Voila! Finally, the Bachelor Party
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Tom Hanks movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Bachelor Party. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Step away from the curb, children.
Hi, Sister! You look terrific today!
- What have you done with your hair?
- You're late again, Rick.
- I know. But I have a very good excuse.
- There can be no excuse for tardiness.
You're right. You're absolutely right.
I should never have stopped
and saved that drowning infant.
I'm weak, Sister! I'm just so weak!
All right, now. Stop that.
Children, on the bus.
Sister, if you ever get lonely after vespers,
I'm the man to call.
My number's in the book.
Get going, Rick. You're late enough as it is.
Think about it, OK?
OK, come along, children!
We are now leaving Nun Central
on ourjourney to hell and beyond.
The captain has turned off
the No Smoking sign.
You may now move about the cabin freely.
Thank you for being Catholic,
and for choosing the St Gabriel school bus.
Now don't forget, Garcia.
Ten percent of that goes to the house.
You'll love these shots. Thank you
very much, Mrs Reeves. Have a nice day.
Ho-ho-ho! Look at those babies!
Adorable. Come on, let's get started.
Are we married?
- I'm separated.
- Then there is a God.
Let's try something a little special.
Try these on, Timmy.
Ooh, yeah. Chic in the sun, yeah.
Take that drink right there.
Yeah, that looks like fun, hm?
To me, this is an incredible shot.
OK, I can see you're not impressed.
And you're right. I hate it too.
Your kid is more hip, more now, more ' s.
Let's try this right here. Now get ready.
Hold on. I'm crazy about this one.
Your own baby Jedi.
This is terrific. You're gonna like this.
Huh? Huh? Huh?
All right, you're not into science fiction. OK.
Oh! Mrs Klupner,
why didn't I see this before?
Why don't you lean into
the picture with your child?
Oh, yes, yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
Lean in a little more.
If I was that kid,
I would breast-feed until I was or .
OK. Now hold that pose, Mrs Klupner.
Timmy, why don't you go to sleep?
There we go. Good boy. There we go.
Who the hell put this shit in my beer cooler?!
I gotta change the oil.
Rudy! Here, boy! Hey, Rudy!
Oh, shit! I don't believe this!
Guys, this is the problem with American cars!
Help me put this crap together
and we'll get outta here.
The Police concert's sold out?
My customers are gonna kill me!
- Hi, guys. How's it goin'?
- How are you, you animal?
Great. I'm a dead man.
Hello. Concert Tickets.
Boy George has a yeast infection?!
You know what this is gonna cost me?!
Hey, do me a favor. Don't call me again, OK?
Let's get outta here.
I told you not to call me again!
You're full of shit! Eat my...
Oh, hi, Mom. No, no, no.
I didn't know it was you.
Right. Eggs and milk.
Ma... Ma, I'll talk to you later.
- This better be important.
- This guy gets along with everybody.
Oh, yeah. A real diplomat.
I love it when he talks like that!
- We'd like to order now.
- Hey, no sweat. No sweat, guys.
You wanna order?
Here's today's deals. OK?
OK, we got veal.
We got veal... Par...
What's this word?
That's that meat with that cheese on it.
See, I don't eat cheese.
Gives me mucus. Clogs me up with phlegm.
And butter, that's another thing.
Clogs you up with snot.
Please, we're in a hurry.
Ryko, come on, take a break!
Hey, be right there, guys.
Hey, keep your slimy paws out of
my food, man. Order your own food.
I hope you choke, you animal.
Get outta here.
All right, OK, now we're all here.
So what's the big announcement?
Gentlemen, I'm not gonna beat
around the bush on this thing.
We've known each other since grade school,
so I'm gonna give this to ya
right from the hip.
I mean, it's gonna come
straight from the old shoulder.
I mean, no fancy stuff or anything...
Come on, Rick!
All right. OK. All right,
all right, all right. This is it.
- I'm gettin' married.
- Yeah, right, yeah.
That was not ajoke, guys!
A week from this Saturday,
I turn in my amateur standing and I... I go pro.
- I don't believe it.
- Come on!
Well, thanks for tellin' us, man.
Our buddy is gettin' married.
This is the happiest moment of his life
and you guys are giving him a hard time.
You guys should be ashamed of yourselves.
Come on, guys!
Look, Rick, I'd rather be dead.
But if this is what you want, good luck, man.
All the best. It should happen to me, man.
Since you're gonna do this...
- You really are gonna do this?
At least we can make sure you go out in style.
Let's have a bachelor party,
with chicks and guns and fire trucks
and hookers and drugs and booze...
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
All the things that make life worth living for!
All right, all right.
I want you to know that this marriage
is not in any way gonnajeopardize
my relationship with my pals, damn it.
We're still gonna go bowling
every Tuesday night.
Still gonna play cards every Friday night.
And wear each other's underwear
every Sunday. Nothing is gonna change!
I love you guys and I always will.
- Hey, a toast!
- To Rick and Debbie.
To girls with big tits.
Good point! Good point! Good point.
- Excuse me...
- I'd like to pay for this.
- Could you wait till the song is over?
Oh, sure. No problem.
- Where can I try on these pants?
- Right over there. Can I take these for you?
You'll really like these. I have a couple
of pairs myself. They fit very nice.
I don't think your brother did such a good job
of fixing the dressing-room doors.
Whaddaya mean? They look great!
- You don't see a problem here?
- Not really.
No? Maybe it's just me.
Debbie, I don't believe you!
I am your friend and you don't even tell me!
Bobbi, what is going on?
I just heard from O'Neill.
Oh, God, I'm so excited!
- What's happening?
- Debbie's marrying Rick!
Oh, my gosh!
Oh, my gosh! You're actually marrying Rick!
- Wait a minute. Does Cole know about this?
- You went with him for two years!
No. And he won't leave me alone.
And your parents can't be
too thrilled about this.
No, as far as they're concerned,
the only good Rick is a dead Rick.
But I've made my decision,
and we're gonna do it.
I don't believe it! Mrs Rick Gassko!
You're getting married...
Seems like only yesterday
I showed ya how to give a blow job.
I'll give you a different kind of high
No, I'm not like the rest of the boys
I'm from Decatur, Illinois
And I am suave, debonair
I got this boss, curly dark black hair
And I like how you run... baby!
Because you never say maybe
I like you...
Well, hey, the meal is just about ready,
so it's time for spice...
Yes, it's spice time, and the lucky spice is...
Thank you, thank you, thank you! You've
made me the happiest spice in the world!
It's a veritable UN for dinner here,
so Swedish meatballs!
A little vino... would be keeno!
I want some wine!
What meal would be complete
without a little dead meat?
Yes, America's favorite food:
Dead animal flesh.
All the burners are occupied at this time,
so I'm just gonna have to improvise here.
- Hi, babe!
- What are you doing?
- Just welding up a little dinner, that's all.
- It's good to see you.
- You too.
- God, you're a slob!
- Yeah, but I'm a fabulous cook.
Yeah? And what are we having?
Well, it's either Swiss steak, meat loaf...
I dunno. Charred flesh of some sort.
- Why don't we name it after we eat?
- Good idea.
Mr Chef? Your vegetables are on fire.
Oh! Hey! It's OK. It's all right.
It's broccoli flambé. It's supposed to do that.
Just a little tricky, that's all. Guess I put in
a little too much nuclear waste, huh?
- Wanna hear something great?
- You betcha.
Bobbi and Phoebe are gonna throw me
a shower. It's gonna be so much fun!
Not as much fun as the bachelor party
the guys are gonna throw for me.
I hope you like potato salad.
It's chunky style, my favorite.
- You're gonna have a bachelor party?
- Sure! You bet!
Hey, it's a traditional event,
and I am a traditional kinda guy.
How about this?
Does this look great or what?
- It looks awful.
- Well, looks can be deceiving.
Not in this case, however.
Nope, this is definitely the food
that prison riots are made of.
Are we gonna have girls at our party?
No, it's a stag party,
and that means that does stay home.
I'm not talking about does.
I'm talking about hookers.
What do you mean?
I mean, like, from what I hear, it's a tradition.
And you're a traditional guy.
Come here, you little vixen. I'm gonna
set you straight about something.
Women mean nothing to me,
and that is why I am so in love with you.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
I need you to promise me.
OK. OK. I promise. You got it.
You know, I...
I know a way that we can seal this bargain.
Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait!
I got a surprise for ya!
And I think you're really gonna like it!
Aw, come on, honey! We'll take turns!
OK, Ricky. Wanna hold out your arm?
You wouldn't hurt your own brother,
Hey! I've changed my mind! I don't need
a blood test. I'm not even gonna get married.
- The wedding is off, chief.
- Bear. Chicken, chicken, chicken!
You were always sneaky, Stan.
You were always very, very sneaky.
Hey, you ready for this big party?
I understand that the guys have some
fascinating women lined up for you.
A bevy of...
Keep your voice down.
I've got the wife in the other room.
Stan, is this supposed to be like this?
No, that's incorrect.
I can't understand you getting married.
Do you have any idea what you're giving up?
Any idea? An inkling?
Everything! Wild parties.
Running around like a maniac.
Women every night. Nakedness. Gone!
I miss that so much, Ricky.
Stan, you're beginning to depress me.
maybe you'll feel just a little better after this.
Easy. Easy. And hold.
Oh, that's a fair trade.
A cotton ball for all my blood.
OK, Ricky, all finished.
Hey, I'm really looking forward
to this bachelor party.
Whatever you do, you don't say nothin'
to Tina, OK? She'll kill me.
- Who don't you say nothin' to?
Don't screw me up.
I told her I'm going to a plasma convention.
Oh, well, that's brilliant.
Rick! Mr Goldsmith, this is my brother-in-law.
He's getting married.
Nurse, take over.
I am so happy for you!
That's great. I'm glad. Thanks.
Listen, I gotta run. I gotta make sure
the guys have got the hookers!
- He didn't say hookers.
- Did I say hookers? I didn't mean...
- You said hookers.
He didn't say hookers. I'm walking Ricky out.
You had to open your mouth. You had to
say something. You had to say hookers!
- Doc, I'll pay my bill! Don't hurt me, please!
- I'll kill you!
I'll pull out your lights! I'll rip out your guts!
I'll break you in half!
Now shut up and get outta here!
OK. All right.
Oh, listen. I'll see ya Saturday for the...?
Mrs Phillips. You're next.
- OK, who serves?
- Your turn, Dad.
It's long, it's to the fence,
it's to the wall! It's gone!
Hit the ball easier, son.
You don't have to kill it.
Uh... maybe we should go in now.
No. We will at least finish this set.
Yes! Cleveland wins the pennant!
One of these days, I'm gonna burn the
Thompson court right to the ground.
I gotta admit my tennis is a little rusty,
but polo... There's a game, eh?
constant challenge to the senses.
A beautiful, manly experience.
Rick, I want to cut through the BS.
- I'd like that.
I think you're an asshole.
No, let me correct that. An immature asshole.
Which is fine, except that
you're marrying my daughter
and I'm afraid that my grandchildren
are gonna be little assholes.
- Mr Thompson, I...
- No, let me finish.
Debbie is an adult.
She can do what she wants.
But if you want your marriage to last, you
have to change some things about yourself.
- Now, if I may make some suggestions?
- Oh, feel free.
Good. First, you're a slob.
You dress like a bum.
Second, you're unmotivated.
You have no self-esteem,
no thought about the future.
You're inconsiderate. You're insensitive.
I'm having the same caterer for your shower
that we had at our Christmas party last year.
That'd be great! They're wonderful!
If I were you, I'd worry less about the shower
and more about Rick's bachelor party.
Why...? Why would I want
to do that? I trust Rick.
Oh, of course you do.
And I trusted my ex, Kevin, too.
Cousin, I can only speak to you
But what do you think happens
at bachelor parties?
Think they drink tea and play Scrabble?
Llene, I trust Rick. He promised...
Debbie, please! Don't be naive. Men are pigs.
Girls, why don't we go inside
and have some lunch?
Boys! Come on inside and have lunch!
In a second.
And you're irresponsible. A show-off.
You're vulgar. You're inappropriate.
You're unrefined. You're obnoxious.
Well, Mr Thompson, that's really quite a list.
And you're right. You're absolutely right.
And I think, if I really apply myself,
I could be a totally changed person
by the time we finish lunch.
Rick, we don't have a dog.
Oh, too bad. That's a waste of some good fat.
Are you going to eat your potato, darling?
- You want this?
- You betcha.
Yeah, me and Debbie are
gonna have kids right away.
I'd like to adopt this -year-old
Korean girl I've had my eye on.
I figure why beat around the bush,
but, I mean, this pup is fertile,
and I know I'm perfectly capable,
so you don't have to worry.
You'll have some American grandkids
in no time at all.
I tell ya, Mrs T, this is really some spread.
This is pretty good chow.
Usually I just have ajam sandwich for lunch.
Do you know what ajam sandwich is? You
take two pieces of bread, jam 'em together...
- Hello, everybody! Am I late?
- Not at all. We're just finishing lunch.
- How are you, Cole?
- Fine, just fine.
Ilene! You're looking very well.
- Mrs Thompson...
Always a pleasure.
Bond. James Bond.
So, Cole, how's your game coming along?
- Better and better, sir.
I'll take you on.
We tried some doubles this morning
but it didn't work out.
Mother, what is Cole doing here?
Well, you know your father
enjoys his company.
Oh, he must, if he took time off
from his Hitler Youth rally.
- Good shot!
- Thank you, sir.
Cole, I know you're as unhappy as I am
about Debbie's marriage to Rick.
Yes, I am, sir.
- Son, I don't want you to give up on her.
- I have tried to change her mind.
It's not her mind you have to change.
It's Mr Shit For Brains in there.
- Yeah, but how can I do that?
- If it were up to me, I'd reason with him first.
And if that failed,
I'd try more persuasive action.
More... persuasive action?
Good... Keep me informed.
Thanks for everything. It was great.
- Nice seeing you again, Rick.
- You too, Mrs T. Let's do this every day.
- How about tomorrow? I'll bring weenies.
- Well, I have, uh... club.
- What time's it over?
- Uh, Rick. Let's talk.
Honey, the boys have something to discuss.
Let's leave 'em alone for a minute, huh?
If this is about the facts of life,
I got it covered.
- Rick, I want Debbie.
- You do, huh?
Yes, I do.
You dump her and I'll give you cash.
Well, what's Debbie's
Blue Book value right now?
- $ .
- Not interested.
All right, all right, all right.
plus a GE toaster oven,
a Litton microwave, a Cuisinart...
Cole, read my lips now.
I am marrying Debbie.
Michelin tyres, brand-new.
A set of Sears' best metric tools.
What's going on?
This big lug is in love and he's got
a lot of major appliances laying around.
Debbie, Cole is just trying to save you
from making a mistake. A big mistake.
Hey, thanks, Dad. Listen, we gotta go.
Debbie! He's gonna hurt you.
He'll never be true to you the way I would.
We'll keep that in mind.
Cole Whittier, ladies and gentlemen!
A funny, funny guy as well as being
a wonderfully talented human being.
Take care, babe. We love ya.
Hey, Rick! You and I, we're not through yet.
I can't sleep.
I got something for that.
Will you stop fooling around? I need to talk.
What's the matter?
I don't know. I just feel scared.
Oh, baby... What about?
The wedding. My parents.
Your parents. Our friends.
The caterers. My gown.
The honeymoon. Our apartment.
Your bachelor party.
Well, how about the Middle East?
You all right with that?
Honey, everything is gonna be all right.
Before or after I have
my nervous breakdown?
You are so tense.
That feels so good.
That's a coincidence. It's supposed to.
Close your eyes. Drift off to sleep again, OK?
Ltjust so happens... I'm a great guy
and, very soon,
you're gonna be Mrs Great Guy, all right?
Well, there you go, ma'am.
End of the line. Last stop.
I have a great idea. Why don't I just
pal around with you guys for a while?
No, no, no. We have some manly things we
have to do, and this is no place for a woman.
- Are you sure you don't want me to go?
- How about "no"?
I don't wanna go!
you promised me no screwing around.
- I won't! I swear on my mother's grave.
- Your mother's not dead.
Well, if I go back on my word, I'll kill her.
Have a good time.
Don't have a great time.
You catch my drift, Mr Traditional Guy?
Hmm, yeah, I understand.
And you have a fun shower. Use soap.
I love you.
And I love you.
Come on, Rick! Party!
Presidents have stayed in this suite.
- What's wrong?
- Nothing. Nothing. Let's get crazy.
- When do the girls show up?
- Gary is taking care of that right now.
All right. I think I've got
just what you're looking for.
These are twins of pleasure.
They're gonna be just fine. Just fine.
Maybe after the orgy tonight we can get
together, have a cup of coffee or somethin'?
Thanks, man. We'll see you girls later. Ciao!
Say, I must have just missed my friend.
He hired some of your girls
for a bachelor party?
Yeah, Parkview Hotel, room .
What about it?
Yeah, right, well, um...
here's the new address.
There's been a change of plan. We're
sending the girls to his house instead.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah, and, uh... here's a fifty.
Now I want this to be a surprise for
the groom, so you never saw me, OK?
Move it out, move it out, move it out!
You be careful with that bus. It's a rental.
Was I kidding? Was I kidding?
We who are about to go apeshit salute you!
We want women!
Hold it! Hold it!
Before we move on, I have a little surprise.
I have flown in someone dear to all of us.
A man who has traveled over miles.
Come on, Rick, let's go.
A man whom none of us have seen
since he left town.
Come on, come on!
A man whom we affectionately
Oh, my God, our dad is here.
It's your childhood chum and mine,
That Peckerhead! Where is he?
For the last time, I'm telling you
to get off of there!
Rick! Oh, Rick! Rick!
- Medically speaking?
Whacked out of his brains on drugs.
I love you guys! This is great!
This is beautiful!
I love it! I love it!
How you been?
Oh, I couldn't be better. This is the best.
This is great. I love this. This is the best.
I'm having the best time.
I love you guys! I love everybody!
- How's your wife?
- I hate her. I hate her guts.
I've got this. You wanna share this?
Oh, gee, two on a Quaalude. That's bad luck.
OK, let's go, guys. Come on, Brad.
Listen, you and your wife
got problems, Brad?
No. No. Cos I love you guys.
I love my friends. I love everybody!
I just wanna party!
- Just where do you guys think you are?
- The Library of Congress?
- Beyond the sun?
Any of those right?
This is the Parkview Hotel.
I am the hotel manager.
This is a respectable establishment.
We don't go for any funny business here.
So I see. Well, thank you.
It's been very nice talking to you.
You're a hell of a guy, and
you're doing a hell of ajob.
Pamela, you're here! How nice!
Come say hello to our guest of honor.
Pamela! Hi, how are you! Good to see you!
- You look great.
- Oh, thanks, honey.
Debbie, it's Pamela.
Pamela, how are you?
Come sit down and I'll get you some punch.
Mrs Thompson, do you have any more
of this dip? It's, like, really excellent.
You just ate Purina Cat Chow.
Oh, it's, like, so good!
And what are you girls giggling about?
- Shall we tell her?
Yesterday we found a bunch of pornos
in the back seat of O'Neill's car.
And we made a few changes.
I think the boys will really be interested.
Oh, well, good. I hope you ruin
their stag party, the swine!
And now, to our honored guest Rick and
his lifelong friends, I say, gentlemen:
Start your boners.
Yeah! This is a bitchin' place!
Oh... I am stunned.
I did the balloons myself.
Oh, what a clever use of prophylactics.
This is beyond my wildest dreams, guys!
- Where's the women? There's no women.
- Rudy, one thing at a time.
Sex is my one thing. I'm good at it.
OK. What's first?
A bit of a warm-up. We spend an hour
with Nymphos Without Pants.
Olivier is in that, right?
Then... it's on to the real thing!
OK, Rudy. Screen.
It's good to see you, Brad.
My marriage sucks. It's all crap.
It's just a big pile of shit!
Well, maybe your marriage oughta
lay off the grains for a while.
Don't you understand? She hates me.
She hates my guts. It's over!
You'll see. As soon as you get married,
Why are you going through with this?
Wait, wait. What do you mean?
OK, Ryko, lights!
I viewed it yesterday.
Great director, good lighting...
Take that off! Take it off and drive it home!
God, this doesn't waste any time, does it?
Go, baby! Do it, brother! Lay that pipe!
Drive it home, brother!
Hey! What gives?
- Did you check this out?
- Kick it! Kick it!
Forget that. This part's so much better.
You guys can't believe...
This is a human being doing this. Watch this.
Kiss him all the way down! All the way down!
Go! Go! Go, go, go, go!
What is this?! What is going on?!
I am not complaining, but I usually
don't like my filth this clean.
What a waste of two women!
I don't get it.
The dirty parts were there yesterday.
At least Gary's coming up
with the real thing.
Yeah, hi. Is this Franek Street?
Um... I'm Dr Tina Gassko.
Oh, Tina! Stan's wife!
God, now she's really gonna see
what kind of ajerk-off she's marryin'.
Rick is just gonna love all of these.
Debbie, look, it's Tina.
I think everyone's here now.
Look who's here. It's Tina.
Another one of these, huh?
Looks that way.
A buck's a buck.
Is there an empty outlet around here?
God, this is beautiful.
She reminds me of my wife.
She was so young when we met.
Hi, guys, how's it goin'?
Get him! Get him, get him, get him!
To a neutral corner, please.
- What's goin' on?
- Nothing's goin' on!
Would you get that animal off of me?
This place should be wall-to-wall tits by now.
Guy paints a beautiful picture.
All right! All right!
I'll find out what's goin' on.
Looks like the only guy
who got screwed was you.
Hey, screw you.
I can't believe my money's been wasted.
So, what do you guys
think of the party so far?
All right. OK.
I think the man has done
a very good job with the party so far.
All right, maybe not.
Rick, I wanna talk to you.
Hey, it's Cole!
Did anyone order an asshole
from room service?
- Look, I don't want any trouble.
- Oh, come on, just a little.
- Rick, I want to make you another deal.
- Oh, be still, my heart!
Out the window is something
I wanna show you.
Out the window? Oh, this is gonna be
a surprise. I'm a nut for surprises.
You see that out there?
That, Rick, is my most prized possession.
That's my new Porsche.
Guys, can you see that car?
Oh, that's beautiful! What a car!
Rudy, isn't that a beautiful car?
Oh, yeah! That's a beautiful car, Rick.
Hey, guys, excuse me.
I gotta go shake the weasel.
- It's a great car.
- Oh, the best!
- God, I love that car.
- I am very, very happy... for the two of you.
Listen, Rick, I'm willing to trade you
my new Porsche for Debbie. An even swap.
Oh, Cole! A car for Debbie?
I mean it, Rick.
All you have to do is dump Debbie.
Oh! Oh, Cole! This is perplexing.
What an intriguing offer you've made.
Guys, what should I do?
Should I take the car, or should I take Debbie?
- The car.
Depends on mileage.
- The Porsche! The car!
- Take Debbie... The car!
- Debbie! Debbie!
- The car!
What a decision I have to make here.
I would hate to be in your shoes, pal.
- Low mileage. It handles like a dream.
- Well, so does Debbie.
I just got that car two months ago.
It's got everything, it's got...
Shit! Shit! Shit!
- Something amiss?
- My car is gone!
Maybe it had something to do.
If I don't get my car back, you're dead, mister!
Gone just a few seconds
and I miss him already.
Isn't it childish getting revenge
on the guys like this?
You heard what those hookers said. They
were supposed to go to a bachelor party.
That doesn't mean it was Rick's party.
Good evening, ladies. Follow me.
Go on. Just don't touch anything.
God, look at those guys! What a hunk!
Look at that guy's buns!
Come on, Mom.
Debbie, I don't know about this.
Mom, come on, we'll have a great time.
You might even get lucky.
Is there a Rick Gassko registered there?
Hold it! It's not Gary. It's Michael.
I don't believe it!
I may as well have left my genitals at home!
Michael, when are you comin' over?
Right after work.
Guess what, buddy?
Debbie and her friends just walked in here.
No kidding! Well, that's interesting.
Michael, hang around down there for a while.
We're gonna come down.
Guys, we are going out for some air.
- Where are we going?
I love going out.
Rick, I don't think I wanna go.
Come on, Brad, it'll be good for ya.
No... I just wanna be alone.
Well... all right, but do your homework,
and you can watch TV for a half-hour,
but then straight to bed, young man.
Come on, just stay with me, guys.
When a night gets dull, call in a pro.
Al, how are you?
Ed, we're so glad you could
come at the last minute
and fill in as our keynote speaker.
It's a pleasure, Al.
I'm always glad to help out.
I should call my service.
Is there a phone I can use?
- Yeah, right there.
- Thank you.
Ed, this is the biggest turnout we've ever had.
Hey, this is our mascot.
We've had some big speakers,
but no one with your marketing experience.
I just wanna let 'em know where I am.
I'm expecting an important phone call.
I had to get out of the house anyway.
My daughter's having a bridal shower.
I'm a doctor! I can't do this!
- Will your friend do this?
- He'll do anything for money.
I love that attitude!
- Are they still out there?
- I'll check. Wait.
I don't believe this!
What does she think she's doing?
Maybe checking him for a hernia.
Oh, it's amusing?
- It's amusing.
- What now?
It's action they want?
Well, we're the guys to give it to 'em.
Eh, me hearties?
Guys, this is Chippendales' star attraction.
Mr Nicholas, better known as Nick the Dick.
Nick the what?
I was impressed when they
opened the World Trade Center,
but this is a piece of work!
Well, let's get this thing going.
Tray, please, Michael.
Oh, well now, this is good.
OK, Nick, or is it Mr Dick?
You wanna do the honors?
- It's up to you.
This is gonna be great!
Here's your orders, ladies.
You can help yourselves.
Is that the foot-long?
And then some.
Excuse us. Mom, let go.
Hey, lady, how much?
Talk to the pimp.
Hey, nice seeing you.
Hey, let's talk.
Hey, bro! What it be?
- You're a pimp? You look like Gandhi.
- I'm telling you I am, Joe.
- I want women.
- I got women.
They sit on your face, anything you want.
Great. I want some. How much?
Big hassle now, bro.
Soon they go to customers.
I got a bachelor party at the Parkview Hotel.
That would be out of sight, dude.
Customers in same hotel.
Let you have them at cut-rate price
- $ .
Sold. minutes, no problem.
Not one minute longer
or Milt will come for you.
This being Milt.
Pretty heavy, hey, dude?
Girls back in minutes
or Milt cuts your balls off.
I just bet my balls, and shook on it.
Did you happen to see Tina's face?
Bobbi was less shocked, of course.
She's used to seeing something that size.
Hey, yo! Brad!
Hey! Big Brad!
Where's the young man?
What are you doing?
I'm killing myself.
You know, Brad, marriage
is a dicey thing at best.
And sometimes people say
things they don't mean.
But you and Sue, you're mature people.
You'll work this stuff out.
- You gotta lighten up, man.
- No, Rick, I don't care any more!
She hates me! I'm no good for her.
I'm just gonna end it all right here!
Oh! Oh! God!
Are you all right?
Pain is such a rush.
Oh, this is good.
- Is there anything I can do for ya?
- Oh, no...
This is pain.
There could be some major damage here.
Go check out your car. It's beautiful.
- My car? Where is it?
- It's outside.
You've had it! I'm gonna get you!
This is your bachelor party,
and you're not havin' a good time.
I'm having a great time!
You're making a big deal out of nothing.
- Where the hell is everybody?
- I don't know.
The team bus just pulled in!
It's a party! Party, Ricky!
I had a wiener right in my hand.
I told you, men are pigs.
I saw those swine just standing there.
God! What a gross thing to do.
I have to admit, even for Rick,
that was beyond the Valley of Good Taste.
Yeah, well, Rick and his pals are
probably knee-deep in whores by now.
- I can't wait to see what those guys are up to.
- Me either.
If I find out Stanley's been
screwing around, I'll kill him.
Kill? I won't do anything that drastic.
I just won't get married.
Good. You're finally talking some sense.
Well... let's get ready, you guys.
Let's get going.
- You with us, Mom?
- A strange wang right in my palm.
- Can I help you?
- We're the band.
- O'Neill sent us.
Oh, O'Neill! Great!
Everybody's busy in the bedrooms
right now, but come on in.
Oh, that's nice hair. I'll try to make sure
no one smokes around you.
Are you together? If not,
maybe introductions are in order.
Why do good girls like bad boys?
Why do good girls like bad boys?
It must be the thrill she gets
When he lights her cigarette
Or the way his nostrils flare
Every time he combs his hair
Why do good girls like bad boys?
Why do good girls like bad boys?
Hey, that was incredible. And also wonderful.
It was a moving experience. I thank you.
From the bottom of my heart.
Ricky! Go, babe. Get in there, my brother.
My dearest family member, get in there.
No, no, no. I will, but the party's young
and it's just starting up.
I want to ask you a question first. You're my
older brother. Let me ask you some advice.
You are a married man, right?
I am about to be a married man.
What can I expect from this marriage thing?
What is the honest scoop?
The honest scoop? The first month,
from the beginning, is terrific. It's great.
The second month,
things calm down a little bit.
Third month, you're looking through
old phone numbers, old girlfriends...
But, by the fourth month... by the fourth
month you're just... you're numb.
You know? Just... It's incredible.
So by the fifth month,
hopefully, football season starts.
- You got ball games. You got Monday Night.
Stan, I am so glad we had this chat.
You've really answered my questions.
Hi. We were just walking by and
we heard the music. Can we come in?
Sure! Come on in! Join the party, babe.
What can I get for bucks?
An elevator ride around the block,
a pogo pump, or a pogo swirl,
or a pump with an underground hammer.
Wait a minute.
Whatever happened to hand jobs?
I was dreaming
Woke up screaming
I was drowning in a pool of sweat
My hands were shaking
My head was aching
My stomach was so upset
That's when I saw two eyes
glowing in the dark
I fell in love with a little demon
Little demon, little demon
Angels above can't take my little demon
Little demon, little demon
She crawled up beside me
Her smile terrified me
And I was suffering in ecstasy
- What the hell are you doing?
- I'm slashing my wrists.
- With an electric razor?
- I couldn't find any razor blades.
At least your wrists will
be smooth and kissable.
Give me this thing!
What is the matter with you?
Will you go out there and have some fun
and have a few laughs, please?
No, no, no. Have fun first,
and then have a few laughs.
Just forget about the marriage
for a couple of hours.
This is a party, remember?
Go out there and party.
That's good. That's good.
Gary, how's the big stallion?
Rick, I really think I'm in love.
We're talking marriage, kids, the whole thing.
I'm very happy for you.
Name your first six kids after me, OK?
My name is Tim. I'm always available.
By the way, I also do engine work on BMWs.
That's another example of
better living through chemistry.
I said that's another example...
Are these on or am I wasting my time?
This is gonna be great.
Sex with a donkey. Incredible.
Hi! Come on in!
Drugs to the right, hookers to the left.
Good to see ya again.
Hey! I oughta smack you.
Rick, buddy... pal of mine...
- I'm concerned.
- Hey! What about?
This is your party! Your bachelor party!
You haven't had sex with anyone yet.
Not true. I had a bunch of sex tonight.
I'm just very fast. You haven't been able
to see me. There - I had it twice!
Come on. I got something you can't resist.
You remember Tracey?
Tracey? I am a mortal man, O'Neill.
Of course I remember Tracey.
You remember how crazy
she was about you?
- Tracey was crazy about me?
- "Oh, Rick, you're so funny!"
I called her and told her that you were
about to be put on the unavailable list.
She decided to come over and
give you a little something.
- Right in there.
- The bedroom? Tracey's in the bedroom?
You got it.
- Tracey is in the bedroom?
- Heaven awaits.
Oh... well, now, O'Neill, this is a gift I...
How can I... how can I turn this down?
I guess I can't.
- Oh, Tracey...?
Oh, hell, all right. All right, I will.
All right, OK. I will. All right.
If I'm not back in half an hour,
call the paramedics.
That's the old Rick!
Oh, eat my chair!
Rick, take me, please.
Rick, you promised me.
You promised me you wouldn't
make love to anybody else.
Go for it! Go for it!
Don't go back on your word, Rick.
Be true. Be strong.
Go for it!
What, are you nuts? Look at my tits!
Rick, take me, please.
How'd it go?
Well, hey... Hey, if she can walk,
I don't know my business, you know?
Oh, hey, O'Neill, I just lied.
Nothing happened in there, all right?
I know how much this meant to ya,
but I couldn't do it, OK?
I love Debbie.
I made a promise and I'm crazy about her.
Hey, I understand.
Don't worry about it.
To tell you the truth, I'm envious. I wish
I had someone who was in my every thought.
Somebody I could spend all my time with.
Somebody I could really respect.
Hey, look at the cans on that bimbo.
I am looking for this dung head
who took my women.
He's being liar to me.
I want my bitches back.
Holy shit! I'm going to get Milt right now.
I'm going to get the fuck out of here.
- Who was that?
- I don't know.
- Well, what is this?
- Got me.
- Well, how about this?
- Still drawing a blank.
- Hey, he look familiar?
Get the hookers in a circle.
We're gonna put Cochise out of business.
I can't believe we're doing this.
We are supposed to be hookers. Act sexy.
If Stanley's there I'll rip his butt.
Stop with this! We're supposed
to be hookers! Act sexy!
- I just wanna find him up there...
- Shut up with that.
Don't tell me to shut up. We don't need sex,
we just have to find the room.
You girls is the hookers, right?
Yes, of course we're hookers.
- The boss said deliver hookers.
- We are not hookers, you big dumb ape!
How dare you!
Girls, let's get outta here...
Any of you guys from out of town?
Come on, fellas... Fellas!
Where the hell is he?
- It's gotta be on this side.
- No, it's this side.
Shit! Shit! Shit!
All right, this is it.
Let me fix you up here. Let's show the gold.
OK. Go get him.
Make love to me... please?
T minus . We have ignition!
We got him now!
You can't do this!
We're just gonna put you in
a safe place until after the party.
No, no! Please! Please stop! Don't! No!
Hey! Hey, you guys can't do this!
Hey! Hey, come on!
Now you stay out of trouble, young man.
I hope you die, you bastard!
Hey, you bastards! I'm gonna live!
Well, here we are.
This is gonna be some night, huh?
Are you ready for this? Are you ready?
Look, uh... why don't you make
yourself comfortable, all right?
There's a terrific moon out tonight.
OK, we're here.
How do we get this donkey inside?
I don't know.
You don't know?
You had it all figured out. You had a plan.
Well, maybe I did. I don't know. I forgot.
I'd like to get you on an operating table,
- I got it.
- You got what?
You're gonna be OK. Everything's
gonna be fine. Don't worry about it.
How about some air? You can take in
some air. That'd be nice, wouldn't it?
Take in some air, huh?
Oh, no! Shit!
- Are you sure you're OK?
They seemed like nice guys.
- Thanks for your help, Ed. We appreciate it.
- Any time, Al. Good night.
Cole?! My God, son, what are you
doing here? What happened?
The party's upstairs, sir.
They made me get naked and...
They made me get naked and hung me out
from the window. It was so scary and I fell.
Get a hold of yourself.
What room are they in?
- They're on the tenth floor, sir.
- I'm going up there. I'll take care of this.
Now you go and get yourself
some clothes. You look awful.
OK, this side . This side .
Ready? Here we go. Go, go, go!
How ya doing, everybody?
We brought back a friend.
Gentlemen, ladies, for your
viewing pleasure, meet Max,
the magical, sexual mule!
A donkey that doesn't wanna be recognized?
Something interesting is gonna happen here.
And here's Max's partner. A gal who doesn't
believe happiness ends with primates.
The lovely Miss Desiree!
My God! What are you people doing in here?!
Uh-oh. It's Mr Laughs.
Rick, I knew you were
a vile, disgusting degenerate,
This goes beyond my wildest dreams.
Well, I like to stretch myself on occasion.
You're through, mister. When Debbie hears
about this, she will never see you again.
You're right, Mr Thompson.
You should go give Debbie a call right now.
There's a phone in the back bedroom.
You're through, mister.
Well, thanks, pal!
If Debbie finds out about this, I am dead!
Will you relax?!
I have everything under control.
Hired help... ladies... follow me.
Sorry for the interruption, folks.
We now return you to the arts.
Stand back! I'm a doctor!
Of course we don't allow
that sort of thing here, ma'am. No.
I'm sorry that the noise woke you up.
I will take care of it right away.
I've had enough of this.
- Let's just give 'em what they want.
Let's go. Come on, everybody inside!
The big show's gonna start
in one minute. Come on!
We're gonna have so much fun!
Get outta here! Go! Go!
Everyone, go! I'll hold them off.
The rest of you make a break for it.
Ilene, are you crazy? Come on, let's go!
Debbie, please, I know what
I'm doing. Now just go. Go!
OK, gentlemen, the gods
have answered your prayers!
- I hope llene is all right.
- I hope those guys are all right.
- Oh, my God.
Guess who's here? Another surprise guest.
Does the name Debbie
mean anything to you?
What, my Debbie?
- What's with the costume?
- I don't know! Listen, do me a favor.
Go up to her like you don't know her
and send her into the back bedroom.
You got it.
Hi, baby. You're new here.
- I don't believe the groom has had you yet.
- No, not...
No, not yet. Where is the groom?
In the bedroom.
Hey, it's dark in here.
Don't turn on the lights, sugar.
I'll lead you around.
Oh, well, a seeing-eye hooker.
This is a nice service.
Hey, you don't look half bad!
Let's see how you are in the sack! Yeehah!
Damn you, Rick!
Debbie, you're a hooker! I don't believe it!
I can't trust you!
Come on. I knew it was you.
- Rick, you're lying!
- It was ajoke! Debbie!
Wait! Just hold on! Wait!
Hold on! Please, just give
me a chance to explain!
Debbie, I didn't do anything!
The marriage is off! You can screw around
with your friends for the rest of your life!
I don't want that! I want you!
And I want somebody who
I understand commitment! I love you!
- I don't believe you.
- You don't? Oh, fine. Good.
People! Attention, please!
Have I had sex with anyone
in this room tonight?
You're sure about this?
Fine, good. Resume party.
Now this isn't your ordinary party crowd
here. There are professionals in here.
But I didn't want them.
You... you're the only one I've ever wanted.
Do you understand?
So what do we do about it?
Let's get naked.
No, Debbie, not that bedroom!
All my years as a photographer, I've never
seen such a natural. The camera loves him!
Daddy, what are you doing here?
He says he's having a wonderful time and
thinking of changing his name to Spike.
I've been getting calls all night.
God only knows what they're doing in there.
Open up! You're under arrest!
All right, boys, break it in.
Hold it, hold it, hold it. I've got the key.
Let's go! It's a raid!
Whoa! The cops!
Diana Ross is playing next week.
I got three tickets.
How about Boy George? The Police?
Oh, no! Not her!
No! No! Anything but that!
No, not her! Not her!
She pees standing up! Not her!
Stan! You lying dog!
Hey, wait a minute. Hold it.
What did you say, Stanley?
What did you say, Stanley?
What did you say, Stanley?
You said no hookers! You said no hookers!
No hookers! No hookers!
Where is Debbie? Where is Debbie?
- What are you doing?!
- Debbie, you'll always be mine!
Hey, have you seen Debbie?
- I thought she was just next to you.
Get outta there!
- You're coming with me!
God, he's kidnapping her! Back to the bus!
Debbie! You're coming in with me!
Cole, I've had enough. How about you, huh?
- Come with me!
- Just give it a rest.
There's theaters. They could be anywhere.
- Now what do we do?
- Let's just split up. We'll go this way.
I killed the mule! I killed the...
What is the sense of living?
I'll take this theater.
Ryko, take the one down there.
Ooh. Small theater.
What a realistic effect!
This is the best -D I've ever seen!
I've seen better.
This time I'm gonna do it,
and nobody's gonna stop me.
Do you, Richard Ernesto Gassko,
take Deborah Julie Thompson
as your lawful wife,
to have and to hold from this day forward,
for better for worse, for richer for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
until death do you part?
I sure do.
So by the powers vested in me,
I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Uh... I'm sorry. It needs
something special here.
Hold on. Wait.
Oh, God Almighty!
How about this? Come on, we're
married now. This is perfectly legal.
Rick, stop it! Get that thing away from me!
Come here, Mrs Gassko.
Step on it, driver.
We don't wanna miss our plane.
Hey, now, Brad...