Back To School Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Back To School script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Rodney Dangerfield movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Back To School. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Back To School Script








You call this a report card?



What kind of marks is these?



How you gonna go to college

with marks like these?



I don't want to go to college.



I want to work

in the shop with you.



You want to work

in the shop with me, huh?



Listen to me.



I said it once,

and I'll say it again...



I don't care how rich

or successful a man is...



if he don't got an education,

he's got nothing.



- I tried, Pop. I can't do it.

- Then try harder!



You can do anything in life

you want to do.



Remember... you're a Meloni.



Hi there.

Are you a large person?



Pleasantly plump? A little

on the hefty side, perhaps?



Well, let's face it.

Are you fat?



When you go jogging,

do you leave potholes?



When you make love,

do you have to give directions?



At the zoo, do elephants

throw you peanuts?



Do you look at a menu

and say, "OK"?



Well, now you can

eat all you want...



because at Thornton Melon's

Tall and Fat stores...



we've got you covered.



That's right... fine woolen

and woolen blend suits...



and sport coats

in all the larger sizes...



husky, stout, extra-stout

and the new Hindenburg line.



And for you ladies,

we have caftans, muumuus...



and our own exclusive A-frame

in all colors and patterns.



Yes, we have

miles and miles of fabric.



So take it from me,

Thornton Melon...



if you want to look thin,

you hang out with fat people.



Thornton Melon's Tall and Fat...

    locations across America.



Lou, did you see the new spot?



Yeah, I seen it.



Do I look fat in it?



You could lose

a couple of pounds.



I gotta get bigger actors.



Pocahontas, how are you?

Ophelia, hold some of my calls.



Yes, sir, Mr. Melon.



Good morning, everyone.






Take it easy, will ya?



And don't get any on the walls.



OK, folks. What's up?



Mr. Melon,

we have a serious offer...



on your commercial property

in south Florida...



and we feel you should sell.



No. Hold it for one more year,

take the depreciation...



then transfer title

to the California Corporation.



Show it as a capital gain.

We should do great.



What else?



The toy division has come up

with a new doll idea...



to go along with our

children's clothing line.



We call them Melon Patch Kids.



Now, the competition

exploits the notion...



that their dolls are orphans.



The Melon Patch Kids

are not orphans.



They're abandoned.



We think it's a winner.



OK, go with it.



But keep the unit cost

under five bucks.



Last year, we took a bath

on those Chubby Tubby Tub toys.



- Jason's on the phone.

- Jason.



OK, everybody, take a break.



Excuse me, Mr. Melon,

but we have a very long agenda.



- Later. My son's on the phone.

- But, Mr. Melon!



Beat it, punk.



Jason, how are you?



How you doin'?

How's the diving going?



Oh, it's great.

We just finished up practice.



Oh, keep it up, keep it up!

And the fraternity...



I'll bet you're having fun

in the fraternity, huh?



What do you think?

Yeah, it's great.



Oh, that's great.



You're not doing too much,

are you? You studying?



Well, right now,

we're between semesters...



so classes don't start up

again for another week.



No classes? Then come home.



Tonight, your mother and I

are having a big party.



It's our fifth anniversary.



Whoa, Dad. She's not my mother,

she's your wife...



and I don't get the feeling

she wants me around.



OK, let's not start that again.



I'll tell you what.

I'll come up there to see you.



No. Bad. Bad idea.



I got this big dive meet

coming up.



I gotta practice. I wouldn't

have any time to see you.



- It's a rotten time.

- OK. I understand.



Look, Dad, I promise...



I'll come down for a visit

next break I get, OK?



All right?

Look, I gotta go, OK?



OK, Jason.



Take care of yourself.

I love you.



Yeah, I love you, too.

All right. Bye-bye.



Melon, I told you

to clean my locker.



If it's too much for you...



we'll get ourselves

a new towel boy.



Right. Look, I'm sorry, Chas.

I'll get on it as soon as I can.



Home sweet home.



- I liked the old house better.

- So did I.



I liked the old wife

better, too.



Lay off Vanessa.

She gives great headache.



Lou, I can't believe it.

Married five years.



Seems like yesterday.



And you know what a lousy day

yesterday was.



Please don't throw your clothes

on the Breuer chair.



How come all our furniture

has names?



I have absolutely

nothing to wear.



You got six closets

full of nothing to wear.



Are you saying

I spend too much money?



You, spend too much money? No.



Lots of people go to Switzerland

to get their watch fixed.



You have no taste, Thornton.



You're right.

I married you, didn't I?



I don't have time to argue.



Our friends will be here

any minute.



You mean your friends.



They are my friends,

and I'd like to keep them.



So please,

just behave yourself tonight.



Don't worry. If the roast beef

is right, they'll be back.



Jennifer, you look divine.



And, Peter, I thought

you were still in Portofino.



Why haven't you called?



- She's a lovely gal.

- Oh, yes, she is.



Oh, Ramon,

you look fantastic.



I thought you were still

in Tijuana.



- Excuse me, señor?

- Nothing. It's all right.



- Gimme a beer.

- I'm sorry, señor.



All we have is martinis

and champagne.



My own house,

I can't get a beer.



Mrs. Melon gave us

strict orders... no cerveza.



It's all right.

I'll get it myself.



Hey! Adam and evil.



Mr. Melon.



We was just...



Iooking for some

cocktail napkins.



Where? Under her dress?



You're impossible.



And you're easy.



I love Klimt, don't you?



Mr. Melon, your wife

was just showing us her Klimt.



You too, huh? She's showin' it

to everybody.



- She's very proud of it.

- I'm proud of mine, too.



I don't wave it around

at parties.



- It's an exceptional painting.

- Oh, the painting.



Yeah. Drink up,

enjoy yourself, huh?



I hate small food, you know?



Hey, buddy,

come here, will you?



Put your hand

right over there, will you?



I learned this in Europe.



Look out, coming through.

Hot stuff. Look out.



I'd like you to meet

Mr. And Mrs. Stuyvesant.



Right, right.



- How do you do?

- Thornton!



How you doin'?



Hi there, sir. How are you?



Never mind. I got my own here.

It's all right.



Millicent, you look charming.

I love your dress.



Don't you, Thornton?



It's such a lovely shade

of green.



Yeah. If that dress had pockets,

you'd look like a pool table.



You should try

my Tall and Fat stores.



No offense.



May I speak to you

privately, please?



Watch my sandwich, will you?



I can't take any more of this!



You've insulted our friends,

you've insulted me...



and you've gone out of your way

to ruin this party.



Party? Are you kiddin'?

It's a dog show out there.



Your friends, they come here

for free food, free booze...



and to suck up to you

for donations.



You have no class, Thornton,

and I am tired of it.



I want a divorce.



Divorce. I knew

we had something in common.



Here, sign these.



I'm afraid it's not gonna be

that easy, honey.



This is gonna cost you...




Oh, yeah?



Let's talk about class

a minute, all right?



Here's you and Giorgio

in the guest room.



Classy, isn't it?



Here's you and Giorgio

in the rumpus room.



Another classy one, huh?



This one I can't figure out.

There's you, there's Giorgio...



what's with the midget

over here?



Hey, wait! I got more!



What happened in there?



What happened?



I got rid of Vanessa.

I feel like I just got paroled.



I'll tell you what bothers me...



I let her come

between me and Jason.



Lou, pack our bags.



We're going up to that college

to see my son!



Boy, will Jason be surprised.



Look, there's Greek letters.

That must be the house.



Is that an "amigo"

or a unicorn?



Beats me.

Don't you know any Greek?



The only Greek I know owns

a coffee shop on State Street.



Jimmy Pitsos, remember him?

He had an ugly wife...



four ugly kids,

and good coffee.



Wait here, I'll try this one.



Hello, hello!



Anybody here?



Jason, where are you?



Hey, I need some help here!



Buddy, I'm talking to you.

I need some help here!



Take it easy, honey!

I didn't see a thing.



You're perfect.



You jerk!



Perfectly understandable,

Mr. Melon.



It was an honest mistake.

Let's just call it a bad day.



Yeah, but a great view.

You're all right, officer.



Here, a little something

for the kids.



- Take that, it's OK.

- I don't have any kids.



No kids? Well, here,

get yourself some kids.



Take it all, all right?

And just remember...



the best thing about kids

is making 'em.



Even if I do manage

to graduate... ha ha...



what do I do then?

There's the private sector...



but look how bad

the job market is.



There's Valerie Desmond.



See you guys.



Look how tight

her ass is today.



Oh, man. You think

there's any way...



she would ever go out with me?



- No.

- Oh, thanks.



It's this whole stupid

capitalist system, you know?



It's set up to heap rewards...



on the advantaged

and the aggressive...



and to make sure

that two regular schmoes...



like you and me never get a date

with girls like Valerie Desmond.



I hate the whole bourgeois

mentality of this school.



Let me ask you

something else, man.



Do you make this bullshit up

as you go along...



- or do you actually read this?

- I read this. It's Karl Marx.



Famous book.

"Proletarian Chicks in Bondage."



It's a Condom House book.

Comes with a leather hood.



Is that the one

with the pictures?



- Can I borrow that?

- Let's move on.



Well, no, it's, you know...



Oh, yeah. Well, you know.



Dad, what are you doin' here?



I'm robbin' your room,

that's what I'm doin' here.



We drive     miles

to see the kid...



that's the greeting we get.

Come here, will ya?



How ya doin' there?



I'm sorry.

I'm really glad to see you...



but I wish

I knew you were coming.



I'll bet you did, huh?



I looked for you

at that fraternity house.



- They said you weren't a member.

- I can explain that.



They also told me

you're not on the diving team.



They said you were

the towel boy.



- I can explain that, too.

- OK, explain it.



- I lied.

- Great. That explains it, huh?



Jason, you don't lie to me.

You lie to girls.



Who's this?



Oh, I'm sorry.

This is my roommate.



That's Derek Lutz.



This is the dad,

and that's Lou.



- Is that your real hair?

- What do you think?



I think you're trying

to get back at your parents.



Show me the campus.

I want to talk to you.



Oh, good.



Boy, what a great-lookin' place.



When I used to dream

about going to college...



this is the way

I always pictured it.



Wait a minute. When did you

dream about going to college?



When I used to fall asleep

in high school.



Dad, I know how much

all this means to you...



- and I'm sorry I lied to you.

- You don't have to lie to me.



No matter what you do,

I'll love you just the same.



Will you love me

no matter what?



No matter what.



- I'm droppin' out.

- You're droppin' out?



You just got here.

You just started.



I know,

but I'm not making it here.



I don't fit in, you know?

I got one friend... Derek.



He's got no friends.



The girls don't like me,

the fraternities don't want me.



The diving coach

won't even talk to me.



Look at it this way...



at least you're getting

an education.



Dad, last semester

I got nothing but "Cs."



A, B, C...

you're in the top three.



What are you worrying about?



I just think I'd be

a lot better off...



gettin' a job or something.



You never went to college.

Look how great you're doin'.



Jason, I said it before

and I'll say it again.



I don't care how rich

and successful a man is.



Without an education,

he's nothing.



I mean, stay in school.

Study harder.



You can be whatever

you want to be.



You want to be a loser,

be a loser.



You want to be a winner,

be a winner.



Jason, it's up to you.

You can do it.



Remember, you're a Melon!



Dad, that's easy for you to say.

You don't have to do any of it.



OK, then.

I'll do it with you.



What do you mean,

you'll do it with me?



I mean just what I said.



I'm going to college.

What do you think?



What do I think?

I think you're nuts.



Nuts, huh? Who made the rules?

Come here. I'm going to college!



I'm going to college!



Let me get this straight,

Mr. Melon.



You wish to enter

this widely esteemed...



Grand Lakes University of ours

as a freshman?



That's right, Dean Martin.



- Are you comfortable?

- I'm fine, yeah.



Oh, the chair. I'm sorry.



This is an awkward moment

for me, Mr. Melon...



since I realize you're

a highly respected member...



of our business community.



- Thank you.

- You're welcome.



Our student body here

is handpicked by me...



from the crème de la crème...



of students all across

this great land of ours.



That's one of the things

I like about this place.



Yes. The point is, though...



since you have

no high school diploma...



and no transcripts of any kind,

no S.A.T. Scores...



and you're    to    years older

than our average freshman...



how can this university

ever see its way clear...



to accept you as a student?



As Calvin Coolidge once said...



"The business of America

is business"...



and the business of

an educational institution...



such as ours

is to create young minds...



that understand that

the business of America...



is the kind of business

that it actually is.



So, whatever it is that

I have said here today...



the point is

that we are here to honor...



our most generous benefactor...



and newest freshman...



the man who's

made it possible...



for us to break ground

here today...



Mr. Thornton Melon.



Dean Martin, great speech.



There's nothing like good,

clean business, huh?



And a little monkey business.



Oh, Philip. I'm so glad

you could make it.



Mr. Melon, I'd like for you

to meet Dr. Philip Barbay...



who's the dean

of our school of business.



David, I just want

to get it on record...



that I am totally against this.



I don't think

that selling admission...



to an obviously

unqualified student...



is very ethical or honorable.



Right, Phil,

but I'd just like to say...



in all fairness

to Mr. Melon here...



it was a really big check.



It's a simple matter

of this man's presence...



undermining the efforts

of our legitimate students...



who are here as a result

of hard work.



Hard work?



Listen, Sherlock, while you were

tucked away up here...



working on your ethics,

I was out there...



busting my hump

in the real world.



And the reason guys like you

got a place to teach...



is 'cause guys like me

donate buildings.



I wasn't speaking to you,

Mr. Melon.



I don't think

Dr. Barbay understands...



the actual amounts

that are involved here.



Mr. Melon, will you take

the ceremonial shovel?



Thank you.



And dig into the symbolic dirt.



I hereby dedicate

this building to... myself.



Now, Dad, it's just like

we talked about.



You sign up for whatever

interests you, OK?



We're gonna get

on the astronomy line...



before it closes up.

See you later.



Look at this.

This is worse than the track.



You want me to move

some people for you?



No, don't push anybody around.



This is college.

Let me think for a minute.



What are you gonna do?



Come on. I got an idea.



Did you get

everything you want?



I got the Latin

and the Sanskrit...



but then they canceled

my Ancient Greek.



Just blew my whole

dead languages motif.



What are you looking at?



You OK?



Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.



I'm just upset

because they closed botany.



Those bastards!



Well, I'm not that upset.



At least, I won't be

if I get into astronomy.



You want to cut

into line with us?



'Cause we're already waiting.



Yes. Yeah, I would.



Great. All right.



Oh, this is Derek.






I'm Valerie Desmond.



Yeah, I know.



- I'm Jason Melon.

- Hi.



- Hey, Valerie.

- Hi.



God, you look great.



Thanks. Are you taking

astronomy, too?



Yeah, I guess so.



I don't really want to.

I'm a business major.



But for some reason,

they want us to take a science.



You mind if I sneak

in the line with you?



Actually, these guys were

nice enough to let me in...



so it's really

up to them, I guess.



Melon, buddy?



Whaddaya say? Let me in, OK?



I don't think so, Osbourne.



Melon, your friend...

straighten him out.



Look, Chas,

there's a lot of people waiting.



It wouldn't really be fair.



I'll tell you what.



Maybe if you got a note

from each of these people...



saying that it was all right,

then we'd reconsider...



but until that day,

take a hike...



you elitist fraternity scumbag.



I won't forget this, Melon.



I'll see you at the pool.



- Bye, Val.

- Bye.



Thank you. I'm dead.



You're not gonna believe this!



- You're kidding!

- I'm not kidding! Just go!



He's out there!



Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce!



Where is he?



I don't know, kid.



All I know is I'm supposed

to pick him up here.



- When?

- Now.



Come on, let's register.



Hey, you guys

get everything you need?



Oh, yeah, we got it.



Good. What's with

the used books?



- What's wrong with used books?

- They've already been read.



And they've already been




That's the problem.



The guy who underlined them

could have been a maniac.



Get these guys some new books.



Charge it to me, too.

Here, pick a card.



And I'm taking four

of those school sweaters...



a bunch of pennants,

some of those beer mugs...



a few of these fuzz balls

you cheer with, and...



Hey, folks, it's on me!

Shakespeare for everyone, OK?



You, too, honey.

I'd like to tame your shrew.



- Who is that?

- That is Mr. Thornton Melon...



the world's oldest

living freshman...



and the walking epitome of

the decline of modern education.



The stupid clod thinks he can

buy his way out of the gutter.



I don't think so.

He was just having fun.



Oh, really? Well, I can't wait

to get him in my class.



We'll see how much fun

he is then.



Oh, Philip.



Hey, Mr. M! You're all set.

We've been working all night.



We got it all done.



Thanks, Buzzy.

I appreciate it.



Add a few hundred to the bill

and throw your boys a party.



You know what you got, Mr. M?

You got class.



It rubbed off from you, Buzzy.

Say hello to Sonia for me, huh?



You got it.



I want to talk to you

about my schedule.



We'll go over it later.



Well, boys,

what do you think?



Got a hot tub in there!



How can you study

if you're not relaxed?



When's our first class?



We got economics

tomorrow at   :  .



  :  ? No good.



I got a massage at   :  .

Tell them to make it  :  .



No, Dad, you don't get it.



They're not gonna reschedule

the classes around your massage.



All right,   :  .

But I'm gonna talk to that dean.



These classes can be

a real inconvenience.



All right, settle down, people.



We've got a lot to cover,

and time is short.



There are two kinds of people

in business today...



the quick and the dead.



So, rather than waste

your time this semester...



with a lot of

useless theories...



we're going to jump right in

with both feet...



and create a fictional company

from the ground up.



We'll construct

our physical plant...



we'll set up

an efficient administrative...



and executive structure...



then we'll manufacture

our product and market it.



I think you'll find it very

interesting and a lot of fun.



So, let's start by looking

at construction costs...



of our new factory.



What's the product?



That is immaterial...



for the purposes

of our discussion here...



but if it makes you happy...



let's say we're making

tape recorders.



Tape recorders?

Are you kiddin'?



The Japs will kill us

on the labor costs.



OK, fine.



Then let's just say

they're widgets.



What's a widget?



It's a fictional product.

It doesn't matter.



Doesn't matter.

Tell that to the bank.



Take it easy.

It's the first day.



On the board,

you will see a cost analysis...



for construction of

a       square-foot facility...



which will encompass

both factory and office space...



and is fully serviced

by all utilities...



a railroad spur line

and a four-bay shipping dock.



Hold it, hold it. Why build?

You're better off leasing...



at a buck and a quarter,

a buck and a half a square foot.



Take your down payment

and put it into CDs...



or something else you can roll

over every couple of months.



Thank you, Mr. Melon...



but we'll be concentrating

on finance...



a little later in the term.



For the time being,

let's just concentrate...



on the construction figures,

shall we?



You'll see the final bottom line

requires the factoring in...



of not just the material

and construction costs...



but also the architects' fees

and the cost of land servicing.



Oh, you left out

a bunch of stuff.



Oh, really?



Like what, for instance?



First of all, you have to grease

the local politicians...



for the sudden zoning problems

that always come up.



Then there's the kickbacks

to the carpenters.



And if you plan on using

any cement in this building...



I'm sure the teamsters

would like to have...



a little chat with you,

and that'll cost you.



Don't forget a little something

for the building inspectors.



There's the long-term costs,

such as waste disposal.



I don't know if you're familiar

with who runs that business...



but I assure you

it's not the boy scouts.



That will be quite enough,

Mr. Melon.



Maybe bribes and kickbacks...



and Mafia payoffs

are how you do business...



but they are not part of

the legitimate business world...



and they're certainly

not part of anything...



I'm teaching in this class.

Do I make myself clear?



Sorry. Just trying to help.

That's all.



Now, notwithstanding

Mr. Melon's input...



the next question for us is

where to build our factory.



How about Fantasyland?



My first class.

I did good, huh?



You better cool it

with Dr. Barbay.



Dr. Barbay, he don't know dick.



He really tells it

like it ain't.



Know what he knows how to do?

Flunk you.



Flunk me? Flunk him.



Great attitude. Do you know

where your next class is?



Contemporary American history.

Professor Turgeson.



- Turgeson?

- You know him? Is he good?



Well, he's really committed.



In fact, I think he was.

Just keep your head down...



and your mouth shut.

You should be all right.



- I'll see you in English.

- All right.



Welcome to Contemporary

American history.



I'm Professor Turgeson.



I know a lot of people

think history is just facts...



just information about the past,

but not me.



I hold history

very sacred. Sacred.



The way a farmer looks at

the Earth and holds it sacred.



The way a Christian

takes the Bible...



and he holds it sacred.



The way a lot of people

hold their marriage sacred.



That's how I feel about it.

So why don't we dive right in...



by interpreting

one of the easiest events...



in the last twenty years

of American history.



Now, can someone tell me...



why, in      we pulled

our troops out of Vietnam?



The failure of Vietnamization

to win popular support...



caused an ongoing erosion

of confidence...



in the various American...

but illegal... Saigon regimes.



Is she right?



'Cause I know

that's the popular version...



of what went on there.



I know a lot of people

like to believe that.



I wish I could,

but I was there.



I wasn't here in a classroom...



hoping I was right,

thinking about it.



I was up to my knees

in rice paddies...



with guns that didn't work,

going up against Charlie...



slugging it out with him,

while pussies like you...



were back here partyin',

puttin' headbands on...



doin' drugs, listening

to the goddamn Beatle albums!



Hey, Professor,

take it easy, will ya?



These kids were in grade school

at the time.



And me...



I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover.



Well, I didn't know you wanted

to get involved...



with the discussion,

Mr. Helper.



But since you want to help,

maybe you can help me, OK?



You remember that thing

we had about thirty years ago...



called the Korean conflict?



Yeah. Where we failed

to achieve victory.



How come we didn't cross

the   th parallel...



and push those rice-eaters back

to the Great Wall of China...



and take it apart

brick by brick...



and nuke them back into

the fuckin' stone age forever?



How come? Tell me?

Why? Say it! Say it!



All right, I'll say it.



'Cause Truman was too much

of a pussy wimp...



to let MacArthur go in and blow

out those commie bastards!



Good answer. Good answer.



I like the way you think.



I'm gonna be watching you.



Good teacher.

He really seems to care.



About what, I have no idea.



College is all right,

I'll tell you that.



Hey, buddy, be my guest.

Here's a pen.



Boys, here's a couple of pens,

in case you learn how to write.



- I know you.

- Oh, yeah? Here's a pen.



You do those

obnoxious commercials.



You're tall and fat.



Yeah, you're short and ugly.

Give me the pen back, will ya?



Honey, here's a pen.



Boys, how are ya?



"And Gibraltar is a girl...



"where I was a flower

of the mountain.



"Yes, when I put

the rose in my hair...



"like the

Andalusian girls used.



"Or shall I wear red?



"Yes. And how he kissed me

under the Moorish wall...



"and I thought...



"well, as well him as another.



"And then I ask him

with my eyes to ask again.



"Yes. And then he asked me

would I yes to say yes.



"My mountain flower.



"And first I put my arms

around him, yes...



"and drew him down to me...



"so he could feel my breasts

all perfumed, yes...



"and his heart was going

like mad, and yes...



"I said, yes, I will, yes."



Yes! Yes!



Thanks for the vote

of confidence.



I think Joyce

is pretty hot, too.



And now that

I've got your attention...



I'd like to run down

the reading list...



for the semester.

See what else turns you on.



What a woman.



Dad, she is the teacher.



I know. I like teachers.



If you do something wrong,

they make you do it over again.



Don't you think maybe

you should just take some notes?



Yeah, yeah.



I gave away all my pens.



I'm sorry. I need this back.



Here's a calendar for you.



Oh, hiya.



Hello, Mr. Melon.

You waiting for me?



Yes, I was. Look,

I know I'm only a freshman...



but what do you say

you and I have dinner tonight?



We could talk about Joyce.

She's my favorite writer.



You're not the usual freshman,

but I'm sorry, I can't.



The thing is,

I'm sort of going with someone.



Oh. Where you going?



That's a good question.



Actually, I'd like to join you,

but I have class tonight.



- How about tomorrow night?

- I have class then, too.



I'll tell you what, then.



Why don't you call me

when you have no class?



All right. Maybe I will.



Hello, Philip.



What did he want?



Oh, what do all men want?



He wants you to dress up

as Wonder Woman...



tie him up with a golden lariat

and force him to tell the truth?



No, just dinner, Philip.



Are you jealous

of Thornton Melon?



Certainly not.



I've been doing a great deal

of thinking lately.



I've been thinking about us.



- And?

- And I think...



we should start thinking

about forming a...



well, um...



A merger?



A merger, exactly.

Exactly, a merger.



A partnership.

Seriously, Diane...



we're both intelligent,

well-educated adults.



We should be together.

Incorporated, if you will.



Look at the balance sheet.

We were made for one another.



Oh, Philip, you darling.



I don't want to be merged

or incorporated.



I want to have fun

and be romanced and be loved.



So let's not rush

into anything.



Let's just start

by having fun, OK?



Hey, how are you?

What's happening?






A lot of people are talking

about your dad, man.



What's happening?



Hey, boys, how ya doin'?



I wonder why.



They have lockers.



You could've changed here.



I don't change

in front of guys.



Next thing you know, you're

showering with the fellas.



And the next thing you know...



you're pinned to a sophomore

named Chip.



Come on, let's go, huh?



I'll see you later.



That was pretty good.



Next time, hold the pike

a little longer.



Wait a minute.

I'll be right down.



Not bad.



All right, let's see one more.



Like I showed you.



All right.



What's a guy your age

doing here with these kids?



I'm lookin' for the fountain

of middle age.



What's your story?



I'm setting the new record for

the most consecutive losses...



by a diving coach

in this conference.



Hey, remember,

hold that pike longer.



- That your kid?

- Yeah.



Who coached him in high school?



Yours truly.



So, where did you learn

how to dive?



Atlantic City. The Steel Pier.

I was in the water show.



I used to open

for the diving horse.



You're kiddin'.

I'm from Jersey.



I practically spent

my entire life on that pier.



There was a guy,

did the most amazing dive...



called the Triple Lindy.



Hardest dive

I ever saw in my life.



- Who was that guy?

- Yours truly.



You're kiddin'.



I don't joke about dives.



Especially that one.

It almost killed me.



Boy, you were somethin' else.



Hey, can your kid do that dive?



Nah, nobody can.

It's too dangerous.



You know, he tried out

for the team last semester.



He didn't do that good.



Not that good, huh? Watch this.



Jason, do the two and a half!



Not bad.



My main Melon.

Come on, man...



there's a pep rally

for the football team.



- Let's go. We're there.

- Whoa, wait. What is this?



Me and Standish and Redding

are doing the anti-pep rally...



to point out that a violent

ground acquisition game...



such as football is, in fact...



a crypto-fascist metaphor

for nuclear war.



It sounds like

a lot of laughs...



but I'm supposed

to meet my dad and study.



He's supposed

to be here already.



OK, well...



if you change your mind, pal,

you know where I'll be.



If I change my mind,

I'll seek psychiatric help.



Excuse me.



What is the Oort system

and what does it tell us?



What? I'm sorry.



Astronomy, chapter two.



Oh, Oort, Oort.



Oort was this scientist,

and he figured out...



that the smeared-out density

of matter can be no greater...



than the solar mass

per cubic parsec.



You look thrilled.

It's not my theory.



Thanks, that helps a lot.



Listen, I was

just wondering...



would you do

my astronomy homework...



for the rest of the semester?



- Here you go.

- OK, right.



Hi, Mr. Melon.



Oh, you can call me Thornton.



Say, how about joining me

and my friend over there?



Your friend looks

a little strange.



Who, Lou? Lou's an animal.

Why, in his family...



he's only the second generation

that's standing up straight.



What lovely girls.



How would you like a life

of luxury and deceit?



Come on, join us in a beer. OK?



- Yeah, OK.

- OK.



Girls, this is Lou.

Lou, these are girls.



One, two.



One, two.



Shake it up, baby



Twist and shout



Come on, come on, come on, baby



Come and work it on out



Work it on out, honey



Honey, come here. I need

  more glasses for the girls...



and also,

bring a pitcher of beer...



every seven minutes

till somebody passes out.



And then bring one

every ten minutes.



You got it. Anyway...



I thought we were gonna go...



to the planetarium

and look at a lot of stars.



I had no idea this was

gonna be astrophysics.



It's not that hard.

You'll get it.



It's not hard for you,

because you're smart.



You're smart, too.



Yeah, but you're, like,

"smart" smart.



Do you study at the library

every night?



No. I was gonna meet

my dad there...



but he must be studying

at the dorm.



Shake it up, baby



Twist and shout



Come on, come on, come on, baby



Come on and work it on out



You know you twist it,

little girl



Lower, baby, lower.



Hey, guys,

let me see some I.D.



Not that low, baby.



Come on and twist a little

closer now



To the left, baby, to the left.



And let me know you're mine



That's the spot, baby.



Hold it, hold it!

Oh, you are there!



Shake it, baby



Shake it, shake it, baby



Come on and shake it,

shake it, shake it, baby



- Shake it now

- Shake it



OK, go ahead.



Jason, what are you doing here?



What am I doing here?

What are you doing here?



We were supposed to study,

remember, in the library?



The library.

I was supposed to be there.



Hey, what's going on?



Chas, check it out.



Hey, Clark.



Interesting little rally

you guys had tonight.



Yeah, right. They got paint

all over my girlfriend.



I'm gonna kill

them little pinheads.



Yeah? Well, you came

to the right place...



because guess who's here...

Derek Lutz.



Hey, Lutz!



You know who I am?



Let me see...




supra-orbital ridges...



small cranium,

     C.C. Brain...



Neanderthal man.



You... I want you

to call his mother.



You tell her

he's never coming home.



Whoa, hold it. You sure

you even got the right guy?



Look how many people

got blue hair these days.



Shut up, meathead.



Take it easy, will ya?



I mean, the war's over.

Get new parts for your head.



Yeah? Want to make

something of it?



Oh, no. I never get physical.

I just get upset...



and when I get upset,

he gets physical.



You got a problem?



No, I haven't got a problem.



Now you do.



Get him!



Lou, where you been?



I'm getting my ass kicked

all over the place!



- Well, you look terrible.

- No, I'm all right.



It's Lou I'm worried about.

He may lose his trigger finger.



It serves you guys right.



Why did you have to take on

the whole football team?



They're not that tough.



The football team

at my high school was tough.



After they sacked

the quarterback...



they went after his family.



This morning we're going to look

at "The Great Gatsby"...



by F. Scott Fitzgerald.



Mr. Melon, how would you

characterize "The Great Gatsby?"



Who, him?



No, you.






Well, "The Great Gatsby,"

he was...






See me after class, Mr. Melon.



I mean, please,

try to understand.



I don't have

the background for this.



The high school I went to...



they asked a kid to prove

the law of gravity.



He threw the teacher

out the window.



I know what I need.

I need a tutor.



What do you say? Come on.



You got some spare time.



All right, Mr. Melon.



I have some spare time

this evening.



Why don't you come around

about  :  ?



- Great.

- I'll give you my address.



- Thanks.

- Please be on time.



I'll be on time.



What penmanship.



"Everywhere the ceremony

of innocence is drowned;



"The best

lack all conviction...



"while the worst are full

of passionate intensity."



There's a lot

of other stuff here.



Yeats goes on and on...

and here's the finish.



"What rough beast,

its hour come round at last...



"slouches towards Bethlehem

to be born?"



What does that

make you think of?



Rough beast. My ex-wife.



Well, that's

one interpretation.



Not the right one,

but it's a start.



Surely a man of your age

and experience...



must have read some

of the things on my list.



- What about "Macbeth"?

- I saw the movie.



Orson Welles.

Great actor, big actor.



He was a Tall and Fat

customer for years.



How about

"Cat on a Hot Tin Roof"?



I saw the movie. Burl lves.



Great actor, extra stout.

He was a customer, too.



- "Streetcar Named Desire."

- Great movie. Marlon Brando.



He wasn't that big then,

but he ballooned up nicely.



I'd say pound for pound,

our finest American actor.



Don't you ever read?



Who has time? I see the movie.

I'm in and out in two hours.



Oh, Thornton, don't you see?



The reason you want

to read these works...



is so you can experience them

for yourself...



so you can share the thoughts

and feelings of the writer...



without the interference

of your actor and director...



and professor's point of view

getting in the way...



to truly share

and understand...



the common feelings

of all mankind...



the feelings of being alive.



That was beautiful.



I understand

what you're saying, too.



I'm glad.

That makes me feel good.



I got an idea.



Let's keep talking over dinner.



I'm supposed to meet

someone for dinner.



I could cancel,

though, I guess.



We are working, after all.



You can't work

on an empty stomach.



You can't concentrate

when you're hungry.



Oh, I don't know.

I really shouldn't.



- I have so many things to do.

- Oh, come on. I'll help you.



I'll take out the garbage.

I'll do the dishes.



I'll do your nails.

I'll do your hair.



You have no idea

what I want to do.



- I'll call him.

- I'll dial it!



I'll just get the light.



I think I'm attracted

to teachers.



I took out an English teacher.

That didn't work out at all.



I sent her a love letter.

She corrected it.



Oh, great. Company.



- Those two ought to get a room.

- Really.




I was married twice.



My first wife, Jason's mother,

I really loved her.



We had a good thing going,

you know?



She passed away

about ten years ago.



After that, I screwed around

for a few years.



Then I really went nuts...

I married Vanessa.



I was just lonely, I guess.



Is that over now?



We were doomed from the start.



I'm an earth sign,

she's a water sign.



Together, we made mud.



I picked a beauty.

And she played around, too.



When she said, "I do,"

I should have said, "With who?"



So, are you

giving up on women?



I don't know.

I can't figure women out.



Today, they're independent.



They only think

about themselves.



During sex, Vanessa used

to scream out her own name.



I think it's the men

who are different.



Ever since

the women's movement...



most of the men I meet

go out of their way...



to show you

how sensitive they are.



Before they were too macho,

and now they're too soft.



You all want us to know

you can cry.



No, with women,

I never cry. Never.



I beg.



If we finish

this bottle of wine...



you won't have to beg.






Oh, Philip.



We were supposed

to go to dinner.



I just had dinner!



I don't believe this.



Maybe it's a dream.

Good night, Philip.



You do a good job.



What do you charge

for big cars?



I had a lot of fun, Thornton.



Me, too.

And thanks for the lesson.



I learned a lot.



You're welcome. I did, too.






Well, I guess

this is good night.






A very good night.






Oh, that's it.



That's the spot.

Just keep doing that.



Oh, don't lose it.



Oh, Lou, you're great.



The leg is better.

You got the cramp out.



You're a wreck.

You gotta start working out.



And you know what else?



You have got midterms

coming up.



You haven't studied five minutes

since you got here.



You're always so neat.



You're just like

your Uncle Vito.



We were kids,

his room was always in order.



His towels lined up neatly...



combs, brushes, hair lotions

all in the right place.



What did it mean?

What is he today?



He's an attendant

in the men's room.



Hey, he's my idol.



But I'm not gonna be

folding towels anymore...



'cause I just made...

ta da... the diving team.



That's great!



I'm takin' you out.



We'll celebrate.

We're havin' a party!



Oh, no, Dad, that's really nice,

but I'm in training now.



We got a big meet coming up

against Northern.



We'll have a party

after the meet.



Dad, why don't you join me

on a little reality break, OK?



Just 'cause you're in love

with Dr. Turner...



does not mean you're

gonna pass her course.



You got a major paper

coming up on Kurt Vonnegut.



You haven't even read

any of the books.



I tried.



I don't understand

a word of it.



So, how you gonna

write the paper, then?



Hi, I'm Kurt Vonnegut.

I'm looking for Thornton Melon.



Want to come in? Dad?



I don't want to hear

one more word out of you...



or it's back to the tree.



Come in.



Excuse me. Dr. Barazini?



I'm Thornton Melon.



Oh, yes, Thornton Melon.

I know you.



You delivered the paper

on isomagnetic brain waves...



in Montreal last year.



No, I sold you your pants.



Oh, of course.

Good to see you.



What are you doing here?



I'm supposed to report here

for my lab project.



Oh, good. I'm trying to teach

these here apes...



how to read and write.



You ought to teach them

how to go to the bathroom.



You'll get used to that.



Now, all you have to do

is put a new tape...



in the tape machine every hour

and observe the animals.



I'll be back in a few hours

to check on you.



- OK, fine.

- All righty.



You don't need this.

I'll find you an organ grinder.



Hiya, Marge?

A few things.



I need you and the gang to get

down here as fast as you can.



And I have to talk to Peterson,

the accountant.



I'm gonna need him, too.



Oh, thanks.

And, Marge, I need...



See if you can get somebody

at the Rand Corporation...



or the Brookings Institute to

come down here for about a week.






And Russell hits him

with a powerful front body slam!



No problem.



They're takin' a break,

that's all.



In      the United States

accumulated deficits...



greater than the supply

of gold the country held.



In that year, Richard Nixon...



took the United States

off the gold standard.



In doing so, he disrupted...



the entire international

monetary system.



What is that clicking noise?



Are you a student

in this class?






Who are you?



I'm Marge Sweetwater...



Mr. Thornton Melon's

private secretary.



What are you doing here?



I'm taking notes for Mr. Melon.



He told you to write down

everything I say?



Yes, he did.






Take this down.



Mr. Melon,

no matter what you do...



no matter what stunts

you pull...



no matter how hard you try...



you will never, ever

pass this course.



Make sure he gets that.



Yes, sir.



I'll tell you what.



It's for Barbay.

Make it an "A."



Where's the lab report

on psychology?






It's too light.

It feels like a "C."



Bulk it up and add a few

multicolored graphs.



- Yo, Dad.

- Jason, hold it, will ya?



Listen, everybody.

Let's see "As" across the board.



I'll tell you what...



a ten percent bonus

for every grade over "B."



And an A+ gets you a free trip

to Hawaii... off-season.



- Dad, what's going on here?

- I'm doing my homework.



No, they're doing

your homework.



A good executive knows how

to delegate authority.



I took care of you, too.



- And what's this?

- Your astronomy report.



- What's wrong with you?

- What's wrong with you?



I want to write that paper.

I'm gonna write that paper.



That's why I'm taking astronomy,

to learn something!



You're never gonna learn

a goddamn thing...



if you got people

doing your work for you!



Oh, never mind.



Kids... they always do things

the hard way.



Ladies and gentlemen,

the visiting team...



the Northern University




And your Grand Lakes

University Hooters!



- Hey, there's your boy!

- Jason!



While the teams are warming up,

we'd like to remind you...



that all proceeds

from the refreshment stands...



go to your student government.



Hey, Valerie. How you doin'?



Glad you could come. Listen.



My dad is having a party

tonight at the dorm...



and it should be pretty great.

His parties usually are.



I'd love to come,

except for I have a date.



Oh. Well, hey, bring him along.



It's OK.

You just both come by.



I'll really try.



Good. I hope

I'll see you there.



It sounds like fun. I wish

my dad were more like yours.



Hey, Chas.



Good luck, buddy.

Let's get them.



Yeah. Thanks, Melon.

I'd wish you luck, too...



but I guess a guy like you

doesn't need luck.



What's that supposed to mean?



With your old man behind you...



I figured since he bought

your way onto the team...



he probably bought off

the judges, too.



Oh, there's Thornton.






I can't imagine what you can

possibly see in that man.



Philip, would you excuse me

for a minute?



Yes, yes.



- You look great.

- Oh, thanks.



Where you been?

I called you a hundred times.



I made four dates

with your answering machine.



I'm sorry I missed you.

Things have been so hectic.



I've been reading midterm papers

and grading exams.



Did you read mine yet?



Not yet,

but I'm looking forward to it.



I'm throwing a party

in our room tonight...



and you better be there.



I'm sorry. I have a date

with Philip tonight.



Bring him along.

We may run out of ice.



First diver

for Grand Lakes University...



Chas Osbourne.



Hey, Coach! How are ya?

How you doin', huh?



Next diver for Grand Lakes...

Jason Melon.






What's going on?



This is always

the best party of the year.



I don't know.

Some big event at the dorms.



- We're thinkin' of going over.

- To Melon's? Are you nuts?



Why don't we go?



Valerie, please.

It'll be horrible.



Jason said it would be great.

It might be fun.



Jason's a twerp. We could have

won if it weren't for him.



Haven't you ever messed up?






I'm all dressed up

with nowhere to go



Hey, baby!



Walking with a dead man

over my shoulder



I'm all dressed up

with nowhere to go



I love three girls at once.



If I fall asleep,

they have each other to talk to.



Nice look.

What are you going for?



The heavy, disassociated

artist thing...



or the "I'm going blind" thing?



Oh, It's the deaf thing.

Maybe this will cheer you up.



Oh, do me!



Derek! Get up, will ya?



You look like the poster boy

for birth control.



Jason, it's a party.

What's your story?



What's the matter?

The swim meet?



Forget about it. It's history.



Come on, will ya? Snap into it!



You're right, Dad.

It doesn't matter, Dad!



Right, Dad?

Come on, party, right?



Hey, buddy!



Everybody, make some noise,

have some fun!



What's that noise?



It's a party, Philip.

Midterms, remember?



They're just blowing off steam.



You there.



What's going on here?



The Melon man is throwing

the greatest party of all time!



The whole world is there.

It's the best thing...



that's ever happened to me

in my whole life!



Oh, God.



Look at that!



Listen to that racket.



This is disgraceful.

I should phone security.



Oh, Philip.



Good. Apparently I'm not

the only one around here...



with a sense of decency.



Yeah. Cool!



Did you see...

where are you going?



Intellectual curiosity, Philip.



Sounds fun in there.

Come with me.



- Oh, please!

- Oh, Philip!



It's a dead man's party



Who could ask for more



Everybody's coming



Leave your body

at the door



Leave your body and soul

at the door



Don't run away



It's only me



Don't run away



It's only me, only me



Don't be afraid



Of what you can't see



Say when.



Right after this drink.



Hey, what's a bath

without Bubbles?



Hey, Bubbles,

come over here, will ya?






- Hi there.

- Hi!



- What's your favorite subject?

- Poetry.



Really? Maybe you can help me

straighten out my Longfellow.



Excuse me.

Have you seen Thornton Melon?



I think he's in there.






Excuse me.

Has anyone seen Thornton Melon?



That's what I call

marine biology.






Say hello to my nieces.



Wait a minute!



Jason? There you are.

I was looking all over for you.



Jason, are you OK?

I'm sorry about the swim meet.



Shit. Swim meet.



Jesus, you think I care

about the swim meet?



I mean, it's just

a stupid college game.



It's just bullshit.



Why are you acting like this?



I know you don't think

like that.



Oh, you do?



Grow up, Valerie.

You think this is real?



This isn't real.

College is a dream world.



This is something you do

to pass the time...



till you go out in the real

world and start buying people.



Let's go for a walk

and talk this out.



There you are.



Can we go? I'm bored.



Oh, Christ, Osbourne...



will you just get

your ass outta here?



What a surprise.

Another shit-faced Melon.



Do I gotta knock your teeth

down your throat?



Easy. Your father isn't here

to back you up this time.






Are you OK?



Jason! I was lookin' for ya.



Hey, come here. Where ya goin'?



Where am I going?



I'm leaving school, Dad.

One of us has gotta go.



You're having such a great time.

I'm getting out.



Why? I don't get it.



Because you didn't win

the diving meet?



No, not because I didn't win!



Because I shouldn't

even have been there.



Chas told me

you bribed the coach...



to put me on the team.

Real good!



What? And you believed him.

I never lied to you in my life.



I didn't bribe the coach.



You were on the team

because you deserve it.



You made it on your own.



Dad, you don't get it.



Everything I have

is because of you...



and because of you...



I get my astronomy homework

done for me by NASA.



I just want the best for you.

That's all I ever wanted.



I did it all for you.



I know, but you don't know

when to quit.



I know you came here to help me,

and I really appreciate it...



and it's really sweet,

and it's really not working.



Can't you let me just do

something for myself?



I just want to see you happy.



Well, take a good look!



'Cause I was a lot happier

when I was miserable.



I enjoyed reading that, Susan.



It's a nice improvement.

Thank you.



Diane, why'd you fail me?



I didn't, Thornton.

You failed me.



- Is it because of last night?

- No. I can accept the fact...



that you're completely

regressed emotionally...



but you won't pass my course by

turning in someone else's work.



What do you think,

someone else wrote this?



All I know is that you didn't.

That's what disappoints me.



Whoever did write it...



doesn't know the first thing

about Kurt Vonnegut.



And another thing, Vonnegut.



I'm going to stop payment

on the check.



What's that? Fuck me?



Kurt, do you read lips?

Fuck you!



Next time

I'll call Robert Ludlum.



Derek, have you seen Jason?



I think he's on

a three-state killing spree.



Here's some more

potentially bad news.



Dean Martin wants to see you

in his office right away.



Dean Martin.



And she said, "Let's do it.

The room's already paid for."



Oh, golly.

I'm afraid we have...



a potentially unpleasant

situation on our hands here.



Phil, would you repeat

to Mr. Melon...



the allegations

that you've made to me?



It's clear the work you've

handed in is not your own.



I'm accusing you

of academic fraud.



Fraud is such an ugly word...




the financial generosity...



that Mr. Melon has shown

towards our fine university.



I think Mr. Melon

should be expelled.



What are you going

to do about it?



Well, Thornton...



I'm only going

to ask you this one time.



Is the work that

you turned in your own?



I can't lie to you,

Dean Martin.



Yes, it is.



I'm satisfied.



- Phil?

- I'm outraged.



Gee whiz, Phil!

I just asked the man...



if the work was his,

and he said yes.



What do you want me to do,

torture him?



I suggest a comprehensive

oral examination...



conducted by all of

Mr. Melon's professors.



Oral examination?



Yes. If you've done the work

you say you have...



there should be no problem,

should there?



Hey, Jase.



Hey, Lou. How you doin'?



Come here.

I want to tell you something.






You were pretty hard

on your father last night.



I know, but the guy

doesn't understand.



I know your pop thirty years.

He understands.



He's a nice guy,

and he's tough.



Like me.

I'm nice, and I'm tough.



I'll give you an idea

what I mean.



My two boys... I put one

through college...



and the other

I put through a wall.



Your papa loves you.



He's lookin' out for ya.

Look out for him.



What's goin' on?



I'm leavin'. I'm sorry, Jason.



This college thing

was a big mistake.



- So you're gonna give up?

- I can't win.



They want me to take oral exams

in all my subjects.



If I don't take them,

they'll kick me out.



And if I take 'em,

who knows where they'll kick me.



Hey, Dad, you remember

what you told me...



when I told you

I wanted to quit?



You told me that a man

without an education is nothing.



I can't do it.



You can do anything

you want to do.



You can do anything

you want in life.



Remember, you're a Melon.



Don't quit. I'll help you.



Before we begin...



I would just like to thank

each and every professor here...



for taking time out of

his/her extremely busy schedule.



And a special thanks, of course,

to Mr. Thornton Melon...



who I don't have to remind

anyone is the donor...



of our new

Melon School of Business.



We're wasting time.



Sorry, Phil.



Now, Mr. Melon,

you'll have three hours...



to complete the examination.



If you fail any part of it,

you will be expelled.



Mr. Melon, do you understand?



- The Council of Trent.

- Excuse me?



I missed the question.



We haven't begun yet.



Well, Dr. Barbay,

I suppose you're up first.



I have only one question

for Mr. Melon...



in    parts.



I'd like to break him

in    parts.



Excuse me?



No, nothin', nothin'.



Discuss the foundations of

modern global business systems.



Part one: Define

and differentiate...



the three economic




of capitalism, socialism

and communism...



as pertains to:

A... management fundamentals;



B... organizing and staffing;



C... labor management;



and D... production

and operations.



Part two...



Are you getting

all this, Mr. Melon?



Yeah. It's a piece o' cake.









I wanted to apologize

for the other night...



my behavior

and the things I said.



And to thank you...



for your behavior

and the things you said.



I'm really sorry.



And I'm really

in love with you...



and I really have been

for a very long time.



And I can't believe

I'm saying this.



I don't want

to embarrass you...



or make you feel

uncomfortable with me...






I've been needing to tell you

this for a very long time.



Are you aware that

that's the most...



you've ever said to me

at one time?



Except, of course, for the time

that you were ravingly drunk.



I love you, too.



In response

to Roman numeral   ...



section three, part two...



of subset D...

of the question...



the answer is...



Mr. Melon?



Mr. Melon?



Hey, relax. This man's been put

under a lot of pressure.



Let's take it easy on him.



Say it! Say it!



The answer is... four?






Dr. Turner?



Hold it. That's it.



I can't take it no more.



I feel like I just gave birth

to an accountant.



Wait a minute, Thornton.



Thornton, do you remember

when we discussed...



the Dylan Thomas poem...



"Do Not Go Gentle

Into That Good Night"?



I don't know.



No. Maybe.



Thornton, think.



What's going on here?



Philip, relax. It's my turn.



Do you remember it?



"Do not go gentle into...



"into that good night.



"Old age should burn

and rage...



"at close of day.



"Rage, rage against

the dying of the light.



"Wild men who caught...



"and sang the sun in flight

and learned too late...



"they grieved it on its way.



"Do not go gentle

into that good night.



"Grave men near death...



"who see with blinding sight.



"Blind eyes could blaze

like meteors and be gay.



"Rage, rage against

the dying of the light.



"And you, my father,

there on the sad height.



"Curse, bless me now...



"with your fierce tears,

I pray.



"Do not go gentle

into that good night.



"Rage! Rage against

the dying of the light!"



Thornton, what does that poem

mean to you?



It means...



I don't take shit from no one.



I'm gonna pass this test.



I'm stayin' in school!

Who's next?



Now diving for

the Atlantic Eastern Eagles...



current conference champion...

Doug Nelson.



You know what you

almost never see?



Somebody heckling a diver.



- You're all right, kid.

- Thanks, Lou.



Please refrain from making

loud noises during the dives.



Next up, the Atlantic

Eastern Eagles'...



Bill Steincap.



That concludes Atlantic

Eastern's ten-meter dives.



Next up,

the Grand Lakes Hooters.



We would like to remind you...



tickets to all Grand Lakes

sporting events...



are available through

the student services office.



Are you interested

in Valerie Desmond?



She's with me.



Coming into your own,

are you, Melon?



I wouldn't break my arm...



patting myself on the back

if I were you.



Because... get this, towel boy...



no matter what you think,

you will always be a crude...



obnoxious, nouveau riche

little phlebe...



and you're gonna end up

just like your father.



God, I hope so,

'cause I happen to love the guy.



First up for

Grand Lakes University...



Chas Osbourne...



former national

high school champion.



- Jason dive yet?

- Not yet. Did you pass?



I don't know.

They'll let me know.



Now diving

for Grand Lakes University...



Jason Melon.



Attaboy, Jason! You did it!



All right!



I can't believe it.

We could actually win this.



Melon's dive has put the Hooters

back in this meet.



What's the matter?



You're up next, Chas.



I have got

a really bad cramp.



I've been having

really bad cramps all week.



- It's probably menstrual.

- Screw you, Melon!



Coach Turnbull,

you got another eligible diver?






Melon! We need ya!

Get your suit on!



Go ahead.



Oh, not a chance.

In the shape I'm in...



you could donate my body

to science fiction.



Get your suit on! We need ya!



Come on, pal.

Show 'em what you got.



Melon! We need ya!



Now diving in substitution

for Grand Lakes University...



Thornton Melon.



He's on my substitute roster...



but I don't have it right now.



But what I'll do is,

first chance I get...



I'll bring it to you.



What dive is he gonna do?



The Triple Lindy.



Melon! Melon! Melon!



There will be an additional

springboard installed...



for Melon's dive,

the Triple Lindy.



- Is that hard?

- It's impossible.



Melon! You did it!



That was great!



Oh, you were great!

That was incredible!



I guess there's nothing

you can't do.



I've got the results

of your exams right here.



Do I want to hear 'em?



You passed!

All "Ds" and an "A."



Who gave me the "A"?



- I did.

- Oh, yeah?



I would like to introduce

our speaker today.



This is the first time...



in the history

of this fine institution...



that a freshman

has given this address.



Mr. Thornton Melon.



Thank you very much.



Thank you, Dean Martin,

President Sinclair...



and members

of the graduating class.



I have only one thing

to say to you today...



it's a jungle out there.



You gotta look out

for number one.



But don't step in number two.



And so,

to all you graduates...



as you go out into the world

my advice to you is...



don't go!

It's rough out there.



Move back with your parents.

Let them worry about it.


Special help by SergeiK