Barbershop 2 Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Barbershop 2 script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Ice Cube, Cedric The Entertainer, Eve, Troy Garity, yadda yadda.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Barbershop 2. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Barbershop 2 Script



Get out of the way! Move!



Come on.



Come on, man.

Get up.



Come on.






Suspect out of the way.

Headirhg toward Excharhge.



Move it!

Qut of the way!



Hold it!



Don't move! Don't move!

Get away from that window!



Get over there!

Do what I say!



Qh, shit. Pick up my meat.



- You hungry, brother?

- Do I look hungry? Get over there!



I might be a little hungry,

but get your hands up!



- He ain't got no gun.

- You think I ain't got a gun?



- Shoot me, goddamn it!

- I'll shoot you.



You mother...



No. Come on, Hank!



Back up, back up!



What you know about

a brother needing a job?



- Big Floyd Patterson haircut head.

- You don't look like Floyd.



Shoot. I just wanted

to barbecue.



It's the goddamn Fourth of July.



Can't a black man have

a goddamn Fourth of July, too?



- Qpen up! It's the police!

- Sweet Jesus.



Kick it in!



- Don't mess with my conk.

- You want a barbecue?



Is there a problem, officers?



Yeah. We're looking for a thief.

You seen one?



Me? No, I haven't seen a thi...



Hank, you seen

a thief around here?



- No, no, not around here.

- No, me, either.



No thief.



You guys aren't

celebrating the holiday?



Sure. We're just finishing up

our last customer.



I said play

like you cuttin' it.



Eddie, you can't talk about people

just 'cause they biracial.



- Why not?

- 'Cause that's silly.



They can take it

like anybody else.



All I'm saying, Calvin,

is black folk love to take credit



for they half-black brothers

and sisters till somethin' goes sour.



You know, like Tiger Woods...

we claim him.



Jennifer Beals. What the boy mama

used to be on The Jeffersorhs?



- Lenny Kravitz.

- Lenny Kravitz... count him.



As soon as they go freak out

just a little bit,



go a little crazy, get a little glitter

like Mariah Carey,



then all of a sudden it's the other half

that went looney tunes.



- What about Vin Diesel?

- I don't know what he is. Half car.



What black man

do you take credit for?



I'll tell you who I dorh't want

to take credit for... that D.C. sniper.



I was mad when I found out

dude was black.



Hold on there, Terri.



The D.C. sniper is like

the Jackie Robinson of crime.






Tell them, Eddie.



He broke into the white leagues

with that crime.



That crime took planning.

Not only planning, it took math.



You know, it took math

to figure out all them trajectories



to shoot from the back

of an automobile.



That's white-folk shit right there.



With the problems we got,

black folks used to could say,



"At least we ain't crazy."



Qur crimes made sense.



Ain't got no money,

rob somebody with money.



Black folks are just as crazy

as white folks.



Mike Tyson...

he's like three crazy people.






Hold on, hold on now.



He half Cherokee or something.

Don't put him in with us.



DVDs, CDs. Ike Turner's

greatest hits with Tina on the cover.



Got something

you ain't gonna believe...



R. Kelly on tape

with grown women.



I got Grarhdmas Gorhe Wid.

You ever seen wrinkles in a thong?



Fred, don't buy nothing

from that fool.



That Nemo tape I got for my son

has a crack deal on it.



- Why you always lyin' on me?

- Ain't nobody lyin' on you.



Line me up.

I got a meeting in    minutes.



Head to your meeting

'cause I got next.



K-Rod called and booked

the spot after that,



but I can get you at  :  

or   :   on Tuesday.



You a superstar now?

The Eminem of the barber world?



Yeah, that's why

they call me Slim Fadin'.



This used to be my chair.



Wasn't but two seconds ago

your pasty Pilgrim ass



was sitting at that front seat

and nobody was feeling you.



Well, they're feeling me now.



I'll touch you up.



My customer's running late,

so I can take you.















what's it like

working for Alderman Brown?



It's good.

The alderman is a great mentor.



Must be nice doing

what you said you'd always do.



I really admire that.



- Apple juice?

- What's going on here?



Who set this up?

This shit ain't funny.



- What?

- This. You being nice to me?



You admire me? You got back

together with Kevin, didn't you?



I do not need a man

to make me feel good.



Plus, I'm trying to be

at peace with myself.



I don't know this woman.



Would you know me if I shoved

my foot up your ass?



Qh, yes, there she goes.



Let's go.



Lookin' good, Mr. Stewart.

Now you can get your swerve on.



Calvin, when you get my age,

you don't swerve.



You just be happy gettin'

that bad boy out of park.



You tell him.



You got something smaller?

I don't got change.



- Just keep it.

- You ain't got to tell me twice.



What'd you do,

hit the lotto?



- I sold the cleaners.

- What?



Yep, sold it.

Time for early retirement.



Quality Land Development came in

and made me an offer.



More money than I'd ever seen.

I jumped at it.



- What are they going to put in?

- A Kinko's or something.



I heard they was gonna move

a Subway over there.



A Subway and a Blockbuster.



Yep. White folk

is coming back.



They tryin'

to make money on a brother.



This ain't about

white folks comin' back.



Most of these businesses

coming in are black-owned.



This whole block

is gonna get upgrades.



They can tear down

all this mess around here.



Change is a good thing.



Long as they ain't buildin' liquor stores

and titty bars, I'm cool with it.



Wait a minute now, Calvin.



If they build a titty bar across

the street, I ain't never goin' home.



Hey, babe!



Here's your shit.

I burned the rest of it.



The next time

you want to call yourself



sleeping around

behind somebody's back,



make sure

she look like something



'cause I heard

all of your little shit.



Your cell called the house,

and I heard all two minutes of it.



No, I didn't hear it?

Are you trying to call me a liar?



I don't even see how you could

cheat on me with your toddler penis.



I hope you had a good time.



The next time you come back,

I'm gonna get medieval on your ass.



I got a sword, I got an ax,

a box of bullets,



and I'm gonna get both of my babies'

daddies to jump on that ass!



What does she gotta have

both of them for?



Shut up!



Like I was sayin', if they

build a titty bar across the street,



I ain't never goin' home.



You couldn't go home

if you wanted to.



You act like you know

what you're doing.



Please, man.



Now watch this. Balance.

No. Balance.






What is all that Circus Dee Soleil

that you're doin'?



All that flippity hippity

stompity stoobily-doo.



It ain't necessary

to cut nobody head.



What's up, dawg?

I don't get the "l"?



Come on, dawg.

You know I gotta have the "I."



Stop playin'.



- Where do you want it?

- Right here.






That mess ain't right.

I want my rent money on the first.



Not the second, not...

Hold on, let me finish my thought.



Not the second,

'cause I'm not the bad guy here.



Am I the bad guy here?



Come here.



Check it out, little man.



Qne thing you're gonna constantly

have to deal with in your life,



and that's broke-ass

black folks.



They gonna be hard to spot

'cause they dressed real nice.



Don't let that fool you,

'cause the nicer they dress,



usually the broker they are.



I like hanging with you.



You know, this is gonna

be yours one day... all of this.



Hey, Calvin, you goin'

over to Emma's?



Tell her my niece sent her

a graduation picture Friday.



- Bring me back a sweet potato pie.

- I ain't bringing you back nothin'.



Hey, Keisha.

Where Janelle at?



She's not here yet.

Hey, boo.



Now, why you even go there?



You can read a calendar.

You know she called in sick.



I need my rent money.

The bank want they money on the first.



I need my money on the first,

not the second and not the   th.



Come here, Coley.



Come here. Your mommy

leave you with this crazy man?



Crazy? I'm about to

drop him off at Miss Emma's.



Ain't that right?



You know, your daddy used to like

to play with those, too.



- And this.

- Watch your mouth, girl.



They can remember that shit...

I mean stuff.



- Y'all see Calvin baby boy?

- Hey, Coley.



You know that should have

been your baby.



I know.



After Calvin and I stopped dating,

he started thinkin' small.



He opted for the Happy Meal

instead of the Super Size.



No, he opted for less drama.



- It's her six-foot Pocahontas weave.

- That's what it is.



She ain't weavin' it up

like most of y'all in here.



Y'all just mad 'cause she got

a little Indian in her family.



Please. That girl got

perm in her family.



Why every time I come in here,

you start up with me?



You know I got love for you.



If you got that much love for me,

tell Janelle to give me my rent



before I turn off the power in here



and have all you ladies

runnin' out screaming.



Bye, Gina.



How come you not

playing with Coley?



You're just my baby.

Yes, he is.



Stop. Say grace first.



Jesus wept.






Why what?



Why did Jesus weep?



- 'Cause he was sad.

- Why was he sad?



'Cause they didn't let him

eat his biscuit.



Now, you know I helped

raise you better than that.



Raised you like you was

my own son.



Qkay. I gotta go, Miss Emma.



When you get back here,

you better tell me why Jesus wept.



You know what?

He probably was mad



'cause they wouldn't let him put

jelly on his biscuit before he left.



I ain't seen you in two days.



And why you look so damn tired?



Ricky, just be a man

and let me know.



I'm being a man.



If you got somebody else,

then just say it.



You don't need to be slippin'

and slidin' and hidin'.



Nobody hidin'.

This ain't no subterfuge.



- I just been busy.

- Doin' what?



'Cause you sure ain't doin' me.

Who you doin'?



And what the hell

is a subter-fudge?



Listen, you know how it is,

all right?



When we together,

we together.



And when we not, we not.



That Ricky, he's the man.



Please. He's a clown.



Be like Mike,

not like Rick.



If I was like Mike,

would you like me?



- Brad Pitt.

- Mel Gibson.



- Bill Clinton.

- Bill Clinton?



He's a freak,

and I likes me a freaky man.



If I had to choose me

a white boy to sleep with,



- I'd have to say Mini-Me.

- Mini-Me?



Use your head.



- What?

- What?



Use your head.



You bad girl!



Excuse me, Miss Watson.

I'm sorry.



Hey, Dinka.



- Good morning.

- What's up, D?



Thank you, Dinka.

They look great.



- Beautiful shoes.

- Thank you, Dinka.



Damn a Mini-Me.

I'll take me one of those.



All I'm saying is we need

to keep our eye on Trent Lott.



We need to know where

his ass is at all times. He racist!



He's the poster child

for stupid white men.



I don't know about that.

Dan Quayle couldn't spell "potato."



You know what?

You right about that, Checkers.



You know what?



You can be a stupid white man

and get elected president. Twice!



All I'm saying is

if you're gonna have oral relations



with an ugly, fat white girl

with low self-esteem, lock the door.



Lock the door! Click.



Handle your business.



There it is.



Calvin, come look.



They're gonna lock your ass up

for talkin' like that.



When did they put that up?



Guess it ain't no titty bar.



Hold up.



I can't believe this.



- Quentin!

- Hey, Calvin.



You like our sign?

Not too flashy, I hope.



I don't want it to fight

the funk of the neighborhood.



I thought this was a club.

What is Nappy Cutz?



You never heard of us?



It's a franchise, the black man's

answer to Supercuts.



Got ten locations nationwide.



This'll be the first one

in Chicago.



Ten chairs with every amenity

the African-American male desires.



- Qn my block?

- It's just an alternative.



You the man.

Your shop is legendary.



Qnly business on the block

to survive the riots of '  .



We can't compete with you.



I gotta go.



Listen, when   /  opens,

I'd love to buy you a latte.



I can buy

my own damn latte.



I know what this is.

You're tryin' to compete with us.



It's not a competition.



It's a rout.



Your business will be closed

in six months, seven at the most.



When the bank forecloses,

I'm gonna buy your shop



and turn it

into a more viable cash cow,



like a Bally's

or a Jamba Juice.



We could bypass all the stress

if you would sell it to me now.



But of course you wouldn't

do that... too much pride.



And I respect that.



I respect that, too.



You be safe out there.



I was gonna say

the same thing to you.



What did slick-head negro want?



These guys fittin'

to open a shop on our block?



They're gonna take

all our customers.



Quality Land Development

buyin' up everything.



We just gotta

step up our game.



Hey, Rick, you handled

that deposit for me?



You gonna have to cool it

on these extra activities.



I don't care about your vampire hours

as long as you do what I ask.



It's not what you think.



- I had some...

- Some bullshit to do.



You should've asked me,

someone more dependable.



Both of you can kiss my ass.



Hold up, don't fall apart.

Don't fall apart.



Not right now, okay?



We got competition on the block.



And I guess change,

that's a good thing, right?



Well, it's free enterprise.

This is America.



Shut up, Dinka.



- Survival of the fittest.

- Says the privileged white boy.



The privileged white boy

do a better job on that fade.



You're starting to cross the line.

Relax yourself.



Quit it. Quit it.



Don't sweat it, Cal.

We got your back no matter what.



Come on, everybody, let's go back.

This ain't nothin'.



I've seen this many times.

They come and they go.



We gonna be all right.

We gonna be fine.



- Man, why you trippin' back there?

- Why you frontin', man?



I know you're

supposed to be the superstar,



but don't you ever

roll up on my customers.



- What was you thinkin'?

- You're right, man.



Qkay, it's my bad.

It's my bad.



His fade was

a little crooked, though.



It's hard being that good, ain't it?



Look, Cal,

it's nappy-cutz. com.



t's the professiorhaism

that is bestowed uporh me



wherh come irhto Nappy Cutz

that appreciate.



Did that boy say

"bestowed upon me"?



That's what it sounded like.



t's the bikirhi waxes

that ove...



Look at the couches, man,

and the lighting.



Look at that.



Last week

had me a mik bath.






Oh. baby.



They dippin' sisters

in milk over there?



Give me some cookies.

I'll go over there myself.



Was that...



- That was him!

- It looked like him.



That's a look-alike.

How can they get him?



Turn that mess off.



That little girl is nasty!



Back to work.



Checker Fred, back to checkers.



My boys up in Memphis

go to Nappy Cut.



They said it's off the chain.



They got honeys in bikinis,



be serving wine when they

walk through the door.



That ain't nothin'.



I heard they got fish

in the floor, swimming.



You standin' on top of them.



You could pick a fish out,

get it baked, broiled,



fried, grilled,

fondued, souffléd,



- sautéed, sushied, all that.

- Fondued?



I like that whole massage thing.



That's tight.



Let me tell you all somethin'.



That's not a real barbershop.



That's a fake, franchise,

corporate version of a barbershop.



That's why they got gimmicks.



They ain't got

no real character up in there.



A real barbershop got real people,

real conversation,



and most of all, real barbers,

and that's what we got here.



Calvin, my man!



Qh, God.



Kenard. Hold up.

Dude, look...



I love you, cuz.

I love you, man.



I finished barber school

on Wednesday,



and now I'm working

in a shop today.



That's how family

supposed to do for each other.



- Did Jennifer call you?

- I spoke to her this morning.



Did she tell you that

maybe I'll try you out? Maybe?



I'm down with trying out.



I'm about to be

Rookie of the Year up in here.



That's me, man?



Baby, you're putting me

in the front chair?



The best chair in the shop.



That's how family

supposed to do.



You right, too much love.



What's up, player?

How you feelin'? All right.



Freddie Douglass!

You old school! Come on.



You can do it.

Come on, now. All right!



What's up, girlfriend?



Qkay, okay.

What's up, brother?



Everything cool?



Don't leave me hanging.




What'd you shave your head for?



I'm with you, brother.

We goin' back to Africa.















You know you know me.



I know you not gonna let him

put them pictures up,



not when you made me

take Lola Falana down.






It's a probationary period.



You understand probation,

don't you?



Who is this orphan?



All right, all right.



Rich, where you at, man?



Ain't never seen nothin'

like that in your life.



Yeah, that's good.



Tighten myself up.



Yo, Big C, explain him.



Call my wife, man.

That's her people.






Who's next?

Come on.



Have a seat right here.

Kenard's chair.



That aroma is

kind of gettin' to me.



What kind of coffee is that?



It's not a coffee.

It's a chai with soy.



Qkay, so it's herbal.

Yeah, it's herbal.



You must be a lot like me.

You lactose intolerant.



Yeah, I'm lactose intolerant.

I go near a cow,



and my behind blow up

like Dizzy Gillespie.



Downright flatulent.



And the smell.



Man, the smell that come

out of there,



it's so bad, sometimes

I have to set myself outside.



I'm not lactose intolerant,

all right?



I have a very healthy metabolism.



I tried to have some of them little,

bitty Milky Ways... the small one.



I ate two of them

at a party one night,



and, man, it just got...



I just couldn't control it.

It was the lactose intoleration.



Listen, I'm not lactose intolerant.



Look, man, all that's fine.

I'm trying to help you.



It's just not fair

for your date.



You gotta think about

if you on a date



and you up here

sneakin' 'em off,



and she's trying to wonder,



"He seem like he dressed nice,

he seems clean, but what is that smell?"



And you tryin' to act like

you ain't got no...



Take care of yourself.



Sir, I am very nice

to black people, okay?



Nice to black people?



You better be,

especially me.



I keep my stuff with me, okay?

I cut you.



You can look me up on the Internet,



That's me right there

lookin' at you.



- Hey, watch it!

- Move!



Your precious love



Your precious love



Heaven must have sent you

from above



Must have sent you, baby



Heaven must have sent

your precious love



Your precious love



To find a love like ours






- To find

- To find



With your finger.



To find



To find



Your finger goin' up there,

but you not.



I need to find a new tenor.



Man. I wish

my brother Darnell was out.



Eddie, where you goin'?



What the hell's

the matter with you?






- Get out of the way, fool!

- I can't wait for you.



There's a guy

on the other side of the rig!



Get off the truck!

Get off!



You wanna know my name, right?












I'm not saying

we made out of money.



I'm just saying we need

to step it up a little bit.



We're about to get punked

by Nappy Cutz.



If you don't think big,

you'll never be big.



Calvin, you run a family operation.

You do not need to step it up.



Them clowns at Nappy Cutz, they're not

about to take away your business.



Your shop is

a neighborhood institution.



Come on.



People don't care about institutions.

They got fish in the floor.



Just swimmin' around.



You can get it fried, baked,

sautéed, sushi...



- Who told you that?

- Little Rodney at the shop.



Little Rodney told you

he saw fish in the floor.



Well, he actually didn't see

the fish in the floor,



but his cousin in Atlanta

saw fish.



You know that's ridiculous.



Little Rodney probably

heard it from somebody



who heard it from somebody else

who was at Nappy Cutz



when they dropped their

Filet-Q-Fish orh the floor.



That's ridiculous.

I can't believe you said that.



Sun salutation, ladies.



Feet together,

bringing it to prayer pose.



And reach!



Butterfly, butterfly.



Bringing it back to prayer pose.



Deep ujjayi breath.



Breathing in radiance,



beauty, light.



Breathing out

any heavy burdens.



The key to enlightenment

is to work through your anger,



not have your anger

work through you.



First position.



Qne, two, three.



He ain't shit!

He ain't shit!



Jimmy! What's the deal?



What's up?



Lookin' good, baby boy!



Always, always.



Still ain't shit.



Just a little while ago,

he was cuttin' hair.



- Good morning. Good morning.

- Alderman Brown's office.



- Good morning, Maggie.

- Good morning, sir.



- Any messages?

- Yes, sir. A whole stack.



- Good morning, Alderman.

- Good morning.



- Good morning, sir.

- Good morning, Jimmy.



- I'd like a moment if you have it.

- I don't. This faithful constituent



is in need of counsel,

and I have to provide it.



Reach one, teach one.

Remember that.



It's an issue of vital importance

and it'll only take a minute.



- You have    seconds.

- Thank you.



- Have a seat.

- Thank you, sir.



Not you.



I wanted to bring to your attention

a particular concern of mine.



Are you familiar with Calvin's Barbershop

on   th and Exchange?



Yeah, I'm aware of it.



They're opening a Nappy Cutz

across the street.



Yeah, I know all about it.



Shouldn't we do something

about that?



Why should we?



Competition is

a cornerstone of democracy.



The future is not what it used to be.

Remember that.



But you did say you wanted

to keep that particular area fertile



for small-business interests.




I did say that, didn't I?



This boy is gonna be the governor

of the state of Illinois one day



if he learns to do what I say

when I say it.



Now, I'm not one for explanations,

explanatory things explained.



Write a report and have it

on my desk by the end of the month.



Sir, I think we should move

faster than that.



Think need, not speed.



It's better to measure

a thing ten times and cut once



than to measure once

and cut ten times.



Your minute is up, son.



This is gonna be great

for the neighborhood.



We'll see.



Here he comes.



- What's up, Samir?

- Not much.



- How are you doing?

- All right.



Very nice shirt on you.



We need to talk to you, Calvin.



What's going on?



We've been approached

by Quality Land Development.



They're building a cineplex there

and they're making us an offer.



We're thinking

about taking that offer.



The money isn't bad.



Plus, the money isn't bad.



Stew sold him his cleaners and took

his Viagra-popping ass to Miami.



I ain't mad at the brother.



What's that got to do with me?

You got your mind made up.



No, we haven't.

But I bet if you came on board



and sold them the barbershop,

they'd probably pay us double.



- That would change my mind.

- Absolutely.



- Y'all know I can't do that.

- Why not?



We've been there since '  .



So if y'all wanna sell

and go down to Florida



with them funky-ass voting booths,

you can go ahead.



But I've gotta keep mine.



You're making a mistake, bro.



No, my friend, you're thinking

about this all the wrong way.



Calvin, there's a lot of money

to be made here, son.



Go talk to your boy.



Come on, babies.

Today is the day.



We came a long road

to get here.



Pay attention.



Lighten up.



You come in here some days



looking like Joe Frazier

in Jamaica.



People don't like that.

You're too pretty.



Learn how to cook.



I know how to cook.



Make him hush puppies

or a Spanish omelet.



- Hey there, Calvin.

- Hey, Calvin.



- What's up, Cal?

- Yo, Isaac.



What's up, boss man?



You all know

why I called this meeting.



Nappy Necks, whatever they want

to call theyself across the street,



is openin' up in three weeks,



and they're tryin' to get

our ass out of here,



like it or not,

and we ain't havin' it.



- You know what I mean?

- Damn straight.



So my plan is this.



Fire up the barbecue in the back,



have a little

customer-appreciation cookout.



That's smart.

That's good thinking.



Just burgers and dogs,

free haircuts for the kids.



Show the people

we care about 'em.



Show them that

whatever they goin' through,



we down with them.



- You feel me?

- I feel you, Calvin.






Man, I feel all of that.



It all makes sense.



That's why I got to raise

your booth rent.






You can't do that.



- It's my first day.

- Why, Calvin?



We got to pay

for this somehow.



Forget about it. We in a crisis,

and you can double my rent.



- You don't even pay no rent.

- What?



In that case, triple it, then.



Not to throw salt, but why

you don't pay no booth rent?



I don't pay rent

'cause I don't pay rent. Qkay?



So pour out your cup of haterade

and sop it up off the floor



and get some business.



Also, I want to institute

a couple of new rules.



You comin' at me with too much.



That's all for one day.

Take baby steps.



Rule number one...

no more profanity.



I know you about to say something.

Don't even say it.



I ain't sayin' nothin'.

I'm thinkin' it.



Rule number two...

don't be late.



Who was it that said, "Be on

time for something other than..."



- "...before   :   at the club."

- That's what it was.



Y'all got jokes.

My bad.



Kenard, them Jet beauties,

they got to go, man.






They're my inspiration,

my muses.



He made me take down

my picture of Lola Falana.



I can't cut without the butt.



That's perfect for me

'cause maybe you'll quit.



That's what I thought.



We're going to be more

family friendly around here,



and I want everybody to start

greeting the customers by name.



How are we supposed to know

everybody's name?



That's ridiculous.



He's not even showing up.



Yap! Yap! Yap! Yap!



All that yapping leads me

to rule number three...



no more loud talking.






Watch it.



Thank you, Calvin.



Horace, thanks, man.

I appreciate your coming through.



All right, Calvin.



- Take care, man.

- No problem.



- Appreciate your business.

- All right, Calvin.



God bless.



All right, Calvin.



Bye, Horace.



You're next.



What's up, Cal?



Thanks for what you're doing.

We appreciate it.



- Hi, Jimmy!

- Hey, everybody.



This is not happening.

We got an appointment.



You gotta get out of the chair.

Eight Mile gave me this time exactly.



We're almost done.



I'll be right with you.



I'm terribly sorry

about the inconvenience.



Calvin, this is why

black business does not succeed.



We're never on time.



You're always coming in late.

You leave early.



Giving to the needy and the greedy

instead of the deserving.



And double-booking our clients!



Why do you have a schedule

if you ain't gonna use it?



It is   :  . That means your man

has to get out of the chair.



That means it's my time,

and I'm not havin' it.



Come on, man, you gotta bounce.

This is ridiculous.




Come on, let's go.



- Get him.

- Sit your ass down!



Come on, have a seat.

Enough of it already.



Sit on down, West Wing.



Up in here like you're from

Lifestyes of the Rich arhd Famous.



Qnly reason you're in here is 'cause

your daddy didn't use a LifeStyle.



I'll tell y'all one thing...

all y'all are doomed to fail.



It was nice and quiet in here,

the way I like it.



Just hush.

Everything was hush.



Free barbecue... food, fun,

and free haircuts for the kids.



Bring 'em on down.

Bring all the kids.



Here you go, girl.

We should have kids



so we can bring 'em down

to this barbecue Friday.



I think we can squeeze four

out of that ass.



I didn't mean to insult you.

We could probably get five.



What's up, Tyson?

Free barbecue this Friday.



Don't be eyeballin' me.

You ain't hard. I'm just playin'.



Boy, it's hot out here.



I'm tired of handing out these fliers,

but my cousin say I gotta do it.



Before they got his ass,

they was all over there together...



Saddam, Qsama, all of them

livin' in a big old beach house



just kickin' it.



Got all the money in the world



and some of them ho's

from the Snoop video.



They just freakin' 'em.

Freakin' em all, boy.



- And Idi Amin over there, too.

- I thought he...



No, no, he ain't dead.

No, he ain't dead.



You can't kill no big

Yaphet Kotto-looking Zulu nigga.



- You know better than that.

- Eddie, you need to quit it.



Let me get some ribs!



- Can I fix you a plate, Dinka?

- No, I'm trying to watch it.



You don't need to watch it.



She throwin' it at you, dawg.

What's up with that?



Shawna is a nice woman,

but I don't know if she's the one for me.



Who the one for you? Terri?



You need to let that go.

That's not gonna happen.



That's the good news.



You don't need a loud, evil,

neck-rollin' chicken-head like Terri.



That's what you need.

Go on.



Go on over there.



Go on.



Isaac, run to the store

and grab me some ice.



We're running short on ice.



Kenard ain't doin' nothin'.



Yeah, man, but I asked you.



Don't do me like that, man.



Can you get me

some ice or not?



No disrespect, Cal, but I've been

bustin' my ass in there for you.



I've been bringin' in

a lot of business.



- I see you.

- So why you treatin' me like a scrub?



I treat you like

everybody else around here.



I'm happy you got it goin' on now,

but I need some ice.



Can you handle that for me?



- Yeah.

- Get the ice.



Two bags.



Thank you, Isaac.



Where you goin'?



Cal wants me

to handle some business.



Store run.



Can you bring back

some toothpicks?



The minty kind.

Minty freshness.



Right on.



Qh, yeah. She want

one of Uncle Eddie's burgers.



That is one right there.

That's delicious.



This is burnt.



No, baby, that ain't burnt.



That's barbecue.



See that brother over there?



That's burnt.



Well, why can't I have

another one?



'Cause you can't.

Now, look, it's free, ain't it?



There's people over

in Ethiopia starvin',



and you sittin'

over here complainin'.



- I'm not gonna eat it.

- You sure ain't.



I hate you!

I'm gonna tell my auntie.



Go to the crack house and tell her.



Ain't nobody scared!

Tell your auntie!



This is Eddie.

I ain't scared of nothin'.



You can tell whoever you want to.



- What'd you do to that little girl?

- I ain't do nothin' to her.



Little Moesha tryin' to criticize

my culinary skill.



I ain't scared!

Get your auntie!



Eddie, man, don't be so crazy.



I should've known your old ass

was startin' trouble.



- Hold on, Gina.

- Qh, shit.



- It was just a misunderstanding.

- Ain't no misunderstanding.



I should've known

you was out here actin' a fool.



I'm tryin' to teach little

Sister Souljah here some discipline.



Now, it's obvious

the way she bein' raised,



she headed

straight for the peniten-sherary.



Raised? Maybe if you stopped

raising your hand to your mouth,



you wouldn't look like Shamu

of the South Side.



Qkay. I see where you're

trying to go with it.



What kind of man

treat a little girl that way?



I wouldn't expect you

to know what a man is.



But I'm gonna give you a clue.



Give you a hint,

throw you a lifeline.



It's one of them things

you can't keep!



Qh, I can keep a man.

I can keep a man.



No, you can't.



I ain't want you, Calvin.

What about you?



The last woman you slept with

was battery-operated.



So? And she was white, too.



I had a black one, but the bitch

didn't know when to keep her mouth shut.



- Why's she gotta be a bitch?

- Why you gotta get up on me?



- Be cool, now.

- Shut up, Calvin.



- Who you tellin' to shut up?

- You.



Everybody get out of here,

little kids and big kids.



I'm gonna tell you

what the problem is.



What's the problem?

What's the problem?



- You don't know your role.

- Know your role. Speak on.



Is you living

in the dark ages or something?



- Do I look like Gina Cleaver?

- Hell, no.



What's your role, watching ESPN

and holding your shit all day?



Ain't nothin' wrong with that.

Nothin' wrong with that.



What you tryin' to say?



Get your lazy ass

off my couch and get a job.



Get a damn job.



Y'all got all the jobs.



- That's kind of true.

- Shut up, Calvin.



You got one more time

to tell me to shut up.



You got a lot of nerve

charging these sisters out here



money to get their hair did,

and you lookin' like Chewbacca.



Don't listen to him.

You look good, girl.



What about you?

Look at that damn 'fro.



What you be doin',

sweepin' up the shop with it?



I do what Calvin

need me to do every now and then.



What Calvin needs you to do is get

off your fat ass and cut some heads.



How you gonna talk about size

when you one Reese's Pieces away



from Jenny Craig yourself?



What you doin'?



I know you ain't...

Don't get in my pool.



I'm in your pool.



Let me tell you something,

you old negro spiritual.



Wadin' in the water



The next time you snatch some food

out of my niece's hand,



I'm gonna kick your ass,



and then I'm gonna burn

your freedom papers.



And trust me,

I'm just big enough to do it.



Can't nobody argue with that.



Don't worry.

She ain't about to do nothin'.



I got a reputation

to keep up around here.



And that little girl

is a devil child, now.



Look, I know she bad.

That's why you come to me.



She got to snappin'

her neck around,



I got to get back at her.



I'm sorry. You make sure

she get that, okay?



Put one of them links on.



- You think she want a link?

- She want a link.



Which one? Right here?



Give me that one right there.



Qkay. You give her that, now.



You make sure she get that

and tell her Uncle Eddie's sorry.



- Me and you cool, all right?

- Yeah, we cool.



You got a little somethin'

right there. Get that.



Now get your elbow.



I ain't got nothin'

on my elbow.



Look like a gingerbread man.



I bet that link

don't make it on the inside.



How'd you get with a girl like that?



Get that door

for little Calvin, Junior.



I got what they call

that savoir faire.



She fine.



Now, I know you ain't payin'

that nappy negro no heed.



- Why you even sweatin' it, Cal?

- That Web site's been in my head.



That Web site don't

mean nothin', Cal, man.



Don't even tell you what

it might be like on the inside.



Come on, let's get ready

for our customers.



- Jimmy, hold it there.

- All right.



Yeah, yeah.



What the hell goin' on?



Since y'all wanna be funny,

no rap before   :   now.



Come on, man.



Y'all just clownin' up in here.



- Eddie, where the hot wings?

- I tried to tell 'em.



You need a man

that's gonna take care of you.



I'm talkin' about a good man.



A Muslim man.



- And you that man?

- Could be.



Sorry. Qnce you a customer,

can't have no relations.



Bad for business.



She just had a pork chop.



She ain't tryin' to hear nothin'

about no Nation of Islam.



- Shut up.

- I heard that.



That pork be callin' me, too.



Let me tell you somethin'.



Nation of Islam is more

than a pork-free diet.



It is the word of Allah

as told to the Prophet Muhammad.



Look, all I know

is I'm down with Jesus.



Watch what you say

'cause I'm holdin' the clippers.



- Change the subject.

- Exactly.



I got a question.



You don't find it odd,

as a black woman,



to have a savior

who looks like Kenny G?



- Kenny G?

- That's right.



Now, his Christmas album

was tight.



Look, Jesus is not white.



He's Caublinasian,

like Tiger Woods.



And you just about workin'

my last nerve.



Pay Calvin.



Speaking of Muslims,

is Ahmad Rashad Muslim?



I don't ever see him wear

one of those bow ties.



Sorry. Did I wake you?



Late night of creepin'?



You don't know jack

about me, girl.



You know what your problem is?



You know what orhe

of your problems is?



- You're bitter.

- I'm through, is what I am.



That nice Terri routine?

Ain't nobody fallin' for that.



A nice woman wouldn't

be doggin' my man Dinka.




Ain't nobody doggin' him.



That boy's in love with you, girl.



But you don't want

a good man, right?



What you want, a roughneck



to cheat on you

and slap you around?



- What about them bitches you roll with?

- Watch your mouth.



All of them skanky as hell.



"Qoh, I met Shaniqua

in the strip club last night."



Those are nice girls?



- You don't know everything.

- I know enough.



Hidin' behind some tattoos

and a prison record.



- Grow up, be a real man.

- Why you even care?!



Show you what to do with this.



Take this right up here,

put it on the door,



twist it... pop!



lt'll put you in like Flynn.



You know what else you could do?

You get a half pound of C- 



put a little timer on it...

tick, tick, tick, boom!



Blow up the whole block.

I got some at the crib.



What's goin' on?



- No.

- What?



- Don't even think about it.

- That's what I told 'em.



I said the same thing.



It's killin' me, man.

I just gotta know for myself.



We not breakin' in

to Nappy Cutz.



You want to know

what's in there.



No. The answer's no.



We're not breakin' in.

I will not allow it.



Hurry up.



Five minutes.

We in, we out.



This is like Ocearh's Eeverh.

This is my kind of stuff.



Check this out.



- It's huge!

- Size isn't everything.



Keep telling yourself that.



Eddie, what you doin'?



Didn't we come over here

to see it?



I can't see diddly.



This is the joint, B!

Look at this.



I don't see no fish in the floor.

Where the fish at?



That's crazy!






You can say that again.



- Goodness!

- What?



You can't fry

none of that, though.



You can play ball

up in here, man.



No, you can play ball

down the street.



Like a brother can't get a haircut

without trying to play some ball.



They got the Wa Street Jourrha.



Top of the line.



This is what a barbershop's

supposed to look like.



- This is leather.

- Word?



- That's pleather.

- It's leather.



It's ugly.



Lookin' around, it's a nice shop,

but it don't have no character.






What we got across the street

is character.



We got character,

we got conversation, and we got...



We ain't got one of these.



Lord have mercy!

This is pillow top!



Come on, City Hall,

show me what you got.



You're startin' to get on my nerves.



You're startin' to get on my nerves.



Let's crack it.



I checked it already.

Let's crack it.



You got me.



Put the ball down.



Qh, shit.



Hey, y'all open?



No, bro, we closed.



Look at all the people.

Let me in.



Hey, bro, we're closed.



- Help a brother out.

- We goin' to jail.



Two seconds, two seconds.



- Just let him in, Big C.

- Don't let him in.



- We can't leave him out there.

- Then let him in.



I'm trying.

Kenard, let him in.



Put that paper back up.




Hey, y'all!



This place is nice!



We closed. Go across the street

and get your hair cut.



Kind of raggedy over there.

Just a quick touch-up.



I'm flying back to L.A. tonight.

How about it?



- Who can do me?

- Not me, I got carpal tunnel.



I got you.



You got me? My man.



We got Nappy Cutz on Crenshaw.

Love it.



Everybody loves it.



Hey, man,

get these clippers goin', player.



These ain't supposed to be out yet.



This is German-engineered,

titanium teeth,



silent-whisper engine.




- King shit.

- They just clippers.



This would double,

triple your business.



You know what?

I'm gone. Have fun.



Y'all hurry up.



Don't steal nothin'

and don't break nothin'.



Just close the back door

when you leave.



Hey, Detective.

We was just lookin' for you.



What the hell's going on here?



We heard something...



You broke into Nappy Cutz?



- You take anything?

- No.



- Damage anything?

- No.



Kind of nice in there?






Qh, man, they got

a basketball court!



He's beautiful, isn't he?



I just want him to have

everything I never had.



I know you do.

And he will.



So you coming to bed?






You tryin' to get

something started?



I was hoping so,



but you better catch me

before the rollers go in.



Looks like you gonna have

a little brother or sister.



Put them rollers in.

I might like that.



I got contact lenses... blue, green,

bloodshot red... left ones only.






Just the man I wanted to see.

Come back and talk to me.



- I didn't know you was workin'.

- Come holler at me.



How's life been treating you?



It's been cool.



Me and my girlfriend's husband

got in a fight.



He only won

'cause she helped him.



Good to see you.

Come on back.



- In the back-back?

- Yeah, in the back-back.



With the scissors and everything?



How you been, Cal?



You been going to church



and living your life right

and everything?



- What you jumping for?

- I ain't know what you was comin' with.



My nerves bad.

I'm light-skinned.



Can you get this stuff

on this list?



I'm looking to get high-end stuff

at low-end prices.



- You know I can.

- Legally.



You mean like with a receipt legally?

Like I ain't steal it.



If the police walk up,

do I gotta drop it and run?



I can get anything you need.



Nappy Cutz won't know

what hit 'em.



This is not about Nappy Cutz.



This is about personal enhancement,

personal growth.




Not Nappy Cutz.




They won't know what hit 'em.



Come on over here

and get your hair cut.



I'm working at Calvin Jr's.

Come be my first customer.



What you mean, "Uh-uh"?



Can you hook me up with Isaac?



The one with the "l"

cut in the back?



You got a 'fro! You can't be gettin'

the "l" cut in the back.



Condoleezza. With all that

White House money she makin',



you'd think she could

afford herself a makeover.



If I was in the White House,

I'd be fly all the time.



If you was in the White House,

you'd be ghetto as hell.



She'd have the president

all corn-rowed out,



talking about,

"U.S., fool. U.S., fool."



The president would be a thug.



She think a head of state's

a sexual position.



"I'm inviting heads of state today."



Qh, my God.



Please stop.



Gina, do I look like Beyoncé?



Just like her.



I knew you was gonna say that.

Give me some.



This is like the world

coming together,



like all the gangs

coming together.



There's beauty in there.

You gotta love it, man.



This came

from my grandmama church.



They might want that back.



Who's been chewing on this thing?

It look like Holyfield's ear.



Picture and picture.



This one get channels   through  

and this one get   through   .



Give me the big one.



Take the little one, too.

You got to take the little one.



- You keep it.

- Cal, you gotta get this little one.



Come on, Cal!



Thought I'd add

a little style to the place.



That's that Picassio stuff

right there.



Yeah, yeah.






What is it, a uterus?



Calvin, I hooked you up

with the alderman.



What'd you do,

get me some handicapped plates?



Better. You're gonna be

on the news.



The news?



The alderman's taking

a walking tour of the block



before Friday's

city council meeting



to let the constituency know

that he's concerned.




About November, right?



I talked him into

talking to you... good publicity.



- You could've asked me first.

- I know.



But it was

a spur-of-the-moment thing.



We don't do politics in here.

It's a place of business.



This ain't no community center.



You know what?



You sound just like

your daddy right now.



We will not be silenced.



When the FBI

gassed the Black Panthers out,



we found a place

to be today.



Thank you, Brother Calvin.



Brother Calvin!



We will continue to provide

books and classes,



food and clothing

through our outreach program.



That's right, brother.



And when the pigs show up,

they're gonna show up with guns.



We ain't gonna do nothin'

but show up with our guns!



Then they gonna start shootin'.

Then we gonna start shootin'!



That's right, brother!



I'm tellin' you, every last

one of them's gonna get shot!



That's right.



Then all of us

is gonna get shot!



And all of us

is gonna die together!



Let's make it happen!



Black power!



Black power!



Black power! Yeah!



Black power!

That's us! Black power!



Power to the people!



Shit, man, them fools crazy.



Well, if it ain't Lalowe Sharpton.



My goodness, my goodness.



The barbershop.

How you doin'? Lalowe Brown.



Checker Fred, sir.



How you doin', Checker?



Lalowe Brown.

Good to see you.



How you doin', sir?



My, my.

Well, well, look at this.



Look what we got...

we got a lady barber.



We didn't have this

back in the day.



- What's your name?

- Terri.



- Sarah?

- Terri.



Lalowe's gonna have to come back

and let you give me a little trim.



- Trim?

- A haircut.



Terri, if you wanna be down,



vote Lalowe Brown.



You remember that.



This is Calvin's Barbershop.



This is a cornerstone

of the black community



for some   -odd years.



I've been coming down here

many a Saturday afternoon,



get myself straight

for Sunday morning.



But I wanna introduce you

to the man himself,



the man who quantifies

and epitomizes



the institutional possibilities

of black hair.



He is a potentiating progenitor

in all kinds of fine ways.



He's my fine friend,

this brother right here, Calvin.



How you doin'?

Calvin Palmer.



- How you doin', son?

- All right.



Calvin, you are a pillar

of this fine community.



How is everything going for you



with all this social change

happening down here?



Well, Mr. Brown, as you know,

there is a lot of change...



There is a lot of change,



and change

is hard sometimes, right?



But if we want to stand

together as a community,



- we will find a way to survive.

- Tell it!



- Tell it, Lo.

- That's right.



You let Lalowe lay it down for you.



If you wanna stay afloat,



we got to...


            gonna have to

rock the boat.



Because if they want

to send us packin',



baby, it's on and crackin'!



And if they try to mess

with this brother,



then it's gonna be on

like a mother!



That's a little rough.



If you want to stay around,

y'all know what you gotta do.



Vote for Lalowe Brown!



Hey, Calvin, why don't you

get me a little shape-up?



'Cause I've been running around.



- You got a chair for me?

- Yeah, right here.



Qf course we got one for you.

Kenard! Kenard!



- Let Kenard cut your hair.

- Hold on, hold on.



Wait a minute. No.



Get on over there, Get-low.

Sit right on down, So-low.



Nice to meet you.

How you doin'?



- Wait a minute.

- It's okay. It's okay.



It's okay. It's okay.



Kenard here is one

of our prima donna barbers.



Front chair.



You ain't had

your hair cut till...



- Kenard.

- Yeah.



- Yeah. Let's take a picture.

- Thank you, brother.



Yeah, okay. All right.

Enjoy yourself, Low-below.



You just relax, Down-low.



We on TV, man.



I know. This is must-see TV.

It's gonna be good.



This is why

I love this community,



'cause there's a historical context

for every action that takes place here.



I plan to die here.



We're running short on time.

If we could speed this up?



You can't rush the best, Jimmy.



- He ain't the best.

- He ain't ask you, man.



Well, who's the best, then,




- You the best?

- No doubt. Isaac Rosenberg.



The best barber

in the state of Illinois.



The best barber

on this rock we call Earth.



Come on down to Cal's.



Qur rainbow coalition right here.



Yeah, this is integration

right here.



What's up, Ma? Richie?



You're feelin' yourself

way too much.



Don't sweat the technique.



What technique?

You cut like a bitch.



Carvin' I's in the back

of people's head?



- Your skills is limited.

- My skills are limited?



- Where your skills at?

- This ain't the time.



Ain't in cuttin' hair.

Must be slobbin' Terri in the locker room.



What? No.



You ain't supposed to air our

dirty laundry like that. We on TV.



- What is he talking about?

- Dinka, it wasn't like that.



...of populist politics.



- Thug love! Thug love!

- It was not like that.



Everybody's hatin' on me.

'Cause I'm competent?



- You don't make this shop.

- I have lately.



I will confront all of those

forces that are trying to change,



that are trying

to make things happen.



They don't treat barbers

like this at Nappy Cutz.



Why don't you go find out?



You on that bullshit.

Go find out.



We don't need you around here

if you don't wanna be here.



Fine, man.



All right.

Get out of the chair, man.



No, you stay here.



In November, I plan to establish

this barbershop as my headquarters.



At Calvin's Barbershop,

we're gonna make this institution



one of the leading institutions,

like a torpedo moving towards the future.



Yes, indeed. All right.



Kenard, just a little off the top.



I really think it's time

for us to move along.



Come on, Jimmy,

just two seconds.



My bad, brother.

I skipped you.



Why don't you just let me

fade you up?



- How about a nice Quo Vadis?

- What'd you do to my head?



- Don't even look at that.

- Is that my head?



I'm gonna kill you!

I'm gonna kill you!



You a grown man!



You don't do that to Kenard!



Get out of here!



Arhd far from its roots

as a famiy estabishmerht.



this was the scerhe today

at   th arhd Excharhge



at Cavirh's Barbershop wherh

Adermarh Laowe Browrh stopped by



for a photo opporturhity

arhd haircut.



Or sha say scapirhg?



Needess to say. doubt

very seriousy if the adermarh



wi be frequerhtirhg

Cavirh's Barbershop arhytime soorh.






- Who is it?

- It's Rick.



What do you want?



I wanna talk to you.

I feel bad.



Good. I'm busy.



Qpen the door.

We gotta talk about this.



- There's nothing to discuss.

- Dinka, I messed up.



What happened

between me and Terri was foul.



It should have never happened.

I didn't mean to hurt you.



I'm sorry.



Apology accepted.



Can we discuss this tomorrow?



You remember Shawna, right?






What's up, Shawna?



Handle that.



I'll get at you tomorrow.



Maybe the day after.



You should see her

when I'm drinkin'.



'Cause I know her.



Exactly right, exactly right.



What are you doing here?



The question is,

what you doin' here?



Look a little shady to me.



You come up to my shop today



and got the nerve

to be huddled up with this shark.



Don't come in here accusing me

of some malicious and egregious act



when what you should be doin'

is apologizing



for making me look

like a goddamn fool today.



- That's what you should be doing.

- Lalowe.



Ease up. It's cool.



All right there, youngblood.



Ain't nothin' going on in here,

just business.



- I'll bet.

- It's true.



In fact, the alderman and I

were just talking about you.



Well, about your business.



I undervalued the importance

of your shop to this community.



That's my bad.



It'd be a shame to see it

all go away for naught.



Man, I'm from the South Side.



- Don't try to hustle me.

- No hustle.



A hustle implies one side wins,

the other side loses.



I'm proposing a win-win.



I'm proposing that Nappy Cutz

never sees the light of day.



- Is that right?

- I'll turn it into a nightclub.



Your barbershop

will continue to thrive



without any interference from me

or from anyone else.



And this miracle happens

if I do what?



Not tell people

what I saw here tonight?



What'd you see tonight?



What'd you see in here

tonight, Calvin? Nothing.






Have a seat.



No, I'd rather stand.



All you have to do is talk.



The city council meeting

is tomorrow.



We need those other

business owners on your block to sell.



If you were to express to them



and to the governing board that you

believe in Quality Land's proposal,



your voice could be

the determining factor.



At least, I think so.



This could be a shitload of money

for the whole district.



Not to mention, it could be

a nice little windfall for Calvin.



A $       windfall.



Now, that's a nice piece

of pocket change.



You could take your wife

on down to Jamaica.



The real one,

not that one in Queens.



It'd be a nice kick-start

to your kid's college fund.



You have a son, don't you?



Yeah, I got a son.



All you gotta do is talk.



$      .



I'm not asking you

for a whole lot, just to...



come on down and...



...just talk.



Just talk.



All right.



See you tomorrow.






You stalking me?



- Just wanna talk.

- Ain't nothin' to say.



Let me drive you to work.



How am I gonna look

rollin' up in your freak-mobile?



Terri, we work together.

We need to have a conversation.



Listen to what I got to say.



After that, you ain't got to

speak to me ever again.



I'll drop you off around the corner.



Get in the car.






Terri, I really ain't

been myself lately.



Ricky, before you even say anything,

I need you to know



that thug-gangta-player

bullshit is over for me.



I'm done with that in my life.



But you don't even know me,

what I'm about.



I see you every day...



late, sleepin'

in the locker room,



runnin' ho's day and night.



How is that not knowing you?






I'm just gettin'

my backpack. Relax.



What is this, a warrant?



Why didn't you say anything?



I couldn't tell nobody I was

studying for the fuckin' GED.



It's embarrassing.



But you passed.






Yeah, but honestly, though,

now that I got it,



I don't even know what it means.



It means you give a damn

about your life.



You should be proud.



I'm proud of you.



Don't start paying me

compliments and stuff,



'cause then I gotta

give one back to you.



We'd be all over each other again,

and don't nobody want that.



I don't want it.



For the record...



I kind of liked the old Terri

before all the changes.



Loud and angry all the time?






All the time.



Man, I hope you hittin' that!



Miss Emma, is somethin' wrong?



Nothing a little prayer

can't handle, or my pistol.



What's the matter?



They wanna make this

funky little place into a co-op.






I can't afford that down payment.

I'm gonna have to move.



Don't you own this place?



Just because I don't own it

don't mean it's not mine.



You've been livin' here, like, what?



A long time, long enough

to wipe your nasty little butt.



And a whole lot

of others, too.



But it's been worth it, though.



We can't lose you, Miss Emma.



It's about time

for me to retire anyway.



My brother has a nice place

out in Arizona.



You ever been to Arizona?



Hot as hell,

but I got some nice hats.



How can you leave Chicago?



Qn the bus.



Same way I got here.



Good morning there, youngblood.



You up early.

They fumigating your crib again?



I thought it'd be a good day

to walk and see the trees and dew.



Yeah, they fumigating.



I had a cockroach in my house

so big, I thought it was Shaq.



You're crazy.



- Let me ask you something.

- What?



You done worked and lived

around here for what,       years?



Yeah, I guess    and some change.



I ain't tryin' to clown, but...



I hope not. You know I got jokes.

Don't you start nothin'.



Let me ask you...

is this the life you wanted?



Qr did you ever think

you could do better?



What the hell keeps you

comin' back here every day?



Well, Calvin, you know,

if I was a bettin' man,



I'd say the reason I come back in

day in and day out



is the free chair.



Get real.



Hold it!

Get off him, pig!



...some very sad rhews

for a of you.



arhd that is that Martirh Luther Kirhg

was shot arhd was kied torhight



irh Memphis. Terhrhessee.



rh this difficut day.



irh this difficut time

for the Urhited States.



it's perhaps we to ask

what kirhd of a rhatiorh we are...



This ain't right.



We should be honoring the man's

memory, we shouldn't be doing this.



Yeah. Yeah, you're right.



I'm gonna get on out of here.

I need to go check on Loretta.



She's talking about

moving back to Georgia.



woud orhy say

that carh aso fee irh my owrh heart



the same kirhd of feeirhg.



had a member

of my famiy kied.



But he was kied

by a white marh.



What we rheed

irh the Urhited States...



You be safe out there.



Yeah, I will, man.

Don't worry about me.



I'll probably

stop by Montgomery Ward's,



pick up a TV,

washer and dryer, lamps.



You need anything?



- Move, Eddie!

- No!



- Eddie, get out of there!

- No!






I'll stay a little while longer, man.



Yeah, so after all that

quieted down,



your daddy told me I ain't never

have to pay for my chair again.



That's the kind of man

your father was.



He was a man's man.



He used to always

call me a hero.



The funny thing is

I never saw it that way.



I didn't save the shop, Calvin.

The shop saved me.



A lot like it did for Ricky.



I ain't have no life before this.



As far as I'm concerned,

my life began



on July       

when I came through that back door



and your father gave

my black ass a break.



So I'd be sad if somethin'

was to ever happen to this place.



But I'd be all right, though.



Qh, yeah, Eddie be fine.



Hey, what's up, y'all?



Calvin, can I have a word

with you for a second?



What you want, man?



Well, I know these are

tough times for you, cuz.



It's times like these when men

must rise up and make the right choice.



- Is that right?

- Yeah. It's about the truth.



Each and every one of us

has our own truth,



a truth that we must live with

for the rest of our lives.



Is there a point to this?



My truth is across the street.



I appreciate the job, cuz.

I'll always love you for it.



But I gotta bounce.



Y'all goin' broke

around this mug. Boy, I swear.



All right, all right.



And if anybody wanna come over

anytime and hoop it up,



ring a player, you know?



All this silence

got my gut grumblin'.



I'm gonna run down to Berry's,

get me a pastrami and fries.



Eddie, a man at your age

should be watching what he eats.



If you don't knock the fork

out of my hand,



I won't knock the spear

out of yours, okay, Somalia?



Eddie, get me that chicken tamale

and strawberry shake special.



Get old Checkers a ham and cheese

on some honky bread,



mustard, hold the mayo.



Get me a Mountain Dew

and chopped salad.



I'll take some chili fries,

onion rings,



and a pot pie with egg on it.



Qkay, that's gonna be

three orders of "Hell, no"



and two sides

of "Ask your mama"



and a large cup

of "Negro, please."



Grumpy old man.



Hey, Big C, where you headed?




Just got a little business to handle.



I'll be back.



And when they build all this stuff,



they make it totally unaffordable



for the people

who live here to stay here.



Now, we're South Side people

with South Side money,



and that ain't much.



So I'm against the proposed

Quality Land development project



on   th and Exchange.



You tell it, sister!



That's right!

Very good!



That's right!



Quiet. Qkay.



Before we adjourn

and make our decision,



is there anyone else who'd like

to be heard on this matter?



Let's get this thing over with.



I'd like to say somethin'.






- What's he gonna say?

- Shut up. Shut up.



A little nervous.



I haven't felt like this

since I met my wife's pops.



My name is Calvin Palmer.



I own Calvin's Barbershop

over on   th.



Been there since     .



And all I'd like to say

is that all change isn't bad.



Who can argue with progress?



Better schools, cleaner streets...



something we need

on the South Side.



And I want the best for my son



just like my parents

wanted the best for me.



So some change on   th



is well-needed

and well-deserved.



Qh, yeah.



Also, I'm happy that people

outside our community



are starting to find the value

in our neighborhoods.






if that means selling our soul

just to make a quick buck,



I ain't with that shit.



It's not worth it.



That's why I'm not sellin' out...


            some people I know.



Sir, do you know

why Jesus wept?



No. No, I don't.



Well, when Lazarus died,



Martha and Mary,

they cried over his body.



When Jesus saw their pain,



he couldn't help but cry, too.



So that's why Jesus wept.



That's how I feel when I look

at people like Hank Tolliver



and Gertrude Rose



and Miss Emma

bein' driven out...



...'cause they don't fit the plan

of the new developers.



We gotta realize that people

make this community,



not $  coffees

and $   mugs.



It's the people.



And once you lose the people,

you lose the neighborhood.



So if I had to say,

I would deny



Quality Land Development's

proposal to tear up   th



because it just ain't worth it.



Thank you.



That's my friend!

That's my friend!



Thank you.

Thank you, Mr. Palmer.



We'll take a brief recess

and we'll come back with our decision.



You're through.

You know that, don't you?



- That was beautiful, man.

- Thanks.



- How much they offer you?

- Not enough.



We have reached

a unanimous decision.



The proposal

from Quality Land Development



has been approved.



This meeting is over.



What have you done?



That's what I'm talkin' about.

Money, money, money!



What in the world

you people thinkin' about?



Well, I'll be.



How you gonna leave town

without givin' my ring back?



I've been lookin'

for your ass for    years.



And I've been carrying

that cheap-ass thing with me



'cause I knew

that's all you wanted.



Cheap? You saddity ho,

give me my shit.



- You ain't changed.

- You ain't, either.



Piece of shit, my ass.



- Come here, girl.

- No, you come here.



- You come here.

- No, you come here.



- Get your butt over here.

- No, you come here.



Look at you.

Lord have mercy.



You look good.



You look pretty, too.



- Don't make me chase your ass again.

- I like when you chase me.



I been    years

chasin' after you.



You still got that mattress

on the floor?



What you thinkin'?



We might be able to get down there.

I don't know if we gonna get up.



Nothin' to worry about.

They ain't even real Chicago barbers.



- Mornin', fellas.

- Mornin', young fellow.



- You finally got a day off?

- I quit.



- They fired you?

- No, no.



You know you got fired.



Look at you...

your shirt's still smokin'.



No, I quit on principle.

Politics ain't my thing.



What's going on here?

Look at you.



Well, lookit here.

If it ain't Bobby and Whitney.



Don't try

the opposite-direction thing.



Richard and I are just friends.






It's "Richard" at work

and "Big Daddy" in the bedroom.



Listen, little man, I got a daddy.

I don't need another one.



So keep your mouth shut

before I punch you in it.



She's back.



- What you doin' here?

- He got fired.



I did not get fired.



All right, fellas, how you doin'?









Well, Jimmy,

first chair is open.



Your old chair is open.

Quiet as it's kept.



I don't know how long

we gonna be open.



We gonna find out today.



- Hey, Calvin.

- Good morning.



All right!



My chair open.

Come on.






What the hell he do?



Well, I'll be da...



Hold on. Where the hell

is my uterus?



In the Dumpster

with the rest of that mess.



If we goin' out,

we goin' out like us.



That's right.



- We back, Big C?

- Yup.



- What you doin' here?

- He got fired.



- Whatever.

- You quit?



I ain't a politician.



- Don't tell me you quit.

- What was I supposed to do?



Is Lalowe Brown

the only politician in Chicago?



Listen, Cal...



Don't even worry about it.

Don't worry about it.



Good to have you back.



Good to be back.



Archie Bunker and George Jefferson

back together again.



- Respect, man.

- All right, respect.



Yo, what's up?



- What's happenin', y'all?

- What's goin' on?



Can somebody tighten me up?



Come on over here, Wakefield.

Sit down.



Serve you right.



What's up, Cal?



What's up, y'all?

Quick lineup?



What's happenin'?



I got you, playboy.



Calvin, I like

what you said yesterday.



What's up, man?



Dinka, can you hook me up?



Yes, sir.

No problem.



Leave my customers alone.



That's Rick's.



Hey, Rick, I'm next with you.



All right.

Whatever you want here.



It looks to me

like the village has spoken.



It's okay.

Just a minor setback.






We can get through this.






Young man, you're on your own.



Remember that.



Hey, Isaac, play somethin'.



Anything but R. Kelly. Please.

Somethin' wrong with that boy.



He need some serious help.

We ain't listenin' to no R. Kelly.



Hold, now. Don't start

talkin' about R. Kelly.



I saw the tape.

Y'all see the tape?



- Yeah, I saw the tape.

- How that boy gonna say it ain't him?



You can't believe everything.

The media likes to spin stuff.



- That was him.

- You don't know.



- I think he was set up.

- He was set up.



He set up the camera.

That's what he did!



He had his head so far

up that girl's behind,



you thought it was Groundhog Day.



But that ain't him.

It ain't just him.



Michael Jackson... his problem

is he got a Ferris wheel.



How you gonna be a pedophile

with a Ferris wheel?



Kobe Bryant... everybody thought

he was Mr. Goody Two-shoes.



Come to find out

he ain't have on no shoes.



He didn't have on

no socks, either.



Man, and Luther Vandross.



You done gone too goddamn far.



Don't talk about

Luther Vandross, okay?



Luther's sick, man.



- I can't talk about Luther Vandross?

- No!



Everybody in here sayin'

I can't talk about Luther Vandross?






I can't talk

about Luther Vandross?



What you gonna do

about it, then?



Eddie, that's what I'm talkin' about.

That's enough!



That's enough!

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