All That Jazz Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the All That Jazz script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie about Bob Fosse starring Roy Scheider.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of All That Jazz. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

All That Jazz Script


   

                   

OK, one more time. From the top.

Six beats, all right?



 

                   

One, two, three, four. One, two...



 

                   

To be on the wire is life.

The rest... is waiting.



 

                   

- That's very theatrical, Joe.

- Yeah, I know.



 

                   

- Did you make it up?

- I wish I had.



 

                   

- Do you like it?

- Well, it's all right.



 

                   

It's showtime, folks!



 

                   

They say the neon lights

are bright on Broadway



 

                   

They say there's always magic in the air



  

                   

But when you're walkin' down that street



  

                   

And you ain't had enough to eat



  

                   

The glitter rubs right off

and you're nowhere



  

                   

They say the women

treat you fine on Broadway



  

                   

But lookin'at them just gives me the blues



  

                   

Cos how you gonna make some time



  

                   

When all you got is one thin dime?



  

                   

And one thin dime

won't even shine your shoes



  

                   

They say that I won't

last too long on Broadway



  

                   

I'll catch a Greyhound bus for home,

they all say



  

                   

But they're dead wrong, I know they are



  

                   

Cos I can play this here guitar



  

                   

And I won't quit till I'm a star



  

                   

On Broadway



  

                   

They say that I won't last too long

on Broadway...



  

                   

Autumn?



  

                   

- Is that your real name?

- Yes, sir.



  

                   

- You sure you don't wanna change that?

- Well, if you give me the job I'll change it.



  

                   

But they're dead wrong, I know they are



  

                   

Cos I can play this here guitar



  

                   

And I won't quit till I'm a star...



  

                   

Victoria Porter.

Is this your, uh... your home phone?



  

                   

... till I'm a star



  

                   

On Broadway



  

                   

No, no, no, no, no...



  

                   

- You were in The Wiz?

- Mr Gideon, I've never been in any show.



  

                   

I had to put something on the card.

I really need ajob, so I lied.



  

                   

It's all right, Rima. I lie all the time myself.



  

                   

Oh, fuck him! He never picks me!



  

                   

Honey, I did fuck him,

and he never picks me either!



  

                   

- You were in Traffic Jam?

- Yes, sir.



  

                   

- Who was the director of Traffic Jam?

- You were, Mr Gideon.



  

                   

- Oh. How was I?

- Terrific.



  

                   

- And who was the choreographer?

- You were, Mr Gideon.



  

                   

- How was I?

- Fantastic.



  

                   

That's how you get ajob.



  

                   

God, I hope he doesn't pick her.

She's uglier than a witch's tit.



  

                   

The expression is "colder than a witch's tit".



  

                   

- You've never seen a woman's tit in your life.

- Shh. Be quiet, you two.



  

                   

OK, thank you all very much.

It was a terrific audition. Just stay in line.



  

                   

Now that's what I call a real drinker's nose.



  

                   

And you should know, because

you're a real drinker, aren't you, Joe?



  

                   

- Yeah.

- Also heavy into speed, aren't you?



  

                   

- Yeah.

- Also sleep with a great many women.



  

                   

- Real turn-off, huh?

- Just the opposite.



  

                   

I'll make up my mind about the men later.

I know which girls I want.



  

                   

Candy, Casey, Rima,

Jennifer and Victoria Porter.



  

                   

- The one in the shocking-pink leotard?

- See if any are willing to be swing dancers.



  

                   

- She's tone-deaf.

- With those legs, who cares?



  

                   

Oh, Joey, I know you're in a hurry,

but I want to check your schedule.



  

                   

- Same as always.

- Joey? Joey, can we talk a minute, please?



  

                   

- Joey...

- What is it?



  

                   

- You left me without a soprano again!

- Paul, please, will you let me handle it?



  

                   

- What about Diane?

- What about Diane?



  

                   

I've had her in three shows. She's wonderful.



  

                   

At least she can sing. You left me

without a soprano. I gotta have a soprano!



  

                   

Gentlemen, Mr Gideon...



  

                   

The tall dancer with the blue eye shadow -

believe me, he'll hit the high notes.



  

                   

The five Murray is talking to,

those are the girls I want. OK with you?



  

                   

The tall girl, Victoria - I like her, Daddy.



  

                   

Hm, she's all right.



  

                   

I really screwed up that marriage.



  

                   

Because I cheated. Oh, man,

I cheated every chance I could get.



  

                   

OK with you, Audrey?



  

                   

Sure. Fine with me.

What about this weekend with Michelle?



  

                   

Oh, Jesus... I forgot.

I gotta work this weekend.



  

                   

Oh, Joe! You promised her.



  

                   

I know I promised, but what am I gonna do?



  

                   

That's OK.



  

                   

- I'm sorry, Michelle.

- It's OK.



  

                   

If you want me, I'll be in the cutting room.



  

                   

He promised me.



  

                   

- Some fucking father.

- Family?



  

                   

- Screwed up.

- Work?



  

                   

All there is.



  

                   

If I were God, man...

And sometimes I think I am...



  

                   

Depends on the shit you're smoking...



  

                   

OK. If I were God, man,

everybody would live for ever.



  

                   

No death, man.

No pennies on the eyes for anybody.



  

                   

Well, a couple of people, like my agent,

who booked me into this toilet...



  

                   

Why is he mumbling like that?



  

                   

I'll tell you why. Cos I'm the dummy

who let him mumble like that.



  

                   

- Try it.

...death and the clap.



  

                   

So far, I've managed to avoid one of them.



  

                   

You know, man,

death is really a hip thing now.



  

                   

But we all have

very different feelings about it.



  

                   

For instance, to a Catholic,

death is a promotion.



  

                   

Excuse me, Stacy.



  

                   

Women?



  

                   

Hope?



   

                   

All this bullshit about "death with dignity".



   

                   

You know what death with dignity is?

You don't drool.



   

                   

Change-of-pace time. Request.

Here we go, Vic O'Dante. Hey!



   

                   

Beauty?



   

                   

- Oh, you're a flirt.

- Mm-hm.



   

                   

Death is in, death is in



   

                   

Hear them church bells ring



   

                   

I love it, I love it, I love it!



   

                   

Books, magazine articles, TVshows, Ken and

Barbie dolls who have a mutual suicide pact...



   

                   

Oh, man, how many times

do we have to look at the same thing?



   

                   

Until he gets it the way he wants it.



   

                   

There's a lady in Chicago, man,

wrote a book - Dr Kübler-Ross, with a dash.



   

                   

This chick, man, without

the benefit of dying herself,



   

                   

has broken the process

of death into five stages.



   

                   

Anger, denial, bargaining, depression and

acceptance. Sounds like a Jewish law firm.



   

                   

"Good morning. Anger, Denial,

Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance".



   

                   

Anger.



   

                   

Jesus Christ! Goddamn

son-of-a-bitch, pig-suckin'bastards!



   

                   

Oh, pooh!



   

                   

Bargaining. What did I say? Anger, denial,

bargaining, depression, acceptance.



   

                   

All right, if you happen

to get to denial... denial...



   

                   

"No, that's not me, man. No. Oh-ho...

Somebody else, maybe, but not me".



   

                   

"Oh, no. You got the wrong...

How about my mother, man?"



   

                   

"She's old, I'm weaned, I'm toilet-trained.

Bye, Ma. You've been terrific. I love ya".



   

                   

- But not me!

- Mother?



   

                   

Kinda chubby. And jolly.



   

                   

And sexy.



   

                   

Bargaining. Remember her?



   

                   

"Can we sit down and talk

about this like businessmen?"



   

                   

"A negotiation, OK? No more hard drugs.

A little grass, maybe, but that's it".



   

                   

"OK, all right, look, man, I promise

I won't flash on subways any more, OK?"



   

                   

Cat drives a hard bargain. Depression...



   

                   

- Hi, Katie.

- "I'm dying!"



   

                   

"Oh, God, am I dying?!"



   

                   

Wanna have dinner together

before I go to the theatre?



   

                   

- I can't.

- "The doctor's not dying".



   

                   

- Should I come over to your apartment later?

- Yeah, sure.



   

                   

- Father?

- Liar, womaniser. You woulda liked him.



   

                   

Wait a minute. I don't know.

We may be working very late tonight.



   

                   

- That's OK.

- Yeah. We'll talk later.



   

                   

"At those prices, man,

who can afford to live?"



   

                   

So... acceptance.



   

                   

- "I accept!"

- Hold it.



   

                   

- Hold it.

- Finished, or you wanna run it again?



   

                   

No, I do not want to run it again,

thank you very much. We are finished.



   

                   

- Anybody have any ideas?

- Oh, I like it, Joe. I think it's really funny.



   

                   

Who asked you, Stacy?



   

                   

It's too long... I don't know.

Maybe we can get away with it.



   

                   

Do you suppose

Stanley Kubrick gets depressed?



   

                   

- Do you wanna work tonight, Joe?

- No, I gotta work on the show.



   

                   

You have really got something... special.



   

                   

All right...



   

                   

All right!



   

                   

I want so to be a movie star.



   

                   

Oh?



   

                   

Ever since I was a little kid,



   

                   

I wanted to see my face

on the screen...    feet wide.



   

                   

Oh, yeah?



   

                   

"I have always depended

on the kindness of strangers".



   

                   

You're looking at my nose,

aren't you? It's crooked.



   

                   

It goes to the left. See?



   

                   

I mean, like, I could always

have that fixed. Like that.



   

                   

Do you think I could be?



   

                   

You know. A movie star.

In the movies.



   

                   

Well, that's...



   

                   

I don't know anybody

that could answer that question.



   

                   

It's... it's a very freaky business, you know?



   

                   

Yeah, I know all about that,

but, like, I wanna know what you think.



   

                   

Do you think I could be a movie star?



   

                   

No.



   

                   

Even with a nose job?



   

                   

Well, that's fair.



   

                   

Like you said, it is a freaky business, though.

You know, you could be wrong, right?



   

                   

Right.



   

                   

I don't dance so hot either, do I?



   

                   

You will. I promise you.



   

                   

You wanna go to bed?



   

                   

Yeah.



   

                   

I'm sorry. Oh, am I sorry.



   

                   

- Katie!

- I shoulļve called first.



   

                   

Oh, shit.



   

                   

- Did I, like, screw anything up?

- No. I screwed it up.



   

                   

Oh, I meant to call her.



   

                   

Oh, boy, you are really something.



   

                   

I'm Joey's mother.



   

                   

Ever since he was so high,

he's had such a crush on you!



   

                   

I've always been fond of Joe, too.



   

                   

Of all the children, he was the least worry.



   

                   

He worked in all those

cheap burlesque clubs.



   

                   

Always around stark-naked girls!



   

                   

But did it bother him? No.



   

                   

He never paid any attention.

Never even looked at them.



   

                   

Amatis, you love. Amant, they love.



   

                   

Amo, amas, amat, amamus, amatis, amant.



   

                   

Hey, kid, what kind of language is that?



   

                   

Oh, it's not a language. It's just some

jokes I'm working on. Some crazy jokes.



   

                   

"Pu... Pu..."



   

                   

Puella. Girl.



   

                   

"First Year Latin"?



   

                   

It's my kid brother's.



   

                   

- How old are you?

-   .



   

                   

Uh-huh. What year were you born?



   

                   

Uh,     ...



   

                   

- Try     .

- Right.     .



   

                   

    ?



   

                   

     yeah.



   

                   

Now try     .



   

                   

See you around, kid.



   

                   

Maybe we could have

a drink together sometime?



   

                   

Oh, sure.



   

                   

You notice we have small waitresses here.

You know why? Make the drinks look bigger.



   

                   

That's my favourite one.

The one with the big tips.



   

                   

I got problems, too.

I went to see my psychiatrist.



   

                   

I told him I have suicidal tendencies.

He says "From now on, you pay in advance".



   

                   

Look, I don't have to do this for a living.

I have four chinchillas at home in heat.



   

                   

No, I make a lot of money.

I just have trouble passing it.



   

                   

I just have trouble passing it. Is this on?



   

                   

First-year Latin!



   

                   

It's three o'clock in the morning.

Isn't it past your bedtime?



   

                   

I don't look for big laughs. I'll settle

for intelligent nods. Anything. Wink.



   

                   

You better stop lying, or your nose will grow!



   

                   

Ooh! Something's growing!



   

                   

The drummer's not really with the band,

but he has the car. Married    years.



   

                   

   years, no children! Strict mother-in-law.



   

                   

Let's continue on. Right now, ladies

and gentlemen, here he is, Tops'n'Taps,



   

                   

- may we present Mr Joe Gideon!

- You're on!



   

                   

Joey's never done anything to disappoint me.



   

                   

It's showtime, folks.



   

                   

- You believe in love?

- I believe in saying "I love you".



   

                   

Helps you concentrate.



   

                   

Joe, they've asked me

to go on tour with the show.



   

                   

How long?



   

                   

Six months. What do you think?



   

                   

- And you say it all the time.

- I say it a lot. A lot.



   

                   

- When?

- When it works.



   

                   

You know, I love you, Katie, but I think

you have to do what's best for you.



   

                   

- Just what do you mean, Joe?

- Sometimes it doesn't work.



   

                   

I mean, for your sake, I think you should go.



   

                   

Hello, Michael? It's Katie.



   

                   

So, um, did you mean it about dinner?



   

                   

Wally's at eleven?



   

                   

You're surprised? I'm a little surprised.



   

                   

Thank you. OK, Michael. Bye-bye.



   

                   

I'm a little surprised too. Isn't that nice?

Now we're all a little surprised.



   

                   

- Who was that?

- Michael Graham.



   

                   

- Who is Michael Graham?

- The dancer in my ballet class.



   

                   

Straight or gay?



   

                   

What do you mean?



   

                   

I mean is he looking to get laid,

or is he looking for Mr Right?



   

                   

He's straight.



   

                   

And tall.



   

                   

Michael Graham is a very tall name.



   

                   

Oh, goddammit!



   

                   

How dare you use my phone, my telephone,

to call somebody who's not gay?



   

                   

I see. You can go out

with any girl, any girl in town...



   

                   

That's right. I go out with any girl in town.



   

                   

I stay in with you.



   

                   

Joe, it's not fair...

I'm spilling the coffee...



   

                   

It's all wrong. Everything is all wrong.



   

                   

That's some set of rules you had for her.



   

                   

Yeah, I know. I know.



   

                   

But as long as you could

get away with it, right?



   

                   

Right.



   

                   

I don't wanna go out with Michael Graham.

I don't want a date. I have no small talk left.



   

                   

I don't wanna fool around, I don't wanna

play games and I don't wanna fight.



   

                   

I just want to love you.



   

                   

Katie...



   

                   

I try to give you everything I can give.



   

                   

Oh, you give, all right. Presents, clothes...



   

                   

I just wish



   

                   

you weren't so generous with your cock.



   

                   

That's good.



   

                   

Maybe I can use that some time.



   

                   

Katie! About the goddamn tour...

I don't think you should go.



   

                   

Wrong reading.



   

                   

Softly and with feeling.



   

                   

Don't go.



   

                   

Please?



   

                   

- Why do you suppose she put up with it?

- I can think of many reasons



   

                   

- for wanting to be with you.

- Now don't bullshit a bullshitter.



   

                   

Take off with us, take off with us



   

                   

We're warmin' up, so take off with us



   

                   

NY to LA-A-A



   

                   

Goin' all the way-ay-ay



   

                   

Won't you climb aboard?



   

                   

You'll ride as smooth as glass



   

                   

- It's perfect. Didn't I tell you?

- Up there, where the clouds are pillowy



   

                   

You're as close to heaven as you'll ever be



   

                   

Lean back, relax, here come the snacks



   

                   

Drop your diet, have a fall



   

                   

Don't stop with one, try 'em all



   

                   

Music's ready to begin



   

                   

Take out your headset, plug it in



   

                   

What's your answer, chu-hu-hum?



   

                   

Are you gonna co-o-ome?



   

                   

On the coolest, hottest trip



   

                   

That's ever been



   

                   

Oh, it's very, very good!



   

                   

I think we might even get

a commercial tie-in with the airlines.



   

                   

- You think so? Great.

- Audrey?



   

                   

Well, ask...



   

                   

Yeah, it's OK.



   

                   

Let me see what I can do with it.



   

                   

I think it's just what the show needs.

It's catchy, it's bouncy. Right, Ted?



   

                   

- Oh, yeah, very bouncy and catchy.

- Can we hear it again?



   

                   

- I'd love to hear it again.

- Oh! Arnie...



   

                   

Turn. Some fuckin' music.



   

                   

- Turn back.

- Arch your back. Extend the right leg.



   

                   

Ease your partner down gently.

Slide. Slide.



   

                   

Slide!



   

                   

Have you ever slept with another woman?



   

                   

I once tried living with two girls.

Two girls at once.



   

                   

- We lived together.

- Laughed together.



   

                   

- Drank together.

- Smoked together.



   

                   

Slept together.



   

                   

Woke up one morning...

one of them was gone.



   

                   

On the bureau, she left a note.



   

                   

I'm sorry. I cannot share you any more.



   

                   

I want you all to myself, or not at all.



   

                   

Please, please try to understand.



   

                   

I not only understood, I was flattered.



   

                   

I was flattered that she felt

so strongly about me.



   

                   

How did you know the note was to you?



   

                   

No. No, that's not me, man. No.



   

                   

Somebody else, maybe, but not me.



   

                   

- What is this, Eddie?

- Not me. Talk to him.



   

                   

Joey, I gotta talk to you

about these time sheets.



   

                   

Three weeks now we've been on triple time.

The brass is eating my ass out!



   

                   

You shot    days on a   -day schedule.



   

                   

On a four-month editing schedule,

you've gone seven months.



   

                   

We're already  .  million

over the original budget.



   

                   

Joey, God made the entire world in six days.

He didn't go on overtime once.



   

                   

You can't even cut an hour-and-a-half movie

in seven months, on triple time?



   

                   

Joey, I hate to do this.

I'm usually a very calm man,



   

                   

but this whole thing

has got me terribly crazy.



   

                   

I must put my foot down.

Joey, the whole thing has gotta stop.



   

                   

It has to stop. It's got to stop!



   

                   

It just simply must stop!



   

                   

Josh, I made changes in the monologue.

I think you'll like it. I have to go to rehearsal.



   

                   

At those prices, who can afford to live?



   

                   

- Nice talking to you, Josh.

- So I accept!



   

                   

Oh, my God. It is better.



   

                   

- God help us all.

- Wait a minute. Real dead body.



   

                   

It's better.



   

                   

OK, that looks pretty good. I like it.

Let's go. Everybody down, in a straight line.



   

                   

Move down, move down.

Move down, Victoria.



   

                   

- And sing it out. Here we go.

- Five, six, seven...



   

                   

And any seat you grab will be first class



   

                   

Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight...

And I don't like it.



   

                   

Uh, double that.



   

                   

- Which button?

- The white one, down.



   

                   

Ah, that stinks. Let's play something else.

Do me a favour. Take off your shoes.



   

                   

- What's that?

- It's a mint.



   

                   

- Can I have one?

- No, come on, you wouldn't like it.



   

                   

Let me try this.



   

                   

Here, you stand over there,

then jump up on my shoulder.



   

                   

Oh, God, you're getting heavy.



   

                   

All right, put your leg in an arabesque.

There we are.



   

                   

- How are things at home?

- They're pretty good.



   

                   

All right, watch your back now.



   

                   

- Anything you wanna tell me?

- I promised Mom I wouldn't bring it up.



   

                   

But you're gonna bring it up anyway.



   

                   

Sit down. You can tell me

anything. You know that.



   

                   

Gimme your wrists. Ready? And jump.



   

                   

- It's just that I keep wondering, Dad...

- Bend your knees.



   

                   

What is it you keep wondering?



   

                   

Why don't you get married again?



   

                   

Do a head roll.



   

                   

I don't get married again because

I can't find anyone I dislike enough



   

                   

to inflict that kind of torture on.



   

                   

Hey, why don't you marry Katie?

She's terrific.



   

                   

Keep rolling your head.



   

                   

Straighten your leg. Yeah, you're right.



   

                   

She's terrific. That's exactly

why I don't wanna marry her.



   

                   

Run off to the corner.

Jump and I'll catch you.



   

                   

And Victoria? You're not too crazy about her.



   

                   

Just run and jump.

Never mind that. Come on.



   

                   

- What about the blonde?

- What blonde?



   

                   

The one in Philadelphia with the TV show?

You know, the one Mom keeps talking about.



   

                   

Oh, yeah, that blonde.



   

                   

Jump up and wrap your legs around me.



   

                   

Wrap around, that's it.



   

                   

Why is it so important to you that...

Follow my hand.



   

                   

Why is it so important to you

that I get married again?



   

                   

Cos then you'd stop screwing around.



   

                   

Hey! Watch your language.



   

                   

- Oh, shit! Look at the time.

- Oh, Daddy, can't we stay longer?



   

                   

- No, your mother will kill me.

- Oh, it's so much fun.



   

                   

No, no, absolutely. Come on.

Stop flocking your legs. Come on.



   

                   

- Oh, please?

- No, no, no, no.



   

                   

Besides, if you got married again, maybe

you'd have a baby and l'd have a brother.



   

                   

I'll call Hertz and rent you a brother.



   

                   

- Oh, very funny.

- Oh, everybody's a critic.



   

                   

Showtime, folks.



   

                   

Showtime.



   

                   

Five, six, seven, eight.



   

                   

Stop smiling. Lay back. Lay back.



   

                   

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Candy, Casey, very good.



   

                   

You're gonna do it again, Victoria.

Gary, Danny, let's go.



   

                   

Stop smiling. It's not

the high-school play. Count.



   

                   

Five, six, seven, eight.



   

                   

Hold it.



   

                   

Stand on your right foot.



   

                   

Point your left toe.



   

                   

Drop that shoulder.

Now, that's not too hard, is it?



   

                   

Again.



   

                   

Five, six, seven, eight.



   

                   

Lay back, Victoria. Lay back.



   

                   

Lay back!



   

                   

Hold it, hold it.



   

                   

- Sorry.

- No, you're right. I'm terrible.



   

                   

I know I'm terrible. I look

in the mirror and I'm embarrassed.



   

                   

Maybe I should quit. I... I just

can't seem to do anything right.



   

                   

Listen, I can't make you a great dancer.



   

                   

I don't even know

if I can make you a good dancer.



   

                   

But if you keep tryin' and don't quit,



   

                   

I know I can make you a better dancer.



   

                   

And I'd like very much to do that.



   

                   

Stay?



   

                   

Are you gonna keep yelling at me?



   

                   

Probably.



   

                   

Five, six, seven, eight. One and two,

three, four, five, six, seven, eight. One, two.



   

                   

One, two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight. One, two.



   

                   

Better.



   

                   

Breathe deep. Again.



   

                   

Hold it.



   

                   

All right, you can turn around now.



   

                   

Breathe deep.



   

                   

Again.



   

                   

All right, you can put your shirt on now.



   

                   

Well, Doctor? Does he pass?



   

                   

Good. Now I'm worth a million dollars.



   

                   

That's only if you die before February  st.



   

                   

Schedules, Goldie, always schedules.



   

                   

Can we take you to lunch, Doctor?



   

                   

And any seat you grab

will be first class



   

                   

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.



   

                   

Nah, that's no good either. Let's try this.



   

                   

- Measure    .

- I do the same as before?



   

                   

Yeah, same thing, only I'll be behind you.



   

                   

And any seat you grab will be first class



   

                   

Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.



   

                   

All right, let's everybody try it.

Grab a partner. Come on.



   

                   

OK, here we go. Ready?



   

                   

Five, six, seven, eight.



   

                   

And any seat you grab will be first class



   

                   

Five, six, seven...



   

                   

- Do it again.

- Once more, everybody.



   

                   

Ready? Five, six, seven...



   

                   

And any seat you grab will be first class



   

                   

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.



   

                   

OK.



   

                   

- OK, here we go. Once more, everybody.

- I gotta get outta here. I'll be back later.



   

                   

- How does this look, Paul?

- I love it, love it.



   

                   

No. It's too cute.



   

                   

Ah! Oh, shit.



   

                   

I can't go back to that room.

I can't face those dancers.



   

                   

I'm stuck. They keep staring at me,

and nothing's coming out.



   

                   

- Oh, boy, the number's lousy.

- My song, lousy?



   

                   

No, not the song. Me, me,

the way I'm staging it.



   

                   

- Maybe we should cut it.

- Cut it? I think I'll leave.



   

                   

Paul, sit right there. Go back to bar   .



   

                   

And...



   

                   

Did you hear what I said?

Nothing is coming.



   

                   

Don't worry, Paul, he always says the same

thing about every number, in every show.



   

                   

Now how the hell do you know

what I always say?



   

                   

- It would be better if I stepped outside.

- Keep playing, Paul.



   

                   

I'm only doing this goddamn show because

you wanna play that stupid   -year-old girl.



   

                   

Oh, I knew sooner or later you'd say that.



   

                   

You do think I'm too old for the part.



   

                   

Well, you're wrong.



   

                   

I can play    years old,

and I'll damn well prove it.



   

                   

You wanna quit the show? Quit the show.



   

                   

You don't have to do anything for me.



   

                   

Just don't kid yourself that you're doing this

show for any reason except guilt about me.



   

                   

Guilt? What guilt?



   

                   

For never going one day

when you were faithful to me?



   

                   

Oh, that guilt.



   

                   

Faithful, faithful... You're always

talking about being faithful.



   

                   

Audrey, why do you think so small?



   

                   

Besides, how do I know

you were faithful to me?



   

                   

- You know I was.

- That's right, I know you were.



   

                   

- Oh, you meant to do that.

- Yes, I did.



   

                   

You kept me working all the time.

I never had a chance to cheat.



   

                   

What is this big hang-up about fidelity?



   

                   

What makes being faithful

the greatest friggin' virtue in the world?



   

                   

Excuse me.



   

                   

Well, it is a great deal better



   

                   

than the meaningless affairs

you keep tap-dancing through.



   

                   

Those Stacys, those Victorias...



   

                   

You're not even fooling Michelle

with Victoria, you know.



   

                   

- Straighten that leg.

- It is as straight as it's ever going to get.



   

                   

Oh, the Bonnies, the Wendys,

the Debbies, the Donnas...



   

                   

I can't even remember

all their names. Give me a hand.



   

                   

Keep playing, Paul.



   

                   

Bet you can't either. Quick, tell me, what

was the name of the girl in Philadelphia?



   

                   

The blonde with the television show?



   

                   

Oh, the blonde with the television

show in Philadelphia?



   

                   

I remember that girl's name.

Because that girl meant something to me.



   

                   

The blonde with the television show,

her name was Sweetheart.



   

                   

- Honey?

- No.



   

                   

Baby?



   

                   

I can't remember her name.



   

                   

Dorothy.



   

                   

- Dorothy.

- Who cares?



   

                   

I can't remember her name.



   

                   

The number's lookin' good.



   

                   

Keep working.



   

                   

- Is he gonna cut the number?

- No, I don't think so, Paul.



   

                   

He's gonna cut it. He's gonna cut it.



   

                   

Oh, God, that man.

He's gonna drive me crazy.



   

                   

It's showtime, folks.



   

                   

It's... it's not quite ready yet.



   

                   

And, Paul, it's not exactly

the way we talked about it.



   

                   

- Hm?

- It's a little different.



   

                   

- Mind doing that somewhere else?

- Sorry.



   

                   

If you wanna come in, I'll show it

to you in about five minutes.



   

                   

I wanna get a drink of water.



   

                   

Take off with us



   

                   

Take off with us



   

                   

We're warmin' up so



   

                   

We're warmin' up



   

                   

NY to LA



   

                   

Going all the way



   

                   

Won't you climb aboard



   

                   

You'll ride as smooth as glass



   

                   

Glass



   

                   

Meet our friendly, eager crew



   

                   

They only live to service you



   

                   

Service, service, service you



   

                   

This flight, this flight comes complete



   

                   

With your choice of seat



   

                   

And any seat you grab will be first class



   

                   

Up there, where the clouds are pillowy



   

                   

You're as close to heaven

as you'll ever be



   

                   

Lean back, relax



   

                   

Here come the snacks



   

                   

Drop your diet, have a fall



   

                   

Don't stop, don't stop, don't stop with one



   

                   

Try 'em all



   

                   

Try 'em all



   

                   

The music's ready to begin



   

                   

Take out your headset, plug it in



   

                   

What's your answer, chum?



   

                   

Are you gonna come?



   

                   

On the coolest, hottest



   

                   

Coolest, hottest



   

                   

Coolest, hottest trip that's ever been



   

                   

Lean back, relax



   

                   

Thanks, thanks a lot, but it's

not exactly over yet. Murray?



   

                   

Smoke, smoke.



   

                   

Smoke... Smoke...



   

                   

The lights go down

and a light comes up over there.



   

                   

Welcome. Welcome aboard Air Rotica.



   

                   

Take off with us



   

                   

Flying not only coast to coast...



   

                   

...but anywhere your desires

and fantasies wish to take you.



   

                   

Take off with us



   

                   

Let us all get to know one another.



   

                   

- Remember, we can take you anywhere.

- They're taking their clothes off.



   

                   

Mm-hm.



   

                   

Just reach out your hand

and introduce yourselves.



   

                   

- My name is Sam.

- My name is Otto.



   

                   

- My name is Jennifer.

- My name is Rima.



   

                   

- Gary.

- John.



   

                   

Uh-oh. I think we just lost

the family audience.



   

                   

- My name is Candace.

- My name is Jennifer.



   

                   

- My name is Rima.

- My name is Danny.



   

                   

- My name is Autumn.

- My name's Sandahl.



   

                   

- My name is John.

- My name is Gary.



   

                   

And don't forget about

our group fun, fun, fun plan.



   

                   

Now Sinatra will never record it.



   

                   

Then an actor comes out

from the side of the stage and says...



   

                   

- "Not once, during any of our flights..."

- Goodbye.



   

                   

- See you around.

- Hope to see you again real soon.



   

                   

"...of any real human communication".



   

                   

- Well, uh...

- Goodbye.



   

                   

"Our motto is: we take you

everywhere, but get you nowhere".



   

                   

Boy, I hate to hurt his feelings,

but we can't have that on a stage.



   

                   

Take five.



   

                   

Well?



   

                   

Yeah, it's, um... it's, uh...



   

                   

interesting.



   

                   

Yes, very interesting.



   

                   

Did you like it?



   

                   

- It's unusual.

- Mm-hm, very unusual.



   

                   

Oh, I don't think they liked it.



   

                   

What do you think?



   

                   

I don't know about the audiences, but

I think it's the best work you've ever done.



   

                   

You son of a bitch.



   

                   

Jesus Christ! Sex, sex, sex - can't he

ever think of anything else but sex?



   

                   

That's his sickness.



   

                   

Nah, nothin' I ever do is good enough.



   

                   

It's not beautiful enough, it's not

funny enough, it's not deep enough...



   

                   

It's not anything enough.



   

                   

Now, when I see a rose, that's perfect.



   

                   

I mean, that's perfect. I wanna look up to God

and say "How the hell did you do that?"



   

                   

- "And why the hell can't I do that?"

- That's probably one of your better con lines.



   

                   

Yeah, it is. But that

doesn't mean I don't mean it.



   

                   

If I were God...



   

                   

Sometimes I think I am...



   

                   

Depends on the shit you're smoking...



   

                   

If I were God, man,

everybody would live for ever.



   

                   

No death, man. No pennies

on the eyes for anybody.



   

                   

You know, man, death

is really a hip thing now.



   

                   

Death is in.



   

                   

Books, magazine articles, TVshows, Ken

and Barbie dolls with a mutual suicide pact...



   

                   

Buried them in a little shoebox.



   

                   

Knew a guy who bought a pair of them.

He was into doll necrophilia.



   

                   

If it cuts...



   

                   

- All right, little thing. Oooh!

- It's terrific.



   

                   

There's a lady in Chicago, man,

wrote a book. Dr Kübler-Ross, with a dash.



   

                   

This chick, man, without

the benefit of dying herself,



   

                   

has broken the process

of death into five stages.



   

                   

Anger, denial, bargaining,

depression and acceptance.



   

                   

- That's it.

- Sounds like a Jewish law firm.



   

                   

- Got time to make some changes?

- Not and make the screening tonight, no.



   

                   

- I cannot believe people are gonna see this.

- Neither can I.



   

                   

- It's a bomb.

- Really?



   

                   

Yeah, really. You'll have to make a speech.

Tell 'em it's a rough cut, we're not finished...



   

                   

- Tell 'em any excuse you can think of.

- Why don't you tell 'em?



   

                   

- I'm not gonna be there.

- You're not coming? Where you gonna be?



   

                   

Hiding someplace, probably

vomiting, or drinking, or both.



   

                   

We'll start recutting Monday morning.



   

                   

They bought that love story?



   

                   

Oh, I'm sorry.

I wasn't answering the phone.



   

                   

I think they told me they liked it.



   

                   

Just wasn't answering the phone...

Come on, don't bullshit a bullshitter.



   

                   

No, I don't believe you either.



   

                   

I'll have her home by   .   don't worry. Bye.



   

                   

Oh, shit.



   

                   

Hello. Stacy? Oh, listen,

I'm sorry. I'm in a meeting.



   

                   

Just don't panic on the staircase.



   

                   

At least three people said

how much they liked the screening.



   

                   

One was my producer, one was

my lawyer and one was Michelle's mother.



   

                   

Oh, Joe, everybody loved it. We tried to

tell you that last night. You wouldn't listen.



   

                   

You know, that was the first R-rated

movie I ever saw, and I loved it.



   

                   

- Did you understand it?

- Well, I understood everything



   

                   

except the part where the two girls

were in bed together and they were kissing.



   

                   

What was that supposed to mean?



   

                   

- Is dinner ready yet?

- No.



   

                   

- What was that supposed to mean?

- Well, Michelle, uh,



   

                   

there are certain women who...



   

                   

- Who...?

- Thanks a lot.



   

                   

There are certain women

who just don't relate to men, so they...



   

                   

I think lesbian scenes are a big turn-off.



   

                   

I shoulda cut it.



   

                   

- What's goin' on here?

- Never mind. You'll find out.



   

                   

- Couldn't I be doin' somethin'?

- Just turn off the lights when we tell you.



   

                   

- Turn on the phonograph when we tell you.

- Yes, ma'am.



   

                   

Oh, no, don't...



   

                   

- Where'd you get those hats?

- Not tellin' ya.



   

                   

That's for us to know and for you to find out.



   

                   

- Oh, the lights, lights, lights.

- Joe, could you turn off the lights, please?



   

                   

Now turn on those whachamacallit lights.



   

                   

Yes, ma'am.



   

                   

Crash!



   

                   

Ladies and gentlemen, in honour

of El Stinko, El Blotto's screening



   

                   

of Joe Gideon's new film, The Stand-up,



   

                   

we are proud to present those two

dancing sensations Jagger and Gideon!



   

                   

- Gideon and Jagger.

- Gideon and Jagger.



   

                   

Give us our music, Joe.

In an under-rehearsed tribute.



   

                   

- Sit down, Joe, sit down.

- Sit down, Daddy.



   

                   

And... go!



   

                   

- I'm nervous.

- I'm nervous too.



   

                   

Let's go, let's go.



   

                   

When trumpets... were mellow



   

                   

And everyone only had one fellow



   

                   

No need to remember when



   

                   

Cos everything old is new again



   

                   

I said everything old is new again



   

                   

Dancin'at your... Long Island

jazz-age parties



   

                   

Waiter, let me have some more Bacardis



   

                   

Let's order now what they ordered then



   

                   

Cos everything old is new again



   

                   

- Get out your white suit, tap shoes and tails

- Scoop, scoop...



   

                   

- Let's go backward when forward fails

- Strut.



   

                   

Movie stars that you thought are long-dead



   

                   

- Now are framed beside your bed

- Look familiar, Joe?



   

                   

Don't throw the past away



   

                   

You might need it some rainy day



   

                   

Dreams can come true again



   

                   

Cos everything old is new again



   

                   

I said everything old is new again



   

                   

Get out your white suit,

your tap shoes and tails



   

                   

Let's go backward when forward fails



   

                   

Leave Greta Garbo alone



   

                   

- Go get him!

- Be a movie star on your own



   

                   

And don't throw... don't throw the past away



   

                   

Oh, we're all gonna need it some rainy day



   

                   

Dreams can come true again



   

                   

Well, everything old is new again



   

                   

I said everything old is new again



   

                   

- Pretty pictures.

- I might fall...



   

                   

I might fall



   

                   

- In love...

- Watch your feet.



   

                   

In love



   

                   

With...



   

                   

You again!



   

                   

- Can we do it again?

- I don't wanna.



   

                   

It's showtime, folks.



   

                   

And these two columns

revolve New York to LA.



   

                   

And over here on the other side,

the same thing.



   

                   

There's two staircases down here and

two more that come back into the orchestra.



   

                   

Oh, yeah, and this centrepiece

moves out for the interior scenes,



   

                   

and up there, that's Stan.



   

                   

You'll get familiar with it when we start.



   

                   

OK, now, all I wanna do now

is to read easily through the script,



   

                   

and, frankly, I'm not too

familiar with it myself.



   

                   

So if we go through it, then you'll give Paul

and me some rough idea of what we've got.



   

                   

OK, no acting.

Everyone just take it easy. Easy.



   

                   

All right, lights up.



   

                   

Audrey, you have your first number,

and then you begin reading on page two.



   

                   

You see, Sammy, in California,

everybody needs a car.



   

                   

I got a friend who bought a Mercedes

just to get to the bathroom.



   

                   

I guess only in America can a   -year-old girl

like me own a house like this in Beverly Hills.



   

                   

Thank you all very much.

You've done a wonderful job.



   

                   

Take an hour and a half for lunch.

Don't forget to sign the Boston hotel list.



   

                   

Excuse me.



   

                   

There's no use to panic till

we find out what it really is.



   

                   

Do stop that.



   

                   

Dr Ballinger is looking at him now.

Ballinger is the best there is, Audrey.



   

                   

- Dr Hyman, we just left him. He seemed fine.

- Just fine.



   

                   

Well, he called. He said he had

chest pains, his left arm was numb...



   

                   

I'm a little bewildered myself.

I checked him about a month ago.



   

                   

All right, who's in charge of this all-important

show that Mr Gideon keeps talking about?



   

                   

l guess I am.



   

                   

Mr Gideon is having attacks of angina

that could lead to a massive coronary.



   

                   

Oh, shit! I gotta get to rehearsals.

I'm fine. What do doctors know?



   

                   

About angina, a little more

than show people.



   

                   

If you wanna leave, fine,

but I think you'll die. Can I see you?



   

                   

Dr Hyman.



   

                   

The pain is gone. Nothing wrong

with me a rewrite wouldn't cure.



   

                   

- Couple of good jokes is what I need.

- You can't leave now.



   

                   

- Yes, I can.

- Damn it, Joe!



   

                   

Didn't you hear what the doctorjust said?



   

                   

Please, stay.



   

                   

- Joey, I've been talking to Dr Ballinger...

- Jonesy, wait a minute.



   

                   

Let me talk to the star here. If I stay,

how much time are we talking about?



   

                   

At least two or three weeks.



   

                   

You've got to be kidding!

l got a show to put on.



   

                   

Jonesy, for Chrissakes, will you talk to these

people? They don't understand anything.



   

                   

- Oh, Jesus...

- What's wrong?



   

                   

- Miss Collins. All right, easy.

- Damn it.



   

                   

You guys are doin' this to me.

I wasn't sick until I got here.



   

                   

- What's wrong with him?

- It's exhaustion.



   

                   

You're lying to me.



   

                   

Yes.



   

                   

Uh, no. No, I'm not a member

of his immediate family.



   

                   

I'm, uh... I'm his girIfriend.



   

                   

Well, can I leave a message for him, please?

Could you tell him that K...? Hello?



   

                   

It was just simply exhaustion.



   

                   

He just tried to do too much.



   

                   

Anyway,



   

                   

we've made a decision

to postpone the show for four months.



   

                   

- The doctors assure us Joe will be fine.

- There goes my new apartment.



   

                   

Therefore the show will

definitely be done. I promise.



   

                   

Now, we're aware of the financial burdens...



   

                   

l gave up a TV series. What a dummy.



   

                   

We're prepared to try to get you

temporary jobs, or even lend you money.



   

                   

Jonesy, Jonesy, easy on

the money, easy on the money.



   

                   

All right, Larry, all right, OK.



   

                   

We don't have a lot of cash available, but...



   

                   

what l'd like to say to you is,



   

                   

l... we... think of you all as family.



   

                   

- Bullshit.

- And we want to do everything



   

                   

we possibly can to keep you all together.



   

                   

I was with him last night.

Already he's much better.



   

                   

I just left him an hour ago.

He was in a great mood.



   

                   

Making jokes, making passes

at all the nurses.



   

                   

And he told me to tell all of you, he has

a terrific idea for a new hospital number.



   

                   

Hold it, Audrey, hold it.

Hospital number, hospital number!



   

                   

Just give me a minute.

Stanley, give me some room.



   

                   

- How does the title "Hospital Hop" grab you?

- It grabs me.



   

                   

Great, great.



   

                   

- I think I got it. I got it!

- I think he's got it. He's got it.



   

                   

Stan, help me out, please.



   

                   

Clap your hands.



   

                   

Cheer up.



   

                   

Let's go! Everybody.



   

                   

And, Lucas, they are without question

an absolutely marvellous cast.



   

                   

Now we gotta wait around for four months.

Maybe even lose them.



   

                   

l can see where i¯d be difficult to hold

a cast like that together. It's really a shame.



   

                   

And, of course, even after

four months, a heart attack...



   

                   

There's no guarantee

that he'll be able to work.



   

                   

None.



   

                   

Jules, it's still too bright.



   

                   

- Take number seven down five.

- And he's the greatest.



   

                   

And, Lucas, I think we have a sure hit.



   

                   

A sure hit.



   

                   

Reads like a dream.



   

                   

- l'd love to read it sometime.

- I'll get a copy to you this afternoon.



   

                   

Oh, I forgot. Wait a minute.



   

                   

I've got one right here with me.



   

                   

Dimmer five up to three.



   

                   

Hold that, hold that. That's good.



   

                   

Of course, I know you couldn't

care less about the money.



   

                   

What do you think about this, Lucas?



   

                   

Is it any better?



   

                   

No. No, no. It needs to be more... shadowy.



   

                   

We talked about this, Jules.

It's a seduction scene.



   

                   

All right, take the shadow lights to half.



   

                   

How much... is Joe getting?



   

                   

 % of the gross until payoff,

then he goes to  %.



   

                   

  % of all subsidiary rights,

including a movie sale.



   

                   

Well, of course

my schedule's impossible, but...



   

                   

You know how I feel about you, Jonesy.



   

                   

- You've been like a father to me.

- And you a son to me.



   

                   

l always look for the worst in people.



   

                   

- A piece of you in them?

- Yeah, a piece of me.



   

                   

And, generally, I find it.



   

                   

Well, it may take you years, but you'll find it.



   

                   

Oh, you're cute. You are cute.



   

                   

It's looking better. I think we'll move you

upstairs to a private room for a while.



   

                   

Oh, yeah.



   

                   

But you'd better rest.

If you don't, you're in for a lot of trouble.



   

                   

Oh, I will, doctor.



   

                   

l promise. I will.



   

                   

Mr Gideon.



   

                   

Mr Gideon, what are you doing?



   

                   

Oh, this? I was just getting rid of it.



   

                   

l caught someone smoking,

and I told him a man in my condition



   

                   

shouldn't even be around smoke.



   

                   

I'm telling ya, Gideon,

l got real insight into you.



   

                   

There's a deep-rooted fear

of being conventional.



   

                   

Right.



   

                   

Your blood pressure is higher than we hoped.

Your cardiograms haven't improved one bit.



   

                   

Now, if you don't give a damn,

it's hard to expect us to.



   

                   

Mr Gideon!



   

                   

I'll leave these menus with you. Please check

off what you want for the coming weeks, OK?



   

                   

Monday, I'll have roast beef,

Tuesday, chicken, Wednesday, steak,



   

                   

Thursday, I plan to be dead,

so... I'll just have something light.



   

                   

Mr Gideon!



   

                   

She wrote a little note on the back.

She said you'd understand.



   

                   

"Dear loving, giving, generous" -

underlined four times - "Dad,



   

                   

l hear nurses are nice people, hint, hint.

Your poor, brotherless daughter".



   

                   

Joe, what does it mean?



   

                   

It means she's inherited her mother's

determination, that's what it means.



   

                   

Oh, no... Thank you, thank you. No, no...

You're wonderful, wonderful.



   

                   

The word superstar is greatly

overused in this business.



   

                   

But for my next guest, the word

superstar is totally inadequate.



   

                   

Whenever I do a benefit-

and I've done           this year,



   

                   

all for very worthy causes - I can always

count on this dude to be right there with me.



   

                   

I feel humbled in his presence.



   

                   

From deep, deep in here, ladies

and gentlemen, let me lay on you...



   

                   

- A great entertainer.

- a great entertainer,



   

                   

- A great humanitarian.

- a great humanitarian,



   

                   

- And my dear friend for    years.

- and my dearest, dearest friend for    years.



   

                   

- You missed by five years.

- Oh, boy, do I hate show business.



   

                   

- Joey, you love show business.

- That's right, I love show business.



   

                   

I'll go either way.



   

                   

l got insight into you, Gideon.



   

                   

You know what's underneath?

The dreadful fear that you're ordinary,



   

                   

not special.



   

                   

Right.



   

                   

Oh, I think...



   

                   

I think...



   

                   

- I'm getting an erection.

- Oh, Mr Gideon, don't do that.



   

                   

That sex thing, Jesus. Listen,

l wouldn't say you were a faggot,



   

                   

but you do have a lot

of feminine characteristics, right?



   

                   

Right.



   

                   

You are foolishly and childishly

flirting with disaster.



   

                   

Joey, you're really crazy!

What do you wanna do, kill yourself?



   

                   

Dr Ballinger told me to get a little exercise.



   

                   

Everything he does seems

to be a denial of his condition.



   

                   

Dr Ballinger, every time I've seen him,



   

                   

l get the impression that

he doesn't care whether he lives or dies.



   

                   

Yes, I know. But I think he cares a lot.



   

                   

OK, we'll limit his visitors

to no more than two.



   

                   

Joe, I wish you could have been there.



   

                   

 .   this morning,

before a single review was out,



   

                   

the line at Cinema One was around the

block. The people know. The people know.



   

                   

This broke every first-day record.

It's a blockbuster. I mean a blockbuster.



   

                   

And those guys in California...

You wouldn't believe the telephone calls.



   

                   

"Congratulations", they say. "We're glad

you took your time. It was worth it".



   

                   

They said "Every dollar that we put

in that film is up there on the screen".



   

                   

I'm telling you, they're talking about

a $ .  million advertising budget.



   

                   

 .  million dollars! I'm sorry. Excuse me.



   

                   

Do you believe that?  .  million dollars. This

picture is gonna go right through the roof.



   

                   

Right through... the roof.



   

                   

Look at those reviews. See it?

We did it. Joe, we did it.



   

                   

Where are the bad ones?



   

                   

There are no bad ones.



   

                   

Josh...



   

                   

Well, there were a couple that

quibbled a little. I left them at the office.



   

                   

Josh, I want you to do me a favour -

don't show them to me.



   

                   

Never. How were the television reviews?



   

                   

I think we got Leslie Perry.

At the screening, she told me she loved it.



   

                   

Following Gideon's triumphant directorial

achievement with "   Beautiful Girls,   ",



   

                   

when he won every possible award,



   

                   

it would be nice to report that

Mr Gideon's latest effort, "The Stand-up",



   

                   

starring Davis Newman, was a better film.



   

                   

Oh, boy, here it comes.



   

                   

Joey, turn it off, please.



   

                   

... falls into his characteristic weakness

of trying too hard to please, to entertain.



   

                   

- Josh, no. I wanna hear it.

- The razzle-dazzle sometimes obliterates...



   

                   

- What does she know?

- She never gives a good review.



   

                   

That woman is totally unqualified

to criticise anything.



   

                   

- She doesn't know a damn thing about film.

- Or anything.



   

                   

She's not even reviewing a film.

She's telling you how clever she is.



   

                   

... where the has-been comic,

played impeccably by Davis Newman,



   

                   

demonstrates his former

brilliance in a monologue



   

                   

where clearly director Gideon

gave Mr Newman free rein.



   

                   

Rising above rather commonplace material,

the actor creates a classic comic...



   

                   

l guarantee this picture

will do    million domestic, at least.



   

                   

- One of you better get somebody.

- What?



   

                   

I think I'm in trouble.



   

                   

... chopping off the ends of scenes

before the drama is played out,



   

                   

left this reviewer with bewilderment

and a four-aspirin headache.



   

                   

Using my four-balloon rating system,

l give "The Stand-up" haIf a balloon.



   

                   

- How are you feeling?

- The truth? I'm scared.



   

                   

Roll 'em.



   

                   

Action. Oh, my God...



   

                   

Ladies and gentlemen, the doctors.



   

                   

I'm Dr Hyman, the internist.



   

                   

I'm Dr Garry, the surgeon.



   

                   

- I'm Dr Ballinger, the cardiologist.

- Five, six, seven, eight...



   

                   

The heart is the viscus that maintains

the circulation of the blood.



   

                   

That means he had total blockage in...



   

                   

two arteries.



   

                   

This is the man who would be

my first choice as a modern-day saint.



   

                   

When I was in those marches, like Selma,



   

                   

this brother was shufflin'

right alongside me,



   

                   

long before those cats who thought

civil rights was a hip scene



   

                   

and jumped on the blackwagon.



   

                   

The blackwagon! Oh, ladies

and gentlemen, let me lay on ya...



   

                   

- A great entertainer.

- a great entertainer,



   

                   

- A great humanitarian.

- a great humanitarian,



   

                   

- And my dearest friend.

- and my dearest friend



   

                   

- Blah-blah.

- for    years.



   

                   

- Ladies and gentlemen...

- See how much I learn from you?



   

                   

- I'm afraid you've learned too much from me.

- There you are, Mr Gideon.



   

                   

This is one of my A 

first-rate, top-drawerjobs.



   

                   

That's it. Good luck tomorrow.



   

                   

What did you mean, I learned too much?



   

                   

You're gonna make it. I'm hardly ever wrong.



   

                   

Thanks.



   

                   

Remember last Tuesday night?



   

                   

It was raining... very hard.



   

                   

Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was raining. What about it?



   

                   

I called you at midnight.



   

                   

I must have been walking the dog.



   

                   

I don't have time for this sort of thing.



   

                   

You were with someone.



   

                   

Yes.



   

                   

And you made love to him.



   

                   

Yeah.



   

                   

Well, that's it, huh? We're finished?



   

                   

I don't know.



   

                   

How do you feel about me?



   

                   

I love you.



   

                   

Then I guess we're not finished.



   

                   

Because I really do love you, Katie.



   

                   

- You mean that?

- Ah, hell, no.



   

                   

I was pissed off at her.



   

                   

I don't know. Yeah, I did mean it.



   

                   

Sort of. Sometimes I don't know where

the bullshit ends and the truth begins.



   

                   

I just wanted to say something nice to her.



   

                   

Why?



   

                   

In case...



   

                   

In case...



   

                   

In case.



   

                   

If I die, I'm sorry for all

the bad things I did to ya.



   

                   

And if I live, I'm sorry for all

the bad things I'm gonna do to you.



   

                   

...as stated in the declarations,

sustained directly as the result of injury,



   

                   

sickness, death of, or permanent disability...



   

                   

Excuse me, Mr Clark.



   

                   

Larry, give me our figures.



   

                   

Well, on an estimated

production budget of $      



   

                   

with a contingency of      

to round it out to the million,



   

                   

so far we're in for

at least two-thirds of the fees.



   

                   

Design,      costumes,     

electrics,     .



   

                   

We're in for the full director-choreographer,

     . Casting is another four.



   

                   

Construction of scenery, where more than

half has been done, that's       ... plus.



   

                   

Stage manager's about     .



   

                   

Press agent      musicians about... two.



   

                   

Assistants, secretaries, etc,     .



   

                   

Rehearsal halls and auditions...     .



   

                   

Script and administrative,     .



   

                   

Managers, l'd say... ten.



   

                   

Advertising and printing, about      .

Orchestrations, so far, around      .



   

                   

Legal,       auditing,     



   

                   

payroll taxes... maybe seven.



   

                   

Well, seven. Author's advances,      

equity bonds,      .



   

                   

Rehearsal salaries, and we've made some

advances to a few of the cast, about      .



   

                   

We're in for about...



   

                   

$      .



   

                   

Yes. That's the figure I had here.



   

                   

And change.



   

                   

Let me try to understand.



   

                   

Of that figure, how much do we recoup?



   

                   

Yeah, I'm confused too. Do we

get all of that, or part of it, or what?



   

                   

Simply, here are the options.

One, if Mr Gideon recovers



   

                   

and you resume production within the

    days, we are not liable for any part of it.



   

                   

Two, if Mr Gideon should die and you resume

production with another director



   

                   

within the     days, we are still not liable.



   

                   

Three, however, if Mr Gideon

should expire before February  



   

                   

and you abandon production,



   

                   

we are liable for the full million dollars.



   

                   

This means, gentlemen,

you could make a profit of...



    

                   

$      .



    

                   

You could be the first show on Broadway

to make a profit without really opening.



    

                   

Well...



    

                   

it's all very clear to me.



    

                   

All this bullshit about death with dignity.



    

                   

You know what death with dignity is,

man? You don't drool.



    

                   

Change-of-pace time. Request.

Here we go. Vic O'Dante. Hey!



    

                   

Death is in, death is in, my dear



    

                   

Death is the thing



    

                   

Oh, that's very theatrical, Joe.



    

                   

Please don't try to talk.



    

                   

- You wanna shoot it now?

- Huh?



    

                   

- I can't understand him. I think he said "OK".

- Hospital hallucination, take one.



    

                   

There's a lady in Chicago, man,

wrote a book. Dr Kübler-Ross, with a dash.



    

                   

This chick, man, without

the benefit of dying herself,



    

                   

has broken the process

of death into five stages.



    

                   

Anger, denial, bargaining,

depression and acceptance.



    

                   

Playback.



    

                   

After you've gone



    

                   

And left me cryin'



    

                   

After you've gone



    

                   

There's no denyin'



    

                   

You'll feel blue



    

                   

You'll feel sad



    

                   

You'll miss the bestest pal ya



    

                   

Ever had



    

                   

There'll come a time



    

                   

Don't forget it



    

                   

There'll come a time



    

                   

When you'll regret it



    

                   

Some



    

                   

Day



    

                   

When you grow lonely



    

                   

Your heart will break like mine

and you'll want me only



    

                   

After you've gone



    

                   

After you've gone



    

                   

After you've gone



    

                   

After you've gone...



    

                   

Away



    

                   

Away



    

                   

Cut!



    

                   

Wanna print it?



    

                   

Jesus, Joe, you're way behind schedule.

You gotta print it.



    

                   

Next setup.



    

                   

Katie, take two.



    

                   

Listen, huh?



    

                   

Playback.



    

                   

You'd better change your way o' livin'



    

                   

- And if that ain't enough

- She's right, Joe, you'd better listen



    

                   

You'd better change the way

you strut your stuff



    

                   

Cos nobody wants you

when you're old and grey



    

                   

You better change your way today



    

                   

You better change your way



    

                   

Can you hear me, Joe? I'm talkin' to ya.



    

                   

- Ya gotta lay off the booze, Joe.

- Axe the amphetamines.



    

                   

You gotta stop screwin' around, Daddy.



    

                   

Ya better stop



    

                   

Ya better change



    

                   

Ya better stop



    

                   

Ya better change



    

                   

Ya better stop, ya better change,

ya better stop, ya better change



    

                   

Ya better stop and change your ways today



    

                   

I said stop, change, stop!



    

                   

Please.



    

                   

Cut!



    

                   

- Print it.

- Old Friends, take three.



    

                   

Playback.



    

                   

Who's sorry now?



    

                   

Who's sorry now?



    

                   

Whose heart is aching?



    

                   

- Just look at you, Daddy.

- For breaking each vow



    

                   

- All those broken vows.

- Who's sad and blue?



    

                   

Who's crying too?



    

                   

Just like we cried over you?



    

                   

- And we cried a lot.

- Oh, a lot.



    

                   

- Me too.

- Boo-hoo



    

                   

Right to the end



    

                   

- It's getting close, Joe.

- Just like a friend



    

                   

- Where were ya, Joe? Where were ya?

- We tried to warn you



    

                   

Somehow



    

                   

You didn't listen, Daddy. You didn't listen.



    

                   

You had your way



    

                   

Now you must pay



    

                   

We're glad that you're sorry now



    

                   

Cut!



    

                   

You blew it. You forgot your line.



    

                   

At the end you're supposed to say, uh...

What's he supposed to say?



    

                   

He's supposed to say

"I don't want to die. I want to live".



    

                   

Well, if you can't say it, you can't say it.

We'll just have to cut it, that's all.



    

                   

Cut it. Take me up. Next setup.



    

                   

Some of these days



    

                   

You're gonna miss me, Daddy



    

                   

Some of these days



    

                   

You're gonna feel so lonely



    

                   

You'll miss her huggin'



    

                   

You'll miss her kissin'



    

                   

You'll miss me, Daddy



    

                   

If you go away



    

                   

I'll feel so lonely



    

                   

Just for you only



    

                   

For you know, Daddy



    

                   

You had your way



    

                   

- A lot.

- And if you leave her



    

                   

You know, you know, you're gonna, gonna,

gonna, gonna, gonna grieve her



    

                   

You're gonna miss your sweet,

little, lovin', baby daughter Michelle



    

                   

- Some of these days

- Don't die, Daddy! Don't die, please!



    

                   

Some of these days



    

                   

You can't leave this poor

little kid without a father!



    

                   

- Some of these days

- She needs ya, Joe! She needs ya!



    

                   

Some of these days



    

                   

Oh! Oh, no.



    

                   

You don't have any lines here.



    

                   

Real dead body. Real dead body.



    

                   

End sticks.



    

                   

Please don't try to talk. If you wanna

tell me anything, just write it on this pad.



    

                   

No, no. Come on, not now.



    

                   

Please leave. Please.



    

                   

- Are you sure?

- Yes, I'm sure. Just go.



    

                   

Am I alive?



    

                   

All right, Joe.



    

                   

Yes, you are alive.



    

                   

Now, this is gonna hurt a little...



    

                   

Hm. That came out nice.



    

                   

Miss Paris, would you like

to see something nice?



    

                   

Oh, that is beautiful!



    

                   

That is an absolutely beautiful scar, Dr Garry.



    

                   

- Thank you.

- How soon will he be able to work?



    

                   

Well, he's out of intensive care,

back in a private room.



    

                   

The doctor says it's just a matter of rest.

Two months, at the outside.



    

                   

Oh, you know Joey. This morning

he said he could hardly wait.



    

                   

Said he had a lot of new ideas.



    

                   

And not all that sex stuff, either.



    

                   

Now, that's terrific.



    

                   

You must feel really good about that, Jonesy.



    

                   

Relieved. We're all relieved.



    

                   

- Check, please.

- I did some thinking about your script



    

                   

and I made a few notes.



    

                   

Oh, my.



    

                   

Use them, don't use them...

You know, whatever you want.



    

                   

I hate to bother you,

but are you... Lucas Sergeant?



    

                   

- Yes.

- Would you mind?



    

                   

No, no. Not at all.



    

                   

I'm an actress and, next to Joe Gideon,

you're my favourite director.



    

                   

I'm so sorry your show was a flop.



    

                   

- Best of luck with your career.

- Thank you so much.



    

                   

Lucas, you put in an awful lot

of work on this. I'm moved.



    

                   

For somebody to do something like this

just... just out of friendship... It touches me.



    

                   

Listen, what are friends for?

We're all rooting for each other.



    

                   

I'm just pleased that Joe is well again.



    

                   

- Hey, let me get this.

- No, Lucas, this is on me.



    

                   

I said I'll get this.



    

                   

- I can't believe it.

- Joe, what's the matter?



    

                   

- I'm having a heart attack.

- No, that's impossible, Mr Gideon.



    

                   

I just gave you your medication.



    

                   

Goddamn it, he knows the symptoms.

Will you call somebody, please?



    

                   

He can't be in pain.



    

                   

Well, let me take his pulse.



    

                   

- How can it be?

- Goddammit, get somebody.



    

                   

But I just gave you your medication   

minutes ago. You can't possibly be in pain.



    

                   

At least you're getting use

out of the equipment.



    

                   

That's funny, Doctor. I gotta tell you,

it hurts like a son of a bitch.



    

                   

Miss Briggs, two milligrams of morphine.



    

                   

- What's this?

- My name and address.



    

                   

You can send my cheque there.



    

                   

Feeling any pain now?



    

                   

Bitch!



    

                   

No. But something is...



    

                   

- something is breaking up in there.

- Now that I like.



    

                   

Somethin's gone wrong.



    

                   

All wrong.



    

                   

No... No...



    

                   

Oh, my God... Where's Mr Gideon?



    

                   

Anger, denial, bargaining,

depression and acceptance.



    

                   

- Anger.

- No. No. No!



    

                   

Jesus Christ! Goddamn son-of-a-bitch,

pig-sucking bastards!



    

                   

Not now.



    

                   

I don't know. We were busy

with an emergency



    

                   

and the next thing I notice, he was gone.



    

                   

Denial. Denial.



    

                   

"No. No, that's not me, man, no.

No. It's somebody else, maybe, but not me".



    

                   

"Oh, no. You got the wrong...

How about my mother, man?"



    

                   

"She's old. I'm weaned. I'm toilet-trained".



    

                   

"I don't need her any more. Bye, Ma.

You've been terrific. I love ya! But not me".



    

                   

Oh, Jesus, don't take me out now.



    

                   

What's the matter?

Don't you like musical comedy?



    

                   

- Bargaining.

- Finished, or do you wanna run it again?



    

                   

Yes, I'd like to run it again.



    

                   

I'd like to run the whole thing again.



    

                   

"Look, man. Come here, come here".



    

                   

"Can we sit down and talk

about this like businessmen?"



    

                   

"A negotiation, OK?"



    

                   

"Look, I don't wanna haggle.

You'll find me a reasonable man, man".



    

                   

"The blonde, the one on East   rd Street

I see on Tuesday nights?"



    

                   

"Gone. Finished. I'll never

see her again. That's it".



    

                   

"Right, no more hard drugs.

A little grass, maybe, but that's it. OK?"



    

                   

"All right, look, man, I promise

I won't flash on subways any more, OK?"



    

                   

"We got a deal, huh? Huh?

Guy drives a hard bargain".



    

                   

What are you staring at? I told you guys

before: too much smoking,



    

                   

too much boozing, too much

screwing around, i¯ll get you every time.



    

                   

I'll be back.



    

                   

Well, goddammit, find him.

I want him back in lCU, and right now!



    

                   

- Damn fools.

- Depression.



    

                   

And here he is, ladies and germs,

Tops'n'Taps,



    

                   

- Oh, my God!

- tap-dancer extraordinaire.



    

                   

- If I were God...

- I'm dying!



    

                   

- And sometimes I think I am...

- Oh, God, am I dying!



    

                   

- Depends on how much morphine I've had...

- I'm dying. Nobody's dying but me.



    

                   

- I would spare this terrific tap-dancer!

- The doctor's not dying.



    

                   

He's alive in Florida, and I'm dying!



    

                   

No pennies on the eyes for me.



    

                   

Please.



    

                   

Right away, sir. Bye.



    

                   

- Come on, we better try to find this guy.

- "Oh, God!"



    

                   

"I'm dying!"



    

                   

"I'm paying $    a day for the hospital room!"



    

                   

"At those prices, man,

who can afford to live?"



    

                   

So... acceptance.



    

                   

Oh, God...



    

                   

I think you're the most

beautiful thing in the world.



    

                   

I love you.



    

                   

Just a cut on the head.



    

                   

Oh, man, I won't have any trouble

at all keepin' him here.



    

                   

He just wants to sit around

and sing old-time songs.



    

                   

Oh, don't hurry, baby.

I'm havin' a pretty good time myself.



    

                   

- Now, Mr Gideon, where were we?

- How do you know my name?



    

                   

Just found out. They're comin'

to get you, you know?



    

                   

I knew they would.



    

                   

- Can I have another?

- Oh, help yourself.



    

                   

Could you do it one more time? Just for me?



    

                   

Oh, yeah, I'd love to.



    

                   

Five, six, seven, eight.



    

                   

Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag



    

                   

And smile, smile, smile



    

                   

Hey, pack up your troubles

in your old kit bag



    

                   

Smile, boys, that's the style



    

                   

Here we go.



    

                   

What's the use of worrying?



    

                   

It never was worthwhile



    

                   

Juicy!



    

                   

So, pack up your troubles...



    

                   

- You got it.

- Five, six, seven, eight.



    

                   

Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag



    

                   

And smile, smile, smile



    

                   

OK, mister, you come along with us.



    

                   

Nice and quiet, now. Don't cause no trouble.



    

                   

- Everything's going to be fine, all right?

- All right. So long, Tiger.



    

                   

Later, Gideon.



    

                   

This is just a rough cut, you know?



    

                   

I don't have the titles in yet,

and the underscoring's not in.



    

                   

It's not really finished.



    

                   

I need more time.



    

                   

Thank you. Wonderful, wonderful.



    

                   

Folks, what can I tell you

about my next guest?



    

                   

This cat allowed himself

to be adored, but not loved.



    

                   

And his success in show business

was matched by failure



    

                   

in his personal-relationship bag.

Now that's where he really bombed.



    

                   

And he came to believe that work,

show business, love, his whole life,



    

                   

even himself, and all thatjazz, was bullshit.



    

                   

He became numero uno game player,



    

                   

to the point where he didn't know

where the games ended and reality began.



    

                   

Like, to this cat, the only reality...

is death, man.



    

                   

Ladies and gentlemen, let me lay

on you a so-so entertainer,



    

                   

not much of a humanitarian,

and this cat was never nobody's friend.



    

                   

In his final appearance on the great stage

of life - you can applaud if you wanna -



    

                   

Mr Joe Gideon.



    

                   

Bye-bye, life



    

                   

Bye-bye, happiness



    

                   

Hello, loneliness



    

                   

I think I'm gonna die



    

                   

I think I'm gonna die



    

                   

Bye-bye, love



    

                   

Bye-bye, sweet caress



    

                   

Hello, emptiness



    

                   

I feel like I could die



    

                   

Bye-bye, your life, goodbye



    

                   

Bye-bye, my life, goodbye



    

                   

Bye-bye, your life, goodbye



    

                   

Two, three, four, five, six.



    

                   

Bye-bye, life



    

                   

Bye-bye, happiness



    

                   

Hello, loneliness



    

                   

I think I'm gonna die



    

                   

I think he's gonna die



    

                   

I think he's gonna die



    

                   

I think I'm gonna die



    

                   

There goes his baby



    

                   

With someone new



    

                   

She sure looks happy



    

                   

- I sure am blue

- He sure is blue



    

                   

- I sure am blue

- He sure is blue



    

                   

- I sure am blue

- He sure is blue



    

                   

- I sure am blue

- He sure is blue



    

                   

I sure am blue



    

                   

I think I'm gonna, I think I'm gonna,

I think I'm gonna, I think I'm gonna



    

                   

Bye-bye, life



    

                   

Bye-bye, happiness



    

                   

Hello, loneliness



    

                   

I think he's gonna... die



    

                   

Die



    

                   

A one, a two, a three, four.



    

                   

Bye-bye, love



    

                   

Bye-bye, sweet caress



    

                   

Hello, emptiness



    

                   

I feel like I could die



    

                   

Bye-bye, my life, goodbye



    

                   

Bye-bye, your life, goodbye



    

                   

Bye-bye, my life, goodbye



    

                   

I'm through with romance



    

                   

- I'm through with love

- Oh, yeah



    

                   

I'm through with counting the stars above



    

                   

Forget the stars



    

                   

And here's the reason that he's so free



    

                   

His lovin' baby



    

                   

She's through with me



    

                   

Bye-bye, life



    

                   

Bye-bye, happiness



    

                   

Hello, loneliness



    

                   

I think he's gonna die



    

                   

I think he's gonna die



    

                   

Bye-bye, your life, goodbye



    

                   

Bye-bye, your life, goodbye



    

                   

Bye-bye, your life, goodbye



    

                   

Bye-bye, my life, goodbye



    

                   

Bye-bye, your life, goodbye



    

                   

Bye-bye, your life, goodbye



    

                   

This must have cost a fortune!



    

                   

Oh, give it to me!



    

                   

Oh, give it to me!



    

                   

At least I won't have to lie to ya any more.



    

                   

Oh, give it to me!



    

                   

Oh, give it to me!



    

                   

Bye-bye



    

                   

Bye-bye



    

                   

Bye-bye, happiness



    

                   

Hello... Hello...



    

                   

- I think he's gonna die

- He's gonna die



    

                   

Bye-bye, life



    

                   

Bye-bye, happiness



    

                   

Hello, emptiness



    

                   

I think he's gonna die



    

                   

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la



    

                   

Bye-bye, your life, goodbye



    

                   

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la



    

                   

I think he's gonna die



    

                   

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la



    

                   

Bye-bye, your life, goodbye



    

                   

La, la, la, la, la, la, la



    

                   

La, la, la, la, la, la



    

                   

Bye-bye



    

                   

My life



    

                   

Oh, yeah!



    

                   

Goodbye



    

                   

Bye-bye, your life, goodbye



    

                   

Bye-bye, your life, goodbye



    

                   

Bye-bye, your life, goodbye



    

                   

Bye-bye, your life, goodbye



    

                   

There's no business like show business



    

                   

Like no business I know



    

                   

Everything about it is appealing



    

                   

Everything the traffic will allow



    

                   

Nowhere could you get that happy feeling



    

                   

When you are stealing that extra bow



    

                   

There's no people like show people



    

                   

They smile when they are low



    

                   

Yesterday they told you

you would not go far



    

                   

That night you open, and there you are



    

                   

Next day on your dressing room,

they've hung a star



    

                   

Let's go on with the show



    

                   

The costumes, the scenery,

the make-up, the props



    

                   

The audience that lifts you

when you're down



    

                   

The headaches, the heartaches,

the backaches, the flops



    

                   

The sheriff who escorts you out of town



    

                   

The opening when your heart

beats like a drum



    

                   

The closing, when

the customers don't come



    

                   

There's no business like show business



    

                   

Like no business I know



    

                   

You get word before the show has started



    

                   

That your favourite uncle died at dawn



    

                   

On top of that your Pa and Ma have parted



    

                   

You're brokenhearted, but you go on



    

                   

There's no people like show people



    

                   

They smile when they are low



    

                   

Even with a turkey that you know has fold



    

                   

You may be stranded out in the cold



    

                   

But still you wouldn't change it

for a sack of gold



    

                   

Let's go on with the show



    

                   

Let's go on with the show













 
Special help by SergeiK