Bad Taste Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Bad Taste script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Peter Jackson movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Bad Taste. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Bad Taste Script





Hello, emergency.

What service did you require, please?



Hello, quick, anybody,

just get help!



-Where are you calling from, sir?

-Kaihoro, phone box.



There was this roaring noise

and a big white light in the sky...



and then... these...

invaders started killing us!



Hold on sir, l'll connect you

with the lnternal Affairs Dpt.



-No time, they're after me...







ls there anybody there?



What do you think, Minister?



Call a full-scale invasion alert, sir.



l'll phone the forces,

fighters frigates, footsloggers...



Perhaps that could all be

a bit showy.



l think this is a job for real men.



Just stop right there!






l think you'd better kill him, Barry.



Jeez, he could be

Ministry or Works...



No, he's moving too fast.




This is definitely your last chance!



That's the story!



l always thought you were




No, the head shot's

the only true stopper.






Aw Jeez!



l hope l'm note the poor bastard

that's got to clean that up.






Stick all the bits of brain

in a plastic bag, Barry.



We'll need them for analysis.



No bloody way mate.

Come down here and do that yourself.



You're the yung-ho scientist.



All right.

l'll be down straight after lunch.



But at least take a blood sample.



No need.

l'll just wring my strides out.



Well, at least we got

one live specimen.






Seen anyone else about,




No, the place is completely




They're probably all dead,

that's at least    people.



Jeez, l just hope we're in time

to save the world.



Well, l just hope you got it right

this time.



No doubt about it Barry.

l've been watching the skies.



And do you know

what the skies did?



-They pointed...

-They pointed at this place.



Why can't aliens be friendly?



There's no glowing fingers

on these bastards.



We've got a bunch of extra-terrestrial

psychopaths on our hands.



Like a... visit from a planet

full of Charlie Mansons.



They've wiped out

a small town for starters.



lt's my guess they'll go on

to something bigger next time.



-Christchurch, Wellington...




Yeah, well that wouldn't be so bad.



Well you'd better contact

the others, Derek.



They should be in range now.



Tell them to keep an eye out...



for someone who could be

heading this way.




-A collector.



There's some appeal on.



There's envelopes stuck

on all the doors...



and today's collection day.



Hey! There's something

that's just occurred to me too, mate.



What's that?



That joker you topped a while back.



He might have friends.



l'd keep my eyes skinned

if l were you.



You needn't worry.

l'm not stupid, thanks...



Come in Frank.

Ozzy, are you there?



Boys, are you there?



Turn it down, Ozzy!



That's elevator music

for headbangers.



Frank! Ozzy!

Are you there?



Yeah, we're here mate, but could

you use the proper call-sign?



-There could be people listening.

-There's nobody for miles, Frank.



Besides, l don't think

whispering's going to help.



He's got a point there, Frank.



What do you mean, nobody for miles?

l thought you were in Kaihoro



l am in Kaihoro

and l was right all long.



-They've done the entire town.

-Who's done the town?



The extra-terrestrial low-lifers.



And guess what!

We've caught one of the bastards!



Me and Barry got him

loping over the hills...



just like he owned the bloody place.




-Now do you believe me?



Jeez, look Derek,

just keep him there.



-You got him secured?

-Bloody oath!



Right, now don't touch him.

We'll be there in    minutes.



Whatever you do, don't harm him.

No physical violence!



Another thing, Derek,

keep a careful look-out.



-There could be more about.

-There was! Down on the beach!



Hell, well look.

Don't go near him.



-lt's a little late for that, Frank.




lt wasn't me.



Barry shot his head off.

He had the magnum.



l knew it was a mistake

to issue weapons.



We're a government department,

not a para-military unit.



The Astro-lnvestigation

and Defence Service.



Wish they change that name!



Due to the potentially

dangerous hazards involved...



All right, at least you managed

to convince the minister.



Aren't you interested

in this joker we caught then?



-Course we are, Derek.




Stay where you are and l'll give you

an eye-witness description...



of this inter-galactic wanker.



Well, l'd describe him as

sort of human-shaped.



He's got jeans

and a blue shirt on.



Christ, he's nabbed

a bloody farmer!



Yeah, but there's

something strange about him.



Like he's got a screw loose

or something.



lt's a bloody farmer!



Yeah, Derek strikes again!



ls this another false alarm like the

Manners Street lnvasion Alert?



How do you explain the disappearance

of an entire township then, Frank?



The Kiwi Jonestown, of course,

that's it.



Drinking beer laced with cyanide

from little polystyrene cups.



Yeah, yeah,

OK Derek, just do me one favour.






Try not to make him extinct

before we get there.






Christ, what a dork!

How the hell did he get in this team?



Well, this has buggered your plans

for conquering the universe, eh?



My friend the astro-bastard.

Time for talkies.



By the time my colleagues

get here...



l want to have you babbling

in some extra-terrestrial language.



Now in case you don't want

to do what you're told...



l could always encourage you

by hammering this cold steel...



into your fibula.



lt'll sure poke a nasty hole

in your marrow, mate.



We'll get the old ball rolling, eh?



Now, what are you dirty hooers

doing on my planet?



Oh, bugger it!



Well, looks as if it's time

for the old count of ten.















Seven, eight...


















Come in, Derek!






Aw jeez!



Oh, l should have expected that.




-All right!



Quickly Derek!



Come on!



Jeez Barry, you've got awful timing.




Just listen to me.

You've got to get out of there fast!



Five of those blue-shirted freaks

are coming up.



They heard their mate screaming.



Get out of there fast Derek.



l can't do that.

l'm a Derek.



Dereks don't run.



Well, get up a tree or something.



Yeah, look don't worry.

l've taken precautions.



Oh, shit!









Eat lead sucker!






l think this is going a little bit

over the top, Ozzy.



Nah, this'll do the trick.

Nobody'll be coming up this road.



But the nearest nuclear

reactor's in America.



But it could have been an explosion on

one of those Springbok warships.







Frank! Ozzy!

Come in!



Yeah, what is it Barry?



Jeez you guys

we're in trouble this time.



lt's really hit the fan.



Derek's wiped out

five of these alien jokers.



The place is like a bloody abattoir.



Where's Derek now?



Well, he's..

he's turned his toes up, guys.



Took a dive off the bloody cliff.



He's popped his rivets.



Poor Derek!



Who's going to look after

his aviary now?



Yeah, birds were the only thing

he could relate to.



Right, we'll be there

in about fifteen minutes.



No, l think it'll be best

if you sty where you are.



Just get the car off the road

until l call you back.



l'm going to head off in the direction

that alien joker was going...



when me and Derek caught him.



He must have been going




They've probably got a base

up there or something.



They don't need a base.

They beam down from their spaceship.



Well maybe they haven't seen

Star Trek, Ozzy.



Come on!






Bye, bye!



That's my overtime up to date.

Here, do you want to do yours?



Hey, Frank!



Yeah, what is it Barry?



Where exactly are you two?



About five miles from Kaihoro.



Yeah well just stay put.



l think l might have spotted something

and l'm moving in closer.



Finished, Oz?



Oh, shit!



Uh, your phone...

Could l use your phone?



l was just... l was...



We've got trouble.



Good one!



Right, we're on our way.



l suppose you're wondering

why you're soaking...



in Reg's eleven

secret herbs and spices.



Tomorrow we're having you

for lunch.



You are the exotic

new taste sensation.



Human flesh is it!



You're going to be the first bit of meat

that we've had a chance...



to get our teeth into

since we arrived.



So we're going to treat ourselves

to a feast...



with you as the main course.



lt's quite an honour really.



We'd better leave

so he can get some sleep.



l'll have the head, Reg.

l want to suck his brains out.



We ought to go back to

get reinforcements.



-That'll take a day.

-And the rest!



Take two days to do

the bloody paperwork.



Yeah, and by then that collector

bloke could be dead.



lf he's not really.



Look, we'll go in....



after midnight.



Well, guess l'll have

to issue a gun to Ozzy.



Yeah, but don't forget about

his personality disorder.



Open season on E.T.s, Frank?



Remember Ozzy...



Get in quietly, get out quietly.



l certainly hope that is the case.



Sorry, Oz.

We won't be needing that.



Bloody Barry!




What are we going to do

if we're spotted, Frank?



Well, l guess we shoot the bastards.



My turn to the magnum.



l just wish we didn't have

to wear all this crap.



Yeah but you know what

the rules are.



When we work undercover

we have to remain faceless.



Oh l get it, just in case we kill

a lot of innocent people.



Don't you forget, we're only

authorised to use violence...



when there's a threat

to the planet earth.



-And the moon!

-And the moon!



There you go, Oz.

Stick this stuff on.



We ought to have a look around.



lf these are aliens, they might have

parked their spaceship.



They might have come

in a telephone box.



Well let's just get that guy out

and will contact base...



and give them

the code-words for invasion.



''The bastards have landed.''



''The bastards have landed.''



l'll be there in a moment, Robert.



Welcome my friends.

The job is almost done.



We take off for home tomorrow.



l'm sure you'll be pleased

to be leaving this shitty planet.



ln the meantime l must impress

upon you the importance...



of remaining in human form...



no matter how awkward, uncomfortable

and ugly it makes you feel.



We are so close to success

that we must take no chances.




Looks pretty quiet.



-Probably all gone to bed.

-Jeez, l hope not.



Right, synchronise watches.



Twelve oh one.









Let's go.

We're on triple time.



The sad news is that

we will be heading for Nalic Nod...



with six of our co-workers

in a state of permanent death.



They died today,

murdered by some real arse-holes.



Robert escaped their clutches

and reported back to me.



My God!



What the...?

My God... the blood!






Somebody could get killed in here.



Vacuum the floors,

clean the windows and...



all the boxes must be loaded into

the freezer early in the morning.



We've been wasting our time

unless we can present samples...



to the Nalic Nod Fast Food Authority.



lsn't it amazing how you can fit

a whole town of humans...



into a few card of board boxes,

if you slice off the fat?



lt's the value of keeping your knife

sharp and your mind clean.



Jesus guys, Derek was right!



This is what's left

of the people from Kaihoro.



They're in those boxes!



Get him, Barry!



For God's sake guys,

keep it quiet!



Shut him up, Oz.



l've just cleaned that bit.



Uh, that's gross!




They come to bits easy!



Get rid of it!



The old magic's still there.



What are you doing Frank?



l'm going to go in and find out

what's going on.



Here, he was carrying this.



You, stay here.



...the importance of keeping the

bloody books up to date.



The past week has been difficult...



and l would like to say

how proud l am of you all.



The manner in which you conducted

a very tricky slaughter operation...



has been a real credit to you

and indeed...



to the whole Crumb's Crunchy

Delights organisation.



Your paychecks will reflect

the gratitude of the company.



l don't think we'll have

any more trouble.






we will be handing

these around later.



l am certain that...



when the homo sapiens taste takes

the galaxy by storm as it will..



Crumb's Crunchy Delights

will be back at the top.



McYaballow's Fried Moonrat

won't know what hit them.



All the livestock we need

are right here.



Four billion of them!



Right, Robert.



Once the Fast Food Authority

have checked the samples...



and issued

the Mass Slaughter Permits...



this grotty little planet

will tremble...



under the full might of

the Lord Crumb restaurant chain!



Within a year the giant mincer

will descend from the sky...



the sun reflecting

from its silver bits...



and no army on earth

will be able to stop...



the noddy-burger machine!



l see the gruel is ready!



An exquisite bouquet, Robert.



Aren't l Lucky, l got a chunky bit!



Here you are, boys.



We'll bring out a whole line...



of homo-sapiens low-calorie




juicy raw rump...



brains soaked in lemon juice...



spinal fluid sauce...



assorted organ stew...






and chewy homo nuggets.



Just before we leave tomorrow...



we'll have a little party dinner

with fresh local meat.



lt's my show of appreciation

to you all.



Christ, you'll never believe

what l just had to do!



Did you have to drink

some chuck?



Come on, let's find that guy

and get out of here.



Goodnight, boys.



Goodnight, Reg.



Oh, Robert,

what a lovely little hottie!



You OK?







-Get dressed.






Well, at least we got in quietly.



Stay here!



Up here!



Got him!



Good one!

Get the bastards!



There's more outside!



Split up!

Send the boy up here!



Come on!



How many did you see?



About eight or nine.



Nah, there's heaps more.



That's one less.



-Ever been in a gun battle before?




Me neither, but this one's

going to be beaut eh?



Go Frank!



Cover the back!






Come on!



Look out!



l bet that cleared his sinuses.



That's another beer you owe me,




Let's go that way.



You reckon?



Too right!









Go, l'll cover you!



Where the hell's Barry?



Aw, sod it!



Oh, shit!






The gun, Robert!



Come on Barry,

stop farting around!



Right, let's go out of here.



What the hell is that?



-Well it sounds to me like...

-Oh shut up, codpiece face!



You three, kill them!



The rest of you get these bodies

on board the ship.



-Jeez, they're real dickheads!

-Derek was right all along.



Get him, Oz!



Get down!



Oh, bloody hell!



Come on, baby!



Keen jogger, mate?



Should have bought a Holden,




What's up, Oz?



You go on, l'm going to go back

and stop those bastards.



-We're supposed to be going for help.

-You go.



Besides, you're not going

to be back in time to stop them.



Come on!



Good one!



That was my car!



Just go to the nearest phone

and call head office.



-Hi, my name's Giles Copeland.

-Yeah, l'm Barry, let's go.



That's the end of those

weekend cowboys!



Let's go home.



Dum dum dum...



Jesus Oz, what are you doing?

That's an historical homestead!



Yeah, l know it.



l've got another one here, too.






For God's sake, Oz,

put that thing down.



Let's get in there

and hit the leader.



Hey, wait for me!



Holy shit!



OK then!



Quit playing with them.



Good one!











-He's gone apeshit!




Let's get the hell out of here!



-Are you all right?

-Get the launcher!



Blast the bastard!












Where the hell are you going?

Come here!



Holy shit!






Jeez Oz...



Here you go mate.



-l don't smoke.







Hello, are you there?






...very well really.



But then these pricks

tried to take us on...



but we soon fixed them...



Lost all the scummy

third-class labourers...



but l've got some great samples...



l'll be home

in about twenty minutes.



Hold the line!






Suck my spinning steel, shithead!



l'm born again!



l'm coming to get you bastards!


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