Well, what about what that
drunk bastard did to my shed?

Let's talk about drunk
trailer-park supervisors

getting drunk as fuck,
ruining peoples' lives!

Maybe I should look into

how your daughter's
stealing barbecues

and selling them
at the flea market.

Eh, Rick?
Would you like that?

Don't mess with me, Rick.

Come on, Bubbs.

Thirty days, boys.

Thirty sexy days, Julian.


- You're gonna pay for this.
- Hey, Rick, knock-knock.

Who's there?

A loser, Rick.

Guess what losers do, Ricky?

They lose.

There's no mustard.

No bologna sandwiches either, Julian.

Like, what are we going
to do here?

I mean,

we paid our lot fees.

Lahey and Randy told a fib
to Barb and...

I mean, that's it.

We're done here, Julian.
There's no hope.

Wait, wait, wait.
I've got an idea, Bubbs.

- Bubbs, look at me.
- No.

- Bubbles, look at me.
- No!

Look at me, please!

All we've gotta do

is the big dirty, today.

Do you think
that's a good idea, Julian,

doin' another massive robbery?

Bubbs, if we do this,
we'll be able to pay the lot fees

directly to Barb this time.
It's gonna be easy, man!

All right, Julian.

Let's do it, then.

- Let's do the big dirty.
- Hey, Bubbs,

don't be throwing sandwiches
around the trailer again, man.

- Come on.
- Sorry, Julian.

Lahey's right.

I'm a loser.


We're gonna deal with this
Lahey bullshit later, I promise.

But the big dirty's
happening now

and we need you, Rick.

It's a five-man job.

Come on, you're my wingman.

A lot of planning
went into this, Ricky.

I lost my credulence, boys.

I don't think
I got what it takes.

I can't do it.

No offense, guys, but...

I think I'm as stupid
as you guys are.

No way, Ricky.

You're the coolest guy in the park,
and the smartest.

Me and Cory have always
looked up to you.

And if you lose your... credulence,
where does that leave us?

'Cause without you
it's like we don't have a dad

or a big brother or somethin'.

- We love you, Ricky!
- For real, dude.

Sometimes me and Trevor
pretend we're you.

Don't go tellin' 'em that.


you guys pretend you're Ricky?

Yeah, it's the only time

we feel cool.

You guys really pretend
that you're me?


Come on, Ricky.

Come on, Ricky.

Two for "Freak Turbulence."

Come on, Bubbles, keep it together.

This is the big dirty!

- Ricky's on line.
- Bubble's on line.

Julian on line.

- Cory on line.
- Trevor on line.

Let's do the big dirty!

All right, you fuckin' idiots!
Clear the fuck out!

Don't nobody get stupid!

- What do you want, man?
- No talking!

Cory, Trevor, confidence check.

Confidence 100 percent.

At about 70 percent, Julian.

Seventy percent?
Trevor, bring it back up to 100!

Stop fuckin' around here!

Julian, don't be too hard on 'em.
Cory and Trevor, you guys rock.

Thanks a lot, Ricky.
I'm at 100 percent.

Still at 100 percent.

Bubbles at position two!

Go time!

Cory, Trevor, you're doing good.

You're doing a great job.
Nice work, boys.

Come on, boys, scoop!

Scoop like the wind!

Scoop! Scoop!
Scoop! Scoop! Scoop!

Ricky, let me help you!

What the fuck is wrong with you?!

Come on, Trevor,
scoop the fuckin' change!

Get the fuck off me, Trevor!


You stupid cock-tractors!

Oh, no, boys.

There's people coming out
of the theaters!

Boys, what are we gonna do?

No big deal. Just a fire drill.
There's nothing to see here!

They're real criminals, Dad!

They're robbing the change.

What the fuck
happened in there?!

Come on,
we kind of messed up here.

It's not the first time,
fuckin' Cory!

- What the fuck was...?
- Get the popcorn bags!

What the fuck you looking at,


- Ricky, we're blocked in!
- The fuck we are!

- Fuck!
- Darryl!

Boys, do you guys
think that it might be

a big deal that 10,000 people

just saw us doing that
and took pictures of us?


That is a lot of change
to be in possession of.

What about all the witnesses,

Bubbles, the only ones
they saw are Cory and Trevor.

It's no big deal.

I can't believe it.
We pulled it off.

We pulled off the big dirty!

Where are we gonna
hide it all, Julian?

We'll just leave it
right in the trunk.

No one's gonna
think to look there.

Yeah, this seems to be
the safest place.

You know what you should
do now, Rick?

You should go spend some time
with your family, buddy.

You deserve it, man.

You should make some time
for Trinity, Ricky.

People are complaining
about her stealing barbecues.

She's got a new one every day.
That's greasy!

It's not that greasy.

Boys, come on,
give me a hug here.

We did it, guys.
We fuckin' did it!

What did I tell ya?
You steal change,

you don't go to jail, boys.

I can't believe it, Julian,
but you were right, man.

I'll catch you guys later, okay?


tell me you're not drinking
liquor out of my cat dish.

Better fuck off, Bobby!

You better tell your dad
to pay me for my dope!

- Hey, Trin.
- Hey.

- You got your patch on?
- Yup.

I got some good news.

- What?
- Me and mom,

we're getting married.


- Isn't that awesome?
- Yeah.

We gotta have a little talk,
though, about you stealing barbecues

and selling them
at that flea market.

- It's gotta stop.
- No way, Dad.

It's my money, my living.
It's not gonna happen.

It has to stop. I'm serious.
I know it's easy and I'm the one

that taught you to do it,
but you can't need do it anymore.

'Cause I'm gonna be giving you money
from now on. Look!

I'll give you this whole thing
if you promise me

no more stealing barbecues
and you'll stay on that patch.


but can I at least sell these?

Oh, yeah, you can sell these, -

- but don't steal any more.
- Okay.

And don't tell Mom I gave you
this money, all right?

- I love you, sweetie.
- Bye.

I'm gonna spend my big dirty money
on my wedding.

I'm gonna get a nice ring,
I don't care what it costs.

This is gonna be
the awesomest wedding

this trailer park
has ever seen.

The awesomest!
It's all for Lucy.

Aw, Ricky,
I don't want this wedding

to get all fucked up.
I want it to be awesome!

I want lots of music,
awesome food...

I remember the first night

me and Lucy made love
just like it was yesterday.

We were down
at Kentucky Fried Chicken,

right after those
new chicken strips came out,

we had a bunch of those,
big bucket of chicken.

She asked me to come in
the bathroom with her, so I did.

She had booze in her purse;
I had a bunch of good dope

'cause I was growing dope
back then.

We just sat there,
smoking dope, drinking.

We made love all night.

It was just so beautiful,
I'll never forget it.

We slept right on the floor,

till the cleaners came in
the next morning.

And in the morning,
when we kinda came to,

we just sorta looked at each other
and we knew, like...

we're gonna be together forever.

I can't believe
we're getting married.

Look at that cubic zarcarbium!

And Trin,

it's because of you
that this all happening.

I want you to give this
to your mom

when the guy asks for it
at the wedding.


Just eat it!
Stop complaining! Mom?!

Trin, go get the car,
bring it out front.

I'll be there in a minute.

What's the matter?

Check the oil.

Well, look who -

- it fuckin' is!
- Who's that?

Aw, just a jail dummy.

How's the tournament going,

Actually, Rick, uh,
I'm with my family.

And I don't really want

to talk to you.
But if you must know,

your friends are gonna
lose again next week

and you're not gonna be playing.

- I'll talk to you later.
- Talk to me later?

What happened
to "Fight me anytime, anyplace,"

ya scaredy-cheater?

Rick, I'm having Chinese food

with my family, okay?
My wife, my kids,

my grandmother.
Show a little respect, Ricky.


I tell ya what,

I'm gonna let you
come back to jail.

You can play
in the tournament, -

- but this has gotta stop.
- Are you serious?

- I'm serious.
- You're gonna let me come back?

I'm getting tired of this.
This is embarrassing.

You can come back and play.

This is dumb.
This is getting too much.

Well, all right, Donny.
That's pretty good of you.

I know.

You're not playing
in the ball-hockey tournament,


You're not coming back
just yet to my jail.

I'll tell you
when you come back.

Oh, I got you, buddy.
Come on.

- Come on.
- Dad, great sucker punch.

That's what I'm talkin' 'bout,
right there. Thanks, kiddo.

Come on, let's go
before the cops come.

Let's go,
grab your purse, okay?

Aw, he got you
pretty good, man.


God, you were suckered.
Man, he suckered ya!

Did he ever.

- Clear!
- Thanks, sweetie.

Dad, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.
Just fell off my chair, Trin.

- Are you drunk, Dad?
- No, I had two drinks today.

Change, change, change, change.

I'm so goddamn sick of it.
Parking meters,

vending machines,
laundromats, arcades,

payphones, pool tables,

People think we give
a shit about change?

- News flash: we don't.
- George, calm down.

Mr. Lahey, Randy.

Hi, I made some sandwiches
here, guys.

- Got some tuna, egg salad...
- Randy. Ted.

Jim, you promised me
you'd stop drinking.

Let's cut to the chase here.
Either of you sexy officers

interested in grand theft auto?

- Mr. Lahey, Ted said...
- Randy. Two counts, Ted.

I got license plates,
serial numbers.

They're stolen, guaranteed.

- Jim, we really don't care.
- George.

- Leave us alone.
- Stop fuckin' calling us!

George! Enough.

George, what do you mean
you don't care?

Mr. Lahey, despite the fact
that you're drunk right now,

here's what I'm gonna do:

we'll come over
and check out the cars,

but if they come back clean,
which won't surprise

anybody here, you're not
to contact us in any way

for at least two months.
No phone calls, no faxes, nothing!

- We clear?
- Crystal clear, Ted.

J-Roc, check, check one, two.

J-Roc, check.
Hey, guys, get drunk!

This is gonna be awesome!
Everybody, drink up!

God, Julian looks sexy and nice.

What are you doing, Jim?

You promised me
grand theft auto.

Right here.
Run that!

Bet you that friggin' car's stolen!

Get a picture, Randy.

We are gathered here today
to witness the holy matrimony

of two people,
Richard and Lucy,

who have chosen to prepare
their own vows.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Okay, everybody,
here we go!

I, Richard,

am gonna cut back on my
drinking to 3 or 4 days a week

and smokin' dope
to probably 5 or 6.

And I'm hopefully
promising you this,

that I'm not gonna hopefully
go back to jail.


I'm gonna try to love you

as much as I'm capable
for to love, forever and ever.

And Lucy,

I promise you, I'm gonna start
growing dope again

and get my life back on track.


Um, can you hold this for a sec?

Sweet. Thanks.

I, Lucy,

promise to stop stripping
so I can open up a hair salon,

uh, to not get any more

plastic surgery or tattoos,

to be a good mother and wife,

whenever possible,

and, uh, to help out
with house stuff.

And to help keep Ricky
happy and healthy

and well...

taken care of,


for as long as he stays
out of prison, forever.

- Do you have the ring?
- Trin?

Can you just hold that
for a sec?

I love you, Lucy.

Oh, my God.

I now pronounce you
man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

We did it, Lucy.
We did it!


I need to talk to you,

What the hell are you doing here?

It's our wedding day!

I'm not talking to you, smart guy.

I got this Lucy, relax.

- Let's go home, okay?
- Okay.

What are you doin'
comin' up here

on my wedding day
with a big fancy gun?

I'll tell you
what you're doing:

- You're showin' off.
- I'm not showin' off.

Sure, you're showin' off.
Here's showin', here's off,

there's you.
Look in the word directory -

- big picture of you showin' off.
- I'm...

That's showin' off!
That's showin' off!

All right, now we gotta move.

Randy and I'll go 'round back.

We'll meet you
down at the wedding.

Lucy, get the fuck over here!
I want my six grand!

I want the fuckin' money
for the tits, Lucy!

Six grand for tits?

Well, I'm not paying

six grand for used tits!

Ricky, they're "in-use" tits.
they're not "used" tits.

Number one, I found out
you only banged her five times.

So you were lying about that,
which is showin' off.

And since you banged her
five times,

you've used those tits
more than I have.

I've only banged her twice
since I got out of jail.

I'm not paying six grand for tits.

I mean, those are nice,

but I'm not even
a big fan of fake tits.

So I'm not paying
for used fake tits.

I liked Lucy just the way she was,
thank you very much.


can I talk to you for a second?
Come here.

- Just give me a second.
- Let me handle this.

Ricky, we need to talk.
Now! Come on.

Listen, okay,
I'm really sorry

that you found out about it
like this, okay?

We banged a couple of times,
now I'm married.

Boys, we should get this car
out of here, like now.

I was gonna make you
a feature dancer.

You could've had it all.

I don't want to be
a feature dancer.

- Okay.
- This is what I want.

can you live with that?

- We're cool. We're good.
- We're cool? We're good?

We're good.

Okay, thanks.

Those are club boots.
I need 'em back, Luce.

Cops! Cops!

Ricky, the cops are here...

I'm starting to lose it maybe.

Everybody stay
right where they are.

- Jim.
- In cooperation with...

- Jim.
- ... local police department...

Mr. Lahey, please!

Ted, Mr. Lahey's
just trying to help...

- Randy.
- We'll handle this.

All right, who fired shots?

Nobody, huh?

Cherry Heranjek, right?
Wanted in two states?

There's a Canada-wide warrant
for your arrest?

- Sound about right?
- What?

No, I'm Wanda.
I'm a feature dancer.

- Of course you are.
- I am.

- You're under arrest.
- No, excuse me.

- Yes, here's your rights.
- No.

I'm sorry, Julian.
I guess it's over for a little while.

I guess I'll see you around
in a couple of years, maybe?

Jail's no big deal, right?

- Jail's no big deal.
- Aw.

I love you, Julian!
Call me!

Oh, um, Officers,
before we go,

you might want to check
this guy's pockets

for, I don't know, a handgun!

Ha! Ha! Ha! Fucker.

All right, open it up.

And that's not yours, right?

It's not mine.

But we can work this out.
I got all my papers.

And these aren't my cuffs.
Turn around.

You're busted.

Ah, you know what, guys...

- Yeah, yeah.
- We can talk about it downtown.


Oh, he's gonna tell on us!

We gotta get this car
out of here!

Okay, hurry.
get the car out of here, okay?

George! George,
George, George!

They're the ones stealing
the change, George!


We'll take the shortcut
and we'll head 'em off.

Don't you shit-worms move!

Fuck you, Lahey!
Oh, my God!

Drunk bastard.
It's okay, boys!

Come on, Ricky!

What the hell is he doing?!

Just go
to the back entrance.

get us out of here!

You ready for a little game
of shit-chicken, scooter Randy?

Ricky, the cops are behind us!

What are we gonna do?!

Just give me a second
to think about this.


Do you want to take it
to fucktown, Lahey?

'Cause that's where this is
headed - downtown fucktown!

No, Mr. Lahey, please!
We don't want to go to fucktown!

Guess you lose, fuckhead!


Ah, fuck!
Fuck sakes, Rick!

You okay, Randy?

Mr. Lahey, we're upside down.
We flipped the car.

Yeah, that was really something,
wasn't it?

And so with the able assistance

of Officers Green and Johnson,

we solved the crime
and made the arrest.

Well, thank you, Mr. Lahey.

You and Randy
may step down now.

Mrs. Brown.

Mrs. Brown?!

Oh, me? Ahem.

Your Honor,
we ask for leniency

in the court's decision.

These boys have no education.

They're addicted
to drugs and alcohol

and they live in a trailer park.

Why the fuck would you say that?

What the fuck does that
supposed to mean?

I'm warning you,
one more outburst

and I'll find you
in contempt of court.

Your Majesty, I'm sorry,
but obviously Miss Brown here

is a little bit fucked
in the head.

I mean, she's looking
at these coupons for...

"Danny and Terry's
Buffalo Heaven"

trying to figure out
what she wants for lunch.

What the hell is that?

She doesn't care about us.

If this suit-dummy here
doesn't mind,

I'd like to have two minutes
of the court's time

to say a couple things.
Just two minutes. Please.

Your Honor, we can't waste
the court's time with this.

- Two minutes, that's it!
- Your Honor!

I'm... I'm gonna grant it.

I mean, what harm can it do,
Mr. Stevenson?

You've got this thing sewn up,


- You go ahead, Ricky.
- Thanks, bud.

The first thing is this -
this stupid picture.

If I could get Cory and Trevor
to rise there for a second.

I mean, obviously,
well, you can see

that that's Cory
and this is Trevor.

I don't know who that guy is,
you can't see him,

and you can't see
that person either.

So there's only two people
in the picture.

It looks like maybe
they are stealing change,

which I don't agree with,

but I had nothing
to do with this.

This is not the change
they recovered from my car.

Totally different.
That's the change I was saving

for my daughter's education.

So the second thing...

is this:

really, the only evidence against us

is Mr. Lahey's testimony.

And if his testimony
is so goddamn important,

then I want to hook him up
to a breathalyzer.

He should clearly show
he's not drunk as fuck,

'cause I think he is.

And if he is, shouldn't
his testimony mean fuck all?

Shouldn't this case
be thrown out of court?

Shouldn't I be given
my change back?

I'm in deservement
of the change.

I want the change back!

It's not my fault

Officers Cock-Knuckles and
Dick-Lock here work with a drunk

trailer-park supervisor.
He's not a cop, he's a drunk!

They are not Officers
Cock-Knuckles and Dick-Lock.

They are Officers
Green and Johnson.

Now I warned you
about this kind of thing!

He used to be a cop, actually,

and he got fired.
Guess what for?

Who does he work with?

Randy, who used to be
a male prostitute.

You got no problem with being

hooked up with a breathalyzer,
do you, Lahey?

I mean, you shouldn't be drunk.
You drove here today.

Oh, smart, Ricky, smart.

Bailiff, do we have
a breathalyzer machine -

- in the building?
- Yes.

Well, let's get it in here

and find out who's drunk
and who's not!

Come on, come on.

Come on, liquor!
Come on, liquor!

Come on, you're drunk.

You gotta be drunk.
You're always drunk, you drunk.

Come on, you're drunk.
You've got to be drunk.

The witness is intoxicated,
Your Honor.

I knew he was wasted!

I knew it.
He's loaded!

Well, in light
of this new evidence,

I have no choice
but to drop the charges

against Ricky, Julian

and Bubbles.

Order, please!
And because there's no proof

that the money came
from an illegal source,

I order that their change
be given back to them.

Thank you.
It is my change. Thank you.

Cory and Trevor, please rise.

I sentence you
to 30 days in jail

and 750 hours

of community service.

That's not that bad, guys.
That's pretty good.

Hear that, Lahey?

You never stopped
fuckin' with me, huh?

You couldn't let it go
and look what happened?

You look like a dick.
Rick, get it together.

Do you want to spend a week
in jail effective immediately?

Did you say a week?

Would you rather have two?

No, no, a week's good.

Lucy, Trin, can I please
go to jail for a week,

play in the hockey game?
Please? It's only a week.

- Have fun.
- Yeah.


Cover your ears, sweetie.

Fuck this court.
Fuck Jim Lahey. Fuck Randy.

Fuck those two idiot cops.
Fuck suit-dummies.

As a matter of fact,
fuck legal aid!

Fuck Dan and Terry's

Buffalo chicken wings!
Fuck all the old wood in here,

the moon,
corn on the cob,

Fuck me, you, everything!

Give it off to Darren!
Come on, Darren!

It was just so great
to come back

to play in the final game
of the tournament.

I missed lots of games,
but I played in the big one.

If you see 'em, feed 'em, boys.
We gotta score the winning goal.

Hard as fuck, boys.
Hard as fuck!

Don't take any shit
off these dicks.

It wasn't looking good
for them...

And we're huge Ricky fans
and he's an incredible goalie,

and, you know, he can stop
just about anything,

but the team wasn't playing
as a team.

They weren't playing good.

The turning point, for me,
was when Donny came down

on a breakaway and I was sure
they were gonna win.

And Ricky just threw the glove up

and stopped it.
And then, somehow, it started

going the other way,
and Darren,

on a breakaway,
faked a slapshot,

just went around him,
deeked it right in,

and they won!

It was insane, dude.
And in all the hoopla, we were,

like, this is our big chance
to make something of ourselves.

But the best part
was Cory and Trevor.

They snuck up behind Donny -
he wasn't looking -

and they pantsed him
in front of the whole prison.

Rolling around on the ground

in puddles.
Oh, my God, it was funny.

Those guys finally came out
of their shell

and they're cool,

like everybody in here
loves them now.

So I get to leave here
a married man.

And I'm retired,
so all I have to do now

is spend time with my family
and grow dope.

My life couldn't be any better.

I left your house this morning

About a quarter after nine

Coulda been the Willie Nelson

Coulda been the wine

When I left your house
this morning

It was a little after nine

It was in Bobcaygeon

I saw the constellations

Reveal themselves

One star at a time

Drove back to town this morning

With working on my mind

I thought of maybe quitting

Thought of leaving it behind

Went back to bed this morning

And as I'm pulling down the blind

Yeah the sky was dull

And hypothetical

And falling one cloud at a time

That night in Toronto

With its checkerboard floors

Riding on horseback

And keeping order restored

Till the men they couldn't hang

Stepped to the mic and sang

And their voices rang

With that Aryan twang

I got to your house this morning

Just a little after nine

In the middle of that riot

Couldn't get you off my mind

So I'm at your house this morning

Just a little after nine

'Cause it was in Bobcaygeon

Where I saw the constellations

Reveal themselves

One star at a time

Special thanks to SergeiK.