Zack and Miri Make A Porno Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Zack & Miri Make A Porno script is here for all you fans of the Kevin Smith movie starring Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Zack & Miri Make A Porno quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Zack & Miri Make A Porno Script


You little motherfucker!

Get up, Zack.

Come on, I don't wanna be late
for work.

MIRI: Ahh! Get out!
- Jesus, fuck!

Close the door
if you're gonna take a shit.

- It was closed.
- It was closed over, it was not closed.

- Close the door, Zack!
- Okay, okay.

MIRI: God.
- Fine.

- What's that thing?
- It's a hand warmer.


We're going now.

- You smell that? Is that the car? Fuck.
- Oh, goddamn it.

- What? What?
- Oh, it's wedged in my taint.

- What is?
- It got wedged in my taint.

- What?
- It's stuck under my balls.

- It's between my balls and my leg.
- What's happening?

- Please, pull over. Pull the fuck over!
- Okay, all right! Jesus, okay.

ZACK: It's about to move up to my ass.
MIRI: What?

The movement makes it hotter.

It's tucked under them.
It's stuck under them.


Oh, fuck.

I think I burned my ball hair off.


It's not funny.

Can you help me pick out an outfit
for tonight?

I'm working till 6.

- Well, I can try stuff on at the store.
- The store?

No, how about instead,
you get a friend?

But you are my friend.

I mean a girl friend, jeez.


Mr. Delaney,
can you work for me tomorrow?

Tomorrow's Thanksgiving.

Then you must come in the next day,
I tell you.

- It's Black Friday.
- Black Friday?

It's the biggest mall-shopping day
of the year.

And since the mall is just up the street,
I would like you to come out and work.

- On Black Friday.
- Oh, yeah.

All right, you want me to work
on Moolie Monday too?

- I'm sorry?
- How about Nigga Tuesday?

- Nigga Tuesday? This a new holiday?
- You come to a brother and tell him

he gotta work on Black Friday. You
got any idea how racist that sounds?

Telling me to work.
What, you think you own me?

- I never said this, I tell you.
- But you thought it, didn't you?

You thought,

"I'm gonna lay down the law
for this nigga, I put food on his table,

clothes on his nigga baby backs,
and he ain't gonna say shit."

- This ain't Amistad.
- You shut up.

You goddamn right this ain't Amistad.
I can't wait till the post office

settles my disability suit because then
I'm gonna be out this motherfucker.

I'm gonna be Oprah rich.
Y'all can kiss my ass.

You know what? Fuck you.
Fuck you, and suck cock.

- To hell with you.
DELANEY: To hell with you.

- Zachary will work. Zack, my boy.
- Yeah.

- The customer with the harelip...
- Oh, yeah.

- Speak me, say you were playing
baseball here the other night.

Wiffle ball.
And, uh, no, that wasn't me.

Maybe the harelip
makes it sound like "baseball."

Yeah, maybe you hear with an accent.

- Fuck you, okay?
- Okay.

One day, I'm gonna put a camera
over there, and then I can tell...

I'll know everything you do
when I'm gone.

Everything. Scratch your balls,
take a shit, everything, I tell you, okay?

Okay. Fucker.

I hate both of you ebony and ivory
motherfuckers, I tell you.

- Why is he so fucking high-strung?
- "Fuck off, I tell you. Very good."

Can you believe that Gandhi,
telling me I gotta work on Black Friday?

Ain't that some shit?

- Yeah.
- Like I don't wanna do shopping.

Biggest sales day of the year. I'm
getting a flat-screen TV, believe that.

That's my fault, I should tell you. I
asked for Friday morning off, I'm sorry.

- For what?
- I actually need a lot of recovery time.

Tonight is me and Miri's
ten-year high school reunion.

I'm just gonna
get fucking alcohol poisoning.

- Reunion? Tomorrow's Thanksgiving.
- Isn't that fucked up that they do that?

They say it's the best chance
to get everyone together.

People come back in town
for the holidays.

But they could have it
in the middle of the summer

at a blowjob contest that I was judging,
and it would still be retarded.

- So why you going, then?
- Miri's making me go.

Why you always
bending over backwards for that girl,

- knowing she ain't giving up no ass?
- We got a good thing going.

She pays half the rent, does dishes,
she wakes me up in the morning.

Why complicate that with sex?

Besides, man, I've known her
since the first grade.

You don't fuck someone
you met in the first grade.

Excuse me,
I met my wife in kindergarten.

We got married senior year,

and she has been the queen
of my world ever since.

- What if you could do it all over again?
- I'd jerk off and live by myself.

That woman is the bane
of my existence.

- See?
- Excuse me, can I get a coffee, black?

Can't you see we talking, white?

ZACK: If you're gonna continue
to emasculate me

with this Barbie dress-up shit,

I'm using your laptop.

Don't forget to smack it
when you turn it on,

otherwise the screen
doesn't come on.


Why don't you spring
and get a new one?

Same reason I don't spring for clothes
for tonight, I'm broke.

There's a chick who works
at Teen Juice at the mall, you know.

I gave her a good deal on yarn,

- so she's letting me borrow this stuff.
- Yo, bro.


MIRI: What?
- You're buying a vibrator online.

- What's wrong with the one you have?
MIRI: It died last week.

Look at the size
of those fucking panties.

Shoot that shit. Shoot it.

ZACK: My God, who even knew
Amazon sold shit like this?

This is incredible.

- Those are fucking granny panties.
MIRI: Okay,

A, I don't appreciate you violating the
sanctity of my Amazon Wish List page,

and B, I'm not buying that thing
from Amazon,

because it turns out
I don't have a credit card they take.


- Oh, shit.
- I'm sorry, guys. Am I in the way?

You're a fucking faggot, all right?
Let's go to Starbucks.

- He's a shitty barista anyways.
- Cock.

- And he throws like a bitch.
ZACK: You know what else I throw?

My nut sack in your coffees,
so how did that taste, fucker?

We saw your girlfriend
in her underwear, cunt nugget.

Well, too bad she's not my girlfriend,
you little fuck... Oh, they're gone.

Are you still talking to me?

Uh, just said, I'm gonna
look up more fuck toys on Amazon.

Oh, holy shit.

- They sell the Fleshlight here too.
- What's that?

It's a fucking pocket pussy
that is shaped like a flashlight

"for discretionary jacking off."

That way if you get caught,
no one thinks it's weird.

You're just a guy who likes to fuck
his flashlight.

I am totally buying this shit.

Whoa, if you've got money to burn,
how about paying the electric bill?

- That's due already?
- November's is probably due now,

but I was talking about September's.
Tell me this doesn't rock.

You kind of look
like Ronald McDonald.

That makes me want
some McNuggets.

Why would you wanna buy a
pocket pussy anyway? That is so sad.

What? Excuse me,
I forgot about the nobility

that accompanies coming
with a fucking vibrator.

Think a kid in Darfur gets saved every
time a vibrator makes you come? No.

- "Real feel action"? Oh, my God.
- Yeah.

If you start fucking machines,
I'm moving out.

What do you think a vibrator is?
It's a machine.

How come you get
to fuck something with a motor in it?

I've never met a man who can
make me come like a vibrator does.

That's bullshit. You get to be Buck
Rogers having sex in the 25th century

with fucking Twiki and Dr. Theopolis.

I'm stuck to a bottle of Jergens
in the bathroom.

Holy bejesus. You do not use
my Jergens to jack it in our bathroom.

ZACK: No, you know what I do
actually, is I light a bunch of candles

and I sprawl out on my sheets
and I listen to Sting.

No, I'm a guy. Give me
two Popsicle sticks and a rubber band,

I'll find a way to fuck it,
like a filthy MacGyver.

Oh, my God, I'm so glad I'm not a guy.
How about this?

I don't get why you're putting
so much effort into this thing.

I thought we were just gonna go to
sit around and make fun of everybody.

I can't wear anything that I already own
and expect to bring home Bobby Long.

Bobby fucking Long? No way.
Didn't that guy call you "Stinky Linky"?

Yeah, that was then, okay?

Maybe now he can save me a fortune
in Amazon bills.

Maybe you can fuck our landlord

so we can at least keep a roof
over our heads.

You don't have the rent?
Zack, it's your month.

Hey, I bought skates
with last week's paycheck

- and I need those to skate with.
- Oh.

And this week's will barely cover
the past two water bills, so...

Is this sexy?

Yeah, in like a To Catch a Predator
kind of way, it is pretty fucking sexy.

Then we're done.


What the fuck? Zack.

- You want me to come in?
- What happened to the water?

- They shut it off.
- Oh, shit. Just, uh...

Help me get this shit out of my hair.
Just use the water out of the toilet.

- There's poo in there.
- Not that part.

- The back part of the toilet thing.
- Oh, that makes sense.

MIRI: Take the cup there
and then scoop it in, there you go.

Here, I'll lean back and you can just,
you know, pour it down like... Like that.

You're harshing my buzz, you know.

This is so lame.
Don't look. Don't look.

Don't look.


All right, one hour tops,
then we're gone.

Or I had an idea.

We could just not go at all,
which would rock.

Even though we're broke
and we've never amounted to anything,

we're still better than these people,

No. Not at all. We're probably
not even as good as most of them,

unless one of them is a crackhead
or something.

Just tell me I'm prettier
than when we graduated.

You look about the same.

Definitely not prettier,
but around the same.

I'm thinner, though, right?
A little?

Not really.

Well, good pep talk. Fuck.


- Ta-da.
- Ta-da.

- You don't recognize us, do you?
- Um, no, sorry.

Zack Brown, Miri Linky.

Were you the one they called
Stinky Linky?

Oh, no, no one ever called me that.


- Great. What does yours say?
- What the fuck? Come on.

- I'm sure I had a nickname. Nothing?
- All right, you have a great time,

and before you go, don't forget
your copy of The Roving Roe-ver.

What the fuck's this shit?

That is not shit, that would be
our bi-monthly newsletter.

- Awesome.
BETSY: It updates you

- on what everyone's doing.
- Finally.

I love your enthusiasm. Here you go.
Write your e-mail address on that

and I'll be sure to add you
to our 800-member-strong mailing list.

We had 800 people
in our graduating class?

Yes, and only 250 R.S.V.P.'d.
Doesn't that suck, Mary?

- Miri.
- You married, Bets?

- I am. Two kids.
- Wow, that's beautiful.

- Awesome.
- You wanna fuck me later?

- Uh, no, I'm married.
- Okay, cool. If you change your mind,

- I'll be in there getting shitfaced.
- He will.

- Just so you know, I eat the pussy.
- He does.

Ah, tempting. Again, no.

- Shall we?
- Sir. Bye, Bets.

Think about it.



Can I get two beers, please?
You want a beer?

- Yeah.
- Three beers.

- Thank you.
BARTENDER: Here you go.

Is that Zack? Or am I Zack?
Whoa, ho, ho.

Oh, wow.

- Never gets old, huh?
- The other Zack.

Oh, in my world,
nobody calls me "the other Zack,"

now that this guy's not around
anymore, huh?

- Get the fuck off of me.
- There can be only one.

- What?
- Highlander, man? The Kurgan.

Remember? I'd yell it at you whenever
we passed each other in the hallway?

Like it was yesterday, man.
Awesome. Awesome.

Awesome. God, you guys have
so much to catch up on. Whoo.

- No.
- I'm gonna let you get to it.




Have you seen that big blowup picture
they have of me?

Yeah, it's...

My hair is terrible. I can't believe
I even wore my hair like that.

That's before I knew
about styling products, you know.

It makes a big difference in life.
But you live and learn, though, right?

I mean, ten years ago, Pittsburgh,
who knew anything about fashion?

Back in the day, our hairstyle, oh...

Hey, stranger.

- Whoa. Stinky Linky.
- Yeah. Although it's just Miri now.

- Give me a hug.
- Oh, okay.

- Hi, heh, heh, heh.
- Hi.


- How have you been?
- Great, great.

- Yeah?
- You look fantastic.

Wow, that is not something that you
would have said to me ten years ago.

- Well, I've grown up.
- Yes. Yes, you have.

You just look...

Ooh, heh, heh.

- Well, listen to you. Thank you.
- No, don't thank me, just fuck me.



Roxanne. Hey.

Someone I like, what are the odds,

Zack Brown, we had four years
of Spanish together.

Why does no one recognize me?

- Am I thinner? Is that it?
- Look at him.

- Who?
- My stupid husband.

No fucking shit. John Butterfield?
You actually married John Butterfield?

- That's amazing.
- Don't ever get married.

It sucks. You stop appreciating each
other and run out of shit to talk about

after the first year.
But look at him now, chatty as fuck.

Flirting up a storm with that
cheerleader nimrod Monica Von.

You want me to maybe flirt with you
so he can see it, even it up a bit?

I don't wanna get even.

If I was gonna do anything,
I'd wanna one-up the asshole.

You can give me a handjob
in the girls' locker room.

- Fine, but make it fast.
- Fuck, yeah.

Are you staying in town
for a while or...?

Just tonight. I fly back
to L.A. Tomorrow.

L.A., wow, Los Angeles. Gosh,
Bobby Long, coming up in the world.

- With Mrs. Long, I bet, huh?
- No, no, no. No Mrs. Long for me.

- Then can I be honest with you?
- Sure.


Whew. I think I need a drink.

Do you need a drink?
Because I need a drink to say this.

- I've got a beer already, so...
- Oh, great, thank you.

I think there's a cigarette butt in there.


Sorry about the elbow.


There can be only one.

Can I get a beer, please?

Thank you very much.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

My friend's making an ass of herself
hitting on her high school crush.

Oh, God, that's so sad.

It's so Miri, is what it is.
I'm Zack, by the way.


Don't worry, we weren't
in the same class or anything.

- Okay. Lucky you.
- Are you a Monroe-ver?

Well, I went here,
let's just leave it at that, I guess.

Do you have one of the large
blown-up pictures of your younger self

- hanging around here?
- I do, kind of. Right there.

BRANDON: Gorgeous.
- Good times.

What do you do?
What brings you here?

I came with somebody
who went to school here.

- Really?
- Bobby Long.

No shit. That's who my friend's hitting
on right now. See right there?

- Really.
- One dressed like Hannah Montana?

In L.A., we call that look
"Nickelodeon chic."

- Wait, L. A? Los Angeles?
- California.

That's awesome, man.
What do you do out there?

- I'm an actor.
- Wow, that's really impressive.

- Thank you, thank you.
- In fucking movies?

"Fucking movies." Pretty much.

Look at you. What...?
Anything I've seen? What movies?

Oh, all sorts of movies
with all-male casts.

All-male casts.
Like Glengarry Glen Ross? Like that?

Like Glen and Gary
Suck Ross' Meaty Cock

and Drop Their Hairy Nuts
in His Eager Mouth.

- Is that like a sequel?
- Sort of.

- It's a re-imagining.
- Oh, like The Wiz.

More erotic and with less women.

No women, to be exact.

I apologize in advance
if I am out of line here,

but are you in gay porn?

- Guilty as charged.
- Are you fucking with me?

- I thought you recognized me, that's...
- Oh, okay, I get it.

You're not in my demographic,
so I'm not insulted.

- Not really. Who's your demographic?
- Do you love pussy?

- I do.
- Then not you.

Oh, okay.

I came here tonight

hoping to seduce you
and bring you back to my apartment

and sleep with you to, uh,
get back at you,

you know, for calling me Stinky Linky
all those years ago.


That is a weird revenge plot.

- You must be a terrible lay for that.
- What? No, I'm great.

I mean, I've had enough practice
and everything. That...

Wow, that sounded not good.

I fuck a lot. That's what I meant to say.
That doesn't sound good either. Wow.

You're a lot funnier than I remember.

Thank you. Gosh,
you turned out to be such a nice guy.

It just... You know, it makes it even
easier to just... To just say this.

Would you like to come back to my
place and maybe open a bottle of wine

and have ourselves
a real high school reunion?

- L...
- Hello, Miriam.

Beat it, we're talking.

- I wanted to introduce you to Brandon.
- Salutations.

- Bobby's boyfriend.
- Bobby who?

- Bobby me.
- Bobby Long.

Brandon is the star of such adult fare
as... What was that one called again?

You Better Shut Your Mouth
or I'm Gonna Fuck It.

That's right. I'm surprised I forgot that.

Are you fucking with me?

No, they're fucking with each other.

Oh, my God.

- No.
- What?

Granny Panties?

- Excuse me?
- How can you tell?

This is so crazy.

I was literally just watching you, like,
right before we got here.

This is so crazy. This is you, right?

My name's Granny Panties,

and nobody wants to fuck me.

Nothing's whiter than my big gay ass...

Where'd you get that?

Oh, I entered "gay" and "ass,"
and it was the top hit.

It's had 200,000 views in three hours.
Honey, you are, like...

I'm jealous right now
because you're, like, super famous.

Baby, please take our picture.
I get a picture with Granny Panties.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- This is awesome.

- All right, smile. Okay, got it.
- Did you get it?

- Oh, thank you very much.
- E-mail me that.

Oh, because he's the worst
photographer. Okay, good.

- You're gay?
- Yeah.

And I'm on the Internet
wearing a diaper?

Who knew you'd come to Pittsburgh
and meet a celebrity?

I'm gonna binge-drink now
until I pass out.

Okay. She'll be fine. So you guys
suck each other's cocks, huh?

Oh, like crazy.


Okay, that's enough, I think.

I'm embarrassing him.
I love when he's embarrassed.

He's not living out loud,
so he gets all like, ooh.

- You are totally in love, aren't you?
- Zachary, we are.

Wow, l...

Oh, God, I just wanna eat him up,
yum, yum.

Save some for me, yum, yum, yum.

- I can't keep my hands off him.
- You've had one too many.

Although he does most of the eating in
the sack. In the sack and of the sack.

All right, that's enough.
Look, you've drunk too much.

You do this every time. You get too
Mary for everybody in the room

- and you can't contain yourself.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

And by containing myself, do you
mean containing myself in a closet?

In a closet of denial? Is that...?
No, no, no.

Holy shit, this just got real.

This is exactly why
you haven't met my mother.

You don't know how to ease people
into this situation.

- You just force your way in every time.
- I thought, maybe for one second

in this godforsaken town,
I could be myself. I'm so sorry.

No, you're right, I should just butch up

and pretend that I don't love it when
you shove your dick in my mouth.

- This is the best night of my life.
BRANDON: Am I making a spectacle?

- I could make a much bigger scene.
- You really are.

I'm sorry. Pittsburgh.
Listen up, Monroe-vers.

My name is Brandon St. Randy,
and I love Bobby Long.

- Fucking A.
BRANDON: Is that enough?

Is that enough of a scene?
I could start doing worse than that.

The reason you haven't taken me
to your mother's...

Your mother with her makeup and
all her drinking, she's in the closet too.

- They fight just like real people.
- I thought I'd be a conduit for you...

Thank you.

- Are you being sarcastic?
- No, I'm not.

- Thank you.
- I love you.

- I'll e-mail you.
- Zack, it was so nice to meet you.

And I will be patient with you.
I will be there on your journey.

I will be your Sherpa
up the mountain of gayness.

Well, might as well see how many hits
Granny Panties is up to, huh?


Did I do that?


Thanks, George.

What kind of evil fucks
turn off your power the day...?

No, the night before Thanksgiving?
Who does that?

Can you get an advance on your card?

Fleshlight maxed-out my $200 limit.
Not a wise purchase, I'll give you that.

This is bad. If we don't come up
with rent, we're gonna get locked out.

Who the fuck wants to live there?
There's no water or power.

Which means by the time
we get home, there's no heat either.

Well, I think it's time we put what
we always talked about into effect.

- You're gonna have to start hooking.
- You know, you jest,

but these are the exact circumstances
people find themselves in

right before
they start having sex for money.

- Yeah.
- Or making porn.

ZACK: Oh, my God, yeah.
- What? You got an idea?

We could make a porno.

- Not the idea I was looking for.
- What?

No, that is a fucking awesome idea.
Are you shitting me? That's a rad idea.

That guy, Brandon St. Randy, who's
Bobby Long's awesome nice boyfriend,

he said he makes
a hundred grand a year

because he shoots and distributes
his own porno flicks.

If it's so easy,
how come everybody doesn't do it?

Because other people have options
and dignity, which we do not have,

which puts us in an amazingly
advantageous position.

Fuck you, I have dignity.

Where? Is it hidden
in your gigantic underpants

that are plastered all over the Internet?
Is that where you hide your dignity?

Every woman has a pair of those
period panties. That's, like, a fact.

Okay. Families.

I bet people don't make porno,
because they have families.

But luckily, your parents are dead.
Sorry. My grandparents are dead.

- Sorry.
- Thank you.

So who are we gonna disappoint?
Porn has gone mainstream now.

It's like Coca-Cola or Pepsi with dicks
in it. Look at Paris Hilton.

She throat-fucks a guy in night vision,

now she's selling fragrances
to tweens.

And I'm pretty sure
she's legally retarded.

That's for tweens?

Have you seen that Joe Francis guy
who made Girls Gone Wild?

That guy is the biggest fucking idiot
piece of shit in the world

and he has a jet and a fucking island.

Look, there's got to be a less extreme
solution to our financial woes here.

- Give me a better option.
- Get a paper route.

- I don't have a bike.
- Be a waiter.

No one wants me around their food.
Would you eat food that I gave you?

I would not eat food that you gave me,
that's true.

MIRI: I mean, nobody
wants to see us fuck, Zack.

ZACK: Everybody wants to see
anybody fuck. I hate Rosie O'Donnell,

but if someone said, "I got a tape of
Rosie O'Donnell getting fucked stupid,"

I'd be like, "Why aren't we
watching that right now?"

Because she's famous. Hello.

So are you.
You're fucking Granny Panties.

My underwear and your ass
are famous, we're not.

So who the F
would wanna watch us fuck?

- At least 800 people.
- The jerks we went to school with?

- Are you serious?
- Of course.

If you heard
that someone we graduated with

was in a fucking porno movie,
you'd watch it, right?

I'd watch that guy Brandon
suck a cock, I just met him.

With this mailing list,
we have almost a thousand people

that would definitely buy a porno
we were in just to be like,

"Hey, I sat next to that guy in Civics.
Look at his fucking dick."

We sell a thousand copies at 20 bucks
a pop, bam, we have paid off our bills.

ZACK: So, what do you think?
- I don't think I wanna fuck a stranger.

Oh, wow,
like you've never done that before.

How many guys have you met in a bar,
taken home,

banged with your mouth
and then never talked to again?

That's what we call a stranger.

Dude, I don't one-night mouth-fuck
anybody that I pick up in bars.

You don't wanna fuck a stranger in the
porno movie for some weird reason.

I guess...

We could fuck.

- Ew.
- Fuck you.

I mean, you're a nice-enough-looking
guy and everything...

Holy fuck, thank you.
You're an all-right-enough-looking girl.

- How does that feel?
- Dude, I'm just saying

it'd be weird and wrong, you know,
like fucking my brother.

Okay, seriously,
we're just talking about sex, okay?

It's for a purpose. It's for getting rich.
Only my dick and your pussy

would be doing something weird.
Our bodies and brains would be acting.

- Wow.
- Just explain to your private beforehand,

"Look, this doesn't mean anything.
We're just doing this for cash."

- Oh, my God.
- What?

You're just doing this because you've
always wanted to fuck me, aren't you?

Yes. I've gone my whole life pretending
that I want nothing to do with you,

just hoping one day
we'd be in such dire financial straits

that I could use it
to finally make my move on you.

MIRI: You're just being sarcastic.
- I am.

See, I was pretending to cry
right there.

I guess it's not like it'd be creepy,

like if we got way too drunk one night
and accidentally fucked, you know?

No. We'd be going in
with the understanding that it's...

A business decision.

Strictly a business decision.
It's a means to an end.

- Right.
- And by end,

I mean, I'll be waxing your ass.

Fuck you.
I'm not even letting you see my ass.

I've seen your ass and the rest of you
naked around a billion times already.

- That goes both ways, buddy.
- You've never seen my dick.

Have you seen my dick?
You've never seen my dick.

Are you kidding? That party we went to
where you got blasted,

and Houls dared you
to give yourself head,

and we all watched you try for,
like, an hour.

Oh, yeah. Thanks by the way, for
fucking letting me do that. Thank you.

Oh, God. We really do know too much
about each other.

See, and this would really
just be one more thing.

I mean, look at us. It's Thanksgiving
and we're huddled around a flaming

fucking garbage can
like a couple of steno bums.

I mean, this could give us a chance
to pay off our debt, pay our bills,

get a fucking nicer apartment
with heat in it maybe.

What are you doing?

Miriam Linky, will you have sex
with me on camera for money?

I will.

DELANEY: A producer?
ZACK: Yeah.

- Guy who gets to finance the movie.
- You think I got that kind of money?

We just need that. What you're about
to spend on the flat screen.

Now I can't get my flat screen?
Fuck that.

No, no, no. With your cut of the profits,
you're gonna get two flat screens.

One in your living room,
one in your bathroom.

One in the bathroom?

You know, it's always been my dream
to watch shit while I shit.

Everyone with an ass
loves to watch shit while they shit.

- I'm gonna make that happen for you.
- I don't know, man.

What else the producer do?

- Um, they help with the casting.
- What's casting?

Finding the people to be in the movie.

- I get to help pick the women?
- Yeah.

Like, I can look at a titty, make sure
there ain't no moles on there?

- You can look at both titties, man.
- Man.

I've been looking at the same busted
titties for the past almost 20 years.

- I'm due for another new titty.
- Please help us. Please.


Yes. Yes. I love you.

Well, don't mind that smell.

We had some homeless people
squatting in here.

You know, they'd void their bowels
everywhere but the bathroom.

Anyway, you pick up the poop
and you've got yourself a movie studio.

Why don't we shoot
in your apartment?

No power.
You wanna pay our electric bill?

- You motherfuckers...
- We'll take it.


MAN 1: Bring it back.
- Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus.

Oh, God. Come on.

Why the fuck do I have to
do everything? Fuckers.


MAN 2:
Hey, what is that?

DEACON: Fucking guys. This fucking
team, man. They fucking suck.


I'm gonna hatefuck
the shit out of you, ref.

- Dude.
- It's cool.

- He's my cousin.
- Hey.

Didn't you used to videotape the varsity
basketball games in high school?

Just the away games. I did it because
I was trying to fuck a cheerleader.

Which one?

Whichever one wanted to fuck the guy
who taped the varsity games.

- Aw.
- Still know how to work a camera?

- Who cares what the title is?
- The porn I liked when I was a kid,

it was always, like,
a spoof of a popular movie, you know?

Like, um, Edward Penishands.

Okay, so we need a mildly clever,
vaguely dirty title,

that sounds like a real movie

- and sums up what you're gonna see.
- Correct.

An American Werewolf in Brenda?

Fuckback Mountain?

- Too soon? A Cock-in-Lips Now?
MIRI: Next.

- Too soon? A Cock-in-Lips Now?
MIRI: Next.

Cradle the balls. Work the shaft.

Jerk my come-crayon
and let me color you white.

I need cock and I need it now.

I'm fucking you in the puss.

I'm fucking you in the puss.

It's "puss" as in pussy.

Oh, because I was like,
who would wanna fuck puss?

I want to slam my ham in your can,
woman. Scene.

- This guy is amazing.
- This guy's great-looking too.

I wanna fuck him.

DELANEY: Hi, my name's Delaney
and I'm a producer.

I really don't know what it means. I'm
gonna be honest, this is my first time.

You don't have to worry, I'm not gonna
touch you or nothing like that.

- All right.
- I have a wife, you know.

We're happy. I mean, not happy,
but it's cool, you know.

Just so you know,
there will be some fucking.

- We'll talk about that if you get the part.
- Okay.

I mean, not... We won't be fucking,
there'll be fucking in the movie.

Like I said, I got a wife.
She don't play that shit.

- She is a crazy bitch.
- Yep.

It's my job as the producer
to see what you got.

So if that makes you uncomfortable
in any way,

you don't have to show me anything
you don't wanna show me, because...

I love the movies.

- Lawrence of a Labia.
- No.

- Oh, come on.
- Dawn of the Dick.

Yeah, but how are zombies doing it
at all sexy?

I want to eat your brain

and your ass.


- Dude.
- Sci-fi.

Yeah. Close Encounters
With a Turd From Behind.

- I don't know what that means.
- Just asses.

Fucking deep in asses.



We're making a porno
and we just need to know

what you would be or would not be
interested in doing.

If anything.

- No anal.
- Oh, definitely no anal.

Anal and hugging.

I don't do ass stuff.

- Anal.
- Ah, fuck.

- Oh, wait, oral. I like anal.
- Yay.

Okay, well,
so, uh, do you have any special skills?

Special skills?

I can get a boner really quick
and it sticks straight up.

- Is that really a special skill?
- I think.

- Can you show us what you mean?
- Sure.

Oh, that is special.


Yeah, you're hired, Mr...

- Who are you again?
- Lester.

Lester "The Molester" Cockinshtuff.

- No.
- Wow.

That is the best porn name
I've ever heard, man.

I can have a porn name?

- Then I'll be Pete Jones.
- Okay.

Are you Granny Panties?

- She is.
- Get the fuck out of here.

The panties
are actually in the house.

- I'll get them.
- Whoa.

- Star Sex 2: The Wrath of Cunt.
MIRI: We never made a Star Sex 1.

I guess we can lose Star Sex 3:
The Search for Cock, then.

- Cocunt.
- What's that?

It's Cocoon with a cunt.


So Delaney tells us
you have a special talent of some sort.

I don't know if I'd call it a special talent,

but it's a little something I picked up
doing bachelor parties.

It would probably be easier
if I just showed you.

- Great.
- The floor is yours.

So a movie, huh? That could be fun.

Holy fuck.

Her name, Bubbles.

- Invasion of the Potty-Snatchers?
- That's like MAD Magazine stupid.

Well, fuck you, okay? You try to think
of a good sci-fi porno title. It's hard.

MIRI: There's gotta be one we haven't
thought of that would say it all,

not be ridiculously filthy
and off-putting,

and still have instant recognition
with our audience.

- I got it.
- I got it.

- Star Whores.
- Yeah. It's funny, right?

See, we figured this opens us up
to an even bigger sales market

beyond the people we went
to school with.

People who like comics and sci-fi.

Comics? Like "Ziggy"?

"Ziggy"? Is that even in fucking papers
anymore? No, man.

Fuck you. "Ziggy" is a comic,
right next to "Family Circus."

No, like Spider-Man and shit,
you know?

There's always a shitload of Star Wars
nerds at those comic-book shows.

So we sell them a Princess Leia
they can really fucking jerk off to.

- That'd be me, Princess Lay-Her.
- Who am I playing?

You, my friend,
are the lead role of Lubed Guy-Baller.

Man, he's gonna be balling dudes?

I thought you said
this was boys on girls.

If I have to fuck a guy, okay,
but I'd rather fuck a girl.

What's wrong with you, boy?

- We'll change the name to Sky-Baller.
- Sky-Baller.

I will be Hung So-low.

Delaney, my friend,
you are On-Ur-Knees Bend-Over.

Man, I can't be in no porno.
My wife will kill me.

Hump me, On-Ur-Knees Bend-Over.
You're my only hump.

On the other hand, fuck my wife.

Unfortunately, On-Ur-Knees Bend-Over
does not have any sex in the movie

but the droids do,
l-CUP and R2-T-Bag.

I robot.

And Stacey over here
is gonna play Darth Vibrator.

- I'm the bad guy?
- She's not a guy, Zack.

I know that
because I'm not a fucking idiot.

In our movie,
Darth Vibrator is a bad girl

who wants to fuck the galaxy,

literally, and it's up to Lubed and Hung
to stop her with their cocks.

- You and me get to have sex, then?
- Yeah.

- Cool.
- I know. Isn't that awesome?

Hold up, hold up. So who's all having
sex with who in this movie?

As of last night,
I was having sex with Zack.

What? Han Solo ain't never had no sex
with Princess Leia in the Star Wars.

ZACK: Guys, this isn't
a literal adaptation here.

It's more of an erotic re-imagining.

Kind of like The Wiz or like a parody.
With lots of anal.

- Cool.
- I know, isn't that awesome?

I have a question, do Princess Lay-Her
and Lubed Sky-Baller have sex?

Uh, no, because
they're brother and sister,

and according to Miri,
brothers and sisters can't fuck.

But you said,
that this wasn't a literal translation,

so that means Lester's character
could have sex with Miri's character.

Because I would love to fucking eat
her ass and fuck her silly in the movie.

Dream on, pal,
it's never gonna happen, okay?

- No, I'm fine with it.
- See, she's fine... Wait, what?

Yep. I mean, everyone else is having
sex with more than one person

in this movie all of a sudden,

so I think it's, you know,
not fair if I'm only fucking you.

Guys, read amongst yourselves, okay?
Can I talk to you for a sec?

Look, Miri,

we got plenty of sex going on in this
thing, you don't have to do that.

Zack, it's fine. I mean I have slept with
way worse-looking guys than Lester.

I just wanna do my part for the movie
like everyone else.

You're having sex in the movie,
you don't need to fuck someone else.

- You're good.
- I'm only fucking you, though.

So don't we need to vary it up
to keep it fair?

Fair for...? I don't... What?
Fair for who?

What are these,
blood diamonds we're talking about?

Fair for everyone else
who is fucking more than one person,

a.k.a. You, in the movie.

- I mean, fine...
- All right. I mean, if you don't care...

I don't fucking care if you fuck him.
Fuck. I don't give a shit.

Like you said, you know,
you've fucked bigger idiots than Lester.

Holy shit. Are we really gonna
shoot this in outer space?

Maybe not bigger idiots.

Thank you.

- Cut. All right, guys, that's it.
- Yeah.

Make sure you leave your costume
so we know they're here for tomorrow.

Mostly, everybody, thank you so much
for helping us get ready, you know.

Cleaning this place out, building the
sets, sewing the costumes, it's just...

I mean, it's really amazing. Thank you.

Seriously, thanks.

But this is just the beginning, guys.
If Star Whores works, and it will,

we are set up for sequels galore.
The Empire Strikes Ass.

- Return of the Brown-Eye.
- The Phantom Man-Ass.

And Revenge of the Shit:
The All-Anal Final Chapter.

- Okay.
- Revenge of the Shit.

- You got it?
- Yeah, no, we got it.


- Fuck you, motherfuckers.
- We'll talk about that one.

We're gonna have a lot of fun,
but more importantly,

we're gonna make
a lot of fucking money, okay?

- Yeah.
- So get ready for greatness, people.

Tomorrow we start
principal photography.

- Whoo!
- Yeah.

- All right, good night, you guys.
- We got a movie.

- What?
- Nothing.

I think someone should acknowledge
how insane and amazing this is

- and it's all because of you.
- I don't know. It's just a porno.

You know what I mean.
You've really come into your own.

Shut the fuck up.

So speaking of coming into things,
ready for tomorrow? Twenty years,

we're finally gonna know what it's like
to have sex with each other.

You say that like
you've been wondering

what it'd be like to sleep with me
for a while now.

Why the fuck do you think
I started hanging out with you?

I knew it. Here, help.

Let's just promise that it's not gonna
change anything between us, okay?

- Like what?
- I don't know.

Some guys
can't keep sex in perspective.

If anyone's gotta keep this
in perspective, it's you, okay?

I don't want you getting all mushy
and gooey on me

after I give you the best orgasm
you've ever had.

Oh, like you know what you're doing
down there at all.

I actually don't. Where's the clitoris?
Is it in your ass?

Just, you know,
make sure you kind of whoop it up

and act like I'm a stud who knows
what he's doing, okay? Just be a pal.

Oh, dude, I am gonna Meryl Streep the
fuck out of this tomorrow, you watch.

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

No. Really, thank you.

For everything.

You're welcome.

Less than 12 hours
and we make Monroeville history.

- I really hope nothing goes wrong.
- It's a movie. What could go wrong?

What are you doing?

DELANEY: What's up?
- What the fuck?

What are you doing?

- What are you doing?
- Wait, wait.

- Wait.
- Stop. Stop.

- No, no, no.
- What the fuck is going on?

Condos is what's going on,
as soon as this shit-hole's demo'd.

No, you gotta stop it right now.

We rented this place for a month
from Mr. Jenkins.

Sounds like your Mr. Jenkins
was full of shit.

Luxury Homesteads
bought this place a month ago.

I'm gonna kill that lying old fuck.

You're gonna have to go Florida,
that's where he moved.

We've got thousands of dollars
of equipment in there.

- Please.
- If you wanna sift through this rubble

when we're done, be my guest.
Hey, get that fucking beam down.

This is the last thing you wanna hear.

If you don't get an advance,

I don't think we're gonna keep
a roof over our heads.

I got an advance already.
It went into all the costumes.

- So all our money's gone?
- All your money?

Never mind what my wife's gonna do
when there ain't no new snow tires,

or when she sees
I charged a video camera.

I'm sorry I dragged you into this, man.

I just wanted to see some free titties.

That's all. But there's no such thing
as free titties, is there, Zack?

- Is there?
- Fuck this noise.

Why don't we get another camera,
and shoot something else?

Where are we gonna do that?
Got another sound stage?

Sound stage? We had a shit-covered
garage we turned into a sound stage.

We find someplace new
and we do it again.


How? Okay, I'm broke, man.

No, make that, I was broke.
Now I am really tapped out.

I have to get another job
to pay Delaney back.

So please tell me,
how can I afford to start over?

- What can I get you?
- Yeah, can I get a, uh...?

Too fucking late. Cappuccino, 3.50.

I don't know
what the fuck I was thinking.

I mean, I'm a total loser
in every single other aspect of my life.

What made me think
I could do something

as simple as filming people fucking?

We have no money left,
nowhere to shoot, no sets,

we have no fucking cameras. Here.

It's time I go back to my regular life

where I am a quiet fuckup
who doesn't cost anybody any money

and knows his goddamn position
behind this fucking counter

making cappuccinos
for this fucking guy.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

What are you doing?

Oh, yeah.


Fuck, yes.



You sneaky Indian motherfucker.
I tell you, yes.

Swallow My Cockuccino.

- What?
- That's it. That's the movie.

Why didn't I think of it before?
We don't need sets or a stage.

Look at all this production value,
waiting to have balls on it.

Hold up. You wanna shoot
a dirty movie here, where we work?


Fuck, yes, I do. You know how many
stories I have from working here?

How many times I've been laid
right there after hours?

You've never gotten laid here
after hours.

I know. Thank you for reminding me.

But I always wish I had,
and that's what porno is. It's fantasy.

It's taking the normal
and making it abnormal by fucking it.

Don't do that.
The little dog don't like that.

How did you get a camera?

By being a terrible, untrustworthy
employee, that's how.

Give me today, I'll bang out a script.
Meet me back here after closing.

We're gonna launch arching ropes of
jism all over this motherfucker. Peace.

I like that guy but if he tries
to fuck that little dog tonight for real,

I'm calling the Humane Society.

It's called Bean-N-Gone,
so get the fuck out of here. Hey, Barry.

ZACK: Stand by, Stace, picture's up.
- Okay.

Roll tape.

Swallow My Cockuccino,
Scene 12, Take 1.

And action.

I'd like a double espresso
so I can stay up all night

because I'm in the mood to fuck.

Well, I am a whore-ista, so I love
to fuck. Would you like to fuck me?

Holy fuck. You mean,
after you're done with your shift?

I mean during my shift.

- Sorry.
- Keep going, keep going.

With your shaft.

Let us fuck.

Cue music.


Okay, open up to camera,
guys. Let us see it.

More tongue.

Little less tongue.

Oh, that was good.


Cue effects.


Oh, yeah, like that.

Oh, yeah.

See, I told you it would work.
Didn't I tell you? It looks amazing.

It's incredible.

Oh, the beans hurt. Easy.

- Move in for coverage.
- Nice.

That's why we got him.

- Nice. I'm impressed.
- Get in there, Deacon.

- Come on.
- Like that? Like that.

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah. Look at that.

- Pull out a bit, actually.
STACEY: That's hot.

No, not you, Lester. Put it back in.

Kiss the muscle.

- I kiss the muscle.
- You kiss the muscle.

- Can he slap her ass a little?
- Don't be a fucking pervert, dude.

- Stir, come on. Stir.
- Yeah, stir it.

Stir it, baby.


- Holy.
- Shit.

Are you guys still open?

No. We close at 9.

I need coffee so I'm drive home.

- Okay. Yeah.
MAN: Thank you.

That's a cute kitty.



- Hey.
- Hey.

You guys see the game? I was at it.

Fucking Roethlisberger,
the quarterback, was all fucking,

"Hug it, chug it, football. All night."

Okay, pal, here you go.
On the house.

- I love you.
- I love you too. Have a good one.

- Yeah, I'll have a cold one.
- I said, have a good one.


- Okay. Keep moving.
MAN: You and your little dog.

Go Steelers.


Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, like that.

Oh, fuck it, chuck it, football.
Oh, yeah.

Oh, God, this is good.


You take it. You take it.
Take it, Barry. Oh, take it.

Take it, Barry. Take it.

I'm disturbed
at how turned on I am by this.

- Shit, dude, it's almost 6.
- Oh, fuck.

Okay, that's a wrap,
everybody, yeah.

Let's give a hand to our hotties
with the bodies from last night.

Stacey, Lester,
Bubbles, Barry, whoo.

ZACK: Nice.

Okay, when we come back tonight,

we finish up the venti-vulva scene, and
then we get into me and Miri's stuff.

Again, amazing first night, everybody.
Thank you so much.

Let us fuck.

- Hey, how'd it look?
- How do you think it looked?

It looked like shit going into other shit,
in focus.

What an artist. That was Kurosawa's
motto. "Shit going into other shit."

Oh, man,
I can't believe you gotta work now.

It's okay. You know, honestly,
I don't think I could sleep.

- I'm pretty, like, pumped up right now.
- Right? It was amazing.

I think the cast and crew
had a good time.

- We were getting great shit.
- Yeah, it was so fun.

I just wanna keep shooting
people boning all day.

I don't think I've ever met
the ambitious Zack Brown before.

- Well, I'm trying to pay the bills, so...
- It's not a bad thing.

I think it looks good on you.

ZACK: Come on, hurry.
Come on, come on, come on.

Wait a minute.

- You guys never did it before?
MIRI: It's fine.

You know, we talked about it
and it's just for the movie.

We're friends, you know,
we're just friends.

And we will always just be
just friends, so...

Listen, I have some extra lube
from last night.

I understand it's kind of hard getting
wet when everyone's watching.

At least it was for Barry.

- I don't know if I am gonna need it.
- Really?

Yeah, I think I'm just excited.


At the idea of people watching,
not because of Zack.

Oh, God. Zack could never have that
effect on me in a million years.

- Hello, Miriam.
- Oh, hey.


- Your face.
- Yeah. Weird, huh?

I don't think I've seen your face
since senior year.

I think I made a mistake.

I did it for you so you wouldn't
get road rash during our scene,

but I should have asked first,
I look like a fucking beluga whale.

I think I'll be going now.



All I keep thinking is
we should've done a trial run

at home last week or something.

- Oh, my God. Right?
- I know.


- You're still cool to do it, though, right?
- Yeah, um. Totally. Are you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, I'm, uh...

- Honestly, I'm a little nervous, I guess.
- You are?

- It's kind of a big deal.
- It is?

Yeah, you know,
it's our first time together

since our auspicious debut
on viral video.

Oh, yeah.

That's a fuckload of pressure
for a director.

As a director, please. What about
the anxiety I'm feeling as an actress?

- Did I pick the right project?
- Yeah. What about this follow-up?

Julia Roberts followed Pretty Woman
with Sleeping With the Enemy.

I'm following Granny Panties
with Swallow My Cockuccino.

Only difference is
this movie's about cock-sucking

and her movie just sucked cock,

- The only difference, yeah.
- The end was pretty rad.

I liked that.

- When she kills him.
- With a gun.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- She calls the cops first.
- She calls it in first.

- It was so awesome.
- Awesome, yeah.

So I guess we should do this.

I think we should probably wait just
until I lose another 20 or 30 pounds.

Stop it. You look good.


So, what about me? How do I look?

I mean, you look beautiful.
You always look so beautiful,

so I guess it's not a big deal,
but you look amazing.

- Okay. Let's go make a porno.
- Okay.

Swallow My Cockuccino,
Scene 8, Take 1.

DEACON: Come here.
- I'm over...?

All right, settle.



Who could it be?

- Hi.
- Hi.

I'm a delivery man
and I have some cream for you.

Wow, that cream looks heavy.
You must be strong.

I work out.

So do you want me
to give you your cream now?

I've been waiting for it all day.

- Fuck. Come on.
- Oops.

Keep going.

I spilled my cream. Do you mind?

I don't mind.
Especially if you spill it on my face.

Let us fuck.


- Fix my shirt. Think I should?
- Okay.

Let me see them titties.

Actually, you know what? Sorry,
I don't think we should show them.

- What?
- We shouldn't show your breasts.

- Aren't you gonna take your shirt off?
- I'm just gonna open it.

You're not gonna take it off? Why not?

My tits are bigger than yours.
I don't wanna show that.

She's not gonna show her tits?
I showed my cock and my asshole.

- Okay, I'll do your pants.
- Back and forth. Okay.

- Holy shit.
- Where's that delivery?

I can't believe this. I was delivering
cream, and look what's happening.

- Jesus, what is that, a rumba?
- What's a rumba?

That awkward movement.

- Should I take your underpants off?
- Yeah, take them off.

ZACK: What the fuck?
How does this work?

They're just like... I'll do it.

- I'll do mine, you just... You do yours.
- I'll do my pants.

Granny panties.

Just get on with it already.

I'm gonna fuck you with my pecker.

Dude, that's really dirty.

- That's too dirty?
- That offends me.

- Penis?
- Fine.

- I'm gonna fuck you with my penis.
- I can't wait.

For my penis.

Be careful, Miri. Okay, there we go.
Just keep rolling, keep rolling.

- I'll walk forward.
- Fucking cream is coming.

This is the worst porno
I've ever seen.

MIRI: Get over here, delivery man.
ZACK: Let's fuck on these beans.


- You okay?
- Yup.

ZACK: Okay, all right.
- Just leave them. Just leave them.

- They're really distracting.
- You should leave them.

- You gotta get your... There you go.
ZACK: Okay, okay.

- Okay, okay.
- Okay. This okay?


Okay, uh.

- We'll start kissing on three, okay?
- Okay.

One, two, three. Go.

I'm ready.

- I'm ready.
- Okay.


- Deacon. Deacon.
- What?

Did you see Lost this week, man?
I missed it. What happened?

They're on the island, off the island.
Who can follow that?

I think they're in hell.

Would you all shut the motherfuck up?


I want you to come.

- I want you to come with me.
- Okay.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.


That's it? It's over? Ain't he
supposed to come on her titties?

Well, it wasn't what we'd shot-listed,
but that was nice.

- It was so romantic.
- Way to fuck, Zack.

Thanks, Lester, uh.

It wasn't just me, though, guys. Give
it up for my radiant costar here, Miri.


- Um, show's over in here.

Let's move out,
start lighting the next scene.

- All right.
LESTER: Let's do it.

BUBBLES: You looked so beautiful.
- Thanks.

DELANEY: I thought they were gonna
be fucking hard.

- It was pretty.
DELANEY: Pretty don't sell.

- Good job.
- Thanks.

You good, Mir? You need anything?

I'm just gonna take a minute, okay?

Okay, uh. I'll just be out there.


- That was fun.
- Yeah, fun.

"Fun." You fucking douche.



- Hey.
ZACK: Hey.

- You working on a rewrite?
- Yeah, just for tonight's scene.

- I'm ready to go when you are, though.
- Okay.

You know, before we go, I...
I'm thinking that, uh, it's a good idea

if we talk about
what happened last night.

- Oh.
- I mean, we don't have to, but I think...

Okay, yeah, uh.

I kind of dropped the ball on that,
I guess, huh?

- No, no. It's...
- To be honest, it was...

You know, I didn't realize
how weird it would be for me.

Weird? Like... Weird how?

Acting and directing at the same time.
It's a lot to process, you know.

For the first time, I thought my balls
didn't have enough hair on them.

That's not what I meant.

I know what you meant.

How you feeling about it?

I guess, um...

I feel like...

Like we...

- Holy fuck.
- The power's on. Did you do this?

ZACK: How did this happen?
I burned the bills.

How could we have done that?

- The water.
- The water.

Come on, come on, come on.


- We can shower in our home again.
- We are liquid.



Have you heard the good news about
our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?

Oh, my God, did you guys do this?

We got tired of you taking showers
at our places all the time.

So we took up a collection
amongst ourselves.

And chipped away
at your mountain of debt.

You guys paid off
our massive utilities bills?

- How did you afford that?
- I stole my old lady's bingo winnings.

And Mistress Bubbles
did a bachelor party tonight

at which yours truly was a guest star,
thank you very much.

- Oh.
- Whoa.

Don't get too excited. We didn't pay off
your whole bill. Just a month of each.

They agreed
to turn everything back on?

At 9 at night? How does that work?

Stacey knows somebody
that works at Power and Light.

- You guys...
- This is amazing.

You didn't have to do this.

You didn't have to put us
in your movie.

- Or let us shoot it.
- Or produce it.

- Or put us in your movie either.
- We said that already.

Guys, honestly,
I don't know what to say.

You can start by saying
we can take tonight off

so we can have our wrap party
right now.

Guys, we're not wrapped.
We still have four days of shooting left.

Excuse me.
In my "producorial" capacity,

I'm shutting the movie down for a night
so we can get a little silly.




Go, go, go.

Go, go, go.

- Yes.
- Yes.


You all drink.

Was it just amazing with him,
after all those years of not knowing?

It was, um, weird.

- But good.
- My scene with Zack's tomorrow.

You don't say.

But I'm a little nervous. I was thinking
about trying to get with him tonight.

- Really?
- I mean, if you don't mind.

You are just friends and all,
so I didn't think it would be a biggie.

- It wouldn't be a biggie, would it?
- No.

No, no. It's not a biggie. What? No.

Are you sure?

Yeah. Stacey,
I'm not married to the guy, so...

I don't know. You guys just looked
kind of intimate last night.

- We did?
- Yeah.

Well, we're just better actors than
I thought, I think, so you know what?

If you wanna get with him,
you should just go ask him.

- He'd be really excited to hear that.
- Yeah? For real, you don't mind?

- Yeah.
- Cool.

All the quarters are on the ground.

ZACK: Hey, Stace.
- Hey, Zack.


DEACON: Come on,
are you guys playing or what?


Well, I'm bummed, but I totally get it.

It's no problem to work
with Lester again. He has a nice cock.

Well, you're a trouper, Stace.

Oh, but if I start making weird faces
or anything during the scene,

it's just because
I've been constipated all day.

Oh, shit, uh. We don't have
to shoot the scene tonight.

No, I want to. Anal's great
for when you're constipated.

It totally loosens you up.

I use ex-lax, but good to know.

Okay, I never thought
I would have that conversation.

So are we starting
with Lester and Stacey tonight?

We were supposed to start
with Lester and Miri.

I know. She... We're not gonna do that.
I don't think Miri's gonna...


Hey. So where are we shooting this?
Over here?

- What are you doing here?
- Me and Lester.

Our scene's tonight, right?

Can I talk to you for a minute
in the back?

- Sure.
- Thanks.

What do you want me to shoot here?

Start with the close-ups of Lester
and Stacey. Give me a second, man.

What an artist.

Okay, uh. Did I do something
wrong to you?


Then why are you here?

I'm here for the same reason
you're here. To make the movie.

Okay, just, like,
for your own personal information,

you're acting really weird right now.

I'm acting weird?
I think you're acting weird right now.

Oh, I'm acting...
How exactly am I acting weird?

You've been trying to keep me
from fucking anybody but you

since we started this thing.

Maybe I was thinking
about your feelings.

Were you thinking of my feelings
when you were banging Stacey?

Because that'd be really sad
for Stacey.

She told me that you told her that
that was okay.

I told her that it was okay to ask you.

Holy shit. I get it. I fucking get it.

It was a test. That whole thing
was a fucking test, is that it?

If it was, how do you think you did?

We had a discussion, Miri.

We had... Actually, we had many
discussions about how it was just sex

- and how we wouldn't let it get weird.
- I'm not acting weird.

You're acting like a jealous girlfriend
is what the fuck you're acting like.

- I am not your girlfriend.
- I know that.

You're not my boyfriend, so why are
we having this conversation right now?

Because you're about to fuck Lester
to spite me, it seems like.

Did you fuck Stacey to spite me? No.

You fucked her
like you fucked every other bitch

and never gave a shit
how I felt about it.

- Well, that was before.
- Before what?

Look, don't fucking pretend that the
other night, you and me, right there,

that that didn't mean anything to you,
that you didn't feel it too.

Oh. You're not getting all gooey
on me here, are you, Zack?

You know what?

If you were any other bitch
I didn't give a rat's ass about,

I would tell you
to go fuck yourself right now

because I fucking hate
this game-playing shit.

But you,
you mean more to me than that,

so I'm just gonna lay this out
on front street.

I know you felt something big,
something real the other night

when we were together
because I felt it too.

We tried to fuck and instead,
we wound up making love.

So if this is what you need to hear in
order to keep you from fucking Lester,

if this is what you need, then fine.
Here it is, I'm gonna say it.

I love you, Miri.


Oh, Jesus.

You better get ahold of yourself, Zack,
because we just fucked.


What if I didn't fuck Stacey?

But you did.

You know what?
I don't fucking give a shit.


All right, don't forget I'm down here.
Watch that pullout, huh?


This is some damn good coffee.

- Where you going?
- Getting the fuck out of here.

We gotta finish this movie.




You believe this shit?

Do you believe this shit?

What the fuck just happened
in there?

I'll tell you what just happened in there.

That chick frosted me
like I was a fucking cake.


TEEN 1: Okay, seriously,
get a picture of me right now.

I'm hunting humans.

- Dude, check it out. Ooh.
- Oh, shit.

let's shoot the shit out of this bitch.

- Where you aiming at?
- Cock shots?

Cock shots.



We shot you in the balls, cunt nugget.

Well, it's my job to get shot in the balls,
so... Oh, they're gone.

Excuse me.

Didn't you used to work at
the Bean-N-Gone in Monroeville?

I sure as shit hope this pays better,
I tell you.


So why don't they just shoot you
with a puck?

What do you mean?

I mean, what does paintball
got to do with hockey?

Nothing, I guess.

- So ain't no prizes or...?
- No, no.

So, what are they paying $5 for?

To shoot a Broad Street Bully
in the balls.

White people are fucked up.

Yup, they sure are.

It's a living. You've been getting
the checks I've been sending?

Yes, thank you very much.
I appreciate that.

Probably didn't save you from a
brutal tongue-lashing, though, huh?

You know, the wife
never found out about the camera,

because I paid off the bills.

How did you manage that?

- Because now I'm Oprah rich.
- No way.

- The post office fucking settled?
- Hundred-sixty large, son.

- Nice, man. Congratulations.
- A beautiful day, thank you very much.

I thought
you made that whole thing up.

No, no. It was very real.

You can believe it.

Even though she's spending all of it.

Well, since you ain't gonna ask me,
I'll just go ahead and tell you.

- No, I have not seen Miri.
- I wasn't gonna ask that.

Oh, I suppose you weren't gonna ask
about your movie, neither?

Look, that's why I came down here.
I need you to come take a look at it.

- I'm not interested. Sorry.
- You'd better get interested

- because you still owe me money.
- What's wrong with the movie?

The story doesn't make sense.

- The story?
- The story doesn't make sense.

It's a fucking porno movie, man.
What story?

It's a movie, dog,
and a movie's gotta have an ending,

which we don't have at the moment.

Come shot, credits.
There's your fucking ending.

Do me this favor, okay?

When you're done
getting your nuts blown off,

come back to humble Monroeville
to my crib for a couple hours,

check out the flick,
you tell me what's missing.


I'll tell you what, you do that,
you don't owe me shit no more.

- Really?
- Really.

- Is your wife home?
- Yes.

- Maybe I should leave the pads on.
- You got some extra ones?

Hey, honey.

Where the fuck you been?
And who in the fuck is this now?

Would you calm down, woman?

You already left one white boy
down in my basement

while you off gallivanting and shit.
What if this motherfucker

- was all grabby on me?
- Ain't nobody wanna grab on you.

Oh, what in the fuck
is that supposed to mean?

- Ain't nobody wanna grab on you.
WIFE: White boys love me.

White boy.

- I said, white boy.
- Yeah?

You'd fuck me, wouldn't you?

- Should I say yes?
- Just say yes.


- Why don't you, uh, head downstairs?
- Oh, okay.

It's just through this hallway.

- Nice to meet you.
- You too.

What the fuck you looking at?

Why you gotta be yelling at me
in front of my director?

- Oh, he's a director?
- Yeah.

I didn't know that.
Shit, he's a director.

Well, why don't he direct my ass to a
new husband? How about that shit?

- That's the bedroom.
DELANEY: Keep talking, maybe he will.

Oh, don't nobody
want them saggy-ass balls!

Saggy balls? Look at these
sagging-ass titties you got around here.

- You could tie these together.
- Motherfucker, we match.

Oh, shit.

Where's my paintball gun at?

Look at you, editor and DP.
You got your shit covered, man.

Please, don't ever say "shit-covered"
to me again.

Roll the film for the man, please,
so we can see what he thinks.

Just jump through it. I ain't
got all night. The bitch is on me.

"Nigga Rich Productions." Classy.

- Yeah, DreamWorks was taken.
- Was it?

Plus, it sounds like an underground
gay fuck club.

"I met a guy at DreamWorks." Yeah.

All right, so we got
Lester and Stacey fucking.

Then we got
Barry and Bubbles fucking.

And then this boring bullshit.

Okay, just, uh, go to the next scene,
would you?


- What next scene?
- The one with Miri and Lester?

We never shot it.

- Why not?
- Because after you left that night,

Miri came out of the backroom
and said she couldn't do it.

- We wrapped after that.
- Wrapped? So...

- Wait, so Miri...
- Never fucked nobody.

Just you.

Now, I wonder why she did that.

- Hm.
- Hm.

You see, there was a time when I was
just a bitter old fuck making coffees,

and Stacey was just a lap dancer

and Barry and Bubbles
didn't know each other

and this fool here,
hell, I don't even know what he was.

- A white supremacist.
- Man, fuck you.

Then two people come along

and showed us something
we didn't know existed.

A world of possibilities
where plain old people just like us

could do something special.

Even if it's something as simple
as filming people fucking.

Sometimes we just need someone

to show us something
we can't see for ourselves

and then we're changed forever.

So as you can see,
our movie ain't got no ending.

Every movie needs an ending,
don't it?


you're a slick cupid motherfucker.

Ain't love grand?

WIFE: Why the fuck is this white boy
running through my goddamn house?




- Miri.
MIRI: Zack?

ZACK: Miri. I'm sorry.
MIRI: Get out.

- Close the door.
- It was closed.

- It was closed over...
- Just close the fucking door, Zack.

I never slept with Stacey that night,
okay? I swear to God.

When we got into my room,
you know what we did?

We talked about you, and us
and how things were different

and how I was
too much of a fucking pussy

to just tell you how I felt about you.

And I know... I know that that's only
because of all the stupid shit we said

about how we wouldn't let sex
change us, but it did. It changed me.

That has to be love, right?

It has to be love

and just so you know, I can't go back
to being just friends anymore,

- because I just can't.
- Good.

And I think...

I think that you feel the same way.

Because that night after I left,
you didn't fuck Lester.

What's up, Zack?

You know what?

I don't care that you're fucking
Lester, okay? How's that?

- Oh, shit.
- I don't wanna be with anyone but you.

So I will wait forever for you, okay?
I will wait the rest of my life

because I love you, and I have
for as long as I can remember.

And I would rather die
than be without you, Miriam Linky.

Miri's last name is Linky?

You're gonna fuck a guy
who doesn't know your last name?

Or that you beat up Carl Roth
in the sixth grade? I know that.

Or what your senior prom dress
would've looked like had we gone

but we decided not to,
and we got drunk alone instead.

Or that you washed your hair
in the toilet.

We're not fucking, Zack.

Or that you're not fucking Zack...

I asked her to fuck me.
She wouldn't do it.

I even tried to talk her into giving me
the fucking Dutch rudder.

Shot me down on that too.

- And a Dutch rudder is?
- Don't know what a Dutch rudder...?

All right, you grab your dick,

then you have someone else
work your arm.

Here, let me show you.

All right, grab my arm. I'm grabbing
my dick, you're grabbing my arm.

Now work it. Work my arm.
See that shit? Work it up and down.

It's like someone else
is jerking you off.


There's the double Dutch rudder,

which, I grab my dick,
you grab your dick,

you work my arm, I work your arm,
same time.

It's like jerking off together
but not gay.

We're not touching dicks,
each other's dicks anyway.

I'm touching my own dick.
You're working it, and I'm loving it.

It feels good, sir. Try me, come on.

Sorry to change the subject on you,

but if you're not fucking Miri,
why is your dick out right now?

Because I live here now,
and I like to be naked.

- What?
- When you moved out,

she couldn't afford to pay her rent
by herself, so I moved in to help.

But you just came out of her room.

That's my room now.
She moved in your old room.

Wait, wait, wait. She changed rooms?

Yeah, she said she did it because she
missed the smell of you or some shit.


I don't smell anything.

But you know what?
That probably means she loves you.

- Night, Zack.
- Night.

Do you?

Then why are you crying?

Because I missed you so much.

Me too.

I love you.

- I love you, I love you.
ZACK: I love you.

I don't mean to alarm you

but I think I just jerked off Lester
a little bit.

- The Dutch rudder?
- Yeah, it's ingenious, right?

If you ask me nicely, I will
Dutch-rudder you the rest of our lives.

Good. I'm getting tired
of fucking the Fleshlight.

- You fucked it?
- Yeah.

- What'd it feel like?
- Like fucking a flashlight.

LESTER: Wrong room.
- Oh, God. That's gross.

Let us fuck.

Welcome to Nigga Rich Productions,

home of
Zack and Miri Make Your Porno,

the production house for the couple

looking to put a little spice
in their sex life.

- Shall we take a look around?
- Fuck me so hard. Oh, God.

First, you'll meet for a consultation
with one of our romance-ologists,

who'll coach you
through that initial awkward stage

before you're camera-ready.

So we will start off
with some erotic massage and some...

Dude. Some light petting.

That sounds good.

Are you guys sure you don't wanna do
some, uh, butt-sack work too?

- Uh, let's move on, shall we?
- Why?

- Uh, let's move on, shall we?
- Why?

ANNOUNCER: From their break-out hit,
Swallow My Cockuccino,

to the multi-million selling
Swallow My Cockuccino II

and the award-winning
Star Whores saga,

including Revenge of the Shit:
The All-Anal Final Chapter,

Zack and Miri have proven
time and again

that they know how to shoot hot sex.

As an actor, I've sometimes brought
my work home with me inappropriately.

When you're telling your real-life lover
in the bedroom,

to, you know, bend over
while you cake your hand in K-Y,

it is a sign that the romance is dead,
I think.

Then we turned to the professionals
at Zack and Miri Make Your Porno.

Oh, my God,
they totally saved our civil union.

They filmed what was inside of us

and not what was coming out of us

It helped me see his asshole

as not just a come Dumpster,

but a sign of his beauty, his flower.

It became a, uh, gorgeous orchid.

Orchids grow
in sort of the filthiest conditions.

That's what his asshole became to me.
This beautiful flower amidst shit.

- Honey, they get the metaphor.
- I don't think they do.

Let's just say,
thank you to Zack and Miri.

It's helped us out,
it's helped our friends.

Enrique? Park?

Park? Enrique?

Can we get a little love
for Zack and Miri?

They don't even know what's going on,
they're so pilled up.

But don't take his word for it.
Just ask our co-founders.

- Hi. I'm Miri Linky Brown.
- I'm Zack Linky Brown.

Here at Zack and Miri
Make Your Porno, we're dedicated

- to committing your love...
- Or lust.

- To high-end, quality production
digital video.

A forever keepsake of your passion.

That's right, Miri. Why set up a camera
at the end of your bed

and settle for one unflattering angle,

when you could let the professionals
dazzle and delight your senses

with an array of shots
so masterfully rendered

you'll swear
Martin Scorsese snuck into your room

and caught you fucking?

And remember,
we're not just the presidents

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We're also clients.

Call now to set up your appointment

or find us on the web

Way to fuck, Zack.

Special thanks to SergeiK.