Addams Family Values Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Addams Family Values script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Barry Sonnenfeld movie sequel to The Addams Family.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Addams Family Values. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Addams Family Values Script









Come, sorrow.

We welcome thee.



Let us join in grief,



rejoice in despair,



and honor

the fortunate dead.



Dearly beloved...



[Cat Meows]






Tsk tsk tsk.



Good show, old man.






Cara mia?



Marvelous news.



I'm going to have a baby...



right now.



Nurse, how close

are the contractions?



Every    seconds,




Are you in

unbearable pain?



Is it inhuman?

My darling, is it torture?






And then mommy

kissed daddy,



and the angel

told the stork.



The stork

flew down from heaven



and left a diamond under a leaf

in the cabbage patch,



and the diamond

turned into a baby.



Our parents

are having a baby, too.



They had sex.



Push, Mrs. Addams.



[Moans Lightly]


















Would you like




No, thank you.

But ask the children.



Cara mia.



Mon cher.



Mrs. Addams, the baby?






- It's a boy.

- It's a girl.



- Gomez!

- What news?




what is it?



It's an Addams!



I've arranged a little surprise,

my dearest.



I hope you like it.



Oh, Gomez, it's dark,

it's depressing, it's desolate.



It says, "toddler."



It's a dream.



Come, cara mia.



The Addams cradle.









Welcome home, my son.



[Baby Laughs]



That's not true.



Everyone knows it is.



When you have a new baby,

one of the other children has to die.



- Really?

- It's a tradition. One of us has to go.



Which one?



Well, they only need

one boy.



He has

my father's eyes.



Gomez, take those

out of his mouth.



Coochie coochie coo.



A baby in the house.



It's about time.

Hey, kiddo.



Did you see that?



He's a real devil.



Pugsley, the baby

weighs    pounds.



The cannonball

weighs    pounds.



Which will hit

the stone walkway first?



I'm still on fractions.



Which do you think?



The cannonball?



Very good.

But which one will bounce?



The baby?



There's only one way

to find out.















What a glorious evening.






Cara mia.



Oh, dear.




why do you hate the baby?



We just want

to play with him.



Especially his head.



Do you think we love the baby

more than you?



- Yes.

- Yes.



Do you think when

a new baby arrives,



another child

has to die?



- Yes.

- Yes.




that's just not true.



Not anymore.



It's just

sibling rivalry.



Gomez, do you remember

what we were like?



- I hated you!

- I despised you.



I choked him

till he lost consciousness



and had to be put

on a respirator.



I tied him to a tree



and pulled out four

of his permanent teeth.



When he was asleep,



I opened his skull

and removed his brains.



You did?



A brother!






Children, you see?



"Death! Death

to the enemies



of the people

of the republic."






Justice is served.



Bring forward

the evil one.



[La Marseillaise Plays]



You have betrayed

the people of France.



You are evil incarnate.



How do you plead?








by her own admission.



The sentence is death.




place her on the block.










what are you doing?



- Playing!

- Playing!






Woe to the republic.



Look at you.



Midnight, moonlight,



surrounded by death.



It's been too long.



Do it!

Hold him still!




Glass Breaking]



You missed.



Here, catch!



I don't want him!



[Glass Breaking]



One house,

three children.



So many windows.



My darling, it's you

I'm worried about,



the stress,

all this squabbling.



Oh, I'll be fine.



I'm just like any modern woman,

trying to have it all--



loving husband, a family.



It's just

I wish I had more time



to seek out

the dark forces



and join their hellish crusade,

that's all.



You can! You shall!

So it must be!



[Glass Breaking]



But how?




as your new nanny,



I know that we're

all concerned



about the environment,



so this morning,

let's discuss



how to prevent

forest fires.



Prevent them?



All right, children,



I've had it

up to here.



Now you just answer

one simple question.



Where is that baby?



Which part?



Hello, kiddies.



I'm Polly the puppet.



What shall we do today?



I know.

Let's all clean our rooms.



Hello, Polly.



I'll clean my room



in exchange

for your immortal soul.






Hi. Addams residence?



Ooh, it's old.



And big.






Hi! Hi. I'm Debbie Jellinsky

from the agency.



The agency?



But they claimed

no one else was available.



They suggested

a Doberman.




I've been out of town.



Are you the mom?



I am Mrs. Addams.



I love your dress.

It's so tight.



Thank you.






I believe we may have

a new nanny...



Miss Jellinsky.






Isn't he a lady-killer?






I'll show you

all my references



so you'll know

I'm not a homicidal maniac.



- Of course you're not.

- You're too young.



Welcome to our home.



There's a belfry,

a swamp,



and a dungeon down below.



- Cable?

- Of course.






Oh, is that

the little critter?



Oh, no.

This is our baby.



He's adorable. He's perfect.

What's his name?



It was agony.



We went through

all the usual baby names...












Then we came

to our senses,



something a child

could live with...









I like it.



It's filthy.



May I?



Your dress,

is it flammable?



You've had your shots--



measles, mumps, rabies?



Oh, I just adore

little babies.



I just want to squeeze them

till there's not a breath left



in their tiny little bodies.



Hello, Pubert.



I love you.



[Knock On Door]



Children, this is Miss Jellinsky,

our new nanny.



What do we say?



Be afraid.

Be very afraid.



Look at you--



all cooped up in this house

with a new baby.



That's not easy,

is it?






Why, I bet sometimes



you wish it was

still just the two of you.



Or less.



Well, don't you worry.




going to be just fine.



I love them.






stop that.



He likes you.



Heh heh heh heh.



I'm good with my hands.



What a wonderful family,



although there's one fella

I haven't met yet.



Hi there, mister.



Your nephew?



My brother.







come out here.



He's very shy.



Fester, this is Miss Jellinsky,

our new nanny.



Hello, Fester.



These Addams men,

where do you find them?



It has to be damp.



I can't wait.



I'll start first thing




Why not tonight?




Good night, Debbie.



Good night!



Scream if you need




So we've hired

Miss Jellinsky.



She's a gem,

don't you think?



She's perfect.



Oh, Fester,

I'm such a lucky man.



I hope that someday you'll know

the indescribable joy



of having children



and of paying someone else

to raise them.



First wouldn't I

have to get married?



You're just a boy.

There's plenty of time.



You'll meet someone,

someone very special,




who won't press charges.



Oh, I'd like that.



You rascal.



Oh, and what's this?



- Mom.

- Mom.



Tonight on America's

Most Disgusting Unsolved Crimes,



we investigate

the case of Ursula...






and Nadine--



three very different women

with one thing in common--






And they're all

the same woman.



She's known by the police

as the Black Widow.



She mates,

then she kills.



She investigates

wealthy men,



finding the richest,

loneliest bachelors,



gaining their trust

and their love,



and finally,

she marries them.



Then, on the wedding night,

she kills them.



The deaths

appear accidental.



After the funeral,

she disappears, cash in hand,



but the money

never lasts.



Soon the Black Widow

is hungry again,



hungry for cash,

hungry for love.



A mistress of disguise,

she's eluded the authorities for years.



Who is she,



and what seemingly innocent pose

will she next assume?



All we can say is...



bachelors, beware.



We'll be going out

for most of the morning.



All the important numbers--



police, fire department,




Fester, come along.



Goodbye, Fester.



Say goodbye to Debbie.



[Mumbles Nervously]



Have fun!



[Door Closes]






Fester Addams. My, my.



Stocks and bonds...






gold bullion.






Treasury bills...









What a strange old house.



It's so drafty.



It's really no place

for children.



No place at all.



Hold still,

you little brat.



He's not a brat.



Of course not.

He's an adorable little baby.



Fine. Rub it in.



We're getting him

all ready



for a nice little walk.



Would you like to come?



Are you really a nanny?



What a question.



Why did you come here?



Why, to take care of you...



all of you.



Especially my uncle?



I shouldn't be

telling you this.



They swore me

to secrecy,



the little angels,



but they want to go.



It's all they talked about

all morning.



They're just afraid

to ask you.



They're afraid you'll think

they don't love you.



The poor things.



It's a bizarre request.



It's horrifying.



They have their hearts

set on it.



I knew

you'd want to know



as concerned,

caring parents.



Oh, Gomez,

what shall we do?



How can we say no?



Don't even mention it.



Just do it.



I'm sure

they'll deny everything,



but they want to go,



God love them.



- Summer camp.

- Summer camp.



"Camp Chippewa."



How charming.



What's a chippewa?



It's an old

Indian word.



It means orphan.



Fresh air...



the scent of pine.



[Morticia] Wednesday,

look at all of the other children--



their freckles,

their bright little eyes,



their eager,

friendly smiles.



Help them.



Hi. I'm Amanda Buckman.



Why are you dressed

like that?



Like what?



Like you're going

to a funeral.



Why are you dressed

like somebody died?






Hi. Don Buckman.



Isn't this place

something else?



Very exclusive.



A kid has to be

extra special to get in,



gifted, exceptional.



Our Amanda's already

skipped two grades.



How about your boy?






We just love Chippewa.



Amanda couldn't wait.



It's all

she talked about.



She's got

a whole new wardrobe.



And this little lady?



Wednesday's at

that very special age



when a girl has

only one thing on her mind.









[Whistle Blows]






Hey! Listen up,




I'm Gary Granger!



And I'm

Becky Martin-Granger.



We're the owners and directors

here at Camp Chippewa,



America's foremost

facility for...



privileged young adults.



And we're all here

to learn, to grow,



and to just plain

have fun!



'Cause that's what being

privileged is all about.






How are you?



I'm fine.

How are you?



How are you doing?



I don't think

I like it here.



Do you know

how dirty you are?



Please leave him alone.



I can't breathe.



Stand up straight,




This is why

he's always sick.



Don't start with me.



This has nothing to do

with allergies.



You did this.



Can you breathe?



Stand up straight.

Stand up straight.



"Everyone at the ball



"turned and stared

at Cinderella.



"Who is that beautiful woman?

everyone asked.



"Even Prince Charming

noticed the new arrival.



"Who are you?

he asked Cinderella.






"My name is Cinderella,

she said to the prince.



"Could you tell me



"who is that man

over by the punch bowl,



"that fascinating man,



"that oddly sensual man,



"that man who makes me

quiver under my bodice,



that baldman?"



She's driving me wild!










Even the sound

of her name...






Isn't it beautiful?



She makes me think of vinyl.




Truly, Fester,



has it finally happened,

at long last?



I don't know.

I think so.



All these years

I've watched you and Morticia



through windows,







I've been so happy

for you,



but I have to confess

I've been jealous, too.



I've dreamed

that sometime



there might be

someone for me.



There's Thing.



I know,

but I want more--



legs, elbows,



a head.



Two legs?



Dare I ask Debbie

to dinner?



What if she says no?



What if she says yes?



If I asked her,

would you come,



you and Morticia?



Of course.









Life saving.



We're all

top-notch swimmers.



Now we show our stuff



and earn

those certificates.



How about

our first little pair



of life saving buddies?



Amanda, Wednesday.



Is that

your bathing suit?



Is that your over bite?



One of you will be

the drowning victim.



The other one

will be our lifesaver.



I'll be the victim.



All your life.



I'm going to be

an actress.






Now jump in,

swim out a few yards,



and start drowning.



Help me!



Help me!



I'm drowning!



Help me!



I'm dying!



I can't swim.



[Playing A Tango]



[Playing A Tango]



It's our favorite bistro.



We've been coming here

for years.



Of course,

it has been redone.



Oh, it's just...






Isn't it, Fester?









It's a quaint

French custom--



sharing half-eaten bread.



Fester is truly




He spent

many years abroad.



He speaks    languages




I could tell.



When I first

saw him,



I thought

he was from Europe.



You did?



It's true.



But I took a bath.



Fester's really

a wonderful man.



He's just terribly shy.



I just can't tell--



does he like me

at all?



Of course he does.



He vomited.



Does he always do that

with women he likes?



Oh, no.



Just you.






Do you think she minded?



Of course not.



She adores you.



I'm making

such a mess of things.



Gomez, how do you do it?



How can I be like you?



How can I be suave?



Woo her, admire her,



make her feel like she's

the most sublime creature on Earth.



Yes. That's it?



We're back,



noses powdered.







We are the luckiest

brothers on Earth.



We are unworthy

of such splendor,




of such radiance.



Uh, that's right.



We should have...

ugly girls.



[Violin Plays]













And then

the ghost said,



"And I will

haunt you forever."



- Ooh.

- Ooh.






you have to continue

the ghost story.



This is dumb.



Well, if you

can't do it...



And, so, the next night,



the ghost returned

to the haunted cabin,



and he said

to the campers,



"None of you

really believe in me,



so I'll have

to prove my power."



And the next morning,



when the campers woke up,



all of their old noses

had grown back.



- Aah!

- Aah!



Oh, Fester,



how you

must hate me.






Here you are,



a debonair

man of the world.



How I must bore you.



Oh, never.



Fester, before

we go any further,



I have a confession,




I must tell you.



I'm a virgin.



You are?






What's that?



It--It's someone



who's never experienced

physical love.






You mean,

with another person.



Then, Debbie,



I have a confession

to make, as well.



I'm one, too.



You? You?






But with your looks,

your charm,



women must

follow you everywhere.



Store detectives.



Oh, Fester,



I always dreamed



of meeting

someone untouched,



someone pure,




just like you.



You'll meet him.



And--And I dreamed

that when I met him,



that we would wait

until our wedding night



to give ourselves

to one another,



to make

the ultimate sacrifice.



A goat?



Until now I thought

it was impossible,



but, Fester Addams,



I love you.



You do?



Please, I have to know

how you feel about me.



I love you.



I worship you.



I'd do anything for you.



I'd pay.





















Look at him.



So peaceful.






This evening

as I watched Fester and Debbie,



I kept

my fingers crossed.



I hoped...



I prayed.



Let them

fall in love.



Let them know happiness.



Let them adopt.



Gomez, Morticia,



great news--



Something impossible,

a miracle.



- The rash...

- It's gone.



I'm engaged.



That ring...



It was our mother's.

She was buried with it.






Mail call.







Castleman, Calloway,



Dexter, Donman,



Edwards, Evans,



Finley, Fisher,




Oh, no.



What is it?



This is unspeakable.



Is something wrong?

Bad news?



It's the worst thing ever

in the history of human events.



Uncle Fester

is getting married.



A wedding?



But that's

great news.



To whom?



The nanny.



Get out of the cabin.



I'd kill myself.



The help?



I'm sure

she's a very nice lady.



I think

that's disgusting.



Their whole family's



like some weird

medical experiment.



I think they're

like circus people.



What did you say?






Group hug.









Will a hug hurt us?



We don't hug.



Oh, they're

just shy.



We're not shy.



We're contagious.



I'm sensing

some friction here,




not quite Chippewa.



- Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm.



Hey, no problem-o.



All they need are

good friends, good fun,



and a little time

in the harmony hut.



How long do we have

to stay in here?



Until we crack.



[Door Opens]



Have fun.



What are you in for?



I wouldn't go

horseback riding.



That's all?



And I wouldn't

make a bird house.



Why not?



I just wanted to read.



Not on my time,










Aah aah aah!



Hurry up.



I'm coming.






Be careful.









There they are!



I saw them

sneak out.



What do you think

you're doing?



We have to see

our family.



It's important.



More important

than summer fun?



More important

than making new friends?



More important

than sharing?



Joel Glicker,

I'm surprised at you.



I have to

get out of here.



I have allergies.



Oh, you're allergic?



To sunshine,

archery, and crafts?






I think

they should be punished.



Punished! Punished!



Punished! Punished!



Punished! Punished!



No! We are not here

to punish.



We are here to inspire.



Know what our little

ninja friends need?



Know what might turn

their sad, wasted lives around?






[Guitar Strums]



~ Kumbaya, my Lord ~



~ Kumbaya ~



~ Kumbaya, my Lord ~



~ Kumbaya ~



[Wolf Howls]



~ Kumbaya, my Lord ~



~ Kumbaya ~



~ Oh, Lord, Kumbaya ~~



Now, Debbie,

have you met everyone?









[Kiss Kiss]



Margaret, this is

our bride-to-be.




to our family.



I can't tell you

what it's meant




the Addams clan.



Have you met my husband

Cousin Itt?



Cousin Itt?



We've been so happy,



and, just as little

Pubert arrived,



we were blessed with

our own little bundle of joy.









Oh, I didn't say anything.



That's the baby's

nickname-- What?




the obstetrician.



Isn't he precious?



We've had offers.



~ For he's

a jolly good fellow ~



~ Which nobody

can deny ~~



You guys are the best

bunch of friends



a fella could hope for.



What a party!



And now for

the piece de resistance.









That poor girl.



Lurch, was she in there

before you baked?






So, so, so.



C'est la vie.






Ha ha ha ha!



Are you really allergic?






To almost




No, you're not.



Am, too.



I can't have

dairy products



or wear wool



or drink

fluoridated water.



You know

what happens



if my mom uses

a fabric softener?






I die.



Where are you?



Over here.






By the skeleton.



I got your message

inside my cutlet.



I need to ask you







Do you believe

in the existence of evil?



Well, did you meet

my mom?



My Uncle Fester's

about to get married



to this woman

in a white uniform.



A radiologist.



A nanny.



I have to go

to the wedding.



I have a pass.

Want to come?



You mean like...

on a date?






I'd love to.



[Plays "Sunrise, Sunset']



[Plays "Wedding March']



[Speaking Gibberish]






Fester Addams,



do hereby declare

my unending love.



I will worship you forever.



I will devote...



my every waking moment



to your happiness alone.










I am your eternal



and helpless slave.












You're going to have a

wonderful life together.



Yes, I am.



Come, darling,



let's see who's

the next happy bride.



Here, Debbie!



- To me!

- Me!



Oh, I have it!



- No! I have it!

- It's mine!



Now you have

to get married.



It's not binding.






- Bye!

- Congratulations!



- Congratulations!

- Bon voyage!



The key ingredient



to a successful

Hawaiian honeymoon



is romantic music.



[Romantic Music Plays]



I ordered this cassette

from Time-Life.



     of the World's

Most Romantic Melodies.



It's superb.



What do you

call this?



Number    .






do you like

romantic living?



I do, so far.



I love romantic living.



Oh, Fester, how much

do you love me?



With all my soul.



Would you do

anything for me?






Would you die for me?












Aah aah!



Aah aah aah aah!












Darling, I know

you're nervous.



So am I.



I'm not nervous.



I'm upset.



Because of the bathtub?






That was an accident.



I know.



I'm fine.



I know.



Don't give it

another thought.



Don't be frightened.



This is as new to me

as it is to you.



Have you really

never had sex?






Then how do you know we're

not having it right now?



We'll be just like

Gomez and Morticia.



Pretend we're

at home in my room--



Granny down the hallway,



Lurch by the door.



Oh, my God.



Please, what is it?



What do you need?



Only you, my dearest.






Fester, I'm ready.



- Just one thing...

- Gomez told me. No giggling.



- And?

- No hand puppets.



- And...

- What?



after we've made love,



you can never see

your family again.






Otherwise, I could never

really enjoy myself.



I could never

give myself completely.



Unless I never see

my family again?



Yes. If I picture them

in our lives,



I could never achieve...

you know.






Don't you love me?



Of course.



Don't you want me?





















It's so odd we haven't heard

from Fester and Debbie.



It's been almost a week.

Hasn't it, little fellow?



Look at him.



Too much fun

at that reception.



Hair of the pup.



Excellent, Amanda!



Thank you.







"Dear Wednesday and Pugsley,



"I love you dearly,



but I can never

see you again."



Glicker, go!




Good try!



"When you are grown-up

and very lonely,



"you'll understand.



Love, Uncle Fester."



He's a dead man.






[Bird Squawks]



It's an American

bald eagle!



But aren't

they extinct?



They are now.



Mrs. Addams?






Your hearse.

Where's the body?



Right there.



But he's alive.



Tell me about it!



Fester, we may be

together for a while...



All our lives,

cara mia.






Mon cher.



- Speak English.

- Pumpkin?



If I have to be seen with you,

we need to make some changes.






Be careful!

It's a credenza!



These are

beautiful things.




from catalogues.




get over here!



It itches.



Don't touch it,

not until the scab falls off.



Pumpkin, do you think

these clothes are really me?



Of course not.

That's the point.



- Where do you want this?

- The second floor boudoir.



I'm her husband.






Give me a kiss.



Give me a   .

Watch it!



That's a Queen Anne




"Hawaii is wonderful.



"I wish you were here,



"and I can never

see you again!



P.S., Debbie says hi."



I don't understand.

For weeks not a word, and now this.



Darling, come to bed.

He can't be serious.



Have I done something,

said something?



Why does my brother

despise me?



He adores you.



I'd do anything for him.



At his request,

I would rip out my eyes.



At his command,

I would crawl on my belly



through hot coals

and broken glass.



Why wait?



Has Fester gone mad?



This is all just

some sort of phase.



Post-honeymoon malaise.



It's very common.



Do you remember

our honeymoon?



That glorious cruise.



No quarrels.



No cares.



No survivors.



Cara mia.






you still desire me

after all these years?



The old ball and chain?






I'll get them.



Heads up, campers.

Thejamboree's only two weeks away.



And you know what that means--

clean cabins.



Creating with clay and...



Canoes, canoes, canoes!



So we better

get cracking, huh?



Look at this.

I've got them.



Schizos and Serial Killers.



I have almost

the whole series.



I'm only missing Jack the Ripper

and that Zodiac guy.



But look.



"The Black Widow."



It might be Debbie.



At least three rich husbands...



all dead.



I'll trade you.



For what?



Amy Fischer.



Each year,

we conclude our summer



with a very special




Book, music,

and lyrics by...



Gary Granger!



And this year,



the old bean has come up

with something pretty exciting--



my own personal salute

to the first Thanksgiving.



Now, we have thought

long and hard



about choosing

just the right little actress



for the leading role

of Sarah Miller,



our beautiful

and kindly pilgrim lady,



and we have selected...



Amanda Buckman!



And in the roles

of her pilgrim pals--



Lily, Jennifer,

Tiffany, Missy,



Michelle, and Melissa!



But, of course,

not everyone can be a star.



Let's not forget

our cheery little Chippewas



Mordecai, Yang,









Consuela, Irwin...



and, um...



I'm still not sure just

how to pronounce this.













And as their leader

in the secondary



but still compellingly

written role of Pocahontas,



guess who we have in mind.



Our own little

brunette outcast--



Wednesday Addams.



[Chimes Play Wedding March]



We want to see

Debbie and Fester.



Miss Debbie!










where are we?



It looks familiar.



Of course--

the gates of hell.



Welcome to my home.



Might we see my brother?



No. He doesn't want to see

any of you or that.



Why not?



Because he's in love.



He's wrapped in a gossamer

blanket of ecstasy,



and he hates your guts.



But why?



Because you've

flaunted yourselves,



your great love affair.



You kept him a child.



I've made him a man.



Let me hear this

from his own lips.



His lips are busy.



You want to talk

to these people?









Go away!



That is not my brother.






You have

enslaved him.



You have

placed Fester



under some strange

sexual spell.



I respect that.

But, please, may we see him?



Don't even

think about it.



You have gone

too far.



You have

married Fester.



You have destroyed

his spirit.



You have taken him

from us.



All that

I could forgive.



But, Debbie...









Get out of my house!



Hit the road!



And if you ever

show your faces around here again,



I'll have you locked up

for trying to visit.



Right, Fessie?






Luxor, nexor,

burst, and burn!



What is she doing?



Just a curse.

Have a nice day.



I demand justice!



Someone has married

my brother.






She took him to Hawaii.



They have moved into

a large, expensive home



where they make love




I hate

when that happens.



Arrest her at once

without delay.



- Who?

- Debbie.



My brother's wife,

the temptress of Waikiki.



Who are you?



What are you?

Who moved the rock?




you must issue a subpoena.



I believe they own...



Gomez, no!



A Buick!



Just leave.

Leave quietly. Leave now.



Don't make me call

Ringling Brothers.



Has the planet gone mad?



My brother... passion's hostage.



I seek justice.






I shall not submit.

I shall conquer. I shall rise.



My name is Gomez Addams,

and I have seen evil!



I have seen horror!



I have seen

the unholy maggots



which feast in the dark recesses

of the human soul!



They're at camp.



I have seen all this,




But until today,



I had never seen...






Hook him, book him,

cook him. Now!



Next in line.



Yes, I'd like to renew

my passport, please.



I'll be leaving the country

very shortly.



Traveling alone?



Yes. I'll be a widow.



~ Happy, happy turkey day ~



~ Hunger pains will go away ~



~ When you hear

the pilgrims say ~



~ It's happy turkey day ~



~ Happy, happy turkey day ~



~ Let's all eat

the Indian way ~



~ As Bastille

and Cape Cod day ~



~ On happy turkey day ~~



Look at you.

Oh, Amanda, you look perfect!



You're just the prettiest pilgrim

I've ever seen!



Gar, come and take

a look at this.



Here they are!



They were

by the phone.



We were calling the FBI.



Their uncle's in trouble.



You're late for your fittings.



I don't want to be

in the pageant.



You won't help me

realize my vision?



Your work is puerile

and under-dramatized.



You lack any sense

of structure, character,



or the Aristotelian unities.



Young lady,

I am getting just a tad tired



of your attitude problem.



Everyone, campers!



I have a wonderful idea.



Wednesday and Pugsley

and young Mr. Glicker here,



well, they have just

never quite latched on



to the Chippewa spirit,



nor have some oftheir

little comrades.



Isn't that sad?



- Yes!

- Yes!



Don't we just

hate that?



- Yes!

- Yes!



Don't we wish

they'd just die?



- Yes!

- Yes!



We don't.



But you know what

we'll do with them?



We're going to make

an example.



We are going to show

that anyone,



no matter how odd

or pale or chubby,



can still have

a darn good time.



Whether they

like it or not.



What are you going to do?



Yes, indeedy,

just the ticket.






Lassie Come Home.



The Little Mermaid.



Stop it.



He's only a child.



Don't worry.

We're getting out of here.






it's Disney.






~ The hillsare alive ~



~ With the sound of music ~



~ With songs they have sung ~



~ For a thousand years... ~~



~ And they knew that it was

much more than a hunch ~



~ That this group must

somehow form a family ~



~ That's the way we all

became the BradyBunch... ~~



~ You're always a day ~



~ A-way ~~






good evening.



Is there anything

you'd like to say to everyone?






And just what

might that be?



I'm not perky.



That's for damn sure.



But I want to be.



You do?



I want to smile



and sing and dance



and be Pocahontas

in Gary's vision.



Oh, darling,

do you really mean it?



- [Gasps]

- [Gasps]



Isn't she pretty?



She's scaring me!



Oh, Gar.









Stay back!



He's very sick.



My baby!



Lumbar, dison...



pox and thither,



curad, brattle,



bone and brine!






Bone and brine!






Well, he's stubborn.



It works on cats.



- What are we going to do?

- Is it hopeless?



Here it is.



"Chapter   .

Infant possessions."



He's possessed?



"Warning signs--



"severe alterations

in appearance and personality.



Such alterations

can become permanent."




Those golden curls?



Those rosy cheeks?



That smile?



"These terrifying changes



"are most often the result

of a troubled family life.






You mean...






Bingo! This kid knows



that something is not

right around here.



Unless Fester comes back,

we're talking dimples.



Not in this house.



He could stay this way

for years. Forever.



He could become...



a lawyer...



I won't listen!



An orthodontist...



Mama, stop!






[Pubert Laughs]



Please! I beg you!



Take me!



Each summer we take

this occasion



to celebrate a seminal event

in American history.



This year, we depict



perhaps the most important day

in our shared past--



the first Thanksgiving!



A day for maize,



the Native American

word for corn,



a terrific turkey dinner,



and brotherhood!



So, white meat

and dark meat,



take it away!



[Piano Plays]



~ Eat us, hey,

it's Thanksgiving day ~



~ Eat us,

we make a nice buffet ~



~ We lost the race

with Farmer Ed ~



~ Eat us 'cause

we're good and dead ~



~ White man or red man ~



~ From East, North,

or South ~



~ Chop off our legs ~



~ And put 'em

in your mouth ~



~ Eat me ~



~ Sauteed or barbecued ~



~ Eat me ~



~ We once were pets,

but now we're food ~



~ We won't stay fresh

for very long ~



~ So eat us before

we finish this song ~



~ Eat us before

we finish this song ~~






Thank you.



It was a senseless tragedy.



Ha ha!






Angel, I'm going out

for just a minute.



I forgot the champagne.



Our three-week anniversary!

I'll go.



No, no.

You're working hard enough.



I'll just put your present

on the table.



Don't peek!



Oh, please, please!



What is it?



Is it string?



You never know.




is it a dog toy?



Just you wait.



It's a bomb.






I know.

Wait for my birthday.






let me look at you.



I want to remember you

just this way.



What do you mean?



Rich. Will you miss me?



But you'll be right back,

won't you?



Of course.






Hoo hoo hoo hoo!



I am so glad we invited

the Chippewas



to join us

for this holiday meal.



Remember, these savages

are our guests.



We must not be surprised



at any of their

strange customs.



After all, they have not

had our advantages,



such as fine schools,



libraries full of books,






[Audience Chuckles]



How. I am Pocahontas,

a Chippewa maiden.



An Indian.



Enough said.



And I am Running Bear,



betrothed to Pocahontas.



In the play.



   grand for summer camp,



he's Mr. Woo-Woo.



We have brought a special gift

for this holiday feast.



I am a turkey. Kill me.



What a thoughtful gift!



Why, you are

as civilized as we,



except we wear shoes

and have last names.



Welcome to our table,

our new primitive friends.



Thank you,

Sarah Miller.



You're the most beautiful person

I've ever seen.



Your hair is the color

of the sun,



your skin is like fresh milk,



and everyone loves you.



Stop! Sit.









We cannot break

bread with you.



Huh? Becky,

what's going on?







You have taken the land



which is

rightfully ours.



Years from now,

my people will be forced



to live in mobile homes

on reservations.



Your people

will wear cardigans



and drink highballs.



We will sell our bracelets

by the roadsides.



You will play golf



and enjoy

hot hors d'oeuvres.



My people will have pain

and degradation.



Your people

will have stick shifts.



The gods of my tribe

have spoken.



They have said,

"Do not trust the pilgrims,



especially Sarah Miller."



Gary, she's changing the words.



And for all these reasons,



I have decided to scalp you



and burn your village

to the ground.



[Yelling Indian War Cry]






Children! Campers!




You're destroying my text!



Aah! Aah!



He's not a team player.



He needs friends.



He needs friends like this?



- Aah!

- Oh!



- [Gasps]

- [Gasps]






Uh, I beg your pardon.



Do something!



[Muffled Screams]



[Muffled Screams]



[Muffled Screams]



~ Macho, macho man ~



~ Feel my muscles ~



~ I've got to be a macho man ~



~ Mucho, mucho, macho, macho ~



~ I got to be a macho ~



~ Hey, hey, hey, hey ~



Hey! Wait!

What time is it, Jorge?



Ah,  :  .



Oops. Got to go.



- No!

- Wait!



Wait here.

It's my anniversary.



I'll be right back.



Your husband

is a very lucky man.



Don't say that!



~ Hey, hey, hey ~



~ Hey, macho, macho man ~



~ I got to be a macho man ~~









Oh, no, no.



But, Officer...



my husband

was in that house.






Happy anniversary, Debbie.



Help. Help.




Did you get the champagne?









I tried to make it

look like an accident.



I tried to give you some dignity,

but, oh, no, not you.



What are you saying?



I want you dead,

and I want your money.




don't you love me?



Is that a no?



Oh, do I love you.

Look at yourself!



You're a nightmare.

You're the missing link.



You shouldn't be married.

You should be studied.



You're a big,

dumb, weird thing.



No woman in her right mind

could love you.









I'll get you!

And your little hand, too!






Come on.



No. I have to go back.

For the others.



You're very brave.



And to watch the place burn.

You go.



Save your uncle.



I may never

see you again.



I know.



There are forces

tearing us apart--



Gary, Debbie,

seventh grade.



I'll never forget you.



You won't?



You're too weird.



We'll always have today

and Chippewa.



And this.



What is it?



Amanda's retainer.



Cara mia.



Mon cher.






Come on!



Move it!



Move out of the way!



"We looked,



"then we saw him

step in on the mat.



"We looked,

and we saw him--



the cat in the hat."



Are you enjoying this?



To think...



a child of mine.



"I know it is wet,



"and the sun is not sunny,



"but we can have

lots of good fun,



that is funny."



Oh, no.



He lives.



Come on! It's Gomez!



~ Swing low ~



~ Sweet chariot ~



~ Coming for

to carry me home ~



~ Swing low ~~



My baby is ill,



and my husband

is dying.



Oh, mama,

what shall I do?



Well, you have

a black dress.






- Fester!

- Fester!



Fester? Where is Fester?



He's right here,

mon cher.



It's me, Gomez.



I've tried to be

someone I'm not.



I live in shame...



and the suburbs!



But you belong to Debbie.



You're Debbie's love toy.



You are Mr. Debbie!



I am an Addams!






Uncle Fester!






You sent us to camp.



They made us sing.



My own dear family.



How I've missed you all.



Our whole family--

together at last.



Three generations...



above ground.






I don't want

to hurt anybody.



I don't enjoy

hurting anybody.



I don't like guns or bombs

or electric chairs,



but sometimes

people just won't listen,



and so I have to use




and slides.



My parents--

Sharon and Dave.



Generous, doting...



or were they?



All I ever wanted

was a ballerina Barbie



in her pretty pink tutu.



My birthday.



I was   



and do you know

what they got me?



Malibu Barbie.



Malibu Barbie.



The nightmare.



The nerve.



That's not

what I wanted.



That's not who I was.



I was a ballerina--



graceful, delicate.



They had to go.



My first husband,

the heart surgeon.



All day long,

coronaries, transplants.



What about your needs?



"Sorry about dinner, Deb.



The pope has a cold."



An axe.



That takes me back.



Husband number two--

the senator.



He loved his state.

He loved his country.



What about Debbie?



"Sorry, Debbie.

No Mercedes this year.



We have to set an example."



Oh, yeah? Set this!



My latest husband.



My late husband Fester.



The fool.



The corpse.



And his adorable family.



You took me in.

You accepted me.



But did any of you love me?



Really love me?






So I--I killed.



So I maimed.



So I destroyed one

innocent life after another.



Aren't I a human being?



Don't I yearn and...

ache and shop?



Don't I deserve love...



and jewelry?



Adieu, mon cher.



Adios, cara mia.



Debbie, let them go.

Take me and my money.



For what I've done,

I deserve to die.









Goodbye, everybody.



Wish me luck.



- Good luck.

- Good luck.



A birthday party!

What a treat!



And to think I might

have missed all this.



What was I thinking of?



Physical pleasure.






Uncle Fester,

do you miss Debbie?



Well, sometimes,

late at night.



I remember

how she'd turn to me



and say "Jesus, Fester,

go back to your room."






Are we late?






Not at all.

We'rejust getting started.



I hope no one minds.

We brought along a guest.



This is our new nanny--










What a beautiful name.



It means insanity.



My name's Fester.

It means to rot.



A toast.



To the glorious

mysteries of life.



To all that binds

a family as one.



To mirth, to merriment,

to manslaughter.



- Hear, hear.

- [Chattering]



To dear friends.









To new friends.



To youth.



How do I look?






To passion.



To paradise.



To pain.






Ha ha! Make way

for the birthday boy!



Thing, will you

do the honors?



[Playing "Happy Birthday"]



Your family

is really interesting.



Your parents are so

involved with each other.



Wednesday, do you think,

like, maybe someday



you might want to get

married and have kids?






But what if you met

just the right man



who worshipped

and adored you,



who'd do anything

for you,



who'd be

your devoted slave?



What would you do?



I'd pity him.



Poor Debbie.

She was sick.



She wasn't sick.



She was sloppy.



What do you mean?



If I wanted to kill my husband,

I'd do it, and I wouldn't get caught.






I'd scare him to death.



No, you wouldn't.



We're all very sorry, Debbie.



We wish you only the best.



Aah! Aah!






~ Whoomp! Addams Family ~



~ There it is ~



~ Whoomp!

The Addams Family ~



~ Come on, come on ~



~ Whoomp! Addams Family ~



~ There it is ~



~ Whoomp!

The Addams Family ~



~ Yeah, yo, dig it ~



~ Back again,

the Addams Family ~



~ New baby in the house

makes three ~



~ Wednesday, Pugsley,

Lurch, you ring it ~



~ Fester, Grandmama,

and Thing ~



~ Wait, can't forget

cousin Itt ~



~ Tag team raps

another party hit ~



~ It's the Addams Family

movie thing ~



~ Gomez, Morticia,

come on, sing ~



~ Whoomp! Addams Family ~



~ There it is ~



~ Whoomp!

The Addams Family ~



~ Come on, come on ~



~ Whoomp! Addams Family ~



~ There it is ~



~ Whoomp!

The Addams Family ~



~ Let me tell you,

it's the A-D-D-A-M-S ~



~ The Addams Family,

y'all, yes, yes ~



~ They're creepy, kooky,

mysterious, spooky ~



~ As loony as can be

when you see the movie ~



~ It goes on and on,

the madness won't stop ~



~ Tick to the tock

around the clock ~



~ Tag team kicks the floor,

really, though ~



~ With the Addams Family,

so here we go ~



~ Whoomp! Addams Family ~



~ There it is ~



~ Whoomp!

The Addams Family ~



~ Hey, there it is ~



~ Whoomp! Addams Family ~



~ There it is ~



~ Whoomp!

The Addams Family ~



~ Come on, come on,

come on, come on ~



~ Whoomp! Family ~



~ Whoomp! Family, whoa ~



~ Whoomp! Family, whoa ~



~ The Addams Family ~



~ Whoomp! Family, whoa ~



~ Whoomp! Family, whoa ~



~ Whoomp! Family, whoa ~



~ The Addams Family ~



~ Something's strange,

something's funny ~



~ Nanny's got a plot

to get the family money ~



~ Makes Fester

fall for her ~



~ Thing gets wise,

spreads the word ~



~ The family

comes to Fester's aid ~



~ The plot is foiled,

no one gets paid ~



~ It's the Addams Family

runnin' things ~



~ Get back

while tag team swings ~



~ Whoomp! Addams Family ~



~ There it is ~



~ Whoomp!

The Addams Family ~



~ Yeah, come on, come on ~



~ Whoomp! Addams Family ~



~ There it is ~



~ Whoomp!

The Addams Family ~



~ Yeah, give it to me ~



~ It's a family thing,

and it won't quit ~



~ They keep it together,

y'all, and that's it ~



~ They're not ordinary,

just strange ~



~ Some say loco,

insane to the brain ~



~ But you know

that you love 'em ~



~ In a class

by theirselves ~



~ None below,

none above 'em ~



~ It ain't nothing

to be ashamed of~



~ So give love to the folks

who go by the name of~



~ Whoomp! Addams Family ~



~ There it is ~



~ Whoomp!

The Addams Family ~



~ Yeah ~



~ Whoomp! Addams Family ~



~ There it is ~



~ Whoomp!

The Addams Family ~



~ Ooh-ee ~



~ The Addams Family Theme,

I'm gonna kick it ~



~ Step to the mic

like Cube and get with it ~



~ Props to the number one

family of horror ~



~ This song's for the movie

and the dance floor ~



~ Tag team

always delivers the funk ~



~ From the old school,

with the bump for the trunk ~



~ And it umps,

with big bass on the low ~



~ Like my homey all said ~



~ You don't hear me, though ~



~ Whoomp! Addams Family ~



~ There it is ~



~ Whoomp!

The Addams Family ~



~ Yeah, give it to me ~



~ Whoomp! Addams Family ~



~ There it is ~



~ Whoomp!

The Addams Family ~



~ Yeah ~



~ Whoomp! Addams Family ~



~ There it is ~



~ Whoomp!

The Addams Family ~~



~ Express yourself~



~ Express yourself~



~ Ooh ~



~ Express yourself~



~ Express yourself~



~ Express yourself~



~ You don't ever need

help from nobody else ~



~ All you've got to do

now, yeah ~



~ Come on ~



~ Express yourself,

come on ~



~ Express yourself,

come on ~



~ Let it out

of its creepy shell ~



~ Because

you know you could ~



~ Express yourself,

come on ~



~ Express yourself,

come on ~



~ Come on, people

Come on, people ~



~ 'Cause you know

it's good, yeah ~



~ Express yourself~~



~ Breaking hearts ~



~Just ain't my day ~



~ It ain't my day ~



~ All I want to do ~



~ Is love you ~



~ Well ~



~ Sugar, I won't fill ya ~



~ With regret, my love ~



~ Yo, what you're lookin' for ~



~ Is real lovin' ~



~ Real lovin' ~



~ No matter what you see ~



~ Is what you get ~



~ Ahh, baby ~



~ What you see ~



~ Yeah, is what you get ~



~ Is what you get ~



~ What you see ~



~ What you see ~



~ Is what you get ~



~ Is what you get ~



~ I said what you see ~



~ Is what you get, now, baby ~



~ Is what you get ~



~ And real ~



~ And the real thing ~



~ Is the best thing yet ~



~ The best thing yet ~



~ Oh ~



~ Oh, what you see ~



~ Yes, why ~



~ Is what you get ~



~ Oh, oh ~



~ You're so good ~



~ I can't stand myself~



~ Ah, ah, ah ~



~ Is what you get ~



~ Ooh, baby ~



~ What you see ~



~ What you see ~



~ Is what you get ~



~ Is what you get ~



~ What you see ~



~ What you see ~



~ Is what you get ~



~ Is what you get ~



~ I said what you see ~



~ Is what you get, now, baby ~



~ Is what you get ~



~ And real ~



~ Is the best thing yet ~



~ The best thing yet ~



~ Are you ready for me? ~



~ Whoo! ~~



~ Do it, do it any way

you wanna do it ~



~ Do it any way you wanna ~



~ I saw you ~



~ Do it any way

you wanna do it ~



~ Do it any way you wanna ~



~ I saw you, baby ~



~ Do it ~



~ Do it any way you wanna ~



~ Do it ~



~ Do it ~



~ Do it any way

you wanna, wanna, wanna ~~



~ Whoomp! Addams Family ~



~ There it is ~



~ Whoomp!

The Addams Family ~



~ Whoomp!

The Addams Family ~~



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