Voila! Finally, the Arizona Dream
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring
Johnny Depp and Vincent Gallo, Jerry Lewis, Faye Dunaway, etc This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Arizona Dream. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
"Good morning, Columbus."
My mother's eternal words, reminding
me America was already discovered,
and that day-dreaming
was a long way from life's truths.
Why tell me the difference
between an apple and a bicycle?
If I bite a bicycle and ride an apple,
I'll know the difference.
But thinking about what to do made me
more tired than actually doing.
I remember my father said:
If you want to look at someone's soul,
you have to look at their dreams.
Then you'd have mercy for those
who swim in bigger shit than your own.
My name is Axel Blackmar, and I work
for the Department of Fish and Game.
Most people think I count fish,
but I don't.
I look at their souls, their dreams
and then I let them into my dreams.
People think fish are stupid, but they
aren't. They know when to be quiet,
It's people that are stupid. Fish know
everything, and don't need to think.
See, fish start out in small streams,
then I prepare them for the ocean.
When they're ready to die,
they return to where they came from.
That's my connection,
that's why I swam away to the city.
Okay, here's my job:
All I do
is temporarily electrocute the fish,
then with deep respect, I scoop 'em
and haul 'em in, one by one...
Sometimes I'll look into fish eyes
and I'll see my whole life.
It's something only fish can show us,
and I love 'em for it.
I tag the fish, measure 'em and weigh
'em, make sure they're doing okay.
If they want to talk, I always listen.
That's the job of a Fish God.
I've never caught a fish in a lie,
and I've never seen a fish
swim in the shit that human people do.
That's why I love my work,
and I love New York.
Not because my mother said it was
a place with real magnetic pull,
but because you can see everybody,
and nobody can see you.
Hey, honey! How are you?
How was Istanbul?
I'm looking for my girlfriend, Suzanne
Supak. I just spoke with her. Over.
I love you too, honey.
I miss you too, honey. Over.
Two more, please!
Pregnant? Wow! Over.
Alright, let's go.
- Have the abortion...
I'm not going.
- Come on! We're running late!
I said I'm not going.
You said you're not going?
- I said I'm not going.
I'm not going.
- You're not going?
Are you going to go or no?
Are you gonna shoot me?
- Am I? - You're going to kill me?
These things. I don't even...
It's a blank.
But I had you scared, right?
Let me feel.
You shit your pants.
"Take care of me"...
I'm fuckin' sick of it!
He's your uncle, for Chrissakes.
If he wants to see me,
why did he send you?
You know it wasn't his fault, right?
I don't blame him for anything, Paul.
I never said it was his fault.
and wants you as his best man.
You be his best man. - Why are you
like that? You're killing him!
Alright, Axel! Axel, listen.
End of story! Over!
I love you too!
I'm going to go back
and tell him I couldn't find you.
- Really. I have no choice.
Promise? - I promise.
What about a hug? No hug for me?
Axel, you smell like a scumbag!
I'm a happy scumbag. I got a nice
truck, a great job. - But you smell.
What're you gonna have?
- Two beers. - Two beers, OK.
And a ginger ale.
- Two beers and...
Forget the ginger ale.
Two beers and two shots. - Blanche?
- Who's the boss?
I am. - He is. beers, shots.
- And a ginger ale.
And a ginger ale. - Don't confuse her.
- A ginger ale please?
Anyway, Axel, I love you, but...
What? I love you too.
- Okay, well, you know... ginger ale.
That's right. beers and shots.
- And a ginger ale.
" beers and shots." What's that?
What? - That thing...
- Like a funny accent or something.
What funny accent thing?
- " beers and shots." - What?
I dunno... like New York.
Funny New York accent, huh?
Is De Niro funny? Is Pacino funny?
Is Rocky funny?
The great actors are all
from New York. - Sinatra?
Sinatra's from Hoboken, New Jersey.
Now let's toast.
Alright? It's been three years, OK?
- Three years.
To three years.
- Three years.
Blanche, ginger ale.
We don't see each other years,
and you want ginger ale.
Thank you, Blanche. - Thanks for the
ginger ale. - You're welcome, boys.
Gimme a hug.
I'll plug my nose.
Back to the dream.
The man gives the stomach balloon
to the little boy.
Pushes him out of the igloo.
While the kid is outside,
the two inside start, y'know...
Alright! Stop yelling,
we're on Broadway. Show respect.
Therefore, I know you're all
dying for a piece of wedding cake...
So I will make this short and sweet.
waiters and waitresses, I'd like to
propose this wedding toast...
- Not now, Millie.
Hey! Don't fuck around!
Cut it out!
Don't be a jerk! Cut it out!
I got an audition coming up!
You're lucky I don't kick your ass...
Cut it out! Axel!
You want me to come down?
- Come on down!
Stop shaking the ladder!
I'm coming down!
I can't believe it!
You got big on me!
You heard about the wedding?
- I did. Congratulations.
I'd be proud if you'd be my best man.
- I gotta get back to New York.
Sure... Larry, we have to make
Axel an appointment for a fitting.
Honestly, Leo, I've got to go.
It's so good to see you, Axel.
You look terrific, Axel.
I just want to show you something.
I want to share this with you.
What do you think about my Saguro?
- Nice, huh?
Let me let you in on a secret:
When a cactus is that young,
it is very vulnerable. That's why
I planted that Mesquite tree
right next to it, for protection.
If you don't see an older tree nearby
a new cactus, you can forget it.
It ain't gonna make it.
Come on inside.
Somebody's dyin' to meet you.
Millie! I'd like you to meet
my nephew Axel.
Axel, this is Millie.
How do you do?
Aren't you overdoing it just a little,
Millie? - Oh, sorry.
Come on, sit down next to me, Axel.
Lemme get a pair of pants on first...
- I'm not singing. I count!
Count the stitches!
You've been on that jacket
for a week. Finish it!
Bye bye anybody...
Sorry for interrupting
you two, but I had to get my pants on.
Leo's told me so much about you.
I guess you know
I'm gonna be your new aunt.
You're his... fiancée.
You don't have to call me Aunt Mille,
though. Unless you want to.
How old are you?
- Twenty three.
We're almost the same age...
Isn't that funny?
Remember we talked about this?
I'm sorry, Leo. Just a second.
Leo's trying to teach me
how to stop crying.
Sweetheart, go in the other room
and try on the other dress for Axel.
That'll get your mind off...
Go in the other room, sweetheart,
and try the other dress on.
It'll take your mind off crying.
It's in the other room!
- Do me the favor.
You know, Axel, my little Polish
cupcake is very sensitive...
...like the Eastern Europeans are.
But she's very nice, right?
- Very nice, Leo.
And you know how old she is?
- She's young.
Damn right. That's success.
To achieve that success, you need
to sell cars. - I don't want to.
Axel, my father had the first Cadillac
dealership in Arizona in !
He had this magnificent dream,
to sell as many cars as he could,
and stack them up until they got high
enough so he could walk to the moon.
Isn't it beautiful? - Very beautiful,
Leo. But they'd topple over.
That's what I said,
but he wanted me in the business,
and I resisted,
like you're resisting me.
I'm not resisting, Leo.
I just don't want to sell cars.
What the hell are you afraid of?
One thing I was sure of,
my uncle Leo was definitely
the hero of my childhood.
The smell of his "Old Spice" carried
me back more than the home movies did.
It was the sweet, cheap smell
of car dealers that took me back,
and made me dissolve into the past.
Leo was the last dinosaur
that smelled of cheap cologne.
And he believed in the American dream.
I was crazy about him,
because he believed in miracles.
Even though he lived inside
of life and sold Cadillacs,
he always looked like a -year-old
boy whose sleeves were too long.
Leo gave me this movie camera.
My mother always hoped
I'd become the next Milton Berle.
But dreams of houses, cars, and lawns
aren't dreams when they become real.
I understood what my mother
meant by "Good morning, Columbus."
Even if she didn't like what I was
doing, I think she'd understand me.
When I was I got this really weird
earache that wouldn't go away.
A hundred doctors couldn't help me...
So Leo went into Mexico,
and brought back this fat lady
witch doctor who fixed me right up.
I was grateful, but I thought
I might've been better off mute.
All in all,
I had a very happy childhood.
My dad, a border guard, spent his life
trying to stop people crossing lines.
For years, he'd smooth down
the road between Mexico and Arizona,
and every morning he'd be out there
looking for footprints in the dirt.
But my father always said that work
was like a hat you put on your head.
And even without pants, you didn't
have to be ashamed of your ass.
One thing I was sure about:
The moment my parents died,
my childhood was gone forever.
Leo could never shake the guilt
of my parents' death years ago.
Leo was driving the car that night.
It got so bad that he even felt guilty
if he used too much shaving cream.
Four days after the funeral,
I caught a train to New York City.
If somebody asked me why I don't
take the next train back to New York,
it's because you can't say no
to your childhood hero.
I decided to be his best man,
but one thing I was sure of:
No matter how much I loved
the smell of cheap cologne,
I was never going to become my uncle,
and I would never sell Cadillacs.
Axel, if I died tomorrow,
where would you be?
You're not gonna die tomorrow.
Who knows when I'll die?
Your mother and father didn't.
- That was an accident.
No, it was stupidity. I shouldn't
have been behind that wheel.
Please, no guilt. Please.
I'm not going to allow you
to become a bum in New York.
I want you to stay here with me.
Try it for one week.
If you don't like it,
then you go home.
Axel, make "busy." Very, very busy.
Busy, but "willing to take time out
from your schedule," Axel.
Axel, make "sexy."
Try it with your lips,
pucker them up..."Hello."
more with the lips, you know, "Hello."
Axel, I'm a gorgeous woman,
and I have big, beautiful breasts.
Now do "sexy."
No, Axel. Breasts.
You're talking art,
you're talking gravity.
You see this? - Yeah. Banana.
- Proteins, proteins...
produce a certain amount of proteins.
Well, when you see a beautiful woman,
you produce extra proteins.
These extra proteins
go directly to your brain.
Where do you get all this stuff?
- Scientific fact.
Anyway, I've figured out a way
to make it work for me.
I call it "The Gaze."
You look into a woman's eyes,
and you think exactly
what you want her to do for you.
You're an actor?
Oh my God, he's an actor!
In days, I have a gigantic
performance I'm doing in Tucson.
Maybe you'd like to come and see me?
It's an audition. - What have
we seen you in? Movies, TV shows?
Do you go to foreign films? - No.
- I'm a major star in Europe.
Yeah, foreign films.
Come here, close to me.
Feel better now?
Feel better now?
You like that?
Don't touch my face, okay?
Oh, come on!
- No, I'm not kidding.
We can make love,
but don't touch my face or my hair.
Are all actors like that?
- All the great actors are.
Do you think anybody touches
Brando's face? Or Pacino's?
Do they touch De Niro's face?
Or fucking touch Johnny Depp's face?
No one's gonna touch
Paul Leger's face, okay?
I'm missing my favorite scene...
I'm telling you, if I hear anything,
I swear I'm gonna kill somebody...
Go ahead and kill everybody!
You're the tough guy!
Kill Vicky, kill Salvy,
Tommy Como, and me while you're at it!
You're killing yourself,
the way you eat, you fat fuck!
What do you mean "kill you"?
Me, kill me!
Start here! Do me a fuckin' favor!
- You meant something.
You mentioned Tommy, Salvy,
and you included you with them.
You could have said anybody,
but you said you and them.
You've let this girl ruin your life.
She really did some job on you!
Look what she did to you!
- You fucked my wife.
You fucked my wife?
I'm not going to answer.
It's a sick question.
I'm gonna leave.
You won't have troubles in your bed,
so don't pick it out on me!
Pig, pig, pig! Here!
- Hello there.
Adrian Del Monica.
- How do you do?
I'm not seein' it.
- It's right in front of you!
Yeah, but the vibe...
It's all wrong.
Mine is a ' and it's old!
I need a new one!
I'm not giving you any more.
dollars, that's it.
Are you listening to me?
Don't even think about this, Mother!
I can look if I want to.
- Get out! You cannot pay for this.
Yes I can!
- No you can't, Mother!
We made a deal, dollars.
- I don't know, well...
How are you going to pay for this?
- With your money.
Which is half mine.
- You know what, Mother?
Fuck you! - Hello, Axel Blackmar.
- Fuck you, too!
What a beautiful dress. - I didn't
come here for cheap compliments.
I wasn't complimenting you. Sorry.
Forgive me if I've offended you.
- You break, you pay! - No.
Something wrong with it?
Yeah, it's funny.
- Thank you. That's very nice.
The undercoating looks pretty good.
The suspension is funny.
Look, the right wheel, see?
It's lower than the left. - It is.
I didn't mean to insult. I just wanted
to tell you how beautiful you look.
Are you going to sell me a car or not?
I didn't know you worked here.
Can you hold on a sec?
I'll be right with you.
Keep the daughter busy.
- No. She's my first customer.
The woman knows my face.
It's better for the sale.
It's better if I do it!
- Don't ever touch my suit.
Do me a favor,
keep the daughter busy.
Elaine, do you want to step outside?
Why's he looking at me like that?
- Oh, he's a kid. He's...
You ever think about suicide?
I think about it all the time.
I want to come back as a turtle.
Turtles are very nice.
- Yes, they're the best.
She's not my real mother.
She married my father. He's dead.
Both my parents are dead.
- You sure become your parents.
Even if they're not your real parents.
I'm gonna kill myself before that.
Really? - Yup.
- Do you think you're overreacting?
I don't have another match.
Look at my hands!
These aren't my hands.
These are her hands.
Do you like my legs?
I hate them!
Sometimes I'll be sitting,
and I'll look down,
and they're crossed just like hers.
She does have nice legs.
- Yes, she does.
What's so bad
about becoming your mother?
Just wait. One day you'll wake up,
and you'll be your father.
Wrong. My uncle is my only family.
- What does he do?
He owns this place.
- See what I mean?
My father owned the rd largest
copper mine in Arizona.
Now I own the rd largest
copper mine in Arizona.
You're an idiot if you think
you can escape it.
Don't call me an idiot.
I gave you pazzazz,
I offered you excitement,
I even gave you Waaaaaagaaanganngg!
What else could you want in a car?
Good gas mileage. That's important.
Mr. Del Monica, look at my lips.
They're gonna say:
Take your whsshht and get off my lot,
before I punch you!
Are you sore?
- Out! Out!
Buy a Ford!
Isn't it disgusting?
Hey Elaine, I was wondering...
I know we just met,
but I was wondering if the two of us
could meet for a picnic or a soirée?
I don't think so.
What the fuck was that? - What?
- I was waiting for that woman.
Why was the door locked?
- She was making a phone call.
Gentlemen, new showroom policy:
As of today,
if any customers
come in dressed casually,
they're yours. Starting now.
Clear the area.
Did you know
that the warriors in Papua New Guinea
avoid eating turtle meat before battle?
that turtles are very shy,
and if they eat the meat,
their enemies will become shy,
and run away.
Did you know that?
- Well, it is fascinating.
A Papua New Guinea story!
- It's "Papua." - I don't give a shit!
Wait! Isn't that the place where the
village boys go into the woods,
and they build a giant lean-to...
a shack. - That's right!
Then they take a woman
they've captured from another village,
and they put her inside the lean-to.
And then every boy in the village
goes in to lose his virginity.
When the last boy in line is inside,
the rest go to the shack and knock...
You know the rest?
Why do they knock it down?
Because they eat the poor bastard
who was last, and the girl.
- But they're natives. Natives.
Oops! I've lost my napkin!
There's plenty of room here.
Why don't you move apart?
Axel, tell them the Eskimo movie
dream thing. - Why don't you, Paul?
Well, I'd love to hear it!
My mother loves bed-time stories.
Go on, Axel.
This Eskimo, Dooey, is fishing...
through a hole in the ice,
and he catches this fish
with both eyes on the same side
of its head. - I'm sorry.
But is that a real fish?
- Yes, it's a real fish.
And there's a storm coming,
so Dooey gets on his dog sled,
and travels through the ice.
Grow up! Mother, now!
- Mind your own business!
...he builds a fire,
and the snow from the tree falls down
and puts the fire out.
Sweetheart, go play.
Is that it?
- No. So now Dooey is dying,
and his dog hypnotizes him,
and brings him back to the igloo,
where his wife rubs
his body with a sponge,
and brings him back to life.
It is beautiful.
What was that?
- My hand slipped. - A kid.
A kid. Beautiful.
It must give you great pleasure
to be the life of the party, Mother.
Why must you try to screw
every man you see under ?
in Papua New Guinea, it's
considered a right of passage...
I don't want to hear it!
In Papua New Guinea,
if a woman wants to go to bed
with a young man, she can.
- Stop it!
If she's older, it's okay!
If you fucking say it one more time,
I'm going to smash this table now!
Paul, maybe we should go...
- Sit down! - Go!
No! You're not invited! Go!
I think we should stay here tonight.
- No! You're not invited!
My friends can stay if they want.
You are disgusting. An immature girl
in a sagging, old body!
You're a pale imitation of a young me.
- Except I didn't kill my husband!
Tell your fucking new friends
what that's like! - Shut up!
- No, you go ahead!
Shut up, Grace!
You're disgusting! - Shut up!
- No, 'cuz I said it!
If it hadn't been for you,
he'd still be alive!
I'm gonna kill myself right now.
I'll give you a nice funeral.
I'm sure you will. But you're
not getting any of my money!
I don't care. What else is new?
Look, Mom! See?
She's taking down her panty hose.
I'm so glad I'll be dead for your
birthday! - Your best present ever!
This is it, Mom! Goodbye!
She has her panties around her neck!
You're desperate and sick, Mom.
You're sick. I can't live this way.
I don't want to live this way.
Why don't you have some dignity?
- I'm not living this way.
What do you want me to do?
- No, this is good.
What did you do that for?
I didn't bite him!
Mom! - You didn't have to hit me,
did you? Is my nose bleeding?
Grace, please don't.
Why aren't you looking, Mom?
I'm a failure!
I won't live this way.
- I've been incorrigible.
Mom, you made me do this.
- Stop this!
- Paul! Shut up! ...cowardly lion.
Grace, I'll never say it again.
- No! I promise!
You promise what?
- Never to say "Papua..."
You're so evil, Mother!
I'll fight you standing on one foot,
I'll fight you with my eyes closed!
You know when you're
just about to go to sleep,
or you're just sort of,
you know, falling asleep...
and you think you're really falling,
so you catch yourself?
That ever happen to you? You're
not falling, just falling asleep.
There you go.
When I was a little girl,
I always wanted to fly.
From the top of the house.
At night, I'd close my eyes,
and imagine I was on the roof,
looking down at my parents
in their bed.
And then I'd jump off...
and I'd fly...
While everyone was sleeping,
I'd be soaring around,
looking through their windows,
and resting in the trees.
I always knew I could,
but I never told them.
Once someone knows,
they can make you fall.
After I'm big,
I may start acting weird,
stop returning calls,
dressing all in black,
fancy restaurants, the whole shtick.
I want you to keep me in perspective.
Paul, you already wear black.
- You know what I mean.
I just can't
become a slave to my success.
I have to stay myself.
- I think she likes me.
Did you see how she looked in my eyes?
- The great Paul Leger!
I started thinking
about Paul's garbage theory, about
male organs making extra proteins
when a beautiful woman looks at you.
And if she keeps on looking,
an extra protein, so deadly
that one drop on the tip of an arrow
a fucking rhino in seconds.
I started to think
what I wanted her to think,
I looked in her eyes,
She was mine.
Paul swears that
cavemen used this deadly technique,
and that the deadly male protein
killed the dinosaurs, not the ice age.
I think he saw it in a movie,
and convinced himself it was true.
That's how Paul escaped.
And that's just what he did
the next day.
I never paid much attention
to Paul's garbage theories.
But then I realized he was right.
I felt the proteins running through
my body like broken glass.
I tried to keep the proteins busy
by making flying machines.
I've never built
a flying machine before.
were making things fly in my head.
The more I worked on it,
the more I was sure it would fly.
I just kept telling myself:
It's gonna fly.
Love hit me like an elephant,
and I was thrown
into a jungle of dreams.
Mother was wrong about magnetic pulls.
There was only one pull,
and she was lying on my back.
I wasn't "falling in love,"
because I never felt any weight,
because I was "flying in love,"
for the first time in my life.
Beautiful morning out, isn't it?
Yes, it is.
Sit down. I'll do this.
Cereal? - Huh?
I made some coffee for you.
- Great, thanks.
Did you fuck her?
My mother. Did you fuck her?
You liar! I can smell her on you.
You're not the first,
did you know that?
Could I have some milk?
She's had a lot of young ones
like you, eats you up like chocolates.
Could I have a spoon?
- When she finishes a whole box,
she sticks her finger
down her throat, and it comes back up.
You must have done well in school.
- Straight A's.
I'm kind of hungry.
- Good... Thirsty? Yes.
Two... one... go!
You ever thought about leaving?
- Only a million times.
Why don't you?
- Soon I'm going to Papua New Guinea.
Ever thought about Alaska?
- Why would I go there?
It's very beautiful.
In my dream, y'know, the movie dream?
There was a place on the Bering Sea.
It's completely flat, and really,
really quiet, y'know?
Not even the wind whistling,
because there's nothing there.
And then there's a boat,
there's the Eskimos.
- The Eskimos!
The Eskimos push their old people out
on ice floes to die! - No!
They don't do that! Elaine, I was
trying to tell you the other night.
Eskimos believe that,
even though you die,
you're never really
They believe that when
the physical suit of skin dies,
it becomes part of the earth,
but your soul...
keeps going, into other things...
or fish or rocks...
or even other people, who actually
are at that point, you.
And if you don't like what you became?
You wait a few years,
and then you turn into something else.
And love works the same way...
So like, if you and I
went down in a plane crash,
that would be okay,
because our souls would keep going.
And we'd love each other
over and over, from place to place,
because it's infinity.
And you want to go there with me?
We would love each other
over and over, for infinity.
we'll go to the Bering Sea,
we'll be in love, and we'll never die.
Never die. We can leave tomorrow,
or we can leave right now.
I hope we're not disturbing.
- What are you doing here, Leo?
Axel, is that how you say hello?
- Just hold it.
Mrs. Stalker, nice seeing you again.
Axel, get your things,
and we can get going.
- I'm not going anywhere, Leo.
I bet you're gonna come.
- Paul, hold it. - Alright.
Mrs. Stalker, if we could
just be privately for a moment?
So you're working on the old airplane?
- Don't touch it! - I'm sorry.
It's great! Great.
You should be with your sick uncle,
instead of playing with this nutcase.
You know, this whole airplane...
- What did you say?
You know what this is for her?
This is like a prescription.
The name you called her!
- Oh, I called her a name? - Yes.
What did I call her? Can't remember.
I think I called her... psycho!
When are you gonna get it, Axel?
Nothing like freshly brewed coffee.
- It's instant.
I knew that, Mrs. Stalker.
I don't like conflict. - No one said
you did, Mr. Smilie. - Sweetie.
I know no one said that I did.
But we should get down to business.
- We don't have any, Mr. Smilie.
Sweetie. Try that.
Very nice. We do have business.
I want him returned to me.
He's a man, not an object,
Mr. Smi... Sweetie.
A stranger doesn't tell
a father what a son is.
it's not me who's the stranger.
Mrs. Stalker, let me put it this way:
You see that ' Coup de Ville?
- It's a ' not a ' .
I beg your pardon, it's a '
and although it's very nice,
it needs suspension work in the front.
- The suspension is perfect.
Fine. Then it needs a new alignment.
Did you come here to give automotive
advice? - Though an older model,
it still has style.
- Sugar? - I never use it.
Now imagine if you will,
a brand new Coup de Ville,
fresh from the factory,
sitting alongside your ' .
The beautiful lines of the older model
lose their elegance. The body sags,
the finish is dull. You wash it,
wax it, but it's still lifeless.
- Mr. Smilie...
There isn't a thing you can do
to make it new again!
Those two automobiles do not
belong together. Am I clear?
No, the only thing that's clear,
Mr. Smilie... - No! Sweetie!
...is that your attempt to insult me
with car metaphors is incredibly
immature! - Immature! Right!
You could be his mother!
But I'm not,
Mr. Sweetie, I'm his lover.
And I must tell you, your nephew
is a wild animal in bed.
Perhaps you might ask him for lessons.
I had hoped his sexual awakening
would've been with someone who
knew the difference
between making love and fucking!
Come on! Coffee break is over,
fellows. Back to work!
Come on, Paul! Axel! Come on!
- No! I'm not going!
Paul, grab the other arm!
I'm gonna kick the shit out of you,
Come on, Axel! - You don't realize
how angry... - Just come along!
I'm really mad!
- Hands off him, Mr. Smilie!
Elaine, you can't shoot me,
I have this performance on Friday.
It's an audition.
It's not a performance.
It's an audition.
This is ridiculous.
I mean, Mrs. Stalker,
we've said a lot of things, and some
were half kidding...
Why don't you put down the gun?
That I understand.
That makes sense.
No more of that.
Axel, don't forget, Friday at : !
Yes, get in the car! Go back
to where you should be!
I knew if Paul saw me,
he'd never understand
that going to Papua New Guinea wasn't
the answer. Flying was the secret.
Columbus wouldn't think I was crazy
for building a flying machine,
because history is all dreams.
No rules or books. It's just there,
waiting to be discovered
like when Columbus found this place.
I don't know if he found his dream.
Fuck with me, now!
Because in the middle of a storm,
you can't turn back, like Elaine.
She could only sail straight ahead.
If she asked me to build a rocket,
and take her to another galaxy,
I'd build a rocket.
Very nice! Good.
Excellent! You finished now?
- No! - No?
- You just finish.
To remember my dreams,
I turn them into stories.
But dreams are like life.
You can't catch them in your hands,
because you can't really see them.
If you believe in your dreams,
no tornado, volcano or typhoon
can knock you "out of love,"
because love exists on its own.
Listen to me,
if you ever touch this machine again,
I'm going to kill you!
Being caught in the dream of two
women is the craziest storm of all.
The battle isn't good and evil,
but between weaker and stronger.
The weaker is desperate for air.
At this moment, my feet were
planted in the ground like a tree,
and if you moved to one side,
you become the storm.
Even though I was ready to kill Grace,
I wasn't sure which side I'd move to.
So I tried to anchor myself
until the storm passed.
That's the second time.
- What is?
Where were you two minutes ago?
You smashed the flying machine again.
Because I don't care. - Liar!
- I was here. - Prove it!
How? You see me playing, right?
To my turtles. - Why's your hair wet?
- Because I just took a bath.
You like these turtles? - Yeah.
- If you want these bastards to live,
stay away from that flying machine.
- I'm scared. - Are you scared?
- Are you scared?
D'you think it'll fly?
- I'm more than sure.
Let's do it then!
I can't wait any longer.
Sometimes you have to
crash into a tree to know what to do,
and realize the secret of anything
My English teacher
talked about this Russian guy,
who said that if you see a gun
in the first half of a book,
you can be sure
it'll go off in the second half.
Somebody was going to use that gun.
The minute I saw the revolver
in the barn,
I started getting nervous, because
I realized it was the revolver
from my dream.
Never did I think I'd be an Eskimo
in the desert, knowing
I had to kill something
to put it out of its misery.
Suddenly, it was all clear to me,
like wiping the window in the rain.
I was afraid if I didn't do anything,
at any moment something would blow up,
So I decided to do it,
just to keep from killing myself.
The only problem was
that they were both so miserable,
I didn't know which one to shoot...
I've been waiting for you.
Are you gonna use it?
Don't talk to me.
- Do it!
What are you afraid of, Axel?
Do it, Axel, do it!
- Shut up!
What are you afraid of, Axel?
- Shut up!
Do it! - Please shut up, Grace.
- Do it! Do it! - Shut up!
If you're not going to shoot me,
sit down on the bed.
You didn't come to shoot me. You came
to make my mother happy. - Don't talk!
Axel. - Turn around!
- You know what, Axel?
I had a friend just like you.
When we were little,
we would rollerskate on my huge roof,
and I each time
I would get closer to the edge,
and he was standing behind me,
and wouldn't let me go over.
I have a game for you.
Old game, strict rules.
It's your turn.
You don't say no to this game.
Okay, I'll go.
- It's a game, Axel.
Stop! Don't do it!
My mother's sleeping.
Okay, Axel, Look. Look at me!
- Fuck you!
Here. Take it.
I don't want it.
What are you, afraid?
- No. I just don't feel like dying.
That's not fair.
- Not fair?
You came in to kill me,
and we're playing a game,
and you're breaking the rules!
Axel, what are you,
this frightened little boy?
You afraid of everything?
Axel? You're just afraid, huh?
You're just a little boy,
you're so scared.
Take the gun!
You can't do that!
That's breaking the rules!
Lt'll be okay.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen!
Our next act, Mr. Paul...
Leger. Paul Leger.
- Paul Leger!
Hello. My name is Paul Leger.
You may be wondering what Leger means.
You may be wondering
what kind of name it is. Italian?
it's French, and it literally means,
"Born to act."
And that's what I'm going to do
Alfred Hitchcock style,
performing from the classic,
"North by Northwest."
The famous scene
in which Carey Grant is...
being chased by a crop-dusting plane.
Thank you very much, Paul Leger!
- I'm not done!
I'm not done!
I'm not done!
A one? One? I was brilliant!
Can't you see brilliance?
I should have got a ten!
A one! A one! On amateur night?
Axel, I really have to talk to you.
- Hi, Millie. Sit down.
A one? What do you know about art?
- Can we go over there? - Sure.
Elaine. This is Elaine.
This is Millie. - Hello.
This is Grace.
Grace, this is Millie.
Where is he, Millie? Leo!
He's over here.
He's locked himself in the bedroom.
Leo, can I come in?
- Open the door, Leo!
- Go away!
Let's go inside.
- Alright. One... two... three!
Millie! Get an ambulance!
Shouldn't I say something?
- To who? - Your parents?
They're dead, Leo.
I know that,
but should I say something or not?
Don't talk like that. You'll be fine.
- I know, I'm gonna be fine.
Promise you'll take care of Millie.
- Don't say that!
Don't talk, just promise.
Alright, I promise.
Good, now that that's taken care of,
I want you to...
buy yourself a few nice suits
and go back to New York.
I want to stay with you.
I want to sell cars.
I don't want you to sell cars!
You'll grow up soon enough!
I am grown up, Leo.
I love you.
I'm okay, I'm just...
just stacking cars.
I need you to help me.
It's too late.
They're not driving
the big models anymore.
Leo, we can work in the showroom,
we can sell cars together,
you and me.
Too late, Axel, the dream's over.
- I've been practicing my "Hellos."
You want to hear my "Hellos"?
I got to start climbing.
It's a long way, Axel.
It's a long way to the moon.
You never came back.
There was a lot of legal stuff
to take care of. I'm sorry.
So not even a phone call?
I know, Elaine. I just
got caught up in what was going on.
I'm really sorry.
I wanted to call a thousand times.
I'm really sorry.
So you just decided to pop over
for a quick cup of coffee?
You can just waltz over here?
- Please, it's your birthday tomorrow.
What do you care? - My uncle died.
I'm sorry I didn't come sooner,
I had to take care of the funeral.
- There's no sympathy here!
Is that okay with you?
Please, let's celebrate your birthday.
What do you care?
You know what you should do?
Turn around and go back.
Just go back
where you came from, OK?
How's Millie, huh?
Where are you going?
- What did you just say? I should go.
Are you going? Are you just going to
go now? How long are you going for?
Are you going forever?
- Do you want me to stay or go?
I want you to go!
- Fine! - I want you!
I want you to come!
So what do you want to do?
You want to go or stay?
I want to stay.
I don't think you need this right now.
She'll be okay.
She just gets like this.
Alright, but I'm not
staying in there tonight, okay?
It's going to be okay...
Nothing is going to be OK!
I brought you a present.
I don't want it!
- You don't even know what it is!
Elaine, you don't know what it is.
Come on, Elaine, please. Take it.
I don't want it.
- It's a present!
Thank you for the wad of paper.
- It's two tickets for Shishmaref.
It's right on the Bering Sea.
Train tickets? - Yeah. - You expect me
me to go all the way to Alaska
by train? - You said you didn't want
to fly again... - No, I didn't!
Yes, you did! - No, I didn't!
- Yes, you did! - No, I didn't!
I want to fly there.
I'm gonna cancel the train tickets
and make a plane reservation, okay?
- You think I'm old, don't you?
No! - Yes, you do.
- Don't tell me what I think.
That's why the train, you're ashamed!
- No, I'm not! I'm going to
trade these tickets in.
- I don't mind. You're right.
I'm old, you're young.
Just stop it!
- Can't you find someone your own age?
Why me? - I want to be with you!
- I don't need your pity!
It's not pity, Elaine. I'm trying
to give you love. - Love!
What do you know about love?
- What do you know? - You're a child!
What you need is someone sweet...
- Like who?
She's like Switzerland,
beautiful but dumb. - Listen.
She was my uncle's fiancée.
I don't want her. I want you!
This is crazy! - Ronny used to
say that, and Grace still says it,
"Take your medication, Mother,
or you'll be crazy."
But he hurt her,
and I killed him,
and I'm not crazy!
- And I'm not your husband!
Do you understand?
You are fucking crazy! - Get out!
I'm not damn leaving!
- Get out of my house!
You asked me to stay!
- I did not! I want you to go!
Go! - I'm fucking tired of this game.
What do you want?
What do you want?
- I want you to understand me!
You know something?
- What? - Paul was right.
Paul was right?
- Paul was right.
Paul was right?
You listen to him?
What did he say?
Not a fucking thing!
- I'm going to find out... who I am.
You're going nowhere!
Where are you gonna go?
Let me go!
- Elaine, come on, you're not crazy.
Show me you're not crazy!
- Let me go!
I don't think you're old. I think
you're beautiful. Don't say it again.
Let me go!
- Get out of my life! - Put it down!
Put it down!
- Get out of my house!
I can't believe she did it!
I'm going to fly!
You fucked my wife?
You fucked my wife?
Listen! That is Mexico!
This is America.
We speak English.
- Yes. - Look at his face!
What do you mean?
Paul, will you quit it?
- I'm having a nightmare!
You're distracting her.
She's trying to fly the plane.
- This isn't happening!
I hate this film!
Life is beautiful.
I think what you did is beautiful.
I'm sorry about your uncle.
Yeah, me too.
Where d'you think he is right now?
He's probably on the moon,
driving a golden Cadillac.
Life is beautiful.
it would be really bad if...
I kissed you?
You want to hear it?
I'm sorry. - Are you going to listen?
- Yes. - Alright.
Elaine is like a blueberry pie.
The pie is good, but it's very messy.
She's a kind of trick. - Oh my gosh!
- Let's say she's a blueberry pie.
She looks good. She smells good.
Probably even tastes good,
but there's one problem:
When you take a bite, you've got
pins poking you in the mouth.
Choking you in the mouth.
You understand what I'm telling you?
Good boy. Do you understand?
Do you understand?
- Yeah. - Okay.
with pies and bananas
and Q-tips and...
I'm an artist.
You're a bullshit artist.
- Bullshit artist, artist, whatever.
Art is art.
- Axel, it's my birthday. Dance?
I was right.
- What time is the train for Alaska?
You mean the plane?
- No, the train.
Didn't you fly all day?
You can't take that all the way
to Alaska, it's too cold.
I don't want to fly there.
- I already changed the reservations.
We have to take the train. It's safer.
So you want me to
switch the plane reservations
into train reservations?
- Yes. - Okay.
Stairs, stairs, stairs...
Axel, here, here.
Don't touch me.
Watch my face.
- Watch my face. Wait.
Tree and table!
I can't see nothing. Axel!
I can't see!
Wait for me!
I found it!
She found it! - Here!
- She found it! - Wait for me!
I found it!
Come on, I found it!
- Axel! I can't see nothing!
- Where are you?
Here? Okay everybody?
Come on, it's raining.
It's fucking raining!
I'm coming over, mom!
Here we go! Happy Birthday!
- I love you. - I love you!
- I love you.
I'm going in!
Did I tell you about when Axel treated
me for my st birthday dinner?
My good pal? - No.
- Can I tell her the story?
Or would you like to?
- Go ahead. - Anyway, he decided
he was going to take me out for dinner
and pay for it himself.
He'd saved up some money.
We go to this restaurant.
This place we used to go with Leo.
We drove up there together...
and we had this great big meal.
I knew it would be expensive,
but he said, "The sky's the limit."
After dinner I went to the bathroom,
and when I come out,
I see him standing by the door,
and he looks unusually nervous.
And the waiter is standing by
our table, flapping the check,
kind of pointing at the check.
And I look at Axel... - You coming?
I go up to him,
"What's going on? Did you pay?"
Will you help me wrap the presents?
"You said you were paying."
He made me bring no money.
I say, "Whaddya mean
you have no money, Axel?"
Next thing I know, we're being chased
by our waiter,
who was fifty, but, like, mean...
I want you to have something.
- Uh huh.
- I want you to have the world.
I was thinking about what you said.
- What did I say?
That I was supposed to be with you.
- Hand me that tape?
When I first met her I felt something,
kind of strong.
I didn't know what it was.
I didn't know what to call it.
Now everything's turned around,
and she's like...
She's like this cloud
that I can see through,
and on the other side I see you.
And I feel something very strong.
I think I know what to call it.
That make any sense?
Put your finger here?
Yup. What do you think?
- About us, kind of...
Will Paul like this lamp?
He'll love it.
What do you think?
I think wrongs don't make a right.
- Meaning us. Two wrongs.
What if we're two rights,
and everybody else is wrong?
Either way, we're going to be screwed.
- But screwed together.
I wish I could take you with me.
- Let's go right now! No trains,
no planes, no fucking doors.
We'll go right out the window!
I have to take care of some business.
Last night I dreamt I'm in the desert,
and my house is tied around my neck,
and my body's breaking under its
weight, and it's engulfed in flames.
The flames are climbing the rope, and
they almost reach my neck, and before
they do, I wake up, and I know
that I have to get rid of this house.
I want you to promise me something.
When you're done with the house,
we can go away.
It's a funny story.
I have a lot of funny stories.
Here they are!
Is this is for me?
You bought this for me? Very nice.
You open yours first.
Look what I got from her.
I feel like a clam, right?
I've always wanted to be a big
sea turtle. They're always happy.
How do you know that it's happy?
- Because they're always smiling.
Turtles don't smile.
- They do. - They don't.
I don't think turtles smile.
- They do, and they live forever.
Who wants to live forever?
I'd like to die when I'm .
You want to die when you're ?
- Yes. - How?
How? I'd take off all my clothes and
get into a bathtub of ice-cold vodka.
I'd have the TV in the room,
watching "North by Northwest,"
when the airplane scene comes,
I'd pull the TV into the tub.
I hate that film!
I'd like to die as a little girl.
I'd go up on the roof
and jump off, and I'd be flying.
I'd look down and see all the people,
but instead of falling, I'd just fly,
higher and higher.
What did I get?
What is this thing?
- Lava lamp. - Nice.
Axel, what about you?
- It's very nice.
I'd like to be...
I'd like to be thrown off a cliff, and
my body could smash into the rocks.
But I wouldn't want a lot of people
at the funeral, looking at me.
You'd be smashed up. Why would you
want them to look at you? - I don't
want to be in the box,
people staring at me.
You'll wind up living forever.
Grace, what about you?
Me? I'm not gong to die.
I'm going to live forever, until one
day I'll wake up and I'll be a turtle.
- Good night.
I love you.
Good night. - Why "Good night"?
We just got by the fire.
We're having a good time.
- I have to get up and do things.
Stay a little while.
- Come on.
- Okay, I'll see you. "Good bye."
Come on, Grace!
Is something wrong?
Did I say something?
Axel, I'm tired too.
- In the middle of the song!
Are you coming, Axel?
- Yup. Good night.
Just leave me in the middle of a song!
I had a great moment!
Go up and sleep,
leaving me soaking wet here!
Good night, Paul. - Night, Elaine.
Wasn't that a funny story I said?
What do you know about funny?
Throw your dinner on the floor.
No one wants to cut the birthday cake.
Well, I'll cut the cake, thank you.
Happy Birthday to me!
Happy Birthday to Paul!
That's me! Paul!
Looks like she left about
candles off the cake.
Enough, guys. Enough!
Stop! Come on.
I've got to work.
Time is money. Have a drink.
You need a drink.
Go home, suffer with your families.
Suffer like animals!
Why do I have to talk to four
fake artists? That's my day!
...big deal, and there was something
in it for me if I could help him out.
He said you were being
tough on the negotiations,
but if they could get
a little help and close the deal fast,
it'd be good for the family.
- Do you believe that?
Do you believe that? - He said
there was something in it for me!
On my own!
- I've always taken care of you.
Taken care of me?
You're my kid brother!
You take care of me?
You ever think about that?
You ever once think about that?
Send Freddo off to do this!
Let Freddo take care of...
...some Mickey Mouse night club.
to pick up somebody at the airport!
I'm your older brother, and
I was stepped over! - Pop wanted it.
It ain't the way I wanted it!
I can handle things, I'm smart!
Not like everybody says,
I'm smart and I want respect!
Tell me about the investigation.
The Senate lawyer,
he belongs to Wroth.
you're nothing to me now,
not a brother,
not a friend.
I don't want
to know you, or what you do.
I don't want to see you in hotels.
I don't want you near my house.
When you see our mother,
I want to know a day in advance,
so I won't be there.
I don't want anything happenin' to ya,
not while our mother is alive.
Grace! No! Grace!
For the last time, I heard a voice
that wasn't my mother's,
whispering, "Good morning, Columbus."
It didn't bother me. Then the voice
became lower and turned into a wind
that sent the peaceful smell
of cheap cologne.
And I realized, like Columbus, I had
to live in a world of cheap cologne,
and I wasn't sure any discovery
in America was possible anymore.
Smoothing roads and counting fish
it prepared me for the ocean...
I don't know why, but my father's
words jumped back into my head,
that work was like a hat on your head,
and even if you didn't have any pants,
you shouldn't be ashamed of your ass,
because you had a hat.
And even though my uncle Leo
worked for everything he got,
I'm not sure he got what he needed.
Elaine and Grace
were really one person,
too big for one body, no matter how
much they loved or hated each other.
After the storm,
I couldn't say life was beautiful,
but all I kept hoping for
was the Eskimo boy in my dream
to run out of one of these doors
and hug me.
Though I no longer felt like a fish,
and realized I knew nothing,
I was happy to be alive...
What a wonderful fish.
- What a wonderful fish!
We have to catch it today.
We will catch it today.
Do the eyes start
on either side of the head?
Yes, it's a very strange fish.
When it becomes an adult,
one eye moves across, joins the other.
Why do they do that?
- Maybe it's like a...
A badge of maturity. They passed
through the nightmare. - Nightmare?
that separates children from adults.
We got it! We got it!
We got it! Slowly.
Don't move! Don't move!
Look, its color changes to match
the ocean floor. - Camouflage.
If one Arrowtooth Halibut
sinks on top of the head of another,
the bottom one doesn't make a fuss,
but waits until the other one moves.
I wouldn't like anyone to sit
on my head. - You are still young.
One eye begins
to move to the other side.
Then it's better to have both eyes
on the same side? - No. Different.
What do you lose?
Your other side. You lose something,
but you also gain something.