Baby Geniuses Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Baby Geniuses script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the super smart babies movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Baby Geniuses. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Baby Geniuses Script





He's out.



- What do you mean, he's out?

- Sylvester. He's escaped.






Maximum alert.



- Damn it.

- He's been spotted on the mezzanine.



Secure outer perimeters!

Alert topside!



Initiate probers! Move!



He's exiting the building!

Move out!



There he is!

Nail him!



He's heading for the maze!

We've got him!



Cut him off!

Toward the fountain!



There he goes!

He's headed back!



Coming back toward the fountain!



He's approaching the fountain!

Seal him off!



We've got him.



Be careful, if he's dangerous!



There's nowhere to go, Sly!



Give it up!



Security, go.



The rest of you, come with me.



Check the perimeters.



Nice try, pal.



Take him.



Stop him!



That'll be quite enough, Sylvester.



There you are, Doc.



He nearly made it this time.



Tomorrow you will explain

how a mere toddler manages to escape...



from a laboratory

   stories below ground.



What kind of kids you breedin'?

Nearly blew us away with karate.






Once again we demonstrate

the superiority of the Kinder method.



Take him to the secret lab.



Analyzing voiceprint.



Review project in summary form.



Twincomp is designed

to prove the superiority...



of the Kinder method of child rearing.



To accomplish this, two years ago

twin brothers Sylvester and Whit...



were born to a specially selected

surrogate mother.



Director of Operations

Dr. Elena Kinder...



then arranged for baby Whit to be

adopted into the home of her niece...



and her niece's husband,

Dr. Dan Bobbins.



Baby Sly was placed in

the Babyco Hyperdevelopmental Habitat...



to be raised under the guidance

of the Kinder method.



Summarize operational protocol.



It is imperative for the integrity

of this experiment...



that no one ever discover

that Sly and Whit are twins...



especially the boys themselves.



A comparative evaluation of the boys

will occur by age  ...



to establish conclusively

the superiority of the Kinder method.



Updating experiment log.



Last night Baby Sylvester made his way

up    stories undetected...



escaping from his habitat in the lab.



Even though it now appears

that Baby Sly cannot be controlled...



I'm sure Dr. Kinder will be pleased by

this display of skill and intelligence.



I, however, remain apprehensive.



Under the guidance of its chairman,

Dr. Elena Kinder...



Baby Geniuses Inc.

and its parent company Babyco...



are the world's largest manufacturer

of products for the baby.



Babyco is also

a vital charitable organization...



which sponsors orphanages

in ten countries around the globe...



the latest one dedicated just a week ago

right here in Pasadena.



Today we are deeper

in Dr. Kinder's debt...



for the great gift to our community...



Joyworld, the world's largest

indoor amusement park.



Ladies and gentlemen, I give you

the founder and CEO of Babyco...



my friend, Dr. Elena Kinder.



Thank you. Thank you.



I'm gonna break out.



You can't get hives just because

your aunt comes into the room.



I can't help it.

She starts lying, I start breaking out.



Ladies and gentlemen,

thank you all for coming here today.



We at Babyco believe that babies

have a language of their own...



and we're dedicated to proving it.



Our research in infant potentiality...



is the model of the field...



but, in the final analysis...



the simple answer as to

why we do what we do is...



we love babies.



"Loves babies."



Loves money.



All right, ladies and gentlemen,

let's have a party.



Welcome to Joyworld.



The park, of course,

will be free for all children...



but the monies we collect from adults

will go to...



the Babyco

Worldwide Orphanage Foundation.



Is this a terrific lady, or what?



This is great. She does a lot of good.

You gotta admit that.



She's good at stealing your ideas.

That's what she's good at.




Has anyone lost a baby?



A very big baby?



Ladies and gentlemen, Baby Bunting!



That looks exactly like

your illustration.



That looks like Boo-Boo Boy

from chapter two of Baby's Good Day.



Baby Bunting came into this world

just last week.



Everything is fully controlled...



by our computerized command center.



Hiya, fellas!



Go to crossover mode.



Okay, Richard,

give me Baby Bunting vocal.



- What's your name, little girl?

- My name is Erin.



Oh, what a sweet name.



Give Baby Bunting a big hug.



And cue burp now.



Well, think about changing his diaper.



Come on, honey, this way.



Kids! Good news!



Robotic Santa and the robotic elves

are waiting to greet you...



at the robotic North Pole.



In fact, we have robotic entertainers

located throughout the park...



all controlled

from our central command center.



Let's cue up for Robo-Zoo.



And here we have the world's

most unique animal farm.



We call it Robo-Zoo.



Each child gets a remote control...



so they can control

their own robotic animal.



Doctor, why wouldn't you have

real animals in your zoo?



Good heavens!

Anybody could do that!



A plastic zoo.

That's definitely Aunt Elena's idea.



At least she could've introduced you.



She steals from your book.

She steals from your research.



I'm flattered.



She knows you're about to make

a breakthrough in infant prelanguage.



She'll probably try to steal that too.



She's not Attila the Hun.



Honey, we're barely able to afford

your research facility...



not to mention

the nursery and preschool.



She does this all the time.

It's just not right.



- I think she's just goal-oriented.

- Her goal is to take over the world.



Believe me, I know. I've lived with her

for more than half my life.



And look how great you turned out.









Where are you going

with those children?



What children?

These are plumbers.



They're gonna help me fix

the kitchen sink. Good luck kiss.



With this house,

you need more than luck.



Let's get to work.



Just as you thought.



The baby girl's line

of expandable infant clothing...



has elicited a tremendous response

in our first research pass.



Huge numbers from Kmart and Wal-Mart

shoppers, where penetration is weakest.



That should increase our market share

dramatically. Put it in production.



Heep, of the new ones,

how many possibles?



- Eight show potential.

- Eight out of five hundred?



Elena, statistically, genius occurs once

in       individuals.



We expected to discover only five

geniuses from the Pasadena orphanage.



We've got eight.



Don't tell me

how well we're doing.



Our orphanages and secret labs

are costing us     million a year.



The sole purpose of these orphanages...



is to allow us to cull out

the geniuses, the natural leaders.



- We'll do better.

- I'll settle for more like Sylvester.



Look what he did last night.



All our emphasis has been on keeping

the world out of the secret lab.



No one ever considered the possibility

of a baby escaping.



Just look at this wonderful world we've

created for our babies to grow up in.



Why would anyone

want to escape from here?



The one who did is in the work station,

no doubt planning his next escape.



Hello, Sylvester. Hi.



- What's he constructing?

- We don't know.



He does all kinds

of extraordinary things.



Yeah, for all kinds

of extraordinary purposes.



Just look at that intensity.



There's no other baby like Sylvester.



- Well, maybe one.

- His twin, Whit?



Mayday! Mayday!



Whitley, where is helper number one?

Give me the lug wrench!



Whit, hurry up! Go!



On the double!






Listen, you monkey!



This is a monkey wrench.



Plumber's helper number one,

you're fired. Get out of town.



What is that terrible noise?



Noise to us.



But we've had the computers

analyzing every possible permutation.



What we hear as incoherent noise

may actually be a musical masterpiece.



Listen to our computer's interpretation

of Basil's playing.



That's remarkable.



It has all the complexities

of a symphony by Haydn or Beethoven.



If that's the case, it's possible

that what we hear as baby talk...



is actually conversation.




And look at this.



A child writing on a pad, right?




After checking

several hundred languages...



we found out they're writing the ancient

and forgotten language of cuneiform.



Not only do these babies speak their own

language, they understand all others.



Now watch this.



Subject one speaks...



and we immediately see activity

here in the lower limbic region...



while subject two, as he listens...



is active in the forebrain.



There's no doubt they are conversing.

We just don't understand them.



The instant a child begins to speak

in any known language...



the limbic activity ceases.



- As though they forget.

- Exactly. Bobbins was right.



What if the limbic activity

is not merely speech?



What if it's stored knowledge

from an early parent gene pool?



Passed from generation to generation.




Every baby might know

the secrets of the universe.



- This would be a great breakthrough.

- And revolutionize the human map.



If we find the key to the human mind...



every child will be educated

in the Kinder method.



Every great mind will be ours to mold.



Let's get them all

into the amphitheater.



Hello, my little baby geniuses.



What are we discussing today, hmm?



Could it be

postmodern ethical construction?



How about...



the mechanics of human knowledge?



My little Sly one.



Ah, Sly, tell me...



what are you thinking, huh?



Come on.

You can look at me.



What are you thinking?



What are you saying?



Enlighten me, my little Einstein.



What do you think?

Should I enlighten her?



She won't understand.



She doesn't speak our language,

but go ahead, have fun.



Lead us through the wilderness,

my little warrior.



All right, all right, that does it.



Listen, Doc, if you're gonna talk

out of your ass all the time...



maybe you should wear a bow tie

on your butt.



Bow tie on her butt?



On her butt?



That's disgusting, Sylvester.






You may think because I don't

understand what you're saying...



that I don't understand

what's going on.



Don't be too sure about that, honey.



Yeah, right.

And don't call me honey.



Okay, Sly-man: one.

Dr. Kinder: zip.



- You're always busting her chops.

- Are you kidding?



Give me a break.

She's Darth Vader in a skirt.



Dr. Kinder's our benefactor.



Because of her there will be

a new order, and we will be its leaders.



Don't have a cow, Basil.



Why do you talk like that?

Your syntax is atrocious.



It's because he watches television

all the time.



How does he do that?



He converts the monitors.



You oughta all watch TV, check out

the real world, like Jerry Springer...



and have fun.



This is exactly what Dr. Kinder

is trying to overcome.



Moral decay.



Now you sound like Heep.



"Discipline, discipline, discipline.



Reward and deprive.



Give the babies a crumb,

take it away.



Like Pavlov's dogs...

hold up the bone, the doggies salivate.



If they behave,

give 'em a little gristle."



If you don't like it,

why don't you just leave?



Yeah, he'll just take the next bus.




You're such a weasel, Basil.



Nice face, weasel.



You fool.

Dr. Heep is watching.



Don't mess with the Sly-man, Heepster.



We're back!






Where is he?



Carrie? Whit?



The kids aren't here?

Wait a minute.









Whit? Is that you?



What's this mess?

Look at all this water.



No fraternizing with the help.




Carrie, look at you.

You are soaking wet.



And look at Whit.



You two go for a swim.



Uncle Lenny and I

are gonna have a talk. Okay?



This water, is it dangerous?



Oh, please.

The power's out, anyway.



The power's out. Great.

Where's Dickie?



I don't know.



Nice do, Dickie.



You look like Mt. Pepto-Bismol

just erupted.



Pink is cosmic, all right?



For the last time, my name ain't Dickie.

It's Ice Pick.



- Would you people get that straight?

- Ice Pick.



I love the creativity and imagination

that you've displayed here...



but no matter how outrageous

you act or dress...



I'm not gonna fire you,

so give it a rest.



Love you, pal.

Grab a mop.



He could use that pink one

he's got on his head.



Don't worry.

He's just acting out.



We'll bring him 'round.



Why are we doing this again?



I promised Dan's brother

we'd get Ice Pick through one job...



without getting canned.



Wish I could afford

a makeover like that.



These are the bills

that have to be paid this month...



but this baby is actually a check

made out to your business...



for    big ones.



Dollars, that is.



- Great.

- You should collect from these stiffs.



Their kids spend more time here

than they do at home.



What about Aunt Elena? One ring off her

finger would pay for this place forever.



That being said, I'm resigning,

effective immediately.



Ice Pick. Ice Pick. I like that,

but it's a little commonplace.



What about Ice Pick the Great...



or Saint Ice Pick...



or the Great and Powerful

Wizard of Ice Pick?



Very funny.

Seven on a scale of     .



Hey, Nose Pick,

why cut new holes in your body?



Why not close up some of the old ones,

like your mouth?



What is that, an old hippie joke?



Wrong answer.

Don't any of you kids try that at home.



Margo, don't pull on Dickie's earring.

Grow up!



- Yeah.

- Ice Pick is right.



Auntie Elena should help.



We're not supposed to call her "Auntie,"

just Elena.



What's it matter?

They can't understand me.



He does so much good.

I wish we could help.



I tried.



I gave him that idea subliminally

about adding on a wing.



What's that do?



It'll increase their disposable income

by a factor of four, at least.






Honey, did you hear that?



- Tell me you heard that.

- What?



Whit just said, clear as a bell,

"By a factor of four, at least."



And I understood it.



This is so great.



It was in their language, of course,

but that was the phrase and the words.



- "By a factor of four, at least."

- Beats "dada."



Wait. I've got it on tape!



- He's got it.

- Let's go see it.



Oh, boy. Home movies.



He understood our language.



- Uh-oh.

- Uh-oh"?



- Is that all you have to say?

- Okay, okay, let me think.



He's gonna want us to explain

the secrets of the universe.



That could be a real problem.






Well, you're in trouble again,




Now go to sleep,

or it's Valium for you, pal.



There you are.

You got that lock thing?



- If you mean the security bonder, yes.

- Yeah, right.



Okay, Sly-man.



- I've got that surprise I promised you.

- Let's see you get out of here, Houdini.



Dumb and Dumber.



Lock and load.



Say "cheese."



You are currently experiencing

technical difficulties.



What the hell?



It's too easy.



What do you got?



Temporary loss of transmission

in quadrant four.






You're out.



Come with me.



I want to, but I'm too scared.



I'll take you to a mall.



A mall? Really?



I can't.



Wait a minute.

I heard something. You better go.






Take care of yourself.



I'll miss you.



Quadrant two's down now.



Don't be late, babe.



Five... four...



three... two... one.



Diaper express, right on time.



Diaper gravy.



Well, give me liberty

or give me death.



Not exactly aromatherapy.



I should have taken death.



Oh, yeah, well, there it is,

in plain English.



I know it sounds

like baby talk...



but he is saying,

"By a factor of four, at least."



How can you tell?



It's like this language that I used

to speak, and I've just forgotten it...



except for once in a while.



I believe you, honey.

Really, I do.



- Can I go home now?

- Yes, but remember one thing, Nosebleed.



Dennis Rodman can afford

to look like roadkill.



He gets    rebounds a game.



Sweet dreams, robo-entertainers. I don't

wanna hear any snorin' down there.



How were the crowds?



Twenty thousand screaming maniacs

disguised as kids. How do you think?



We had some glitches

with Baby Bunting.



- Bring up his schematic.

- Coming up.






World's biggest video game.



Looks to me like the tracking software

needs to be recompiled.



If you don't have any dirty diapers

for me, I'll get back to work.






- Come on, kids.

- He tries so hard.



Yeah. I hope when I go over and speak

their language, I remember to thank him.






When you cross over, you won't

remember anything you know now.



Hey, wait a minute.

I got a great idea.



Have you said "Dada" or Mama" yet?



Nah, that's so stupid.



I've decided the first time I speak...



I'm just gonna quote

"The Gettysburg Address" flat out.



No, you gotta say "Dada."

Say it! He'll go nuts!



He'll call Mom,

and they'll both go nuts.



I don't know.



You gotta say it.

Come on.



Okay. I'll do it.






She said "Dada."




She said "Dada"!

I got it on video!



I can't believe I missed it.

She said "Dada"! Where is she?



Oh, my little sweetie!

Oh, my little doll!



Told ya.



Watch this.






She said it! She said it!



She did! She did!



What are you feedin' those kids?



Too much.



- Happy trails.

- Okay, kiddo. Take care.



Diaper gravy.






Wow. This is awesome.



Where are the chicks?



Hasta la vista, baby.



All right!

Look out, world! Sly-man's here!



The night is young, and so am I.



Diaper gravy.



- Having that strange feeling again?

- Yeah.



Like somebody's calling me.






It sure happens a lot.

What are they saying?



I don't know, but it sure is scary.



Whose little boy are you?



- Whit, what's wrong with you?

- What is it, sweetie?



Hey, come here, Whit.



Did something scare you?



Come on.



- Let's take you upstairs.

- It's almost bedtime. Let's go.



Down to the last person

on the cleaning crew...



you have passed the most stringent

security check ever devised!



Each of you receives salaries ten times

that of similar positions elsewhere.






Because you are a part of

the most momentous experiment...



in the history of corporate

research and development.



You are entrusted with that knowledge...



and the responsibility

that goes with it.



And you have failed that responsibility.



Now, I don't care how or what you do.



Get Sylvester back.



Yes, sir, you're someone's

little boy, all right.



There's gonna be a reward,

and I'm gonna be the rewardee.



I'm gonna take real good care of you.




Hell, forget reward!



Let's talk ransom.

Yeah, that's what we'll do, bub.



Ransom and easy street.



And if they don't come through...

Well, let's not think about that.



Looking good.



Come back when you're ready

to play in the bigs.



I gotta get a disguise.



Good evening.



What are they looking at?

This is a fashion statement.



Did you see that?

It looked like a kid.



- Uh-oh.

- That's a baby!



This disguise sucks.



Yo, taxi!



Hey, babe, where're we goin'?



Since I can't walk, I guess we're going

wherever my mother's going.



Hey, is that friendly?



What does this look like,

the welcome wagon?



I got a problem.

Take off your clothes.



Okay, slick, but at least

you could take me to dinner first.



A comedian. Yikes.



Who designed this dress?

Larry, Moe and Curly?



Call me.



Oh, no, it's Elena's goons.






Don't forget, I'm listed.



Merry Christmas, eh, Marty?



- See you tomorrow.

- Okay. Good night, Bob.



Sure glad she wasn't wearing heels.



One umbrella one

Two umbrella two



- Let's go up into the zoo

- Good night.



There you'll see a horse that's blue



A big old steed with one white shoe



And a zebra and his stripes

playin' bagpipes



Sleep tight, you guys.



There we go.



We'II stay with them till you come up.



- Why don't we have another one?

- Another what?



- Baby.

- I tell you what.



You carry it four and a half months,

I'll carry it four and a half months.



- Deal?

- Deal. Let's start now.






Oh, honey.



We adopted Whit because we thought

we couldn't have children of our own.



Then we had Carrie,

and she was our little miracle baby.



Miracles could reoccur.



Let's not talk about that right now.



Maybe next year.



Sweetheart, love of my life...



father of my children...



did you tell Mr. Wilson

we wanted a $      loan...



for a new wing?



Oh, yeah. That.



- I meant to show you something.

- We're   months behind on the mortgage.



We have to go to the bank Monday

and beg.



I know.

Just look at some numbers.



Right now we get $    a month for each

baby in the research program, right?



- Right.

- Right.



If we take in ten more babies...



we'll qualify as a Chapter   

research corporation...



and then we get $    a baby.



- Nine hundred.

- That's right.



So, the ten new babies,

our six...



That's $      a month,

$     a month for the loan.



Even with more help we'll still be

operating above break even...



so we can do more research,

take in more babies and lose less money.



This is amazing.

This actually makes sense.



- Yeah.

- Wait a minute.



You don't have a single cell in

your entire brain devoted to business.



How did you come up with this?



Actually, I don't think I did.



I think it was Whit.



- Whit told you this business plan?

- Yeah...



Not tell, exactly.

It was just... It came to me.



When I was working with him...



it just kinda jumped out of his brain

and landed in mine.



I went through the pamphlets.

It works.



- Kid knows his business.

- Yeah.



Got some better news.






'Twas the night before Christmas...



and all through the house...



not a creature was stirring...



not even a mouse.



Or a kid or a toddler.



Okay, Charlie,

they're all out for the night.



Lock it up.



Sly's in the house!



King of the mall!







Didn't bring my credit cards.



Shop till you drop!



Video games!

My kingdom for some video games!



Baby Guess!



I can get out of drag!









He shoots, he scores!









Yo, yo, yo!



- World Facts for    .

- Answer: Daily Double.



You're very close to the lead.

Donna is ahead, but you're $    away.



- I'll wager $     please.

- All right.



Here is the clue in World Facts.



Discovered by David Livingstone...



Botswana's Lake Ngami lies

in the northern part of this desert.



What is the Kalahari?



- What is the Gobi?

- Wrong part of the world.



What is the Kalahari in Africa?



That takes you to $    .

Pick again.



Do you think we've lived before?



I don't know, honey.

That's your area.



The Tibetans believe that

when we're born into our next life...



we retain universal knowledge

for the first two years or so...



then we learn to talk

and we forget it all.



- They call it crossing over.

- I'm trying to do a crossword puzzle.



- Universal knowledge can wait.

- No, no, no, just think.



What if our babies have

all the answers to life?



I'd settle for the answer to    Across.

What was it Miss Muffett sat on again?



Her tuffet.



What the hell is a tuffet, anyway?



You got me.



When you tap into universal knowledge,

you find out and let me know.



Lexi, you should've been here, kid.



What, you never heard

of Weight Watchers?



Diaper rodeo! Diaper rodeo!



On your mark! Get set! Go!



Hold on, sweetie.



- Here goes Old Faithful.

- Sprang a leak!



Come here, sweetie.



- Holy smoke!

- Time!



Hey! Rotator cuff injury!



May the wrath of Shiva

descend upon you.



Stick to your rapping, Ice Shtick...



and leave the wisecracks

to the people with IQs over   .



It's not rap. It's a mantra.



Hey, junior, I was chantin' mantras

before you were born.



You were chanting mantras

before Buddha was born.



That's pretty good, Dickie.



Christmas shopping.

Pray for me.



- Want me to take the kids?

- No, no, you can leave Carrie.



I'm gonna run some stats.

Okay, come here.



You're gonna love it.



- Car.

- Oh, that's a car.



You can't have a car for Christmas.

It's a little too expensive.



Well, maybe a little dinky car

would be good.



What the hell was that?



I think I just had a kid.



Babyco One, he's been spotted

in the mall. He's heading your way.



Uh-oh. Busted.






Right in there,

and then up to the tunnel. Go on.



We're on him.



Psst! Hey, buddy.



Come on, kid.



Give it up.



I hope you got a kick out of that.






Whittie, you there?



Over here.






You still in there?



Where'd he go?



What was that scream?

Was that you?



Hey, sweetie,

what are you looking at?



I thought we dressed you in overalls.

That's strange.



Oh, my little sugar.



Are you scared again?



Come on.

I know what's gonna cheer you up.



Mommy knows.






Could this be guilt

for threatening our great work?



Put him down.



I want you all to see this boy who has

jeopardized everything we've worked for.



Serves him right.



Go talk to your computers, Basil.

They understand you.



They don't like him either.



All right, Sylvester,

go to your room.



We'll settle this later.



Oh, for heaven's sake!

Someone get him out of my sight!



I've never seen him like this before.

You go run some of that off, honey.



Watch out for that rope.



I gave him a couple of slurps

of my ice cream, and he just went nuts.



Dan, come out here!



I don't know what you're feedin'

that kid, but where can I get some?



How does he do that?



Sugar high. You should've seen him

at Baskin... Robbins.



We've been banned for life.



He seems okay.



I'll have a talk with him.



What is wrong with you?



I'm the executive director

of a madhouse.



What's wrong?



Nothing ever scares Sly.



I just want him to stop crying.



She's still upset, honey.



It's all right.

Just go to sleep, Carrie.



- You'll be all right.

- Okay, there we are.



You sleep tight.



First Whit, and now Carrie.

Must be contagious.






Night, guys.



Had any of those weird feelings lately?



- What?

- You heard me.



Lighten up, will ya.



You're not my brother.

You fooled my mom and dad, but not me.



What do you mean?



- You're not my brother!

- Don't be dumb.






She's gonna be trouble.




I'll be watching you.



Wanna swing? I'll push ya.



I don't want to.



Why don't you tell us what happened.



I was at the playground with my mom.



- With your what?

- He's delusional.



You're such a putz, Basil.



Ignore him. Go on.



I climbed up the slide

and I bumped into this other kid.



When I got up, it was me.



What do you mean?



The other boy.

He looked just like me.



- What's your name?

- Whit.



Oh, boy.



Don't worry, Whit.

It'll be all right.



Dr. Kinder will take you back

to your mother.



She'll do no such thing.

Don't you see?



Dr. Kinder arranged for the Bobbins

to adopt Whit for just this purpose.



A twin progressive

comparative experimentation.



What's he talking about?



We don't know, and we're geniuses.



It means Dr. Kinder

let that quack Bobbins raise Whit...



while she raised Sylvester...



to demonstrate the superiority

of the Kinder method.



Wait till she finds out

the twins have been switched.



Then she'll realize

she has an opportunity...



for a living cross-evaluation.



He's at it again.



Obviously, Sly,

swine though he is...



is superior to this Whit individual.



Gee, thanks.



- She wouldn't do that.

- Do what?



Keep a child from his mother

just to prove her theory.



Oh, really?



Get Dr. Kinder down here.



Tell me, who is this?



That's Sylvester.



His brain synapses fire at a rate

of about    percent above normal.



So, that's Sly, right?



Well, look at this little person's







Compare it to this voiceprint

taken from Sly last week.



Oh, my God.



Oh, my God, no.






those imbeciles!









You idiots!



You imbeciles!

You morons! You cretins!






- You...

- Traitors.



No, not idiots.






you wonderful...



brilliant assemblage.



You have given me

the greatest gift of my entire life.



Our own living cross-evaluation!



Told ya.






Give them all a raise!






I feel so warm and motherly.

I think I'll go visit my darling niece.



And the mother of the year is?



Start the comparative tests on Whit




We'll see how Sylvester's doing

among the peasants.



How can she do this?



Don't you understand?



Dr. Kinder is acting

for the greater good.



Maybe it's all right for us,

but Whit has a mother and father.



What's wrong with you?

She's not gonna keep Whit forever.



Yeah, sure, Basil.



This is Dr. Kinder

we're talking about...



not Dr. Frankenstein!



- Teddie, what is it?

- I feel funny.



What's wrong?



She's crossing over.



She's gonna be

one of the grown-ups now.



Don't worry.

This is the way it's supposed to be.



We'll all cross over soon.






Don't go, Teddie.



My God, look at that.



Exactly two years old,

and the limbic activity is slowing down.



The frontal lobes are taking over.

We were right.



Will she remember us?




She's one of them now.



We can't be late!



They're late! They're late

for a very important date!



Your mom and dad are trying

to save the farm. Hip-hip-hooray!



Sweethearts, thank you.



Thanks, all of you.



Here, you take her.



My little angel.



Who's there?

Let's go to the door.



Come on, kids. I'll make breakfast.

Witch-shaped pancakes.



Still getting your help from

the work release program, I see.



Give Dr. Kinder a nice big kiss!






Very nice.



I love coming to this house.



There's something about it

that's so...






- We were just going out.

- You were going out.



How is Whit?

Is he talking yet?



Two days ago we had some communication

in prelanguage talk.






- We caught it on video.

- On video.



I've translated

several whole sentences.



Whole sentences.



I have a wonderful idea.



Why don't we take Whit

down to the lab?



We can skip a step or two with your gift

of prelanguage and our technology.






- Slow down, pal. What?

- Don't do it.



- What? What did he say?

- He said, "Don't do it."



That's ridiculous.



- What are you saying?

- They've got Whit.



Wait a minute.



Who's got Whit? You're Whit.



- Go on.

- Can't.



That's it.

That's all I'm getting.



Isn't that amazing?



I'm must be running along.



I have some serious important matters

I have to attend to.



Good-bye, Whit.



- Hives. She's up to something.

- What is going on with you today?



We've got to go. Margo!



- You okay, sweetie? You look sad.

- We do have to go.



Carrie, go back with the babies.



Get me Dr. Heep

on the phone immediately.



I don't care what he's doing.

Get him on the phone now!



I want two of our best men

sent down here now.



No! You idiot!



Listen. Dan is beginning

to understand both of them.



And if he does, we go to prison.



We must have them both.

We can't switch them.



I just want you to rest here

a minute, okay?



Here we go.

There you go.



Margo will be right back.



Dickie, keep an eye

on that boy.



- You want to tell us about it?

- Yeah, I guess so.



What now?



You have to ask?

It's the power.



If this house was a dog,

we'd have it put to sleep.



Would you look at that?

The sun is setting in that boy's pants.



He wishes.



Nice work.



- Real classy.

...So I'm fired, right?



Fat chance. Change your shirt

and check on the babies.



A lot of Van Gogh in that kid.



- His ear is still intact.

- You're weird.



Check on the power.



You just let them take your brother?

It didn't bother you?



It bothered me.



There wasn't anything

I could do to help him.



Water and power. This property may be

the source of the power outage.



- What can we do to help?

- We need access to your hookup.



- Check the basement. I'll look upstairs.

- Show these men upstairs.



- Who is that?

- Elena's goons. They're after me.



The bedroom. Hurry up.



What's a goon?



How long have you been

into self-mutilation?



Everybody needs a hobby.



- How many bedrooms on this floor?

- Four.



- On the third floor?

- Five.



Do me a favor.

Tell my partner I need a hand.



- All right. Keep an eye on the babies.

- My pleasure.



Brilliant, Dickie. Why didn't you

just stuff me in a suitcase for them?



Close the door.



You must be Sylvester.



I heard about you

and your karate.



I'm a black belt.

Care to try me, son?



Oh, no!



I'd be too scared.



I guess you expect me

to step over this ski.



Then you'll jump on the end

and the end will hit me in the gonads...



and I'll scream, make a funny face

and fall down the stairs, right?



You've been seeing

too many bad movies...



'cause I'm gonna step around this ski.



Just how stupid

do you think I am?



Pretty stupid.



I bet that felt good.



What happened?



Sly kicked him

right in the forbidden zone.



What's going on?



Looks like a work-related injury.

I better go see what happened.



Tough guy, huh?



Well, you're about to meet

your worst nightmare.



Goon, that is some lame dialogue.



You really think

I'm gonna walk over that ski...



and you're gonna jump on the end...



and that ski's gonna come up

and hit me in the gonads...



and I'll scream, make a funny face

and fall down the stairs?



I don't think so.



Cross your legs and smile.



You don't mess with the Sly-man.



Driver, Babyco right away.



I want the laboratory stripped.

Disappear. Understand?



I want bare walls.



You told me that Whit

used to get weird feelings.



Yeah, like someone

was calling him.



I think that was me.



All right, everybody.

Sit on the floor in a circle.



- Sit on the floor in a circle?

- What part don't you understand?



Bare walls! I want this place stripped

in three hours!



Suppose he does break through?



Nobody else can understand Sylvester.

Who's gonna believe Bobbins?



Don't be an idiot. He only has to take

Sylvester to where the twins were born.



Be careful!



And ask for a handprint validation.

They'll know they've got Sly, not Whit.



My niece will have a search warrant...



and half the police force here

in less than an hour!



Bare walls in three hours!



- Move it!

- Get a move on!



- What's he doing?

- He's not being returned to his parents.



I don't believe it.



Not Dr. Frankenstein, huh?



She's gonna move him tonight,

and we've gotta help.



- They're coming.

- Who's coming?



Sly and the kids.

They're coming to break us out.



- When?

- Tonight.



We could cross over at any time,

and then she wins.



Either you're with her

or with us.



I'm with ya!



Basil, decide. Decide now!



Let's kick butt!



He's with us!



I think we've got company.



Come on. A mind's

a terrible thing to waste.



Come on, troops, move it!



- What are we gonna do?

- We're gonna train.



We're going on a train!



- Up, down. Up, down.

- This is pathetic.



Hut, two, three four.



You call those jumping jacks?

More like jumping jerks.



Stop! Stop!






Hold it!



This isn't working.



What do you expect?

We're geniuses, not ninjas.



Dig deeper, guys. I need warriors.

Now, move out.



Under the net!






Move, move, move!









Let's concentrate.

Okay, one at a time.



One at a time!



This is harder than I thought.






Absolutely perfect!



We have to use our secret weapon.



What's that?



Duby, what is it adults

fear most about babies?



- Dirty diapers!

- You're wrong!



They make those stupid faces

when they change our diapers.



Dirty diapers. That's funny.



It's our intelligence.

We have to use our intelligence.



That's it.



Everybody, follow me.



Everybody, take your places.



Move it!

Malcolm, take the flank.



Joey, over here with us.



- Sly, do I have time to go potty?

- The potty?



You're wearing the potty!



- Put it on hold. This is more important.

- Easy for you to say!



You are in my power.



You will obey my commands.



What are you trying to do?



I have a theory that grown-ups remember

our language in their subconscious.



If I'm right,

I can hypnotize him.



You are in my power.

You will obey my commands.



Before I take the babies home,

I will drive to Babyco.



Everything depends

on my driving to Babyco.



You are in my power.

You will obey my commands.



Let's see if we've really got him.



Lenny, raise your arm.



All right!



Make him stick out his tongue.



Stick out your tongue.



Make him wiggle his tongue.



Okay. Now wiggle your tongue.



Make him pick his nose.

Go on.



Come on, make him pick it.



That's gross!



- Do it.

- Yeah. Make him pick his nose.



Pick your nose now!



Pick it!



When I snap my fingers,

you'll wake up.



Lenny, wake up.

Time to take the kids home.



Get their jackets on them.

We leave here in    minutes.



- Lenny!

- I'm up!



All right, move out.



Where is that boy?



Boy, this is not your lunch break!



All right, Ice Pick, hop to it!



Carrie, aren't you coming?



No. I got a job to do here.



I don't know

but I've been told



Eskimo girls are mighty cold



Dr. Kinder is a son-of-a-gun



Got cooties and she weighs a ton



One, two, three, four

One, two



Three, four



We got it, Margo.

Where is everybody?



Whit? Whit?



You got what? An eviction notice?



No. We got the whole ball of wax.

The loan, everything.



We'll find out tomorrow.

Where is everybody?



They're delivering the kids.

And Carrie's having a snack.



Is everything okay?



Something weird's going on.

I got a bad feeling.



Hi. Mrs. Dexter?



He hasn't?



Randy hasn't gotten home yet.



Okay. I'll get right on it.



Yeah, okay. Bye-bye.






Mrs. Walters.






I know. We're checking into it.

It's probably a flat tire.



I will phone you back.



I'm gonna phone the bus.



Bobbins' bus.



Lenny, where are you?



We have a vitally important errand

at Babyco.



What did he say?



He said they had a vitally

important errand at Babyco.



Dickie was kinda saying it

along with him.



Like a song-and-dance team?



I don't know.

They sounded like robots.



What kind of errand

could they have at Babyco?



What is it?



Hello? Yes, Mrs. Skylar.



I think she's trying to tell us

something about Whit.



He's in the bathroom?



What are you trying to tell us?



He went off with a duck?



- What is it, sweetie?

- Babyco.



Hello. Mrs. Alvarez.



Concentrate, Daddy.



You can do it, Daddy.

You can do it.






- Go on, I'm getting it.

- Connect with your inner child.



Try harder. Danger!



- What?

- What?



Whit has a twin brother called Sly?



He's the one who's been here

for the last two days.



- What?

- What "what"?



Sly and Whit got switched

at the mall.



Dr. Kinder kept Whit in her secret lab

to experiment on.



Oh, my God!



- What?

- Elena has a secret lab.



I don't believe this.

Whit and Sly got switched at the mall!



What? Who's Sly?



She's getting rid of the lab,

and moving the babies to Liechtenstein.



Liechtenstein? Oh, my God!



- What? Liechtenstein?

- I'll tell you on the way.



Sweetie, do you know

all the secrets to life?



Sure. Piece of cake.

I'll explain when you get back.



I'll tell you! I'll tell you!




I hate Liechtenstein!



Hello?    ?



This is an emergency.



- What is the nature of this emergency?

- There's been a kidnapping.



Yes, sir.

And who's been kidnapped?



My son.



How old is he,

and do you know who kidnapped him?



Yes. He's almost two and his great aunt

did it yesterday at the mall.



His great aunt kidnapped him

at the mall yesterday.



- Right.

- And you're just reporting it?



She switched him for his twin brother.

We didn't know.



Switched with his twin.



- How do you know this?

- My daughter told me.



- How old is your daughter?

- Eighteen months.



- I know this sounds strange.

- No, I get this kind of call often.



Let me get this straight.



Your   -month-old daughter told you...



that her great aunt

kidnapped your son...



by trading him for his twin

at the mall.



- Is that about it?

- Listen, lady!



This woman is moving all the babies

to a secret lab in Liechtenstein.



A secret lab in Liechtenstein!



Well, that is serious.



Give me your name, sir,

and I'll get you all the help you need.



- She thinks I'm nuts.

- No wonder!



   ? Listen!



There's a bomb

in that Babyco building!



And we're gonna blow

those little suckers to Venus! Okay?



You wanted cops, you got cops.



The magnificent Sly

and the Bobbins' babies...



have a vitally important errand

at Babyco.



What are you doing?



The magnificent Sly

and the Bobbins' babies...



have a vitally important errand

at Babyco.



What's up, Doc?



Well, well!



The resourceful Mr. Sly!



Go! Go! Go! Move!



I don't know who your friends were...



but I do know one thing.



You are mine!



See you in Joyworld, Doc.



You know the drill.

Take your places.



I'll be in the control center.

Move out!



Yes! Show me the money!



Fasten your seat belt, Doc.

The ca-ca's gonna hit the fan.



Okay, robo... entertainers,

where are you?



Oh, beautiful!

Where are you, big boy?



Okay, baby, nappie's over.



Come on. You can do it.



Gimme five.

That's it. Cool.



Let's bring up some schematics.



Great. Now for a little rewiring, boys,

and then...



let the games begin.



Bring my helicopter to the helipad

at the back of Joyworld.



Hover and descend on my command.



Sly? What can you hope

to get from this?



Just a little satisfaction, Doc.



Let's get ready to move out.



Sly, come off it.

I know it's you.



Okay, brother, make your move.






The fun is over.



Boys, let's march.















want a hug!



Baby want a hug!



- Get them, you fools!

- Go!



What? No hug?



Oh, that make Baby Bunting mad!



Get the baby!



Right cross!



Left hook!



You're the one!



Okay, alien, a little target practice.



Blow his brains out!



Ho-ho-ho. Merry Christmas!



And a happy new year



What's the matter with you guys?

These are oversized dolls!



Go, clown!



You know the drill.



Lexi, kangaroo.

Duby, ostrich.






Oh, behave, baby.



Enjoy the ride, suckers!



Not yet.



Not yet. Now!



Take him.



You take him!

I saw what happened last time.



All right!

Whit-man's in the house.



Get him!



Whoa! Basil!

Out of the park!



All right, Lexi!

Give me five, Basil!



We're outta here.



You don't mess with the Sly-man, Heep.






Stop, stop!



It's you and me, Sly.



Mano a mano!



You're a tremendous disappointment

to me, Sylvester.



You never understood

the importance of the work.



You could've known greatness.



Instead, you're just

gonna be another...



Another kid.



You are smart enough to keep

your mouth shut, aren't you?



Need I say more?



Et tu, Basil?



And proud of it!






Sly, I knew you'd come back for me.



Every time, kiddo.



- Sly, are you okay?

- I feel funny.



- Whit!

- No, no. I think that's Sly.



Sly, are you okay?






- Helicopter.

- The helicopter pad?




- The roof? They're on the... - 



Oh, my God. Elena.



Here, take him.

All right, take them up.






Take it up, you fools!

Up, up, up!



My God!



Dan, are you all right?

Are you okay?






Lower the chopper.



Lower the helicopter immediately!



Do it now!

This is your last warning.



Arrest this woman. She's insane!

She's trying to harm the babies!



Aunt Elena, you tell them

or I swear to God!



For heaven's sake,

stop calling me that.



I am not your aunt!



You're not?



- You were adopted when you were two.

- I was adopted?



Do you actually think you and I

come from the same gene pool?



Oh, thank you, God.

Thank you! Thank you!



I would have felt terrible

hitting my aunt like that.



That's my son.



- This is your child?

- I know my son!



Look at your dad.



Are you crossing over?



Yeah. I think maybe I am.



Maybe it won't be so bad.



Yeah. There's just so much

they don't know.



You're right about that, but

they try so hard, you gotta love them.



I'll see you on the other side.



I feel kinda funny myself.



- See ya.

- Yeah.









- It was a giant baby and a dinosaur.

- You're starting to remember.



Something about Dickie and Lenny.

They were like a song-and-dance team.



- Something like that.

- The twins!



There was a secret lab.




Everything's fine.



But it's true. Babies do talk.

Now the whole world knows.



Only you understood them.



Whit and Sly.

They can tell us everything.






- Hey! Twins! We've got twins.

- Yeah.



Guys, tell me the secrets of life.



Come on, Sly, what's up?

What's going on out there?



They've crossed over, honey.



What? You've crossed over?



No secrets of life.

No universal knowledge.



Wait a minute. Carrie knows it.

Come here, Carrie.



- Right.

- Come here.



Come here, sweetie.



Tell me everything.



Come on.



Come on, honey.



Gee, another Kodak moment.



I get it.



You're not gonna tell me a thing,

are you? Nope.



She's trying to tell you this

is the way things are supposed to be.



Okay. No secrets of life.



You want to see

the real secret of life?



Take a look.



Okay, that's a wrap!



You're outta here, Sly.



If they think I'm doing the sequel

for less than 20 mil, they're nuts!


Special help by SergeiK