America's Sweethearts Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the America's Sweethearts script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Julia Roberts and Catherine Zeta-Jones movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of America's Sweethearts. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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America's Sweethearts Script

America first fell in love with Eddie Thomas and Gwen Harrison... the box-office smash Autumn with Greg and Peg. 

They had the most celebrated marriage in Hollywood. 

who could forget how they hit one out of the park... Requiem for an Outfielder? 

You can't die, Mike. You can't. 

Because l love you. 

Justice never tasted so sweet... in The Bench. 

l didn't do it. l'm innocent. Why won't anyone believe me? 

-l object! -You're out of order! 

No, you're out of order! 

l object to the way my client has been treated. 

l object that l've let my professional judgment... 

...become clouded by my feelings for her. 

l object to the way the room spins when she walks in. 

l object, Your Honor, because l love this woman. 

Theirlove opened our eyes... Sasha and the Optometrist. 

Read from the top line, Sasha. 






Dr. Martin! 

Eddie Thomas and Gwen Harrison: 

America's sweethearts. 

God, they were great. Made my job cake. 

l did the press for all nine movies. Six did over $1 00 million. 

They were on top of the world. 

Then she blew it by dating that Spaniard. 

-Did you cut this? -No, Chad in marketing-- 

Always take credit. That is survival rule number one. 

Okay, l did it on my Mac. 

Rule number two: Don't take credit until someone says they like it. 

lt's not bad. 

l hope this isn't too awkward for you. l'll never fill your shoes. 

l know. 

Kingman's in the screening room. He wants you to see something right away. 

Please remind Mr. Kingman that he fired me last week. 

And then invite him to kiss my undercarriage. 

You'll want to see this, Lee. 

-Hello, Dave. -Lee. 

-Thanks for coming. -Why am l here? 

l'm just confused. You did fire me last week, so why am l here? 

-To see the new Weidmann film. -Really? 

Eddie and Gwen's last movie. 

You've seen it? All of it? How is it? 

Would you roll that, please? 

Be the first to see what only l have seen. As a friend. 

Something wrong? 

Did the film break? 

The film is fine. At least, l think it's fine. Wherever it is. 

l spent 86 million dollars... 

...of the studio's money... 

...on 20 seconds... 

...of titles. 

That's all he sent. The titles! 

And a note. 

''Dave, we could also do these in blue.'' 

-We had to make a Weidmann film! -He has three Oscars. He's a genius. 

There's only one genius in the business: Señor Wences! 

Lipstick, hair and his hand! He had an 85-year career! 

Do you remember? Huh? 

''All right?'' Don't talk to me about genius. 

-Remember the nut in the woods? -Ted Kaczynski. 

-The guy at Fox? -The Unabomber. 

Remember he lived in that cabin? 


Hal Weidmann bought that cabin from the government... 

...and moved it onto his property. That is where he edits his movies. 

That is his little, twisted... 

...sicko office. 

lt's him. On the phone. 

-Who? -Hal. 

l'll kill him! That sick son-of-a-bitch bastard. 

Put him on the speaker. 

Hi, Hal. 

How are you, darling? 

You're in my thoughts. l want to send you a basket. 

How's the film? 

-Finding its way. -Could it find its way here? 

We have a few things to do, like finish it. 

lt's finished, Dave. 

Great. How is it? 

My mother thinks it's my best work. 

-Can l speak with her? -No, Dave. 

-Can someone pick it up? -No, Dave. 

-You haven't commented on the titles. -l love them. l have no notes. 

-When's the press junket? -Weekend of the 21 st. Why? 

l want the press to see it first. 

we'll experience it together at thejunket. 

l'm the head of the studio. l don't experience things with the press. 

-l'm hanging up now. -Wait! Wait! 

Give me that. Hello? 


...damn it! 

-We can't see it before the press! -At the junket? 

At the junket! 

Lee, you have got to do this junket for me. 

Set up a junket for a film you're not sure you'll have? 

-Yes. -No! 

Don't make me beg. 

-You already are. -Lee, please. 

Please, come on. Lee? 

-Danny can handle it. -No. 

Danny cannot handle it. lt's his first junket. 

l need the master. You're a legend at working the press. 

-l want to stay a living legend. -lf not for me, do it for my father. 

You worked together a long time. You bonded. 

-He was psychotic. -You spoke at his funeral. 

-l loved him. You, l can't stand. -Do this for me. Please. 

The studio's going under! No hit in two years! 

lt may be the last Eddie and Gwen movie, and l can't get my hands on it! 

What do you want? l'll tell you what l want. 

lf people think Eddie and Gwen are reunited, they'll see the film. 

-Make it happen. -That'll be easy. 

Make it look like it could happen. 

She has a restraining order against him. 

-He's in some mountaintop nut hut. -l don't care! 

l need Eddie and Gwen back together again, smiling and happy! 

-We can sell it. -And the Spaniard? 

Unless l get a script called l Schtupped Castro, l don't know. 

-So what do you want? -l want the golf cart. 

-No, it was a gift from Arnold. -l'm kidding. 

-l can have anything? -Yeah. Within reason. 

l want my job back. 

-Don't do this-- -Have a good junket. Keep me posted. 

All right. Yes. 

You get them back together, you can have your job. 

-Where are we booked? -Four Seasons. 

No. Book us in the middle of nowhere, where they can't escape. 

We need a hotel like the one in The Shining. 

The new Hyatt in Nevada? lt's in the desert. 

Book it. We have to keep the press entertained. 

Let the press think it's about them, not the movie. 

Give them a lot to do: parties, hayrides, circle jerks. 

Help them forget they haven't seen the movie. What about gifts? 

The movie's about a cop traveling in time, so l did a gun. 

-You're giving press members a gun? -lt's not real-- 

We'll do a bag. Call the bag man. 

Diamond earrings, money clips, chocolate truffles, perfume. 

l don't want this to be awkward for you, but l've got work to do. 

-How will you get Eddie and Gwen there? -l know somebody. 

l love you. l'd do anything for you. You're just asking an awful lot. 

A junket with Eddie isn't Gwen's priority. Take the lilies out. 

Yes. l understand. 

Excuse me. Could you please put that out? 

-Gwen would love this. -l can't take unsolicited material. 

Just warning you it'll be a bit of a fight. l'll do what l can. 

God help us. 

When we come back from the break, you know the scenario. 

-l've been here before. -Look right at that camera. 

Talk right to the caller. 

-Right down the tube. -Okay, five seconds. 

Let's go to the calls on Larry King Live. 

-You're on the air with Gwen Harrison. -Hi, Larry. 

Gwen, hi. l used to be a big fan... 

...but l'm sorry, l can't get over what happened with you and Eddie. 

-l can't sleep at night. How can you? -Well.... 

You sleep next to a very handsome young Spanish gentleman, don't you? 

Let's go to our next call. Rock lsland, lllinois, hello. 

Gwen, l saw yourlatest movie. 

-Thank you. -l couldn't sit through it. 

without Eddie, it's not the same. 

This has to be hard. Your last two movies without Eddie... 

...tanked at the box office. 

They were big in Europe and huge in Japan, actually. 

Still, it must be tough. Two duds in a row... 

...lots of intrigue, whispers, talk. 

What happens if this one tanks? 

l hate Larry King. Why did l do his stupid show? 

-Just breathe. -l don't want to breathe. 

''Your last two movies tanked.'' 

l wanted to choke him to death with those stupid suspenders. 

-Everyone hates me. -That's not true. 

The lighting was great. Everybody said you looked great. 

-Who? -You looked great. 

-See? -Thanks. As if she really knows. 

Water will make you feel better. 

l only like the water with the electrolytes. 

-Larry said you were amazing. -Thank you. 

l love Larry. 

Let's love him down to the dressing room. 

-Black or white? -White. 

And those glasses! Who wears frames that big anymore? 

He looks like a bug. 

l just want this week to be over. 

Why can't the world accept that l don't want to be with Eddie? 

l just want to scream at people: ''Get a life!'' 

-l want this week to be over. ls it? -Almost. Push. 

-Kiki! -l'm sorry. 

l smell smoke. ls somebody smoking? 

-l don't know. -lt's probably Larry. 

-How many heart attacks has he had? -Six? Maybe seven? 

Can we just go? l don't want to be here anymore. 

-Those are beautiful. -Okay. 

l got a call from Lee today. 

-Who? -The studio's publicist? Remember? 

You got upset when Letterman didn't air your show due to the Gulf War. 

-He was there with the English toffee. -l remember the toffee. Great toffee. 

We'll get you some when you meet with him to talk about the junket. 

-Oh, God. Do l have to? -Meet with him? Yes, you have to. 

lt's not fair. All this pressure on me and none on Eddie. 

He's probably having a ball. 

This letter is a very important part of healing. 

Writing your mom gives you the opportunity to thank her... 

...or forgive her or ask her why she did what she did. 

We don't mail it. But the act of putting it on paper frees you. 

Allows you to let go. Now, what did you say to your mother? 

''Dear Mom: 

Fuck you.'' 

Okay. We'll try the letter some other time. 

Are you comfortable speaking about Gwen? 

-Think l should? -There's no ''should.'' 

-Think l can? -What is ''can''? 

All right. 

There was this place in Chinatown. Tiny little place. 

They wouldn't bother us there. 

We'd get wonton soup and crumpled duck and sit there for hours, talking. 

She took him there. 

She took him to our crumpled duck. 

l followed them and l saw him pouring the soup and smiling.... 

lt was a total accident. 

She told the press l tried to kill her. That's crazy. She loves to overreact. 

We have a saying, Edward. 

What is that? Bean salad? 

What does that mean? 

l don't know what it means. lt's very old. 

l'm making progress. l feel more secure. 

A lot more secure. Do l seem more secure? 

You look great. Whatever they're doing, it's working. 

Your face has color. l'm in love. 

They say two weeks here changes your life. 

-When are two weeks up? -Six months ago. 

-But l'm getting close to something. -l can see that. 

-Did you watch Larry King last night? -l was in the isolation tank. 

The reason l bring it up is Gwen was on. 

-She took kind of a beating. -She did, did she? 

You, young lady, are nobody without Eddie! Nobody likes you! 

Never go anywhere without Eddie. You're nothing. You're nothing! 

-Get her out of here now! Nothing! -l'm so sorry, Larry. 

l guess she got what she deserved. 

Why are you here? Kiss Gandhi goodbye, and let's get ready for the junket. 

-l'm not going! l'm not ready. -The studio and the movie need you. 

l don't care about the movie. How is it? Good? 

l've only seen the beginning, but it's fantastic. 

Hold it up to your ear, you'll scream ''Oscar.'' 

-No, l'm not going. -Gwen'll be there. 

You want to see her? 

-No. lt's too soon. -lt's a year and a half. 

Get it over with. She fell in love with another guy. 

lt happens. 

Never to me, but if it did, l wouldn't hide like some pussy! 

l'm not a pussy. l'm still getting treatment. 

This is serious stuff. My wellness guide won't let me just go. 

-You can go. -You sure? 

You just said l was a flower in a stream, but a branch blocks my way. 

You read too much into my words. Listen to your heart. 

-l'm the flower. l wanna stay. -You're funny. We'll miss you. 

-Don't forget to be grateful. -l'm grateful. 

l'm grateful for the sun. for the stars in the sky-- 

l'd be grateful if we could go. 

-Why don't you wait in the car? -Okay. 

l am the flower. 

l'm the flower. 

-He kills me with his humor. -Does he? 

l want to thank you for all your help. You'll get the car in 1 0 days. 

-Convertible. -Leather interior, fully loaded. 

He'll get through this okay, right? 

Life is a cookie. 

l'll take that as a ''yes.'' 

Okay. All right. 

Come on, Eddie! 

All right, buddy. 

Ready to go? Here we go. 

-Does Gwen know l'm coming? -lt was her idea. 

Absolutely. She's really excited. 

Not in a million years. lf that demented pig is there, no way. 

-Eddie was temporarily insane. -Don't stick up for him. 

-Kiki, look at you. -Hi, Lee. 

-How are you? -Good. 

-You look fabulous. -Thanks. 

-What did you do? ls it your hair? -lt's my hair and a little sun. 

She lost 60 pounds. 

And l lost a little weight. 

l see that. You look terrific. 

Sixty pounds! 

-That's a Backstreet Boy. -Right? 

Are you here to talk to me? 

Of course. l'm sorry. Eddie's not demented. 

lt was a one-time, forgive-and-forget thing. 

He tried to kill me. Am l the only one who remembers that? 

Attempted murder doesn't get attention anymore? 

He was just so in love with you that he flipped out. 

You have this powerful effect on people. 

That's true. You sticking up for him again? 

Whose side am l on? 

Gwen, your dog just swallowed your window-washer. 


Your puppy's a raptor. 

-Prozac time. Excuse me. -She's on Prozac? 

-lf only. The dog. -Oh, the dog. That's not a bad thing. 

-Hey, baby. -Hi, honey. 

Here comes your sweaty big man. 

-You're sweaty. -Who is this? 

l'm Lee, press agent for Time Over Time. 

-l'm not gonna sweep her off her feet. -No, you're too old. 

Hector, honey. 

Be good. 

-l'm sorry. He's Spanish. -No problem. l was Spanish once myself. 

Oh, l need kisses. 

Oh, honey. 

Oh, there you go. 

Oh, yes. Oh, yes. 

For why is he here now? 

He wants me to go to the junket for the movie. 

We could do that. When? 

We won't take up any of your valuable time. 

-l'm not invited? -lt's the studio's decision. 

What do l care about the studio? l don't give a shit. 

l go where Gwen goes. We're a couple. 

We'll go to the junket together. 


You're so beautiful. 

l love you so much. l wanna marry you and make something with our skins. 

We're not going. Eddie'll be there. 

We won't go because of him? Listen. We're going to go... 

...and l'll personally protect you... 

...if that psycho asshole bastard tries to kill you again. 

-We're not going. -Don't argue with me. We're going. 

Everybody wants me to go, but nobody cares what l want! 

-That's not true. -Nobody cares! 

Don't you know the stress l have? Everyone hates me. 

Everyone wants a piece of me. My shrink's out of town. 

l wasn't nominated for a Golden Globe this year! Leave me alone. 


Are you pleased with yourself? 

l can't even enjoy my shower now, Mr. Publicist-piece-of-shit. 

Gwen is totally nuts. 

-Cleared the room. Well done. -Talk to your sister. 

At least she pretends to listen to you. 

-Where is she? -Grazing. 

Nazi bastard. 

Just kidding. 

You need to go to this junket. 

-Why not? -l'm afraid. 


That l'll see Eddie and he'll be a mess. 

l'll feel guilty. And l'm tired of feeling guilty. 

l know. 

l'm always thinking about other people. 

l know you are. 

l hate being the only one who cares about others. 

lf they see Eddie down and sad, they'll pity him and blame me. 

-So what you're worried about is you. -Of course. 

Does everyone hate me, Kiki? 

-No one hates you. -Yes, they do. 

l was in that great store on Melrose. 

There was a baby in a stroller looking at me, and he was judging me. 

The whole world is judging me for what l did to Eddie. 

Look, l'll admit... 

...the Miss Adorable image has been called into question. 

All the more reason to go. 

Smile nice with Eddie for the weekend, win back audience goodwill. 

-You think it would help? -l do. 

l could give Eddie the divorce papers. That's a plus. 

-You sure you're ready to do that? -l'm sure. 

-Why are you still questioning me? -lt's Eddie. 

He'd sing ''Yellow Submarine'' at the top of his lungs to make you laugh... 

...and save the mango in his fruit salad for you. 

Exactly. Eddie. You're just a romantic, Kiki. 

You know nothing about married life. 

You got me there. 

l won't be able to get through this on my own. Can you help me? 

l'll help you. 

These are new pants. 

Good dog. Get the paper. 

Come on. 

Come on. Please. 

-Help. -Don't let me interrupt. 

What happened? 

l'm packing her things because we're going to a junket. 

-Really? Great! You're a great sister. -l'm a great assistant. 

To the left. 

-These are herbal medications. -Okay. 

People wrote l was on Zoloft, but this is holistic. 

-Sure got a lot. -Watch the road, please. 

Bobby? He wants you to pull over. 

-This is Kishtonga root. -Yeah, okay. 

-Why are we stopping? -l was told to. 

So how you doing? 

-Fine. Why? -l gotta hand it to you. 

lf my lady left me for another guy, l'd swallow a gun. l'd get drunk... 

...lay on the tracks and wait for a train. 

Could we please not talk about that? 

You know something? People say l look like you. 

Not that we look alike. But l project you. 

l project the essence of you, like a you-ness. 

-Can you put that partition up? -Yes, sir. 

How you doing? How's it going? 

l was just getting a pep talk from my driver. 

l'm orchestrating the hotel arrival. Should you or Gwen pull up first? 

-Where did you come from, man? -Here. l'm riding with Gwen. 

Gwen's back there? 

Yes. So do you want to arrive first or second? 

-Second. -Be right back. 

-He wants to go second. -Let him. 

-He can go second. -Great. 

Wait. He should go first. 

l don't want to look like his opening act. l want to go second. 

-She wants to go second. -Second it is. 

-She wants to go second. -Fine. Let her. l don't care. 

From behind, she'll see the knife she stuck in my back. 

Thank you. 

-Okay? -Second? We're set. 

-Great. -Who cares? 

-She doesn't care. -Yes, l do. l'm going first. 

-l don't care! Why is this an issue? -l'm just trying-- 

Let's go to the hotel! 

-You're second. -l don't care! l don't care! 

-l don't care! -You're going second. 

You're going second. 

-l don't care. -Okay, thank you. 

That was easy. 

-Why do we have to go second? -Drive the car! 

l'm grateful for the sun. l'm grateful for the moon. 

l'm grateful for the cool... night breeze. 

lt's a happy night for Eddie and Gwen fans. 

A year ago, America's sweethearts went bust in dramatic fashion. 

Here they come now. Hi, Gwen, you look wonderful tonight. 

-Can l get a shot? Look this way! -That's it. 

Gwen, who's a better lover? 

Okay, right this way. 

Eddie, here we go. 

-You look great. -Thank you. 

-What's it like working with Gwen? -l can't remember. 

That was so good. That had to feel good. 

lt was good we went second. Everybody loved you. 

-What is this? -Serenity tea from the Wellness Center. 

l don't know what's in it, but it gets me calm and focused. 

l can't do this! l told you this was a mistake. 

She's very close, right? ln the next room. l feel her. 

No, she's in a cottage in the back. 

l sensed it. She's close. 

The cottages are way back on the property. 

lt's so shocking. You're with somebody. 

You think you'll spend your life-- She has a cottage and l get a suite? 

-She has an entourage. -Me too! 

-You do? -l'm a schizo. l'm my own entourage. 

-Let me move you. -No, it's not important. 

l'm grateful for this suite and minibar. 

-The cottages are probably small. -Actually, they're... 


-Small? -lt's ridiculous. 

-Good. -Want to get room service? 

l'll take some herbs, numb out, have a shower and go to bed alone. 

-You've been great. -What did l do? 

Showed up. That's enough. Rest, l don't want you puffy. 


-Hey, Steve. -What? 

Some guy's whacking it near cottage number 4. 

Oh, that's.... 

That's disgusting. l don't want to deal with this now. 

Every time l get this shift, there's always some sicko. 

l can't catch a break around here. 

Sir, l'm sure things are different in L.A... 

...but in Nevada, we prosecute public masturbation. 

-l've been in Las Vegas-- -l was not--! 

-We saw you on our cameras. -l was pulling out the prickers! 

l'm trying to put out a fire. 

-l fell into a cactus. -He fell into a cactus. 

That's it. Unless you usually arrest those who bump into succulents... 

...l suggest we call it a night. 

We still have to fill out a report-- 

Listen. l'm not supposed to do this, but.... 

l have beautiful bags that are exclusive for the press. 

Got girlfriends? We have real diamond earrings. 

-Beautiful, very tasty. Very delicate. -l saw the bags. 

They're nice. 

Very nice. The highest quality. 

-We don't have to file a report. -Because l didn't do anything, morons! 

Diet pills. Usually he's like a pussycat. 

-All right. -All right? Okay. 

Thank you, guys. 

Fellas, one other thing. l need the tape from the security camera... 

...just in case something gets out, all right? 

Danny will go with you to get the tape, all right? 

Thank you, fellas. Appreciate a lot. 

-Rent-a-cops. You got me on the edge. -What were you doing there? 

l just wanted to see her again. 

l saw her standing by the pool, and she looked so fantastic. 

l just miss her. 

Don't give me that look. l know that look. lt means trouble. 

Calm down. Go to your room, go to bed and stay out of trouble. 

-l wasn't getting in trouble! -No, no. 

-Just whacking off on a cactus. -l wasn't! 

lt looks as ifEddie Thomas... 

...may change his name to ''Peeping'' afteran incident at the Hyatt. 

This tape clearly shows Thomas... the words of one hotel guard, ''doing himselfa big favor''... 

...outside his estranged wife's cottage. 

Oh, my God! 

Oh, my God. 

Thomas is in town fora pressjunket for the new Eddie and Gwen movie. 

Sources say this latest incident is not surprising... 

...given Thomas' delicate mental state since his split with Gwen. 

-Know what the movie's about? -By the looks ofit... 

...we're looking at a remake ofCool Hand Luke. 

lt was on the news! He was outside doing something not good! 

Gwen, everybody does it. 

l know everyone does it. That's not the point. 

What is going on? 

ls he trying to kill me again? 

With the weapon he had in hand, l doubt it. People don't kill at Hyatts. 

Other chains, yes. But the Hyatt, no. 

Get some rest. 

Somebody has to be beautiful tomorrow. 

l know. 

l have to go. 

Good night. 

Eddie, l am so pissed off! l have the tape! They had a copy! 

Bastards. Everybody's got a price. 

Hold on just a second, it's room service. 

No, it's just-- Hold on one second. 

Put it over there. That is beluga, right? Yeah, thanks. 

We're fine. lt's all local. Nothing national. 

They'll issue a retraction tomorrow. You're fine. There's no damage. 

lt's just a little blip. lt's what you said. lt's in the past. 

The beach grass grows toward the sun in the universe you're grateful for. 

You know? Get some rest. 

Someone has to look handsome tomorrow. Okay, Mr. Big Time? 

See you in the morning. 

-Do you like Eddie? -l love him. 

-You leaked the tape. -Survival rule number three: 

You're not here to love. You're here to promote. 

That's it. Period. 

You get word your mother died, hit by a bus or something. 

You go downstairs, shed a tear and say: 

''lt's a shame. She would've loved this movie.'' 

l gotta talk to Eddie. l'm worried about him. 

-You do that. -Go get him for me. 

-Me? -l have to talk to him tonight. 

Or l'll be up all night and look terrible tomorrow. Really puffy. 

l don't think.... 

-l can't. -Why not? 

Because l'm sleeping. And because l just.... 

l feel funny getting in the middle of things with the two of you. 

-Can't you handle this yourself? -What? 

l don't handle anything myself. 

-Why are you being so difficult? -l'm not. 

l'm only asking for a teensy-weensy favor. That's all. 

Please, Kiki. Please. 

Please, please, please, please, Kiki-Kiki-Ki. 


Your pillow's better than mine. 

Take it. 

How are you? 

My marriage is shit and l make crappy films. Otherwise, l'm great. 

l'm sorry. 

-Why's she doing this? -l don't know. 

-l like your movies. -They're shit, come on. 

-What's going on? She say anything? -l'm shocked. l really am shocked. 

-l didn't know. -l'm not perfect... 

...but l thought we had something. She wants me to move out. 

l know. 

He'll sit in my chair, watch my TV... 

...walk my dog, sleep in my bed with my.... 

l don't know what happened. 

Well, it's not you. 

You're a great guy. lf she can't see that, she's blind. 

-You are wonderful. -l don't feel wonderful. 

lt'll be okay. 

l don't think so. 

But thanks for saying that. 

-Thanks for coming. You're sweet. -No, you are. 

No, you are. You're a good friend. 

You're a rock. 

-Come here! -Nice to see you. 

You too. 

-You look good. -Misery agrees with me. 

-You look good too. -Thank you. 

You've been getting healthy. You lifting a little weights? 

Not lifting weights so much as losing weight. 

-You always looked good to me. -Thanks. 

-Want something to drink? -l'm fine. 

Sit down. 

lt's been too long. l saw you last-- 

That night. l feel terrible about that. 

That was the low point. l'd found out about Hector. 

l took advantage of the situation. 

Talk about bottoming out. l was drunk. l think l kissed you. 

Did l? 

-l don't recall. -lf l was inappropriate, forgive me. 

-Sure. Yeah. -Thanks, Keek. 

Are you okay? 

A few hours ago, no. But something incredible happened tonight. 

l was walking by the cottages, and it was like Gwen was drawing me to her. 

l look over this wall. 

There she was, standing by the pool, all dressed in white... an angel in the desert. l thought: 

''That's why you're here. To win her back.'' 

No way she'll stay with Hector. 

l'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with her. 


The woman by the pool? 

-That's why l'm here. -What do you mean? 

-Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm are rocking out. -what? 

Kiki and Eddie left. 

-Why'd you say that? -lt's code. lt's fun! 

l wonder what she wants. 

l don't know what she wants. lt'd be good to know. 

l know what l want. 

Siegfried and Roy are heading for the pool. 

-Siegfried and Roy? -Not the real Siegfried-- 

You wanted to play this game. 

Heads, we stay apart. Tails, we reunite. 

-You need to flip a coin? -Yes. 

Here we go. One, two, three. 

-A possum. -A possible possum. 

Wait, not here. 

Felix, this is Oscar. The monkey is in daycare. 

Your mystery date awaits. 

Wish me luck. 

l'm sorry. l'm so sorry. 

l know you'll never forgive me, but please, please take me back. 

That a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? 

Actually, it's a gun. 

-Hello, Eddie. -Hi, Gwen. 

-l've been so worried about you. -Have you been? 

That happens when your wife shacks up with someone else. 

l'm dealing with my anger. 

l understand. Get that out. Just shake it out. Throw it away. 

-That's great advice. Thank you. -l have no right to ask this-- 

-Ask me what? -When we did the movie... 

...did you fool around? 

You've got no right to ask me that. l wasn't fooling around. 

-The girl who played your daughter? -What's wrong with you? 

-You're very hostile. -l can't imagine why. 

This was a mistake. 

-lt wasn't. -lt was. Tomorrow... 

...let's be professional and promote this movie... 

...because we both need this one to do well. 

l know you do. 

And if they ask about the breakup, we say that it was a difficult time... 

...that we're working through it together. 

-And we're still close, okay? -Fine. 

-Whatever. -Good. 

l have to go. 

-See you tomorrow. -You're not ev--? 

-Here. There you go. -Thanks. 

That's how junkets go. lt's a great opportunity. l can handle-- 

ls this a scene from theirnew movie? 

No, that's Gwen and Eddie dancing in the moonlight forreal. 

-America's sweethearts... -What the hell's going on? a passionate embrace. 

Goddamn it! 

My life is so stressful. People have no idea what it's like being me. 

Did we brush my teeth? 

See? l can't even remember that. 

Good morning, you two. Come on, smile. Here we go. 

Ladies and gentlemen, Eddie and Gwen, together again! 

There they are! America's sweethearts! 

What's this? Only five minutes? 

Mention jerking off, l'll pull your plug. 

lt's plenty of time to talk about a movie l haven't seen. 

Yeah, but it's fabulous. 

Do you need anything? 

-Doesn't she look great? -Who? 

Your sister looks incredible. 

-Are you trying to make me jealous? -Would that be possible? 

Then why care if l try? 

Okay, who's happy? Ready to go? Thanks. Always a pleasure. 

Byron, it's all yours. 

Byron Allen, coming to you from 

Strap yourself in. l'm with America's sweethearts: 

Eddie Thomas and Gwen Harrison. 

Ready for this? They're not trying to kill each other. 

Are you back together? You look very comfortable. 

l'll be honest. Before l came down from the room... 

...l took about a pound of Vicodin. l'll be comfortable till late March. 

You're funny. How do you live with him? 

She doesn't. 

She lives with someone else. 

Must've been exciting working with Hal Weidmann. Were you apprehensive? 

Oh, no. No, Hal's brilliant. 

He's so easy to work with. He loves actors. 

Just loves actors. 

You had a nervous breakdown recently, didn't you? 


Can audiences watch you without recalling your attack on Ms. Harrison? 

That's five minutes. Thank you. 

lt was so great meeting you guys. l'm a huge fan. 


Why does he get a neck-rub? 

-l want one. -He's so tense. 

Hello? l have a neck too. This thing holding up my head. 

And we're back. 

-Everybody ready? -Of course. 

Of course. 

Hello again, Syracuse. Mort Josephson, your Movie Maven. 

Ann Arbor, l'm Laura Messinger, the Cinemaniac. 

-Popcorn's buttered. -Lights dim. 

-lt's Bob.... -And Ken. 

At the Multiplex. 

We're great friends. We talk every day. 

We're better friends than ever. 

We talk two, three times a day. 

We're just cosmically, spiritually bound. Eddie's really good... 

...and he's my pillar of strength. 

lt's like Sodom and Gomorrah. So strong, you know? 

And that's five. 

ln spite of all the emotion and hurt... 

...we leaned on each other for support. 

That's when l realized how strong our friendship really was. 

-We're in constant contact. -Right. 

l mean, not only are we great friends... 

...and not only are we in constant contact-- 

You should see our phone bills. 

We've also done-- 

l don't know, how should l put this? Hell, l'll just say it. 

We've done a few three-ways. This guy she's with now.... 

l can't say l'm happy. She's my wife. 

But after spending time in the sack with him, l see the attraction. 

But for a fairly big guy, he's not packing much south of the border. 

And that's five minutes. Thank you so much. 

Say hi to everybody in Salt Lake. Good to see you. 


-Hi, guys! -Hi, guys. 

-That wasn't funny. -lt was a joke. 

-l do that after 400 interviews. -Hector won't find it funny. 

Guess what? l don't give a shit what he thinks. 

Take a picture with my baby? 

Just smile and shut up. 

-You have given me 1 1 0% today. -Who has? 

You. lt's been a great day. 

-What do you want? -A small favor. 

45 minutes, an hour. 

l need you to have dinner with Gwen. 

-lt'll be great. -l won't do it. 

-You should do this. -l'm gonna be alone with the minibar. 

We're in deep shit. Hal's holding the film hostage. 

We have nothing! Understand? But l do have you. You and Gwen. 

When you're together, the press forgets that. 

lt's roses blooming, flags flying, pudding-- 

-Are you on something? -A panic high. 

Just order an entrée, chew a little bit, smile and go. 

They have delightful pork tenderloin. 8:00. Thank you so much! 

-lt's Gwen's idea. -Really? 


l can't believe you said l'd have dinner. 

They serve a very nice pork tenderloin. 

l'm not going. Here. 

l was with him enough today for the rest of my life. 

-l gotta give him the divorce papers. -When? 

Just before we leave. 

What, toss them at him as your limo pulls away? 

You don't understand. lt's very complicated. 

Being nice makes giving him the papers easier, but then he gets hopeful. 

-ls that your foot? -Sorry. 

Pedicure. Hello? 

-So when you're nice, he thinks-- -l can't talk about it right now. 

lt's so hard being someone people just don't get over. 

-Tell him l have a headache. -l won't lie for you. 

-You lie for me all the time. -Not to him. 

This is high school all over again. 

When you wanted to break up with a boyfriend, l had to do it. 

-You did not. -Oh, please. 

Let's refresh your memory. Robert Mancuta? Kyle Hassler? 

Half the lacrosse team? l was the most hated girl in school. 

That's untrue. 

My quote in the yearbook was, ''Hey, we have to talk.'' l was hated. 


Don't go. 

Eddie will sit there like an idiot, and it'll be all your fault. 


-How are you? -Lee. 

-Where's the film? -What? 

ln its canister, waiting to be shown, to go into history. 

There is no film. 

What have l seen five times that gave me the best feeling ever? 

You'll have a great time. See you later. 

We're dead, we're doomed. Thank you. 

Look at you. You clean up good. 

-Thanks. -What's going on? 

Gwen isn't feeling well, so she won't make it to dinner. 

-She isn't sick. -Not physically. 

-l didn't want you to sit, wondering. -Thanks. Really. 

Wanna join me? Haven't you read the papers? 

l'm unstable. Don't let me be alone. Come on. 

-A few minutes. -Yeah. 

We have an understudy. 

They never make it easy, do they? 

The house phone, please. 

Thank you. 

-Holly Golightly's cottage, please. -Who's that? 

Gwen's code name. From Breakfast at Tiffany's. 

-What's that? -lt's a movie, a great movie. 

-Hepburn? -Right. Katharine. 

Listen to me. 

Don't tell anyone you're in the movie business, okay? Thank you. 

Hello? Hey, Gwen, it's Lee. 

l'm at the restaurant, and guess what? You're not. 

Are you okay? Oh, that's too bad. 

Eddie's with Kiki. She looks unbelievable. 

lt's a bit ''Hello, Young Lovers.'' 

l may have some fires to put out, but that's my problem. 

Have a nice night. Feel better. Okay. Bye. 

Five minutes. 

-You're amazing. -Take notes. 

''This is Larry Flange. 

l'm sitting with the lovely and talented Kiki Harrison. 

You play a lesbian firefighter on an oil rig. 

One word comes to mind: Typecasting. Your thoughts?'' 

You really want my thoughts? 

-Larry. -Larry. 

''Okay, Larry... 

...the truth is... 

...after playing Madame Curie... 

...and discovering radium... 

...l just thought it would be a hoot to strap on those big rubber boots... 

...kiss my favorite gal goodbye and go fight some fire.'' 

-A very personal role for you. -Very close to my heart. 

-That's funny. You're funny. -l am. Yeah. 

Do you remember Silent Run? We rented that go-cart? 

You attacked the director-- 

-There was no attacking. -You rammed him repeatedly. 

-You rammed me. -Ramming you was a different thing. 

And you rammed Gwen. She was not laughing, and we were. 

-She wasn't happy. -She was pissed. 

-That memory kept popping in my head. -Those were good times. 

-l'm sorry l didn't call you. -She's your sister. l understand. 

But you're my friend. l let myself get kind of-- 

-lt's good to see you now. -lt's good to see you now. 

That's a nice necklace. 

-lt's not really mine. -l know. 

-lt's Gwen's. -l know. 

-She gave it to me. -And l gave it to her. 

l know. 

-lt looks good on you, though. -Thank you. 

What are you thinking? 

l'm thinking something l shouldn't be thinking about. 

-Me too. What were you thinking about? -How much l want that breadstick. 

You want to eat this? 

No, l don't eat bread. l just dream about bread. 

l've been doing a lot of dream analysis since l cracked up-- 

-At the center. -At the center. And l believe... 

...bread represents something you want but can't have. What do you think? 

Well, l think that when l dream about bread... 

...that would represent... 


Pretty much. 

What are you thinking about? 

Gwen... here. 

Sorry l'm late. 

-Thought you were ill. -All better. Just like that. 

-Thanks. You can go. -She doesn't have to go. 

-Stay. -Good to see you. 

-l need mouthwash. -Right away. 


l hear they have great pork tenderloin. 

-She didn't have to go. -Thank you. You look great too. 

-Excuse me. ls Holly Golightly here? -What's the name? 

-What's he doing here? -l'll get rid of him. 

Get a camera. Film, tape, anything. Go! 

lt's Gwen Harrison. 

-Lee. We met the other day. -Where is Gwen? 

-l want to see her. -l won't get involved. 

How do we stop people in love? 

What are you talking about? l want to see her now. 

l can't cover for them anymore. They're in the restaurant. 

They're right over there. She's in the red dress. 

-Hi. -Hector! 


-That's all right. -Hi, Gene. 

-Don't wave at him like that. -l promote my movies. 

-l know. -lt's part of the biz. 

l apologize. 

-l'm sorry. -Hector. 

-l apologize for him too. -He's here. 

For why are you sitting with him? 

Get in. Would you get out of the way? 

Good. Get that side. Let's go. 

-What are you doing? -Protecting the woman l love. 

-l'll let you two catch up. -Why don't you be quiet! 

-l'll get to you soon. -Don't point. 

Don't tell me what to do. 

-Don't you trust me? -l trust you implicitly. 

lt's this asshole l don't trust! 

What? What did you say? 

l hope he's not making fun of my accent. 

Okay, enough! You guys enjoy your little public display! 

l'm leaving. 

Okay, pussy boy's leaving. 

What's wrong? You don't like that? 

Maybe you want to take a swing at me? 

Tall boy. Come on. 

What are you--? 

-What is that? -Let's go. Please, make my day. 

You're a genius, beyond my wildest expectations. 

Tracking's up. Spielberg's moved off our date. 

This is good! Hit him! Hit him! 

-Who? -Anybody. 

-l won't fight! -You're a pussy boy. 

-l'm trying to find some peace. -You want peace? Okay, he wants peace. 

-Pussy boy's leaving. -Don't do that. 

-Hector, don't. -Don't tell me ''don't.'' 

Maybe you want a piece of me. 

You see? 

Huh, pussy? 

l really don't think there should be a problem here. After all... took my wife and l tried to kill you. We're even. 

You crumpled duck! 

Oh! Dear me! 

Go away! 

Punk! You hungry? Eat this, punk! Eat it! 

Are you hungry?! 

l love your work. 

You forgot something. 

-Did you see him go down? -Shut up. 

-Why'd you have to do that? -l didn't have to. l wanted to. 

-Just deal with it. ln there. -lt was my pleasure. 

Did you see that? 

-Are you okay? -Everybody back, please. 

Eddie! Are you okay? 

l can feel my nose in the back of my throat. ls that bad? 

Can you hear me? 

-Let's all just step back. -Some ice, please. 

l swear to God, Gwen can be just horrible. 

How can you love someone and not like them at the same time? Seems strange. 

-You need to lie down. -l thought l was. 

Why don't we try sitting down? There we go. 

Let me have a look. 

-lt doesn't look good. -No? 


-What happened? -l needed another humiliating photo op. 

l tried to walk away, but he kept pushing. 

So l hit him in the tray with my face. l should've walked away. 

For some reason, these days, l do the stupid thing. 

This doesn't look good. 

-What was that? -Another stupid thing. 

Stupid and maybe verging on crazy or...? 

lt's a fine.... 

There he is. The master! 

l'll have what he's having. 

l have to say, you have completely outdone yourself. 

ln 24 hours, we've had a walk in the woods... 

...a romantic dinner and a fistfight. 

l can't wait to see what happens next. 

Maybe l can get him to commit suicide. You like that? 

Let me think about it. 

lt won't help initial release but video will go like crazy. 

-We could do a box like a coffin. -Yeah. That's good. No, wait. 

lmagine if he killed himself at the premiere. 

l'm joking. l'm thinking out loud or whatever. 

-Good night, Dave. -Good night, Lee. 

Good work! 

Good morning. 

How do you feel? 

l feel-- l feel-- 

l feel good. l mean, l feel weird, but l feel good. 

-You? -l feel something along those lines. 

Good, weird. Weird, good. 

Here's what l was thinking. What about breakfast? 

We'll take it from there. 

Why don't you order some breakfast? l'll brush my teeth first. 

-Can l use your toothbrush? -Yeah, it's in there. 

Can l get some juice? 

Keek? Hello? 

Where are you? 

Want some toast? 

You buttered my toast. 

No one's done that before. 

l don't eat toast with butter-- l don't eat toast. 

l'll stop talking now and make an exception. 

Want some tea? 

lt's hot. 

-Here. Okay. -Thank you. 

No, l'm fine. l look like half a raccoon. What's up? 

Now's not a good time. Can we do it later? 

No, don't come here. l'll come there. 


That was Gwen. 

-She wants to talk. -About what? 

l don't know, she didn't say. But l better... 

-...go over there. -Why didn't you say you'd talk later? 

She said she'd come here, and l thought... 

...that's not a good idea so l better go over there, given the situation. 

-Will you tell her about last night? -l don't know. l'll just let her talk. 

Know what l mean? 

Sounds like it's important so l'll let her say it. 

Then l'll go do these dumb interviews. 

l'll come back and we'll lunch together. Does that sound good? 

You look terrible. 

-Does it hurt? -Only when l'm awake. 

-He's not here. -Who? 

-Hector. -That doesn't matter. ls Kiki here? 

l doubt it. 

-l don't know where that girl is. -That girl is here. 

Nice of you to join us. Where have you been? 

Got up early. Things to do. Nothing important. 

Would you make scrambled eggs? She makes great scrambled eggs. 

-l remember. -Would you like some? 

-Two orders. Make mine runny. -Let's get room service. 

lt would be my pleasure. 

What did you want to talk about? 

l think you're doing pretty well, huh? 

-Are you feeling okay? -Yeah, l'm better. 

l'm shocking myself. 

''l forgot how charming you were.'' 

''You, Miss Julep, are a warm breeze on a cool afternoon.'' 

What was that? 

''what was that?'' 

-What movie was that? -l don't know. 

What was that movie called? 

l don't give a shit! 

-No, that wasn't it. -You look like you're in a good place. 

When l saw you and Hector, l was so conflicted. 

Conflicted is the word du jour. There's no question about that. 

You know what that is? She's tired. 

-You seeing anybody? -Excuse me? 

-Are you seeing anybody? -Let me think about it. 


You know.... 

-Not technically, no. -What? 

Not technically! 

That's fascinating. ''Not technically.'' 

That's sad. Really, that's a shame. 

Your eggs, darling sister. l hope they're runny enough. 

And you! Son of a bitch! Here are your eggs! There you go! 

-What's wrong? -A lot, actually. 

l can't believe it's taken so long to figure out. 

l'm going for a long walk to simmer down. 

First, l'd like to cut through the shit. 

He's not technically dating because he's technically hung up on you. 

And you! You moron! 

She's only here to salvage her precious career... 

...and serve you with divorce papers. 

l've done all l can do. l'm going for a walk. 

Leaving is just something l've really perfected, so... 

...once more, with feeling. 

-She was more fun when she was fat. -ls that true? 

-What? -About the papers. 

Yes, but now l don't know. 

Seeing you, being in front of the press with you-- We have something. 

Maybe l've made a horrible, horrible mistake. 

Maybe l should give you the papers. l don't know. 

You're the devil. 

-l want to talk. Hold on a minute. -Let go of me. 

-l want to talk. -l don't! 

-Why not? -You're an idiot. l'm an idiot too! 

ln that respect, we belong together. 

-lt's a complicated situation. -l'll un-complicate it! 

Forget about what happened between us. lt's not gonna work, all right? 

Last night? Last night was great. 

But she calls you, and you can't wait to get to her! 

What is that? lt won't work. You'll probably always think of her... 

...and l'll probably always wonder if you're thinking of her. 

l just-- 

-l need you to know one thing. -What? 

That woman that you saw by the pool-- 

That woman you just have to spend the rest of your life with.... 

That was me. 

-Good morning. -Morning. 

So here's the buffet. 

What's going on? 

Nothing. l'm great. 

Just great. Ma'am, can l get some more butter? 

When you hit Formica, stop. 

You know the expression ''falling off the wagon''? 

But you got 30 pounds of food to break your fall. 

-What the hell happened? -Bad morning. Preceded by 33 bad years. 

-Does this have to do with Gwen? -Of course not. 

l love my sister. l love everything about her. 

''Kiki? Kiki-kins? 

Who's smoking? l smell smoke. 

ls someone smoking within a six-mile radius of me? Stop them, Kiki.'' 

Oh, ma'am, the butter? There's no butter? How can you run out? 

-l have one theory. -l need an assistant. 

lf l had one, she'd be outside milking a cow... 

...and l'd never run out of butter. 

''My butter has touched another food. l need new butter.'' 

''Anything you want.'' That's how it goes. 

You know. Anything they want, right? 

She's got a green dress. Looks like crap on her. 

Brings out the bags under her eyes. She gave it to me. lt looks nice. 

Then she said she wanted it back. 

She doesn't want me to have it. 

So you're in love with Eddie? 

-Wouldn't that be stupid? -l've done every one of their movies. 

He never looks at her the way he looks at you. 

lf you're in love, just go for it. The way you went for this breakfast. 

Not the way you went for the breakfast. That's-- 

l think l'm gonna be sick. Can you just.... 

l'll take all of this to go. l'll need 30 bags and a forklift. 

No laugh, no tip. 

l want to play someone like the Terminator. 

l think the Hispanic people are crying out to see... 

...a deadly, destructive killing machine they can embrace. 

-That they can relate to. -Nice to see you. 

How are you? Hal here yet? He's a dead man. No, l'm serious. 

l know a guy. l'll make a call, and he's dead, because.... 

How are you? Hope you're having a good time. 

-What time is it? -1 2:50. 

We're doomed. 

May l suggest that you follow my lead and get completely shitfaced? 

-Hi, how are you? You look gorgeous. -Hi, Mr. K. Thank you. 

How long must l stay with the people? They're drunk and touching me. 

Wait. lf Hal doesn't bring the film, they'll be busy building a gallows. 

l don't think that's funny. 

ls that pussy boy? 

-He's gonna jump. -He's not. 

-l said l'd give him divorce papers. -Shit, he's gonna jump! 

-Excuse me. -Please. 

-l'll do something. -Get him! 

Let's take advantage of this. Get some shots. 

-Shut up. -All right, yeah. Okay. 

-Jump, jump. -Jump, pussy, jump. 

-Jump, pussy, jump. -l can't believe this. 

-He'll be a pussy pancake. -l'm coming! 

Why's he doing this to me? 

-l'm sorry! You okay? -What are you doing? 

-l was stopping you from jumping! -By killing me?! 

-Stay right there! -Where am l gonna go? 


Oh, shit. Hang in there, Eddie! 

l'm coming! 

-Okay. -You're hosing me down? 

l'll throw it, and you catch it. One, two, three. 

Pull yourself up. l got you. Come on. 

Got it? Good. 

Oh, my God! 

Pussy boy'll go splat. 

-Got it? -Yeah. 

That's it. One foot at a time. 

-Okay. -l'm gonna kill you. 

Take a bow. lt'll look better. 

Jesus Christ. 

Next time, take a hair dryer into the tub. 

-l wasn't killing myself. -Then what? 

l came here to think. ls that a crime? 

Do that in your room! 

l blew it. 

l lost her. 

Guy goes to his rabbi. 

He says, ''Rabbi, my wife is trying to poison me.'' 

Rabbi says, ''l'll talk to her.'' 

He comes back and says, ''l spoke to your wife for three hours. 

Take the poison.'' 

-You get it? You and Gwen are over. -l don't care about Gwen! 

-l'm talking about Kiki. -Kiki? 

She's the only one worth spending any time with in this hellhole. 

No offense. You have some nice qualities. 

But for a review, you'd sell me for medicine. 

-Don't let her get away. -Too late. 

No, it's not. Trust me. l'm telling you-- 

-That's Hal! -lt is? 

He's here with the film! We're saved! 

-We're beyond saving. -You wanna see the film? 

-l don't care. -This could put you back on top. 

-You think? On top? -''May l have the envelope, please?'' 

Hal! lt's Hal. Hal! 

-He's got the film. Go, go. -He's the director. 

-He looks good. -He looks great. 

Let's get started. l'm Lee Phillips. Welcome to Time Over Time. 

Thank you. 

l'll go out on a ledge here and say.... 

l couldn't help myself. 

Welcome the man responsible for this junket, Dave Kingman. 

Thank you very much. 

They say that good things come to those who wait. 

l waited 20 years to work with the great Hal Weidmann. 

-Hal's cinematic influence has been-- -That's good. Thank you. 

Thank you. 

My name is Hal Weidmann. Hello. 

Ladies and gentlemen... 

...this is the most honest movie l have ever made. 

l wasn't looking for it. lt came to me like a bus in the street. 

Or the woman who changes the flowers at our desert house. 

l can't talk about this film without weeping. Roll it. 

Thank you, Hal. Have a great time, everybody! 

Sarah. l'm Ben. we must speak. 

-who are you? -That's unimportant. 

what's important now is yoursafety. You're in danger. 

This is hard to say, so l'lljust say it. 

-l'm from the future. -Oh, my God! 

-You look beautiful. -Thank you. 

Come with me now. Now, Sarah, please. 

Love is a bridge built between two people. 

we want what exists between them to be real. 

My name is Hal weidmann. 

The film you're about to see is Time Over Time, oris it? 

The details are unimportant. Simplyput... 

...the script was shit. l tossed it. 

-l let my camera capture real life. -Just watch. 

l filmed my actors without theirknowledge. 

l let the camera run after takes. l placed hidden cameras around. 

And the end result is a story... 

...farmore involving than anything manufactured by actors and writers. 

This is real life. 


The stink. 

The glory. 

Often, you wonder where the budget goes. 

Shut up! 

lt's gonna be good. 

l don't mean to pressure you, but we're 15 days over. 

-Oh, no. -what are we gonna do? 

l'm in the middle ofshooting. lt's a sensitive time. Do me a favor. 

Go away. Please. Never visit my set again. 

Watch him take it... 

...up the gazoo. 

You're an idiot. l told you we nevershould've hired him. 

You're so good in this. 


-Hal, can l get like three minutes? -Three minutes. 

-Gwen, can l talk to you? -l'm working. 

-what's going on? -Nothing. 

-His hands are all overyourass. -My character would've done that. 

-You look like a prostitute! -Oh, please. 

-Don't make a fool ofme. -Cut it out. 

l'm watching you every minute. You hearme? 

-Cut it out. -Do you hearme?! 

-l think Eddie knows. -Knows what? 

About me and Hector. 

-You said nothing was happening. -well, something happened. 

You see thatzit? 

-What the hell is this? -You think l know? 

You bastard! 

-You see it? -l'll get something. 

-l slept with him. -Hector?. 

-Are you in love? -Come on. 

lt's not always about love. Sometimes youjust need a lay. 

l tell you, he's hot. 

Handsome. He can go forhours. 

Just wish he had a bigger, you know, thingy. 

l love this movie. 

what do you mean? 

lt's like a roll of quarters. lt's like this. 

-well, maybe like this. -Okay. l know too much. 

l'm gonna scream. 

-l think it's very entertaining. -Lee, get over here! 

You stop this right now. l'll sue the studio. 

-Lower your voice. -Shut up. 

-Cut the film. -Excuse me. Was that deserved? 

l think so. You've ruined me. You've ruined my career. 

Look at the screen. Don't you realize what that is? 

That's reinvention. That's birth. 

That's life itself. Can't you smell the life? 

Pretty soon you'll smell lra Stern, my attorney! 

-Thank you, Hal. -Wacko. 

The film's new direction caught some of us a little bit off-guard. 

-l am shocked. l'm outraged. -There are textures! 

Can l say something, please? 

What was said about my penis is completely false. 

l'm extremely well-hung. l'll submit to an inspection. 

l knew this film would be misunderstood. 

Kubrick was misunderstood. Godard. 

l'll kick your ass! Understand that! 

-Who are you? -Who am l? 

-l'm your ass-kicker! -Can l defend my dad? 

No. Who's her dad? 

-Hal. -No, you cannot! 

Let me defend Hector. We had sex. 

His penis is bigger than a roll of quarters. 

-You slept with her? -No. 

-You slept with her? -l swear she's lying. 

The part about my penis is true. lt's bigger than coins. 

There will be a lawsuit. lnvasion of privacy, damage to my career! 

Yes, yes, l know. 

Congratulations. lt's my most honest work. 

-l'll work with you. -l got a script. 

-You're great. -l'll send it. 

l have an announcement to make. l'd like to thank you all. 

l'm so happy you're here and all our friends in the press... 

...who've been so supportive this last year. l'm so happy to say... 

...that Eddie and l are getting back together. 

So thank you all so much. 

-What is this bullshit now? -Be quiet. 

This is bullshit. Bullshit! 

Today, Eddie came to the cottage. 

We had breakfast and a heartfelt talk, didn't we, honey? 

l've wanted to get back together with Gwen... 

...ever since we weren't together anymore. l've obsessed about it. 

-How sweet. -Now that it's happened, l must say... 

...l'm amazed and grateful. And l agree with Hector that it's bullshit. 

Thank you very much! 

-We talked about this. -No. 

-We did. Don't you love me? -We did not. 

l love the bright, sexy woman up on-screen. 

-He loves me. -The movie girl. 

That's not you. You're good at pretending to be real. 

l think l'm with the real you, but l'm not. 

l'm with the real you, not the movie you. l don't want that. 

-Why? -l just explained it. 

-You did? -l don't want to talk. 

-Not in front of these-- -Why not? 

What could l have to say to you that l don't have to say... front of 300 international press members. 

l'll tell you why. l'm in love with your sister. 

ls this some kind ofjoke? 

Kiki, could you get over here? 

-Why her? -Oh, why not? 

ls it so unbelievable that a man could love me? 

-Not now. -Now is the time. 

-You just wait for me! -Can l say something? 

-Yes. -No! 

Listen. Okay, one nut at a time. 

You're my sister. l love you. 

You should know nothing happened between me and Eddie until last night. 

l feel much better about you stealing my husband. 

Ex-husband. l didn't steal anything. 

You're the one shacked up for the past year with Ricky Ricardo. 

Look, l am just tired of making excuses. 

l am done picking up dirty clothes. l am done pretending... 

...that your life is my whole life. 

l'm just.... l'm done. 

So what you're really worried about is you, right? 

Well, l guess you're fired. 


You know all l care about is your happiness. 

That's sweet-- 

So don't worry about me. l'll be fine. 

-You're unbelievable. -Shut up. 

Next? What can l do for you? 

l shouldn't have said that in front of everybody, but-- 

l've been searching for clarity. 

All of a sudden l am so clear, it's ridiculous. 

-l want to be with you. -When did you decide this? 

The moment l thought l'd lost you. 

-Damn it. -What? 

That was.... That was good. 

No. No, this is crazy. Eddie, this isn't gonna work. 

Listen to me. 

l'm grateful for you. 

ln all the world, the thing l'm most grateful for is you. 

-lf that's a line from your movie-- -That one's mine. 

-What do we do now? -Traditionally... 

...we kiss. 

Give her some room. Thank you. Step back, please. 

Easy, easy. 

l'm on pain medication... 

...that makes me say things l'd never say otherwise. 

To set the record perfectly straight... 

...Eddie and l never had any plans to reconcile. 


And Hector is very well-endowed. 

Almost too well-endowed. l've had complaints. Literally. 

-What are you doing? -Packing. 

-Let me help you with that. -That's okay. 

That's-- No, really-- Folding! 

Let somebody help you for once. 

There you are. 

That was unbelievable. 

Like a movie with a stage show. 

lf you'd tour with the film, we'd be rich. 

And your sister is unbelievable. 

The entire country has voted her off the island but, no! She's back! 

l've never seen anything like it. 

They like the film! They call it The BlairBitch Projecf!. 

But the best news is you two. Want a drink? 

-We're on our way out. -Where? 

We don't know. 

Once in a while, good things happen. l'll see you. 

There's a car, so you can dodge the press. 

But l'll need you! We got work to do! This one will work! 

Hi. Can l explain why l didn't call? 




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