Along Came Polly Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Along Came Polly script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Ben Stiller, Jennifer Aniston, and Philip Seymour Hoffman.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Along Came Polly. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Along Came Polly Script



I, Reuben, take you, Lisa...



I, Reuben, take you, Lisa,



to be my lawfully wedded wife.



I do. I do.



Hey, Lois.

The room looks beautiful.



Oh, thanks. And all the candles

have been replaced...



with these mini-lamps you asked for,

so now no more fire hazard.




Hey, did we sanitize these things?




- The best man is in the house! Ohh!

- Oh!



- Oh, my God!

- Sandy, you okay?



Jorgé, ice.

The best man went down.



Dance floor's like a Slip 'N Slide, dude.

I thought I told them not to wax this.



Twenty-three percent of the guests

are over   .



I don't want anyone breaking a hip.

Okay. Don't worry.

I'm gonna take care of it.



All right. I analyze risk for a living.

It's my job to worry.



Okay, let me do the worrying

'cause you gotta get married.




I'm good.



You got my note that

Harry Bard at table seven

is violently allergic to seafood?



Yes. His chicken will go

nowhere near the fish.



We're putting the finishing touches

on the cake.

This looks great. Lisa's gonna love it.



Hit me, dude.



Hey, aren't you that kid

from Crocodile Tears?



That's right. I'm Sandy Lyle.



Man, I saw that movie in high school.



That bagpipe scene,

that was the funniest shit, man.



We had a good time on that picture.

You want an autograph?



Ah, no, thanks.

It's good to see you, man.



I thought you died,

like,    years ago.



Ah. Nah.

I'm very much alive, my friend.



I've been doing a lot of stage acting.

Getting back to my roots.



- Sandy, we should get going 'cause...

- They're making an

E.! True Hollywood Story on me,



so that should clear up

a lot of your questions.



So they're really doing

one of those shows about your life?



Yeah. I got a camera crew

following me around

the next few weeks.



It's gonna be huge.

Wow. That's cool.



Reuben. Two-minute warning.

Lisa's on her way down.

Okay, thanks.



Look, Reuben.




Now, I'm asking you this because

you're my oldest friend in the world.




And I'm your wingman.



Okay. What?



Are you sure you wanna do this?



Sandy, there's not a doubt

in my mind.



Okay? I found the perfect woman.



We're totally in love.



My life's working out

just like I planned.



Let's go get married.




- [Glass Breaks]

- Mazel tov.!



Go on. Kiss each other.



Big smile, everyone!

Come on. You love each other.



Smile, Grandma.



Having fun.



-  ["Hava Nagila"]

- [Yelling]







[Cloth Rips]




Hello, everybody.

I'm Stan Indursky, Reuben's boss.



Thank you. You're very kind.



Now, Reub's not the sort of fellow

to brag about his own success,



so I'm going to do it for him.



The fact is, this young man here...



is the best risk assessment expert...



in this whole meshugas

we call the insurance business.



Irving, Vivian,

you've raised a wonderful son.



Let's hear it for him.



Reuben, Lisa, let me just say...



that I would insure your marriage

any day of the week.



Mazel, you two. Good things.




Mazel Tov!



Oh, and, Lisa, don't tire him out

too bad on the honeymoon.



- I need this kid fresh when he gets back.

- [Laughing]



- Mazel, mazel.! Good things.

- You know what, the truth is,



I've been waiting for this day

my entire life.



And about four and a half years ago,

I met a real estate agent named

Lisa Kramer,





who showed me an apartment,



which I rented

just so she'd go out with me.



I gave him a good price.

Yeah, not good enough.



She's a killer. No, seriously, um...



After about a month of dating,

I knew she was the one.



[Woman] Aw.

And I couldn't be happier...



that on this day that I've been

dreaming about for so long,



the woman I'm standing

next to... is you.



[Lisa Laughing]

Oh, my goodness.!



I lost my shoe!

Look at this place!



Oh, it's so pretty!

It's beautiful.







How's your bruise?

It's okay.



You know, it's a little sore.



You know, they really should tell you

if they'rejust gonna let komodo dragons

run loose around the hotel.






Oh! How about this one?



Let's see. "Recently renovated colonial

in Montclair, three-bedroom."



Sweetie, remember?

We took a virtual tour of this one

on the Internet.



It was perfect,

but just a little pricey.



Oh, right, right. That's right.



It's probably off the market anyway.



Why do you say that?



'Cause I bought it.



You what?



I bought it!




[Both Laughing]



Reuben, I'm in shock.

I mean, you just... you don't...

you don't do things like that.



You love it, right?

Yes, I do, but, Reuby...



We have a house!

Oh, my God,

we have a house!






- Hi. Hello.

- [Laughs]




- [French Accent]

How's it going?

- [Chuckles]



Uh, it's, uh, going great.

Thank you.



So I see you gang are new to the island.

I want to come have a meet with you,

show you my boat.



That is my boat there

on the sandbar.



- It's very, uh, big.

- Yeah, it's pretty good size.

It's good size.



So, tell me true,

are you guys for scuba?



What does that mean?



I'm like the unofficial

scuba king of St. Barts,



so if you are for scuba,

I take you out on the boat,



I show you the coral reef,



and we have kinda like a...

like a scuba party.



That sounds great,

but we're not certified,

so we're gonna have to pass.



That is no biggie.

I get you resort-certified

couple of hour.



- Oh, I have always wanted to try it.

- Yeah?



Good. My name is Claude.

What is, uh, you guys' name?



Uh, my name is Reuben.



This is my wife, Lisa.


I am here all afternoon.



All right, au revoir, Leuban, Lisa. Solid.






Hi. Hello.

How's it going?



Leuban! Lisa!










Isn't this exciting?

It is. It's fun.



You know what? I think I'm gonna

skip the scuba diving.



Reuben, no. You called eight hotels.

They all said that this guy was the best.



I know, but you know

how I am about boats,

and I'm feeling a little queasy.



Oh, no.

Your stomach's acting funny?



It's okay now, but I think it might...

You know how it gets, you know?

So why don't you go?



We're on our honeymoon.

I'm not gonna go without you.



No! You've been wanting to try this.

I want you to go, okay?




It'll be fun. I'll pick you up

like at  :   all right?



I love you.

I love you too.



Okay? Okay.



You're not for scuba, Leuban?

No, Claude.



- I'm gonna go run some errands in town.

- [Scoffs]



But you guys go. You have fun.

Can I talk to you for a second though?



- Of course.

- [No Audible Dialogue]



Hey, listen, this woman means more

to me than anything else in the world,



so be careful 'cause scuba can be

very dangerous if the proper

precautions aren't taken.



Leuban, look to me in my eyeball.



I promise you I take care of Lisa

as if she were my own flesh and blood.



Thank you.





Okay. Solid!



Okay. Solid.




All right? Are you ready?

Yeah, yeah.



So is there gonna be

a little boat that comes over...








Ha ha!



Au revoir, Leuban.

Bye-bye, honey.!



I love you.!

I love you!







 I'm jammed

I hope you'rejammin'too



 Jam's about my pride

and truth I cannot hide



  To keep you satisfied



  True love that now exist

is the love I can't resist



Lisa! Claude!

 Sojam by my side



Guys? Hello.!







Knock, knock!

[Metal Clanging]



Oh, my God.



[Lisa Moaning]

Ooh la la.! Ooh la la.!



[Glass Shatters]

Oh, my God!



Holy shit, Leuban!

This is not what it look like.



- You're staying on the island with Claude?

- I'm a little confused right now, Reuben.



I think I need a little time

just to figure things out.



What did you do to her?

Did you mess around with her

oxygen tanks or something?



I did nothing, Leuban.

My name is not "Leuban"!

It is "Reuben"!



Look, we had a scuba,

we talk about life,

we drink some white wine.



We cannot help it.

It is like love at first sight.



She make like the fire in my trouser.



- Ohh!

- What he's trying to say, Reuben,

is that we didn't plan it.



Reuben, itjust... it happened.



It's like the story of the hippo.



I'm not familiar with that story.



The hippopotamus, he is not born

going, "Cool bean, I am a hippo."

No way, José.



So he tried to paint the stripe on himself

to be like the zebra, but he fool no one.



And then he tried to put the spot

on his skin to be like the leopard,



but everyone know he is a hippo.



So at certain point,

he look himself in the mirror,

and hejust say,



"Hey, I am a hippopotamus,

and there is nothing I can do about it."



And as soon as he accepts this,

he live life happy.



Happy as a hippo.



You understand?



- I'm gonna kill you!

- Reuben.! No, Reuben.!



- [Gasps]

- Leuban, this is not the way!



You're gonna be fine, Reuben.

No, I'm not gonna be fine.



I'm not gonna be fine at all.



- [Engine Starts]

- And don't come back to me

when you've changed your mind!



'Cause this ship has sailed.




[Horn Honks]



Hey, Tina. Hey, Mitch.



Hey, Reub.



- Cheryl.

- Hey.



[Chattering Stops]



[Phone Ringing]


Indursky and Sons, how may I help you?



[Chattering Resumes]






How does everyone

know about this?



Your mother called Mr. Indursky

and told him what happened.



I am so sorry, Reuben.

Thanks, Gladys.



Come here.

Oh. Okay.



Thank you. All right.



I know, I know.




Fuck. Hey, there he is!



The big man's back.




Reub, come on in here.

I want to spitball something with you.



All right. Can you give me a minute, Stan?

I'm just gonna run to the men's room.



I'll join you.



I heard about your honeymoon.



Just terrible.



I knew that girl was a slut

the second I met her.



Yeah, well, you know,

it's kind of complicated.



Hey, don't make excuses.

She's a dime-store hooker,

and she always will be.



Just put it behind you.

Speaking of which,



you ever hear of a guy

named Leland Van Lew?



Um, Leland Van Lew.

Yeah, yeah.



Australian guy, right?

Um, was on the cover

of Forbes last year?








Yeah, he started one of

those high-tech, modem-scrotum,



God only knows what they do

companies anyway.



Jesus Christ. They want to take

the company public,



and if he wants to remain the C.E.O.

of a publicly held company,

guess what he needs.



Life insurance.

Bingo was his name.



All right, you want me

to check him out?




There's just one catch.

[Urinating Continues]




This Van Lew has

a reputation as a cowboy.



Apparently, he's one of these

extreme sports nuts.




So it's a long shot,



but if you can

pull this thing together,




might be a lot of dough in it for us,



maybe a little extra bonus for you,

help you with those house payments.



All right. Well, let's make sure

he checks out first and...

You see?



This is why you're the only one

I can trust with these jobs.



I was worried that you'd

been through hell and back

with that whore wife of yours.



You sure you don't need

some more time off?



Mm-hmm. I'm good.

Absolutely sure?



Yeah, no, I'm fine.

Yeah? All right?



All right, good things.



[Car Door Closes]



[Man On Megaphone]

Excuse me.



This is private property.

Oh, yeah. No, I know.



I just bought this house.

I move in next month.



Oh, sure. Mr. Phifer, right?




Yeah, but you can just call me Reuben.



- Okay, then.

Welcome to the neighborhood.

- Thanks.



[On Megaphone]

Sorry about your wife, Reuben.




First of all, I just want to say thank you

to everybody for coming out,



and this has just been

an incredible day and night.



It's just so great to see all these people,

friends and family and...

[Doorbell Rings]



To tell you the truth, I've been

waiting for this day my entire life.



I'm so sorry, Reuben.

Oh. Thanks.



Thanks, Sandy.

Whatever you need,

I'm here for you, brother.



Thank you.

We're rolling.




Sound speed.



What the hell is this?

You remember Dustin and Vic.



- They're doing the

E.! True Hollywood Story on me.

- Right.



Sorry about your wife.



Sandy, do you want us over here?

Put it over by the table.



Are you sure?




Is this better?

Oh, yeah, thanks.



Look, you can forget it.

I'm not going to a party.



What do you think is gonna happen?

Lisa's gonna come waltzing through

that door, saying she made a mistake?



No, of course not. I'm just... - 



I'm trying to make sense

out of what the hell she did.



I mean, what can I say?

You're my best friend.



Oh, oh! Hold on.

Let me see something here.

You're my partner.



You're my wife.

Man, it feels good to say that.!



Ah, and, uh...



[Tape Rewinding]

You're my wife.

Man, it feels good to say that!



- What?

- Check out her expression.

She's terrified.



- She's smiling.

- I'm a student of acting, Reuben.



She's faking it.



The woman got spooked.



She needed to explore,

which is exactly what you're gonna do.



You've been given the gift of freedom.

Don't turn your back on that.



I don't want freedom, Sandy!

I want to be married!



I bought a goddamn house!

I got to move out of this apartment

in like six weeks!



- [Laughing]

- Look at her.



She's not thinking about having

a deep, committed relationship...



with a complex individual

like yourself.



- She's not?

- No.! She's daydreaming about having

hot, shallow sex with a French nudist.!



"Oh, I'm hugging.

Oh, I love you so much. "Liar.!



[Elevator Motor Whirring]

So whose party is this again?



It's an art opening

for this Dutch guy, Jost.



His art sucks, but he used to sell me

really good pot.



Oh, man, I'm so friggin' horny.






Look, just don't

leave me alone, okay?



I haven't been to a party

by myself in a long time.



Relax. I'm your wingman.



I'll be right by your side

the whole time.



So what do we do?

Do we, like, get a drink...



or take a lap around the...






- More wine?

- Sure.



- Thank you.

- This party is so boring,



and there are no cute guys here.

I haven't noticed.



I'm appreciating the art.



I'm not looking for cute guys.



Oh, so you've sworn off men since

you dumped your last boyfriend?



He was not my boyfriend.

We went out for like three days.

It was two months!







I hope he doesn't have

to buy that now.



Oh, my God!

I think I know that guy.



[Bell Rings]






You're Reuben Feffer, right?



Uh, yes.

I'm Polly... Prince.



We went to junior high

or middle school or

whatever it's called together.



You were next to me...

Yeah! Polly Prince!




No, it's coming back to me now.

You left before high school.



Yeah, after seventh grade.

My mom and I, we moved to Michigan.



And now you live here in New York?

Yeah, moved here

a few months ago.



So, you know... Yup.







Friend of yours?

Yeah, that's Roxanne.



She does that with,

uh, bread, wine bottles and...



Anyway, uh, so what's your deal?

You've got to be married with kids...



and the whole thing.



No, I'm not. I'm single.

Yeah, I haven't taken the plunge.



- Oh.

- Can I talk to you for a sec?



Yeah. Hey, Sandy, this is Polly Prince.

Remember? From middle school?

Hey, how you doing?



Wow. Okay. Sandy Lyle.



Last time I saw you, you were

playing bagpipes in that movie.



Croco Tears.

Yep, that's me.




Polly, can I have a word with you?



Yeah. Sorry.

Excuse us.



What happened to you?

Reuben, I'm in a situation here.

We have to leave now.



No. Can we stay

a couple more minutes?

Dude, no.



This is serious.

I just sharted.



I don't know what that means.

I tried to fart

and a little shit came out.



I just sharted. Now let's go.



You're the most disgusting person

I've ever met in my life.



You have to walk around

and pour wine.





Focus for one second, okay?

I'm sorry.



So, hey, guy.

I got to go circulate.




Um, but... So, Sandy,

you're good though?

You're still acting?



I am. Yeah. It's going incredibly well.



I'm actually headlining a new revival

of Jesus Christ Superstar.



That's great!




Well, it was really good

seeing you guys.

Yeah, you too.



Okay. See ya.

All right. Bye, Polly.



- Be good.

- Bye. More wine?



Polly Prince.



It's funny, huh? Seeing her.



Are you okay?

Great. Thank you.



Huh. She looks good.



Let it rain!



So I did a lot of thinking last night,

and there's something

I'm pretty excited about.



What's up? Nice.



Let it rain!

I feel like I might be ready to move on.



You know, get my life back on track.



So, I am going to ask

Polly Prince on a date.



Oh, that's a mistake!

She's not right for you, dude.



Rain dance!



Hey, you guys

want to play some twos?



Actually, we're kind of

in the middle of a conversation, so...

You douche bags bring your "A" game?



What was that?



I'm just messing with you,

sasquatch. Let's get it on.



Pick and roll! Pick and roll!

Outlet! Outlet!



Rain dance!

Sandy, come on.



Sandy! Sandy! Sandy!








White chocolate!






Old school!



"T." "T."



Time-out. I'm burning.

My lungs are burning.



Time-out. Time-out.

So why do you think

Polly's so wrong for me?






You don't even know

this girl, Reuben.



You haven't seen her

since seventh grade.



How different could she be?

I mean, she was a senior delegate

at the Model U.N.



She was in the chess club.

She was a "mathlete."



Her yearbook stats are really impressive.

Did you see the tattoo on her back?



Yeah. So what?



Mathletes don't wear body art

like that. 'Nuff said. Ball in!



I really feel like

I ran into Polly for a reason.



Really. I mean, I'm sorry

if you don't agree, Sandy,



but I happen to believe

in a little thing called destiny.



You guys ready?



You know what? You think maybe

you could put your shirt back on?



You guys ready to play?



Good shot. Good shot.



Could I have the ball for a second?

Could I have the ball?



Hey, you know what?

Could we switch?



I'd rather not, dude. I just found out

how to cover this man right here, okay?



Come on, let's play.









Yes, can I get the number

for a Polly Prince, please?



Prince with a "P."



Okay, great.

And can I get the address as well?




[Line Ringing]







[Phone Ringing]



- Oh, shit!

- [Ringing Continues]



[Answering Machine]

Hi. This is Reuben.




I am unable to get

to the phone right now,

No! No!



but please leave a detailed message

after the beep.



If you're calling for...









  Yeah, I've always been this way



 Never known any other way to feel



  Got the right of way



 And all of the others must yield



 But I'm naked



 And I'm in school






 And I can't make it



  To the door




[Cell Phone Beeps]



Gladys, I got to call you back.









Hi. This is so funny.

I didn't know you lived down here.



Yeah, yeah, I do.

Hey, do you live around here too?



Yeah. No, I don't.

I don't live down here.



Hey. Did you call me last night?



Um, no, I don't think so.



Are you sure?

'Cause I got a hang-up,



so I did that star-   thingy,

and I swore I got your answering machine.



Really? You know,

I heard that from a few people.



So maybe, I don't know, the phone lines

got crossed or something.



Oh, you doing some shopping?

Oh. Yeah.



l... Gosh. I spent like

    bucks on this loofah.




And it's supposed to be like

specially made in Sweden or something.




So, yeah.



Would you like to go

to dinner sometime?




Oh, yeah. Okay.

You know, I'm not... I'm not sure.



Okay. Really?



I mean, not that I wouldn't...

I'd like to.



It'd be great to catch up

on stuff and all that. I just...



I got to check my schedule.

All right, well, how about

I'll give you my card.



Here you go.





And on the back I've written

my home and my cell number, so...



There's also a fax number.

Right on.



And, um, there's

a pager number too.



Reuben Feffer,

senior risk assessment "analysist."





Analyst. Analyst.




Right. Right.



- All right.

- [Keys Jingling]



- I'll see you.

- See ya.






See ya.

See you later.






Leland Van Lew's office.

This is Deborah.



Hey, Deborah. It's Reuben Feffer from

Indursky and Sons calling for Mr. Van Lew.



Ah, right. The insurance man.

I'm afraid Leland's in the hospital.



He got bit while swimming

with great whites last week.

I'm sorry?



Swimming with who?

Great white sharks.

But don't worry.



It was only a flesh wound.

[Phone Ringing]




He's due in Los Angeles next week.



Should I set something up for then?

Okay, you know what, Deborah?

Could you hang on one second, please?



No worries.

Reuben Feffer.



Hi, Reuben.

It's Polly Prince.



Oh, hey, Polly! How's it going?




I'm just calling to say that, um,

I'm free tomorrow night

if you want to get together.



Yeah, I would love to get together.

That'd be great.



Should I, um...

Should I pick a restaurant or...



Oh, no, no. You know what?

I should probably just check

my schedule, see if I can even do it.



Okay. I'm...

Did you say you were free?



Yeah, no, I'm actually not sure.

But okay, I'll talk to you later.




Hello. Okay. Hello.

Hello, Polly?




One, two, three and...



  What's the buzz

Tell me what's a-happenin'



  What's the buzz

Tell me what's a-happenin'



  What's the buzz

Tell me what's a-happenin'



 What's the buzz

Tell me what's a-happenin'  



 What's the buzz

Tell me what's a-happenin'  



 What's the buzz

Tell me what's a-happenin'  



  Why should you want to know



  Don't you mind about the future  



  Don't you try to think ahead  

Uh, Sandy?



  Save tomorrow for tomorrow  



 Think about today instead  







I'm playing Jesus.

That's my song.



I know it's your song, but I felt something,

and I decided to go with it.



But you're playing Judas.



Judas. All right, look. Here's the deal.

I'm the star of the show, okay?



So if I decide to bust out a solo,

do me a favor and give me

the freedom to rock out.



From the top, okay, Wonsuk?



So the play's going well?



Yeah, I think it's gonna be fun.



I mean, I just wish they wouldn't

surround me with a bunch of amateurs.



Uh-huh. Isn't that like

the point of community theater?

Whatever, Reuben.



So I'm going on a date with Polly.



All right! Where are you taking her?



I don't know.

Some restaurant in the East Village.



She left the address on my machine.



How could you let Polly

pick the restaurant?



Well, I had no choice.

She called me, like, seven times...



to confirm and then cancel

and then confirm again.



Why? What's wrong with

letting her pick the place?



You've got irritable

bowel syndrome, dude.



If she chose an ethnic restaurant,

you're gonna be running to

the bathroom every five seconds.



Oh, my God. You're right.



Thank you.



You know, I doubt it'll get this far,

but if she turns out to be

easier than I thought,



there's something

you need to know.



I'm not a virgin, Sandy.



No, not technically,

but times have changed

since you were last single.



Now, listen, when I'm making out

with a girl for the first time,



I like to give her

a little spankin'.




Nothing violent.



You just tap her real light

right on the tushy and say,



"Hey, I'm your daddy.

I'm your daddy."



Listen to me.



What are you doing?

I'm blotting the grease.



That's the best part. Let me see that.

Listen, don't be shy.



- It's just a little tap. It's like saying,

"Boop, I'm your daddy."

- I'm not gonna tap her.



Brings 'em right back to childhood.

Trust me, they're putty in your hands

after that.



I gotta tell you,

I'm really excited about this. Really.



I feel like this could be

one of those...



defining moments of my life

or something, you know?




Yeah, I actually think

it's not gonna work out,



but I'm pulling for you, Reub.



Just pray to God

she doesn't go ethnic.



The place didn't sound ethnic.



What was the name?

Al Hafez.



 [Middle Eastern]



So when did you live in Morocco?



In the late '  s. I bounced around

to a bunch of different places

over the past few years.



Oh, yeah? Like where?

Oh, God, where?



Let's see, Austin, Istanbul,

Sri Lanka, Portland,



Costa Rica, Buffalo,

a couple other places.



Wow. Were you in the Peace Corps?

No, I just like to move a lot.



I kinda get stir-crazy if I'm stuck

in one place for too long,

you know what I mean?



- Oh, yeah, completely.

- [Both Laughing]



No, remember?

You were the person who broke...

Oh, my God!



I can't believe

you remember that.

Oh, of course.



You were like the greatest delegate

in Model U.N. history.



I guess I did manage

to pass a few resolutions.






Are you okay? 'Cause you're

sweating pretty profusely.



Yeah, no, I'm fine.

I always react this way to spicy food.




Yeah, but I love it.



I can't believe you're not married.

I mean, even when we were kids,



I always saw you as that guy that would

settle down at a young age, you know?



You were always kinda like

an old young guy.

Yeah, well, it just hasn't happened.



[Stomach Growling]

But, uh, what about you?

You ever gotten close or...



To the whole marriage thing?

Oh, God, no. No way.



No, yeah, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no.



I'm not really big on the whole, um,

long-term commitment thing.



Mm-hmm. Why? Are you coming out

of a bad relationship or...



No, I'm kinda coming out of like

eight bad relationships.



- Eight?

- You sure I can't get you

a towel or something?



No, no. I'm good.

But if the right person came along,

things might be different, right?



Oh, yeah.



You're probably right.

[Stomach Growling]



Sorry. Um...



- Hey, you mind if I go to the men's room?

- Please.



Sure. Oh, gosh!




Occupied. I'm gonna

be here all night, dude.



All right, well, this is me.




Why don't you come upstairs and,

uh, I'll make you some coffee or tea.



Okay, great.



I just gotta find my keys here.

Oh, shoot.



- [Stomach Growling]

- They're right there, I hear 'em.



[Growling Continues]



Oh, yeah. Okay.



Oh, wow. This is great.

It's so cozy.




Did you just move in or...



No. I've been here

about four months.




- [Yelps]

Rat! Rat in the house!

- Oh, no, no.



This is Rodolfo.

He's a ferret.



I got him in Sicily

at a flea market years ago.



He's old.

He can't really see anymore.



Cute. Hey, you mind

if I use your bathroom?



Oh, sure, yeah. Oh, actually,

that's not the bathroom.



- My bathroom's right here.

- Oh. Okay.



Yeah, 'cause I just, uh,

had a lot to drink, a lot of water.

I'll just be a second.



Okay, take your time.

[Door Closes]



Ohh! I don't believe this.

[Small Fart]






- Go away. Go away.

- [Squeaks]



Go! Go! Shoo! Poo!



- [Farting Continues]

- Oh, God.



[Squeaky Fart]




[Big Fart]



[Shower Running]



Oh, no.



[Shower Running]



[Toilet Flushes]



Oh, God, I beg you, please.

If you make this water go down,



I will sit at your feet,

and I will serve you for all of eternity.



I'll adopt a Somalian kid,

or I'll work in Calcutta, or I'll...



Please, just make the water...



- No! No!

- [Squeaking]



Oh, my God.!




This was fun.





If I'd known your grandmother

had embroidered that towel,



I would've never...

Oh, really, you know what,

that's okay.



Okay, well...



Good night, Polly.

Good night, Reuben.



Good night.

Oh, okay.



All right, okay.

Oh. All right.

That's nice. Okay, so...




Dude, why would you make

number two in her apartment?



She asked me to come upstairs.

I mean, what should I have done?



 [Woman Singing]

Tell her you're tired

and shag ass out of there.




I called her to apologize.



What was that?

I called her to apologize.



But it doesn't really matter

'cause I doubt she'll ever

want to see me again.



You know what?

I gotta call you back.




[Elevator Dings]

Mr. Van Lew?




Yes. Hi.

Reuben Feffer.



I recognized you

from the Forbes cover.



You're way early, sport.

Come on, then. Get in.



Is this the service elevator?



Yeah. I don't think we'll have a problem

with this insurance business.



Sure, I take chances, but, hey,

you can't build a successful business

without the occasional risk.



Oh, of course. What I'm trying to

determine are the kinds of risks

you actually do take.



I only take the calculated ones.

Trust me, I plan on being round

for ages yet.



Well, I know we'd really love

to give you a policy

if we can make it work.



We'll make it work, sport.




So, uh, what are we doing on the roof?



I'm just gonna do

a bit of a BASE jump.



Here. Keep the walkie

on channel    all right?



I don't know what you're talking about.

A BASE jump. A free-fall

from an inanimate object.



I always carry me chute

in case I find a good launching point.

Oh, no.



[Cell Phone Ringing]

All right, look,

just don't do anything, all right?



Reuben Feffer.

Hey, Reuben, it's Polly Prince.



Hey, Polly! How's it going?

I'll give you a shout

when I'm through, all right?



No! No, that's not all right.

Polly, can I call you back in a second?



Okay. I just wanted to tell you

I got your message, and you know what?



Let's just start over and forget about

that whole loofah thing.

Holy shit!







Oh! Holy shit!

I didn't like that loofah.



- [Screams]

- Relax. Leland's meeting with

the insurance guy right now.






- Oh!

- Oh, crap!



Oh, shit!

I'll just call you

in the next few days. Bye!



Leland to Feffer, Leland to Feffer.

You there, mate?



Yes, Feffer to Leland, hello?



Come on down

and give us a hand.



I think I might have

fractured me coccyx.







Oh, look at that.

You got me a new loofah.



Yeah, it's from Finland, and the salesman

said it has a very ergonomic design, so...



Oh, Reuben, that's really...

thank you... really sweet.



Oh, my God! [Laughs]

I don't believe this!



Oh, what are you doing here?



We're having an early supper.

I wanted your father to try new cuisines.



Really? It's only  :  .

It's a crime to beat

the dinner crowds?



Who is this young woman?



This is Polly Prince.

Polly, these are my parents.




Irving and Vivian Feffer.

Polly, it's so good meeting you.



- How are you?

- I can't believe you're eating Indian.

You hate spicy food.



- No, I don't, Mom.

- [No Audible Dialogue]



Well, I'm gonna... Psst!

I'm gonna ask...

[Snaps Fingers]



I'm gonna ask this nice

Native American man

to get us a bigger table.



Mom, they're Indian.

You can call them Indian. It's okay.



Hi. Need big table, please.

Four people.



Many thanks.






Now, how do you kids know each other?

I told you.



Mom, we went to middle school together.

We were both delegates in the Model U.N.



Oh, you still work in government, honey?



No, no. I'm a waitress.



- Mm.

- She's also writing a children's book.



Oh, very nice. Reu, you'll never guess

who I ran into yesterday.



Who's that?

Lisa's mother.



That's good. Hey, Dad, did you try this...

What is this stuff called?



- Sag.

- Sag. Did you try this?



Apparently, Lisa's doing wonderfully

down there in St. Barts,



- selling villas, happy.

- That's good for her.



- Now, who's Lisa?

- Nah.



- Not important.

- Lisa's Reuben's wife.



- Mm. Oh.

- She left him for another man

on their honeymoon.



- Oh.

- Are we ready for the check?

I think I'll take the check.



- [Sighs]

- What?



Well, you know,

your dad seems really nice.



Yes. A man of few words.





Hey, look, I just want you to know

I was gonna tell you about Lisa.



I just, um...

I was embarrassed, and I...



I guess 'cause I hadn't seen you

for so long and...

Oh, it's so okay.



I understand.

No, I was an idiot.



I should've just told you the truth

right from the start.



Reuben, I'm really... I'm not upset.

But when did this happen?



Two weeks ago.



Two weeks ago?



Oh, my God!

Are you okay?



Well, it was a pretty big shock.




I walked in on her, on Lisa,



with, um, a scuba instructor

on the first day of our honeymoon.



They were still wearing their flippers.








I mean... Ohh!






Hey, Reuben!

Uh, it's Polly... Prince.



Um, I don't know

if you have any plans tonight,



but if not, you should swing by,

uh,    Gansevort Street...



around  :  

if you can make it.



You know, it's no big deal,

but it could be fun.



So, you know, think about it.



Okay, so, um, I'll see you later...

or not. I mean either way.



And... Oh, if you do come,

you should wear comfortable shoes.



That is if you come.

But you totally don't have to.



I mean, I might not even be there.



I am so glad that you came.

Yeah. I wore my comfortable shoes

just like you said.




So what are we doing?



Oh, crap.






This place is a total secret.

It is the best underground

salsa club in New York.



Yeah, you know,

I'm not really a big dancer.

I don't know...



Oh, come on. You know what?

It's easier than it looks.



Oh! Oh, okay.

There you go.

Just feel it in your legs.



All right.

Okay. Ow!



Sorry, sorry.

That's okay. Just step on my feet

a little less than that.



  Work it



Hey, hey, hey, hey.!

Looking good, Pollyanna.



- Hey, Javi.

- [Javi Mumbling]



You stop that.

This is my friend Reuben.



- Hey.

- This is Javi.



Hey, you mind if I dance

with the beautiful lady?



- Um, I guess not. Yeah.

- All right, thanks, man.






 [Slow Tempo]







I think I might take off.







Are you having a bad time?

No, no, no!



I'm just not into this whole

dirty dancing thing.



What do you mean,

dirty dancing?



I saw that movie. I know that's what

you and that, uh, Spaniard were doing.



Whoa. Wait a minute.

First of all, he's Cuban,



and that wasn't dirty dancing,

that was just salsa.



Okay, it's just I'm just really,

truthfully not the kind of guy...



that's ever gonna be into

these kind of clubs or any...



Okay, Reuben, you know, then tell me,

what kind of guy are ya?



What kind of guy am I?

What do you mean?



Well, up until now, you haven't

exactly been the portrait of honesty,

so just come clean, okay?



Just tell me who you are.



I hate spicy food.

I knew it!



Yeah, I don't like it at all.

I have a mild case of I.B.S. and...

What is that?



Irritable bowel syndrome.




Irritable bowel syndrome.



Oh, God. That's terrible.



Um, what else?

Look, the thing is,



I assess risk for a living,

so I know that I have a.   % chance...



of being hit by a car

on my way home,



or a one in       chance

of falling through a subway grate.




So I try to manage that risk

by avoiding danger...



and having a plan and

knowing what my next move is,



and I guess you don't exactly

live your life that way.



No, I do it...

I do it a little differently.

Yeah, which is great.



But I'm not gonna ever be

a dirty dancer,



and I don't eat food

with my hands,



and I really like you, but I just don't think

this is gonna work out.



I just have to go pee.







[Water Running]



Just kidding.!




[Mock Chuckle]




 [Woman Vocalizing]



 Do it, do it



 Do it again



 Do it again



 Let's do it again



 I wanna do it again



 Sometimes the rain



- Hey.

- Hi.



 Like you and me, baby



  Gettin'down with the sounds around



  Oh, the smell

of the morning flower



 As we pass away the hours



 I wanna do it again



 Do it again

Do it







Did you just spank me?




I don't... No.




Are you sure?



'Cause it felt

like you just swatted me.

No, no, you...



I have a little crick in my wrist.

You just felt that little...



I was just...

Do you hear that?




Yeah. You hear that?

Well, I got it out.





[Mutters, Indistinct]






[Reuben Thinking]

Oh, wow. This is incredible.



Oh, man.



Oh, God.

Oh, yeah.



Oh, no! No, no.

You can't be done yet.



Come on, Reuben, focus.

You have to last at least five minutes here.



Four minutes,         .



Two minutes            .



Come on.

You can do it.




Oh, God!










Yeah,   ! Whoo!




Let it rain.!



I tell ya, I think I might end up

marrying this woman.



Really? After one night?



Did you spank her?



Yeah, I tried,

but I don't think she liked it.



Yeah, some women find it offensive.






I did not sleep with him

out of charity.



You weren't interested till you found out

his wife boned some other guy

on their honeymoon.



That's not it.

He is a kind, decent, solid guy.



I've never been

with anybody like that.



Still sounds like a charity boning. Hi.

Thank you.



Do you have to use the word

"bone" every time?



I use it when it's appropriate.



Have you ever heard of a guy

shouting out "  " when he orgasmed?







Okay, so throw pillows

go in this cabinet here.



Oh, you don't...

you don't sleep on these?



No, no, they're... decorative.



- For who?

- What do you mean?



You're the only one who sees them,

but you don't sleep on them.



Then you take them off the bed every night,

put 'em in a box, take them out of the box.



I just don't understand the point.



I don't know. I mean,

Lisa thought they looked nice.



Oh. I see.







I don't see what the big deal is.

They make the bed look nice.






What are you doing?

That's goose down!

I'm liberating you.



Try it.




I'm not gonna...

Just one stab. Come on.

See how you feel.



Come on!

This is ridiculous.



It's not ridiculous.



It's not like driving a knife into a pillow

is suddenly gonna make me feel...



Wow. That feels really good.



Huh? Right?





- What did I tell you?

- You know what? You're right.



Come on. Bigger one.

What is the point

of these things really?



No point.

They're stupid.

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!



Ha! Ha! Ha!

I mean, what, am I running

a bed-and-breakfast?



Not anymore.

You know how many minutes a day...



I spend getting throw pillows

on and off the bed?

How many?



Four minutes in the morning,

four minutes at night.

That's eight minutes of my life.



I figured it out. It's    minutes a week.

That's nearly two days of my life a year

I spent putting pillows on and off a stupid bed!



Ha! Ha!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!




Whoa, whoa, whoa!



- Wait, wait, wait. You hit mattress.

- Oh, yeah.




You know what?

I really gotta go. I'm late.




[Reuben] What's wrong?

You lose your keys again?



No, they're just not

where I left them before.



Hey, why don't you use

that key finder I bought you?

Reuben, I don't...



I think it could help.

need the stupid key finder!



All right. Anyway,

I was thinking I'd come meet you.



Really? I thought you hated

dirty dancing clubs.




No, it's just salsa.

It'll be fun. I'll watch.



Hey, what's that noise?




It's the key finder, isn't it?

No, it's so not the key finder.



Yes, it is!

It is not the key finder.

I'll see you later. Bye.



Yes, it...

Oh! How?



 [Man Singing In Spanish]



Hey, Reuby Tuesday.

¿Cómo estás?



Yeah. Doin' all right.



You know what? Actually,

me no estás too good, Javier.



I want you to stay away from Polly,

all right?



Find yourself another dance partner.



- Why?

- Why?



Because she and I are a couple, all right?

Yeah, we're dating.



And I'm not gonna let

some big shot salsa king...



sweep in with your mambo moves

and your Erik Estrada look...



and come in and try to take her away,

because I've had that happen before

and it's not gonna happen again.



- Reuben, I am gay.

- Hey, I don't care what you... What?



I'm homosexual. My boyfriend Hector,

he plays the keyboards in the house band.






Hey, you think maybe

you could give me some salsa lessons?









You hated it.

No, I don't.



It's just... It's very graphic

for a children's book.



You know, like this one:

"The Boy with a Nub for an Arm."



Well, that one has a moral.



You know, to teach kids they gotta be careful

when they're playing with fireworks.



Right. No, and-and I think

it's brilliant, by the way. Seriously.




I mean, like,

you really convey...



the pain and the fear,

and I love the little doggy too.



But... And I don't mean

this in a bad way.




Just what were you thinking?






So I put all the risks and rewards

into the program,

Okay. Right.



which helps me finalize

my recommendations.



"Leland Van Lew."

Ooh.! BASE jumping.!



That is supposed to be so much fun.

That should be on the rewards side.



It's one of the most dangerous activities

a human being can do.




Have you done it?




Have I parachuted off

the top of a building? No.








So how do you know

what it's like?



I don't.

Huh. Interesting.



Would you like

some more bulgogi?





Yeah, thanks.



I actually like this.

Yeah, it's good.

You do?



[Vomiting Loudly]



Now you look like

a pro racquetballer.

How's that shirt fit, all right?



Uh, yeah, it's fine.

You know, I was thinking

maybe we can just sit and talk.



I'm not really

a big raquetball player.

No worries.



We'll just get up a bit of a sweat.

Have a few giggles.



- [Yelling]

- [Screams]



So I've been running the numbers,



and I gotta say...

things aren't looking

too good from our end.










Leland, I mean,

it's not just the BASE jumping.



It's the heli-skiing,




volcano luging, shark diving.



Bottom line is, unless

you drastically alter your lifestyle,



we won't be able to insure you.



Reuben, I came to you

for a reason.



I was told that you had

more imagination...



than any of the other blokes

in the big firms...



that you analyze the man

and not just the numbers.



I guess I was wrong.



Are you trying to manipulate me?

Of course I am.



But I wanna hold onto me company.




- Oh!

- I'll tell you what.



I'm gonna be in Nantucket

at the end of the month.



You'll come up and be my guest

aboard the 'Roo Shooter.



Aboard the what?

My sailboat.



I'll take you for a bit of a sail,

give you a chance to really get to know me.



And I guarantee you

by the end of the weekend,

you'll know what a safe bet I really am.



Yeah, you know what?

Uh, you're bleeding pretty bad.



Yeah, I think I've swallowed

a tooth or something.






No. Got it.




Your serve.




So I tell Leland

we can't insure him.



He responds by

inviting me up to Nantucket

for some Death Ray Sailing Challenge.







Oh, we gotta go do that.

I've never been to Nantucket.

You wanna come?



I would... Well, can... Is that rude?

Is it all right if I invite myself?



No! That'd be great. Okay, good.

So you're actually gonna

commit to something in advance.



Yeah... Oh.

Oh, my God.



Okay, yeah, I am.

I think that would be really fun.



Whoa, whoa, whoa.




What are you doin'?

I'm-I'm gonna have some nuts.



No. You don't eat mixed nuts

at a bar. Everybody knows that.



What are you talking about?



Okay. Let's say, uh,



conservatively, I don't know,

   people eat these nuts on a given night.



Okay? If they've been here

for even two weeks,

we're talking about...



    people who dipped

their dirty hands into that bowl.



Dirty... Why are their...

Why are their hands dirty?



On average, only one out of

every six people wash their hands

when they go to the bathroom.




Yeah, so when you think you're

innocently eating a little bar snack,



you're actually ingesting potentially

deadly bacteria from about

   soil-handed strangers.



I mean, people wonder

why they get E. coli poisoning

or salmonella or hepatitis,



when all they gotta do

is look at the snack bowl

at their local watering hole.



I'm not being neurotic.




It's an absolute hot zone in there.



How could you have eaten those?



l-l-l-I mean,

I made such a compelling argument.



I like to live life on the edge.



Oh. Thank you.

Yeah. You never know.








Reuben, I mean,

you don't have to do this.



I don't care that you...

that you don't know how to dance.



No, I thought I'd give it one last try.

Hey, Javi.



Hey, Reuben. You ready?




What is happening?



- [Shouts In Spanish]

- [Polly] What?



-    [Singing In Spanish]

- What are you doing?












Yi, yi, yi, yi, yi, yi, yi!






I don't even know where that

"yi, yi, yi, yi, yi, yi" thing came from.

It was just awesome.




Holy shit.!



What are you doing here?



I'm back.



Who's this?



Who's this?

This is my girlfriend.




- You have a girlfriend?

- I'm not your girlfriend.



I mean, we'rejust kind of...

Hi, I'm Polly.








So, yeah.

You know, you guys probably have

a lot to talk about.



So I'm just gonna go.

No, no, no, no, no.

I don't want you to go.



That's okay. Please. I wanna go.

Bye, Lisa. Nice to meet you.

I don't...



I don't want you to go.

I'm just gonna...

You gotta talk about it.



I'm just gonna go.





I don't understand.



I mean, I thought...

I thought you were really happy with Claude.



l-I was for a few weeks.

But then all he ever talked about

was scuba diving.



- Really?

- I missed you.




I missed you too, but...

I mean, come on!



What was I supposed to do?

I moved on. I'm in a relationship.



- What, with that Polly person?

- Yeah.



She doesn't even

call herself your girlfriend.



She... That's... No.

She just doesn't like the phrasing.



Oh, okay. Okay.

Then let mejust ask you this.



Are you really gonna spend

the rest of your life with her?



I don't know, Lisa.



Because I'm ready

to do that with you, Reuben.



I made a mistake

and I took you for granted,



but I promise you that

I will never, ever hurt you again.



I love you, Reuben.



You know what?

I think, um...



I think you should, um,

go stay with your parents, okay,



'cause I gotta

be out of here in a week.



What are you talking about?

Where are you going?

Where am I going?



I'm going into the house, remember?

The house that I bought for us to live in.



Well, then, let's-let's do it together.

Let's go move into our house.



You don't just...

No, we can't just go... I can't...



No. I can't...



I don't even know

what to say right now, okay? So...







If you wanna get back together

with her, just let me know.



No, I'm not planning

on getting back together with her.



I wouldn't be seeing you

if I was planning...

It's cool, you know?



You guys are married.

She came back.

All right, Polly...



How's it coming

with Herb Lazare, D.D.S.?




I haven't even gotten into it yet.

I'm-I'm still working on Van Lew.



Wait a minute. I thought

you decided on Van Lew two weeks ago.



We're presenting to AFLAC

on Wednesday.



Polly, can you hang on a second?

Just hang on one second.

No, I kinda have to go.



You better not be

bonus hunting on me, Reuben.

Bonus hunting?



Stan, the man's career is on the line.

I owe it to him to give him

a thorough analysis.



All right.



I'm going to Barbados

with my mistress for the weekend.



I want this Van Lew thing settled

by the time I get back. All right?



I am on it,

and I'm gonna make it happen.



Good things.

Good things.



[Dial Tone]




Oh, damn!

[Doorbell Rings]



Hey, pal.

Hey, Larry.



Lisa dropped this off for you.



Oh. Thanks.



[Reuben's Voice]

I met a real estate agent

named Lisa Kramer...



who showed me an apartment,

which I rentedjust so

she'd go out with me.



[Lisa's Voice]

I gave him a good price.

Yeah, not good enough.



She's a killer.!






 Hey, hey, hey, hey



I just can't believe

she came back.

 [Continues, Indistinct]



Can we please just focus for a second?

I'm almost finished.



What's next?

Polly's career prospects.



Risky. She's writing a children's book

where kids get maimed.



Yeah, see, I think her lack of career

is actually a positive,



'cause she'd have more time

to spend with the kids.




You're skewing the numbers

in Polly's favor, Reuben.



Why are we even doing this?



Because I'm confused, Sandy.



I mean, my goddamn wife

shows up on my doorstep...



wanting to get back together,

Polly's freaking out.



I just wanna make sure

I'm making the right decision.






I don't see how putting these two girls

in the Riskmaster's gonna help you

make up your mind.







What's it say?










No way.

You should just cut your losses

and get back with Lisa.



Nah, I checked it, like, three times.

The program says she's the safer choice.




By the way, dude,

is your health okay?



I mean,

you're looking kind of thin.



Uh, no. Polly's been

making me eat ethnic food,



so I've been

throwing up a lot lately.




Polly Prince.



Polly Feffer.



Polly Prince-Feffer.



Come on. You can't cancel.

I thought you were so excited to go.



I know, but...




We fell in love with these

funny little Bolivian mud huts.




- Hold on.

- So we had our designer use

a similar color palette in here.



Hi. I'm sorry.

I'm on the phone.



Would you just please keep it...




So, also, you know what else?



It's like I feel weird going away

for the weekend when

your wife's just come back into town.



I don't know why you're making this

into such a big deal.



I told you I'm not

getting back together with her.




So are you coming or not?

I'm coming.



All right.





Okay, bye.



  Goddamn right

it's a beautiful day



  Uh-huh, goddamn right

it's a beautiful day






 [Continues, Indistinct]



You're pretty good at it.

You're a natural.




Oh.! This is amazing.!

Hey, Leland!



Are those storm clouds up ahead?



Nah. We might just get

a light dusting, that's all.

Nothing to write home about.






Are you sure you're all right?




Oh, no, I'm okay.

I don't think I have my sea legs yet.



I'll be out in a sec.

All right.



Oh, God.






So I know we haven't been

seeing each other that long,



but I really feel like

it's time we take things to the next level,



and I'd like you to consider

moving in with me.



Why don't we just...

Why don't we just move in together?



Oh, yeah. We're gonna

have ourselves a tussle.




Hey, Polly!



Oh, my God.

Rodolfo's in your toiletry kit.!

Did you know that?



Did you pack him,

or did you... did you...



What-What is this?

I mean, why am I in your computer...



on your Riskmaster thingy and...

Okay, you know what?



I can explain this, Polly.

Well, no, it's fascinating.

I learned a lot about myself.



I've learned that I have no career,

I'm flaky, I like ethnic food.



Polly, would you let me explain this?




Lisa came back, and I, you know,

I've been trying to figure things out.



What are you figuring out, Reuben?

Just about us and our future.




What are you talking about?



What future?

Reuben, come on!



This is a fling, you know?

Come on. What, did you think

we were gonna get married?



Whoa! Maybe...



I was gonna ask you

to move in with me first.



Oh, my God.

You expect me to move

to the suburbs with you?



Reuben, are you insane?

Whoa! Why is that so crazy?



People do that all the time.

They have kids,

they-they-they make plans,



they get married,

they buy houses.

You know what, though?



That's you, Reuben.

You do that, right?

That's what you do.



I don't live my life that way.

Is your lack of a plan

that different than my plan?



I don't...

I don't have a plan.

Yes, you do!



You're on the non-plan plan.

I am not on a non-plan plan!



You are too!

I've never met anybody more afraid

of committing to anything.



I mean, you were a senior delegate

at the Model U.N., Polly.



What the hell happened to you?








Come on, you mother!

You can do better than that!



I've been living my life, okay?



I've been in good relationships

and I've been in shitty ones,



and I've moved a lot,

and I've been happy

and I've been sad,



and I've been lonely,

and that's what I've been doing,



which is a lot more than I can say

for some freak who thinks...



he's gonna get the Ebola virus

from a bowl of mixed nuts.



Those nuts have pee on them!

It's common sense!



Oh, trust me, that is

so far beyond common sense, Reuben.






You don't understand

what I grew up with.



I had a mother

who made me afraid of everything.



Okay, well, big deal, Reuben.

My dad had a whole second family.



- What?

- Yeah, on Long Island.



A wife and kids

and a golden retriever.



A second family?



Whatever. Hey, you know what?



I'm, uh, glad I saw that.




I am.

'Cause you know what?



I'm gonna make this

really, uh, easy for you, Reuben.



I have, um...

I have no interest...



in getting married

and moving to the suburbs.



And, obviously, that's something

that's really important to you.



So here's what I think

your new plan should be.



I think you should

get back together with Lisa,



move into your house,

and move on with your life.



And-And, uh, I think

you guys will be really happy together.



Oh, dear Lord.







You're not making myjob

any easier, Leland.



Ah, come on, Reub.

Weather report said sunny skies.



  Your sorry eyes



  They cut through the bone



  They make it hard



  To leave you alone



[Polly On Answering Machine]

Hey, it's Polly... Prince.



Leave me a message, or call back,

or not.



You know, whatever.

Okay, bye.




Hey, Polly, it's me.

Listen, um,



I would like to talk to you,

all right?



'Cause I feel really bad

about what happened, and...



Just give me a call

on my cell phone, all right?



 Baby, you're a lost



 Baby, you're a lost






 Baby, you're a lost cause




Hi. It's Lisa.



Oh. Hey.

So, how's the house?



The house is, uh...

it's great.



Yeah, it's big,

but, you know, great.



Well, I can't wait to see it.

Hey, did you get the gift I sent you?



Yeah, I did. Thanks.



I really wanna

see you, Reuben.



I don't know, Lisa.

Let me think about it.



 Fighting for a lost cause



[Man Over P.A.]

Ladies and gentlemen,

please take your seats.



The premiere ofJesus Christ Superstar

is about to begin.






Reuby Tuesday.!

Hey! Javi!



¿Cómo estás?

What are you doin' here?



What else?

Hector's playin' keyboards

in the band.




I didn't figure you

a fan of musical theater.



No, my friend Sandy Lyle

is in the show.



Hey, have you, um...

have you talked to Polly?



She was upset, bro.

Must've been some kind of fight, huh?



Yeah. I keep calling her up,

and she won't pick up the phone.



I don't know, I was thinking

about maybe dropping by tomorrow.



It's a bit too late, papi.

She's leaving town in about two hours.



What? W-Why?

Where is she going?

I don't know.



She said good-bye.

That's it.



Hi. I'm sorry I'm late.




Oh, no. Yeah.







Hey, Javi, this is Lisa,



my... wife.










Her mother told me she was back.

You're doing the right thing here, Reub.



Relax, Mom.

I'm not promising anything.

It's very exciting.



[Cell Phone Ringing]

Reuben Feffer.



Reuben, Stan.

Change of plan.



The meeting with Van Lew's board

and the AFLAC people's moved to  :  .

 :  ?



I don't know if I can do that.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Get your ass over here!



[Over P.A.]

Good evening, folks.

Uh, I'm Sandy Lyle,



and I've got

a very special announcement.



Please note that in tonight's performance,




in addition to playing

the role ofJudas,



I'll be playing Jesus as well.



Thank you very much

and enjoy the show.

[Man] Sandy, what are you doing?



Wonsuk is playing Jesus.




It's cool. I'm playing dual roles.



Give me your crown, okay, Wonsuk?


Screw you, Sandy.!



You're a has-been.

No one even cares

you were in that stupid movie.



- Oh, no.

- Oh, shit! Aah!



[All Gasping]


Judas is biting me.!



What just happened in there?

I am a professional, Reuben,



and I'm not gonna put

my reputation on the line

for a group of freaking amateurs.




It's always the same story

with you, huh, pal?



You did this one movie

a hundred years ago.



From then on, you thought

you were better than everybody else.



Why don't you let go?

Move on with your life.



It's not about

what happened in the past...



or what you think

might happen in the future.



It's about the ride, for Christ's sake.



There's no point going through

all this crap...



if you're not gonna

enjoy the ride.



And you know what?

When you least expect it,



something great might come along...



something better

than you even planned for.



You were funny as hell

playing those bagpipes, though.



Did I ever tell you that?



l-I don't think I've ever heard you

speak before, Mr. Feffer.



So, Reuby, we're gonna grab a bite

after your work thingamajigy?



No, Lisa.



I shouldn't have asked you

to come down here.



I'm not getting back together with you.



What are you talking about?





You screwed a scuba diving instructor

on our honeymoon.



I mean, what kind

of cold, heartless bitch...



would do that to someone they love?



I'd have to be an idiot

to get back together with you after that.



Oh, and by the way,

I destroyed all your little throw pillows.



Yeah, because throw pillows suck, okay?



They serve no purpose.

They're purely decorative.



Dude, that was incredible.



You're the one who told me

I should get back together with her.




Whatever you do,

don't ever take my advice again.



Your dad totally

put it in perspective for me.



I was barely famous back then,

and I'm never gonna be famous again.



What about your

E.! True Hollywood Story?



The E! Channel doesn't even know

we're making this show.



What do you mean?



I hired Dustin and Vic myself.



And I was gonna try and sell it

to the network when I'm done.



You mean you're doing

an E.! True Hollywood Story

on yourself?






Sandy, that's so...

That's the stupidest thing

I've ever heard.



I know. I'm such a loser.



Look, I need you to do something

for me that's really, really important.



So you gotta promise me

just this one time

you won't screw it up.



Reuben, I'm your wingman.



Whatever it is,

I will not let you down.



Your Reuben's proxy?

What the hell does that mean?



Now, he's dealing with a personal situation,

so he asked me to fill in.



Now, you gotta relax.

I'm a professional actor,



and these dudes

will never know the difference.

I can't freaking believe this is happening.



Be quiet, 'cause I'm...

tryin' to prepare.



I'm gonna vomit.



I am so sorry

for the delay, folks,



but one of our senior analysts,

Reuben Feffer,



had his spleen burst

just a few moments ago, and...



That's not good.

Is he gonna be all right?

Well, God willing, Leland.



But anyway, be that as it may,

we have Mr. Feffer's associate here,

Mr. Sanford Lyle,



who's been briefed on the case

and will present Reuben's recommendations.



Thank you, Stanley.



[Clearing Throat Loudly]



[Clearing Throat Loudly]

I just need a little bit of water.



[Slurps, Groans]



[Clearing Throat Loudly]



As you know,

this is a highly complex case.



Um, let me see here.



[Clearing Throat Loudly]



Yeah, on the plus side,



Leland's blood pressure is pretty solid.



And he's, uh, at a decent weight,



and he looks

pretty damn healthy, right?



And he's a sexy guy, right?



And he is sexually active

in the community.



[Honking, Tires Screeching]



- Polly?

- J.F.K., please.



[Rodolfo Chittering]



Let's not bullcrap each other.



On paper, Van Lew is one of

the riskiest sons ofbitches alive.



But, people,



we cannot sum up a man's life

with a bunch of numbers

on a computer screen.



All right, we all need to

look into our hearts and go,



"Do I think this dude is gonna die

in a few years or not?"



Is old Leland here

gonna fight off a man...



with the last name "Reaper,"

first name...



who goes by the last name "Reaper,"

first name "Grim"?



Or will this BASE-jumping,














motocross-racing bastard die?



And the answer is no, friends,



which is why myself,



Reuben Feffer, Stan...



and all of us here

at Indurby and Friends...



are willing to lay our asses

on the line...



and proudly recommend

that Leland Van Lew...



receive fifty million dollars

in life and health...



and automobile insurance...



for a duration of no less than    years.



Hey, what do you think, guys?



Are you that kid from Crocodile Tears?



You're goddamn right I am.



I thought so.

Impressive presentation.

He's insured.



Yeah! Bloody ripper!




Love ya, son.!







Rodolfo, wait.!



I'm so sorry!

[Beeping Intensifies]



Reuben, it's too late.

I have to be on a plane

in, like,    minutes.



I don't think

you really wanna leave here.



You have no idea what I want.



You left Rodolfo behind.

Does that mean anything to you?



Look, I made a mistake, all right?

I should've never put you in

the Riskmaster.



Truth is, no matter

what happened on our honeymoon,



you're much riskier

than Lisa could ever be.




Right. That's why

it's not gonna work out between us.



Reuben, you are a nice, safe,

conventional guy.




It's not gonna work out.



I don't think

that's who I really am.



It is, Reuben.

That's okay.



What do I have to do

to prove it to you? Huh?







What are you...

Oh, my God.



Hey, look.

Look, I'm eating nuts.



- What the hell are you doing?

- Those nuts aren't even dirty.









Since we've been together,

I've felt more uncomfortable,



out of place, embarrassed...



and just physically sick

than I have in my entire life.



But I couldn't have

gone through all that...



I couldn't have thrown up

   times in    days...



if I wasn't in love with you.



Maybe you were right.

Maybe this is just a fling.



But if you get on that plane

and you go to Cincinnati...



or Tanzania

or wherever you're going,



we'll never know if

it could've been something more.



Oh, no.

No, no, no.



No. Oh, no.




- Oh, Reuben.

- Please don't eat those.



No, really.



Oh, God.



I don't want you to go away, Polly.



I'm not gonna marry you, Reuben.



I don't wanna get married.



I just wanna take you to dinner...



sometime this week.



Can I pick the place?






Excuse me. Hi. Hello.



I see you two are new to the island.

I want to come have a meet...



Oh, my stars and stripe.




Oh, my God.

I cannot believe it is you.

This is Polly.



Hi, Polly.

I am Claude.



Wow. Hi.

So how's it goin'?



In truth, uh,



it has been a little bit

tough noogies for me.



Lisa, she... she broke my heart.



- I'm sorry to hear that.

- Ah. That is life, huh?



Well, you have to be like the hippo.



Exactly. Like the hippo.



So, let me guess.

You are here on honeymoon again?

This is your beautiful bride?



Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

We're just, uh...

We're just hangin' out.



Oh, come on.

It's a little more serious than that.



Well, yeah.

I'm just sayin' we're not married.




- No, definitely not married.

But it's possible.

- It is possible.



We're takin'things step by step,

seein'how they work out.



Okay, I don't really understand

what you are talking about,



but, uh, any chance

you are for scuba today?



You know what?

Actually, we are for scuba.



- No way, Jose!

- Yes way, Jose!



But we're goin' out with that guy.



Hey, Leland.!

We'll be out there in a minute.!



Ah, you know what?

As long as you are for scuba, Leuban,

I am happy.



Oh. Sweet.



So, au revoir, my good friend.

Okay. Hey.



Thank you for everything, Claude.



It's good to see you again.

Good-bye, Polly.




Nice to meet you, Claude.



You as well.



So you ready?

Let's do it.



 But you can't seem to get enough



 Let my love open the door



 Let my love open the door



 Let me love open the door



  To your heart

 Let my love open the door



 Let my love open the door



 Let my love open the door



 Let my love open the door



  When everything feels all over



  When everybody seems unkind



 I'll give you a four-leaf clover



  Take all the worry

out of your mind



 Let my love open the door



 Let my love open the door



 Let my love open the door



  To your heart

 Let my love open the door



  To your heart

 Let my love open the door



 Let my love open the door



 Let my love open the door



 I have the only key to your heart



 I can stop you falling apart



  Try today, you'll find this way



  Come on and give me a chance to say



 Let my love open the door



 It's all I'm living for



 Release yourself from misery



  There's only one thing

gonna set you free



  That's my love



  That's my love



 Let my love open the door



 Let my love open the door



 Let my love open the door



 Let my love open the door



  When tragedy befalls you



 Don't let it drag you down



 Love can cure your problem



  You're so lucky I'm around



 Let my love open the door



 Let my love open the door



 Let my love open the door



  To your heart

Special help by SergeiK