What Happens In Vegas Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the What Happens In Vegas script is here for all you fans of the Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some What Happens In Vegas quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

What Happens In Vegas Script

  
  
Do I attract you?
Do I repulse you with my queasy smile?

  
Am I too dirty?
Am I too flirty?

  
Do I like what you like?
Why don't you like me?

  
Why don't you like me
Without making me try?

  
I try to be like Grace Kelly

  
But all her looks were too sad

  
so I try a little Freddie

  
I've gone identity mad!

  
I could be brown
I could be blue

  
Gotta be everything more

  
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me?

  
Why don't you walk out the door?

  
- Here you go, sweetie.
- Oh, thanks.

  
I tried banana nut sprout this morning.

  
Thought, you know,
a little change of pace,

  
thought somebody deserves
something special for his birthday.

  
Yeah. It's good.

  
Okay, so I made
reservations tonight at Babbo at 8:30.

  
I thought maybe we could talk about,
you know, setting a date?

  
Did you just make a plan to make a plan?

  
- Did I just do that again?
- Yeah, you did.

  
- Sorry.
- It's all right.

  
All right, I'll see you later, okay?

  
- Hey, hey, hey! Love you.
- Love you, too.

  
- Bye.
- Bye.

  
- Happy birthday!
- You, too!

  
Hello, sir.
Would you like to buy some cookies?

  
I would. I really would. I just...

  
Unfortunately, I don't have any money.

  
I don't have any cookies.

  
Jack?

  
I need a key.

  
Wow.

  
Wow. That...

  
A key?

  
What? No! I want a key.

  
Like an actual key to your apartment
so I don't have to wait outside

  
when I'm dressed
in these little slutty outfits.

  
I don't want to live with you.

  
No offense.

  
And you know I mean this
in the nicest possible way.

  
You're not exactly
serious boyfriend/marriage material.

  
And I pride myself on that.

  
I gotta go. I'll see you next week.
What're we doing?

  
Mother of the baby saved from the fire
and the sexy shirtless fireman?

  
I could be brown
I could be blue

  
I could be violet sky

  
I could be hurtful
I could be purple

  
I could be anything you like

  
Gotta be green
Gotta be mean

  
Gotta be everything more

  
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me?

  
Why don't you walk out the door?

  
I could be brown
I could be blue

  
Gotta be everything more

  
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me?

  
Why don't you walk out the door?

  
- McNally.
- Chong.

  
Not now.

  
Hey! Hey! Hey, hey! Here we go! Yeah!
That's looking good! All right!

  
That's good form right there.
Let's keep that up, huh?

  
That's a beautiful veneer. Just throw that
on the edge-band and we're set.

  
- All right!
- Hey, Jack?

  
- Do you know what time it is?
- What? I can't hear you over the saw.

  
We're in the zone over here.
I don't want to lose focus.

  
That's how people lose fingers, huh?

  
- You're fired.
- All right. We are fired up, boys!

  
You are fired!

  
All right.

  
I'll play you for it. You win, I'm out.

  
I win. I get a second chance.

  
It's not a second chance
when you've had a hundred of them.

  
Oh! Nine-seven! Keeping my job! Yeah!

  
Okay. All right.

  
- I'll give you one.
- Do you know what?

  
You're supposed to be the future boss,

  
but you're too busy
being the life of the party.

  
At some point, you're gonna have
to step up and be a man.

  
- Eight-nine! Unemployment!
- Okay, man. You want to play?

  
Nine-nine! Food stamps! Tastes so good.

  
- Okay, that's not even a shot.
- The boss got game! The boss got game!

  
Ten-nine. This is it, Jack.

  
- You know what? This is ridiculous.
- You know what? That's your problem.

  
You can't handle the pressure. As soon
as you think you're going to lose, you quit.

  
Game over, Jack.

  
Don't get me wrong.
You're like a son to me.

  
- Dad, I am your son.
- Yeah, and it's time to cut the cord.

  
Let's go clean out your desk.

  
Mason has no idea, not an idea at all.

  
- That you're pathetic, or...
- What, do you think I went overboard?

  
No. No, I think it's the exact
right amount of board.

  
Which is what I am right now.
Can we start drinking?

  
Of course. Okay, lookit!
These are for Mason.

  
What's that?

  
Vegas? I thought you hated Vegas.

  
I do, but, you know,
that's why they call it a gift tip,

  
- because it truly is selfless.
- Oh, thanks.

  
Okay, everyone listen!
I'm going to bring him in,

  
I'm gonna turn on the lights, and that's
when you yell, "Surprise!"

  
Oh, that's how a surprise party works!
I'm totally gonna write that down.

  
Okay. Everyone, hide! Hide, hide, hide!

  
- Hi, sweetie!
- Hey!

  
Welcome home. Happy birthday.
Okay, come inside...

  
- Listen, Joy. We need to talk.
- Okay. Well, let's do it inside. Okay?

  
No, no, no. I can't, or I'll never do this.

  
Look, there's no easy way to say this.

  
Okay, then don't. Okay? Just think it,

  
and then later, I'll try to figure out
what it was you were thinking.

  
Okay? Let's just go inside.

  
No, no, no, no, no, no!
This can't wait, Joy.

  
You know I have a really important job.

  
- Right?
- Yeah.

  
So when I come home,
I want this place to be an escape.

  
And as of late, it's not.

  
Yes, the sex is great, okay?
I mean, that's fantastic,

  
and I can't tell you how much I appreciate
all the things you've been trying

  
with my butt.

  
But the rest is so exhausting.

  
You're so on all the time, with all the
scheduling and planning, it's just...

  
I don't want to marry you, Joy.

  
I'm leaving you.

  
Well, I mean, this is my place, so
technically, you would be the one

  
that has to leave, but... Are you crying?

  
Surprise.

  
- Oh, shitballs.
- Yeah.

  
Hey!

  
Hey. Here...

  
Do you have any idea
how much money I've made him?

  
You're my lawyer.
Can I sue him for something?

  
Well, the problem with suing your father
is that he's your dad.

  
He'd love it. He'd think we were bonding.

  
Maybe he would be! You don't know.
Take him to court. It might be nice.

  
- What am I gonna do about money?
- You're just realizing that right now?

  
- Fascinating.
- I could do a lot of things for money.

  
I'm good at stuff.

  
I'll bet you $I can finish this beer faster than you.

  
Really? You're on.

  
He doesn't even deserve me.

  
Here's my thought on what we should do
with this whole Mason thing.

  
- Okay.
- Once a week,

  
we get some of my brother's
loser-ass friends

  
to go over to Mason's house,
ring his doorbell,

  
and when he answers,
they're just gonna, bang,

  
junkpunch him
right up in his man business

  
and then he's gonna keel over.

  
While he's writhing on the ground
screaming, "Why?"

  
they'll go, "You know why!"

  
Wow! Did you just think of that?

  
No, I was thinking about it a lot
on the way over.

  
You are a child!

  
- What is that? What is that?
- Double or nothing.

  
Joy, you're gonna need
to take off this ring.

  
No, I... I'm just... I'm just gonna...

  
I'm just going to wear it
on the other hand.

  
You're on fire. Man, you are on fire.

  
This is like... I mean, you're lucky.

  
- I don't feel good.
- We need to capitalize on this.

  
You know what's gonna
make you feel better?

  
What?

  
Where's the one place where
you can step up and be a man?

  
Community college?

  
Where can you go where
you can forget all your troubles

  
and act like a total idiot?

  
I am talking about one place
and one place only, my friend.

  
Do not say Vegas.

  
Please say Vegas.

  
- Vegas, baby.
- Vegas?

  
- Las Vegas?
- What?

  
Swish it around in your mouth a little bit.
Think about it.

  
- Vegas!
- Vegas.

  
- Carefree.
- Say it like you mean it.

  
- Spontaneous.
- I can't hear you!

  
- Vegas!
- Vegas?

  
- Vegas!
- Vegas!

  
- Vegas!
- Vegas!

  
- Vegas!
- Vegas!

  
Hello, Las Vegas!

  
Wow.

  
Vegas.

  
Everyone, I'm so sorry,
but our computers are down right now,

  
so just bear with us, please.
I'm sorry. I know.

  
Okay, your fiancÚ is one lucky guy.

  
I love Vegas!

  
Time to get a big-boy drink.

  
I'll have a vodka and a Scotch.

  
This is where I'm passing out.
Pants, you're out of here.

  
Did we ever tell you
you scream like a girl?

  
My eyes! It burns!

  
My head!
My head and my eyes are burning!

  
My back!

  
My nose! My nose now!

  
Whoa! Whoa! Take it easy!

  
It's okay! It's okay! They're gay!

  
- What?
- They're gay!

  
This... No, no, this is not
what it looks like.

  
We just...
We all got booked in the same room.

  
Let's just go downstairs.
I smell an upgrade!

  
- You guys aren't gay?
- No.

  
- I got this.
- No.

  
Just let me handle it, okay?

  
Okay.

  
Curtis. You and I have a problem.

  
I think we both know
how this game works.

  
I complain, and you tell me
there's nothing you can do,

  
but we both know that's a big, fat lie,

  
so why don't you just
save us both the trouble

  
and type in those special codes

  
that you know
you're gonna type in eventually

  
and find me two rooms that are so nice

  
that it turns my night right back around?

  
She's awfully hostile for a girl named Joy.

  
I'm going to do exactly
what you're telling me to do, because

  
I'm a little frightened of you.

  
These are penthouse suites.

  
You can't get any higher than that
without going on the roof,

  
and you're not allowed on the roof,
because people jump.

  
Penthouse suites.

  
- Nice!
- No!

  
- Yeah.
- That's not bad.

  
Well, you're welcome.

  
Now watch and learn.

  
- Hey, buddy.
- Oh, hi. How are you?

  
I think you just met my friend back there.

  
Kind of a scary person.

  
Oh, Egyptian cotton. That's nice.

  
I want to apologize for her.
For three weeks out of the month,

  
we get to enjoy
God's most precious creation,

  
and on week four, the bill arrives.

  
I know what you mean.

  
Look, I don't want to push here,

  
but I know that a man in your position
is capable of producing certain amenities.

  
Planet Hollywood. Yeah.

  
VIP!

  
Hey. So, you're from New York,
we're from New York.

  
- We're going to Le Cirque, please!
- Come on.

  
Look, I didn't bring my buddy
all the way out to Vegas

  
so he could get his ass kicked. Right?

  
So the least you could do is help me
show him a good time.

  
Your buddy wouldn't know a good time
if it sat on his face.

  
Okay, you know what, Stripper?
You are kind of a disgusting skank.

  
Driver, we'll get out here! Thank you!

  
- Okay, bye!
- Thank you.

  
- Use a condom, boys.
- Bye-bye. Bye. Just go!

  
Oh, come on. One drink.

  
I'm a pretty fun guy. You can ask around.

  
Thanks, but we have dinner reservations.

  
And we have to map out our assault
on the strip.

  
You have a plan to make plans?

  
Excuse me?

  
I bet you look really good
with your hair down.

  
- My hair is down.
- One drink!

  
I dare you!

  
Did I invent hip-hop? No. But I was there.

  
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

  
- So, Joy.
- Yeah?

  
What brings you to Sin City?

  
You know, just being spontaneous,

  
cutting loose, like everyone else.
How about yourself?

  
Yeah. Me? Oh, I'm here on business.

  
Big business, actually. I'm...

  
I'm a pretty important guy

  
in my field.

  
Really?

  
No.

  
Actually,

  
I just got fired. So, cheers to that.

  
I just got dumped, so, salud.

  
Did I mention that I got fired
by my boss-slash-father?

  
Did I mention that I threw
a surprise birthday party for my fiancÚ

  
and the surprise was that he dumped me
in front of all of our closest friends

  
while they hid in the closet?

  
Wow. Okay, you win.

  
Excuse me.
We're gonna need a whole bottle.

  
I saved a baby today.
I'm not a hero, though.

  
- You know what I mean? I'm not a...
- He's married.

  
This is my lesbian sister.
Tell her about your softball game.

  
Tell her about your softball team.

  
What do you say we bet 10-to-1,
with $125 on the hard eight?

  
- Bets are right there.
- All right. Roll them out.

  
No, no, no, no, no. I wouldn't...
I wouldn't bet on me winning.

  
You roll, princess.

  
All right. Go, 44! 44!

  
This is my party trick. Here it goes.

  
What are you gonna do?
Are you going to cut...

  
You know, you were right about me.

  
You just cut it off!

  
It's like you're trying to come in first
but it's somebody else's race.

  
- It's like Egypt!
- It's amazing!

  
You never felt good enough,
so you took yourself out of the game.

  
To everyone who's ever been dumped

  
and to everyone who has ever been fired,

  
when I say, "Screw!" you say, "You!"

  
- Screw!
- You!

  
- Screw!
- You!

  
Yes!

  
I think I just got to the point
where I wasn't even trying.

  
Why should you try?

  
I work 80 hours a week
and I don't even know why.

  
I've been so naughty!

  
Out of my way! Out of my way!

  
I'm not usually this honest.

  
I'm usually not this fun.

  
The best part is...

  
- We can really talk.
- Really connect.

  
Yeah, 'cause you're like the last person
on the planet I'd ever sleep with!

  
Ever! Ever! Ever!

  
This is gonna be fun!

  
Oh, God. Please be fake. Please be fake.

  
Oh, God.

  
No, no, please, please, please!
Oh, please, please, no!

  
You can't get divorced here, okay?
You gotta do it where you live.

  
Besides, you don't want a divorce,
all right? You want an annulment.

  
See, what happens in Vegas, you pay for
when you get back home.

  
That's what the thing is.

  
Was there any part of the night,

  
I don't know, maybe, say, the part where
I was about to marry the rebound guy,

  
that you thought, "Hey, oh my God!

  
"This is a really good time
for an intervention"?

  
- Seriously?
- Yeah.

  
I, like, threw up in my own purse, so...

  
Hey, hey, hey, hey.

  
- Hi!
- Good morning.

  
- Morning.
- Good morning.

  
Morning, morning, morning.

  
I could use some coffee.

  
Oh, God, yeah.

  
Well, what's mine is yours.

  
Here, well, you want to, uh...

  
Mi coffee es su coffee.

  
- This is good orange juice.
- Yeah. It's very good.

  
It's ridiculously good.
The orange juice is good.

  
- I don't usually like pulp. You a fan?
- Not really.

  
- Jack?
- Yes.

  
- Can I talk to you for a second?
- Yep.

  
Yes. Yep. Talk. Sure.

  
They're so cute together!

  
If I could make someone dead
with my mind, it would be you.

  
- Yo.
- Hey.

  
So!

  
- Great night, huh?
- Yeah!

  
I mean, you are a lot of fun, Joy.

  
- I am?
- Yeah!

  
A lot of fun. That... I mean, last night was

  
so

  
great.

  
Actually, you know, there was like...
Maybe there was one tiny little thing...

  
I think I know what you mean.

  
Okay, this...

  
There's no easy way to say this,
so I'm just going to...

  
Whoa, whoa. Wait. Are...

  
Are you

  
- dumping me?
- You didn't...

  
No! I was coming down here to dump you!

  
- Oh! Jeez... Okay, so we're good!
- Yeah!

  
- Okay, disaster averted!
- You said it!

  
- Yeah, no. Bullet dodged!
- You betcha!

  
I mean, pooch unscrewed! Free at last!

  
- Thank God Almighty, I'm free at last.
- Okay. I got it, okay?

  
- Got it.
- Okay. I'm sorry. I...

  
You just seem like the type of girl
who's looking for a serious relationship,

  
and I'm not that... I mean, you... Like...

  
No offense,
but you seem like a lot of work.

  
Like it would take, like,
a team of guys, and I'm not...

  
Marriages are an outdated concept...

  
Are you dumping me again?

  
- I'm in a really weird place right now...
- Where's that, Jack? The starting line?

  
Because I have news for you, buddy.
The gun went off a long time ago.

  
Okay! Look at that!
Good luck with the job, huh?

  
"Employee handles criticism poorly!"

  
Well, then maybe
you should teach a seminar, Jack,

  
considering you can't even keep a job
with your own father!

  
You know, the one person who's
biologically programed to love you,

  
and even he can't stand you!

  
Look at that. You had to come all the way
to Vegas and marry a complete stranger

  
just to prove that you're not a robot.
Congratulations, Joy! That was a feeling!

  
Oh, I have a feeling, all right!
It's called nausea!

  
Yeah?
"Oh, I have a feeling, all right!

  
"It's called nausea!"

  
- How old are you, five?
- Six, actually. I'm six.

  
You know, this is why we'd never work.

  
'Cause I could never, ever be with
someone that's so completely broken!

  
- Broken?
- Broken!

  
Broken. You know what?
You don't even know me, mister!

  
No, I don't know you,
and I got a feeling that neither do you.

  
You know what?
I'll call you about the annulment.

  
How about this?
Why don't you just e-mail me?

  
Hey. Hey, hey, hey!

  
- We'll always have Vegas!
- Hey! That's my quarter!

  
What the...

  
We are the champions, my friends

  
And we'll keep on fighting
till the end

  
I'm really, really rich!
I'm really, really rich!

  
We are the champions

  
That was my quarter!

  
We are the champions

  
- We did it!
- Richest man in the world!

  
No time for losers
'Cause we are the champions

  
A big giant check! I'm so happy!
I've never been...

  
I'm really happy!

  
Oh, my God! That was my quarter!

  
Congratulations!
You just quadrupled your investment!

  
What, you think this is all yours? God!

  
Yes, it's mine. I put the quarter
in the machine and I pulled the lever.

  
My quarter on the machine that I was
using, the one I loosened up for you!

  
That's right! Now if you'll excuse me,

  
I have a giant colorful check to deposit!

  
Whatever happened to
"What's mine is yours, baby"?

  
We're married now, remember?

  
More importantly, Your Honor, my client
only knew Miss McNally for four hours

  
before they "got married,"

  
three and a half of which were spent
in a state of

  
total inebriation.

  
Mmm-hmm.

  
You. Other one.

  
You have any evidence that you both
knowingly entered into this marriage,

  
that it's not just a sham?

  
Let me see.

  
Would a note do?

  
It's a start.

  
And then there's a photo.

  
Nice.

  
I didn't know anything about that.

  
There's also

  
- a video.
- And I am going to provide for her,

  
I'm gonna love her,

  
and I'm going to provide for her,

  
- 'cause we're married!
- Married!

  
We're all gonna get laid!

  
Was that you, Cueball? His lawyer?

  
I didn't... I don't have my glasses on.

  
I don't like you.

  
I don't like any of you.

  
Your generation,
with your Vegas and your Internet

  
and your "I want it right now."

  
You know, gay people aren't destroying
the sanctity of marriage,

  
you people are.

  
Marriage is about love and commitment.

  
Listen, I've been married for 25 years
to the same wonderful, infuriating woman,

  
and granted, there are days
when I want to light her on fire,

  
but I don't, because I love her,

  
and that would be illegal.

  
And you know something?
I might be old-fashioned,

  
but when I said those vows out loud,
I meant them.

  
This guy is such a douche.

  
Before, or should I say if

  
I ever allow either of you
out of this marriage,

  
I'm going to make sure
that you try everything,

  
and I do mean everything, first
to make it work.

  
- Objection, Your Honor. You can't do that.
- Objection!

  
Watch me. Now, do either one of you
have a place to live?

  
I don't at the moment, Your Honor,
but I will.

  
You see, I...

  
My ex-fiancÚ and I broke up, and...

  
You know, Mrs. Fuller, you're not helping
make your case here, okay?

  
What about you, pretty boy?
You got a crash pad?

  
- Yes.
- Okay, great! We have a hearth!

  
I am freezing the $3 million
for the next six months

  
and sentencing you two
to six months hard marriage.

  
And so I can keep an eye on you,

  
I'm ordering you both
into weekly marital counseling.

  
I want you two to listen to me.

  
You better play by my rules on this,
or I'm gonna tie this money up in litigation

  
that is so long,
so protracted, so expensive

  
that neither one of you
will ever see a dime of it.

  
All right. Anything...
Oh, yeah! One more thing.

  
I now pronounce you man and wife!

  
Can he do that?

  
Yeah, he's the judge.
He can do whatever he wants.

  
And he clearly wants to make an example
out of you both.

  
If you just do what the guy says,

  
he's gonna be forced
to grant you a divorce.

  
- In which case...
- You would probably...

  
...split...
...the money...

  
...equally as marital property.

  
You didn't do anything in there!

  
- What?
- You didn't do anything!

  
I called her a vixen! I called her a vixen!

  
- So?
- So.

  
I can do anything for six months.

  
I can not wear pants for six months.
So if you aren't up to it...

  
Oh, I am so up to it.

  
And if you're trying to insinuate
that I'm the one that can't do this,

  
then you are sorely mistaken, short bus.

  
Whoa! Okay! So it's settled, then.

  
All right. Think of it
as a business arrangement.

  
Be married for six months,
get $1.5 million.

  
- How hard can it be?
- I know how hard it isn't.

  
Excuse me. Out of my way. Thank you.

  
- Oh, Jesus. Here.
- Great.

  
Smile for the camera.

  
Hi, hubby, it's me. Open up.

  
Hiya!

  
It's all the way at the top.

  
She's here.

  
Okay, don't overdo it, though.

  
Hey! Look what I brought my new hubby!

  
'Cause I want to please him,
and men, they like the beer.

  
Hey, look who's being a good wifey,
really trying to make her marriage work.

  
Oh, muffin pants, what a wonderful gift.

  
I'm going to buy you a big box of Tampax
just so I can thank you,

  
'cause that's what good husbands do.

  
Sorry, I can't control myself
when I'm around you,

  
I just love you so much!

  
Not as much as I love you!

  
Shall we, Mrs. Fuller?

  
Oh. Here. Let me get this.

  
- Let me get that. Oh.
- Wait a sec.

  
Slippery. Slippery.

  
What?

  
Sorry, baby,
just you're a little on the heavy side.

  
Welcome home, sweetheart.

  
You literally have a bar
in the middle of your living room.

  
It's not so bad.

  
I mean, I would never live here, ever, but...

  
What? I ran
the New York City Marathon, okay?

  
I can do this. I can totally do this.

  
Oh, my God.

  
I can't do this!

  
Don't throw any of that hair away, okay?

  
I'm saving it up
to make you something special,

  
like a hat or a sweater.

  
I still haven't decided yet.

  
Do you train monkeys in here?

  
Seriously! It's one thing if you like a guy,
you put up with disgusting stuff like this,

  
but you I don't care for, so clean it up.

  
I'm not here under court order,
so I'm going to take off.

  
- Later, buddy.
- Bye.

  
$1.5 million.

  
Here. These are antibacterial. Get to work.

  
That looks like it's gonna be
comfortable for you.

  
Where's the bedroom?

  
- Uh... It's in there.
- Sweet dreams.

  
Yeah.

  
What is this?

  
Ooh. That was close.

  
- That stinks.
- Just a little bit of me.

  
- Oh, God!
- And some other people. Whatever.

  
- Do you need some help?
- Yeah, I do, as a matter of fact.

  
You should probably call somebody.

  
What?

  
- To help you.
- Okay, can I sleep on the couch?

  
No.

  
Smoothies!

  
- Hon?
- Yeah.

  
If I could just get in there for a sec.

  
I'm almost done. I'll be right out.

  
No, no. "Be right out"
is not really gonna work.

  
Like, be right out right now.

  
I'm almost done!

  
Okay...

  
Oh, yeah, this is happening.

  
You only have yourself to blame.

  
By the way, it's your day on dishes.

  
Freak.

  
Where do you get your underwear?
The hospital?

  
- What?
- Seriously, what's up with the P.E. bra?

  
Well, it's comfy and supportive,
like a man should be.

  
You women. In the beginning it's all, like,
laces and rainbows and trapdoors.

  
As soon as you get married, it's nothing
but these flesh tones and PMS pants.

  
You might as well wear a placard
around your neck

  
- that says, "We're not having sex, ever."
- Ever!

  
- Ever.
- Ever!

  
What happened to the purple bra
from Vegas? That was nice.

  
I'm going to save that
for my non-retarded husband.

  
Well, the grownups have to go
to work today.

  
- What are you going to do all day?
- I don't know yet.

  
I'd rather do nothing and be happy
than do something I know I don't love.

  
Words to live by, Yanni.

  
Beat it, worker drone.
Tell the man I say hi.

  
- Whatever, loser.
- Hey, don't get hit by a bus.

  
Or do. Whatever.

  
I believe in miracles

  
Where you from,
you sexy thing

  
I believe in miracles

  
since you came along,
you sexy thing

  
- McNally.
- What are you wearing, baby?

  
- Who is this?
- Your boss.

  
Get the Chonger
and get up here right away.

  
Coming right up! Okay.
Banger needs to see us upstairs.

  
After 15 years of loyal service,
we're dumping Bob whatshisname,

  
which means that this office
is gonna be up for grabs.

  
So, I'm going to promote one of you skirts
out of the pit.

  
And that's not sexual harassment.
Believe me, I've checked.

  
You're my top guns, girls. Do me proud.

  
Thank you, sir.

  
So! I guess I'll be Maverick
and you can be Goose.

  
Be whoever you want to be,
you'll still gonna be my subordinate.

  
- Excuse me?
- It's from the Latin, meaning "my bitch."

  
- What is wrong with you?
- I eat girls like you.

  
- Oh, you eat girls!
- Not like that.

  
- Makes total sense.
- It shouldn't.

  
- No judgments.
- But I'm not...

  
Just saying.

  
Ready to do this?

  
Pretend like you don't make me vomit
in my nose every time I look at you?

  
Yes.

  
So, Jack, tell me about yourself.
What are your hobbies?

  
Hobbies.

  
You mean, besides my marriage?

  
My hobbies.

  
Mostly, I just like loving her.

  
It's just so easy.

  
What else?

  
Listening. I love listening
to what she has to say. It's just...

  
In fact, actually,
I carry this notebook around with me,

  
just so I can write it down,
because usually it's so important.

  
What else?
I think just being there for her, in general.

  
Loving her until it hurts.

  
It hurts.

  
That's... I don't know,
that's probably most of my interests.

  
Joy?

  
I'd have to agree.

  
And I'd have to add, you know,

  
staring at him.

  
Yeah. I mean, I just love watching him be.

  
I love everything about him.

  
Most people would be repulsed,

  
you know, to find his socks
and his dirty underwear

  
sort of down shoved
in the bottom of the bed,

  
touching them in the middle of the night.

  
They might want to try
to, like, scrub and scrub and scrub

  
and try to get the stains
and the scent off of them, but...

  
Not me. I just... I love it!

  
I just...
I kind of want to just roll around in it!

  
Her candles smell awesome!

  
You know, I do have a few degrees,

  
and I went to a bunch
of really expensive schools.

  
Anyway, I'm not buying any of the bullshit
you two are selling today.

  
Now, if you want me to report back
to the court

  
that you're both working
on your marriage,

  
you're gonna actually have to do that.

  
And love
such a silly game we play, oh!

  
Like a summer's day in May
What is love, what is love?

  
I just want it to be love
Oh! Oh! Oh!

  
I, I, I, I, I
I can feel it in your kiss

  
It just gives me tender bliss
What is love, what is love?

  
I just want it to be love

  
Yes, that is the topping I wanted
on my popcorn.

  
I know that the box said
"movie theater butter,"

  
but, you guessed it,

  
what I really wanted
was Jack's Sweaty Ballsack flavor.

  
Thanks.

  
Uh! Uh! Uh! Love

  
Who can tell me I am lost?
What is love, what is love?

  
I'm just giving you
what you wanted, baby.

  
Pay attention.
See how it goes up and down. Okay?

  
It goes up,

  
and then it goes down. Like that.

  
See that? Isn't that magical? Amazing.

  
Watch one more time. One more time.

  
It goes up, right? And then it goes down.

  
No, no, no, no! Why?

  
I really, really need to get in there!

  
Why don't you just use
your special bathroom?

  
There's no heavy side!

  
- You got the window!
- No, that's actually the light side.

  
- Where's the bathroom door?
- We got robbed.

  
And all they took was the door.

  
$1.5 million.

  
Marriage is hard!

  
I don't know how people do this.
It's unnatural.

  
Men and women are not meant to coexist.

  
And I haven't had sex in forever.
I mean, forever!

  
And I need to have sex,
'cause I'm good at it!

  
That's a self-esteem booster for me.

  
- I don't know if I can do this, man.
- Oh, really?

  
'Cause I haven't been sensing that at all.

  
That's why I did a little research.

  
I've been looking through some case law,

  
you know, some precedent
to help us get around the ruling.

  
And I think I found one. Lafferty v. Holden.

  
You know, Tip,
I don't know if I can do this.

  
Then we go to plan B.

  
Mother's third marriage
was to this 20-year-old

  
club-footed Cuban bartender
who came into a ton of money.

  
The court said
that if they both wanted the money,

  
they had to remain married and prove
they can make it work. Sound familiar?

  
Mother wasn't going to see a cent of that,

  
but then she proved
that he'd been unfaithful,

  
and the judge ruled in her favor.

  
And gave her all the money.

  
See, the judge said that you had to prove

  
that you were trying
to make the marriage work.

  
But if we can make it seem like she isn't...

  
I don't know
why I haven't thought of this before!

  
- Because you're not a very good lawyer.
- Oh, my God.

  
There should be a law
against how bad a lawyer I am.

  
But then again, I wouldn't know about it!

  
So if I can get Jack to end the marriage
by either leaving me

  
or cheating on me...

  
Not only would you get out
of the marriage...

  
- You will also get the full $3 million.
- Oh, my God.

  
- I love you! I want to kiss you.
- You want to kiss me?

  
On your big, beautiful,
prematurely balding man dome.

  
All right! All right. Okay.

  
- Game on, sister!
- Game on!

  
- Game on.
- Game on.

  
Destroy it. Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus!

  
There are some refinery problems
in the South,

  
- so let's keep our eye on crude oil.
- Oh, that's too bad.

  
And I just heard a rumor

  
that the platinum futures
are gonna be very active today.

  
Yes!

  
Yeah!

  
I mean, really, let's do this mother!
Oh, my God.

  
Right, guys? I mean, let's buy shit!
Let's buy shit!

  
Do you see that? Do you see that, people?

  
That's exactly the kind of spirit
I'm talking about!

  
- You go, girl!
- Yes!

  
Oh, my God, seriously, you guys!

  
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
What are we doing? What are we doing?

  
What's happening? What's happening?
Oh, my God.

  
Son of a bitch. Son of a bitch!

  
- Hi.
- Hi.

  
We got locked out of our apartment.

  
Would you mind if we just waited in here
until the locksmith comes?

  
He said it would only be a few hours.

  
A few...

  
Sure.

  
- Thank you!
- Great!

  
Also, we were supposed to have
some friends over tonight.

  
Do you mind if they waited in here, too?

  
I'll jump on that grenade, too, I suppose.

  
- Thank you.
- Yeah.

  
- Thank you so much.
- No, thank you. Thank you.

  
Welcome to my humble abode.

  
Those are probably my friends.

  
- Hi.
- Hi.

  
We're the friends.

  
- You look like the friends. You do.
- Hi.

  
- Hey.
- There is a hot girl party going on

  
- in my living room.
- What are you talking about?

  
I'm talking about the fact that there are
a buttload of beautiful women...

  
Oh, my God. Okay, there's a pillow fight
about to break out.

  
Oh, my God. Dude, it's a trap.

  
No, it's not! No! This happens!

  
No! It doesn't happen!

  
Get out of the house!
Get out of the house right now!

  
She must have figured out
the same thing we did.

  
Okay, just because Joy sets a trap

  
doesn't mean we can't play at
the same game.

  
You call Bear, you call every guy we know.

  
And get some boring stockbroker
kind of guys,

  
the kind of guys
you and me would beat up.

  
The more boring, the better.

  
She has no idea
what she's gotten herself into.

  
You okay?

  
In here, guys. Yo, Jack, what up?

  
This chick's the reason
we're not spending our money right now.

  
This chick is the reason
I'm not having a six-way right now!

  
- Hey.
- Hey.

  
So, look. This isn't working.
I think we need to call in some sluts.

  
- Sluts? I know sluts.
- Make the call.

  
Which one of these ugly losers
is ruining your life?

  
That one. The pink parade over there.

  
That's your wife?

  
Oh, my God, she is so f-ing hot!

  
What is wrong with you?

  
Pick a team. Pick a team.
Pick a team! Right now! Pick a team.

  
- Come on.
- Hers. Hers! Hers!

  
Listen up, girls. Do whatever you need
to do to get into his pants.

  
Ignore her.
Don't even make eye contact with her.

  
Look at every girl in here except for her.
It'll drive her crazy.

  
Get him drunk. It'll slip right out.

  
Go!

  
Hi.

  
Oh, I get it.

  
I get what you guys are doing. Okay.

  
Well, I'm going to...
Thank you. Sorry. Excuse me.

  
Oh, God!

  
If you need anybody to talk to,
you know, just let me know.

  
- Thanks.
- Get out of here. Get out of here.

  
Get out of here!
Get out of here, both of you!

  
I'll give her the money!

  
- I'll give her the money!
- No, no, no, no, no.

  
Oh, shit.

  
I'm here about a noise complaint!

  
Someone called to complain
that you're not making enough noise!

  
- This is the best party ever!
- This is the greatest party ever!

  
I'm arrested! You guys, I'm arrested!

  
Hey.

  
Sorry. I was just trying to find some quiet

  
- from the craziness out there.
- Yeah. Yeah, I'm... Beer?

  
Sure.

  
Do you really think that I'm dumb enough
to cheat on you?

  
I think it's only a matter of time,

  
and, yeah, I think you're more
than dumb enough.

  
Thank you for the vote of confidence.

  
I appreciate that.

  
This must be so hard for you.

  
- What?
- Being in a relationship.

  
Okay. I've been in relationships before,
all right?

  
Oh, come on, Jack.

  
I know you.
Don't forget, I have been living with you.

  
You're not exactly serious
boyfriend/husband material, okay?

  
- Well, this must be hard for you, too.
- Really?

  
Yeah, being married to me when
you're so clearly in love with your ex.

  
- I'm not in love with him.
- Right.

  
Then why are you still wearing the ring
on your finger?

  
Because my current husband
bought me one

  
out of a vending machine in Vegas.

  
All I know is, if I get dumped on my ass,

  
I'm not wearing the ring
unless I'm still in love with him.

  
- I'm not in love with him, okay?
- Okay! Right.

  
In fact, I'm happy
I'm not with him anymore.

  
I spent the last four years of my life

  
trying to be
somebody else's idea of perfect,

  
and you know what?
I still don't feel good enough for him.

  
Okay, that's not what I meant, okay?
I just...

  
Hey! Don't worry!
Your secret's safe with me.

  
Oh, you're such an ass.

  
You know what? It's irrelevant now,

  
because I don't care
if I ever see him again.

  
Wow. Thank you, baby.

  
- That makes me feel so, so, so special.
- You know what? It has nothing

  
- to do with you, Jack.
- By the way, don't worry about me,

  
- because I'm a married man.
- Yeah.

  
We don't need to have sex.
And I'll tell you another thing.

  
I'm not going anywhere,
'cause I am not screwing this thing up.

  
Neither am I,
'cause I am in it for the long haul, Jack.

  
- Till death do us part.
- Not unless I kill you first.

  
- It's like she's always there!
- He doesn't do anything all day, okay?

  
- Left, right, up, down!
- It's like he's not even a grownup, okay?

  
- I don't have an ounce of space...
- He does nothing...

  
...for just me! Just me!
...all day long!

  
- And I swear to God...
- I think he's trying to drive me crazy!

  
- The other night, we had this party...
- He peed in the sink!

  
...and everywhere I look...
- I mean, what kind of man animal...

  
...it's just hot tit and ass everywhere!
...pees in the sink?

  
- It's like he doesn't even want...
- It's like she doesn't even want...

  
...this marriage to work!
...this marriage to work!

  
All right. You're arguing.

  
Now that felt like a real married couple.

  
You're making progress.

  
What am I doing here?

  
Oh, we could kidnap her
until after the hearing.

  
- She could stay at my place.
- Oh, my God, I got it!

  
We make it look
like she gave you some kind of disease!

  
I can have a vial of crabs here
in 30 minutes.

  
First, we give them to you,

  
and then, you know,
we get somebody to give them to her

  
so it looks like she gave them to you.

  
You really hadn't thought
that one through, had you?

  
I'll give her the crabs, easily.

  
- No more ideas from you.
- Oh, I've got it! It's perfect!

  
This is great!

  
Like that!

  
- What are you doing?
- What?

  
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Relax, relax, relax. Relax!

  
Stay with me on this one.

  
Huh?

  
God damn it! No, you don't get it!
Dude, you don't get it!

  
Jack, what happened to your face?

  
- I fell.
- You fell?

  
Yeah.

  
I hit my head on a doorknob.

  
A few times.

  
I fall a lot these days. I'm just...

  
I'm so clumsy.

  
Jack, are you sure
that's what happened to you?

  
Sure someone else didn't do this to you?

  
I deserve it.

  
I'm supposed...

  
I'm supposed to line up the hand towels
just so, and I didn't...

  
I didn't do it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

  
Then she said,
"You put that toilet seat down,

  
"or I will put you down!"

  
"I'll stick your head in there
and I will make it stay!" Oh, God!

  
...look real, but don't, like...
- All right.

  
- Oh, God!
- What?

  
He's gotta make it look real
so it seems like she was beating you!

  
Not that real!

  
- Yeah!
- That sucker's gonna show, dude!

  
Hey, come on. Come on.

  
Can we get back to therapy now?

  
Yes.

  
Yes, we can.

  
Hi, you've reached the happy couple.

  
We can't come to the phone right now

  
because we're busy loving each other.

  
And making our marriage work.

  
- Leave a message!
- Leave a message!

  
Hi. This is Annette calling

  
from Dr. Twitchell's office.

  
Hello.

  
- Yes, Mrs. Fuller?
- Yes.

  
The doctor needed
to cancel today's session,

  
and she was wondering
if you could do Friday?

  
Do you have anything
after 3:00 p.m., possibly?

  
- The doctor can do 4:00.
- Oh, perfect.

  
- That works for me.
- We'll see you then.

  
- Great, see you then.
- Thanks so much.

  
- She totally bought it.
- Beautiful. Beautiful.

  
- Beautiful.
- You owe me.

  
Come on with your come on
You don't fight fair

  
That's okay, see if I care

  
Blah, blah, blah, blah...

  
Hit me with your best shot

  
Fire away

  
Hello?

  
Jack?

  
Taxi!

  
Come on, man! Hey!

  
- Hey, hey, hey!
- Wait a minute.

  
Oh, come on!

  
Twitchell... Twitchell...

  
Dr. Twitchell speaking.

  
- Yes, hi, this is Joy Fuller.
- Mrs. Fuller.

  
Yes. I got a phone call from Annette

  
saying that our session
was canceled today.

  
- I just wanted to double-check that.
- Your session is definitely still on.

  
And any absence
is considered contempt of court.

  
It is?

  
Asshole! Trying to get me
to miss therapy!

  
75th and Riverside, and step on it!

  
Okay.

  
- What?
- Hey!

  
Good luck paying for that cab
without your wallet.

  
Only five dollars?

  
You stole my wallet?

  
Lost your wallet, huh? Get out.

  
Come on. What do you want?
We can work something out here.

  
- Show me your breasts.
- What?

  
You'd be surprised how often it happens.

  
- Okay, one breast. That's all you get.
- All right.

  
- Nothing like a nice boob.
- What is your problem?

  
What? I like breasts. Sue me.

  
Is there any way around this?

  
Does it look
like there is a way around this?

  
Go!

  
so 1, 2, 3, take my hand and come with me

  
Because you look so fine
And I really wanna make you mine

  
- How many for 10 of these?
- Ten for $2.

  
- Okay. Here, take five.
- Okay.

  
Now you don't need that money
when you look like that, do ya honey

  
I know we
ain't got much to say

  
Before I let you get away, yeah!

  
There's Brooklyn.
Very exciting. Everyone, back on the bus!

  
What a day, huh?

  
Is this seat taken?

  
Pardon. Excuse me. Sorry.

  
- You are so immature!
- Please, woman!

  
Go away!

  
- That really hurt!
- Oh, no! You're hurting me!

  
And here we are,
Central Park.

  
Yes, isn't it beautiful?

  
Half an hour, people. That's 30 minutes
for those on the metric system.

  
I'll take that! You mind?

  
- What?
- Thank you!

  
Hey!

  
Well I could see
you home with me

  
But you were with another man, yeah!

  
I know we
ain't got much to say

  
Idiot!

  
Before I let you get away, yeah!

  
I said are you gonna be my girl?

  
No, you're wrong.
You can't remember anything.

  
You're remembering
your first date with somebody else!

  
No! It was not our first date!

  
You keep thinking that. You always did.
You are demented!

  
It was not!
- It was!

  
Your memory...

  
Mine?
You can't remember the date!

  
Yes, it's your...

  
Hi, honey! Welcome home!

  
Mom! Dad!

  
What are you doing here?

  
Well, I got a message from your parents,

  
and I thought I'd surprise you
and invite them over for dinner.

  
You know that I've never
been invited over here?

  
No! Really?

  
Why didn't you tell us
you got married?

  
I know you're still mad at me
about the firing,

  
but you get married and you don't tell us?

  
That is very, very hurtful.

  
- Especially...
- Dad, I...

  
Especially when it's a catch like Joy here.

  
- What?
- Well...

  
We're so proud of you, Jack!

  
We didn't think you'd ever settle down.

  
But then we met this wonderful girl.
You couldn't have done better!

  
We are very proud of you, Son.

  
- Okay. Love biscuit?
- Yes, tinkle monkey?

  
Can I speak to you for one second?

  
Of course!

  
He probably just wants
to give me a big smooch.

  
We haven't seen each other all day!

  
My God!
How weird is it going to be in court

  
when your parents are
character witnesses for me?

  
Well, obviously, you haven't
told them everything.

  
No, I was waiting for you to do that.

  
What if we didn't?

  
What would it take for you to just
keep this our little secret for a little bit?

  
I want the bathroom door back.

  
And I want the toilet seat left the F down.

  
No.

  
- One time up...
- I got it.

  
...and I make the call.

  
- Done.
- Okay.

  
Well, Jack, Sr., you know, it is just so nice

  
to finally meet the man
who has taught Jack everything he knows.

  
- I tried.
- Well, something must've stuck.

  
Do you know he made this bar
we're sitting at?

  
Isn't it beautiful? I mean, look.

  
Dovetail's off on the corner.

  
It's off!

  
Well, I think it's great.

  
I actually think that Jack
could sell his furniture.

  
I don't know.
That would require actually finishing it.

  
Maybe you should try telling Jack
you don't want him to finish it,

  
then maybe he would actually do it.

  
What are you doing on Saturday?

  
You've got to come to Uncle Pat's
birthday in the park with us.

  
I would love to.

  
She went after my family!

  
Dude, you're letting this chick
get in your head.

  
Yeah, I know.

  
Now I'm going to figure out
how to get into hers.

  
You should never let a chick
get in your head.

  
That's why I prefer
not to even talk to my dates.

  
Yes!

  
Why didn't I think of this before?
If she's going to play dirty, so am I.

  
- Hi.
- Hey. Jameson, on the rocks.

  
- You're Mason, right?
- Yeah.

  
I'm Jack Fuller. I'm a friend of Joy's.

  
- Joy's?
- Yeah.

  
I just wanted to give you this back.

  
She threw it in the trash.

  
But, you know, guy code, I couldn't just
let it end up in the trash.

  
I mean, you spent, what, like,
five, six thousand on this thing.

  
Actually, thirty grand.

  
I got it.

  
All right. Well, thanks.

  
Okay.

  
Hey, how's she doing?

  
You know, she's good.

  
She's probably put on some weight,
though, right?

  
From all the emotional eating
due to the break-up?

  
You really lived up to the billing.
You know that?

  
Joy told me
what an impressive guy you are.

  
Oh! Yeah.

  
She said she was trying to be
so perfect, because

  
deep down, she never really felt
like she was good enough to be with you.

  
But those insecurities are long gone now.

  
She's really come into her own.
She's on fire!

  
I'll tell you what, she not gonna be
on the open market for very long.

  
- It's a feeding frenzy out there!
- A feeding frenzy, huh? Yeah.

  
Well, I gotta get going.

  
My Uncle Pat is having a birthday party
tomorrow in Grove Park.

  
Joy and I are going.

  
Anyway, I gotta go pick up the present
she got for him. Bag of weed!

  
- Her idea!
- Really?

  
- She's on fire!
- Wow.

  
On fire.

  
Well, thanks again.

  
Stripper! Hiya!

  
- I so want to junkpunch that guy.
- What's with you and junkpunching?

  
- Joy?
- Hi!

  
I'm so glad you could make it.
Hey, sweetie.

  
- Hi! This is my girlfriend, Tipper.
- Hi, Tipper. Judy.

  
- Thanks for calling.
- Where's Jack?

  
He's over there,
coaching the Little League.

  
Do you know what it's like
to fall on the floor?

  
And cry your guts out till you got no more

  
Come on, sweetheart.
I want my new daughter-in-law

  
- to meet the whole family.
- Smile!

  
One, two, three,

  
- Rockets!
- Rockets!

  
Who wants sugar? Let's go!

  
What is this, like a five-foot hoagie?

  
- Hi!
- Hi.

  
This is my niece, and BFF,
the great Sammy Sosa.

  
Sammy, this is your Aunt Joy.

  
- Nice to meet you, Sammy.
- Hi, Joy.

  
I didn't know you coached Little League.

  
Oh, there's a lot of things you don't know
about me. Isn't that right?

  
Jack wore a little fedora
and a leather jacket to school

  
every day for six months.

  
Who wouldn't want to be Indiana Jones?

  
I agree completely. I mean,

  
Raiders of the Lost Ark may be
the greatest movie ever made.

  
- I don't think I like what's going on here.
- What, are we bonding now?

  
She doesn't seem so bad, Uncle Jack.

  
I think you guys should just
split the money and stay married.

  
Make a hundred pretty babies.

  
You told her?

  
Yeah, I don't have secrets from Sammy.
I tell her everything.

  
Hey man now you're really living

  
Well I just saw the sun rise over the hill
Never used to give me much of a thrill

  
But hey man now you're really living

  
Well, ladies, I believe
this is where we go our separate ways.

  
Thank you.

  
People sing

  
Do you know what it's like
to fall on the floor?

  
And cry your guts out till you got no more

  
Hey man now you're really living

  
Joy!

  
Mason.

  
- What are you doing here?
- I was just visiting some friends.

  
- In Brooklyn?
- Well, yeah. Yeah.

  
Brooklyn. The B.K. Love it here.

  
Yeah, they're artists. Yeah.

  
Hey, you want to go grab a glass of vino?
Maybe chat up for a bit?

  
I can't right now. Sorry.

  
- Okay, all right. Well, maybe next week.
- I have my retreat.

  
Wow!

  
You seem fine.

  
No, I mean, you look great.
Doesn't she look great? You look great.

  
- Thanks.
- Yeah.

  
I... Yeah.

  
- I gotta go.
- Yeah, me, too. Me, too.

  
- All right, well, maybe some other time.
- Yeah.

  
Good seeing you.
Good bumping into you like that. Weird.

  
Take care.

  
- Oh, my God. You're falling for her.
- What?

  
- You're falling for your wife! You idiot!
- What are you talking about?

  
- She's a wily temptress.
- "A wily temptress."

  
- Yes!
- You just said "wily temptress."

  
Yes, I did, because that is what she is.

  
And what do wily temptresses do, Jack?

  
They tempt in a wily fashion.
And then they play you.

  
Tempt, play, tempt, play.
And she's playing you, my friend.

  
Don't let her play you
out of what is rightfully yours.

  
Keep your eyes on the prize, Jack!
Eyes on the prize.

  
Hey, McNally.
What'd you do, take the weekend off?

  
- Oh...
- Have fun?

  
No, I remember when I didn't care
about my career, either.

  
I'm sorry, I just had this thing
this weekend with my husband's family...

  
Your husband? You got married?

  
Well, thanks for the invite.
I didn't even know you had a boyfriend.

  
Yeah, no, I'm married.
I didn't tell you that?

  
No, you didn't.
I guess you're not a big sharer.

  
Now, listen, Joy,
I've been in this business for a long time.

  
And the thing that I value most
in my employees is honesty.

  
So I'm gonna be honest with you.
Right now, you and Chong are tied.

  
Now, Chonger is bringing her husband
to the retreat.

  
- I think you should bring yours, too.
- He will be there.

  
- You can count on it, sir.
- Good.

  
So let me get this straight.

  
She asked you
to come to a retreat for her job.

  
Yeah.

  
The most important thing
to her in the world.

  
Do you believe that? I was like, "No!"

  
'Cause I'm like... I'm like,
"Hey, what are you still doing here?"

  
Jack! You have got
to get your ass down there,

  
pretend to be the perfect husband,
charm them all, and then,

  
when you have them eating
out of the palm of your hand,

  
you make her sign this.

  
- What's this?
- This is a document, okay,

  
relinquishing all the rights to the money.

  
Right? You tell her if she doesn't sign it,
you're gonna out her in front of everybody.

  
Yeah.

  
I mean, that's not, you know...

  
It's not pretty, but we can...

  
I can laminate it.

  
- I don't know.
- Okay, look, Jack, the hearing's in a week.

  
Okay? This is our last shot.

  
- Hey, McNally.
- Mr. Banger.

  
So, where's this husband of yours?

  
I just met Chonger's husband.
He's a very smart guy.

  
He's a tool, but he's smart.

  
He's...

  
So the spaceman says,
"I don't even have a vagina!"

  
He's there!

  
I'll just take this to him.

  
Mr. Banger, I just wanted
to take this moment

  
to express to you my gratitude.

  
I'll be seeing you at the...

  
The dining table.

  
- Hey, hey!
- Hey.

  
I'm so glad to see you.

  
Muffin, I've been looking
everywhere for you.

  
This is why everyone
should have their wife on LoJack.

  
Let me introduce you to my friends.
This is David Young, your CFO.

  
Mr. Young. An honor. Hi.

  
And this is the rest of your board, actually.

  
Great people. Wealthy people.
Sit down, sit down, sit down.

  
So you're the lucky guy.

  
- Hi. Jack Fuller.
- I'm Richard Banger.

  
You're in my seat.

  
Wait, your name is Richard Banger?

  
Your name is Dick Banger.

  
Dick Banger! Dick Banger?

  
You, sir, have just provided us with jokes
for the whole weekend!

  
Well, you must be Jack... off!

  
Jack-Off! Give it to me, baby!

  
- Jack-Off, buddy!
- He has a comeback!

  
McNally, where have you
been hiding this guy?

  
You know, I've just been
keeping him all to myself!

  
Well, you gotta learn how to share.

  
All right, everybody, let's sit down.
Brainiac, Chonger, move over.

  
"Jack-Off." How about it? Oh, boy.

  
I don't know what made you change
your mind, and I don't need to. I just...

  
Thank you.

  
- "Jack-Off." I love that.
- Yeah, I do, too.

  
I love that, that you said that.
Because it was...

  
For a moment there, I...

  
I'm so sorry.

  
Joy, come on over! Joy!

  
I'm on it!

  
- Yeah!
- I'm on it.

  
Yeah! Yeah!

  
One looks for happiness
One longs to find a partner

  
One knows that nowadays
One love will be the answer

  
One sees a crazy world
One needs a fresh perspective

  
- Hey.
- So what's up? She sign it yet?

  
No, not yet.

  
You better not
be pussying out on me!

  
Don't get your panties in a bunch.
I'm just waiting for her to get down here.

  
Got to warm
these people up, you know?

  
All right, well, call me
when it's done, okay?

  
I'm holding down the fort in the meantime.

  
- Yeah. All right.
- Bye.

  
Lavender.

  
You get on my head.

  
Oh, my God. That is slick.
That is something else.

  
- Can you believe this?
- No.

  
I guess I was wrong.
You do clean up pretty well.

  
What?

  
No, you just... You...

  
I like your hair like that.

  
Thanks.

  
Can I get two shots?

  
You know what? Make it three.

  
Hello, McNally.
Jack-Off, how are you doing?

  
- Hey, Mr. Banger.
- How are you?

  
Good.

  
Cheers.

  
"Hello, my name is Joy's Bitch."

  
How's it going tonight?
You guys having fun?

  
That's a good one, McNally.
I had no idea you were so much fun.

  
She's very serious at work.

  
You don't know her that well.
This one's a wildcat.

  
- I wouldn't lie to you, Big Dick.
- Well, if you did, I'd have to kill you.

  
- Seriously.
- There's nothing this woman loves

  
- more than a good dare.
- Really?

  
Yeah. You ever see what she can do
with a champagne bottle?

  
- Unbelievable. Shocking.
- No, it's just... It's a party trick. It's not...

  
I dare you.

  
- I hate you.
- You love me.

  
Very good! Very good!

  
Terrific! You know,
had I seen this side of you before,

  
I probably would have promoted you
a long time ago.

  
Get down on it

  
- That's a lot.
- Your turn.

  
You know what? You shouldn't do that.

  
You've got this, okay?

  
Throw the dice.

  
You've got this.

  
- We need what, a seven?
- A seven!

  
- Okay.
- Throw a seven!

  
Seven.

  
Oh, my God!

  
- Thank you. Thank you.
- You're welcome.

  
We're done. Can we quit?
Can we quit? We're... Okay.

  
Throw it in there.

  
Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen,
would you please gather round?

  
Come on. Don't be afraid.
This year's Golden Handshake Award

  
for best team spirit goes to a new face,

  
and one of the funniest son of a bitches
I've ever had the pleasure to know.

  
And I think you know
who I'm talking about.

  
- Jack-Off! Jack-Off! Jack-Off!
- Jack-Off! Jack-Off! Jack-Off!

  
Get up here! Come on!

  
Congratulations, Jack-Off.

  
Well, thank you all
for an amazing weekend. I...

  
I have to thank my wife, Joy.

  
she probably never told you all
the story about how we met.

  
It might come as a surprise
to many of you

  
that we didn't know each other
for very long before we got hitched.

  
What can I say? You know?
When you know, you know.

  
On our wedding night, we were so busy
running back to the honeymoon suite

  
that we never really got a chance
to have a first dance.

  
so...

  
Ladies and gentlemen,

  
for the first time,
Mr. and Mrs. Jack Fuller!

  
First, when there's nothing

  
but a slow glowing dream

  
That your fear seems to hide...

  
You hear that?

  
- They're clinking.
- Yeah. They are clinking.

  
I think that means they want us to kiss.

  
Well, if that's what the crowd wants...

  
Yeah, but if you're not up for it,
you don't have to. It's fine.

  
In a world made of steel

  
Made of stone

  
Well, I hear the music

  
Close my eyes, feel the rhythm

  
Wrap around

  
Take a hold of my heart

  
What a feeling!

  
Being's believing

  
I can't have it all
Now I'm dancing for my life

  
Take your passion

  
And make it happen

  
All right, look.

  
When's the last time
you were, like, really happy?

  
- Really happy?
- And don't say Vegas,

  
because if you do, I'll just... I'll have to cry.

  
Okay.

  
There was this one day,

  
before the Exchange, before Mason.

  
I was feeling really adventurous,
so I took the ferry

  
- about 30 miles east of the city.
- Mmm-hmm.

  
There was this great lighthouse.

  
I mean, it was just right on the beach,
off the boardwalk.

  
- You went there by yourself?
- Yeah.

  
You know, I just, like, sat on the beach,

  
listened to the waves,
watched the sunset.

  
God! I had no concerns, you know?
I had, like, no responsibilities,

  
no job stressing me out.

  
I had no one to please but myself.

  
- That's that photo you have.
- Yeah.

  
That was a great day.

  
I did take myself out of the game.

  
If you stop betting,

  
you never have to lose.

  
I'd bet on you, Jack.

  
So, long day, huh?

  
Yeah.

  
So, we should probably get to bed.

  
Yep.

  
Can you undo my zipper?

  
- It gets stuck.
- Yeah! Yeah.

  
Absolutely.

  
All right.

  
All right. Okay. There it is.

  
Thanks.

  
Hey, I... These...

  
- I wasn't in your things.
- It's okay. Just leave them right there.

  
I can put them back.

  
Good night, Mr. Fuller.

  
Good night, Mrs. Fuller.

  
It's all right

  
It's all right

  
Everything's all right

  
It's all right

  
Everything's all right

  
It's okay

  
Okay, I'm on my way. I know.

  
It's almost over.
I'm about to be a free woman.

  
- Joy. Joy!
- What?

  
I have to go.

  
- Mason?
- Yeah.

  
I can't talk right now. I'm sorry.
I have to get going. I just...

  
I want you back, Joy.

  
- What?
- I made a huge mistake letting you go.

  
I see that now.

  
Seeing you the other day,
you had this glow about you.

  
Not that you didn't before, it's just...

  
Sometimes it takes losing something

  
for you to realize what you had.

  
I want to make up
for the wrong I did to you.

  
This is yours.

  
I gave it to you, and I want you to have it.

  
- Where did you get this?
- And Joy,

  
you are good enough for me.

  
I mean that!

  
Court is called to order.

  
Well, lookie here, lookie here!
The happy couple!

  
Six months down the road.
Did you learn anything?

  
We'll see.

  
Now, Dr. Twitchell, in your opinion,
did the couple,

  
Jack Fuller and Joy McNally,

  
obey the court order
to live together as man and wife,

  
and do you believe they put
sufficient effort into the marriage?

  
These two have

  
a lot of issues.

  
A lot of deeply unsettling issues

  
that, as individuals,
they seriously need to work on.

  
Seriously.

  
But together, in my honest opinion,

  
they're perfect for each other.

  
It's the real thing.

  
Go figure.

  
Well, thank you, Doctor.
You may step down.

  
Tipper!

  
Hi, Your Honor.

  
Have you lost weight?

  
Gotcha. Let's begin.

  
Although Ms. McNally ran up $25,in credit card debt in my client's name,

  
my client recently spent the same amount

  
for materials
for his new furniture business.

  
Therefore, we propose
the following settlement, Your Honor.

  
The original $3 million,
deduct half for taxes

  
and $50,000 that's already been spent,

  
that leaves $1.45 million to be divided...

  
equally.

  
Now that's the spirit!
You've learned to share! Do you accept?

  
No, Your Honor, we do not.

  
Gold-digging whore.

  
My client has advised me that
she doesn't want any of the money.

  
She just wants a divorce.

  
Miss McNally, are you sure?

  
Yes, Your Honor, I am.

  
Well, then I hereby grant the divorce
and award all the monies to Mr. Fuller.

  
Court adjourned.

  
You win, Jack.

  
I officially want nothing from you.

  
Oh, my God.

  
I won a case! Jesus Christ!

  
Dude, we won!

  
I won!

  
Yeah! I'm the law, bitches!

  
I'm a lawyer!

  
To me!

  
Anybody need a lawyer?

  
And tonight I have to leave it

  
Time heals all wounds.

  
Now that you guys are officially done,
I was hoping to maybe get her number.

  
Yes, tonight I have to leave it

  
Don't you come up to me
and say you like it

  
Yeah, okay.

  
You don't have to answer that right now.

  
Hey, I have a question.

  
How much does an island cost?

  
And tonight I have to leave it

  
Yes, tonight I have to leave it

  
Now we come to the final item
on our agenda.

  
Congratulations, McNally.

  
Thank you, sir. I won't let you down.

  
Okay, I think I'm gonna have to
let you down.

  
Why don't you just give it to Chong,
you know?

  
She's good, she deserves it,

  
and besides,
I think she just enjoys being miserable.

  
- Yes!
- You sure you know what you're doing?

  
No, I don't. But I think that's the point.

  
I would rather do nothing and be happy

  
than do something that I don't love.

  
Well, I lost her at happy.

  
I don't know what the hell
she was trying to say anyway.

  
Well done, Chonger. The job is yours.

  
Thank you.

  
So! Jack made a piece of furniture.

  
He finished it.

  
Okay. Go ahead, Dad.
What's wrong with it?

  
Nothing. It's good.

  
It's really good. I'm proud of you.

  
- Thank you.
- But...

  
Here we go.

  
...you royally screwed up
when it comes to that girl.

  
It was a big, stupid mistake. Okay?
The entire marriage was a lie!

  
The marriage might have been a mistake,
but it was not a lie.

  
And I think that anybody
who has spent time with you two recently

  
could tell you that.

  
So why don't you get your head
out of your ass

  
and go do something about it?

  
Or should I tell you not to,
and then maybe you will?

  
- She's gone, man.
- Gone? What do you mean, gone?

  
She, like, lost it. She quit her job,
shut off her phone. She took off.

  
Look, I don't really care much for you,

  
and I want to cut your friend Hater.
Seriously.

  
But for some reason,

  
you're, like, the only man
that Joy can actually be herself with,

  
so I wanna tell you where she is,
I really do. I just don't know.

  
- What do you know?
- I don't know. If you were miserable

  
and you wanted to get happy again,
where would you go?

  
What?

  
Thank you.

  
Okay, tell you what. We both go.

  
That way, when she sees us both,

  
she can make up her mind
on who she wants to be with.

  
I've loaned you my band saw,
I've loaned you my beer tap.

  
Do you even know
how to drive an automatic?

  
The keys. Give me the keys.

  
Here. Sorry.

  
Go get your future ex-ex-wife.

  
What a waste of time
The thought crossed my mind

  
But I never missed a beat

  
Can't explain the who or what I was

  
Trying to believe

  
What would you do?

  
What would you do?
Do you know?

  
I once had a grip on everything

  
It feels better to let go

  
I'm not over

  
I'm not over you just yet

  
Cannot hide it

  
You're not that easy to forget

  
I'm not over

  
I'm not over

  
You found me.

  
You left this behind,

  
and I wanted to bring it back to you.

  
Do you know how many lighthouses
there are 30 miles east of the city?

  
- How many?
- Five.

  
- Really?
- Yeah, just in case you're wondering.

  
So.

  
Did you come all the way out here
just to give this back to me?

  
I did. So I'm going to get out of here.

  
All right. Here it is.

  
When we were married, I was horrible.

  
Sick. Just wrong.

  
And it's the best time I've ever had.

  
You bet on me, Joy,

  
and you made me want to bet on myself.

  
So don't think about anyone else

  
and just answer this for you.

  
Do you want to be married to me?

  
Again?

  
You know,

  
for so long, I've just...
I've tried to please everybody.

  
And by not trying to please you,

  
I think I became myself again.

  
I do

  
want to be married to you again.

  
I quit my job.

  
I heard.

  
I have absolutely no idea
what I'm going to do. No clue.

  
Well, it's a good thing that I have...
That we have a ton of money.

  
Oh, my God!

  
That's right. We hit the jackpot.

  
Yeah, I did.

  
Now, Joy, do you take this young man

  
to be your lawfully wedded husband,
in sickness and in health...

  
Uh-huh.

  
...for richer or for poorer...

  
I do. I take him.

  
Naughty! Naughty!

  
Jack, would you put the ring
upon her finger?

  
- Was that the one?
- That was it! Oh, my God!

  
You may kiss the bride.

  
This is the greatest day of my life!

  
- This is the greatest day of my...
- What? What?

  
Oh, my...

  
This is marvelous, simply marvelous.

  
- Bye! Thank you!
- Bye-bye.

  
Have fun, you guys!

  
It's so much fun in there!
You guys are gonna love it!

  
- Woman!
- Holy shit.

  
- Woman!
- I'm coming!

  
Hey!

  
PLAYING)

  
No one here likes you
Go away get a clue

  
Go back to your... zoo

  
And now we're standing face to face

  
Isn't this world a crazy place

  
Why?

  
You know why!

  
You know why!

  
No one here likes you
Go away, get a clue

  
Go back to your... zoo
or whatever it is you do

  
I don't know why
I don't like what's in your eyes

  
And I'd love to split them wide

  
I could pretend

  
Can't you understand
I hate you my friend

  
some call it an obsession

  
And some call it a good hate

  
And I'll just call it pathetic

  
But some totally relate

  
I'd rather go to hell
than shake your hand or wish you well

  
In case you couldn't tell

  
Go ahead, boy, drink your drink
Go ahead, boy, do your thing

  
Can you learn the words
to every song I sing

  
I could pretend

  
Can't you understand
I hate you my friend

  
some call it an obsession

  
And some call it a good hate

  
And I'll just call it pathetic

  
But some totally relate

  
No one here likes you
Go away, get a clue

  
Go back to your... zoo
or whatever it is you do

  
I could pretend

  
Can't you understand
I hate you my friend

  
I hate you my friend

  
I hate you my friend

  
What are you doing later? You know,
there's a meteor shower tonight.

  
You know what?

  
Jack was our glue.

  
I feel like the fact that he's gone
makes us a little closer.

  
No, it makes us a little bit just...

  
The opposite of that.

  
You like
to party?



Special thanks to SergeiK.