Voila! Finally, the Bad Taste
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Peter Jackson movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Bad Taste. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Hello, emergency.
What service did you require, please?
Hello, quick, anybody,
just get help!
-Where are you calling from, sir?
-Kaihoro, phone box.
There was this roaring noise
and a big white light in the sky...
and then... these...
invaders started killing us!
Hold on sir, l'll connect you
with the lnternal Affairs Dpt.
-No time, they're after me...
-Hello?
Aaaargh!
ls there anybody there?
What do you think, Minister?
Call a full-scale invasion alert, sir.
l'll phone the forces,
fighters frigates, footsloggers...
Perhaps that could all be
a bit showy.
l think this is a job for real men.
Just stop right there!
Stop!
l think you'd better kill him, Barry.
Jeez, he could be
Ministry or Works...
No, he's moving too fast.
Stop!
This is definitely your last chance!
That's the story!
l always thought you were
left-handed.
No, the head shot's
the only true stopper.
Ugh...
Aw Jeez!
l hope l'm note the poor bastard
that's got to clean that up.
Jesus!
Stick all the bits of brain
in a plastic bag, Barry.
We'll need them for analysis.
No bloody way mate.
Come down here and do that yourself.
You're the yung-ho scientist.
All right.
l'll be down straight after lunch.
But at least take a blood sample.
No need.
l'll just wring my strides out.
Well, at least we got
one live specimen.
Yeah.
Seen anyone else about,
Barry?
No, the place is completely
deserted.
They're probably all dead,
that's at least people.
Jeez, l just hope we're in time
to save the world.
Well, l just hope you got it right
this time.
No doubt about it Barry.
l've been watching the skies.
And do you know
what the skies did?
-They pointed...
-They pointed at this place.
Why can't aliens be friendly?
There's no glowing fingers
on these bastards.
We've got a bunch of extra-terrestrial
psychopaths on our hands.
Like a... visit from a planet
full of Charlie Mansons.
They've wiped out
a small town for starters.
lt's my guess they'll go on
to something bigger next time.
-Christchurch, Wellington...
-Auckland?
Yeah, well that wouldn't be so bad.
Well you'd better contact
the others, Derek.
They should be in range now.
Tell them to keep an eye out...
for someone who could be
heading this way.
-Who?
-A collector.
There's some appeal on.
There's envelopes stuck
on all the doors...
and today's collection day.
Hey! There's something
that's just occurred to me too, mate.
What's that?
That joker you topped a while back.
He might have friends.
l'd keep my eyes skinned
if l were you.
You needn't worry.
l'm not stupid, thanks...
Come in Frank.
Ozzy, are you there?
Boys, are you there?
Turn it down, Ozzy!
That's elevator music
for headbangers.
Frank! Ozzy!
Are you there?
Yeah, we're here mate, but could
you use the proper call-sign?
-There could be people listening.
-There's nobody for miles, Frank.
Besides, l don't think
whispering's going to help.
He's got a point there, Frank.
What do you mean, nobody for miles?
l thought you were in Kaihoro
l am in Kaihoro
and l was right all long.
-They've done the entire town.
-Who's done the town?
The extra-terrestrial low-lifers.
And guess what!
We've caught one of the bastards!
Me and Barry got him
loping over the hills...
just like he owned the bloody place.
-Huh?
-Now do you believe me?
Jeez, look Derek,
just keep him there.
-You got him secured?
-Bloody oath!
Right, now don't touch him.
We'll be there in minutes.
Whatever you do, don't harm him.
No physical violence!
Another thing, Derek,
keep a careful look-out.
-There could be more about.
-There was! Down on the beach!
Hell, well look.
Don't go near him.
-lt's a little late for that, Frank.
-What?
lt wasn't me.
Barry shot his head off.
He had the magnum.
l knew it was a mistake
to issue weapons.
We're a government department,
not a para-military unit.
The Astro-lnvestigation
and Defence Service.
Wish they change that name!
Due to the potentially
dangerous hazards involved...
All right, at least you managed
to convince the minister.
Aren't you interested
in this joker we caught then?
-Course we are, Derek.
-Right.
Stay where you are and l'll give you
an eye-witness description...
of this inter-galactic wanker.
Well, l'd describe him as
sort of human-shaped.
He's got jeans
and a blue shirt on.
Christ, he's nabbed
a bloody farmer!
Yeah, but there's
something strange about him.
Like he's got a screw loose
or something.
lt's a bloody farmer!
Yeah, Derek strikes again!
ls this another false alarm like the
Manners Street lnvasion Alert?
How do you explain the disappearance
of an entire township then, Frank?
The Kiwi Jonestown, of course,
that's it.
Drinking beer laced with cyanide
from little polystyrene cups.
Yeah, yeah,
OK Derek, just do me one favour.
What?
Try not to make him extinct
before we get there.
Out!
Christ, what a dork!
How the hell did he get in this team?
Well, this has buggered your plans
for conquering the universe, eh?
My friend the astro-bastard.
Time for talkies.
By the time my colleagues
get here...
l want to have you babbling
in some extra-terrestrial language.
Now in case you don't want
to do what you're told...
l could always encourage you
by hammering this cold steel...
into your fibula.
lt'll sure poke a nasty hole
in your marrow, mate.
We'll get the old ball rolling, eh?
Now, what are you dirty hooers
doing on my planet?
Oh, bugger it!
Well, looks as if it's time
for the old count of ten.
One...
Two...
Three...
Six...
Seven, eight...
Nein...
Ten.
Derek!
Derek!
Derek!
Come in, Derek!
What?
Aw jeez!
Oh, l should have expected that.
-Derek!
-All right!
Quickly Derek!
Come on!
Jeez Barry, you've got awful timing.
What?
Just listen to me.
You've got to get out of there fast!
Five of those blue-shirted freaks
are coming up.
They heard their mate screaming.
Get out of there fast Derek.
l can't do that.
l'm a Derek.
Dereks don't run.
Well, get up a tree or something.
Yeah, look don't worry.
l've taken precautions.
Oh, shit!
Shit!
Bastards!
Eat lead sucker!
Mammy!
l think this is going a little bit
over the top, Ozzy.
Nah, this'll do the trick.
Nobody'll be coming up this road.
But the nearest nuclear
reactor's in America.
But it could have been an explosion on
one of those Springbok warships.
Frank!
Ozzy!
Frank! Ozzy!
Come in!
Yeah, what is it Barry?
Jeez you guys
we're in trouble this time.
lt's really hit the fan.
Derek's wiped out
five of these alien jokers.
The place is like a bloody abattoir.
Where's Derek now?
Well, he's..
he's turned his toes up, guys.
Took a dive off the bloody cliff.
He's popped his rivets.
Poor Derek!
Who's going to look after
his aviary now?
Yeah, birds were the only thing
he could relate to.
Right, we'll be there
in about fifteen minutes.
No, l think it'll be best
if you sty where you are.
Just get the car off the road
until l call you back.
l'm going to head off in the direction
that alien joker was going...
when me and Derek caught him.
He must have been going
somewhere.
They've probably got a base
up there or something.
They don't need a base.
They beam down from their spaceship.
Well maybe they haven't seen
Star Trek, Ozzy.
Come on!
Shit!
Bye, bye!
That's my overtime up to date.
Here, do you want to do yours?
Hey, Frank!
Yeah, what is it Barry?
Where exactly are you two?
About five miles from Kaihoro.
Yeah well just stay put.
l think l might have spotted something
and l'm moving in closer.
Finished, Oz?
Oh, shit!
Uh, your phone...
Could l use your phone?
l was just... l was...
We've got trouble.
Good one!
Right, we're on our way.
l suppose you're wondering
why you're soaking...
in Reg's eleven
secret herbs and spices.
Tomorrow we're having you
for lunch.
You are the exotic
new taste sensation.
Human flesh is it!
You're going to be the first bit of meat
that we've had a chance...
to get our teeth into
since we arrived.
So we're going to treat ourselves
to a feast...
with you as the main course.
lt's quite an honour really.
We'd better leave
so he can get some sleep.
l'll have the head, Reg.
l want to suck his brains out.
We ought to go back to
get reinforcements.
-That'll take a day.
-And the rest!
Take two days to do
the bloody paperwork.
Yeah, and by then that collector
bloke could be dead.
lf he's not really.
Look, we'll go in....
after midnight.
Well, guess l'll have
to issue a gun to Ozzy.
Yeah, but don't forget about
his personality disorder.
Open season on E.T.s, Frank?
Remember Ozzy...
Get in quietly, get out quietly.
l certainly hope that is the case.
Sorry, Oz.
We won't be needing that.
Bloody Barry!
Bastard!
What are we going to do
if we're spotted, Frank?
Well, l guess we shoot the bastards.
My turn to the magnum.
l just wish we didn't have
to wear all this crap.
Yeah but you know what
the rules are.
When we work undercover
we have to remain faceless.
Oh l get it, just in case we kill
a lot of innocent people.
Don't you forget, we're only
authorised to use violence...
when there's a threat
to the planet earth.
-And the moon!
-And the moon!
There you go, Oz.
Stick this stuff on.
We ought to have a look around.
lf these are aliens, they might have
parked their spaceship.
They might have come
in a telephone box.
Well let's just get that guy out
and will contact base...
and give them
the code-words for invasion.
''The bastards have landed.''
''The bastards have landed.''
l'll be there in a moment, Robert.
Welcome my friends.
The job is almost done.
We take off for home tomorrow.
l'm sure you'll be pleased
to be leaving this shitty planet.
ln the meantime l must impress
upon you the importance...
of remaining in human form...
no matter how awkward, uncomfortable
and ugly it makes you feel.
We are so close to success
that we must take no chances.
Right.
Looks pretty quiet.
-Probably all gone to bed.
-Jeez, l hope not.
Right, synchronise watches.
Twelve oh one.
Check.
Check.
Let's go.
We're on triple time.
The sad news is that
we will be heading for Nalic Nod...
with six of our co-workers
in a state of permanent death.
They died today,
murdered by some real arse-holes.
Robert escaped their clutches
and reported back to me.
My God!
What the...?
My God... the blood!
Shit!
Somebody could get killed in here.
Vacuum the floors,
clean the windows and...
all the boxes must be loaded into
the freezer early in the morning.
We've been wasting our time
unless we can present samples...
to the Nalic Nod Fast Food Authority.
lsn't it amazing how you can fit
a whole town of humans...
into a few card of board boxes,
if you slice off the fat?
lt's the value of keeping your knife
sharp and your mind clean.
Jesus guys, Derek was right!
This is what's left
of the people from Kaihoro.
They're in those boxes!
Get him, Barry!
For God's sake guys,
keep it quiet!
Shut him up, Oz.
l've just cleaned that bit.
Uh, that's gross!
Gee!
They come to bits easy!
Get rid of it!
The old magic's still there.
What are you doing Frank?
l'm going to go in and find out
what's going on.
Here, he was carrying this.
You, stay here.
...the importance of keeping the
bloody books up to date.
The past week has been difficult...
and l would like to say
how proud l am of you all.
The manner in which you conducted
a very tricky slaughter operation...
has been a real credit to you
and indeed...
to the whole Crumb's Crunchy
Delights organisation.
Your paychecks will reflect
the gratitude of the company.
l don't think we'll have
any more trouble.
However...
we will be handing
these around later.
l am certain that...
when the homo sapiens taste takes
the galaxy by storm as it will..
Crumb's Crunchy Delights
will be back at the top.
McYaballow's Fried Moonrat
won't know what hit them.
All the livestock we need
are right here.
Four billion of them!
Right, Robert.
Once the Fast Food Authority
have checked the samples...
and issued
the Mass Slaughter Permits...
this grotty little planet
will tremble...
under the full might of
the Lord Crumb restaurant chain!
Within a year the giant mincer
will descend from the sky...
the sun reflecting
from its silver bits...
and no army on earth
will be able to stop...
the noddy-burger machine!
l see the gruel is ready!
An exquisite bouquet, Robert.
Aren't l Lucky, l got a chunky bit!
Here you are, boys.
We'll bring out a whole line...
of homo-sapiens low-calorie
delicacies...
juicy raw rump...
brains soaked in lemon juice...
spinal fluid sauce...
assorted organ stew...
sapien-burguers...
and chewy homo nuggets.
Just before we leave tomorrow...
we'll have a little party dinner
with fresh local meat.
lt's my show of appreciation
to you all.
Christ, you'll never believe
what l just had to do!
Did you have to drink
some chuck?
Come on, let's find that guy
and get out of here.
Goodnight, boys.
Goodnight, Reg.
Oh, Robert,
what a lovely little hottie!
You OK?
Careful!
-Thanks.
-Get dressed.
Door!
Well, at least we got in quietly.
Stay here!
Up here!
Got him!
Good one!
Get the bastards!
There's more outside!
Split up!
Send the boy up here!
Come on!
How many did you see?
About eight or nine.
Nah, there's heaps more.
That's one less.
-Ever been in a gun battle before?
-No.
Me neither, but this one's
going to be beaut eh?
Go Frank!
Cover the back!
Gotcha!
Come on!
Look out!
l bet that cleared his sinuses.
That's another beer you owe me,
Oz.
Let's go that way.
You reckon?
Too right!
Bastard!
Bastard!
Go, l'll cover you!
Where the hell's Barry?
Aw, sod it!
Oh, shit!
Jeez!
The gun, Robert!
Come on Barry,
stop farting around!
Right, let's go out of here.
What the hell is that?
-Well it sounds to me like...
-Oh shut up, codpiece face!
You three, kill them!
The rest of you get these bodies
on board the ship.
-Jeez, they're real dickheads!
-Derek was right all along.
Get him, Oz!
Get down!
Oh, bloody hell!
Come on, baby!
Keen jogger, mate?
Should have bought a Holden,
Frank!
What's up, Oz?
You go on, l'm going to go back
and stop those bastards.
-We're supposed to be going for help.
-You go.
Besides, you're not going
to be back in time to stop them.
Come on!
Good one!
That was my car!
Just go to the nearest phone
and call head office.
-Hi, my name's Giles Copeland.
-Yeah, l'm Barry, let's go.
That's the end of those
weekend cowboys!
Let's go home.
Dum dum dum...
Jesus Oz, what are you doing?
That's an historical homestead!
Yeah, l know it.
l've got another one here, too.
Wankers!
For God's sake, Oz,
put that thing down.
Let's get in there
and hit the leader.
Hey, wait for me!
Holy shit!
OK then!
Quit playing with them.
Good one!
-Yaaah!
-Derek!
-Bastards!
-Jesus!
-He's gone apeshit!
-Bastard!
Let's get the hell out of here!
-Are you all right?
-Get the launcher!
Blast the bastard!
No!
Ozzy!
Frank!
Where the hell are you going?
Come here!
Holy shit!
Derek!
Jeez Oz...
Here you go mate.
-l don't smoke.
-Uh!
Bastards!
Hello, are you there?
Mummy!
...very well really.
But then these pricks
tried to take us on...
but we soon fixed them...
Lost all the scummy
third-class labourers...
but l've got some great samples...
l'll be home
in about twenty minutes.
Hold the line!
Shit!
Suck my spinning steel, shithead!
l'm born again!
l'm coming to get you bastards!