Year One Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Year One script is here for all you fans of the Jack Black and Michael Cera movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Year One quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Year One Script

Did you see it? I think I got it.

That little piggy was fast.

Hey, everybody, this is all of our kill.
We all take credit.

- I got a side ache.
- You hit Enmebaragesi.

I'm pretty sure he had that
when he left the village.

That's not my spear.

My spear has feathers...
Okay, that one's got a feather.

Okay, that is my spear.
I'm sorry, man.

Great. Two spears.
Twice the killing power.

Thanks a lot.
Next time don't block my shot.

What? I didn't say...
Come on, not my fault.

Who stands in front of a boar
on a hunt?

Hey, there you are.

I don't think you wanna be gathered.
You wanna be eaten.

Hi, Marlak.

Well, there won't be any berries
in the fruit salad now, so we all lose.

Hey, Oh. How's it going?

Hunters think they're so cool.
You know, they...

They don't think this is challenging?
Gathering? It's extremely challenging.

You have to find all the fruit with
the least amount of bird shit on it...

...and put it in the basket.

Are they picking on you?

If they're picking on you,
I will straighten them out.

- All right. Yeah, would you?
- You're right.

Let it slide this time.

Next time, though, they will feel the tip
of my short spear.

- What happened to your spear?
- I modified it. Made it a snub nose.

It's lighter. It's a better killing tool.

Oh, there's Maya.
I'm gonna go talk to her.

I'll be right back.
Unless something goes horribly right.

- Hello, Maya.
- Hey, Zed.

What do I gotta do
to make you my woman?

Look, you're a special guy.
You've got a lot of personality.

When my parents
were killed by that pack of wild dogs... really helped me
see the funny side.

"No, no! He's got my ankle!"

"Get off." That's your mom.

So, yeah, you make me laugh,
but that's not enough.

I'm an old-fashioned kind of girl.

I need a man who can protect me
and take care of me.

What do you mean?
Like Marlak?

Well, I mean, he is the best hunter
in the village.

- Debatable.
- People voted.

Maybe I'm not the greatest hunter.

- Or gatherer.
- Yes. Or gatherer.

Zed, those are the only two jobs
that we have here.

I can take care of you.
Does it look like I'm starving?

Come on.
Tell me you can say no to this.

Give it a second. Let it work on you.

Oh, yeah.
Absolutely can say no to that.

Maya. Can I see you later?

I think I have to wash my hair.

You washed your hair last year.

Tonight, we feast.

Maya. For you.

Thanks, Marlak.
Another severed boar's head.

- It's a different color.
- Yeah, this one is...

- Left the tongue in.
- Yeah, this is really nice, Marlak.

Look at Marlak flirting with Maya.
He doesn't know her at all.

Head's not even the best part
of the boar.

It's the back fat, stupid.
Muscleheaded idiot.

Hi, Eema. Hi, Eema. Hi, Eema.

Yeah. She doesn't even know I exist.

There's like 60 people
in the village. I mean... have to go out of your way
to not know that somebody exists.

I just wanna lay with her so badly.

I don't see it. She's cute,
but I don't think I'd lay with her.

She's your sister. I mean,
that'd be like laying with your mother.

Which was a big mistake.
I see that now.

You think it's not gonna be awkward
in the morning, but... Trust me, wow.

Listen, you wanna impress Eema?
Do the fertility dance with her...

Listen, you wanna impress Eema?
Do the fertility dance with her... the feast tonight
then drag her back to your hut.

My hut's a mess right now,
and what if she struggles?

You give her a little tap on the head.
Women respond to that.

I still live with my parents.

I don't wanna keep them up all night
with my raucous lovemaking.

I'd get an earful in the morning.
She only likes hunters.

She doesn't like gatherers.
She's a gatherer herself is the irony.

She's a self-loathing gatherer.

- That's pretty suggestive.
- I wouldn't read too much into that.

Okay, now she's just asking
for some splinters.

Hey, hey... Squanto.
Give me a break, would you?

You got the whole forest.

Why does everybody always have
to take a crap right behind my hut?

I could be wrong, I think what it is
is that all the poop in the area...

...fertilizes the ground and it gives
the leaves a softer feel for wiping.

It's not that nobody respects you.
I haven't heard that from everyone.

I've had it. Let's go.

Where are we going?
We're not supposed to go this far.

I'm sick of the whole village
treating me like a joke.

- You know what I'm gonna do?
- Change villages.

No. I'm gonna change my head.

I don't think that's possible.
Your head is attached to your body.

Not the whole head.
I mean, my mind.


Don't tell me you're thinking
about eating forbidden fruit.

That's exactly what I'm thinking.

Zed, that's the tree of the knowledge
of good and evil.

You don't eat from that one.
It's forbidden.

But why is it forbidden?

What is it they don't want us
to have?

It's not the fruit. It's about the rule.
It's about doing what you're told.

We've been doing what we were told
our entire lives.

- How's that worked out?
- I like doing what I'm told.

It gives my day
some much-needed structure. Wait.

Zed. Stop.
It's just a piece of fruit.

Eating a fruit
is not gonna change your life.

What if it's magic fruit?

What if this makes me the smartest
man the village has ever known?

That's a pretty low bar.

Then all the hunters
would have to bow down to me.

Maya would lay with me like that.

That's what this is about?
Laying with Maya?

I have a great destiny,
I'm about to find out what it is.

Put the fruit down.
What if somebody sees us?

They'll peel our skin off
and tie us to an anthill.

Now you've done it.

It's got sort of a knowledge-y taste.

Does it have a sort of forbidden taste?
That's what it is.

- Oh, I definitely feel something.
- What?

Less hungry, for one,
but also more intelligenter.

It's like
I feel like maybe I know everything.

Ask me something. Anything. Go.
Test me. Go.

All right, where does the sun go
at night?

Pass. Next question.

- Okay, where do babies come from?
- Pass. Next question.

- There's a snake on my foot.
- In the form of a question.

There's a snake on my foot?

- Correct.
- What do I do?

I got a lot of ideas. I'm bursting
with ideas on the subject.

- It's constricting me.
- You could stick your finger in its hole.

You know what, you could eat it
before it eats you. Try that.

Eat the snake first.
That's what my new brain tells me.

- It's preparing to eat me.
- Go for the eyes.

It's big.

Zed, please help me.

I'm dying a virgin.

Wait right here.
I'm gonna go eat more fruit.

- This was a bit of a rough day for me.
- Yeah. There's gotta be more to life.

This is a lot. I don't think I can handle
too much more than this.

No way. Look at these people.

They're like animals.
We're way too good for this.

Now that I'm smarter
I'm going straight to the top.

I'm bringing you.
You're gonna be my right hand.

I've seen what you do
with your right hand. No.

Don't you wonder what's on
the other side of the mountains?

There's nothing on the other side
of the mountains, okay?

The world ends. Everybody
knows that. You'd fall right off of it.

But what if it doesn't?

It makes my stomach go:

I've been thinking a lot
ever since I ate that fruit.

Why is there fruit? What is fruit?

It's a thing that you eat.
Why do we eat?

What are we? What are we?
Why do I have these?

Everything is weird.

When you really stop and look at it,
everything gets very, very strange...

Why am I talking? What is this?

My lips make a movement
and then a sound...

...and you know what I mean.

Blows my mind.

That just sounds like crazy fruit talk.
I don't wanna hear it right now.

Boy, she looks nice tonight.

Do it, man. Dance for her.

I don't know.
They're doing the jackal dance.

It's not my strongest.

What, are you kidding me?
You have an amazing jackal dance.

Go. Jackal dance.

Get into it.

Over the head.

I'm gonna go and eat.
I'm gonna come back.

Your father was a great hunter.
But you, you're like a little girl.

Good one, Marlak.

Enmebaragesi says
he saw you in the garden.

Really? Well, what if I told you
that Enmebaragesi was a liar?

I saw him eat the forbidden fruit.

Oh, that.

- Hey, what's going on here?
- I will kill you where you stand.

Oh, a shooting star. That's the best.

- You really ate the fruit?
- One bite. What's the big deal?

You don't eat the fruit.

It's the number one rule
since the beginning of time.

Since the Great Turtle climbed out
of the sea with Earth on its back.

I know, but I'm a little fuzzy
on the exact details.

Forbidden. Forbidden fruit.

You ate... You did the one thing
you're not supposed to do. Forbidden.

But the word "forbidden" implies
there's a little wiggle room.

There's no wiggle room
with forbidden. You're cursed, man.

If you stay here, we'll all be cursed.
You have to leave.

- Where am I supposed to go?
- I didn't eat the fruit.

My hands are tied.

I know I'm being a dick right now, man,
but I'm just trying to help you.

Do I detect a little bit of jealousy
because I now have...

...the knowledge of good and evil
and you don't?

You think it's easy being the shaman
of the village?

You think I like putting on
a boar's head every morning?

Putting a bone through my face?

I know we've known each other for
a long time. We throw the rock around.

We have fun together, man,
but I can't be...

You know what I mean?

Plus, wanna know something?
I am high as shit right now, dude.

I just licked like three toads.

I've been up for like 27 suns up
and suns downs.

- Okay.
- I just wanna get a meal...

...I wanna take a fucking nap.
- This is bullshit.

You really... You fucked the pooch
on this one.

- Hard.
- I say what I did...

...was a good thing.
- Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Really, really very good thing.

And I should know because I have
the knowledge of good and evil.

- Oh, okay.
- So I ought to know...

...when I know what I'm saying
is what I know what I'm saying.

- Good.
- And I'm not leaving.

You better get out of here.

Okay, but before I go,
I just wanna say one thing.

I know I'm not the greatest hunter.

- Or gatherer.
- Or gatherer. Thank you.

But there's gotta be more to life
than this.

I'm going, but because I choose to.

And anyone who wants to join me
is welcome.

I don't know where we're going,
but I will lead us.

Yeah, light up the darkness.

So who's with me?


Anyone named Oh?

Okay. Looks like
I'm gonna be going it alone.

Which is fine with me.

Better, in fact...

...because having a partner
would just probably slow me down.

I'm gonna start a new tribe,
10 times better.

There's gonna be 10 times
more dancing and fun.

It's gonna be called Muscle Tribe
of Danger and Excellence.

And you're not invited. I don't even like
any of you guys. I never did.

Unless anyone changes their mind.
Does anyone wanna come?

- We're good.
- Fine. Good. Bye-bye.

Don't... Nobody panic.

No! That's... That's...
Oh, it's not my house.

I see you.

Go away, Marlak.

- Really, animal noises?
- Badger.

This is just insulting.
It's time I killed you.

Fine. But then, tell me this:
Who's that behind you?

You think I'm gonna turn around?
I'm gonna gut you like a pig.

Nice whack on the head.
You should try hitting Eema that hard.

We can discuss that later.
We should run away.

Yes, yes, of course.

So you decided to come after all.
Was it the speech?

- It was the fire. I lost everything.
- Yeah.

I wish we didn't have to leave.

Probably never gonna see
Eema again.

That's not true. We'll go back.

Those hunters are idiots.

They're gonna forget the whole thing
in an hour.

Will you get real, man?
There's no going back, okay?

There's nothing to go back to.
It's just ashes.

Like it's hard to build
one of those huts.

It's just a pile of sticks and dung.

Well, you're a pile of sticks
and dung.

Well, you're a pile of sticks
and dung.

- I'm sorry, l...
- It's okay.

- I don't mean that, obviously.
- I know you're mad...

...but this is a great
opportunity for us.

They didn't appreciate you
back there.

You're the genius who thought up
drinking water from a gourd.

They were all drinking from their

Well, it just seems practical.
I mean, I don't know.

We have an incredible destiny.

You don't even know where we are.
We're lost.

Of course I know where we are.

It's a cougar.
Don't move a muscle.

- What do we do?
- Don't move your lips.

Rule number one: Show no fear.

You're showing fear.

Much better. Very good.

- Now what?
- There's two opinions on this one.

Some say run,
others say stay perfectly still.

- Which one are you gonna do?
- I'm going to run!

You should put some maggots
on those scratches.

They look pretty deep.

They are very deep.
That's why they appear that way.

- You're still mad at me, aren't you?
- I wish I hadn't come.

Maybe you shouldn't have come...

...if you're gonna keep whining
about every little cougar...

...that attacks you.

Oh, what does this look like?

You making your own fire?

No, I'm making arrows.
We're gonna need them.

- You still coming?
- Yeah.


Yeah. You're my buddy. Yeah.

You're saying we're gonna walk...

...and eventually we're gonna get
to a spot where the world ends...

...and it's like... What is it?
What are we looking at?

First of all, why are you talking to me
in that tone like I'm an idiot?

This is general knowledge.

- I knew it!
- This is incredible.

You still think the world just ends?

Come on, admit it. The fruit man
has the knowledge.

Whoa, whoa, be careful.

Did you learn a lot when you ate
the fruit?

Yeah. I can see, like, 10 minutes
into the future now.

- So what am I doing in ten minutes?
- You're having sex with a zebra.

- That's not funny.
- I'm not joking.

Hope you're ready to bone some zeeb.

People. More than one.

Walking that way.

You think? There's about
a thousand footprints there.

- I mean, it's kind of obvious.
- Oh, yes.

- They stopped here to poop. Look.
- No, I don't want to.

Two men, maybe three. A child.
Or a small woman, maybe.

What are you doing?
You don't know where that's been.

- I know where it's been.
- Don't touch it.

You don't know if a squirrel
has peed on it.

Still warm.
Almost hot in the center.

Looks like they had some nuts.
Apples, maybe.

What are you doing?

- Yep, apples.
- What difference does it make?

That doesn't help us to know that.

You can tell if they ate some shit.
There's a lot of shit in that shit.

My mistake, this is bear poop.

What's that, though?

This one's mine.

Tonight, we feast.

We're gonna need
some arrowheads.

This is where you die!

Easy, easy.

He won't get far.

- Did you shoot my cow?
- Oh, no.

Yes. Well, we're hunters.

Well, he's a hunter. I'm a maker.

- A maker?
- I made this loincloth. I make arrows.

I've made a shelf unit for my hut.

I welcome us to you.

- What do you do?
- What does it look like?

- We're farmers.
- Well, he's a farmer, I'm a herdsman.

You're a suck is what you are.

- My brother Cain. I'm called Abel.
- You are called "suck."

There you go with that "suck."
What does that mean?

Short for "suckle."
Short for "suckle up."

You're suckling up to God.
You're a suckle-up.

Somebody's upset because God
looked on my sacrifice with favor.

"God looked upon my sacrifice
with favor." I mean...

- Is he a total suck or what?
- Hard to say. We just met.

- Is he a total suck or what?
- Hard to say. We just met.

Why are you bringing these guys
in it?

- They live in a tree.
- Oh, see?

I mean, come on. You just gotta be
so superior to everyone else.

No, but superior to... Than you.

Superior... Let's see how superior
you are when I kick your ass.

- Oh, yeah?
- You want some of that?

- Yes, I do.
- Guys.

- I'm right here. I'm right here.
- No, come on.

No. This smug asshole insulted you,
and I want him to take it back.

- We're not that insulted.
- Why don't you make me?

No, no. Boys, boys.
You are brothers. Let's just relax...

...and let's all just get
some perspective...

Yeah. Yeah. That's how we do it.
That's how we do it. That's...

- There are rules that we abide by.
- Yeah, right.

- Should we do something?
- Just let them settle it.

I tripped.

Well, I guess that settles it.

- What?
- Nothing.

It's... He's all right.
He's just... He's resting.

Well, he's tuckered out
from the fight.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's... You know what?

Let's cover him up with a little dirt
and some straw... keep him warm
until he wakes up and...

Hey. Abel, what are you doing
with my foot? Playing possum?

Hey. Oh, hey, stop it.
He's choking me.

Stop it, Abel. Are you trying
to choke me to death, Abel?

"Yes, Cain, I am."
Come on, stop it!

Self-defense. Clearly. Self-defense.

What have I done?
What have I done?

What have I done again?
What have I done some more?

What have I continued to do?

Oh, guys.
Guys, we're in some real trouble here.

What do you mean, "we"?

I don't wanna play the blame game
but you hit him.

No, no, no. There's two of you
and there's one of me.

- You could have stopped me.
- Didn't know you were gonna kill him.

- Are you calling me a murderer?
- Did I say that?

It was an accident. Right?

Yeah, you were holding a rock...

...and he ran into it
with his face repeatedly...

...until he just couldn't pull through.

- It was horseplay.
- It was horseplay.

It was two horses playing.

One murders the other one...

Yeah. It's probably best if we
didn't mention this accident to anyone.

Because, you know,
people don't understand, and...

Who am I gonna tell?

I can't think of one
who'd be interested.

I'd only tell him
and he's a witness as well.

- Why even bring it up?
- Okay.

- It's like he killed himself.
- Cry for help, if anything.

All right. Good.

I like you guys. I do.
I like you guys a lot. I do.

Why don't you come over
to my place for supper?

- We already have dinner plans.
- Damn.

Why don't you come over
to my place for supper?

We'll come over to your place
for supper.

I mean, how many times
do we see you?

- Just don't kill me.
- No horseplay.

- What?
- Nothing.

What are these big,
round things for?

They're wheels, numbskull.
They make the cart roll.

I feel like a bird.

Bring it forth.


I'm gonna yak.

Hey. What's wrong with you?

- Let me get your hair.
- That was too fast.

Cain, I ask you again,
where is thy brother Abel?

I don't know.
I haven't really seen him at all.

Have you... You guys...
You guys haven't seen him, have you?

- Don't know who that is.
- I don't... Never...

- Don't know who you're talking about.
- What's his name?

- Sure he's out there somewhere...
- I haven't seen anybody anywhere.

Never had the pleasure.
Sure he's in the prime of his life.

This is good soup. Really good.

Lilith said she saw you
in the field with him.

Oh, man, this bread is good.

Oh, really? That... Oh, yeah.
No, that was yesterday, right.

No, this day.
She said you both made offerings.

- Oh, that was Boaz. Yeah.
- No.

- Japheth. It was Japheth.
- No.

- Enoch.
- No.

- I'm sure it was Gilgamesh.
- No.

- Ishmael.
- No.

- Ezidia?
- No.

- Jennifer?
- No.

Now I'm remembering correctly.
It was Tishbaven.

It was you. She said
it looked like you were arguing.

Yeah, well, let's be honest.
Lilith is a lying bitch.

Look, I mean, we're brothers.
We're gonna argue, it's human nature.

- Show me the perfect family.
- His flock goes untended in the field.

Okay, look. Enough.
Am I his keeper?

Okay, look. Enough.
Am I his keeper?

I mean, just get off my back, Father.

I wish you were dead too.
Even though Abel's not dead at all.

I fear the worst for Abel.
I'm sorely vexed.

You're welcome to spend this night
with us.

You may lay with my daughter Lilith.

She is without a husband...

...and as the Lord said,
"Be fruitful and multiply."

What about me?

You may share the bed
of my son Seth.

- Thanks, Papa.
- Yeah, there you go.

I multiplied with sheep.

Smell that.


Feeling fruitful?

My bed is small but you're welcome
to share it. It's the way of my people.

That is such a good way to be.

In fact, I'm kind of surprised a pretty
girl like you is sleeping alone, anyway.

I'd have thought
guys would be lined up at the door.

- Oh. I don't like men.
- Maybe... just ain't met the right one yet.

Loincloth rising.

- No, I like girls.
- We have that in common.

No, I'm attracted to women.

I don't even know what that means.

- What does that mean?
- I like to have sex with other women.

I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.
All my brain blood was in my boner.

That was such a good one.

Okay, here we go. Ready, ready?

No, wait.

Little surprise on the end
of that one, right?

- Very good.
- One more, ready?

No, we're good.
Oh, do you wanna see a trick?

Do I have to?

Your brother Seth
is an interesting guy.

Did you know he can put
his own penis in his mouth?

I did not know that.

Whole thing. Right in there.

It's been a great sleepover...

...and thank you
for the gruel and the garb.

- Where's everybody going?
- To look for thy brother Abel.

- Good luck.
- What?

I said, good luck, Father.
I'm really worried about him.

You're not coming?

I'm just gonna stay here
and finish toiling...

...and then we'll be right behind you.
- Good.

Hey, I'm heading to the coast.
You guys should come with me.

They're gonna try to blame this
whole Abel-killing business on you.

- Why blame it on us?
- When they find him...

...and see his head, they're gonna
start pointing fingers. You're drifters.

They're gonna put two
and two together.

Now stop asking so many questions
and let's go. Go, go, go.

Cain. After him.

- They're gaining on us.
- They're getting away.

- Eat my dust, Father.
- This is really too fast.

- Oh, no, no.
- Hold tight. Hold tight.

Cain! My justice will be swift.

No. No! Damn you, Cain.

Who's in God's favor now, Father?

What are the odds of that?
Hey, am I lucky or what?

Your head's smoking.

Hey, it didn't leave a mark, did it?

Just a pink, red hole.

- Your bangs are gonna cover it.
- All right. Whatever.

This is the biggest place
I've ever seen.

It's called a town. Just act normal.

- Hi.
- Hello. Greetings, seafarer.

- That's not normal.
- Hello.

Would you stop saying
hi to everybody? It's annoying.

All right, this is a market.
Over there is a Build-A-Bear.

That's a really good container store.
Oh, this place has killer hemp.

- Yes, please.
- Next up is an unusual item.

- He's big. He's strong.
- It's Marlak.

Oh, do not worry. He is not fighting,
he is having fun.

Okay, maybe he's
little bit depressed.

Maya and Eema.

- Zed.
- Eema.

- Hi.
- Hi. Hi. Gosh.

What happened?
How did you get here?

After the fire that you started,
the hill tribes raided the village.

They held us captive...

...and traded us to the boat people,
who brought us here.

So it's such a coincidence
to run into you guys like this here.

- You think it's a coincidence?
- What do you think?

I'm not sure, but I'm beginning to think
that everything happens for a reason.

God wanted me to have
knowledge of good and evil.

- Why would he want that?
- Why are we assuming God's a he?

I don't know what to say to that.

You kidding?

Anyway, don't you guys see
what I'm saying?

Why would he choose you?

Why wouldn't he choose
someone stronger?

Chosen doesn't have to be strong.
I'm big like this.

- You have a fat face.
- My brain. It's enormous.

I'm smarter than you are.
I don't talk as much.

I'm the smartest guy in the village.

I'm the smartest guy
that was in the village.

Excuse me,
you are interested in some slaves?


- This one looks pretty good.
- And her little friend. Very good.

- Just how I like them.
- Hey.


So how do we do this
if we want them?

You have money?

That depends
on what you mean by money.

Excuse me.
Perhaps I could be of some help here.

You guys, let me deal with this guy,
see if I can work out a deal.

What happened to your forehead?

I didn't murder my brother. I didn't.

All right, I'm just gonna...

We're gonna get you out of this.
You trust me?

- I want to trust you.
- Fair enough.

Next up is a twofer.
It is two for price of one.

Have a great vacation.

Never trusted that guy.

Because he murdered his brother
with a rock?

Is that why you didn't trust him?
You got great instincts.

Sorry, do you think you could move
your hands, please?


- Sorry.
- Thank you.

Enmebaragesi, can you move that way
a little bit? We're crowded back here.

Oh, yeah, no problem.
How's that?

Look, I want you to know...

...I blame myself for everything
that's happened.

- Yeah. So does everybody else.
- Stay away from my woman.

Not gonna be possible, Marlak.

She's not your woman.
You can't own people.

Except for the guy who bought
all of us. Apparently, he can.

- That's it.
- What?

- I'm gonna kill you!
- "I'm gonna kill you."

You always say, "I'm gonna kill you"
and you never do.

Be still. Don't make me come in there.

I'd like to see you try.

Take the slaves!


Eema, run like a cougar
is chasing you.

- Zed!
- Eema.

Come here, you two.

Go, go, go, go.

Sir, shall we pursue the slaves?

Let the desert have them.
They won't get far.

Yes, sir.

- Orders, sir?
- Tend to the slaves.

- We leave for Sodom before daybreak.
- Yes, sir.

I wonder who they are.

Their hats are really great,
aren't they?

Their hats?

When that guy
cut the other guy's head off...

...I wasn't thinking about
what a great hat.

It wasn't my very first thought, but I'd
be lying if I said it wasn't up there.

I'm just saying, if I can snag one,
I'm going to.

Now I just have to figure out a way
to rescue Maya and Eema.

How are we gonna rescue them?
These guys are killers.

Even killers have to sleep sometime.

That was refreshing.


They're gone.

Now where do we go?

They said they were going to Sodom.
We're going to Sodom.

I think I have sand in my ass,
but there's no way of knowing for sure.

I'll take a look in it
when we get to Sodom.

We making a burnt offering
or something?

Yes, Isaac.
As God has commanded me.

But I don't see the sheep anywhere.

The Lord. The Lord shall provide
the sheep, my son.

What is this?
Is this some sort of magic trick?

In a way. In a way.

If this is because I didn't clean up
my tent, I'm sorry.

I'll do it right when I get home.

Oh, Dad, why are you doing this?

The Lord has spoken unto me, Isaac,
and I must obey him.

If the Lord told you to jump off a cliff,
would you do it?

- Forgive me, Isaac.
- My God.

Stop! What are you doing
with that kid?

- Nothing.
- Nothing?

This is my son, sir.
We were playing a game.

All right?
It's called Burny Burny Cut Cut.

You weren't.
You were gonna kill him.

I was not going to kill him.
I was going to sacrifice him.

- There is a tremendous difference.
- Not to him.

By what right dost thou interfere?
Art thou sent by the Lord?

Yes. As a matter of fact, I am.

- Aye. Aye, verily, thou art.
- Verily. Yea.

Thou were sent by the Eternal One
to stay my hand.

- All of that.
- This is Isaac.

And I am Abraham, the son of Terah
of the House of Nahor.

We were two doors down from Nahor.
We were Nahor's neighbors.

And I am Zed, son of Zero.

And this is Oh, son of Ooh
from the House of Sticks and Dung.

The tents of my kinsmen
lie just beyond.

Come. Come, my friends.

We are the Hebrews.

A righteous people,
but not very good at sports.

This way, friends. Come.

Brothers, brothers.

Let us give thanks
unto the Lord thy God...

...for staying my hand on the mountain
this very day.

Praise be to God,
hallowed be his name.

And let us also praise him...

...for the bounty
which he hath bestowed unto us.

He hath increased our wealth...

...and blessed us with...

Thanks. Thank you.
A lot of loving things.

- Kind loving kindness.
- Yeah.

Friends, whence comest thou?

- He wants to know where you're from.
- Thou comest not from...

...the Cities of the Plain,
from Sodom and Gomorrah.

- Heard of them, never been there.
- Are they nice?

"Are they nice?"

They have been cursed for all time
by the Lord thy God...

...for their abominations.
- I did not know that.

They worship idols
and they bow down before false gods.

- Abdominal.
- It's the worst.

The men of that city
are weak and soft...

...fat with rich food,
intoxicated by strong drink.

I'm not hearing the bad part.

The women are whores.

Their shameless lust
knows no bounds.

They flaunt their flesh...

...and any man may have knowledge
of them whenever he so chooseth.

Which one of the two cities
has the most whores?

Just so we know to stay away
from that one especially.

Walk you not the path of Sodom.

For the Lord thy God
has said unto me...

...that he shall send a holy fire
to destroy that city...

...and all who dwell within
for their iniquity.

He shall smite them.

Them, and all of their seed.

So when do you think
this smiting's gonna go down?

- Because we have some friends there.
- Their fate is sealed.

But for my faith and devotion...

...that self-same God...

...has promised unto me
the whole of this land.

From the Heights of Golan in the north
to the Sinai in the south.

From the river of Jordan
to the great sea.

- This is all your land?
- For all of eternity.

But apparently God
forgot to tell anyone else.

We're at war with someone
every other day.

Excuse me. I and my kinsmen
have vanquished our enemies... the mighty hand
of God, blessed be he.

- Praised is his name...
- Unto us.

...and glory his graciousness.
- Wealthy bounty.

Therefore, to signify my covenant
with the one true God...

...I shall on this day
circumcise the flesh of my penis.

And of you. And you, and of you,
and every male who dwelleth hereby.

- Excuse me?
- I don't know what you mean.

We shall grasp the foreskins
of our penises...

...and we shall cut therefrom
the extra flesh. Amen.

I don't think I have any extra.

- Couldn't we pierce our ears?
- No, no, no.

So it shall be written,
and so it shall be done.

Let me get this straight. You're saying
you have too much cock?

And you wanna:

You know, Abe, it's been a long day,
we've all had a lot to drink...

...and I know that this foreskin thing
sounds like a good idea now...

...but you might wanna sleep on it.

We can always cut it off
in the morning.

But if we do it now, there's just no way
to get it back on there.

No, no, no, trust me, it's gonna be
a very, very sleek look.

This is gonna catch on. I'm gonna go
get my good knife.

Just wait right there. I'll be right back
to cut your penises.

Not the whole thing,
you understand. Just the very tip.

And after, we're all gonna have wine
and sponge cake.

Do you have any idea
where we're going?

Going to Sodom.
We have to save Maya and Eema.

He said that God
was gonna smite Sodom with holy fire.

God also told him to chop off
the tip of his dick.

Dad, no! No! No!

So listen, I've been thinking,
what constitutes the tip of the penis?

Because his definition
might not be the same as mine.

- What if the tip is your favorite part?
- The tip is your only part.

Come out here.

Hey, you caught me. Guilty.

What are you doing here?

- I'm gonna come.
- You don't know where we're going.

- You're going to Sodom, right?
- No.

How stupid you think I am?
You've had a boner for Sodom...

...since my dad mentioned it.
If I take you, get me some wine.

Aren't you a bit young?

Do you like hanging out
with this little girl?

My dad just trimmed my dick skin.

That's Sodom right there.
The Unholy Land.

The devil's playground,
where the sinners are winners.

Me and my boys sneak in here
on the weekends sometimes.

Pick up on the babes,
drink some wine, smoke some herb.

- Shouldn't be smoking either.
- Thanks a lot, Grandpa.

I've been smoking for four harvests
now, so I think I'm good.

These doors are enormous.

- It looks like they're not open, so...
- You just gotta knock.

- They let me in all the time.
- Yeah, knock.

- Why don't you knock?
- You knock.

- What if we're waking somebody?
- Eema and Maya might be in there.

I gave them our word
we'd rescue them.

I want to get my dicky sticky.

- Halt. Halt.
- Get help. Tell your father.

Like I'm gonna tell my father
I came with you guys to Sodom.

So long, suckers.

I kind of get why his dad
wanted to kill him.

Get in.

- What's this, then?
- They were banging on the gate.

- Hebrews from the look of them.
- Well, we're not really Hebrews.

We are Hebrews?

I get it. No talking.

- Should we wake the commander?
- Oh, no.

Don't want to wake the commander.
He gets mean when you wake him.

Meaner than this?

Let go of his titty.

Yeah. Okay. All right, good one.

What the bloody hell
is going on out there?

Who screamed?
Sounded like a woman.

But you don't look like a woman.
You wanna kiss me?

Like in a romantic way?

By tomorrow morning,
you'll wish you hadn't been born.

- I already feel that way right now.
- Yeah.

Why don't you pick on someone
your own size?

Because that I would pay to see.
You versus a guy your size.

Give me my stick.

Bumpy. You got a smoother one?


Turn around
and put your hands on the table.


I'll take that kiss now.

- We'll start with the fat one.
- Relatively fat. I mean...

- Welcome to Sodom.
- Hey, I want a piece of that.

- Cain?
- You know them?


I missed you so much. Oh, you guys.
Promise you'll never leave me again.

- This is amazing.
- And this is a Monday.

You should see this place
on a Thursday.

- Because Thursday's the new Friday.
- Well, thanks for saving us.

- What are you gonna do to us now?
- Excuse me? Do I detect a tone here?

You did sell us into slavery.

Hold a grudge much?
That was, like, a fortnight ago.

It was less than a fortnight.
Half a fortnight.

- It was a sevennight.
- Oh, give me a break.

I was dealing with the death...

...of a close, personal family member
and I needed some space.

But hey, now I realize that you guys
are like my real brothers.

And it's so rare to have a brother
that you love and don't wanna kill.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Hey, who's hungry?

- I'm hungry.
- Don't kill me.

Yeah? Okay.

Excuse me, I was...

Yeah, that's two for flinching.
Hey, let's go.

Here. Now we're even.

Check out the woman across the way.
She's looking at us.

She's totally eye-knowing us
with her eyes right now.

Well, she's really making
that banana last.

- Go talk to her.
- I kind of have a girlfriend right now.

A girl that I'm going to marry.

Make my wife, make her my girlfriend
one day when I get enough strength.

What transpires within the confines
of the walls of Sodom...

...stays within the confines of the walls
of Sodom.

If you guys are gonna stay here,
you should join the guard.

- Hey!
- Hey, hey what, hey? Huh? Yeah.

I mean, the pay's not great
but the perks, tons of them.

I'm telling you, it's the only way to go.
Come on, let's go talk to the sergeant.

- Let's go.
- Hurry now.

This is great. How do I look?

I can't see. This is too big on me.
I wonder if I can get a smaller size.

Yeah, someone's gotta be
the hat person around here.

- Find a...
- Excuse me.

Hey, my helmet is way too big
for me. It looks really silly.

- Think I can get a smaller one?
- Line up!

- What are you doing? In the line.
- Wait, he's not...

In the line. Face forward in the line.

- Guys. Guys?
- I don't know where to...

- Guys.
- You too!

- Guys.
- Find a hole, you stupid bastards.

- It's kind of obvious, isn't it?
- Not to me.

Soldiers. Present arms.

I never got a sword.
I only got the holder.

I didn't know
that that's what it was for.

- So this is it? We just walk around?
- Yeah, pretty much.

Just look for troublemakers.

If you see a thief or a pickpocket,
we'll slap them around a little bit.

Maybe cut off a finger, you know,
or tip of the nose sometimes.

Lower lip. Just anything you can grab
and slice in one fluid motion.

It seems kind of harsh.

Hey, just remember it's the palace
that pays us, not the people. Come on.

Feed us!

Six sacrifices in the last 10 days
and still no rain.

Majesty, there's talk of revolution
in the streets.

Oil and grain are scarce,
prices are high.

Starving peasants are pouring
into the city in search of food.

We could actually have a riot
on our hands.

Poverty has a bitter taste,
but it is a flavor they are born to.

It is the will of the gods.
What do the entrails predict?

Well, the liver is streaked with gray,
which is not a good sign...

...but his poor rectum
is absolutely pulverized...

...which is not unusual
for a sheep in this region.

The genitals are enormous.

That's of no significance,
I'm just commenting.

If you do look at this intestine...

...his large intestine
is arranged in an arc...

...then the two massive balls
of the sheep are like eyes.

To me, I see a happy face.
That makes me happy.

What does it mean?

Well, could mean a surprise visit
from a former friend or sweetheart.

Or that you're going
on a long sea voyage.

Could I come?
I've never been on a boat.

How did you become high priest?

I'm your brother-in-law.

Perhaps it's time
for a new high priest.

Perhaps it's not time
for a new high priest.

Let that be a warning to you.

Next time, I shall hurl a lightning bolt
right in your face.

Or a fireball.

And you know what's the best part
about Sodom? The sodomy.

You guys are in for a treat.


Did you see that girl?

That was Princess Inanna.

She's totally hot.
Don't even think about it.

Why not?

Why? Because she's royalty
and you're a caveman.

Where's everybody going?

To the temple.
You guys have to see this.

- Will she be there?
- Yeah, everyone'll be there.

There she is.

The princess isn't eating.

I find it hard to eat
when so many are hungry.

- You can't keep starving yourself.
- Why not?

Everybody else is starving.
Present company excluded.

Careful, princess.

You may be my stepdaughter,
but these are dangerous times...

...and those are dangerous words.
- Whatever.



- What's happening?
- They're picking a virgin.

Oh, please. If you're a virgin,
then I'm a fuzzy little gerbil.

Back to the whorehouse with you.
Quick as a bunny. There you go.

What do they need a virgin for?

- To throw her in the fire. Are you new?
- What? Why?

An offering to the gods.

- Are you serious?
- There's a famine going on... if we make
a good enough sacrifice...

...then the gods give us rain.
You get rain, you get harvest... get harvest, you get food.
You know what food is?

Yeah, you know food.

So they're gonna throw a virgin
into the fire so that it rains?

Where do you think rain
comes from? Clouds?

My 6-year-old knows.

- Hey, how do you get rain?
- Burn a virgin.

I didn't think
it was anything related to...

Yeah, yeah. "I didn't think,
I didn't think."

It's the gods and it comes
from virgins being burned.

Did I do something to offend you?

I come here, I get a great seat
at the sacrifice, and you're ruining it.

Seems like a waste
of a perfectly good virgin to me.

Hey, guys? I'm trying to enjoy
the sacrifice with my family.

Do you mind? Do you mind?

For the love of the gods...

...we commit this fair maiden... Moloch's holy fire.

These virgins, it's always a girl?

I'm really happy for her.
She was always the runner-up.

True success story.

My lord,
the princess wishes to see you.

Me? What about my friend?

Can the two of us come?
We're a pair.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The three of us are like a pair.

No, not you.
The two of you, follow me.


- I'll try to put a good word in for you.
- Yeah, do.

If we never, ever see you again,
it's not because we're avoiding you.

Don't forget about me.

This is Zaftig, the eunuch.
You, go with him.

Oh, can't I go with him?

- Why? Is he your lover?
- No, we're just friends.

That would be weird.
We're both guys.

- Come with me.
- What do you do?

I've been a palace eunuch
since I was 9 years old.

- How would I become a eunuch?
- They cut off your testicles.

Why all the genital mutilation?

Well, you get to keep them.
I always keep mine close at hand.

Would you like to see?


Can I ask your opinion?

What do you think?
Ponytail or no ponytail?

- I don't know and I really don't care.
- Okay. I just wanted to know...

...what the ladies of Sodom
were into nowadays, but...

This party is insane.

It's more of a hair-down
kind of scene, I'd say.


Be sure to try the fruit.

Maya. What are you doing here?

Okay, I'm still alive,
thank you for asking...

...and I'm still a slave.

I was coming to rescue you. Really.
That's why we were here.

- We were gonna find you.
- Yeah?

You seemed worried
about your ponytail just a second ago.

I was just...

- You were just chosen again.
- I was.

I would love to join you at this orgy,
but I can't...

...because I have to go be a slave,
and I don't get any breaks.

And the princess has crabs.

Oh, yes, it's steamy.

God, that's realistic.

Watch it, jerk.

A real woman, that's...

Oh, excuse me, Miss...

Ter. Mister. Awkward.

Good concentration.

You're good. You're real good.

- Oh? Is that you?
- I'm not supposed to talk, I'm a statue.

- Yeah, you look so gold.
- It's all the gold paint.

- How's it going?
- It's going great.

I just had my entire body
painted by a fat guy with no balls.

- Oh, how did that go?
- He was extremely thorough.

- How's it going with you?
- Not bad.

Just had a little rub and scrub.
Now I'm up for some grub.

- Sounds luxurious.
- Hey.

You remember that woman
who brought us in with the face dress?

That was Maya. She's working here
now and she looks great.

- Kind of mad at me, though.
- And there's Eema.

Come here, wench.

Let me have a look
what's up that skirt.

- I'm sorry, it was an accident.
- It was no accident.

Hey. You. Slave girl.
I told you to fetch me more wine.

- Apologize to this officer now.
- I'm sorry.

Good. Now go fetch.
Wait over there by the skinny statue.

I'll deal with you later. Go!

Slaves. What are you gonna do?

Wait a minute.

Don't I know you?

- What are you, crazy?
- I will not serve these people.

- I'd rather die.
- Keep it up. You will.

Have you joined them?

I haven't joined anything.
I'm not having fun.

I'm just checking it out.
A lot to learn here.

- What, human sacrifice?
- No. No human sacrifices.

I've been chosen
to do something great.

Yeah, here we go.

I'm pretty sure it's not hunting pigs
and weaving baskets.

- Oh?
- Hello, Maya.

She wants to see you. Now.

Don't think
I'm interested in her.

- Whyever would I think that?
- It's part of my plan.

I'm gonna get us out of here
soon as I can.

- The princess awaits you.
- And I await her.

You two, await me.
Stay out of trouble. Stay gold.

He has no idea what he's doing,
does he?

- It's nice to see you like this.
- It's nice to see you too.

We should do something.
When do you get off?

- Never. I'm a slave.
- Oh, yeah, of course.

Slave girl, bring me a towel.

Yeah, I should go be a slave.

I'm gonna strike a specific pose,
I guess.

- Okay.
- I love you.

You there. Golden boy.
Come here.

Rub me with oil.

I'd rather not, if you don't mind.
That's not...

I'm not one of the oil rubbers,
I'm just a guard.

Rub me with oil or die.

- Is that enough?
- Much more. Baste me like a chicken.

Oh, yes. Pour it all over me,
you little bronze bitchlet.

Yeah, okay. You got the whole thing
on you now.

Marvelous, I love it.

All right, well, have a good evening.
I'm glad I could help you out.

Now rub it in.

With my hand?

No. With your nutsack.
Of course, with your hand.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes, the oily oiliness.

The musky, precious,
smoky, oily oiliness.

Yes, that's right.
Oh, God, paint a picture on my body.

- Tell a story on my nipples.
- Yeah.

That's right, take me down
the smoky Euphrates.

Do something
you'll be ashamed of later... naughty little goat.
All right, charm the snake.

- Eema. Hey...
- Oh, just like that. Now slap me.

- This isn't what it looks like.
- My tummy. Go ahead, slap me.

- Slap me. Slap the tummy.
- No, it's fine. I mean, I understand.

Go on. I love it, I love it.
Oh, you're very gifted.

No, no, no. I'm just rubbing oil
on this man's chest. Eema.

A gift. I don't know,
you've got some sort of gift.

- Good luck.
- Look, Maya. Maya.

Come to me.

Beautiful, isn't it?

You can see Gomorrah
just over the hill.

Yep. Twin cities.

People think that the gods
are gonna wipe them out...

...because they're so evil.
- And what do you think? Am I evil?

Well, I don't really know you,
but you don't look evil.

Do you find me attractive?


Let me ask you one thing.

What would a girl like you
want with a guy like me?

I don't know.
I just find you interesting.

They say it's the will of the gods...

...that some men should suffer
while others rule.

That we're all just victims
of our own fate.

I believed that until this morning...

...when I saw you standing up alone
in the square and I said to myself:

"Yes! Finally, here's one man
who refuses to bow down to anything.

A man with the courage
to question the order of things.

A man chosen by the gods
to do something great."

That's exactly
what I've been thinking.

You would not believe the stuff
happening to me.

- I just didn't know why.
- I know why.

To bring you here. To this place.
To me.

I could not agree more.

I'm trying to agree more, but I can't,
because that's how much I agree.


This must be difficult
for you to understand...

...but my life is devoted
to the service of the gods...

...and the good of the people.
I keep nothing for myself.

- That's very unselfish of you.
- It is unselfish of me, isn't it?

You're so perceptive
for one so young.

- Yeah. What are those doors there?
- Behind these doors... the Holy of Holies,
earthly domain of the gods.

A place so ineffably sacred,
so powerful...

...that to enter is instant death.

- Who cleans it?
- Needs no cleaning.

Kind of makes you think
about the people that built it.

Like, did they die instantly...

...or were they given
a courtesy second... get out of there by the gods?

They were allowed to finish,
given four and a half seconds...

...then the gods descended.

- What if a bug goes in there?
- Instant death for the bug.

Are there dead bugs all over?
Because nobody cleans it.

They're vaporized immediately... a holy beam
of vapory fire vapor.

- Can we go in?
- I just told you.

To enter is instant death,
you gorgeous little dunce.

Can't even poke our heads in?

You're so young and curious,
aren't you?

You want to know it all
and taste it all, explore it all, be it all... with it all, suck it all,
don't you?

I've got a riddle for you.

What has two thumbs...

...and is desperate
for another hot-oil rub?

- What?
- This person.

Come on. Let's go.

- Come. Come quick.
- That will not be a problem.

What are we doing here?

I want you to enter
the Holy of Holies.

Oh, that is quite a coincidence...

...because I want you to sit
on the Poley of Poleys.

- Oh, no. That's the Holy of Holies.
- I thought you were talking about...

You have to go in there
and speak to the gods.

- The gods are in there?
- So they say.

The only one who goes in there
is the high priest.

They say it's instant death
for anyone else to enter.

- Then why am I going in?
- Because you've been chosen.

If the gods wanted you dead,
they would've killed you already.

- Right.
- This is what you've been chosen for.

To speak to the gods,
divine their purpose...

...and plead with them
to end this terrible famine.

Then come back out
and tell me what it's like inside.

- Okay.
- Okay.


I'm pretty sure I'm chosen,
but I'm not "sure" sure.

You're chosen.

Okay. I'm gonna go in,
but you gotta do something for me.

- You gotta let my friends go.
- Anything.

Don't kill me, don't kill me,
don't kill me...

Get up. You look ridiculous.

- Oh? What are you doing here?
- I'm hiding from the high priest.

I spent the last two hours
rubbing oil on him.

Is that chest hair?

Not all of it. Just don't ask, okay?

I've lost my sense
of right and wrong.

How did you get in here
without getting fried?

- I don't know. How did you?
- Because I'm a chosen.

Probably why God didn't kill you:
He knew you were my follower.

- I'm not your follower.
- Why are you always following me?

I'm not following you. I walk
behind you at the same pace as you.

Not following.
I could be leading from the rear.

Come on. I'm the leader.
I always have been.

Some leader.
Told us you were gonna get us out.

- Just been messing around at orgies.
- Messing around at orgies?

No, no. I'm not like you.

I don't get to prance around
in gold paint and have fun.

- I have no downtime.
- Please. Your whole life is downtime.

That's what you think?
That's what everybody thinks.

I'm about to show you something.

Almighty God, or gods,
whatever the case may be...

...I need to ask a favor of you.

I know
I've really messed things up...

...but I really need to come through
on this one...

...and I wanna ask you to please give
me the strength to free my friends.

- And that's it, that's the favor.
- Oh, shit.

And also,
if you could just make it rain...

...or like drizzle without us having
to kill a virgin, you know what I mean?

Because we need our virgins
at the moment.

And also, if you could give me
the power... see through women's clothing
without them knowing...

...that would be really great.


Hasn't it occurred to you
that it might be silent...

...because God is not in here?
Look around. There's nothing in here.

That doesn't prove anything.
Maybe he stepped away.

- For what?
- God stuff.

If he needs something,
he can create it from nothing.

What's the point of being God
if you keep running for things?

Let me just put something out there.
Maybe God doesn't exist.

What? So everything is just random?

Then nothing would mean anything.

- What would be the point?
- That is the point.

That there's no point? That's stupid.

- You're stupid.
- No.

- There's something bigger than me.
- There's nothing bigger than you.

- Don't touch my belly to make a point.
- Fine.

- Okay. I'm sorry, I have a man's body.
- I'm maturing at my own pace.

- You are so jealous of me.
- Jealous? That you're a bullshit artist?

That every time you speak,
it's bullshit coming out of your mouth?

You would believe in God
if you've ever been with a woman.

- I'm a virgin by choice.
- Not your choice.

- Take that back.
- I won't.

- Take back what you said.
- Take back what you said.

Everything you've ever said.

Don't stand close.
Get your belly off of my belly.

Don't touch my belly.

I don't want to touch bellies with you,

Take everything
you've ever said back.

- You're out of control.
- You're a freak.

- Stop screaming, stop screaming.
- You're a freak! Get off me.

I can pull this thing together.
The princess is right out there.

And if I play this right...

...l'm gonna get us all out of here,
Maya and Eema too.

Just trust in me. Have a little faith.

Fine, but not for you. For Eema.
And I'm too tired to argue right now.

I had a long hot bath with the
high priest, and I'm lightheaded.

I'm sorry for squeezing you so hard.

Let's go. Freak.

God, if you do exist,
if you make Eema love me...

...I would be very grateful. Okay?

If you do exist.

You guys waiting to go in there?

Because I gotta say:
Not that big a deal.

If you see a broken penis,
it was like that when we went in.

Seize him.

I'm seized.

I wish I was upside down.

Looks kind of fun.

Is it fun?

So you're not talking to me?

We're not friends anymore,
after all I've done for you?

- What have you done for me?
- I brought you out of your shell.

Yeah? I liked my shell.
I liked the village.

Because of you, I'm in this horrible
place where brothers kill brothers...

...and they burn women
and they make people slaves.

People cut off
the ends of their penises...

...and their testicles and I'm
never gonna see Eema again...

...and it's because of you.

Please forgive me.
I mean, you are my best friend.

I hate the world! I hate you!

And now I'm hanging upside down
and I really have to pee.

I know I'm not perfect.

And maybe I made a few wrong turns,
but you gotta understand I'm chosen.

That's a lot of responsibility.
You can't even imagine.

The only one that thinks that you're
chosen is you. So shut up already!

I'm gonna get us out of this thing
if it's the last thing I do.

That was just my first idea.

I'm also accepting ideas.

The upside down prisoner has to pee!

Oh, I'm peeing.

Oh, no.

Try to keep your mouth closed.

Oh, no. In the nose.

Hey, I'm peeing on my face too,
on the inside.

I hate you.

Observe, my dear...

...since it was you
who lured him to his death.

"For the crimes of blasphemy...



- What you thinking about?
- "Treachery...


Trying to make conversation.


- Your hair looks really good today.

- I peed all over it.
- Then that's the secret, I guess.


- Oh, it's "refusal of sodomy."
- Yeah!

Can you just forgive me?

I think I hate you too much.

and the murder of my brother, Abel."

- Oh, come on!
- Shut it!

For these, and other crimes...

...the prisoners shall be stoned... death!

- Wait! Can I make a suggestion?
- What?

Just have one person throw stones
at us.

In fact, I think it would be fair if you
let us choose who gets to stone us.

No. That doesn't make any...

- We want that guy.
- That guy.

- Me?
- That's our stoner.

What, just because I'm a eunuch
you don't think I can throw?

I'll show you throwing.

No, no. No, no, no! Gross.

Did he just hurl his own ball at him?
How spectacular.

No! That doesn't count.
That was a testicle.

I think it counts.

- Pick somebody else.
- What is that idiot doing?

- I pick that guy!
- Nice.

- This guy?
- No, no, the shorter man.

Right in front of him.

It's a kid. This is a kid.

So? You got something against kids?
This guy hates kids.

- Let me smite him!
- Kid hater!

- One shot!
- No, they're our future!

All right. Hey, go ahead and...

Okay. I'm hit.

Holy shit, that kid's got an arm.

God. There's two of us.

Are you guys happy now?

Okay! Everybody on this side,
on the count of three! One, two...

Wait! I have a question for the king.

Why didn't I die in the Holy of Holies?

Yes! I entered the Holy of Holies
and, lo, I did not die.

Why? Because I was chosen
by the gods!

Spare the chosen one!
Spare the chosen one!

Spare the chosen one!
Spare the chosen one!

- Spare the chosen one!
- And his friend!

- And his young friend.
- Don't kill either of them.

Everyone knows
the chosen gets a plus one.

Is it possible? Is he truly chosen?

Well, of course it's possible.
Highly doubtful.

Majesty, with respect...

...whether he is chosen or not
is no longer the issue.

If you were to kill him now,
given the public mood... could inflame the situation
so as... cause a radical regime change.

If you take my meaning.

Yes, that will do.

It is the judgment of our merciful king
that the prisoners be enslaved... toil at hard labor until they die
of starvation or exhaustion!


And how is that better?

You seem to enjoy your work.
How long have you been a slave?

Oh, I'm not a slave. I'm a volunteer.

Marlak. Enmebaragesi.
Long time no see.

I deserve that.

Take these bricks up top.
The masons are waiting.

I would but I did something to my
neck. I think I slept on it funny.

I should probably take it easy,
or I'll be no good for work tomorrow.


You know,
the mud's really good for your skin.

- Yeah.
- Ask me why my skin's so good.

- Why's your skin...?
- The mud.

I knew you were gonna say that.

You gotta love being outside.

Move it!


- Want some water?
- You're from the village, aren't you?

I'll bet you wish you were back there
right now.

- Yeah.
- Don't give up.

You'll get home someday.

Who's gonna take him there?
The chosen one?

You two, up! Get on line. Now.

- Where are we going?
- To watch the sacrifice.

- The king demands it.
- Is it compulsory?

There was some work that I wanted to
finish doing, get a jump on tomorrow.

I'd like to see how big you are
without that whip.

Same basic size.

All is in readiness, Your Majesty.

What now?
More virgins to sacrifice?

Yes, two. Your own handmaiden
and another slave.

Followers of the chosen one.
Discovered by this loyal soldier.

Oh, I was just doing my job.
It's what I do.

And one more to demonstrate
our own faith and charity.

For the love of the people,
and the heavenly gift of rain...

...we offer a humble sacrifice:

our own stepdaughter...

...the Princess Inanna.

- You're insane.
- For the good of the people, darling.

- You wouldn't dare.
- Wouldn't I?

If you like,
I can arrange for you to join her.


How long did you think
I would tolerate your insolence?

Burn her.

Drink it. You won't feel a thing.

Are they booing me?
How dare they.

They love you.
They're wooing you.

That's fine. You know?

It's Maya! And Eema!
Wait, Maya's a virgin?

No, don't kill them!

- Far enough, slave.
- No, kill me! I'm a male virgin.

Marlak, we can't let them
do this! Eema!

Eema. Eema!

- I gotta get down there.
- Over my dead body.

- No problem.
- No. Hey! Hey! Hey!

- Thanks, Marlak.
- Now what?

We implore the great gods
to show us a sign... that we may honor
your divine will.

Take this end. Lower me down.

Oh, dear.

Oh, no.

- What is it?
- It's a sign.

The chosen one comes! It's a sign!
He's going to end our suffering!

Fight the power! Yes, we can!

All together!

Let's cut some foreskins!

I knew
I could depend upon your loyalty.


Burn them. Burn them now.
Burn them all!

Don't struggle,
it's the will of the gods.

I don't think so.



- Sorry!
- Stupid.

Ma'am? Okay? All right?
Get the message?

Okay, we should be safe in here.

Thank you.

So, Eema, this might be a bad time
to say this...

...but that stuff
that you saw the other night...

...with the high priest, that...

He's a friend.
That was totally not a gay thing.

I always thought
that you and I had a connection.

So I just wanted to mention it now.

I always thought that we had
one and maybe...

...thought you might've
felt the same.

I just wanted to maybe bring it up
and see what you would say.

But I always thought... I always
have felt a certain way about you.

I don't know if you know or not
but you...

All those dead birds
that were always outside of your hut...

...those were from me.

- Just kiss me.
- From me like a gift for you.

I don't know,
I thought you'd like those.

I always thought that you could
maybe use the dead birds... a soup or something.

Or, I don't know,
I thought they were practical.

Should I take off my undercloth?

Oh, tough guy, huh?
You want a piece of me?

I'm gonna bash your head in.

That was a nice shot.




Get up and die like a man.

Nobody harm this woman.
She's not a virgin anymore.

- He's not either.
- I saved her life with my lovemaking.

Sit tight, Mama. Daddy's gotta fight.

Okay. No, wait, wait, wait!
Wait, don't kill him!


I just had sex with my new girlfriend.

- So?
- I had to tell somebody. It was great.

I loved it. I'm hoping
I'm gonna get another opportunity.

- What's going on behind you?
- I'm not falling for that.

Sodomize this!

Hey, Zed!

- Stop! No!
- Get back!

- Let her go!
- No!

The gods demand a sacrifice.
You're ruining it!

- How about a little more oil?
- Yes, darling?

I always knew you'd break my heart.

A little hot!

That was ironic.


...on behalf of the whole city...

...l'd like to thank the high priest
for his sacrifice.

That was really something,
wasn't it?

Come on. Put your hands together,
it makes a sound.

The chosen one! The chosen one!
The chosen one! The chosen one!

Okay, that was a little confusing,
wasn't it?

Was that a sign from the gods?

Everybody wants to know.

Well, I should know,
because I'm the chosen one, right?


You respect me.


You love me.


You fear me.


You would worship me.



Well, don't.

- Yeah!
- No.

And I'm not saying, "Don't" like,
"I'm the chosen one, so don't."

I'm saying, "Don't"
because I'm not the chosen one.

I thought I was, but I'm not, sorry.

Turns out I'm just a guy
from the woods...

...who was lucky enough to have these
great friends to watch my back.

I'm telling you, you don't need me.

You know what? Maybe we can all
make our own destiny.

Yeah. Maybe we could all
be chosen.


- You! You could be chosen!
- Yeah!

- And you! And you!
- Yeah!

Way over in the back! You, little guy!


- So you're queen.
- Couldn't have done it without you.

Yeah, you could've.

No, really, I tried for years and...

All right, maybe you couldn't have.
I was pretty amazing with the old...

Sorry about almost luring you
to your death.

Oh, please.

All right.


See you later.

Come on, people.

- Pick up that bag of camel dung.
- Yes, sir.

Hang on to it all day.

Hustle up.
These donkeys don't pack themselves.

- I will kill you where you stand.
- Relax.

They cut a little off the end but there's
plenty more where that came from.

This is my woman.
Stay away from her, or I'll kill you.

- Okay, okay. I'm sorry.
- Just go.

Get out of here or I'll kill you.

Cranky today.

So are you still thinking
about going to Egypt?

Supposed to be a real happening
place. You coming with or not?

Well, I mean, I was kind of
planning on going anyway, so...

Let me show you this new style.
Everyone's doing it.

You open your mouth really wide.
It makes it way sexier.

I'm thinking about introducing the
tongue, but I haven't perfected it yet.

- You know, we'll work on that.
- All right.

Look at us. Two men.

One going to lead a village and
the other going to explore the world.

You sure you don't wanna come back,
help me?

You don't need me. Everybody knows
you're the smartest guy in the village.

Gonna know you're the most
incredible warrior anyone's ever seen.

The way you punched that lady? Man!

I mean, you know...

She left me no choice, so I had to,
you know, punch her in the face.

Well, we'll tell stories about you
around the fire.

Strangers shake hands.
Get that thing out of here.

- I'm gonna miss you, little guy.
- I'm gonna miss you more.

Just trying to sniff you.
I wanna remember your scent.

That's probably the urine in my hair.

I can't let them see me cry.
They respect me too much.

Me too. On three.
One, two, three, break.

Well, may the gods smile on you.
See you around.

Whatever. Later.

- Oh?
- What?

I want you to have babies
with my sister.

- Try and stop me.
- All right, man.

- Zed, may the gods smile on you.
- You said that.

- May they. Yeah.
- Thank you, though.

All right come on, folks. We're heading
out now because I say so, all right?

What's the deal? Come on, Lindsey.
Come on, everyone's looking.

Please. Go. Good.

To the north!

You know that that's west.

I was just checking to see
if you knew.

To the west!

I'm already glad you're here.

One, two, three, foreskin!

Invoke your blessing
and do your will.

What's the fucking line? What is it?

It was a game.
It was a game of chance...

...and he hit his head
and he killed himself.

If anything, it was a suicide.

I let one go.

In honor of the chosen one,
as my first official act as your queen...

...l'm going to go back
and say the line again.

- Let's go back. Do you wanna try it?
- Yeah.

You just want it all.

You want to taste it all
and know it all and feel it all.

And suck it all in and blow it all out
your backside, don't you?


It's like the Great Turtle coming out
of the sea, you know?

It's like with the earth on its back,
you understand?

I'm an oilman.

You're cursed, Zed, and if you don't
leave here we're all gonna be cursed.

And it drank up the ocean,
then pooped out the mountains...

...and the first man
fell from the stars.

This is... I don't... This doesn't make
a lot of sense, guys.

Can I talk to Harold?
Is that...?

What's that?

What's that?
A strange Gorgon from another time!

I weep for the suffering
of my people.

We're getting boned... the planes, the trains,
and the what, huh?


- Oh, that's great.
- Zed? It's constricting me.

Can I show you this new kiss
I been thinking about?

- Yeah.
- It's called a tongue kiss.

- It's strange. Yeah. Okay.
- Still perfecting it, yeah.

- It's fine.
- All right.


And camera reloading!

Special thanks to SergeiK.