The Addams Family Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the The Addams Family script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Raul Julia and Christina Ricci movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of The Addams Family. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

The Addams Family Script



~ Merry, merry, merry Christmas ~



~ Dong what they send,

dong without end ~



~ Their joyful tone to every home ~



~ Dong what they send,

dong without end ~



~ Their joyful tone to every home ~



~ Ding dong, ding dong ~~



~ La-la la la la ~



~ Fa la-la la la ~



~ Deck the halls

with boughs of holly ~



~ Fa la la la-la ~



~ La-la la la ~



~ 'Tis the season to be jolly ~



~ Fa la la la-la ~



~ La-la la la ~



~ Don we now our gay apparel ~



~ Fa la la la la-la ~



~ La la la ~



~ Troll the ancient yuletide carol ~



~ Fa la la la-la ~



~ La-la la la ~



~ Fa la la la

La-la la la la ~



~ Fa la la la-la

Fa la la-la la la ~



~ La la-la la la ~



~ La-la la

La-la la la ~



~ Ooh ooh ooh ooh

Ooh ooh ooh ooh ~



~ Ooh ooh ooh

Ooh-ooh ooh ooh ooh ~



~ Fa la la la la

La-la la la la ~



~ Fa la-la la la

Fa la-la la la ~~



[Fingers Snap]



[Snap Snap]




The Addams Family Theme]



[Snap Snap]



[Snap Snap]



[Clock Chimes]



























Think of it, Thing.



For    years,



we've attempted

to contact Fester



in the great beyond,



and for    years...






I'm beginning to think



my brother truly is lost.



Don't be a baby.



I know what I'm doing.



[Muffled Moans]



Help me.



Look at her.



I would die for her.



I would kill for her.



Either way, what bliss.



Unhappy, darling?



Oh, yes.



Yes, completely.









Il me perce comme unpoignard.



Oh, Tish.



That's French.






Cara mia.



En garde, Monsieur Soleil!









Last night you were unhinged.



You were like some

desperate howling demon.



You frightened me.



Do it again.






Thank you, Lurch.












Damn you, Addams!



Sorry about the window, Judge.



Keep the ball.



I have a whole bucketful.



You moron!



It is a milestone, Tish.



This very night, our   th seance.



All those years gnawed by guilt...



undone by woe...



burning with uncertainty.



Don't torture yourself, Gomez.



That's my job.



Oh, Tish.



Imagine, darling,

if Fester did come back...



half alive... barely human,



a rotting shell.



Don't tease.






Stop it!



I'm warning you.



Look, darling. Tully is here.









Romping with Gate.



These are your

last paying clients,



may I remind you?



If it gives you pleasure.



Something has to,



like a decent coat,



something dressy for evening.



Ask for a loan-- beg.



No loans. I am not a bum.



Don't say it.



I'll get the money.

I have a plan.



This is all so humiliating.



Why did I marry you?



Because I said yes.



I'm here to see Mrs. Addams



about the charity auction.






Stop it! Let go of me!



Ah, missed!



What's that?



Dirty pool, old man.



I like it.



Had enough?






Where's my pen?



Never mind.



I'll take yours.



First, the old business.



Charity auction.

It's ridiculous.



Perhaps it's in here.



I don't think so.



"Uncle Niknak's winter wardrobe."



"Uncle Niknak's summer wardrobe."



"Uncle Niknak."



"The Fester Addams

offshore retirement fund"?



What would it do?



What wouldn't it do?



Fester, all tribute to thee.



Some called him inhumanly evil.






Only our parents.



I called him brother.



His memory must live on

forever... through money.



I'm depositing the funds

under my name for tax purposes.



That's inspired.



He would've wanted it that way.



Beloved Fester.






For Fester!



For Fester, a brother.



My brother!



One of a kind!



- The doctors all said!

- Kind to animals.



So good with children.



They never proved anything.



$  million is the perfect amount.



It's brilliant.



It's untraceable.



But, Tully,

it's not old business.



It's going to have to wait.

You know the rules better than that.



This is different.

This is in my name.



Make an exception.



Old business is old business.



This is new business,



and we do not discuss

new business until...



next quarter.



Next quarter?



Next quarter?



Fine lunge,



but your riposte--

tsk tsk tsk,



a tad rusty.



Make yourself comfortable, old man,



while I get the money

for the monthly expenses.



[Snap Snap Snap]



There it is.



Just what we've been searching for.



Thank you, Thing.



My God.



What is it?



A finger trap from

the court of Emperor Wu.



It must be worth a fortune.



Ooh, Morticia.



This is too extravagant...



even for the auction.



Let's keep it.



Hush, Mama.



It's for charity.



Widows and orphans.



We need more of them.









About the seance tonight.



I wish you'd come.



It's Gomez.



I'm terribly worried about him.



He won't eat.



He can't sleep.



He keeps coughing up blood.



He coughs up blood?



Well, not like he used to.






Down, kitty!












The monthly expenses.






Miss Bradbury.



Miss Bradbury!



She's gone home, Mr. Alford.



Oh, Mrs. Craven.



I wasjust about to call you.



I'm certain you were.



You haven't met my son Gordon,



have you, Mr. Alford?






Is this the one, Mother?



That deadbeat you mentioned?



No, w-wait. Wait, wait, wait.



Hold on. Hold on.



Hold on. You have to listen to me.



Do we, Mr. Alford? And why?






Hear me out!



Hear me out!






Please! Ah!



Your call, Mother.



Gordon and I enjoy

a very special relationship.



She's a pip!



Refreshing, no? Down, Gordon.



- Mother.

- Gordon.









We've lent you

a considerable sum,



many thousands of dollars.



Payment due.



I don't have the money.

I've tried everything.



Oh, Gordon, I want to believe him.



So do I.



Make me proud.



No, no, no, no, no.



He lied to us, Mother.



It's not what you think.



Those are doubloons

for the Addams account.



- Addams?

- There's a fortune.



But nobody can get to it.

I've tried.



Have you?



Have you tried hard enough?



Ask him, sweetheart.



No, no, no, sweetheart.

Don't ask.









It's a miserable night.



I know, darling.



Seance weather.



Children, we're starting!



Put down that antenna.






It's unbelievable.



This hideous creature

and my little boy.



They could be twins.



But they're his family. What makes

you think they'll fall for it?



You shave your head.

We dress you up. No problem.



They'll think he's Fester,



their long-lost brother.



I hope so, for your sake.



I've been the Addams lawyer




They're morons.






What about the gold?



- They got this vault.

- Where?



I'm not sure.



That's a problem.



Fester's been missing for    years.



He and Gomez had a fight.



Gomez feels

incredibly guilty about it.



He'll tell you anything. Just ask.



It's foolproof.



It had better be. Now, get out.



It's going to be great.



You're gonna get back all

the money I owe you and--and more.



You'll see. Really.



This is it, Mother.



The one we've been waiting for.



No more loan sharking,



no more storefront scams.



I get the gold, and we're gone.



And Tully takes the rap.



Gordon, it's brilliant.



No, not Gordon.



Of course not.






Big night for you guys,

eh, small fry?



Hello, sweetheart.



Could you?






Thank God.



Welcome, honored guests.






[Playing Music By Bach]



Sing, O spirits.



Harken all souls.



Every year on this date,



we offer a clarion call

to Fester Addams.



Stop it.












From generation to generation,



our beacon to the beyond.



All close eyes and join hands.



Ow! What a grip! Ow!



Oh, my hand.



Ohh! My hand!



She's got my hand!















Excuse me.



O.K., pumpkin, sit down.

Join the fun.



Mama, you should know better.



Thing, you're a handful.






Let us ransom you



from the power of the grave.



Tonight, O Death,

let us be your plague.






Fester Addams,



ceoli couris,



ferimani bo--



I feel that he's near.



Fester Addams...



gather your strength...



and knock three times.



[Knock Knock Knock]



Did you hear that?



Ask again, Mama, quickly.



- By all means.

- Ask, ask.



Fester Addams,

I demand that you knock again.












He's at the door!



- Could it be?

- Is it him?



- Is it possible?

- Oh, my God.









[Heavy German Accent]

Good evening.



I am Dr. Pinder-Schloss.






He was found in Miami,



tangled in a tuna net.



It was just last month



during the Hurricane Helga.



The sky,

it was black like pitch.



The waves, they were walls of doom.



Can you imagine?



They drag him from the ocean,



from the very jaws ofoblivion.



I'm telling you.



There were tests,

so many tests.



A complete psychological profile.



At long last,



the Florida Department

of the Fish and the Game,



they say, lo and behold,



oh, my, oh, my, oh, my...



go tell it on the mountains,



he is your brother.






Boom! They give him to me

at Human Services,



and I am bringing him,

after all these years,



after who knows

what heartache,



after the naked and the dead,



I am bringing him home to you.



That's preposterous.



Isn't that the most ridiculous thing

you've ever heard?



It certainly is.






Now you're back.



Yes, back.



Back to share your joys,

your sorrows--



Hey, everything.



I just don't know.



How does this work, again?



An infant would understand.



Ha ha!



Fester Addams...



home at long last.



Well, at least for a week.



A week?



Don't be ridiculous.

You're home.



Sorry, but I have to get back.



Got a lot of things cooking

in the Bermuda Triangle.



Oh, Gomez.



The Bermuda Triangle.



Devil's Island.



The black hole of Calcutta.



Excuse us.



Second honeymoon.







Dr. Pinder-Schloss,



will you be staying with us, too?



No, no. I must be going.



But I will be back, you can bet,



to be checking

on Fester's adjustment.






Nobody gets out

of the Bermuda Triangle,



not even for a vacation.



Everyone knows that.



Oh, my little bundle.



So much you don't understand.



The human spirit,

it is a hard thing to kill.



Even with a chain saw.






Let me.



It's all right. I can do it.















as if we'd run out.



Good night.



Nosy little brat.



[Door Creaks Closed]






Who's there?












Aah! Aah! Aah!



My own dear brother.



I've got goose bumps.



I know.



Screams in the night...



It can only mean one thing.






He's home.






Please! Please!



Leave me alone!






Damn, it's good to have you back.



Let's go.



Two out of three?



Ha ha ha ha ha!



Home cooking!



There's nothing like it

in the world.



May I have the salt?



What do we say?






What is this?



Mama's specialite de la maison.



Oh, Tish.



Start with the eyes.



Did you sleep well?



Like the dead.



Really? Who would have

thought the Bermuda Triangle



could change a man so much?



You used to toss and turn all night.



We had to chain you to the bedpost.



Doesn't make sense.



[Lurch Groans]



The Bermuda Triangle is a very

strange and mysterious place.



You'd be surprised at all

the things you don't know.



[Fire Hisses]



She certainly would.



Wednesday adores

the Bermuda Triangle.



She studies it.



Death at sea--

She's hooked.



Ask me anything.



Being in my old room

sure brings back memories.



Remember Camp Custer?



For preteen offenders.






Aren't memories precious?



Today I'd like to wander

through the house... remembering.



No, no. Sorry, old man,

no wandering today.



Today we're going

straight to the vault.



[Truck Horn Honks]



[Brakes Squeal]



[Car Horn Honks]



[Loud Crash]



Bravo, Pugsley!






I feel like we're children again.



Tag. You're it!






~ Playmate, come out

and play with me ~



~ And bring your dollies three ~



~ Climb up my apple tree ~



~ Look down my rain barrel ~



~ Slide down my cellar door ~



~ And we'll be jolly friends ~



~ Forevermore ~~












Smell that air, Fester.






Like a tomb.



Tutti a bordo, fratello mio.



The sea-- your second home.




Ship ahoy.



[Italian Music Plays]



[Singing O Sole Mio]



Do you think that's

really Uncle Fester?



Father says so,

but I think Mother isn't sure.



Pugsley, sit in the chair.



- Why?

- So we can play a game.



What game?



It's called...



Is There A God?



[Singing In Italian]



The vault!



Ha ha!



  to the right.



   to the left.



And then around to...



Uh...  .









Eyes, fingers, toes.



So many years.



Welcome back.






Our secret place.



Sanctus sanctorum.



If these walls

could speak, eh, old man?



What, uh,

what would they say?



You tell me.



You first.






Senior partner.



Junior spaceman.



First a brandy. Do the honors.



I've got a real treat in store.



Where is it,

you ridiculous imbecile?



[Humming O Sole Mio]












Show time!






The debutante ball.



Remember that fateful night?



Of course.



Your first cigar.



What? Come on.

I've smoked since I was  .



Mother insisted.



Flora and Fauna.



Quite the pair, eh, Gomez?



Can you ever forgive me?






I didn't love them,

yet I wooed them both



out of foolish pride.



You were so dashing, you could

have any woman you wanted,



dead or alive.



I was jealous.



Insanely jealous.



I admit that now.



But I did not mean to drive you off.



Not to the Bermuda Triangle.



Water under the bridge.



Forgiven. Forgotten.



Come on. Say it.



Say the secret password.



The password? I...



Come on. Stop fooling.

You remember.






I'm choking. Please.



You forgot our secret password,



the word we used

a hundred times a day,



our special private name

for each other?



That was a long time ago

when we were children.



You almost killed me,

you demented freak.



Poor devil, what did they do

to you in that Bermuda Triangle?



But if he's not Uncle Fester,

then who is he?



Somebody else.



It has to warm up.






So it can kill you.



I knew that.



Children, what are you doing?



I'm going to electrocute him.



But we're late

for the charity auction.



But, Mother...



I said no.






Oh, all right.



This magnificent piece

is encrusted with rubies



and    emerald chips.



Uh, it was donated by

Morticia and Gomez Addams.



Remember, this year,

over half our proceeds



will benefit the elderly



and the mentally disabled.



I'll open the bidding at $    .



 ? Hah! Not good enough.



$     .



What are they doing?



I have   .



-   .

-   .



Cara mia?






Mon sauvage.






Eres divina.






I have $     .



Your turn, my ecstasy.



      going once.

      going twice.



Sold to Morticia Addams for $     .



[Ecstatic Moaning]



Isn't it too enchanting?



How do you take it off?



There's a trick to it...



of course.



[Train Whistle]



"How do you take it off?"

That's absurd.



That finger trap

was a party favor



at his   th birthday.



Oh, no.



Father's playing with his trains.



He wore that finger trap

for two years.



Mother had to teach him

to eat with his feet.



And the combination

and the password



and my cigar,

and he slept so well.



He's using the diesel.



The covered bridge.



Dead man's curve.






[Whistle Blows]






[Maniacal Laughing]






It's all about

Uncle Fester, isn't it?



Spirits above me,

give me a sign.



Shall I be joyous,

or shall I be damned?



[Loud Explosion]



Sleepless night?



Walk with me, Fester.



Aunt LaBorgia.



Executed by a firing squad.



Cousin Fledge.



Torn limb from limb

by four wild horses.



And darling Uncle Eimar.



Buried alive.









mad-dog killers.



Brutes, Fester.






Lest we forget.



Your beloved Muerto.



After you left,

he was simply a different vulture.



He wouldn't circle.



He wouldn't peck.



That's how much

you mean to this family.



Mother and Father Addams.



How I wish the children



could have known them better,



but tell that to an angry mob.



And our credo,



"Sic gorgiamus allos

subjectatos nunc."



We gladly feast on those

who would subdue us.



Not just pretty words.



As an Addams,



you understand completely,

don't you?



As an Addams...



yes, I do.



Good night, Fester.



Rest in peace.



They're on to me, Mother.

I'm almost sure.



Of course I tried. I still can't

find it. You gotta get over here.



"Arsenic, cyanide"--




Don't say that.



You know I do.






His trains are everywhere.



The children are beside themselves.



Is that for your brother?



I don't think so.



This can't go on.



How can I help him?

Tell me, Mama.



Troubled husbands.






Oh, no.



Uh, financial, money troubles?






"Turned into toad or reptile."



Is there an index?






They know I'm a fraud.



The whole bunch.



It's not going to work.



Who knows? Gomez,

that overheated moron?



He's no moron.

He's Fester's brother.



They had some

awful fight years ago.



He's suspicious.

They all are. I can tell.



Really? Well,

thank God I came over here.



I will counsel

the troubled family,



ease their distress.



It's my calling,

remember, Gordon?






[German Accent]

I'm a doctor.



Why don't you speak

to Fester, darling?



He's right outside the door.



I would speak with Fester

if that were Fester,



but that is not.

That's an impostor.



An impostore!



A charlatan! A sham!



A counterfeit.









O villain, villain,

smiling, damned villain.



Who calls me a villain,

breaks my pate across,



cuts off my beard,

and blows it in my face?



If I must strike you dead,

I will.















No, no, no, no, no, no.



Give me that sword.



Haven't you ever

slaughtered anyone?



He's only a child.



No excuse.



Aim for a major artery.



The jugular.



A faker!



A phony!



An utter fraud!



A base, deceitful--



Mr. Addams!



I believe I am understanding.



I can help, yes?



The theory of displacement--



Is this familiar?



No. Tish?



Oh, it is too exciting.



I will explain.



Is it unpleasant?






Your very own brother,

you drive him away.



"Go! Off with you!"



But then you are feeling



the little black monster.






Guilt. Yes?



Your brother returns.

You feel guilty.



You displace.



I do?



The feelings

in your brain cells,



they bubble and collide.



You suspect things.



You love him,

but you resent him.



Love. Hate.



Hate. Love.



Like for Mama. No?



I didn't hate my mother.

It was an accident.



It's a very common psychosis.

I'm seeing it every day.



Lucky doctor.



Displacement. How bizarre.



And here I thought

Fester was the problem.



He's sullen.



- He's furtive.

- Backstabbing.



- He sulks.

- I suspect him.



- You're unbalanced.

- And I hate him.



By God, you're right!

He is Fester!



Thankyou, Dr. Pinder-Schloss.



I do what I can.



You see, children,

there's lots to learn.









Uncle Fester,

how do you know so much?



I've been around.

I pick things up.



In the Bermuda Triangle?



Look, children,

a new chapter.



- "Scabs."

- "Scabs."



Three parts dynamite

with a nitroglycerin cap.



It's perfect for

small holes, carports,



and toolsheds.






Everyone will be at the

children's play tonight, correct?



Oh, yes,

I've been working with them.



It's going to be fun.






Is that what

we're here for, fun?



Oh, darling, forgive me.



See what they've driven me to?



I've raised a hand to my child,



my reason for living.



You can't go to the play.



But the kids...



The house will be deserted.

The vault will be ours.



But, Mother...



Can you hear it, my treasure?



My heartbeat.

It beats only for you.



Listen closely. It says,

"Gordon, I love you.



Gordon, the vault."



I do hear it.



Soon we'll have the money,



and we'll be far from here.



Loving mother...



grateful son.






Ah, there you are, at last.



What a fool I was to doubt you.



Dr. Pinder-Schloss

explained everything.



What a lovely woman. So chilly.




It's a common psychosis.



Isn't that grand?



Is it?



Look at it, Fester.



The primeval ooze--



quicksand, fumes, toxic waste.



It's all ours, Fester.



You belong here, old man.






You don't know what you're asking.



You have a beautiful wife,



wonderful children,



a wasteland.



I'm in the way.



In the way? My brother?



Gomez, take care.



For you,

life is all fun and games.



You dance in a graveyard.



Stench. Decay.



But things change.



Precisely. You're back.



All those years apart, Fester.



We can't do that again.



You're home.







[Two Windows Break]



[Dogs Bark]



Damn you, Addams!






Uncle Fester?



[Knock On Door]



Come on, Uncle Fester.



Come to the play.



I said I was busy.



But you said you'd help us



with the Shakespeare and the pus.



I changed my mind.



Mrs. Addams,

can I see you for a moment?



I'm Susan Firkins.



I'm Wednesday's teacher.



Oh, of course.



Wednesday's told us

so much about you.



Wednesday is

an excellent student,



but, frankly, I'm concerned.



You see, this is

our class bulletin board.



This month our theme

is our heroes--



people we love and admire.



You see, Susan Ringo

has chosen the president.



Isn't that sweet?



And Harmony Feld

has picked Jane Pauley.



Have you spoken to her parents?



But Wednesday

brought in this picture--



Calpurnia Addams.




Great-aunt Calpurnia.



She was burned

as a witch in     .



They say she danced naked

in the town square



and enslaved a minister.






Oh, yes.



But don't worry.



We've told Wednesday



college first.



Isn't he adorable?



I made this myself.



It's charming.



What is he, a lizard?



An elf.



Look at you.



That's better.



You are too precious for words.



Why, I could just eat you alive.



Oh, no, Margaret. Too young.



~ La la la la la la,

la la la la la ~



~ La la la la la la,

la la la la la ~



~ Getting to know you ~



~ Getting to know all about you ~



~ Getting to like you ~



~ Getting to hope you like me ~



~ Getting to know you ~



~ Putting it my way, but nicely ~



~ You are precisely ~



~ My cup of tea... ~



Wednesday, Pugsley.



I changed my mind.



Uncle Fester.



~ When I am with you ~



~ Getting to know... ~



Gordon? Gordon?



It's Mother.



Damn it, where is he?



I never should have used him.



~ Free and easy ~



~ When I am with you ~



~ Getting to know what to say ~



I knew you couldn't

stay away, old man.



~ And breezy ~



~ Because of all the most

beautiful and new ~



~ Things that I am

learning about you ~



~ Day by day ~



~ By day ~~



Damn it.



Gordon. Gordon!



Are you there?






Ooh! Ooh! My goodness!



Say! Look! Ooh!

Will somebody come here--



Oh, good--Oh! Aah!



Oh, my!



Hmm! Hmm! Hmm! Ah-ha ha!



How all occasions

do inform against me



and spur my dull revenge.



Oh, from this time forth,



my thoughts be bloody

or nothing worth.



If I must strike you dead, I will.



A hit!



A very palpable hit.



O proud Death...



what feast is toward

in thine eternal cell?



Sweet Oblivion, open your arms.



[Choking And Gasping For Breath]





















There were sailors, pirates,



and a plane full of tourists

from Miami Beach,



all lost in the Triangle.



Uncle Fester,

will you take me there someday?



It's a promise.



Good night, Wednesday.



Good night.



You were terrific.



Uncle Fester?



A theatrical triumph.



It's like a dream.



When we first met,



it was an evening much like this.



Magic in the air.



A boy.



A girl.



An open grave.



It was my first funeral.



You were so beautiful.



Pale and mysterious.



No one even looked at the corpse.



Your cousin Balthazar.



You were still a suspect.



I couldn't stop staring at you



all through the eulogy.



Your eyes, your mustache,



your laugh.



You bewitched me.



I proposed that very night.



Just think--



Someday we'll be buried here,



side by side,   feet under,



in matching coffins,



our lifeless bodies



rotting together for all eternity.



Cara mia.



Mon sauvage.



Hey, bigfoot.



Don't stare.



Just get me out.



Did you like the blood?



I was so proud.



Weren't we all?



Wednesday, play with your food.












Who put this in here?



That's for company.






Doctor, you were so right.



What an evening.




Fester fit right in.



The displacement is over.



Isn't that nice?



Does he really have to go?



Yes, he does.



Well, if he insists upon leaving,



we shall mark the occasion.






We've planned a farewell party.



We've invited the entire clan.



What a lovely gesture.



We're a family again,



and we owe it all to you,

Dr. Pinder-Schloss.









Fester, walk me out.



I'm fine, Mother.



I'm completely in control.



They're not your family, Gordon.



I am.



They don't love you.



I do.



They're evil

and corrupt and degraded.



I can give you that.



I'm fine. Really.



We'll see.



Open up.



A party?



For me?









how long has it been

since we've waltzed?



Oh, Gomez.






~ Too legit, too legit to quit ~



~ Hey, hey ~



~ Too legit, too legit to quit ~~





















It, old man!






You're right.



Far too long.






Don't let me out of your sight.



Don't threaten me, Margaret.



These people are abnormal.



Don't exaggerate.









Oh, by all means.



They're clients, Margaret.









Yes, Mother?



Would you run upstairs



and check on your uncle, please?



Why, Lumpy Addams.



Look at you.



All grown up.



Uncle Fester?




I understand.




I hope so.



I'm counting on you.



Don't let me down.

Don't buckle.



It's not gonna be easy.



There are people everywhere.



You can do it

if you stop whining.



Nobody likes that.



It's unattractive.



All right. Fine.



I will try and reach

the vault tonight.



But if I can't,



well, then that's it.



O.K., Mother?



I knew it.



You are a fake.



Come here, my little one.






Get her!



Flora and Fauna Amor.



I cannot see.



I am blinded by such beauty.



Gomez Addams.



You terrible flirt.



Always was.



At least with me.









Why, Gomez, the Amor twins.



I've heard so much about you.



Morticia, you nabbed him.



This darling man.



He was mine!



He was mine!



How can I compete?



You're twice the woman I am.



Tully, the Amor twins.



They're waiting for Fester.



Amuse them.



Hello, Tully.



Oh, my God.






You mean you don't know?



It's too intriguing.



Fester's king of the castle again,

isn't he?



Fester's the older brother,

so he gets it all--



The house, the money,

you name it.



Fester's single, isn't he?



Are you, Mr. Alford?



Why, Fauna--



I'm Fauna.



I'm Flora.



I'm flattered.



Excuse me, ladies.



I can't find her anywhere.



Let's just leave.



Out the back.



Now pull yourself together.



She'll turn up,

the little cockroach.



Get to the party

or they'll suspect something.



I'll be down soon.



Yes, Mother.






your attention, please.



[Music Stops]



Tonight we dance for

our treasured guest of honor--



Fester Addams.



The mamushka.



Taught to us

by our Cossack cousins,



the mamushka has been

an Addams family tradition



since God knows when.



We danced the mamushka

while Nero fiddled.



We danced the mamushka



at Waterloo.



We danced the mamushka

for Jack the Ripper.



And now, Fester Addams,



this mamushka is for you.



[Russian Music Plays]



Where are you going?

There's trouble.



Hey, not to worry.



Plan "B."



But that hideous

little girl knows--



I'm in charge.



   minutes, I'll be back.



~ Mamushka ~



~ Mamushka ~



~ He comes for his mamushka ~



~ Hey, hey, hey, hey ~



~ Hey, hey, hey, hey ~



~ And a hey and a hey

And a hey and a hey ~






~ I swear by Mummy and Daddums ~



~ This detestable Fester's ~



~ The echt Fester Addams ~



~ So ~



~ Hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey ~



~ Let's dance the dance

of brotherly love! ~



~ Mamushka ~~



What the hell's

going on over there?



How would you like

to be rid of the Addamses



for good?



I'm serious.



What can I do for you?



You are going to love this.



We've been married

for almost    years.



Sometimes it seems like more.






Well, people grow.



People change.






Isn't it a beautiful night?



Come see me before you leave.



I'll call once I'm alone.



There's your ride, girls.



You're a marvelous dancer.



It's been such fun.






I can't. We mustn't.






[Horn Honks]



Call me.



~ Mamushka, mamushka ~



~ I swallowed with one whoosh-ka ~



~ And a hey and a hey ~



~ And a hey and a hey ~



~ And a hey, hey, hey ~



~ Hey ~



~ Hey ~



~ Hey, hey ~






~ Hey, hey, hey ~



Gordon, stop it.



~ Hey, hey ~~



Stop it, Gordon.



Stop it this instant.



Is that lipstick

all overyour face?



From the twins.



The beauteous Amor twins.



The twins?



Gordon, I don't understand.



Have you been having

a good time?



Yes! I have!



It was marvelous.



I sang up a storm



and danced till I dropped.



The mamushka!



The mamushka!



And a hey! And a hey!



And a hey! And a hey! And a hey!






Mother? Mother? Who is that?



I don't think I recall.



Mother, please.



I'm just fine.



I'm dandy.



Don't concern yourself

about me, Gordon.



Please, return

to your depraved orgy.



Sometimes I think

you're not even my son.



Don't say that.



I'm just your mother.



You only owe me your entire

existence on this planet.



Please, Gordon, by all means,



go sing, dance, date.



Oh, Mother, I'm so terribly sorry.



It was just a party.



It's over.



It means nothing.



The siamese twins, the hunchback,



Cousin It--



They're not you.



Say it, Gordon.



Make me believe it.



I love you.



And I want money.



We've got to find Tully.



Look, our little boy.



All tuckered out.



It's so sweet.



He looks just like a little entree.



Where's the party?



It's over, darling.



Have you seen your sister?



Not since before the mamushka.






Fan out.



Pugsley, head for the dung heap.



Mama and Morticia,

the shallow graves.



I'll take the abyss.



Lurch, check out

the bottomless pit.






Up here!



Fester, you take the ravine



and the unmarked abandoned well.



Someone should stay behind



in case she comes back.



Good man. Good thinking.



Then who'll take the swamp?



That's the spirit, Thing.



Lend a hand.



Let's go.






Don't dawdle.



What are you doing?



I'm relaxing.



Taking a little sun.



Have you gone mad?



Au contraire.




















What is all this?



This is a restraining order.



Restraining order?



Yes. It requires you

to keep a distance



of      yards from this house.



I am restrained from my own house?



Not your house, mustache.



Not anymore.



It belongs to the oldest

living descendant,



the elder brother--

Fester Addams.



Fester adores Gomez.



He's afraid of him.



Seeing the twins brought it back.



You're bitter rivals.



I demand to speak with Fester.



Sorry. No can do.



He's very hurt.



Just leave.



But he isn't even Uncle Fester.



Have no fear.



Justice shall prevail.



The courts will decide.



They say a man

who represents himself



has a fool for a client.



Well, with God as my witness,



I am that fool!




it is with no small amount



of personal satisfaction



that I declare Fester Addams



legal executor of the Addams estate



and rightful owner

of all possessions



and properties contained therein



with one exception.



Gomez Addams,



I believe these are yours.



[Gate Crying]



- Aah!

- Aah!



You are doing this on purpose.



That's right, Mother.

Isn't this fun?



I'll race you back.



[Rooster Crows]



Yes, we've been

forced from our home.



Yes, we've been betrayed

by those we trusted,



but we are Addamses,



and we will not submit.



Who recalls the fable



of the tortoise and the hare--



the swift yet lazy

little cottontail



and his slow

but determined companion?



What does this story teach us?



Kill the hare!



Skin it. Boil it.



Put the tortoise on the highway.



During rush hour.






We will survive.



Poison us.



Strangle us.



Break our bones.



We will come back for more.



And why?



Because we like it.



Because we're Addamses.



We're Addamses.



[M.C. Hammer Song

Plays On Boom Box]



Here, Lurch.



On the house.






We have so many homemakers

reentering the workforce.



Your domestic skills

can be very valuable.



Uh, college?



Private tutors.






Spells and hexes.



Liberal arts.



What about your husband?



Is he currently employed?



He's going through

a bad patch at the moment,



but it's not his fault.



Of course not.



What is he, a loafer?



A hopeless layabout?



A shiftless dreamer?



Not anymore.



Is this made from real lemons?






I only like all-natural

fruits and beverages,



organically grown

with no preservatives.



Are you sure they're real lemons?






Well, I'll tell you what.



I'll buy a cup if you buy a box



of my delicious

Girl Scout cookies. Deal?



Are they made from real Girl Scouts?



And, so, the witch

lured Hansel and Gretel



into the candy house



by promising them more sweets.



She told them to look in the oven.



She was about to push them in



when, lo and behold,



Hansel pushed

the poor, defenseless witch



into the oven instead



where she was burned alive,



writhing in agony.



Now, boys and girls,



what do you think that feels like?






Welcome to the show.



Voodoo witch doctors

in the United States--



Here, kitty-kitty.



Do they really exist



or is this just tabloid hooey?



We'd love you to call in

with your comments.



After lunch, we'll try again.



Yes, Mother.



We'll find the money.



Meanwhile, we have this little nest,



quiet and cozy,



without that dreadful family.



Yes, Mother.



You claim that your son



was brainwashed

by voodoo witch doctors



and forced to recruit others.



Let's take a call.



Hello, Sally.



Mr. Addams, please stop calling.



We do not know where they meet.



Let's take another call.



Gomez, why don't we go for a drive?



The whole family.



A drive?



And miss Gilligan?



Dinner's going to be late.



Here, boy. Here, boy.



[Dog Barks]









[Knock Knock]



I would like to speak

with Fester, please.



You're a desperate woman



consumed by greed and bitterness.



We could have been such friends.



Gordon, let's get started.



But, Mother--



Stop stalling.



I'm not stalling,



and stop badgering me.



The vault, Mrs. Addams--



Any thoughts?



None whatsoever.



Tully, take over. Tighten it.



I got this stomach thing

when I torture people.



Do it.















You've done this before.



Who is it?



We're paid through Thursday.









Morticia what?



Slow down!



It's terrible when you stutter.



[Tapping Morse Code]









danger. Stop.



Send help...



at once. Stop!



You can't!



Not with red-hot pokers!



Is this gonna smell?



Tully Alford--












How Gomez adored you.



Well, not enough.









And, dear Fester,



which is the real you--



the loathsome, underhanded

monster you've become



or the loathsome,

underhanded monster



we came to love?



Don't ask me.



I know what you're feeling, Fester.






Gordon, I have a thought.



Just a notion, top of my head.



Tell me what you think.



Since you and Mrs. Addams

are so very close...



be my guest.






Cara mia!



Mon cher!



Darling, take care.



Dirty pool, old man.



Never again!



One for you, Tully,



and now...



one for me.



Gomez, I'm on retainer.



Let him up.



That's right.



Now get moving, Addams.



Take him to the vault,



and if you're not back

in one hour...



[German Accent]

I displace her.



[Violins Play]



Tish, seeing you like this,



my blood boils.



As does mine.



This wheel of pain...



Our wheel.



To live without you--

only that would be torture.



A day alone--



only that would be death.



Knock it off.



[Violins Stop]



The vault, Addams, right now.



But, Mother, you can't--



Can it, Gordon.



Stop dragging your feet.



You disgust me!



You're nothing

but a useless, sniveling baby,



a stone around my neck.



What was I thinking?



I should have left you

where I found you.



No tricks, Gomez.



That's the wrong book.



Allow me.



Good show, old man.



Put that book down, Gordon.



You don't know what it can do.



It's not just literature.



Oh, really?






Quickly, darling.



Gordon, I'm your friend.



Think of the doubloons.



They're not yours, Tully.



Back off.



Leather straps.



Red-hot pokers.



Later, my dearest.



Keep the book closed.

Listen to Mother.



I'll never listen to you,



never ever again.



I had to be strict with you

because I cared. Put it down!



You never really loved me.



Fester, this way!



Stop whining, you little

good-for-nothing. Be a man!



You were a terrible mother!



There! I said it.












Are they dead?



Does it matter?



Trick or--



- Aah!

- Aah!



Here we come.



Pugsley, old man.



Why, look at you.



How do you like it?



What can I say?



He's gonna break hearts.



Trick or treat.






Hello, Margaret.



Cousin It.



I almost didn't recognize you.



Isn't he handsome?



Everyone keeps asking

where he bought his costume.



It is a wonderful hat.






What are you, darling?

Where's your costume?



This is my costume.



I'm a homicidal maniac.



They look just like everyone else.



I'm so glad



I can spend this night

with my family



now that I've got my memory back.



Thank God for that lightning.



Knocked some sense into you.






You remember, old man.



Dr. Pinder-Schloss

really did find Fester



tangled in a tuna net

   years ago,



with amnesia.



From the Bermuda Triangle.






How true.



Stranger things have happened.



Please, Uncle Fester.






For the picture.



All right, everybody,



time for a game.



What shall it be?



Bobbing for apples?









Of course. Wake the dead.



Wake the dead!



Wake the dead!



Out to the cemetery.



I've never played this before.



How does it go?



Did you bring a shovel?



Uncle Fester, be on my team.



No. Mine.



We'll give you a head start--



three skulls and a pelvis.



My own dear brother.



Ha ha ha ha!



Come on.



We'll catch up.



Wake the dead!



Wake the dead!



Uncle Atlas, wake up.



Come on, Aunt LaBorgia,



wake up.



No, children.

You have to dig.



That's half the fun.



Oh, Tish,



what more could we ask?






Cara mia, is it true?



Oui...mon amour.



Wake up, Grandpa Addams.



It's Halloween.



Children, look!



Great-aunt Lavinia!



She was beheaded

by her own children.



- Yay!

- Yay!



You rang?



~ They do what they wanna do ~



~ Say what they wanna say ~



~ Live how they wanna live ~



~ Play how they wanna play ~



~ Dance how they wanna dance ~



~ Kick and they slap a friend ~



~ The Addams family ~



~ They do what they wanna do ~



~ Say what they wanna say ~



~ Live how they wanna live ~



~ Play how they wanna play ~



~ Dance how they wanna dance ~



~ Kick and they slap a friend ~



~ The Addams family ~



~ Now, I was cold coolin' ~



~ You know, just kickin' it

around the house ~



~ When a knock, a knock,

a knock, and a voice ~



~ Yo, can Hammer come out? ~



~ Now, I don't mind bein' a friend ~



~ And showin'

a little bit of flavor ~



~ But Wednesday, Pugsley,

Gomez, Fester ~



~ Man, them some strange neighbors ~



~ They do what they wanna do ~



~ Say what they wanna say ~



~ Live how they wanna live ~



~ Play how they wanna play ~



~ Dance how they wanna dance ~



~ Kick and they slap a friend ~



~ The Addams family ~



~ They do what they wanna do ~



~ Say what they wanna say ~



~ Live how they wanna live ~



~ Play how they wanna play ~



~ Dance how they wanna dance ~



~ Kick and they slap a friend ~



~ The Addams family ~



~ I remember the date ~



~ I needed to borrow ~



~ A little bit of pepper ~



~ But the next thing

you know comin' at me ~



~ Was a hand with

the fingers high-steppin' ~



~ Now, I tried to play it on off ~



~ And act like I'm havin' a ball ~



~ But what do I see? ~



~ A perm with feet

standin' about   feet tall ~



~ They do what they wanna do ~



~ Say what they wanna say ~



~ Live how they wanna live ~



~ Play how they wanna play ~



~ Dance how they wanna dance ~



~ Kick and they slap a friend ~



~ The Addams family ~



~ They do what they wanna do ~



~ Say what they wanna say ~



~ Live how they wanna live ~



~ Play how they wanna play ~



~ Dance how they wanna dance ~



~ Kick and they slap a friend ~



~ The Addams family ~



~ Speakin' and thinkin'

about the Addams ~



~ You know the Hammer is with it ~



~ Act the fool, no bones ~



~ Swoop, Goofy and Randy ~



~ You know, we kick it ~



~ Now is the time

to get in your mind ~



~ It's O.K. to be yourself~



~ Take foolish pride

and put it aside ~



~ Like the Addams, yo, they def~



~ They do what they wanna do ~



~ Say what they wanna say ~



~ Live how they wanna live ~



~ Play how they wanna play ~



~ Dance how they wanna dance ~



~ Kick and they slap a friend ~



~ The Addams family ~



~ They do what they wanna do ~



~ Say what they wanna say ~



~ Live how they wanna live ~



~ Play how they wanna play ~



~ Dance how they wanna dance ~



~ Kick and they slap a friend ~



~ The Addams family ~



~ Addams, go, go ~



~ Addams, go, go ~



~ Addams, go, go ~



~ The Addams family ~



~ Addams, go, go ~



~ Addams, go, go ~



~ Addams, go, go ~



~ The Addams family ~



Thank you, buster.



Oh, yeah.






This is the Addams groove

right here. Ah-ha!



~ Addams, go, go ~



Just like that.



Oh, yeah.



You know, you got

to feel this thing.



~ They do what they wanna do ~



~ Say what they wanna say ~



~ Live how they wanna live ~



~ Play how they wanna play ~



~ Dance how they wanna dance ~



~ Kick and they slap a friend ~



~ The Addams family ~



~ Addams, go, go ~



~ Addams, go, go ~



I'm telling you,



I saw that hand, that thing, man.



~ They do what they wanna do ~



~ Say what they wanna say ~



~ Live how they wanna live ~



~ Play how they wanna play ~



~ Dance how they wanna dance ~



~ Kick and they slap a friend ~



~ The Addams family ~



The Addams.



Yeah, thank you, Fester.



I need to go back

to the bridge here.






~ Addams, go, go ~



Just like that.



Oh, yeah.



You know, you got

to feel this thing.



~ They do what they wanna do ~



~ Say what they wanna say ~



~ Live how they wanna live ~



~ Play how they wanna play ~



~ Dance how they wanna dance ~



~ Kick and they slap a friend ~



~ The Addams family ~



~ Addams, go, go ~



~ Addams, go, go ~



I'm telling you,



I saw the hand, that thing, man.



~ They do what they wanna do ~



~ Say what they wanna say ~



~ Live how they wanna live ~



~ Play how they wanna play ~



~ Dance how they wanna dance ~



~ Kick and they slap a friend ~



~ The Addams family ~



~ They do what they wanna do ~



~ Say what they wanna say ~



~ Live how they wanna live ~



~ Play how they wanna play ~



~ Dance how they wanna dance ~



~ Kick and they slap a friend ~



~ The Addams family ~



~ They do what they wanna do ~



~ Say what they wanna say ~



~ Live how they wanna live ~



~ Play how they wanna play ~



~ Dance how they wanna dance ~



~ Kick and they slap a friend ~



~ The Addams family ~



Cousin It got on the floor,



and he got to wigglin'

and wobblin',



and he did this move.



Everybody backed up,

you know what I'm saying?



~ Addams, go, go ~



~ Addams, go, go... ~~



I'm talking about the Addams.



You know what I'm saying?



I'm talking about the Addams.




Special help by SergeiK