Bruce Almighty Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Bruce Almighty script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Jim Carrey, Jennifer Aniston, and Steve Carell.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Bruce Almighty. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Bruce Almighty Script



Ally, can we get to the recap?



You remember the Kowalskis,



they've owned the shop for    years,



and they are attempting to set a record



by making Buffalo's largest cookie.



AndÖ you have to wear this.



A hair-net?



Health Department...



You are kidding!...



You're working along the cookie,

you have to follow the law.



I just did the hair. The hair is perfect.



All right! Give it to me...



God, why do you hate me?



We're rollingÖ



... and speak.



For   decades the Kowalski family bakery

has been a mainstay in downtown Buffalo,



known for their sinfully-sweet,

cream-filled Polski piroghis.



and the occasional sugar-induced comma that follows.



But today, in honor of their   th anniversary



they invited us to ride along



as they go for the record of Buffalo's biggest cookie.



Vol? Vol? Do you need a tissue or something?



Can we get Vol a tissue?

Or a spoon?



Good that I was wearing this today.

íCause we wouldnít want any stray hairs into the dough.



You wanna do this again?



No. We can cut and move on.



Moving on!



So, tell me momma,



why make Buffaloís biggest cookie?



Well, man from Health Department



say he find rat pellet in our pastry.



But I say: No! Is big chocolat sprinkle!



But he shut store down.



So we clean up,



make big cookie



for to bring customers back..



Oh, I admire your candor.



Letís try that again, shall we??



So, tell me momma



Why make Buffaloís biggest cookie?



So the children of the neighborhood will be happy?



Thatís right. It must be wonderful

to see the smiles on their little faces.



I work in back, I see no smiles.



The previous Buffalo record was   feet   inches



made by Gladys Pelznick. If this cookie beats Gladysís



itís going to prove once and for all



that the Kowolskis have much more free time.



And the cookie is...

   feet   inches!!!



We have a new record!



We need some inspirational music!



But what are we really looking at here?



Is it just a big cookie?



Or does this cookie represent the pride of Buffalo?



Itís dedicated and hard-working citizens

the key ingredient.



Ö with a few nuts thrown in.



And finally, the love of our families,



which provides the warm chewy center



making our beloved Buffalo the sweetest place to live.



And thatís the way the cookie crumblesÖ

Iím Bruce Nolan.



Eyewitness News.



What do you think?



I think itís really good.



It sucks!



A story about a cookie!...



Pilsbury Doughboy would be disgusted.



Honey, it was funny, it made me laugh!



Itís nothing wrong with making people laugh!



Iíll never be an anchorman!



Not with this. The jobís right there!



But I canít reach it.



Because every time they make me do



this kind of stuff



I have that act like a total goof

in order to make it work..



I have no credibility.



Not goodÖ Not good!



Well, now you just sound silly.



You know what, forget it.



Itís not important! Right?

Itís not important!



Letís watch it one more time.

- Oh, no.



Just once more.

- No.




- No!



Bruce, you promised that would help me with this photo album!



Now you get your goofy but over here!



Now you just go through this stack

and pick your favorites.



Oh, come on, this is fun, right??

Isnít this fun?.



This is nice...



Evan is gonna get that anchor job




- Heís a favorite!.



You know what, letís forget it,

letís just forget it...



This is just our life, we can always

have some kid  do it for us.



Whoa, hold the phone!...



I like like this one.



Our weekend at the lake.



Where did you get that?



That was supposed to be in our private stash.



You look look perky, huh?

mustíve been cold...



All right, just give it to me.



No, Iíll put this on my computer,

use it as wallpaper.



OK, give it to me, come on!



No, no, no.



All right, fine! Do with it what you will.

I donít care!



I will do with it what I will.



You know what, I might even send this to Playboy.



I hear their way-outs can be quite tasty...



All right, give it to me! Right now!



Professional fighter!



Sweetie, time to get up.



Nooo, good dream! No...



Well, the 'Buffalo Sabers' lost again last night



at the hand of the 'Toronto Maple Leafs'.



Of course they lost. Theyíre my team!



Ēthatís the way the cookie crumblesÖĒ



You know, I think there might be something

to this cookie lineÖ



All the greatest anchors have had

their own signature sign-out.



Ö and thatís the way it wasÖ



Ö and thatís the way the cookie crumblesÖ

Aha, aha, I like it!



Oh, noÖ



Grace, the dog!



Iím in the shower!



Bad dog!



Inside bad, outside good.



Oh, youíre done now! Great.






Come on. Letís go back inside and have a shit!



What is the deal?



We are having a blood drive.



Creepy. Needle scare.



They need my blood.



I have a very rare blood type. I am AB positive.



Oh? Iím IB positive. ďI be positiveĒ

theyíre not touching me with no needle!



This is soÖ



Helpful and life-saving.

- Not, is itís blood.



Itís blood. Blood is supposed to stay inside the body.



Thatís how itís meant to be.



They must be stockpiling this stuff

in a warehouse, itís all frozen on ice



and they tell everybody thereís a shortage.



Itís not true.

Where did you hear that?



From a very reliable friend of

a friend of a girl



whose sister is going out with a figure

very high up in the government.



But for your own protection,

I cannot discuss it at this time.



Now get out, before they see us together.



Oh, here, hold on.



You need to these more than I do.



What is ďtheseĒ?



Prayer beads, the kids made them for me.

They will keep you safe.



I hope theyíre powerful! Iím gonna need

a frigginí miracle to get to work on time!



This isnít happening. Not now!



Not this week.



Not this week!



Oh Gosh.



Yeah! Yeah! The meeting started! Without me.



This is my luck!



Oh, God.

Come on!






Are you blind?



No, but I am late!



Is your child in dire jeopardy?



Find out tonight, after the game.



OK, promos are approved.



Jack, should we be focusing on Peteís retirement?



I mean this IS his last week!



Yeah, Jack, any word on the open anchor position?



Evan, if I know something, you will know something.



Sorry, Iím late!



The traffic.



You guys already played the spots?



Tonightís story, Bruce



But weíre gonna go with Evanís piece.



The sex scandal in the mayorís office for sweeps.



Oh, yeah... Sweeps.



Ö and thatís the way the cookie crumbles.



Iím just messing with you, Bruce.



See, you just got to remember that

the news room is like a big cookie.



You like jazz, Evan?






Then Iíll play something for you.



I can hold that note all day, buddy.



Knock it off, guys.



Bruce, weíre gonna keep your story in reserve.



Now can we get back to the board?



So that we have something to put

on the air, today?



Great choice, Jack!

This is the Cadillac of bolognas.



OK, thanks.



Yes, sure Bruce, what do you need?






Oh, BruceÖ



JackÖ Jack!



Hear me out here. Iím starting to get desperate, man.



Iím pusing   . What have I got to show for it?



Iíve hit some kind of ceiling here.



Thereís an antiBruce barrier that I canít get past.



And Evan, heís loving it, by the way... Loving it!



He gets all the stories, all the sweeps.

Maybe I should be more like Evan.



You want to be like Evan?



Evan is an asshole.



I can be an asshole.



No Bruce, you canít.



Are you going to pick that up?



No.... Iím sorryÖ



Itís just this anchor thing thatís driving me nuts!



Hi Susie.



Hi Susie.



Hi Jack.



Look Bruce, you are a better reporter.

You make people laugh!



All right, look.

Today is the    th anniversary

of the Maiden of the Mist.



I want you in Niagara Falls in an hour.



The Maiden of the Mist?

Itís always live...



But Evans is the one that does the live feeds...



Now you AND Evan get the live feeds.



Iím going live?

And sweeps?



Youíre interested, Bruce?

Iíll see your out-takes.



Jack, youíll not regret this.

And Iíll not forget you. When I go national.



HmmÖ can you?

Thanks, pal.



Can I have your wish now?



Iíll put it in the wish jar.

Thank you.






Look at that! Thatís a big wish!



Oh no, no! Mark, donít eat that!



Donít put that in your mouthÖ

Thatís paste, honey!



That mustíve tasted awful.






My small Zoe!



Did you have a good time with aunt Gracey today?



See how nice this is?



A baby on the hip?

- Oh, is incr?vel



Oh, itís amazing, you became mom.

The transformation is complete!



Iíll get it.



Small Wonders daycare.






No! Itís Debbie. The sister whose life

youíve not wasted.



All right, OK, OK.

- Bye Debbie!



Hi! Sorry, Debbie forgot to take her meds today...



Where are you?



Oh, a little place called The Winnersí Circle!



Iím at the Falls, doing a live report.



Live? Thatís great!



Yes! Itís happening, hon.

I got sweeps and Iím live.



You know what that means? That I am able to walk on my feet.



You know, like I might have to do

in a live news anchor situation...



Oh, my Gosh...

- Yes!



Thatís what weíve always talked about, Grace.



Jack practically told that to me.






Well, he didnít spell it out, but legally he canÖ  {     }{     }But that is exactly what happened to Susan Ortega



before they bumped her up to the desk!.



Thatís good, thatís good.



Thatís GOOD!



OkÖ Oh, honey, you know, I just donít want you

to get too ahead of yourself.




- I gotta go, theyíre calling me in.



Ok, honey, good luck! I love you!



Letís do it.



They want you close to the fall.



Really? Iím gonna get soaked!



Thatís the point. They want you to put this on.



Part of the conditions for us getting an exclusive.



You know what?

Nothing can bother me today.



Ok, now remember, itís the

   th year anniversary,     capacity,



they cater to tourists, honeymoonersÖ



I got it.






And you are going to be interviewing Irene Dansfield.



Irene! A pleasure to meet you. Really.



You look beautiful.



Ireneís mother was on the maiden voyage.



Wow! I am impressed!



Nine seconds!



Nine seconds? Holly hell!



OK,   seconds?



Ö but because of the fast response, the toxic chemicals



were cleaned up without incident.




Bruce Nolan is standing by in Niagara Falls



But before we go out to Bruce



we have an announcement to make.



As everyone knows, after    years



our beloved Pete Fineman is retiring.



Peteís shoes are virtually impossible to fill.

But the show must go on.



And we can think of no one better than our very ownÖ



Ö Evan Baxter.



Oh, GodÖ



Congratulations, Evan.



Thanks Susan, Iím thrilled and honored, and as you said

no one can replace the great Pete Fineman



but I will do my best.



I have to say, I am so proud to be a part

of our local community of Buffalo



and I think, in a lot of ways

a great city is like a great recipe.



You take some hardworking citizens, some caregivers,



maybe a few nutsÖ



Ö all sprinkled with the love and support of our good families.

Ultimately that makes one sweet place to live.



That was amazing.

- Oh, I meant it.



I wish Iíd written something better.



And now letís go live to that whacky Bruce Nolan

at the Niagara Falls.



Hey, whacky Bruce!



Bruce? Talk, Bruce. Hello?



Talk, honey. Talk.



Whatís going on?



Weíve got an Walt Disney.



Heís frozen solid!



He may not have the audio.

Check the feed.



We may be having a bit of technical difficulty.



The feedís good, Jack.



Come on. Talk, Bruce!



Damn it!



Oh, come on baby, say something!









Hi, Susan!



Thank you, God!

- Bruce Nolan here,



aboard the Maiden of the Mist, in the fabulous

Niagara Falls, New York.



First off let me give another congratulation



to Evan BackstabberÖ pardon me, BastardÖ

Baxter, rather. It is good to see



what someone with real talent can do when

great opportunities are given to them instead of me.



Anyway, Iím here with Catherine Hepburnís mom



Tell me, why did you throw



the blue jewel over the railing in the Titanic?



Did you feel bad at all while you let

Leo DiDicaprio drown



while you were safe floating on the big door?



Were you taking turns, or were you just too afraid

to freeze your big fat ass off?



I guess thatís all life, isnít it? Some people

are drenched, freezing to death on a stupid boat,



with a stupid hat,



while others are in the comfy news studio,

sucking up all the glory. Oh, well.



Oh, look, thereís the owner of the Maiden of the Mist!



Letís have a talk with him, shall we??



Come here, Bill.

No no no, come on, letís have a talk.



What you are doing?



Youíve been running the Maiden of the Mist

for    years. Tell me:



Why do you think I didnít get the anchor job?



Look, I donít want any problems.

- Is it my hair, Bill?



Or my teeth are not white enough?



Or like the great Falls,



it is the bedrock of my life,



Eroding beneath me!



Eroding! ERODING!



Cut the video.






Iím Bruce Nolan, for Eyewitness News.



Back to you, fuckers!



Oh, my God.



That is the motivation that I needed!



Right there!



Thank you!



Thank you, WKBW



Wimpy kiddy baby whiners!



Thatís what it stands for!



Iíll see you on Channel  !



Where they do the real news.






What are you doing over there?



Come on, leave the poor guy alone!



Are you OK, man?



Yeah, you better keep walking.



What? What did you say?






Oh, God!



Ok ok ok.. It was just a joke.



Hey, you forgot your things!



Say something now. Say something.



B-E-A-UTIFUL. Pretty.



Thatís what I got... Thatís what I got

for trying to help up some....



Oh, donít look at me, Walter.



Oh, no!



That is my payment, I guess.



That is my reward.






Just get a clue!



Thank God youíre all right!



God? Yeah, letís thank God, shall we?



For his blessings are raining down upon me.



Wait! Thatís not rain!



Bruce, please donít do that, honey.



You know that everything happens for a reason.



That I donít need.



That is a clichť. That is not helpful to me.



ĒA bird in the hand is worth two in the bushĒ!



I have no bird. I have no bush.



God is taking my bird and my bush.



Oh, I see.



So God is picking on you,

is that what youíre saying?



No! He is ignoring me completely!



Heís far too busy getting Evan everything he wants.



Oh, thatís great, Sam.



But you missed your target.



I am over here!



Why are you getting mad at the dog?.



Itís not the dogís fault.



No, itís Godís fault.



He gave him the wrong coordinates.



OK, enough!



Would you stop being such a martyr?



I am not being a martyr. I am a victim!



God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill

with a magnifying glass, and I am an ant.



He could fix my life in   minutes if he wanted to.



But heíd rather burn up my feelers

and watch me squirm!



Sweetheart, I know youíre mad,

itís completely understandable.



What Evan did was slimy and wrong.

But this day couldíve been so much worse.



Iím just glad youíre OK...



OK?? Newsflash: I am not OK!



Iím not OK with a mediocre job.



Iím not OK with a mediocre apartment.



Iím not OK with a mediocre life!



So itís that you think that we have?



A mediocre life?



Donít make this about you.



About me? How can I make this about me?



Itís about you!



Itís always about you!



Perfect, perfect!



Iíve had the worst day of my life

and Ö



OK GodÖ You want me to talk to you?



Then tell me whatís going on.



What should I do? Give me a signal.



I need your guidance, please, send me a sign.



Oh, whatís this joker doing now?



OK, all right. Iíll try it your way.



OK. Lord, I need a miracle.



I Am desperate. I need your help, Lord.



Please, reach into my life.



Oh. What the h...



Fine. The gloves are off, pal.



Come on, let me see that wrath.



Smite me! Oh, mighty smiter!



You are the one who should be fired!



The only one around here not doing his job is you!



Answer me!



Sorry, I donít know you.



Iíd call you if I did.



Oh God.



Hello,         .



No, this has got to stop!



All right, letís get it straigth.



Thatís house, this is the bathroom.



House, bathroom. Bathroom, house.



Whatís the point?



Denied that promotion at work?



Is life unfair?



Is there someone less talented than you



reaping all the benefits?



Is your name Bruce?



Then do we have a job for you!



Weíre located at         rd Street.



So come on down, or weíll just keep

beeping you.






OK. The glass is half full.



Oh, Jesus! OH!



Come on, look!



What is this? What is this?



Oh, JesusÖ Thank you! Thank you again.



Youíre looking for room  .



Yeah, I figured.



Want me to even those up for you?



How do I get to room  ?



Thatíd be on the  th floor.

The stairs are right over there.



Iíd rather take the elevator.



Out of order.



I want the stairs though.

Thereís always a second choice.



You mind giving me a hand with this floor?



What? Thatís good.



Are you serious?



Oh, IÖ Iím kinda busy.



AmmÖ Raincheck?



Iíll hold you to it.



Iím free on the  th, at  .



 th at   it is.



This looks promising.









Iím looking for whoever runs this joint.



Be right with you.



Iím trying to fix a light.

Tell me if itís working.



Yeah. Seems to be.



Kinda bright though.



Yeah. It is to most people

who spend their lives in the dark



trying to hide from me.



Oh, the elevatorís broken, huh?



Yeah, butÖ Iíll get around to it.



You installed a clapper?



No, butÖ catchy thing, isnít it?



Clap on, clap off.



Clap on, clap off, the clapper!



Just canít get it out of my head.



Oh, good luck with that.



Iím gonna go now.



OK, but the boss will be right up.



You must be Bruce.



Iíve been expecting you.



This is hilarious. So youíre the boss,

and the electrician, and the janitor.



Must be a killer Christmas party.



Donít get drunk though. One of you

might need a ride home.



You always were funny, Bruce.



Just like your father.



He didnít mind rolling up his sleeves either, son.



People underestimate the benefits of

good old manual labor.



Just think a minute.



Some of the happiest people in the world,

go home smelling to high heaven at the end of the day.



What is this?



How do you know my father

and how did you get my pager number?



Oh, I know quite a lot about you, Bruce.



Just about everything there is to know.



Everything youíve ever said

or done or thought about.



Right there in that file cabinet.



Wow! A whole drawer just for me?

- Yes.



Mind if I take a look?

- Itís your life.



This ought to be good.



This last entry was a little disturbing.



ĒThe gloves are off, GodĒ.



ĒGod has taken my bird and my bushĒ.



ĒGod is a mean kid with a magnifying glassĒ.



Smite me! Oh, mighty smiter!



Now, Iím not much for blasphemy



but that last one made me laugh.



You spying on me?



Who are you?



I am the one.



Creator of the heaven and the earth.

The alfa and the omega.



Oh, I see where this is going.






I am God.



Bingo! Yutsee!



Is that your final answer?



The answer is.. God!



Well, it was nice to meet you, God.



Thank you for the Grand Canyon



and good luck with the apocalypse.



Oh, by the wayÖ



You suck!



You know what? It would have been

a little bit more impressive though



if you hadnít used the cheesy file cabinet illusion.



Anybody with a brainstem can tell



that that drawer has been fed through the wall

from the other side.



All I have to do is find the crease.

Right around here.



There is a seam here.



A hollow spot...






Through a wall of concrete?



OK, that is a good one.



OK, how many fingers am I holding up?



Now Bruce, ďthou shall not tempt the LordĒ....



Well, if you canít do itÖ



 !  !  !  !  !  !  !






How many now?






Youíve been doing a lot of complaining

about me, Bruce.



Quite frankly, I am tired of it.



Donít come near me, seriously! When Iím backed

in a corner Iím like a wild animal.



I donít want to hurt you,

but I will out of instinct.



You havenít won a fight since grade  

and that was against a girl.



Yeah, but she was huge, she had helpÖ



The sun was in her eyes.



That ego!



Anyway, I planned to offer you a job.



What job?



My job.



You think you can do it better



so hereís your chance.



When you leave this building



you will be endowed with all my powers.



Whatever you say, pal.



OK. That did not happen.



No, no. I can find a better explanation for that.



I am going through a breakdown,

thatís what it is.



Normal everyday psychosis.



Come onÖ Start!



That was luck.



Come on, calm down.



You can not be God.

You donít have his powers.



If I was God, then I am Clint Eastwood.



Holly hell!



Be careful what you wish for, punk.






I am a reasonable and sane human being.



With a    Magnum,

the most powerful handgun.



I am not Clint Eastwood.

Iím Bruce Nolan.



This is not real.

This is not real.






Yeah. Coffee. Yeah.



We have a special on soup today.



No, thatís fine. Thank you.



Itís tomato. I made it myself.









Excuse me!



I need a spoon.



Itís OK, I found one.



Hereís your soup.



Oh, soup, right. Yeah, right.



Having fun?



Come, take a closer walk with me.



Let me explain the rules.






Yes, you left in such a rush



I didnít get a chance to explain.



Two extra fingers



freaked me out.



I just figured Iíd get your attention.



I did the same thing on Gandhi.

He didnít eat for   weeks.



Anyway, hereís the deal:



You have all my powers. Use them any way you choose..



Thereíre only two rules:



You canít tell anybody youíre God.

Believe me, you donít want that kind of attention.



And you canít mess with free will.



Can I ask why?



Yes, you can!



Thatís the beauty of it!



This is amazing!



Speaking of amazing...

Excuse me.



Holly sh..






Since youíre through with these,

Iím gonna keep Ďem..



Might come in handy some day.



See you around, kid.



Whereíre you going?



Iím taking a vacation.



God doesnít take vacations! Does he?



Did you ever hear of the Dark Ages?



Besides, Iím covered. Youíre gonna

clean everything up in   minutes if you want toÖ









And you saw it was good!






Check it out. Check it out.



Check it out!.



Oh look, itís the hero.

ĎS up, homey?



Yo, brethren?



Blessings on your alley.



Want another kick in the ass?



You didnít get enough?

You wanna get another, Mr. Hero?



He wants some more.



Surely I say onto you dudes,



I do not wish to fight.



So as soon as you apologize



and make a full reckoning of the transgressions,



I shall absolve you and continue

along the path of righteousness.



What are you talking about, man?



I donít know if you lost it all

up in here or what, but check this out:



You want me and my homies to apologize, right?



Iíll tell you what.



Weíll apologize, the day a monkey comes out my butt



then youíll get your ďsorryĒ, how about that?



What a coincidence!



Because thatís today.



Did that monkey just come out your crack, man?



- This is witchcraft!

- He is the Devil!



You guys leaving?



Hey, donít forget your parting gifts!



Hey, you anal prowling butt monkey!



Time for you to go home, little buddy.



I am Bruce almighty!



My will be done!



My God!



You can call me Bruce.



What happened to you?



You just seem so..






Why shouldnít I be?



On a night like thisÖ



These are amazing...



What are these?



A new breed. Cross-pollination

between tulips and daisies.



I call them todaysies.






Honey, these flowers are really beautiful.



But last night...



Last night I was only human.



Berry, help me out here.



Oh. Iíve never seen the moon that big...












Iíll be out in a minute!



Donít rush yourself.



Some times anticipation can

heighten the pleasure.



Thereís a funny thing about pleasureÖ



It can be quiteÖ






Oh, my God!



In international news



Japanese relief workers are staging

a desperate effort



to rescue hundreds of people stranded

by a freak tidal wave



that hit Kidomoto city.



Scientists say the tsunami



may have been caused by what

theyíre describing



as unusual lunar activity.



More on this as it develops.



Öprotect my father, my mother,

and my little sister.



Öplease, Lord, help me out of this crisis.






Good boy.



Aah! Forgot something?



Good boy.



There are girls in the house.



Good morning!

- Good morning!



I made your grilled cheese.



My favy...



Honey, last night was just..



Heavenly! I know.



I meanÖ



I woke up this morning and I felt



like my boobs are bigger.



Do they look bigger to you?






Hum.. No.




Oh come on, look at them...



Please, they are definitely bigger,



I mean, they look huge to me.



Listen, I have that go.



This has been the breast backÖ, breastÖ



Thank you.



Where are you going?



To get my job back.



Is that what I was driving?



Whoa! Nice car, man.



Yeah! It gets me from A to B.



All this horse power



and no room to gallop?



Hi-ho Silver! Away!



You certainly wouldnít want to be a

fugitive on the run with Hank,



Buffaloís number   police dog,

on the job.



This is Phil Simon reporting from the Police

canine training center,



Channel   News.



Cut it.



Hey, look what the cat coughed up.



Channel   right? Youíre the guy

that went crazy.



I had a bad moment.



What are you doing here?



Just looking for a story.



Thereís no story here.



This pond is all fished out.



You wouldnít stand this stuff anyway.



I donít know. My instinct tells thereís something more.



You could go with that.

Was certainly well in the past, right?



Hey, Hankís found something.



We gotta body!



Get the camera!






The keys are inside!



I guess every dog has its day.



Hey kid, wanna make    bucks?






Have you ever used one of these things?






Seems to be in tune.



Letís do this.



The body of Jimmy Hoffa was

uncovered in a field today,



outside of a canine training center

in Buffalo, New York.



Bruce Nolan was the first on the scene.



Thank you, Jane.



As you can see behind us,

the body is being carefully exhumed



and will be transported to a medial facility

where DNA testing can



confirm the identity.



That, however, is merely a formality

at this point.



As in a bizarre twist, the body was found buried

with the birth certificate



and a complete set of dental record.



I call that a red-letter day for any

canine unit.



But was that enough for old Hank here?



No, siree! Moments later



He busted a local news camera crew



with     kg of marijuana.



I never saw that before!



I swear!



I am Bruce Nolan



and thatís the way the cookie crumbles.



YesÖ Thank you, thank you.



Hi, Bruce.



HiÖ Susan.



Good work.



Iím impressed.



Jack, did you need me for something?



Bruce, Bruce!



Just the man I want to see.



HoffaÖ What are the odds of that?



What are the odds of that?...



Bruce, why donít you sit down.






I am going to be straight with you.



We want you back, Bruce.



But I want that you understand



it was not my decision to let you go.



When the big guy gives the orderÖ



No harm, no foul, Jack.



I needed some time to reassess my goals

and get in touch with my true self.



You did that in a day?



Imagine what I could do in  Ö



Look, Bruce, it is not in my power

to give you anchor.



Now, as far a field reporting goes



if youíre looking for a bump...



Jack, letís just cut the crap



and get down to brass tags here.



Iím kidding with you.



Donít even worry about it, my old friend.



You just give me a camera, Jack.



Iíll give you the news.



My secret is to marinade everything



in a spicy sauce



for at least    hours

before I stir it into the chilli.



Then I let it all come to a simmer.



Hold it there, Hazel.



You saw that?



An asteroid or some kind of meteorite



fell right outside



the Mark Twain chili carnival.



This should certainly spice things up a bit.



The stories are all over town



From the murder of  Jimmy Hoffa,



to a meteor crashing into Earth



Bruce Nolan is rapidly becoming known as



And thatís the way the cookie crumbles!



Is it Bruceís idea?



He said he wanted me to have a day of beauty



and luxurious serenity.



I gotta tell you,



He is really impressing me lately.



You know where heís taking me

to dinner tonight?






The Blue Palm???



Oh my God, I just got jealous.



And he told me to prepare for the

most memorable night of our entire lives.



Oh my Gosh, Grace, heís gonna propose!



No, stop itÖ NoÖ






Yeah, reallyÖ Come on, you do the math:



He sends you all day to a beauty spa,



He takes you to the most romantic

restaurant in town,



where you had your first dateÖ



Helloo! You know, I thought Iíd never say this,

but Bruce is right,



this is your big night.

Relax and enjoy it!



Oh, God.



Welcome to Eyewitness News at  

with Susan Ortega,



Evan Baxter,

Fred Donahue - sports.



Dallas Coleman - weather.



And now, Buffaloís number   news team.



Good evening and welcome to

Eyewitness News at  .



I am Susan Ortega.



I am Evan Baxter, and hereís whatís making news.



A potential scandal with the Buffalo PD

surfaced today, when the mayorÖ



Iím sorry, I seem to have something in my throat.



Somebody give him some water, please.



It looks like my co-anchor may need

a glass of water!



Here we go, sorry about that.



In other news:



The prime-minister of Sweden

visited Washigton today,



and my tiny little nipples went to France.



What did he just say?



Check the prompter.



The prompterís fine.



Evan, read the copy, please,



the copy is good, just read it!



The White House reception committee

greeted the prime rib roast minister



and I do the cha-cha like a sissy girl.



I lika do da cha-cha.



Iím sorry, we seem to be having

some technical difficulties.



In another news:



My apologies...



May I?






Itís perfect.



Sheíll love it.



You knowÖ



I was going to wait till after the meal...



Ö but I think itís gonna burst out of me

like an alien if I donít do it now.



Oh, God.






This is it, isnít it?



I do not know.



I donít know if Iím ready for this.



I want to say Iím not ready for this,

I mean I donít think I would have thatÖ



I am sorry, go on.



I didnít know this was so important for you.



Me neither.




- Yes.









I got anchor.






Apparently, there was something with Evan,



so heís gonna finish up the week and



I go live on Monday.



Thatís great, honey.



I know, I know.



So thatís what this is all about?






Grace, we got anchor.



Jackís throwing me a party Friday night

at the Vanderbilt estate to celebrate.



Whatís the matter?






I was so stupid!



Wow, itís kinda loud in here, isnít it?



No, itís not loud.



Hey! Can you keep it a bit lower?



Thank you!



That was supposed to be funny?



What did you say?



Whatís wrong with you? Stop yelling!



Excuse me, I think Iíll take a little trip to theÖ



The wine is going right through me.



Iím so sorry, sorry...



What is going on?



What is this?



Give me a break!



Really something, isnít it?



Is this Heaven?



No, itís the Mount Everest.



You should flip on the Discovery Channel

from time to time.



But I guess you canít now...



Ö being dead and all...



Iím dead?



NahÖ Iím just messing with you.



Thatís not funny, man!



That is not funny!



What about the voices in my head?



Is that part of the hilarity?



Theyíre prayers.



And if you keep ignoring them,

theyíre gonna build up on you like that.



But itís just noise.



I canít understand them!



Youíre not listening, son.



Letís see.



You had my post for a little over a week now.



How many people have you helped?



I just care about a few things.



I righted a few wrongs in my own life, first.






I was gonna help the others.



I think I can help the world.



The world?



That wasnít the world.



Those were just Buffalo praying...



I wouldnít have started you off

on something you couldnít handle.



Well, you took the job, Bruce,

so I suggest you get to it.



Prayers, prayers, ok, prayers.



Organization! Thatís what I need.



A system. Something concrete.









Let all prayers be organized into files.



Well, that takes care of the voices.



Not exactly a space-saver...

Grace might notice.



I know!



Prayer post-its!



OK, I need something of a lock.



A security combination, a password.



A password!



Youíve got prayers!



Well coming to the Revelations Supreme.



You mass? No mess!

Downloading... Now.



This is gonna take a while...



 .    .     prayer requests?



Better manifest some coffee.



Hello! Juan Valdez!



Now thatís fresh-ground coffee

from the hills of Columbia!



OK, I should have made some kind

of a dent, by now.



Oh, come on!



So many whiners!



This is gonna suck my life.



Yes! To all!



There you go.



Now everybodyís happy.



Iíll drink to that.



My tech stocks tripled in   days.



You know something, John?

You seem taller.



I am.



My daughter pitched a new hitter.



I lost    kilos on a Krispy Kreme diet.



Hey, there he is, the man of the hour.



Bless you.



Bless all of you.



Be truthful



and do not commit sins,

or something.



You should try that. Itís an excellent year.



Hey, Bruce!



How did you like the game today?



I like the Sabers coach prays a lot!






Here is Bruce, Grace and Sam.

Leave a message.



Grace? Are you there?



Hello? Itís me.






Come on, Grace.



Come to the party.



Iíll call you later, OK?



Come on, Sam.



Help me now, kid.



Oh, Sam, donít, come on!



What is it you want, Berry?



What do you want?



You want the moon?



Just say the word and Iíll throw a lasso

around it and pull it down.



Hey, thatís a pretty good idea.



Iíll give you the moon, all right?



Iíll take it.



Here is Bruce, Grace and SamÖ



Hi Bruce.



What are you doing in here all alone?






I mean



I was gonnaÖ give Grace a call.



Yeah, I didnít see her in there.



How are you and Grace doing?



Actually we had a bit of a fight.



Kind ofÖ not sure sheísÖ.



Youíre on fire, Bruce.



Some women canít handle the fire.



Some can.



Thatís interesting, becauseÖ



I never thought we would ever talkÖ






You might wanna stop



touching me nowÖ.









Grace, come here.



Itís so weird, I was just calling you...



Oh, and you thought that Susanís mouth

was the phone?



She kissed me.

Iím the kisseeÖ



Oh yeah, and you were putting up

a really big fight!



I tried to fight her off, I tried to stop her,



but sheís really strong.



Ok! I screwed up!



Can I make it up to you?



Yeah, why donít you give me a boat, Bruce?






Yeah! A big boat.



and maybe two big bags of cash.



Then Iíll be happy.



Lots of money and lots of stuff!



Other people want idiotic crap, like



getting married or having babies with

the man that they love for   years.



But not me, Bruce!



Just give me the boat.



You wanted to stay single!



Grace, do not do this!



Iím not doing this.



Iím undoing it.

Iíll be at Debbieís.



You take care of Sam until I make arrangements.



You canít leave me.



I am the alpha, lady.



Iím the omega, baby!



OK, fine! I donít need you.



Whatís the matter, Bruce?



She canít handle a little competition?



The gameís been called

on account of rain.



An unusually high number of lottery winners



have left the officials concerned.



More than   .     winning tickets

have been turned in,



all, strangely, from the Buffalo area.



More on this story as it develops.



Enjoying your party?



Nothing like spending quality time

with good friends, huh?



Grace left me.



Yes. I know.



Sheíll take me back.



Sheíll take me back, right?



Would you take you back?



How do you make so many love you

without affecting free will?



Welcome to my world, son.



You come up with an answer to that one,



you let me know.



Rise and shine, Buffalo.



Itís    and sunny, a perfect day to

forgive Bruce.









Hi, can I get a small coffee to go?



Sure, hon, just a second.



K-TEL records brings you the    

greatest love songs of all time.



Youíre gonna hear such classics as



All you need is Bruce.



If you canít be with the one you love,



then love Bruce.



Do that to Bruce one more time.



And who can forget that classic



Bruce so horny. He love you long time.



Order today, and weíll throw in

at no extra charge the video



Sweating to Bruce.



Just dial  -   -  GIV-HIM!



Thatís  -   -  GIV-HIM!



Do it now.



Oh no, no. Whatíre you doing. Oh Gosh.



Donít put that in your mouth. Donít eat that.



Oh, thatís not good. Go to the bathroom.



Please wash up your mouth and your hands.



One more time and youíre gonna be

in a lot of trouble!



All right, thatís it, thatís it!






I surrender, I surrender!









Ö doing my first anchor night.



Wow! Thatís great!



So how have you been doing?




- Yeah?



Yeah, good. JustÖ



Debbie won the lottery.



Oh, yeah? Youíre kiddingÖ



But I guessÖ so did        other people.



So she won likeÖ    dollars.



I miss you.



OK, I took the first step,



jumped out on a ledgeÖ



Ö feeling pretty vulnerable too.



I donít know what you want me to say.



Just say you love me and you want me back.



No, BruceÖ



Come on, what about all the signs?



How did you know about that?



Did you talk to Debbie?



Would it help if I just said I was



a complete ass?



Hey, you said ďassĒ!



Yeah, but I was talking about a donkey.



But I didnít say ďholeĒ. If I said ďassÖĒÖ



OK, OK, you know what honey,

letís go, letís go inside.



All right kids, everybody inside!



Time to go inside.









None of this seems right without you.



I gotta go.






How do you feel now?



Have you completely lost your mind?



Or are you drunk?



Iím not drunk, I got the powerÖ



Love me. Love me! LOVE ME!



I did.



Yeah, I know. Free willÖ



More power outages reported today



caused by last weekís meteorite strike.



Officials are desperately trying to repair



several transformers damaged by the

ensuing electrical surge.



The scene nearly turned violent



when hundreds of disgruntled Buffalo residents



protested last weekís lottery results.



And doomsayers are pointing to

last weekís strange celestial events



as signs that prophecy is now being fulfilled



and world as we know it

may be coming to an end.



The worldís gone mad.



Bruce,    seconds.



There we are.



Your big debut.



Howíre you feeling?



You know what? Fine, never better.



The show must go on, right?



Whatís that?



The Sabres won the Fraternity Cup .



The Cup?



Was that tonight?



Thatís great, isnít it?



Itís getting really crazy out there.



Weíre gonna kick live to Fred at the stadium, OK?



  seconds to the open.



This is it! You ready?



Born that way!

- Welcome to the Eyewitness News at  .



With Susan Ortega.



Bruce Nolan,



Fred Donahue Ė sports,



Dallas Coleman - weather.



And now, Buffaloís number   news team.



I am Susan Ortega.



I Am Bruce Nolan, and hereís

whatís making news.



What happened?



We lost power.



The transformerís down again.



Oh Jesus. Itís that damn meteorite.



Itís OK, weíre back up.



We apologize for the interruption.



And now back to the news.






Thank you, Susan.

- Iím sorry.



Weíre going live to HSBC Arena,

where the Buffalo Sabres



have won the Stanley Cup.

- Great.




- we Are ready



Weíre about to uncork some champagne

because the Sabres



have won their first championship in    years..



What the hell...



Weíll be back with the Sabersí Stanley Cup victory



in just a hot second.



In other news:



What that hell!



Oh, not again! What is it?



The whole neighborhood is down.



No, itís not.



In other news:

Fighting errupted



in the Gaza Strip today



as Israelis and PalestiniansÖ









Weíve got a situation here.



Theyíre rioting right outside the station.



Youíre joking.



The whole town is going crazy!



Hey, Bruce, say something.



Ladies and gentlemen,



This just in:



possibly the biggest breaking news

story this town has ever seen.



And I gotta go.



Sorry, Jack.



Susan, itís all yours.




The Sabres rule!



Down with the lottery!



Prepare yourself! The is end is near! Prepare!



Lottery of shit!



Only    bucks!



The Channel   lie!



Oh no!









Are you here?






I need your help!



Palms yes, palms yes.



Clap on!

Clap on!






Hello there.



Bruce Almighty.



Not as easy as it looks, is it, son?



This God business.



Theyíre all out of control!



This mayhem, I donít know what to do.



Well, youíre right on time.




 th at  .



All righty, then.



There we are.



Thatís good. GOOD.



Itís a wonderful thing.



No matter how filthy something gets



we can always clean it right up.



They were so many. I just gave them all

what they wanted.






And since when do they have a clue

about what they want?



So what do?



Parting a soup is not a miracle, Bruce.

Itís a magic trick.



A single mom,



whoís working   jobs,

and still finds time



to take her son to practice,

thatís a miracle.



A teenager who says no to drugs

and yes to an education,



thatís a miracle.



People want me to do everything for them



What they donít realize



is they have the power.



Want see a miracle, son?



Be a miracle.



Wait. Are you leaving?



Yeah, I think you can handle things now.



What if I need you?



What if I have questions?



Thatís your problem, Bruce!

Thatís everybodyís problem.



Keep looking out.



Order has been restored in Buffalo,

after this eveningís downtown riot.



The state officials have suspended all,

lottery sales for further investigation.



Thanks a million.



No problem.



God bless.



Bruce giveth, Bruce taketh away.



You donít like itÖ









I suppose youíre here to gloat

about the anchor position.



Go ahead.

Take your best shot.






I just came to tell you that Iíve been

a royal prick.



The anchor position is yours.



I turned down the job.



Well, I never really congratulated you

in the first place.






Thanks, Bruce.



In the financial world



things are settling back to normal



in what analysts are calling



a fluke market fluctuation.



You did the right move, Jack.



So what about you?



Are you ready to go back out there?



To do the cutesy stuff?

The lighter side of the news?



Lower and debase myself for the

amusement of total strangers?



Yes, I could do that.

It sounds like fun.






OK, Sammy, letís do it right.



Follow the other dogs.



I donít want to make you feel bad,

but theyíre laughing at you, pal.



Come on, concentrate.



Come on, do what you have to.



What am I gonna do with you?



I know this seems kinda crazy



but desperate times



call for desperate measures.



OK, Sammy.

Do your thing!



Thatís it!



Good boy!



Iím training my dog.



Yes! We did it!



Iíll walk him up for you.



Hi Deb. How are you?



Howís Grace?



I didnít come to chat, OK, Bruce?

I came for Graceís stuff.



You need a...



No, itís OK, Iím fine.



I wonder...

Maybe she wants that.



This is full! You did all this?



You know what I do every night

before I go to bed?



I take my kids and maybe have a scoop

of ice-cream, watch a Conan...



You know what Grace does?



She prays.



Most of the time for you.



Wow, the woman does pray a lot.



Find: Grace and Bruce.



Dear God, please help Bruce.

He seems to be struggling.



Dear God, give Bruce strength.



Dear God, bless Bruce.



Bruce, Bruce, Bruce!



Itís her!



She is praying now. Right now.






Please, God.



I still love him.



But I donít want to love him anymore.



I donít want to hurt anymore.




Help me forget.



Please help me let him go.



Please, help me let him go.



You win!



Iím done.



Please, I donít want to do this anymore.



I donít want to be God.



I want you to decide whatís right for me.



I surrender to your will!



Am IÖ?



You canít kneel down in the middle of a highway

and live to talk about it, son.



But why?



Why now?






You have the divine spark.



You have the gift of being able to bring

joy and laughter to the world.



I know. I created you.



Quit bragging.



You see? Thatís what Iím talking about.



Thatís the spark!



What do you want me to do?



I want you to pray, son.



Go ahead. Use them.



Lord, feed the hungry.



AndÖ bring peace to all of mankind.



Howís that?






If you want to be Miss America.



Now, come on.



What do you really care about?






You want her back?






I want her to be happy.



No matter what that means.



I want her to find someone



to treat her with all the love



that she deserved from me.



I want her to meet someone



whoíll see her always



as I do now



through your eyes.



Now thatís a prayer.









- Thatís good.

- Thatís good.



That is GOOD!



Iím gonna get right down to it.






That didnít feel very good.






Got a rhythm?



I got a pulse.

Letís get him up.



Letís get a brace.









Welcome back.



Youíre lucky of be alive, son.



Someone up there must like you.



Are you aware they keep that stuff

in a warehouse somewhere?






Hi baby.



Oh my God, look at you...



I was such idiot.



Thatís OK.



I donít know what I would have done.



I sort of wanted to be mad at you

for ever.



Now youíre just showing off.



Here is Bruce Nolan



here at Buffaloís first annual "Be the miracle"

blood drive.



Itís a B-E-A-UTIFUL day.



So come on down here, because the life you save



could be mine.



Letís go over here with the Kowalskis,



they cooked a very special cookie

just for this occasion.



Sure itís a little creepyÖ



Thank you Momma, Vol, Finger, Nose.



I myself have given blood

twice this week.



For those of you who havenít heard



Iíd like to introduce you to

the future Mrs. Exclusive.



Grace Connelly.



Look at her!

Isnít she beautiful?



She just gave blood



and still has enough left to fill up her face.



Yes, behind every great man



thereís a woman rolling her eyes, folks.



Iím Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News



with all the folks down here at the

blood drive, reminding you to






You heard them.



Ok, cut it! Thank you, Bruce.



Thank you, Ally.



How was that?



That was great!

- Really?



That was really great.



Now you should still go over there,

the nurse is waiting.



Do I have to?



No, itís not gonna hurt.



In fact, I think youíll find it

quite pleasurable.

Special help by SergeiK