What Planet Are You From
Script - Dialogue Transcript
Voila! Finally, the What Planet Are You From
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Garry Shandling and
Annette Bening movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of What Planet Are You From. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
At the far reaches of the universe...
... Iies a planet of men who have advanced technologically...
...beyond the realm of human comprehension.
There is no breeding. They are a product of cloning...
...and their reproductive organs have shrunk and disappeared.
All emotions have been bred out of this race...
...and each succeeding generation...
...has become more ambitious and driven than the previous one.
They want to rule the universe...
...and now they are planning their next takeover from the inside.
This planet is four solar systems from our own.
Across the Sea of Vell, at a fixed position of - - ...
...on the subset grid - .
It is a solid, rigid mass...
...with a dense core of magnetic, metallic liquid.
The atmosphere is composed of nitrogen, oxygen and argon...
...in amounts of and percent by volume.
This is our target.
This is Earth.
This is where one of you will serve your planet...
...to the act of procreation.
Your training will be extensive.
The Earth woman's reproductive organs are located here.
The access point is here.
Insertion in any other access point will not result in pregnancy.
To get the woman in a receptive mood for insertion...
... compliment her on these areas.
She will also enjoy being told...
... that she smells nice and that her footwear is stylish.
You will spend many hours in study...
...trying to learn all you can about the females of this planet.
It is important to a woman that she feels you are listening when she speaks.
This is most easily achieved...
...by repeating the phrase, "uh-huh, " when the woman is communicating.
I went to the store this morning.
On the way, the car started making a funny noise, so I pulled over.
Then I couldn't hear it, so I started driving again.
Then it was fine.
You will familiarize yourself with her predilections, her customs...
...her ranges of temperament.
Her smiles, her frowns. Her ups and her downs.
-Your footwear is quite fashionable. -Thank you.
May I insert my penis in you?
Ten seconds. This time is your personal best.
You all have performed admirably...
...and your concentration has been exemplary...
...but one man has been chosen.
This man has excelled in his training...
...and we are confident that women of Earth will be both interested in...
...and willing to experience insertion with him.
...is H- - .
Congratulations, H- - .
Or, as you'll now be referred to, Harold Anderson...
...from Seattle, Washington.
We've given you a wealth of information about Earth...
...but her people are unpredictable.
As with all alien cultures, there will be subtleties...
...which we couldn't prepare you for.
However, given your adaptability and your capacity for learning...
...we're certain you'll achieve your goal with ease.
The success of our planet's domination of the universe rests in your hands.
Thank you, sir.
If you go with these men, we'll arrange your transfer...
...and attach your penis.
We will begin our descent into the Phoenix area in about minutes.
Flight crew will be by shortly to pick up all food and beverage items.
Thank you once again for flying Arizona West.
What is that?
There. Inbound at our : .
-It's moving. -Tell me where to go.
Landing hydraulics okay. Wing and tail hydraulics okay.
-We're losing altitude. -Air speed is dropping.
What the hell is this?
Collision alert. Collision alert.
It's on us!
Simple people. They're years behind us.
They haven't figured out that round is the most efficient way to fly.
This will be a snap.
-Remember, get a woman pregnant. -Give me two days.
Wait for the baby and then come back.
Whatever you do, don't let anyone know the truth.
We don't want another Roswell on our hands.
That happened because you made the mistake of sending H- -J.
That guy was an idiot and not as handsome as me.
-Hey there. Hey, I like your shoes. -What?
Let me give you a hand.
Take your seat and fasten your seat belt.
I always wanted my children to have a mother named Rebecca. Interested?
Are you all right?
Well, to be honest, I am a little lightheaded from that perfume.
You smell nice.
Sir, if you don't take your seat, I'll report you when we land.
Ouch. Kitty likes to scratch.
Anyone sitting here?
Well, there is now. Hi.
-You're shaking. -I thought we'd crash.
I like it when a woman shakes. Turns me on.
-I like your shoes. -Thank you.
-And you smell nice. -Thank you.
Going to Phoenix on business or pleasure?
I'm going to see my husband.
He's a pharmacist. He works in the pharmaceutical industry.
We had a fight before this flight.
You shouldn't fly without saying "Sorry" or " I love you."
If I'd died, he'd still think I was pissed off.
Hey, watch the cart, man!
Do you want me to get you a copy of the FAA rules and regulations, asswipe?
I do my job, then you do yours. Stay out of my way!
They'll give anybody a fucking badge.
-Hello, Mr. Jones. -What we got?
It could be bad air, but judging from what I've heard from the crew...
...it sounds a little out of the ordinary.
-How long you been with the department? -Three months.
I'll do you a favour. It's never out of the ordinary.
It's either a flock of geese, a weather balloon...
...or if it's Friday, the crew is drunk.
Nadine, what'd I say about using this number?
I said never to call this number unless the house is on fire...
...and I don't hear a siren, so this better be good.
Yeah, I know today's our anniversary. What makes you think I forgot?
How do you know I'm not coming home with a bunch of flowers or something?
How do you know that?
Nadine, don't cry.
A passenger shot some video when the incident took place.
You might want to look at it.
Get a list of passengers and crew. Check the cabin, write your report.
And if you see anything at all interesting, just remember:
Well, Christmas is early this year.
You guys twins?
Can you contribute to the mission?
What can I get for bucks, gorgeous?
What's that noise?
I don't hear anything.
It's coming from your pants.
There's something else that comes out of my pants. Want to see?
Keep the change.
-Can I have your autograph? -What?
-You are Miss America, aren't you? -Yeah.
Who are you? Mr. Universe?
Hey, where you headed?
The Windy City. So what time's your flight?
I don't know what you're doing until then...
...but there's a Hilton across the street.
I don't know if they have a -minute rate or not, but...
...maybe we could--
-I know who you are. -You do?
I know where you're from too.
New guy from Seattle. Commercial and home loans.
-How did you know? -My gut.
Perry Gordon. Commercial and home loans too.
Nice to meet you. Harold Anderson.
Word is, you're some big banking kahuna from up north.
Your letters of recommendation were unbelievable.
They're not that great.
They were. I snuck into Mr. Fisk's office, read every single one.
-Who's that? -That's Rita.
Office manager. I got her a job.
Smartest thing I ever did.
-Is she-- -Too late. All mine.
She's a noisy one too. Thank God we work in a bank.
Close the vault door, nobody hears a thing.
She have a friend?
Don't know. When you want to hit the nightspots, call me.
Thanks. Great. How about now?
-You're kidding, right? -No.
It's a.m. You haven't met the boss yet.
-You got some balls on you. -I sure do.
Two of them, below my penis.
I've gotta have sex right away.
I'm really, really horny.
-I'm getting that. -Anderson?
I've been waiting for you. Don Fisk. Come on in.
Good morning, Mr. Fisk.
--as long as the contractionary British fiscal policy continues.
I can see we don't need any time to get acclimated.
That's Rita, the office manager. She's mine.
We go to Scottsdale every weekend. I have a condo up there.
You're free to use it anytime.
-Rita? -The condo.
-Thanks. -You know...
...l have never seen such a stack of glowing recommendations.
If I didn't know better, I'd think you wrote them yourself.
A vice president's job is opening up. I assume you're interested.
No, not necessarily.
Come on. It's okay to be ambitious. You're only human.
Think it over. In the meantime...
-...welcome aboard. -Thanks.
We got a wonderful family of people here. Top-quality people.
Except for Perry. He's a sneaky prick.
Always looking for pussy, never doing his job.
-I can't stand that. -That is good to know.
Neglected? Nadine, how can you feel neglected?
We never do anything?
What about that trip to New Orleans? Wasn't that a good time?
I don't care if it was four years ago. I asked if it was a good time.
Just don't get all pissy, will you?
I can't even ask you a question. Could you hold?
Can you hold, please? Thank you.
No, that's closed. Pacific East flight .
Yeah, it was the hydraulics.
Arizona West flight . I was just getting through that stuff. Hold on.
I'll have to call you back. Let me call you back.
What the hell?
You like? This is the best titty bar in Phoenix.
How many are there?
This one, and there might be one other, but it sucks.
You come here a lot?
Once, twice a year.
-Hi, Perry. -Hey, Cheryl.
-Grab me a beer. -Sure. What would you like?
Someone just like you.
I'm your cowboy, baby.
Great, but that noise is getting louder.
-Are you sure? -It's rush hour.
Come on. Make me feel like a man.
Hold on, mister. Time to put on your party clothes.
My boss has one in Scottsdale. He said I can use it.
Great. Put it on.
But I don't want anything between us.
Just unroll it.
What the hell was that?
How'd it go with Cheryl?
I rushed her to the hospital. She got some glass in her eye.
Yeah, that happens.
Where we going tonight?
I'll take you to a great place. I'm taking you where I met Rita.
I'm Doreen. I'm an alcoholic.
And today marks my th day of sobriety.
Thanks. Thank you very much.
And I celebrated by calling my parents...
...to tell them about my engagement to Janice.
Dykes. Made popular on television, now they're everywhere.
Is there anyone else who'd like to share?
Hello. Get the bread, I see something tasty.
Hi, this is the first time I've actually gotten up to speak, so I'm--
Your name. Start with your name.
Thanks. Of course. I'm sorry. I'm Susan.
Anyway, I'm an alcoholic.
I've been sober a couple of months now.
Thanks. That's okay.
My father was an abusive alcoholic.
And I guess maybe I'm lucky that he left when I was .
But my stepfather was an alcoholic. And so was my second stepfather.
Anyway, I have a history of picking the wrong men.
Big surprise, right?
The thing is, I never knew I had a drinking problem...
...because ever since high school, I've only dated musicians.
They always said I was a lot of fun.
-I like what I hear. -But all that's changed.
I bottomed out.
I was having fun in...
...l don't even remember what city.
When I woke up, I didn't know where I was...
...how I got there, or who the guy was that I was with.
And I thought I should know at least one of those things.
So I came here.
I stopped putting myself in situations where I couldn't respect myself...
...so others didn't respect me.
She wants respect. Cuts me out.
Anyway, I took my first step today.
I bought a new car...
...and it'll be great to get up in the morning and remember where I parked it.
Would anyone else like to share?
It's dead tonight. Not a weeper in the joint.
Usually one or two gals get all weepy after the meeting.
Then you clean up. You go over, offer them a tissue. Bang, you're in.
Yank a nose hair right before you go.
They see the tears, think you're a kindred spirit. You are in huge.
Look. Wish me luck.
I did so much blow once, I didn't sleep for three weeks.
I lost pounds. The good thing? I've been able to keep it off.
Remember me from the aeroplane?
Oh, yeah, of course. You hit me really hard.
What are you doing here?
I have a slight problem. You know how it is with airlines.
You're at feet with all those tiny bottles.
-It's really not my fault. -Sure.
You hit my car. My new car.
-I don't believe it. -What happened?
Don't get excited. First, this isn't new. This is a ' .
-I know a guy with one. -It's new to me!
Look at it.
I guess we both have to drive more carefully.
I was parked, asshole.
I don't see a lot of damage, so I'm gonna run.
Right, I got the cracked taillight, dented fender package.
I want to see your driver's license, registration and insurance.
-Can't we settle this without insurance? -No.
If you try to worm your way out of this...
...l will cut your heart out with my hood ornament.
Have we dated?
I'm not very good in bed.
No, no. You're great.
No. My boyfriend once said it was like trying to start a dead car.
You've got to uncross your legs.
I told you I'm not very good in bed. I'm sorry.
What is that humming sound?
It's the tendons in your legs vibrating.
Oh, you know what? Can you--?
I was just thinking about you too, Steve.
We don't want to lose our momentum.
I miss you too.
Is she there?
Ready for more?
I can't do this.
I'm in love with a married pilot from Dallas, our hub.
You know who I feel really sorry for? His wife.
-He's off cheating on her. -With you?
What'd I do? I'm crazy about you.
-Get out! -You smell nice.
I almost opened up to you.
Are those your shoes? Those are beautiful shoes.
You're in a hurry. Aren't you gonna eat?
Gotta get to the office.
-You mean you have to get to her. -What?
-You're having an affair. -What's wrong with you?
All you talk about is how work bores you.
Now you're rushing to get to your job? What's her name?
It's not an affair.
It's that Pamela person.
I've seen the way she looks at you. The woman is a slut.
She's in a wheelchair.
Don't think she doesn't play that for all it's worth.
You want to know what's going on? You want to know the truth?
I deserve that much.
This is classified, so it's just between you and me.
A couple days ago, on an Arizona West flight, there was an incident.
The crew almost lost control.
One of the passengers was shooting video.
Something made contact with that plane.
The thing is, I don't have an answer for it.
For the first time in years, I don't know what happened.
There's something about that.
About the not knowing.
Look. I'm getting goose bumps just thinking about it.
It's what I've been waiting for. Now it's finally come.
-Understand? -Does she have bigger tits than me?
I'll figure this out.
I'll take that as a yes.
I'll be late.
Can I help you?
I'm looking for Perry.
You know Perry?
Yeah, but not too well. I'm his wife.
Well, Perry's a very lucky man, if I may say.
Helen. He's probably in the vault.
Excuse me. I'm looking for Perry Gordon.
Is it okay if I wait in his office?
-That'll be fine. -Thank you.
Were you at the AA meeting last night?
Yes. I saw you there. Your speech was very good.
Thanks. Do you work here?
Commercial and home loans. Not too exciting. Just a normal guy.
Nothing's wrong with normal. Do you know where Perry is?
You know Perry?
Well, no. He backed into my car last night.
I've got an estimate. Could you give this to him?
-You have beautiful handwriting. -That's the mechanic.
This part here where you signed your name? Lovely.
How long you been in the program?
I'm not involved in the program. Perry just took me there.
He's in the program?
Not that I know of. This would make fantastic dinner conversation.
-Busy tonight? -Why were you there?
Checking it out. Have you had a chance to think about dinner?
Oh, God. I get it.
You go to AA meetings to pick up women. That's sick.
How can you take advantage of people?
Perry took me. I had no idea. How's ?
Excuse me. May l?
Here's the estimate, okay?
I hope next time you take a pathetic little jaunt to AA...
...you drive more carefully.
-What's she talking about? -I'm as confused as you are.
Oh, come on.
I just put everything I had into this car.
If you don't want to go through your insurance, write a check. I'll wait.
That's where you were last night?
That's what you didn't want to tell me. You were at an AA meeting?
Now you know. I hope you're happy.
You'll get your check.
Why couldn't you tell me?
I wasn't sure I was strong enough to stay committed to the program...
...and I didn't want to disappoint you if I dropped out.
Baby, I had no idea.
It's been tough, but, thank God, so far so good.
It's a brave thing you're doing. I can't believe it.
One day at a time, sugar.
I'll walk you out.
I love you so much. I'll do everything in my power...
...to make sure you never take another drink for the rest of your life.
That was his wife.
He's married and he's going to AA meetings to pick up women?
What a humongous sleazebag. You married?
Nope. So I guess we're on for dinner?
Nice meeting you.
What planet are you from?
What do you mean?
You want to go out with me, I say no, you're like, okay, and that's that.
Put a little effort into it.
You asking me out?
No, I'm not asking you out. If I was asking a man out, he'd know it.
You know, I have a feeling that you're not what you appear to be.
You smell nice.
Thanks. Something new. Just bought it today.
God. Why was it never this complicated before?
Because before, by now I'd be drunk and in bed with the guy.
How's : ?
Damn it. Fine. Anything. .
Tell me something about yourself.
My name is Harold Anderson. I work in a bank.
I never met a man that talks less about himself.
Where were you born?
My turn to ask a question. What do you do for a living?
I worked in a guitar shop for a long time.
When I got sober, I realized I had to get out.
Too many negative influences.
Well, musicians, for one.
There was a sign over the door saying: " Come in, pick up a guitar...
...and play the beginning of 'Stairway to Heaven' as badly as you can."
I was close to going postal.
So what are you doing now?
Well, don't laugh, but I'm working as a real-estate agent.
My friend has an office. She helped me study for my license.
So now I'm out there trying to sell houses.
How's it going?
I guess it's okay.
But I'm six weeks into it and find out you don't get paid...
...until you sell something, which is like, "Oh, great."
So what is your mission?
-I'm sorry? -Your mission in life.
My mission is to get to know myself...
...so that I can end up focusing less on myself and more on others. I think.
I believe I was put here on Earth to have a child.
I've never heard a man say that.
I would love to have kids. I just hope I'm ready.
We transfer our dysfunction onto our kids.
I don't want to be guilty of that. I've already fucked up my dog.
I want to have a child. That's all I want.
What's that noise?
Cheap sound system.
I don't trust you.
All men are the same.
They say whatever they have to, to get into your pants.
That's terrible. But what would it be?
The thing I'd have to say to get into your pants?
It's a little messy.
How long you been working on it?
Just a couple of months, but I can already tell I'm never gonna stop.
One day I'm happy. The breakfast nook should be yellow, bright and sunny.
Next minute, I'm down. I repaint it blue.
It was black a couple days ago.
A black breakfast nook?
Doesn't work. Trust me.
Why don't you take that arch thing out altogether?
The whole thing?
I have a feeling that what's out there is more interesting anyway.
What are these?
Part of this whole changing thing that I'm doing.
I'm supposed to turn myself over to a higher power.
My only problem is, I'm having trouble choosing one...
...so I'm just covering my ass.
God, or whatever you want to call it.
I'm looking into each one until I find one that connects with me.
-How will you know? -I'll just know.
Well, I'll feel something, I guess.
This one looks very old.
Actually, it's not old. I got this on QVC.
You don't care about this. You're just tricking me.
There's no way to prove that a God exists.
-So? -So then why look?
-That's not the point. -Then what is the point?
Oh, God. I knew it.
I knew this normal guy, normal life thing had a big catch.
Harold, please. Harold. I have to stop.
No, I can't do this.
Part of this whole thing about me changing my life...
...and living by a different set of rules is--
You'll laugh, but I decided I won't have sex until I'm married.
You see, I am finally free not to have to have sex.
Do you have any water? Never mind. I'll help myself.
Thanks for coming.
Have you gotten a woman pregnant yet?
I'm close, but there are variables I'm not prepared for.
Yes. But she wants to get married.
billion females, and you pick one that wants to get married.
-Yes. -That is bad luck.
-What should I do? -Marry her.
I'm not trained for marriage. Perry says it's hell.
-Who's Perry? -This guy at work.
He didn't think Susan was hot.
Who's Susan? Why is she hot? ls she on fire?
Susan is the woman.
Earth probes are at Jupiter. In three generations, they'll know about us.
Our takeover must be complete by then.
Marry her, impregnate her, and don't call me again.
The more we make contact, the greater risk of discovery.
Thanks a lot.
Notice anything unusual about the jolt that hit the plane?
Well, it wasn't like anything I've ever experienced.
Did you see anything fly by the aircraft around the time of the jolt?
No, I was busy trying to keep things calm in the cabin.
A lot of panic?
You can imagine.
Except for one jerk.
He started hitting on me right after. He acted like nothing even happened.
Tell me about the guy that hit on you.
Darn it. I knew I shouldn't have said anything.
Okay, I went out with a passenger. I'm guilty.
We're not supposed to date passengers, but I met him after, at a function.
We went to my place, but nothing happened.
So you first noticed him after the jolt?
Yes, he was very obnoxious.
What was he like before the jolt?
I don't remember seeing him before the jolt.
Did you notice anything peculiar or unusual about him?
Until we got to my place. Then there was something odd.
Again, nothing happened, but while we were fooling around...
...there was this strange humming sound coming from his pants.
From the front or the back?
From the crotch area.
Do you remember his name?
There was no Harold Anderson on that flight.
Oh, my God.
We have a problem funding your loan. We checked...
...and it turns out there's five frozen yogurt places within a one-mile radius.
-Hey, stranger. -Hey, it's you!
I'm thinking about opening an account here.
Yeah, I don't have a lot of money. I have $ . .
I'd like to put some of it into a T-bill, some into stocks...
...and the rest I'd just like to save for a rainy day.
Would you think about marrying me?
All right. I deserved that.
I'm serious. I thought about what you said the other night.
Everything I said was such a turnoff.
I went completely overboard. It was typical Susan.
You know what?
There was some of that.
Susan.... What is your last name?
...would you do me the honour of marrying me?
I want to marry you.
I could court you for six months or a year...
...and we could get to know each other, then break up...
...or we could do something that I think we both want now...
...and that's have a child.
Wow! And I just came in to ask you to lunch.
-You really mean this? -Yes.
Can I think about it?
If you think you have to.
This room will be perfect for the baby.
Oh, you have a baby.
We're having one in about six months.
Congratulations. That's wonderful.
I'm sure they'll accept our offer. You'll be very happy here.
Thanks. You've been great.
We'll talk to you soon.
-What? -Just fuck her right in front of me.
You're never getting pregnant again. Never.
Come on. You're off the booze. You're off the musicians...
...and now you want to get married?
And to a man you barely know?
Don't make me put together an intervention.
This is Susan's life. It's not our place to pass judgment.
If she wants to get married and make an idiot of herself, it's her choice.
-Is that the waiter? -No, that's a gay guy without a jacket.
-Why is marriage a bad choice? -Please!
She doesn't even know the man.
There's something to be said for jumping off the end of the diving board.
Life is short.
Until you marry the wrong guy. Then it gets pretty long.
I am almost dehydrated.
What do you want to do, Susan?
I'll tell you what she's thinking:
Being single is great. But she goes onto the street...
...or into people's homes and sees babies everywhere.
They're taking over.
I thought that, then I'd look at those little shits...
...and get angry because it looks like they're taunting you, saying:
"Why don't you have one of me yet? Why are you a loser?"
-You don't like my baby? -Your baby's adorable.
When her head gets normal, she'll be gorgeous.
-Her head is normal! -I'm kidding!
I want to find out more about this guy. Is he rich?
-You can't ask that. -Why not?
Because she doesn't know, okay?
How can you have a child with a man you don't even know?!
Excuse me. You were artificially inseminated.
Yes, I was, but I knew the technician longer than she's known this guy!
I'm out of time.
Do you have to go?
...l'm running out of time.
I think that would be great. I'm looking forward to it.
Hold on. Someone's on the other line.
Hi, Harold. It's me.
The answer is yes.
I will marry you.
Hold on a second.
Debbie, I won't be able to go rollerblading this weekend.
I'm getting married. Bye.
I'm back, Mrs. Anderson.
I like the sound of that.
-You don't mind? -No. Is this everything?
This is all my work. If my clients call, you have their information.
-I didn't even know you were doing her. -I'm not.
You're marrying a woman you've never had sex with?
Didn't you see The Crying Game?
You think she's got the goods, lift up her skirt, it's Oscar Mayer time.
-Is this your third-quarter report? -Fisk won't need this till I get back.
-Damn it! -What?
Let's go. What am I talking about here? I'm such a downer.
Imagine not banging your wife until you're married. How romantic.
Everything will work out fine.
Not that that's ever happened. I'm kidding. Congratulations.
-Thanks again for doing this. -Go get her, tiger.
I promise to respect you, even if I don't always understand you.
I will honour you and take care of you...
...and though it's not politically correct...
...l will obey you as long as your request is reasonable.
I will be mother to your children...
...and love you until death do us part.
No, your vows are next.
This is where they all get nervous.
Susan, I'm so happy we're getting married.
You know what they say. Sometimes less is more.
Harold and Susan, by the powers granted to me by the state of Nevada...
...l now pronounce you husband and wife.
You can kiss the bride.
Stop. I never thought I'd say this, but I can't take any more.
-A few more times. -No.
-Where'd you learn that? -What?
I've had so many orgasms, some are still stacked up waiting to land.
-Aren't you tired? -Tired of waiting.
Come on. Let's get it on.
I still wish we'd been married in a church with a lot of people.
I always dreamed of a wedding like that.
I thought we'd take a helicopter trip over Hoover Dam or something.
-When we could be making love? -I need a break.
We've been screwing for hours nonstop.
-We've had room service. -We did it while I ate.
If I'd known that'd happen, I wouldn't have ordered soup.
I heard this happens after you marry. The woman loses interest in sex.
I love sex with you...
...but I want to do something that involves, I don't know, standing.
Let's do some goofy tourist thing.
So back to the room, then?
-I am very impressed with this work. -Thank you.
It looks like you've done Anderson's work as well.
This third-quarter report is brilliant. I didn't know you had it in you.
Now you do, and I hope you keep that in mind...
...when you pick a new vice president for this bank.
I admit that Harold had the inside track--
I don't know if I trust Anderson.
It's strange, but what kind of guy marries a chick after one date?
I smell some weird cult thing.
I have no facts at all to back that up...
...but if they show up dead with friends, then we'll know for sure.
I'm sure he's not--
Not to tell tales, but he is lazy, except for when you're around.
The rest of the time he talks about his time in prison.
-Wasn't supposed to say that. -I'm back.
Hey, buddy. How was the honeymoon?
How was Vegas? Never mind. How many times you bang the wifey?
Come on, how many?
times in a week?
Harold, there's a Mr. Roland Jones here to see you.
I thought you said he was lazy.
-Hi. Harold Anderson. -Roland Jones.
-Have a seat. -Thank you.
I won't take up much time. I'm with the Federal Aviation Authority.
Don't tell me the government needs a loan.
That's another story.
Maybe you can help me out here.
You were on an Arizona West flight from Seattle a few weeks ago, weren't you?
I'd have to check my day planner. I do a lot of flying.
Let me remind you of the flight. The plane experienced severe turbulence.
It frightened a lot of the passengers.
I don't remember it being scary. I remember a small bump and then--
Was there something mechanically wrong with the plane?
Do you still have your ticket?
I wish I did. I throw all that stuff out.
-You don't save it for the records? -Don't keep records.
Don't tell my boss.
I could win a Pulitzer in fiction for some of my expense reports.
I won't waste any more of your time.
A little light reading.
Have you seen this month's issue of Playboy?
Check out this month's Playmate.
Tell me if you think those babies are real.
I think those are real.
I'll be in touch.
Where are the pictures?
-Pictures? -Of the honeymoon.
As a friend, you're obligated to bore me with your pictures.
I don't have any.
You didn't take pictures?
I took some, but I wanted to fill the roll before I had it processed.
You took less than one roll of pictures?
What is that?
I guess she was kept busy doing other things.
You could say that.
It was pretty great.
I'll bet, I'll bet.
There's just one thing.
Yes, there's always "one thing."
I don't know how serious this is or if I should be worried, but....
How should I put this?
When he's aroused, his penis vibrates.
Hey, "two-two-two mints in one."
Wait. What do you mean, it vibrates?
"Vibrates" is not really the word. It's more like....
-There's a humming sound. -Humming.
I was with a black guy whose penis whistled when he got excited.
-Stop! -Yes! I'm not kidding!
What did it whistle?
The score from Guys and Dolls. It just whistled.
-You would ask that. -I thought I was making tea.
I love it. I love it.
Hi, honey! You're home.
You remember the girls.
I guess you don't like my friends.
Why do you say that?
You barely acknowledged them. What's the problem?
I don't know. They're your friends.
I had a bad day at work.
You want to talk about it?
Have you taken the pregnancy test?
No, but I will in a few days. You're not looking at me when I talk to you.
You're looking at me, but you're not really looking.
I'm looking right at you and listening, I swear.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's probably not you. It's probably me.
Can we just try to have a conversation?
Turn that thing off.
You should pee on it again.
-You pee on it. I'm done. -I just want to know for sure.
I feel like I'd be worth nothing to you if I couldn't conceive.
What if I can't have a baby? Did you think about that?
I led a pretty wild life. All that sex and drinking. Maybe I can't conceive.
-How much sex and drinking? -That's not the point.
You brought it up. How would we know for sure?
I don't know. I'd have to have an exam.
Then let's call and schedule something.
I have to talk to you.
You said you wanted to talk.
I changed my mind.
What are you thinking?
What are you thinking right now?
I don't remember.
It's not like the world will stop spinning if I can't have a child.
There's such a thing as adoption.
That's a viable alternative.
What are you thinking now?
That you're telling me you can't have a baby.
Is that all you're thinking?
Let me think.
I want to have a child.
I'm as into having a child as you are.
I'm getting this vibe from you, this vibe that says...
...l'm holding out on you, or I don't want it as much as you do.
Whether I can have a child or if I can't...
...there has to be more to this relationship.
Like maybe some communication.
And a little feeling, which is not what I'm getting.
I suggest you start opening up and stop pressuring me about the baby.
Because at this point, I'm ready to buy a baby and shove it up your ass.
This might be a good time...
...to sit next to me and try to comfort me.
You might want to consider putting your arm around me.
Maybe you should try to put some feeling into it.
Not that kind of feeling!
At times like this, I feel like I don't know you.
You don't. Maybe that's why you're having that feeling.
You don't really know me. You don't.
I don't know what to say.
Why don't you try talking to me like a human being?
I have to take a little walk. I'll be right back.
Why are you drinking?
When we met, she liked that I didn't talk about myself.
Now she wants to know everything I'm thinking!
-Who? -Susan! It's a living hell!
Perry at work turned in my third-quarter report...
...and claimed the work was his. What if he gets that promotion?
I'm this close to taking off the penis and coming home!
You will not. Your penis is staying right where it is.
-How's it working? -It's a major pain in the ass.
-They installed it too far back? -No, it hums.
We'll work on it. You're here to make adjustments.
She thinks she might not be able to have a baby.
What will I do if she can't?
I've got million men waiting for you to succeed.
If this woman can't have a baby, find one who can.
All right, I'll cheat on my wife.
I don't know what that means. I want you to complete your mission.
Fine. I'll get someone else pregnant.
And I'll get on your penis right away.
Could you say that a little louder?
Just put it in triplicate, give it to-- Wait, hang on.
Hang on! Hello?
Randy, just talk. I can hear you.
Arizona West ?
The same kind of jolt?
How many jolts were there?
Listen to me! Do you have a passenger list there?
Is there a Harold Anderson onboard?
What a coincidence.
I'm an alien from another planet.
Yeah. Somewhere way the hell out there.
How come you don't have a head like a pear with the big eyes?
You know, there's a lot of aliens. We're not the only ones.
Those big-head guys scare me. I wouldn't want to bump into one.
I hear they perform anal probes. How primitive is that technology?
"We came trillion miles to study your ass.
We're proctologists from space."
Could I have another one here?
What's it all about?
Yeah, go ahead and rest.
Yeah. Who's your friend?
My personal shopper. Unfortunately, she only knows how to buy booze.
I think I'll bum one of her cigarettes. Think she'll miss it?
I don't think she'd miss a limb.
So how's work?
Bank stuff. Nothing exciting.
Nothing exciting? I wouldn't say that.
I've loved numbers and math ever since I was a little girl.
I find it fascinating.
You get to deal with all that money all day.
Just thinking about it makes me hot.
You're making a noise.
That's my penis.
Guess it doesn't know the words.
I could teach it a few.
-What's the matter? -Nothing.
Goddamn it, come on!
I'm sorry. I can't do this.
I can do whatever you need. What do you need?
I need to go home.
To your wife?
Don't tell me you feel guilty.
Just when you're found With your chin on the ground
There's a lot to be learned
So look around
Just what makes that little old ant
Think he'll move that rubber tree plant
Anyone knows an ant
Can't move a rubber tree plant
But he's got high hopes
He's got high hopes
He's got high apple pie
In the sky hopes
Congratulations, Dad! We're pregnant!
I don't believe it. I did it!
Now you can't leave me.
-Morning, Melanie. -Morning.
-Jessie, how are the kids? -Great.
Dave, I can tell from the look on your face you got some last night.
Morning, Harold. I heard the good news. Congratulations.
I've thought about that promotion. I hope you haven't made up your mind.
It's between you and Perry. His third-quarter report was a knockout.
-You seen Perry? -He's in the vault.
-Thank you. -You're welcome.
So you see the balance of power changing in the Middle East.
It has to, because a high percentage of lsraelis practice birth control...
... whereas a high percentage of people in Arab nations do not.
I've heard this theory, but it sounds a bit crazy, even paranoid.
Your interpretation of it might be paranoid...
...but the fact is, Arabs are having more children.
In a couple of generations...
... they'll be able to control the voting in lsrael, hence, take over.
So they're getting control from within?
That's the idea.
I think I got it. I think I know why he's here.
What are you doing?
-I'm leaving. -You're leaving?
I found this in your bottom drawer under your winter pants.
That's not for your eyes.
Why do you have a picture of a naked man touching himself...
...in your winter pants drawer?
It's not a man. That's the alien.
Oh, the alien.
I don't know what I'll do if you tell me you're gay.
I'm not gay. I'm tracking an alien. He's here to have sex with our women.
His penis hums.
It sounds like that heater in our timeshare at Deer Valley.
I'm not making this up! I'll prove everything!
Oh, my God. You've done it again!
It's always like this. You get obsessed with things.
Anything to avoid intimacy!
You lost your first wife to golf, your second because of other women!
You were one of them.
Golf I can understand. Women I can understand.
But this? Aliens having sex with people?
How does that make me feel?
Tell me you're having an affair with a beautiful stripper instead of a man...
...so I can at least look at myself in the mirror!
Baby, I swear I'm not.
This is not what I want my life to be.
I think Helen's having an affair.
What makes you think that?
I found a belt in my bedroom that wasn't mine.
-Sure it's not yours? -Positive. It was Armani.
Only queers wear Armani. I think he did her in the shower.
-The curtain was ripped. -Maybe she slipped.
Fisk walked into the vault yesterday.
Two seconds earlier, he would've caught me and Rita.
Did you tell Fisk I was in the vault?
-You fucking my wife? -No. And no!
Why would I do that? To get even with you for giving Fisk my report?
Where does that come from?
What did I do to deserve that...
...other than extend the hand of friendship?
-After everything I've done for you? -What have you done for me?
What have I done? What have I done for you?
Did I not take you to the place where you met your wife?
-Sorry. -It's okay.
Jeez, just try to relax! You are wound as tight as a drum!
Do us both a favour, okay?
I'll be in the vault. If you see Fisk, cover for me.
Not you, sir.
They try the reverse to Specca.
Has some running room.
Cuts it back inside, but the pursuit will catch up.
That's Tim Schaefer, the cornerback, chasing him out of bounds.
-You want to go fool around? -Fourth quarter.
Is there something wrong?
I hope I'm not going to say this.
You're more distant since I got pregnant. Or is it my hormones?
-I think it's your hormones. -I don't think so.
-What are you talking about? -You haven't touched me in weeks.
-Turning that off? -I'm turning the sound up.
Maybe I haven't touched you as much...
...but that's no reason to destroy the remote. Come on.
Where are you going?
To buy a new remote, or we'll have to keep getting up.
Excuse me. We have plans. Or have you forgotten?
-We have plans? -Yes.
I was thinking about looking at cribs for the baby.
-You didn't tell me that. -I'm telling you now.
Don't let me hold you up. Go get your precious remote.
We won't worry about the crib.
The baby can sleep in a drawer for the first year of its life. Just go.
-What are you doing? -You said go.
It's a universal remote.
It comes with codes for every TV and VCR.
You punch in the code for your equipment and you're in business.
-Yes. Modern technology. -You said it.
-What do you think of "Aaron"? -Who's Aaron?
No, for the baby if it's a boy.
You said you were six weeks pregnant?
Who are you calling?
Tom, could you come in here?
I'm sure it's nothing to be alarmed about. Have you had pain...
...or any other out-of-the-ordinary symptoms?
No, not a single problem. Not even morning sickness.
Look at this.
Looks like a perfectly formed -month-old fetus.
She's at six weeks.
He said it was healthy. That's the important thing.
-Did you see rosemary's Baby? -Rosemary who?
-No, it's-- -You need to rest. Just sit down.
-Thanks. -No problem.
-Thanks. -There you go.
Thank you all so much.
-Congratulations. -Thank you, Hank.
You're late. It's : .
I'll let it slide, as it's my first day as vice president.
-You got the promotion? -And you didn't.
There's always five years from now. Champagne?
Harold, don't take it so hard.
-Do I smell tears? -What is your fucking problem?
You stole my report.
You have sex with a coworker during office hours.
You got the promotion, which means you're blowing the boss.
I've met some pathetic humans in my life, but you take the cake!
Like you're better. I knew it was you who sent Fisk to the vault.
The Armani belt was yours, you prick!
You wouldn't bang other people's wives if your old lady wasn't a drunk!
I don't remember hitting him.
He was talking, and I was feeling l-don't-know-what...
...because he got the promotion and he stole my work.
He'll make more money than me, and we have a baby on the way.
I hit him. I don't know who I am anymore.
You're being too hard on yourself. You're just human, that's all.
Shit, I'm bleeding.
No, you're not. You're crying.
-I love the way you look at the stars. -I was just looking.
No, there's something different.
When most people look, they look all over.
You're always focused, like you look at the same one every time.
I feel so much better when I'm with you.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I didn't say it to be nice. It's just a fact.
That's even nicer, I guess.
I'm sorry about that whole thing with the remote.
Are you gonna make love to me?
I believe so.
-I don't know what the problem is. -You have a problem listening to me.
-Stop being so stubborn. -I'm not stubborn.
-Why are you here? -Let's buy this house.
-What? -Why not?
It's a beautiful house. It's perfect for the baby.
-You can't be serious. -I am. I'm dead serious.
We won't need this anymore.
-I don't believe this! -Let's take a look.
This is going to be so great.
Look, our cactus.
-I couldn't even imagine this! -I don't either.
Taking over from the inside through deception and fraud.
I believe in what I'm saying percent.
So this person is here to have sex.
Did they run out of pussy on his planet?
It sounds insane, but I have passenger lists of all flights...
...that experienced the same turbulence.
Harold Anderson was on all these flights.
Explain that, and you won't hear any more from me about this subject.
It's too small. Try raising your hands over your head.
How often do you raise your hands higher than this?
-It's perfect. -No, I'll exchange it.
Your turn. I got you a present.
This is the one I wanted.
This one's for the baby, but maybe you can both squeeze into it.
I'm being ripped apart!
It's okay. Hang on.
Stop driving so fast.
-I thought you wanted me to hurry. -I do, but slow down!
-Is this pain normal? -Yes.
This pain is normal. That's a good sign.
Shut up, asshole!
-They're not home. -The Andersons?
They're at the hospital having their baby.
I love babies.
Shit. Which hospital?
She told me a couple of weeks ago.
-It's a woman's name. -Think.
No, wait. That's my name.
It was St. Agatha's.
Give us another push, Susan.
Why are so many people here?
Considering the unusual nature of your pregnancy...
...l thought we should have specialists on hand.
-Should that make me feel better? -BP's dropping.
We'll have to do a C-section.
-God help me. -Hold it!
I see the head.
Keep pushing, Susan. Give me some pushes.
-What's happening? -One second.
All right, suction here, please.
-Oh, God, I can't hear my baby. -I can't see anything.
This is the strangest, most incredible....
Mr. and Mrs. Anderson...
...say hello to your completely healthy, new baby boy.
Don't tell anyone about this three-month pregnancy.
Everyone will want one.
We had him. We made this. This is us!
It's a miracle.
I can't wait to see him again.
You were so cute in the delivery room.
I'll always remember your face when they handed him to you.
I want you to remember that.
Harold, what is it?
I have to leave.
Leave the hospital?
When will you be back?
I'm not coming back.
I don't want to go. I have to.
You're not coming back?
No. Maybe I should've just left.
This seems worse.
-Can I help you? -Harold Anderson?
His wife is having a baby.
They're in the maternity wing, in the delivery room.
You can't go in there, sir! Sir, you are not allowed in there!
Get out. Get the hell away from me.
I don't believe it. I did it again!
I did it again!
I know you're angry.
You coward! Two minutes with your child and you're scared shitless.
Get him out! Get him out of here!
-I need to talk to Harold Anderson. -Is he in the military?
-Where is he? -Wife's here. He's gone.
-Can I talk to her? -Not a good time.
If you find him, give him a kick in the pants.
Soon as the baby's born, he leaves his wife.
What kind of person is that?
He's going back. I know where he is.
Excuse me, chief. Merry Christmas.
I'm looking for a passenger. Harold Anderson, usual spelling.
We're just about to push away.
So they gave her a C-section.
Dr. Weitzman, we've got a problem.
-What is it? -It's about the Anderson baby.
The captain has turned off the "fasten seat belt" sign.
For your safety and the safety of those around you...
... we suggest you remain seated with your seat belt fastened.
Thank you and enjoy your flight.
Excuse me. I need to get by.
Why is it you pack what you need where you can't get it?
Why are the aisles so narrow?
Do I look like fucking Andy Rooney? Get out of the way!
Watch your back. Coming through.
Watch your back. Excuse me. Coming through.
No, no, I'm okay. I don't need anything.
Just a mild sedative.
It'll help keep you calm while you recuperate.
I know you've had some bad news, and believe me, I hate to give you more.
We believe that your husband has taken the baby.
We've contacted the authorities.
-You're just taking your sabbatical. -That will bring you to retirement.
So I'm fired.
No, you're taking a sabbatical, and then you're retiring.
I saw him walk into the lavatory. When I opened the door, he was gone.
Are you aware of what you're saying?
Just enjoy your time off.
I have to go buy a remote control for the TV set.
Don't let me stop you. Have a wonderful time.
I want to shop for baby clothes, but we won't worry about that.
The baby can go naked the first year of its life. Go.
So I go?
No, you don't go. See, that's the interesting thing.
But she told me to go.
There's a whole layer here you're missing.
Now you know what I had to deal with. Take your seat.
This isn't easy, so don't beat yourself up over it.
What does that mean?
Just sit down.
...reprogrammed the computer to more accurately represent...
...what you'll deal with on Earth.
If you look for an overriding logic or rationality...
...remember it's Earth we're dealing with.
-I guess you don't like my friends. -I like them.
You barely acknowledged them. What's wrong with you?
If you don't talk, how will I know what's wrong?
You gotta open up. You gotta communica--
I guess you don't like my friends.
You barely acknowledged them. What's wrong with you?
If you don't talk, how will I know what's wrong?
I mean, you've gotta com--
It goes on and on like that for hours.
Human relationships are filled with conflict.
The whole planet is filled with conflict, which isn't a bad thing.
Through conflict we learn about ourselves.
I don't understand this.
I see some confused faces.
...on our planet, we have no emotion or conflicts...
...so we've never had to look inward at ourselves.
That helped us become a technological, intellectual force in the universe...
...but I really think it's a dead end.
To be honest with you, I question why we're taking over Earth.
Why make them like us, when in fact we can learn from them?
And they can remind us of who we were before--
Why does Graydon want to see me?
If you don't talk to me, I won't know what's wrong.
Hey, my baby! That's my baby.
Wait a minute. What's my baby doing here? Stop.
Wait a minute. Stop!
You can't pollute the others.
-Why's my son here? -You're raising your voice.
You bet I am. You never told me you'd take the baby.
Did you tell anyone who you were and why you were there?
-A woman in a bar. -We took care of her.
Anyone else? Anyone you told will be disposed of.
Why are we taking over Earth? How much do we need?
Is that what it's about? More?
I'm sending you to the purification centre.
Take him. I don't want him to remember his time there or the baby.
Get out of my way!
Get back! Put your weapons down.
Put your weapons down. You're scaring the baby.
See? See what you did? I told you you were scaring the baby.
Turn that thing off!
Turn it off? You're the one who got it started. You turn it off.
Turn it off.
This thing will blow. That's what they do.
This is how it starts. It gets worse and worse, and then they explode.
There'll be baby all over the place.
That's my boy.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Just please let me know as soon as you hear anything.
Somebody spotted a man in Michigan.
Matches Harold's description, and he was carrying a baby.
Hi, Liz. Alison.
-He's fine. -You bastard!
Do you have any idea...
...what I've been through in the last two days? Any clue?
I'm sure it's been awful. That's why I brought him back.
How could you take him? How could you do this?
-How, Harold? -I didn't.
-Then who did? -Not me.
Why would I expect you to tell the truth at this point?
How sick am l?
Would you take him?
I'll be right there.
I have to know how you could do this to me.
-How, Harold? -I'll tell you the truth.
-All right. -I will.
I can wait. Go ahead.
I'm an alien from another planet.
I was sent here to impregnate a woman, then go back.
Graydon, the leader, came and took the baby without telling me.
So I stole the baby back.
And now I'm here. Is there any way we can start over?
Is there a history of mental illness in your family?
I care about you.
-Our son should be with his mother. -This is my son.
This is my son. This is not our son.
There's no " us" anymore, so there can't be any "our."
I'm calling the police now.
-I can prove I'm an alien. -Really?
I can make a bright light come out of my nose.
That must be handy when you can't find a flashlight.
I can show you. Or you can take my word for it and trust me.
Trust you? I should trust a man that--
I thought I did everything right this time.
But no, I married an alien from another planet.
I could never give you what you want. I'm not human.
I could never understand what love is.
I hope, as time goes by, you'll be able to forgive me.
Well, well, well, I was right. I wasn't crazy. I was right.
-My wife didn't believe me. -Mine didn't believe me either.
Don't get me started.
What will you do now? Take me in?
To where? My bosses fired me.
I could give a rat's ass about them.
I had to know the truth for me. As a man.
I hear you.
What was the plan? World domination, right?
-Isn't it always? -Tell me about it.
I'm really in Dutch with the wife about this whole deal.
If you show her that nose-light thing, it'd get me out of the doghouse.
-My pleasure. -Great. Let's go.
No one's going anywhere.
-Who's this guy? -This is the leader of my planet.
You've placed us in a very difficult position. Come with me.
I don't know what your thing is with him...
...but he's gotta go see my wife first, okay?
You appear intelligent, but when you open your mouth, the effect is spoiled.
You might want to drop that.
Fool. I have a highly evolved brain that can block intense pain...
...and also heal any injury within a matter of seconds.
You cannot hurt me.
I had a feeling that heal-any-injury thing was bullshit.
-Who's that? -Graydon, the leader of my planet.
-Is he dead? -Yeah. He just killed him.
I have to talk to you about something.
I should probably run along.
I was just wondering if it'd be okay if, you know....
Can I have him?
I don't see why not.
Great. Nice meeting both of you. Take care.
To be clear, this really was the leader of your planet, right?
If it's your insurance agent, I'm in deep shit.
You're okay, man.
I got an alien, I got an alien!
You know what you said about not knowing what love is?
Well, I don't know either.
No, but you married me. We had a child.
You rescued him and brought him back to me...
...and then told me the truth about who you really are.
Maybe that's your way of saying you love me?
I don't know.
Let us celebrate with Susan and Harold...
...as they renew their marriage vows.
Let this also be a time for the rest of us to reflect upon...
...and make a renewed spiritual commitment to our own vows and unions.
Harold and Susan have written their own vows.
Harold, would you like to start?
Susan, when I married you the first time, I did it to get into your pants.
Now I'm doing it because I want to spend my life getting into your pants.
Thank you for marrying me.
And I will do everything possible to make you and our new son...
...Aaron, very happy.
-That was beautiful. -Thank you.
And now you, Susan.
Harold, meeting you taught me the universe is one screwed-up place...
...where everyone's trying to work out their problems.
But I'm honoured to work them out with you, because I think I love you.
And with that, I again pronounce you man and wife.
You may now kiss.
That was great.
-That was the wedding I always wanted. -I know.
What a perfect day.
Your friends seem nice.
I didn't want to bring this up until after the ceremony...
...but they want me to be leader of the planet.
-You're kidding. -No.
-What did you say? -I told them I had to talk to you.
That's quite an honour. I'm proud of you.
Thanks. But it means we'd have to move there.
I could commute, but that's a long commute.
All my friends are here.
Who? Liz and Alison and what's-her-name?
-Why do you have to do that? -Sorry.
I know nothing about your planet. I don't know what the schools are like.
We're years ahead. What do you think they're like?
You're going too fast for the baby.
Don't start. The baby was fine in the transporter chamber.
Four solar systems, I never heard a peep.
Okay, I'll commute.
Oh, Christ! Turn that thing off.