Bananas Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Bananas script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Woody Allen movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Bananas. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Bananas Script





Good afternoon. Wide World of Sports

is in the Republic of San Marcos



where we're going to bring you

a live, on-the-spot assassination.



They're going to kill the president

of this lovely country



and replace him

with a military dictatorship.



Everybody is about as excited

and tense as can be.



The weather this afternoon is perfect

and, if you've just joined us,



we've seen a series of colourful riots



that started with the bombing

of the American Embassy,



a ritual as old as the city itself.



Then the leader of the Labour Union,

Julio Doaz,



was dragged from his home

and beaten by an angry mob.



lt was one of the most exciting

spectacles l've ever seen.



We'll probably have a videotape

replay of that later on.



All around, there are

colourful flags and hats.



Now the moment we've been waiting for

is here. Everyone is getting quiet.



The president will leave his office

and walk down the steps of the palace.



For that, we're going down on the

playing area. Take it away, Howard.



This is tremendous, Don, just tremendous.



The atmosphere heavy,

uncertain, overtones of ugliness.



A reminder, in a way, of how it was

in March of      at Miami Beach



when Clay met Liston for the first time



and nobody was certain

how it would turn out.



The crowd is tense.

They've been here since ten this morning.



And... And l think l see...

the door beginning to open.



El presidente may be coming out.



The door opens. lt's he.



lt's El presidente.



He turns!



And down!



lt's over. lt's all over 

for El presidente!



This reporter is going to get to him,

if he can, through this mob



for one last word before he expires.



As you can see,

this crowd is not to be trifled with.



They're in a frenzy. They're trying

to get over to El presidente



even as l am trying to do now.



Would you people let me through?

This is American television.



American television.

Please let me through.



We're getting through now.



Here we are. Here we are. Sir.



Sir, you've been shot.

When did you know it was all over?



Fascist... dictator.



You're upset. That's understandable

under the circumstances.



l guess now you'll have to announce

your retirement.



Well, good luck to you, sir.



Now, if you folks will bear

with me for a moment,



l'm going to try and get in a word

with the new dictator of San Marcos.



That's assuming l can get through

this noisy, demonstrative crowd.



l wonder if you people

would let me through.



l see the general off in the distance.



The new dictator

talking to one of his men.



Excuse me. Excuse me, sir.



General. General, congratulations.

General Emilio Molina Vargas.



General, a word from you,

if you will, sir, for our viewers.



For many years, l have waited for

this day, but now l am the state.



You may say that, sir, but many

important diplomats contend



that you remain

the most hated man in the state.



l will shut down the newspapers.

l will train my soldiers.



We'll find the rebels.



They may be in the form of democratic

guerrilla factions off in the hills.



No, sir. We'll find them. Don't worry.



- Good luck to you, sir.

- Thank you, sir.



Well, you've heard it with your own eyes.



Now we're going to have to see

what the future brings.



Now, from the little dictatorship

of San Marcos in Latin America,



let's go back to Jim McLane

in our studios in New York.



Gentlemen, the Exec-usiser.



The latest work-in-progress

at General Equipment.



lt's only in the development stage,



but it should be in the market

within two years.



lt certainly looks impressive.



The Exec-usiser is a device to help

busy executives exercise



without ever pausing

in their crowded work schedule.



More Americans suffer heart attacks

from lack of exercise.



You know why? Because there aren't

enough hours in the day



to keep physically fit and still function

effectively in one's business.



This is Mr Fielding Mellish,

our research tester,



who will demonstrate the Exec-usiser.



Every part of the body receives

an adequate exercise work-out.



The pedalling develops the muscles

to keep the leg muscles flexible.



When Mr Mellish pulls the drawer out,

a weight has to be lifted



on top of the desk which exercises

his arms and his back muscles.



The telephones are both spring activated.



Both muscles in the biceps are given

a work-out to sustain flexible arms.



On the back wall,

there's a handle for each arm.



As he pulls, the back muscles

are brought into action



in a manner that keeps

the back flexible and strong.



The basketballs

at the side of the machine,



as they're handled by Mr Mellish,

develop reflexes.



- How many can you put out a year?

- We'd like you to manufacture them.



We can let you have the idea,

let you have our package.



We can let you have it all

on a royalty basis.



We can show you how to turn it out.

We can show you how to save money.



- And you think it'll sell?

- No question.



lf we can get it in the office,

we can get it in the armed forces.



You'll do business

with the US government.



l'm not suited to this job.



Where do l come off testing products?

Machines hate me.



l should be working at a job that

l have some kind of aptitude for.



Donating sperm

to an artificial insemination lab.



- Every day we gotta hear this.

- Why did l quit college?



- l could've been something today.

- What would you have been?



l don't know.

l was in the Black Studies programme.



By now, l could've been black.



- ..consistent loser at the table.

- That's my weakness. l lose.



- l don't know what l'll do tonight.

- Get a date. We'll double.



- Ok, l'll call Barbara.

- Have her bring a friend.



- Forget it.

- l had a date. She called it off.



- There's a dock strike.

- See what Norma's doing.



- She's always ready for action.

- Who?



You... You busy tonight?



Some old friends are coming over.



We're gonna show

some pornographic movies.



You need an usher?



You're cute. l'm busy.



Get a copy of Time magazine



and l think l'll take Commentary

and the Saturday Review.



And... let's see, Newsweek.



l'll just... grab one of these.



Take 'em all.



Fifty, a dollar, dollar and a quarter...



Hey, Ralph,

how much is a copy of Orgasm?



- Just put 'em in a bag, will you?

- What?



Orgasm. This man wants to buy a copy.

How much is it?



Doing a sociological study on perversion.



l'm up to advanced child molesting.



Come back. Back, back.

More, more, more.



Back, back, back.



Hi. l'm collecting names on a petition



to request our government

to break relations with San Marcos



which is ruled

by a military brutal dictatorship



opposed to any concept

of civil liberties. Would you sign?






- l'm sorry. l broke the point.

- That's Ok.



Want to come in? l have a pencil.

And l'll give you another pencil.



Have you been following it

in the newspapers?



Soon there's gonna be a revolution

in San Marcos.



The United States should support

the rebels and not the dictatorship,



which, as you know, has been our history.



What do you do?



l'm a products tester

for a large corporation.



l make sure products

are safe and practical.



Today l tested an exercise machine



and an electrically warmed

toilet seat for cold days.



Would you like some coffee?



lf you're hungry, l could open

a can of ribs if you want.



Ribs? l'd love some coffee,

but l have a lot of work to do.



Here, l'll make you some. lt'll take

two seconds to make some coffee.



How can l find out more about your

cause? l have a lot of spare time.



Would you like to volunteer

for the Volunteers for San Marcos?



ls it possible to discuss that

over dinner tomorrow night?



Doesn't have to be tomorrow night.

l'm open for the next six years.



l have a yoga class tomorrow night

and l couldn't miss that.



Yoga. l love yoga.



Do you really? Yoga -

it's one of my great passions.



l love Eastern philosophies.



lt's... metaphysical and redundant.



- Yes.

- Abortively pedantic.



- l know just what you mean.

- Thank you.



Have you ever read the l Ching?



Not the actual Ching itself,

but l've dabbled in kierkegaard.



- Oh, well, of course he's Danish.

- Yes.



He'd be the first to admit that.



Yeah... Yeah.



You know, l was just saying to...

Have you ever been to Denmark?



l've been to... Yes, to the Vatican.



The Vatican? The Vatican's in Rome.



Well, they were doing so well in Rome

that they opened one in Denmark.



l was just saying to someone the

other day that the Scandinavians



seem to have such an instinctive

feel for the human condition.



That's very wise.

You know, that's... l think, pithy.



lt was... pithy.



lt had... great pith.



Yeth. Pith.






Lithen, l have to... Listen, l have

to go. l have a lot of work to do.



l'd love to have coffee,

but l don't have time.



- l have an early class tomorrow.

- lt'll just take a second.



l know, but l have more bells to ring

and l have an early class.



- Really? You a student?

- Yeah. City College.



That's a great school. l ate in their

cafeteria once. l got trichinosis.



- Oh. l'm a philosophy major.

- That's a wonderful subject.



Wonderful thing. What is the meaning

of life and death? Why are we here?



- You like Chinese food?

- Yeah. That sounds... When?



The night after tomorrow?



That's... l can't. l have a meeting

of my women's liberation group.



You're not... You don't have

hostility to the male sex?



Women's rights do not automatically

mean castration.



Don't say that word. Now l've got to

walk around like this for two days.



l know. l'm that way on that word

appendicitis. l can't take that.



- But castration.

- Castration, appendicitis. Either.



- No, there's a difference.

- No, there isn't.



What about Saturday?



Listen, why don't you take

my phone number here



and call me on Sat...



Call me on Saturday.

lt's those two pieces right there.



Ok? Bye. l may be bombing

an office building, but l'll find out.



- Ok. lt was nice to meet you.

- Nice meeting you, too.



Oh, wait. You forgot to sign my petition.






Nancy. You may call me Fielding.



l think Mr Mellish is a little formal.



The two of us together.



Fielding from the Latin meaning

''strong'' or ''with strength''.



You'll come to lean on that strength

after a while



and to know you can rely on me.



l've always been a great champion

of the underdog.



l think anyone could tell you that, my pet.



You see, Nancy, l've always

been devoted to humanity.



To a guy like me, the greatest crimes

are the crimes against human dignity.



How is it?

Can you hear the music clearly?



This should be a great seller in California.



You wanna play poker tonight?

We got room.



- l can't. l got an appointment.

- What kind?



- l'm gonna picket an embassy.

- What?



Don't worry. l know what l'm doing.



lt's a little light.



l'll get the shade.



- Do you have any candles?

- No. Why?



This light for the mood -

it's not right, right now.



That's too light.



- ls it warm in here?

- Warm?






Where's the bathroom?



- The bathroom?

- Right there.



Leave a little air.



l love you. l love you.



Say it in French. Please say it in French.



- l don't know French.

- Oh, please. Please.



What about Hebrew?



l was... l was always very shy

when it came to girls.



l remember when l was a little boy,



l once stole a pornographic book

that was printed in Braille.



l used to rub the dirty parts.



And l... l guess l had a good

relationship with my parents.



l... They very rarely hit...



l think they hit me once, actually,

in my whole childhood.



They started beating me

on the   rd December     



and stopped beating me

in the late spring of '  .



l was a nervous child.

l was a bed-wetter.



When l was younger,

l used to sleep with an electric blanket



and l was constantly electrocuting myself.



lt's funny, l had this dream

that l've had since l was a child.



l had it again one night last week.



Where l'm...



l have to tell you something

and l don't know how to break it.



- Fielding...

- Why? ls something the matter?



Have you seen X-rays of me?



l saw X-rays of you.



- l fail to see the humour of this.

- You didn't see the X-rays.



- Tell me what's the matter.

- Nothing.



You know when your heart beats?

Well, my heart is beating.



l just don't think we should

see each other any more.



- Really?

- Yeah.



- l'm sorry.

- Why? What's the matter?



There's just something missing

for me and l don't know what.



What do you mean?

Something missing from me?



- Yes.

- What do you mean? Like what?






Can you say what is missing from me?



No. Maybe if you could guess

a few things, l could try.



- What do you mean? Can you tell me?

- l don't know what's missing.



- ls it personality or looks?

- Well, no.



- Am l not smart enough?

- No.



- Because l'm not...

- No.



lt has nothing to do with height?



lt has nothing to do

with the fact you're short



or the fact that you're not bright enough.



Nothing to do with the fact

that your teeth are in bad shape.



So what, then? l don't understand.

Has it got to do with...



lt's not my personality.

Do you have fun when you're with me?



No... But it's not that.



lt's not that l don't have fun with you...



We have fun when we laugh.

Don't tell me that we haven't laughed.



- lt's not that we haven't laughed.

- Certainly l laugh a lot.



- Sometimes you don't laugh and...

- l can't put my finger on it.



- Something's missing.

- What? Can you be specific?



The relationship isn't going anywhere.



- Where do you want to it go?

- Where could we get it to go?



That's not... l don't know where.

l love you.



l mean, l love you and you love me.



No. And it's not because l don't love you.



- Then you love me?

- No, l don't.



- That's what l mean...

- But that's not why.



Something is missing.

l need a very strong man.



- l'm strong.

- l need a leader.



l have all the qualities of leadership.



l'm interested

in so many vital political things.



- Me, too. That binds us together.

- l wanna work with pygmies in Africa.



l wanna work with lepers

on a leper colony.



No, that's perfectly Ok.



l love leprosy. lf that's what you're

asking me. l'm perfectly willing...



l like leprosy. l like cholera.

l like all the major skin diseases.



- You're immature, Fielding.

- How am l immature?



Emotionally, sexually and intellectually.



- Yeah, but what other ways?

- Maybe it's my fault.



- Maybe l just can't give.

- Why don't you receive? l'll give.



- l'm not ready to receive.

- Then you give and l'll receive.



l can't receive...



l'm a person who can only receive

if another is giving.



- l can't give. l'm sorry.

- lf we each receive, it might work.



l can't. My trouble is l'm receiving

and l'm not able to give or receive.



- l would give if you could receive.

- l don't know how l can help you.



- lf we both receive or both give...

- l can't receive and l can't give.



lt's not going to work out.

lt's no use, Fielding. l'm sorry.



Goodbye. l'm sorry if l hurt you.



Don't worry about me, sweetheart.

l'm like a cat.



l'll always wind up on my feet.



Can you believe that? She says

l'm not leader enough for her.



- Who's she looking for - Hitler?

- Women are very temperamental.



We went everyplace together.

We did everything. We fell in love.



- l fell in love. She just stood there.

- Did you have trouble in bed?



You kidding? Do l look like the kind

of guy that'd have trouble in bed?



- l didn't. l didn't.

- Was that any reason to quit the job?



l'm so depressed. l'd kill myself

if l thought that she would marry me.



- What are you gonna do?

- l gotta get out of here.



l'm going down to San Marcos.



We were gonna go down there together.

We were gonna write a paper on it.



She was gonna write it.

l was gonna type it.



l gotta see what conditions

down there are like.



Jesus. Life is so cruel.



See what l mean?



- Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

- Fielding.






l wanted to tell you that tomorrow

l'll be going out of the country.



What? Why are you going

out of the country now?



- lt's a very long story...

- Martin, Martin. A girl?



- So what are you gonna do?

- l'm going down to South America.



- To a country called San Marcos.

- l've never heard of it, dear.



- And...

- Are they nice people there?



Nice? lt's a turbulent situation and

l've been following it for a while.



Sure you have. You should've stayed

in school and followed study.



- l have a son myself...

- Will you stay out of this, please?






Ruth, don't talk to him about going away.



Talk to him about becoming a doctor.

Who will l leave this hospital to?



Will you cool it, Martin?

Don't get on his back. Let him alone.



Dr Mellish, you should let him

have his own way.



Ruth, we've been married    years.

My name isn't Martin. lt's Al.



Al Mellish, remember?



l wanted my son to be a great surgeon.



- l have no aptitude...

- Yes, you do, son.



Listen to me, son. You can do this.

You can be a fine surgeon.



- Look, take over. Give me a clamp.

- Fielding can't... Clamp, clamp.



Give me that. Here, take this, son.



- Martin...

- Finish this operation for me.



- No, l can't. lt's ridiculous.

- Why are you bossing Fielding?



- lt's so ridiculous.

- You know Fielding.



Sponge. Jesus. l'll finish this one,

but... l didn't even wash.



- Right there.

- l've got it in there.



- Now take the clamp and take it out.

- Should that be blue like that?



- Where?

- Right there.



- Fielding, go.

- Wait one second.



- God bless you, but go.

- l'm doing my best. He's pressuring me.



- Yes.

- Put you're finger right there.



- Fielding, get out of here.

- Your father doesn't give you...



- South America... tomorrow.

- Go, go. God bless you.



- Go. Gesundheit.

- l've got to go.



- You're really going?

- You're losing the patient.



- Nurse.

- Listen to me.



Could you get me out of here

by seven tonight? l'm going to the theatre.



And now, as is our annual custom,



each citizen of San Marcos

will come up here



and present His Excellency

with his weight in horse manure.



Horse manure?

l thought they were diamonds.



- We are an agrarian country.

- Yes, but...



We will fertilise your personal crops.



Sometimes food

is more valuable than gold.



We captured this rebel soldier,




Has he given us any information

about when they plan to strike?



Not yet, but he will when our men

get through working him over.



We keep playing to him

the entire score of Naughty Marietta.



- lt will make him talk.

- Oh, please. No more.



l can't stand operetta. Please.



Talk and we'll stop the phonograph.



l'll talk. l'll talk.

But please turn it off. Please.



When is the revolution set for?



The first week of July.



You're a liar.

That's only two months away.



No. Esposito is timing it to coincide

with the American Fourth of July



so as to imitate his hero

George Washington.



Where does he get weaponry?



Esposito has a way of getting weapons,



but l do not know the plan.



Time is getting short, but l have a plan.



His Excellency requests the pleasure

of your company at dinner this evening.



- What?

- Dinner at the palace.  pm.



Dinner with Vargas?



Dinner with the president?



Dinner with the president.



Dinner with the president.



Excuse me, se?r.



l was trying to find

someplace for practice.



Se?r Fielding.



This is Colonel D?z...

and Lieutenant Arroyo.



May l say what a great pleasure

it is to entertain an American intellectual?



Somebody with whom l can exchange

political ideas and opinions.



- l brought you some cake.

- Thank you very much.



These are prunes. l like cherry.



They don't make cherry on Tuesday.



Se?r Fielding, dinner is served.

Will you please?



May be some poison in my food...

but l am Ok.



l have been poisoned so many times,

l have developed an immunity.



You are not tense... are you?



Tense? No.



- Dinner was delicious.

- Thank you, sir. The check, sir.



- Who had the roast beef?

- l had.




Who had the corned beef and cabbage?



- That was mine.

- l don't understand something.



There's two roast beefs on here.

What did you have?



- Chilli con carne.

- There's two roast beefs.



- There's an extra roast beef.

- l had only one.



- There's one chilli, two roast...

- Who had the chilli?



- l had the chilli.

- Are you on Diner's Club?



- You have Bank of America?

- Yes.



All right. Here.



Let's go to the sal? for a brandy.



Can you keep it down?

l'm getting a headache.



And so l want to do only what is right



for my people.



That is to protect them from communism.



l am sure you understand that.



Esposito and his rebels

are not communists.



- They are communists.

- l think l know a bit about politics.



l'll pick it up. Excuse me.



lf l give a better life to my people,



l have to exterminate

a few troublemakers.



That's the price we pay.



Yeah, well, l gotta be going.

lt's... late for me.



lt has been a real pleasure

to have this little chat with you.



- Viva San Marcos.

- Viva.






- He is perfect.

- l could kill him now.



He brings cake.

He doesn't even bring an assortment.



You cannot forget that?



No, no, we'll kill him as planned -

dressed as rebels.



Then an outraged United States



will see how bloodthirsty beasts

Esposito and his men are



and we'll get all the support we need.



When can our men

get the rebel uniforms?



The tailor is going on vacation, then

he needs three days for alterations.



- Too long. We'll get another tailor.

- But he does such nice work.



Take a look at this jacket - it was

much too big. He took it in for me.



- He doesn't even charge much.

- No. We get another tailor.



l want it to look like the rebels killed him



not later than tomorrow afternoon.



- Here he comes.

- l don't feel good in these clothes.



Nor do l. He made cuffs in my pants.

What kind of tailoring is this?



He's not our regular man.

Do the best you can.



So long, suckers.



Hey, wake up. Esposito wants to see you.

You all right? Hey, wake up.



Hey, you, wake up.

Esposito wants to see you.



Where... Where am l?



Please. No more Polish women.



We are in the rebel camp with Esposito.



Blood. That should be on the inside.



- Esposito wants to see you. Come on.

- Esposito tried to kill me.



lt was Vargas that tried to kill you,

but in the uniforms of our people.



So your government would blame

Esposito. Come on. Come on.



- l'm Fielding Mellish.

- Vargas has told everyone you are dead.



That we killed you.

lt is in all the newspapers.



Yeah, well, l'm very much alive and

l mean to lodge a formal complaint.






You cannot bash an American citizen

without State Department permission.



Vargas cares very little for

diplomatic procedures, my friend.



- We'll straighten him out.

- l'm afraid you cannot leave here.



He uses you to make

a big propaganda against us.



He doesn't want you to show up

and tell the world the truth.



So, what do you think will happen

if you show your face anyplace but here?



He will cut your throat and bury you.



Cut my throat? Do you realise

what that will do to my gargling?



lt is war, my friend.



- Yeah, but l'm an American citizen.

- Sure. A dead one.



How long before l can

go back to New York?



After we win the revolution, we are free.



- When is the revolution?

- Six months.



Six months? l got a rented car.



- You have a chance to die for freedom.

- Freedom is wonderful.



On the other hand, if you're dead,

it's a drawback to your sex life.



- Are you such a snivelling dog?

- Depends what you mean.



l'm a good-sized snivelling dog.



History sometimes chooses strange ways.



Today you are fearful.



Perhaps one day you will be a tiger.



Don't hold your breath.

lf you ever need a squirrel, call me.



All right, men, let us sing

the song of the rebels.



Rebels are we, born to be free



Just like the fish in the sea



l'll have the grapefruit sections,

two poached eggs,



cinnamon toast and regular coffee.






What the hell is this stuff anyhow?






Uno... dos. Uno... dos.



Uno... dos. Uno... dos.



Uno... dos.



Camouflage can often save yourlife.



lt's essential that you learn the art.



ln the event of snake bite, you make

an incision and suck out the poison.



Remember, you suck out the poison.

What do you do?



Suck out the poison.



- Suck out the poison.

- Suck out the poison.



l cannot suck anybody's leg

who l'm not engaged to.



Snake bite! l got bitten by a snake!

l got bitten by a snake! Help!



Our food has run out.

We must make a raid on the town.



- lt will be very risky.

- You must not go.



- l do not mind the risk.

- Another will lead the raid.



Not our future president.



- What about sending Fielding?

- Me?



The men have a growing respect for you.



- lt is a chance to prove yourself.

- l don't wanna prove anything.



You will fight a hero and,

if necessary, you will die a hero.



Better get some rest, Luis.

You're beginning to talk gibberish.



This short straw will go.



Well, as long as it was fair.



- Yes?

- Coffee, please.



- l also want something to go.

- Yes.



Do you have

any grilled cheese sandwiches?



- Yes, sir.

- Well, let me have a thousand.



And...     tuna fish... and    

bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches.



- You want the cheese on rye?

-     on rye.



Let me have      on whole wheat...

and     on white bread.



- Fernandez wanted on roll.

- And one on roll.



- And the tuna?

- All the tuna on whole wheat.



All the bacon, lettuce and tomato

we'll have on toast.



Right. And... what to drink?



Let me have     regular coffees,

    cokes and   ,     -Ups.



And also coleslaw for     men.



Right. You want anything

with these sandwiches?



Mayonnaise on the side.






- Everything is ready, sir.

- Which one is the roll?



- l have it right here.

- Ok. What about the coleslaw?



lt's coming, sir.






Coleslaw, sir.



- That will be       pesos, sir.

- Get your money from Vargas.



We're the rebels. Let's go.

Move this out. Come on.



While we carry out a diversionary raid,



you three will kidnap

the British ambassador.



He will be held until Vargas agrees

to free the sympathisers he has jailed.



l will drive.



You two will seize him and you will

inject him with sodium pentathol.



Now, once he is asleep...

there will be no trouble.



Should they attack, our men are ready.



They are too weak to defeat me.



We have nothing to worry about them.



We shall continue our policy

of harassment.



Of course, if they're foolish enough

to try to overthrow,



then l have made a deal

for reinforcements



with the UJA.



You mean the ClA, Excellency.



The UJA is the United Jewish Appeal.



The United Jewish Appeal?



- Any word on where we're heading?

- l hear it's San Marcos.



- For or against the government?

- ClA's not taking any chances.



Some of us are for it and some of us

are gonna be against it.



Viva San Marcos!



Hello, hello? Miami? Fontainbleau Hotel?



Listen, l want to make a reservation

for one single room. Yes.



What are the... What are your prices?



For a single room?



l can't believe it. l'm finally going home.



- Well, you have earned it.

- l'm gonna miss everybody.



- Well, my friends, we have done it.

- You have.



And you. All of us.



At last this country can finally bask

in the sunshine of a true democracia.



Where no man is better than the next

and there's equal opportunity.



- Respect for law and order.

- Right now, l am the law.



But soon we'll hold elections,

let the people choose their leaders



and you can voluntarily step down

and return to your simple farming.



What's the matter? You look glassy-eyed.



These people are peasants.

They are too ignorant to vote.



- But they have common sense.

- l am the ruler of this country.



There will be no elections until l decree it.



You are accused of killing

over a thousand people,



of torturing hundreds

of women and children.



- How did you plead?

- Guilty. With an explanation.



Ready... aim... fire!



That's...    . Where's   ?



Ready... aim... fire!



Hear me.



l am your new president.



From this day on,



the official language

of San Marcos will be Swedish.






ln addition to that,

all citizens will be required



to change their underwear

every half hour.



Underwear will be worn on the outside



so we can check.




all children under    years old



are now    years old.



What's the Spanish word

for ''straitjacket''?



The power has driven him mad.



We must have a new leader.



Another must represent

the revolution immediately.






Someone willing to put his life in peril



and willing to carry on



against all the terrible hazards

that await us.



l know you're gonna find the guy.



Excuse me. l was due at my mother's

house for dinner eight months ago.



- l'm going home.

- No. The revolution will fail.



- Why me?

- Because the men respect you.



You always loved our cause.



Besides, compared to these men,

you are educated.



What is this with my education?

l had two days of college.



l need three years and     days

to get a degree.



This is a country of peasants.

At least you can read.



l don't want to be president.

You're making a big mistake.



You gotta be smart to be a president.

Let me be vice-president.



That's a real idiot's job.



You're looking at me

in a strange way, fellas. Look, l...



l'm gonna be president, right?



The Americans won't recognise us -

they think we're communists.



The communists won't recognise us -

they think we're American puppets.



The one person who recognises us

was arrested on a morals charge.



- We need money.

- What is the chief export of San Marcos?



- Dysentery.

- We grow bananas.



Bananas, bananas.



lf l could only think of a way

to convince the US to give us money.



Get me Sanchez.



l don't know, my friend.

Without it, the revolution will fail.



Thousands will have died in vain and

soon a new dictator will seize power.



- Hello?

- lt's me.



l'm perturbed over

the economic situation.



You must go to the United States.

You must convince them.



- They will listen to you.

- Me?



- You're the president.

- Here l'm president.



- Over there l'm a college dropout.

- But they don't know.



After all, Fielding Mellish is dead.



l can't hear you.

l think we have a bad connection.



Hang up. l will call you back.



l actually think l probably could go

to the United States and fake it.



l know you can do it, Fielding.



l'll bet that l could.



l am Mr Hernandez,

the official interpreter.



- Welcome to the United States.

- Welcome to United States.



- Thank you.

- Thank you.



- Did you have a good flight?

- Did you have a good flight?



- Yes, l did.

- Yes, l did.



- We hope your stay in our country

- We hope your stay in our country



- will be delightful.

- will be delightful.



- l am looking forward to it

- l am looking forward to it



- with great anticipation.

- with great anticipation.



l'm Bill Simmons.

This is Tom Sloan. FBl.



We're here to see

that your safety is ensured.



We'll act as your shield

in the event of trouble.



We missed him. We get most of them.



What am l appearing

at a fundraising dinner for?



l know nothing about public speaking.



All you have to do is open up

with a joke, a funny story.



Once you have them laughing,

then you hit them for money. Simple.



Very simple. Open with a funny story,

then hit 'em for money.



l'm... l'm reminded tonight of the...



of the farmer who had



incestuous relations with both

his daughters simultaneously...



lt's the... lt's... lt's the...



lt's the... wrong crowd for this joke.



Although the United States

is a very rich country



and San Marcos is a very poor one,



there are a great many things

we have to offer your country



in return for aid.



For instance, there are locusts.



We... We have more locusts than...

Locusts of all races and creeds...



These locusts, incidentally,

are available at popular prices.



So, by the way,

are most of the women of San Marcos.



Now, then, despite

the tiny size of our nation,



few people realise

that we lead the world in hernias.



They also fail to realise that before

Columbus discovered your country,



he stopped in San Marcos

and contracted a disease



which can today be cured

with one shot of penicillin.



- lt's the same person, all right.

- This all smacks of conspiracy.



You realise what a communist missile

base in San Marcos would do to us?



Plus he has a history of subversive acts,



demonstrations, and peace marches.



This man is attempting the overthrow

of the United States government.



All right, let's pick him up...

and throw the book at him.



We'll make an example of this... hepcat.



Hi. l hope l'm not being pushy,

but l have always wanted to meet you.



l... l don't mean to bother you,

but l think that you are terrific.



Really terrific. Me and my friends have

backed you from the very beginning



of this career of yours.



And l... We... l... l'm awestruck.



l really don't know what to say.



You know, it's very funny, but you

remind me of somebody l once knew.



A boy. He... He was really...

No, he was really nothing like you.



l mean, you're terrific.

He was just this little stupid clown.



Just... l don't know

why l even mentioned it, but...



He was... He was... He was an idiot.

You know, a real idiot and...



Would you... Would you mind

if l kissed you... once?



Could l... kiss you once?



That was wonderful. lt was

practically a religious experience.



- l have a confession to make.

- What, love?



l'm Fielding Mellish.



My God.



l knew something was missing.



Good evening.

l'm Roger Grimsby with the news at six.



Top stories - the government

brings charges against Fielding Mellish



as a subversive imposter.



New York garbage men are striking

for a better class of garbage.



The National Rifle Association

declares death a good thing.



Details on these

and other stories in a moment.



Fielding Mellish, the President of

San Marcos, goes on trial for fraud,



inciting to riot, conspiracy

to overthrow the government



and using the word ''thighs''

in mixed company.



Please rise. Court is now in session.

Judge Seymour Watson presiding.



The People versus Fielding Mellish.



l object, Your Honour.

This trial is a travesty.



lt's a travesty of a mockery

of a sham of a mockery



of two mockeries of a sham.



l move for a mistrial. There's not

a single homosexual on that jury.



- Yes, there is.

- Really? Which one?



ls it the big guy at the end?



Call the first witness.



- And you remember Fielding Mellish?

- He's got a record.



He was always being picked up

at one demonstration or another.



He's a bad apple, a commie.



A New York Jewish intellectual

communist crackpot.



l mean, l don't wanna cast no aspersions.



Your witness.



Officer Dowd, have you ever had

sexual relations with a girl



with really big breasts?



Yes, sir. l did.



- And how did you find it?

- Very erotic.



l was... l was just checking.



Swear to tell the truth, the whole

truth and nothing but the truth?



l do.



- Name?

- J Edgar Hoover.



- Occupation?

- Head of the FBl.



Tell the court

why you're dressed like this.



l have many enemies and l rarely

go out unless l'm in disguise.



Mr Hoover, in your opinion,



is Fielding Mellish a threat

to the security of the United States?



Enough to have his phone tapped.






Hello? Who is this?



Who is this?



Hello? Who is this? Can you hold on

one second? Walter, it's foryou.



All right, l did it! l did it! l'm guilty!



But l couldn't take it any more.



She kept tormenting me.



Egging me on.



Making a fool of me!



lsn't this Epstein vs Epstein?



l'm sorry, l...






Sorry to disappoint you,

but l've known Fielding for years



and he's a warm,

wonderful human being.



Would the clerk

read that statement back, please?



''l've known Fielding for years

and he is a conniving, dishonest little rat.''



Ok, l just wanted to make sure

you were getting it.



You're out of order.



- Name?

- Sharon Craig.



- And you are?

- Miss America.



O mio babbino caro



Mi piace ?bello, bello



Vo'andare in Porta Rossa



A comperarl'anello



Si, si, ci voglio andare



E se l'amassi indarno



Tell the court why you think

he is a traitor to this country.



l think Mr Mellish is a traitor

to this country because his views



are different from the views of

the president and others of his kind.



Differences of opinion

should be tolerated,



but not when they're too different.



Then he becomes a subversive mother.



Call Fielding Mellish.



Mr Mellish... what is your nationality?



Well, you might say

l have two nationalities.



Are you being coy?



Well, l am an American citizen

and also the President of San Marcos.



l would not joke with this court

if l were you.



- Wouldn't you or couldn't you?

- That's enough.



Does the codename Sapphire

mean anything to you?



lt doesn't. l swear to God.



You swear to God and yet you have no

compunction about teaching evolution.



Where were you

on the night of June   rd?



lf you cannot resist disrupting the court,



l order the marshal to bind and gag you.



So you followed Fielding Mellish



and overheard him make treasonous

remarks about this country?



- l did.

- Your witness.



Yes, l did.



No. l don't remember.






Don't put words in my mouth!






Yes, it's true. l lied!



Ladies and gentlemen,

you will retire for your verdict.



Good evening. l'm Roger Grimsby

with the news at six.



A verdict has been reached

in the Mellish case.



l'll have details in one moment.



- Stick in your throat, son?

- These cigarettes, Father.



- What brand are you smoking?

- These.



Well, those are for sinners.



- Try these New Testament cigarettes.

- New Testament?



- They've got the incense filter.

- l'll try one.



What do you think?



Good flavour. Smooth, too.



Stick to New Testament cigarettes

and all is forgiven.



Thank you, Father.



New Testament cigarettes.



l smoke 'em.



He smokes 'em.



Fielding Mellish was found guilty

today on    counts of treason



and was sentenced to    years in prison.



The judge suspended it

in return for their promise



that Mellish will not

move into his neighbourhood.



Now this is all over,

is there any possibility



that maybe we could get married?



- l'd love to.

- Would you?



l mean, being in women's lib,

you'll need somebody to support you.



- Fielding, do you love me?

- Of course l love you.



No, but do you love me?

You know what l mean?



Yes, l love you. l love you.



Can you, like, define the meaning of love?



What do you mean? lt's love. l love you.



l want you in a way of cherishing

your totality and your otherness



and in the sense of a presence and

a being and a whole coming and going



in a room with grapefruit

and a love of a thing, of nature



and a sense of not wanting or being

jealous of the thing a person possesses.



Do you have any gum?



Good evening. Wide World ofSports

is here in the Royal Manhattan Hotel



for a live, on-the-spot telecast

of the Fielding Mellish honeymoon.



Mellish and his new bride were married



in a civil ceremony

in downtown Manhattan.



The bride wore the traditional

virginal white, as did Mellish.



They had dinner and are both now ready

for the consummation of their marriage.



The turnout has been gigantic,



and here for a play-by-play

description is Howard Cosell.



Take it away, Howard.



You join us with the action

just about to start.



Yes, indeed. Here comes the bride

and she's got a lot of fans here.



They are tense, but they swell

to a tremendous cheer.



And, as l think is apparent,

she is in very good physical condition.



And here comes Mellish.

Listen to that crowd roar.



He is wearing a green corduroy suit,

jogging and bobbing down the aisle,



buttressed by his trainer and his handlers.



The action has started.

They approach one another cautiously.



Nothing unique about that.



Now... Mellish begins to make

his moves and so does Nancy.



The two are working together closely,



the action growing more rigorous.



lt is swift, rhythmic, coordinated.



What's that?

A cut over Mellish's right eye.



The doctor comes in to examine the cut.



No, it will not be stopped. lt continues.



l tell you, ladies and gentlemen,

l've never seen action like this.



That's it. lt's over.



lt's all over.

The marriage has been consummated.



Nancy and Fielding Mellish, in the most

real sense, are now man and wife.



lf it's humanly possible, l'll break through

these fans to talk to the two.



Excuse me. Excuse me.



Nancy, l know that this is very personal,



but was it everything you expected?



Well, Howard, it all went by so fast.

l had no idea that it'd be so quick.



l was expecting a longer bout.



No difficulties of any kind?



Well, as you know, l'm extraordinarily

ticklish so l had a rough time there.



l couldn't stop laughing.

l thought it'd really get in my way.



But l really trained well for this

and l think it held me



so there really wasn't any time

that l didn't feel in control.



How about you, Fielding?

l was concerned about that cut.



l thought they might stop the action.

Did you feel that?



Yes. l thought that l'd have

to finish it up quick.



l thought the referee

might come in and stop it.



l knew l was leading at that point



and l was just hoping that they'd

let me go all the way and l did.



- No disappointments at all?

- l had heard he'd be in great shape.



And l felt that he... he wasn't,



that he could use a little seasoning.



The timing was a little off,

but l think he'll be fine.



He's not the worst l've had.

Not the best, but not the worst.



Are you offended

by what Nancy just said, Fielding?



l'm not offended, but l don't agree.

l was in great shape.



l thought l had her in real trouble

with the right hand. l was in good form.



My breathing was good.

l've been training very hard for this.



l just gave a hundred per cent.



When do you anticipate your next bout?



l think we could probably

do this again in the late spring.



- Are you...

- ln the late spring?



Well, l think l'll be ready

by the late spring...



As long as the late spring?



l think we should leave

the happy couple on that note.



lt's hard to tell

what may happen in the future.



They may live happily ever after.

Again, they may not.



Be assured of this, though.

Wherever the action is, we will be there



with ABC's

Wide World ofSports to cover it.



Now, on behalf of

Nancy and Fielding Mellish



and the others

who have made this possible,



this is Howard Cosell

thanking you for joining us



and wishing you

a most pleasant good night.


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