Barefoot In The Park Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Barefoot In The Park script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Neil Simon movie with Robert Redford and Jane Fonda.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Barefoot In The Park. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Barefoot In The Park Script



           * Going... *

            * Where it says keep off the grass *

            * Isn't recommended for the very old *

            * But when you're young and you're in love *

            * The world is beautiful *

            * And I'm not a bit afraid of you catching cold *

            * Running barefoot through the park *

            * Searching bareheaded in the rain *

            * For a midwinter daisy *

            * Seems kind of crazy to do *

            * But come along, my barefoot love *

            * To the fields that shine with spring *

            We just got married!

            * Though it's    below *

            * Let me go knee-deep in daisies with you *

            * La la la... *

            They just got married.

            * La la la la la la la *

            * La la la la la la la la la la la *

            * La la la la la la la la *

            * La la la la la *

            * La la la la la la la la la la la *

            * La la la la **


            This is the Plaza Hotel, please.


            Corie, it's the Plaza.

            Wait a minute. I'm not finished.

            Corie, the man is waiting.

            Give him a big tip.

            Paul, tell me you're not sorry we got married.

            After    minutes?

            Let's give it a couple of hours first.

            If the honeymoon doesn't work out,

            let's not get divorced.

            Let's kill each other.

            Let's have a maid do it.

            I hear the service here's wonderful.



            Thank you.

            Come on.

            Good afternoon.


            My hand. I need my hand.

            "Mr. Paul Bratter."


            Is Mrs. Bratter staying with you?

            My mother?

            Oh! Mrs. Bratter, yes.

            Mr. And Mrs. Bratter.

            [Ringing Bell]

            How long will you be staying with us, Mr. Bratter?

            Six days.

            And nights.

            It's a pleasure to have you at the Plaza.


            Ha ha ha!

            Come on. Corie, let's stop.

            This way, please.

            Ex-excuse me. Excuse us, please.

            Mr. Adams, I hope you realize I'm only    years old.

            Thanks. Thanks a lot.

            They're so stuffy around here.

            Is this what life is going to be like

            for the next    years?

            Is that all we're going to be married,    years?

            That's not very long.

            Wait. Don't make rash judgments.

            I think I'm going to be a lousy wife.

            Don't be angry with me.

            I love you very much,

            and I'm very sexy.

            Then let's go inside.

            I'm paying $   a day.

            O.K., Paul, let's start the marriage.

            Good luck, Paul.

            Good luck, Corie.

            Forget it. They're never coming out.

            How long has it been now?

            Five days.

            Whew! That must be a hotel record.

            For a political convention.

            A honeymoon record is nine days.

            Wait a minute, Paul!

            Where are you going?

            Work. I have to go to work.

            I don't do this for a living, you know.

            Can't you call in sick?

            I am sick, but I have to go.

            Last night you promised you'd never leave me.

            It's just till  :  .

            If it's a good marriage, it'll last until  :  .

            See ya.

            Tonight, hey?

            What was that?

            A kiss?

            Would you get inside? It's a nice hotel.

            Was that a kiss?

            If that's what kisses are going to be like,

            don't bother coming back at  :  .

            I can't kiss you anymore.

            My lips are numb. Now will you please go inside.

            If you don't give me a real kiss,

            I'm going to give you back your pajamas.

            Right now.




             Couldn't you make it  :  ?




              At the new apartment.

              It's    West   th Street.

              I love you!

              Yeah. Uh.

              Thank you, Mr. Dooley.

              Next time you're in New York,

              just call me up.

              [Doorbell Buzzes]



              Up here, top floor!

              Top floor.

              Take your time!


              Top floor.

              It's always the top floor.


              Whatever happened to elevators?

              Let's see. The bed is   feet long

              and the room is   /  feet

              and I'm in big trouble.




              Hi. Teleph...


              Telephone company.

              The phone?


              Oh, great! Come on in.

              That's... that's quite a climb.

              Yes. Five flights, if you don't count the front stoop.

              Yeah, I counted the front stoop.

              Uh, would you like a glass of water?


              I'd offer you soda or a beer,

              but we don't have anything yet.

              A glass of water's fine.

              Except we don't have any glasses either.


              You could, uh...

              put your head under and just schlurp.

              Oh, no, I don't have enough breath to slurp.


              Where would you like the phone?

              Gee, uh...

              I don't know.

              Any suggestions?

              Well, it all depends

              on what you're going to do with the room.

              You going to have furniture in here?



              Listen, you can give me a long extension cord,

              and I'll carry it around with me the first few years.

              Good. I'll use the old connection.


              You're really going to live up here, huh?

              I mean every day.

              Every day.

              [Doorbell Rings]

              I hope that's the men with the furniture.

              I don't want to see this.

              Hello, Bloomingdale's!

              Lord & Taylor's.


              Up here, top floor!

              Oh, my God.

              It's probably another wedding gift from my mother.

              She sends wedding gifts twice a day.

              I hope it's an electric heater.

              Is it cold in here?

              I can't grip the phone.

              Maybe the steam is off.

              Maybe that's it.

              Just turn it on.

              It'll come right up.

              It is on.

              It's just not coming up.


              Your husband have a lot of sweaters?

              I prefer it this way.

              It's a medical fact that steam heat's bad for you.

              Yeah? In February?


              Just put them down anywhere.

              I know. I know.

              Oh, I'm terribly sorry about the stairs.


              I think he wants you to sign it.


              Oh, wait a minute.

              There you are.

              Are you going to be all right?


              That's a shame,

              giving a job like that to an old man.

              He's probably only   .

              They age fast on this route.

              O.K., lady, you're in business.

              My own phone.

              Can I make a call yet?

              Your bill started two minutes ago.

              Who can I call?

              Oh, by the way, my name is Harry Pepper.

              If you ever have phone trouble,

              do me a favor... don't ask for Harry Pepper.

              What's the matter, bad news?

              It's going to be cloudy tonight with a light snow.

              You'll be the first in the city

              to see it fall.

              [Police Whistle Blows]

              Hello, is Mr. Paul Bratter there, please?

              This is Mrs. Paul Bratter calling.

              This is terrific. It works just great.

              Just like a real phone, huh?

              Frank, is Paul there?

              Hi, Corie.

              He left about    minutes ago.

              Looked very tired.

              Tell him to call me when he gets in.

              I've got great news.

              No kidding, Frank. What is it?

              [Doorbell Rings]

              Frank, hang on. That may be him now.

              I didn't want him to come

              till after the furniture arrived.



              Where are you?


              Up here!

              Paul, up here, top floor!

              Oh, it's him!

              How long did you say you were married?

              Six days.

              He won't notice the place is empty till June.

              So long, Grammercy      .

              Have a nice marriage.

              Thank you.

              And may you soon have many extensions.

              He's on his way up.

              Can you hang on for five more flights?


              Hurry up, darling!

              Now, don't expect too much,

              'cause the furniture hasn't gotten here yet!

              And the paint didn't turn out exactly right,

              but I think it's going to be beautiful!


              Paul, are you all right?

              I'm coming.

              I'm coming.


              He's coming. He's coming.

              He's coming. He's coming.

              Hi, sweetheart!

              Paul, darling!

              Oh! Say something.

              It's six flights. Did you...

              Did you know it's six flights?

              Well, it isn't. It's only five.

              What about that big thing

              hanging outside the building?

              That's not a flight. It's a stoop.

              It may look like a stoop.

              It climbs like a flight.

              Is that all you have to say?

              I didn't think I'd get that much out.


              But it didn't...

              It didn't seem like six flights

              when I first saw the apartment.

              Why... why is that?

              You didn't see this apartment.

              Don't you remember? The woman wasn't home.

              You saw the apartment on the third floor.

              That's why.

              You don't like it.

              I do like it, dear.

              I'm just waiting for my eyes to clear.

              I thought you'd say wow!

              I will.

              I will. I'm just...



              It's going to be beautiful!

              I promise you!

              Do you know what?


              I missed you.


              In the middle of the Monday morning conference

              I began to...

              Let's go back to the Plaza.

              We have an hour till checkout.

              We can't.


              We stole a towel and three ashtrays. We're hot.

              You know, for a lawyer, you're some good kisser.



              For a kisser, I'm some good lawyer.

              Something's happened.

              Something's happened. Tell me!

              It's not positive.

              The office will call and let me know.

              They called. I mean I called.




              Over there. Right now.

              You didn't tell me.

              I forgot.

              You kissed me and got me all crazy.

              Frank. Yes, Frank. Tell me...

              That's very funny, Frank.

              For a lawyer I'm some good kisser.

              I'd love to listen,

              but I've got work to do. You, too.

              You've a got a court case tomorrow.

              Frank, are you kidding?

              Do you mean this?

              The whole thing?

              Birnbaum v. Gump.

              Marshall just dumped the case

              in our eager, inexperienced little hands.

              This is our chance for the key to the executive washroom.

              Well, we're a cinch.

              I'll go over the briefs here tonight.

              I'll meet you at the office at  :   in the morning.

              Frank, think I have time to grow a mustache?

              Did you hear? Did you hear?

              It's my first case!

              I'm going to be a lawyer!

              That's great, Paul.

              You going to have to work tonight?

              I'm going to go over the affidavits.

              This furrier's suing a woman for nonpayment.

              I've got the furrier.

              I have a black lace nightgown.

              He made four coats for a Park Avenue woman.

              She doesn't want them.

              She's   foot  . He'd have to sell them to a rich midget.

              I'll put on a record

              and do an original Cambodian fertility dance.

              There's no signed contract.

              What's happening? What is this?

              What are you doing?

              I'm trying to get you all hot and bothered,

              and you're summing up for the jury.

              The whole marriage is over.

              Corie, honey, I'm sorry.

              I'm excited, that's all.

              You want me to be rich and famous, don't you?

              During the day.

              At night I want you here and sexy.

              I will, I prom...

              Tomorrow night... your night.

              We'll do whatever you like, O.K.?

              Something wild, crazy, and insane?


              Like what?

              I'll come home early.

              We'll wallpaper each other.

              Tonight, dear, I've got to work.

              Please, O.K.? O.K.?


              So where do I sit?

              The furniture will be here in a minute.

              It probably got stuck in traffic.

              What about tonight?

              I've got court in the morning.

              Maybe we ought to check into a hotel.

              We just checked out of a hotel.

              I want to sleep in my own apartment.

              Where, dear, where?

              There's only room for one in the bathtub.

              Where's the bathtub?

              There's no bathtub. There's a shower.

              How am I going to take a bath?

              You'll take a shower.

              I don't like showers. I like baths.

              How will I take a bath?

              Lie down and hang your feet over the sink.

              Ha ha ha!

              You know it's freezing in here.

              Isn't there any heat?

              Of course. There's a radiator.

              The radiator's the coolest thing in the room.

              Does the building have a janitor?

              Only Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

              Paul, it's going to warm up a lot when the furniture gets here.

              What about tonight? I've got court in the morning.

              Stop saying it like you have a case every morning.

              This is your first one.

              Well, how...

              What are you doing?

              Seeing if these windows are closed.

              Why is it windy in here?

              I don't feel a draft.

              I said wind.

              There's a brisk northeasterly wind blowing in here.

              Don't get sarcastic.

              I'm not getting sarcastic. I'm getting chapped lips.

              How can there be wind...


              How's this for an answer?

              There's a hole in the skylight.

              Paul, don't get excited.

              We'll plug it up for tonight.

              How? That's    feet high.

              Fly over in a plane and drop something in.

              It's only one night. It's not that cold.

              You know what it's like in February at   A.M.?

              It's ice-cold freezing.

              It's not going to be freezing.

              It's going to be cloudy with a light snow...

              What? What? What?

              Light what?



              It's going to snow tonight?


              In here?

              They're wrong as often as they're right.

              I'm going to be shoveling snow in my living room.

              First of all, it's just a little hole.

              Secondly, what do you want me to do?

              Go to pieces...

              like me.

              It's natural.


              I have a better idea.

              I'm going to keep you warm.

              And there's no charge for electricity.

              All right.

              I can't do this.

              Do you think Corie would be upset

              if I just popped up and said hello?

              Upset with her own mother?

              Why? I do it all the time.

              They're still practically on their honeymoon.

              She's probably dying for your advice.

              Not Corie. She gives her own advice.

              All right, let's go home.

              I'll just be    minutes.

              No longer. I'll be circling the block.

              I see I haven't got much of a law career ahead of me.

              Good. I hope we starve.

              I hope they find us dead in each other's arms.

              "Frozen skinny lovers found on   th Street."

              Then we are in love again?

              Yes, we're in love again.

              [Doorbell Rings]

              It's the bed.

              It's the bed.


              I hope it's the bed.



              Oh, no.

              Your mother?

              I invited her for Tuesday.

              I can't entertain her. I've got court in the morning.

              She's going to think we're Gypsies

              living in an empty store.

              Five minutes ago, this place was paradise.

              Suddenly, it's Cannery Row.

              She doesn't understand, Paul.

              She has a different set of values.

              She's practical, not young like us.

              I'm    and cold as hell.




              Promise me one thing.

              Don't tell her about the rent.

              If she asks you, tell her you're not sure.

              I have to know what my rent is.

              I'm a college graduate.

              Can't you lie for me?

              You don't have to tell her it's    .

              How much is it, then?



                 all right?

              $  .   a month, including gas and electricity.

              Paul, will she believe that?

              Anybody would believe that.

              It's the     that's hard to swallow.

              [Telephone Rings]


              Yes? Hello.

              Yes, it is.

              You what?

              Thank you very much for calling.

              Furniture's not coming till tomorrow.

              They're sending up a mattress

              and some blankets for tonight.

              Won't that be cozy?

              It'll be all right.

              Don't let her stay here too long because I've got...

              A case in court in the morning. I know.

              Hello, Mother.

              Hello, Mom.

              I can't breathe.

              Take it easy, Mother.

              I can't catch my breath.

              You should have rested.

              I did, but there were always more stairs.

              Paul, help her.

              Watch this step.

              More stairs?

              Mother, would you like a glass of water?

              No, thank you, dear. I can't swallow yet.

              Oh, my.

              It's not that high, Mother.

              It's not bad, really.

              What is it, nine flights?

              It's five. We don't count the front stoop.

              If I had known the people on the third floor,

              I'd have gone to visit them.

              Oh, gee, Mother, what a pleasant surprise.

              I'm not staying.

              Aunt Harriet's honking the horn for me in    minutes.

              Just one good look around.

              I'm not sure I'm coming back.

              You can't tell anything yet.

              I wish you'd arrived after the furniture had come.

              I have a marvelous imagination.



              Corie, baby, it's beautiful.

              You hate it.

              No, no, I love it. It's a charming apartment.

              I love it.

              I knew you wouldn't like it.

              I love it.

              Paul, didn't I say that?

              She said she loved it.

              I knew I said it.

              Are you absolutely crazy in love with it?

              Yes. It's very cute.

              There's so much you can do with it.

              I told you she'd hate it.

              Corie, you don't give a person a chance.

              Let me see the whole apartment.

              This is it.

              It's a nice large room.

              There's a bedroom.

              One flight up.

              It's just two steps. See,    ...  .

              Oh, split level.

              Where's the bedroom? Through here?

              No, in here. This is the bedroom.

              It's really just a dressing room,

              but I'm going to use it as a bedroom.

              You can just put a bed in here.

              That's right.


              It'll fit. I measured the room.

              A double bed?

              No, a large single.

              Very nice.

              Where will Paul sleep?

              With me.

              Large single?

              But you won't be able to get to the closet.

              Yes, you will.

              Without climbing over the bed?

              You have to climb over the bed.

              That's a good idea.

              You can just hang your clothes from the pipe.

              That's right.

              Everything is just temporary.

              What do they say in Harper's Bazaar?

              It won't take shape

              until the bride's own personality becomes clearly defined.

              I think it's you right now.

              What's in here?

              Oh... the bathroom.

              No bathtub.

              This is the kitchen.

              It's very cozy.

              It's chilly in here.

              You feel a draft?

              Stand over here. It's warmer.

              What you need is a drink.

              Would you run down and get some Scotch?

              You have lots of wall space.

              What color are you going to paint it?

              It's painted.

              Very attractive.

              I've got to go.

              No, Mother. Not till you have a drink.

              Aren't you going to get the Scotch?

              I'll stay for just one drink.

              Button up. It's cold.

              I've noticed.

              Get some cheese.


              I just want to give my fella a kiss

              and wish him luck.

              Your new home is beautiful.

              It's a perfect little apartment.

              And you do like it?

              Where else can you get anything like this

              for   .   a month?

              Are you sure, Paul?

              Six flights of stairs again.

              It's the only way to travel.


              Corie, baby, I'm so excited for you.

              Mother, it's not exactly

              what you pictured, is it?

              Well, it's unusual...

              like you.

              I remember when you were a little girl.

              You said you wanted to live on the moon.

              I thought you were joking.

              [Knock On Door]

              Well, drunk again, huh?

              O.K., I'll take care of him.

              I know what let's do.

              Let's open my presents and see what you sent me.

              Hey, what's in here? That sounds expensive.

              Now I think it's a broken clock.

              Aunt Harriet helped me pick it out.

              She thinks I should move into New York City now.

              That's an idea.

              "Why, Harriet? Just because I'm alone?" I said.

              "I'm not afraid to live alone.

              In some ways, it's better to live alone,"

              I said.

              Does this pot come with directions?

              If I had known about this kitchen,

              it would have come with hot coffee.

              Mother, I love everything.

              You've got to stop sending me presents.

              You should start spending your money on yourself.


              What does a woman like me need living all alone

              way out in New Jersey?

              You could travel.


              Alone? At my age?

              I read a story in the Times.

              Middle-aged woman traveling alone

              fell off the deck of a ship.

              They never discovered it till they got to France.


              If you ever fell off the deck of a ship,

              somebody would know about it.

              Know what I think you really need?

              I don't want to hear it.

              You're afraid to hear the truth.

              It's not the truth I'm afraid to hear.

              It's the word you're going to use.

              Love. Last week I didn't know what it meant.

              Then I checked in to the Plaza Hotel.

              Know what happened there?

              I promised myself I wouldn't ask.

              I fell in love.

              Spiritual, physical, and emotional love.

              No one should be without it.

              I have you.

              I'm not talking about that kind...

              I know what you're talking about.

              You don't want to discuss it?

              Not with you present.

              [Horn Honks]

              That must be Aunt Harriet.

              I've got to go.

              Some visit.

              Just a sneak preview.

              I'll see you Tuesday for the world premiere.

              You shouldn't have run just for me.

              Goodbye, love.

              I love your new apartment.

              I'll see you both on Tuesday.


              Paul, what's the matter?

              I just had an interesting talk

              with the man in the liquor store.

              We have some of the greatest weirdos in the country

              living in this building.

              Like who?

              In Apartment  C are the Boscos,

              Mr. And Mrs. J. Bosco.

              Who are they?

              A lovely young couple of the same sex.

              No one knows which one that is.

              In  C are Mr. And Mrs. Gonzales...

              Mr. And Mrs. Armandariz, and Mr. Calhoun,

              who must be the umpire.

              Guess who lives in  D.

              I don't know.

              Nobody else does either.

              Nobody's been seen in three years,

              except every morning there are nine empty tuna cans

              outside the door.

              Sounds like a big cat with a can opener.

              Victor Velasco lives in  A, the attic.

              He's   . He skis, he climbs mountains,

              he's been married four times.

              He's known as the Bluebeard of   th Street.

              What does that mean?

              Either he attacks girls or he's got a blue beard.

              Where are you going?

              To stand in the bedroom and work.

              If the bed or the heat comes up, let me know.



              Are you asleep?

              Just my hands and my feet.

              Know what the trouble is?

              We're wearing too much clothing.

              Know how the Eskimos keep warm?

              They check into a motel.

              Paul, do you hate me?


              Say it.

              I hate you.

              I hate you.


              There's somebody at the door.

              If it's the Red Cross, let them in.

              Aren't you going to answer it?

              You found the apartment. You answer it.


              Who are you?

              Who are you?

              I live here.

              So do I.

              How delightful.

              I hope I didn't disturb you.

              My name is Velasco, Victor Velasco.

              The Bluebeard... from the attic?

              I was wondering if I could use your bedroom.

              The bedroom? No.

              I can't get into my apartment.

              I wanted to crawl out your window along the ledge.

              Did you lose your key?

              I have my key, but it no longer fits the lock.

              The penalty of being four months behind on the rent.

              So, you say you live here?

              Just moved in today.

              Really? And what are you, a folk singer?

              No, a wife.

              You know, of course, you're very pretty.

              All indications point to my falling in love with you.

              I see our ratfink landlord has left a hole in the skylight.

              He's going to fix it, won't he?

              I wouldn't count on it.

              My bathtub has been leaking since     .

              Tell me... does your husband, uh, work during the day?


              In an office?


              Good. I work at home during the day.

              I predict interesting complications.

              Am I making you nervous?

              Very nervous.

              Ha! Wonderful.

              Once a month

              I try to make pretty young girls nervous

              just to keep my ego from going out.

              I'll save you a lot of anguish.

              I'm  ... I'm    years old

              and a thoroughly nice fellow.

              Well, I'm glad to hear that.

              I wish I were    years older.


              Dirty old men seem to get away with a lot more.

              I'm still at the awkward age.

              When do I get invited down for dinner?

              Dinner? We'd love to have you for dinner

              as soon as we get set up.

              With newlyweds, I could starve to death.

              Shall we say next Tuesday night?

              Tuesday night? No, my mother's...

              Tuesday night's fine.

              It's a date.

              I'll bring the wine.

              You can pay me when I get here.

              You're invited to my cocktail party tomorrow night,   :  .

              You do drink, don't you?

              Yes, of course.

              Good. Bring liquor. Until tomorrow.

              If we don't freeze first.

              You don't know about the plumbing, do you?

              Everything in this museum works backwards.

              For example, on the steam, it says turn right,

              so you turn left.

              Except I can't reach it.

              Will you help me up, please?

              With the greatest of physical pleasure.


              Corie, was there anyone...

              We were just warming up the apartment.

              Uh, Paul...


              This is Mr. Velasco from upstairs.

              He was just telling me

              that all our plumbing works backwards.

              That's right.

              An important thing to remember is

              you have to flush up. Until tomorrow night.

              What's tomorrow night? Where's he going?

              Don't forget Tuesday.

              What's he doing in the bedroom?

              That nut went out the window.

              [Telephone Rings]



              Hello, Mother? It's me.

              Did you hear what I said?

              Nothing's wrong.

              I just want to confirm our Tuesday night dinner date.

              At  :   in the morning?

              I want to be sure you'll come.

              At  :   in the morning?

              And, Mother, wear something gay and frivolous.

              Buy a new dress.

              At  :   in the morning?

              I'll call you tomorrow. Bye.

              Who you waving at?


              I decided to meet you here every day.

              It takes you so long to climb the stairs,

              and I can't wait for you.

              The bus driver will think you're my mother.

              Have you an Aunt Fern?

              She sent us a check today.

              Boy, do you have a cheap Aunt Fern.

              I'll write and tell her.

              Your mother called from Philly.

              She and your father are coming up,

              and your sister has a new boyfriend from Rutgers.

              He has acne, and they all hate him,

              including your sister.

              Did you miss me today?


              Why not?

              You called eight times.

              I don't talk to you that much when I'm home.

              Grouch. How'd it go in court today?

              Gump or Birnbaum?


              You won? Oh, Paul!

              Oh, I'm so proud.

              Aren't you happy?

              We were awarded   cents.

              You have to be awarded something,

              so the court made it   cents.

              How much do you get?

              Birnbaum gets the whole   cents.

              From here on in,

              I get the cases that come in for a dime or under.

              Grouch, grouch, grouch.

              You weren't that grouchy under the covers.

              Do you have to carry on a personal conversation with me on the stairs?

              What's wrong with it?

              Everybody knows the intimate details of your life.

              I ring the bell, and suddenly we're on the air.

              I better make you a drink.

              You're supposed to be charming tonight.

              This little dinner you have planned for tonight

              has got fiasco written all over it.

              Maybe they have a lot in common.

              Are you kidding?

              Your mother?

              That quiet, dainty little woman from New Jersey

              and the Count of Monte Cristo?

              You must be kidding.


              You've seen his apartment.

              He wears Japanese kimonos and sleeps on rugs.

              Your mother wears a hair net and sleeps on a board.


              Maybe we could help her.

              We don't have to introduce her

              as my dull,   -year-old, housewife mother.

              That wasn't the exact wording I had planned.

              What did you have in mind?

              Something more glamorous.

              Former actress.

              You know, of course, that she was in

              The Man Who Came To Dinner.

              Your mother? Where? The East Orange Women's Club?

              On Broadway. She was in the original company

              of Strange Interlude,

              and she had a small singing part

              in Knickerbocker Holiday.

              Are you serious?

              Cross my heart.

              Your mother an actress?


              You never told me this.

              Why didn't you ever tell me?

              I didn't think you'd be interested.

              That's fascinating.

              I can't get over that.

              See? Now you're interested.

              It's a lie.

              Every bit of it.

              I'm going to control myself.


              Hello, Mom.

              Are you all right?


              Yes, Mom.

              In my handbag... are some pink pills.

              Pink pills? Right.

              I'll be all right. I'm a little out of breath.

              I'll get you something to drink.

              I had to park three blocks away.

              It started to rain, so I ran the last two blocks.

              Then my heel got caught in the subway grating.

              When I pulled my foot out, I stepped in a puddle.

              Then a cab went by and splashed my stockings.

              If the hardware store downstairs was open,

              I was going to buy a knife and kill myself.

              Drink this.

              Here's your pill, Mom.

              A martini to wash down a pill.

              It'll make you feel better.

              A martini I had at home made me sick.

              That's what the pill's for.

              Let me help you inside.

              You need food. I'll get you an hors d'oeuvre.

              No, thanks.

              It's just sour cream and blue cheese.

              I wish you hadn't said that.

              Like to lie down?

              No, thanks, dear. I can't lie down without my board.

              Right now, all I want to do is see the apartment.

              Well, then... help you up.


              [Sighs Cheerfully]



              Do you like it?

              Like it?


              It's magnificent.


              Oh. And you did it all by yourself.

              Mr. Velasco gave me some ideas.

              - Who? - Our decorator.

              He comes in through the window once a week.

              Oh, the man that lives upstairs.

              Oh, you've heard about him, eh?

              Yes. Corie had me on the phone for two hours yesterday.

              Did you know he's been married four times?

              Yes. If I were you, I'd sleep with a gun.


              See, we did get the bed in.

              Yes. Just fits, doesn't it?

              Just. We have to turn in unison.

              Well, I must admit,

              I never expected anything like this.

              Can't wait to see the expression

              on your parents' faces tonight, Paul.

              I beg your... my what?

              Your mother and father.

              We're dining with them tonight.

              Isn't that what you said, Corie?

              Is that what you told her?

              If I said you had a blind date with Mr. Velasco,

              I couldn't have blasted you out of the house.

              Blind date with Mr. Velas...

              The man that lives upst...

              Good God.

              What's all the panic, Mother?

              He's just a man.

              My accountant is just a man.

              You make him sound like Douglas Fairbanks.

              He looks nothing like Douglas Fairbanks, does he, Paul?

              No. He just jumps like him.

              Come on. You're going to have a marvelous evening.

              Come on where?

              To Mr. Velasco's for cocktails.

              I'm not even dressed.

              You look fine.

              For Paul's parents I just wanted to look clean.

              He'll think I'm a nurse.

              He'll think you're very interesting.

              How's my hair?

              Fine. Push it up a bit in back.

              Paul, is something wrong with my hair?

              Mother, just try to go along with everything.

              What do you mean? Where are we going?

              Be one of the fellows.

              One of what fellows?

              Should I go first?

              Go where?

              Up there. That's where the birdman lives.

              Good Lord.


              Go on, Paul. It's all right, Mother.

              I'll be right behind you.

              [Mother] Oh!

              Mother, are you all right?

              Oh, my! You should've told me about this.

              I'd have gone into training.

              I've got you. Paul, pull her up.

              Give me your hand.

              You're pulling my arm!

              Stop pulling her arm!

              I'm not pulling. I'm helping.


              [Oriental Music Plays]

              Thank you.

              Oh! Isn't this wild? What do you think, Mother?

              I've broken some straps.


              Ah, my guests.


              [Speaking Burmese]

              I beg your pardon?

              I was just saying hello in Burmese.

              Corie, ra-vi-shing!

              What does that mean?

              Ravishing. That's English.

              Ha ha ha ha!

              Paul, would you do the honors?

              I don't believe you've met Corie's mother... Mrs. Banks.

              Mom, our new neighbor... Mr. Velasco.

              How do you do?

              Mrs. Banks, I've been looking forward so to meeting you.

              I invited your daughter to my cocktail party,

              and she spent the entire evening talking of you.

              That must've been a dull party.

              Not at all.

              I meant talking about me must've been dull, not the party.

              Ha ha. I understand.

              Thank you.

              Won't you sit down?


              Aren't these marvelous?

              Yes, they're marvelous.

              And now...




              It's an hors d'oeuvre, Mother.

              Mr. Velasco makes them himself.

              He's a... a famous gourmet.

              Gourmet. Imagine.

              Didn't you once cook for the king of Sweden?

              Well, we belong to the same gourmet society.

                  charter members,

              including the king, Prince Philip,

              Fidel Castro.

              Fidel Castro, too.

              Yes. We meet once every five years

              for a dinner we cook ourselves.

              In      they're supposed to come to my house.

              We have another    seconds.

              Till what?

              Until they're edible.

              The last    seconds,

              we just let them sit there and breathe.

              Oh, Paul, aren't they gorgeous?


              When you eat knichi,

              you take a bite into history.

              Knichi is over      years old.

              Not this particular batch, of course. Ha ha.

              [Shrilly] Ha ha ha ha...

              Ha ha ha.

              Would you be betraying the society by telling us what's in them?

              Well, if caught,

              your taste buds are ostracized for two years.

              But since I'm among friends...

              It's bits of salted fish,

              grated olives,


              and onion batter.






               ...  . Mrs. Banks.

              Oh. Thank you.

              What's the fish?




              That's why the time element is so essential.

              Eel spoils quickly.

              Mrs. Banks, you're not eating.

              I had a martini and a pink pill, and I think...

              Oh, please, please.

              The temperature of the knichi is very important.

              You must eat it now.

              In five minutes, we throw it away.

              Wouldn't want you to do that.

       Uh, no, no. Pop it.

        I beg your pardon?

         If you nibble, knichi tastes bitter.

          You must, uh, pop it.



          Oh, yes.

          Ha ha ha ha.


          Oh. Thank you.


          [Cough Cough]

          Are you O.K.?

          [Choking] I think I popped it back too far.


          Was that water?

          No. Vodka. I use it in the knichi.

          Oh, my stomach.

          Of course, the trick is to pop it

           right through the center of the tongue.

            Then it gets the benefit of the entire palate. Corie.

            Well... here goes.

            How about that?

            Perfect! You are the prettiest epicurean I've ever seen.


            No. No, thank you. L... I have a bad arm.

            You can try. Paul, you have to try everything.

            Right, Mr. Velasco?

            Well, as the French say, at least once.




            You know why, don't you?

            I nibbled, I didn't pop.

            Yeah. Have another. Try to pop...

            I don't care to pop another one. Besides,

            we're over the five-minute limit.

            Are we ready to go out to dinner?

            I thought we were having dinner at your flat.

            No. Our stove caught fire.

            Goodness. What happened?

            Nothing. We just turned it on.

            If you're looking for the unusual,

            I have a suggestion.

            That's what we want...

            The unusual, right, Mother?

            Oh, you know me... one of the fellows.

            Then we're off to The Four Winds.

            The Chinese restaurant,   rd Street?

            No, the Albanian restaurant on Staten Island.

            We'll take the ferry.

            Ferry... in February.

            I love it already! Come on, Mother.

            Paul, help her.

            It won't let go of me. Ha ha! Oh...


            Now, don't expect anything lavish in the way of decor.

            Actually, I'm not even sure

            that they have a restaurant license.

            Mr. Velasco, don't you wear a coat?

            Well, it's only    degrees.

            For me, it's springtime.

            Ready? My group, stay close to me.

            If anyone gets lost,

            we'll meet at the United States Embassy.

            Where were you?

            Getting my gloves.

            What do you need gloves for? It's only    degrees.

            Oh. Sorry, I forgot.

            We're having a heat wave.

            Do you have a dime?


            Would you look at her?

            Look at her.

            She's freezing to death, but she wouldn't admit that.

            I'll admit it. I'm freezing to death.

            Ah! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

            Ha ha ha! Hi!


            Ha ha ha!


            Come on, Mother.

            Uh, listen, are you sure we're in the right place?

            Well... inhale.

            This way.


            Em Shash Kepop... The Four Winds.

            I bid you now enter

            a gastronomical paradise.


            Velasco! Ha ha!

            Ha ha!

            Ha ha!


            You taste delicious!

            You think so? I put myself on the menu.

            How many people you got?

            Four. All cold, all tired, and all starving.

            Good. First you drink, then you eat,

            then you go up to my bed

            and take a little sleep, huh?

            [Speaking Albanian]

            Get up! Huh!

            [Speaking Albanian]

            Aha! Ouzo!

            My beautiful, beloved ouzo.

            Paul, do you drink?

            Yes, thank you. Ouzo, I'd like a Scotch, please.

            No, no. Uh, this is ouzo.

            She is Mushka.

            Paul, didn't you know this was ouzo?


            Is the glass dirty?

            What color is ouzo?


            It's dirty.

            [Speaking Albanian]

            To the beginning of new friendships.

            Viznetz korvorsh keyem buzu!

            What does that mean?

            I don't know. I just made it up. Cheers!





            Ha ha ha! Whoo!

            Here's to your health, Mom.

            Thank you. To my health.


            Have another one, quickly.

            No, thank you, really.

            Please. One can make you sick.

            Two starts you on the road to recovery.


            I don't believe it!

            Taste it. You still won't believe it.

            Pelmenchki! For us!

            He only makes it twice a year.

            If you like it, I make you more next July.

            Ha ha.

            To pelmenchki.

            Pour it in right away. Otherwise, it goes sour.


            Hey, it's Mushka.

            * Shama shama *

            * El mal kema ma *

            * Tsurni *

            * Tsurni oh chi jadam *

            * Shama shama *

            * El mal kema ma... *

            Hey, I like that. What are they playing?

            It's an old Albanian folk song.

            What does shama shama mean?

            Uh, Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care.

            No kidding.

            [Folk Song Continues]

              Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha!

              Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha!

              * La la la la la la-la-la la *

              * La la la-la la-la *

              * La la la la la la-la la la *

              * La la la-la la la la la *

              * La la la la la la-la la la *

              * La la la la la la la *

              * La la la la la la-la la la *

              * La la la la la la la *

              * La la la *

              * La *

              * La la *

              * La la la la la la la *

              * La la la la la la-la la la *

              * La la la la la la la *

              * La la la la la la-la la la *

              * La la la la la la la *

              * Hey *

              * Hey hey *

              * Hey hey **


              * Hot shama *

              * El kema ma **

              Hey! Wait!

              I'll race you up the stairs!

              No! No! No!

              Oh, you!


              Ha ha ha ha!


              Ha ha!

              No, you don't!

              No! No!

              Aah! Aah!

              Ha ha!


              Ohhh, no.


              I won!


              I won. Ha ha ha ha ha!

              That was not a fair race. You tickled me.


              Hey, how do you say it again?

              Say what?

              Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.

              Oh. Poopla, sirca al mercoori.

              Sirca, poopla al mercoori.

              No, no.


              That's, "fly, you have a waiter in my soup."

              I did. He put his hand in to take out the fly.

              Ha ha ha!

              Ooh! How's my head going to feel tomorrow?


              No headache?

              No, but you won't be able

              to make a fist for three days.


              Look at that!

              Coffee. We promised to make coffee.

              Oh! And a promise is a promise!

              I forgot the stove doesn't work.

              Hey, upstairs, everybody, for coffee.

              Don't you two want coffee?

              Oh, they'll drink it if we make it.

              Don't you two go away. Shama shama el mal kema ma.

              [Corie And Victor Laugh]

              [Exhales Heavily]

              I feel like we've died...

              and gone to heaven...

              only we had to climb up.

              Struck down in the prime of life.

              It isn't exactly that I feel sick, just...

              kind of numb...

              and I can't make a fist.

              Mom, you want to hear something frightening?

              My teeth feel soft.

              Huh. It's funny.

              The best thing we had all night was the knichi.

              Ohh... anyway, Corie had a good time.

              She seems to get such a terrific kick out of living.

              You've got to admire that, don't you, Paul?

              Yes, yes. I admire anybody

              who has three portions of pelenchki.

              I tried, Paul.

              I just couldn't seem to work up an appetite

              the way they did.

              No, you mustn't blame yourself, Mom.

              We're not used to that kind of food, that's all.

              You don't... pick up a fork

              and dig into a black salad.

              You got to play with it.

              I don't think I could get through coffee tonight.

              I'm all out of pink pills.

              Where you going?

              Home. I'd like to die in my own bed.

              What will I tell them?

              Make up some clever little lie.

              Tell Corie I'm not really her mother.

              We've decided to have flaming brandy.

              I'm afraid you must excuse me, darling,

              but it is a little late.

              You can't go. It's early.

              I know, but I have a   :   dentist appointment at  :  

              and it's been a very long evening,

              and I don't know what I'm saying.

              You can't do that.

              Darling. Good night, Paul.

              Good night, Mr. Velasco.

              Good night, Paul.

              Good night.

              Good night, Corie.

              You're not going, too?

              Certainly. I'm driving Mrs. Banks home.

              Oh, no. I mean, it's too late.

              For what?

              The buses stop at  :  . How would you get home?

              Why worry about that? I'll meet that problem in New Jersey.

              Really, Mr. Velasco, it's very sweet...



              If we're spending the rest of the evening together,

              it must be Victor. And I insist the arrangement be reciprocal.

              What is it?

              What is what?

              Your name, Mother.

              It's Ethel.

              Oh, yes. Ethel, that's right. My name is Ethel.

              That's better. Are you ready... Ethel?

              If you insist... Walter.

              Victor. It's Victor.

              Yes, Victor.

              Good night, Paul.

              Shama shama, Corie.

              Shama shama.

              If you don't hear from us in a week,

              we'll be at the Nacional Hotel in Mexico City...

              Room    . Come on, Ethel.

              What did he mean by that?

              Stop worrying, Mother. Call me in the morning.


              How about that? He likes her!

              He likes my mother!

              He'll probably have to sleep over.

              Paul, do you suppose that...

              Not my mother.

              Boy, what a night!

              I got an idea. Let's take the bottle of Scotch downstairs

              and ring all the bells and yell "police."

              Huh? Just to see who comes out of whose apartment?

              What's the matter, darling? Don't you feel well?

              What a rotten thing to do,

              dragging your mother out like that into the middle of the harbor

              for a bowl of sheep dip.

              It was Greek bean soup.

              And at least she tasted it.

              She didn't jab at it with her knife

              throwing cute little epigrams like,

              "Ho, ho, ho. I think there's somebody in there."

              That's, um... quite a match you made.

              I can just hear the conversation. Sparkling dialogue.

              He's telling her about some great Japanese restaurant

              in East Berlin, and she's describing

              the joys of having a root canal job.

              Give me your hand, Ethel.

              My what?

              Your hand. There is ice on the stoop.

              Don't worry about me. I can manage.



              Are you all right?




              I just can't understand

              how you can be so unconcerned about all this.

              - Unconcerned? - I really...

              Do you think I'll get one wink of sleep

              until that phone rings tomorrow?

              I'm scared to death for my mother.

              And I'm grateful there's finally something to be scared about.

              What I'm really concerned about is you.



              Yeah. I'm beginning to wonder

              if you're capable of having a good time.

              Why? Because I like to wear my gloves in winter?

              No. Because there isn't the least bit of adventure in you.

              You know what you are, Paul? You're a watcher.

              You're a watcher. There are watchers in this world,

              and there are doers.

              And the watchers sit around watching the doers do.

              Tonight you watched, and I did.

              It was a little harder to watch what you did

              than it was for you to do what I was watching.

              You can't even relax for one evening.

              I don't know, Paul, sometimes you act like a...

              What? Hmm? A stuffed shirt? Is that it?

              I didn't say that.

              That's what you were implying.

              That's what you're anticipating.

              I didn't say stuffed shirt.


              But you're extremely proper and dignified.

              Proper and dignified? When was I proper and dignified?

              The other night at Delfino's, you were drunk, right?

              Right. I was stoned.

              Exactly. I didn't even know it

              until you told me in the morning.

              Uhh... I mean, you're a funny kind of drunk, Paul.

              You just sat around looking unhappy, watching your coat.

              I was watching my coat

              because I saw someone else watching my coat.

              If you want, I'll get drunk for you sometime,

              make your hair stand on end.

              In Harry's Bar last New Year's Eve, I punched an old woman.

              Don't tell me about drunk.

              When else? When else was I proper and dignified?

              All the time.

              You're always dressed right.

              You always look right.

              You always say the right thing.

              You're very nearly perfect.

              That's a rotten thing to say.

              Before we were married, I thought you slept with a tie.

              Just for formal sleeps.

              You have absolutely no sense of the ridiculous.

              Like last Thursday night,

              you wouldn't walk barefoot with me in Washington Square Park.

              Why not?

              Simple answer. It was    degrees.

              Exactly. It's very logical, it's very sensible,

              and it's no fun.

              Maybe you're right. Maybe I am

              a little bit too proper and dignified for you.

              Maybe you would've been happier

              with somebody a little more colorful and flamboyant... like the geek.

              It'd be a lot more laughs than a stuffed shirt.

              You said I wasn't.

              Well, you are now.

              I'm not listening to this.

              I have a court case in the morning.

              Where are you going?

              To sleep.

              How can you now?

              I'll close my eyes and count knichis. Good night.

              You cannot sleep now. We're having a fight.

              You have the fight. When you're through, turn off these lights.

              That gets me absolutely insane!

              You can even control your emotions!

              No, no. I'm just as upset as you are.

              But when I'm hungry, I eat. When I'm tired, I sleep.

              I've seen you eat and sleep.

              Not in midcrisis.

              What crisis? We're just yelling.

              You don't consider this a crisis!

              Our whole marriage is hanging in the balance.

              It is?

              When did this happen?

              Just now. It's suddenly become very clear to me

              that you and I have absolutely nothing in common.

              Because I won't go walking barefoot in the park?

              No case. Adultery, yes, but cold feet, no.

              Don't you oversimplify this. I am angry. Can't you see that?

              It's  :  . If I can get to sleep in half an hour,

              I'll get about   hours sleep.

              I'll call you from court tomorrow, and we'll fight by phone.

              You won't go to sleep!

              You'll stay here and fight to save our marriage!

              If our marriage hinges on those fishbowls and pelmenchki,

              it's not worth saving. Care to join me in our tiny bed?

              We're sleeping from left to right tonight.

              You won't discuss it! You're afraid to discuss it!

              I married a... a coward!

              Would you bring in a pail? The closet's dripping.

              Oh, I hate you!

              I really, really hate you!

              There's one thing I've learned in court.

              Be careful when you're tired and angry.

              You may say something you'll regret.

              I am now tired and angry.

              And a coward!

              Maybe you're right.

              Maybe we don't have anything in common.

              Two people should have more

              than just a blood test first.

              Maybe they should be checked first

              for a little common sense, understanding,

              and emotional maturity!

              All right. Why don't you get it passed

              by the Supreme Court?

              Only those couples bearing a certificate from their psychiatrist

              proving that they're emotionally mature can be married.

              Oh, listen...

              Don't touch me!

              Don't lay a finger on me!

              I can't stand to have you near me!

              I don't want to be in the same room with you!

              You're hysterical.

              I am not hysterical!

              I know exactly what I'm saying.

              It's all over between us.

              It's never going to be any good anymore.

              I'm sorry. I don't want to cry.

              Cry, please. Go ahead.

              Don't tell me when to cry!

              I'll cry when I feel like crying.

              I won't cry until you're out of this apartment.

              What do you mean?

              You certainly don't think we're going to live here anymore, do you?

              After this?

              Are you serious?

              Of course I'm serious, Paul!

              I want a divorce!


              I'm sorry. I can't discuss it anymore.

              Where are you going?

              To bed.

              You can't, not now.

              You did before.

              During a fight.

              This is during a divorce.

              I can't talk to you when you're hysterical.

              I want to know why you want a divorce.



              Because you and I have absolutely nothing in common.

              Nothing in common?

              What about the six days at the Plaza, Corie?

              Six days does not a week make.

              What does that mean?

              I don't know!

              I don't know what it means.

              All I know is that I want a divorce.

              You know, I think you mean it.

              You mean this?

              I do.

              I really do.

              Let's just...



              I thought you weren't going to cry.

              Well, I am!

              I'm going to have the biggest cry

              I've ever had in my whole life,

              and I'm going to enjoy it!

              I'll cry so hard

              I'll keep you awake all night.

              Good night, Paul.

              I mean goodbye.



              Six days does not a week make.




              It's for you. I don't live here anymore.

              [Ringing Stops]

              Fine. Fine.

              You work and work for a lousy   cents.

              I don't even care.

              I don't know...

              why I even bother.

              It's just... it's just nothing.

              One pound of grapes.

              Anything else?

              No, thank you.


              God bless him.

              If that's for tonight, you needn't bother.

              I have my own dinner.

              I thought you were moving out.

              I haven't had a chance to look for a room yet.

              I work during the day.

              You'll look tonight.

              I'm coming down with a cold.

              That's why I'm home early.

              I thought I'd take aspirins and get right into the sofa.

              I'm sure you can find someplace.

              You can stay at your club.

              It's not that kind of a club.

              It's a locker room and a handball court.

              To sleep over, I'd have to keep winning the serve.

              Hello, Mrs. Bratter, Mr. Bratter.

              How's every little thing?

              The little things are fine.

              Shall I charge it, Mr. Bratter?

              Charge it to Mrs. Bratter. It's a new account.

              The grapes are his.

              [Slam] [Thunk]

              [Knock On Door]

              It's open!


              Hello again.

              Phone's out of order.

              Yeah. I know.

              I wouldn't be up here on a social call.

              Hey, you did a real nice job.

              Thank you.

              Know anybody that might want to rent it?

              Rent it? You moving already?

              I'm looking for a smaller place.

              Smaller than this, they're not easy to find.

              How do you like married life?

              Very interesting.


              I'm the telephone man.

              I'm the husband.

              Well, let's see what's wrong with the phone.

              It's dead.

              I know. It was murdered last night.

              I'll be out of here as fast as I can.

              Take your time.

              Nobody's rushing you.

              Is there any beer in the house?

              I said, "Is there any beer in the house?"

              Would you like me to look?

              There's no beer in the house.

              There is no beer.


              That's my trouble... beer.

              I can drink    cans in a night... of beer.



              My laundry come back today?

              Yes, your laundry came back today.

              They stuffed your shirts beautifully.


              Would you like a drink?


              I said, "Would you like a drink?"

              Who? Me?







              Just one more little screw will do it.

              There. I'm finished.

              I'm finished.

              - Aah! - [Ring]

              Hello. Yes, it is.

              Just a moment.

              It's Aunt Harriet.

              I don't have an Aunt Harriet.


              I guess you won't be needing me anymore.


              Aunt Harriet, can you hang on a second?

              When do I get it?

              Get what?

              When do I get my divorce?

              I don't know.

              They didn't send the marriage license yet.

              I want you out tonight.

              Fine. I'll get my bag.

              I'll pack my wet suits.

              Hi, Aunt Harriet. What's wrong?

              I'll go sleep in the park,

              where it's dry and warm.

              No, Mother's not with me.

              She left about  :   this morning.

              Yeah? What happened?



              My mother?

              Are you sure?

              What's the matter? What happened?

              No. My phone's been out of order all day.

              Don't get excited.

              I'll call you back

              as soon as I find out anything. Goodbye.

              What's wrong with your mother?

              Mother didn't come home last night.

              Her bed hasn't been slept in.

              I'm calling the police.

              Take it easy. There's nothing to be...

              Maybe her back was bothering her,

              and she fell asleep on the ironing board.

              Would you just go away. Just go away.

              Where are you going?

              Upstairs to find out what happened to mother.

              You better not come back.

              I'm buying a big dog tomorrow.

              You'll have somebody to walk barefoot in the park with.

              A dog. That's a laugh.

              When she tries to take him for a walk,

              he'll get one look at those stairs

              and go right for her throat.

              Mr. Velasco, can I see you for a minute?

              A little dog. A little doggie.

              I don't need anybody to protect me, sweetheart,

              because I am a man, independent, mature,

              self-sufficient man... ah-choo!

              Oh! God bless me.

              I've probably got the flu.


              Chills, fever, sweaty.

              Probably have a   -hour virus.

              Better tomorrow at a quarter to  :  .


              Thanks. Thanks a lot, pal.

              And thus it was written.

              Some shall die by pestilence,

              some by the plague,

              and one poor schnook

              will get it from a hole in the ceiling.


              That's it. That's it.


              Goodbye, leaky closet.

              Bye, no bathtub.

              Bye, hole.

              Goodbye, six flights.


              Goodbye, Corie.

              Oh, no goodbye?

              According to law, I'm entitled to...




              Is it your mother?

              Corie, what is it, an accident?

              For Pete's sake, what's it about?

              It's not the way it looks at all!


              Good God.

              Corie, you've got to believe me.

              Somebody believe me.

              I warned her.

              I warned her, and I was right.

              He warned me, and he was right.

              It must have been the drinks.

              I had a great deal to drink last night...

              Martinis, vodka, coffee, black bean soup, and ouzos.

              That's not my problem.

              I'm well out of it now.


              Then after I fell,

              Victor picked me up and carried me inside.

              I couldn't walk because my shoes fell down the sewer.

              You don't have to explain.

              He started to carry me here,

              but his hat fell over his eyes,

              and we fell down the stairs into apartment  C.

              I fell on his foot.

              I thought we'd have a nice evening.

              Mr. Gonzales, Mr. Armandariz, and Mr. Calhoun

              carried us both up there

              and put us down on the rugs.

              When I awoke, Victor was gone,

              and I was there in his bathrobe.

              I swear that's the truth, Corie!

              Got a cold.

              I've had one for    years.



              Gee, that's a nice coat you got there.



              Your coat.

              I'll make you a trade. What have you got?


              It's a deal!

              You must believe me. I've told you everything.

              Then where are your clothes?

              That I can't tell you.

              Why not?

              You won't believe me.

              I will. Mother, where are your clothes?

              I don't know.

              I don't believe you.

              Didn't I tell you you wouldn't believe me?

              I don't know where they are.

              I've never been so humiliated.

              I kept having the most horrible nightmares.

              I kept dreaming my fingers were falling off

              because I couldn't make a fist. Ohh!

              It's me.


              Mr. Velasco, are you all right?

              If a broken toe is all right, I'm fine.

              Hello, Ethel.

              Hello, Victor... Mr. Victor...

              Mr. Velasco.

              I couldn't get up the ladder again.

              Did you tell Corie what happened last night?

              Why? What happened last night?

              Ooh, last night. Yes.

              Take his arm, Mother.

              I knew I would come to this, being helped by women.

              Oh, dear, does your foot hurt?

              Compared to my stomach, no.

              I think I have a new ailment

              which I shall call "intestinal volcano."

              Are there little men in there

              running around in spiked shoes?

              And pointy steel helmets,

              and they keep jumping up and down, up and down.

              How long has this been going on?

              Hardly ever, except after meals.

              Welcome to my club.

              I think you have an ulcer.

              An ulcer? Me? From what?

              Too many spicy foods.

              You'll have to get used

              to taking little pink pills.

              Oh, I'd rather die,

              but first I must get rid of this headache.

              Do you have about     aspirins?

              I'm not as young as I think I am.

              Why do you say that?

              Isn't it obvious?

              Last night, I couldn't carry you up the stairs.

              I can't eat rich food anymore.

              I dye my hair, my...

              Well, it's very nice.

              Thank you.

              So are you.

              You know, Ethel, you are a very unusual woman.

              Unusual? In what way?

              I took a long look at you last night.

              Do you know what you are?


              A good sport.

              Oh, a good sport.

              To have gone through all you did last night...

              the trip to Staten Island, the strange food,

              being carried up to my apartment like that.

              If you remember, eh?

              Ha ha ha!

              Mr. Velasco, where are my clothes?

              Oh, your clothes. Here.

              I'm sure I wore more than that.

              It's a cleaning ticket.

              They're sending them up at  :  .

              Oh, they're at the cleaners.

              When did I take them off?

              You didn't. You were drenched and out cold.

              Gonzales took them off.

              Mr. Gonzales?

              Not Mister... Dr. Gonzales.

              Oh, the doctor. Dr. Gonzales.

              I guess that's all right, then.

              How convenient to have an M.D. In the building.

              He is not an M.D.

              He's a doctor of philosophy.

              Ha ha ha!

              Here. Aspirin.

              No, thank you.

              I'm feeling much better now.

              I'll take them.

              Well, I must go.

              Someone is calling about renting my apartment.

              From now on, I take elevators.


              Is there anything I can do for you?

              Yes, there is.

              Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?


              If you don't mind eating plain food.

              I love plain food.

              Good. I'll call the New York Hospital for a reservation.

              I'll pick you up at  :  .

              Whatever you say, Victor.

              Now, that's funny.

              I was getting used to Walter.

              You know what I could use right now?

              A double ouzo.

              What I really could use is a new outfit.

              Mother, can I talk to you?

              Do you realize I slept without a board last night?

              For the first time in years,

              I slept without a board!

              You don't suppose

              ouzo is some kind of Greek miracle drug, do you?

              There's something I've got to talk to you about.

              How sweet of you. You're worried about me.

              I'm not worried about you.

              Oh, my hair.

              I wonder what I could do with my hair?

              Paul and I are getting a divorce.

              A divorce?

              That's right.

              Paul and I are splitting up for good.

              You and Paul?

              I don't believe you.

              You saw him leave with his suitcase.

              What did you think he had in there?

              I know how neat he is.

              I thought maybe the garbage.

              Mother, I believe you. Why don't you believe me?

              Because in my entire life,

              I've never seen two people more in love than you and Paul.

              Well, maybe that was true yesterday,

              but it sure isn't true today.

              It couldn't have been all your fault.

              No? Because of me, you were running around without your clothes

              and Paul is out there in the streets with a cold,

              looking for a place to sleep.

              Whose fault is that?


              You want to know something that may shock you?

              I still love you.

              And Paul loves you, too.

              And I love him.

              I don't know what he wants.

              I don't know how to make him happy.

              What am I going to do, Mother?

              That's the first time you've asked my advice

              since you were   .

              It's really very simple.

              All you have to do

              is give up a little bit of you for him.

              Don't make everything a game,

              just late at night in that little room upstairs,

              take care of him.

              Make him feel...


              If you can do that,

              you'll have a happy and wonderful marriage,

              like   out of every    couples.

              You'll be one of the two, baby.

              Now get out of here and go find him.

              I've got a date.

              Aunt Harriet isn't going to believe a word of this.

              If you don't hear from me tomorrow,

              I'll be in the Nacional Hotel in Mexico City,

              Room    .

              Ha ha ha!

              Ha ha ha!

              Ha ha ha!


              It is you!

              I doubt that very much.

              I've been looking for you everywhere.

              Oh, yeah?

              Oh, well, you'll never find me.

              Ha ha ha!

              Your coat!

              Where's your coat?


              I don't need a coat.

              It's only   degrees.

              What have you been doing?


              Oh. Ha ha ha!

              What have I been doing?

              Just what have I been doing?

              I've been walking barefoot in the park.

              Paul, you're crazy.


              But guess what I am?

              You're drunk.

              Ha ha ha!

              You finally noticed!

              Ha ha ha!

              You're lousy, stinking drunk.

              Yee eeh!

              Oh, I see you still have your shoes.

              Boy, what a stuffed shirt.

              Paul, no!



              Paul, are you all right?

              Corie, I got to tell you something.

              No, later.

              No, now. I got to tell you now.

              I got all the way down the stairs,

              suddenly it hit me.

              Suddenly I saw everything clearly for the first time.

              I said to myself this is crazy.

              This is crazy.

              It's all wrong for me to run away like this.

              There's only one right thing to do.

              Really, Paul? What?

              You get out.

              Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

              Ha ha ha ha.


              Why should I get out?

              The lease is in my name.

              I'm going home.

              Drop in anytime.

              You know my address.

              After all, a man's home is his castle.

              I'm home, castle.

              Oh! Oh, still here?

              Well, I will...

              I will give you    minutes

              to pack up your pelmenchki

              and go.


              Paul, you're burning up with a fever.

              How about that?

              You're going to get pneumonia.

              If that's what you want, that's what I'll get.

              Paul, take your shoes off. They're soaking wet.

              I can't. My feet have swellened.

              I never should have let you out.

              I've got an idea.

              Let's do that thing you said before.

              Let's wake the police

              and see if they come out of the crazy neighbors.

              This building is under arrest!

              Everybody out!

              - What? - Paul...

              Will you get into bed?

              You get in first.

              - You're sick. - Not that sick.

              No, stop it!

              Stop it.

              I mean it. Stop it.

              Ha! Come here, cutie.

              Come on, Paul, stop it.

              No! I'm warning you.

              Hey, you're pretty when you're mean and rotten.

              Keep away from me! I'll scream!

              Shh! There's snow on the roof.

              We'll have an avalanche.

              You're not supposed to be walking around. You got a fever.

              Stand still, the both of you.


              Open this door.

              I can't. I'm scared.

              Of me?



              It's not you anymore.

              I want the old Paul back.

              That fuddy-duddy?

              He's not a fuddy-duddy. He's strong and dependable.

              He takes care of me

              and protects me from people like you.

              I want him to know how much I love him.

              I'll make everything exactly the way he wants it.

              I'll fix the hole in the skylight

              and the leak in the closet.

              I'll put in a bathtub.

              I'll carry him upstairs every night,

              'cause that's how much I love him.







              You're going to kill yourself! Come down!

              No, I want to be a nut,

              just like everybody else in this building!


              No, I don't want you to be a nut. Come down.


              Not until you've said it again,

              loud and clear.

              Anything, Paul, anything.

              My husband...

              My husband...


              Paul Bratter...

              Paul Bratter...

              rising young attorney...

              Aah! Rising young...

              rising young attorney...

              is a lousy, stinking drunk.

              Is a lousy, stinking drunk,

              and I love him.

              I love you, too, Corie.

              Even when I didn't like you, I loved you.

              Then, Paul, would you please come down?

              I can't, not now.


              'Cause I'm going to be sick.

              Oh, no!

              Oh, yes.

              Don't move. I'll be right up there to get you.

              Would you do that, 'cause I'm getting panicky.

              Paul, I'm coming. I'm coming.

              Corie? Cor-Corie?


              What? What, Paul, what?

              Don't leave me.

              You're going to be all right.

              Just hold on tight and be calm.

              How? Wh-what should I do?

              What should he do?

              What should he do? Sing.


              Sing as loud as you can.

              Don't stop till I get there. Promise you'll keep singing.

              I promise.

              O.K., don't stop until I get there.

              I love you, darling. Keep singing.

              Corie? Corie, Corie!


              What, Paul?

              What song should I sing?

              Shama shama.



              Sing it, Paul. * Shama shama *

              * El mal kema ma *

              * Shama shama *

              * Shama shama *

              * Shama shama *

              * El el kema shama *

              * Shama shama *

              * Shama shama shama shama *

              * Uh, uh, sh-shama *

              * Shama shama *

              * El mal kema ma *

              * Shama shama *

              * El mal kema ma *

              * Shama shama *

              * Shama shama *

              * Shama *

              * El mal kema... *

              What's happening?

              I don't know.

              They're looking up at this house.

              * Shama sh-shama *

              * Shama *

              * Sh-shama **

              Oh, Paul.

              Oh, good. They made up.

              * Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh *

              * Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh *

              * So come along, my barefoot love *

              * To the fields that shine with spring *

              * Though it's    below *

              * Let me go *

              * Knee-deep in daisies with you **



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