Welcome Home Roscoe Jones Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Welcome Home Roscoe Jones script is here for all you fans of the Martin Lawrence movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Welcome Home Roscoe Jones quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Welcome Home Roscoe Jones Script

Lights, camera, access.

Yes, it's true. The master
of midday TV goes prime time.

Talk show host Dr. RJ Stevens has
popped the question to Bianca Kittles,

recent winner
of Survivor: Kiribati.

What's good, family?

The Doctor's show,
with his irreverent guests...

I've been banging your sister.

... party-like atmosphere and
his "Team of Me" philosophy...

The team of who?


Rely on yourself.

... has gotten a significant
ratings boost

since news of his impending
nuptials became public.

This is, no doubt, welcome news to the
ultra-competitive, glammed-out Bianca.

The TV reality star
used every asset she possessed

to outwit, outplay
and outlast the competition

on her quest
for the million bucks.

It's a Q-rating bonanza,

as these two couldn't be
more perfectly matched.

Life is good
for the good doctor.

- On access.

That was fabulous!

Honey, I'm so proud
of you. Thank you.

You're such a star.
Isn't he a star?

He is a superstar.

Now, that is how
you announce your engagement!

That was genius.

You're the talk of the town!
- Hey, RJ.

Could you imagine this
five years ago, bro?

With a girl like that?
Hell, no.

Hit show, big mansion on the
block. Now I'm international.

You look great,
by the way.

Shit, man, that's all this
tofu Bianca got me eating.

Besides the hunger pains,
being a vegan is the shit.

Honey! Telephone.

Get going.

That sounds
wonderful. I can't wait.


Well, it's nice speaking
to you. Okay, hold on.

It's your mom. Hurry up.
Talk. We still have guests.

- Hi there!

You made it. Oh, my God.
You look amazing!

Hey, Mama.

Well, hello, stranger.

We're just beginning to think
you just forgot all about us.

No, Mama. I can't forget
my number one girl.

And I didn't forget
your anniversary, either.

I sent y'all
a 50" plasma TV.

One inch for every year.

That's sweet, baby. But
we'd much rather meet Blanca.

She sounds so nice.

Bianca, Mama.
Not Blanca.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought it was Blanca.

Well, baby, you know
it's our 50th anniversary.

Mama, I don't think we're
gonna be able to make it.

Jamaal, you know, he's
got this big soccer game.

The boy loves himself
some soccer, Mama.

I know. He talks to
Papa all the time.

Jamaal and Daddy
have been talking?

And writing letters.

Lord... You know, we haven't seen
that child since he was a baby.

You've just got to come.
Everybody's coming.

We got Ellie
and Cleavon,

Clyde and Lucinda and...

Oh, yes.

Lucinda and Clyde?


They're coming together?
I forgot to tell you.

But I... I thought...

That's a lot
of questions, boy.

Hey, Daddy.

Especially from someone who has shown
very little interest in his family.

Yes, sir, but I...

If you can find the time to
explore "The Mind Of A Stripper"

or "Sisters Gone Wild"
with your so-called "family,"

then you can find the time to
spend with your actual family.

So you've been watching!

Boy, don't disappoint
your mother.

Go, Jamaal!

There you go,
there you go!

Boy, that
kid's good.

Right. Move.
Push it!

Come on, get it, get it,
get it, get it! Right there!

Let it go, Jamaal!

That's a winner, Jamaal!

Hey, RJ, I'll see you later, man. Okay,
take care. You tell Jamaal I said bye.

Jamaal, way to go. Way to
go. That's how you do that.

Good going, guys!

That's my boy.
That's my boy.

That's a lot of running for one
goal. But, hey, at least you hit it.

Dad, you should
come more often.

Hey, I'm here.

Dad, why don't you want to go
to Dry Springs?

Come on.
Not you, too.

Papa Jenkins says
Dry Springs is awesome.

He said all my cousins'll be
there and I'd have a lot of fun.

Oh, really? What else
do y'all talk about?

I don't know. School, my
friends, soccer, global warming.

Global warming?

We talk about a lot of stuff.
He's really cool.

Can't we please go?

I'll think about it, Jamaal.

Oh. Talk it over
with the boss, first.


Son, men run things
in a relationship.

And between us men, never let a woman
tell you what to do, and how to do it.

Your dad's
in complete control.

Who's in control?

Tell me.
Who's in control?

I don't know!

Take me higher,
you can do it!

Oh, no.

Come on. Take me. Harder!

Come on, lover!

Oh, shit!

Push it!

What the hell are you...


Speaking in tongues.
That's a first.

I'm so proud of you.

I want to look hot
for your family.

So now...
Time for my seven miles.

Can you untie me first?


Babe! Babe...

It's all done.
I booked the tickets.

Honey? I'm hearing a tinge
of doubt in your voice.

I'm cool. You know, it's... It'll be
four days, then we get back to our lives.


This will solidify
our union to the world.

We'll tape your parents' banquet, you
make a heartfelt speech, and the ratings?

Oh, my God!


"Country boy done good returns
home with his Survivor queen."

Hey, my...
My audience'll dig that.

See? That's
why I love you.

Baby, I've dated
all kinds of men.

Athletes, CEOs, princes, bad
boys, attorneys, mob bosses...

No, no, I get it.
I get that.

But I've never connected with any
of them the way that I do with you.

RJ Stevens.


Team of Me.

Your very words helped me win Survivor,
and they brought me right to you.

They did, didn't they? Uh-huh.

See? We connect.


We're winners.

And you?
You're the man.

I am the man.

Say it louder.

I'm the man.

Say it louder.

I'm the man!

don't ruin your outfit.

Baby, men don't
wear outfits.

What do you have
in these bags, anyway?

You went 39 days on a desert island
with... With a toothpick and a thong.

I need options.

Damn the options.
I need room.

I'd be happy
to check that for you.

Hell, no!

I had some bad experiences.

I'll just slip it
in the captain's closet.

It's the safest place
it could be.

Let's get
this party started.


I got you beet juice.

Come on, baby,
I want to live a little.


It's an excellent
source of antioxidants.

Your drink, sir.
Drink up.


Once we have reached
a comfortable...

Hey, Dad?

Yeah, son?

This is gonna be
great. Thanks.

Anything for you,
my man.

And now we ask you to please relax,
sit back and enjoy the flight.

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Georgia.

How does his bag get lost
in a captain's closet?

Explain that to me.
Yes, ma'am.

Where's your father?

He won't come out
of the bathroom.

The white zone is for immediate
loading and unloading only.

Honey, how do
the pants fit?

Flight 514 from Atlanta, your
luggage will be at Carousel 2.

You mean to tell me

this is the only pair of pants you
could find in this country-ass airport?

I like it. Colors
look fabulous on you.

Babe, I look
like a clown.

Look... Look at how tight
these are. Look!

I see that, tiger.

Come. Let's get the car.

Ladies and gentlemen, for
your own safety and protection,

please do not leave
your bags unattended.

Wow, the whole weekend is planned.

There's a barbecue today,
a softball game tomorrow,

a fish fry on Saturday.

Oh, look! An obstacle course race!

And the anniversary
banquet's Sunday night.


Nice ears, Dad.

Oh, man.
Nice picture, Dad.

Oh, man.

Hey, now!

How terribly quaint.
As if time stood still.

It has. I told you, don't
nothing ever happen around here.

What the hell?

That shit was
tight, right?

Oh, damn!

Oh, my God, baby, you
get me so freaking hot!

Do you know them?

I don't know her, but
that's my cousin Reggie.

You got your jewelry?
You got your purse?

All right? 'Cause the
boy could con Jesus.

Oh, no. Oh, no,
that's him.

Oh, that's him!

Here he comes,
here he comes.

My nigga Roscoe Steven Jenkins!
Hollywood did came to town!

What's up?
What's up, dawg?

What up, cuz?
What up, cuz?

How you doing?
How you do...

Come on, man,
give it up!

Man, what's happening?
All right.

Oh, man,
look at what you...

Look, you got them
picnic tablecloth pants on.

"Hey, Boo-Boo, let me get
another picnic basket."

I guess Outkast's about to name
their third member. Li'l Roscoe 1000.

Yeah, but don't be mad 'cause
you ain't up on the style.

Ain't that right, baby?

Why do you
call him Roscoe?

That's his government name.

Oh, not into full
disclosure. I see.

Okay. Welcome to the family.

Thank you.

Lookie here,
lookie here.

First it was Survivor, now
it's America's Next Top Model.

Oh, stop it.

Oh, hell, yeah, really!

My God, I'll drink your dishwater,
bathwater, all types of waters.

I'll drink
all your waters.

Boy, you do your thing.
Get... Get off me.

Look at you doing your thing,
boy! Hey, will you stop that?

Thing, boy! You do
your thing. Get off me!

Do your thing, boy. You do
your thing. Hey, get off.

Hey, why'd you keep
checking my pockets, Reggie?

Oh, you do your thing. Man, you
need to get me out there to LA.

Would you lookie here?


I'm Amy.

Yeah, me and Amy are friends,
man. You know what I'm saying?

She's been a real inspiration to
me, putting my new hip-hop album out.

You know what
I'm saying?

And my dad's company
is financing it.

It's Pimp Nasty
Records! Word!

Pimp Nasty?
- Like that.

So everything is... Hey, boy,
what the... What you doing?

Get back! Get back!

Water rat! That's a
water rat, right there.

Get back.
Get back.

Reg, come on.

It's okay, Fifi.

Reggie, man.
She's a dog, man.

It's Fiona.

Yo quiero Taco Bell. I
ain't know what it was, man.

I thought it was a little fur
coat with some feet, or something,

that damn walked
over here, boy.

Man, Mama J sent us down
here to get some ice.


We're probably
gonna need about 300.


For some ice?
For some ice.

You must think
I'm a damn fool.

No, I know you
ain't no damn fool.

You standing there with that
beautiful lady, right there.

Look like
you a lucky fool.

What? It's just $300,
baby. Go on.

You're not cheap, baby.
Yes, he is.

You don't know him like
we... He's tight. Yeah, he is.

It's only $300,

That's it, $300.
For your family?


Go on, baby.

For the family.

All right,
good to see you.


They made it!

Told you. Well, come on.

Come on, baby.

Oh, my baby's home!

Hey, Mama.
How you doing?

Well, well.
Look who showed up.

My grandson's father,
Dr. RJ Stevens.

It's been a long time, Dr. Stevens.

Dad, that's just
a stage name.

Yeah, I know.

Jamaal, welcome back.

Papa Jenkins.

Oh, and this is Blanca!
Pretty girl, Roscoe.

You must got some Indian in
you, all that long, pretty hair.

Roscoe, you been eating?
You all skin and bone!

Don't look like
I never nourished you.

I know! Doesn't he look fabulous?

Yeah, he looks
fabulous, all right.

Downright metrosexual, with
them young-ass pants on.

Oh, no. You should have seen his
ensemble before his little accident.

It was exquisite.

Are you kidding?
Better than this?

What? I didn't say "outfit."

Got you!
Pounced on you.

Get... Get off.
Get off me!

Let me see
how strong you are.


Get off me.
Come on.

Just like old times again.

Lord, Otis. Do it, do
it! Get out of it, then.

Mama! Mama.
Otis! Otis!

Come on, boy, let's
see what you got.

Let go of me, O.

Yeah, go ahead, do it. I want you
to. Boy, introduce me. That's rude.

Bianca, this is my country,
neckbone-eating brother, Otis.

The sheriff.

Southern hospitality
at your service.

Get up off that!

This here is Ruthie.

And that's my baby
she's carrying.

Wow, Ruthie, you look
like you're about to pop.

No, I'm just six months.

But I bet y'all be
loading up soon, huh?

Oh, God, no! Nothing's
wrecking this figure.


At least not right now.
Jamaal, say hello.

Are you really the sheriff?


"To serve and protect."
And occasionally whoop ass.

Meet your cousins.
Junior! Callie!

Oh, damn!
What are they on?

All steroids
and no carbs?

Them some
thick-ass kids!

No, I'm serious. Mama, them
is thick-ass. No, I'm serious.

Like, they be 12.
Them some thick-ass...


This here's your cousin Jamaal.

Get him a bat, and get
him some batting practice.

And, Callie,
go easy on him.

You got it, Daddy.

Come on, son. You and
Granddad'll take them on together.

You play baseball,
don't you?

All right,
I guess.

Well, Blanca, you want to come
in the house and freshen up?

And, Roscoe, you get the bags and
just take them up to your room.


And, baby,

please find some clothes that fit. You
got all your business in the street.

Oh, God. It's good to see you, man.

Little help
with the bags, O?

Man, I ain't no bellhop. Plus,
I ain't had my steroids today.

Got you!

Southern hospitality!
Yeah, right.

And next time
you grabbing on people,

wear some deodorant,
you little fake-ass Conan!

Oh, shit!
Mama! Mama!

Come here, boy! I'm an all-State
linebacker! Look at that speed!

Mama! I said leave me
alone, O! Leave me alone!

I haven't had so many people in
the kitchen since I don't know when.

No, you use this one.

You a bad bitch!

Oh! Oh!

Wait a minute, girl. I'm
serious. I'm serious. You bad!

You are the baddest
bitch Survivor ever had.

Soon to be my sister-in-law,
up in my kitchen, girl.

I'm honored!

Thank you.

All right, now, now, now,
tell me the truth, okay?

Tell me the truth, 'cause
it's you and me. We relating.

Can that hook-head handle you?
'Cause, see, we a lot alike, Binaca.

'Cause we too much woman
for one man! You feel me?

Betty, let
the child breathe.

Now, is the tea ready?

It's right here, Mama.

Binaca, you got to
try my tea, girl.

I'm telling you right now, this tea
right here ain't no joke, Balolo.

Best in the county.

It's Bianca.
That's what I said.

And I'd love to. Cheers!

God, that's liquid
diabetes! You drink that?

No, no. No, no, wait
a minute now, baby.

Don't get
all uppity, okay?

'Cause I'm gonna let you know
the brothers down at the pen,

they rave about my sweet tea
every Sunday at my Bible reading.

It ain't the sweet tea. It's
them short skirts you be wearing.

I'm just doing my part,
trying to be a good Christian.

And if them brothers need
to get a peek at this thong

to get them through
them long lonely nights,

then, Father God and all the heavens
up above and the Episcopals, so be it!

Girl, don't make me sick.
You know I'm pregnant.

Thank you. Betty, your thong
is an image I do not need.


Wait a minute.

Now, see, we trying to bond with
you and everything, welcome you in,

but you getting it twisted.
You getting me twisted.

But don't get it twisted.

This kitchen here is my domain.
My domain. This ain't no kennel.

And then this lab rat got to go. Got to go.
Do you hear me? Am I clear? I bites dogs.

Know who I am, okay?

Now ditto that!

Yes, sir. Can I help you?
Yes, sir. Yeah, hello.

Yeah. What is your name?

I can barely hear you.

Look here,
Luqueesha, somebody...

Sir, could you
please hold?

Yeah, I'll hold.


You done messed around
and got old, huh, Bucky?

You still alive?

Yeah, you used to terrorize me
when I was little.

I don't play that now, man. I'm a grown
man. Look at me when I'm talking to you.

I should kick you in
your ass right now, Bucky.

Yeah. Yeah, when you
bit my ankle, I should...

Hello, Dr. Stevens?

Yeah, excuse me.

We found your bag.

Well, all right.
Well, that's more like it.

We just need an address.

Get off me, you crazy dog!

What the hell?

You gonna stay inside
all day, Dr. Stevens?

No, sir.

Daddy, you don't
have to call me that.

I just don't want to
offend the star.

Offend me?

Hey, hey, Daddy, how come
you never opened this plasma?

I don't need
a skinny TV.

That console's been there
since 1977. Good picture.

Daddy, this is
a Hi-Def flat screen!

Football on Sundays, them
hits'll be like, "Boom!"

Make you feel like
you really there.

I am really gonna be there.

Your cousin Clyde
gave me season tickets.

See that picture?
That's his third dealership.

Man, that Clyde
is something special.

Yeah, Clyde's special.

I gotta get outside. I'm grooming
the next Jackie Robinson. My grandson.


That don't look
like $300 worth of ice.

It's hot down here, man. Half of
it melted before you even got down.

I'm telling you,
the bag was...

It's hot down... Ask anybody
about the heat, 'Scoe.

I ain't gonna lie
about none of that, man.


Hey, O.

How old is crazy-ass Bucky?
Shouldn't he be dead by now?

Bucky's at least 25 now.

Yeah. Yeah, that dog is old, boy.

Are you serious?

That's 175 people years!

And he's still a little
player, I'm telling you.

You better watch
little Fiona around here.

He gonna hit her in the one that
stink and not the one that wink.

He good at scooping up behind you.

So, did I hear Clyde
was coming with Lucinda?


Should be here
any minute now.

I thought
she was engaged.


That ended a while ago, baby bro.

Yeah, that... Man, no,
she moved to Atlanta, man,

and that smooth nigga Clyde supposed
to be hollering at her again.

What you mean, "again"? He
ain't never been with her. Never!

Lookie here.
Little Hollywood man.

"He's never been
with her. Never!"


What, you look like you trying
to throw your hat in the ring.

No, I'm just setting the
record straight, bubblehead.

Set the record
straight on this. Now.

Good God Almighty,
I smell them funky ribs!

Yeah, baby, they're
good, too. Here, baby bro.

Now, I need your discriminate tongue
to let me know if I'm still on track.

You know how
I gets down.

Give him some bread
and a Pepsi, right now!

No, no, I'm cool. I'm
gonna wait on the chicken.


Why? You Muslim now?
Yeah, what the hell?

You a Five Percenter?


I just adopted a low-fat,
high-fiber diet. Bianca and I...

"Bianca and I..."
I know what it is.

The black Paris Hilton done
sissified you off the pig.

That's what's up.
It ain't like that, O.

Bullshit! You on that
Hollywood shit. Nigga, please.

Give me... Let me see this. You see
this swine is fine, divine, sublime

and right on time.
Right on time!

Man! Look at that.

Want some of this
dipping sauce, baby?

Yeah, go on. Get... Go on,
taste a little piece of that.

Don't be scared. You got
on the Kwanzaa outfit now.

Go on, get down, like you live.
Go ahead and taste a piece of that.

Bite that.
Go on, man.

How about a piece,
Nelson Mandela?

Stop being so scary, man.

Farrakhan ain't
nowhere around here.

What's up, man?

Come on! The Last King
from Scotland. Look.

With the Forest Whitaker eye.

Wait, look. Put a little
barbecue sauce on the dead eye.

Might jump up out of there.

Boy, you crazy.

Yes, indeed, that's gonna be
good! Stir that up for me, Bilante.

Now, in episode 11, did you
have to pull your titties out?

I had to have
that chocolate cake.

But you threw it up.
On purpose.

Whether on Survivor or in life,
I believe in winning at all costs.

That's why RJ and I
are perfectly matched.

Girl, you tripping.

You better mind out, Betty.

Come on now, Mama.

Roscoe and winning don't
even go in the same sentence.

Only Clyde gets that distinction.

Who's Clyde?


I'm glad you asked.

Clyde is our cousin. He came to live
with us once his folks went on to glory.

They became famous and
left their child behind?

Bitch, are you crazy?

They was in a car accident.
They dead. Goddamn!

Anyway, now Roscoe and Clyde
was fierce rivals, though "rival"

is not quite accurate, 'cause Clyde used
to whoop Roscoe's tail in everything.

I don't know about
"everything," now, Betty.

Everything, Mama!




King me.



Arm wrestling.


That was me.

You're telling me
RJ never won?


That is, of course, until
the obstacle course in 1985.

Obstacle course?

Yep. It's a
Jenkins family tradition.

Have fun, now!


Clyde, Roscoe,
we got our eyes on you!

Clyde and Roscoe
made a bet

that the winner would get to ask
Lucinda Allen to the Spring Formal.

And who is Lucinda Allen?

Only the most popular Southern belle
to ever come out of these parts.

The Spring Formal Queen
that year.

So what happened?

Girl, your man took off
like a house on fire!

Come on!

He moved through that obstacle
course faster than a runaway slave.

Doing it!

Now, see, Clyde was right there with
his skinny ass, baby, neck and neck.

He was trying to hold on
until the end.

But old Roscoe...
Come on!

Old Roscoe broke
that tape, baby.

He smiled so hard, I thought
his cheeks would burst.


Yes! I won!

I ain't never seen Mama and
Daddy so proud as that day.


Now all Roscoe had to do
was claim the real prize.


Will you go to the
Spring Formal with me?

Oh, Roscoe, how sweet,
but Clyde just asked me.

Come on, Lucinda,
let's get a strawberry soda.

My treat.
- Okay.

Bye, Roscoe.
Great race.


I felt bad for the boy.

Now, nobody knew about the bet, so
Clyde just beat him to the punch.

Clyde and Lucinda danced all night
long, looking like eternal lovers.

And Roscoe looked
like a hot mess.

And his date
wasn't much better.

Lord Jesus!

But in typical Roscoe
fashion, he snitched.

But that
mess backfired.

Lucinda is a young lady,
not some trophy you can win!

I'm very disappointed
in you.

But what about Clyde?

Clyde will be dealt with.

Now drop your britches
and bend over.


But that Clyde...
Girl, he is a smooth operator.

All right, what have you
got to say for yourself?

I let Roscoe win.

It meant more
to him to beat me,

and it meant more to me
to go out with Lucinda.

She's so beautiful.

I know you're disappointed,

and if my parents were alive,
they'd be disappointed, too.

But you're the only
parent I got, Papa Jenkins.

So you do what you think
is right. I'll understand.

Don't you ever let something
like this ever happen again.


You understand?

Yes, sir.

He went upstairs
and cried like a baby.

Now, how you know
Roscoe was crying?

Because all his hollering
woke me up from a sound sleep.

So, are they
still an item?

They dated awhile, but you know, the
Queen is too pure for the likes of Clyde.

He needs a real woman.

Betty, y'all are cousins.


Now, the point is, Roscoe ain't been
the same since Clyde stole Miss Lucinda.

I think they call
that "evolution."

RJ's clearly over
any childhood crush.


Well, where do you think that
"Team of Me" mess started?

All right, Betty,
that is enough.

Okay, Mama,
but I'm just saying...

Come on in this house
before I pop you.

Now, somebody
help that white girl.

She getting eggshells in
the tater salad. Help her.

Always running your
mouth! You talk too much.

Don't nobody want
no crunchy-ass potato salad.

And you put vinegar on these? Yeah.

You gotta
market these, O.


What the hell
are you eating?

I'm not eating, baby,
I'm tasting. These soy ribs.

You want some?

Forget it, carnivore!

Why don't you tell me
about Lucinda Allen?

Oh. Oh, shit.

Lucinda Allen? That was
a bad one, right there.

Well, see, I... Baby,
she's just, you know...

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Hey, Clyde's here now!

Let me introduce you.

What's up, family?

Hi! Hey there, baby.
What's up, baby?

You looking sharp. Look at
you. Girl, Betty, you too much.

Clyde! What's up, O?
What's up, Big Law?

I see you ain't getting no
bigger. Look at you, boy.

Look at you, boy!

what's up, baby?

Oh, my God, hi!

Good seeing you, baby.

Hey, look at you, boy. Look.
You sure you our relative?

Little Mexican!

I got a little something
for everybody!

I stopped to pick up some red
velvet cakes for the picnic.

From Cooter's Bakery
in Tuscaloosa?


Well, you only get one
golden anniversary, Mama J.

Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, yeah.

Hey! Hey, now!

There he is! What's up,
Papa J? How you doing, man?

Is the fountain of youth
around here somewhere,

or you been
taking that Viagra?

You better watch it.

See, 'Cinda?

I'm so glad to see you.
Welcome home.

Oh. Oh.

Now that's nostalgia for you, right
there. Family spirit award goes to Roscoe!

Cross Colour Jones!
Look at you, boy!

Still wearing Otis'
hand-me-downs. Come here, man.

They're in the bag.

Well, the airlines
lost my bag, so...

What's your excuse?

Man... Hey, man,
this that Tiger Hoods, man.

You know me.
I get my nine holes in.

Roscoe Jenkins.


Oh, it's been ages.

Wow, it's been so long!

Clyde, Lucinda,
this is my fiancee...

My fiancee...

Bianca Kittles. How
you doing? Bianca!

Sweeter than Skittles.
Girl, you prettier in person.

Is that so?

You find somebody that say different,
see if I don't slap them to sleep.

And I don't even
get violent.

It's my pleasure, Bianca.

Wow, congratulations, you two.
The pleasure's mine.

What's up
with that?

And, Lord, we thank you
for the pork ribs,

as well as, yes,
the coleslaw, and...

I hear what you're saying,
but look, I gotta go.

Thank You! And we thank You
for the sweet potato pie,

and, yes, for the scrumptious
red velvet cakes from Cooter's!

We thank You, Lord!
And they all did say,


We thank you for that
beautiful benediction.

You mean long.
- Otis!

Mama and I are just filled with joy

that so many friends and family have
joined us on this very special occasion.

This woman has put up
with me for five decades,

and I love her now more
than ever. Thank you, baby.

All right, Papa J.
Hear, hear, now.

Clyde, you try some
of this corn, baby?

And don't you forget these rolls,
'cause I made them with you in mind.

You butter the biscuits?
You know I did.

Hey, Betty? Betty.


He's your cousin,
not a potential tip.

You know what, Otis?
Okay? Shut up.

Now, I'm just glad to see him, that's
all. And, and... Okay, you, too, queenie.

Thank you, Betty.

So, Lucinda, I hear you two
were high school sweethearts.

Oh, well, that was
a long time ago.

Yeah. But you never
forget your first love.

Ain't that right,

I guess not.

Look at her. Just
as beautiful as ever.

You know, I'm gonna leave
some of these hood-rats alone

and get real serious about
making this girl Mrs. Stubbs.

You know, matter of fact,
Otis, get me a broom right now.

I'm gonna jump!
Mazel tov!

You know what I'm
talking about, Otis?

Don't believe
this one, okay?

He's more interested in jumping
bones than jumping brooms.


Well, best of luck to the both
of you. You make a great couple.



Excuse me, y'all, I had a piece
of celery stuck in my throat.

Well, you know, I admit
it. I like to play.

But, after I get me a
couple of more dealerships,

I will be King of the South,
who will need his Queen.

Well, my king
has a surprise.

RJ's having a professional camera
crew film the anniversary banquet!

Tell them, honey!
Go ahead!

Like my baby said, it was
supposed to be a surprise.

A gift, really. You know, no big deal.
Just a little something special for y'all.

That's so sweet.

Wait a minute. Hold up. Nigga,
you got some cameras hidden around?

You done brought some
cameras? Reggie...

You got that shit hidden around
here? Oh, y'all seen his show.

Roscoe be jumping out of
bushes on little midgets.


Neglected albino children.
Al-Qaeda leaders.

Rice, chicken kebab,
chicken falafel...

Boy, you crazy.
I'm telling you,

they be scattering
like roaches, like Cops.

You gonna win a Emmy,
and I'm voting for you.

Remember, son, this is a family
celebration, not some Hollywood production.

Yes, sir.

Oh, hell, it'll be
all right, Papa J.

I'm sure old Roscoe
gonna do the right thing.

I'm just glad to see your baby boy
back gracing us with his presence.

You done good, 'Scoe.

You got a outstanding career,
beautiful fiancee, great son.

You finally winning, man.

Don't even matter that you
could never beat me at nothing.

Oh, shit!
That's the button.

What you trying
to do, Clyde?

I'm trying my best
to be a better man

and you trying to drag me
into a penis-swinging contest?

Oh, my goodness. That
definitely ain't no contest.

You a sad man, Clyde. Your
competitive edge imprisons you.

Feel good for what you've
done, not for what you haven't.

The one loss you suffered at my
hands is still a burden to you.

Get over it. I have.

That's the "Team of Me."

That's right, baby.


And just for the record, I'll
beat you again. And worse.

Is that right?

Care to make it interesting?
Little wager, perhaps?

For what? You'd just find a
way to renege again, renigga.

Oh, shit.

I ain't never
reneged on no bet.

You a damn liar!

Oh, this is getting hot!

You know damn well what
the hell I'm talking about.

You're a sore loser,
and you stole what was mine.

Lemonade is
good, Mama.

There it is. That bitch
done made you tough, Roscoe.

You hungry as shit, but that
bitch done made you tough!

What is
wrong with you?

I can't believe you're still
pining after the prom queen.

We only said three
words to each other!

Forty words.

And that Clyde, he's
a smug son of a bitch.

No wonder he's a car salesman.
He's slick and unethical.

Why the hell did you tell
everybody about the camera crew?

They were gonna
see them anyway.

And besides, we were losing
ground. I had to make a move.

Bianca, this is
not Survivor!

Oh, yes, it is.

Look, baby, baby,
baby. Listen. Listen.

Let's not fight, okay? I'm sorry.

Lucinda was just a
crush, but I moved on.

So you're over her?

How can I not be,
with you as my lady?

Yeah, that's what I'm
talking about. Yeah!

Oh, baby. All the time I spent here,
I never got a little piece of nothing.

No way. These walls
are way too thin.

And plus,
your family listens.

That's ridiculous!

Look, now, I want
to speak in tongues.

Nope. Forget it.


Think you so damn special.

I sent a plasma, you
bought cake. Negro, please!

Hey, Roscoe, I didn't
know you were still up.

Hey, Lucinda,
how you doing?

I'm great.

Who you talking to?


Well, actually, myself. I do that.
You know, just practicing for the show.

You know, keep it fresh, you know?

Okay, I see. Can you take a break?


This cake is scrumptious.

I knew
you'd like it.

So, you said your
publicist introduced you?

Yeah. Well, yeah.

We... We had her on
the show after she won.

And... We just sort
of connected, you know?

So how does she
and Jamaal get along?

Real good.

You know, she got him eating right.

Maternal stuff.

He's a great kid.

Oh, thank you.

So, you and Clyde?

No. He was a familiar face
when I moved to Atlanta.

He's sweet, but your
cousin's a player.

What happened to your
engagement? Wasn't there some guy?

Are you keeping tabs
on me, Roscoe Jenkins?

Well, no, no, I heard things.
You know... Look at my ears.

You know, I heard... I heard
it. You know I heard it.

You stupid.

What did you hear? Huh?

That I went to school
to find a husband, right?

See? Yeah, I did.
I got engaged early.

I had the vision of having
a two-income household,

three kids before 30, Sunday
brunch with my homegirls...

Sounds good to me.

Don't it, though?

But the student loans never go away,
you're still broke after grad school,

and he didn't want kids.


So... Dream deferred.

I feel you.

Me and Jamaal's mom
was a disaster.

I wasn't ready to be a parent,
either. But he's my son.

Spoken like a true Jenkins man.

You need to
finish that cake.


'Cause if I don't watch
this figure, who will?

I could think of
some takers.

Me, too! Sign me up
for that booty duty!

Hey, Reggie. We were
just saying good night.

Hell, no, don't let me
interrupt. Don't let me interrupt.

Don't let him interrupt.

Oh, no, no,
no. It's okay.

I need to go home and see my parents,
and I'll talk to you guys tomorrow. Okay?

Good night.
Good night.

Tell the truth. You
got a woody, don't you?

Fool, if I had a woody,
I'd flip this table over.

We was just catching up.

Your daddy don't want that plasma you
bought. I'll just tell you that right now.

And it's a damn shame that it's
just going to waste like that.

Just a TV, just sitting there,
ain't gonna do nothing, man, is...

There's so many poor people
down here that need...

Would you like that...
That plasma, Reggie?

I... Boy, I ain't lying.
I could use it.

Well, would you
like to have it?

Yeah! I'm gonna get it and freak
it. I'm gonna have it right.

Not gonna happen.

Just tight. That's just...

Hey, Lone Ranger,
it's time to saddle up.


Gotta go.

Hi-yo, Silver!
Off to the ATM machine!

Giddy-up! Yes.


It's gonna be a long weekend.

Excuse me.


Baby, my Downward Dog is fine.

Your alignment's off.

Watch me.

Damn, you are flexible!

Good morning, Reggie.

Good morning to you!

What's up, 'Scoe?

Fuck you looking at, Reggie?

You wanna glue your eyes
back into your head, now?

Oh, my fault. I didn't mean to look, but
I was just checking out the pose, man.

Hey! That is nice. That's
hot. That is so hot.

Can I help you with
something, Reggie?

Oh, your bag is here.

You couldn't just say
that from Jump Street.

I was distracted, 'cause it looked
like somebody hit you in the face

with a sack of nickels.

Well, maybe a foot in your
ass'll help you focus, huh?

Maybe a slice of red velvet
cake'll help you focus.

Man, get your look
and move on. One look.

and down.

That's it. One. One!

One more, one more, one time.

That's it. Move on!

Oh, my God.
Damn, 'Scoe!


Oh! Hey.

Reggie's got a Frank
Aaron jersey, too, baby.

That's Hank, baby. And
mine is a limited edition.

Reggie wouldn't even know
where to look for one.

Oh, it's your
world, player.

I'm just a squirrel trying to get
a nut, if you know what I mean.


Man, you need to get her pregnant
soon. Come on, Bucky, let's go.

My God.
Did you see that?


That's my jersey,
ain't it?

Come on, Jamaal.

I don't think I'm
cut out for softball.

Don't be such a girl about it.

Jamaal, forget all that.
You a natural.

Plus, this was your
dad's sport. All right?

The main thing is to relax and
keep cool. Just like your dad.

Come on, we got them, we got them!
We got them, come on, we got them!

We got them!

You out, sucka!
Damn it!

Good throw, Betty!

How could this fool
steal everything but third?

'Cause I got a cannon in this arm,
boy! A-Rod ain't stealing on me.

Damn, I'm a thief. I don't
never get caught stealing.

Can't steal third,
brother, not around here.

My shirt!
Go home, man.

Yeah, my fault. This
ain't authentic, is it?

Where does that child think she is?

I don't know.

But I bet that come with
paint remover. Good God!

Jamaal! Widen
your stance, son.

Keep your eye on the ball.
Choke up on the bat.


Do what your father told you, okay?

Now, don't be scared of
Callie. I know she's big.

We all big. That's
why you in question.

Jamaal! Focus.

All right, it's 0 and
2. Come on, Jamaal.

Strike three!

That's all right,

That's a good try.
God, this kid's pathetic!

You're making
Grandma proud.

Good try, Jamaal.

No, no,
it wasn't, Daddy.

Now, what is he, Roscoe?
One of them meatless people?

Is he one of them vegans
or vogans, whatever?

You need to feed that child,
Roscoe, that's what's wrong with him!

You ain't giving
him enough...

Good one, Callie!

Can't understand nothing.
He's dumb in the brain.

Come on, Roscoe!
Hit one for Mama!

All I need you to
do is make contact.

I got this.

You got a strikeout a-coming
if you ain't careful.

"Youse got a strikeout coming
if you ain't careful.

"Boy, youse gonna..."

Y'all don't take the smile for
a weakness all the time, okay?

I've never
thought that.

Y'all think I'm weak or something.

No, I don't
think you weak.

Okay. Don't. Okay.
I thought you was Uncle Ben.


Take a seat. Let me
get this, right here.

All right. That's what I'm talking 'bout,
now! Let the games begin! Come on, baby!

What the hell you
think you doing, Clyde?

I'm about to strike
you out, player!

I've got a narrow strike zone, boy.

Oh, that's all right, Papa J.

Anything wider than Roscoe
head would be unfair.

Everybody sit down.
Have a seat.

Take a load off. Get
comfortable. Don't worry about it.

Bring the La-Z-Boys out here
or something. Come on, boy.

I got this, right here.

What's up, 'Scoe?
You ready?

You want to be in the big
time? Here we go, yeah.

Right here, baby!


That's better than air
conditioning right there, boy.

Feel that breeze?

Come on, Roscoe!

They just talking smack,
baby. You can do it, baby!

Focus, RJ!
Come on. Get a hit!

"Focus, RJ!"

All right, everybody good? Betty,
all right, give me a little something.


Okay, I got you. Good to go.
All right, cool, cool, cool.

Right here.

Crush it! Kill it!

You hit my mama!

Oh, my God!
- Oh, no, no!

Mama J!

Oh, Jesus.

That done knocked the wig
off and everything. Damn!

Hey, get off me
about it right now.

Oh, really? Get off you about it?
- That's right.

Yeah, okay? Stop
sweating me about it.

But I was trying to tell you
to wait on the flutterball.

You up there swinging like
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon,

now my mama got a
red titty on her head!

She's my mama, too, O.

We don't know that.
You could be adopted.

Look, I gotta get the fish. Meet
me at Monty's. Can you do that?

Mama, I'm sorry.
Really sorry, Mama.

I know, baby.
Mama'll be all right.

Heck, Mama, I was trying to hit it out the
park. I didn't know it was going that way.

I'm getting my headache,
baby. Be quiet.


Son, we all make mistakes.

We just have
to learn from them.

Though I don't know what you learn
by giving your mama a concussion.

Hey, Big O!

I don't know how you
take it down here, O.

Man, you was the best
linebacker in the state.

If it wasn't for your
knee injury, shoot!

Man, you'd be in the NFL, living
in a mansion, driving a Benz.

Yeah, that's good, man. But, you
know, it wasn't in God's plans for me.

God's plan is cool,
but you needed the "Me" plan.

Oh, man, stop talking that bullshit.
I ain't no failure. I'm a king.

I got a great family,

I live in a great community that
I love and that loves me back.

You the failure.

How do you
figure that?

I made it.

Oh, why? 'Cause you got
some money? 'Cause you on TV?

What else you got
to show for it?

Everything I ain't
have growing up.

What you ain't have
that was that important?

Hey, why don't Jamaal know
how to play baseball?

You used to love to play,
and you was halfway decent.

Man, I ain't got time for all that.
Besides, Jamaal only loves soccer.

I think Jamaal would love whatever
sport his father showed interest in.

Oh, so you a parenting
expert, now?

Man, all I'm saying is don't
let money raise your kids.

Well, don't let cornbread
and chitlins raise yours.

What you looking
at me like that for, O?

Yeah, I said it.
Why you approaching me?

I just didn't hear you.

I said what you looking
at me like that for?

Ain't nobody
scared of you.

What'd you say before that?

Don't let what?

Don't let chitlins,
cornbread, ham hocks,

cheese sticks or none
of that raise your kids.

That's what I said. What, you got
hostility? What, what... What's happening?

This ain't your little brother
no more, O. I'm a grown man.

You know, I don't get ass
whoopings, I give 'em out.


You a officer
here in Mayberry.

Come on... What you carry?
A flashlight and a baton?

A'ight. Tell you what. Maybe...

If you a good old boy,
I hire you as my security.

Yeah, I got the pull. I can do it.


Now you and Mama got matching
titties. Maybe y'all are related.

You know, you should do a show
about scrawny little brothers

that constantly get bitched.
Look at your head!

Yeah, but... Thank you. But my
next show gonna be about prison hoes

who mask conjugal visits
as Bible readings.

Yeah, it's gonna be called
"Bible Thumpers or Bible Humpers?"

You available?

You got time?

What you feeling?

Oh. Oh, okay. You better get your
Butterfinger-eating ass back in the car.

I may not hit a woman,
but I'll beat a bitch's ass.

Oh, is that what
you gonna do? Yeah.

That's what you gonna do?

You gonna beat a bitch's ass?
Oh... Oh...

What bitch you gonna beat, 'Scoe?

What bitch you gonna beat, huh,
'Scoe? That's what it's like?

Is that what it's like?
Hold up.

What bitch you
gonna beat, 'Scoe?

You snapped my neck, little... Look
out! You didn't know. Golden glove.

Watch. I'm gonna give you a
dirty, South-ass whipping, boy!

Come on, come on! Bring it back! Bring
it back, punk! Come on, bring it on back!


Roscoe, get your damn...
Get off of me, 'Scoe!

That ain't weave, fool!
You gonna be sorry!

Wait a minute! You done pulled out
my damn tracks! What you gonna do, RJ?

I'm sick of you! I'm sick! Say you
sorry. Say uncle. Say uncle! Say uncle!

Say it! Talk your shit
now, you fake-ass Bruce Lee!

You wanna get up?
You wanna get up?

Come on, come on. I done
told you about your mouth!

I am not a ho!

I am doing God's work!
Say, "Praise the Lord!"

Now I'm gonna tell you something. You'd
better be glad I'm a good Christian,

'cause the next time
I might not be so merciful.

You done made me lose
my protection from the Lord.

Father God, forgive him,
for he know not what he do.

I'm gonna pray for you, Roscoe.

Thank you, I...

Hey, Lucinda.

Oh, my God!
Roscoe, are you okay?

What do you mean?

Well, your face looks like
you got run over by a tractor.

Really? I feel fine.

Well, it looks
terrible. Here, sit.

Oh, my God.


That feels good.

Good, good.

Hey, it might be a good idea
to stop teasing everybody.

This is nothing.

Why you trying
to front?

I'm not fronting.

See? See? You know you're hurting.

The Roscoe Jenkins I knew
would've owned up to it.

Well, this is RJ Stevens
you're tending to now, girl.

Yeah, the new and
improved Roscoe 7.0.

I think Roscoe 1.was just fine.


I didn't know you were back.

We weren't doing nothing!

Nothing much, that is.

Well, good. Why don't you
give me a hand, Roscoe?

Papa J, I thought
you wanted me to help.

No, that's all right.
Roscoe's got this.

Yeah, I got this.

Son, you are ready to
get married, aren't you?

Of course! Yeah.
Why do you ask?

Well, if I didn't know any better,

I'd think there's something
going on between you and Lucinda.

Oh, no! I'm just, you know...

We're just catching up.

Daddy, the wedding
is gonna be hot.

Got the caterer,
R. Kelly's singing...

Beyonce is gonna choreograph
the Electric Slide.

Roscoe, I think you
know what I'm saying.

The marriage isn't
about the wedding day.

Your mama and I got married
right out there in the front yard.

I know, but... Well, Bianca wants
a big wedding with all the trimmings.

Is that what you want?

Yeah, I... I think.

I do. I do.

How does Jamaal
feel about that?

Jamaal, he... Jamaal's cool, Daddy.

Be mindful of that boy.
He never sees his own mother.

From what he tells me, he
doesn't see much of you, either.

I'm trying, Daddy. All right?
But the show keeps me so busy...

The show. Team of Me.
I never quite understood that.

Well, it's... It's just a saying, you
know? Protect yourself. Be your own man.

Well, that's fine, son, but...

There are times you gotta depend
on others, family and friends.

I mean, you never learned
anything like that around here.

And that's certainly not
something you teach a child.

Some kids learn it
on their own, Daddy.

Honey! I've been busy with a
personal project all morning

and I'm exhausted, so... Be
a dear and walk Fifi for me?

Come on, baby. Let Feef
run around and enjoy nature.

I was hoping
to get a little nap.


My little man is tired.

Well, I promise I'll do any little thing
you want if you do this little thing for me.

Plus, I want to show you
my little project.

What project?


Are those my initials?


I told you it was yours.

You're a hell
of an artist, baby.

Come on, Feef!

Come on, Feef, go pee.

Oh, shit! Snake!
Feef! Come on, Feef!

Run, Fifi! Run!
Come on!

Come on! Hey! Lucinda...
Hey, what's the matter?

Don't go down there. Fifi's cornered
by this big-ass poisonous snake.

And you left her?

No! Lucinda!
Save yourself!

You see? I'm sorry, Fifi!

I ain't sucking out no...
No poison!

You okay, girl? Yeah? You
just got a little scare, huh?


It's okay.
It's all right.

She all right?

Here you go. See? It was
just a little milk snake.

Now, that wasn't the snake I saw.
It was an anaconda or a python.

Well, we don't
have those down here.

For real?

There you go.

You want to take a walk?


You out here running off
that red velvet cake, huh?

I deserve some cake.

Yeah, no...

Oh, come on, you heard the stories.
Hell, you witnessed a bunch.

Everybody did everything better than
me. So, I found something I'm good at.

I get in front of that
audience and they feel me.

More than anyone
here ever did.

Please, Roscoe. What family
doesn't mess with one another?

I mean, I got teased to no
end about my skinny legs.

Yeah, well, you do
have some slim-jims.

Oh, shut up!

You could pick your
teeth with those legs.

Shut up.

See? You can dish it out, boy.
Especially when it comes to Clyde.


Clyde's big-headed ass needs to be
knocked off his high horse sometimes.

Why are you two always
digging at each other?

Because Clyde is dirty, and will
use any underhanded trick to win.

Aren't you exaggerating
just a little?


And what was all that "you
stole what was mine" business?

At the picnic.
What did he steal?

A great opportunity.

Well, if it was that great, why
can't you create another one?

Maybe I will.

Maybe you should.

Well, well, well.
Here y'all are again!

Caught you, didn't I?
Mamma gonna get ya...

This raises
some eyebrows.

Well, sing like a canary,
Reggie. Whistle.

All that with the birds. Harmonize with
'em. But you're not getting the plasma.

I was walking the dog.

How's that?
Bucky's with us.

I'm talking about Fiona.
Where is Feef?

Oh, I think she's
down by the gully.

Where's Bucky?

Down by the gully.

He's gonna tear it up.

Bucky, get your ass off!

Oh, my God.

She is so working him.

Don't be surprised if he
starts barking in tongues.

Bucky done
turned the bitch out.

Reg, not a word.

I got you.

Is that plasma TV
under warranty?


I'm a steel trap, player.
That dog gonna need counseling.

You gonna be all right?

Maybe she won't notice.

Oh, baby, me and Fifi
had so much fun out there,

we completely
lost track of time.

Yeah, Daddy loves himself some
Fifi. Isn't that right, Fifi?

Daddy loves his little Fifi! Yeah! Oh,
we was running all over the place, baby.

Yeah, she may need a bath.
She got dirty. Real dirty.

Now see here, buster.

Your alliance is with me,
not the prom queen.

Oh, come on, baby. There's
no other alliance. All right?

Now how about you show me
that little project?

I shaved off
my little project.

Why'd you do that?

If I discover there's a mutiny afoot,
I'm gonna shave off your little project.




One timer! Kaberle.


Dang, you got game,
nephew. It's all right.

Hey, Dad!

Roscoe Malley!
What's up, man?

So I heard you been running around
with my girl again. Come on, man.

Let's play the game. Me and
Junior take on you and Jamaal.


I don't play
children's games.

Oh, is that right? Then
what's your poison, brother?

Ya hear that, though.
You like that, eh?

Yeah, I've been dying to play
a little click-clack.

Sure you want to
take it there, Clyde?

'Cause I don't play for fun.

Ain't no fun losing money.

Then you're about
to have a bad time.

Seven! Oh, that's gonna
be all day right there!

Can you handle it?
Money maker! Money maker!

Daddy needs
a new pair of gators.

Watch this right there.

Talking about shake 'em up,
shake 'em up, wake 'em.


Yeah, Dad!

Daddy, yes!

You know what, man?
I admire you.

I admire you, Roscoe.

I mean, you still keep trying. You
know, 'cause even when I lose, I win.


Well, then this must feel like
the championship,

'cause you're losing
the grip. Bitch!

Right there.
Come on, baby, eat for Mama.


You're not listening. Now, I told you
to take that dog out of my kitchen.

It just ain't sanitary!
What's wrong with people?

Bringing damn dogs up in folks'
kitchen? Don't make no damn sense.

That ain't nothing, you ain't even
slick with yours, so that's the problem.

Everybody see what you're
doing, man. But she mine, bro.

Yeah? Well, you might want to tell her
that, 'cause she's feeling a brother.

Seven again!

All right, grease is
hot, I need that fish.

Here you go, baby.

Thank you.


It's a little sweet,
but it's delicious.

Yes! And that wine of yours,
baby, set it right off!

The '67 Margaux?

That's a $600 bottle!

And worth every penny!


Seven again!


Somebody stop it!

Come on, roll the dice, man.

Oh, I get it. That's
mine, that's mine.

Pass on that ass.

- Oh!

Could it be?

No, no, no, no.

I call gator
on that right there.

Nigga, this ain't Monopoly.

Hey, hey, man!
Roll again, bro.

Clyde, you better un-ass me before
you find yourself a pinky short.

You better roll again before you
find yourself an artery short.

You brought it on yourself! You
brought it on yourself, Clyde!

Let's go get some fish.
Okay. Come on, Jamaal.

Is this what you wanted,
Clyde? That's what you want.

That's right! That's right! That's
Junior Varsity right there, bro!

Feel that?

Oh, that's your
ass right there!

Wait, wait, stop!

Y'all better stop all that
running through my kitchen!

Got you! Yeah!

You broke Daddy's table!
We worked hard on this!

That's 'cause you fixed it!

I said, why are you drinking
when you're pregnant?

Well, they said I could
have a glass of wine.


They didn't say how many times
you could refill it, though, baby.

I want to be pregnant!

How about another one?

Let's do it, Balolo.

Clyde-o-mania, baby!

You ended up with a big dog now, boy.
You ought to check my dental records.

Lord, these fools
been playing dice.

Hey, knock it off!

Ladies, get the tartar sauce
and the hot sauce,

'cause the Jenkins family is
about to throw down!

what are y'all doing?

Stop that...

RJ, no!

It's hot! It's hot!

Oh, hell no!

Oh, my God.

Are you okay?

Oh, my God.

He started it.
He started it.

What they heading for now
What they heading for now...

Damn! Poor Mama.

You should have had more
prenatal care. Look at your kids.

I'm sorry.

Baby, I'm sorry.

It was an accident.

shower, strategy.

That's all
I need right now.

Boy, the shower is all yours.

You used all my shit!

Yeah, what?

And you're wearing my robe?

Now, you little...

Bianca, how's Fiona doing? She
still spooked by that snake?

What snake?

The snake Lucinda
saved Fifi from.

I mean, she seems pretty
relaxed. That's probably 'cause...

Huh, 'Scoe?

Satellite, pay-per-view, premium
channels, sports channels,

platinum titty channels...
All that, man.

Playboy channels?

Yeah, butt-naked channels.
You like butt-naked?

Oh, I got to have it.

You like when they
butt-naked, showing all ass?

You know it.
Gospel channels?

Yeah, you...
Gospel, all that!

You like Telemundo?

I like... I like Spanish.

All that!

All the...

My man. Peace.

I don't know who you are
anymore, Roscoe Jenkins.

Baby, it's me.

It's RJ.

Are you really willing to put your career,
your future, in jeopardy over a crush?

Career? Baby,
we're getting married.

Get your priorities in order and
decide what and who you really want.

Let that simmer while you
sleep on the couch tonight.

We're going to
take a shower.

Hell, no!

Get your nasty ass outta here!

I didn't know that was you.
You knew I was in here!

You is a nasty common freak!

There is a naked linebacker
in our shower right now.

Now, you done brought that
little white gal up in here,

now you trying to sneak around
and see some black meat?

Girl, ain't no... I didn't try
to come here and look at you!

Well, then hand me
my feminine wash!

I can see why you
can't keep a man, now.

You got to lay off them Milky Ways
and Doritos and tortillo chips.

And your mother shouldn't have
did them goddamn drugs

when she was pregnant with you! That's
what's wrong with your black ass!

God, your titties
are huge, Betty.

Look, I'm gonna
tell Daddy.

I'm gonna tell my daddy that you are
in here trying to see my treats, Reggie.

Wait, you're gonna be lying
if you tell him that!

Then what was you
doing in here?

I thought that...

Can I just give you this
bubblegum and get on out of here?

What? You wanted Chick-fil-A,
that's what you got.

I'm Burger King.
I'm a Double Whopper.

You want to see this dark meat? I don't
play that foolishness. You're sick.

I do want to see the black meat, but
I don't want to see a bundle of it.

Get out of here,
you sick nasty bastard!

She gonna put me
out of my room.

She's a survivor... I'm a
survivor! Kiribati, my ass!

Good night, vegan!

Finally, peace at last.


You stinky dog! Bucky!

Oh, hell no!

He done pissed in my eyes!

It stinks! My eyes! It burns!

Oh, Lord! Oh! Oh...

It stink. It stink. My eyes
are burning. It got in my mouth!

They're burning!

Where did I go wrong with that boy?

Mama! Mama! Mama!

Lord have mercy.


I don't know
what that is.

Hell, no, that ain't me.

What the...

Come on, baby brother, ease up,
man. You got my eyes tearing.

My skin is all itchy.
Don't do that, man!

Smells like garbage
truck juice out here.


you all continue the Dry Springs
obstacle course tradition.

So get out there and display that
Jenkins family athletic prowess!

And, no matter what, have fun!

Good luck, young man.
Make me proud.

Win something.
Go on, have a good time.

Have fun.

Jamaal, nobody remembers
who came in second, okay?

So you gotta get
pumped, right? Loosen up.

Loosen up your muscles. Come
on, loosen up! Come on, come on!

Win! Win! We're
winners. We're winners.

Ease up now, Kiribati.

Jamaal, go. This ain't none
of your business, Clyde.

Look, come on, man.
This is just kids having fun.

Well, it ain't no fun getting beat.
You should know that, Cadillac man.

Hey, that was one time! Even a
blind squirrel can find a nut.

Who are you
calling a squirrel?

"Who are you
calling a squirrel?"

Roscoe, that's who!
A blind, stink-ass squirrel.

And you the nut. Koo-koo!

Hey, leave my lady out of this. I know
you're not calling my victory a fluke.

Oh, fluke, luck, one
in a million shot, yeah.

Well, bring it on, Clyde. We can
do this right here, right now.

He's always been a loser.
He's always gonna be a loser.

Hey, Daddy! Daddy, you hear these
fools? I'm gonna arrest them!

You two been at this
for 20 years.

Go ahead. Knock yourselves
out. Starting line, 10 minutes!

Oh, yeah?
Yeah, Daddy! Yeah!

Starting line, 10 minutes,
Clyde! Ten minutes. Ten minutes.

Ten minutes, Clyde!

Get him!

Ten minutes to countdown,
baby! Come on, Clyde.

Gunfight at the O.K. Corral!

Oh, shoot,
it's the Negro Olympics!

Dad, are you
sure about this?

Focus, son.

Cut me in or cut it out!
Clyde is favored to do the job!

Good luck, 'Scoe. That's
right. Who gonna bet?

Y'all better strap yourselves in,
'cause this here's gonna be funny!

Hey, Reggie, let me
get some of that action!

I got a pulled hamstring for
Clyde and a back spasm for Roscoe.

RJ's in top shape.
Your man? No shape.

Clyde is not my man.
We are just...

Just friends.

Yeah. Like you and RJ?

What are you talking about?

I've been watching you.

Trying to win favor with Jamaal.
Realizing what you missed out on.

It's pathetic.
And you're too late.

'Cause there are no second
chances for washed-up prom queens.

Sorry. Sorry.

Now, that was painful.
You a bad bitch.

You bad.

A bad bitch, Betty?
Please, okay?

She is a fake celebrity,
all right?

Her only claim to fame is trading
her panties for peanut butter.

That's some nasty shit there.

News flash, honey. Those
panties went for 20 grand online.

Wait a minute. Twenty
grand for your panties?


Well, wait, I got
some panties, okay?

I got the good panties,
I got the thong panties,

I got the period panties.
They might...

Betty, I got
a news flash for you.

Bucky boned Fifi.

Oh, Lord!


Did he kill her?

She was on top.

The Pomegramian?

Now that is a bad bitch.
- Oh, my God.


Your dog's a whore!

All right.
On your mark!

Get set!

Run, baby!

Get out the way!

What is wrong
with them?


Oh, get back!
Don't want nothing...

Hey, get back, sucka.
Watch out! Hey! Get off me!

I got him!
I'm going!

Oh, no!
Share that!

Share that.

I'm gone!


Oh, no! No!

Forget it!

You gotta go,
Rasta boy!



Oh, shit!

Hit the floor, baby!
G.I. Joe!

Navy SEAL!
Navy SEAL!

Slip and slide, Clyde!

Try the South Beach Diet,
fat-ass! Yeah!

Come on, baby!

No, you don't!

Oh, hell no! No!

Man, I felt that
in my stomach.

Come on, baby!
Let's go!

No! No! Hold on!

Son, no! Wait!

Sorry, Dad!

You! You wait! You...

Hold on, baby!
Hold on!

Go, Clyde, go!


That's all right, baby!

Look at them
stretch marks!

Let's go, Jamaal! You can do it!
- Go! Go!

Whoo! Yeah!

It's your ass!
Come on...

Oh, I got you now. See you
at the finish line, boy.

Get up, baby! Get up!


You see that?
Upper body strength.

That's what being in
the gym will do for you!

Well, I'm a power runner. True
warrior! Man! I ain't never scared!

Yeah, me, neither!

I'm going down!
I'm going down!


I'm gonna die!

Go, Clyde, go!

Go, RJ! Get him!

Help me, Dad!
Hey, come on!

Dig in, come on!

I can't!
Help! Dad!

Come on, son!

Come on, Clyde,
you can do it.

Come on. Come on.
Come on, son! Go!

I'm trying!
Dig in, son!

Hurry up! Dig in! Go!

Leave him, baby, leave him! Don't
let Clyde beat you! Don't let him win!

Win, RJ, win!


Go, go, go!

Don't give up, son!
Don't give up!

Go, baby, go!

Come on, baby! Go!

Watch out!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, baby.

No, that's all right.

This is just a mess.

Oh, yeah, sucker!

Oh, no! Hell, no!
Hell, no!

Oh, no, you don't!
No, you don't!

Yeah! Yes! Yeah!

to the top, winner!

Oh! Yeah!

Give it up, Clyde.
I still got it.

This is gonna haunt your dreams
for the next 20 years! Yeah!


Built for comfort,
not for speed.

Hey, good save, Steroid
Stan! Good save, boy.

But you know what? Too bad
this ain't a team competition.

You know why?
'Cause I'm the leader!

Yes! Captain
of the Team of Me!

Just me! Just me, baby! Just me!


Come here, son.

No, thanks.

Jamaal! Jamaal!

Jamaal! Jamaal!

What in God's name
is wrong with you?

What? He challenged me, Daddy.
So I stepped to the plate.

What was I supposed
to do, back down?

Hey, don't use that tone with
me! Show some damn respect!

Where's my respect,
Daddy? Damn!

You've never given me
credit for nothing I done!

Credit for what? Winning a
child's race? Buying some fancy TV?

Or that bullshit
show of yours?

Yes! Yes, Daddy! Yes! Give me some
credit! Show me some damn credit!

Then I feel
very sorry for you.

So, Clyde gets off
easy again.

It wasn't just me
out there, Daddy.

I know he lost his father, but
why did I have to lose mine, too?

Why, Daddy?

Well, now I see why you
stayed away for nine years.

Hey. Hey, Roscoe.
Look, man...

I never tried
to take your place.

I was just trying
to fit in.

'Cause even though we're
cousins, you're my brother, man.

Oh, now you're Mr.
Innocent? Please!

Don't fall for it, honey. He's
just trying to suck you in.

Oh, look, heifer, your narrow
ass about to get sucked in

if something... Hey, don't
do this. You got a case.

I will cut you.

You got
a case pending.

You know what?
We're going.

We're going.
I'm not afraid of her.

You need to be afraid of her.
You don't watch Wild Kingdom?

You ain't never seen
a lion attack a gazelle?

She about to smack the
CoverGirl off your face.

You better
get up out of here.

'Scoe. 'Scoe.
Hey, look, man...

Let him go.
Let him go.

Get off of me,

Come on, baby.

I can see your spine.
Look at that snake!

It was so good
to see you, Jamaal.


Don't you forget
to stay in touch

with your grandma
and grandpa, you hear?

I will.
Thanks, Mama Jenkins.

Well, here's something
for the road.

your favorite.

Thanks, Mama.

Oh, I just hate to see
you go. But I understand.

Lord have mercy,
I understand.

Just don't let it be
another nine years, okay?


We love you.

I love you, too, Mama.

Honey, don't be sad. I'm
sorry things didn't work out.

I promise
we'll fix this together.

I hope so, baby.

We'll come up
with a new plan.

Yeah, we have more time
to work on the speech.

We'll film the banquet in LA,
hire actors. It'll look better.

Hire actors?
To play my family?


We're getting married
and forming a powerful merger.

Where does your
family fit into that?

I guess they don't.

Dad, are you serious?


Haven't you realized by now
who your father's become?

It's all about
the Team of Me.

This is Team Stevens,
and you need to get on board.

I'm a Jenkins.

RJ, please talk
to your son.

She's right, Jamaal. We
gotta move forward, all right?

You think just because
you bonded with everybody

I'm gonna send you down here
for summers and Christmases...

so you can be influenced by
these people? But... But, Dad!

No buts, Jamaal.

In fact, you know, let's not
even invite them to the wedding.

Oh, my God!
I'm so glad you said that!

I've been thinking that
ever since I met Betty.

I don't blame you.
Bitch ain't got no class.

You can say that again.

No class.

We can say that about a
few people in your family.

Right, baby?


Honey, you are so
doing the right thing.

And making me
so hot in the process.

Oh, yeah?

Well, prepare to cool off,
'cause I'm done with you.

You crazy-ass bitch! You
know what? Thank you, Bianca.

Thank you so much

for letting me finally see you
for the arrogant, sex-crazed,

pretentious, fake-ass
celebrity wannabe that you are.

Thank you, Bianca.
Thank you.

Oh, well,
you're so welcome, Roscoe!

I knew it.
You can't handle me.

You're not man enough.
You don't have the balls!

King Kong don't have
the balls! Bounce!

You just signed your
career death certificate.

Our alliance
is officially over!

And so are you.
Come on, Fiona.

Come on, Fifi.
Come to Mommy.

It looks like
your alliance is over,

and you've been
voted off the island.

Bianca, the tribe
has spoken. Bounce!

Dad, you're the man!

I told you
who the boss was.

Let's go.

Wait, my bags!

I love you, son.
I love you, too, Dad.

Let's go home.

Mama said,

"Girl, it ain't right

"to throw hot grits on a man
when you have a disagreement."

Sound advice. Real good
advice, but did I listen?

No. Old Betty
had to do it her way.

And that was
my second husband.

God knows I didn't
mean to burn him.

But my third husband,
Buck, baby...

Buck was good to me!

And any time
you get somebody

that's good to you
like that, you love 'em.

Big black Buck had the
keloid hanging from the ear.

Looked like he had a
leather hearing aid. Stop!

Daddy, I know you
didn't like Buck a lot,

but Buck was a good man
when he got out of jail.

I'm gonna tell you something. He did
everything he said he was gonna do.

And do you know,
Buck was the only man,

the only man
that could pick me up?

Baby, y'all don't
know what it's like

for a man to scoop
you up like that.

Betty. Betty... I'm
trying to tell 'em!

Scoop you like...

Get off of me! I'm
not finished. Betty.

You a hater!
I ain't no hater.

We only got
five hours to be here.

Shut up!

Thank you, Betty!
Thank you! Yeah!

And now for our next testimonial.
It'll come from Clyde.

All right, how's everybody
doing? Ain't God good?

All the time.

It is a pleasure and
a privilege to be here

for Papa J and Mama
J's 50th anniversary.

Lord, growing up in this Jenkins
household was something else.

And Papa J is a strong man. I
mean, well, this the kind of person,

when he say he'll
slap the black off you,

I mean the black
really will come off.

I woke up light-skinned at
least three times in my life.

Yeah, I got it all back.

You all right?
You barely ate.

But you know, working
in his hardware store...

I just wish
Roscoe were here.

made his choice.

You didn't give him
much of one.

What was I supposed to do? Be
disrespected in my own home?

Be his father.

Giving him your name
doesn't make him you, Roscoe.

It doesn't make him Betty
or Otis or even Clyde.

He's Roscoe Junior. RJ.

And for a boy who didn't feel
the support of his family,

he's doing quite well
for himself.

... sleeping in
the bottom bunk bed,

you know,
under RJ, and then

I was nervous 'cause
he would pee in the bed.

And that would, you
know, that would...

I would have
some scary nights sometime.

You know, it's hard sleeping
with a raincoat on, you know.

And, you know, and...

And I tried to explain
to them that, you know,

that's Roscoe the one that's
peeing in the bed, not me.

And, he...

You know, just the way they
took me in was so gracious.

They didn't have to
do that. I thank you.

I thank y'all and...

Because I don't know where
I would be right now if...

Nigga, what is you crying for?

Big old Sugar Bear-looking-ass
boy. Sitting up there crying.

He's still wearing the
pajamas with the feet in 'em.

Wow, I've never seen
Clyde cry before.

Ain't nobody crying.
I'm just cleansing.

No, those some real
tears right there. I know.

I've cried more than a newborn
baby getting his ass popped.

Hey, guys.

I've been beat up...
Hey, Jamaal!

... insulted,
laughed at...

A lot.

Hey, you're laughing already.

I lost more games
and competitions

to Clyde
than I can remember.

Oh, 3,459 and counting.

Thank you, Clyde.

I thought I was a loser.

So I went away

and transformed myself into
what I thought was a winner.

But being around y'all is a 24/7

reality check.

Y'all rough on a brother.

The clothes,
the car, the Survivor...

Y'all pull no punches.

You know that's right!

Betty, you got
a hell of a right hand.

That's no joke. And O, you
got a hell of a left hand.

That's right.

But look, I...

I want to thank you,
all of you, my family.

Thank you for making
me a better man.

For giving me strength to...

To withstand anything
this world throws at me.

For unconditional love,

and a place to call home.

I'm not gonna do it.
I'm not gonna cry.

Happy Anniversary,
Mommy, Daddy. I love you.

I'm so proud of you.

I know. We all need love.

Yeah, come on, Clyde.
We gonna let them

have this moment, all
right? I just want a hug, O.

I know, baby.
Come over here and let's...


if I ever drove you away, if
I ever made you feel unworthy,

I'm sorry. I love you.
Glad to have you back.

And those words you just
said, that's the best gift

I've ever received,
RJ Stevens.

Well, it's from the heart,
Daddy. And the name is Jenkins.

Roscoe Steven Jenkins.
Just like my daddy.


Reggie, come here. What the
hell is wrong with you, nigga?

What the hell has gotten
into you? Man, he needs help.

Go get her, son.


I waited 20 years
to create this opportunity.

Would you dance with me?

I'd love to.

Lucinda, I'm happy for you.

Hey! Betty, come on, let's get
out here and cut a rug, girl.

Negro, we're cousins.
That's nasty!

So desperate.
That's a damn shame.

You gonna play me for him?
He got on an ankle bracelet!

Thank you.

Did you see
the bedroom?

Look at Roscoe
trying to be in love.

I heard that.

that's a good picture.

Oh, look at that. Yeah,
this should be good.

There's Sugar Bear Clyde.

Look at that.

That looks good, Reggie.
That's a blue bonnet, baby.

Pow! That boy crazy
right there, isn't he?

We do have
one hell of a family.

We sure do, Daddy.

Where are
those two anyway?

Oh, Ma, you know
where they are.

That's nice.


Ladies and gentlemen,
your host, Roscoe Jenkins!

All right. Thank you, thank you.

You all looking good. Looking
good. What's good, family?

Today's show
is about family.

And what better way to kick it
off than with the doctor's own?

Say hello
to the Jenkins clan.

Hey, y'all!
Hey, everybody!

Ow! Pump, pump, pump, pump, pump,
pump, pa-pump! Pump, pump, pump, pump!

Betty. Betty. Yes!

Mind your
own business, Otis.

We'll be right back. We just
trying to have a good time

here on 'Scoe's show. You
always gotta say something.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

Let's get started.

You're a doctor,
so tell me this.

Why am I having trouble
reaching an orgasm?

So you've never
been able to?

Now, I know how to get
myself to the destination,

I just need a captain
to navigate the waters.

Now, 'Scoe, you
got to help me here.

Is that thing physical
or is that thing mental?

Or is it emotional, 'Scoe?

Like, where do
you go to find...

Can we cut?
I'm... I'm uncomfortable.

Wait a minute, 'Scoe. I'm
just trying to figure out

how I'm supposed
to get mine, okay?

So you think it's okay
to spank your kids.

Yeah, I spank my kids.
I get in their...

They... up,
I start... them up.

Tag team.

Oh, cuss words.

Oh, gee, I'm sorry.

You know me, man.

Hustling is my job. I mean, I
ain't never really paid no rent.

You know what I'm saying? I
ain't never really paid no bills.

You know what I'm
saying? So... But I...

For some reason, I've
always got cash in my pocket!

I guess it's 'cause
I got a honest face.

I mean,
I don't know,

you might have a problem
with that since, when we was

little I would always beat
you. You know what I'm saying?

You pull out the cards, you one,
two, three, you draw four, I'm like...

Uno. You know what I'm saying?
You make a move, I'm C-4, C-2...

I sunk your battleship. You
remember that, don't you?

And then he be finished.
I'm like, "Damn!

"Is something wrong
with my... My cakes?"

You know what I'm
saying? I don't know if

something wrong with
my tastycakes, 'Scoe.

You actually
tase your kids?

Hell, yeah,
I tase my... kids.

You shock 'em,
they be like...

I say, "You gonna take out
that trash now?" He just...

For not taking
out the trash?

45,000 volts right through
his big... "Yes... Dad..."


Hold it, hold up.
Who is this? Yeah, what it is?

Man, I'm on the show. You ain't
watching? I'm on the show right now!

I ain't gotta... No, I'm on
the show. Look at me. Look.

We could do it right now,
bro. You put your hands up...

Or rock-paper-scissors.

We could do it right here. I mean,
you know, what you scratching for?

You know, you want to scratch?
You want to have a scratch battle?

'Cause we can scratch out. We
can... We could DJ scratch...

I'll make me a bubble bath,
light me some little candles,

and then I gets down in that
water, 'Scoe, and I be...

I'm thinking about it right
now. Let me get myself together.

Cut! Cut!
God forgive me.

Take the $150, go buy you a
eight ball. Flip the eight ball,

you gonna make 300 off that.
Take the 300, get you a quarter.

Take the quarter ounce, flip
that. Stay over at Aunt Lea's...

Like if you... If there
wasn't an audience out there,

I would race you up and
down the audience steps.

We can go. You know we can go, too.

Take the half ounce money,
flip the half ounce money.

Now you ready for a ounce.
You got a quarter ki now!

Now everybody
in the neighborhood

got on new sneakers
and walkie-talkies.

is working for you,

you doing your thing
and everything.

I hope the feds ain't watching
this. I'll call you back.

I am. I am afraid, okay? I'm...
I'm... I'm afraid of being hurt,

and I don't
want to be hurt.

You pursue
unattainable men.

What? You want men you can't have.

Men I can't have?

Listen here... okay? I can
have any man I want, okay?

Don't get me
twisted, 'Scoe.

I am pretty in the face
and thick around the waist.

You better ask somebody.
I got sugar walls!

This right here
is sweet tea.

Ain't that
right, baby?

Yo, ma.

Yeah. I'm saying, Doc,
the booty is illmatic!

Well, that wasn't quite
what a brother had in mind.

But that's the thing
about family.

but entertaining.

And we love 'em.

Special thanks to SergeiK.