Anything Else Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Anything Else script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Woody Allen movie starring Christina Ricci.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Anything Else. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Anything Else Script



You'd be



So easy to love



So easy to Idollze



All others above



So worth the yearnlng for



So swell to keep

Every home flre burnlng for



We'd be



So grand at the game



So carefree together

That It



Does seem a shame



That you can't see



Your future wlth me



'Cause you'd be

Oh-so-easy to love



There's great wisdom in jokes, Falk, really.



There's an old joke

about a prizefighter in the ring.



He's getting his brains beat out.



And his mother's in the audience,

and she's watching him getting beaten up.



There's a priest next to her

and she says, 'Father, pray for him.'



And the priest says, 'I will,

but if he could punch, it would help.'



There's more insight in thatjoke,



into what I call the Giant So What



than most books on philosophy.






Camus said that women are all

that we're ever going to know



of paradise on earth.



In your case, Falk,

there is a seminal joke



that Henny Youngman used to tell

that I think is perfect.



It sums it up perfectly

as far as you go.



Guy comes into a doctor's office.



He says, 'Doc, it hurts when I do this.'



The doctor says, 'Don't do it.'



Think about that.



That's Davld Dobel,

and I'm Jerry Falk.



We spent many afternoons walklng

and talklng In the park.



Dld I know when I flrst met hlm

how nuts he was?



We met at the office of some so-called

intellectual comedian's agent.



We were comedy writers trying

to break into the business



by writing nightclub routines for comics.



The difference was,

I was    and he was   .



He wants truisms.

Notjustjokes. Truisms.



We can't afford the crazy prices

for the more established...



Let me say this, if I may.



I can't speak for David Dobel

because I don't handle him.



In fact, Jerry and I just met him now.



But I've handled Jerry Falk

since he began, and with Jerry Falk,



you get top-quality goods for your money.



You can buy a suit and get

the same cut in a cheap fabric



as you can in an expensive fabric.

Jerry gives you affordable fabric,



a quality fabric, at affordable prices.

Is this gabardine?



Who is that piece goods salesman

who handles you?



Harvey? Don't ask.

My cross to bear.



I'd love to dump him,

but I'm his only client.



You pay that troll

ten percent of your salary?



  . Actually,   .

It's a long story.



He was there for me

when my marriage broke up.



Your... don't tell me

you got married young.



You thought it would be exciting.

It turned out to be hebetudinous



and you dumped her.

Am I right?



You are not. She left me.

I can't leave anybody.



It's my main problem in analysis.

I'm afraid to sleep alone. 'Hebetudinous?'



- You're in analysis already?

- Yes. Very committed, actually.



I turned down some TV jobs

in Los Angeles



because my shrink felt

we weren't finished yet.



You chose psychoanalysis over real life?



Are you learning disabled?



Obviously, you're not familiar

with analysis.



Wrong. I'm completely familiar with it.



Similar hustlers tried to fob it

off on me at Payne Whitney.



- You were in Payne Whitney?

- That's right. A nuthouse.



I was in the psycho ward

for six months,



a vacation I don't look back on

with great nostalgia.







You don't have to move away.



Oh, no. I'm not suggesting

you were violent.



But I was violent.

That's why they put you in a straitjacket.



You were in a straitjacket?



I'm not going to take an ax

and split your head open.



- Don't be scared.

- I'm just surprised.



What happened?

Why were you there?



I broke up with this girl,



and they put me

with a psychiatrist who said,



'Why did you get so depressed,



'and do all those things you did?'

I said, 'I wanted this girl and she left me.'



And he said,

'Well, we have to look into that.'



And I said, 'There's nothing to look into!

I wanted her and she left me.'



And he said, 'Well, why are you feeling

so intense?'



And I said, 'Cause I want the girl!'

And he said, 'What's underneath it?'



And I said, 'Nothing!'



He said, 'I'll have to

give you medication.'



I said, 'I don't want medication!

I want the girl!'



And he said,

'We have to work this through.'



So, I took a fire extinguisher

from the casement



and struck him across

the back of his neck.



And before I knew it,

guys from Con Ed



had jumper cables in my head

and the rest was...



Why are you in analysis?



You're afraid to sleep alone.

What else?



Fear of death.



That's funny. I have that, too!

My dog has it.



It's very common to living creatures.



And I have rough patches

with my girlfriend.



- You have a girlfriend?

- I am deeply in love.






Yes, with the most beautiful,

charming, sexy...



- But there are rough patches.

- We'll get through them.



But there are painful conflicts.



She can be difficult.

But you'd love her. She's a knockout.



- A knockout, but impossible.

- I never said impossible.



- You did!

- Difficult. She can be difficult.



Now she's difficult.

Soon, she'll be impossible.



She's very supportive of my goals.

What are these goals?



I want to write a novel.



A novel about man's fate

in the empty universe.



No god, no hope, just human suffering

and loneliness.



Stick to jokes, that's where the money is.

Want a lift?



No, I'm okay.

I'm meeting my girlfriend.



Today is our anniversary.



You know, maybe next week,

if you'd like,



we could drive out to watch

that intellectual comedian



parade his amphigories for us.



Sure. That'd be great.



It's funny. I was once in a cab...

this was years ago.



And I was pouring my heart out

to the driver



about all the stuff

you were prattling on about...



life, death, the empty universe,



the meaning of existence,

human suffering.



And the cab driver said to me:



'You know, it's like anything else.'



Think about that.



He was a teacher who lived on

Roosevelt Island. Public school.



Too frightened to quit

and write comedy full-time because,



as he said,

he knew what it was to starve.







Meanwhile, I'm on my way

to meet Amanda.



I'll be on time, she'll be late.



She's late, she's disorganized.



Incidentally, that's not our big problem.



She drives me crazy,

but wait till you meet her.



She is adorable!



- Jerry!

- Amanda! Hey!



- Am I late?

- Not if we go by Rocky Mountain time.



Can you pay for the cab?

I forgot my wallet.



Pay for the cab?

Are you getting the picture?



You know, we did say  :  .






It was pretty tough to get a reservation.



- What's the matter?

- I'm in a bad mood.



- I can see. Why?

- I did terribly at an audition today.



You always think you did badly.



I felt so confident until I got up to read,

then I completely froze.



Don't obsess.

I'm sure it wasn't that bad.



I'm my own worst enemy.

I could play that part in my sleep.



I know you can.

Just calm down.



We'll go have a good dinner.

We'll have wine, you can relax.



I got to tell you about this character I met.

He's fascinating.



Don't be mad at me, but I ate.



You ate?



I was starving when I got back

from the audition,



so I had a little sliver

of that Sara Lee cheesecake.



Then I had another one.

You know what I'm like when I get started.



Pretty soon, I'd eaten the whole cake.



You ate the whole

Sara Lee cheesecake?



Then I figured, what the hell!

I finished the spaghetti in the refrigerator,



ate that last lobster tail

and heated up a chicken pot pie.



Is there any furniture

left in the house?



I'm so fat, it's disgusting.



How could you eat before dinner?



I'm sorry. I was so angry at myself

for screwing up.



I couldn't help it.



I reserved a corner booth.



It's okay. You can order and I'll get

a club soda. I'm dieting anyway.



I can't take their best booth

with just one of us eating.



It's not nice.



- It's fine.

- No, it's not.



It's dinner hour.

The restaurant's jam-packed.



How does it look?



Why do you always care

what other people think?



It's embarrassing

ifjust one of us eats.



Okay. I'll order a meal

and I just won't eat it.



I can't do that.



So order me a steak,

I'll get a doggie bag,



and it'll be my insomnia snack.



What kind of anniversary dinner is that?



'Can I have one dinner, and can you

put a steak in a doggie bag?'



I thought we'd sit over some wine



and I'd look in your eyes and

tell you how beautiful you are.



I'm not beautiful. I'm fat.



Okay, I'll cancel the reservation.



Let's go home. I'll make myself

some eggs or something.



There are no more eggs.

I ate them.



What are you doing?



I made myself a sandwich.

There were some cans of tuna left.



Thank God she hasn't learned how to use

the new electric can opener yet.



My mother's moving in with us.



- What?

- I'm so angry at her.



Wait a minute.

Did I miss something?



She left her boyfriend.



What happened?

I thought she was finally settled.



What happened is she's Madame Bovary.



She's married to a Park Avenue doctor

and that's too dull for her.



Then there's Tom,

the money market maven,



and Perry, the travel agent guy.

But, no, she wants more.



More? More what?



I'm sure she doesn't know.

More fantasies.



Her youth back.



She wants to 'fulfill her life

before it's too late.'



- Those are her words.

- Why is she coming here?



She has no money.

She has nowhere else to go.



Amanda, we have no room.

There's no room here.



I figured we'll put a bed in the office.



In the office, Amanda?

That's where I write.



That's where I create.

My whole world is in there.



You can create in the living room.



In the...? No, Amanda.

Everything is in there, okay?



That's my space.

It's where I write.



All of my rituals

revolve around my space.



- I can't...

- She's my mother.



- She's not staying in a shelter.

- Why didn't you tell me earlier?



- I didn't want to ruin your dinner.

- My anniversary tuna fish sandwich?



You're making matters worse, okay?

You're giving me a migraine.






I'll only be a minute.

When I left you, I ran into Danny Wax.



He said the baby-sitter routine

you wrote for him is not working.



There are no laughs.

Not one laugh in that routine.



People are sitting with stone faces.



The routine is fine.

The guy's just in the wrong profession.



That's what I told him. I said, 'Danny,

you've been around for a long time.



'You think there's a reason

you never made it?'



No tact.

None. None.



I said to him, 'Danny, a man buys a suit.



'He says he's happy with it.



'Then he sees another suit.



Suddenly he doesn't want

the suit he's got!



'He wants a new suit.

He's not happy with the old one.'



Right, yeah.

Listen, I'm a little busy now.



Can I ring you back?



I was up to NBC.

There is nothing doing up there.



Not right now.

Things being equal, they'll change.



Right now they're not equal.

I'd like to have lunch with you this week.



I need a business thing done.

We have to talk.



I got a business thing to discuss.



What kind of business?

What do you mean?



There's nothing to get anxious about.

It's about the future.






Jerry, do you think I'm fat?



I think you're amazing-looking.



You're just used to the losers

you dated before me.



Losers? Not all of them were losers.



What is behind your back?

Something for me?



- This is for you. Happy anniversary.

- Happy anniversary.



You have to forgive the wrapping.



I lost my temper

when I couldn't get it even.



I can tell. Not exactly a work of art,

but I forgive you.



Open, open.



- I think I know what these are.

- Do you?



These are the earrings from downtown!



I couldn't not get them for you.



You look so good

in those kind of earrings.



Do I?




Absolutely beautiful.



- Thank you.

- You like them?



You're the only one I've ever dated

who's known exactly what to get me.



It's because you have

a special vision of me.



'No Exit' and 'The Flies.'

Jean Paul Sartre.



That's amazing. Thank you.



It was between that and O'Neill.



I couldn't decide whose

nihilistic pessimism made you happier.



I think it was Tennessee Williams



who said that the opposite of death

is desire.



And I desired you

from the first moment we met.



I could live down here.

It's so beautiful.



It is. It's very pretty.

I don't know about living down here.



I like to visit, but I like to go home

to the Upper East Side.



You wouldn't consider it?

After we get married, move to the Village.



Why is marriage so important?

I just got out of a marriage.



Just because we get

a signed piece of paper?



You moved in with me.

We're a couple, right?



Yes, we moved in together.

We've been dating over a year now.



I guess I'm old-fashioned.



I know. All your girlfriends

are getting married...



- Falk, what's up?

- Bob, how are you?



Bob, this is Brooke.

Brooke, Bob Stiles.



- How's it going?

- Falk and Brooke.



This is Amanda.

This is Falk.



This is Brooke.



So, what are you guys doing down here?



She just bought her dad

a ridiculous birthday present.



You think it's ridiculous.

I think it's great.



Let them see it.

Maybe I'm wrong.



- Oh, that's a...

- A turn-of-the century stereopticon.



You knew that.



Wait. It's complete

with pornographic slides.



- Isn't it wonderful?

- I think it's brilliant.



Just what he needs,

antique pornography.



I always thought you had

a little yen for your dad.



Ha ha.



Hey! We're going to a great

Indian restaurant tomorrow night.



We want to invite you.

I've hyped you to Amanda.



- You can only disappoint.

- That sounds great.



- Are we busy tomorrow night?

- We're taking my parents out.



But that was tentative, I thought.



- You hate Indian food.

- 'Hate.' That's a strong word.



I've wanted to give it a second chance



since I realized how much you...

she loves tandoori chicken.



- Come on. It'll be fun.

- I should give it another shot.



What I love about Bogart

is that he's so intensely urban.



The cigarette,

the five o'clock shadow.



Always in some seedy nightclub.



Didn't I say that exact same thing

about Frank Sinatra? Urban.



Exactly. I even used the term.




Where did you go to school?



Ethical culture. Fieldston.

Brandeis. But I dropped out.



One of her professors

fell in love with her.



It was terrible.

He was married.



It was way too much pressure

for all of us. His poor wife!



In addition to acting,

she's a very good singer.



I try to sing, but then I hear someone

like Billie Holiday, and forget about it!



She's your favorite!



But you can't listen to the CD's, right?

They sterilize the sound.



Didn't I say that?

I absolutely agree with you.



It totally sterilizes...

that's so funny.



Actually, someone told me

about this seedy record store



that has all of her old recordings

on   s and   s.



I'd love to know about it.

She is amazing.



It's early.

Let's go to the Village Vanguard.



Diana Krall is playing.

It should be a great show.



I'll get so discouraged,

but I am dying to see her.



- Great.

- You get up so early to write.



Yeah, but I did most of my stuff

for tomorrow, so...



- Should we? What do you...

- Yeah, sure.



Hide your heart from sight



Lock your dreams at night



It could happen to you



Don't count stars

Or you might stumble



Someone drops a sigh



And down you tumble



Keep an eye on spring



Run when church bells ring



It could happen to you



She's so moving.



I agree. She's totally moving.




You've captured her.



What was I saying?



I'd love to take one of those boats

down the Amazon.



It's supposed to be so beautiful.



Not tonight?



Of course not tonight.

I was... that's funny.



But how thrilling that would be.

That would be so thrilling.



You hate heat.

You hate mosquitoes.



I hate malaria. It's malaria, remember?

I don't hate all mosquitoes.



I want to see the parrots

and the giant butterflies.



I've seen pictures in National Geographic.

They're gorgeous!



Giant, huge...

And wild monkeys would be...




How much have you had to drink?



Do you like snakes?



Do I like snakes?



Some people get queasy around them,

but I think they're beautiful.



The way they move...

it's so sensual.



So sen... I love snakes.

Cobras, for example.



- Pythons.

- Naturally. Pythons.



Garters. Rattlesnakes.

I love them all.



- I cannot believe I'm hearing this.

- Oh, please.



I've often said, often, that there's

nothing like a dense jungle in the rain.



- I've said this.

- You're drunk.



- That's not true.

- Speaking of rain,



there's supposed to be

a hurricane tonight.



We should rent a car

and drive to the Hamptons.



- We could walk on the beach...

- He hates the Hamptons.



Nobody hates the ocean.



She's up for anything.

It's too late for me. I can't.



Don't you have an audition tomorrow?



'My candle burns at both ends,

it will not last the night.'



Millay! Edna Millay!

She's my favorite poet!



Don't I quote her all the time?

Edna Millay...



Amanda's pretty, isn't she?



- She's okay, I suppose.

- You're drunk.



I was looking at her face

in the candlelight



and she has this offbeat sexual quality.



Yeah, I guess.

If, uh, you know,



if you find that crippling sense



of passionate heat

behind those big eyes sexy.



- Huh?

- Hmm?



- Nothing.

- Bob's crazy about her.



I got the whole story while you were

in the men's room throwing up.



I'm fine.

Believe me, I'm okay.



She moved in with him

and I get the feeling



he is dying to marry her.



- Oh, yeah?

- They make a nice couple.



He's charming and very attractive.



Are you okay?






Amanda? Hey, it's Jerry Falk.



Good, good. You?



Listen, I was just about to go to

this old record store I found out about.



I know you were interested

in picking up some Billie Holiday.



I'm actually vaguely near your house,

so I thought that, um...



I mean, if you and Bob are busy...



Right. Of course. He would be at work.

What was I thinking?



I could be there pretty soon.

Maybe, say, three minutes?



Great. I'll meet you in front

of your place. Bye.



These are great.



Let me get you this Diana Krall record

as a present



since I know how big of a fan you are.



- Wasn't she great the other night?

- So great.



I love that you appreciate old songs.

They're so pretty.



I'd love to hear you sing sometime.



I can't sing publicly.

I'm too fat.



- Fat? I'm sorry. Did you say fat?

- But I have these great diet pills.



They take away your appetite,

but increase your sexual drive.



Is that how you met Bob?



From his record company?



No. He picked me up

in Central Park, actually.



Oh, how funny.



And you guys got...

seriously involved?



No. He'd like to, but...



I can't commit.



I have a problem with commitment.



I dream of meeting someone

who I'll want to give myself over to,



where I'd be the one

hurt in the end.



But it hasn't happened yet. You?



Me neither.



Um, unfortunately, same here.



Brooke and I are in

the last stages, basically.



- Really?

- Oh, yeah.



- She didn't give me that impression.

- She didn't?



Well, that's strange, because that's

the only impression to give, really.



Oh! Look at this, uh, record.

Cole Porter.



This is a fantas...

really pretty songs on here.



Let me get you this as a little present.

Can I do that?



I was actually listening to this last night,

and I thought of you.



You were listening to Cole Porter

and thought of me?



You must really have a crush on me.



I do?



I'd say it's fatal.



I'm sorry.

I, uh... I couldn't resist.



Don't apologize.

I wanted you to.



You did?



Yes. I've had a crush on you

since we met.



Couldn't you tell,

the way I was ignoring you?



Well, there was something

compelling about your apathy.



I thought you were sweet

and sensitive and vulnerable.



And I could tell you liked me, too.



I can't believe

I'm in love with a smoker.



I don't want anyone to get hurt.



Where were you?

It's   :  .




Well, um, I had a meeting to go to.



- You smell from alcohol.

- I do?



My God, your tongue is black!



It is? Well, um...



that's because I had some wine.



Wine? Why?

It's not Passover.



No. Uh, to celebrate.

Uh, the deal.



What deal?



I have to tell you, um, it looks like

I have a great opportunity



to work for, for, um, a very,



very funny, uh, puppet.



It's, uh... remember I...



Is this a woman's hair?



Is this...

is this a woman's hair?



I mean, it could be...



I suppose.



Possibly from, uh, the taxi.



It was... I mean, I think, you know,

all the people in and out,



I probably sat up in...



I guess, the woman's hair.

I am exhausted.



She asked me if I still love her.

What could I say?



Why can't I tell her the truth?

I'm in love with Amanda.



Why can't I tell her it's over?

Why can't I leave people?



Tell me about your dream.



The Cleveland Indians gotjobs

at Toys R Us?



Yeah. So what can it possibly mean?



Look, I can't keep wasting my hour here

describing lunatic dreams.



I have a date with Amanda.



I can't keep running around town

on the sly and live like this.



Amanda can handle it,

but I need help.



What do I do? I have to

extricate myself from Brooke.



It'll break her heart.

She wants to marry me!



The guy will not talk.

I've been with him for three years.



What comes to mind

about the Cleveland Indians?



See? This is what I get.

I need a course of action,



and he wants me to free-associate

about the Cleveland Indians.



I love doing it in hotels.

It's so illicit.



Check yourself for shoulder-length hairs

in hard-to-justify locations.



I have to decide how to

let Brooke down gracefully.



There's no rush.

I've been the other woman before.



Bob wasn't upset when you told him?



He was disappointed.

But I was honest about myself going in.



Naturally, I didn't tell him

it was you I was in love with.






Don't give me that!

I don't believe you!



Those are bite marks on your back.

You didn't fall on your comb!



What are you thinking about?






When we first met,

when Brooke found out.



Remember that? Or when we checked

into that hotel as S. and Z. Fitzgerald.



Or how we made love everywhere.

God, everywhere.



When I think of all the risky places



that lust overcame the two of us,

it blows my mind.



You know Fireside Memorial Chapel

is a McDonald's now?









- Why not?

- I can't.



What do you mean?

It's not natural.



We never sleep with each other.



I told you I'm going

through a rough patch.



I'll say.

It's been six months!



I said you could sleep

with other women.



I don't love other women.



I don't want to sleep

with other women. I love you.



What did I do to turn you off?

I don't get it.



Nothing. You did nothing.

It's always about you.



- You have such an ego.

- An ego?



What do you want me to do?

Grit my teeth, close my eyes,



hold myself stiff

and let you do it to me?



It's getting to the point

where I may settle for that.



Sometimes I think it's because

you remind me of my father.



You once told me you thought your father

was sexually attractive.



That's not the part of him

you remind me of.



It's not?

What is it, then?



You know, his professional manner.



Sweet and supportive.



Gee, I'm sorry I have so many

turn-off qualities. I didn't realize.



Sleep with other women.

Just don't tell me about it.



- Do you love me?

- What a question!



Just because I pull away

when you touch me?



'Just because I pull away

when you touch me?'



- Falk, give me a break.

- She said it was temporary.



Meanwhile, you haven't consummated

your passion for her in six months!



It's unbelievable! I have a theory

that too much rejection causes cancer.



She encourages me

to sleep with other women.



Well, do it! For God's sakes!



There must be a million women who'd

be excited to get into bed with you.



Maybe not a million,



but I'm sure you could find one,

if you got her drunk enough.



It doesn't matter.

I have no interest in other women.



- See, even my first wife was...

- Wife? You were married?



A bitter story.

I was very young.



I should have known something

was wrong on the wedding night



when her family danced around my table

chanting, 'We will make him one of us!'



Oh, boy! I had a rough day.



I got up, put on a shirt

and the button came off.



Then I went to the car to open the door,

and the handle came off.



Now I'm afraid

to go to the bathroom.



What did you do?

I wanted to grab the check.



- No, you didn't.

- What do you mean? I did.



I was grabbing the check.



Never trust a guy

who fumbles for the check.



He who wants to get the check,

gets it.



As you go through life, when you

really want to get the check, you will.



- Well, I was planning on getting it.

- Let me ask you...



Did you hear what that guy said?



Three people were coming in

as we were leaving.



The swarthy guy?



Yeah. Dark.

There were two guys and a girl.



- I didn't hear him.

- He looked at us,



and said to the other guy:

'Jews start all wars.'



- Did you hear that?

- No!



Yes, absolutely. He presumably

said it to her or the guy with them,



but it was really for our benefit.

'Jews start all wars.'



I don't think it was for my benefit

because I didn't hear anything.



I know who you're talking about.

I saw this trio,



but I didn't hear anything

and I have pretty good hearing.



Because you were obsessed with

the physically prepossessing waitresses



running around.



Let me tell you, Falk.

We live in perilous times.



You got to keep alert for these things.



You don't want your life to wind up

as black-and-white newsreel footage



scored by a cello in a minor key.



- Hey.

- Hi.



- How are you?

- Good. How was the comedian?



It's exactly like Dobel says.



There is truly a paucity

of veridical talent in the world.



When will I meet this polymath?



He is unbelievable.

He's read everything.



He plays music.

He paints, or so he claims.



I've read some of his poems...

all morbid!



Cancer and shock treatments

and gas chambers.



And his vocabulary is astounding.

You can't get the guy on a word.



It's rare you're so taken with somebody.



Hey, Mrs. Chase.



I told you not to call me Mrs. Chase!

My name is Paula!



Mrs. Chase makes me sound ancient.

My life isn't over yet.



- In fact, I'm just starting to live it.

- Definitely, Paula.



And I need some help from you.



Mom, could you talk about this tomorrow?

It's late.



What, are we six years old?

It's past our bedtime?



It's okay. It's only  :  .



I decided to put some songs together

and do a nightclub act.



Mother, the scene has really changed

in the past    years.



- Why are you so discouraging?

- I'm not. I'm realistic.



I don't want you to get hurt.



How? I could always sing.



Of course you can sing.

I'm not saying that.



But things change.

Styles, the cabaret business...



Can't you be more supportive?

You're so competitive!



I am not!

I hate my voice!




You both have very good voices.



I thought I'd put a few songs together



and you could write

between-the-songs talk for me.



- I've never done that sort of thing.

- Just some banter. Notjokes.



I couldn't tell a joke if my life

depended on it. Just some chit-chat.



The truth is,

I'm kind of snowed under right now...



Oh, God!

Is nobody on my side?



Jerry, you could do it.

This stuff comes so easily to you.



- You just said this is a fool's errand.

- What did you call me?



It's an expression.



I know. I tried to dissuade her,

but she won't listen to me.



I'm trying to finish my book.

These comics are pressing me.



- I've taken deposits from them.

- Oh, forget I even asked.



Okay. I never said I wouldn't do it.



I just have to fit it in.



It won't be arduous!

I have lots of ideas!



I'm even having a piano delivered!



- Here?

- It's a rental.



- I had to rehearse!

- There's no room for a piano.



Because you don't maximize your space!



I was an interior decorator.

Tell him, Amanda.



I know this is a real pain,

but it's temporary.



You mean like our lovemaking?



Could you not be gross?



As the days passed,

Dobel and I got closer and closer.



After he finished school,

we'd meet in Central Park.



He'd usually expound on something.



You think quantum physics

has the answer?



I mean, what purpose

does it serve for me



that time and space

are exactly the same thing?



I ask a guy what time it is,

he tells me six miles?



What the hell is that?



Falk, if a guy comes out onstage

at Carnegie Hall and throws up,



you can always find some people

who will call it art.



Years ago, a very wonderful comedy writer



wrote a very funny book

with a really deep and meaningful title.



It was called

'Never Trust A Naked Bus Driver.'



You would be amazed how many people



do exactly that, and worse.



- Do you masturbate, Falk?

- What?



I mean, given the circumstances

of your sex life, I would think...



This is not... stop squirming.



I'm not. I don't know.

Now and then, I guess.



When is now and then?

On Easter and Purim?



I don't really enjoy it.



Are you doing it right?

Does your hand fall asleep?



I happen to think it's

a poor substitute for the real thing.



Really? I prefer it to the real thing.



Last night, I was home by myself



and I conjured up a threesome with me,

Marilyn Monroe and Sophia Loren.



It was very erotic.



In fact, if I'm not mistaken,

it was the first time



those two great actresses

ever appeared in anything together.



- It sounds nice, but...

- The only reason I ask



is because I think

that as you go through life,



you learn to depend only on yourself.



You know?

Do you own a firearm?



A gun?



A gun qualifies as a firearm, yes.



- No. Why would I?

- For self-defense.



Against who?



Against those who conspire to harm you.



Harm me?



Don't ask what you did to deserve it.

I mean, God, read Auden.



You know, come with me to New Jersey.



Falk, I took the liberty a few weeks ago

of ordering you a little present.






They're having a sale here

on surplus Russian army rifles.






Suppose you're home one night

in bed, masturbating,



and some guys break in.

You need protection.



I'd dial    .

I don't need a rifle.



Have you ever dialed    ?

It's like trying to get a mortgage.



Come on.



I don't need a rifle. I'll probably

wind up blowing my foot off.



What is wrong with you?

Are you such a maladroit



you can't keep a firearm without

discharging it adventitiously?



- I don't need a weapon.

- Everybody needs a weapon.



What does that mean?



It means the day will come

when you wish you had one.



Why exactly?




So they don't put you in a boxcar.



I want to get you some of this stuff, too.



- What for?

- So you can build a survival kit.



I have a perfect survival kit.

I've been working on it for years.



Last week I got some great fishhooks,



and a waterproof matchbox that floats.



What are you preparing for,

the end of civilization?



I have to know if I'm alone in the wilds,

I can survive by myself.



Dobel, you're a madman.



That's what they said in Germany.



There were actually groups

in Germany called 'Jews for Hitler.'



They were deluded.

They thought he'd be good for the country.



Never trust a naked bus driver.



By the time I got out of bed

and loaded it,



- the damage would be done.

- That's why you keep it loaded.



I should keep a loaded gun in the house?



Why would you keep

an unloaded weapon in the house?



Do you keep a loaded gun in the house?



I have a loaded weapon

in my house within reach.



Within reach, Falk.

In every room.



Just how crazy are you?

Is there more?



Do you hear voices on the radio

or worship snakes?



You are a member of one of the most

persecuted minorities in history.



The rifle's on me.

Let me handle this.



This makes me nervous.

I've never owned a weapon.



You have to learn to take it apart

and put it together blindfolded.



You may have to do it in the dark.



You expecting Nazis and a blackout?



Incidentally, while you were rummaging

around the store in an aimless stupor,



I got you a couple of items.



I got you a flashlight that floats



if you drop it in the ocean

for any reason.



When the hell am I near the ocean?



I want you to build a survival kit.

I got you a compass, a...



I live in Manhattan.

Why would I need a compass?



This flare gun.

I got you some snakebite stuff,



fishhooks, water-purifying tablets.



This all sounds a little excessive to me.



And don't pull the trigger.



Squeeze it. Squeeze the trigger.



That's right.

Just take aim and squeeze...



Sorry! Sorry, sorry!

It's empty.



Dobel was showing me how to use a rifle.

We were practicing.



- Why?

- Why? Well, it's for protection.



- From who?

- What do you mean, from who?



- Dobel, tell her.

- I'm Dobel.




Who do you need protection from?



Burglars, rapists, the Gestapo.



It was my idea that,

given the tensions in the world,



perhaps it would be prudent



for young Falk to own

a means of self-defense.



Have you had a mental breakdown?

You and a rifle?



- I know it seems weird.

- What's this stuff?



This is all very important.

These are water-purifying tablets



and that's a flashlight that floats.



Let's say you drop it in the ocean.

It floats.



Are you joining the Boy Scouts?



- It's all very necessary.

- Are these bullets?



They're called rounds. Right?

Jump in here at any point.



Falk, I don't mean to incite

domestic strife here.



Amanda, it's all very safe.

See what happens...



what I do is take a pliers



and I remove the lead part

from the shell. You see?



Then I have the empty...

empty shell. Okay?



And what I do is I put this now

in the breech



in the rifle, okay?



So then if a shot's taken,

it won't really fire.



Not until the second round

goes into the breech.



The chamber!

The chamber, Falk!



Into the chamber.



I am not living in the house

with a loaded rifle.



You don't trust me to keep a firearm

without hurting anyone?



- Am I an imbecile?

- Is that a trick question?



Dobel, would you say something?



It's his feeling that as the economy slumps,

crime rises, okay?



And rape... rape has risen.

Statistically speaking, rape has gone up.



And he's not convinced that

the slaughter of six million Jews



is enough to satisfy the anti-Semitic

impulses of the majority of the world.



- You said this.

- He's paraphrasing.



I put it more succinctly when I...






Don't worry, Mother.

It's not loaded.



- What's happening?

- I bought a rifle.



A rifle?! I'm not living

in a house with a rifle!



- Don't worry, Mom. It's leaving.

- No, it's not. It's not leaving.



Perhaps we should rethink

the concept of self-defense.



Mrs. Chase, is it unreasonable

to own a fire extinguisher,



though you'll probably never use it?



Stop calling me Mrs. Chase!

My name is Paula!



I'm not your goddamn schoolteacher!



Falk, urgent business in Tierra Del Fuego

requires my presence,



so I'll be leaving.



Sir, would you mind

helping me shift this piano?



- Me?

- Mother, he's a guest.



Would you take these when you go?



I don't care who he is.

This room isn't right.



That's because it's too crowded.



Meaning what?

You want me on a park bench?



Don't be so dramatic.

All I want out is this stupid rifle.



Are you going to help me?



I live to serve.

Make your wishes known.



- Pivot. Pivot.

- Hello.



Did I get you at a bad time?



I just want to set the date

for the end of the week for lunch.



How's Friday?




Hold on one second, Harvey.



I have steamers in the fridge

from a week ago Sunday. You hungry?



No. I make it a practice

never to ingest bivalves



that have been dead more than    hours.



Christ, I need a drink.

This room just isn't right.



What are these?



Water-purifying tablets.



What for?

Is the plumbing backed up?



Thursday's better.

What do you want to talk about?



The who, the what and the wherefore.

Thursday, Isabella's, at noon.



- Right. Bye.

- No, you're doing it.



- Just pivot it.

- What's happening here?



I have it under control.

Nothing that can't be done



with    stevedores and some oxen.



- Paula, where do you want this?

- Against the wall.



- I'll help you do it.

- Sir, would you take this?



Mom, here you go.



Jesus, what a butterfingers!



Watch your hands

when you pick these up.



- These things happen.

- This can be glued.



I don't understand why those people

could leave the room



after the dinner party

and go home.



- What'd you think?

- It was great.



Yeah, I agree.



Listen, I'm sorry about my mother.



- I know she's been out of control.

- Don't worry about it.



She is a little tough,



but nevertheless, I will gladly

help her with her singing act.



You are a sweetheart.

I don't know what I'd do without you.



I've got a great idea.



Instead of going home,

let's check into a hotel.



Let's check into a hotel!



Maybe away from everything



in a completely different atmosphere,

you'll be more relaxed.



We used to check into hotels

all the time.



- It was exciting and fun.

- But it was different then.



But it won't be different.

It'll be just like we used to.



Come on, it'll be great.



Hi. How are you?



We're interested in a single room.

How much is that?



- A single room is $    a night.

- $   . Wow.



It's amazing how even

the cheapest ones have gone up.



Let's not get a single.

It's so sleazy.



We're trying to be romantic.



You're right.

Um, do you have a small suite?



- A small suite?

- Very small.



Let me check.

I'll be right back.






- Look at this place.

- It's nice.



Thank you.

Have a good one.



- How much did you give him?

- Three bucks.



Not five?




He just turned the light on.



We have no luggage.

Should I have given him five?



It doesn't matter.

I'm sorry. I'm just tense.



This is fun, isn't it?

It's kind of sexy, being back in a hotel.



Should we order caviar?



Caviar? You just had

all that popcorn at the movie.



Plus the peppermints

and the ice cream sandwich.



I know.

I'm definitely going on a diet tomorrow.



I can't believe how much they charge

for a suite.



It's not what I expected.



- Is that what you're thinking about?

- No.



No, I'm thinking of you

and how sexy you are.



- I need another.

- Come here. What's wrong?



- It's too bright.

- Too bright?



Okay, well, I can fix that, I guess.



- Is that better?

- No, it's still too bright.




Yes! You know how hard this is for me.



Maybe it's because of this room.

I'll shut these off.



- There. Is that better?

- No. Turn that off.



You used to like making love

with the lights on.



Or in a sunny room in front of mirrors.




- Can we start with the lights off?

- Okay. Not a problem.



There we go. How's that?



Thank you.



Come here.

You know how sexy you are?



Here... let's take off your sweatshirt.



I'll take my pants off here.




I'm sorry.



I had all this change from the movie house

when I bought your popcorn.



I can't do this.

The moment's ruined.



That's crazy.

It shouldn't be that delicate.



It's not about should!

Look, I'm a wreck!



Okay, I'm sorry.



I'm sorry, but I can't.

I can't do this.



We'll start again, okay?

It'll be fine. A clean slate, okay?



We got this room.

Let's take advantage.



We'll just start over, okay?

Come here.



See? It's nothing we haven't

done before, right?




Jerry, I can't breathe.



What do you mean?



- I can't...

- What do you mean?



I can't breathe.

My throat's swelling.



- Your throat's not swelling.

- It is. This has happened before.



Why don't you sit down?

Amanda, sit down for a second.



You want me to get you some water?



- No. I feel nauseous.

- You're not nauseous.



- I am.

- Just, just take it easy.



Amanda, do you want me

to open the window?



Maybe you need some fresh air.

You're getting pale.



Are you serious?



I need a doctor.



You don't need a doctor.

Just lay down for a second.



I'm really dizzy.



All right.

Just, um, hold on.



Just, um, breathe

through your nose, okay?



Come on.

Come on. Here.



Leave a tip for the maid.



So, if I push

on your chest here, do you feel any pain?



Well, it's right under

the breast I get a shooting pain.



- Your left breast?

- Yes.



Have you ever had a reaction

like this before?






Do you have any allergies?



I hope not.



I'm just checking

your glands right now.



- You take all these pills?

- Yes. They're different diets.



Then I have my antidepressants

and my sleeping pills.



But they have opposite effects.



I don't take them all

on the same day.



You had a few vodkas, you say?

Breathe in.



Hold. Let it go.



Why do you use diet pills?



I have some trouble

with my weight.



You're not overweight.

You have a lovely figure.



Lean back.

This doesn't hurt, does it?






- You're a very beautiful young woman.

- Thank you.



Yeah, breathe. Good.



The doctor had better sex examining her

than I've had in   months!



She has this wayward appeal.

Men go instantly crazy for her!



What do I do?

I'm trapped in a situation here.



What do I do?

Say something.



Our time is up.



Suppose we continue

at our next meeting.



Mr. Falk, I would like to say that



I will stop treating you if you

insist on keeping that rifle.



- What? Why?

- I think it's an acting out.



And it's more to your advantage

to talk about it than act out.



But Dobel thinks in the end,

we can only count on ourselves.



I'm afraid our time is up.



If you don't get rid of the rifle,

I can't continue the analysis.



- Jerry!

- Hey, Bill. How are you?



I'm good.

So, what are you doing here?



I'm having lunch

with my manager, inside.



That Harry Wexler clown?

I saw him go in.



Harvey. Yeah, yeah.



Nobody understands

why you don't lose him.



- Lose Harvey?

- The guy is a joke in the business.



- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.



I'm telling you this as a friend.

You're starting to happen a little bit.



You don't need a character

like this representing you.



Thanks. I'll certainly think about it.



- How's your girlfriend?

- Amanda? She's good.



She's studying

acting and singing.



Promise me one thing.



You guys ever break up,

you give me her number.



Just kidding.

Except I'm deadly serious.



We're not breaking up.



- Good to see you.

- Story of my life. Bye, Jerry!



Sorry I'm late.



I thought I'd be late.

My mom had a gallbladder attack.



So, you want to discuss...?



No big deal.

I'll get it out of the way



then we can eat

and enjoy the meal.



A coffee, please.



I'm fine.






our original contract

was for three years.



It's almost up.

It's up in a few months.



My game plan for you

is going perfectly.



A lot of people laughed at me

when I said I only wanted one client.



And a kid, too!



It's like a clothing store



that specializes in

quality rather than quantity.



All the other managers in town,

even my own family



predicted that you would dump me

if you made it big on my efforts.



I said, 'You do not know Jerry Falk.'



'Jerry Falk and I have

a special relationship.



'It goes way beyond the contract.



'We are very close.



'I was at his wedding.

I bought him a toaster.



'We are this close.

I've done things for him



'you couldn't even write

into a contract.'



What's this?



Our new agreement.



You don't have to read it now.

Take it home and read it.



It's not that complicated.

It's the same thing,



except it's for seven years

instead of three.



I figured, why burden you with

signing a contract every three years?



Especially since we're gonna

be together for a long, long time!



You can't sign that, Falk.

What are you, a cretin?



I can't not sign it.

The guy's whole life is invested in me.



The guy's an idiot!

He's in the wrong business.



He should be pushing a rack

on Seventh Avenue.



He put in the tough work

when no one else cared.



He's not a bad guy, he's just...



I can't figure you out.

You've been with a shrink for years,



yet you're too guilty to say good-bye



to the inept homunculus

that poses as your manager.



Incidentally, my shrink says

I have to get rid of the rifle.



- What?

- He says it's an acting out.



What kind of charlatan would want you

unarmed in this world?



- He's not a charlatan.

- They're all charlatans, Falk!



You know, since the beginning of time,



people have been frightened and unhappy



and scared to death

and scared of getting old



and there have always been

priests and shamans and now shrinks



to tell them 'I know you're frightened,

but I can help you.'



'Of course, it'll cost you a few bucks.'



But they can't help you,

because life is what it is.



Hey, what did you think of Amanda?

I know you only met her for, like,



   minutes under pretty

chaotic circumstances



but she has a great quality, doesn't she?



She's cheating on you,

you know.



- What are you talking about?

- She's cheating on you!



- How do you know?

- 'Cause I know.



How do you know?

You see her with someone?



- No.

- Did she say something to you?






Then why would you say

she's cheating on me?



I can tell by her eyes.



- Her eyes? Her eyes.

- Yes, her eyes.



Dobel, you have a certain brilliance.

You do.



You're a sweet guy

and a wonderful writer of humor,



but you are a deeply,

deeply deranged human being.



Falk, I'm telling you,

she's cheating on you,



and you're too typhlotic to see it.



Typhlosis, Falk.




Is she cheating on me?



Dobel has poisoned the well.



How the hell would he know?

Is he some kind of visionary?



Not at all. He's a simple,

garden-variety paranoid.



'Jews start all wars.'

A gun in every room of his apartment!



Amanda's cheating on me

because he sees it in her eyes?



Bull! And yet...



Jerry? This is Connie.

Connie, Jerry.



Nice to meet you.



- Connie is a brilliant actress.

- Amanda's the actress!



Ray! Come with me.

I have to talk to you.



Amanda tells me you're a writer.

What are you working on?



A novel.



About what?



The absolute terror

of confronting one's death.



I just finished

'Notes From Underground.'



Isn't Dostoyevsky the most amazing,

poignant, talented writer?



Who cares about Dostoyevsky

if Amanda's sleeping with that guy?



She always talks about Ray Polito.



Such a hotshot new actor.

Animal instincts.



This generation's Brando.

They certainly make eye contact.



She's so sexy.

Look at her body language.



All verbs!



- Have I...?

- Read 'House of the Dead.'



Oh, yes.

Yes, I have.



I found it surprisingly neoteric.



- Modern. Very modern.

- Yes, modern.



- Would you excuse me just a second?

- Yeah, sure.



Jerry, hi.

You remember Ray Polito?



- Nice to see you.

- How are you?



Good. You?



I was telling Ray about how you have

a real interest in old theater posters.



He says he has a great source.



My buddy, Jay Binns,

has some really rare ones.



He'd be happy to show them

to you anytime.



Thanks. Yeah, maybe sometime, sure.



- We could rent a car and drive out tonight.

- Tonight?



Connie? You should come, too.

You should bring Doug.



- Who's Doug?

- Go where?



My buddy lives in Montauk.

We're going there tonight.



- At this hour, there's no traffic.

- Montauk? It's midnight.



Montauk at midnight?

What could be more romantic?



- I can't.

- Me either.



- It's just too late.

- I have to get up early.



You know I work best

in the morning.



But we'll walk on the beach,

maybe take a swim.



Ray'll play his guitar.



- You play guitar?

- Yeah.



I'd rather eat rat poison



than watch this guy

play guitar on the beach at   AM.



- You're so quiet.

- So are you.



- What's wrong?

- Nothing.



Don't say, 'nothing.'

Obviously, you're upset.



Are you crushed because we didn't drive

    miles to look at theater posters



and hear this guy play his guitar?




My mother's sleeping.



That road company James Dean

looked at you



like you were

a freshly baked cannoli.



Are you in love with Connie?






Don't pretend you can't

remember her name.



I wouldn't have even looked at Connie

if you hadn't thrown us together.



I thought you'd like her.



She's smart and beautiful

and very literate.



A literate actress?

What, is that like a four-leaf clover?



Most men find her seductive.



If you wanted to go off with Ray Polito,

you should have gone.



You didn't need to

fix me up with someone.



Please! I thought you'd want to see

his friend's theater posters.



I have no interest in Connie.

None. Nada.



You can sleep with other women.

Just don't throw it in my face.



I'm not sleeping with her!

Do you want to sleep with Ray?



Jesus Christ!

Will you two keep it down?



I can't sleep.

You got any pills?



I'm sorry, Mother.

I can't have these late-night discussions.



- I need a sleeping pill.

- Jerry? Come here.



- I want to show you something.

- Now? It's   AM.



Come here! Jerry.



This goddamn ballad is driving me crazy.

Just tell me what you think.



Don't cry



There'll be another spring



I know our hearts



Will dance again



And sing again



So wait for me



Till then



Be glad



The bird is on the wing



Another chance to love



And laugh with me



Just wait and see



I love you now



And I'll love you forever



Oh, don't



Be sad



We'll surely be






For the sky



Is bluer overhead



If you will just



Believe in me



There'll be









If life is meaningless,

then why choose to live?



Dobel says we don't choose,

our blood chooses for us.



What does it all add up to if I die?



Freud says sex and work.



Dobel says work

gives the illusion of meaning,



and sex gives

the illusion of continuity.



She's going to practice now?



Hey, Paula? I'm trying to clarify

some ideas for my novel.



I just need...



I have some ideas for dialogue

leading to the Judy Garland medley.



Could we talk about it later?



I am so nervous. I don't know why

I'm so scared of performing.



- Where does Amanda keep her Valium?

- There. I'll get you one.



I just need a little bit of quiet,

just for the morning. Okay, Paula?



I went to the bathroom

to get her mother a Valium.



Because Dobel made me

so damn suspicious,



I couldn't resist the impulse

to open her diaphragm case



to see if it was there,

and it wasn't.



Why does she need her diaphragm?

What for?



And what's wrong with me?



Why should the thought

of Amanda sleeping with someone



be both excruciating and exciting?



I feel like committing suicide,



but I have so many problems,

that wouldn't solve them all.



What should I do?

What would you do?




What do I do?



If it was me, Falk,

I would follow her.



Why do you put these paranoid thoughts

in my head?



Why does she wear a diaphragm?

Why isn't she on the pill?



It's hormonal.

The pill makes her crazy.



The pill makes her crazy?

Falk, she is crazy!



The Pentagon should use her hormones

for chemical warfare!



I don't get it. Where is it?

Where is her diaphragm?



Well, you know, I can imagine.



I've never followed anyone.



It's not rocket science, Falk.



The trick is not to be seen.

Where is she now?



- Acting class.

- You think.



Christ, don't say that.

Of course she's at acting class.



She wouldn't miss that.

It's too crucial.



And that's where she sees

her acting partner, Ray Polito.



Look, I'm not good at following.

Why don't you come with me?



I can't.

I promised students I'd take them



to the Caravaggio exhibit

at the Metropolitan Museum.



I give them a little culture now and then



so they don't beat each other to death

with bicycle chains.



I'm too nervous to follow her.



There's nothing to it, you know.



You're worried about what you're

going to find, that's all.



You are a writer.

You have a gift.



You should have a girlfriend

who helps you and is encouraging,



not some mercurial little jitterbug

who'll have you hold up filling stations



- to keep her in mood elevators.

- I shouldn't have looked.



What you don't know will kill you!



What you don't know won't hurt you,

it'll kill you.



Like if they tell you

you're going to showers



but they turn out not to be showers.



Ray Polito.

I knew it.



Where were you?

We have theater tickets tonight.



Paula, could you excuse us?

I have to talk to Amanda.



My God, Jerry.

Has the president been shot?



Fine with me.

I have a date tonight.



What? You have a date?

With who?



I must confess.

It's with a guy who picked me up.



- Where?

- At my AA meeting.



- Great. An alcoholic.

- He's not an alcoholic.



He's the alcoholic's friend, the enabler.



Even better.

What does he do?



- He's a horse whisperer.

- What are you talking about?



- What are you looking for, your keys?

- Yes.



- They're over here.

- He's    years old.



Fabulous. You're going out

with a   -year-old horse whisperer.



- Amanda, could I talk to you?

- Hold on!



- Would you really care if I got a tattoo?

- Yes.



- We'll discuss it later.

- No, Mom.



- We'll discuss it.

- Mom, don't.



Mom, your keys.

Your keys.



- Thanks.

- Jesus, you're so crazy!



- Where were you today?

- Acting class.



No, I mean after.



At a girlfriend's apartment,

rehearsing a scene.



No. No, you weren't



because I know you were in

the school building with your teacher.



That's right. I saw you.



- How?

- I was spying on you.



- Spying?

- That's right. I saw the three of you.



You, your acting teacher

and your diaphragm.



Your diaphragm. It's not here,

so where could it be?



There's no such thing

as a diaphragm repair shop.



I was there, Amanda.

I saw it all.



Okay. Okay, I slept with Ron Keller.



But I didn't do it

because I care about him.



No? What then?

To punish him?



I had to find out

if something was wrong with me.



I can't sleep with you,

the person that I love.



I had to know if I was

some kind of freak, or frigid.



I had to know if I could even get

aroused anymore and have an orgasm!



And can you?



Yeah. It's good news.

I can!



Okay. I want out of this relationship.



Jerry, don't say that.

You know I need you.



Need me? How can you need me



when all these positive feelings

happen with everyone but me?



Not everybody.

Just Ron Keller.



He reminds me of my father.



I remind you of your father.



You remind me of the good parts.

He reminds me of the bad.



I figured I should try everything.



You know, to figure out

what the problem is.



How did I get to be the good father?

What am I, Kris Kringle?



It is a maddening problem.

We had to try every kind of foreplay.



Where's the rifle?

I'm going to blow my brains out.



Don't be so middle-class!

I did it as much for you as for me.



Oh, thank you. For me?

Thank you so much for thinking of me.



Well, it worked.



Now I know that I can get excited.

Very excited.




I can have orgasms.



Like the ones I had

when we first started dating.



You know? Multiple ones,

where I claw the walls.



I'm so happy to hear this, Amanda!




This is just music to my ears.



I don't need the rifle.

I'll just hemorrhage here on the carpet.



Jerry, don't be mad.



And don't be mad at Ron.

He was just trying to help.



Ron? How could I be upset at Ron?



In fact, I'll put him

on my Christmas list,



if I can figure out

how to make a letter bomb.




Jerry, please.




You know I love you so much.



I need you.

I can't live without you.



Jerry, please?



That's bullshit, Falk.

I don't buy any of it.



She says she did it therapeutically.



That's the kind of therapy they advertise

on the back of the Village Voice.



She wanted to make sure

she could still become aroused.



Well, I'm glad to hear

the little sweetheart can still...



You know, it's not in vlno verltas.



It's in eros verltas.



I don't know what to do, Dobel.

I'm totally confused.



You said it. You're afraid to sleep alone.

That's the whole story.



You surround yourself

with this farrago of baby-sitters,



this loving-disabled sex kitten

who's driving you crazy,



the Jew manager, you know?



Let me tell you,

I am of the Hebrew persuasion,



but that guy who handles you



is a member of one of the lost tribes

of Israel that should have remained lost.



And you got this shrink who, like God,

never speaks and, like God, is dead.



There's nothing wrong with being afraid.

We were meant to be afraid.



That's why you have to build

a survival kit.



Do you have a little time now?

I want to chat with you.



It's just a joint,

but they have great Chinese food.



We're in luck.

There's a guy pulling out.



Let me speak to you about something.



I have an acquaintance

out in California who produces



and he's doing some

comedy shows on television.



I know they're looking

for teams of writers.



If I told them that you and I were a team,

I think we could get hired.



In California?



Yeah. All the action is out there.

It's not here.



I don't know what Amanda would say.



Though her mother's always wanted

to go to Hollywood.



Can I explain something?

I'm talking about a clean break.



Me with the Board of Education,

and you with everybody.



With that fish peddler,

garment center manager you have,



with your shrink and with that little girl

who gives you a hard time.



I can'tjust leave...

go by myself?



Not go by yourself. Go with me.



We'd go together so you can't

fall back on being alone.



I've given it a lot of thought, Falk,



and I know for me, it's now or never.



Think about it.

Just think about it.






Hey, I was waiting

for this space for five minutes.



I was here for five minutes, waiting...



You got a problem with me parking here?



You been waiting? Too bad.

You slow, you blow.



- I'm a busy man. I have things to do.

- But I was...



What, are you high on crack

to be arguing with him?!



- I was waiting here for five minutes!

- You want to meet God?



Do you? Get out of here!



Go home, old man.

Do what the man says.



Go, before I kick you in the ass!



Get in your car and go home.

And you, turn around!






My God, Dobel.



Either one of those guys

could have beat you to a pulp.



Is it so important you insist?



Life's unfair.

You said it yourself.



Those guys have the muscles

and we're blessed with wit.



Later on, in the quiet and safety

of some delicatessen,



we can write a biting satire

and expose all their foibles



and have a great, big laugh.

Two jerks.



But in the meantime,

they've got the biceps.



What are you doing?



Why are you parking?

Dobel, what are you doing?



Why are we back here?

What is that for? Dobel!



Oh, my God. Dobel!






Dobel, let's go! My god.



You're sick in the head,

you know that? Crazy!



Start the car.



What are you doing?



I had mixed feelings over the day.



On the one hand, I was convinced

Dobel was a raving, psychotic lunatic.



On the other hand, I had

a kind of odd admiration for him.



I would have just slinked away, bullied.

You know?



But he wouldn't let the injustice rest.

He resisted.



There are always some people

who will resist.



And, as he says,

the issue is always fascism.



He's nuts.



And yet the thought

of giving up everything here



and starting fresh in California,

it's so tempting and exhilarating.



Why do I get so scared?

Because I'm not a leaver.



The one time Amanda

and I broke up, she left me.



It all happened too fast.

I was overwhelmed by you.



It was a whirlwind and right away,

we were living together!



I think we'd both benefit

by some time apart.



I don't need time apart.

I know I love you.



Well, I do!



I can't think.



I get these migraines and sometimes,

my throat closes up and I can't breathe.



I feel trapped and suffocated!



Maybe if we slept

with the window open.



- I'll move in with April.

- What if you return to a shrink?



I told you, shrinks don't work for me.

I know how to fool them.



Just all that talk about

how we were made for each other,



and marriage, I...



She moved out.

I was miserable.



Eating moo goo gai pan

out of boxes every night,



having dreams of death.



I tried dating, but it was hard

getting her out of my mind.



Why don't you come

to the ladies' room?



The door locks.

We can be alone.



The wine has put me, um,

very much in the mood.



Okay. I'll count to   

and meet you in the ladies' room.



Meet me where?



I'm sorry.



My mind was somewhere else.



Then, a few weeks later,

just as suddenly as she moved out,



Amanda returned.



I'm back.

But if you don't want me, I understand.



You're back?



I couldn't be without you.

I tried, but I just couldn't.



You didn't move in with

your girlfriend April, like you said.



I found out you went to Naples

with Tony Hanken.



Well, you can understand.



He wanted me to go with him

to Naples and Rome.



It sounded so romantic.



Those are places I've dreamed of.

I thought that's what I wanted.



But I missed you too much.



But of course you made love with him.



Yes, but I thought of you.



You were really the person I was

making love to in Naples and Florence



and Venice, on the airplane

      feet in the air...



Okay. Enough.



Oh, yeah... and at the Vatican.



All I could think about

while we were doing it



was how much

you would love that ceiling.



So I'm back.

I'm home because...



I can't live without you.



We made love that nlght.

It was wonderful.



If only certaln moments In llfe

could last,



just stay frozen,

llke some old vase.



Paula, would you keep it down?

You're going to wake Amanda.



Jerry, you haven't met Ralph.

This is Ralph!



Can you keep it down?




we saw Elaine Stritch

on Broadway tonight.



She was magnificent!




I wish I could do that!



- You can.

- I can.



I mean, I have a voice.



I just need some snappy dialogue

from you, Jerry.



Absolutely. I'm sorry.

I'm, uh...



Ralph, don't give me much.

I've never had cocaine before.



- Okay, just a little.

- Is that coc... what are you...



- Is that, uh...?

- It's blow.



Blow? What are you doing with blow?

And on my computer?



You're such a stick in the mud!



- You can partake.

- I'm not going to partake.



- What is going on?

- I said they'd wake you.



Mother, you know how

difficult it is for me to sleep.



I took two sleeping pills tonight.



We saw Elaine Stritch on Broadway.

You want some cocaine?



No, we don't want any cocaine, Amanda.



- I've never tried it.

- I've never tried lots of things!



- Bungee jumping, alligator wrestling.

- I'd have a little.



- You don't know what you're doing!

- No fears, Jerry.



Ralph knows exactly what he's doing.



- Nothing to worry about.

- Great. I won't be a part of this.



You are so goddamn prissy!



Thank you very much, Paula.



She has a point.

You're never up for anything.



I'm up for things that

you're not up for. Okay?



- What is that supposed to mean?

- Nothing.



I'm not going to snort cocaine, okay?



I'm a nice, square Jewish boy, okay?



I'm not putting anything up my nose.

My God, Paula!



- Are you kidding me?

- I don't know. I do it right?



It'll make you feel sexy, Jerry.



Does it?

Does it make you feel sexy?



- Sexy.

- This could be interesting.



Some people it makes feel sexy.

Other it makes belligerent.



With my luck, you'll take a knife to me.



Come on, just do a line!



You know what this does to your

nasal membranes? Eats them raw.



- Just do some with me.

- No!



Maybe it'll turn me on.



Darling, have a drink.



I have to talk to Dobel.



It's just a social thing.

It's not like we're drug addicts.



They snorted cocaine!

Can you believe that?



My mother fed me Cheerios.

She's giving her daughter coke!



By the way, it did not

solve our problem in bed.



I was not making eyes

at my mother's boyfriend.



God, you're so paranoid.



Why would I be interested

in a horse whisperer



who lives in Topanga Canyon

and has one of those giant SUVs



and stupid German Shepherds

and chain saws.



How do you know

so much about him?



Well, he was interesting to talk to.



So you're saying you're on the defensive

because you wouldn't snort cocaine?



It's not the cocaine.

It's the principle.



- What principle?

- And, you know, she's not entirely wrong.



I mean, I am too rigid and disciplined.



- What is this?

- You don't want to know.



What is it, a monologue

for some alleged comedian



who thinks to be offensive

is in itself enough to be funny?



I wish it were.

I certainly can't write at home anymore.



- What is it?

- My contract extension with Harvey.



- Unsigned, of course.

- You don't understand, okay?



If I don't re-up with him,

he will truly die.



- He'll commit suicide.

- I understand.



No, I understand completely.



What are you doing?

Dobel, what the hell are you doing?!



- What is wrong with you?!

- Where are you meeting him?



What did you do?!



- At Isabella's. What did you do?

- Well, go in and tell him it's over.



Tell him you and I are going

to California to write as a team.



Are you insane?

Why did you tear this up?!



Because you're not spending

five more minutes with this guy,



much less seven years

with this fumbling vantz



who robs you blind with a sliding scale.



I can't tell him it's over, Dobel.

I cannot...



I'll go with you.

I'll sit in the place while you tell him.



I'll give you moral support.

And don't beat around the bush.



Once you tergiversate, you're lost.



I'm sorry I'm late.



My mom has this hyperactive thyroid.






I ran into Dick Mallory.



He's working with a comic

who needs material.



I naturally told him your price.



I said, you know, what you get.



The kid works dirty.

A lot of bathroom jokes.



I said, 'Look, Jerry Falk is a professional.



'If what you need are bathroom jokes,

he can do them.'






- What's wrong with your voice?

- We should talk.



Yeah. That's the way I am.



I always like to settle business

before the meal.



This way, you can relax

and enjoy lunch.



You brought the contract, right?






there's no question that you were there

for me from the start.



And if you think it's easy

selling an   -year-old unknown...



it's a jungle out there.



And, and you've done

a very professional job.



And I've paid you...

I mean, the sliding scale.



You know, even though

it slid toward you.



Now... now I see myself



moving in a whole new direction.






Basically, I'm interested

in more serious things.



A novel, maybe some plays,

maybe not even comedy.



The dollars are in the jokes.

Funny is money.



I mean, you know, as a hobby,

later, when you're rich



someday, if you want to try a book... fine.



Although... the young kids are not readers.






What? You're all flushed.



I'm not going to re-sign with you.






Now I know this may be a little,

uh, disappointing to you,



but I'm moving to California

and reevaluating my priorities.



- You're what?

- I'm not going to need a manager.



You're not re-signing with me?



It's not the end of the world.



- You're dumping me?

- No, not dumping. I'm moving.



I'm changing my goals.

Don't take it badly.



No! My life...



My life is over.

You're not re-signing with me?!



Harvey, calm down.



But my future! My plans!



The humiliation!

You're dumping me!



You're overreacting.



You ungrateful,



phony, two-timing...

you louse!



Folks, this is not what you think.



- I've invested all my dreams in you!

- I'm leaving town.



- What have I done wrong?!

- Nothing.



- How have I failed you?!

- You've been great.



Can we discuss this elsewhere?



This is the loyalty I get

for years of struggle?!



Harvey, not everybody

signs every contract for life.



The room is turning black!

Turning black!



Air! Air!



Dobel! Dobel!



He's firing me!

This is the payoff I get!



- I'm out!

- He's taking it badly.



- Pains in my chest!

- Can we get some brandy for him?



Please reconsider.

Tell him to reconsider.



I'll go home and think about it.



Listen to me!

He's not reconsidering.



He's moving on.

Get on with your life.



Everybody, stand back.




Oh, my God!



There seems to be

a pulse beat here.



- What have I done?

- We should get an ambulance.



An ambulance? What have I done?

Oh, my God!



Relax. The paramedics

will pound on the chest.



I killed him!

I shouldn't have listened to you.



Sometimes the victim comes back.

You don't need a manager.



Well, maybe not,

but I don't need him to die.



Relax! If he dies because

you don't sign a contract with him,



then you should have

nothing to do with him.






Harvey dld not dle.

As Dobel predlcted, he survlved.



I walked around In the clty,

trylng to get my thoughts In order.



Whenever I'm unsure or troubled,

I take to the clty streets.



Walklng In New York clears my head.



I couldn't deny It.



There was a feellng of freedom,

of exhllaratlon.






- Hi!

- Hey.



Jerry, you remember Connie.



- Connie, nice to see you.

- I invited her for dinner.



- You're cooking?

- Yes.



I'm making spaghetti.



He makes fun of me

because I only know how



to make spaghetti for eight people.



I can't change

the recipe proportionally.



So tonight we'll be having

five extra portions.



I have news!

I've parted ways with Harvey.






The spaghetti for eight is terrific.



Let me explain what happened.



There I am, having a nice time,

a little drunk.



I have two drinks and I'm ready

to hold up a Brink's truck.



I start to see what it is about Connie

that Amanda had raved about.



She was very charming

and pretty and smart.



I started to get the feeling

that she was finding me engaging.



I've never found conventionally

handsome men attractive.



I much prefer faces with character.



I've fallen for some pretty

odd-looking men in my life.



After dlnner, I found myself

alone In the kltchen wlth Connle



and wantlng to touch her.



I say thls because It was the flrst tlme

slnce meetlng Amanda



I'd even looked at another woman.



And I began to feel that

maybe the tlme had come for me



to pack up and start over

In Callfornla wlth Dobel.



I'm terminating our sessions and

moving to California with Dobel.



There's a job waiting for us.



I'll miss New York,

but if I can accumulate enough money,



I can return and work on

my own projects.



What do you think about my decision?



What do you think about it?



I told them I'm leaving.

I gave notice and I won't starve.



I've saved some money.

The thing I'll miss most is the kids.



The kids are wonderful. Bright.



You should see the creative ways



they smuggle weapons

past the metal detectors. It's amazing.



- Now you have to tell Amanda.

- I know.



And don't tergiversate.



Did I tergiversate with Harvey?

Huh? No.



I don't even know what the hell

'tergiversate' means,



so how can I tergiversate?



Ahh, she'll die.




Amanda, I want to talk with you.



- Hi.

- Hi.



- I want to talk about something.

- I need to talk to you, too.



I think I should go first,

'cause it's pretty serious.



Me, too.



- Can we sit down?

- Yeah, I think we should sit.



- I'm moving to Los Angeles.

- I'm moving out.






I want to be totally honest

with you, Jerry.



I've met someone and developed

very strong feelings for him.



- You met someone?

- Yes.



- Have you been having an affair?

- No, and I don't want to.



I can't do all that Iying

and sneaking around.



- Well, where did you meet him?

- In passing.



You must have spent time with him

to have feelings for him.



We've had a few drinks, nothing heavy.

Just a few chats.



So you have been seeing someone.



I've had a couple

of casual conversations.



You slept with him?



My God, Jerry.

What do you think I am?



- Have you?

- Once. And very quickly.



I had to see if we were

sexually compatible.



I refused to let myself have an affair.



That's why I'm being so honest.

I want to be straightforward.



I'm at a loss for words.

I, uh, I...



I don't know what to say.

I'm completely taken aback.



I'll be moving out.

Everything will be clean and honest.



Mom will stay here

till Phil and I get settled.



- Phil?

- It'll only be a month,



until Phil's divorce comes through.



No. Your mother's not staying here.

I said I'm moving to California.



- I won't be here.

- That's so great!



Did you get a job out there?



Yes. Dobel and I, on a TV show.



That's wonderful.

You'll knock 'em dead out there.



Idiots who are total losers in New York

go to L.A. and become millionaires.



God, this is so much better this way.



It was unfair, the way we were living,



you having to put up with my stupid

inability to function sexually



and me hating myself all the time.



This is sad, but it's for the best.



You know what would be

kind of romantic?



If we were to make love,

just one last time.



- For old times' sake.

- I thought you couldn't.



Everything's different now.

The psychodynamic has changed.



Who knows?

Maybe we'll end up having an affair.



I did it! I did it.

I cut all the ties.



I feel free and exhilarated



like I'm falling through space.



I feel confident

and I'm very positive,



but also like I'm buried alive.

I don't know.



I'm sure once we get to L.A.

and start working...



Speaking of which,

I just bought some luggage.



What's wrong?

You sound all weird.



Where? Now?



I don't think I know where that spot

in the park is. Where is it?



All right. I'll find it.



- You're late!

- Could you pick a more secluded spot?



- Did anyone follow you?

- No! No one followed me.



- Wait until I tell you what Amanda said.

- I have to explain something to you.



Due to circumstances,

I think I should really



get away to a less conspicuous venue.

Maybe like Alaska or something.



- What are you talking about?

- You have to go by yourself.



- I'm not going.

- What?



You have the job. It's there

waiting for you. It's all done.



No, no, no.

That's not the deal.



We go as a team, Dobel.



You're grown up.

You can handle it alone.



I don't understand.

What happened?



You don't want to know.



You can't cop out

and not give me an explanation.



I've changed my whole life around.

What happened?



Just some nonsense, Falk.

You know.



The other night,

I was out of state.



Don't ask me where.

The less you know, the better.



I was trying to sell my car



to a potential buyer as a preamble

to our trip to California.



And I was coming home,

speeding a little bit.



What's the fun of having a car like that

if you can't get a little velocity going?



And I was stopped

by two state troopers.



They were exceptionally nasty,

and one thing led to another.



They made some remarks

and got physical,



and I made some remarks,

and they got a little rough,



and the next thing I knew,

they made some crack about my religion,



which I found in poor taste.



Religion? You're an atheist.



Yes, I'm an atheist, but...



but I resented the fact,

however obliquely



that they implied Auschwitz

was basically a theme park.



Anyhow, a little bloodied,

I returned to my apartment



and got one of my many weapons,

and I returned to find them.



Don't you dare tell me you shot them.



I couldn't find both of them,

only one.



As fate turned out, I located

the more porcine of the two.



How serious?



In a satirical mood,

I thought it would be amusing



if I shot him in the ass,

but it was dark and I was nervous,



and, you know,

time has diminished my accuracy.









My God!



I always knew I would use

the survival kit one day.



It's just for a period of time

until everything blows over, I suppose.



God. Oh, Dobel.






I never knew

If Dobel's story was true



orjust a plece of flctlon

he used to get me to go alone.



I never saw or heard from hlm agaln.



For all I know, he's Ice flshlng

somewhere In the Yukon.



I thought a lot about that strange,

sad, Improbable character



and remembered very fondly

our afternoons In Central Park.



In life, they'll be no shortage

of people who'll tell you how to live.



They'll have all the answers...

what you should do and not do.



Don't argue with them.

Say, 'Yes, that's a brilliant idea,'



and do what you want.



Whenever you write,

strive for originality,



but if you have to steal,

steal from the best.



And if you take very good care

of your styptic pencil



and dry it after every shave,



it'll last longer than most

relationships you're in.



The semlnal joke about Dobel

Is the old one-llner.



That even a clock that's broken

Is rlght twlce a day.



Dobel had a real sense of Irony

and would have appreclated



that I got one last,

to use hls word,



adventltlous gllmpse of Amanda

as I was leavlng for JFK.



The doctor!



I knew that doctor was hot for her.



What'd you say?



I was just saying how strange life is,



how full of inexplicable mystery.



Well, you know,

it's like anything else.



You'd be



So easy to love



So easy to Idollze



All others above



So worth the yearnlng for



So swell to keep

Every home flre burnlng for



We'd be



So grand at the game



So carefree together that It



Does seem a shame



That you can't see



Your future wlth me



'Cause you'd be

Oh-so easy to love

Special help by SergeiK