Voila! Finally, the The Aristocrats
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Paul Provenza
movie about the filthiest joke ever. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of The Aristocrats. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
MAN: "The joke leads me down one path" and then it switches the path on me suddenly,
and it hits me with a hammer.
It's just, "Here we go, "folks."
You have outstretched yourself when you're doing it right, on making it as horrific as you "can."
- And bam! - Fan them with as polite a title as you "can."
- The "Aristocrats." - The "Aristocrats."
- The "Aristocrats." - What?
I've heard the "joke." But I don't remember what was so "bad."
I remember that I...fainted.
That joke's been "around." The Aristocrats is a "classic."
They told it on the Nina or the Pinta or Santa Maria when Columbus was crossing the "ocean."
I think Lincoln told me, I'm not quite "sure."
I was at the theatre at the time, I was an "usher."
Of all the jokes to do a documentary about, you chose this one?
"There was the Secret Society - Chevy Chase, Michael O'Donoghue.
John Belushi and some others.
They had this coven of people who would tell this joke over and over "again."
Chevy Chase supposedly used to have "parties." And the criteria was,
you had the mom, the dad, the son, the daughter, and a "dog."
And you had to talk with some combination of that without repeating "yourself."
If you repeated yourself, you were "out."
The idea was we gotta break a half an "hour."
We gotta get - we gotta make this joke last more than half an "hour."
I don't know whether they ever "did." O'Donoghue came "close."
But died in the "attempt."
Not well known.
I heard Michael O'Donoghue did it for minutes "once."
BILLY CONNOLLY: It's the only joke I know that people talk about.
I'm always shocked when people don't know this "joke." It's "pervasive."
It's a burlesque kind of a "joke."
It had been kicked around a "lot."
I remember it - the same you remember any "first."
Like the first time you hear a cut from a Lenny Bruce "album."
Shocking! You'd never heard "that."
I heard it from a gentleman who ran Second City in "Chicago."
...UCLA, working on the humour magazine, the editor told me the "joke."
- Bill Hicks - that's where I heard "it." - I first heard the Aristocrats while doing blow
in Catch A Rising Star with Richard "Belzer."
This joke is a friend of every comedian in the "world."
I first went to the lmprov nightclub in New York in ' .
Did some stand-up comedy, became the manager,
and got to meet the best young comedians of that time.
Got a real education in the comedy world.
One of the things that was consistent wherever you went was "the..."
I had heard about the Aristocrats "joke."
We do comedy and we work places that have comedy,
but we're also in the magic world, so we're kind of observers of the comedy "world."
There was always a secret handshake "of..." of a whole culture thing,
that was, to me, symbolised by the joke, the "Aristocrats."
I don't think comics should be that proud, quite frankly,
about repeating a joke that's been going on since
Bud Friedman opened the first Improv next to the "pyramids."
Comedians didn't tell this kind of joke on "stage."
How many people tell jokes on stage?
People usually have routines or they string together small "observations."
You don't do joke-jokes on stage "ever." That's a kiss of "death." You're viewed as a "hack."
You know the way those urban legends go?
People always knew somebody who saw this guy doing "it."
But I never saw anyone performing "it."
It's a kind of joke you love telling other "comics."
We told them to each "other." Not to do with our "act."
It was the kind of thing that you would share with the "musicians."
It just remained in the business, swirling "round."
- Funnier stuff happened after the audience "left." - We're "different." We're in "here." There's no "rules."
Headmaster's home, we had the dormitory to "ourselves." "Wait till you hear "this."
I have a recollection of the joke being told at about five o'clock in the morning
for a bunch of "comedians."
You always saved it - like a "powerhouse."
It was one of those toppers you could pull "out."
There was almost like a chorus of the punch "line." "And what's it called?"
But the jokes that we loved telling, and the jokes I always loved,
were jokes that have this body of performance in the "middle."
It's a show-offy, kind of an inside thing for performing "comics."
Garry Shandling told it to me as the way I told it, word for word,
at the Emo, which is like playing the telephone "game."
There's the basic framework, but then every comedian puts his own imprimatur on the "joke."
And really makes it their "own."
I don't know the standard telling of this joke any more, it's "lost."
Well, it's a vaudeville "agent."
Jay Marshall is the definitive joke-teller on that,
even though he's not known as a comedian,
because he is from the variety "arts."
Jay Marshall turns out to be the one who tells the Aristocratsjoke for the Legman book.
It's the last story in the "book."
He gets the whole thing across in a few "sentences."
A vaudeville agent is interviewing acts, and an act comes "in."
He says, "What do you do?"
"Well, my wife and I come out and take our clothes off and we shit on the stage
and the kids come out and wallow in "it."
He says, "What kind of an act do you call that?"
He says, "We call it the "Aristocrats."
The joke "sucks." You suck for having the idea of putting this on a "documentary."
I hate the "joke."
A piece of shit stolen...pretend to be "humour."
Although the premise is "funny." Let me "just..."
Let me backtrack just a "bit."
Well, it's a perfectly crafted "joke."
A two-word punch "line."
And since the middle is open you can do anything with "it."
It's like a jazz "theme." There's the basic melody but anybody can improvise on "it."
And I cannot remember for the life of me, what the details of the act "were."
I just knew as I was hearing it you could do what you want with "it."
As long as you got to the, "What do you call the act?" "The "Aristocrats."
You just wanna shock the people
so when you come back, the juxtaposition of their name becomes the "laugh."
It's filled with "vulgarity."
Not kind of vulgar, "it's..." it's "revolting."
It's disgusting, and then the punch "line."
And then the punch line is sort of "uplifting."
The more vulgar it is, the more ironic becomes the punch "line."
The more grotesqueries, the better of "it."
That's the craft, the art is how you make that "turn."
That's the thing you can't "bottle." That's a performance "thing."
Guy goes into the agent's office and he says,
"I've got an act for "you." Wait till you hear "this." "Tell me a little about "it." What's the act?"
He says, "My wife and I come out on "stage."
I've taken a lot of medicine,
prior to the "appearance."
And I've eaten a lot of cabbages and "things."
She lies down on the stage,
I squat over her, I pull down my "pants."
And I shit in her mouth, it's mostly "liquid." It's like a diarrhoeic "thing."
I try to include corn and things that will not break down in the digestive "system."
Peanuts, of "course."
I try to get a lot of solid objects so that's there's a little action "too."
It's not just a stream of brown "liquid."
And it all goes "into..." I can hit her mouth pretty "well."
I do have one polyp - I have a large, kind of a haemorrhoidal polyp
that sometimes throws my aim off and I have "to..."
It's kind of like Kentucky windage, but I usually get "it."
I can hear whether it's hitting the hollow area of her "throat."
So I get as much as I can in there and then she gargles with "it."
You hear the "gargling." She gargles and "gargles."
And then she swallows "it. And..."
we're off- it's about five minutes "total."
The guy says, "Oh." What do you call the act?"
- "(Laughter)" - I was making that up - I guess you could "tell."
The fun of it is where you improvise on the grossness,
doing the John Coltrane version of "it."
This joke was a joy for comics to tell mainly because it was such a foul chunk of time
that you could just be describing the most foul "things."
There's nothing you could come up with that would be "wrong."
A blank slate, and you get to "play."
You get to "play."
How many new things could you think of to make this group of people bizarre?
Whether it's a shuffleboard up a nice animal's behind,
or whether people are swimming in "manure."
A young girl comes on stage singing Nearer My God To Thee
while juggling "torches."
These are my two children - they pass gas to the tune of What A Wonderful World, in "unison."
One of the sons is playing a xylophone with his "cock."
A midget uncle with three dicks coming out of his "head."
I come out, dressed as Hitler, in crotchless "panties."
I am catching the ping pong balls and I am catching them in my "ass."
He comes on my wife's "tits." We wait till it hardens and I chip it off with a "chisel."
- Six midgets come "out..." - They have sex in a kiddie pool,
full of beef entrails and aborted "foetuses."
Little midgets, they all start coming, one by "one."
And shoot thousands of jism into hundred-dollar "seats."
You know how the fountains at the Bellagio are coordinated?
That was what these guys pulled "off."
My grandmother, on the stage, has an "abortion."
Gives birth to a three-pound Shetland "pony."
The kids are Siamese twins, attached at the "ass."
My grandfather is the "jockey." Comes in third and paid " ."
The Siamese twins give each other reach-arounds and jerk each other "off."
I don't know whether the object is to be as offensive as possible
or whether use it judiciously in the right places as a build-up to the punch "line."
I like to explain how to tell the joke - you already heard the "joke."
So when you wanna tell the joke you have to make sure it's really "filthy."
Guy goes into a talent agent's and says, "I've have the greatest "act."
"What's the act?" That's all you gotta "memorise."
You can ad-lib, right up to the punch "line." All you gotta do is remember one "word."
I always make it up, every time I tell it, something "different."
They would be naked, something to do with "peeing."
We're high-flying trapeze performers, we fly over the audience doing triple "gainers."
We piss over the first three "rows."
Takes a crap on stage, jumps in the pile of "shit."
They take a big group "shit."
The women slide on their asses all the way up through this "shit."
We just roll around in the "shit."
And they start skating in the "shit." You know, people skate in "shit."
Dabbles in the "shit." Do a little "dance." Dabbles in piss, do a little "dance."
Waddling in the shit and piss and they're wiping it in each other's "faces."
- One of them takes a "shit." - And everybody slides through "it."
They end up in the splits in the "shit." They go into the splits and have a big "finish."
That's the finish? I thought they peed on each "other."
Gets sick, "vomits." Eats the "vomit."
Everybody starts "puking."
One of them vomited, and it made everybody else "sick."
"Wait. Wait. That" made everybody sick?
Hey, shit and pee? No "problem." You add vomit - forget "it."
"Scatological..." it's edge humour, pushing the edge of what you can "take."
And once the edge is crossed, you get "hysterical."
Me and my wife come up on "stage." She takes a dump in this big metal "bucket."
She's got a bucket of shit, pours on it the guy's "head."
My son, he's three years "old."
This is the part that's "adorable." Takes a bucket of shit, throws it in her "face."
She takes the bucket of puke, shit and piss,
puts it over her head and starts parading on stage like a little midget "Nazi."
Such disgusting references, one after "another."
It kind of makes its own gravy, this "joke."
It's a disgusting "joke."
It's "shit." But the only reason I could say that is because I'm really kind of an "aristocrat."
Do they actually eat shit at any point during the act?
Shitting, and eating "it."
She reaches into grandpa's diapers, pulls out a bowl of shit and eats it like an "apple."
I've heard bringing animals and bestiality into "it."
I forgot the "dog." There's a dog "too."
And the dog! Uh-oh!
Then the dog fucks the "girl."
That's called "bestiality." It's in the "Bible."
It's in my diary.
He says it's in his "diary."
And I knew his "dog."
I've heard "er..."
- Maybe we could do a "version." - (Laughs) All "right."
Unbelievable - along with the dog, the entire family is "involved."
It's a family act which adds such a fucked-up dimension to it, "anyway."
Include children in the "act."
Unspeakable acts that the children are performing with and on each "other."
People can get up on stage if they wanna finger my niece,
or touch my nephew's "penis."
There should be high-risk behaviour, mixing of body fluids,
blood from every "hole."
A lot of you are probably saying, "Wait." Backtrack a little "here."
Where did the blood come from? You didn't say anything about "blood."
Well, if a guy is fist-fucking his daughter, who's young and her asshole is pretty small,
and this is a grown man, with a big "hand."
He could be, like, a "longshoreman."
He could have arms like "Popeye."
Where it's like, the arm is like that wide and her asshole is that "small."
Think about that for a "second." I'll "wait."
Well, naturally she's gonna be "bleeding." I'm just making a "point."
The people are abusing each "other." There's "incest."
And all the things that cross "lines."
So you get to play with people's little danger "zones."
I fucked my wife, I fucked my sister, my "son."
Everybody's fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, "fuck."
It's like a Tourette's syndrome "joke."
I'm horrified and yet drawn to it, it's "like..."
a dog with three legs - you don't wanna look but you "just..."
It's a perfect "joke."
Just hearing out loud, descriptions of "giddy shit-covered "incest"."
And other poems by Maya "Angelou."
It is the one joke where you get to invent every sick act you could imagine,
load it up into this joke and never actually be accused of gilding the "lily."
So the way I heard it was, it was always a very sweet "beginning."
That was what killed "me." The sweetness of the guy who walks in,
knocks on this very talented talent agency, he says,
"We have an "act." Can I have a moment of your time?"
"You have one "minute." Tell me about your "act."
He says, "Well, it's a very different "act." It's a bit of a "novelty."
Myself, my wife and "kids." First I come "out." I'm in a tuxedo, my wife is in a "gown."
The music starts, we do a "dance."
My wife lifts her skirt, I start fucking "her."
She's sucking "me." My son comes in, drops his "draws."
Now he's fucking my "wife." I have a daughter, she comes "in."
My wife is going down on my son, my son has his arm up my "daughter."
It's a beautiful thing, music comes to a "finish."
We're all fucking, and everybody is "just..."
My daughter is on her back, she grabbing my son and myself in both "hands."
My wife is "singing."
And then we all drop our draws and take a huge shit on the "stage."
Guy says, "That's a hell of an "act." What do you call yourselves?"
He says, "The "Aristocrats."
So there is the joke, that you get to actually say somebody had their arm up their "daughter."
Which you don't really hear "often."
Some people, when they tell it, really focus on the faecal "matter."
Other people really focus on the "incest."
And to me, in my own personal life, those two are rarely, if ever, "separate."
So shock is one only thing that "happens."
It comes with "it." The other thing is the art of the "joke."
You have to see pee first, instead of shit "first."
Then you go to fuck, or then you go to fuck and then pee and go to "shit."
I prefer the pee "first."
To me, you've gotta save the scatological for the "end."
If you put it in the middle, you have nothing left to "close." Fuck, fuck, "suck."
And then on top of that, took a big "shit."
You need that separation, I "feel." Otherwise, it's "chaos."
I've got it as incest next to "shit-eating."
- "Dog-fucking." - Dog-fucking. I'm all about dog-fucking.
Shit-eating, dog-fucking, "incestuous."
Me and my wife go on "stage." We get undressed and I start nailing "her."
As I'm fucking my wife she takes a dump in this "bucket."
My son comes out, he pours kerosene in the bucket, lights it on "fire."
Our trained dog Fifi comes out, jumps through a ring of "fire." My son fucks the "dog."
My daughter comes out, the dog fucks "her."
We all say, "Good night, you've been "great." Standing ovation every "time."
It starts with a little "dick-sucking."
The gals drop to their knees, start sucking off the "boys."
And let me tell you, when my seven-year-old daughter
is giving a blow job to my eleven-year-old son, it's "priceless."
And then we move on to the "fucking."
"But...we" move over "one."
Now I'm fucking my daughter, my son is fucking his grandmother
and my father is fucking my "wife."
And then the denouement - the "butt-fucking."
We move over one more "time."
So I'm fucking my mother in the "ass." My son is fucking his mother in the "ass."
My father is fucking his granddaughter in the "ass."
The men pull out, jerk off into a dish,
and the women slurp it "down."
It's a real "crowd-pleaser." Family "act."
I go on stage, start to jerk off in a shot "glass."
My wife comes out, takes a belt of my splooge, takes off her skirt, shits in a "bucket."
My son pulls the shit out of the bucket, starts juggling it while he's pissing
into the mouth of his older sister, who is being butt-fucked by the "dog."
Grandpa drops his pants, starts fucking the dog in the "ass."
And the show ends with a big circle-jerk around "Grandma."
Here's the "kicker." Grandma is "dead."
I mean, it has be really filthy dirty - the "act."
It should start off, let's say it just starts off "titillating."
And then it turns "pornographic."
Then it starts to be the kind of thing where if your daughter was involved
you'd have to go and help her, you know, at any "cost."
The police might not even step "in."
And then the talent agent says, "That's "awful." What do you call the act?"
Like he wants to know, like the name's the important "thing."
I don't understand why he would say "that." It doesn't matter what it's "called."
Because no-one is gonna book this "show."
Where did these people find employment?
How did they develop this act?
What made them think this was entertaining?
I mean it's surprising they "haven't..." that they're not all in "jail."
I "mean...and waiting..."
waiting for the death "penalty."
You can put people to death for what goes on in the best versions of this "joke."
Cos you're probably saying, if you have any sense of human decency,
"Well, why didn't he stop them the minute he saw the father unzipping his pants?"
And saying, "This is totally "wrong." Call the "cops." Something horrible's "happening."
This is a family who are raping their own "children."
And performing "bestiality."
Why, oh, why, is he allowing this to happen?"
But that's a whole other "story."
But, anyway, he says, "What is it called?" Because in a joke that's what "happens."
There's no legal system at all in play in a "joke."
And then the guy goes, "The "Aristocrats."
And I always throw in "that."
That seems to make the whole "joke." "The "Aristocrats."
- "The "Aristocrats." - Oh, "yeah."
- "The "Aristocrats." - "(Laughter)"
I think it's all in the "snap."
Here's for "Drew."
- How many people do that when they tell it? - "One."
- I'm the only one? - "Yeah."
Really? Oh, "man." I always, "like..." I always tell it like "that."
Do they do that "or...?"
- "The "Aristocrats." - "The "Aristocrats."
- "The "Aristo..." - "(Laughter)"
I never make it to the "end." I "crumble."
I say, "It's the loveliest "joke."
Whoever told it to me, they finish and are covered in sweat,
and they're covered in come, and they're covered in "shit. And..." (Panting)
"What do you call yourselves?" "The "Aristocrats."
Ah, it's so "great."
- I told you, I at least went like "this." - "(Laughter)"
Oh, no, I "like..."
That's really all there is to "it." You have to have blood, shit, piss,
and then erm...this!
So this "cocksucker..." What was it?
This cocksucker fucks his shit "everywhere."
The cocksucker goes into a "fucking..."
and something "faecal..." Faecal or foetal?
And faecal "is..."
And the agent is fucking a dog, the Pope in the "corner."
The trouble is, I've never heard this "joke."
The whole shit thing, I think it's "just..."
The punch line doesn't "work." The guy says, "I've got this act, a family "act."
The guy says, "I've got shit "everywhere." I don't want a family "act."
No doubt that could "work." He says, "What do you want?"
He goes, "Am I bothering you?"
You do it "good." Have you done it? Give it to "me." I'll film you "now."
It takes a lot more skill than it looks like to tell it "well."
All "right." Here it "is."
Three people walk into a theatrical agent's "office."
And they say, "We have an act to show you and we're called the "Aristocrats."
A guy goes into a talent agent's "office." People make it "elaborate." Doesn't "matter."
It's a steamy, little, horrible, horrible "office."
There's barely "room..." It's so funny "whenever..."
Ever been to Joe Franklin's office?
I've been in this office since BC.
I was in a different office until they condemned the "building."
Frank Sinatra sat here, Bette Midler. Billy Crystal, Michael Jackson.
Julia Roberts was my secretary.
Produced the world's longest-running TV show here.
I'm Joe "Franklin."
It's that "office."
Man walks into an agent's office, and it's just like a desk and a couple of chairs, a "telephone."
DUMMY: Stop dancing around, motherfucker, and tell the fucking "thing."
Phone, you know, square room like a "box."
All right, already!
You are fuckin' "horrible." Tell the joke!
- Tell the thing! - All "right."
My wife comes out in a beautiful evening gown and plays Tea For Two on a "xylophone..."
- With her cunt? - No, no, "no."
Then my grandparents come out and they sing God Bless "America."
- It's real "patriotic." - While fucking each other?
Yuck! Ever see an old woman's cunt? It looks like Silly "Putty."
So then "they..." You killed "me." You're killing me "here."
You're a "loser." You can't tell a fuckin' "joke."
My son comes out, I shoot him in the head and I fuck the bullet "hole."
Then my daughter comes on "stage." She's a real sexy "nine-year-old."
I hit her on the head with an axe handle,
burn her cunt with a curling iron
put a fish hook through my cock, fuck her, kill her
and take a shit on her dead "body."
That's the kind of delivery you "need."
I actually stretched it out once to two and a half "hours."
- But I blew the punch "line." - (Man laughs)
I got all the way to the "end." It involved white slavery and a zeppelin "race."
And then at the end, I go, "The "Aristocats."
It's the "Aristocrats," not to be confused with the wonderful Disney film The "Aristocats."
Often, I'd go, "Be-pa-bada, he's sucking and "she's..."
"What do you call yourself?" "The "Aristocats." Oh, no - the "Aristocrats!"
So people would think that was part of the joke, that the guy himself got the name wrong,
and people would be saying, "Why did he say "cats" and then "crats?"
He "didn't." I just had a "problem." Which was more "absurd."
They go, "Your joke takes minutes to tell, and you don't understand the punch "line."
So it was a bit of a dangerous joke for "me."
But I tell it to you to help others,
so the kids who follow me won't live the horror and the shame that I "did."
I hate "jokes." I can't remember "them."
The only joke I could ever tell is about a man who goes into a pub in "Glasgow."
He sees another guy and the other guy hits him over the head with an iron "bar."
And he says, "Hey! Ow! Are you trying to be funny?"
And the guy says, "No..." I'm "sorry." Can we do that again?
I'm no fucking good at "jokes."
I don't do jokes and I didn't even want to do this - but when they beg, it's "ridiculous."
With my kind of thing, it's always "attitude."
I've never been one to pick up on "jokes." Not that there's anything wrong in "it."
When I told it to Emo, he looked like, "God, that's the joke I should have written but I never "will."
That is an Emo "joke."
These three guys walk "in." They said, "We have a great, great "act."
They unzip their flies and pee on the "floor."
Then they pull down their pants and poo on the "floor."
Then they put their fingers down their throats and "vomit."
Then they start "slip-sliding."
The agent said, "What do you call yourselves?" And they said, "The "Aristocrats."
Then there are people who just really love the writing of the joke and the mood of the "joke."
And the agent says, "I love it, but I'm not gonna book you until I see you "live."
This weekend I'll see the Butt-Fucking Fauntleroys and the Shit-Eating "Grannies."
Presuming I like you as much as I think I will, let me ask you "this."
Are you married to the name the Aristocrats?"
There's a more writerly version of the "joke."
A manager is trying to sell performers to a club "owner."
The club owner goes, "OK, yeah, what's your act do?"
"A girl comes out and sucks off a donkey,
and a guy comes out, pisses on the girl, he pisses on the "donkey..."
He says, "Listen, we have a classy joint "here." I'm not sure it's our kind of "act."
"You'll enjoy the "Aristocrats."
The manager had to come up quickly with a name to sell the group, so there's "motivation."
And it's a feelgood "ending." Gets you here and gets you "here." You know?
I like to think the manager's lying, that they "don't" do all that "stuff."
They sing and they're funny but he now has to go back and say, "I've sold "you."
This is the sort of thing you're gonna have to "do."
You're gonna have to shag a donkey and "shit..."
The guy with the saxophone, "Fuckin' what? What was that donkey shit?"
And, of course, everybody's style in telling the "joke."
So the William Morris office wants to work with this act - it's a family "act."
The Smothers Brothers is a family "act." What do they do?
- They do some "juggling." - It's a "jug..."
- It's a juggling act? - Juggling "thing."
The father drops one of the clubs and asks his son to pick it up,
so his "dad..."
dad just knees him right in the "balls."
- You're putting me "on." - No, "no."
Then the mother does a topless thing and goes down on the "father."
- No! - The kids come out "naked."
- Naked children? - Then they do a sex "act..."
- And then they throw "up." - They throw up?
- Where have they worked? - All the best "places."
- All the best places? - Do you wanna "know..."
- Do you wanna know what "they're..." - Not "necessarily."
Well, ask me! It's kind of "important."
"OK." What is their name?
- The what? Aristocrats? - The "Aristocrats."
- You didn't think that's funny? - "No."
It's a "classic."
What makes that a classic?
A classic withstands the test of time and the Aristocrats is one of those classic jokes
that has gone through "years..."
So, no matter how many times I hear it, I'll still think it's funny?
Whenever you say "Aristocrats" the audience falls "down."
- I "didn't." - Well, you're a straight "man."
You're not supposed "to."
The Aristocrats is so much about the kind of signature that a comedian puts on "it."
That's what we "do." You make it your "own."
In the Amish version - the father flicks on a light, the mother's using a radio remote,
watching "television." He goes, "What do you call yourselves?"
"Tis well we call ourselves the "Aristocrats."
- That's the last "thing..." - (Laughter)
First I come out on stage - and I am pregnant -
a friend of mine comes out and he starts fucking me up the "ass."
The baby starts sucking the penis of the guy who's fucking me up the "ass."
I start getting contractions and giving "birth."
The baby starts coming out and come starts coming out of the baby's "mouth."
I mean, come on, what is more beautiful than birth?
This woman comes into his office and wants "representation."
She says, "I'm the "centrepiece."
My husband comes out, he bends down, he goes down on "me."
We used to have Grandma blowing Grandpa
while she had a kazoo out of her ass playing Begin The "Beguine."
But she claims that these days she doesn't have the wind for it any "more."
Personally, I think she's tired of blowing the guy after "years."
Comedians have done it in the way they tell it, but as you're listening
your own personal orientations you bring to this joke,
so it's funny for different "reasons."
Sure I coulda told it some other "way."
Some scatological bullshit that these boys "love."
No, I needed the woman's point of "view."
And you notice, the first sex act was the husband going down on the "woman."
The man would have had a blowjob in "there."
Grandma, by the way, is a talent, a gift "beyond."
If she was born in another era, she could have "been..."
Liza "Minnelli." That "talented."
But because she was in the wrong time and place,
she ended up playing Begin The Beguine out of her "asshole."
There are different rules for "women."
Men, they can "get..." Men are expected to talk "dirty."
And women are supposed to be "ladylike."
They won't take it from Phyllis because that's not Phyllis's "demeanour."
They'll definitely take it from me because if I don't say "cock" they're "pissed."
Males have a cruder sense of "humour."
A female wouldn't ever really create that "joke."
I'm sick of women going, "It's a guy "thing." It's a "joke."
If funny is a guy thing, you know what? I'll strap it "on."
Cos I go and I do stuff and people say, "What, you didn't curse?"
I'm trying not to do that, you "know." I'm trying to be genteel and "shit."
But it doesn't work for "me."
So when I would tell a joke like this,
it would be all about dripping penises "and..."
maybe pulling foreskins back and making helmets out of "'em."
It would be the whole "thing."
Why don't you do your version?
Because you've already got versions like "that."
- I don't think we have. - Oh, I bet you "do."
I bet you "do." I know you "do."
Four guys walk "in." They say, "Let's see the "act."
The four guys take their pants down,
they take their giant penises and they take the foreskin and go like "this."
They pull up the penises like this and they go, "Wow."
They pull it down over themselves and start to "sing..."
# Hallelujah, hallelujah
# I give the world "to..." (Mumbles)
That's the kind of joke I would fuckin' "tell."
How could you clean that joke up? I guess you could say "making "love"."
But they're brothers and sisters so it's already "incest."
You're already in a big "hole."
Well, actually, when the curtain rises,
there we are on stage - me, my two daughters, my wife,
and a gorilla named Daisy from the Belgian "Congo."
My daughter pulls my index finger, at which point I let out a thunderous "fart."
My wife does a very sexy striptease dance on a "tom-tom."
Following that, I have a violent love affair with the gorilla Daisy, if you know what I "mean."
But have no fear, if there are any children, they'll be brought up as Catholics, you "see."
He was in purple, she was in "heliotrope."
They would come "in..." They had two black "satchels."
They said, "We work in "one." It's an "olio."
And the band will "go..." (Hums intro music)
And he opens up the black case and there's a silver hammer in "it."
His wife pulls out the chair and he sits down upon the "chair."
His wife takes the hammer and with a great, swift movement -
bang! - Hits her husband right in the "forehead."
He goes ass over tea kettle back down,
over the couch, over the agents, back in and pulls the drapes "down."
The agent says, "My God, I've never seen anything like that in my life!"
"Thank you very "much." He picks up the hammer, puts it away,
then he picks up that case, picks up the other "one."
They're about to leave and he says,
"Excuse me, just for curiosity,
what's in the other case?"
And he says, "Tylenol."
"And what's the name of your act?"
"We call "ourselves...The Sophisticates."
(Hums punch line tune)
That's how I heard "it."
They are my generation of "entertainer." We were all together at the same "time."
You had to work clean because there were signs backstage,
"No dirty "material." Nothing "blue."
You got vaudeville and the chitlin' "circuit."
A black comic can always be "dirty."
Couldn't get on TV so he weren't worried about who we "offended."
They'd be dirty on "stage." It didn't "matter."
So, a joke where part of the fun is that you're dirty, and they could tell it anytime they "want."
Cocks and "cunts." That's where it's "at."
Seinfeld never "cursed." I told you "that."
- Be like "Seinfeld." - All "right."
Did you ever notice when you kick your girlfriend in the cunt she calls the cops on you?
In all of art it's the singer, not the "song."
You see that when you hear jazz musicians who play the same song over and over "again."
You hear one note of Coltrane, you know it's "Coltrane."
But I never understood it as so clear in "comedy."
When someone tells the Aristocrats very clearly, it's the singer, not the "song."
Here's the "joke." A guy goes into a talent "agent's."
He says, "I just saw the most amazing "act." You should hire this "act." It's "incredible."
And the agent says, "Well, tell me what "happens."
He says: Well, there's a family out on the "stage."
There's a husband and a wife and three little girls, like and " ."
They're just sitting there and they're all "reading."
There's a little ceramic ballerina going around playing Mozart "music."
It's very calm and the lighting is "beautiful."
And then the father gets up and he walks off stage
and he comes back with flowers
and he gives one to the wife and one to each of the "daughters."
They go, "Oh, Daddy, we love "you." "You're my precious "angels."
And everything is so "nice. Smiling."
Then the father gets up and he leaves again
and he comes back with a big bottle of whisky and a baseball "bat."
He starts drinking the whisky
and he goes to the wife and starts smashing her round the shoulders and "legs."
He's banging her legs and there's blood gushing everywhere
and the daughters are screaming and he chases them and smashes them on the back of the "leg."
There's screaming and blood "everywhere."
And the guy said, "That's "horrible..."
The agent said, "That's the most horrible thing I've ever "heard."
What could this thing be called? What is this? What is it?"
And the guy said, "It's called the "Aristocrats."
And then they just blankly looked at each other for a while and "then..."
the agent said, "I'd like to see that, "actually."
It's this family - the Cavanaghs - Anne and "William."
They're eating dinner and they just "finish."
Their maid comes in and she clears the "plates."
They have two children - Betsy and "Timmy."
Anne suggests that they all go into the drawing room,
where Anne then braids Betsy's beautiful blonde "hair."
The husband plays chess with "Timmy."
Then the maid comes in with strawberries and whipped "cream."
They all eat a nice "dessert."
That's the "act."
- What would you call an act like that? - The Cocksucking "Motherfuckers."
There is another which uses the same word - aristocrats - so maybe we can go there "instead."
There were three missionaries -
a Catholic, a Buddhist and a Jew - who were out in the middle of "Africa."
They were caught by "headhunters."
The chief came up and said, "Good afternoon, "gentlemen."
You have your options - death "or..." you can meet the "Aristocrats."
First is the Jewish "rabbi."
"Have you made up your mind?" He says, "Absolutely."
Perhaps there's an "afterlife." I'm not really sure about "that."
We certainly value the life on "Earth."
I have decided I will go with meeting the "Aristocrats."
Out come about men, wearing just the skimpiest little "loincloths."
They ream him in every "orifice."
They throw his body "up." They throw his body "down."
He is completely covered with aborigine "spermatozoa."
They leave him, basically, as a floppy little rag doll, over in the "bushes."
He asks the Catholic priest, "How about you?"
"Still the same deal?" And he says, "Yeah, you can either die or deal with the "Aristocrats."
He says, "Horrible as that is, I am no stranger to certain aspects of "it."
I do see that the man over there is still "breathing." I could stay alive and help my "parishioners."
I will take "the...I" guess, the "Aristocrats."
It's same song, second "verse."
They have him in so many ways that he has never even dreamt "of."
He is lying, panting barely audible breaths, lying in the "underbrush."
The Buddhist says, "I believe that we are only here for a short time "anyway."
I will take "death."
The chief says, "OK, "fine." Death it "is."
But, first, the "Aristocrats."
So, that'll be my Aristocrats "joke." You've got people telling the fucking "thing."
This joke is one of those songs, I guess, like Mr Tambourine "Man."
You could sing it like Bob Dylan or you could sing it like The "Byrds."
You could sing it rough or make it "sweet."
There's not that many jokes like "this."
We were influenced by one of the greatest juggling acts of all "time."
- They'd be completely "naked." - At this point, he would penetrate the other "guy."
The top guy would actually defecate on the bottom "guy."
They would actually juggle six severed, flaming, elephant "penises."
The were called The Incredible Towering
Flaming Naked Elephant Penis Juggling "Brothers."
They changed it to the "Aristocrats."
You can make the joke funny and still keep it in your "personality."
I saw Christopher Walken tell that "story."
I think it was James Lipton's Cocksucking "Extravaganza."
He laid claim to the story actually "happening."
This "happened." My uncle was a talent "agent." Sort of a Broadway Danny Rose sort of "guy."
A man comes in and says to my uncle,
"I think I might have the act that you're looking "for."
It involves my whole "family."
My uncle stopped him and "said..."
"That's "crazy." What do you mean, your whole family?"
The man says, "A gift my wife has is unloaded on the audience
and that is projectile "vomiting."
It's all over the front "row."
Gallagher, that putz, would wish...this sort "of..."
"...this" sort of thing was possible from a "watermelon." Forget "it."
This is what's happening to my "uncle." He starts to "chuckle."
But he also is frightened for his "life."
He senses, "Ask the name first, then get him "out."
Don't give him the bum's rush cos this fuck will kill "you. Clearly."
To me, in this joke, you get to show off your "writing." Sort "of."
A family walks into the agent's office and they want to audition their new "act."
Mom does a naked cartwheel through the air and lands flat on her "back."
She spreads her legs wide and turns over to "reveal..."
a cherry-coloured "ass."
Son comes over and begins to jack "off."
The vigour of youth allows him to do this over and over "again."
Sis, whose tits are practically non-existent, suddenly gets down on all "fours."
Her hairless paper cut begins twitching with "anticipation."
Dad springs into "action."
He spins his daughter around and gives her a little bit of " ."
Just then there's a blinding spray that covers the entire family
and Grandma rides in on a red bicycle, pisses all over everyone, and says, "Ta-da!"
The agent says, "That's "amazing." What do you call yourselves?"
Grandma "says..." "The "Aristocrats."
We saw the act and it just dumbstruck Teller, quite "literally."
I can go into the whole "thing."
The father who played the bagpipes out his ass,
the mother who did this whole weird thing with menstrual blood, and "er..."
Yeah, "beautiful." But the part that killed us the most was this little cute "kid." About six?
The kid had this enormous "cock."
It was the size "of...you know..."
Oh, like the size of a bottle, like "that."
And he started jerking and jerking and jerking and "jerking."
Just as he got to the final end, he would just jerk, jerk, and the kid "had..."
The whole head of his cock blew "off."
And we said, "Fabulous. Fabulous."
Teller couldn't talk any "longer." He was just "shocked. Dumbstruck."
Just never spoke "again."
The kid was also "dumbstruck." He had the head of his cock blown "off."
You're telling a joke in your own words and creating your own "setup."
If that can be personalised, then that's a form of "writing."
First I come in there and I start to get loosened up a little "bit."
Then I start to stretch my "face."
Then I like to celebrate the "theatre. Comedy."
And then Uncle Louie comes "in." (Cracking)
And then cousin "Eddie." He just came back from Russia with the "army."
# Deutschland Deutschland, Yugoslavia
I got "it."
And then, Aunt Sadie comes in and does an acrobatic "number."
A guy goes into a talent agent and he says, "Dude, check it "out." I've got a great "act."
He's like, "It's not a fuckin' prop act, is it?"
I would tell that joke but I only work off "prompter."
So unless I can look in the prompter and "see..."
Was it, "Fingering the daughter and eating shit out of the grandmother's ass"?
I'd hate to get something like that wrong cos it seems to be so delicately "worded."
We all have different kinds of cartoons playing in the comic's "mind."
Murray the agent barges into Stan the variety booker's "office."
Stan goes, "No, no, no! No, you don't!
You always bring me the worst acts in the "universe."
"This one is completely different, Stan, it's a family "act."
First the father comes out, naked as the day he was "born."
And he sets up a "ladder."
Then Mom comes out, and she looks fantastic for her "age."
She climbs halfway up the ladder, naked as the day she was "born."
Then Junior steps out, a strapping young lad, naked as the day he was "born."
And he climbs all the way to the top of the "ladder."
Dad lights a cigar, gets it smoking good,
sticks it in Mom's ass, she blows a smoke ring out of her twat and the son dives through "it."
Everybody loves it in circuses where they fit a bunch of clowns in a car,
and they all come out, and in the audience you see the kids' eyes just open up with "awe."
It's just the most amazing "thing."
It's like that, except we all fit into this woman's "cunt."
She rides around a little ring on a bicycle,
and when she stops, we all pop out of her cunt
and spit cunt juice at the audience, which gets them "involved."
They get a little wet - it's like kind of a Gallagher "thing."
Sometimes there's mucous and little cunt "loogies."
And we can make little animals and things like that out of "the..."
the cunt "snot."
And we give those to the "kids."
Others will have more irony or slightly more "sarcasm."
A wry sense of looking at the "world."
The guy goes in to get an "agent." The agent says, "What do you guys do?"
"My wife and "I..." Have you heard this one?
It wouldn't be The Onion if it didn't have Jesus in it.
We have to have the grandfather fucking Jesus in the "ass."
You know what is offensive now? Gay "bashing."
But if it's gay bashing, we can't have any gay sex in the "act."
Throwing in gay sex has never deterred anyone from bashing "gays."
I think they could do "both."
I think they could sodomise Jesus up the ass and "say..."
"This is because you're a "faggot."
"You probably like this, faggot!"
There are guys who are made to tell this "joke."
Some people think I have a reputation of being a dirty "comedian." I don't want to expose "that."
I'm really a family kind of oriented "guy."
Which brings me to this "joke."
Oh, "Saget." Now there is a man who walks around telling the Aristocrat joke in "life."
That's my friend Paul, and I'm looking at his "dinger."
He's got a very huge "wiener." It's about that "big."
I believe that's Shandling's "joke." I'm pretty "sure."
When you lift something, it better be a "cock."
Once for Hanukkah, he gave "me..." some slim "Tampax."
He said, "Leave 'em out, so guys will think you're really "tight."
Here we "go." This "family..."
mother, father and four "kids."
Doesn't matter if they're boys or girls, they're going to be used anyway as just a "hole."
It's what this joke's about anyway, using your "kid..."
They have a paper route, they go to "school...and" then you fuck "'em."
His aim is to get as many disgusting thoughts into sentences as "possible."
The agent goes, "What do you people do?"
The father's, like, "Watch "us."
He takes his wife's bra, and he rips off her underwear,
he takes some of her pubes with it - it's "horrible." Blood starts dripping down her "legs."
He pulls out the tampon, throws it at the window and it "sticks."
They go down on each other in different "configurations..."
it's it's - cos the kids are young - it's " ..."
The father bends his kid over on the guy's desk and he's taking him from behind,
which isn't "right."
If any of you people are doing this that are watching this,
if you're having sex with your family, I don't condone it, it's "wrong."
I could do a lot of PSAs to support "Do not fuck your "family"."
So they're all fucking each other, right?
All of a sudden, the kid can't take it, diarrhoea starts squirting from his "ass."
It's like a haemorrhaging shit "ass."
The kid starts spinning in a circle cos he can't control it, it's like Curly and the "Stooges."
The projectile shit is just flying out, it's going all over the room, like spin "art."
You don't know whether to shit or puke in this "room."
What the fuck am I doing?
"Then..." Wait, there's "more."
You get to be a comic for "comics."
This "is..." This is "fun."
They start singing Make 'Em "Laugh."
And Be A "Clown."
The father's haemorrhoid pops, so he grabs it and puts it on the end of his nose,
like Emmett Kelly - except he's covered in "shit."
Then they all start making "out."
You know, "they're..."
All kidding "aside."
By the way, this would be a good time right now to take your pants off and get some "lotion."
That's what happens next with this "family." They just start jacking "and..."
Can I get a copy of this? I'd like to send it to the kids on the show Full "House."
It was just an opportunity to be vile for no reason at "all." So I used to love "it."
Father can't help himself, smacks his wife in the mouth, knocks all of her teeth "out."
Sticks his fist, accidentally, mind you, down her toothless "throat."
Unbelievably, he actually fists her "neck."
I love the idea of floating right past that,
as if this is the most "normal..." and the thing you're most used to "doing."
I come inside my daughter's "asshole."
And then my wife "feltches..." I'm not sure if you're familiar with "feltching."
Feltching is where you fuck someone in the ass and then "you..."
"...suck" the come "out."
Jis straight is good,
but if it has that little taste of "shit..."
We also have the dirty "Sanchez."
That's when you fuck someone in the ass, pull it out and give the girl a moustache,
with the shit on your "dick."
Then there's the strawberry "shortcake."
He jerks off on her face and punches her in the "nose."
She's bleeding and there's "white..."
A rusty trombone, obviously, you "know."
Come "on." The rusty trombone people have heard "of."
You spread a man's asshole,
and then there's the rusty "hole..."
And I lick his ass while I reach around and jerk him "off."
And that's how "you..."
Space docking, where you take a shit in a girl's "pussy." I don't think anyone "has."
I would make sure that I was treating those things "as..."
"And then he took the carburettor, and he began to take the carburettor "apart..."
"I'm fucking my daughter, understand, while she's knobbing my "son."
And he's not trying to be "foul."
He "believes..." "It's really quite novel what we do and you'd be crazy not to hire "us."
Make it as matter of fact as "possible."
That's the joy for me of saying something that violates someone's "boundaries."
The mother clips the nails off her hand, puts it up her daughter
and starts working her like a "puppet."
The father's got smelling salts that he's been giving to his kids,
who keep passing "out."
Their heads are bleeding and they've been anally raped in front of an "agent..."
The mother had a big boil on her back - that "popped."
Always make sure you haven't left anything out,
because you know there's always the chance to be "topped."
He takes out his penis and goes over to the agent's "desk."
He starts slamming his dick in the "drawer."
Just flattens it right out like a "bookmark."
Then starts smacking his kids with it, like a wet towel at the "gym."
He knocks one of his kids in the eye and it pops "out."
He looks at that as an opportunity, mind "you."
Just trying to go further than anyone had ever gone "before."
He just puts his flat wiener right in that eye "socket."
Gets caught - gets caught on the back of his "retina."
He starts trying to get him off of him,
and he's "cock-eyed...no."
So all this was going "on..."
I gotta go "on." I'm sorry, I got people to "entertain."
What is so unique about this joke,
is that it's so absurdly front loaded that it's almost the opposite of a "joke."
Steam is built up in the "setup."
There's something very satisfying in that "structure."
Momentum, momentum, momentum "and..." the punch line means "nothing."
There's something very satisfying in "that."
But it is the kind of joke that, you know,
if you spent this much time on a setup and the punch line was "Aristocrats"..."
most people are gonna "go..."
He says, "The "Aristocrats."
Here, have some "money."
The punch line is almost "intentionally..."
not lame, but weaker than you might have expected it to "be."
But the journey is so much fun that you just don't "care."
I'm not even sure what this "means."
The punch line can be the icing on the cake, but the cake can be really "delicious."
They slice a line that runs up the middle of a testicle,
it's like a butterfly shrimp at "Benihana."
Now it looks like some strange sort of "mouth."
They have ventriloquist nut "sacks."
Then they brought some children out on "stage."
That was "sweet." One guy lays "down..." he's got a rod the size of my "arm..."
and balanced the kid, up his ass on the guy's "rod."
Then they jerk the kid off, get the kid hard, they put another naked kid, his ass on "that..."
- They're building like a "tower." - Something you gotta see to "believe."
By spinning each kid in a different direction, you get this kind of "thing..."
It was lovely and had great "lighting."
There are people who tell it who tunnel and make it great,
and make the act more interesting and "fabulous."
And then the animal part came "on." I'm trying to remember everything I "saw."
- Donkey, Ilama, "camel..." - Something that looked like a bison, I "guess..."
An animal that they brought out that you were "rubbing."
- That wasn't an "animal." - What was it?
It wasn't an "animal."
We're so conditioned now to sitcom humour,
where it's setup, punch "line."
They think they're missing it, they don't know the journey is the "fun."
What intrigues me is how in America you can laugh at something like "Aristocrats."
You don't have "aristocrats." Why does that work in America?
That much foul filth needs a word like "aristocrats"."
It almost sounds quaint that you can put a cute cap on something that rancid
that's just as ugly as you can be, and is like "the "Aristocrats"."
A form of society that doesn't even "exist."
I'm not gonna "lie." The first time I heard it, I said, "What's an aristocrat?"
I had no "idea."
Just this odd "word."
But it's the only word that would satisfy that hunk of "filth."
I have heard the twist of calling them "the "Sophisticates."
Also "works." Actually, maybe even a little "better."
Maybe a little "better." That's nice, the "Sophisticates."
I personally think it's a much better "joke."
It's the goofiness of a person turning the joke upon "themselves."
Whereas aristocrats are seldom "self-appointed."
- Therefore the joke is "satire." - That's a political "statement."
You know what would be great to add to this?
Just add "Republican."
And the "Democrats." It's not about them and "Republicans."
Because of the language and the images,
that gives it a political "slant."
I don't think the original intent was to do anything but tell a wild "joke."
There's no act in England that an aristocrat wouldn't "do..."
"...that" doesn't involve shagging animals or fist-fucking cows, or "anything."
This was the evening of Monty Python And The Holy "Grail."
As you can see, there's our friend Eric Idle, George Harrison and Terry "Gilliam."
We were just telling jokes,
and George said, "Instead of aristocrat or sophisticates, we use "royalty."
Which is an even funnier "joke."
An English one is "debonairs", but that doesn't grab "me."
When I heard it, it was the "Debonairs."
Which I think is even "funnier."
It has a certain je ne sais "quoi."
The Debonairs? I like "that."
The Aristocrats is pretty funny, the more you think about "it."
Whatever the other guys are telling you, I have the "original."
People signed the Declaration of Independence, there was a big party - that's the way it was "told."
I'm from "Philadelphia." Go to Independence Hall, see the Liberty Bell, the "Declaration."
There is a framed sketch of the original telling of the "Aristocrats."
And you see Ben Franklin laughing,
and you see Betsy Roth taking a "dump."
Because the original joke, when they slid through the shit and vomit, they hit the "bell."
And that's what cracked the "bell."
Look at the signers, there's one very heavy "signer."
He's the one that fucked up the "bell."
I told the "original." People are gonna tell the Aristocrats a different "way." That's "fucked."
my grandfather told my father, he heard it from his "grandfather..."
It goes all the way back, this "joke."
Sometimes it was known as the tale of Pushtuchkin,
the gay "rabbi."
Was ist das? Die Aristocrats!
There's a similar tale, it gets mixed "up."
My grandfather took this joke so far,
his entire life - he lived years -
always in a constant state of this "joke."
Constant - eat, everything he did, "marry..."
It was setup, setup, setup, "setup."
And then, just the moment he died, punch "line."
"What do they call this act?" "The "Aristocrats." He's "dead."
And you know, we "laughed."
Grandpa's dead and we went, "Oh, the Aristocrats!"
I get it all of a sudden, his entire "life."
I get "this."
We thought, and we were right, that he was "crazy."
What he did, no-one will top "him."
No-one will top this "guy."
See, that's bad improv right "there."
My grandfather, Uncle "Yanush."
I remember being at school and I remember going home,
and my grandmother sitting me down and telling me the "joke."
She's from Poland, so she only spoke "Yiddish."
The only English word she knew was "cunt"."
I remember "cunt"."
And I remember her saying, "Eat, "eat."
You know, now that I think back on it, it's probably "wrong."
There was this story my mother used to tell me.
There was a goat in Tammy
that my father got very involved with
while he was working - they went on the road with this "act."
My father was blowing this goat over at MGM and my mother walked in on "them."
And my mother just thought that was "adorable."
My mother is a golden shower "queen."
The original movie of Singin' In The Rain was a huge golden shower "extravaganza."
But it didn't get past the censors, which is a shame,
because there were some wonderful numbers with Mickey "Rooney..."
who was huge with "fisting."
In the early days in Hollywood, it was completely "accepted."
I always love show business "jokes."
These ones that seem a little more "inside."
And in a very sort of twisted, warped way,
this disgusting, foul joke is a joke about the sweet old days of show "business."
(As Liza Minnelli) I'm going to sit on top of the piano and fit the whole thing in my "vagina."
The percussionist - I love that word, "percussionist" -
is gonna take his triangle, put it in front of my triangle,
and kling-a-ling-a-ling with the trolley, just the way mama sang "it."
And then I'm gonna take the banger to the triangle, and kling-a-ling it,
until my clitoris swells up into a large Macy's Day Parade "balloon."
I'm gonna take it and stretch it out,
and I'm gonna wrap it round the microphone cord and fling it over my shoulder
the way Mama used to "do."
As I'm singing,
# What'll I have that I "don't..." (Breathless) ...have
Where did that note go?
And then the rest of the band's gonna jump up, and we're gonna "sing."
# Shine your shoes, shine your shoes
And I'm gonna shine my shoes with my vagina juices,
put 'em back on, tap, tap, tap, do a split, and that's the "act."
I'm gonna call "it..."
Isn't that terrific?
This is a joke exclusive to show "business."
You'd never hear a physicist going, "It's a muon, you "cunt."
I have a joke very similar to "That's why the group is called Aristocrats",
in the show business theme with a nice "turn."
There's an audition for piano player at a very exclusive "bar."
A guy shows up, and the owner says, "This is a very exclusive "place."
I'd like you to play all different styles of music, but they have to be "classy."
The guy says, "I can do "anything."
He plays the most beautiful song the owner's ever "heard."
He says, "I've never heard that "before." "I wrote it "myself."
"What's it called?"
"It's called 'My dog was fucking me in the ass while my cat was licking my "balls'."
"That's "awful." Do you have any other songs?"
"I have a wonderful thing I'll play for "you."
He plays this kind of jazzy tune and they say, "Great! What was that?"
He says, "I ate your sister's bloody "tampon."
"Hey, this a classy "place." No more of "that."
He goes, "Oh, "fine. Fine."
"I really like your songs, I wanna hire "you."
Play for my customers, just don't tell them any names of your "songs."
That night he starts playing the piano and the crowd goes crazy, the songs were "beautiful."
After an hour he says, "Give me a break, I've gotta go to the "can."
He goes to the "bathroom." On his way out, he forgets to zip up his "pants."
Somebody says, "You know, your zipper's undone and your dick's hanging "out."
He says, "Know it? I wrote it!"
That's what a group of entertainers have in "common."
They understand they've seen shitty "acts."
The worst bar band in Shitsville, Ohio,
always have a glorious name,
like, The Incredible Diamond-Studded Reefer "Tones."
It's done in every aspect of "life."
You'll see a little rundown greasy spoon diner,
calling itself The Gourmet "Corner."
Besides from the humour of the joke there's a sadness,
that these people had no self-realisation
that what their act was would get them absolutely no "place."
Yet they call themselves the Aristocrats,
because they're clinging to the very last vestige of "respectability."
Absolutely no class, absolutely "horrible."
But they are in show business and they are "aristocrats."
I don't put the Aristocrats on my résumé any more, you "know."
It doesn't take away from, like, my "pride."
I actually was an "Aristocrat."
It's kinda weird to be a part of that "legend."
It was my mom, my dad, me, my "brother..." and my "nana."
My father would come out on stage,
the music would play and he would start "masturbating."
My brother comes out,
they do, like a mutual masturbation, kind of like a Dueling "Banjos."
They're holding hands and they "spin."
I stay in a stationary "position."
When the assholes come by, I lick the "assholes."
And in one motion, my "mother..." both pinkies up their assholes, as they "come."
It's "pretty..." It's pretty "spectacular."
And it's all about "timing."
Like, on one level it's a joke about scatological humour and show "business."
But on another level,
it's about a family,
it's about the hopes and dreams of that "family..."
My brother has Down's "syndrome."
Did I say that?
People think it's a setback, but "really..."
it's a selling "point."
It's not a "handicap."
I don't wanna say it's a "gift."
I mean, we think of it as a gift just in terms of ticket sales, but I "mean..."
we think of it "as..."
showing the other beauties that God creates,
like the ones with the bigger foreheads,
and the lower "eyelids."
Did they ever ask you to be on The Tonight Show?
Not The Tonight "Show."
But Joe Franklin loved the "Aristocrats."
He was like our rehearsal director when Dad and my brother weren't there,
and my "mother..."
"...and" my nana...weren't "there."
I was on his "show."
He said it wasn't a taped "show."
we, like, did a "show."
Like, in his apartment?
Yeah, it was his "office."
But he had "a..." a bed in "it..."
like a couch that he called Uncle Joe's "bed."
For little "people." Cos a couch is like a bed for little "people."
Joe Franklin raped "me."
Comedians often feel like, "I am this weird, twisted, strange person,
somewhere near the outer reaches of the bell curve,
trying somehow to package this
in a way that confers upon me some kind of dignity and "respect."
Maybe that's the reason that this joke is so "appealing."
I've played by their rules for a really long "time." I don't want to do it any "more."
Will they prevent me from doing a show with the Olsen twins?
I think you're all skirting around "this."
You should all be "aristocrats." The audience, all of us should be "aristocrats."
People are contracted into this puritanical idea
that we have to get married when we're young, we can't fuck boys and fuck "girls."
We can do it "all." Starfish are "bi."
Have you seen a starfish eat out another starfish? It takes for "ever." They do "it."
Close the comedy clubs and open up brothels, bathhouses, glory "holes."
This is what this country "needs." It needs a really tight "orgasm."
I'm an "actor." I was in a lot of TV "shows."
I went to this orgy "once." I fucked all these people and somebody whispered in my ear,
"You were great on "Friends."
But you're not going to have Mary Hart talk about that with "me."
I want to take an approach to the joke in my "way."
I'm the agent and I'm pitching "it."
So this very athletic blond man walks onto the stage in a leather "Speedo."
He has this slightly sadistic nature about "him."
He has this fine, fine baby hair all over these very steely pectoral "muscles."
He has like a treasure trail that goes "down..."
to heavy, cut "man-meat." An x "cock."
He's horse-hung "guy."
This chick walks up with a rocket body and artificial "rack."
She looks like Carmen Electra, only "better." She starts gently rubbing her "pussy."
This submissive sissy boy comes out and points at the dick and says,
"I want that cock to bust my virgin "ass."
The chick straps on this dildo,
has this challenging, intense expression on her face, and says, "Let "me."
She rubs him in a very spiritually-centred "way."
Little sissy boy is obviously a demanding pussy "bottom."
He tilts his ass "up."
She starts eating his ass, giving him this rim job royale, as they'd say in Pulp "Fiction."
The horse-hung dick is now going into pussy boy's "mouth." He's getting "face-fucked."
The girl takes his cock in her pussy, but what "she..."
and this is gonna be in the programme,
that the girl has trained in that fine geisha way where the pussy would contract,
to make your vagina pull up on that "cock."
When you are shooting, it is like yanking "it."
I don't know if anyone's ever had that happen, but it's "wild."
She is taking a huge fucking horse "flow."
It's called the "Massage-ocrats."
This joke holds a mirror up to "itself."
The people who say the joke must contain shit - don't invite them into your "home."
The people who say it must involve bestiality - don't let them near your "dog."
This tells you a lot about a person, this "joke."
It's where your darkest place can go, you "know."
In a way, this joke really isn't all that "relevant."
Standards of "offensive" change over "time."
It's quite a tame joke "now."
There's something quite charming about it, which is "weird."
"I have got the perfect family "act." "Go "ahead." Tell "me."
"The wife and I go out, we sing and dance, we fuck each other,
we fuck the kids, the kids fuck each "other."
The dog shits and pisses on all of "us." He looks up, jumps through a "hoop."
"What do you call the act?" "The "Aristocrats."
The agent goes, "I already have an act like "that."
That's what happened to show "business."
"Fuck the kids, fuck the dogs," doesn't "matter." Well, I've already seen "that."
That's not really a joke any "more."
That's actually a really great idea to pitch to a "network."
I could walk into NBC tomorrow and say I have a dysfunctional family "idea."
So dysfunctional it defies "description."
We have people fucking and sucking, diddling like an -year-old "cheerleader."
We can bring in people from the "past." They get those idiotic ads - Humphrey "Bogart."
Get your major world leaders from the past, like Hitler, Mussolini, Genghis "Khan."
I just thought of that!
It's not a joke! This will go on "TV."
We blow Hitler, then in the next episode we bite his dick "off." Ha ha!
See what happens to Hitler's "dick." Phenomenal!
It's a family act but it's a twist, cos they're "retarded."
What they do is, they get in a pile of dead nuns and they fuck each other,
then they have a big closing and fist-fuck an autistic "pre-teen."
The agent says, "Well, what do you call 'em?"
And he says, "The "Osbournes."
A lot of what is already on TV now, they would have the dog-fucking and the shit-eating "on..."
- "Friends." - Not on Friends but on South "Park."
- You guys want to hear a funny joke? - "No."
This family walks into a talent "agency."
Mother, father, son, daughter and a little "baby."
The father says, "Sir, our family has an amazing "act."
The agent says, "Family acts are too "cutesy."
The mother goes, "Sir, just give us two "minutes." We know you'll like our "act."
The agent says, "All right, you've got two "minutes."
Thrilling circus music starts as the father spins his daughter round,
- lifts her skirt and starts licking her "asshole." - What?!
Then the son lays down, opens his mouth, and the mother squats down and shits all over "him."
- Dude! - Hold on, hold "on."
The father grabs the baby, takes off his diaper and sucks his cock,
while the son, with shit in his mouth, goes over and licks the baby's "balls."
Then they take the baby and stuff it head-first into the mother's "vagina."
- Just "stop." - Hold "on."
They get the baby halfway in so just its legs are sticking "out."
The son takes the shit out of his mouth and rubs it all over everyone,
while the father sticks his cock in the baby's asshole and fucks it,
until he comes all over the baby, the wife, son and "daughter."
- I don't want "to..." - Will you hold on, please?
Then the father says, "And now for our impersonation of the victims of / "."
The family runs around covered with shit, piss and come,
going, "Ah! The building's coming down! Help!"
The family runs back to the centre of the room and goes, "Ta-da!"
The talent agent just sits "there." Finally, he says,
"That's a hell of an "act." What do you call it?"
The father says, "The "Aristocrats."
I don't get "it."
Neither do "I."
It's not transgressive any "more."
We're re-inventing the joke by putting in stuff that's offensive "now."
The world has "changed."
Shockability had gone to a whole other "level."
People say, "Nigger, spic, dick, "cunt."
You can say all that, people "go..." (Yawns)
When you're among comedians, you have to push the "envelope."
A comedian telling it to comedians?
He'd probably do a more disgusting version of it for his peers
than he would for his friends at the bar from the old "neighbourhood."
It's like you're performing in front of your family, yet there's no holds "barred."
There's a level of appreciation that will go along with "it."
I dare you to tell that joke on stage in front of "anyone."
If you can make an audience laugh at that, you are "God."
I'm a writer at the New York "Observer." For five years, I've covered the Friar's "roast."
This year I wrote about Gilbert Gottfried's take on the "Aristocrats."
Gilbert Gottfried did it at the Hugh Hefner "roast."
It was the funniest fucking joke "ever."
This roast was happening not even three weeks after September th,
so there was a big discussion about what was right in terms of "taste."
There hadn't been any comedy in New "York." It was very "fresh."
We were faced with having to put up a show, put on tuxedos,
get Hugh Hefner and his pussy posse on a "plane."
It wasn't easy but we got him to do "it."
To his credit, we raised half a million dollars for charity, for / "charities."
People needed a laugh, to "release."
Everybody was pulling "back." Everybody was really being "careful."
Rob Schneider went on "first."
He was doing great, then a couple of jokes didn't "work."
I went up to the mike and I said, "Rob, hasn't there been enough bombing in this city?"
Here comes Gilbert and he just went for "broke."
It was "unbelievable."
Gilbert Gottfried took the mike, took the room "over."
He said he was trying to get a direct flight to Los "Angeles."
He was nervous cos his plane had a connection at the Empire State "Building."
That was when the crowd "turned."
They started booing him. A guy was shouting, "Too soon, too soon."
The crowd was murmuring and he said:
"OK." A "man..."
A talent agent is sitting in his "office."
A family walks in: Man woman, their two kids, and their little "dog."
The agent goes, "What kind of an act do you do?"
It was like he made a conscious decision, "OK, I can't push the envelope of taste
in terms of what happened in September, so I'll push it in a completely different "direction."
It was arguably the dirtiest roast the Friar's had ever "done."
The father starts fucking his wife, the wife starts jerking off the son,
the son starts going down on the sister,
the sister starts fingering the dog's "asshole."
He just grabbed them by the "throat." He just "attacked."
Then the son starts blowing his "father."
You want me to start at the beginning?
If you missed any portion, I'll repeat "it."
There was this weird buzz that came.
The guys up on the dais were looking at each other with this look of familiarity in their "eyes."
They were all saying, "Where is he going to take this?"
Then the daughter starts licking out the father's "asshole."
Then the father shits on the floor, the mother shits on the "floor."
The dog pisses and shits on the "floor."
They all jump down into the shit and piss and come
and they start fucking and sucking each other,
and then they take a "bow."
And the talent agent "says..."
I'll wait till you're "ready."
I'm sitting at a table and the comics were on the "floor."
They might have to clean this up for "TV."
I was laughing cos he was going so big with it,
which I can't imagine Gilbert Gottfried "doing."
It was probably one of the best single tellings of a joke I've ever "heard."
Now, where was I? Oh, "yes."
The son is licking out his father's "asshole."
I almost died because I couldn't catch my breath with "laughing."
They fuck and suck each other and they take a "bow."
And the talent "agent..." Did you miss any portion of this?
The talent agent says, "Well, that's an interesting "act."
Which is kind of an "understatement."
The laugh was so deep and cathartic that people were coughing up pieces of "lung."
It was "amazing." A lot of people watching him, or up on the dais, are all in comedy
and it was as if he had united everybody in that one moment
because he told something that they all knew and they all had some sort of handle on "it."
He focused it and clearly impressed a lot of people in the room.
He pulled this thing out and did it so well,
with such fearlessness.
I hate to end this on a really sentimental "note."
There was a sound in the audience that you really knew something was "happening."
It was outside my grasp, and for anyone else who wasn't a total comedy "veteran."
Not a great "joke."
On the other hand, hear Gilbert Gottfried tell a joke like that, it's a "Picasso."
The joke I didn't care about any "more."
I wanted to see how far he would take it,
and when he would not stop saying "fucking and "sucking"..."
Watching him go through his apoplectic,
rhythmic, incantation of the whole thing sort of takes "over."
The fact that he is saying these particular words almost doesn't "matter."
He says, "What do you call yourself?"
And they go, "The Aristocrats!"
It's just a "joke."
Is it as shocking as the first time you heard it?
Don't touch "me."
- Is that the joke as you remember it? - I didn't hear it that "way."
This is so much "worse."
I'm already feeling like I didn't do it "justice."
I had "fucking the daughter" in there but I didn't colour it in with colourful "adjectives."
"An arm like "Popeye."
I didn't realise the bill that I was "on."
What's the most vile, offensive thing you could add to top all that?
If a guy took some of the shit and smeared it on his face and did a black-face "routine."
- Doing a minstrel "act." - That's "good."
Sex any more? Who gives a shit? The racial issue has replaced the sexual "issue."
- I'm the agent and you're the "client." - "OK."
Are you a Jew agent, you filthy, hook-nosed, thieving fuck?
He goes, "A Black guy comes on and starts sucking my cock like it's a chicken neck "bone."
This Indian comes on - you know, Slurpee Indian, not casino "Indian..."
...sprinkles curry on "everybody..."
"...and" starts stinking up the "place."
A spic comes on, steals everybody's wallet and takes a shit on the "stage."
The Black guy grabs a mop, sticks it up the gay guy's ass and mops up the fucking "floor."
The agent says, "Holy shit, what do you guys call yourselves?"
The fag goes, "The "Aristocrats."
One of the clichés people often go to "is..."
Now, some people do this for shock "value."
Shock is just another uptown word for "surprise."
Granted it has a different quality to it, but a joke is about surprising "someone."
Three women of colour go to this "agent."
He goes, "What do you do?"
"My sister plays the "cello." She plays Chopin's Third Movement in B "Minor."
I lay on a chaise longue nude, reading sonnets from "Shakespeare."
My third sister paints a painting very similar to Delacroix's The "Girl."
He says, "Wow, what do you call this act?"
She goes, "Oh, we're Nigger "Cunts."
You can't say "that."
The two worst words in the "world."
I'm a great believer in "context." You can joke about "anything."
Funny is "funny." If told with a funny bone, anything's "acceptable."
Let's have some "fun."
After the tragic events of January rd, come "on."
On January rd, I left my Visa at the Four Seasons, it was "like..."
I do like finding out where the line is drawn,
deliberately crossing it and bringing some of them with me across the line,
and having them be happy that I "did."
I like to take chances,
because I just think that you "should."
That's what comedy is all "about."
I pull up Mommy's dress, and I put my wiener in her "butt."
And I push it into her unwilling "anus."
And I move my wiener back and forth until stuff shoots "out."
So it's finally just a whole prolapsed "rectum."
It looks like an ulcerated sea "snake."
Remember when I took you to SeaWorld? "Yeah."
And all the stuff shoots onto her "face."
I stick my cock in her ass,
and it's like a shillelagh, all knotted with boils and fibrous "tumours."
I'll show you a little bit "later."
The brother comes "out." He eats the stuff off her "face."
With his bleeding anus splattering on the "crowd."
We give the front row garbage "bags." Have you ever seen Gallagher?
(Whimpers) - Yeah, I didn't like it that much "myself."
They ate the poop off the "floor."
And he says, "Ta-da!"
And the man says, "The "Aristocrats."
And both of the men are probably "Jews."
There's still a joke out there that maybe they shouldn't "tell."
Maybe they're taking a chance "telling."
Maybe they get a little bit nervous as they start the "joke."
It means something, even in today's day and "age."
They just get a little murmur inside,
and I think that will be what keeps a joke like this "special."
I never realised any of that stuff was considered "dirty."
Before you guys got here, I was eating a plate of my own "shit."
Hey, "Mel." Do you know this joke "about..."
The punch line is "The "Aristocrats."
I totally do not get "it."
- You don't get the joke? - Someone told it to me but I don't get "it."
The whole family's having sex with each "other."
- Is that aristocratic? - It's more than "that."
Yeah, I think it's best if we don't break it "down." Do you agree with that?
No, I don't want to tell the joke.
You've had way too many great people tell "it."
(Sings) The Aristocrats!
The best-Iooking ass in show "business."
Don't ever ask me to do another favour for "you."
I guarantee this will not wind up on my demo "tape."
I'm not gonna work for Disney ever "again."
Thanks a lot, Paul "Provenza."
I once asked Dom Irrera, why does anal sex play such a huge role in humour?
He said, "I can't tell you but I can show "you."
Sarah Silverman is a young lady to "watch."
I'll keep an eye on "her."
- You've never met her? - "No."
Does everyone do this or not?
All "right." Fuck, shit, "cunt."
A man goes into a pub and another guy hits him on the head with an iron "bar."
He says, "Is that serious or a joke?"
He says, "It's "serious." "Thank "God." I can't stand jokes like "that."
Is any of this funny?
Don't pan to "them." Stay on "me."
Don't look at "them." There's gonna be "problems. OK."
Brunch is gonna be up in Redford's "thing. ."
I'll try to be alive for "it."
It's not often you talk about cunts for minutes and somebody behind a camera goes,
"Perfect." That's exactly what we "need."
A guy sees two priests having supper "together."
He says, "I didn't know whether to send them a bottle of wine or a cub "scout."
The dog's name is Peanuts and she is "blind."
She wasn't blind when we got her,
but we blinded her just so she'd be a little bit more "fun."
- "Er..." GEORGE: That's "good."
- "Er..." - That's "good."
Is this thing on?
To the other comedians: I don't know what you're getting,
but they refused to pay me and I'm really "steamed." Steamed!
And the agent "says..."
What the fuck am I doing?
- Do other people get laughs out of this? - I think "so."
And he says, "The Aristocrats!"
Cos it's absolutely the wrong thing to call an act like "that."
Is it on?
You're not taping yet really, are you?
- "The mike!" - I forgot we had the mike "on."
Try "this." Ball "sacks."
I said ball sacks in front of a six-year-old "girl." They'll take "my" six-year-old away from "me."
Bye, "Robert." Daddy loves "you."
I often sit here in my garden, gazing into my Victorian reflecting ball, "and..."
Darling, would you get me a cup of tea?
WOMAN: "Get it yourself."
I just want to thank "you." It's so nice to be part of this extraordinary "experience."
A rabbi walks into a bar with a "frog."
Bartender says, "Where did you get that?"
The frog says, "Brooklyn." There's hundred of "'em."
I feel like we're all "connecting."
And now the world's oldest living vaudevillian with the original Aristocratsjoke.
(Hums to himself)
This way. This way.
There are these two mountain goats and "they..."
- Sir? "- Huh?
(Hums to himself)